#this is coming from someone who has moral ocd and struggles with engaging with ‘problematic’ media

[hadideedee]

I would just like to say, to any avemuji/bandori fans that struggle with moral scrupulosity or engaging with media that has/alludes to problematic elements;

You are not a bad person for enjoying said media. You are not a bad person if you don’t feel any particular way about something having problematic elements.

Obviously if it makes you really uncomfortable please take a step back and do what you need to do to make yourself feel better (blacklist tags, log off, etc.), but don’t feel like you have to completely purge yourself of something that you find entertaining/comforting just because something in it is a bit unsavory. All types of media and art dabble with darker themes.

You’re not a bad person for being interested in things, I promise.

[inneskeeper-receipts]

RE: the necrophilia and beastiality thing;

Necrophilia is a paraphilia that ranges in how it presents and works from individual to individual. For me, it is purely a fantasy, and not something I ever plan on seeking out in real life- one where I am the corpse. I have experienced a lot of sexual, physical, and emotional trauma since I was a young child which has resulted in me developing this paraphilia. Obviously, I wouldn’t be able to actually engage in this kind of necrophilia in real life because if I was for real dead I couldn’t enjoy it, lol.

(aside: I’d recommend reading up on paraphilias and how they really work rather than what you’ve been taught from pop culture, human sexuality and psychology is really interesting!)

It isn’t something that actually bothers me or necessarily hinders me, especially not anymore, unlike the intrusive thoughts which I suffer from OCD, meaning that it’s not disordered. It took me a while to process for sure. Which, by the way, OCD is what I have, not rejection-sensitive dysphoria, but I guess he is going to armchair diagnose me now? That’s... not really necessary, because I was always very open about my mental health struggles with him throughout the duration of our relationship.

Paraphilias, while often taboo, are separate from morality. We are not our thoughts, our compulsions, or our desires; they do not solely define us, nor do they make us “good” or “bad”. They just are. What matters is our behavior, which only you can be accountable for at the end of the day.

I don’t have any proof to say that Innes would intentionally disclose secretive information about himself only through voice calls on purpose so that I would never have any proof of anything he told me or anything he did to me. I want to believe that this is not some intentional thing he did, but there were plenty of highly calculated fucked up things he did to me that took time. But I don’t have a confession or “proof” of this specific thing. I have some screenshots and scraps here and there. It has been a few years, I have been through a lot. Now that drama-stirrers have gotten involved and he’s directly responding to my claims and experiences, I wouldn’t be surprised if he also started dirty deleting from old chats. I wish I’d had the foresight to archive them in some way, but this whole situation is a lot.

all of that preempting aside, if Innes was merely a paraphile, or just had problematic kinks/was into fictional feral, that would be his personal business and I would not bring it up. It’s not our thoughts, it’s our behaviors that matter. If it affects your life/disturbs you (if it is disordered, in other words) then you should be encouraged to seek help for it, but you can’t force someone to it. However, he admitted to engaging in beastiality with real-life dogs over voice chats on Discord, multiple times.

He even talked about wanting to get a dog to be his “partner.” I told him this made me uncomfortable and upset but sometimes I felt like I had no other choice but to humor him on this stuff, because he always found a way to twist things around and make me feel guilty for not being okay with his pro-contact zoophilia. like how he would say that his came from trauma too. the problem isn’t the paraphilia itself but that if you act on it you’re taking advantage of an animal’s trust in you when they can’t possibly consent in real life, and even if you have a paraphilia as a result of a traumatic event that doesn’t really give you a free pass to do things that hurt other living beings.

When it comes to this all I can do is tell my truth and know that the people who believe me will, and they’ll have my back, and that is what matters ultimately. I just am tired of being told to keep quiet about my experiences, I need to be able to talk about this actually. I’m scared, for now, but it’ll get better and I’ll feel better for finally being able to admit to myself and to others that what I went through wasn’t okay.

The screenshotted discussion was being had in a channel explicitly for serious discussions, and I did not and still don’t allow minors into my discord servers. This wasn’t something I had just brought up in a general chat, for no reason. (& it’s also not something I’m terribly secretive about.) We frequently had discussions like that in that chat, but multiple people privately messaged me to tell me that Innes at this specific instance made them uncomfortable, and we changed the subject.

I cropped out the part where I was discussing necrophilia because it just wasn’t relevant, because I’m not fucking real-life corpses unlike how Innes confessed to engaging in real-life beastiality.

Originally, this sideblog was just a dumping grounds for my thoughts on this matter, and I’ve privated/deleted/edited a lot of my posts for a variety of reasons. I don’t remember everything I’ve posted on here all of the time, but nonetheless, I should’ve included a better, more complete and coherent context of the screenshots for the sake of clarity and transparency, and I’m sorry for any confusion or anger I might’ve caused by not doing that.

I went back and edited some posts earlier, and tumblr is finally showing the option to make things unrebloggable (I literally haven’t had it on any of my blogs until like, this morning. webbed site. still don’t have the option on the app.) so I might go and make a bunch of my posts unrebloggable because if people are just going to try and stir drama rather than actually like. engage or listen to me or do anything useful/constructive, I don’t really want any part of it tbh

[harbingrs]

Need to recharge, light from the stars Won't really reach anything, will it? Binary capsules of all human culture Science and history and headless sculptures Stories of monkeys and digital religions Like a note on the ankle of the last living pigeon

Bell. he/him. 30ish.

About me:

Bell / Rue

bi²

He/him by default (but any pronouns are fine)

30-ish years old

White & not from the US

Part of a DID system (I don't do syscourse and don't find it relevant)

Disabled (physical and mental)

Sideblogs:

s******s - System sideblog

welcomedtohome - Interiors/aesthetic sideblog

itsgonnabeagreatgiorno - Animal Crossing sideblog

Image ID: A four-panel Peanuts comic featuring Snoopy the beagle typing on a typewriter. Text reads: Gentlemen, I have just completed my new novel. It is so good, I am not even going to send it to you. [Pause] Why don't you just come and get it? End ID.

About this blog:

Mostly reblogs. Tags to look at or block as needed:

Personal posts [#posts]

Music [#music]

Poetry/quotes/etc [#muses]

Disability & chronic illness

Family trauma

Religious trauma [#exvangelical or #ex christian]

Therapy abuse [#therapy abuse or #psych abuse]

More graphic NSFT posts and images are tagged, but suggestive jokes or general references aren't. Basically, I follow the original guideline of "things that may get you in trouble if someone looks over your shoulder at work". This blog is not intended for minors.

If you need something specific tagged (or tagged differently), please let me know directly, as I may not see (or remember) based on your bio.

Important to know:

I have (moral) OCD + ADHD + dissociative memory issues. This impacts things like:

What information I can put on a public bio

What I can and can't reblog/boost/etc

Remembering usernames I shouldn't reblog from

Remembering even 'obviously problematic' artists/bands/etc

Being able to personally add image descriptions to posts

tl;dr - Please be nice enough not to assume the worst. If you have concerns or questions, feel free to send a message or ask (anon is fine)

More detail on what to keep in mind:

I don't have a public DNI or list of my personal ideologies in my bio. I do block people I'm uncomfortable with interacting or following (and yes, that's probably along the lines of 'general DNI criteria'). Nothing is a secret, so if you need to know anything that's not listed here to determine if you're comfortable following me, feel free to send me an ask or message (genuine).

I'm chronically offline, so I'm not involved in online discourse subcultures or in the loop with a lot of things. I'm not involved in system discourse or ship discourse so I'm not 'aligned' with anything. Ditto with knowing who is problematic on Tumblr. I also have significant memory issues and struggle to remember even "obviously problematic" usernames, so if I reblog from someone I shouldn't, just let me know - it's not on purpose.

I can't typically "boost" posts or reblog things because I "should" be talking about them. It doesn't mean I'm not paying attention or don't care. This is not a minor thing where I'm 'prioritising my mental health' so I don't feel sad - this is losing my ability to work/survive because I can't regulate my thoughts/actions and level of engagement. As an example: I can't personally add image IDs to reblogs, because if I start doing it just 'sometimes' or 'when I can', I quickly have to do it all day every day, on every post, even if I'm missing work to do it. Yes, that sounds ridiculous, but OCD is ridiculous. I wish I was in a better place with it - but at this point in my life, I'm not, and I can't 'bootstraps' my way around it because something is important, or the right thing to do (because with moral OCD, that's exactly why it has that effect on me).

Posts and reblogs are grounded in my personal experience - for example, my traumatic experiences with therapy/the psych industry and Christianity. If that isn't your experience, that's okay! Any kind of "anti psych" post is intended to critique the industry as it currently is, and speak honestly about the loopholes and pitfalls that cause it to fail or harm many people, even when it helps some. The goal is not to dissuade people from 'getting help' or remove access for those who find it genuinely helpful. Instead, I think everyone is entitled to a positive, safe experience when seeking support with their mental health - including those who are most vulnerable and/or have stigmatised conditions. -- *If "not remembering" sounds like a copout - things often aren't distinct to me with any certainty. A username will sound familiar, but I don't know how or why. Basically, this disclaimer is here to avoid my brain telling me I need to thoroughly vet the OP of every post I reblog, lest I fall prey to Moral Badness (because believe me, I do not have that kind of free time).