#this fucking sick person called me a missed abortion and said i should die… but were the bad guys for telling her to shut the fuck up

[chriscaprogers]

if you still think the marriage is fake and you agree with the ‘pr team’ delulus (aka @captregina and co) you can kindly go fuck yourselves and block me because i’m tired of your shit

[lya-dustin]

Someone will remember us

Chapter 38

Cw: teen pregnancy, talks of abortion, morning sickness,mortality rate of teen moms

Gif by:@carlarosonn

“I remember when Teora first held you.” Mother struggles to sit beside her on the old rug Aemma sits on. “She called you little Aem, and from then on, we decided to keep calling you that. When it became time for you to have a Septa, there was no better person to entrust you to.”

Teora who had fussed over her, kissed her hurts, taught her prayers and loved her enough to shelter her and her brothers from the irrational hatred people had towards them.

“How am I supposed to live without her?” Aemma asked with a sniffle, she hates this endless crying. Hates it because Teora used to tease her about it, and she can hear her even if she’s gone.

“You know I asked Alicent the same question when my mother died.” Her mother wrapped her shawl over Aemma’s shoulder, like she used to do when she was little and felt a bit chilly.

“I can hardly believe there was a time she didn’t hate you, mama.” Aemma snuggled up to her mother and breathed in her scent, she missed her dreadfully. Especially now that everything has gone to shit.

“Believe it, little Aem. She was like a sister to me, dearer to me than anyone else to me in the world, until she married my father and then everything changed.” Her mother holds her tightly, soothed her as if she were still a child. You wouldn’t think Aemma was woman grown if you saw her now. “Alicent told me that my mother was not truly gone, that she would always be with me in my heart, in my memories. Teora will live on as long as we never forget her.

We will get through this, one day it won’t hurt us as much.”

---

“Mumuña.” Grandmother, Daemon whispers when Aemma runs out the moment the fish course was served.

The funeral was over, the final farewell was the most difficult part and Rhaenyra was glad to see how well her daughter was doing five days after.

“Rhaenys was ill when Laenor---” she cannot say the words, she could not believe Laenor who never did anything wrong in his life was dead. “It’s the grief making her sick.”

Aemma had only been married for a moon and three weeks, there was no way her younger brother could have gotten her with child so soon.

For fuck’s sake, both were still more children than adults.

“I have sired seven children ---that I am aware of--- I can recognize a pregnant woman by now. You are to be a grandmother, dear wife.” He whispered helping her up.

Daemon had to be wrong in his assumption, yes, he is wrong, she tells herself as she goes after her daughter.

“Kevlyn says the malaise will go away by itself, mama.” Her girl is fanning herself and drinking water with one of the servant girls rushing to fetch a bucket and the maester checking her for signs of other illnesses.

“What is your prognosis, maester?” Rhaenyra asked the man who seemed to have stumbled on a different theory.

“When was the last time you have bled, your highness?” the man asked Aemma who choked on her water in embarrassment.

No, her daughter couldn’t be pregnant. It’s too soon.

“It was supposed to come this week, but it has not come.” Her girl looks at the floor unable to look at them in shame.

“Have you taken the moon tea as Gerardys suggested?” Rhaenyra asks her, they had this conversation. Should Aemma not wish for children yet, she should drink the tea.

The Maester had said Aemma was too young to have a child, to wait until she felt ready to be a mother and preferably around her twentieth nameday.

Girls die because they force them to be mothers too soon, Gerardys had scolded her when she told him about the deal mother and daughter had made.

She shook her head, “I tried but Orwyle said they are forbidden to give it to ladies unless the queen or the Hand allows it.”

Alicent couldn’t be so calloused, to damn women with a child they do not want or cannot have without costing them their lives.

Poor Helaena, she had never been given the chance to choose.

“We did our best to take precautions, but---” the girl cannot even form the words to say it.

They were little more than children, much younger than Rhaenyra and Harwin were when Jacaerys came less than a year after Aemma.

If two adults had trouble making sure Harwin didn’t spill his seed inside her, what chance did two over eager teenagers have?

The Maester looked at the princess of Dragonstone with worry, a fit could cause a miscarriage, or complications in the birthing stool.

Her daughter cannot die.

“Have moon tea prepared for her. If she is not with child it will not hurt for her to prevent it for a while longer.” Rhaenyra orders focusing on the well-being of her daughter and heir.

“No, I will not drink it. You cannot make me; I am of age.” Aemma shook her head in fear. “This child is what may stop Hightower from usurping you, the rift between our families will be mended by my son. Aemon will be born whether we like it or not.”

Aemon, she has named a baby she isn’t even sure exists yet.

Aemon, the true heir. Aemon after Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s firstborn son, Rhaenys’ father who’s heir was robbed of her birthright because of something as trivial as her sex.

Had they come this girl? To have her girl of six and ten put herself at the mercy of the gods just to stop their families from killing each other.

Once she had suggested that Aegon marry Aemma to tie the families together, now she sees how her heir has taken it on herself to force them to stop their fighting or risk losing their hope for the future.

“If that is your wish, I will not stop you. I only ask that you allow me to take care of you when the time comes, neither I nor Maester Gerardys will not take no for an answer.”

----

“You look green, sweet sister.” Baela teases her as they break fast together. “As green as your husband.”

Baela has seen battle, Moondancer has killed pirates, sell-sails and sell-swords alike.

Jace has been blooded too under grandmother’s watchful eye a week ago.

Aemond had killed the people who attacked her as she went after the men at the Rat Pit, but he is irritated that a girl of four and ten has more combat experience than he does.

It will change today, he has gone to answer Celtigar's warning of pirates nearing Claw Isle with Jace and Daemon, the only one willing to teach him how to fight on dragon back.

Aegon had been offered the chance to go with them, but he preferred to spend the say as far away from family duty as he possibly could. It didn’t help that Sunfyre was as lazy as his sister, Syrax.

Do not tighten your saddle chains too much, taoba, Daemon had chided him, you need room to jump if your mount fails you.

It wasn’t his fault that after Aemma’s father died there was no one to teach him properly.

Helaena fared worse; her mother forbade her from doing more than fly Dreamfyre. No maneuvers, no self defense, just the most basic flight patterns.

But there was time to learn, which was a small mercy for them.

Daemon had taken it all as an affront to their person, they may have lived here for centuries, but to forget their culture and family’s roots was to forget yourself.

This gave Aemma the space needed to do Kevlyn’s rather stupid examination and plan accordingly.

This time next year she may be holding her son.

This time next year she will be Princess of Dragonstone and her worst fears will come true.

“There is a possibility that I may be with child. Gods, I’ve never hated omelets as I have done this past two weeks.” Aemma used to be fond of these, especially the ones mother’s cooks made in Dragonstone, but even Baela’s omelet across the table has her wanting to retch.

She eats sweet fruits, plain soft buns sprinkled with cinnamon and fig rolls instead, Aemma used to like sweets, but never figs.

Teora used to like fig rolls.

And that thought has her wanting to cry again. Teora will never know about Aemon.

“Congratulations to you and your prick of a husband.” Baela will never forgive Aemond for the things he said that night and Aemma can admit that Aemond is more of an acquired taste.

If it had been me, I would’ve taken both his eyes, Baela had boldly said once to Aemma’s horror. Baela was more Daemon’s daughter than Laena’s and it was why her father favored her over Rhaena.

Aemond was a pretentious cold fish and an ass to those who didn’t know him like Aemma did.

They see the veneer of aloof confident Prince who appears to be in complete control of himself, but not the awkwardness and insecurities that he has on account of

being raised by his mother and Criston Cole

being maimed by Luke

being the second son of a Targaryen King

It is a lethal combination if you ask his wife.

But she loves Aemond even if he’s a little too dutiful to his mother and his favorite philosophy is that true freedom comes from obeying ---which she hates quite a lot.

“Mother pissed on wheat, said it was how Kevlyn had examined your mother and Aunt Alarra.” Baela said looking over the balcony where they can still see Vhagar in all her size try to keep up with the faster and younger dragons.

She had coiled with the Cannibal; the old bat had shocked everyone with that.

Everyone except Daemon who prided himself in knowing Caraxes had been the last male dragon to confirm Vhagar ---like the god she was named after--- was female.

“At least there is no poking and prodding to it. Even if it sounds rather undignified to piss in front of the maester and mother.” Aemma felt a little better knowing what this examination was.

And sure enough, the wheat seeds sprout.

Aemon, the Young Dragon, the Conqueror of Dorne, King of the Seven Kingdoms.

The prince Viserys had butchered his wife open for and then married a girl young enough to have been sired by him.

[catrasredemption-moved]

That whole "an abusive mother shouldn't be seen as a mother figure" sitting not well with me.

So can you elaborate on that and not make it super invalidating to people abused by foster/adoptive/psuedo paternql figures?

This feels like a trap, but sure. Buckle up, we’re going back to my childhood.

(this is long, contains emotional/mental abuse, alcohol and drug references, and is just plain unpleasant)

I was emotionally/mentally abused by my mother and stepfather for pretty much my entire life. I was an oops baby, and my bio dad at least had the self awareness to check out my life early because he knew he’d never be a good father (yes, I give him some twisted credit for that, because at least he was honest). My mom was kind of... I don’t want to say forced to keep me, but her family was very insistent. I don’t think she would have gotten an abortion anyway (put aside that this was 1991), but things might have been different if she’d just been allowed to go the same route as my father. Her parents pretty much raised me for six years, partially because she had a full-time job, and partially because she just had no clue what she was doing. And I think having her parents as a crutch for so long definitely limited her.

And then she met Paul. Twenty years older than her, didn’t even have a toaster to his name, alcoholic, drug addict. I was six, so obviously this all went over my head, but my mother’s parents did not like him (something I didn’t find out until years after they both died). My mom was 27 at the time, and I don’t know if she just thought no one else would want her because she was a single mother, if she was just desperate, or maybe she really was attracted to him, but she started dating him. I don’t remember everything that led up to the Breaking Point, because this was 23 years ago, but I remember the specific night - she was on the phone with Paul, and I kept saying I was hungry. I forget what she made, but it was something I’d eaten before and suddenly decided I didn’t like (as children do sometimes), so I was upset.

At this point my grandmother or grandfather would usually step in and just make me something else. Instead my grandfather went upstairs and told her to get off the phone and deal with it. Was I being a little bratty? Yeah, probably. Should my grandparents have just dealt with it? No, that was my mother’s job. Even if it just meant coming downstairs and making me eat the Thing. But she didn’t want to get off the phone (this was 1997, people still talked on phones. Weird, right?)

One huge fight later, my mother put me in her car and drove me 20 minutes to another city to stay with Paul and his roommate. I didn’t see my grandparents for three days. That’s when they learned they had to play nice with Paul or my mother would actually take me away.

We moved in with Paul, after they’d been dating for three whole months. My mother upended both of our lives, including making me transfer to another school after first grade, for a guy she’d been dating for three months. A guy she knew had substance abuse problems. A guy who, when home alone during the day, would sit out in the living room and watch porn (and one time watched it in my room, which? I was eight, I very vaguely remember walking into the apartment, my mother immediately grabbing me and pushing me back into the hall while saying “get that shit off her TV.”)

Some very fucked up things happened over the next twelve years, some I still haven’t told anyone about (including my wife), and some that were just wrong in retrospect. Common occurrences included (some of this might be considered lowkey sexual abuse? I’ve never thought about it that way, but my perspective is skewered af):

Telling me to turn sideways so he could see how I was “developing” (this started at 10)

Inappropriate comments about my weight and how I eat too much (starting around 8 or 9)

Wildly gross and sexual comments about my body (starting around 13)

Coming into my room while drunk and asking for a hug, then holding me for too long and lowkey groping (starting around 13 or 14)

Calling me a whiny bitch (starting around 8)

Yelling at me for eating food, especially if I finished something, because I didn’t pay for the food so why should I get to eat it all (starting around 15)

Yelling at me for daring to go out into the living room and talk to my mother while they were watching TV (pretty much the entire time I lived with them)

Telling me my mother used to have “a great body” before she got sick and lost a ton of weight (I don’t remember when exactly that started, but the sickness in question happened when I was 7)

Trying to tell me about how he and mother were getting hot and heavy while I was at school (high school; one of the only times my mother actually told him to shut the fuck up)

Enjoyed calling me stupid and calling me an idiot and other things that were entirely damaging to my self esteem

Straight up saying, after seven years of my mother insisting we were family, that I wasn’t his daughter and I never would be (13)

Inappropriate comments while drunk, to the point where I knew when he’d be drunk (because it was always pay day), and me arranging to be out of the house for a couple of days just so I wouldn’t have to be there (high school; I went to my aunt’s, and eventually she started figuring out a pattern and asking me what was going on. I was 16 when she finally realized I hate Paul as much as she does)

...to name a few things. And my mother? Knew about all of this. And sure, she tried to stick up for me once or twice, like about the food thing, but even that came with the caveat of “maybe you should stop eating so much.” (before anyone asks, yes, I’m slightly overweight, and this was some grade A body shaming). But for the most part, she enabled him. And when he told me to stop being sensitive and it was “just a joke”? She sided with him and told me to stop “whining” (whining being “trying to defend myself”). She took his side about 95% of the time, while still insisting that he was my father, because he was there and he was helping “raise” me. They’ve been together for 23 years, and she’s basically chosen him over me at this point (because I chose to get the fuck out of the house and take a job in a state 300 miles away just to escape that hell). We actually got into a huge fight about him back in June because I didn’t call to wish him a Happy Father’s Day. He has never met my wife (whom he referred to as my “friend”, and my mother saw nothing wrong with that, then got mad when I tried to say “what if I called him your roommate”), he was not invited to our wedding, and we had a fight last Christmas when I went back to visit and straight up said he wasn’t allowed to visit our hotel (because I never want him to meet my wife).

Do I consider her my mother? ...sure, in the absolute vaguest sense of the word. She made sure I made it from birth to 18, kept me clothed and fed and a roof over my head (while constantly reminding me about how much it cost to raise a kid.)

Do I consider him my father? Fuck. No. I left the house for college when I was 18, moved out when I was 22, have had three therapists, been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and probable PTSD, have gathered a small group of my own found family, and I still carry a lot of shit from that time in my life. I hate showing my body in any way, and tend to wear shirts that are, oh, 2-3 sizes too big. I hate eating “too much”, despite the fact that a) my wife doesn’t care if I finish something and b) I help pay for the fucking food. I get extremely anxious when I try to correct someone about something (like my pronouns), because I’m afraid they’re going to yell at me and tell me to stop being sensitive. My self esteem is still basically at rock bottom, to the point where I don’t believe people sometimes when they say they like my writing. I flinch when people try to touch me (that’s getting better, though).

I can’t even give him the bare minimum credit I give my mother, because he actively hindered my attempts to grow up and move on from the shit he put me through. He was, and still is, a terrible person, and the idea of him being my father makes me sick. I give more credit to by bio father (you know, the one who walked out because he knew he wouldn’t be a good father), because he’s at least made a few half-ass attempts throughout my life to show he cares (and in a way, I think he does, he just knew he wouldn’t be a good father). Paul, though? Paul could die tomorrow and I... I can’t say I wouldn’t care at all, just because he has had such a presence in my life, but I wouldn’t miss him.

If you have an abusive parental figure (be it bio/step/foster/adoptive/etc.), and you consider them your parent, then that’s you, and I don’t judge. But Paul, no matter what my mother says, will never be my father in any way. He actively made me afraid to exist or be in my own home. He left scars so deep that I don’t think I’ll ever totally move on from some of it. I need people to remind me that nothing he did was okay or normal, and that my mother wasn’t right for allowing it.

So basically, I have a lot of experience to back up why I don’t think abusive parents should be considered parental figures. Parents are supposed to help you grow and care about you and want you to succeed. Paul did none of those things. He continues to be an active roadblock in my life, as a matter of fact. And I refuse to feel bad about not considering him a parental figure.

[fragmentedink-archived]

Hell to Pay: Part Forty-Four

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, IX, IX, XX, XXI, XXII, XXIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII, XVIIII, XXX, XXXI, XXXII, XXXIII, XXXIV, XXXV, XXXVI, XXXVII, XXXVIII, XXXIX, XL, XLI, XLII, XLIII

cowritten by @lux-scriptum​

A/N: trigger warnings for mentions of suggested abortion

Amara flopped down on her couch. Cin was still with Renee, which- well, it sucked. She missed her mate. And she needed help getting rid of all their shitty furniture so she could let him buy some better furniture for the better apartment she was planning on moving to. As soon as she found one anyway.

She was still laying there, staring at the ceiling, when she heard Nik come in the door. “What happened to your door?” He asked.

“Ash. Shut it behind you.”

“No.”

When she levered herself upright, he was setting the piece of plywood she was using as a door against the wall. “You’ll let in a breeze, dickhead,” she said, flopping back with a groan.

“Good,” Nik said. “Maybe it’ll get rid of the charred wood smell.”

“Not my problem much longer. I’m moving.” Amara threw an arm over her eyes. “Hopefully.”

When Nik didn’t speak, or move closer, Amara groaned loudly. After sitting up, she crossed her legs, peering at how Nik’s arms were folded across his chest.

“Come, sit on the shitty couch I plan on replacing.”

“Why are you leaving?”

Amara squinted. “I’ll tell you if you sit down,” she wheedled.

“When were you going to tell me Destris was dead?”

Guilt pricked at Amara, but she lifted her chin stubbornly. “Sit, and then we talk.”

“No. You lied to me.”

“When?” Amara asked, spine straightening.

“I thought you were done not telling me the truth.”

“Not like I’ve been around much to tell you anything.” When she looked at Nik, he looked close to tears. “Seriously. Sit. I’ll tell you everything.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why tell me now?”

“Because you’re here, dumbass. And no one’s here to interrupt me this time.” She patted the couch insistently.

“Name calling is not going to work in your favor,” he said, pursing his lips.

“Name calling is my way of showing love and you know it.” Amara leaned back. “I was afraid to fail again. I wasn’t going to put you through that. Besides, I was on a tight schedule. I killed him quick. I had to. I needed his soul. And I felt like shit for bailing on you, but- I needed Lev back. You needed him.” She screwed her face up. “And then Cameron kicked me out of the house.”

Nik gave a grim little smile. “Everyone needs Lev,” he said. He sat down on the couch, facing away from her.

“Yeah well, you were kind of out of commission without him. I need my best friend functional. Or as close to it as you usually are.”

“Doesn’t excuse the fact you lied to me. Again.”

“Right. Next time I’ll drop everything I’m doing on a time sensitive mission and tell you what i'm doing.” She crossed her arms. “I wasn’t trying to leave you out of the loop. That’s not a lie. Shit just happened fast, and then Cameron pushed me out of the house, and I haven’t seen much of you since.”

Nik got up with a muttered, “Whatever.”

“Hey, no,” Amara said, jumping to her feet and grabbing his wrist. “Wait. Please. You’re here. Please. Let’s talk, now that you’re here.”

Nik pursed his lips, clearly thinking about it, before he flopped back down. “Speak.”

“Cyrus said the spell we tried didn’t bother to offer anything in exchange.” Amara tipped her head back. “He’s the one who thought of killing Destris. He killed Lev, he should die. So I killed him. Cameron wouldn’t come, which. I expected. He’s got baggage I don’t think anyone wants to unpack. I wish I could have dragged it out, but I was afraid of Destris getting away if I toyed with him. So I gutted him when he opened his front door. Cameron wouldn’t let me stay while they did the magic. So I came over and cried on you, but you know that. And then we spent days waiting for Lev to wake up, and that’s all I could think about at the time.”

She paused, touched his shoulder. “I’ve been ignoring you,” She finally said. “Worse than usual. And that’s not fair.”

“You didn’t kill him fast enough.” Nik’s voice broke. He curled into the couch, looking away.

“Noted for next time.” Amara hesitated. She leaned against him, closing his eyes. “Hey. I won’t apologize. You hate those. But. I’ll try to be a better friend.”

Nik stared into the couch blankly. Silent tears slipped down his cheeks. “I’m pregnant,” he finally said, voice cracking. “He’s the father.”

Oh. Amara had no idea what to say. “You keeping it?” She finally asked.

“I don’t know.”

Amara considered him. “You don’t have to, you know. If you don’t want to.”

“You mean not carry a sadist’s spawn in my weird omega uterus? Yeah, I’m aware.”

“Plenty of angels are weird about abortions. Won’t even say the stupid word. It really is an option.”

“If i want to get an abortion, I will. I just don’t know what I want.”

Amara considered that. “Okay,” she finally said. “Whatever you decide, it’s the right decision.”

Nik gave her a really tired look. “Okay,” he said dryly. “Thank you, Ash.”

“Ouch,” Amara said, smacking his shoulder. “Take that back right now.”

Nik curled into the couch and rested his head on the back cushion. “What, exactly,” he said, “is Cameron going to say when he finds out I slept with his brother of all people? Cameron puts up with a lot of my shit, but he’s not going to put up with this. Not Destris.”

Amara considered him. “Cameron isn’t going to do anything,” she said. “It’s Destris.”

“Destris did not come onto me,” he said. “I came onto him. I went to him for the drugs and I was more than willing to let him fuck me- and knot me. Even if it’s Destris, I am not Destris, and… this kid sure as hell isn’t either.”

“You went to Destris?” Amara frowned. “You knew it was Destris, and you went to him anyway?”

“No I did not know it was Destris,” Nik said, irritably. “But that doesn’t mean shit.”

“Kinda think it means everything,” Amara said. “If you don’t know who you’re fucking, how the hell do you consent.”

Nik’s eyes narrowed in thought. “Easily. With my mouth. And ass apparently.”

Amara rolled her eyes. “No.” She said. She poked his cheek. “Not how consent works, dumbass.” She leaned against him, and sighed. “But I’m not going to change your mind. I know that. Just... know Cameron will understand.”

“Sure he will,” Nik said. “Because Cameron is capable of forgiveness or empathy or literally anything else on any form of emotional spectrum. Not to mention we already have one kid in the house that he wanted to kill the moment he laid eyes on. And that kid isn’t even a hybrid.”

Amara nodded. “Cameron is just a freak of nature who doesn’t feel shit normally. But I know it’ll work out. I just know.” She tapped her temple.

“Since when were you an optimist?” Nik demanded, voice cracking. “Ugh, stars. I am so sick of crying.” Nik wiped hastily at his tears, his glower faltering. “I’m a horrible person.” he closed his eyes. “Lev literally just got brought back from the dead and I’m pissed off everyone cares more about him than me.”

Amara shrugged. “You’re allowed to be selfish. And everyone will stop fawning over him soon enough. Or, as much. Everyone fusses over Lev. You do, I bet. If you need more attention, more love, more- whatever, ask for it. You know no one will mind. You deserve it too.”

“Do I?” Nik asked, silent tears slipping down his face. He palmed his eyes, sniffling. “I’ve been selfish my entire life,” he said “Now I’m just being an asshole. Not like I was just brutally murdered and then necromancied back into life.”

“You are,” Amara said. “Now go be selfish, or I’ll tattle to Lev and Cameron that you're not getting enough attention that you need.”

“I decided to go out and get high and completely blow off everyone, making Cameron turn into a skeleton, Lev try to make me stay dead and everyone try to handle me. I’ve been nothing but selfish and smothered and now I want erven more attention and it’s even worse because Lev doesn’t remember anything and now I’m pregnant and if i say a word to anyone about it, especially Lev, then he’s going to try to bend over backwards to parent me and Cameron’s going to hate me, even more than he already does, and Nate’s going to get even weirder about me being in Cameron’s house and-” Nik’s mouth snapped shut and he took a deep breath. “Point is, being selfish is what got me into this mess in the first place.”

Amara sighed. “I don’t know how to logic you out, Nik. You'll have to find someone else to do that, but I’ll always be here for you. Cheesy as that sounds. If you can't be selfish around anyone else, then, be selfish around me.”

Nik blinked rapidly, scrubbing his face before moving over to lean against her. His entire body trembled with barely suppressed tears while she put her arm around him. He sniffled. “You’re annoying,” he finally said, petulantly.

“It's my job,” Amara replied. “You wanna stick around a bit longer?”

“Yeah,” Nik sighed against her.

---

With Nik gone for the day, Lev was stuck in bed, though at least Cameron was there. In the chair. Out of arms reach. Lev lasted an hour, ignoring the vague ache pulsing through him, before he cracked.

“Cam?” Lev asked.

“Hm?”

“It hurts,” Lev admitted. “I- can you hold me?” He was quick to add, “I can sit in your lap if you still want to read, but- not being touched… hurts.”

“Sure,” Cameron said eventually. He settled more comfortably, and then shifted so Lev’d have room.

Lev wobbled the few steps it was to Cameron’s lap, and curled in immediately. Cameron pulled a blanket around Lev, and started to play with Lev’s hair absently as he read. Slowly the ache faded, and Lev sighed softly into Cameron’s neck.

“Thank you,” he said softly.

“Mmmhmm,” Cameron replied.

“I guess we should let Ash know… I didn’t realize… I didn’t know it hurt like that. Nik hasn’t let me go since he arrived.”

After a few seconds, Cameron said, “Nik will be back soon.”

Lev nodded. He knew that. And he didn’t begrudge Nik his time away. “I like time with you too,” Lev said. “I like it when you hold me. I feel safe.”

“All you have to do is ask.”

“I know. That’s the hard part.” Lev pressed a shy kiss to Cameron’s cheek. “I’ll work on it.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

Lev snorted softly, and snuggled back into Cameron. “You haven’t changed much.”

“I’ve been at work. I’ve been too busy.”

“That sounds about right.” Lev absently traced Cameron’s collarbone. It stuck out more than he remembered, and he didn’t like it. Not one bit.

Cameron went back to reading, but Lev didn’t mind. His alpha’s hand was still playing with his hair, and Lev was content to let him.

Lev had dozed off by the time Nik came home. Lev only stirred when he ehared Cameron tell Nik… something about dinner. That was enough Lev’s head shot up, peering blearily around.

“Nik?” Lev asked, finally focusing on his boyfriend.

Nik gave him a tired smile. “Hi.”

Lev scrambled clumsily out of Cam’s lap, and wrapped himself around Nik tightly. “How was it?” He mumbled.

Nik wrapped his arms around Lev’s waist. “Amara was being Amara, as usual.”

“A little annoying, and not really helpful, but you feel a little better anyway?”

“Yeah. Exactly that,” Nik said.

“She’s good at that.” Lev pulled away, long enough to flop on the bed wearily. “Nap with me?”

“Yeah,” Nik promised, joining him. “That sounds nice.”

---

Lev had sent the sentries back for proper pillows twice, though he wouldn’t give back the others. He tucked them around Nik, though he tossed a few chosen to the floor. Nik didn’t offer to help, and just watched Lev sleepily. Lev took several breaks, and napped frequently.

He occasionally took small laps around the room. As long as he didn’t stray too long, Nik just waited for him in bed. Lev poked around in the adjoining bathroom, puttered around in the walk in closet. He dragged several pillows in there with him, and one of the extra blankets, too. He left them there, out of the way, and crawled back in bed with Nik once again.

Nik tugged Lev close. “If you keep getting out of bed, you’re going to get in trouble,” Nik mumbled.

“You’re with me,” Lev said. “I’m supervised. And I don’t stay long.”

“I see you’re going to drag me under the bus with you.”

Lev burrowed close. “I didn’t mean to. I- I can stay in bed.” He touched Nik’s cheek lightly, and then, “I’ll try anyway. I’m supposed to try to walk a bit.”

Nik whined at him, and curled into Lev.

Lev stroked his hair. “I’ll stay,” he promised, more firmly this time. He pressed a hesitant kiss to Nik’s forehead. To Lev’s delight, Nik began to purr softly.

Lev settled deeper in the bed, and closed his eyes. Before he knew it, he was dead asleep, one hand fisted in Nik’s shirt.

Tagging: @incandescent-creativity @idreamonpaper @solangelo3088 @halstudies @alittleyellowdinosaur @caelisis

[ohtheseboysilove]

Sexy panties to dirty nappies I/? [ Ben Hardy x F!Reader ]

Words : 3,100 K +

Warnings : language, surprise pregnancy

Summary : Reader is eight months pregnant. The only problem ? She just find out. Yep, pregancy denial. Now they only got a month to be ready for the baby. Ready...steady...go !

Note : I get this little idea popping in my head and I couldn’t take it off so, here is it. It’s not an angst fic this time, rather cute, fluff and fun. Ben and Reader gonna be freaking out about an upcoming baby that wasn’t planned at all. Enjoy and tell me what you think lovies !! (If you don’t know what a pregnancy denial is, basically you’re pregant but don’t know that, some women don’t notice until they are literally giving birth !! This is some scary shits, uurk) xx

Masterlist & Requests

@/ none of these gifs are mine xx

“Shit Ben, you’re such a dork” You snorted ridiculously as your boyfriend tried on your brand new pink panties, thigh and way too short on him. “Gimme that I need to get dress” You made grabby hands toward his muscular bottom on practically full display.

“Come and get it” He wiggled his eyebrows funnily, a cheeky grin covering his face.

“Ben...” You warned as you stood up, walking to this idiot, your idiot from the last three years with the firm attention to have back your knickers. “I’m already late Benny, come on” You pouted as he shook cockily his head, grabbing your waist and connecting your mouths together.

You sighed in the kiss, you could never be bored of the softest and sweet taste of his lips. His warm hands squeezed gently your covered butt but you pulled away, knowing where he was going with this not-at-all action.

“I wasn’t done with you yet” He grimaced as you tried to escape his strong arms, his lips travelling on your neck and hips rocking slightly against you, you could feel his bugle poking through your panties. “Stay with me today, I just come back from months away, need you” He whispered with a needy voice to your ear.

“Love, you know I would rather stay with you but I have this fucking important presentation today, I can’t miss work” You whined, his soft caresses making you weak on your knees. He definitively didn't make it easier for you.

Ben groaned against you but let you go eventually, taking off the panties and putting in it your hands, now fully naked. You bit your lips at this incredible sight, Ben was truly pleasant to look at. He caught your flushed cheeks and winked at you before going lazily back in bed. The blond lay down, sliding an arm under his head, showing a muscular biceps and his hard shaft was mocking you, god, you really wanted to stay here.

“Aren’t you suppose to get dress, doll ?” He teased you with a big smile, lazily scrolling on his phone as you stood there, thinking if you really needed this job after all. You sighed and showed him your middle finger before bending to slid your underwear on. A sharp pain hit you roughly in the back and you whined loudly, hand flying to the aching part of your body, jaw clenched harshly. “Your back is still hurting baby ?”

He crawled to you and gently cupped your face, his eyes full of concern.

“I’m fine Benny” You murmured through your teeth and slowly straightened your spine, a low whimper escaping your throat. “It’s nothing”

“You should really go to the doctor (Y/N), I’m serious, it’s been weeks” Ben rubbed softly your back as you slid – not without difficulties – your work pants. “I can take you when I pick you up tonight”

You walked painfully to your closet and picked a white blouse, cursing quietly at every of your movements.

“We not gonna miss our tuesday night for a sore back” You smiled through your pain and Ben rolled his eyes but grinned anyway. “I’m gonna kick your ass tonight love, be ready”

You both chuckled and the blond sighed deeply, coming to you and closing himself your buttons, his noses brushing softly with yours.

“You’re gonna lose tonight, like always baby” He smirked and pecked your pouty lips. “See you later, loser”

He closed the bathroom door as you put your shoes on, the clock ticking as you were running late.

“Don’t forget the shopping list I left on the table !” You shouted. “Love you Benny”

“Love you too !” You closed the front door and left for work. Finally.

You spent the whole drive to work thinking about your evening, tuesday night was the best when Ben was around. Basically both of you eat greasy food – burger or pizza – played video games, fucked then played again, beers and eventually some weed to go through the evening. It was a tradition, you and Ben used to do that when you were just friends – the fucking part aside – and nothing changed after you get together. You were still the same two dorks, but in love now. You really loved the life you had with Ben, you were twenty five and living your best life with someone as cool as Ben. Sometime your mom told you that you needed to grow up but honestly you were still young and wanted to have fun.

You didn’t know yet but your life was about to change brutally within few hours.

Everything was fine, Ben had send you a good luck text for your presentation and until now, you were killing it. It was only nine-something in the morning when the pain in your back came back, more violently than before. You tried to forget it and continued your job but the aching was brutal, tears were flowing down your cheeks and before someone could react you passed out.

When you woke up you were laying in a hospital bed, the annoying sound of a monitor buzzing in your ears. You blinked few times to adapt your eyes to the bright luminosity of the room and rubbed your temples, a headache muddling your brain.

“Good to see you awake miss (Y/N) (Y/L/N), I am doctor Davis” A middle age man with big and round glasses was facing you, his eyes going from the paper in is hands to the screen of the monitor.

“What I’m doing here ?” You mumbled, your throat dry and sore. You could have killed for a glass of water.

“Well, you fainted at your work, not long ago. Do you remember what happened Miss ?” You frowned, trying to clear your mind.

“I was doing my presentation then...my back...yeah my back was really painful then nothing”

The doctor cleared his throat and came closer to you, rubbing his chin slightly. “We found the reason for this pain in your back but it’s going to be...surprising for you”

“What do you mean surprising ? Am I going to die ?” You asked with a panicked voice.

The doctor chuckled softly and put a reassuring hand on your forearm, squeezed it lightly.

“(Y/N), you’re not going to die, I can assure you that.” You sighed deeply but you were still agitated, what was going on ? “Miss, your backache is nothing else than normal...because you’re pregnant”

Your eyes widened and you stared blankly at him.

“I’m pregnant ? But I’m taking the pill since like...forever, it’s–“You closed your mouth and internally freaked out, a baby ? You weren’t ready for that. “I can’t have a kid, I’m– we can’t...”

“I’m afraid, miss, that you have no other choice than to carry this baby until the due date” You frowned and for a second you were sure he was one of these doctor who were against abortion but the truth was even worth. “You did what we call a denial of pregnancy miss, you’re eight months pregnant”

Seeing a pig flying in the sky would have been less shocking than his words. And even making more sense, you know with the science’s progress, why not ? You shook your head and chuckled nervously, there were no chance you were carrying a child for eight months without noticing it.

“No, no, you...it’s impossible” You rubbed your flat stomach to prove your point. “I lost three pounds last month, I’m certainly not pregnant doc. I’m sorry but you’re probably not in the good room” You felt a bit better, yeah he was wrong, periods.

The man smiled softly and pinched his lips together, his voice was gentle like if he was talking to a kid :

“I know it must be a shocking new (Y/N), it’s the first time in my career that I personally work on a denial of pregnancy, I can’t imagined how you’re feeling right now but I promise, it’s real” Your confident smile faded at his very serious tone. “Now that you know about your condition, your body will react to it and probably in few days you will have an eight-months look and all the things which come with pregancy (Y/N). Morning sickness, swollen feet, sudden craving...”

You didn’t listen any other words he said. You eyes were glued to your bare clothed stomach, afraid that it will swollen in a minute. He showed you an ultrasound scan as a proof but your brain couldn’t simply process the information. Eight months pregnant. In less than a month you will be a mom. Hell, you already were a mom, the baby could pop up any time soon. What the fuck were you going to tell Ben ? And your parents ? Friends ? Work ? Fucking hell.

The rest of your morning was completely blurred, only doing tests and analyses, all the checking you were supposed to do during these eight months of pregnancy. And god you felt awful for this kid, you drank, you smoked and not only cigarette, you ate sushi and al these things you were not suppose to do as a pregnant woman...but could you be blamed for that ? No. But you still felt guilty. Most of your analyses came back positives and some others took few more days to have the results but apparently you and the baby were fine. Baby...still so unreal.

When they finally let you go, you found Ben in the waiting room, his face pale like he was about to pass out. But he didn’t know. The doctor swore that they didn’t say anything as it was a complicated situation, so it was your job now to tell him he is gonna be a father well sooner than expected. Sooner as less than a month.

“Baby, jesus christ, are you all right ? These fucking assholes didn’t tell me anything ! I was worrying sick !” He shoved you in his arms, his hands examining every inches of your face to make sure you were alright.”Your boss called me, telling me you passed out during your presentation, what happened ?”

He barely let you anytime to answer, his lips already kissing yours. Ben always been a touchy guy, he loved contact, holding hands, arms around your shoulders, fingers drumming on your thigh when he drive...And when he was worried, he won’t let go of you. Everytime you were sick, he was literally glued to your side, cooing at you like a mother hen or like this time you broke your ankle, he was ready to carry you all around the flat if you would let him. You loved this side of Ben so much but today you were so afraid to scaring him off with this unexpected pregnancy.

“I’m alright, love” You gently caressed his cheek, his face relaxing a bit at your gesture. “But...I have something very important to tell you” He frowned his eyebrows and his worries came back even quicker than before.

“What–“

You put a finger on his mouth, cutting short to his rambling and grabbed his hand.

“Not here, let’s talk in the car” He reluctantly followed you, his eyes burning hole in your head as he stared intensely at you, like you were about to fall dead at his feet in any second.

He opened the car and both of you jumped inside. You looked at your flat stomach, he wouldn’t believe you, how could he ?

“Baby, please tell me what’s going on ? You’re scaring me” He looked at you with pleading eyes and you felt guilty to make him worry like that.

“The doctor found why my back hurt me so much”

 Smooth beginning (Y/N).

As expected Ben’s face lit up with a relieved smile. “That’s awesome baby ! You’re gonna be alright then ?”

“I’m fine, it’s just...I...I’m pregnant Ben” You dropped – only half – of the bomb and watched your very interesting blue nails polish, all chipped. You really needed a good manicure.

“Alright...” Ben shook his head, his eyes wides and almost popping out of his head, doing his best to not completely freaked out. “We...have different options, I– what do you want to do ?” He grabbed your hands and you slowly looked at him, lower lip roughly pinched between your teeth. “If...abortion is still a option but...if you want to keep the baby, I can call my agent and...ask for more free time for you and the baby until–“

“Ben the baby is coming in a month” You stated bluntly. He tilted his head and then gazed at your flat belly before chuckling.

“Yeah sure (Y/N). If all of this it’s a joke I don’t–“

“It’s not a joke Ben !” You shouted, tears gathering in your eyes. You didn’t cry easily , both of you and your boyfriend seemed rather surprise. “Fucking pregnancy hormones” The blond kept his mouth shut, waiting for a rational explanation. “The doctor said I did a...a denial of pregnancy” He scratched his chin, nodding slowly and pretending he understood. You knew him like the back of your hand and his eyes were screaming that he had no clue about all of this. “Basically, my body completely ignored the fact that I was pregnant, still get my periods like everything was normal but in fact, I had a baby inside me for the past eight months, I’m not even a mother yet but I’m already the worst possible mom”

You hid your face in your hands, you felt so guilty about this tiny human, maybe already fucked up because of your actions. Ben’s hands slowly rubbed your shoulder but he didn’t say a word. The shock and fear painting all over his features. He drove both of you, or rather the three of you back home in a thick silence. Your and his mind were blinded with oppressing thoughts, most of people had time to prepare a baby arrival or could even decided about if they wanted a kid or not but you didn’t have this chance.

Ben held your hand as you walked to your shared flat but stayed in a deafening silence.

“Here, it’s the...the picture of the baby. He also gave me an envelope with the sex of the baby inside, if we want to know before the birth” You placed the ultrasound photo in his hands and locked yourself in the bathroom, you couldn’t bear his silence much longer.

He stayed mute. You felt the fear inside you growing even bigger. What if he left you ? A baby-bomb could be a good reason to run away but it was Ben...he would never do that to you or the...your baby. He won’t. He just needed time to process the information. After a long and hot shower, you looked at yourself in the mirror, more precisely to your belly. It didn’t look bigger than before. Or maybe yes. You turned on your side and softly touched it, definitively bigger. It also could be your mind tricking your eyes. It was only few hours since you knew about your pregnancy...but the doctor did say you will have a swollen belly around four days from today, probably. It was fucking scary and your emotional support also know as Ben, was actually out of service. Awesome. You still get your emergency emotional support and this one was always working, get four paws and soft fur, answering at the sweet name of Frankie.

You quietly reached for your room and put a comfy pyjama on then spotted the little fur ball on the bed, chilling like the princess she was. You grabbed her and cuddled her in your arms, her adorable scent of dog comforting you as you made your way to the living-room. To Ben.

He was in the sofa, his eyes glued to the ultrasound you gave him.

“Benny ?” You asked with a soft tone. “Please, can you say something ?” You sat next to him, keeping few centimetres between your two bodies. Something you didn’t do since your first date and all the doubts that go with.

He put the image on the coffee table and stood up brutally.

“I...I’m going to do some shopping. I can use some fresh air” He rubbed awkwardly his neck, looking everywhere rather than to you.

Your felt your heart race speeding up at these words. That was the cue, he was leaving you.

“Ben, please don’t do that” You grabbed his forearm, eyes watering at the though of ending all alone with this baby. “Don’t leave me, I can’t do that all by myself. I need you.”

His eyes widened at your words and his features immediately soften, his warm hands rubbing your wet cheeks.

“(Y/N), my sweet silly girl, I’m not going anywhere” He chuckled softly, his hands shaking slightly against your skin. “Well, I do need to buy some food for tonight, didn’t have the time this morning. Need more beer than I thought and soft drink for you, babe” You sniffled, wiping away your eyes and nodded slowly. “Sorry for my...lack of answer to this hum big new, I’m still processing the whole thing. But we are in this...uncommon situation together alright ?” He pecked gently your mouth before grabbing his keys car and jacket.

“’kay. You promise you will come back ?” You hated your weak voice, that wasn’t you at all but right now all you needed was to be reassured.

“I will” His tone sufficed to convince you. “Any food craving or is it too early ?” Both of your gazes fell on your flat stomach, waiting like the baby will answering by himself to his dad’s question.

“Don’t know for this baby but I wouldn’t object to a veggie pizza tonight” You shrugged. You didn’t fully understand you were pregnant, it was so unreal.

“Alright, I see you later” He smiled softly and disappeared behind the main door.

You slouched down in the couch, sighing deeply.

“Jesus fucking Christ” You rubbed your face roughly, this situation was the craziest that ever happened to you. You couldn’t believe your own body hid from you that you were carrying a tiny human. For eight fucking months.

Your mom gonna laugh so hard. You and Ben, a baby ? You weren’t ready for that, in few years of course but right now ? Not when your biggest achievement of your saturday night was too finish a bottle wine all by yourself without throwing up.

You and Ben had roughly more or less four weeks to be ready for a baby. Easy peasy, right ?

[xxbeautyinthebreakdownxxo]

Always Mad

I dont understand that no matter what I do or say youre always mad. I try to do what I can not to make you mad. I ask a question and im wrong for that, you say I should know by now but I still dont seem to understand. I dont do anything bad to you and thats what makes me sad. It hurts when people ask me simple things like "where is he working at today" "when is he coming back" "when is he leaving" "where is he going" "are youse coming" and lots of other questions all with the same reply "he doesnt tell me anything". Heres what I dont understand at all:  

You're always mad, but I always cook you breakfast, lunch, lunch for work, and dinner.. every day. Even when im mad and that makes me mad. You're always mad but I always do your laundry, fold your clothes, and put them away nicely, you've never said thank you.. and thats what makes me mad. You're always mad, but I always tell you how handsome you are even when I never nor have I ever gotten random everyday compliments from you, and that makes me mad. You're always mad but I always tell you how much I love you, even though you never say it first, and alot of times have attitude abojt saying it back, so its said with no meaning only annoyance, and thats what makes me mad. You're always mad, but everyday I ask you how your day was, while mostly all of the time you just give me the "its fine" head nod, followed by silence, and that makes me mad. You're always mad, but ive never missed a holiday, birthday, special occasion, and Ive always thought of you when I go places so I get you things "just because", even though its been 3 years with you and I've never ever ever received anything, not even a flower picked off the side of the road, and that makes me mad. You're always mad, but I have always taken interest, showed some type of interest, asked questions about your interests, took some type of interest in your interests because it makes you happy and you YOU, even though you never take any interest in my interests, and when im excited to tell you about something that interests me you shoot me down and I feel myself go from excited to hurt, and that's what makes me mad. You're always mad, but I always make sure you know and feel that I love and care about you, yet I never feel love, nor have I ever thought you really cared for me, and thats what makes me mad. You're  always mad, but I go,above and beyond to show you I only want you, and no one else gets my attention, yet every couple weeks or months another girl pops up either from your past , or new ones.. and that's what makes me mad. You're always mad, but while were out in public you refuse to hold my hand, and you make sure you are the furthest away from me, basically walk away from me and thats what makes me mad. You're mad, but when your actions cause me to hurt and react you try and turn it on me.. because you can't communicate and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad , but we made a promise to each other that things wouldn't escalate when we fought to the point where pur hands are on each other again... yet the last 3 huge fights we had I was in shock and disbelief that you broke that promise, I kept my hands to myself and didnt even defend ,. I sat there asking why you hate me..,and thats what makes me mad.  You're mad, but you told me you put your hands on me because you dont k ow how else to react, because you so desperately dont want me to leave so you dont let me.. I stay because not only am I in love with you, but because I know this isnt the real you, you're angry and although I forgive you and never left your side especially when your demons came out. Yet you never said sorry or showed appreciation for any of it and thats what makes me mad. You're mad, but ive always been by your side when you needed me with anything, even take care of you when you're sick, even though anytime I needed you mostly all of the times you were nowhere to be found and ive never even received a "do you need anything" when im sick, and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad, but when i found out I was pregnant you were so mean to me, you called me a whore, and spread mean things around about me .. youre mad, but when you said we should abort agreed even though I didn't want to. Youre mad, but an hour before my appointment  you begged me not to do it and that you'd be there and not let me do it on my own. Last minute I cancelled the appointment, and you never ever made it to one  baby appointment, never once asked how I was feeling, never once felt him moving, never once showed concern about him, you didnt want me going anywhere so you kept me very close , and as I was pregnant sleeping in your bed every night, you would leave all night long and screw around on me, you,never bought one thing that the baby needed, you never came to the birth even after I begged multiple times, you told me that you hope I die right before I went into get the c-section.... you didnt speak to me for days, and you never came.. and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad, but I forgave you and 2 weeks after our son was born you were fucking an ex  fling .. THEN you finally met him, and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad, but after telling me you wanted to try and make a family work, and that you loved me , you were going around denying him and telling people you didnt want a family with me , and thats what makes me mad. You say youre mad.. we came so very far from those things for a little while we had peace, you were faithful, and I had my little family, I felt loved somewhat ... we moved in together.. you started treating me bad again, then you were caught doing things behind my back that you knew would hurt me, and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad, but I asked why out of all your options you chose me .. you said "because I was the only one dumb enough to stick around" .... and in a way that makes me mad. Youre mad, but im completely in love with you, stuck around and believed you'll eventually change because you were broken when we met and "hurt people hurt people" .. nothing youve done made me love you less, it just made me feel a different kind of hurt. . Yet every day I dont feel loved or appreciated back and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad , but if you ever read this youd find a way to leave becUse you cant take honestly and credibility.. and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad, but you know there is alot of things I didnt write because my fingers hurt from holding this tablet for so long as youre iracing, and havent spoken to me since you got home other than teing me I was making you mad for asking questions, and im an idiot because I should know by now.. even though all day long I waited for you to get home bc I missed you... you responded with a sarcastic laugh and shook ur head no and havent spoken to me since .. and thats what makes me mad. Most of all what makes me mad is knowing you can love , communicate, care, and treat me better .. it makes me mad because you must think I dont deserve that from you. It makes me mad you dont appreciate me or the unconditional love I have for you.. and thats what makes me mad . Youre mad , but I love you so much that I wont leave or give up on you because I know youre my person, and you know you,can get away with anything because of that and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad, but the good days are so good I never want them to end .. good and bad days you make me happy .. you show things very seldom, but still in your own fucked up way.. I know under your hurt you must love me bc you,never let me leave and youve once told me you never loved someone as much as me and thats why I dont understand how you treat me this way, and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad but people think im mad for staying, I just know youll come around .. its 4:18am ive been writingg for over an hour , maybe its been two , but you said to stop talking , so I started writing, you havent spoken a word to me and ur still racing. Youre mad because im writing and not talking as yiu said.. you keep glancing ocer and sighing .. youll come to bed in silence and turn ur back to me like I did this .. and thats what makes me mad. I love you so much and I wont ever give up on you because as fucked as all of this is , I want you forever. I deserve it after all .. what makes me mad is I can feel that youre going to leave .. it hurts and scares me.. and thats what makes me mad. Youre mad but knowing you never read this, or somehow find this you wont read it all and realize what u have right here. You wont care to change and fix this.. and thats what makes me mad. 

One last thing, you're mad, but I know there's someone else.. yet you wont be honest with me.. youre mad but I dont understand why someone else gets the best you.. meaning you treat them like they mean something, n I bet u talk to her nice and with respect, im sure you compliment and confide in her and I bet you tell her ur problems and about your day and how much you want to leave because you hate your life with me , I bet she gets the best you, and that makes me mad, but most of  it tops everything else.. its killing me and you dont care. How does she get the best you ive n begging for, an waiting for.. how does she deserve that so effortlessly.. yet ive been out through just about everything , all the emotions , all the hurt, and stuck by you.. it makes me mad and kills me that you think still after everything.. I still deserve nothing from you other than hurt. How could you.. it makes me mad bc ill never get an answer... 

Youre mad, but I loved, love, and it will always BE YOU. I showed and still continue to show unconditional love and u dont care thats why im mad. 

You're mad but I loved you the most......

And thats what makes me mad. 

[jay-wells-writes]

Something different.

Now I understand that this is not what you all follow me for. But this is something that is close to my heart and I wanted to share it with you all. But I can tell you that it is said and it may hold triggers to some. I can tell you that it talks about death, miscarriages/still born, and abortion. Those triggers are in passing, nothing more. They are important to what I wanted to share with you. But if that isn't your thing, I completely understand.  

When you think February, you think Valentine's Day. And if you will have a date for the night or if you would be alone. But other then my husband’s birthday, there is 2 other reason why this month is important. And neither one evolves around Valentine’s Day.

Each month you see Awareness for one thing or another. And in my eyes, each and everyone is important. But some get way more acknowledgement. How ironic that the two most important to me fall on the same month. When I first started to write this out I set out to make you cry. But the more I wrote the more I felt like it was a paper you would write for school. It told the story, but it didn't give you an idea on what it felt like for me, to live through it.

Alyzea aka Ali was born October of 2011. Normal pregnancy and easy delivery. But the day Ali turned 7 weeks old, we were thrown into a world that I never knew about. Because Ali was born with a broken heart. And then, at the age of three, our world was once again turned upside down when we learned she also was born with a genetic disorder called Mosaic Turner’s Syndrome. But let's talk dive into the heart defect first.

As mentioned above Ali was 7 weeks old when we learned she had a heart defect called Aortic Stenosis, with a Unicuspid Aortic Valve. Oh, did I fail to mention that Ali was also in Congestive Heart Failure? And also being airlifted to another children’s hospital. Are you lost yet? So were we. This all happened in one day. But as they say in commercials, just wait! It gets better. We learned this all in one day, after a week of fighting with our doctor. From the beginning shall we?

A week before this shit storm I started to notice that Ali wasn’t eating like she should, took her to the doctors and they told us “It's just a cold” nothing to worry about as long as you are getting wet diapers. There was no need to worry. So all week long, I watched as our daughter was eating less and less. Soon eating less turned into sleeping all day and breaking out in sweats. Each time I called the doctors, “oh it’s just a cold”. Soon everyone was telling me, “it’s just a cold”. Including my own mother.

Then one night my daughter went the whole night without giving me a wet diaper, almost nine hours actually. So I make the same call I had been all week. This time they tell me, sometimes babies don't pee at night. It is normal. She needs to go more than eight hours during the day.

While I was on the phone with my mom, bitching, I could hear my dad in the background telling me to just take her in. So I did. The urgent care doctor looked at her and told me that she was dehydrated. And needed to go to the ER for I.V. fluids. At the ER, Ali got her fluids, they ran blood work, and did a chest x-ray. And everything came back normal. So they sent us home and told us to follow up with the doctor the next day.

Next day. The following morning I ran the hubby to work and made an appointment with the nurse practitioner for 9 o’clock that morning. On my way home the hospital called and told me they had another person look over our daughters x-ray. And it showed that Ali’s heart was slightly enlarged and had fluid around her lungs. I don't even make it home before the doctor's office was calling me, telling me the nurse practitioner didn't feel comfortable seeing my daughter and they wanted to send me to the other office 30 minutes away, because they actually had a peds office. Ok I know what you are thinking. Why the hell was I going there in the first place?! Well, because my whole life I saw a family doctor and thought if I did it, why couldn’t Ali?

Anyways, the only issue there, was they couldn't get Ali in till much later in the afternoon. Once home my mother in law told me that she was able to get Ali to eat, but then she puked it all back up. Time seemed to slow down as I waited to leave. And the whole time I waited, Ali slept.

Soon it was time to meet Dr. W, a women who soon became a major part of Ali’s life. This women took one look at Ali and knew something wasn't right. But the x-ray report made no sense, so she called in another doctor. And that's when they told me to take her to a children’s hospital, where she was admitted

Fast forward the rest of that day and into the next. All of Ali’s test showed the same thing. Her heart was enlarged and she had fluid on her lungs. While they were doing her echo-cardiogram Dr. L came in. He took one look at her echo and told me that she was in congestive heart failure and needed to be airlifted to another children’s hospital that was equipped to work with her. Before I knew it he had four nurses taking her away to the PICU. And by the time I made it down the hall, four turned into ten. And I watched through a window as they all worked on Ali. Tell me, have you ever looked on as a 8 lb baby laid in an adult size bed and was surrounded by strangers?  They tried to get me to leave and go to the waiting room, but I wouldn't. They shut the blinds to make me move, and I still didn't. I finally moved when the PICU doctor stood outside her door and yelled for them to make me move.

Because we thought that “It was just a cold” my husband had went to work that morning. So when all this went down I was alone. They called a chaplain to sit with me while I waited for my parents to come. After talking with my husband he agreed that staying near the house was the best thing and that when I got home we would travel to the new hospital together.

Although I was hurting I managed to keep it together and it wasn't until my parents walked in did I lose it. I became mad, I was mad at the doctors because I fucking knew something was wrong and they all pushed it to the side, I was pissed at Dr. L because he came across as in personal and after telling me Ali was sick he left the room only to come back minutes later to move her. But my dad stopped that train of thought when he asked me, “what was more important, my feelings or my daughter's life?” I was even mad at my mom for not believing me. But when I looked into her eyes I saw the guilt that was eating at her. And I knew I could never stay mad. But the one person I was most upset with, was myself. Because I let myself start to believe that maybe everyone was right, that maybe it was just a cold and I should back off.

At the other Children’s hospital I remember the respiratory therapist telling me that when Ali first got to them she didn't think Ali would make it, because the ventilator was doing all of her breathing for her. The night before her surgery I remember calling my little sister and crying. Telling her that my baby was fighting for her life and I couldn’t do anything. That I just wanted my baby to be ok. Nothing she could say could make it better, so she just sat there and listen as I cried my eyes out. I remember the surgeon telling us that she had a 10% chance of surviving the heart cath. But all the same we signed the papers and watched as they took her back. For 2 hours we sat and waited. Till they told us she made it out of surgery and she was doing just fine. She ended up spending a week in the hospital. Coming home on Thanksgiving. For the first few months after, it was hell. Because any little thing she did that wasn't right we would begin to panic. When I told you that Dr. W was an amazing women, I meant it. Because anytime I went into panic mode she was there to tell me that it was ok. And that I had every right to be that freaked out. But it was Dr. L that made me realize I couldn't live in the past. Because if I sat there thinking of the what if’s I would miss out on everything that's happening now.

Ali had another heart cath done at 5 months old. And hasn't had any issues since then. But that doesn't mean she is out of the woods. She will have to have open heart surgery at some point. There is no if ands or buts about it. It is in her cards.

That means at some point we will have to sign papers allowing doctors to cut open our daughter’s chest, reach inside of her and hook her to a machine that will act as her heart while they work on hers. That means her heart will have to stop beating in order for them to do their job. And there is no way around it.

With the help of a great community online, I have made many friends that have been through what I have. But not everyone's stories turn out like ours. Ryder and Liam are only two of the thousand that have lost their fight. Both at a very young age. Here is something you may not have known. In the United States, nearly twice as many kids die from congestive heart defects then all forms of childhood cancers…. Combined. It also affects 1 out of 100 children.

Ali is 1 out of 100, but she is also 1 out of 2000. As stated above Ali was also born with a genetic disordered called Mosaic Turner’s Syndrome. Now this story may not be as bad as her heart defect, but I can guarantee it will make you just as mad.

This story actually goes back to when Ali was in the hospital fighting for her life. As part as the hospitals procedure, Ali was tested genetically. But we never received any results. Which I chalked up to as a good thing. I mean who wouldn't? We had just brought our daughter home. Lab results were the farthest thing from my mind.

But as Ali continued to grow more medical issues came about. But nothing that screamed at me. She was considered non verbal, she showed signs of autism that turned out to be sensory processing disorder, and she suffered from constant ear infections. It was only after talking with other mother’s online did I begin to question if we should have her tested. Of course I forgot about the one done when she was an infant. So I asked her doctor if they could run one, and of course they agreed. The geneticists ended up setting up a bunch of tests for Ali. And after she got some of them back, she went to work looking through Ali’s medical file. And on the very bottom of her cardiologist notes she found test results dated for November of 2011. And those test results showed that Ali tested for Mosaic Turner’s. That's right, that second children’s hospital knew about the Turner’s but never told any of her doctors.

As you can imagine, we were beyond pissed off. I called Dr. L and he was out of the office, when I called Dr. W she was calling me back within 10 minutes and she talked with me for a good hour about everything Turner’s meant. And bright an early the next morning Dr. L was calling me apologizing for not seeing that report. But it wasn't his fault and I don't blame him. It wasn't like they actually told him. They just sent it over to him along with all of their notes.

See I told you this story wasn't as gut wrenching as the heart defect. But that doesn't mean it isn't gut wrenching. Ali is 2%.

That is the survival rate of girls born with Turner’s Syndrome. The other 98% don't make it to birth. What is even more heartbreaking is doctors actually tell mothers that the survival rate is so low they should just terminate their pregnancies.

If you look back at Ali’s story you can see that the deck was stacked against her from the beginning. And she came out on top both times. And even though she has been through hell, she never lets it show. As a friend says, Ali is a free spirit and you can’t help but love her. She is very empathetic and she cares about others. She dances to the beat of her own drum and she could care less if you follow. And she is the reason why February is so damn important to me.

[twentyandsomechange]

Worry Bout Ya Self

Let’s talk about judgement for a second. This is something that SO many people say they do not take part in and claim to be nonjudgmental of others, but as we all know, that is not always the case. They probably really do THINK they are and maybe they are nonjudgmental about some, or most things, but not everything. Or they just openly judge other people because they have a holier-than-thou complex and have the nerve to say things like “I would never” or “how could they.” I truly believe that unless you have lived in someone’s shoes and know all the things they have gone through you have absolutely no right to judge their actions. Of course I am not talking about things like unjustified murder, molestation, or anything of that sort. My experiences have forced me to realize that most everyone has a reason for everything and that humans are only capable of understanding things at their own level of perception.

This is not to say that we have to be intelligent to understand one another, but we do need to be UNDERSTANDING. Do NOT judge what you cannot understand. If you have never been through a tragedy or had something terrible happen to you, you have absolutely no right to an opinion about someone who is just doing their best to survive after having their soul wrecked. I cannot tell you how many people thought they had the right to speak on my actions or life choices after I had gone through something that most everyone will never even experience anything remotely close to in their entire lives. It was infuriating. And it made things much worse in fact. Here I was, just minding my own damn business. Trying to hold myself together every single day and telling myself to just go through the motions of my “normal” life until I could get to a point where I didn't constantly think about what happened, and there were actually people who felt they had the right to talk about the things I was doing to cope. No, some of the choices I made were not healthy or right, but I was literally just trying to survive when my mind and body had already given up on my soul. I was smack dab in the middle of America’s largest mass shooting for Christ’s sake. I missed tons of work afterwards because there were many days that I could not convince myself to leave my house. There were too many things outside that would remind me of the awful things I witnessed that night. Of course people just assumed I was lazy or lying about being ill because I was off playing hooky doing something fun. I really was sick though. Sick of being alive and pretending to be okay. I stopped communicating with people that I knew loved me because every time one of them would make me smile or feel grateful it would immediately be followed by immense guilt. The guilt was the strongest feeling I can remember ever feeling in my life. Other than the fear I felt when bullets were raining down around us. I was convinced I was being called home to my maker and just praying my mom would know that I loved her. How on earth did I deserve to be happy and alive when there were so many others that were much more deserving than me that had not been so lucky? The mother of three, the police officer that saved people’s lives, the veteran that fought for years for his country.. all these people made much more important contributions to this world than I probably ever will. And all of these things crossed my mind almost every second of every day. Have you ever felt guilty about doing something wrong like cheating on a test or lying to your parents? Multiply that feeling by 10,000 and even that is probably not an accurate description of the amount of guilt I felt every single day just for being alive. Survivors guilt is absolutely a real thing. It is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not. And the PTSD, that I still deal with to this day, was no walk in the park either. You know that feeling of falling when you’re about to drift off into sleep, but then something jolts you awake and you feel like you might have a heart attack? That is what my body did to me every 30 minutes to an hour every single night. As soon as my mind and body would begin to relax it would suddenly realize that no, we could not relax just yet. We are actually still in panic mode because someone is trying to kill us and we think we are going to die at any second. I must be awake and alert at all times to survive. I did not call anyone or tell anyone every time this happened. The next day when I looked like a sickly teenage boy I did not give a single fuck if my resting bitch face or greasy hair offended someone because there is no way in Hell that anyone would understand the level of exhausted I was on. No, I did not shower this morning and no, make up did not cross my mind when I was debating on even attempting to survive another day of agony. So please, talk shit about the way I look if that makes you feel better about yourself.

When I finally made it to the point where I could spend time with other humans outside of the safety of my own home, it was to forget about what I couldn’t forget. And in order to be in a crowd or loud place, I had to dull my senses. So, I drank a LOT. I took more of the pills that were supposed to “help” and sometimes I was successful at making myself numb to the demons that haunted everything around me. I was trying to drown the memories that refused to leave my head no matter how much I wanted them to. And for that I was criticized. Not by people that wanted to help me or that genuinely gave a shit about me, but by those who would start rumors about how I was always out without my boyfriend that works nights so according to their expert opinion, I must be stepping out on him. Because a woman can’t go anywhere without dicks just slapping her straight in the face right? And how DARE I visit the people I love that lived out of town without him when I should be home cooking and cleaning and suffocating myself. They didn’t bother to ask me how terrifying it was to be home alone every single single night with my thoughts and the fear that now I know for a fucking fact that anything bad could happen to me at any moment because the worst already HAD happened to me. They didn’t see that I was going out of town alone to see these people because now I feel like any opportunity to spend with someone I care about could be the last. Nope, they only saw what they were capable of understanding.

So here I was, dealing with this outrageous guilt, PTSD, depression, and the roller coaster of emotions the side effects of antidepressants, anti anxiety medication, and sleeping pills doctors were shoving down my throat to “help” had on me, and there were actual other human beings that really thought they could even fathom how I felt and pass judgement on me or any of the things I said or did.

Now, if any of these people read these words, they might be able to understand a fraction of what I was going through and would not have felt the need to open their mouth about anything, but the bottom line is:

I should not have to explain myself to people when frankly, it is none of their damn business.

So, if you take anything away from this, keep in mind that you are not equipped to understand what any other person is going through unless you have been through EXACTLY what that person has. So before you harp on a woman that is considering abortion, consider the fact that this woman may not want to be forced to have a child that was conceived via sexual assault. Regardless of your beliefs, you should try to understand her situation before you make the hardest decision of her life even harder. Before you judge a woman that spends her time at a bar instead of at home performing “wifely” duties, understand that this outing might be the alternative to her taking her own life that night and maybe she just needed to blow off some steam. When you start to make fun of someone for gaining weight ask yourself if they are preoccupied with getting through each day without having an emotional breakdown and exercise is just not on their list of priorities at the moment.

If you are someone that has never had to deal with something traumatic, consider yourself extremely lucky, but also make the conscious decision not to be a dick and pretend like you have any idea what the rest of us are going through.

And most importantly

Mind your own damn business.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #142

“and how can i blame you when it’s me i can’t forgive?”

What was the longest time you’ve liked someone?  Like... five years. Do you have make-up on?  No. Have you kissed anybody in the last 4 days?  My kitty. When you are out with your friends, are you loud and outgoing or shy?  With Colleen, like the only friend I hang out with, I'm definitely more outgoing. Would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you?  I couldn't care less about your height. Ever spent the night in a tent?  My sisters and I used to do that with Dad a lot.  We'd "camp" out in the yard. Have you ever cried while reading a book?  Yes. Do you have anyone who is a surrogate parent/sibling to you?  No. Can you snap your fingers?  Yeah. Can you wink?  Only with my right eye. Have you played mini golf recently?  Nooo.  The last time I did that was on a date with Jason for I think our... two years?  So in other words, a long time ago. Who were the last three people you texted?  Sara, Mom, and Colleen. Cereal or bagels?  Bagels. Have you ever seen a stand up comedian?  No, but I'd love to. Corn on the cob or canned corn?  Canned I guess, the fact on the cob is very difficult to eat with my lip ring being a factor. Who’re your top five favorite singers?  Uhhh Brendon Urie and Patrick Stump are easily the top, but besides them, uhhhh... I love David Coverdale's voice, as well as Sebastian Bach's.  And then of course Ozzy's voice is the most unique I know, and I love his vocal range. What was the last amusement park you went to?  I couldn't tell you. Where did you last go swimming at?  Atlantic Ocean. Who was there?  Colleen and Bradley. When was the last time you changed in front of people?  Uhhh probably some time ago when Mom was present, I guess? What day were you born?  Apparently on a Monday. Is cheerleading considered a sport?  I think it is.  It takes effort to do. Do you have/had a treehouse?  No. What about a swing set?  Yes. Would you rather be buried or cremated when you die?  Cremated, please. Have you been hit by a car?  Whoa no. Have you ever seen someone die?  Animals. Do you have the right time set on your microwave?  Yeah. Do you like Tootsie Rolls?  Ew no. Do you or have you ever smoked cigarettes?  No. Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool?  No. Have you ever worn someone’s else’s boyfriend’s hoodie?  Not to my knowledge. Do you know how to play any card games, well?  No. Have you ever played any form of Zelda?  Tyler got me to try I think uhhhhh Ocarina of Time one time he was over, but I wasn't really into it. What’s your full heritage?  German, Irish, and Polish is what we're aware of. What shampoo do you use?  Suave. What’s your favorite t-shirt have on it?  That would probably be my Otep shirt since I like how it fits me.  It has a maroon Ouroboros on it with the band name. Did you like some certain bands before they got famous?  Yeah. How important do you consider your pets, if you have any?  They're the only children I ever want. When’s the last time someone of the opposite sex told you they miss you?  Sam, a month or two back. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic?  I'm definitely a realist.  I couldn't tell you which of those I lean more towards. Are you comfortable with your weight?  NOPE.  But I'm making an effort to get to the weight I want. How often do you listen to classic rock?  Frequently.  I'll get in the mood to binge classic rock and metal on my iPod. What about country?  Pretty much anytime I'm with Colleen. Is anyone in your family sick?  No. Whose house did you visit last?  Colleen's. Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged? We're both female, so.  Even I could, no.  She's just my friend. Have you ever kissed in the rain?  Yeah. Do you have any friends you have never gotten into an argument with?  Yup, Connie. Have you ever helped someone while they were drunk puking?  No. Do you prefer glazed or powdered donuts?  Glazed. Who did you last spoon with?  Sara. If you wear tampons, do you prefer cardboard or plastic applicators?  There's cardboard?????  Guess it's obvious which I use, that being said. Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances?  If my life was threatened, I probably would.  I'm sorry, I'm not giving up my life for a child that would have to be the result of rape.  If I got pregnant having sex with my own consent (and my life wasn't endangered), I feel I'd likely go through it.  Then it's my own fault. When was the last time you felt turned on?  About a week ago when I was talking to Sara, only semi-joking that I had reason to believe she had a kinky side. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A boxer mix. Do you ever put fruit on your cereal?  No, it's gross imo. Were your grandparents present when you were born? Very doubtful.  They didn't live in NC. Have you ever played the game Angry Birds?  No. What is something unusual that annoys you?  I get way more annoyed than called for when people go in or out the wrong door. Name three things apart from trust and loyalty that you need in a relationship.  No desire for children because that would obviously cause an issue, good core values and beliefs, patience with my mental issues. Would you be upset if you had a child who decided to make “adult films?”  Um I'd be fucking furious. Do you prefer to be the big spoon or little spoon?  Little spoon with a guy, but I'm for either with a girl.  With Sara I've always been the big, probs because she's such a tiny thing. Do you prefer to be tied up or do the tying? (bondage) Ummm I'd probably like being the one tied up. If you just met someone and found out they were a psychopath, if you knew they would never harm you, would you like to be their friend?  No.  No.  And no. What do you think makes you the most different compared to everyone else your age?  The sheer level of my anxiety.  It's kept me from a job, from driving.  It affects so many parts of me. What personality characteristic gets you in trouble the most?  Just how sensitive I am. What personality characteristic gets you the most friends?  Probably how open-minded and tolerant I am. If you are in a relationship (or in your last relationship), how many times have you considered leaving?  I've never considered it. Of all of your friends' significant others, who do you get along with best? And least? I legit have one friend here who's in a relationship, and that's Colleen.  Her husband's great. If marriage is something that you see in your future, is there anything non-traditional about your ideas (for example, a non-diamond ring, no proposal, eloping, etc.)?  Uh I guess the fact I doubt I'll wear white, nor will I marry in a church? What would your life be like if you had married your first love?  Jc I don't even wanna picture that.  I'd be with a dick who didn't have faith in my abilities. Have you ever been told off for the way you were dressed (by a parent, teacher, spouse, etc.)?  No, not "told off."  People have voiced their disapproval of some choices, but no one's ever gone that far. If you have siblings, are you closer now or were you closer as children? As children.  Well, maybe I'm closer to Ashley now. Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with?  That was the story of Girt and me. Is there anything about a person's sexual past that might stop you from wanting to date them?  Yup. What was the biggest mistake of your life? Did you rectify it or just move on?  Letting Jason become my entire universe.  I corrected it. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret?  Ummmm no, I guess. Ever been close to dying?  Umm I'm actually not sure... I don't know what would've happened if I didn't go to the ER after I overdosed.  Don't know what would've happened without drowning me in fluids. Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it?  I have a permit, and I hate driving.  It's terrifying.  I don't trust people.  I mean I've been told by Mom I usually drive fine, save for the fact my speed goes up and down by about 5 mph, and I canNOT park around others and have very little perception of how far away the hood of the car is from what is in front of it. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret?  Yeah. Would you rather eat cookies or brownies?  Soft cookies. Have you and a friend ever gone after the same person?  Not to my knowledge. What is your cell phone wallpaper of?  My lock screen and home screen are different pics of Sara and me. Has the electricity ever gone out when you were at school?  Yes. Do you lead people on? Noooo. Do you want someone dead?  Not anyone I know specifically, but like.  Rapists, pedophiles, and the like, I do. Have you ever been told that you were going to Hell?  She pretty much did. What was the last movie you watched?  I fucking FINALLY watched Johnny Got His Gun. What’s the latest you have ever stayed out?  Good question.

[easilyabandonedgirl]

You weren't ready to talk about it, but this is all you'll ever get.

Here's my truth.

I would say in fairly confident I got pregnant on the birthday. It could have been the next 2 days after, but I'm sure it was the night of my birthday.

Yes, I was on birth control pills. I took them every day, on time, like clock work. No, I did not miss a pill or take one late. But there is apparently something about you and I that makes the universe not care if I'm on birth control. Even though we did go almost a whole year without getting pregnant between Persephone and Lillith. April 2018 to March 2019.

Lillith was the reason I had an IUD put in. After receiving a less than enthusiastic reaction from you at the very thought of a baby, I told myself that if this pregnancy didn't last, I would go to a more permanent form of birth control. You made it very clear that giving me a baby was no longer something you were willing to do and I understood that the best I could. My Dr still didnt want to tie or seal my tubes, and I'm kind of thankful for that. So we agreed on a very long term IUD. So now I have a paraguard IUD in and I've had it since April 23, 2019. I can have it removed at any time if babies are in the plans, but I have to have it removed no later than April 20, 2029.

Anyway, when I started dropping hints that I was dreaming about babies and other people were dreaming about me having babies (which is 100% true), I didnt know I was pregnant. So the first couple of days when I said that I wasnt pregnant, I didnt know I was then. I found out a couple days later. I know I pushed a little too hard on the subject and thats what drove you away. But I wanted to know that you would be there for me, at least emotionally. And when you stopped replying to texts or answering calls or calling me back, I panicked. Wholeheartedly freaked me out. When I said that you mean more to me than anyone, even a baby, I meant that.

A couple weeks went by and things were pretty much back to normal with us. I was still holding on to this tremendous secret and I honestly, didnt know what I was going to do. I knew I had time to think about it still, but I didnt want you to freak out and reject me and our baby if I told you the truth. Not that I thought that was what you would do, but I was scared to even risk it. I wasnt willing to take the chance of finding out how you would react at the time. I was terrified of everything.

So I woke up the morning of a March 27th and told myself that I was going to tell you, to your face and accept whatever happened after that. You had already told me the night before you were going to come see me that day after work. I was so ready to butter you up with kisses and blowjobs and pizza and backrubs and shower time and just being the most overly affectionate human being ever. Do you remember what happened the day of the 27th?

You called me when you got out of work to tell me your were leaving. You cancelled coming over to see me, you hung up the phone on me and refused to do anything but text me. I didnt know what to do. I finally built the nerve to sit you down, face to face, and tell you the truth, accepting whatever reaction you were going to have as my fate. Then you cancelled our night together and I took it as a sign from the universe to keep my mouth shut. So I did. I kept silent.

A few days go by and I'm about a month pregnant when I start getting so fucking nauseous that I cant do anything without throwing up. I tried to hide the pain in my body with other things, I blamed being sick on anxiety (though my anxiety was outrageous, it was only 10% of why I was throwing up all day.) I couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt shower without puking my brains out. It was horrible and I'm certain my anxiety made it worse. I tried hard not to think about you leaving or about keeping this secret from you.

There were moments, so many moments, I caught my subconscious mind sending you signals. We would be laid down and my hand would put your hand on my belly without me even thinking about it. I was asking for belly rubs and back rubs and asking you to rub my feet because everything hurt so bad. There were a few moments I thought you knew or that you were wondering. One of them was the first time we had sex after I hit 4 weeks and my body starting becoming overly sensitive. I didnt notice it the first time, but as I had 8, 9, 10, 11 screaming orgasms, I thought to "Holy shit. He's going to know if I keep this up. Hes going to ask."

The next 5 or 6 times we had sex, I tried so hard to keep quiet. To keep my screaming to every 3rd orgasm. We have great sex and it's not unusual for you to make me cum 2 or 3 times. So I told myself if I only scream every 3rd or 4th time, you wouldnt become suspicious. So that's what I did.

The last week we were together, before you left, we had two rounds back to back where it was just unreal. In total I remember something like 18 or 19 orgasms. I laid beside you and you looked at me and I remember it just being such a different look on your face. I was like, "fucking fuck I'm fucking busted as fuck. Hes fucking going to fucking ask. Fuck it. If he asks, tell him the truth." But you never asked. You just closed your eyes and even when I asked, "are you thinking about something?" You said, "just about how tired I am." And I subconsciously placed your hand on my belly and we took a nap.

Now you're probably going to hate me in a thousand different ways for this, but it's the truth. When you didnt come over the Tuesday before you were leaving, I told myself I needed to make a choice. Your stuff was packed. You were leaving and there was nothing I could say or do to stop you. I wanted our baby but I wanted you more and I thought if I kept her, you would exile me. So I called and set an appointment to have an abortion. It was one of the most horrific feelings I've ever had during a phone call. My appointment was set for April 23rd at 8am. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. So I started drinking, heavy and fast. I wanted to numb myself. The one thing I said I was never going to do again in my whole life, I now had to do. It was emotionally tormenting to say the least. I had convinced myself that no matter what I did, you were going to hate me regardless.

So I drank. And for 3 days it was all I did. It makes me a horrible person and makes me sick to stomach just thinking about it. I hate every inch of who I am because of it. I deserve to burn in hell fire for all eternity for what I did. Theres no excuse for it and you're welcome to judge and hate me, but you should know it will never surmount how much I judge and hate myself for what I did. The drinking started causing complications. That's why I was suddenly in enormous amounts of excruciating pain. My uterus started contracting and I knew I was going to miscarry. I could feel it happening all over again. The same exact lain I have become so accustom to.

I begged to Gods to keep me together until you left. Just two more days. They were kind enough to give me that. I didnt want there to be any conflict between us with you so close to leaving to the other side of the country. So close to your birthday. So I kept my mouth shut and tried to keep things as normal between us as I could. I wasnt going to be the reason to made any big life decisions. I wasnt important enough for that, nothing about me was that important.

The morning of you leaving came. When I first got our of my car at Mugu Rock, I saw your face and I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you everything. All of it. Beg you on my knees and plead with the Gods to make you stay. Right there in the gravel, in front of anyone and everyone. I didnt care about anything but not losing you. We sat on the rocks at the beach and stared off into the deep waters, across the horizon. While you were taking mental pictures of everything around you but me, I couldn't focus on anything but you. Memorizing the way your hands felt against mine. I fought hard to memorize every inch of your handsome face, every inch of your body, to count the gold flakes in your eyes and the green speckles. One by one.

You squeezed my hand and it made me want to tell you everything. I was just going to blurt it out and let it be what it was, whatever that was suppose to be. But I turned my head and saw a tear fall down your face. I heard you sniffle and I could feel all your pain and the heartbreak you had. There was no way in hell I was going to add to that. I knew in that moment that I had to keep my secret. I couldnt bare to watch the strongest man I know break down and dare to be the little cunt who adds salt to your already open wounds. I couldnt do it, there was no sound coming from my mouth when I opened it. I wiped the tears from your face and suddenly had no urge to say a word.

I lost Lillith on April 18. I never made it to the clinic. I already hate myself and know it was my fault. 100% my fault. I was drinking for a few days. I wasnt eating, wasnt sleeping, no water. Nothing. I laid in bed after you left and pretty much wished to die every single day for weeks. I laid in bed, that was it. I distinctly recall there being two days I didnt even get up to pee. I let my body suffer because I genuinely wanted to rot into a corpse. I had pain in every inch of everything. When I lost her, I didnt go to the ER, I didnt see my Dr. I just laid there hoping it would kill me. I saw my Dr on April 23rd. He confirmed my miscarriage and told me I looked like shit. He was right.

He did blood work, ran tests. The typical stuff. That's when we found our my kindneys were so dehydrated that they were failing. That's why my apartment fell into such disarray. I was really hoping the whole thing would just kill me. And I kept up my facade with you every day. Keeping to conversation turned on you, and how you were doing so I could avoid talking about me.

I didnt want to tell you I lost her. I told myself there was no point because what was done, was done. There was nothing I could say to you or do to bring her back. So there was no reason in my mind, at the time, to tell you.

And that's the whole truth. Start to finish.

I'm positive you're going to hate me, think I'm vile and foul. You're right. 100% accurate. And I know my sorry wont count at all after everything I did. But I am wholeheartedly sorry. I know I handled everything wrong. All of it. I know in my heart you would have never hated me or left me for dead back then. But I was so scared. I let my anxiety and fear run the show and it cost me everything.

[defiantkingsnqueens-blog]

Lose Control

Summary: On the Eve of his parents death, Nate goes onto a bender and finally reveals to Dahlia just who he was.

Nate:

Nate always was in a mood on this day, for some reason all these years later it never got easier. He just now simply went on a two day bender of sex, and booze. His parents wouldn’t be proud of him, a crowned prince in a lowly bar, getting into a fight over some broad that was taken. Jimmy had tried to drag him home after the small brawl, and despite the cut above his eye Nate refused to go home. Cash had tried to drag him away but he had even hit his best friend. He didn’t want to separate from the bottle in his hand. “Oh look they sent in the Calvary.” She was the last person he wanted to see as well, maybe he was drinking her away as well. He didn’t really care. Nate simply lifted the liquor to his lips. He had a hundred sitting in front of him, it wasn’t a bill that many people saw anymore. But it covered his tab for the last two days.

Dahlia:

Dahlia was still pregnant, the appointment was harder to come by than they had thought, and well…a part of her was starting to get scared of going through with it, not that she would tell Cash. He was so set on the abortion…so she tried to be as well. She didn’t want to start problems with him again. She had been staying inside for the most part, so when Cash told her she had to go to the bar to try to get Nate home, she was shocked that he wanted her to go, but realized that it must have been the last resort. So she went with him and walked in, knowing he was right outside, should things get too much for them. “He’s worried about you,” She said, sitting down next to him, ordering a water. “Said you won’t let anyone look at that cut, won’t come home. You need to come home, Nate. We want you home,” she said, looking down, she noticed the bill, her eyes widening. “Where the hell did you get that?” She asked.

Nate:

Nate was just feeling sorry for himself. He missed his parents, he missed a whole lot of things, and thus it meant for some excessive drinking. He didn’t even stop when she came in and sat with him. He knew Cash was probably right around the corner. “So? Now he’s worried about me huh? Well guess what I don’t give a shit.” Nate really didn’t in the moment, he just wanted to drink until his liver gave out really. He ran a hand through his usually well kept blonde hair. “It’s fine it’s a cut, you should see the other guy.” Nate didn’t really seem to be feeling any pain at least until tomorrow morning that is. “I don’t care, I am not going home. I am going to sit here and drink until my money’s out.” He told her as he then asked where he got the money. “A man I used to know, used to be a head guard for my parents. He feels guilty that he bloody well sucked at guarding them, so he gets me some of the money I can’t touch each year around this time to help me cope.” A hundred wasn’t much, but Nate had no claim to all the money he had and it wasn’t like the King was missing it. “So you could say I got it from the King.”

Dahlia:

Dahlia was not used to Nate acting this way. It was just…absolutely crazy. When Cash told her that he was holed up in the bar, refusing to leave, she had believed that Cash was just exaggerating, but now that she saw him, and saw how messy he looked, she knew that he wasn’t. And she had to frown, she couldn’t believe seeing him like this, even though she was seeing him like this. “What? He’s always worried about you,” she rolled her eyes at him. “You can’t really think that he’s not worried about you, Nate,” she said with a big frown. “You should have checked it, but still. That’s not good to leave it like that,” she said, shaking her head. She watched him for a moment. “That’s real smart, Nate,” she said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. She watched him, feeling confused. What was going on? “Head guard? Parents? What the hell are you talking about, Nate?” She asked, frowning. 

Nate:

Nate had never let Dahlia see this side of him, Cash usually was able to get him before he had gotten too bad but everything in this last year Nate had flown over the deep end. “Yeah he so worries, he really gives a shit about me.” When he went and got the girl he had always had a crush on pregnant, Nate really called that caring. Nate was just sick of the pair of them at the moment. Reaching up he touched the cut not even feeling it. “Feels fine little blood.” It was more than a little but he didn’t care. “What, he’s blood, being my uncle an all, he can spare a little for his bastard nephew.” Nate told her bitterly, hating the man that took his parents with a passion. “Nathaniel, Nathaniel Edgar Wilder, ex-Prince of England, fifth in line for the throne, well now not in line for anything.”

Dahlia:

It was a shocking sight, seeing Nate like this, but she was pushing those feelings down and trying her best to just…ignore how this made her feel, but also to try and make him realize that he was being ridiculous. “What? Of course he cares about you,” She said, shaking her head. She frowned and ran her hand through her hair and took a few deep breaths. “Why don’t you just snap out of whatever it is that you’re going through,” She said, frowning. She looked at him and felt confused. “Yeah, okay, it’s more than a little blood,” she said, shaking her head. Her eyes widened as she looked at him, suddenly realizing what he was saying. “Your…your parents? The throne?” She just stared at him for a few moments. “You…why didn’t you tell me?” She asked. “Why…didn’t I know this?”

Nate:

“Dahlia do you know what day it is? Its the day my parents died. So I am sorry if I don’t just snap out of it, you know watching your father gasp for a breath as a small child is very fucked up thing to watch, or having your parents publically executed.” Nate put down the now empty bottle as he attempted to push up from the bar, his legs were a bit wobbly. “Because I haven’t been that guy in so long, I am no longer the prince. I just wanted to be Nate, but look where that got me. My best friend betrays me, and the girl I have always cared about is with him. So you know what excuse me as I find some place far away from you two to continue to drink until I either pass out or just die fittingly on some cobble stone street, no one’s going to miss me.” He whispered before he attempted to take a step but he was wobbling greatly as he more or less stumbled his way to the door. 

Dahlia:

She froze when he said that it was the day his parents died. “I’m sorry, Nate,” She said, softly. She bit her lip and looked at him. “I understand that it’s not something you can just get over. I didn’t know today was the day, you never told me,” she said, frowning. “But we’re all here for you…please, let us be with you today…let us help you,” she said. Dahlia watched as he stood up, seeing how drunk he was, she frowned and closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths. She figured that he was drunk, and just…ignored what he said about her. She just shook her head and walked with him towards the street. “I’m coming with you,” she said, grabbing his hand. “We will miss you! I will miss you. God, Nate. You don’t have to do this. We will miss you.”

Nate:

Nate just shook his head. “Because I didn’t want you to look at me like that.” Cash was a bastard, Nate knew that much. He was playing on his feelings for Dahlia to be the reason to bring him home. “There’s nothing to help Dahlia, their gone and I am just going to finish this bender off like all of the rest.” He told her, he’d wake up in some alley, Cash would pick him up if he was still alive, chastise him for staying out in the open and drinking so much and than put him to bed to sleep it off. “No you are not.” He said firmly pulling his hand away, as he pushed open the door. “Just let me do what I want for once for fuck sakes! First it was be a prince, the countries eyes were on you, than that was taken from me, than it’s everything from Cash, all these orders.” Stealing the girl he liked, Nate was belidgerent and the words he’d never say were spilling out. “Than miss me.” He walked out the door but Cash was there to stop his fall. “Fucking get off me! I don’t fucking need you.” Nate shouted brokenly at Cash as he pushed the boy away, but Cash held strong and when Nate swung out of instinct Cash swung back hitting him square in the nose. Apologizing Nate just shook his head as he stumbled away, not wanting anyone to take care of him but wanting them too at the same time. He didn’t get far to a building than slumped against it. He had tears running down his face as he just tried to wipe them and the blood away.

Dahlia:

“You didn’t need to do this, Nate! I lost my parents too, remember? I know what it feels like to be left alone and your whole family gone. I get it! You could have talked to me,” she frowned, shaking her head. “You could have come to me, told me. I would have helped you through this!” What Dahlia didn’t realize was that she was more motherly than she gave herself credit for, and always had been. But she still didn’t see it because that was not on her mind today. Instead she was focused on making Nate better, and she had no idea how to even do that. “You can go out, but you’re not going on your own. Something might happen,” she finally said. She didn’t want to see him getting caught by the kings guards, or worse. That was the last thing that she wanted to see happen. So she followed. But when she got outside, she watched as Cash and Nate were suddenly fighting, and she yelled at them. “Stop!” She shouted, glaring at Cash. “What the hell was that?” She demanded to him before she went after Nate. It took her some time but she finally found him and just slid down to the ground next to him, not saying anything. She was going to stay, she needed to show him that he was wrong, that someone was there for him. That he was being ridiculous. 

Nate:

“But I lost everything! You still have something! You still have Cash, and the baby, and I have nothing. No one to fight for anymore, no one to give me any drive. I am just so tired of fighting.” He admitted as he shook his head. “I didn’t want you to know, Kind of how we tell each other everything huh? like how you were pregnant but didn’t want me to know? Same thing.” He threw back in her face as he shook his head. “let it happen, I don’t give a damn anymore, let the fucking Kings Guards come find me, let them bring me to that filthy excuse of a King. Let him behead me or whatever he wants I don’t care anymore.” Nate was at rock bottom, this is who he was without any hope, or desire left. Nate looked up when she sat next to him.”I got lost. I don’t know which way is right or left.” He admitted finally caving to going home, as he laid his head on her shoulder.

Dahlia:

“You have me, Nate! And Cash, and Mason and Jimmy and Thomas and everyone! We all love you, damn it. And i don’t have the baby, i’m having an abortion, okay?” She exclaimed. It was something she hadn’t said out loud to anyone other than Cash. Because nobody knew about the baby other than Cash and Nate. They were the only two that she had planned on ever telling anyways. She winced when he threw it in her face. “Yeah it’s not the same thing, but fine, i’ll forget you said that,” she said. Dahlia just stared at him. She wasn’t used to this from him, from anyone. Most people wouldn’t give in to the King. “I’m not allowing that to happen, Nate.” When she finally found him, she took his hand in hers and just gently soothed him. “It’s okay,” she said softly. “I’ll get you home. But let’s just…sit here for a minute. I need to clean you up before we go back home.”

Nate:

Nate just shook his head, he didn’t know what to say. “Okay.” It was meek but it was all he could muster, he had a feeling Cash was behind it. God he was such a better man than his friend, but of course girls liked the bad guys. Nate just shook his head. “Why not my uncle can just wipe out his entire family, he can take me too.” Nate said softly, as he then felt her take his hand, he frowned any other time he would have loved her touch but right now it felt as empty as he did, even if she was calming him down. “Fine.” Nate said allowing someone to finally look at the cut above his eye and now his bloody nose as well.

Dahlia:

Dahlia looked at him when he finally seemed to be calming down. She couldn’t believe that she had told him about the abortion, but he was going to get confused when there was no baby and she wasn’t pregnant anymore…so she knew that it was necessary. She ran her hand through her hair and shook her head. “It’s not happening, Nate. I won’t let it happen,” she said. She was glad when he finally allowed her to clean him up. She took her time cleaning up his cut above his eye and made sure his nose wasn’t broken. “I think that you’re going to live,” She announced. “If the alcohol doesn’t poison you that is,” she shot him a look.

Nate:

Nate just hummed out at her words. He looked at her when she cleaned him up. “I think you are making a mistake.” He whispered, he could always blame his words on the alcohol. “I still think you’d be a brilliant mom. You can take care of a big baby like me.” He tried joking, but he nodded his head when she said he’d live. “Yeah, I am starting to not feel so hot after all of that whiskey and beer.” At those words Cash came over and slid his arm under Nates as he helped his friend to his feet. “Come on little brother lets get you home.” He said as he shouldered most of Nates weight not wanting to have Dahlia to do it. Nate struggled a bit against Cash not wanting the man there, but eventually he realized that at the moment Cash was stronger and just gave into the male.

Dahlia:

Dahlia looked at him when he said that she was making a mistake. “About?” She asked, looking slightly confused. But then when he continued speaking, she froze for a moment. “Oh. I just…it’s not…right to bring a child into this world, Nate. You know that…” She trailed off, because there was something about what he said that was making her think…maybe…she could do it. Maybe…she should have the baby. But Cash…he would flip. She knew he would. “I didn’t think you would feel very good after all of that,” she said, shaking her head. When Cash came over, she watched as he hauled Nate up and she got to her feet. “Don’t fight,” Dahlia said, taking his hand in hers and rubbing it gently. “We just want to get you into your bed,” she said. “I can’t get you there alone. You’re a bit heavy,” she teased, looking at Cash and then looking away.

Nate:

“It’s never right. There can always be an excuse, don’t let Phillip take any more from you if you don’t want too.” He said softly, he felt guilty that the mess people were in was related to him. It’s why he never told anyone they would all start to hate him. “I may have had a wee bit too much.” A bit too much would have been the third pint in, and the first bottle of whiskey, he was way past that point. “Come on little brother.” Cash told the boy a bit rubbing his back. Nate looked at Cash as he whispered to him. “You are a bastard.” Cash just smirked. “It worked no?” He shook his head but dragged Nate home and dumped him on his bed, Nate’s eyes were falling heavy though. “Oh no you don’t stay awake, you’ve drank way too much to fall asleep just yet.” He turned to Dahlia. “Keep him awake for a few minutes longer I am going to go make him something hopefully get some of that alcohol up and out of him.” Cash told her as he touched her shoulder than went to the kitchen to mix up something to make Nate feel a bit better.

Dahlia:

Dahlia watched him–she was still worried, but since he had gotten rid of most of the alcohol in his stomach, she knew that it was probably okay for him to sleep now. “I won’t look at you differently,” she promised. “You’re still the same Nate i’ve always known. This doesn’t change you,” she promised. She watched him as he fell silent, not saying anything either, she was just happy to lay there in peace with him. “Sure,” she said, moving so she was laying down with him. She kissed his cheek. “Sleep now. It’ll be better tomorrow.”

Nate:

“I hope it doesn’t. I don’t want to be different anymore.” He said softly, as they just sat there together for a while before she laid down in bed with him. Smiling at the kiss he moved over a bit and rested his head on her shoulder. “I love you Dahlia, always will.” He knew she’d think it was friendly and that was okay with him for now. “Thanks for taking care of me.” He said sleepily before he fell asleep against her shoulder.