#this is one I've been trying to write in various capacities for five years

[chenxhen]

Being Above Average but of Average Social Standing

The Tao that can be trodden is not the enduring and unchanging Tao. The Tao-Path is not the All-Tao. The Name is not the Thing named. - Laozi, Tao Te Ching

I know I'm intelligent. I've never done an IQ test, because I believe it's just another unnecessary box people are placed into. But, growing up, I've been told by teachers and other intelligent people that I'm intelligent. I've always thought school was too easy, and was recommended into gifted programs. Everything from Math to English, I was either top of the class or close to the top. And I know I'm intelligent as well. I see it in the way I think and convey my thoughts. 

Apart from academic excellence, I also have many talents. My parents were very adamant on making me a "cultured" individual. I was placed into various extracurricular classes ever since I was four or five years old. Dance, visual arts, and vocal lessons were the ones I enjoyed the most, and also the ones that came most naturally to me. I also love to read and write prose and poetry. I grew up performing, and honing these skills. I'm very self-critical (another quality of intelligence), so I would always try to improve. I believe in the capacity of any human being to be able to do what any other human being can do. Of course, there are certain limitations resulting from our genes, but we're still all human beings. If one tries hard enough, the limits are boundless. 

I'm also quite good-looking. I've received many compliments, and I'm very confident in my appearance. I also dress well, work out, and take care of myself to maintain my appearance. 

And to add on top of all of this, I'm not a boring prude either. I know how to have fun. I'm quite witty, and I love to be silly. 

Now, I'm not saying all of this to boast. I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly not the best at everything. I can't play an instrument, sometimes it takes me a while to feel the beat of a song, I don't speak the most eloquently, and I certainly don't have model-like good looks. I'm aware of this. I see when other people are better in these ways. I always compliment people where they deserve to be. I was raised to be modest, humble, and to see the good in others. I'm just very well-rounded, and as a whole above average. 

Why does this matter, and why am I speaking on all of this? Well, despite excelling in many ways, I come from a very humble family, finances wise. As a result, my opportunities in life were always limited. Another crutch to this reality is that I'm a first generation immigrant. My parents and I came to Canada in 2007, after I had just completed first grade in China. We came here with very little money, and my parents had to restart their lives. They worked lower middle class or working class jobs to make ends meet. Our connections were limited to people in these sectors of society as well. The focus was always on making more money and climbing up the social ladder. This is why going to a good university, getting a good degree, a good job, and making a lot of money is so important to us. However, it created many problems for my up-bringing. 

My family was dysfunctional, the pressure was on me to dig us out of a hole I wasn't a part of digging, and I had very few friends. I had nothing material to show for my excellence. I'm also a female, with quite the baby face. People like to judge. Humans are superficial. And we create expectations of others in our minds out of these incorrect prejudices. When people first look at me, they more often than not think I'll be a weak, demure, and simple girl. They won't expect me to have all the abilities I hold. Whenever there's a disconnect between a person's expectations and realities, discomfort arises. It triggers a fight or flight response, because there's a sense of unfamiliarity and fear. The disconnect I cause in people's minds is probably quite great. People either love me or hate me because of it. All of this meant I had very little support from the people I most wanted support from - my family and my peers. I was intimidating to most people my age, and my family had very little time or money to spare me. 

As a result, I've always felt pressured to prove myself. There has always been such a great weight on my shoulders to do anything that would show people just how great I am, and what I can achieve beyond people's expectations of me. Eventually, I became drained. It's not easy when I'm able to see past what's in front of me and onto the bigger picture. I'm constantly helping others, when I lack the most support. I won't lie, some of this I did create for myself, because people just don't stimulate my brain enough, or aren't able to match up to me, and I don't feel comfortable asking those I consider "weaker" than me for help. 

At the age of 18, I began losing my mind to it all. I had very little friends - if any I considered close, I wasn't doing what I wanted, and I became depressed. I had just gotten into university, but it quickly dawned on me that this wasn't what I wanted at all. I was doing all of this in search of something that was in actuality meaningless to me. I don't care about money or status. All I want is to live a simple life, and let the days pass me by stress-free. I transferred out of several university programs, dropped out completely, and went to college instead. It made me feel incredibly insecure. Now I had absolutely nothing to show for who I am on the inside. I was back at square one. It felt like my life was starting over. This feeling only brought me down more. I felt like a failure, and I began to lose my way. 

Today, I'm settling back into who I am. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. The future seems incredibly uncertain, but there's one thing I'm incredibly certain of -  who I am and my value. I'm incredibly valuable. It sucks that most people just won't ever see that. But, I have accepted it for what it is. Society is made for the average person, and those who are on par with me will see me for all that I am. I just have to continue to be my best self, and hope for a future where I'm not taken for granted. Results are what matter, not the journey. 

If you are average, I'm telling you to be grateful for being average. It's the luckiest thing a person can be in this society. However, I won't ever dumb myself down to fit in. The results will be shown in my satisfaction with life, and self-actualization (a little Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs reference to end this off). 

Best to everyone. 

Love, Chenchen ♡

[nycorix]

Do you come up with whole plots by building playlists for your work or are you normal

[agallimaufryofoddments]

I just want to say I hope you’re doing well! I know things are tough, but they’ll get better. And mid-twenties is still very young. No matter what’s going on, you’ve got plenty of time to sort it out

Thank you very much. You are certainly correct, technically speaking; I hope all twenty-somethings out there take heart in your words. I do take heart to the extent that I can—certainly, the unexpected, out-of-the-blue supportive message was, well, unexpected, and I take heart in the fact you remember me. Certainly, I do not have the memory capacity for it myself, at least, not for the moment.

"The moment" is 12:17 AM—I write this having arisen at 7AM (but not risen out of bed) for want of...whatever, but I had aspirations of competence, surely. That said, they were put on hold for a temporal happenstance of fandom compentence, in which I imagined, "Well, if I cannot sort my own life out, at least I can do this much for the fandom" and set about scanning the Baccano! NDS 'timetable' aka "choose-your-own-adventure" novella that accompanied certain sales of the Baccano! NDS game. Except, I was foolish enough to attempt it in the sunlight, rather than with the overhead scanner, and so it is not finished scanning.

(I managed the first 18–19 pages of the novella with my tablet, but that was out of 90-something, and I suppose scans are better with consistent lighting rather than relying on the whims of a sun angled 'just so' in the direction of my bedroom window.)

Therefore, the scans are not finished, neither are my sins. But—but I shall try to do this much, by way of compensation for my own deficiencies. Just as I delivered the new Expo stories, perhaps I can at least deliver what I've failed to delivered, and so, content prevails.

You are certainly correct, anon, that mid-twenties is "still very young!" Having turned 25 recently, I joked to the dental assistant (if I have the right term) several days ago that I was "staving off a quarter-life crisis"—though I'd been preoccupied with such "quarter-life crisis" thoughts for months by that time. It is a tad funny to think of certain Narita character making references to ages... “Can it. The only reason you’ve still got a pulse is that the great Ladd here is gonna be twenty-five this year and you didn’t talk to me like I’m old" (from B! Vol 3) ...I'm fairly certain there's at leaSt one other Drrr!! quote to this effect, but it is 12:32 AM and I hope I am forgiven for fucking-up-ery...shenanigans. Hng.

Thank you for remembering me. In turn, I have not forgotten the other anon asks that have settled themselves in my mind since havng read them—whomever sent the Grimmer-vs-Elmer ask last July, rest assured I have various

you know, notes on it—except that screenshot doesn't even convey the most recent updates, considering at some point since then I rose from bed to scribbled own more Grimmer-Elmer notes on my yellow pad (not yet transcribed) — and on that note my Narita / Le Guin notes have yet to be formatted/rewritten in full (you know, in contrast to my usual nightmarish incoherent such and so and so forth and fuck not) and f u c k not , so..

Actually, the Claire notes/draft were originally intent to be finalized/released in May1aka on the day of the anniversary of the "Midnight Epiphany" post which I think was on the 17th, and I even cut short a virtual social event for that and failed to make it because, we all realize, I fail to meet all expectations—ah, this part isn't a response to you, anon, you're lovely and the fandom is lovely and you and everyone is a gem, actually—in any case, I failed to format/finalize my thoughts in time for that 1yr anniversary of that post—

—BUT. But, I have the notion in my head that the Grimmer-vs-Elmer ask was sent last July, so, so, I should do something with the notes I've compiled in the year since and surely pay my dues. I have no idea whether the anon who sent that is still around on Tumblr / otherwise expecting a response, but, if you are out there...

No, I've not forgotten. It haunts me. It preoccupied my thoughts ever since and perhaps erefore you (sorry, that anon) sent the ask.

Ah, that partly encapsulates some Grimmer & Elmer thoughts, partly other thoughts, partly other other thoughts, it is nearly 1 AM as I type this and I am apparently note in the state I thought I ought to be at this time (i'd envisioned myself staying up/pulling an all-nighter at this time, but now I can scares bring myself to look at what I am writing/doing/what ho, whatever, h, rest assured I will — ah, no, just, thank you, thank you for the kind words. These words:

I just want to say I hope you’re doing well! I know things are tough, but they’ll get better. And mid-twenties is still very young. No matter what’s going on, you’ve got plenty of time to sort it outI just want to say I hope you’re doing well! I know things are tough, but they’ll get better. And mid-twenties is still very young. No matter what’s going on, you’ve got plenty of time to sort it out

Let's just hope that was formatted correctly (I am not sober enough for the new editor to infiltrate its way into my customs) . . .

Truly glad thankee much, I hope to repay th ekindness before the reality hits the fan. Mayhaps a queue of all the B! content I have missed is in order.