#this is just a silly little thing I wanted to post bc I love dissecting dave like hello this guy's mind?? def worth looking through

[noahtally-famous]

some Dave family & childhood/adolescence headcanons:

bc I wanna dissect this guy and his mind fr-

(fyi I'm desi (a person of South Asian descent born in another country), and I'm like 99% sure Dave is desi as well, so this is just a note for ppl so y'all are aware that I'm an Indian too! however, if anything at all mentioned below doesn't sound right (and not opinions, though I'd love to hear those too, I mean like actual info) pls lmk!)

uh, also mentions of homophobia, internalized homophobia, and trauma relating to mysophobia

some of these might be subject to change or tweak here and there, but overall, I'm satisfied with what I have!

- his father is a prestigious businessman who was born in Canada—he worked his way from the ground up as his parents (Dave’s grandparents) were immigrants from India; his reputation is everything to him, and he sees his family as a way to enhance said reputation so that he doesn’t lose face.

- his mother is descended from a wealthy family—she likes to say her great-grandfather was a Baron who’d resided on the India-Nepal border—and she was born in London. It was her grandparents (Dave’s great-grandparents) who emigrated from India to the UK. She’s artistic and the lower level of their house is her own studio.

- Dave’s parents marriage was more of an ‘alliance’ than anything. It’s little details that are also glaringly obvious that signified to him that his parents really didn’t love each other in that way—and if they did, it isn’t a priority; things like his mother hyphenating her last name and not fully taking his fathers, the distance in the way they interact, just slight emotional ticks that let him know their love was more of a facade.

- since then, Dave vowed that if he ever found someone, the love they’d share would be real and genuine—ironically, he became a bit of a romantic (okay, a huge romantic). Obv his parents weren’t good role models in the romance department but all those movies he’d watched are!

- anyway back to the family; Dave’s father spent long hours either at the office or traveling for business. Whenever he’s away, their house feels a bit more like a home—his mother unfurls like a flower and her already overprotective nature due to his weak immune system heightens, and Dave let’s himself believe he’s a normal guy in a normal family when this happens.

- but eventually his father returns and the emotional distance ensues, the high expectations, his mother retreating back into her shell, and the reality hits that he just can’t ever be ordinary.

- only one person has brought up the topic of a divorce and it’s his older brother; it’s mentioned half-heartedly too as though he knew she’ll disagree. It’s a funny thing; Dave’s mother does love his father and maybe that feeling is returned, but there’s so much weight and expectations and pressure they’d placed upon themselves that whatever affection is straining.

- his father reacts to this by overworking himself; his mother by retreating.

- (Dave also vowed that him and his lover won’t have a relationship this complicated. It’ll be simple, cliche, normal, and perfect.)

- Dave has Middle Child Syndrome. He has three other siblings and he’s not just the middle kid, but also the kid who doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing (in other words, who doesn’t seem to be able to ‘enhance the family name rep’. He’s just…There.)

- perhaps that’s why he and his father are so distant—more than his siblings are. No matter how hard he tries to impress his father with anything, it goes awry and/or his father never seems to give him more than a curt nod.

- there’s his older sister: she’s graduated from law school, is 25, and is currently an attorney for their fathers business. She goes with him on his business trips, and Dave is so not jealous. She’s strong, bold, and isn’t afraid to look assholes, sexism, and racism in the eye and shoot them down with her words and expressions. She’s like the shield, a mature presence in the siblings’ lives.

- his older brother is second. A double-major in history and business, and 22 years old. At first, he was meant to take on the mantle of their fathers business when the time was right. However, that took a drastic turn when news got out that his brother was fully and utterly homosexual. Naturally the equation in his fathers head was: ‘homosexuality = hate = losing precious reputation’ and the following arguments that spawned between the two of them from this were some of the nastiest. That’s when Dave, listening in keyholes, over banisters, and in other random locations, found out one huge thing: his father is a homophobe.

- (not that that mattered to him. He’s straight, he liked only girls. Right?)

- anyway, their father told his brother to ‘hide his gayness’ and pretend he’s straight. His brother said that’s bullshit and that everything rich ppl do is ‘pretend’. Long story short, his brother moved out. Currently, he lives in Europe and owns an art gallery that his mother sends her artwork to (his father found out abt that once, and that resulting fight was a mess too--but dw she still does it and he can't stop her).

- Dave hates him. He wants to hate him so fucking badly for leaving him behind, for not listening to their dad and pretending to be straight, for being gay in the first place! Bc he and his brother were tight; they were super close and he’s the one guy Dave felt he could rely on and now?? He’s in another damn continent and Dave’s stuck in this suffocating atmosphere and ugh, goddammit he wants to hate him but he can’t bc he’s his brother and he loves him. So yeah. He def has mixed feelings lmao

- (this is also when his internalized homophobia started. He doesn’t care who other ppl love, he just cares who he loves. He’s not making the same mistake his brother did.)

- his younger sister, 14-15 years old, going into high school. Unlike the rest of their siblings, she doesn't want to be bogged down by office work or business drags. With a foot in every sport imaginable and an expert breakdancer, she's already got her sights set on making it professional in the sports category or becoming a famous dancer (maybe both, depending on how good she is, and she is good). She may only be in 9th grade, but words already spread that she's been scouted to go pro. She takes self-defense classes, helps coach soccer and softball for the younger kids during summers, and basically whatever her siblings didn't do in the athletic field, she's making do with flying colors.

- so yeah. After all this, you can see why Dave feels as lost as he does. Whichever way he turns, there's one or more of his siblings achieving great things, and he's just there...doing nothing...not being recognized because he's good at nothing. Just average. At every goddamn thing.

- normally he'd be fine with that, considering that's what ordinary ppl feel and that's what he wants to be, but it goes at odds with the side of him who wants to impress his father, make his mother proud, also stay at the same level as his siblings are.

- he's just so confused, he doesn't know what to do, and he's too scared to take a step forward. He's just some sheltered rich kid who doesn't understand/know cues in society, what good is that?

- onto his childhood/adolescence; boarding schools. That's basically all he's known. And ofc it has to be fancy boarding schools that the parents of other rich kids send them bc despite Dave being so average, his father will be damned if he sends him off to some middle-grade school.

- boarding schools left their own respective impressions on him as well. He used to be made fun of, teased, and even bullied bc rich ppl are nasty and they don't hold back—even to one of their own (especially to one of their own). One stark incident that left a huge mark on him was when he was eleven and his bullies took things a bit too far--you can't put a bunch of kids whose parents are competitive maniacs in a harsh cooperative and/or political world together and expect nothing crazy to happen; this was one of those crazy incidents. Long story short: some older kids took advantage of the fact that Dave has a weak immune system, lots of dirt was involved, a near burying-alive incident, lots of name-calling and taunting, and, as a result, on top of his immune system problems, he developed mysophobia too—which added more to his germaphobic tendencies.

- Whenever he's in a situation similar to the one that triggered this phobia, he falls into a panic. Those first few weeks, months, couple of years, it was horrible; only his siblings (mainly his younger sister and older brother bc his older sister was away a lot) and his best friend at the time would make any headway pulling him out of that trauma. Overtime (and the only time Dave was actively determined to do smth) he forced himself, his mind, his body reactions, to tune in with his thoughts so that if he ever got into a panic, he'd have a greater chance of pulling himself out instead of relying on someone else.

- but yeah. He has mysophobia, is a germaphobe, and has a weak immune system (smth his father considered a weakness) so him asking if smth is unhealthy or dangerous or "of questionable origin" isn't just him being a hypochondriac.

- that wasn't the only thing he went through in boarding schools. But, before we get to that, imma just say after that incident, he learned his lesson—he learned that rich kids are nasty pieces of shit and he's not gonna get anywhere the way he's being right now. So he excels in the art of people-watching, of careful observation that over time just becomes a habit/instinct—scoping out the opposition. He knows who's the assholes, who're worth interacting with, what to do to stay under the radar. Like magic, the lack of bullies dwindles once he starts doing that, and he finds out that everyone rlly does have something to hide—but he's not a blackmailer, he just observes, gives a mental nod, and moves on with his life.

- he often fluctuates with what his father would expect of him, and what he expects from himself; one of them is the lengths to go to stay on top. For example, despite knowing he's not a blackmailer, he'll still hesitate bc it's "what his father would've wanted".

- anyway, he's switched boarding schools twice—the first bc of the dirt incident, the second bc that's when he got his sexual awakening:

- his best friend in that boarding school—the only person he lets loose around—ends up also being someone he, to his horror, gets a crush on. Why horror, you might ask? Simple: his best friend is a guy.

- see: Dave's internalized homophobia. My dude already has fluctuating feelings abt impressing his dad, if he comes out as liking guys, he just knows that's not gonna be well-received. Literally, the one thing he thought wouldn't ever happen does. So he reacts in typical Dave-fashion: he panics, and does what his mum would do: retreat. He basically runs away from the problem lmfao, he ignores his best friend—which he still feels guilty for to a degree bc the one person who accepted him for who he was and supported him, and he just...stomped on him bc of a sexuality crisis lmao. And that's not the worst of it: he actually nails the head in the coffin by asking his dad to switch him to another boarding school bc his roommate is gay. (And yeah, ofc, they were roommates lmao).

- not his best moment, everyone's well aware.

- (and try as he might, his bisexuality (though he doesn't know that he's bisexual yet) isn't "gone" like he hoped it was; it's more so repressed, buried, deep within him, but in a manner that one tilt off-axis will send him spiraling into another sexuality crisis)

- anyway, he's in his third boarding school when he comes across the Total Drama audition flyer online, and decides why the heck not lmao.

- before his younger sister was born, Dave spent most of his early childhood at his aunts place—his mother's younger sister. The utter normalcy of the place compared to what he’s used to astounds little him, and his visits there leave a great impact on him. His aunt, an art teacher at a local school, had a small, modest house filled with sketches, paintings, murals, and the various designs and bright colors were mesmerizing to him. They took him to a world where only colors mattered and nothing else. His aunt doted on him too, and Dave loved spending his days in that house more than his own place.

- Unfortunately, when he was seven, his aunt died—a mundane way to die for a mundane young lady, he couldn’t help thinking; (I'm thinking either getting hit by a car while crossing the street or what is a 'simple viral infection' which turned out to actually be a tumor). As mentioned though, those times left a great impact on him. Made him realize that it is possible to an extent to lead an ordinary life even while connected to such extraordinary. It also made him harbor a love for art—any and all kind of it (except maybe pottery bc it’s messy, as well as the unconventional types like using dirt and the outdoors as tools).

- her death, if I wanna go the tumor route, will emphasize his germaphobic tendencies and his mysophobia. Depending on which road I wanna take, if I do this, the dirt incident at the boarding school won’t have happened, maybe?? not quite sure 🤔

- given all this, it's no wonder he has attachment issues. Usually, he's standoffish, he keeps to himself, he still interacts with ppl but he doesn't trust or get close to ppl easily. But when he does, when he finds someone who he actually vibes with, he sorta just...latches to them bc of this worry that they might leave him, or the other shoe will drop, or smth bad will happen to them. Basically, it's hard for him to let go. He's capable of it, but it's difficult for him to process—heightened depending on how strong the bond is with the other person.

- being ordinary is the center point of this guy's persona—his core existence. it's why when he auditioned for Total Drama, he's labeled as "A Normal Guy". He didn't mention anything abt his family and if he had to, it was the bare minimum; no one knows who his parents are, who he's connected to, they just know him as a germaphobic average joe.

bonus stuff:

- for his last name, I'm thinking Jha??? idk I rlly like it and I think it suits him.

- vegetarian, due to his cultural background.

- hates horror movies, he's the guy to cling onto your hand or arm if you're watching one with him, and def the type to scream at the jump scares and then curse up a storm.

- gore is a no. it's too messy and makes his stomach twist; same with zombies bc uh...the effects are basically overkill for him. (Shawn dared him during one of their scavengings that if he won the show, Dave would watch a bit of The Walking Dead with him. Rip Dave lmao.)

- he can tolerate horror and gory movies, btw, he just doesn't prefer it.

- I've this standing silly hc that he and Noah are family friends; as a desi, let me tell you, we've a lot of family friends lmao. The opposites of his and Noah's home lives only serve to prove that it is possible to lead a normal life where your emotions aren't secondary to the public.

- despite leading a variety of lives, Dave and his siblings are pretty close! When they were little, they used to have tree-climbing contests, which is why, even if his arms might look chickeny, his legs are pretty strong stamina-wise. They might be more distant now with a lot more differences between them, but they're capable of standing together when need be.

- speaks English and Hindi; due to his upbringing, he's fluent in several other languages too.

- obv closet disaster bi; his main fear is someone will find out and his sexuality will be exposed on international television

- likes to garden, but only if he's wearing gardening gloves; he also feels productive when doing so bc it makes him feel strong tackling the dirt to let beautiful plants grow—like facing his fears to let smth else grow there instead. He has several potted plants in his house.

- while he seems standoffish and 'colder' at first, ironically, he also has the tendency to get emotional easily. Especially when it comes to rejection—he's not very good at handling that. Basically he's a mix of nervousness and distant—he can be quick to judge, especially when it comes to ppl who have different quirks like Beardo and Leonard.

- he learned coding bc that’s what his dad wanted him to do. All he got from his father was the usual ‘curt nods’ so he thinks he’s just average at it. Whenever his dad gives him one of those nods, Dave just assumes that means he’s not particularly exceptional at whatever it is he’s currently doing—even if that may not be the case.

- the attachment issues and emotional detachment of his family are one of the main reasons for his snarky self-aware yet also lack of self-awareness (and, at times, rude) personality; I want to say it's like a shield--the snarkiness, I mean--but it's also basically an ingrained habit.

- doesn't like being called David. his father (and his mother, oftentimes) tend to call him that, and hearing the name reminds him of them and the expectations and pressure and everything he cannot be. He much prefers Dave.

[martritzvonmercie]

people will say "byakuya was not bad compared to toko because toko deserved every bit of treatment he gave her" despite the fact that he literally accused her of a murder she did not commit and outted her did to everyone for absolutely no real, tangible, good reason at all. despite the fact that he consistently took advantage of her willingness to do whatever he wanted which just encouraged her attachment to him. and there's so many other little things that are just usually swept under the rug - what about in udg when he was the one to suggest that she control her did by using a taser? that is a literal weapon??? nobody mentions that he did that???? you can hate toko all you want but none of that is justified in the least.

and this is not a byakuya hate post!! despite all this i love the guy, honestly. awful actions and all. but please just. try to use some common sense when analyzing the togafuka situation. they both did awful things (a pretty common trend for danganronpa characters as a whole!! it's a game where like over 1/3 of the characters committed murder, so if you really think about it, morality policing the characters like this is kinda silly!!!). they both also have a lot of redeeming qualities, they are both loved for a reason, and most importantly, people can focus on those good qualities when talking about the character bc they like them while still not erasing the bad things they did (some of yall like to forget this a LOT).

toko lovers and byakuya lovers should stop sending unnecessary and untrue hate to each other's blorbos and instead dissect the togafuka situation in an actual meaningful way together and be best friends. peace and love on planet earth

[theajaheira]

OKAY. issue 14! bet you’ve all really missed these posts, huh?

so as i mentioned earlier today: when i first saw that bitty preview, my heart went “it would be so funny/ridiculous/wonderful/tragic if jenny was staring into the camera contemplating how fucking much she really wished she hadn’t just hooked up with her kinda emotionally unavailable boyfriend,” and i reluctantly discarded that possibility as relatively unlikely (which i REALLY REALLY REALLY need to learn to NOT DO at this point given that boom studios has spent an entire year just going out of its way to exceed my expectations!!! ridiculous!!!) and moved on with my life.

And Then.

(a brief reprieve from my meta to SCREAM about giles and jenny and their HOOKUP. a THING THAT HAPPENED. she is IN HIS BED. the only canon i respect is reboot canon that’s IT.)

this conversation’s been a long time coming. jenny planted the seeds for it in issue 6:

and was subsequently (and gently) shut down by giles in a way that -- at the time, and without seeing his decision in the museum when the chips were down -- did seem like genuine growth and understanding on his part.

when we circle back to giles’s watcher-related hang-ups, it’s framed this time as something that has the potential to hurt jenny -- something that he will always place above her, in a way that initially made me assume that canon was building towards jenny demanding a relationship where she’s prioritized unequivocally first.

but jenny’s real concerns get brought up again in issue 14.

giles brings up the concept of “healing together,” framing the entire thing as just a communication snafu that they can work together to resolve -- and emphasizing that his priority here is rebuilding his relationship with jenny. his decision to let joyce die at the museum is described by him as “an unfair test that you had to endure,” and he very clearly sees the entire thing as water under the bridge now that they’re both safe, alive, and in their right mind.

jenny is very clearly not in that place.

and now it is time for me to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, because THIS. THIS is the kind of jenny-and-giles content that i didn’t even know i wanted!!! they’re very clearly in love in a big, messy way that neither of them are trying to deny or work around; they’ve been an important part of each other’s lives for long enough that they feel comfortable calling each other out (whether it’s giles in issue 9 emphasizing that he’s “always been there” for jenny despite her tendency to shut him out, or it’s jenny in . uh. literally every single second she’s in a scene with giles, to be honest), and this is a genuine opportunity for growth on giles’s part that canon NEVER, EVER afforded him.

here’s where i stop waving my “jenny and giles have been married forever in boom reboot canon” flag for a little while, though, because i think that that actually detracts from the utter amazingness of jenny’s characterization here. when thinking of jenny’s determination to make knowledge accessible to all, coupled with the fact that any comments she made about buffy in canon reflected buffy’s age (i.e. buffy is a BABY), it’s pretty obvious that she would so not be okay with the deal buffy’s been handed. ESPECIALLY when juxtaposed with jenny’s own relationship to duty and destiny -- and the fact that she was herself forced into a situation she didn’t choose and cannot turn away from. obviously original canon never actually explored jenny’s motivations, personal philosophy, and internal thought process (because original canon kinda just threw random plot points at jenny so that giles would have a hot girlfriend, which is gross), but jordie is doing a PHENOMENAL job of that here. it doesn’t MATTER how long jenny and giles have been dating in this situation: jenny is not here for your watchers’ council patriarchal bullshit, and she is ESPECIALLY not here for the fact that buffy and kendra are on death row while giles gets to opt out.

and before we dissect what quickly becomes an INCREDIBLE AND EXTREMELY CHARGED CONVERSATION, here’s an important thing that @ifeveristoday​ brought to my attention: the fact that jenny’s calling him “giles” and not rupert.

way back in og canon, names were a HUGELY important part of both giles and jenny’s character arcs and their relationship to each other. they both had fragmented, fractured identities (jenny and janna, rupert and ripper, i’ve talked about this literally so often let’s move on), and the way they addressed each other very often said a lot about where they were. jenny almost always called giles rupert in canon, very clearly as an attempt to bridge the gap between them; the only times she calls him giles or mr. giles are in “when she was bad” (when she’s clearly trying to keep herself balanced in the face of new and fluttery feelings) and in prophecy girl (yeah, that one’s just inconsistent writing. that’s how jenny’s character flows.)

keeping that in mind, i always was a little bit thrown by the fact that jenny’s called giles by his surname so often in this canon -- but now that we’ve got a pretty solid arc going when it comes to their relationship, there’s a pretty established pattern in the writing.

outside of this issue, here are the places where jenny’s called him giles:

and in each of these other instances, you wanna guess what she’s doing? shutting him out. it’s a little gentler in issue 6 (and she’s more easily swayed), but in all of these situations, she is very clearly distancing herself from him. jenny’s got a habit of trying to pull back and away when the going gets tough, specifically because she knows giles well enough to know that she’s not gonna get through to him on watcher-related matters.

back to THIS.

FELLAS. OH MY FUCKING GOD. i don’t even know where to START here, so let’s go with the easiest one: issue nine set me the FUCK up!!!! jenny pulling away from giles, jenny expressing deep hurt and sadness when it becomes clear that he prioritizes buffy over all else...i automatically assumed that this is her realizing that her boyfriend would have let her die and being horrified about THAT. but the reality of this -- the reality revealed by this issue -- is SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER: the horror that we see on jenny’s face is because the man she loves has been warped by a corrupt system to the point where he doesn’t understand the kind of hurt he’s perpetuating.

and then !!!! jenny absolutely refusing to accept giles’s answer of “this is so much harder for me than you can ever understand,” because he is a grown man with the ability to opt out and she is advocating for two teenage girls who do not have that same luxury. he keeps on trying to turn the argument into something about how buffy’s life isn’t THAT bad, about how buffy’s not REALLY on her deathbed, about how buffy is strong and incredible and jenny is doing her a disservice -- but jenny repeatedly shuts that shit down. “it’s like a religion for you,” she says, like that’s not the rawest fucking line she’s ever gotten to say. thank you, jordie bellaire, for my goddamn life.

and then jenny LEAVES. and she does not fall back into giles’s arms when he says that togetherness is such an important component of healing after the hellmouth. and that says a whole damn lot about what both of them want: jenny wants giles to take accountability for the shitty things HE did and continues to do, and giles...loves jenny and wants her in his life to the point where he’s not listening to a single thing she’s trying to say.

let’s bring back my favorite panel from issue 9:

this sums up my point pretty well, i think. giles keeps on thinking that jenny doesn’t hear what he’s saying -- that if he says it a different way, stresses a different point, she’ll cave and understand how much he loves her and wants to be with her. but the thing is, he’s the one who isn’t listening: jenny is repeatedly saying that she loves him, and that that’s why she’s holding him to the standard that she does. she knows that he can be better than he is, and she’s disappointed in the man he’s becoming.

at this point, i’m pretty sure there’s more to come with regards to giles and jenny. this is a narrative that has very clearly tossed the concept of “world’s best watcherly dad” in favor of “the watchers’ council fucks up the lives of teenage girls and giles is complicit in that.” jenny leaving giles has the potential to push him towards positive growth and character development -- or he could continue to firmly and stubbornly ignore the reality of his situation.

personally, i’m DEEPLY hoping that it’s the former -- and that we get to see giles and jenny come together again after they’ve had the opportunity to grow outside of their relationship. i think there could be something really powerful and wonderful about seeing giles deconstruct his shitty watcher-related views & work towards becoming someone who can genuinely help buffy and kendra (AND smooch his ms. calendar silly, bc she’s sure been having a time of it as of late.) and can you imagine how great 2020 would be with a giles and jenny who have actually learned how to effectively communicate???? ASTOUNDING.

tl;dr: rupert giles and jenny calendar are VERY much in love with each other, VERY sick of each other’s bullshit, and VERY stupid. let’s hope they get their house in order.

[sunsetsover]

Talk about yesterdays episode.. tell me everything you enjoyed in detail lol.

first of all lemme just say i’m SO SORRY this took me so long to get to i know i said i’d answer this like last sunday but sometimes shit happens!!! but you asked for me to go into detail so i very much went into detail so!!! buckle in!!!

i’m doing this in bulletpoints for clarity otherwise it will just be an incoherent mess lmao

(also for reference this is abt the 8th nov ep aka the ‘you’re my boyfriend’ ep!)

ok so let me preface by saying i fuckin adored this ep it’s like god tier for me rn i love ben and pam’s relationship so mf much i hope she comes back soon

like the fact that she just knew!! she knew smth was going on w callum and ben more or less straight away and ok granted those two were not exactly being subtle what with the domestic they were having in the middle of the albert but u know... for all she knew callum was straight and had just broken up w whitney so the fact that she knows ben well enough to just be able to Know smth was goin on despite all of that?? i love that it says so much abt their relationship!!

and then her being the nan that she is and taking it upon herself to fish for information with jay like ‘callum seems nice.... shame abt whitney 👀’ and then jay covering for their asses by not saying anything but pam is Not Stupid and jay was also tellingly vague so she was instantly like i see 👀👀

and then ben entering the parlour shouting about ‘bring out your dead’ or w/e it is he says like the little shit he is and pam rolling her eyes and just the easy affection of that whole interaction like her gently slapping his face and calling him a little devil like ur damn right he is!! almost literally!! but there’s sm overt affection and love there and it’s so nice to see bc ben doesn’t really get that from anyone else (he does from callum now, and jay in certain situations, but it’s just different u know?? like u dont even see that energy from his own mum v often so it’s just... nice to see idk)

like i just love her she has such nan energy and it’s so comforting and warm and she needs to be around forever not just for ben but for jay and lola and also callum like ? pls come back forever pam

ben innocently trying to help callum out by getting him promoted to manager when he hears jay is gonna take a step back like!! he was really just tryna help bc he knew callum was struggling w money... and alright, he probably shouldn’t have meddled and i get why callum wasn’t happy abt it (i’ll get to that) but i also truly believe that that wasn’t him tryna control the situation or interfere or whatever but him genuinely trying to help out his bf and jay was gonna take a step back anyway so it wasn’t even like he was the one to suggest it or anything idk i just thought as misguided as it might have been it was very sweet and thoughtful

also the fact that ben’s reaction to jay being like ‘i suppose callum could be ready to be a manager’ was basically ‘yeah man have you seen him in that suit!!! he makes my dick hard!!!’ like !!!!!!! he was so sincere and enthusiastic as well like he’s fucking diabolical i love him sm ..... pair that with jay’s reaction basically just being like ‘........................ anyways’ sdkfjsdkfsl iconic scene

and then later!!!! you’ve got ben practically chasing callum into the parlour when he sees him go in there!! he’s so excited to see callum and tell him the good news abt the promotion!! bc he’s done good!!! he’s helping!!! bc he knows damn well he’s in the doghouse bc of what had happened with pam and like the energy he radiated when he walked into that parlour was very much ‘i am coming to u w my tail between my legs bc i know i fucked up but instead of saying sorry i’m going to give u the sad eyes and hope u relent’ and like u can see he was practically buzzing out of his skin as he waited for jay to tell him abt the promotion and he’s looking at callum like ‘look! look at what i did!! i’m fixing it! i’m making up for my mistake!’ bc this is obviously how he thinks he can fix things instead of idk having a conversation and talking abt things but!!! i love it ben’s so cute

but ofc it backfires bc callum doesn’t want ben to fix things!! he doesn’t need ben fixing things!! he can look after himself! and we the audience know it wasn’t like ben went to jay and was like ‘you need to promote callum bc he’s struggling with money’, it was more of a two birds one stone situation. but ofc callum doesn’t know that, and it comes across very much as ben meddling and also - as callum says - very hot and cold. like ben can’t tell pam abt their relationship and will ignore him for hours but will (seemingly) wade in like some kind of knight in shining armour bc callum said he’s having money troubles? nah. i said it at the time but i completely agree w callum’s reaction, i would have reacted the same way if i were him. and maybe on any other day callum wouldn’t have reacted so strongly, but after what had happened that morning w pam it’s completely understandable why he goes off on one.

and like poor ben is so confused like he obviously really thought this would be good news and put him back in callum’s good graces but ofc it doesn’t bc what callum needed was an explanation and apology. and you can see how confused and crestfallen he is bc he doesn’t want to fight w callum and he really didn’t want to make things worse but he evidently has and not only that but jay is there witnessing his massive fuck up in action. and u can just tell from the body language that he straight up doesn’t know what to do or say so he’s just kinda floundering bc he really thought he could fix what had happened with pam bc what? he half talked jay into giving callum a promotion? bless him lmao

then he goes full grovel mode - even if he is still very ben about it - and is leaving him voicemails (meaning he’s tried to call him multiple times, he probably tried texting too lmao) and moping abt in the cafe looking all sad and stressed and it’s just so good bc he knows he fucked up and he’s trying not to let it fester which is a v good and v adult thing to do. plus the juxtaposition of ben being like ‘u know ur gonna forgive me so stop being a diva and call me back’ and then that soft little ‘please 🥺’ tacked on the end??? delicious

and then pam walking up to him and standing there and just sighing. like not a word, she just stands there and sighs like dkjfkjsdkfjlsdkf mood !!

no but ok that whole scene of ben and pam in the cafe really had me welling up like just. everything about it. the layers to it all. and i won’t sit here and dissect every little thing even tho i probably could bc we’d be here all day but like just. all of it.

like pam’s exasperation at ben not telling her about him and callum (bc obviously she’s found out from someone - probably honey, who wouldn’t think to lie abt it if pam asked outright), ben not even being marginally surprised that she knows bc even he must know how obvious he’s been, and she was bound to find out from someone. the fact that he jumped when she raised her voice and pointed at him - i could make a whole separate post about that honestly that just. says so much about ben. but yh.... the fact that she knew without him even having to open his mouth that ben was gonna say it was to spare her feelings (like that’s essentially what he says to callum later in the ep). the fact that he didn’t really have a good excuse to offer her and he knew that. his sad little face and the fact that he made himself smaller and ducked his head like just his body language in general (max bowden is SO good at playing on that shit, he has a way of making ben seem physically smaller in certain situations and i love it sm). ben being like ‘idk i thought it’d be easier’ and pam immediately being like ‘yeah for u not callum!!!’ like the ‘u silly boy!!’ was so heavily implied throughout this whole scene u can practically taste it.

and pam! pam manages to effectively have a go at ben and call him out on his shit without belittling him or being cruel or nasty (and no naming names but like. certain mothers could learn a thing or two 👀) and actually have ben listen to her. because she listens to him and hears him and respects and loves him and he respects and loves her so she can have a go at him and his back won’t go up and he won’t lash out because he knows she’s not going to try and hurt him or be unnecessarily harsh. and that’s why their relationship is so special. also i’m still v bitter abt the way kathy handled calling out ben’s shit as opposed to how pam handled it but 🤷🏻‍♀️

like it’s such a little thing but it’s the way she waited for ben to speak. ben said ‘i didn’t-’ and then cut himself off, obviously either struggling to find the right words or struggling to say them out loud, and she just waited for him. waited for him to find the words, to figure out how to say it. she didn’t rush him or try and put words in his mouth or anything, she just sat there quietly, patiently waiting for ben to explain himself in his own time. that is the difference between her and everyone else, and that���s why ben listens to her. because she listens to him - and i mean really, actually listens rather than just hearing the sound of his voice ygm

and then they get too the root of it all: paul. he says he didn’t want pam thinking he’d forgotten paul - which is only half true, imo. i think he was (and maybe still is) just as scared that he’s going to forget paul. i think he has a lot of unaddressed issues when it comes to paul and what happened in general. and i think he definitely needed permission specifically from les and/or pam that it was ok for him to move on now - bc other ppl have tried to tell him that but u can tell from how he’s reacted in the past that he doesn’t like ppl who didn’t really know paul talking abt what he would or wouldn’t want. but pam did know paul, probably better than anyone. and she’s telling him that it’s ok. that she wants him to be happy, and that’s exactly what paul would want too. and she would know - she’s his nan. so ben can allow himself to listen to her. he trusts her, trusts that she would know what paul would want, how he would feel. and now he has permission to let go of the past a little bit and finally start moving on.

and that’s hard!! like as much as he might like callum, that’s still a hard thing to do for him!! you can see on his face that it’s hard for him to digest and accept what pam’s telling him - that maybe it’s finally time to let go. it’s just as hard for him to confess that yeah, he does care about callum - he gives her the tiniest nod of the head because he can hardly even bring himself to say it, but he can’t deny it either. and it’s hard for pam too, is the thing. you can from the way her voice shakes as she tells him it’s time to start showing callum that he cares how hard she’s trying not to cry. not because she’s not being sincere, not bc she doesn’t mean it or she doesn’t want ben to move on and be happy, but it’s still a hard thing. the world has moved on without paul, and now ben - the last link to him in a lot of ways - is too, and as necessary and as good as that is for him, it doesn’t make it any easier for them. grief is a weird and difficult thing and i think they both did a good job of portraying the struggle of it in this scene.

and then them having this moment right at the end at the end where they’re just smiling at each other w their heads rested together and it’s not an easy thing and they’re both obviously a bit upset and broken but it’s so sincere and warm and she just pulls him in and kisses his head and he just lets himself be comforted by her and by this point i had a big lump in my chest bc it was a very real and important and sweet moment and i was a lil overwhelmed

the tiny mick and callum scene!! i want more of them!!! we haven’t had a proper mick and callum scene since before the wedding i think and i know realistically it’s bc danny dyer has been doin other stuff and hasn’t been filming much and then when he has been filming obv the focus has been on the ollie/linda stuff but!! i miss them and it was so good to see them acknowledge that they haven’t seen each other much and for mick to acknowledge callum’s relationship w ben (calling it ‘matters of the heart’ 🥺️) it was just Good i love their relationship sm and i miss them and i need more!!

mick being so happy to see pam was just !!!!!!!!!! like everyone loves pam!!!!!!! please can she come back and stay forever pls

ben’s face when he tried to approach callum only for callum to turn his back on him like that boy was CRUSHED and he didn’t know what to do like he just stood there for a moment unsure what to do w himself and it was Gud

the shot of callum drinking his beer looking all mopey and dejected with ben staring at the back of his head obviously pining even if he wasn’t in focus and then pam telling ben to basically get his shit together and fix this and practically shoving him towards callum while ben’s lookin like he’s trying to psych himself up and mick’s just there looking between all of them trying to figure the whole thing out??? high art

ben approaching callum looking visibly nervous and out of his depth... and then callum seeming genuinely surprised that ben had come over... bye

the fact that the first thing ben said was ‘i’m sorry’!!! ben saying he understands why callum flipped out the way he did!!! callum saying he understands that ben was just trying to help!!!! ben acknowledging that callum is hurt and upset and then explaining why he did what he did and how he felt but still acknowledging that he hurt callum!!! the fucking communication!!!!!!!! like honestly it hasn’t been smooth sailing for these two so far but they always seem to be surprisingly good at communicating and talking when smth is going wrong, at least after the fact (esp ben) and i LOVE that it’s so healthy!!

callum doing the very callum thing and being like ‘it’s fine, i get it’ even tho he’s clearly still upset bc he doesn’t wanna rock the boat but then ben being like ‘no, it’s not fine! what i did is not fine! you don’t have the pretend that it is!’ and callum seeming lowkey taken aback by that :-(

(pam and mick just watching on in the background of all of this like the pseudo parents they are like honestly??? maybe the best part of the scene LMAO)

that little bit of nervousness before ben says ‘you’re my boyfriend’ like he said it in a very sure way but you could tell he was nervous bless him... and then the way callum’s face lit up but he tried to hide it and not smile and play it cool with his ‘you’ve never called me that before’ but then it cuts back to ben who has the biggest smile on his face but u can tell he’s tryna suppress it a lil too but failing miserably AND THEN shy ben makes an appearance w his little ‘well you are, aren’t ya?’ like he just wants to be sure!! he wants to ask so callum has the opportunity to say no (though judging by both of their faces he knew callum wasn’t gonna say no lmao) but he’s still ben so he’s gotta ask in this roundabout way... man it’s so cute

combine that with callum’s little pout and squint like he was pretending he really had to think abt it and the tone of his little ‘yeah’ like he was like ‘i suppose so’.... the subtle banter of it all i love it.... but he can’t keep it up for long bc then he’s the one with a massive smile on his face like bro... the sun doesn’t even shine that bright

and then ben’s little disbelieving ‘yeah?’ like he had to make sure :-(

AND JUST PAM AND MICK BEING LIKE AWWW WHEN THEY KISSED AND MICK BEING LIKE ‘HOW LOVELY’ AND JUST STANDING THERE SMILING AT THEM IT TOOK ME OUT FR

ben asking callum if he’s happy and callum tapping ben’s chin and telling him he is...................... the two of them looking at each other Like That....... talented brilliant incredible amazing etc

pam being like ‘my work here is done’ i love HER

ben making a point of being like ‘pam i want you to meet my boyfriend’ he’s so fuckin cute i love him

the whole pam and callum exchange from the hug to her holding his hand and telling him how lucky he is to have ben and then telling callum that ben has the biggest heart of anyone she knows but saying it to ben bc she knows he needs to hear that too bc like... when has anyone EVER said that about ben?? when has anyone ever thought that about ben?? but she sees through all the bullshit and sees him for the kind, soft-hearted, loving but equally damaged boy he really is and she wants callum to know and understand that but also for ben to know that too and i’m crying just thinking about it bc you can see ben’s face change and how emotional he starts to get not only bc it’s pam and everything that must be going through his head abt paul, but also just?? someone being kind to him?? saying smth nice?? god i’m broken

like pam really almost had me in tears in this scene genuinely esp when she was clearly getting emotional (as was ben) and she took both of their hands and told them to look after each other, given everything that happened with paul, and them both saying ‘we will’.... like that really fucked me up.... it felt like a Moment.... and then follow that up w pam and ben resting their heads against each other and whispering ‘i love you’ and it was so warm and full of love and adoration .... the ‘i hate goodbyes’.... the palm kiss.... the fact that ben looked like he was abt to cry as pam left... i was a broken woman truly

and then they just went on as if nothing happened and they didn’t just have a very significant relationship moment with the ‘i am lucky’ ‘i’m glad you realize it’ banter lmao

ben being like ‘u have the support of ur boyfriend 🥰️’ when callum was explaining he wanted to leave the parlour like he really couldn’t keep that word out of his mouth huh 🥺️

and the way he grabbed callum’s hand but only managed to get 3 fingers and then callum putting his hand on top of ben’s like for some reason that really fucked me up......... like gays and hands am i right

the journey ben’s face went on when callum told him he wanted to join the police.... the way it went from ‘haha good joke’ to ‘..................... wait he’s being serious’ to ‘oh god what the fuck’ was amazing lmao

and then him interrupting jay and lola w his massive dramatic freak out was so fucking funny like the way jay just shoved lola off his lap when ben come in KILLED me honestly and like ben’s on the verge of a breakdown and his brother and the mother of his child are just taking the piss and laughing at his expense.......... i love family

yeah so perhaps i went a bit overboard w this one but i did make you wait like a week and a half so perhaps this will make up for it lmao ??? but rlly tho i loved this ep sm there was so much good abt it and i want to keep pam forever thank u for ur time 💖💖