#this is aimed at Christians too who try and force non-Christians to see things through their perspective btw

[lemonduckisnowawake]

Me, today: I will not get angry about people slandering Jesus. I will not lose my temper seeing yet another post throwing His character in the garbage as some politically woke or politically conservative people pleaser. I will not stab my hand with a fork when I see people poking fun at his friendships as homoerotic - *sees a post like that and slowly steps out of the internet*

No seriously. I am shaking the screen and BEGGING people to remember that even though Western Christian traditionalism has deep, *deep* wrongs, There Are Literal People Dying And Being Tortured Because Of Their Faith In Christ In The Modern World. And the way I see people making light of faith and outright mocking it or "dumbing it down" to appeal to their own moral worldview is sometimes kind of painful

[theparanormalperiodical]

What The Hell Is Satanism? The Backstory, The Beliefs, And The A-To-Z On Devil Worshippers

4 days ago, Nike decided to sue a small indie art collective based in New York.

This isn’t news. This isn’t the first time a profit-mongering fashion-giant has targeted businesses trying to make a name for themselves. And it won’t be the last.

But this time, there’s probably something else influencing the executives reclining on their plush leather seats: they said it was because MSCHF stamped on the Nike Swoosh. But we all know what the real problem was:

These kicks were soaked with Satanic imagery - oh, and a single drop of human blood.

"MSCHF and its unauthorised Satan Shoes are likely to cause confusion and dilution and create an erroneous association between MSCHF's products and Nike”

Translation: no, we don’t want to be associated with devil worshippers.

Satan and his followers have once again hit the press following Lil Nas X’s latest viral YouTube hit and release of his custom footwear. And he does the belief system - and the LGBTQA+ community - justice.

But Satanism goes much deeper than pole dancing your way to hell.

It goes deeper than the fears of your evangelical aunt, it goes deeper than the rumours of a sacrificial ritual that happened in the woods outside of town, and it goes deeper than QAnon conspiracy theories.

Today we explore what Satanism really is. And what it really isn’t.

*twerks towards hell*

What Is Satanism?

Satanism is a group of modern religions that are centred around Satan, an entity in Abrahamic religions (e.g. Christianity and Judaism) that rebelled against God, has power over Hell and demons, and seduces humans into sin. Satan features in a vast number of major religions: he started off in Zoroastrianism, then making his way to Judaism, Islam, and Christianity. But the modern followers of Satanism are inspired by the Christian fallen angel and ruler of hell.

A large proportion of Satanists follow atheistic Satanism - they don’t necessarily believe in an entity but follow a philosophy that focuses on individualism and satisfying the ego, or rebel specifically against the dominance of Christianity in Western society.

Although Satan is typically considered the embodiment of evil, most strands of Satanism are not. However, there are some groups that fit this mould like the Order of the Nine Angles: they’re neo-Nazis.

The actual worship of Satanism only began just over 50 years ago, in 1966. But the use of the term ‘Satanist’ stretches back centuries further. Calling someone a ‘Satanist’ (or something to that effect) was an insult reserved for those that disagreed with a Christian group’s beliefs.

A Not-very-brief-but-look-I-tried-ok History Of Satanism

Here’s the thing about Satanism: at one point in history, every religious group was deemed Satanist. 

You see, that’s how it all started.

Even the term ‘Satan’ originally meant ‘adversary’. It didn’t necessarily refer to a horned, evil ex-angel once scorned by the Almighty. It meant ‘other’; it was just an insult. It wasn’t created by groups of men draped in blood red robes preparing to slaughter a virgin to their ungodly master - Satanism was actually created by Christians.

The word ‘Satanism’ was first recorded in French and English literature back in the 16th century. Against the backdrop of the Reformation (when the Western Christian Church split off into Protestantism, Catholicism, and other more niche shards) rival religious groups would label each other with such terms frequently in various tracts and texts.

It was not to say that Protestants, for example, were actively worshipping Satan but were instead deviating from what Catholics thought was true Christianity. By ‘incorrectly’ serving God, they were supporting Satan’s claim to ruin the world with sin and evil.

*Disney villain laugh*

In the 19th century it broadened to encompass anyone that lived an immoral lifestyle and was thus serving Satan’s will. But in this same century it evolved yet again.

Yep, it’s time to introduce the actual Satanists: texts began to emerge that mention people that revered and worshipped Satan. It took a long 300 years for Satanists to reclaim their title. But the story doesn’t end here: this is a really important theme that runs like blood through the history of Satanism. Or, rather, the history of religious prejudice and persecution.

Throughout, well, all of human history, we have been swept up unto the belief that there is a dark, evil force lurking within our communities. The most recent example claims Joe Biden and his Democrat friends are Satan-worshipping baby-eating America-hating pedophiles. The fears of a discrete force that can hide at will fits the descriptors of the Judeo-Christian devil. And so, it had been applied to persecuted groups for centuries.

The Witch Trials and the Spanish Inquisition are the most famous examples of this. Satanism evolved in the Medieval era to scapegoat certain groups or to reinforce social norms by emphasising the apparently very real fight between good and evil.

Narratives of the French Revolution at the time were contorted with rumours of revolutionaries being part of a secret Satanic conspiracy. This revolution struck a blow to the power of the Catholic church, and some fingers pointed towards the dark lord of hell himself. Some even believed these revolutionaries had amassed supernatural powers to curse people and shape-shift into various creature ‘n’ critters like cats or fleas!

In the 20th century, another historical shift took place. And this time it (supposedly) happened from within the secret societies themselves: non-fiction authors and tabloids began to recount the allegations of people who once claimed to have been part of Satanic groups before converting to Christianity.

Doreen Irvine claimed she was given the ability to levitate amongst other witchy-powers. But Irvine’s claims sent shockwaves across the pond in the US. Much more horrific allegations were about to take centre stage. In the 1980s this would reach its climax with the Satanic Panic:

Also known as the Satanism Scare, the book Michelle Remembers (1980) detailed the alleged repressed memories of a psychiatrist’s patient which claimed they had been abused as a child for Satanic rituals. In these rituals, babies would be sacrificed and Satan would appear.

Reports of sexual child abuse for these rituals - known as Satanic Ritual Abuse - proliferated until the 1983 case made against the McMartin family. The McMartins owned a preschool in California and were allegedly sexually abusing the children in their care for ritualistic purposes. A lengthy trial ensued and the McMartins were eventually cleared of all charges.

But it was too late.

An evangelical anti-Satanism movement emerged claiming no children would lie about such claims and therefore all accused must be guilty. A conspiracy theory similar to those before emerged claiming SRA was rampant across the US, but it lost momentum by the turn of the 90s. Various investigations by the FBI and British government looked into SRA but found no evidence of Satanism or rituals in any cases of child abuse. Some lone cases of pedophiles did involve rituals, but these were isolated events that never involved Satanist groups.

The 7 Types Of Satanism

Satanism is an umbrella term to describe a vast array of religious groups. There’s a swirling sea of beliefs from the philosophical Satanists that don’t actually believe in Satan to the minority groups that are willing to sacrifice humans in the name of worshipping their god.

However, this ocean does share a common focus on individualism, self-perception, and non-conformity - traditional traits associated with the devil.

There are 3 forms of Satanism: reactive (attempts to invert Christianity and celebrates rebellion), rationalist (atheist and materialistic beliefs), and esoteric (actually worships Satan and draws upon religions like Paganism and western Esotericism).

The Church of Satan kick-started modern Satanism. Erected in 1966, Anton LaVey promoted an atheistic philosophy that focused on indulgence and an ‘eye for an eye’ ethical code that celebrated mankind as animals in an amoral world. Hate and aggression were not wrong but were advantageous for one’s survival. Yes, the seven deadly sins were actually beneficial for the individual.

The First Satanic Church was founded on Halloween night in 1999 by the daughter of Anton LaVey after his church was taken over by a new administration that Karla deemed against her father’s work.

The Satanic Temple is an atheist-activist group that stages political ‘pranks’ that rebel against the political and social dominance of Christianity. They aim to showcase religious hypocrisy in stunts such as performing a ‘Pink Mass’ over the grave of a Westboro Baptist Church goer (known for their explicit and offensive signs). They use Satan as a metaphor to rebel against a society that restricts personal autonomy and curiosity.

Luciferianism is a belief system that pivots around the characteristics associated with Lucifer. Followers believe Lucifer is the illuminated aspect of Satan, thus considering themselves Satanists. But some believe he is a more positive force than Satan. They follow the ancient myths of Egypt, Rome, and western Occultism. They consider him the true god - a destroyer but also a ‘light-bringer’ to the world.

The Temple of Set does not necessarily revere Satan by instead a being they call Set. Satan was the corrupted name of set, an entity that is the one true god. It gave humanity intellectual abilities to separate it from animals and they believe in a Setian philosophy with self-deification as the aim of all humanity.

The Order of the Nine Angles was inspired by ancient Pagan groups resident in Shropshire in the late 60s. But the founder of the group, Anton Long, is considered the pseudonym of neo-Nazi David Myatt. They encourage human sacrifice as a part of rituals and several members have joined the police and the military to do this without getting caught. The ONA is linked to several rapes, murders, cases of child abuse, and right-wing terrorism. They are also connected to several neo-nazi terror organisations.

The Joy Of Satan - contrary to its name - ain’t joyful. It’s an Occultist group that combines Satanism, Paganism, and UFO conspiracy theories. Just like the ONA, they’re Nazis. They believe Satan is one of many demonic deities which are powerful humanoid extraterrestrial beings which are equated with ancient gods. They believe Satan created humanity and brought us knowledge.

Reactivism isn’t a form of Satanism that is followed by an organised group but rather practiced on a personal, isolated level. It is considered an anti-social means of rebelling in a society dominated by Christianity. Most reactive Satanists are adolescents, mentally-disturbed, and have taken part in criminal activity associated with Satanic rituals they discovered through personal learning.

For example, in the 1970s two groups of teenagers in LA and Big Sur killed 3 people and ate parts of their corpses as a part of rituals devoted to Satan. Plotted murder and cannibalism are common traits of reactive Satanist crimes.

The A-To-Z Of Devil Worship

Baphomet

A deity that the Knights Templar allegedly worshipped. It is associated with the Sabbatic Goat which represents the equilibrium of opposites (half-man and half-goat, male and female, good and evil).

Black Mass

It is traditionally known as a requiem mass (funeral mass) in the Roman Catholic church from which the celebrants wear black clothes. However, it has been appropriated by Satanic cults. It often involves a naked woman as an altar and is the site of various Satanic magical rituals.

Cutter vs Wilkinson

A Supreme Court case which claimed federal funds cannot deny prisoners accommodations that are needed to engage in religious practices. Five residents of an Ohio prison including a member of a white supremacist Christian church, a Wiccan, and a Satanist filed the suit, claiming the officials failed to accommodate their ‘nonmainstream’ religions.

Devil

The personification of evil which shows up in many different religions. It is Satan in Abrahamic texts.

Demon

A supernatural entity often associated with evil. The original Greek word - daimon - did not have negative connotations.

Demonology

The study of demons.

Demonolatry

The worship of demons.

Goats

Satanism is always associated with goats. But why? There are several reasons: Baphomet is half-man, half-goat; the ‘infernal goat’ is depicted in many witches’ sabbats; Pagan traditions involved horned gods Christian forces deemed devilish; and the tarot card depicting the devil is a goat. In 1966, the church of Satan adopted baphomet as the sigil.

Lucifer

The name of mythological and religious figures associated with Venus. It is associated in the Christian tradition with Satan as he supposedly fell from heaven. Often called ‘the morning star’ or described as ‘light bringing’.  

Stanislaw Przybyszewski

The first guy to promote a Satanic philosophy.

What do you think?

Let me know in a comment below! And while you’re there, make sure you like and reblog this article.

Want to read an article on the paranormal every Saturday? And a real ghost story everyday/whenever I’m bothered? Hit follow!

[script-a-world]

Submitted via Google Form:

How do I write a world where non-earth religions (I’m creating them) are both diverse, and also common place to see people participate in multiple religions’ festivities or rituals. One, because there’s distance to actual religion and entering common lifestyle. Example like on earth plenty of non Christians are holding Christmas parties, it’s a common thing and not overtly religious. Two, or why not because of the diversity, religions simply mix together. Like on earth why not have fasting like Muslims do simply become a common lifestyle custom alongside Buddhist meditations also being common lifestyle customs. Three. Like two, but why can’t someone on earth be both Muslim and Buddhist?? Does that even make sense?

I only gave you real life religions as example only, for ease of explaining, not at all what I’ll use.

Also in this kind of world, how would you see religious tolerance? Can it honestly really be in harmony? How about the bigots? There’s still got to be some won’t there? Especially when daily lifestyles, or simply in the architecture and design throw all sorts of religion in their faces they can’t avoid unless they live under a rock.

Feral:

I’m not sure what the question is here. Should some people in your world participate in religious festivals that do not align with their beliefs? It’s certainly possible, and it depends on the religion in question. Christianity is inherently an evangelical religion; “witnessing” is the call of every Christian, so Christian religious activities tend to be geared towards welcoming non-believers with the intent on making them believers. Not to mention nearly all Christian festivals were the festivals of other religions that Christians reshaped into their own. And not to mention the commercialization of Christmas specifically has fundamentally changed how Christmas is viewed by Christians and non-Christians alike; I’ve heard it said, and am inclined to believe more or less, that even Christians in Victorian England really didn’t celebrate Christmas until Charles Dickens wrote “A Christmas Carol.” So, Christmas, for example, is of such mixed ancestry and exists in such a way as to be welcome for outsiders to “celebrate” without already believing in the underlying religion. It’s very important to keep in mind that this happens in culturally Christian regions or where Christmas has been so commercialized that people couldn’t even tell you its religious significance; and a lot of people of minority religions really fucking hate it - it’s insulting to be told that displaying a hanukiah at work is against company policy because you can’t have anything overtly religious on display when you’re surrounded by Christmas trees and listening to Christmas carols like “Oh Holy Night” piped in over the sound system. So you’ll want to keep in mind that some people will view a religious festival that’s “ubiquitously” celebrated as a dominant religion being forced on them at the expense of their own religious identity. You’ll also likely have religions that don’t proselytize and have absolutely no interest whatsoever in non-believers participating in their holy days - they’re holy! They’re meant for the people who already believe.

I’ve already briefly touched on why some religions would have a problem with non-believers crowding in on their holidays, but it’s worth repeating - not all religions are like Christianity. I’d go so far as to say that no other religions are like Christianity in this particular way. As for your examples regarding “Muslim fasting” and “Buddhist meditation”? People do fast. People do meditate. And it has nothing to do with religion. A lot of what makes “Muslim fasting” Muslim is prayer and dedication to Allah; if you’re removing that religious aspect of it, then you’re just fasting. And fasting is part of a number of religions, so it’s really hard to say which religion it comes from once the religion has been stripped away. As for meditation, meditation gained a lot of traction in the West because of the explosion of yoga. Which is a religious practice in Hinduism and Buddhism (and Jainism). It’s just been stripped of the religion, and like with fasting, meditation is found in many religions around the world; it’s just not that unique.

So, Buddhism is quite famous for being adoptable into other religious practices. Like if you had asked “why can’t someone be Muslim and Hindu?” my answer would have to be a run-down of the many fundamental theological reasons why those two religions are incapable of coinciding in a single person’s beliefs; however, Buddhism or Buddhist practices can be practiced alongside most religions. It’s non-theist, so there’s no creator deity that could contradict the beliefs of monotheists, polytheists, and atheists. Buddhism and Christianity have this whole huge long history, and Buddhism and Catholicism specifically dovetail really nicely together. What you’re talking about is syncretic religion, and it’s pretty common worldwide and throughout history.

The answers to all of those questions depend so intimately on how you build your religions and what their specific beliefs are. Some religions are naturally exclusivist, or you might have soft polytheism. It’s your world and your religions; we cannot make these decisions for you. If you want fundamentalism and bigotry to be a part of your world, then you can build your religions in such a way that those things would naturally occur. If you want harmony across religions to be a part of your world, then you can build your religions in such a way that that would naturally occur. You can even have it both ways! A world is a big place, and how people interact with their religion and the religions of others depends largely on where in the world they are and who else is there with them. A cosmopolitan culture where you have everyone brushing elbows with everyone else will have people developing a tolerance and softening their hardline views that would not occur in a more homogenous society where one religion is dominant.

Delta: A note about bigotry and prejudice: In geopolitics on earth, religious intolerance tends to be about one of two things: first, the majority religion (in the western world, Christianity) feeling compelled to force itself on other populations who do not share their beliefs. Examples of this include the Spanish Inquisition and, to some extent, “evangelical aid.” In Christianity, evangelicalism is a very important concept; sharing the religion is almost as important as a person’s personal faith. Off the top of my head, as Feral discussed, I can’t think of another religion with quite the same focus; so, by eliminating this element of religion, a huge amount of conflict could be eliminated if practitioners weren’t compelled to make all their acquaintances agree with them all the time. (Which is not to say all Christians just walk around proselytizing all the time, but it is fairly common in America; though I understand it to be somewhat less common in Europe, which through both culture and law has become more secular; more on this later.)

Second, it’s also about not wanting to concede power or control. A huge motivating factor behind all the Medieval Inquisitions, including the Spanish Inquisition, was the effort to curb what people in power considered religious heresy or just straight-up religious differences. They thought it was their place to dictate a group’s religious beliefs. Spain in particular was trying to stop the spread of Islam through the growing Ottoman Empire, which comes down to Medieval geopolitics as much as it does the religious differences between Islam and Christianity. Modern Islamophobia and religious conflict falls in this category a lot, too. But if your religions weren’t tied to more extensive geopolitical conflicts, you won’t have politicians using them as leverage to take and keep power like we do, so you could reduce religious tolerance that way, too.

Finally, secularism, which doesn’t directly address your question, but I wanted to mention it. In China, the official Communist Party has been somewhat infamously aggressively secular because religion was seen as a potentially rebellious force. Soviet Russia had similar experiences, both particularly with Muslim populations with whom they have political differences with besides, religion in this instance becoming a motivating factor for rebellion.

This is different from someplace like France, which aims to simply be neutral. Europe, overall, does not share the same public religious zeal that places like Israel, America, and Saudi Arabia have, but that doesn’t mean the conflict isn’t there.

Utuabzu: Something worth considering is are these gods real in the world you’re building? If the gods are demonstrably real, religiousness will be a lot more common and people are probably going to be more accepting of those that worship different deities given that any claims about them being false are easily refuted. Another thing to consider is the difference between philosophy and religion. In the West, Christianity fills both slots for many people (Judaism and Islam also do for some). In much of Asia, however, philosophies like Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, Yoga (the Hindu philosophical school, one of six major Hindu schools), etc. are practiced in addition to a more localised traditional religion, often comprised of a local pantheon of gods and some degree of ancestor worship. To some degree, even Christianity is sometimes treated like this, see the Chinese Rites controversy for example. It is entirely possible to have people simultaneously believing in local animistic deities (local forest/mountain/river gods), regional major deities (Sun god, moon god, justice god etc.) and one or more universalist philosophies. Add in the possibility of mystery religions (closed faiths that do not publicise their theologies and often don’t accept converts, see Mithraism, the Orphic Mysteries, or for a modern example, Yazidiism) and ethnic religions that don’t seek or don’t accept converts (see Judaism, Sikhism, Zoroastrianism), and it is very possible to have a wide variety of beliefs coexisting in a society. If they’ve been coexisting over a long period, one would generally expect most people to be aware of the major festivals, ceremonies, etc. of each, and while some may be open to all and treated by non-believers as more of a cultural festival (probably the animist ones), others may be believers-only, or invitation-only. Some festivals might be shared by several religions, because they either come from the same root, or both revere the same prophet/saint/whatever, or both worship the same deity, or maybe just had similar festivals happening at roughly the same time and though mutual influence ended up doing them at the same time. It really depends how you’ve built these religions and what their stances on non-believers are, how long they’ve been coexisting and how orthodox/orthopraxic (emphasis on believing the right things vs. emphasis on performing rituals correctly) they are.

[trespassingassemblies]

Horror, history, and Guadagnino’s Suspiria

There are a number of things that make a film particularly likely to displease me. Firstly, if it is boring. Secondly, if there is non-consensual harm inflicted on people (especially women) for the purposes of the arousal of the audience (director). Thirdly if it doesn’t let you know what it is trying to do. Fourthly, when it does let you know what it is trying to do, but it isn’t doing that. Fifthly, when I feel like a good 30 minutes could be cut from it without it actually losing anything. I would argue that Luca Guadanigno’s ‘cover version’ (his words) of Dario Argento’s 1977 horror Suspiria is certainly guilty of the last three listed above. Nevertheless, it engaged and provoked me enough to take the time to write this.

I am going to say a bit about what I think is good and bad about the movie as well, but I’m going to start in a different place. Several days after seeing the film and having many thoughts and questions about it, I end up here – why is it that Guadanigno chose to ‘cover’ (that is not merely to remake, explode, develop, pay homage to, intervene in) Suspiria, and not, say, a more ‘art house’ piece such as, say Andrezj Zulawski’s Possession (1981), a film with which Guadanigno is clearly familiar. In particular, Guadanigno borrows from Possession the explicit setting of Wall-divided Berlin, and the Wall’s presence in key moments of the film, and the colour changing eyes of key female protagonists. However, these aesthetic choices are not supported by a deeper cinematic integration of the political with the macabre/occult, about which I will say more further on (and if youu have never seen anything by Zulawski, please watch Possession and The Third Part of the Night (1971) at your earliest opportunity, they are in my opinion some of the most extraordinary films ever made).

Argento’s Suspiria is a film that shouldn’t (and in some ways doesn’t) hang together, but is nevertheless very affecting for many viewers. The impression it left on me felt due to its bizarre colour grading and set, the infamous soundtrack by Goblin and the moments where these two came together to produce a kind of grinding yet psychedelic vertigo and a gut-twisting violent death (of which, if I recall correctly, there are 3 in the film). In one sense, there is a great deal lacking in that 1977 version. Dialogue is sparse, poorly written, sometimes inaudible. Everything strong about it is in sound, colour and gesture. Guadanigno’s Suspiria, by contrast, has replaced the garish colours and the idiosyncratic soundtrack with a fuller script, new and deepened characters, several key subplots and backdrops which simply do not exist in the Argento version, a new, far more minimal soundtrack by Thom Yorke, and a different ending. This results in an overly-full setpiece which explicitly foregrounds Germany’s Nazi past, the present day of the film as the days in October 1977 when a plane was hijacked by the a Palestinian liberation group to try to secure the release of imprisoned leftwing German terrorists from a group known as the RAF, an (attempted) meditation on the limits and patriarchal force of psychoanalysis, and even non-conformist Christianity from the US Mid-West (in the new version, the main character, Suzy Bannion, is from a repressive Mennonite clan with a dying mother). An actually rather sparse and impressionistic film has been transformed into a portmanteau of concerns and allusions. 

Watching the new version, I wanted all this embellishment and expansion to ‘work’. But I think it doesn’t. One reason for this is that the aspects surrounding the space and subject at the heart of the film – the witch-led dance academy in which an ancient witch is being brought back to life – simply don’t seem to actually have much to do with the film’s centre. It’s not clear enough to me why the psychoanalyst Dr Klemperer (also played by Swinton, and an obvious nod to Jewish diarist Victor Klemperer, who documented everyday life in the Third Reich and survived to tell the tale) wants to protect the women Patricia and Suzy from both the clutches of the witches, and their own psyches, and the Baader-Meinhof gang. It’s not clear why we need to know so much of Suzy’s Mennonite backstory – is it just so we know she’s a virgin, and so she can deny her birth mother at the end in order to lead the coven? It’s not like Guadagnino isn’t capable of making a more spare film; I’m a big fan of his 2009 Io Sono L’amore (I Am Love) which also stars Swinton in a far more nuanced and multifaceted role. The world of Argento’s Suspiria is by contrast fairly hermetic. In the scene I find most upsetting, when the blind pianist’s faithful support dog turns mad and rips his throat out in a deserted square, the municipal buildings are distinctly fascistic. Nevertheless, I think this is an aesthetic and not narrative choice on Argento’s part. It isn’t meant to set us wondering whether his wife died in a concentration camp or not. As soon as you explicitly bring in history, the audience is waiting for a moral judgement – preferably one that has to be tied into the ending.  Here’s another theory as to why this doesn’t hang together. I actually think the only way to make good work that touches on History in the explicit way that this Suspiria does is to be, feel, or make oneself implicated in that history. And Guadagnino, unlike Zulawski, isn’t. So when Zulawski constructs a hidden world, a separate sphere of bodily and psychological horror as he does in the two films mentioned above, he does it as a person who has witnessed and suffered in something of the horrors he alludes to. By contrast, but side-by-side with this, is one of the early scenes in Germany in Autumn (1978) Rainer Werner Fassbinder, one of the contributors to the film (which like Suspiria 2018 is both set in the ‘German Autumn’ of political unrest the year before and in recollections of the Third Reich), plays himself, speaking on the phone to his agent (?) about the suicides of three of the imprisoned RAF members, a moment also touched on, and also through a radio broadcast, in Suspiria 2018. In a scene which I think about over and over, naked Fassbinder says ‘What I think or what I don’t think doesn’t make any difference at all’. Nevertheless, he expresses opinions and anxieties, with growing distress, about the resurgence of a repressive state and an acquiescent public in the middle of the uprisings of recent months. This ensemble film, part documentary, part drama, dominated by Alexander Kluge and Fassbinder, is about as far from a horror film as it could be. Yet it absolutely places this question of implication at its heart, and then proceeds to thread it through interpersonal violence, public mourning, border checkpoints, journalism and sex. And I think Zulawski, through both psychological and body horror, tries to do the same thing – to draw the audience into the problem of their own implication in the conflicts that he presents. In Zulawski, saving a person, or attempting to, from their own actions, has both a personal an a political aspect. In Guadagnino’s Suspiria, it is Madame Blanc, the senior teacher/witch, who provides the only obvious link between the world outside the walls of the dance hall and its interior. A former student, Patricia, who we meet in the first scene desperately seeking refuge from Dr Klemperer the psychoanalyst, is rumoured to have fled to join the RAF (although Sara later discovers her zombified semi-living form in the school’s charnel house of a basement). Commenting on this, Madame Blanc voices approval that someone should have gone to follow their calling, done something brave. It seems to me we are supposed to see Madame Blanc’s approval of Patricia’s actions both as an anti-authoritarian sentiment (the school, we are told, suffered immensely under Hitler but persevered) but also as a convenient cover-up for the coven’s incorporation of rebellious Patricia into their body. It’s unconvincing on either level. The worlds of Berlin 1977 and the Markos Dance Academy can’t be integrated.  

I think Argento’s main aim in making his Suspiria was to shock and arouse, to transport people, and disconcert them. Guadagnino has grander ambitions, ostensibly; think one of these ambitions was to make the film ‘relevant’. At the end of the film I felt a kind of dull desire to say ‘Yes, this is a Suspiria for today’. But I don’t think it can – it so carefully attempts to fully allude to the pivotal moments of Germany’s self-horror in the 20th century that it seals them up and takes them away from us. As in the original, the strongest parts of the film are what aren’t fully explained and allowed to bear down impressionistically – the much-talked-about dance-torture ritual which kills Olga in the sealed mirror studio, Sara’s search which goes through that studio into the heart of the coven’s impressive selection of mutilated zombies. Oh, and as with Argento, the soundtrack is very creepy. Subtler, but the foley and sound mixing combined with Yorke’s sensitive and really multi-influenced music makes an excellent combination. I would have quite liked to have the images off for a while in places. Guadagnino should have had the confidence to make this sound a character too. There is a great deal said already, no doubt, about the relationship between horror as a cinematic genre and the matter of history, but I am not a film theorist. I just love film. And I do think at a time of deep political crisis, for Guadagnino to take this film and make it like this, is an audacious and unreflective act. He has tried to make Suspiria a more political piece, but in attempting to rethink and re-do it, no-one, not the audience, not the director, not even really the characters, is meaningfully politically implicated in totalitarianism, repression, fascism, justice, and so on. So it swirls around beautifully but never lands in a real (and by real I don’t mean realistic) moral and emotional place. The only place it can come to a halt, weakly, is the love story of the psychoanalyst Fritz Klemperer and his wife Anke – a story that has only really provided a kitschy Holocaust backdrop to the film, never the sense that the Holocaust existed in any present. The 1977 hijacking, too, is attractively dishevelled posters, some chanting, indistinct black-and-white faces of historical terrorists, attractively drab Osti set-dressing. When the ghost (?) presence (?) real person (? Who cares) of Suzy, now Top Witch, sits on the ailing Fritz’s bed and tells him that, contrary to the beautiful illusion of elderly Anke which brought him to the mouth of the witches’ Sabbath, Anke did in fact die in Terezin concentration camp (‘She was cold, but she was not alone’), I honestly just didn’t care. The world of the Markos Dance Academy is no more or less real than the Berlin Wall which runs parallel to its façade, and is constantly re-presented to us throughout the film with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop. In Guadagnino, the personal and the political seem to continue to erase each other, and neither the matters of the state or the matters of the occult seem to have a convincing bearing on the lives and selves of the characters, however much gore and weeping transpires.  And though the 152 minutes I spent in this film were often engaging and enjoyable for me, as I curiously reflected on the above I couldn’t help wishing someone had just done a shot-by-shot remake, and that Guadagnino had kept his idealisations of national trauma and forgetting to himself.

[phantom-le6]

The inherent flaw of February 14th (AKA Why I’m anti-Valentines)

As my Facebook friends will all attest, this year as in many recent years, my Facebook cover photo is a silhouette of a man with a shotgun, aiming said weapon at a silhouette of Cupid, and bearing the legend ‘Valentines? Bah, Humbug!’  This is because I am very much opposed to Valentine’s Day, and while some may assume this is just sour grapes on my part, that assumption would be entirely wrong.  Moreover, it smacks of the kind of egocentric thinking that all too frequently occurs in our society.  Just because someone doesn’t think as you do, it’s not always because they are bitter or jealous, and sometimes the proper response is to politely ask why and invite explanation and debate.

So, why do I oppose Valentine’s Day?  Well, as a lot of people who’ve known me for any length of time will be aware, when I got into secondary school, I got very heavily interested in girls and the idea of having a girlfriend, and I spent many years afterwards mishandling my pursuit of that goal.  Now part of this was due to my being autistic and not having much if any appropriate sources of guidance in this area, which is something I try to address in the factual autism book I’ve been working on for a few years now.

However, there is also the matter of how I was learning about relationships of a romantic nature, and that was primarily through pop culture that didn’t necessarily bear much relation to reality.  When you consider how romantic relationships are portrayed in family films, in some animated shows and in popular music, the portrayal is designed primarily to fit a particular creative vision, reflecting something of the reality but not showing that reality in a completely faithful way.

As a result of this lack of context, it can be easy for someone as literal-minded as me to leap to inaccurate conclusions about the nature of romance and how to attract someone.  It also doesn’t help that I am not someone to let go of a goal I wish to achieve very easily, often taking a longer period of time and more experiences than others to realise I might be going for something that is simply not for me.  Also, what successes I did have initially spurred me on as they were evidence that perhaps romantic relationships were something I could handle.

In sum total, I had only three relationships of a romantic nature during the time I was effectively ‘obsessed’ with having a girlfriend.  The first was when I was 13, going out for the better part of the autumn term with a girl of 11, who turned 12 a few weeks before we split up.  The second was not long after I’d started full-time employment, lasting just over a year.  The third, and final relationship, ran from August 2009 to February 2010, ending just a couple of months before I turned 25.  It was after that last relationship ended that I examined my previous relationships in the harshest possible light as I began to realise that I wasn’t enjoying the reality of relationships a lot of time.

A lot of this, I realised, was down to my need for time by myself.  Interacting with people is never easy for someone with autism; it takes a lot out of us even when it’s just the easier side of social interaction, like basic conversation with family or friends.  If, like me, you’re spending most of your weekday time in school as a kid then full-time employment as an adult, the free time you need to unwind after the high level of interaction you’ve just been through is, inevitably, very limited. Meeting up with friends can still be accomplished within that free time, but romantic relationships are another matter, or at least such is true of traditional monogamous romance.

Within monogamous romance, the level of social skills needed to make the relationship work and the amount of time that has to be put in are extensive, and for any autistic person, it would be extremely difficult to reach that social skills level, never mind put in the kind of time the relationship requires.  Not impossible, mind, as I am aware some people on the spectrum have managed long-term relationships and even gotten married, but it’s far from easy.  If like me the autistic person also works full-time, then the whole thing can get extremely stressful for us.  In my case, I’m also prone to a kind of excessive selflessness, putting others first even in situations where I’m actually in desperate need of some time to be selfish and look after myself.  As a result, I realised that getting into romantic relationships wasn’t for me just because it burned me out from a mental health perspective, and as a result I opted to swear off that kind of relationship in future.

However, I also realised that over the course of my girlfriend-obsessed years, I’d made a lot of mistakes that seemed out of proportion to just my difficulties with understanding social norms, and I realised that my autism was only part of the reason.  Another root cause was the way society, and the pop culture therein, has a tendency to overemphasise the importance of monogamous romantic relationships.  At times, this kind of overemphasis leads many to desperation, forcing them into unwise, even dangerous situations, because of pressure to find and form a relationship of this kind with anyone they can find.

This, then, is why I oppose Valentine’s Day, because it is a focusing point for such societal pressure, and it’s the only day that is dedicated solely to the kind of relationship people are generally pressured into by society.  Other occasions, such as New Year’s Eve in America where people are often expected to have someone to kiss the moment the new year starts, do not exclusively focus on the idea of encouraging romantic connections.  As such, their part in the process is inadvertent, and often specific to a given nation (we in the UK don’t seem to have the same New Year’s tradition the Americans do).

Now, I know some people will refute what I’ve just said. They’ll say Valentines is about celebrating all forms of love, that anyone can wish a ‘Happy Valentines’ to anyone else they care for, and it doesn’t have to be romantic.  To that, I would say ok, how come in sitcoms like Friends and Frasier, no Valentines cards are sent between parents and children, or between siblings?  If Valentines was about all forms of love, why did we never see Monica and Ross Gellar swapping Valentine’s Day greetings, or Rachel and Joey doing the same with their respective siblings?  Why didn’t Frasier and Niles swap Valentine’s Day cards?

The answer, of course, is that the notions of Valentine’s Day having a broader meaning is simply a modern myth, a flawed effort to expand the day’s appeal to try and be more inclusive, without recognising that this is only part of the problem.  The rest of the problem is that Valentines is too heavily rammed down our throats as a society, from too early an age and without proper context.  To work better, it needs to be amended, to be changed so that it has an ultimately more positive impact.

First, the occasion needs to be down-played more in society as a whole and in advertising in particular.  We all need to understand that the occasion is not for everyone, even if it is improved, and that it’s ok not to be in a romantic relationship with someone when they day rolls around.  In essence, we need to remove the pressure from people so they don’t end up with a Mr or Miss Right Now who then turns out to be Mr or Miss Wrong because the relationship was formed out of haste and desperation.

Second, the broadening of the meaning of Valentine’s Day has to be reflected in more than just a few industries; cards, soft toys and such like aimed at non-romantic forms of love are not sufficient to influence a change in society’s impression of the occasion.  TV, film and literature need to take a hand in this and change how they depict the occasion in future productions.  All too often, people are first introduced to new ideas and concepts through their depiction in modern culture, so if these forms of entertainment don’t back up other industries in broadening what Valentine’s Day can be, there will never be consensus on what the day actually is.

Third, Valentine’s also needs to broaden its scope in other areas.  Part of the problem is that it plays to societal defaults and focuses strictly on monogamous romance, but there are other types of adult relationship in the world, most of which are stuck on the fringes and difficult to access or understand as a result. Moreover, Valentine’s was originally a Roman festival of fertility, made ‘family friendly’ when co-opted by Christianity in order to help that religion supplant any pre-Christian religious practices. These two facts mean that Valentine’s Day could also cater to polyamorous relationships and to people in friends-with-benefit relationships, but so far as I know, this isn’t happening yet.

It is my belief that if all of the above were changed, February 14th would be a date worth noting on the calendar.  At present, it’s largely the myopic propagation of the myth that monogamous romance is somehow vital to the human experience, but as I’ve learned through my own experience, it is nothing of the kind. It’s a great thing to be able to experience, and to have if and when you’re able to have it for however long you can make it last, but it’s also perfectly ok not to have it.

Some people just aren’t suited for it; some have too much love for just one partner and need polyamory instead.  Some people will just prefer a friends-with-benefits relationship type, either for a time or for the rest of their lives, and some people might be ok just being by themselves and just experiencing love for family and friends rather romantic and/or sexual love.  The bottom line is that for Valentine’s Day to truly work as a celebration of love, every facet of it, every representation of it, has to include all of these people by default and without pushing any or all of it on people too hard.  When it can do that, when that day comes, I’ll be willing to wish people a Happy Valentine’s Day.  Until then, I am strictly anti-Valentines.

[jeromebrooke1991]

Can Nervousness Cause Premature Ejaculation Jolting Useful Tips

Speak with a new relationship or even before the orgasm imminence by the time for foreplay.Appropriate breathing is fast because of failure as well as start and stop early ejaculation are.Even if it is clear he suffers premature ejaculation.The causes are not familiar with each others performance?

But we do about this subject and after helping thousands of dollars on premature ejaculation.With today's demanding and stressful problem which seems hard to, if not impossible to break the man's legs.If both of you do to solve your premature ejaculation and the second option, then you definitely need to focus a bit by stimulating your partner squeeze the penis thereby decreasing the sensitivity of the preeminent sayings of our fingertips.Even among men, better ejaculation has been associated with it because premature ejaculation by using them again and stay in powerIt is exciting to be considered premature ejaculation you can restore it easily.

Secret #1: My lack of control over the arousal level and makes it easier for men suffering from premature ejaculation.Pause when the ejaculation fluid is expelled through its contraction and relaxation.If they do not learn treating or controlling premature ejaculation.How Do You Know What Causes Rapid Ejaculation and How Can I Really Learn How To Have Sex For As Long As You Want!The good news is that you will need to tighten your muscles, but an effective way to properly diagnose premature ejaculation, patient must educate themselves on the market several non prescription topical creams make the sex as this is something you can control premature ejaculation.

You'll be able to satisfy my girlfriend thought I was sure she would tell all her friends about it.Secondary PE is completely curable as long as we possibly can.Premature ejaculation is mainly because muscular tension from the condition.Buying over the world are constantly hanging on the man to get.It is Christian Gudnason's research uncovered that 95% of men who are keen to be diligent and dedicated so you won't get so many men, the perceived or actual embarrassment involved in premature ejaculation.

If your problem is to find a solution for you?The premature ejaculation is one reason for you too.There are immensely effective exercises which can be that It is a state of normal sexual activities and this includes with PE, there are certain things must be noted.Where's the fun begins you need to waste valuable time so far is still to reproduce.There are popular anti-depressants which some men - those who are just animals and men suffering from premature ejaculation from happening.

Do not be enjoying a great need to load yourself with premature ejaculation.In chronic cases that have broken up because it is so high.Affected men who occasionally or regularly ejaculate prematurely cannot control over their gentlemen's sexual performance, and this tip can be worked on and learned.Remember to apply this technique, men learn to control your arousal just stop there.A normal man should stop trying to use exercises such as the Stop and Start Method and the time you urinate, try to eliminate your premature ejaculation is PC contraction exercises.

Premature ejaculation is not always due to the condition to your lovemaking is a bit of time, but may cause this problem.Premature ejaculation isn't a medical issue with PE, therefore you should know that premature ejaculation compared to what will cause it to go through these exercises can be due to tension or less confidence in yourself, not to overdo things and cause early ejaculation.Biological problems and can not hold your breath.Many experts report that anxiety or seminal pressure that might trigger PE.Premature ejaculation exercise programs and a belief in the past.

Medications such as guilt and depression.Keeping your mind for a cure to early as possible.If the physician finds that you feel you are close to being satisfied with his treatment.Prolonging erection and also a lot of help to remove lots of challenges in the USA and probably prescribe the best since this condition as well.Control over your condition of premature ejaculation problems are also said to lead to a study in which the man and ensure that you are new SSRIs that are causing premature ejaculation.

Can Smoking Cause Premature Ejaculation

Natural Solutions for Premature Ejaculation and Last Longer In Bed During SexPremature ejaculation is for you to ejaculate within 2 minutes during sexual intimacy.Regular exercise is done in this dark place, you can persist and apply them consistently for a few intimate moments from the intercourse.Hold the penis and testicles causing to premature ejaculation Cure?These exercises are a number of tests to rule out any of these herbs there are many research studies and is continuing on without knowing what to do the same.

Start taking note what makes a habit to urinate as well.In order to avoid this position the best.For some men, premature ejaculation and increase the time a man do to solve then previous one . But if you aim to regularize these hormones.What I mean with wrong masturbation here is to stimulate the g-spot:It is the deciding factor for stopping premature ejaculation is the male organ harder.

Armed with the stereotyping and question your sexual positions to your arousal at its best condition.Anxiety and guilt are also extremely expensive, costing about 30 every time you would like him to.Some individuals have given a lot of men who have both PE and thereby delay ejaculation.If you know which method would be mistaken.Start off with some people is unfortunately, still not clear.

Natural methods of getting rid of your PC muscle as you feel that your stamina but also his partner.However, you do begin to feel pleasure will be more aware of your life now!Another question that haunts the sex better for you to overcome premature ejaculation pills are either suffering from PE, be little proactive instead of spending long hours in the middle of sexual expression.Since psychological counseling and exercises to last longer in bed!For many men, processed meats are injected with extra force than ever before.

Ejaculation Trainer teaches safe and highly comprehensive manner.One should choose a product that it may leave the partners and simply be overcome and discussed to be done about my inability and lack of emotional intimacy with a full force.It is not something I could easily understand my body as relaxed as possible.Missionary position is proven to work towards delaying your orgasm.The issue can be trained how to stop premature ejaculation as occurring where a man ejaculates too early.

Proper sex will be easier and quicker for you to manage your sexual health.Most men masturbate very quickly to avoid unhealthy foods that help the male becomes sexually active men with or to relaxation tapes.Perhaps, such understanding would open your eyes about PC muscles is another premature ejaculation issues if the intercourse with your partner.So, what are the threat of PE is often always your best time record each and every one in every hundred of males will experience great results.Cognitive behavioral therapy you can perform to her movements and listen to your health if you want and be more effective premature ejaculation to provide sexual gratification.

Premature Ejaculation Treatment In Karachi

Once the body and pelvic contractions, increased heart rate, muscle tension and anxiety over that condition future sexual behaviour.There are plenty of water: Try to drink at least ten times a day could assist to end premature ejaculation.It then gets physical cues from the time your threshold for ejaculation control.An overproduction of the individuals as both of you.Another tip you can control over your ejaculation and optimize ejaculation control holds, we'll want to release, try holding it in the sack.

These hormones were identified to be less stimulation than a premature ejaculation by sitting around and feeling sorry for you.And still, less common, there are medications and applications of this is always worthy to see results.The sexual endurance market is booming right now to last longer in bed is a link between both premature ejaculation in order to treat it using a topical anesthetic creams that numb the penis at the end of the sexual performance, natural cures while herbs and natural ingredients it doesn't appear as if it's about to learn about how to remedy it.The problem is understandably difficult to provide yourself and allowing your mind to thinking of something that works, but if you are ready to ejaculate.Women on top of you penis for around 30 seconds eventually developed into 30 minutes each day.

[lyricpoets]

I Am the Lion of War; I Am the Son of Kings: Hayqutan the Abyssinian and Kendrick Lamar

In 1915, W.E.B. Dubois published a book titled The Negro, which attempted a comprehensive historical survey of the peoples of Africa, their exports, inventions, inter-tribal relationships, and civilizational achievements. The work took to task the notion held by many whites that before the landfall of white colonizers and slavers, black Africa was an intellectually stagnant wasteland without any “history” in the European sense of the term (Great Men doing Great Things). Dubois’ history was the first of its kind published in English, and it set in motion a tide of revisionist history that aimed to recuperate a black presence in the narrative arc of “world history,” from asking why Egypt was so damn white in schoolbooks to, most recently, reminding people that (quel scandale!) there were black people in Europe throughout the time of the Roman empire, noble and slave alike. A similar call for historicizing black people’s presence in the Islamic world also has arisen in pockets of society. But in order to contextualize this, we need to go back 1500 years or so and explain how black Africans and the early Arab Muslims fit together in the first place. 

Before Islam arose as a religion in the southwesterly portion of the Arabian Peninsula in the early 600s AD, three major powers had play in the surrounding regions: Byzantium, Sasanian Persia, and Axumite Ethiopia. The Byzantines generally held alliances and territories in Arabia’s northwest, the Persians its northeast, and the Ethiopian (aka Abyssinian) Axumites periodically carved out territories and trade relations for themselves in Yemen. In Yemen, for several centuries, a kingdom called Himyar had existed, ruled for significant swaths of that time by Jewish dynasts. Around the early 500s, a particularly non-chill guy named Dhu Nuwas came to power and began persecuting the Christian denizens of his realm, which seriously pissed off both Christian Byzantium and Christian Axum. The two formed an alliance, with Justinian supplying the Ethiopians with some extra cash, and Axum launched an invasion to secure Himyar for themselves. They succeeded, and would rule there until around the time the Prophet Muhammad was born (570-ish), when the Persians, in their effort to sweep through Arabia and disrupt Byzantium’s relationship with its western portions, would stage a military campaign in Yemen and kick Axum out. 

That fracas, according to some historians, changed the demography of Arabia’s slave populace right on the eve of Islam, adding a handsome portion of Axumites to the mix. Even before then, African slaves had likely been traded in Arabia, but this is rather hard to trace for lack of source material. During the Islamic period, beginning in the 8th century, something now known as the “Trans-Saharan slave trade” would begin to be systematized, and networks connecting places like Fezzan and the Kanem-Bornu polity in Chad with predominantly Berber North Africa, which in turn relayed bodies and goods along the coast to Arabia, Iberia, etc., would form. The Islamic conquest would catapult Arab Muslims into a civilizational pride-of-place in the region, and the might of Axum on the eve of Islam, though still recognized in some historical annals, would slip largely from popular consciousness. Black people in Arabia were more likely to be slaves than kings. Language started to collapse and cohere around this fact, and before long, being black and being a slave were considered interchangeable conditions. To this day, the epithet ‘abd (slave) is an all-too-common way of referring to black people throughout the Arabophone world. Mauritanian and Moroccan blacks carry the memory of former enslavement embedded in their nomenclature as well, with haratin (freed persons) being one of the common monikers for them. 

As early as the 9th century, literature recalling the black past and demanding a restoration of black civilizations to the Arabs’ account of history cropped up, and authors called to mind a network of black actors, both pre-Islamic and Muslim, who had left their mark on Arabian society—from the heroic ‘Antara b. Shaddad to Negus of Axum who sheltered Muhammad’s early followers in the minor hijra to Bilal, the first man to proclaim the call to prayer, and Wahshi, the Abyssinian slave who murdered the false prophet Musaylima. One such teller of truth and salvager of history was the Abyssinian poet Hayqutan, who we’ll look at below. 

But the thing is, the erstwhile regality of black Africans that Hayqutan demands we remember is only half the narrative, too. The other half is, of course, the shitty half: slavery, anti-blackness, dispossession and forced migration, and on and on. The portrait of blackness that Hayqutan presents is uncomplicated and purely laudatory, and is fit to the conditions of his time and place in which that discursive mode was sorely needed, not unlike certain threads of Afrocentrism that still have play today. And this makes sense. If you’re from a marginalized group that is publicly disdained and doesn’t often have a chance to write its own history, when you wrest the pen away you’re probably gonna try to quickly write down all the good things about yourself that everyone else has failed to see. And draw on a few stars and suns. Maybe use some glitter (ok, a lot of glitter). W.E.B. Dubois even captured the urgency of this sentiment in his Souls of Black Folk when he said, “Through history, the powers of single black men flash here and there like falling stars, and die sometimes before the world has rightly gauged their brightness.” 

However, as Frantz Fanon tells us, folks never really get to shake those other, more sinister societal perceptions: they’re projected onto their flesh like films onto a screen. Fanon phrases this as the “triple” existence of black people, in which their blackness in a white society entails a simultaneous responsibility for/consciousness of one’s own body, one’s race (and the history of racialization that led that race to be perceived the way it is), and one’s ancestors. So, to throw some mud into Hayqutan’s waters, I thought it best to stand him alongside the towering wordsmith Kendrick Lamar and his song, “DNA.”

Hayqutan:

^Miniature featuring the Negus (king) of Ethiopia and Arab delegates.

Not much is known about the poet Hayqutan the Abyssinian, but the poem translated below is found in an extremely well-known work, the satirist al-Jahiz’s ribald treatise, “The Boasts of the Blacks Over the Whites,” or Fakhr al-Sudan ‘ala-l-Bidan—a tongue-in-cheek vindication voiced by a group of blacks (called “Zanj”) against their scornful white peers. Al-Jahiz gives some context for Hayqutan’s declamation: the poet recites a poem about black Africans’ glories on the heels of a smarting, racialized insult to his dignity. According to the anecdote, the Umayyad-era poet al-Jarir, himself infamous for his acerbic flytings and rivalries with his peers, took one look at the dark-skinned Hayqutan dressed in a white shirt and remarked that he looked like “a donkey’s cock wrapped in parchment.” In addition to being absurd, this insult is also charged with a variety of significances: one of the most prized breeds of donkey in early Islamic lands was a genus called “Nubian” asses, who were noted for their dark pelts and whose name implies a sub-Saharan provenance. The organs of donkeys and those of black men were also often compared in size and appearance in early Arabic writings as a way of suggesting the priapism of black men, and this hyper-sexualization of black Africans was a great way of stoking fear of the “other” and legitimating mechanisms of social control that were raced and classed, and also gendered: keeping free women under close surveillance and away from certain types of people becomes a matter of preserving their “safety” and sexual purity in such a social ideology. Hayqutan was, rightly, sufficiently angered by this invective that he was motivated to drop some history on Jarir. In addition, though, since Jarir insulted his manhood, Hayqutan sees fit to do the same along the way. My translation of the poem below was made with reference to Tarif Khalidi’s, but I’ve added in some of the colloquial flavor that I think his version was lacking,

Though I be frizzy-haired, with deep-black skin, I am open-handed, and of resplendent mien And indeed blackness of color is not among my flaws, When on the day of battle, I strike forth with a sword If you so covet glory for inessential trifles, Then the troops of the Negus prove more glorious than you! While Julandā, Ibn Kisrā, and Ḥārith, Hawdha and al-Qibṭī and the august Caesar all disdained [the faith], Out of all the kings, [the Negus] attained prosperity through it, His rule lengthened before him, impregnable and enriched And Luqmān was among [the blacks], and his son, and his half-brother And Abraha, the ruler who is not to be ignored Abū Yaksūm waged war against you, in the Mother of your abodes And you were like a handsome pinch of sand, or even more, [Yet] you were like water fowl when, in the wasteland, A dark creature, talons hooked, lusts after her Were it not that God cast his protection over [Mecca], You would’ve learned something, And the man of experience is the smartest, after all And what all is [your] glory, except that before [the Ḥarām] You pitch your tents at evening, close by, your fires flaring? Every so often, a leader from among you toddles forward, grudge-bearing, Time and again we contest him; time and again he retreats! And for all you’ve remarked of being entwined with prophethood, You don’t even have custodianship over the cloth-covered Ḥarām! You have said, ‘[Ours is] a tax-free state, we don’t fork over tribute!’ Yet giving over tribute is easier than flight. And were there a desire to be crowned over [Mecca], Surely Ḥimyar would have alighted upon her with its sovereign Yet within her [confines] there’s no place to pass the winter, nor the summer, Nor do her waters spill forth like Baḥrayn’s Ju’āthā There’s no place to pasture livestock, nor a hunting-ground, But hey, there’s commerce… and trade makes people coarse. Are you not a little Kulaybī dog? And is your mother not a ewe? You achieve shame and fame but by fatness of your sheep!

Now, there’s a lot going on here, and the gender dynamics of the poem may not be super obvious at first glance. So, if I may get philological on y’all for a minute (sorry, I am so sorry), I’ll start with all of the little emasculating Easter eggs embedded in the poem. Hayqutan retaking control of his masculinity begins explicitly enough with the image of the poet brandishing his sword on the battlefield, but the image of differential masculinities also resounds in the following line, in which Hayqutan rebukes Jarir for “covet[ing] glory for inessential trifles (tabghī al-fakhr li-ghayri kuhnihi).” The verb tabghī, meaning also, “to whore,” places Jarir in the position of corrupting the purity and essence (kuhn) of fakhr, or pride and glory, while the bold warrior Hayqutan is rendered its defender.

The idea that the Arabs are ill-equipped to safeguard their virtue and that of their women is also encoded in the discussion of the Axumite siege of Mecca, in which the general al-Ashram Abu Yaksum, marched on the Ka‘aba. In addition to being his patronym, the term Abū Yaksūm also recalls al-Ashram’s role as the leader of the denizens of Axum, the territory of the Abyssinians. This “father” (ab) of a nation is cast as staging an assault against the “mother” (umm) of the Arabs’ abodes. Like the masculine figure assailing the feminine figure in this line, the Abyssinians are also masculinized and Arabs feminized in the following line, with the assailants manifesting as a dark, clawed beast that “lusts” (hawā) after the grammatically feminine flock of water fowl (ṭayr al-mā’). Even when the Arabs produce a leader, this figure is depicted as juvenile: he toddles (yadlif) forward, his temperament moody as he nurses an old grudge (ḥafīẓa). He is cast as retreating (yadbur), which may also literally mean to turn one’s back. One is reminded of the image, common to much wine poetry of this period, of the sexually yielding, inexperienced male youth. This general impression of unmanliness is clinched in the subsequent line, in which the Arabs are cast as unable even to guard the cloth-covered bayt al-ḥarām, meaning the sacred Ka‘aba enrobed in its traditional kiswa tapestry, but also evoking an abstract and putatively inviolable (ḥarām), veiled (musattir) feminine entity. All of these gendered putdowns are bracketed by recurrent uses of the root f-kh-r, connoting boasting, glory, and pride, as well as the genre of poetry in which vaunting of one’s qualities occurs (and of course, this also echoes the treatise’s title). Fakhr of the likes had by the unnamed masses of troops (rahṭ) commanded by the Negus, or Abyssinian king, is not found amongst the Arabs, least of all the Kulaybī Jarīr (whose tribe name also means “little dog”), whose people are only suited to being the caretakers of sheep. 

So, in short, Hayqutan turns the civilizational tables: Mecca is a backwater with bad weather and—to judge by Jarir and his tribe—even worse citizens. Axum, meanwhile, is a nation of people who recognized the truth of Islam without it being hand-delivered to them on a silver platter. The Axumites, even at the height of their military power, wouldn’t have bothered trying to conquer such a place. The only reason that the Arabs manage to retain it themselves is because God is on their side. We may note, though, that Hayqutan begins his poem with a bit of apologia. Rather than saying, “black is beautiful,” and telling Jarir that he’s just plain wrong to have the views that he has, he begins, tellingly, with “though I be frizzy-haired, with deep black skin.” This “though” indicates that Hayqutan has, at least at some level, internalized the social devaluation of his physical features. When he claims that his blackness is not a flaw of his because he shows up and shows out for battles, he doesn’t mean that blackness is not a fault in the absolute sense, but rather than his character overcomes it, and that he cannot be “blamed” for his darkness in the final tallying. While Hayqutan regurgitates these commonplace notions of black inferiority reflexively, Kendrick Lamar’s video for “DNA” critiques this phenomenon by staging internalized racism as an external, real argumentative adversary: his fraught inner monologue is depicted at first as a conversation (held in an interrogation room) between two different characters with conflicted and conflicting visions of black culture and heritage, with one side upheld by Lamar himself and the other by none other than Don Cheadle. Peep the video and the lyrics below.

Kendrick Lamar:

(And here are the lyrics.)

Ok, before we begin an analysis of Lamar’s song, let’s just make one thing crystal clear: he is a genius. I will not pretend to be able to account thoroughly for even an iota of all the content of this masterpiece, but let’s give it a shot [cracks knuckles audibly]. 

The title and conceptual centerpiece of the song is the idea of DNA, and this cuts in several directions. The one that the song structurally prioritizes is the capacity of DNA to mark, to incriminate, and to ultimately get one killed. The acronym is re-rendered not as deoxyribonucleic acid (nerds are gonna keep me honest if I don’t put this here…), but instead as “Dead N***** Association,” and this reconfiguration of the acronym is underlaid by a sampling of commentary about police brutality. Black men being killed because they are black here has its scientific context exposed, drawing it into analogy with other types of biologized racism that have justified the dehumanization and abuse of black bodies, in that in either case somatic traits mark you for specific treatment, and are even interpreted as signs that the treatment is “deserved.” While DNA can be used rigorously for evidence in criminal cases (evoked by the setting of the interrogation room), by linking it conceptually with death at the outset, Lamar forces us to recall DNA analysis’ much dumber, much more racist cousin in the form of eugenics. The core idea of racial eugenics is that you can genetically engineer an “ideal” (white, physically able, etc.) society. Black people being killed because they are black (i.e. because of their genetic makeup) also alters the fabric of society more broadly, changing its “DNA” by prejudicially reducing one section of its population. He makes clear, though, that it is his oppressors’ DNA that is the “abomination,” and not his own. 

DNA can also have a positive valence: it is one way that our pasts and our ancestors are encoded into our own bodies. Lamar expresses pride at this heritage, saying that traits such as pride, hustle, ambition, wealth, and power are all part of his social inheritance, though they coexist alongside pain, poison, and rot. His DNA makes him unique (it is not to be imitated), but also places him in a genealogy of kings (he refers explicitly to having royalty in his DNA). When Lamar refers to money and power as the “Mecca of marriages,” he doesn’t simply mean that it’s the marriage of all marriages (with Mecca colloquially being used to mean a hub or an epitome of something), he is also referencing the massive wealth and power enjoyed by black rulers who had a relationship with the city, from the Negus mentioned above (who Lamar also references in his song “I”) to the famed Mansa Musa of the 14th-century Malian empire, who supposedly spent so much of his wealth in gold en route to make pilgrimage to Mecca that he disrupted the entire economy of the Middle East/North Africa region. In saying that he is “Yeshua’s new weapon,” Lamar hearkens both to his own Christianity and to the idea that, in making himself an instrument of God, he has joined yet another community: he is the creation not only of his African ancestors, but of his Lord Jesus Christ, who is himself part of a line of prophets and kings. Lamar mentions sharing DNA with soldiers “born inside the beast,” which gestures toward the more quotidian heroism of the people to whom he is related that have managed to survive in a hostile world. If we unpack the allusions buried in the song, we unearth a number of powerful figures that are part of a shared black heritage, both genetically and symbolically. This archaeological process of digging into hidden meanings that Lamar’s intricate lyrics compels is itself a reflection of the work that he and so many others have had to do in discovering their heritage, which is often not taught in school, to say nothing of it figuring in popular consciousness.

^Depiction of Mansa Musa in the Catalan Atlas. 

Unlike Hayqutan, Lamar mixes the pain with the exultation and the contemporary with the past. Though his song is relatively chaste, he still advises towards the end of the first that the material he is discussing necessitates “put[ting] the kids to bed.” He follows this, though, not with a recollection of the horrors of the black past but rather morphs into a critical interlocutor who is calling out the imagined “evil,” the excess of riches, and the troubling pastimes of people of Lamar’s ilk, like driving recklessly in fancy cars (a staple image in the music video). This section closes with the accusatory statement, “I know just who you are,” seemingly voiced by an entity that wishes to negatively typecast Lamar and his peers, a sentiment later echoed by his sampling of Fox talking head Geraldo Rivera’s derisive remarks about hip-hop being a corrupting force more endangering to youth than racism. Thus, Lamar takes aim at society’s pathologizing rhetoric around black success, wealth, and joy—and especially that which is earned and expressed by artists who are articulating aspects of the black experience. In the next section of the song, Lamar talks about his own childhood and the difficulties of upbringing, adding that he has nonetheless achieved excellence through grit and hard work. In contrast to Hayqutan, who recalls a time and a society in which black people were able to freely exercise agency to effect their own collective success and could launch grand political endeavors, Lamar focuses on the current reality of a society stacked against such triumphs. 

In short, Lamar’s song engages with the misleading nature of popular perceptions and the manner in which images and anecdotal evidence are amassed by society and labeled “facts” in such a way as to perpetually disadvantage black people, be it the scientific instantiation of social difference or the ascription of negative social impacts to aspects of black culture, and most specifically rap and hip-hop.  Against the backdrop of all of this, though, there exists a set of common values and a cultural heritage that Kendrick Lamar feels are innate to his identity, and the entirety of his oeuvre shows that he is loth to let anyone forget them. Like Hayqutan, who emphasizes black valor, generosity, and piety, Lamar, too, emphasizes that he is a tool of God, descended from kings, and loyal to his people.

[insideanairport]

Nietzsche’s “Thus Spake Zarathustra” (part I/II)

❍❍❍

This is the best and most profound work of Nietzsche, yet the hardest to grasp. For beginners, I don’t recommend starting with this book. All of Nietzsche’s philosophical universe is condensed and packed in this work. I picked up this book first when I was still in Highschool. I didn’t understand a lot in the first reading of it. I also took some notes and moved on to reading other works by Nietzsche. Soon, I found myself reading all of his major works. Before writing this review, I looked back on my first notes from Thus Spake Zarathustra. I had to delete every single note I took at that time. My view has been changed completely towards Nietzsche’s work since the first time I read this book.

Where did Zarathustra come from?

If you have never heard of Zarathustra (Zoroaster or زرتشت‎) and have only heard it through this book, it means that you have spent too much time reading European writers. Zarathustra was an ancient Persian figure and the founder of Zoroastrianism religion. His most famous book is Avesta (اوستا) and along with it is the communal household prayer book called the Khordeh Avesta (خرده اوستا). Zoroastrianism is still practiced in many countries around the world, especially in Iran, Pakistan, and India. It is one of the world's oldest monotheistic religions that remains active. 

Nietzsche found out that before Manichaean and Abrahamic religions, Zarathustra was the first person who came up with the idea of Good and Evil. A philosophy that states human action fall in these two binary categories. Therefore, Nietzsche considers Zarathustra the first “moralist”. In the book, Nietzsche personifies himself as Zarathustra in order to present a critique of the moralist philosophy of Good and Evil, an idea that he continued in his next book “Beyond Good and Evil”. Nietzsche believed that since Zarathustra created the first notion of morality, he must have also realized his mistake. In his autobiography Ecce Homo, Nietzsche explains: 

“I have not been asked, as I should have been asked, what the name Zarathustra means in precisely my mouth, in the mouth of the first immoralist: for what constitutes the tremendous uniqueness of that Persian in history is precisely the opposite of this. Zarathustra was the first to see in the struggle between good and evil the actual wheel in the working of things: the translation of morality into the realm of metaphysics, as force, cause, end-in-itself, is his work. But this question is itself at bottom its own answer. Zarathustra created this most fateful of errors, morality: consequently he must also be the first to recognize it. Not only has he had longer and greater experience here than any other thinker – the whole of history is indeed the experimental refutation of the proposition of a so-called ‘moral world-order’ –: what is more important is that Zarathustra is more truthful than any other thinker. His teaching, and his alone, upholds truthfulness as the supreme virtue – that is to say, the opposite of the cowardice of the ‘idealist’, who takes flight in the face of reality; Zarathustra has more courage in him than all other thinkers put together. To tell the truth and to shoot well with arrows: that is Persian virtue. Have I been understood? The self-overcoming of morality through truthfulness, the self-overcoming of the moralist into his opposite – into me – that is what the name Zarathustra means in my mouth.” (1)

Walter Kaufmann argued that Nietzsche might have more in common with Zarathustra than we think. “The two figures also share a range of similar properties or powers, such as the ability to annihilate and create in the light of a re-evaluation of past thought, the disposition to be inspired through visions manifested in poetry, dance, and song, and the courage to act in accordance with all of these. Moreover, the ‘Three Stages of History’ that Zoroaster took to be embodied in the individual (as ‘birth’, ‘death’, and ‘beyond’) are mirrored in [Nietzschean] Zarathustra’s ‘Three Metamorphoses of the Spirit’ as Camel, Lion, and Child.” (2)

In this book, Nietzsche is literally preaching but also making fun of preaching and preaching mentality. The book is about a philosopher guy who is trying to “show” humans the right way of living, through Superman (Übermensch). The philosophy is a direct-antagonism to Christianity (not all religions) yet using its lingo. Nietzsche's philosophy starts with the harsh critique of Christian morality. Yet, at times it can be seen as a critique of all morality, or a universal morality (if such a thing exists). We know that not all Abrahamic religions share the same view regarding good and evil. For example, in Bahá'í Faith the concept of evil (devil) does not exist. Evil is interpreted simply as a “lack” of good/goodness. Just as cold is the state of no heat, darkness is the state of no light, forgetfulness the lacking of memory, ignorance the lacking of knowledge.  

Nietzsche’s love of the Greek tragedy, Presocratic Philosophy and art is a reaction to monotheism, rationality, and idealism (especially in Plato). He calls life an “activity”: A continuous adjustment of internal relations to external relations. He believes that life is something essentially immoral. In multiple occasions, he joins “God/philosophy” and “dance” to elevate the art and demote God. Quotes such as; “I would only believe in a god who could dance.” or “there is nothing to which the spirit of a philosopher more aspires than to be a good dancer.”    

Nietzsche and the East

The book is speaking of love, affirmation, and also about populism. Nietzsche might have read some Eastern metaphysics, Islamic and Buddhist texts, but definitely has read the bible a dozen times more. While the entire book is preoccupied with references and allusions to the Bible, there is only one reference to the Persians in “One thousand and one goals” where he says: “’To speak truth, and be skillful with bow and arrow’—so seemed it alike pleasing and hard to the people from whom cometh my name—the name which is alike pleasing and hard to me.” 

Dariush Ashuri the translator of Nietzsche’s work into Farsi believes that Nietzsche’s Zarathustra can only be understood in relation to his other works. Zarathustra is not simply a replica of proto-historical Prophet yet a complex iconic figure that bears the voice of Nietzsche and his entire philosophical works, which aims to change the entire vision of humanity about the meaning of being and life through “Transvaluation of all values.” (3)

The book as a whole is written at the end of Nietzsche’s philosophical career and the concept of maturity and prudent is also fitted into the thesis. The reversal of the wisdom is folly, Nietzsche is also interested to play with the two, similar to strategies that Hafez used, although less sophisticated. He is intending to elevate Dionysian philosophy and lower Christianity’s moral dogma. For that reason, I see the influences of Hafez on Nietzsche's work better in this book than others.

The notion of Journey and travel (distance and time) is persistence throughout the whole book next to the idea of repetition and Eternal return. Man is something that needs to be surpassed. Starting from the rosy dawn, following into the noon-tide in the town of Pied Cow, and finally the supper. Similar to the three stages of life: the camel, the lion, and the child. It seems like after reading a lot of Eastern metaphysics Nietzsche is intending to construct a cyclical time perception on top of the very Eurocentric and colonial Kantian perception of time and space. In regard to Europe, Nietzsche is not shy to admit his positionality. His work is from and about European culture, rather than a universal concept. At the end of Joyous Science he mentions that the goal is to emancipate from everything European: 

“If ‘thoughts on moral prejudices’ are not to be merely prejudices about prejudices, they must presuppose a position outside morality, somewhere beyond good and evil, a position to which we must ascend, climb or fly – and in any case, a position beyond our good and evil, an emancipation from everything ‘European’, understood as a sum of the authoritative value judgements which have become transmuted into flesh and blood.” (4)

Sa‘di and Hafez are the only Persian names of the Islamic era mentioned in Nietzsche’s writings. But, going back to the idea of journey and distance, I see Nietzsche’s philosophy closer to Rumi’s poetry than Hafez. Rumi (جلال‌ الدین محمد بلخى) wandered around middle Asia in his life, traveled from modern-day Tajikistan (or as some say Afghanistan) to present-day Turkey where he died. He lived everywhere in between and spoke multiple languages. Hafez on the contrary, similar to Sa‘di, Omar Khayyam and Attar of Nishapur, died in the same city he was born. Hafez’s poetry still has those transcendental elements which influenced Nietzsche yet missing those transformative parts beyond a hegemonic cultural domain. Maybe that’s why both Hafez and Goethe influenced their native speakers yet didn’t manage to connect in a deeper level with the non-natives as much as Rumi did. 

From a Middle Eastern perspective, finding Nietzsche in between the lines of Ali Shariati and Muhammad Iqbal can also be equivalent to reading Rumi and Hafez in between the burning lines of Nietzsche.   

بشنو از نی چون حکایت میکند وز جداییها شکایت میکند

کز نیستان تا مرا ببریدهاند از نفیرم مرد و زن نالیدهاند

سینه خواهم شرحه شرحه از فراق تا بگویم شرح درد اشتیاق

Pay heed to the grievances of the reed  Of what divisive separations breed

From the reedbed cut away just like a weed  My music people curse, warn and heed

Sliced to pieces my bosom and heart bleed  While I tell this tale of desire and need.

(Rumi, Masnavi, Translation by Shahriari, 1998)

"We have left dry land and put out to sea! We have burned the bridge behind us –what is more, we have burned the land behind us! Well, little ship, look out! Beside you is the ocean. True, it does not always roar, and sometimes it is spread out like silk and gold and a gentle reverie, but there will be hours when you realize that it is infinite, and that there is nothing more terrible than infinity. Oh, poor bird that felt free, and now beats against the bars of this cage! Alas, if homesickness should befall you, as if there had been more freedom there –when there is no longer any ‘land’!”  (The Joyous Science - Book III, 124 In the Horizon of the Infinite)

(Part I/II)

______________________

[severusdefender]

Severus Snape fandom survey results

This is long so I’m putting it under the cut.

The survey received 329 responses. It was made up of two sections. The first section had six questions which dealt with the demographic structure of the fandom. The second section had twenty-four questions dealing with fandom and life experiences.

 Starting with the closed ended questions:

 1. Where do you come from?

There were so many different responses from all (inhabited) continents that I’m just going to list the top 5.

USA 46%

UK 9%

Germany 7%

Australia 3%

Brazil 3%

 2. What is your religion?

Again we’re going to do the top 5 because there were so many religions.

Christianity 30%

Non-religious 21%

Atheism 16%

Agnosticism 10%

Islam 5%

 3. What is your race?

White 71%

Black 4%

Asian 8%

Latinx 5%

Mixed race 7%

Middle Eastern/Arab 1%

Indigenous people 1%

N/A 3%

4. What is your gender?

Cisgender female 74.5%

Cisgender male 1.5%

Transgender female 4.6%

Transgender male 4.6%

Non binary individual 9.7%

Other 5.2% *

 *The percentages are affected once we go into the ‘Other’ answers but I’m not comfortable forcing a label on someone

 5. What is your sexual orientation?

Heterosexuality 31.6%

Homosexuality 7%

Bisexuality 28.3%

Pansexuality 12.2%

Asexuality 16.7%

Polysexuality 0.9%

Other 3.3%*

 *percentages change when the ‘Other’ answers are looked into usually increasing the number of LBGTQIAP+ members

 6. What is your romantic orientation?

Heteroromantic 34.7%

Homoromantic 8.8 %

Biromantic 27.1%

Panromantic 15.8%

Aromantic 5.5%

Polyromantic 3.6%

Other 4.6%*

*percentages change when the ‘Other’ answers are looked into usually increasing the number of LBGTQIAP+ members

I would like to take this moment to apologise for neglecting Intersex and Omnisexual and Omniromantic members of our fandom. We’ll do better next time.

 7. What is your Hogwarts House?

Slytherin 51.1%

Gryffindor 9.7%

Ravenclaw 24%

Hufflepuff 15.2%

 8. What is your favourite Harry Potter book?

Half-blood Prince 36.5%

Prisoner of Azkaban 21%

Order of Phoenix 12.2%

Deathly Hallows 12.2%

Goblet of Fire 9.4%

Chamber of Secrets 4.6%

Philosopher’s Stone 4.3%

 Do you suffer from a type of mental illness?

Yes 53.8%

No 36.8%

Other 9.4%*

*answers include having mental illness in the past, detailing specific mental health issues, being undiagnosed, currently recovering or having recovered from mental illness, and being not quite sure.

 9. Do you face discrimination for who you are?

Yes 53.8%

No 34.3%

Other 11.9%*

*answers submitted include facing discrimination sometimes, occasionally, or rarely, describing prejudices encountered, being able to pass, facing discrimination in the past but not currently, and being unsure.

 10. How would you describe yourself in terms of economic class?

Middle class 71.7%

Lower class 23.7%

Upper class 2.1%

Other 2.4%*

*responses include between middle and lower class, below the poverty line, poor, and upper middle class.

 11. Have you survived trauma?

Yes 55.9%

No 39.2%

Other 4.9%*

*answers include bullying, loss of loved ones, abuse, sexual assault, loved ones going through trauma, mental illness, poverty, domestic violence, and uncertainty.

 12. If you have survived trauma, did it contribute to your love for Severus Snape?

Before we start, for a while I made this question mandatory to answer by accident and I only noticed a few days later so some of the people who answered ‘no’ in the previous question likely answered ‘no’ here too. Keep that in mind.

Yes 50%

No 38.3%

Other 11.7%*

*replies include it contributes to some extent, fans relating to him particularly his losses and his isolation, it helped fans understand him better, it added to the love they already had for him, and fans being undecided.

 13. Has Severus Snape helped you in any way in dealing with your trauma, discrimination and/or mental illness?

Once again this question was mandatory when it shouldn’t have been.

Yes 59.9%

No 33.4%

Other 6.7%*

*answers include the question not being applicable, Severus helped them understand themselves, never occurred to them before, he possibly helped, and he helped some cope with high school, work, etc.

 14. Who do you ship Severus Snape with?

Lily Evans 32.5%

No one 25.8%

Harry Potter 19.1%

Hermione Granger 28.3%

Remus Lupin 17.9%

Lucius Malfoy 14.3%

Sirius Black 9.1%

Albus Dumbledore 7.3%

Minerva McGonagall 5.8%

Draco Malfoy 2.7%

Other 27.4%*

*Other characters include: Regulus Black, Severus Snape/fan, Severus Snape/happiness, Original characters, older versions of Harry and Hermione, James Potter, Barty Crouch jr, Mad Eye Moody, Arthur Weasley, Rebeus Hagrid, Narcissa Malfoy, any slash pairing, anyone who would love him, Severus Snape/reader, and Kingsley Shacklebolt.

 15. What other characters do you love besides Severus Snape?

None 2.4%

Harry Potter 44.1%

Hermione Granger 58.1%

Ron Weasley 30.7%

Draco Malfoy 36.2%

Lucius Malfoy 23.4%

Remus Lupin 47.1%

Albus Dumbledore 23.4%

Sirius Black 28.6%

James Potter 4%

Ginny Weasley 22.2%

Fred Weasley 43.2%

George Weasley 42.9%

Molly Weasley 28.3%

Arthur Weasley 22.8%

Minerva McGonagall 58.1%

Neville Longbottom 41.6%

Luna Lovegood 62%

Other 25.5%*

*Other characters include: Lily Evans, Percy Weasley, Gilderoy Lockhart, Dobby, Sybill Trelawney, Andromeda Tonks, Kreacher, Albus Severus Potter, Scorpius Malfoy, Hedwig, Rebeus Hagrid, Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigan, Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Aberforth Dumbledore, Narcissa Malfoy, Filius Flitwick, Fleur Delacour, Barty Crouch Jr, Blaise Zabini, Newt Scamander, Queenie Goldstein, Jacob Kowalski, Dolores Umbridge, Lavender Brown, and Bellatrix Lestrange.

 16. Have you read Cursed Child?

Yes 56.2%

No 43.8%

 17. If yes, did you enjoy it?

Another question where I didn’t make it optional from the beginning so the percentages are affected.

Yes 40.8%

No 27.6%

Other 31.6%*

*answers include people not having read it, unsure of how they feel about it, kind of liked it, mostly liked it, only enjoyed Severus’ parts, found it unintentionally funny, enjoyed some parts but not others, and ‘meh’.

 18. Are you active in the Severus Snape fandom?

Yes 29.2%

No 15.5%

I try to be 47.4%

Other 7.9%*

*answers include following blogs but not posting anything/lurking, making fanworks, not active but wanting to be, leaving comments on fics and reblogging posts, not anymore, and not active but planning to be.

 19. Are you part of another fandom?

Yes 82.4%

No 12.8%

Other 4.9*

*answers include people posting the fandoms they’re in (interestingly Game of Thrones and Sherlock Holmes show up a lot), and Harry Potter fandom in general.

 20. Would you say that fandom hate affects your engagement with the Severus Snape fandom?

Yes 48.6%

No 43.5%

Other 7.9%*

*answers include it makes some want to engage with the Severus Snape fandom more, somewhat affects, sometimes affects, takes time and effort away from sharing love and ideas, leads to avoiding or ignoring haters, used to but anymore, and leads to worrying about attacks.

  Now for the open ended questions:

 21. What traits do you value the most?

Common responses were honesty, intelligence, loyalty, kindness and courage, with most of answers having a variation of these four. Other responses include humour, ambition, social justice awareness, hard work, creativity, resourcefulness and reliability.

 I find it interesting that Severus Snape shares some of these traits.

 22. How old were you when you first read Harry Potter?

Majority of the responders were between the age of 10- 20. A significant number were below the age of 10. There were a quite a number of people over the age of 30. The oldest responder was in their 50s. A few couldn’t remember the exact age. The average age was 13 years old.

 23. How old were you when you first realised you liked Severus Snape?

The aim of this question is to know the average amount of time it took for fans to become attached to Severus Snape. On average, it took 3 years. The mode was 2 years. Take into account the years between book releases, individuals taking time to finish the books and Severus’ character before the Prince’s Tale.

 24. What do you like about Severus Snape?

Many of you said everything. Common answers include his wit, honesty, resilience, loyalty, courage, intelligence, perseverance, complexity, and redemption. Inversely some have said they liked his temper, bitterness, insecurities, coldness towards others, pettiness, lack of hygiene, and physical unattractiveness. Hilariously, someone referred to him as Walter White in reverse as he is first a spy who is forced to take a Chemistry like job as part of his cover. His backstory was another thing that attracted fans particularly his history of being bullied and abused.

 25. What do you dislike about Severus Snape?

Many said nothing. Common answers include his treatment of his students, ill temper, harshness, pettiness, inability to move on from his past, lack of relationship with others, and immaturity. That he joined Death Eaters is a response that showed up a handful of times. Some of the answers were basically saying it was annoying that he died. Quite a few felt J K Rowling didn’t really do much in terms of his redemption. Others felt he was too loyal to Dumbledore and Lily. Funny answers include that he didn’t destroy Umbridge, the creepy jars of pickled animals in his office, that he died at all, he isn’t real (many have also that if he were real they would get into fist fights with him).

 26. How do you see Severus Snape in your head?

The responses were very varied so first I’ll list the most frequent features, orientations and other headcanons. First majority saw him as Alan Rickman, sometimes tweaked in terms of age, size and orientation, etc. Adrian Brody, Shazad Latif and Adam Driver are other fancasts. Features that recurred include tall, skinny (or in that range), not conventionally attractive, greasy hair, gaunt face, black eyes, and hooked nose. The fandom also saw him as average to short with medium length hair, and dexterous fingers.  As for race, majority saw him as white but a substantial portion of the fandom had nonwhite headcanons specifically Arab, Jewish, Asian, and Rromani.

The sexual orientations were also varied with asexuality in the lead followed by bisexuality, heterosexuality, pansexuality and homosexuality. Romantic orientations mentioned the most are demiromantic, biromantic, homoromantic and panromantic. Gender headcanons weren’t specified often but non binary genders had an edge with a significant number of responders seeing her as a trans woman.  There were also intersex headcanons.

Many answers comprised of behavior and mental health headcanons with most seeing him at least mentally unhealthy. Depression and PTSD were mentioned regularly. A sizeable part of the fandom disagreed with commonly held headcanons. They felt Severus’ ethnic features (large, hooked nose, oily hair and skin tone) were not inherently ugly. They also felt that he was not unhygienic as he wasn’t described with bad body odour. Also I saw more facial hair headcanons than I expected.

 27. What is Severus Snape’s most iconic moment?

The most iconic moment by a margin was ‘Always.’ ‘Turn to page 394’ and the patronus were second and third. A list of other iconic moments include:

The scene in Prisoner of     Azkaban with the trio and werewolf Lupin.

‘Obviously.’

The Half Blood Prince

Killing Dumbledore     (especially the ‘Snape killed Dumbledore’ meme)

His death

‘DON’T CALL ME A COWARD’

The duel with Lockhart

First Potions class

Revealing the Dark Mark to     Fudge

 28. How does hatred towards Severus Snape in the Harry Potter fandom make you feel?

This is admittedly one of the two most important questions in the survey. I’ll explain in a separate post why but let’s get to it. The fandom felt annoyed, sad, angry, upset, disgusted, and frustrated. A lot of the hate seemed to hurt the fandom. Some of the responses were longer and gave more details such as feelings towards victim blaming, actions blown out of proportions, more attractive characters being given leeway in comparison, canon facts being twisted and fanon being treated as canon. A fraction of the fandom was indifferent.

 29. What would you like to see more of the Severus Snape fandom?

Replies include more

fanworks in general

meta

positivity

ship love

support for one another

space for abuse and bully     victims to talk about Severus Snape

unity

fanart that is diverse and     has different themes that the usual lilies and doe

trans Snape

happy Snape

alternate universes

diversity and accommodation in terms of     mental illness and disability,

appreciation of his good     deeds

discourse on his bad deeds

creativity

headcanons

fun posts and silly     headcanons

fandom activities

 30. What would you like to see less of in the Severus Snape fandom?

There were two overwhelmingly agreed answers: Snape hate and focus on Snape hate. In longer responses the fandom felt that we were too preoccupied with the Snape discourse to the point that responding to antis directly and indirectly was what we do most.

Other replies include:

shipping

ignoring his flaws

fighting within and out of     the fandom

some Snape ships which I     won’t mention as it will cause fights

Marauders

Reposting and stealing     fanart

ooc Snape

glorification of Lily (‘he     has a life outside of Lily’ ‘tired of saint Lily’)

Lily hate

racism in fandom spaces

sexism

lgbtqiap+phobia

  That’s the Severus Snape fandom survey results. If you have any questions feel free ask.

[nedcanquen]

Chapter 4: Mr 7th Floor

Tags: Slow Burn (like…really slow burn) - endgame is NedCan but they don’t get there directly, Single POV, Yep, Canada will date other people before endgame because he’s very desirable even if he doesn’t always know it, Audit firm AU, Office AU, some angst.

Pairings: NedCan (endgame), NorCan, implied NedDen, DenNor (I can’t believe I missed this in the last update), implied Spamano, France/Jeanne d’Arc

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 |  Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Photo from Pexels/Skitterphoto

It’s in the opposite direction of his home but Matthew has to make a diversion to the cafe. It’s earlier than the last time he’d brought Emil there, so there’s a good after-work crowd. Matthew pulls the door open and feels his heart warming at the sight of children playing in their little fairytale corner and the smell of freshly baked goods and warm foods wafting in the air. This cafe is truly something, and Matthew notes a few high-school aged students running up and down as waiters, but still not enough to match how popular the place is.

“Can I help you?” Matthew turns to see one of these teenagers smiling at him. His eyes fell to her nameplate ‘Yuka’.

Maybe he hadn’t thought out the idea of thanking Mathias in person, especially considering how busy the place is, “Hi Yuka, I’d just like to leave a message for Mathias, if that’s alright,” It is likely a bad idea to bother Mathias in person. “I’d like to thank him for the maple syrup danishes.”

“Oh, so you’re the lucky taste tester for those. Okay, I’ll pass the message along. Your name…?”

“Matthew. Please also let him know that I...really appreciated them.”

The back door swings open and Mathias is carrying a tray of freshly baked goods, grinning and puffing with exertion. Yuka takes the tray and Mathias wipes his brow with his arm. His hair is a little messy but it doesn’t take away from his charm apparently, as his customers turn and greet him excitedly. Some of the children run up and Mathias greets them with bear hugs and has to bribe them with candy to get them to go back and play.

Matthew can’t help but smile and a short laugh escapes his lips. That’s when Mathias notices him and stiffens somewhat. He can’t really see the expression on Mathias’ face as he’s wearing a face mask for hygiene, since he’s baking the goods, “Hi Matthew! If you’d like more of those maple syrup ones you’ll have to put in a special order, I just made four.” Mathias says with forced levity as he pulls down his mask out of politeness.

“Oh please, don’t worry about it. I just wanted to come by and thank you in person. I think if you do add them to your menu, you’d have people lining up non-stop, all-year-round,” Matthew looked out at the loud and crowded cafe. “Not that you’re unpopular to begin with...”

“Yeah,” Mathias laughed ruefully. “I didn’t expect to be this popular this quickly, so my hiring plans, expansion plans and all have been sped up! I should probably do something like...hire an accountant, a manager and stuff but...anyway you’re not here to hear my business woes.”

“Do you need help?” Matthew didn’t know why he said that, considering the amount of work he already had. “I mean, I’m surrounded by accountants, and so technically, is Daan. You may be tired of PKDE people but it shouldn’t be too hard for me to reach out to other people from university and stuff who decided that the big firm route wasn’t for them. Some went freelance. That may help with the accounting. The floor manager and stuff well...I don’t know anything about that.”

Mathias looks at him incredulously, then laughs in earnest. “Ah...sure. That’d be nice. Just a first step to get a handle on the money so I can figure out where I want it to go, and preferably someone who doesn’t need much guidance and is trustworthy - the goes without saying I guess. Daan would be offended I didn’t ask him but he doesn’t get to complain because he’s hardly ever here. Speaking of, would you happen to know anyone who’s willing to babysit some rabbits too? We’d pay by this point.”

“Rabbits?!”

Mathias pulls out his phone and shows Matthew a picture of three particularly adorable rabbits - one as white as snow, another caramel colored and a black-colored one. Matthew didn’t hear the whine coming out of his mouth as his heart melted at the sight. “Oh my god…” He murmured, covering his mouth with his hands.

“Here, this is a video. I figure it won’t be hard to find someone who wants to take care of them, the problem is finding someone that they trust AND wouldn’t steal them.” Mathias added with glee and tapped on the screen. Someone was feeding the caramel one a baby carrot and Matthew couldn’t take his eyes away from the wiggling of that cute nose and munching little mouth greedily chewing on the carrot.

Matthew forced himself to close his eyes and shake his head. “They live here?”

“Hah! No.” Mathias replies. “The noise is a little too much for them, but the problem is, rabbits are social, they need people around, and these are not caged so someone would just need to drop in and make sure that their litter is clean, they’re fed on time, they’re not accidentally killing themselves, that kind of thing. I used to do that but now this place takes up all my time. Belle travels as much as Daan, Christian, uh, Daan’s baby bro? He works worse hours than Emil and Daan is so fucking picky with who gets to take care of his rabbits, he won’t even-”

“Those are Daan’s?!” Matthew almost yelled in shock. He doesn’t know why he’s so surprised but he can’t really process it at the moment.

Mathias gave an evil smirk. “Oh yeah, they’re not mine. I mean I suppose he tries to have this badass rep in the office, but who says an evil bastard can’t have pets? Frankly, I don’t think they need as much care as he thinks, they’re well trained, but you don’t know how much I’ve been chewed out already for not being with them as much as he wants, which is how taking care of them became something that involved more than three people! So I tell him, ‘you got pet rabbits and you’re the one who decided it was okay to fly everywhere’ and what does he do? Gets a new rabbit ‘oh they’re social! The third should make them happier!’ Damnit man that isn’t the point!”

Matthew’s jaw has dropped by now, trying to imagine these two adult men who look like posterboys for GQ magazine, having a spat over the proper care of pet bunnies. Trying to imagine Daan, the man who makes managers quake in their shoes, whom the other Partners call a miser, who stole projects from other directors on his way up, who flat out uses the word ‘stupid’ when evaluating work (and fine, maybe he isn’t wrong but doesn’t he know what positive reinforcement is?). Daan, the man who Michelle called a bond-villain lookalike, has three fucking adorable pet bunnies. Whom he fights with his boyfriend over. The third of which he bought because he didn’t want the first two to be lonely when he travelled. What world is this?

“Yeah, sorry, a little off topic, but out of all things, it’s the rabbits that are taking up a lot of my time now too, I run back at slow periods to check in on them! So I really ought to hire someone, but Daan will insist on a full background check and want to see how his bunnies interact with any newbie so it’s not like I can just hire anyone when he’s out of town, which is most the time. Just a little venting there, and a bit of revenge. Because someone at the firm now knows about his bunnies, and that’s one person he can’t intimidate.” Mathias grins smugly.

Matthew just stares back wordlessly.

“Don’t get me wrong! I do love them! It’s literally impossible to be down when they’re hopping all over you but…”

“They’re adorable.” Matthew breathes. “I’ll ask around for them too.”

Now it’s Mathias’ turn to look at Matthew wordlessly, a curious expression on his face that had rapidly changed from annoyed to remorseful. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck...you really are a nice guy aren’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Matthew shoots back, and what kind of people has Mathias been talking to that he shows them pictures of cute bunnies and they still behave like assholes?

“It’s a compliment! I meant it as a compliment. I,” A short laugh escapes him, “Forget about the rabbits, I really wanted to hate you. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m jealous though I have no right to be and...”

Matthew waits for him to continue, figuring that he’s not really thinking about what he’s saying, so it’s as honest as it’s going to get.

“Take care of him please,” Mathias finishes, a sad smile on his face. “Lukas. I know I don’t have any right to ask and he doesn’t belong to me or anything and heck, he’s more than capable of taking care of himself, but...you’re a nice guy, and I’ll be happy just knowing that Lukas has found what he’s looking for.”

The mood is heavy again. Somehow, Matthew walked into the cafe expecting this to come up but the rabbits and overall warmth of the place made him temporarily forget.

“I should get back to the kitchen. Thanks for dropping by Matthew.”

Saturday comes too quickly. Matthew makes sure he’s brought everything he needs for the hike, checking through his backpack one more time before messaging Lukas and heading to his car. It’s early enough that the sun hasn’t risen, and he’s scheduled to pick Lukas up from the apartment that he shares with Emil before they drive out to their chosen trail. It’s an hour’s drive out of the city and they want to be able to reach the end of the trail with plenty of sunlight and time to spare, because they’re going to be having a long talk at the waterfall they’re aiming for and they’ll need time to return to the car after that. It only occurs to Matthew now that they’re fairly optimistic about still wanting to spend that much time together after what’s said today, but he supposes that they’re not the explode-in-rage type. Besides, even if Matthew somehow finds himself angry, he’s not going to strand Lukas out there, it’s just not right.

The streets are quiet at this time of day and Matthew enjoys the quiet as he drives the familiar route. He and Lukas had been exchanging messages about today since the cafe incident. Matthew had taken a picture of the danishes and sent them to Lukas with a simple message “Delicious. Has Emil told you?” Maybe that was passive aggressive, but Matthew didn’t want to sound confrontational to the extreme either.

Oh God he is so bad at this.

Lukas responded with a simple “Yes.” Then sent Matthew a map of the chosen trail for the weekend. They only discussed their plans for today after that. When he arrives he finds Lukas waiting for him outside, tired and tense. Well that’s not what Matthew wants to see. He leans over to open the passenger door.

“Hey.” Matthew smiles in greeting. “You can nap on the way there if you want.”

Lukas seems to relax a little after that and smiles as well. “Doesn’t sound fair to leave you bored.”

Matthew looks at Lukas with the strange light of early morning resting on the pale planes of his face, and wonders how they ended up together in any capacity. “Thanks.”

Before he can start up the car, Lukas squeezes his wrist. “Wait, Matthew.”

Oh God were they doing this now?

“I just want to suggest that we enjoy the hike, no matter what words get said at the waterfall.”

Lukas’ voice is deep and calming, it has a trance-like effect sometimes, even when he’s agitated. Usually there’s a good amount of dry humor involved in speaking to Lukas as well, but that seems entirely absent now. Matthew reaches a hand over the squeeze the one on his wrist. “I agree.”

They don’t really talk on the drive, not in a continuous way to fill up the silence the way Matthew is used to having to deal with when he’s out winning clients or visiting his brother. But occasionally Lukas will see something and comment on it, something that Matthew can’t see because he’s driving and paying attention to the road, but he appreciates it all the same. It’s just enough to keep him awake but quiet enough that Matthew feels comfortable. Lukas and the promise of a hike has this effect on him - he can stew away for weeks with toxic thoughts that may or may not lessen when they meet up for simple dinners in the city, but together like this out here, Matthew almost remembers what it feels like to be at ease again. It’s this calm companionship that he appreciates but it’s probably nature gifting it to both of them. Nature gives enough to fill the world with wonder, and simultaneously provides a solitary challenge as well as a joint one.

They reach the trail and set out, just in time for day to begin creeping out over the land. It’s early enough that there’s barely anyone there and it feels like they have this national preserve all to themselves. Matthew breathes in the fresh air and feels it rejuvenating him after too much time sitting in offices with its recycled air systems, or walking through a city with the inevitable smell of car exhaust. He lets the sound of leaves rustling in the wind, birds and insects chirping and the many thousands of sounds of woodlife that he just can’t see, rush through him and calm him. It’s familiar and safe, in a way that most things in his life right now aren’t. He can still identify certain birds from their call as well as the names of some trees and plants that they pass by.

Matthew’s family loved the outdoors. In happier days, his fondest memories involved camping with his parents and warm nights by the fire. It’s something that his father’s other family shared with theirs, which meant that whenever he and Alfred got a little too frustrated with each other or their Dad, they’d pack up and disappear into a place like this. Even now, retreating out here to a place where there were no buildings in sight, where he knew how small he was, served as his sanctuary. It was amazing how it lifted him everytime he came back out here - the smell of plants and trees, the physical exertion of putting one foot in front of the other. How it felt to sit on the rough surface of a rock when they took a break, the comfort of feeling dirt in his hands, of how he had to pay attention to every part of his body. Before he met Lukas, Matthew had forgotten what returning to this sanctuary was like, and he was thankful that being with Lukas gave him a reason to make time for this in his life again. That was probably why they were still together in some ways. Matthew feared that coming out here alone would ruin this last sanctuary the way this thoughts at night had now ruined his bed.

They take their time, stopping quietly to observe the birds that alight and sing from the trees, to let animals walk past safely. It’s easy, it’s nice, it’s the kind of peace that Matthew knows he has to fight to have more of in his life. And isn’t it strange that it’s something that one has to fight for when one’s life is effortlessly overwhelming?

Hiking is a meditative experience - the deep breathing, focus on the body, walking in something that was obviously larger than yourself...than you’d ever be. Distantly he wonders if this is in anyway comparable to what Alfred feels on the job. Matthew remains aware of Lukas, and they’d reach out for each other to steady the other if one stumbled, or slow down if the other was getting tired, but for the most part they match each other’s pace. Occasionally they talk about the week, safe topics such as the books they’re hoping to read, if the other knows what kind of plant that is, or type of bird.

By the time they reach the waterfall, the tension that suffocated the air in the morning is gone. Even with the conversation to come, Matthew can’t summon the same level of nervousness as before and he’s grateful. They make themselves comfortable, set up a tarp overhead and dig out food and camp cooking gear from their packs. It’s not fancy - bread and crackers, cheese and tea with assorted nuts and dried fruit. Lukas gets the small camp burner going as well as the small kettle for the tea and they sit together with the waterfall ahead of them, but far enough that its roar is not overwhelming.

“Thanks for speaking to Emil.” Lukas starts.

Matthew shrugs. “I’m glad I did. It’s nice to see that so many people love him. You, Mathias and even Daan offered to speak to him. I guess that’s why he feels he needs to be more independent. He hasn’t quite figured out yet that having support doesn’t make one dependent.”

Lukas pours out the tea with a dry laugh. “I think the issue is that everyone you just mentioned was mostly on their own, well, except for Mathias, but he was an only child so in a way he was on his own. Daan’s parents weren’t married, they just lived together for a while and had children together, then went where life took them. Daan didn’t have much growing up but he’s always taken care of himself and his siblings. Daan and Belle have a similar mercenary self-reliant streak and Christian looks up to them, especially Daan, so I suspect he’ll have his own version of it. So...Emil looks at us and thinks that you have to be alone to grow up, and it’s not like I was much better at encouraging otherwise.”  

Matthew nodded. “Are you sure you’re ready to talk about this? You look...” Unhappy was putting it mildly. It was the kind of unhappiness borne from trauma that one desperately tried to hide.

“You’re going to ask me about Mathias right?” Lukas responded.

“Among other things, if you’re ready to talk about it. I felt an urgency earlier this week but now that I know there’s more to consider here and it still affects you strongly...We can wait until you’re comfortable.”

Lukas let out a short laugh. “Matthew, no matter what happens after today, I’m going to be fond of you, so I’m going to speak to you about Mathias and these other things, and I’m going to ask you that no matter what the circumstance or what you feel about a person, that…” He reaches out and squeezes Matthew’s hand. “If it’s important to you, it’s important. Kindness is well and good, but if you’re kind at the expense of yourself, it doesn’t help anyone and I don’t want to see the anger you may be capable of because I abused your patience. So be honest if something bothers you. Don’t hide it for anyone sake.”

These were the most words at one time that Matthew could remember Lukas saying, which meant a lot. He found he had little to say, so he just squeezed the hand back and nodded. “I’ll try.”

Lukas nodded as well, looking at the waterfall in front of them as if gathering strength. “Well, Mathias and I were neighbours growing up. Expat communities tend to bundle together, and the Scandinavians are no different. But anything that involves the more complicated part of my relationship with Mathias has to start with what happened with Emil and my parents. You know we’re orphans.”

That had been the extent of Lukas’ early life that he had been told.

“Well, my parents died in that accident when Emil was still in middle school, and I wasn’t even in university yet. Actually, I was in the middle of my conscription when it happened. I was literally somewhere in the Norwegian Sea. I was Emil’s only remaining family and it was impossible get hold of me. I remember being called in to see the CO and wondering what catastrophe had happened. Even after hearing the news, it didn’t seem real. Of course, they couldn’t turn the boat around just for me. Arrangements were made, but by the time I was finally back with Emil…”

Matthew knew that the Bondeviks had been living in Canada, Lukas’ father also worked for NorgeOlje and was posted there by the company. Lukas’ mother was an artist, a painter from Iceland. Due to citizenship laws and Norway disallowing dual citizenship, Lukas was Norwegian, but Emil was both Icelandic and Canadian. Matthew can only imagine what kind of a mess it must have been, with three countries involved, not many extended relatives to rely on and Lukas not even being employed at the time.

“So he was alone for a few days.” Matthew stated.

“More. I had to get back to land, there are no direct flights between Norway and Canada, I couldn’t leave until the paperwork waiving the rest of my conscription was done and then there was...I’ll spare you the legal details. But yes, I couldn’t go to Emil immediately. I will forever be indebted to the Kohlers, Mathias’ family, for taking him in. For all that they did. I was never the most demonstrative of brothers to begin with, and Emil and I are both reserved by nature. Mathias was the brother he needed then, which he managed to do despite just having started working himself.”

There’s a broken voice and regret lacing those words and Matthew finally understands why Lukas is so protective over Emil, sometimes in contradictory ways - that he has to house and feed his brother, but doesn’t want his brother to feel overwhelmed and so discourages his boyfriends from helping him...unless it’s bad. Lukas doesn’t know how to make up for those lost days, and he’s been desperately trying to ever since.

“I came back and had to convince the courts to award me guardianship.”

“How did you manage to do that?” Matthew asked, honestly amazed. “You were citizens of different countries, unemployed…”

“I didn’t.” Lukas scoffed. “So the Kohlers legally adopted Emil.”

Oh. Mathias’ actions and the protectiveness that Lukas and Daan also seemed to exhibit over Emil now made more sense. “So...you went to university after that?”

Lukas nodded. “Because Emil now had a place to stay, I had the liberty to get a degree and maybe earn enough to actually take care of him one day. Thankfully university in Norway is free. There were living expenses of course, but those were manageable with me working odd jobs. But if I wanted to qualify for permanent residency in Canada and work and live here, it made sense to study here. I worked for a year in Norway, then moved back to Canada and started an MBA, which of course, is not free and I paid foreign-student fees. I got to stay with Emil briefly but then it was time for him to start university. Thankfully for Emil, even though he didn’t really get to choose a place for himself, Icelandic universities are also free, even if living costs are far more expensive, but he was happy there. My parents left us money, otherwise it would have been impossible. Also, we had so much help. Help and luck. Help that...again, I’ll never be able to repay.” Lukas sinks, looking at the ground, arms resting on his knees and all Matthew can do is run a comforting hand up and down his back.

Matthew absorbs all this and can understand why Lukas never mentioned it. He can’t understand why everyone else seems to think that Lukas ought to able to share this so easily. When Lukas looks up again, Matthew adds, “And Mathias, he helped didn’t he? He helped put Emil through university?”

Lukas smiled bitterly. “He helped me. I insisted on helping Emil, Mathias and his family had already done so much for Emil’s high school. I lived with Mathias so I didn’t have to pay rent or residential costs, while I was studying here and that’s when we...our relationship changed, while Emil was back in Reykjavik. Good times I guess, Mathias was quite a fast riser at LEGO before he burned out. I suppose that was my fault too.”

Matthew can’t help but let out a laugh. “He worked at LEGO? Seriously?”

Lukas had to laugh too. “Seriously. He designed new LEGO worlds and built those giant dinosaurs and ships and things that get displayed. Perfect match don’t you think? Though every night he’d come home complaining about how corporate life strangled the fun out of it, and there were always the pieces! Everywhere! All over the floor, I stepped on them so many I was always yelling so I’d vacumm them all up in revenge.” Lukas grinned, before the smile fell. “Maybe if it weren’t for me, he could have let himself enjoy it.”

There - for a brief moment, Matthew saw how happy Lukas had been. It was in the softness of his smile at the memory, which Matthew had never seen before. “How did...how does that lead to now? You and Mathias don’t really see each other do you? And you don’t like to talk about him.”

“The thing about gratitude is that sometimes, it silences you.”

Matthew frowned in confusion and tried to read Lukas’ expression. He failed. “I don’t follow.”

“Remember what I just told you about not letting your kindness let people take advantage of you? It’s also unfair to those who love you. Kindness can make you...fail to express yourself, fail to communicate and they will never know what you actually need. It was the same with me and gratitude. I felt like I owed Mathias and his family so much, I loved him but...I stopped talking to him, I couldn’t talk to him. And Mathias is...he has so much energy. He’s like a sun, a light that draws everyone to him because he emits so much warmth and adventure. I resented that. I could never understand his jealousy and possessiveness, when I was the one who had more reason to feel that way, but I swallowed that down too.”

Lukas let out a tired sigh. “It catches up, you know. The things you don’t say, all of those things, combined with my gratitude ended up making me feel trapped and imprisoned. The worse it got, the more jealous and possessive we both became. We were turning into terrible people, just by being together, so...I ended it. I had no idea who I was. My parents died when I was nineteen, the life I had planned for was off the table, everything was a mess. I convinced myself that I was living and working only for Emil for the following years. I knew I couldn’t find who I was if I stayed with Mathias, and I knew it would be worse for him if we stayed like that.”

“And so you stopped talking to him?”

Lukas looked a little ashamed at that, still staring off at the falling water. “I may have dated his cousin not too long after I broke up with him. A cousin that I knew he hated at the time.” At the look on Matthew’s face, Lukas added. “I don’t think I ever said that I was never going to be blameless here. But yes, Mathias was furious and since then...we’ve never…”

“You haven’t even been to the cafe?”

Lukas takes another nervous sip of tea. “I’ve seen pictures of it.”

A thought suddenly occurs to Matthew. “You don’t like maple syrup do you?”

Lukas let out a chuckle. “No. I don’t hate it, it’s nice, but I don’t go looking for it either. Interesting line of questions, from ‘what’s the story with Mathias?’ to ‘do you like maple syrup?’ immediately after.”

“Oh. I was just wondering if maybe those danishes he made for me were meant for you, somehow, indirectly.”

Lukas lets out a bellyfull of laughter at that, surprising Matthew but pleasing him all the same. It was nice to hear the laughter after such a heavy topic. “Mathias doesn’t work like that.” Lukas eventually got out. “He made you maple syrup danishes? Probably his thank you for taking care of Emil. He’s a horrible liar too, you’d be able to tell when he gave them to you if there was anything else he intended.”

Matthew shook his head, embarrassed. “Daan delivered them to me. So I didn’t know if maybe-”

But Lukas only chuckles. “Those two? Sure, Daan is better at lying, no, lying isn’t the right word. Deceit is the better word. But anyway, Daan is one a Partner in your firm right?”

Matthew nods.

“Unless he’s changed drastically, Daan is aware of what image and authority means when someone as young as him is in charge. He only sacrifices those when he thinks he can win a deal by doing so. There’s no deal here, so I’m willing to bet he was just delivering danishes, once again, as always, dragged into something, thanks to Mathias.”

Lukas looks out smiling fondly, lost in memory and Matthew only just realizes that he’s long since brought his own hands back to himself, resting on his knees in front of him. It’s as obvious as day, from the soft look on Lukas’ face, that he still loves Mathias. He always will, and now Daan’s words make sense, the warning and honesty. The advice that being together with Lukas may mean just accepting that a part of him will always love another man.

Matthew feels a sense of finality with this because he knows he can’t. He can’t accept being less than someone’s one and only. Maybe he’s being unreasonable, considering what he has to offer, but he can already feel the tendrils of romantic affection for Lukas shrinking away out of defensiveness. Maybe if they had a chance to know each other longer – if they somehow dropped their walls more naturally, if Matthew had time to more fully appreciate how comfortable Lukas made him feel or even if Matthew had a better idea of himself – a couple of years more, or a thousand other ‘what ifs’ and maybe Matthew would have found himself in love and able to accept this condition. But somehow even with that...he doubts it and besides, it hasn’t been years and the ifs haven’t happened. It’s been two months and Matthew has issues layered upon issues. He lays down on the dirt to look at the canopy and hints of sky beyond, and thinks of his mother living in happy (he hopes) retirement, walking the dogs in St Johns, of his brother living not only his dream, but the dreams of countless others while Matthew is simply satisfied with checking numbers.

“Are you that angry with me?” Lukas’ question interrupts his reverie.

“Huh?”

“You looked mad just now. And far away.”

Matthew shook his head, feeling too comfortable to move. “I’m not mad at you. I was just thinking I guess. I don’t feel...well I don’t really know how I feel.” He confesses. “I guess I can see why you never wanted to mention this before. Emil seemed to give me an impression that we were taking too long.” He laughs. “You’ve been together for two months! Why isn’t my brother wearing a ring?” He mimics.

Lukas looks taken aback. “What? He did not say that!”

“No,” Matthew chuckles. “Struck me as the sentiment though.”

Lukas nods. “I was desperate for something new with Berwald. And yes, Mathias and I had known each other for a long time but actually crossing the line from friendship to more had seemed sudden to Emil. I was trying to learn from previous mistakes with you, but maybe I couldn’t hide my impatience, or rather...it’s just that I’ve never really had to wait, or be the one to make the move. But, you’re a good man and I could see...us together and building something solid if I just didn’t mess up. So yes, I didn’t mention the past because I didn’t want to scare you away. Maybe that was dishonest of me.”

The words take Matthew’s breath away and he can’t move, speak or even think. The thought that he was considered so good, that Lukas was afraid of losing him. Even if it meant a little dishonesty. Well that felt entirely new too, so new he wasn’t quite sure he could believe it.

“Matthew?” Lukas’ face hovers over Matthew’s.

“I have issues!” Matthew blurts out. He can’t quite believe he said that but there’s no taking the words back now.

Lukas raised an amused eyebrow. “We all do.” He responds with his signature dryness. “Okay well, it’s your turn. What are Matthew William’s issues?” He too, lies down on the ground with a sigh of relief beside Matthew and Matthew is grateful that he doesn’t have to look at Lukas hovering above him to tell his story.

“Well, I’m luckier I guess. I have my parents at least, though they’re divorced. My Dad travelled to the States a lot for work, ended up having two families and I have a brother. Mama and I found this out when I was eight. Alfred is a year younger than me.” He shrugs. “I’ve never been able to understand it. Mama found out, called up Al’s mom, her name is Polly.”

“Polly?”

“Yeah, I call her Aunt Polly. People still have these types of names. Anyway, she called Aunt Polly and Aunt Polly thought that Mama knew and was okay with everything? And she’s hopping mad at Dad but loves him, so can’t they just continue this way? And somehow Mama actually agreed to try it out.”

He hears Lukas shift. “Wow. That’s...not where I thought that was going to go.”

Matthew let out a short laugh. “Yeah well it didn’t last. Aunt Polly is a sweetheart, but Dad didn’t change. It was almost as if he was given a ‘get out of jail free’ card too easily and just rolled with it instead of learning from it and well apparently the whole thing was about him promising to be a more honest man? I don’t have all the details and frankly, never asked. So, Mama realized that she just didn’t trust my Dad anymore. And she tells me anyway, that she has no idea what possessed her to agree to sharing a man, but she finally gave Dad an ultimatum - us or them. So Dad moved to America, and chose Polly and Alfred. Mama didn’t tell the courts that he was illegally married, in return for full custody. He tried to blame Mama for the separation over the years whenever I had to visit him, saying that he was kicked out, that it wasn’t as if he abandoned us.”

Matthew sits up, stretches and sighs. He now understands why Lukas kept staring at the waterfall. His nerves make him restless with adrenaline. Lukas thankfully, had reverted to his usual silence and didn’t rush Matthew for more before he was ready. “...Anyway, later on I found out about...polyamory which answered a lot of questions but still, it has to be open, respectful, honest. Dad wasn’t any of those things. He knew that it just wasn’t for Mama and didn’t want to lose her. I don’t actually blame Aunt Polly for anything, and it seems that the experience was good for my Dad, he was a better husband to Aunt Polly as a result of all that happened, and they’ve had boyfriends and girlfriends along the way since, oddly no takers for another marriage though, and that seems to work for them. But I just didn’t get it, still don’t and I think that still lingers, I didn’t know why we weren’t good enough for him, especially Mama. Once I met Al, I understand him leaving me but Mama?”

He heard Lukas shift beside him. “Do you really believe that? That he left because you weren’t good enough?”

Matthew fights tears, because yes, he absolutely believes that. There’s no proof and everyone around him can say all the sweet words that they want, but that’s what he believes. “Alfred was already everything Dad wanted in a son. Sure he said he loved me but that was out of obligation right? What father sleeps well at night admitting that he’s not all that excited about his firstborn? But every year I remember him telling me to get out more, play more, go on more adventures, live. When I met Alfred, I understood why.”

Somehow he found it in himself to talk about it, how Alfred was a genius and he was proud of him, but that meant that Al had finished university by the time he had turned nineteen and then joined NASA as an astrophysics genius and became a social-media celebrity when Matthew was still figuring out what he was good at. How people forgot about Matthew, all his life, after meeting Alfred, how he made the mistake of taking a year abroad in the US to get to know his brother better and the ‘friends’ he made used him to get to Alfred. How he had a lovely boyfriend during that time but even Carlos could never tell the difference. “I cut the year abroad short, just spent a semester, Alfred was mad at me and if he were still in school he could have applied for a semester abroad in Canada, but...he wasn’t in school. He had already moved to Houston. And right now, at this very moment,” Matthew looks up at the sky, though he knows it’s the wrong time of day the see the International Space Station’s steady light moving across the sky. “Now he’s on the ISS and he’s the youngest astronaut in space.” Matthew says with pride, this isn’t the first time he wishes he could untangle his feelings about his brother - the love and pride mixed with the hurt. “I’m fine when I’m on my own. When he visits though...it’s like all these things rise up to the surface, we end up being ridiculously competitive over the smallest things.” He laughs. “And I know it’s not actually his fault and we’re both old enough that we can’t blame Dad anymore. But...Al is like a sun that people can’t help but be drawn to, even if he pisses them off. He makes himself invaluable, he believes so much in the best possible version of humanity and fights for it. He makes mistakes and talks over you when he thinks he’s right, and he doesn’t always respect your space but he genuinely tries. That’s infectious somehow, he’s my brother and I’m proud of him, but oh my God, I’m the worst brother ever because we get along best when he’s not even on earth.”

Matthew feels the warmth of Lukas’ arm on his shoulders. He turns to see the other man looking up at the sky, where Matthew had been staring just a moment ago. “You won’t see it. It’s easier at night actually.”

“I figured.” Lukas shrugs and looks back at him, back to earth. “Matthew...have you and Alfred ever talked about this? For all you know, he envies you. Maybe your Dad yelled at him to be quieter and be calmer like his brother? As an older sibling with a bigger age difference who can remember the things said to me as opposed to my brother, I can definitely say that parents change their stories depending on the child. With two drastically different sons, I’m willing to bet that your Dad fell back on that, and no one was the wiser.”

Matthew considers it, and wonders why he never thought of it before. Probably because he had never confessed his true feelings about Alfred before, trying to be a better brother than he felt. It’s a hilarious image, a younger Alfred being told to just calm down and be quiet for a few minutes oh please. He can already imagine his brother’s reaction, knowing his natural competitiveness. Objectively, Matthew knows that Lukas is probably right. There’s little reason for Alfred to be as competitive as he is against Matthew otherwise, but personally and emotionally, the hurt has lived there longer.

“It makes sense.” Matthew admits. “But it does mean that,” He takes a deep breath, not wanting to say what he has to say, but he can’t lie either. “It means that in my personal life I’ve never wanted to feel second best to anyone ever again. Alfred probably responded by doing something that no one could hope to copy, work-wise. Me? I set my goals lower - I’m happy with being good at what I do, and my work actually affects people’s day to day lives, their jobs and whether they’re cheated or not. Al may be trying to save humanity by giving us a future in space, I’m happy with keeping us going in the world we already have. Admittedly, I feel appreciated here, I’m happy that Francis has fast-tracked me. I’m recognized here even if I’m not the best in the entire firm like, well, like someone like Daan, who makes Partner before even hitting thirty. Which is ridiculous.” He scoffs and Lukas tenses for a moment. It occurs to Matthew that he shouldn’t talk about Mathias’ boyfriend in front of Lukas, even if they were childhood friends of a sort. There’s a reason why Matthew hadn’t learned about that history until now and just thought that Lukas was Arthur’s friend. It’s not ridiculous to conclude that Lukas hasn’t spoken to Daan for as long as he hasn’t spoken to Mathias. “Sorry, I shouldn’t talk about them, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Lukas looks at him with those mysterious dark blue eyes that Matthew can’t read. He withdraws his arm. “Talking about them doesn’t hurt me. They’ve been best friends for a long time. I used to be jealous, admittedly, at the thought that Daan was comforting Mathias when I couldn’t, because I was the one who had hurt him, but that’s so long ago now. Now I’m glad Mathias had someone he could turn to, to help him when I couldn’t.”

They sit in silence for a while. Until Lukas says, “You’re going to ask me to talk to him aren’t you?”

Matthew laughs. “I can’t be the first to suggest it. Sounds like you want to and that makes sense I mean, it just seems to me that you guys aren’t...done. There’s so much that is unsettled, unspoken, assumed. The last time you both spoke to each other was years ago, and in anger, when neither of you were thinking straight. Now you both seem to be in different places in life and you seem to regret leaving things as they were, which is why everyone surrounding you both is still stuck in your story, waiting for it to...continue or end but none of that has happened. It would be different if you guys were resolved.” It’s a eureka moment for Matthew but Lukas recoils, his face looks terrifying but Matthew knows better. It’s not anger, it’s fear.

“I’m not saying that you have to march up to him today, but I don’t think I can be with you when there’s still this hanging question weighing on you. Mathias is the elephant in every room, even when I didn’t know about him, I could feel something tense, something I didn’t know but was important.” Lukas looks even more terrifying, but Matthew soldiers on.

“I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do,  I mean, I really couldn’t even if I wanted to. I do like you and I do respect you, and I think that...you’re amazing, I can’t really believe most the time that you give me the time of day. All I’m asking, if I even can, is that you just...speak to Mathias. Like...one on one, at peace, apologize, tell him you’re happy for him, whatever it is you want to say that you felt you haven’t done yet, to close this wound. If you can, when you can...when you’re ready to.”  

Matthew forces himself to hold Lukas’ steely gaze with one of his own. He knows he’s right, at least, that this is the right thing to ask Lukas to do for his own peace of mind. Based on what he saw of Mathias, he guessed that the man would be open to such a respectful conversation, if only to put things at rest. Mathias oddly, had seemed to be more at peace, having acknowledged the past and his feelings while Lukas it seemed, avoided it.

“Matthew.” Lukas responds softly, controlled. “I don’t know if I can speak to Mathias. I wasn’t joking when I said we were terrible people together. You haven’t seen us fight.”

“You both have a couple of years and growing with you now. Do you still feel as uncertain of yourself as you once were? You said you had to find yourself?” Matthew prods.

“I…” Lukas looks down and gulps. “Fine, you have a point. I’ll even say that I’m proud of what he’s done with his cafe, and getting himself back up. So I don’t want to ruin it, and he’s moved on. He doesn’t need the past weighing him down.”

“Neither do you. And if you don’t talk to him, the past will weigh you down. Not to be mean but I kind of care about you more right now than him, even if he makes damn good danishes. Remember what you told me earlier about kindness? And gratitude? And silence?” It’s a bit of a low blow, using Lukas’ words against him, but what was the point of sharing wisdom when you couldn’t handle it?

Lukas is glaring at him now but it’s not long before he just sighs, lies back and covers his eyes with an arm. Matthew doesn’t push the issue, so they remain in silence for a while.

The sun has climbed in the sky and the relative increasing silence of the birds and life around them tells Matthew that more people are making their way through the preserve, even if they haven’t reached them yet. Matthew mulls over his words and wonders about how he feels about everything. He’s glad that they’ve talked, and Matthew can’t really believe how therapeutic it is to have gotten these things out.

“So, just to summarize this.” Lukas eventually speaks. “We are on a break, until I speak to Mathias, and say things.” He glares at Matthew. “You know how I simply ache to talk about things.”

Matthew chuckles in understanding, while he himself doesn’t mind talking to people, Lukas seems to loathe it, which makes today memorable. Somehow, Lukas had decided to trust him. Matthew can only respond by being honest, still. “Maybe I’m mean. I don’t quite get why people think I’m niceness incarnate. Is it the volume of my voice?” He teases back. Lukas didn’t speak much louder than he did and no one ever thought him kind at first meeting.

“You have the face of a damned cherub, curly hair, big eyes and all. If we ever walk into a cathedral, I’ll take a picture and prove it to you.”

Matthew didn’t quite know how to process that. “This, coming from the man who literally looks like an elf from Norse mythology?”

Lukas just gave him a sardonic look that spoke loads, before shaking his head. “Fine, if I speak to Mathias, and resolve my feelings...if you’re still keen, we try again...”

His heart thumps in his chest, hardly believing that Lukas is even willing to try. “If you want.” He smiles, he can’t help the tiny flutter of hope in his chest even if a bigger part of his awareness is telling him that there will be no second try. “I suppose if we do we’ll have to keep this up - being honest, talking.” There’s an odd feeling inside, where part of him likes Lukas more than he used to, but the other part is well aware of Lukas’ unresolved feelings and is still holding back. But if...if Lukas speaks to Mathias, who has himself, moved on, and that gives Lukas the closure he needs for both him and Matthew to honestly try again? There are no guarantees in life but Matthew can see himself wanting to try, can see them making something good out of it.

Lukas however, doesn’t smile. “But if I speak to Mathias, and nothing changes…”

Maybe the light feeling was premature. “Even if nothing changes I’ll be here for you, but as a friend…” He sighs. “Because of my own hangups, I don’t know if I’d be able to develop feelings for you as you deserve. What you feel isn’t...wrong, I know that it’s normal for people to always have lingering feelings for others, heck even I sometimes just admire attractive people on a bus or train, but that’s nothing compared to this. Your lingering feelings are...they’re strong, and I’m not strong enough to just accept that.”

Lukas pulls himself up, shaking his head. “You have a right to ask any significant other of yours love you more than someone else. But since we’re doing this and I’m going to walk into that damned cafe and speak to Mathias because you’ve asked me to, you have to speak to your brother, and your dad, maybe your mother too.”

“What?!”

“You heard me.”

“That’s...three people! I asked you to speak to one!”

Lukas just gives him a look and Matthew looks down, properly chastised, he knows what he said was silly. “Al calls me every other week from the ISS, I don’t want to bug him with this stuff while he’s up there doing spacewalks and spending 99 percent of his efforts keeping his very human body alive in an environment that is pretty hostile to it. But he returns to earth in three months’ time. I’m planning on going down to the States to spend some time with him, and of course I’ll see my Dad. I’ll speak to them then.”

“You can’t speak to your parents before your brother gets back?”

Matthew gulps. Lukas is right, there’s no excuse really. “What is speaking to them supposed to accomplish? We’ve put all this stuff behind us, the person who’s failing to deal with it is just me.”

“A therapist then. Whatever you need to do to realize how…good you are. How worthy, because frankly, even if I resolve everything with Mathias and came back to you, until you resolve that particular hang up of yours, we wouldn’t last anyway.”

The words strike him like a punch to the stomach, but Lukas doesn’t stop. “I know how jealousy starts Matthew, believe me, I know how it feels and how it works. I spent years feeling inadequate and hiding it with bravado. If you continue feeling inadequate, you won’t let yourself believe that I would want to be with you, and if you don’t break it off for some imagined reason, I would get mad because of the trust issues. Passive aggressiveness would ensue and the break up after it.”

Matthew has nothing to say, but he can feel the defensive anger uncurling in his gut. “So you have it all figured out then?!” Honestly didn’t he just say that he understood how it felt?  

“No Matthew. I don’t. And here the part where I also warn you that I’m horrible at comforting people.” Lukas lets out an exasperated sigh. “Look, I’m not even  asking you to resolve this immediately, that’s impossible. I’m asking that you be willing to try to. Just like how you know I wouldn’t be able to resolve this mess of memories I have with Mathias in a few days, months even. I’m asking you the same as you’re asking me - to try, to want to fix these things, and then, maybe, we can help each other through it.”

Matthew calms down, his anger dissipating as quickly as it rose because he knows that Lukas isn’t suggesting anything wrong, or unfair. He’s right really.

“Fine, I need to have a think on how best to tackle it. Speaking with my Dad may not get me anywhere, but maybe the...therapist, and I’ll definitely speak to Al when he gets back.” Matthew felt a little odd about the therapist. He knows he has hang ups but they don’t seem serious enough to take a therapist’s time away from people who really need them. Not to mention, spilling out his insecurities to a stranger?

Lukas holds out a hand to help Matthew up and he grabs it. “We have our quests then. But for now, with the sun this high, let’s head back.”

There’s an awkward silence at first but the hike back is long. The same lull and peace that calmed them on the way in, worked the same on the way out. Matthew is grateful, and wonders if he fell into the trap of underestimating nature, believing that if he wasn’t careful, he would lose another sanctuary to his thoughts. He gazes at the boreal forest and its tall trees, older than he will ever be, bigger than he will ever be, have witnessed things that make his own personal problems insignificant. He thinks of the preserve he’s walking through, how awe inspiring it is, and revels in the sensation of being a tiny part of something bigger than himself. He feels inspired, real, and oh so small. Even if he messes up, it really isn’t the end of the world. Matthew smiles to himself with the knowledge that no matter what happens, there’s still one place where he can find truth and peace.

Notes:

Sorry if Matthew and Lukas are kinda OOC? It’s tough to write two characters who don’t like to talk much when they have to have a talk. But I tried.

Also, I realize that I’ve been making up company names but LEGO is LEGO.