#this is incoherent my thoughts are jumping around but this is typed off the dome so sorry about that

[gideongrovel]

rambling vent (still on my trip tho, sorry for the inactivity for those who didn't know)

Last full on my trip rn but i am feeling exhausted,,,, 😭😭😭😭 Tomorrow will be heading home,,, thinking about all the airport stuff has me stressed (not the flying part, I like being high up, its just like the security and people stress me),,, 😓

The trip has been fun mostly,,, but not relaxing in the slightest 😓😓😓 Its been nice to see my older brother since we can geek out about OP together in person, and he like gave me some gifts for it,,,,, but without getting into it,,, there are reasons i dont like being around him either,,, so its a mixed bag 🫤 and my dad is such a misogynist and bigot having to hear the shit he says and not being able to leave when he says it is infuriating 🙄🙄🙄🙄

I am such a shut in, and normally leave the house like maybe 5 times a month if even that,,,,, so going out and about for 9 days straight is alot for me- i know thats nothing to most "normal" people,,,,, but for someone in my life/situation it's alot,,,,,,, being around people and being active so much has me drained completely 😓😓😓😓😓 Im feeling such burn out,,,, and I miss my cats (especially my lil baby ET,, she is very codependent towards me so I've been worried how she has been holding up 😢), also since i was scared of them getting broken or stolen on the plane- i didnt bring my Chop or Brook figures and i miss them too!! I need my wife and bf 😭😭😭😭 Not bring my main comfort items was a big mistake,,, but the stress of something happening also was too much- so I couldn't win either way,,,,

I always feel awful when I get this level of burn out / sad feeling on a trip,,,, they're supposed to be a good time but I've held back from crying a few times now,,,, I just wanna be home in my own bed, shower where im familiar with, being able to do stuff on my own pace, just like my regular routine stuff in general 😭😭😭😭 At the same time going back home means having to deal with some family i dislike being around- which I am not looking forward to,,,, 😓😓😓

Burnout sometimes will put me in depressive episodes, and feeling emotional highs my crashing is always bad,,,,,, 😓😓😓😓😓😓😓😓

ALSO I MISS GETTING ON HERE!! IM MISSING SO MUCH NOT BEING ABLE TO CHECK ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 tumblr crashes too much for me to check anything on my phone,,,, i really hope yall are doing good,,,, like idk if my absence has been noticable or cared about? (/nm) but i do miss yall alot,,, miss seeing your creations and ships 😭😭😭 it will be too much to check 9days worth on everyone pages so i am sorry for everything i missed

-

But anyways just have to make it though today and the flights tomorrow 😭 then things can go back to normal

[fishysaltine]

Isn’t It Love?

She should have noticed. Should have done something to stop it, shouldn’t have ignored it until the last moment where she couldn’t. 

But she did. 

It’s not even that she didn’t notice at some point. Definitely not after the first time the warlock had walked the void, or the second, or the third. 

But she did after the fourth. And all the times after that.

She watched as the Maren went silent and slack-jawed as her eyes glazed over, watched as the warlock stared at walls for minutes on end, going completely still. Heard as she exclaimed to the open air in something that wasn’t even close to resembling English or Eliksni. Watched Maren push herself for days on end without sleep, only to crash and wake up hours later screaming and thrashing.

Watched as Maren strangled herself in her sleep. (Khaleesi never let her sleep by herself after that)

Maren faded more and more every day. She was losing herself to the void more and more with every passing moment.

Khaleesi had no idea what to do about it, no clue how to stop it. (She became desperate once the seizures started. Once Maren began to mumble incoherently and consistently, movements slow and ragdoll like.)

So Khaleesi did something she never thought, in any century or dynasty, she would do. 

She turned to the Vanguard. More specifically, Ikora Rey.

Khaleesi found the Warlock Vanguard in the Bazaar, speaking with another guardian. Khaleesi waited before stalking up to the Warlock. She tipped her head. Cautiously or curiously, Khaleesi would never know. 

“I need your… advice,” She didn’t need help, just a suggestion, a hint, something. 

“Advice on what, exactly?” Rey questioned, a definite edge to her voice.

“My friend, she’s…” The Titan sighed, searching for the right words “I think… I think she’s losing herself to the void and I- don’t know what to do,” Khaleesi swallowed, forcing an imaginary lump of emotions in her throat down. “I don’t need help, but I need a suggestion, something, anything that might help me save her.” 

Ikora sighed, turning to straighten a stack of papers on her desk, glancing up to The Traveler. “Io,” she glanced back to the Exo “I know your feelings of The Traveler, but I believe to help your friend,” Rey stopped for a moment, voice wavering as if she knew something “you must take her to Io,” Khaleesi scrubbed a hand down her face, before mumbling a ‘thank you’.

The Warlock nodded “I wish you luck on this journey, Khaleesi-4.” 

Khaleesi chuckled as she walked away. She was going to need as much luck as she could get. 

Khaleesi leaned back in her seat with an exasperated groan, turning to watch Maren in the cockpit. She was doing the same thing she’d been doing for the past five days now, staring at the opposite wall and mumbling.

Once they reached the surface of Io Khaleesi went back to Maren, crouching in front of her. Maren stared through Khaleesi, giving her shivers. She pulled off her glove and pressed the palm of her hand to Maren's cheek, and even though her dull sensors she could pick up that Maren’s skin was cold and clammy. In the terrible lighting of her ship, she could see how pale the human was, her eyes and cheeks sunken in.

Khaleesi slid her hand to the nape of the human's neck before picking her up, stuttering as Maren shoved her face under the Titan’s chin, still muttering. Khaleesi smothered the rising hope in her chest that her-

That Maren was still in there, clinging to the edges of her shattering mind.

Khaleesi noticed once they transmitted onto Io that something felt different. She couldn’t name it, but she could feel it, buzzing inside her. She noted when she walked in a certain direction, it grew. 

But was she supposed to chase that feeling, or run from it?

Khaleesi dimly listened to Maren’s quiet muttering as they walked, spotting a Blight in the distance. She felt as she walked toward the Blights the buzzing swell increased.  Khaleesi un-slung the Rocket Launcher that Maren used from her limp body, propping her up against a tree while she went to destroy the Blight. 

Khaleesi slid into the Taken dome, shooting the Blight’s core as Psions split around her. Once the Blight was destroyed, she was rewarded with a Taken Centurion. Annoyed, she summoned her super, the ground shaking as she slammed her hammer into the ground. The Taken roared as they burned and disappeared, and Khaleesi turned around to pick up the discarded Rocket Launcher, nearly slamming her head into a tree. It was radiating light, and she took a moment to address the buzzing in her chest before her ghost appeared next to her, staring at the tree. The Ghost slowly flew closer to the tree, scanning it. 

“This is… interesting,” Her Ghost buzzed around the tree “This is a powerful Light energy signature, there are more around, but I can’t pinpoint exactly where they are… it’s like an anomaly.” 

“Like the ones Drifter talks about?” She could work with that. 

“Worth a shot,” her Ghost hummed before disappearing. 

Khaleesi returned to Maren, picking her up before going to search for another Blight, listening to her soft mumbles. 

She stopped listening once Maren said something about the ‘Birth of Sadness’.

After a while of traversing, Khaleesi hadn’t found any more Blights. She didn’t have time for this- Maren didn’t have time for this. 

“We could go lower.”

“How will that help?”

“Do you have any other plans, Kalani-2?”

“...”

“That’s what I thought.” 

Khaleesi shook her head furiously, making her Exo counterparts stop arguing. She began to find a way to head deeper. Wandering around the surface wasn’t doing them good, just wasting time. 

Once Khaleesi had found a cave she began walking downwards, the buzzing inside her growing like it had when she was near the tree. As she continued, the buzzing grew and grew until it seemed as though it was blaring in her ears like cicadas. Khaleesi shook her pounding head, wishing it would just stop already-

She thought about turning back several times, but the cold weight in her arms kept her going. They kept going, and the buzzing grew. It was starting to hurt. Is this what a migraine felt like? Khaleesi has had headaches in the past, Maren was always there to give her the pain relief injections, give her a freezing cold rag that she could feel through her dim sensors. She remembered a time when Maren had given her a massage with Arc, simply to help ease the pain.

Great, now her chest ached too. 

They stumbled until they came to a room roaring and buzzing with light. There were more trees scattered around the room, and they emitted the same type of strange energy. Khaleesi jumped from the ledge into a shallow stream of water that seemed to glow. She approached a tree that was in a small alcove. Khaleesi gripped Maren tighter, feeling her twitch. 

The muttering had stopped. 

Khaleesi stared down at the limp warlock. Her eyes were half-lidded, she was slack-jawed, her eyes were glazed over. 

But she had stopped muttering. 

Khaleesi stepped closer to the tree, watching Maren twitch against her. Another step, another twitch. Closer and closer, the more twitchy she became. 

Khaleesi set Maren down at the base of the tree, stepping back and watching as she twitched and jerked. Without warning the tree began to disappear, and she was barely able to catch Maren by her cloak to keep her from falling back. Khaleesi pulled Maren closer to her, looking at her face. 

Her eyes looked like mirrors. 

There was no pupil, and Khaleesi could see her own, blurry reflection in those eyes. No, no, they were supposed to be gray. Gray like the clouds, gray like in a wolves coat. Gray like smoke and ashes. Gray like some of those dumb pigeons she saw in the city. She squeezed the human tighter, heaving heavy breaths into Maren’s collar. This isn’t fair, it isn’t fair. It’s not. Fair. Her chest ached, her head throbbed and instead of fixing an issue the Traveler and it’s trees just finished the job of shattering Maren’s mind. 

Maren gave a groan of discomfort as Khaleesi squeezed her shoulders tighter, shifting uncomfortably. Khaleesi gasped, leaning back again to examine her. Maren blinked lazily several times as her head lolled around on her shoulders. Khaleesi barely had any time to inspect before taken rifts began appearing. Khaleesi leaned down, scooping up the limp warlock and running back out of the cave, hearing Taken screech and roar behind them. She stumbled as she maneuvered Maren around Khaleesi’s waist, earning another groan. Maren shoved her nose into the crook of Khaleesi’s neck, apparently not caring about shifting metal plates as the Titan hauled ass to get them away from the Taken and back to the surface. Khaleesi stumbled up loose rock, praying that her grips could keep hold so she didn’t slip and fall.

A hand cannons kickback had her stumbling. 

Maren groaned, rubbing her forehead against Khaleesi’s shoulder. “Bil- summon my sparrow once it’s available.”

“Got it,” the ghost replied, “Just a bit farther up!” 

Another gunshot, another groan. “Just a little further Maren,” Khaleesi told her, rubbing the back of her neck. 

“Here! Now!” Bilgahn called out, the sparrow appearing underneath Khaleesi. She gripped the handles and boosted up the hill, crashing into the walls due to narrow turns, the noises of the Taken slowly falling further behind them. 

When they got back to the surface of Io, Khaleesi slowed down enough to focus on Maren. She rubbed circles below Maren’s shoulder blades, feeling the warlocks gentle puffs of air against a sensitive silicone throat. Khaleesi shuddered at the feeling. She leaned Maren back to look down at her face, seeing her eyebrows knitted and lips parted in a restless sleep. Khaleesi gave a determined sigh as she transmatted onto her ship. 

She set Maren down on a small bench, pulling a thin blanket over her. Khaleesi ran a thumb along the warlocks cheekbone and across her jaw. 

“That couldn’t have possibly been it,” 

“You complaining?” 

“No, just suspicious. It seemed too easy,” 

“How is that Shiloh?”

“Go to Io, extract Taken, set her down by a tree, and it’s fixed? Seems unlikely, don’t you think?” 

“Good point. But after everything don’t we deserve a bit of simple and easy?” 

“No doubt. But that doesn’t always mean it’s good or the best way to go.”

Khaleesi was tired. She rubbed between her eyes in a pinched annoyance. She sat in the cockpit, looking at her worn reflection. Small knicks and scratches covering her face, silver metal standing out against deep red. She rubbed a thumb against a deep knick above her eye, leaning to look at Maren before setting course for the Tangled Shore.

Khaleesi carried Maren into her small hideout, nudging the door open with her shoulder. She laid her on the small cot of her room, the desks scattered with papers and tools. Khaleesi sighed, pulling up the covers and brushing a stray strand of faded pink hair from the sleeping human’s face. Khaleesi studied Maren’s face for a careful moment, noticing light freckles dusted across her cheeks. Khaleesi stared in awe, she had never noticed them before. An ache formed in her chest as her gaze flicked to Maren’s soft-looking lips slightly parted in sleep. Their natural pink matching almost perfectly with her desaturated hair. Khaleesi leaned in closer, her Exo lips parting ever so slightly- 

Khaleesi jerked away, rigid as she briskly walked out the door. Whatever sense she had lost had returned to her in a favorable moment. She was tired and stressed, that’s what the reason for this was. It had to be, there was no other excuse that there could be.

This ache in her chest, it couldn’t be what she thought it was. Couldn’t be what deep down in her rolling gut, she knew it was. Exo’s weren’t made for this, they weren’t made for that.

Exo’s weren’t made to feel love or anything to go along with it. 

Khaleesi wandered the shore, killing Fallen, Hive, and remaining Cabal from the Red War. 

“Exo’s learned how to become more than just husks-“

She took down a wizard.

“Learned how to be more than machines-“

Cleared out a lost sector. 

“Learned how to be human-“ 

Killed a Colossus.

“So by that logic,”

“Exos can love.” 

“Correct.” 

Khaleesi sat, sighing shakily. She needed to figure this out. She would come back and check in on Maren in a few days, just to make sure she was okay. 

Two months. It took her two months, and she still didn’t know what this feeling was. She was worried about Maren constantly. Her thoughts consumed by the warlock, her dreams. (Her face heated by the very thought of some of the dreams) 

Khaleesi wanted to go back, make sure Maren was at least okay. She lost count how many times she’d transmatted to the Shore, only to choke up and leave seconds later. Shiloh and Kalani began to argue about it, accusing one another of being the chicken until they remembered how Khaleesi wasn’t simply a mix of the Exo’s conscious, but a completely different being herself. 

Khaleesi was the chicken. 

But nowhere she stood, at Maren's doorstep and her ghost bumped against her in vigor. “You need to talk to her,” The ghost said, jabbing a sharp point into the Exo’s back. 

Khaleesi wasn’t used to this roiling anxiety “I know, what... what do I say?”

“No clue, but I have a feeling you’ll figure it out.” 

She swallowed, pushing the door open to peer inside the small hideout Maren called home. Khaleesi opened her mouth to call out for Maren, but the ghost of a tongue swelled to the roof of her mouth. She settled for walking through the house, searching for Maren instead of calling for her. As she went further into the house she could hear people talking. The Exo slowed, not recognizing the voices. The lights were off, except for a moving light that shone into the hallway. She slowly peered around the corner, and nearly cried out in relief.

Maren was sitting on her worn-down couch, staring at the tv with a furrow between her brows. Her feet were propped up on the coffee table next to a bowl of popcorn that Khaleesi had gotten her from the city to try. She wasn’t even wearing any armor or had noticed that Khaleesi was in the house. 

The Titan would forever deny the sound that came from her voice box. 

Maren snapped her head towards Khaleesi, her mouth agape as it was ready to receive more popcorn. They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity before Maren stood, nearly knocking over her popcorn in the process. She crashed into Khaleesi, stumbling her with a soft ‘Khal’.

Khaleesi slowly placed a hand at the back of the human neck, rubbing it as her optics began to blur. She shoved her face into Maren’s hair with a shaky sigh, breathing her in. Her sensors relayed the familiar smells. ‘Coffee, coconut, vanilla’. But there was a new feeling that the sensors relayed that she’d never felt before. 

Maren unlatched herself from Khaleesi’s armor, stepping away. “Hey Khal,” she said softly, searching the Exo’s face.

“Hey Baby,” Khaleesi smiled faintly at the nickname, the way it made her stomach flutter. 

“Where’ve you been?” 

Khaleesi shifted, grabbing Maren’s wrists from where they rested on her shoulders.

“Just be straight forward, just tell the truth!”

“Please do, it will be alright.”

“Thinking,” she replied, entertaining the thought of bringing one of Maren’s hands to cup her cheek, to kiss her knuckles like she dreamed. 

“About what?” 

Khaleesi hummed, staring at the ground and gathering her courage.

“About you,” 

Maren sputtered “Huh?”

Khaleesi settled for rubbing Maren’s knuckles “I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently, and I- uh,” Khaleesi stuttered as her courage started running out, looking back at Maren only to be met with wide eyes like mirrors staring at her. Khaleesi cupped Maren’s face, staring at her own concerned reflection in those eyes. “Maren…?”

“Are you serious?” Maren questioned with a nervous tone. Khaleesi’s stomach dropped, swallowing as her face heated in shame. Of course Maren wouldn’t be interested in her like that, they were two different people! Besides, Khaleesi was only out for herself, she didn’t need anyone else. “Woah, Khaleesi? Khal are… are you crying?”

Khaleesi jerked, rubbing her eyes as they came away with a black, sticky substance. It took her a moment to realize that yes, she was crying. But why was she crying about this? Why did it hurt so bad? The Exo tried to process the thoughts and emotions that were running through her head. “I… I’m just going to go,” Khaleesi muttered as she was already walking towards the door. She stumbled as she was tugged back by her wrist. Maren stared at Khaleesi’s hand, rubbing over the armored plates of her gauntlet. 

“I- I didn’t mean it like… like that,” she whispered as she chewed on her lip.

A blossom of hope formed in the Exo’s chest. “How did you mean it then?” Khaleesi stepped closer. Maren shook her head, pressing herself up against the Exo. Khaleesi wrapped her arms around Maren, holding her there. Maren trailed her fingers up Khaleesi’s nape, tracing the ports at the base of her head, causing the Exo to shiver. Maren leaned up, standing on her toes as her lips parted her so slightly- 

Khaleesi leaned down and pressed her lips to Maren’s, mirroring the hold Maren had on Khaleesi’s head. She placed a hand on the human’s hip as she sank with a satisfied sigh, pulling Khaleesi’s lips down with her. The Exo nuzzled and parted her metal lips in the best imitation of a kiss that she could muster. Maren pulled away, Khaleesi following until she laid her head on the Exo’s chest. She sighed, placing her chin on top of bright pink hair and tracing the arch of Maren’s spine as they slowly began to sway back and forth.

Yeah, this was alright.