#this is me coping wanting to cut myself. i still want to lawl

[phantaseaz]

Raca

[archeir-a-blog]

Meta meme: Write about how you and Alec are alike and how you are different?

Oh boy. Shit’s about to get real. (Somewhat because I get uncomfortable talking about myself. And let’s be honest, I’m boring as hell.) Most references to myself will likely be short. Also, immediate disclaimers here: As always, my Alec meta’s are built on personal interpretation, headcanons, etc, etc.

Trigger warnings !!!!  Will mention self harm & suicide for those who are affected by either topic. I won’t go into explicit detail but they will be mentioned and I’ll be sure to tag accordingly.

There are a lot of ways that Alec and I are alike but also, insanely different. Our similarities are mostly centered around the masks we wear to protect ourselves from criticism and/or judgment. Both of which we are highly sensitive to. We’ve each been afraid to be ourselves at one point or another, too worried about what others might think of us should they know the truths that we keep hidden. We’re both introverted and find too much human interaction to be consumably exhausting. We both have a very dry, and sarcastic sense of humor. We were both born in the same year (a month apart) so in terms of Alec’s age and his generation, I understand all of that and the way that he thinks / yaddy yada. We both are perfectionists and aren’t satisfied leaving a project unfinished. We also hate change. Like, if I had to pick the biggest similarity we have in common, it’s the way we both see and view change. Change fucks with our entire perception and we tend to spaz out and feel out of control when things alter so rapidly. We definitely need time to adjust and sometimes even then, it’s still difficult.

As for our differences… well, Alec’s measures of coping are incredibly unhealthy. Not that I’m a pro at it but, here’s where the trigger warnings come in – not enough people talk about how Alec turns to self harm, whether physically or mentally when things get too out of hand. For example, when he killed Jocelyn on the show. He was possessed by a demon and had literally no control over what he was doing and yet he blamed himself so harshly for what happened. I’ve said this before but in comparison to everyone else on the show– Alec doesn’t cry a lot. Only two scenes stand out in my mind of when he’s cried and that’s; at Jocelyn’s funeral, and in Parabatai Lost when he got Jace back. (Some might argue he cried when Magnus semi-broke up with him but he suppressed that so I don’t count it).

Anyways, both of those scenes were kind of related to death in a way? Well, Jocelyn obviously, yes. And Alec was borderline dead when Jace showed up in the nick of time to return the other half of his soul or whatevs. So, I think death in general probably just has some type of heavy emotional effect on him (like to the point where it’s probably related to some sort of phobia of some kind). Alec suppresses a lot of his emotions because that’s what he’s been taught to do. But, death is something that no person; angel, demon, or human, has the power to control. So the way it effects him he wouldn’t have any control over? If that makes sense. Anywayssssss, when Jocelyn died and he blamed himself for killing her, he went up on the rooftop of the Institute to shoot off arrows without any protection and it’s kind of implied that he roughed up his hands on purpose? In a separate scene with Magnus, Magnus calls him out on it and says that he [Alec] hopes the physical pain will overpower the pain he feels on the inside (and Magnus motions to his heart). Like…. Alec did this on purpose. To me, this is just an extreme way to punish himself. It’s the same as taking a knife and cutting yourself to channel emotional pain into physical pain which he feels he has a better chance at controlling. I, personally, would never do this. He takes things too critically to heart whereas I do not. If I feel emotional pain, I shut down and close myself off and basically just find something that makes me feel better. Alec has a harder time doing that. It takes him longer to get over things. Ontop of that, he felt like he failed Jace and a lot of other people. And when something awful and tragic happens, he kind of spins out of control and gets caught up in all the other things that could go wrong or have and just digs himself deeper and deeper into a hole until he can climb back out on his own. In addition to this, when Clary (in a hallucination) actively blamed him for her mother’s death, Alec jumped off a building because he was so over wrought by guilt. Yo! I would never do that lol. Sure, Magnus saved him and Alec made a point of saying later that the spell or whatever made him do it but Magnus reminds him that the spell didn’t create Alec’s fears, just brought them out. And that leads me to believe that he probably has thought about it. About exchanging his life for Jocelyn’s. I’m sure if he could, he probably would. Even if he didn’t know her or owe her anything. He’s a good person with a huge heart and he thought she was Jace’s mother in addition to Clary’s and I think that’s what made it worse too, because of Jace.

But ya know. Like no one discusses this enough yet it’s insanely unhealthy and it’s a pattern that repeats itself continuously throughout the series. Alec’s gotten better about it and it helps that he has people to lift his spirits up and support him now. But, those methods of coping don’t just vanish. He’s still that person who hasn’t completely taken the time to sit down and learn how to cope with traumatic stress in a healthy way. And bro… he should. LIKE WOW.

Moving on… I relate to Alec and his relationship with Robert and how he feels about his father’s betrayal and affair. I’m not gonna go into detail about it but Robert’s wrong. End of story. And there’s no way he could ever justify to Alec, to Izzy, to Max, to Jace, or to Maryse what he did. There’s just not. Robert’s weak. And I don’t know if the show will ever explore it and I’m pretty sure CC won’t but that plotline does effect Alec and his relationships with other people. It effects how he values trust and just the topic of trust in general. And given that Alec has looked up to his parents, both of them, for so long .. it is incredibly damaging. It ruins the perception Alec might have on marriage. And it ruins the image of his father he had and aspired to be like when he was a young boy. He sees the damage it causes and yeah.. it really does have lasting effects on everyone. I relate. I get it. But, I mean, Alec’s view on his parents and his family is a whole other meta (which you’ve sent me so I’ll get to it in time).

ALSO.. Alec’s waaaaaay smarter than me xD but, I’m sure that goes without saying hahaha. Just by talking to me, anyone can put that together LAWL.

Let’s see, what else? Oh! We’re both leaders but in different ways. Alec’s an inspirational leader and he enjoys being at the head of things and calling the shots and he’s very good at it. I don’t and I’m not. I’m leader in the sense that I’m not a follower. (Jace comes to mind when I say this because in one scene he tells Imogen that he’s not a follower. My other son! #BLESSSS). I don’t enjoy being told what to do. Sometimes, I listen depending on the situation but I won’t go along with things if I don’t agree with them and if something goes against my personal values then I’ll say something. Alec’s begun to do that more now but in the past, he used to just sit back and take things or refrain from saying anything and prefer to fade into the background. He’s grown, my pure hearted angel boy.

Alec’s an all around better person than me. Enough said. He has a lot more forgiveness in his heart than I do. He’s definitely wise and inspiring. If we could switch off and mix match qualities, we’d be set. He could learn a few things from me prob (not that he’d want to because he’s stubborn - also like me) and I could learn a shit ton from him. Yo, Alec bro? Let’s hang out. (Alec voice: NO.)