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kooksea · 6 years

Text

sound (m);

pairing: jeon jungkook | reader —college!au, fuckboy!jungkook, fratboy!jungkook

genre: TOO MUCH SMUT? just smut, smut, and more smut. graphic smut scenes, multiple orgasms, daddy kink, cum play, overstimulation, oral (both male and female receiving), dom!jungkook but it changes...later, public oral (someone else is receiving tho), nipple play, hell amount of spanking, they just fuck in every way that they can lol, the story literally begins with smut and ends with smut...no between, fluff too if you push too hard

summary: you're taking a very interesting course this semester —sound psychology, and jeon jungkook, being the fuckboy he's always been, has an idea to record you while having sex for the assignment which was given.

wordcount: 13,738 (that’s how whipped i am)

“So Brian Eno invested the music for airports, and this awakened a new era for psychologists to investigate further. Can music changes the atmosphere of the place? We all know that music was used for therapy in many cases, but in this class, we’re not discussing therapy, it’s another class that you’ll be taking soon. This…this is all about the music you don’t even think you were listening to in some places, and how they change your thoughts and again — you didn’t even know.”

Psychology was something you always wanted to study. You don’t exactly remember how you were fund over this field and when, and the only thing you know that in some way you just kind of —liked it. A future with it seemed much brighter, and you worked your ass off to earn a good amount of scholarship from a very well-known university in the town. It was like a dream come true.

That was a year ago.

This year, during the registration period of your third semester at the University, you saw a very interesting elective course: sound psychology. Which, you thought, would be a great opportunity for you to combine the first and second thing about life that makes you excited: psychology and—music.

So you registered the course, to listen to classes and get great grades, of course; not to try to focus (and failed everytime) on the Professor because a douchebag, cunt addicted asshole was sitting next to you, fingering some girl behind the desk, making it harder for you to hear what the Professor was saying.

University couldn’t be better, right?

“Mmh,” you hear the girl’s groans, echoing in the big class. Your cheeks get redder as soon as you hear more of them, uncomfortable with being very near to the incident. You were really, really wanted to listen to the class.

I mean, yeah, a few amounts of public sex could be an entertaining show for you to watch. But, that, wouldn’t be a problem when the class is boring, or useless. Unfortunately, you really liked the class, and you really needed a great grade to sustain your scholarship.

You don’t turn your left to face them, no, because you don’t want to have nightmares about your classmates doing oral while you were in the class, at the time the class is happening. As amazing and extremely filthy (in a good way) it sounds, (1). the girl wasn’t you, (2). you really liked the class (for the hundredth time you were pointing that out), and—the most important fact about why you couldn’t ignore a bunch of teenager playing with each other was because (3). Jeon Jungkook was giving the head.

Your history with fratboys and how needy their asses are were way longer than Jungkook’s history with girls, however, even though you didn’t know the kid — you just know that you weren’t going to feel empathy or sincerity to the any of the frat boys on any of the universities all around the world.

With you recalling some scenes from your freshman year in college, and how you lost your virginity to some fratboy who said that you were his and he was yours for months and fucking a few (or 20, actually) girls behind you was making you irritated, and surely making some bad memories going back. And because of that fucking asshole, you promised yourself two things.

One: No more fucking with the fratboys while you were in the University.

Two: You were surely going to come back again after your graduation, just to fuck around with a few of the fratboys—for fun, or to make them publicly humiliated. (Because of their dick sizes, or the lack of it.)

Fratboys were overrated —because they weren’t sex gods, they weren’t that wild, and it was a fact that they weren’t that thick nor long.

The girl (you didn’t know her name) started to sound like she was coming undone soon, and with that, you thought that she was coming really quickly because it was only been five minutes since they were being handy with each other if you recall it right. Of course, her coming sooner than Jungkook was going to flutter him in every way that it can, and probably will make him think that he’s, indeed, a sex god, but you knew the truth. He was choosing the ones who couldn’t resist, and another truth was that you could’ve made her come less than a minute.

No hard feelings, Jeon Jungkook.

That was, obviously, out of context—because you were supposed to be talking about how airplane music was changing people’s mood when they were rushing through gates and trying to find the right way to go, making them relax with some soft, classical type kinds of music. And also, as soon as the passengers go into the plane, a way more cheerful but still soft music is playing because the airways want them to be cheerful about getting through all the anxious parts of the day…

…But you couldn’t, and the only thing you were hearing was still how the girl was short of breath, murmuring sweet little sounds.

“Right there, Jungkook. Right t-there, I’m so…c-close.”

“Don’t come yet,” he commands. The prick’s voice was a lot deeper now. “You’re not allowed to come yet, baby girl.”

Fratboys.

…and how they always liked being dominant.

…and how they’re not that successful about it.

You were feeling like listening to the same old mantra, just the people were changing. I mean, really, the only spice you’re adding is that we’re in a fucking class?

A class that you must give with at least an A- because you were supposed to maintain a good academic semester if you want your scholarship to be safe and sound?

Oh, god, the class. Suddenly, without a flinch, you’ve decided to ask them —politely— to be a little silent, and that you really need to listen to this class. Courage always comes when you need it, and better use it while you still can, right?

You turn back to the incident that still happening in your left, your eyes welcoming a long lasting image in your mind: Jeon Jungkook’s long fingers going deeper and deeper while the girl is trying to open her little cunt to the man who’s sitting next to her, desperate for his touch. As if those legs could open themselves much longer. She looked like she’s doing some kind of cheerleading practice.

“Dude, can you fuck her pussy when we’re not supposed to be next to each other, in a class, if I remind you?” You not so politely ask, trying to look away from the very incident that is still, by the way, happening in flesh right next to you.

Jungkook stops with his fingers for a brief moment to turn you, a tempting smirk on his face. “Why, will you be joining with us after the class?” He tilts his head while tsked you, and he spends no more than a few seconds to go back to his duty.

“Ahhhg—like that!” The girl whines a little much loader, making you think that not just you but everyone in this class were hearing their voices.

Jungkook slows down his pace, taking one of his fingers back from where they are. A sticky texture covering his long fingers, highlighted by the sun which comes from the window right next to their seats. “You’re going to have to be quiet if you want my fingers back in you, you loud slut.”

“Yes, please, make it quiet,” you add from their right seat, using a tone that you’re sure that the both of them could hear. “Some of us still tries to listen to the actual class which is happening right in front of you.”

This time they act like they didn’t hear your comments, and that was predictable because you knew that you were being a mood breaker—all on purpose.

Her breathing fastened its pace, and you swear that you could hear how wet she is by the sound that Jungkook’s fingers, echoing in all the class. “Ugh, ugh, mmHg —yes, Jungkook, I’m there, I’m there!”

Jungkook adds his third finger pack to her pussy, hitting her g-spot tyrannously until she feels bliss taking over her body and soul. “Come, you loud whiney bitch, come on all of my fingers like the slut you are. You liked being fingering in a class with them, make them earn their prize, huh?”

Suddenly, you turned back to them to see the show, feeling extremely turned on with the idea of fingering in a class with everyone’s inside. You could swear that her cum was leaking through the chair, a golden light breaking from outside to highlight the juices. She made such a mess.

While the girl was trying to maintain her breathing to how was supposed to be, you were still watching them, your mind went another place where you could only think that it had been a really long time since you got laid. You don’t notice when the prick calls you again, catching you peaking through the show which just ended.

“Enjoyed the show?” The prick whispered as he lays down to your lost face. “Care to join us where I actually use something longer than my fingers?”

You bitterly laugh. “I bet that your dick is smaller than your fingers, don’t waste your time, fratboy.”

“You’d be surprised when you see it, beautiful,” Jungkook attempts to make a move on you, with —of course— his so-called “fratboy charms” that never in your life again would work on you. “Are we making the bet?”

“No,” you shrug your shoulders, leaving your eyes from his doe-eyes to the Professor, who was still talking about the history of adding music to specific places, and how that music affected our psychological states. “I’ve seen enough of the fratboy’s small dicks, I’m passing yours as well.”

A villain kind of smirk emerges on his tuned face.“I bet you only saw the small ones and missed mine.” He tilts his head, for maybe the third time in one minute, a signature of his.

You faked a gag to scoff with him. “Yes, I’m sure that your dick is huge and all,” you turn your face again to him, a begging look on your face. “So—can you, maybe, shut up for a while and help me listen to the class, the class that which both of us taking, I think, and would be nice for you to actually listen to it.”

His mouth goes open for a while, and his mind probably trying to digest rejection that he just got from you—while you were giving him a delightful smirk that will make him angrier than he’s already is (if possible, because fratboy couldn’t take rejection). Jungkook doesn’t say anything back, and that’s a surprise for you, he leans over his chair, acts like he’s interested with the class and gives you the prize of your contest for today.

“…So, for the assignment I mentioned at the beginning of the class, it’s time for me to talk about it little more, and maybe I can hear about a few ideas of yours and give you my ideas how to improve it. Don’t feel pressured about this assignment, it will only take the %10 of your final grade—and I will be very generous when it comes to grading since it’s the first assignment that you guys will produce.”

You’re now really thankful for Jungkook to prevent you from listening to the class.

Really. Thankful.

The Professor glances at the papers her desk before starting to explain the assignment. “…Um, so—the due date is a week later, as you can guess. The assignments will be individually done, so no groups allowed. Although you can record the work together or do brainstorms about the assignment, which I’d appreciate if you guys do speak to each other about the homework given to you on a normal basis.” She laughs a little at the end of her sentence, while the class bursts into a peal of big laughter after her words. Of course, no one was going to speak about it. “Again, I get it that you don’t do such things. Anyway, for this assignment, I want you to find a specific situation that normally doesn’t involve music in it, and I want you to add a specific genre to that—and record how that goes for you. What I mean by that is, let’s just assume that cafe’s don’t play soft music in the back, and we thought about adding a soft playlist in the background of a Starbucks, which let’s assume—in a very crowded area. What you guys would do in a situation like this would be recording it before and after the music is on, so we can feel the change. No visuals allowed, just the record. And I want a reflection paper of the work, for around 250-300 words. Easy, right?”

It was, indeed, easy and looked interesting as well. You were feeling that a few ideas were popping up in your brain. “And…for the recording, 30 seconds for each would be enough, don’t make it longer than 60 seconds though, let’s make it quick and easy. Okay?” You nod as well as some other students. “Any ideas or questions so far?”

A girl from the front seats raises a hand, and Professor allows her to speak. “So…what if we change the music genre? In an existing situation? Like…changing the genre of the Starbucks, maybe making it hard metal or hip-hop instead of classical or soft music.”

“That is allowed too—and in fact, it is a good idea. Thank you, Ms. Min, for this, and anyone else?” She raises her voice as well as her left eyebrow, looking for a hand.

Someone else raises a hand. “How can we test their reaction? Are we going to interview with them?”

“You don’t have to,” Professor explains. “Let’s take the Starbucks example. I mean, I know that they won’t allow for you to stop the music but let’s assume that they did. You’ll go there for two days, at the same rush hour, and in the first day, what you’ll be doing would be examining the talks between the employee and the costumer, writing down the possible little fights between them, and even how many of the customers actually smiled or thanked the employee for maybe like thirty minutes? And—the second day, with the music on, you’ll do the same, taking notes…and then you can compare the two. But you can always interview the people, asking them if they’re feeling something about the music. You’d be surprised when the %80 of them says that they didn’t hear the music at all if it’s soft or classical. Because it goes deeper than you thought.”

You raise a hand. “Can I share my idea?”

Professor approves, a tempting smile on her face. “Please.”

“Umh, so…I was thinking,” you start to talk, rubbing your neck out of shyness. “My mom is a birth giver in a private hospital near, so I was thinking if I can do something with newborn babies or the act of giving birth. Adding soft music in the newborn unites or in the surgery room where the giving birth takes place. Maybe I can examine how they react to the soft voice, like how many newborn babies stop crying or how giving birth becomes, even a tiny bit, easy for the mother?”

“I think taking permission to play music in the surgery room is much harder than the first one, and the second is much harder for you to examine to results since you can’t be in the surgery room with the mothers—but playing soft music for newborn babies sounds cool, and smart too.” She purses his lips with a startling look on her face before turning her looks to the class, looking for another hand.

This time the hand that goes up leaves you with a frozen frame.

“Yes, Jungkook?”

He was definitely going to criticize your idea.

“I mean, before saying anything about my idea,” he cleared his throat before switching to a much more deeper voice tone of his. “About the last idea, from my friend, was very smart—though most of us don’t have opportunities that come from our parents.”

See?

He was playing with you.

He was trying to make you uncomfortable.

But, he wasn’t going to win over, again.

“Aren’t you the son of a CEO or something, Jeon?” You chastised, pursing your lips while the class fulls with the voices of approval and some ouch, she goaled in’s over and over again. “I am sure you can record your dad bickering to his employees with and without soft music too. Though if he’s like you, I don’t think that would make a huge difference for you to examine. Once a jerk, always a jerk—sorry, Mrs. Kim, for the language but I had to do it.”

His veins were throbbing in his neck second by second, with the anger that takes over his state. Lucky of you, the Professor takes over the fight before Jeon get to say something, probably something very offensive to you. “Maybe you can stop whatever this fight you’re making in my class, and just allow others to actually share their ideas,” she hollered. “Are you going to say something about your idea or not, Jungkook?”

“Yes, Professor,” he muttered, his jaw still clenching. “Though it may end up with me getting dismissed from the class, an idea is still an idea, am I right?”

She pouts, humming at Jungkook’s words. “As long as you don’t offer something illegal like taking drugs or something, you wouldn’t be dismissed.”

“I don’t think sex is illegal,” he dared from the blue, with a little smirk on his face. “And I think, besides from a few of us, it’s something that we try to do on a normal basis.” Jungkook, intentionally, looks over you and locks his eyes to yours when he mentions the ones that don’t get to lay.

That bastard.

“And if I’m allowed, I would want to choose how music affects the human orgasm—though, I don’t think I’m allowed to record it.”

He caught the Professor off guard by using the very well known voice tone that highlights the part that he's “probably” not allowed to do that—tyring to make her feel worse about how society still not ready to talk about sexual interactions.

Well played, Jeon Jungkook.

Well played.

“I mean,” she starts with a fooled voice. “Technically speaking, yes—you can record someone having sex with particular music playing in the background to see how that would affect the orgasm that they’ll receive and the quality of the act and all…” Professor stops for a while, trying to choose the right words. She presses his lips together, trying to be a serious woman and ignores the giggles in the class. “…But, ethically speaking—I don’t think that I’m allowed to give you the permission to record porn.”

He smirks than laughs bitterly, shrugging his one shoulder. “Oh! Come on, Mrs. Kim!” He huffed. “It’s not even porn, it’s just a recording of it. No visuals allowed, remember? If Y/N can record a woman giving birth then I think I can record being intimate with another person.”

“Seriously, Jungkook?” You bickered. “Did you really compared giving birth to having sex?”

“Yes, I did,” he hissed. “My idea is just as naked as yours, baby—and my idea is way better than anyone in this room,” Jungkook turns away from you to the Professor, who is still patiently listening you two bickering each other. “Besides, if we look at that from a Freudian perspective, it’s a good idea for us to add something to his studies that he did for a lifetime, didn’t he say something like how sexual drives must not be something we should be ashamed of, no vice, no degradation—and must be fulfilled in order to gain a psychosexual development?

"Are you really a psychology major, Jungkook?” You accused, exasperatedly sigh. “Because they are not exactly true!”

“Indeed, I am not a psychology major—I’m majoring in music and performing, and for your information, this is an elective class and we don’t really have to know much about Freud or some other psychologist in order to record a one-minute assignment, am I right?” He intentionally looks away to the Professor when he’s ending his sentence, all part of the act. “Do we really have to be so smart to succeed at the class, is that it?"

You’ve got to be kidding me.

She’s a Professor with a good academic background, there is no way that she’s going to fall for this crap.

Right?

"I mean—no, of course not,” Professor says, leaving you with all of your concerns about whether the majority of humanity is now un-saveable from Jeon Jungkook’s all staged acts. “And part of the information you gave about Freud was, technically, true. Though I can’t deny the fact that he did so much more studies about psychosexual development and in fact, even though he contributed that sex is the major driving force in human nature; he also realized that not everything was about sex and once commented, ‘sometimes a cigar is just a cigar’. But, Jungkook, if you’re asking and wondering about at the end whether if you are able to do it or not, the answer is—yes, you can record it. Although you can’t mention names in the record, and please don’t make us know the people, alright? That is, the only way that I can give you permission.”

Fuck Jeon Jungkook.

Fuck Jeon Jungkook and how smart his idea was.

Fuck Jeon Jungkook and how he got the permission he needed anyway.

“Freudian perspective my ass,” you whisper to the asshole next to you, in a voice tone that you’re absolutely sure that he’s the only one that can hear, not even the girl who’s still high and sleepy because of the orgasm she not so long ago received.

He crosses his arms, holding his one eyebrow up. “What is it that bothers you this much, my friend, do you want to contribute to my assignment by letting me taste that tight pussy of yours? Is that it? Are you that shy to ask me whether if you can be the lucky girl in my porn?”

That fucking brat.

“Haha,” you fake a sarcastic laugh. “I’m just…feeling overly insulted and angry about the institution that we’re in because you just got permission to record yourself fucking someone, and I believe that is—the only thing that you’re actually capable of. Fucking.”

“You can’t deny God’s gifts, my friend.” Jungkook chimed in.

You narrow your eyes at his disgusting choice of words. “See? Only a talentless fucking brat would say something like that. Gift? You’re calling the act of sticking your not-so-thicker than a pipe dick into someone as a gift? I can do that too with a proper dildo that I bought from a sex store, my friend.” You ended the argument with a faked tone of his voice, only to make him more offensive.

“Ah,” he hollered, doesn’t care about that the class was still, somehow continued. “You’re getting on my nerves, Y/N, you really are getting on my nerves. It’s been only thirty minutes that we started to speak to each other for the first time in our lives and you’re mentioning about my dick for the third time—and not in a good way that I would’ve wanted. You’re giving me no choice but to prove you wrong, it’s almost becoming a matter of life or death, mh?”

All of a sudden you noticed how you started to rub your thighs together, an exciting feeling giving momentum to your blood’s flowing, all the blame goes to Freud and his stupid works (and how he was right about the amount of urge we have to have sex). In a brief matter, you were—horny.

So fucking horny.

You don’t know if it was because how he kept tilting his head to the ground and how he tsked when he said the last sentence that he had no choice but to prove it to you, or how he was looking ridiculously flawless from close, I mean, really close—or both, but that was it.

You were horny.

Jeon Jungkook made you horny.

You could just go and eat shit and tell everyone that you eat shit and it tastes better, and it would still be better from any kind of confess that you may do about how Jeon Jungkook made you horny, in a psychology class, without even touching you. And again, he just fingered the shit out of a girl next to you, but that was not an excuse for you to almost drip right now.

“Already tongue-tied, are we?” He smirks in the most tempting way. “You couldn’t even get to hear me talking filthy, baby.”

You chimed in. “I’m literally trying to act like you don’t exist but, somehow, you always find a way to make me irritated and overly regretful that I took this class, thinking that it would be fun."

You were okay, it wasn’t happening, you were just horny because of the lack of any kind of sexual interaction with any kind of person for over months. If it wasn’t Jungkook and someone else, you would be the same.

Relax, breathe, you’re not that horny.

"Oh, I’ll make it fun.” He expressed. “Join me with the recording, mh?”

Maybe you are that horny.

But, not with Jungkook. No way in hell, you won’t be sleeping with the selfish, overly exaggerated frat boy that has been doing nothing but to seduce you, because that’s what fratboys do all the time. They see a girl that gives them the cold shoulder, they attack. You weren’t going to let Jungkook attack you.

“Hear this, brat,” you fumed. “As long as being recorded while having sex sounds appealing to me, both visually or audibly, I’m going to pass this offer—because no way that I am doing it with you. I can do porn with every human being in the world except a few of the prime ministers of a few countries and plus some hip-hop artists, I don’t fuck with fratboys either."

It wasn’t you talking, it was anger. Anger that comes fulfills you with being horny over Jeon fucking Jungkook. And that’s why you hurriedly gathered all of your stuff and left the class as soon as the Professor announced that the class was dismissed, not looking back nor listening to the answer that Jungkook gave to you as you were vanishing between people, with the tempting smile that he was giving you for ten minutes.

"Oh, we’re so doing this.”

He laughed.

You didn’t hear.

unknown number: im thinking drake’s own it

unknown number: do you have smthng in mind? i can consider

unknown number: just please make sure that i don’t think i’ll be that hard if we listen to some justin bieber shit and all

unknown number: not that i don’t like it,,but i was a hard fan, that shit still makes me cry

you: jungkook?

you: how did you find my number?

unknown number: asked for a friend of yours named tae

unknown number: we have common classes together

unknown number: said to him that we recently become duo over an assignment and had to find your number

unknown number: wasn’t lying to him tho

you: i said no to your offer

unknown number: i guessed your inner voice said something else ;)

you: just because im psychology major, psychological stuff doesn’t make me turn on

unknown number: i can make you turn on in the seconds baby

you: im just going to ignore all of your messages and happily entertain myself with my friends doing typical weekend stuff, thank you so much

unknown number: im downloading drake’s own it…just in case, and i have to charge my jbl for a better volume experience

“Tae,” you inhale a good amount of air to your irritated lungs, and exhale whilst fuming with anger, to the boy who happened to be your lifetime best friend. “Did you easefully give my number to the number one fuckboy of our University today?”

He pouts, a sudden feeling of guilt takes over his eyes. “Yes? He said that you were a team on an assignment or something?”

“No, we’re not. He just happens to be the guy who ceaselessly hits me for a fuck, hasn’t stopped since the class and now he’s texting me.”

“Sorry, baby,” he mutters. He stops for a second with eating his fries where you guys so happened to choose to have dinner at McDonald’s. “He just seemed so convenient. I know him from my music classes and Jungkook’s like…always scores the best, so if you guys were doing an assignment, I wouldn’t be so surprised.”

Your eyes getting wide, your mouth shaping as an “o” when Tae mentions the words “Jungkook” and “scoring the best” together. “Who?” You doubted. “Jungkook? Taking good grades? In this school?”

“Yeah, Y/N,” Tae addressed while rubbing his eyes. “He’s the smart one in the class. He signs and performs well, he can take high notes from written classes like you guys have together now, and—he can do notes higher than the written classes, which is also very surprising, he also dances well…and…um, he—”

You chimed in. “Tae, honey, your gay is showing. Wasn’t he the fratboy of that massive boy house or something?”

He narrows his eyes. “Yes? Just because he’s a fratboy, is it means that he must be dumb too? Your double standards are showing, Y/N.”

“I mean, yes, I’m being stereotyping over here,” you hollered. “But, remember the Park guy I met last year and how he turned out to be a complete dickhead? All Jungkook has been thinking was to fuck me into my oblivion and record the voices while doing it, nothing more!”

Taehyung tilts his head as his eyes get widen. “Recording? That’s some kinky shit."

You narrow your eyes.

"Oh, come on!” He takes a sip from his cola. “Loosen up a little bit! Give the boy a few points for his courage to actually being able to speak about his true intentions. Not all of the boys do it anymore. They love the act when they’re trying to win over some girl. And besides—what’s the harm of a kinky fuck without any kind of feelings attached? You’re wild as he is when it comes to rough sex. I know because you weren’t stopping about the guy you were fucking last year, which turned out very disappointed because you tried to add feelings to the formula. Never worked.”

“Thanks for enlightening my shameful dark past about how I got fooled around by a fratboy sweetdick for months, Taehyung,” you howled, faking a bitterly smile.

He smirks. “No problem, baby, what best friends are for, right?”

There were points where Taehyung was right about, obviously, because he was kind of always right about everything related to you. Today, they were: (1) the fact that you liked it rough (like, rough), and (2) the fact that no feeling attached kinky sex seemed an exciting option for your lack of sexual interaction with someone lately—and third was the fact that how the guy you were fucking turned out to be a complete disappointment but you were not going to add that to the list.

Taking a fry from the tray, you start to chew while thinking about how Jungkook seemed serious about recording the two of you, doing the thing for the assignment. And with how class listened to you two bickering to each other, they were never going to know who the girl is from the sound—and you really didn’t think that the Professor would make everyone in the class to listen to that porn, anyway. Not that you were so overly thinking about what other’s think, never did and never will be, there was just one person that you couldn’t keep it secret from. Yourself—and how you gave yourself a promise for not fucking with any of the fratboys before your graduation, ever again.

“Does he still texting you?” Tae asks with a concerned face, tightening his lips. “Really though, I should’ve asked you before giving your number to him.”

“I haven’t checked my phone, I’m guessing he’ll stop at some point though,” you went on. “It’s okay, by the way, I’m not mad or anything. Not at you anyway."

Taehyung starts to shake his head. "Wait, wait, wait.” He repeats the word over and over until he stops and points his finger right in front of your eyes. “You are considering his so kind offer…am I right?”

“No! What?” You blurted with a loud tone. “No fucking way! No—oh, fine, yes, a little.”

“I knew it!” He chews the remaining fries he has. “I knew it, really, I was almost—almost sure of it, but with you, I’m never fully sure. I bet you got wet as soon as he opened his true feeling about fucking you, and oh, wait, I bet you’re still wet!”

“Oh my god, we’re not having this conversation in a fucking McDonald’s, Taehyung!” You mumbled. “Just, maybe, okay? I got horny when he mentioned how he must prove himself to me about his skills and all that shit, I think. I had a fucking promise to myself, Tae! I was holding on to that little promise. I shouldn’t be even thinking about this but all I’m thinking how he would toss my weak body over his bedroom’s wall and how he would rip my clothes off of my body in a mere second. See? This is how much I’m whipped over him.”

“I think it’s cute,” he admits. “How you opening up to me in a fucking McDonalds, chewing the rest of the fries.”

You roll your eyes.

“Just kidding, baby.” Taehyung smiles fondly. “Text him that you’re taking his offer. Do whatever you want with him, or make him do it. Have fun a little bit! Text him that it’s sad that you’re drinking cola and not his cum.”

“Ew,” you gasp. “Please shut up.”

“Again, kidding.”

He wasn’t kidding at all.

You grab your phone which you so irritatedly made silent before tossing it up to your bag, and welcome the texts that you haven’t opened from the same number, this time with a title you not so thought about it.

that dickhead: own it by drake is ready and my jbl is charging (21.19)

that dickhead: oh i see (21.35)

that dickhead: … (21.40)

You open it, and type, not wanting to think about any coincidences for just today.

you: really? three dots? that’s your way of handling with rejection? (21.45)

that dickhead: rejection? was it really?

you: try any other sarcastic words over me and i might change my opinion about this

that dickhead: so,,is it a yes?

you: im not fucking while listening to drake, jungkook

that dickhead: you’re so lucky today that you can get the choose the song, it’s all for academic purposes, baby

you: yeah, yeah

you: your place or mine?

that dickhead: mine

that dickhead: [attached adress]

you: ok be ready in 20

There was something about all of this experience that you were having. Something that you cannot explain easily. You didn't know why you were so whipped for him with just a day and how that got you into this situation—where you have literally vanished into the cold spring night to take a taxi, a taxi that will take you to Jungkook's place.

Of course Tae understood your situation, considering how many times he heard you bickering and complaining about your sex life lately (or the lack of it), and how you weren't ready for any kind of relationship and starting a new relationship just to get laid seemed so unfair to you and the possible partner, so that was never an option for you. He was always offered you to one-night-stands, and let's say that he helped with it too, but they weren't that good—and you couldn't even come as you wanted to. You didn't know if you could come with Jungkook, and you were really serious about everything you've said about fratboys, you weren't going to take back what you've said, but—you had this different feeling, an excitement, a thrill, some anticipation that you got all from him. A silent, almost can't hearable, sound in your brain was telling you that, indeed, you weren't doing the mistake of your life by taking that taxi.

So it was happening. It was really happening according to the taxi driver's navigation status which said that "destination in 5 minutes" and the text that came from your best friend.

mytae: text me tomorrow! with details pls ;)

It was, happening, and surprisingly, you didn't feel any regret or fear flowing through your body.

It was—pure excitement with a good amount of wetness that was coming from your cunt.

That bastard.

You knocked on the door.

"Password?" A voice, his voice, called from inside.

"What password?"

"Password?"

"You didn't give me the password, bastard."

He was still playing with you. "Password?"

You weren't going to fool around with his stupid games. "Oh, then I have no choice but to leave if you don't open this goddamn door because I'm really horny right now and—"

"Correct," he opened the door, a casual black short sleeve t-shirt and a pair of black sports pants were on him which you had to give a few points to the look because you've always liked the sportive look on hot guys. "It was horny." He smirked as he opened the door for you to come in.

"Really, Jungkook?" You narrowed your eyes at him, a blush appearing on your cheeks, not that you were ashamed or something because today was all about not being ashamed, right? "You were making me doubt my choices there."

He crossed his arms together, a beautiful vein appearing on his left arm. He didn't seem that build up in the outside, or it was just you never giving any attention to how Jungkook actually looked like before. Maybe he was always that strong, built, muscular pig. "Y/N?"

He took a step to you, and one step again when he said your name again. He didn't say anything even though you quietly said "hm?" to his calling, both times. He was giving you a little hard time there, minimizing the place left between you and his door. He lowered his voice for the third time, making your back hit the wall. "Y/N, you see..." He whispered. "What you've been doing to me since this morning is to make me feel small about myself. That's why you're always acting like you're the one who holds the ropes, right? Always sticking your nose in things to make my day worse, and always trying to end the conversation with your scores up to the ceiling while mines are off the ground? Hmm?"

You wanted to tell something, anything, but as you felt his body touching you in front, making the two of you almost one body while your back is against the wall. (And, his perfume mixed with his natural skin smell wasn't helping at all) So, you couldn't say anything and stared right in the middle of his tempting, doe-eyes while he was squeezing them to give it a serious meaning.

He holds his one arm up and places right next to your head, on the wall. The other one was in his pockets, and because he was also squeezing it very hard, the veins were making you scared. Jungkook tilts his head as he leans to your level in front of the wall. "You like people when they think that you're some kind of ice queen, giving the fratboys cold shoulder because you don't want them to know the truth."

"And what truth it may be?" You quietly asked, in an almost whispering way, stuttering because of the excitement of him being so near to you.

He leans to your left ears now, touching it softly with his lips, sending shivers down your spine. "That you're so head over heels for me to fuck you so shamelessly that you just came here less than thirty minutes. You're that type, the type that addicted to the feeling of giving yourself to someone else but, all without closed doors. Because you don't want anyone to know who fucks your pussy that good."

"Mmh," you whine, chewing on the flesh of your bottom lip. "And who will fuck this pussy that good?" You teased, putting one of your hands to his stomach to feel his abs. He was muscular, indeed, and from this perspective where you were feeling small about yourself since he was standing in front of you with his intense, strong frame.

You felt a big amount of coldness that almost making your fingers turn purple, and you weren't sure if it was the coldness that was coming from the naked wall or how he was acting like he will turn you to a complete mess in seconds. He takes the hand which he was hiding his pocket and quickly puts on your ass with a quiet spanking manner, giving you no choice but to groan to that a little. "You see, since this is all academic purposes, and knowing that we cannot use our real names in the recording, we should use something different. And, believe me, as long as I would be completely fluttered if you say my name over and over again as I keep pounding into you, very deeply, I think for today you should go with the daddy instead."

A little whine escaping your lips as you hear the word "daddy" coming from his plumped lips from licking them every few seconds or so, Jungkook realizes how that is entertaining you and smirks with the feel of the joy. "I always knew that you had the daddy kink, by the way, it can be read through your gaze while you look at me."

"Hmm?" You groan. "And what are you going to call me today?"

He squeezes your butt with a wild manner, his eyes never leaving yours. "Oh, there are so many names today that I will call you with. You see, I always use baby with girls like you are," he spanks your ass while saying you baby. "If we were going to vanilla, I would call you princess," he spanks again. "But given the situation now, and how you whipped for my cock like this," one more. "I would probably use more of a needy slut since you are one." One more. "What else? Cocksucker, because you're going to get all of it." One more. "Whore, because you'll be a one in my bedroom, baby." Two more this time. One when he calls you whore, and another with the baby. "Are they enough, or do you want me to keep going with it?" He asks, his gaze on your ass, feeling a little sore from all the spanking but it was good that you had clothes on, which was going to change soon or later.

"Y-yes," you answer, feeling high because of all the sensations going on.

He lets go of you, gives a permission for you to finally breathe and to see his apartment for the first time really, since all his been doing was getting over and over you with his muscular frame, giving you no room for to see anything but his tempting eyes, burning from the think about what will going to happen the two of you.

His apartment was small, yet it seemed enough for him, and it looked like he was living alone. Predictable, since he always had some company within. "So, about the assignment," he starts, taking the hand he used to spank you to his hair, giving them a messy look. "I am really going to record us, so help me with the song, babygirl."

His voice much huskier, in a much more tempting way, of course. "Since you need two versions of the record, you should open the recording in the middle of it or something."

"Oh, we won't be needing that, babygirl." He explained. "We need your voice while you're having your orgasm, one with music and one without music. And I'm planning to fuck you more than one, or two, or maybe three. Making sure that all of the things you've said about my fingers and my cock was nothing but a lie."

Jeon Jungkook never likes to lose, that was something you got from his behaviors, and how he didn't like it when he loses something—how his eyes got darken and widen every time, almost like he disguising to someone else you've never seen before.

He doesn't give you a chance to realize your surroundings, and indeed, he never loses his oh-I'm-so-gonna-destroy-you posture, still staying right in front of you like a shadow that won't go away.

You gulped. "You know," you managed to say, out of breath. "I wouldn't mind if you just skip to the part when you use that cock of yours which you never shut up to me about how I would be wrong in the end."

"Is that so?" He asks before, finally, attaches his lips to yours. The kiss is lacking every emotion except desire, lust, and excitement. It's almost so dirty to talk about that even thinking about just kissing his soft lips in the most ambitious way you can, you're getting wetter and wetter. You climb over his embrace, bounding your arms together in the back of his neck as he lays down to grab your ass in his strong hands to take you on his lap. He holds to your asscheeks as he finds his comfort with tossing you over the wall of his apartment's hall, not so carefully carrying you to his bedroom.

You two keep kissing each other, and at one point his tongue ways his way into your throat right after his teeth grabs and captures your bottom lip like it his meal for today. (He was lucky that his meal was something else, though.) He takes no time to waste as he grabs your shirt to undress, still taking small steps as he carries you to his bedroom. You take the hint and hurriedly put your arms up, tossing your shirt somewhere in the hall.

You don't really see, but it's predictable that he amazes that you choose the sexiest, lacy black bra you had in your wardrobe. His attention for your lips suddenly vanishes as he takes his few last steps to the bedroom, hurriedly opens his door and tosses you onto the bed. He doesn't fucking care when he climbs over you to embrace your breasts over your bra, and he wants them off—he surely does, but Jungkook wants to take his time a little because he knows that it is the first and the last time that he will get playing with you. He leaves a few soft kisses first, taking his time with them after suddenly biting the sensitive skin on you.

"Mhh," you groan. "If you hated the bra that much, you could've just said so..."

"I hate every fucking clothing you have on you right now, babygirl."

"Rip them then."

He doesn't do it—even though he wants to, oh god, he really wants to, Jungkook always liked the foreplay.

A soft laugh escapes from his lips, swollen a bit from all the hungry and sloppy kisses you gave him. He stands up from the bed, his legs still capturing you like an animal that shouldn't be escaped. "I will now start the record, ready?"

You nod as he grabs his phone and opens the voice recordings. He touches the red button and places his phone to the bedside table. Then Jungkook turns over to you, still standing up, and he grabs and takes his black shirt of off him, swiftly launches the clothing away from the bed. He takes no time to grab your lips again, pinning your arms behind the bed. "From now on, you can call me daddy," he whispers to your ears as he grabs the flesh of your ear into his teeth. "And if you tell me anything different than what you have to say, you'll get punish."

You whine under this asset, your eyes turn to his body from his evil-like eyes, carefully and slowly capturing every second with his toned abs. He commands, "Eyes on daddy, babygirl. He's going to open the buttons of your pants now."

You're loving how he sounds deeper, huskier in a hegemonic manner. You moan when he touches your belly with his cold hands, sending shivers down your spine. He slowly leans over to you to open the button. You note that how he also liked teasing in somewhere in your brain. You help him to take off your pants, leaving you with your underwear only and you try to stand up to do the same to him, but he just hits your hand hard.

"No-no," he mouthed. "Let's just play with your tight pussy of yours to make it ready for my cock, babygirl. Then you can have a taste of my dick too, this, if you behave though."

Okay, now, you sure know that you haven't been this wet at all. You don't know if it's your lack of sex life, or how long since you had someone doing oral to you, (again, most of your one-night-stands didn't want to use their tongues that much.) or just how Jungkook was hot and arrogant and sexy when he was dominating. (All of the above, was the answer.)

You groan as his hand traveled down to your panties, using his one finger to test out the wetness over your panties. "God, you're soaking." He smirks as he peeks his one finger beneath your wetness. His eyes get wide with the feeling of your wetness coating his finger. "Babygirl, are you sure that you can't get wet over fratboys, huh?"

He still likes to play. You roll your eyes at him. "You sure are a mood breaker."

Jungkook doesn't like when you misbehave, and he takes your comment as something to be punished as he inserts his finger very deep without a warning.

"Ju-daddy," you gasp, out of breathing, arching your body to the pillow to gain strength. "Mmh!"

"I'm sure that your mood now is unbreakable, babygirl. You're literally soaking right now, all for me, huh?"

You don't—can't—answer to him as he adds another finger in, both in very deep, and all you can do is squirm under his touch. Jungkook seems like to enjoy the view of you, desperate for his touch under the dim light that he prepared for you, soft moans escaping from your lips as his telephone records all of the sweet sounds that you're making for him. Though, he wanted you to answer to him, so he just pulls his fingers from your cunt, leaving you high and dry. (not that dry, anyway)

"What the hell?" You roared.

"I asked a question, slut." Jungkook scowls, but still takes one of his hands to remove your panties off of your legs, leaving you with your bra and nothing left. "And when I ask you a question," he pats to your pussy. "I want an answer." He pats again, this time in a harder way. "And if I don't get the answer I want," he stops for a second to see your sensitive full of red pussy. "I become very angry, and you get a punishment, okay?"

You nod madly. "Yes!"

"So, babygirl, tell me," he softens his voice, but his eyes still scream over. "Will you remember who's in charge today? Will you behave for your daddy? Because he's a little bored and he wants to play with your pussy so, so much for a long time today."

"Yes!" You scream desperately.

"Yes, who, baby?" Jungkook smirks like the brat he is.

"Yes, daddy! I'll behave! Just please, please do something. With your fingers or your tongue, it doesn't matter. Just, touch me, daddy, please." You keep going with your whine as he likes the see you begging for him.

"I like it when they beg," he hums and captures one of your legs onto his shoulders, pushing you back to the surface of the bed while he places himself to the entrance of your pussy. It was still swollen, and red from all of the pats he had given. "But I liked it more when you begged."

He thrust his two fingers back where they are, hitting your g-spot relentlessly, his fingers going deeper and deeper now. You groan, whine, scream and all of the above when he adds his tongue to the formula. Your eyes roll back, your head hits the pillow as you fall back with bliss flowing through your veins. He kept his pace with his tongue, hitting that sweet spot on your pussy while his fingers still thrusting their way into it. You like it, you like it way too much that you swear this is some of the best orals you've ever got so far. "Mmmh, m-more," you squirm as your breath kept losing its pace. "Please, daddy."

"You like it too much, hmm?" Jungkook takes his tongue out to breathe, his fingers still buried deep inside of you. He uses his other hand to grab your breast over the bra, pulling the material off of your skin so that he can access what lays beneath. He pulls one of your nipples very painfully, but the pain only made you feel more blissful. Your groans get louder as he kept his one hand pinching your nipple and the other to finger you, a playful smirk on his face. "Now you regret that you didn't get to be fingered in the class today, right?"

"Mmh," you groan as you feel your nipple getting sore as hard as your pussy is. "I-I-I am."

"Maybe next time I finger you in class, you needy slut. Look at you, you're too desperate for my fingers. You already look like a mess, babygirl. Do you think you can take my cock today?" This time Jungkook doesn't wait for an answer as he dives into your cunt with his tongue again.

"Mhh, I will, daddy." You answer anyway, since he politely asked for you to behave. The sensations you were feeling came to a situation that you were feeling close now. His finger still playing with your nipple, rubbing it, pulling it mercilessly as pain and satisfaction both flowing through your body. His fingers were getting deeper and deeper as they could find their way with your juices helping them to, and his tongue—oh, god, his tongue—he was making you a complete mess and kept his pace until your eyes rolled over with complete bliss. He noticed how your breathing almost became like you were about to faint and slowly stopped his pace by giving your pussy soft kisses.

"Does my babygirl wants to come on my tongue, hm?" Jungkook asks, turns his face to your complete wrecked frame.

"Y-y-yes, da-daddy." You scream as much as you can.

You don't see but know that he is smirking as his eyes get the best view of you, all wrecked and red, covered with your own juices that happened to be only because of him. "Come then, daddy feels so thirsty now, babygirl. Give daddy all of you can and come on my tongue like the slut you are, babygirl. Don't hold back." Your eyes open like they were about to explode there, you groan and scream in a delightful way as soon as your orgasm hits you for the first time (of course, not last) today, you grab the sheets as your cum run to his tongue and then everywhere, and you couldn't help but squirm all over the sheet like you were holding that for five years inside of you.

"Shit, baby, you made such a mess," Jungkook adds as he glances over the sheet, looking at the masterpiece you've created in the bed. "I never thought that you were the squirter type, though."

"I thought that too," was all that you could say, still trying to find a way to breathe, properly, again.

He licks the cum off of his fingers, acting like he's having a dessert thanks to you, your cum covering his beautiful mouth. "Was it your first then?"

"Squirming? Yeah, fuck, definitely," you laugh a little with the pleasure that you were still feeling in every spot of your body. "Was it weird?"

"It was so hot," he laughs back. "Look at what the brat you couldn't shut up and bicker for non-stop for the whole day did to you, you loud slut. I'm sure everyone in the apartment now knows who fucked you that good."

"I wasn't allowed to call you by your name though," you pout, still acting for the game. "They still don't know."

"They can figure. If not, we can continue to fuck after this recording shit."

You gain your breathing again, and as long as you feel like you're capable to do so, you climb over the bed where Jungkook sits, and make him move over where you were a minute before when you were moaning under his touch.

"I want to suck your dick, Jungkook," you say, knowingly mentioning his name. He was going to edit the record anyway, so he could just take off the part when you said his names. Besides, the recording must include two orgasms—one with music and one without the music. So you were guessing that he would just use the times when his dick is buried deep inside of you. "I want to feel it deep down in my throat. Will you let me suck it babyboy?"

He was taking a back, eyes widen as his eyebrows go up with your sudden role change. "Did you call me babyboy?" He asked, mimicking your way of saying it. Jungkook liked being dominant, in every way that he can, actually—and he haven't acted in a submissive role for so, so long now. Albeit, he liked how you used the tone you've never used since all of the play now, and all of a sudden you're up on him and begging in a way that you're the one who says the rules there. He likes it, he likes it too much.

"I did," you whisper into his ears as you push him to the mattress, finding your place on his lap where you can feel the hardness of his cock. "Now, babyboy, do you want me to take of the problem with your cock, because it keeps rubbing itself to my pussy. I think he needs attention. Use your words."

"Oh, fuck, baby, yes!" Jungkook whines as his dick getting harder and harder beneath your naked pussy.

You quickly go up to take off his pants to reveal him but as long as you touch the sides of his sports pants, you stop and stare at him. "I said use your words, describe what you want. I don't think yes is an option here, babyboy. I'm getting mad here, you know?"

He was surprised, his mouth agape with your sudden change of attitude. "Please suck my cock. Take it, deepthroat it, do something, please!"

You laugh to how tables can be turned in seconds, and it was a perfect view of Jungkook laying desperately for your touch, making you wetter and wetter again. "Okay, since you screamed out so loudly..."

You grab onto his pants' sides, pulling them over with his boxer as well, only to be welcomed by his thick, erected member which was coated by the pre-cum because of all the rubbing it did, and even maybe your dirty talking and him coating with your cum made his this way. You don't know, nor care and you don't waste any time to grab his dick between your hands, throbbing it a few times to use his pre-cum as a cream, sloppy sounds echoing in the small room while you keep your pace. All, of course, was to make him ready to have your tongue on it. So when you do start to lick his cock's head, he lets outs a loud groan and his head falls back to the pillow. "F-fuck, baby, your tongue feels amazing."

"Mhh," you moan, your tongue still playing with the head, your eyes having a wonderful view of his hardened cock, all ready for you to release. You start with his length and lick all the way to the up, and when you're on the top of his dick for the third time in one minute, you surprise him with tucking all of the length—in once—to your throat. "F-fuck!" He screams in a delightful way that makes you think that you're doing good. "Babyy, do that again, p-please."

"Do what babyboy?" You tease Jungkook. One of your hand capturing his balls, massaging to them as he moans and moans in a loud way again. "Words. Remember?"

"F-fuck," he whines desperately. "Get it all the way in, please. Take all of my cock like you did, baby."

"Mhh, fine, then." You lean over to his dick again, and all of a sudden you take it into your mouth, this time as deep as you can. He notices how deeper you're trying to go and he appreciates that. His sweet little noises becoming deeper and huskier with you trying to go deep with him. He peeks to your wrecked frame, your eyes getting teary with his cock hitting your throat. Jungkook swears that it's the most beautiful scene he ever saws in his entire life, and he never wants it to end.

"Ba-baby," he manages to say. "I'll come if you don't stop doing that. And I, I really want to come into your pussy today."

You don't know if it's because he saw you getting a hard time there, or if it was really that he wanted to come into you, (sure, he could just come twice but anyway) but you appreciated when he suddenly takes his cock of off from your mouth and toss you over to the mattress where he is now upon you.

"Your domination is now over, babygirl."

Or it was just because five minutes of being submissive was enough for him for a lifetime or so. You don't mind at all, as long as you liked being dominant in time to time—you liked being submissive more, with Jungkook anyway. And you're again, full of appreciation when he finally opens that bra of yours to toss it over to the side. Jungkook likes playing your breasts, more, your nipples. He likes how easy the formula is, the more you pinch and pull and toss the nipple, they are more sensitive—and needy, to be exact. So he keeps doing that while getting a condom from his drawer. He fondly opens the package and wears it—he doesn't like to use one, though since it's a one-time thing, he knows that he must be careful. (But he'll be very happy if you guys can do one without a condom, even if it's later)

"Do you think you can do two more orgasms, babygirl?" He dares, his one hand still playing with your breast, while the other one tastes your wetness in your pussy. "Mhh, still so, so, so wet for me," Jungkook smirks as soon as his fingers get coated with your cum from your first orgasm. "I think...with that amount of wetness, you can hold on for a three more."

Your eyes get widen. "Three? I don't th—"

Your words get interrupted as he, without any warning, finds his way into your pussy. "Agghh!" You don't hold back your screams, nor your moans and let it all out while he tries to adjust his size into you. Your sweet sounds vanish as your screams take its place in the action while he finally stops when he's satisfied with the position: your legs on top of his shoulders, back arching to the mattress.

"You okay?" He concernedly checks, and when you nod mercilessly, he takes the answer and starts to pound into you. He's slow first, still trying to find his pace, and—oh, god when he does, he never stops pounding into you like a madman.

"Y-yes, yes, yes!" You scream so loudly again while he keeps thrusting into you in an impossible way, his hands reach to your arms to pin them over to the back of the bed. That way, he thinks that he can control everything in the world. That way, he knows that he fucks you in a delightfully incredible manner, and in that way, he never wants to stop.

Your eyes roll back and close a little bit, and when Jungkook notices that, he's a little bit fumed because he wants to see your eyes when he's pounding into you this hard. He wants to see the tears that will come out from your eyes and he wants to see you while you're having your second orgasm. "Eyes on the daddy, baby." Jungkook grabs your chin to make you force to look at to his eyes. Looking directly into his deep brown eyes doesn't help you with the situation because as soon as you open your eyes, you feel your orgasm coming. The pleasure and the pain are overtaking your whole body and with his every thrust the pain vanishes and replaces with bliss.

"I'm close," you manage to say between your hard breathing. You're almost sure that he doesn't hear, but he does, but he's just close as you are that he can't answer back immediately.

"Me too, baby." He answers back as he jerks on top off you, the voices of your skin's slapping each other and screams are doing much worse that he's not going to last.

You want to get over with and try to take back one of your hands to rub your clit but as soon as he understands what you're up to, he pushes your hand away and places it where it was before. "You're coming with my cock this time, slut. You're going to scream so much that every time when I listen to this record, I will remember you bickering me about my dick and laugh with memories of that screams."

You're feeling your orgasm coming as he keeps pounding into you. "J-jun..daddy! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

"Come slut, scream as loud as you can so everyone will hear."

And soon enough the time slows with your second orgasm approaching, trails of fire and bliss taking over you while you dissolve into pleasure. Jungkook doesn't stop his pace, not even slows down, and he keeps his truths hard and fast, chasing his own orgasm. He doesn't come that easily, and he never thinks about slowing a little bit when you start to feel sensitive about the situation. Your sore pussy cries over the overstimulation that it received, and with every thrust, it feels more painful.

"Kook," you managed to say, hardly breathing. "It hurts."

"You can and you will take it, you loud whore," Jungkook commands. "You still have to come two more times, one with music on, remember?"

You try to relax as he keeps its pace stable, the pain slowly vanishes and leaves its place to pleasure. You stop saying anything and fall back to the pillow as you listen to his pounding sounds and moans which felt like a piece of music to your ears.

"Look at you, almost coming for the third time today while I haven't got to come once," Jungkook smirks as he fastens his movements into you. And thinking how good he was taking care of you today, you feel like you're approaching your third orgasm for the day. Between your groans and moans, Jungkook's breath sounds like he's becoming undone in seconds too. "Babygirl," he jerks as he approaches his orgasm. "I'm so close."

"Come, Jungkook," you encourage him. "Come inside me."

Jungkook's eyes getting bigger as his fresh warm cum loading the condom inside of you. You keep saying his name over and over again, (doesn't give a fuck about the record since you already got an orgasm without his name) screaming "Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungkook!" as your third orgasm takes over you.

Both of you extremely tired and out of breath, he lays down on top of you for a while to maintain his breathing. The sweat from his hair drops to your neck and face, he looks like he just got off from the shower. Little moans that escaping after the sex you just had still echoing through the room, Jungkook turns over and tosses himself next to you, you don't see but you're almost sure that he's smirking like a little brat. "We still have to do one more, for the assignment."

"Ugh, I'm so sore." You say between your still-not-stable breaths. Jungkook takes his condom off and gets up from the bed to toss it into the trash. "Can you get me something to clean?"

"Why?" He turns back with shocked eyes. "For your last orgasm, I need that wetness, babygirl."

Suddenly you feel that Tae was right about how determined Jungkook was about his grades, and now he was insisting on that assignment, and he was sure having fun with your wrecked state. "Fine," you accept. "What music we're playing?"

"I said before, I'm saying again," Jungkook sassed. "You choose."

"Mmh, the Weeknd, maybe?"

"The Weeknd it is." Jungkook approves as he gets up from the bed to turn on his computer which was connected to his speaker. He wasn't lying about how he was preparing his speaker, and it was, kind of cute that he really did charge it. "Any song?"

"I know all of their songs, play something that sounds sexy."

"Okay."

He searches for a song there, taking his time for a while, probably adding songs to queue.

"I still can't believe that you got that permission, after all, Jungkook," you admit, lying naked on his bed, coated with your own come. "We're literally recording asmr porn here."

He cracks a little, joyful laugh over the laptop. His body is leaned over his desk, the dim light slightly touches his soft skin, he's coated in his own sweat because of the mess you've created together, his hair drops to his face and sticking a little to his forehead. He looks extremely hot like this, his body giving you a great view with his toned abs and still a little hard dick. Suddenly, you think that you have to stop thinking about how gorgeous he looks because again, he's extremely dangerous for you.

No feelings attached. You remember.

So you just take your time with his god-like appearances.

That wouldn't hurt, right?

"You're lying in my bed, Jeon Jungkook's, with your hair messy and your skin sweaty, wrecked because of what I did to you a few minutes before after all of the things you've said to me earlier today and how you wouldn't ever, ever fuck with me and you still can't believe that I got the permission to record porn?" He comes to bed after opening the list he just prepared. "I think you can already figure out that I can get whatever I want."

He's not wrong, indeed, he's overly right with this one.

That the Jeon Jungkook can get whatever the hell he wants.

The song keeps going in the background, getting you into a mood already, and it's not a very hard thing when Jungkook is playing with your hair, his elbow places on the mattress and he's getting the strength he needs from it. It almost, almost, feels like a romantic scene, but again, you know that it's not what you would think. (And you don't want to think at all) So, it leaves him almost surprised when you start the round this time.

"You're getting the first record from your dick buried deep inside of me, right?" You ask as you toss over to place yourself on his lap. He helps you to find your place with his hands on your sides, Jungkook leans over the pillow for a better view of your already wrecked body.

"Mhh," he groans as a yes. "So?"

"I'm thinking the second must be like that too." You smirk as you start to rub your clit to his naked member.

He likes it too much that he gets quickly hard beneath your ass. The cums you had inside of you still there, making all of the rubbings together thing easier for you. "Buried deep inside of you? I like that." He gets one of his hand from your sides to your clit, rubbing it to make you more ready for the next one.

But you've thought something more appealing for him, so he's extremely surprised when you push his hand away and takes his cock into your hands to place into you. His opens his as much as he can, a passionate moan leaving his soft lips which you haven't kiss enough, and he's still thinking about why you would want to ride him bare?

"Baby, I haven't wear a condom." He states, but you already know.

You lean over to his lost state and kiss his lips passionately before whispering to his ears that will make him eager to answer back. "I haven't slept with anyone for a long time, I’m using birth control for over a year now, and if you used protection every time then—"

"Yes! I always use one. I haven't fucked bare for months." He's too eager to make it happen that it almost sounds cute to your ears.

"Then I want your cum inside of me this time, very deep inside, daddy, please?"

You don't have to ask again.

He helps you to have the way you're comfortable with and waits until you're all the way up. You're already out of breathing while trying to ride him, and the view of your nor his doesn't help you both with the situation. Little moans escaping your lips as you start to fasten a little bit, one of Jungkook's hand is playing with your breasts while the other one is stable on your hip to help you. "You okay?" He softly asks.

You toss your head in the back with a delightful feeling that comes with riding him. "Mhh," you moan for an answer.

Jungkook, on the other hand, takes the answer to start his thrusts into you, slowly first but never again, until he chases the fast route he wanted—which is making you breathless in a way that you can't even say anything, only sweet little (sometimes louder) moans escaping your lips. You holding onto his shoulders with every hit that he gives, and every time you almost think that he can't go any more fast and deep but every time he does. Your head can't even stay stable, and which each thrust it goes back and comes again, and one time when you come back to his gaze only to see him smirk.

He started to speak with stopping for each thrust that he made. "I...was...hoping...for...to fuck...you bare...one day," he was getting out of breath with the feeling of you riding him and that he was bare inside of you. "Got...you...well...prepared...didn't I?"

"Y-yes! D-daddy!" You were getting out of breath too as he kept fucking you viciously. "You're, mmh, so good!"

"You too, babygirl, you feel amazing like this," he kept his pace in a mad-like manner as he finds your sweet spot to pound in a much, much harder way as if that was possible to do so. You kept riding him as your hands held him tightly, finding your strength over his shoulders. He pushed back again, and again, and again—only to wreck you completely. "I fucked you for...long...time, how can you be...this tight, fuck?"

You screamed out while music bursting through your ears. "So...good, fuck, I'm...not...gonna," you managed to say, out of breath, dissolving into your pleasure again as your orgasm approaching you.

"Make a mess again...babygirl," he groaned as you spilled your cum again, this time he was able to feel them on his dick inside of you. He held you as he knew that you needed help, but still pounding into you with a feeling of your warm liquid this time, and it felt so amazing that you were all around him. You were still tight and warm, looking absolutely gorgeous on top of him, wrecked and full of sweat, your mouth still agape from the overstimulation you had today. He finds his way to the crook of your neck, first to hold you because he was a little scared that you were going to faint in some point, and two because he never get to kiss you from there and he didn't want to regret tomorrow. He kept his pace into you as his breaths go crazy, a sign for his orgasm, and a few seconds later you felt his thrust getting slower as he kept moaning and groaning in your ears while his orgasm taking over him for the second time today. (it was the best he had, though)

You felt your sleep taking over you as soon as you tossed over to be inside of the bed, but you weren't going to sleep over since it wasn't part of the deal. Albeit, you were kind of sure that at least he must give you one hour to be ready to walk or breathe again. You close your eyes for a bit, listening to the songs he chooses for the act, and when you open your eyes you see that jungkook wasn't there.

It only takes him three minutes for to come again, and you can't even open your eyes to look at him but you sure that he's there because someone is cleaning the cum inside of you. "Thank you, you didn't have to," was all you can say and even with that, you're not sure if he's able to hear it.

"You were going to regret it in the morning." He murmurs, he also having hard times with breathing as well. "Do you want a t-shirt to sleep in?"

"I can just go, you know..."

"Naked or clothed?" He doesn't listen.

"Shirt, please."

Next week, on Friday, the day you have Sound Psychology, you're a little nervous that you're going to see Jungkook again. Not that you guys had something between, not even a little bit of weirdness happened. You slept, you woke up. He was already up and got you some coffee, you chatted a little. He offered you a shower, you kindly accepted before leaving his apartment. It was, almost, normal. No weirdness. No feelings.

But for the class, you're a little nervous that you are going to see him.

So, when you enter the class, Jungkook doesn't help you with your situation when he simply greets you. "Hi, Y/N."

"Hi."

"Ready to listen to the masterpiece I've created? It took me hours to edit that, and the paper I wrote, was the best part of the assignment."

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

"Are you sure that the Professor will make us listen to that in class?"

"I mean, probably no? I asked if you want to listen though."

"Oh," your eyes get widen. "Ah, that, right."

He looks like he's a little bit broken since you weren't that hyped over the recording. Maybe he was thinking if you were regretting it, which you didn't at all, but it was just thinking of listening to your own sex sounds sounded very weird. "If you're uncomfortable with it, I can just—"

"—No, no..." You manage to say. "Um, you can maybe, send me? I don't think I can listen to that here, you know."

He laughs like he understands what you mean. "Oh? Right, sorry."

Your weird conversation gets interrupted as Professor Kim starts to talk.

"So...everyone," she starts the conversation directly looking into Jungkook's eyes. "Since everyone is exciting about Jeon's assignment, and how that went for me to grade, I would want to speak about that before the class. For ethical reasons, and how I want to keep feeding my family with my job, I'm sorry that we're not going to listen to his record, but let me say that—it was, unexpectedly interesting to hear, and well done."

You exhale a good amount of breath by knowing how you won't be listening to that in class, where everyone is seated.

"But, Jungkook, as long as I still think that you just wanted this particular subject to fool around with, you'll be surprised when I say that this is also an interesting area to study more, but I know that wasn't your intention—the human orgasm, I mean...anyway, you got an A with that assignment, and with that I think you're one of the first students in this University to get an A with a porn recording..."

You don't hear anything she says later, because the message that has been sent to your phone made your thoughts go away somewhere very, very interesting to dream about.

that dickhead: you think we can do a version 2 with my voice playing in the background

that dickhead: again, only for academic purposes

so, i haven’t proofread and all, but let me know how that goes for you! this happens to be my first graphic smut lol

#jeon jungkook #jeon jungkook smut #bts #bts jeon jungkook smut #jeon jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #bts smut #jungkook x reader

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theculturedmarxist · 4 years

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Yves here. Reader IM Doc, an internal medicine practitioner of 30 years, trained and worked in one of the top teaching hospitals in the US for most of his career before moving to a rural hospital in an affluent pocket of Flyover. He has been giving commentary from the front lines of the pandemic. Along with current and former colleagues, he is troubled by the PR-flier-level information presented to the public about the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, at least prior to the release of an article in the New England Journal of Medicine on the Pfizer vaccine: Safety and Efficacy of the BNT162b2 mRNA Covid-19 Vaccine. However, he did not find the study to be reassuring. He has taken the trouble of writing up his reservations after discussing the article with his group of nine physicians that meets regularly to sanity check concerns and discuss the impact that articles will have on their practices.

By IM Doc, a internal medicine doctor working in a rural hospital in the heartlands

Right off the bat – I am as weary and concerned about this pandemic as anyone. What my little rural area has been through in the past three weeks or so has been nothing short of harrowing. This virus has the ability to render patients about as sick as I have ever seen in my life, while leaving more than half the population with minimal if any symptoms. The patients who are sick are often very sick. And instead of slow and steady improvement like we normally experience, most of these patients are assigned to a long and hard slog. Multiple complications arise. This leads to very diminished throughput in the hospital. The patients literally stack up and we have nowhere to put the new ones coming in who themselves will be there for days or weeks. On top of that are the constant donning and doffing of PPE and intense emotional experiences for the staff, who are themselves becoming patients or in this small town have grandma or Aunt Gertrude as a patient.

To put it bluntly, I want this pandemic over. And now. But I do not want an equal or even worse problem added onto the tragedy. And that is my greatest fear right now. And medical history has demonstrated conclusively over and over again: brash, poorly-thought-out, emotion-laden decisions regarding interventions in a time of crisis can exponentially increase the scale of pain and lead to even worse disasters.

I am not an anti-vaxxer. I have given tens of thousands of safe and tested vaccines over my lifetime. I am very familiar with side effects and safety problems associated with all of them. That is why I can administer them with confidence. I am also an optimist, so all of the cautions I discuss below are the result of experience and the information made public about the Pfizer vaccine, not a temperamental predisposition to see the glass as half empty.

I know this piece is long, but I wanted to completely dissect the landmark New England Journal of Medicine (from now on NEJM) publication of the first Pfizer vaccine paper. I am replicating the method of my mentor in Internal Medicine, a tall figure in 20th Century medicine. He was an internationally recognized authority and his name is on one of the foundational textbooks in his specialty. He was a master and he taught me very well, including the fundamentals of scientific inquiry and philosophy, telltale signs of sloppy or dishonest work, the order in which you should dissect someone’s work, and the statistics involved.

When I have a new medical student doing rotations with me, I give them a collection of reading. At the very top is Drug Companies & Doctors: A Story of Corruption from the New York Review of Books in 2009 by Marcia Angell, MD. She was the editor-in-chief of the NEJM, the very journal that published this Pfizer vaccine paper.

Dr. Angell’s article is the Cliffs Notes version of much longer discussions she had about corruption, corporatism, managerialism, profiteering, greed, and deception in in the medical profession. Patient care and patient concerns and indeed patient lives in her mind have been absolutely overcome by all of these other things. It is a landmark paper, and should be read by anyone who is going to interact with the medical community, because alas, this is the way it is now. I view this paper the exact same way I view Eisenhower’s speech about the military industrial complex. What she said is exactly true, and has only become orders of magnitude worse since 2009.

And now the paper.

Unfortunately, this study from Pfizer in the latest NEJM, and indeed this whole vaccine rollout, are case studies in the pathology Agnell described. There are more red flags in this paper and related events than present on any May Day in downtown Beijing. Yet all anyone hears from our media, our medical elites, and our politicians are loud hosannas and complete unquestioning acceptance of this new technique. And lately, ridicule and spite for anyone who dares to raise questions.

I have learned over thirty years as a primary care provider that Big Pharma deserves nothing from me but complete and total skepticism and the assumption that anything they put forth is pure deception until proven otherwise. Why so harsh? Well, to put it bluntly, Big Pharma has covered my psyche with 30 years of scars:

• As a very young doctor, I treated an extraordinary middle-aged woman who had contracted polio as a toddler from a poorly tested polio vaccine rolled out in an “emergency.” Tens of thousands of American kids shared her fate1 • The eight patients I took care of until they died from congestive heart failure that had been induced by a diabetes drug called Actos. The drug company knew full well heart failure was a risk during their trials. When it became obvious after the rollout, they did everything they could to obfuscate. Actos now carries a black box warning about increased risk of heart failure • The three women who I took care of who had been made widows as their husbands died of completely unexpected heart attacks while on Vioxx. I have no proof the Vioxx did this. But when Vioxx was finally removed from the market, the mortality rate in the US fell that year by a measurable amount, inconsistent with recent trends and forecasts. Merck knew from their trials that Vioxx had a significant risk of cardiovascular events and stroke, and did absolutely nothing to relay that danger in any way. Worse, they did everything they could to muddle information and evade responsibility once the truth started to come out • The dozens upon dozens of twenty and thirty-something patients who have been rendered emotional and spiritual zombies by the SSRIs, antipsychotics and amphetamines they have been taking since childhood. Their brain never learned what emotions were, much less how to process them and we are left with empty husks where people never developed. The SSRIs and antipsychotics were NEVER approved for anyone under 18. EVER. While there are some validated uses for stimulants in children, they are obviously overprescribed, as confirmed by long-standing media reports of their routine use as a study/performance aid. It is all about the lucre. • The hundreds and hundreds of 40-60 year olds who have been hollowed out from the legal prescribing of opioids. All the while the docs were resisting this assault, the drug companies and the paid-off academics and medical elites were changing the rules to make physicians who did not treat any pain at all with opiates into evil Satan-worshippers. And they paid for media appearances to drive across the point: OPIATES ARE GOOD. WE HAVE MADE THEM SO YOU CANNOT GET ADDICTED. And here we are now with entire states taking more opioids than in the waning days of the Chinese Empire, and we all know how that story ended. All this misery so a family of billionaires can laugh its way to the bank.

I carry all these people and more with me daily. I would not be doing a service to their memory if I allowed myself to be duped into writing another blind prescription that was going to add yet another scar.

I will dissect the important parts of this paper exactly as my mentor described above taught me. He performed years of seminal research. He was a nationally-known expert in his field.

In medicine, especially in top-tier journals like NEJM, landmark papers are always accompanied by an editorial. These editorials are written by a national expert who almost always has “peer-reviewed” the source material as well. This is how the reader knows that an expert in the field has looked over the source material and that it supports the conclusions in the paper. My mentor did this all the time. The binders all over his office were the actual underlying data that he scrutinized to confirm the findings. There is no way on earth to print and publish the voluminous source material. Editorial review was one sure way all to assure that someone independent, with appropriate experience, confirmed the findings. This was onerous work, but he and thousands of others did it because this is the very essence of science. He was scrupulous in his editorials about findings, problems, and conclusions. It was after all his reputation as well.

My first lesson from him: READ THE EDITORIAL FIRST. It gets the problems in your head before you read the statistics and methods, etc. in the actual paper. It gives you the context of the study in history. It often includes a vigorous discussion of why the study is important.

Admittedly, over the past generation, as the corporatism and dollar-counting has taken over my profession and its ethics, this function of editorial authoring has become at times increasingly bizarre and too-obviously predisposed to conclude with glad tidings of joy, especially if pharmaceuticals are involved.

So I read the editorial first. You can find it on the NEJM webpage, in the top right corner.

And, amazingly, it is basically a recitation of the same whiz-bang Pfizer puffery that we have all been reading for the past few weeks. There really is not much new. Furthermore, it is filled with words like “triumph” and “dramatic success”. Those accolades have yet to be earned. This vaccine has not yet even been released. Surely, “triumph” is a bit premature. Those words would NEVER have been used by my mentor or similar researchers in his generation. They would have been focused on the good, the bad and the ugly. A generation ago, editorial reviewers saw their job as informing the reader and making certain the clinicians that were reading knew of any limitations or problems.

In quite frankly unprecedented fashion, two different events that were carefully reported occurred almost simultaneously with the release of both the paper and the editorial. Both of these events contradict and contravene data and conclusions reported in both the paper and the editorial and I believe they deserve immediate attention. They both belie the assertions of the editorial writers that [emphasis mine] “the (safety) pattern appears to be similar to that of other viral vaccines and does not arouse specific concern”.

First, a critical issue for any clinician is “exclusion criteria”. This refers in general to groups of subjects that were not allowed into the trial prima facie. Common examples would include over 70, patients on chemotherapy and other immunosuppressed patients, children, diabetics, etc.. This issue is important because I do not want to give my patient this vaccine (available apparently next week) to any patient that is in an excluded group. Those patients really ought to wait until more information is available – FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY. And not to mention, exclusion criteria exist because the subjects in them are usually considered more vulnerable to mayhem than average subjects. From my reading of this paper, and the accompanying editorial, one would assume there were no exclusion criteria. They certainly are never mentioned.

I reiterate, the paper is silent on this question of exclusion criteria, as is the editorial. Had my mentor seen something like “exclusion criteria” in the source material, and realized that it was not in the final paper, he would have absolutely included a notice in his editorial. This would have been after calling the principal investigator and directly questioning why there was no mention in the original paper. Patient safety should be foremost on everyone’s mind at all times in clinical research and its presentation to practitioners.

And now we know there were exclusion criteria, not because of anything Pfizer, the investigators, or the NEJM did but because of stunning news out of the UK. UPDATE: I will address this at greater length, but an alert reader did find the study protocol, which were not referenced in any way that any of the nine members in my review group could find, nor were they mentioned in the text of paper or editorial, as one would expect for a medication intended for the public at large. I apologize for the oversight, but this information was not easy to find from the article, not mentioned or linked to from the text of the article, the text of the editorial, in the “Figures/Media,” or in a supplemental document.

In the UK on day 1 of the rollout, two nurses with severe allergies experienced anaphylaxis, a life-threatening reaction to this vaccine. Only after world-wide coverage did Pfizer admit that there was an exclusion criterion for severe allergies in their study.

Ummm, Pfizer, since we are now getting ready to give this to possibly millions of people in the next few weeks – ARE THERE ANY OTHER EXCLUSION CRITERIA? Should I, as a physician, specifically not be giving this to patients with conditions that you have excluded?

Furthermore, NEJM, since you published this trial, have you bothered to at least put a correction on this trial on your website that it should NOT be given to people with severe allergies? I certainly see nothing like this.

Should someone from the NEJM or the FDA be all over Pfizer to ascertain the existence of other exclusion groups so we do not accidentally harm or kill someone over the next two weeks?

Unfortunately, Americans, you have your answer from the FDA about severe allergic reactions right from a press conference in which Dr. Peter Marks, the director of FDA’s Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research is quoted as saying:

Even people who’ve had a severe allergic reaction to food or to something in the environment in the past should be OK to get the shot….1.6% of the population has had a severe allergic reaction to a food or something in the environment. We would really not like to have that many people not be able to receive the vaccine.

Are you serious? Dr. Marks, have you ever seen an anaphylactic reaction? I live in a very rural area. Many patients live 30 minutes or more from the hospital. What if one of them had an anaphylactic reaction to this vaccine hours after administration, had no epi-pen and had to travel a half hour to get to the nearest hospital? There is a very high likelihood that a good outcome would not occur. Sometimes, as a physician, I simply cannot believe what I am hearing out of the mouths of our so-called medical leaders.

To the writers of the editorial accompanying this research:

Did you actually look at the source material? The existence of at least one exclusion criterion for severe allergic reactions had to be in there somewhere. If you did look at the source material, are there others that the physicians of America need to know about? If they were not in the source material, after the events in the UK, has anyone bothered to follow up with Pfizer about this omission?

Does anyone at NEJM or Pfizer or FDA plan to fully inform the physicians of America? Does ANYONE at NEJM or Pfizer or FDA care about patient safety?

Now for the second story that got my attention this week, an article from JAMA Internal Medicine, a subsidiary of JAMA, The Journal of the American Medical Association.

JAMA, like NEJM, is one of America’s landmark medical journals. I will assure you that JAMA is not the National Enquirer. This piece was written by a nursing researcher. It is very likely she is well-versed in all aspects of American medical research.

In her story, she details her recruitment and her experience in the Pfizer COVID trial, the same one we are dissecting here. She describes in detail her experience with the vaccine and the fact that she is concerned that many patients are likely going to feel very sick after the injection. She wrote up her own reactions, and included a very troubling one. About 15 hours after her second injection, she developed a fever of 104.9. She explained that she called her reaction to the Research Nurse promptly the next morning. The recounted the response of the Research Nurse to her information as “A lot of people have reactions after the second injection. Keep monitoring your symptoms and call us if anything changes.”

Thankfully, it appears this nurse has completely recovered. From the best I can tell, this encounter occurred in late August and early September, putting it well within the trial’s recruitment of arms as detailed in the paper.

This JAMA article impinges directly on Figure 2 on page 7 of the paper, a graphic that that lays out all the major side effects during in the trial.

It is very important to note that based on the trial’s own data, conveniently laid out on the very top of the figure in green, blue, orange and red, a temperature of 104.9F or 40.5 C is described as a Grade 4 event. The definition of a Grade 4 event is anything that is life-threatening or disabling. A fever of 104.9 can have grave consequences for any adult and is absolutely a Grade 4 event.

By law, a grade 4 event must immediately be reported to the FDA, and to the Institutional Review Board (the entity charged with overseeing the safety of the subjects) and to the original investigators. THERE IS NO EXCEPTION. One would think that would also be reported in the research paper to at least alert clinicians to be on the lookout.

I could not find any mention of this event in the text of the paper. NOT ONE. Let’s take a closer look at Figure 2 on page 7 where adverse events are reported in a table form. Please note: this is a very busy image, and in the browser version, with very low resolution graphics that are profoundly difficult to read (they are a bit clearer if you download the PDF). This is a time-tested pharmaceutical company tactic to obscure findings that they do not want you to see. My mentor warned me about ruses like these years ago, and finding one raises the possibility that deception is in play.

The area for the reporting of this Grade 4 reaction would be on the 2nd row down at the left of the set called B, titled systemic events and use of medication. The area of concern would be where the graph is marked with the number 16. Do you see a red line there? It would be at the very top. I have blown this up 4 times on my computer and see no red there. I am left to assume that this Grade 4 “Life Threatening or Disabling” event that was clearly within the time parameters of this trial was not reported in this study.

To those who say that I am making way too much out of one patient with a severe fever, let’s do a little math. There are 37,706 participants in the “Main Safety Population” (from Table 1), of which 18.860 received the vaccine.2 Let us assume that this individual was the only one that had a GRADE 4 reaction. Let us also assume that the end goal is to vaccinate every American a total of 330,000,000 people. So if we extrapolate this 1 out of 18,860 into all 330,000,000 of us, it suggest that roughly 17,500 could have this kind of fever. Now assume a 70% vaccination rate, and you get that would be approximately 12,250. I hope you now understand that in clinical medicine related to trials like this – a whole lot of nothing can turn into a whole lot of something quickly when you extrapolate to the entire targeted group. Does anyone not think that the clinicians of America should be prepared for anything like this that may be coming?

A couple more questions for NEJM and the editorial writers:

Were you ever made aware that this Grade 4 reaction occurred? Now that we have a reliable report that it occurred, has there been any attempt to investigate?

Did the Research Nurse actually report this event? If not, was she just simply not trained or was there deliberate efforts to conceal such reactions? How many more reactions were reported anywhere this trial was conducted and that did not make it to the FDA, the IRB or possibly the investigators? Is that not a cause for concern?

As if this is not enough, there is so much more wrong with this editorial. Now we are going to talk about corruption.

I want to reiterate my concern that over the past generation, as my profession has lost its way, its medical journals have turned into cheering sections for Big Pharma rather than referees and safety monitors. We all should relish the great things medical science is doing, but we should be doing EVERYTHING we can to minimize injury and death. Too often our journals have become enablers of Big Pharma deceiving our physicians and the public. Unfortunately, this paper and its editorial look troublingly like a case study of this development.

To provide context, I looked over the last month of the NEJM, the issues from November 12, 19 and 26th and December 3rd. Based on having read the NEJM over the years, I believe these four weeks are representative.

During this period, there were 15 original articles published in the fields of Oncology, General Surgery, Infectious Disease, Endocrinology, Renal, Cardiology, Pulmonary and Ear Nose & Throat. Of these 15 articles, the editors thought that eight were important enough to have an editorial from an acknowledged expert. I have read every one of these studies and the editorials as I do every week. All eight in the past month were indeed by leading experts in the field of the underlying studies. They included a COVID vaccine overview reviewed by an leading figure in vaccinology, and two COVID papers about Plaquenil and other approaches discussed by top infectious disease experts.

It was unlikely that those papers were going to get national media attention. All medical stuff.

But here we have our Pfizer vaccine paper. We have 300,000 fatalities in the USA alone and millions of cases. We have whacked our economy, we are in the depths of a national emergency. And we have a paper, the first, that may offer a glimpse of hope. Certainly this would be a landmark paper, and certainly it was treated in that manner? Right?

One would think that the doctors of America would have this study explained to them by a world-known vaccinologist? NOPE…..Maybe a virologist? NOPE….. Maybe a leading government official? Dr. Fauci? Dr. Birx? Dr. Osterholm? NOPE…..Maybe an expert in coronaviruses? NOPE…

We get the Pfizer ad glossy editorial treatment from Eric Rubin MD, the editor-in-chief of the NEJM. And Dr, Longo, an associate editor. Dr. Longo is an oncologist. Dr. Rubin is at least a recognized infectious disease doctor, but his specialty based on my Google search is mycobacterium, not virology. Again, one would normally anticipate for a paper of this importance, the editorial would be from someone with directly on point expertise.

Why would this fact been important to my mentor? (and I had the privilege of hearing him trash a paper in an open forum about a very similar issue, a paper introducing a drug to the world that later was the disaster of the decade, Vioxx) Why is this important to me and all the other physicians in my review group here in flyover country yesterday?

Because the choice of authorship of the editorial leads you to one of only several conclusions:

• Pfizer would not release the source data because of proprietary corporate concerns and no self-respecting expert would review without it • Pfizer knew there are problems and did not want anyone with expertise to find out and publicize them • The editors could not find a real expert willing to put their name on a discussion • Drs. Rubin and Longo are on some kind of journey to Vanity Fair and wanted their names on an “article for the ages” • This is a rush job, and no one had time to do anything properly, and so we just threw it all together in a flash

Readers, pick your poison. If anyone can think of a sound reason, please let me know. I am all ears.

But let’s open up the can of worms a bit more. Pfizer supports NEJM. Just a brief swipe through of recent editions yielded several Pfizer ads. A Pfizer ad appeared on my NEJM website this AM. I do not know how much they pay in advertising but appears to be quite a bit.

Americans, have we devolved so far in our grift that it is now appropriate for the EDITOR-IN-CHIEF of our landmark medical journal to be personally authoring “rah rah” editorials about a product of a client that supports his journal with ad dollars? And he has the gall to not present this conflict on his disclosure form? Really? Am I the only one worried about this type of thing?

Now we travel from the can of worms to the sewer. And this impacts every single one of us. I want you to Google the names of the people on the FDA committee that voted 17-4-1 two days ago to proceed with the Emergency Use Declaration. Go ahead – Google it. On that list, you will find the name Eric Rubin, MD. Why yes indeed, that is the very same Eric Rubin MD who wrote this editorial. Who is the Editor-in-Chief of the NEJM. A publication that certainly takes ad dollars from Pfizer. And he was one of the 17 to vote for the Pfizer product to be immediately used in an emergency fashion. Oh yes, oh yes he was.

Am I the only one who can recognize that Pfizer and other pharma companies may have some influence on Dr. Rubin thanks continued support of his employer, the NEJM? Am I the only one concerned that Dr. Rubin’s “rah rah” editorial may have been influenced by Pfizer? Is anyone else troubled that the Editor-in-Chief of the NEJM, supported by Big Pharma advertising dollars, is sitting on an FDA board to decide the fate of any pharmaceutical product? Is this not the very definition of corruption? Or at least a severe conflict of interest? I strongly suspect that a thorough evaluation of members of that committee will reveal other problems. As my grandmother always used to say, “There is never just one roach under a refrigerator.”

I looked in vain all day today for media discussions of conflicts of interest with Dr. Rubin or anyone else in a position of authority. I found nothing.

What I did find was the Boston NPR affiliate WBUR discussing Dr. Rubin’s Yes vote. You can listen yourself:

This interview left me much more concerned about Dr. Rubin’s role and what exactly he read in the raw data from Pfizer. In this interview, he admits that he as an FDA advisory member has seen no data from the Moderna trial coming up for a vote this week:

These two vaccines are fairly similar to one another, so I am hoping the data will look good, but we haven’t seen the data yet, so I reserve judgement.

Excuse me, but should not the members already have the data and be mulling over it to ask intelligent questions?

These statements left me more worried about the issues I have already brought up with the Pfizer vaccine:

We don’t know if there are particular groups that should or should not get the vaccine…We do not know what will happen to safety over the longer term.

When finally asked specifically about the UK allergic reactions and if they came up in the FDA meeting (emphasis mine):

It did come up and this was a bit of a surprise because in the trial, that trial was limited to specific kinds of participants, there were apparently no incidents like that, nevertheless this suggests it is something we are going to have to look out for.

There is absolutely not a word in the published data to suggest there was a limit to SPECIFIC PARTICIPANTS – what on earth is he talking about? Are there limited specific kinds of patients that we as physicians should be looking to vaccinate?

In a fine finish, toward the end of the interview Dr. Rubin states he is a bit relieved that low risk patients will be getting the vaccine later after we know more about the side effects with the first patients. I am really not trying to be a jerk – but are you kidding me? I thought this vaccine was a triumph with minimal side effects.

Dr. Rubin, kind sir, I really feel that you owe a clarification about your statements in the WBUR interview to the patients and caregivers of America. We are the ones with lives on the line.

First, I have the privilege of sitting on an Institutional Review Board (an independent entity that protects patient safety) and I know something about Grade 4 side effects. Just for 1 Grade 4 side effect in one subject, the accompanying documentation would often be a half a ream of paper. Because I agreed to do that job, it was my obligation to look through that documentation. That half a ream was for one side effect in one trial. Yet, you state unequivocally in this interview, that you, as a sitting member of the FDA committee that oversees the safety of the nation in this affair, have not seen any of the Moderna documentation for that upcoming meeting this week.

For readers to fully understand what I am saying, this Moderna documentation is going to be reams and reams of documents that need to be evaluated carefully to ask the right questions. And you have not yet studied this? For a meeting in just a few days? I find this deeply troubling. Your statements create the appearance the committee you are sitting on is nothing more than a rubber stamp for a decision that has already been made. This would be an absolute tragedy.

Second, Dr. Rubin, you in your position as the Editor-in-Chief of the NEJM and the editorial writer for this research, may be one of the few people on earth that have seen the original Pfizer research. Despite calling this a triumph, you state in the interview that you are relieved that younger people less likely to get the vaccine early so you will have time to wait to see if complications develop in the first patients. You have stated, despite your assertion in the editorial that the side effects were consistent with other vaccines, that “we don’t know if there are particular groups that should or should not get the vaccine”. Have you seen something in that “triumph” research that is concerning enough to you to make such statements? As a physician, I would really like a clarification on this statement, given that the shots are already rolling out today.

Now that we are past the editorial, a few words about the nuts and bolts of the paper.

I look for very specific red flags – usually making the data difficult to interpret. This study did not disappoint.

On page 5, in Table 1, the Demographic Description of the participants, go down to the AGE GROUP area. Note it is divided into only two cohorts 16-55 and >55. This is a real problem. My mentor said an honest paper should never deploy such a tactic.

You see, more than half of my patients are over 70. Why is this kind of obfuscation a real problem for my ability to trust the vaccine? Well, the intro papers to many pharmaceuticals that have gone down the drain in recent years have used this very same device. It is their way of hiding the fact that they did not put many older patients in the trial, certainly not representative of the population, and certainly not representative of who is seemingly going to get this vaccine in the first round. Do I know that 90% of the >55 group is actually between 55-58? I don’t. How hard would it be for them to do a breakdown in decades? 16-25 26-35 36-45 46-55 56-65 66-75 76-85? We have lots of computers in this country and the population breakdown is done this way on studies I read all the time. Why not do provide this information on a study that is this critically important, particularly one where elderly patients will be near the head of the line?

What are they trying to do here? Unfortunately, too often drugmakers resort to this practice to hide their failure to test their drug on the elderly to an appropriate or safe degree, knowing there would likely be lots of problems. Because of their past behavior, I ALWAYS assume this is true until proven otherwise and act accordingly with my elderly patients.

That is the world these companies have made for themselves.

Now for the tables on pages 6 and 7 about immediate side effects.

Just a brief look shows that local soreness and tenderness is very common, up to 75% with this vaccine. That is a bit high, but not that far out of range from my experience with other vaccines.

The tables on page 7 are the whoppers.

Headaches, fatigue, chills, muscle pain and joint pain appear to be very common, way more common than other vaccines I am used to, as in an order of magnitude higher. It is very clear from this table that about half the patients, especially the younger ones, are going to feel bad after this vaccine. That is extraordinary.

We are told nothing about how long these symptoms last or the amount of time at work lost. The “minimal side effects comparable with other viral vaccines” in the editorial and press releases is just not consistent at all with my experience of 30 years as a primary care physician. There was universal agreement with this assessment among my MD colleagues. They had great concern about this as a matter of fact: great concern that it will cause bad publicity and decrease administration and great concern that given this already high side effect profile, it may be much worse when it gets out to the public.

Given the fact that this virus is largely asymptomatic in more than half the people infected, what exactly are we doing here?

Furthermore, unlike other pharmaceutical papers that try to explain variances in symptoms like this, there is not a word offered about possible underlying causes of these outcomes.

The numbers of COVID cases in the placebo group vs the vaccine group have been widely publicized, from 162 cases in the placebo group down to 8 in the vaccine group, giving a relative reduction of 95%. It seemed to all of us in our review group that we do not have nearly enough patients to really make assessments. That is not a criticism. The researchers have done admirably in my opinion to get this many patients this quickly. That is still the problem: they are going to be using the first million patients or so in the general public to get a real gauge on numbers and side effects.

Another issue of grave concern to us all on Friday was the asymptomatic cases. The only subjects counted in the 162 and the 8 numbers above were patients with symptoms. Who knows how many in each cohort were asymptomatic.

This to me leads to the most important question of all, and it was again completely untouched….. How many asymptomatic patients are there? And how many who were vaccinated are still able to spread the virus? Not even an attempt to answer that question. This is critical, and is one of the ways a vaccine can backfire. If a vaccine does not provide sterilizing immunity, ie stop transmission, it is of limited use for disease control. It is great for the individual, but if they can remain without symptoms and still spread it all around it does not help from a public health standpoint.

I have described my concerns and red flags about this study. I would like to add one more thing. Pharmaceuticals that go bad rarely do so in the first few weeks or months. Rather, the adverse effects take months or years. It is a known unknown of not just vaccines but any kind of drug. Our pharma companies have become notorious for having inklings or indeed full knowledge that there is a problem early on, and saying nothing until many are maimed or killed. I will assume that this is the case in this class of drugs until proven otherwise. They are such deceivers I have no choice.

Due to sense of urgency my colleagues and Ifeel about this vaccine rollout, we had an ad hoc meeting of our Journal Club to discuss the NEJM article. Of the nine physicians at the meeting, three have already had very mild cases of COVID. Of the nine, only one is enthusiastic about these vaccines. I have a wait and see stance. I will not be taking it myself. I have too many scars, too many staring at me from the grave to take any other approach.

My patients’ feeeback on the COVID vaccine has been very different than the polls finding that 60% are ready to take it. About half my patients are in the professional/managerial classes and feature a higher level of the 0.1% than the US overall. They tend to be more blue. Most prefer to wait and thankful that health care workers were getting it first. The other half who are working class, more red, and they feel the whole thing is a hoax. They will not be getting the vaccine – likely ever.

The only enthusiasts I would call elderly Rachel Maddow fans. That really makes no sense to me at all since Operation Warp Speed was a Trump project and even Kamala Harris said she would not take a vaccine that Trump recommended.

I would say AT BEST 25% of my patients will be getting this vaccine shortly after being available. There is widespread skepticism that is not being acknowledged by our media. The pharmaceutical industry has worked tirelessly to earn every bit of that disrespect.

Please look at Dr. Angell’s seminal article from 2009. She predicted in her works, all of this and more. My profession has been captured by a cabal of corporatist MBA clones, rapacious and unethical pharmaceutical entities, and an academic elite addicted to credentialism and cronyism. They have over the years bought off and infiltrated all of our government health care regulating agencies and our public health system. And they are completely incestuous. I believe where we are now to be worse than Dr. Angell could have ever dreamed. Even more depressing, I see no way out.

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1 As a special homage to the polio patient described above, a truly exceptional woman, let me underscore that the disastrous rollout of the this polio vaccine came at a time similar to ours. Panic and malaise were in the air. The children of America and the world were being stricken with polio at an alarming rate. Dr. Alton Ochsner, a leading figure in medicine of the day, vaccinated both of his grandchildren in public in an attempt to bolster confidence in the vaccines. Within 8 days his grandson was dead of bulbar polio. All the celebrities and politicians lining up to take this vaccine on national TV should remember this tragedy. “Stupid human tricks” like this have no place in this kind of situation, and can backfire in unexpected ways. Unlike that era’s polio vaccine, there is no way on earth this vaccine can transmit COVID. However, there are those of us in the medical profession who treat the plan to make population-wide use of messenger RNA, which before these trials had been repeatedly investigated but never reached the human trial stage save in a small scale Zika vaccine study. This is no time for machismo. This is also no time for anything less than complete transparency on the part of everyone involved in the quest for safe and effective vaccines. To behave in any other way is an affront to patients like mine who have suffered and died in the past.

2 If you read the paper, you might well have wondered about that 18,860 number and even checked Table 1 to make sure it’s accurate (it is), since the third paragraph of the Abstract, under the headline “Results,” has very different figures:

A total of 43,548 participants underwent randomization, of whom 43,448 received injections: 21,720 with BNT162b2 and 21,728 with placebo.

So how did the researchers get from 21,720 injected with the vaccine to the 18,860 in the “Main Safety Population”? This sort of thing confirms the impression that this is a very incomplete or sloppy study. It is really not clear where the difference between the 37,706 and the 43,548, or for that matter, the 36,520 total subjects in the Tables 2 and 3 (Efficacy) come from. I used the 37,706 and hence the 18,860 that went with it from Table because it gave slightly smaller numbers than using the Table 2 and 3 figures, but they would be close to each other.

My concern here is the 6000ish discrepancy between the figures in the main text compared to the tables. Were they excluded? If so, why? I could not make heads or tails out of this, and accordingly kept it out of the body of this post. This kind of inconsistency really needs to be hashed out with the actual source data in hand, and should have been explained in the article, even if just in footnotes.

#covid19 #covid #the rona #la rona #covid-19 #covid vaccine #fuck covid #coronavirus #medecine #health #medical pharmaceuticals #pharmaceutical industry #big pharma #pfizer #vaccine rollout #operation warp speed

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all-things-are-nothing-to-me · 5 years

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DESIRE ARMED: Anarchy and the Creative Impulse

Creativity is essential to anarchist practice. This is a banality that should go without saying. But when an endless rehashing of old ideas and practices, repeated demands for models and, perhaps worst of all, a turn toward marxist and academic leftist ideas as sources for intellectual stimulation indicate a withering of practical imagination within anarchist circles at least in the US, perhaps it is time to explore the question of creativity more deeply. Certainly it would be a more pleasant task than going through all the failings of present-day anarchists in this regard. So I would like to share a few ideas about creativity, imagination and desire that I have been mulling over for years, exploring and experimenting with ways to apply them in my life and relationships, in the hope that those who want to get beyond this malaise my find them of interest.

I start from a basic premise: it isn’t possible to talk meaningfully about either creativity or desire without referring to both of them. The reason is quite simple. Desire, in its vital, healthy, fully living form is nothing more nor less than the creative impulse, which realizes itself through the practical application of imagination to one's life and one's world. But somewhere along the line, even anarchists seem to have lost track of this dynamic conception of desire, accepting instead the passive conception of desire as nothing more than a mere longing for some external object that one lacks, a conception that is quite useful to modern capitalism. This conception of desire is economic in its essence and like all economic conceptions is based on scarcity, which is to say, poverty. The object of this sort of desire exists before the desire arises, either as an idea or as a concrete thing, but is not immediately accessible to the individual who wants it. Since this sort of desire is nothing more than a sense of lack, it can be easily channeled toward these already existing objects in the interests of whatever powers have the strength to harness this lack. William Blake rightly understood that this sense of lack was not truly desire, but rather the mere ghost of desire, the weak afterimage left behind when desire is drained of its vitality, its capacity to act and create its own object.

It is only in relationship to this ghost of desire that the pathetic, poorly thought out theoretical assumption, “Society creates our desires” makes any sense at all, but even on these terms the statement remains a load of shit, a symptom of the marxian intrusion into anarchist circles with its implication that it is impossible to experience freedom now. The fallacy of the statement lies in its assumption that society acts and creates. In fact, society creates nothing. Society is nothing more than a shorthand we use to describe an interweaving set of activities and relationships between individuals that tend to reproduce themselves within a specific context. Capitalism is simply one of the terms used to describe the most recent, economy-dominated set of such activities and relationships. Thus neither society nor capitalism create anything at all. Rather, an unquestioning acceptance of the currently existing set of relationships and activities leads to an acceptance of devitalized desires, mere ghosts incapable of creating their own objects and thus satisfying themselves. And this leads people to continue to act and relate in habitual ways that reinforce this condition.

There are many factors that can drain an individual’s desire of its vital energy: desperate poverty, emotional trauma, repressive onslaughts from those with greater power (parents, teachers, cops, soldiers, priests, government and corporate institutions,…), but on the large scale, desire is drained of its creative essence when life is drained of its voluptuous generosity, its luxurious excess. To some extent, this begins to happen anywhere that authority and hierarchies of wealth and power exist. But most social orders have simply contained these effusive aspects of life in festivals and carnivals rather than fully suppressing them. Even Catholicism in the Middle Ages continued to leave room for such contained expressions of voluptuous excess. In the Western world, the puritanical morality of Protestantism managed to suppress this tendency in a timely manner (though not without quite a fight…) serving the needs of the rising bourgeois class. Condemning voluptuous pleasures, luxurious excess and the generous squandering of life, this morality instead gave value to work, thrift and measured moderation. Tellingly, the first two were also called industry and economy. And the last corresponds well with bookkeeping. By suppressing the values that gave desire its basis as a creative force, puritanical morality suppressed desire itself, ultimately driving it into unconsciousness. Here it no longer exists as a vital, living energy, but as an often monstrous and always sterile ghost. Without the generous, luxurious fullness of life as a basis, it is transformed into a lack, a longing, that seeks an object outside itself to fill its emptiness. Life becomes mere survival, the desperate hunt for such objects to sate an endless hunger. Only this utter degradation could allow desire to be harnessed to the machinery of industry and the economy.

There are several practical considerations that can be drawn from these ideas. First of all, there is the basic anarchist idea, which unfortunately seems to have been forgotten by many present-day anarchists, that society creates nothing, that rather everything is created through the activity of individuals relating to other individuals and to their environment. It follows from this that any genuinely anarchist practice begins with individuals taking possession of their activities and relationships, becoming the conscious creators of their own lives. This leaves no room for victimism and stands in utter contradiction to the marxian idea that no one can experience freedom as long as this society exists. This marxian concept reifies freedom, making it a thing external to us that will only be achieved in some distant future and on a global scale. But I prefer the dialectic of Heracleitus to that of Marx. For me, freedom is not a promise for the future, but a way to continuously confront the world where I exist now, taking possession of my life with all my might, in conflict with everything that stands in my way. This ongoing conflict (which will not end simply because we somehow manage to eradicate the entire institutional framework of authority) is what makes the essential destructive, negating aspects of anarchist practice one with the creative aspects. Consciously creating our lives as our own means destroying every chain that holds as back, smashing through every barrier that gets in our way. Thus, there is no use in waiting for some condition to hand us our freedom. We need to act now for our own sakes and on our own terms, not for any cause nor on terms set by those who want to maintain the ruling order.

In light of all this, the liberation of desire takes on a particular meaning: it is the revitalization of desire as a creative impulse, its liberation from its impoverished, sterile condition as a desperate longing for an external object. This project means creating our lives and practice in direct opposition to the social world that surrounds us and its values. In other words, rejecting the impoverishment that resides in the values of thrift, industry and measure, of lives and goods for sale, in favor of voluptuous pleasure, luxurious excess and the generous squandering of life, freeing life from the chains of survival. I think it should be obvious that this is another situation in which our anarchic end coincides with the means, in that creating our lives in a luxurious, voluptuous manner is already the freeing of desire as a creative force.

But those of us who want to take on this project need to, first of all, examine the ways this impoverishment has inserted itself into anarchist circles. I don't want to go into a detailed critique of identity politics (including the transformation of one's personal choices into moral identities) and political correctitude. Suffice it to say that these intrusions from the post-whatever, academic left into anarchist thought and practice have always been about creating rules, limits and boundaries, not about destroying them. They are the measured voice of impoverishment intended to put and keep each of us in our place. But there have been some other trends within anarchist circles in recent years that could have had a potential for enriching it, that did seem to do so briefly before falling into moralistic and mystical thinking. I am speaking of the critiques of certain broad areas of human activity like language, art, symbolic activity and the like. Where these critiques have been examinations of the limits of these activities, they have opened the door to interesting explorations of how we might expand beyond these limits, enriching our lives and our worlds. But expanding beyond the limits of these activities does not require their destruction (unlike the institutions of power, language, art and symbolic activity are not barriers, cages or chains, simply specific tools/toys with their limitations), but rather their enrichment. Unfortunately, the most strident voices proclaiming on these matters moved away from exploratory critique into mystical and moral condemnation. Rather than challenging the limits of these oh so human activities with the aim of enriching our lives, these prophets of despair declare that until we could be rid of these things, we cannot know freedom, because for them freedom consists of a return to a universal oneness that they claim once existed. As puritanical as any Calvinistic theology and as deterministic as the most vulgar marxism, this sort of theory (or rather ideology) offers nothing to any sort of practice. Like the ideologies it imitates, it drains desire of any life turning it to mere longing, and so we end up not with interesting critical explorations, but with primitivism. Those anarchists who want to live creatively, enriching their existences, making their lives expansive, voluptuous and rich, don't just need to refuse these pseudo-critiques, but also to attack them fiercely, using exploratory practical critique that provides a basis for an ongoing theoretical practice to expose the ideological nature of these sad sermons.

But perhaps the aspect that is most difficult in achieving the voluptuous, expansive life that is necessary to revitalizing desire as a creative impulse is getting beyond survival. I have tried to discuss this question with people many times on several levels, and always the conversation reverts back to how to survive better, with greater ease and comfort, and so the point is missed. But this is understandable. We all have to eat. We all want shelter at least in bad weather. We all find ourselves in a world where money seems to make the rules. Even if we abstractly realize that money is simply the physical (or more often now virtual) manifestation of a particular sort of social relationship in which we all take part -- in other words, a product of our activities --, making that realization meaningful in practice seems quite difficult. Yet I think that it comes back to starting from oneself here and now, what one wants to do, how one wants to go about one's life and projects immediately. First of all, survival is simply the postponement of life to the future. It centers around maintaining existence, not enjoying it. Stirner rightly pointed out that the enjoyment of life consists in consuming it, in using it up. And this is why life, which only exists in the present, and survival, which puts life off to the future, are at loggerheads. So the first step to revitalizing desire as creative impulse is to grasp life now, enjoying it immediately.

The centrality of immediacy in this endeavor fits with the idea that desire as creative impulse does not have any preexisting object. Rather it creates its object in the process of realizing itself. This means that its object cannot be identified, institutionalized or commodified. It cannot be made into a chain on liberated, vital desire. Desire, in this sense, is thus the enemy of the civilization in which we live, because this civilization exists only through identifying, institutionalizing and commodifying. And these processes are nothing less than the erection of prisons for desire. As a creative drive, desire attacks these attempts to prevent it from moving forcefully in the world. The objects that it creates for itself in its realization are not external things (though such things my come into being as a byproduct of the creative impulse) but rather active relationships, the only sort of wealth that enriches those who squander it freely. And this is why desire has to attack institutionalized relationships that freeze activity into routine, protocol, custom and habit--into things to be done to order.

Another aspect of the refusal of the domination of survival over life, of the future over the present, is the refusal to let utility and effectiveness dominate over enjoyment, playfulness, experimentation and poetic living. The very concepts of utility and effectiveness again give desire an external object, an end outside of itself. They start from the assumption that there is a lack that must be filled, and so again remove life to the future. Refusing utility and effectiveness does not mean that what one creates in the process of living her life will be useless or ineffective; it simply means that use and effectiveness will be secondary to pleasure, enjoyment and intensity. Let's consider one of the most basic human needs: food. We could very easily limit ourselves to getting a hold of just a few basic simple foods, preparing them in the blandest, simplest ways and thus sating our physical hunger. Instead, we enjoy exploring varieties of flavors, creating complicated concoctions to stimulate our pleasure, transforming eating (and all of the processes that lead up to into) into a voluptuous, sensual, even intoxicating experience... This food remains useful, but it has gone far beyond usefulness, because the pleasure principle has stimulated our creative impulse. Other creative endeavors operate in a similar manner. I may write a poem with a specific purpose behind it, something I am trying to say, but what makes it a poem is not this utilitarian aspect. What makes it a poem is the utterly useless play of words and images, the dance that gives a certain voluptuous humor and convulsive beauty to the words. In fact, in a poem, I always consider this aspect far more important than any intended message, because this is what expresses the attitude toward life that I endeavor to put into practice in revolt against this world.

So, as I see it, voluptuousness, excess, squandering generosity, immediacy, gratuitousness and playfulness are keys to rediscovering (or rather re-creating) creativity in an anarchist manner. There is no place here for renunciation or self-denial. Thus, the critique that grows from this attitude asks, "Can I make this activity, relationship, tool or toy my own or is it a barrier to my expansive creation and enjoyment of life?" If the former, I will grasp it as part of the expansive wealth of insurgent self-creative living, always seeking to push it beyond itself, as I push myself beyond myself. If the latter I will attack it with the aim of destroying it, recognizing it for the prison that it is. Having moved in this way beyond the cages of survival, utility, tactics, strategy and subjection to the future, it is possible for those anarchists willing to take this route to rediscover the creative spark and revive the practical imagination that will bring a dynamic of enjoyment and strength back to our fight against this world. But these thoughts are only the beginning of an ongoing exploration and experimentation. They are unfinished and never will be finished as long as there are those who insist upon living free and creative lives in and against this world.

#anarcho-nihilism #anarchy #anti civ #anti identity politics #anti essentialism #anti politics #attack #individualism #insurrectionary anarchism #social war #post left #communism #anarchism

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aclockworkcat · 6 years

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Having thoughts and then saying them: a guide to speaking up in class

Asking questions during lecture and speaking up in discussion section are great ways to stay engaged during class, learn things, and make an impression on your professors. They can also be a bit intimidating, so here are three patterns of questions and three attitudes to take that can result in productive question-asking.

(Before any of that, though, I must highlight one thing: Do the reading! Do your homework! It's much easier to have things to say when you're prepared.)

First, the (non-exhaustive) question categories . . .

What's the exception? Asking yourself this question is one of the easiest ways to produce interesting questions about a topic. What is your professor not talking about? What is an example where the theory they're discussing produces weird results? What is a counterexample to the statement they just made? Making this even easier, different disciplines often have their own established "exceptions"/edge cases that can quickly produce fruitful questions. For example, even today you can still get a lot from asking "What was going on with the women/peasants/slaves?" in a history class, and bilingualism produces all sorts of interesting complications in linguistics. I'm no expert, but I might also throw out discontinuous functions or empty lists as more technical examples. However, the most exceptional questions stem from points that are exceptions only to the current topic at hand. For instance, "How does this theory of prosody involving syllables deal with non-syllabic languages?" or "That doesn't seem to apply to the Russian revolution of 1905." Successfully finding an exception usually demonstrates that you've understood the underlying concepts (this theory relies on syllable structure) and that you can relate what you're hearing in class to outside knowledge (the Russian revolution), both of which are excellent things to demonstrate!

Prediction A great technique for developing reading comprehension in first graders, this is still relevant for college students sitting in class. What is the next step the professor will take in solving this math problem? What are the implications of this theory? What will result from the actions of this historical figure? What will the professor talk about on the next slide? If your prediction is correct, congratulations, you understand the material! If your prediction is incorrect, even better! Try to isolate the reasons why your prediction differs from reality, then ask about them. Some examples of prediction-related questions: "Why did you use method x instead of method y?" "Are there factors related to religion/subject-verb agreement/evolution that lead to the otherwise surprising result of x?" "If my [probably wrong] understanding of x is correct, that should imply y, which seems weird??" "If my understanding of x is correct, that should imply y - has y been observed?" "How did Constantinople react when faced with these going-ons across their border?" "Can you talk about [interesting thing you predicted the professor would talk about but then they never did]?"

Emotional Reaction Are you mad about what you read or what you're hearing? Sad? Inspired? Talk about it! To be fair, this is best for discussion sections in the humanities/social sciences, which study such questions as "What is the most common emotional reaction to this stimulus?", "What techniques do authors use to get the emotional reaction they want?", or "How did the emotional reactions of people living through this past event lead to the next thing that happened?" The easiest way for me to explain how to spin an emotion into an argument is through examples, so here are three examples of thought processes easily develop-able into things to say: "I found this piece of historical propaganda surprisingly compelling - for reasons x - and the people at whom it was targeted might also find it compelling for reasons x' - or maybe not for reasons y - but the makers of this propaganda were definitely using methods x'' to try and reach people - who were the precise demographic targeted by this propaganda anyway? - meanwhile these events were going on which makes this propaganda misleading at best, so I don't really endorse my reaction but ..." "Wow, this character was really underserved by the author - but they were definitely morally justified for reasons x - though I suppose some might argue y - I could feel the way they were being judged wrongly through the wording of these lines - and I don't think it was just an unreliable narrator because of these events ..." "Okay, I get that you're obsessed with the Orient, but how othering can you possibly get? - how accurate was the information available about India at the time anyway? that must have been at least two layers of translation - was this attitude shared by most of his contemporaries? - was there any reaction from anyone in India - hmm looks like his opinions about God are kind of intertwined with this, that's interesting ..."

Moving on to the attitudes . . .

Argumentative This is absolutely the attitude most conducive to having thoughts. This is partially because it's the easiest mental place from which to play the game of "What's the exception?", but in general it's just easiest to have valuable thoughts when you're busy having opinions. Unfortunately, it's also the attitude most conducive to coming off like an arrogant jerk. I think the best way to think about this is that you're not arguing with your professor, you're arguing with the material presented (which could be full of lies to children or other such "errors"). Actually, you're not even arguing with that - you're arguing with your understanding of the material! (See "If my [probably wrong] understanding of x is correct, that should imply y, which seems weird??") Trying to develop this sort of attitude is also a good counterbalance to any tendency towards shyness or a reluctance to question the information presented.

Curious It's really important that you're asking questions you genuinely want the answer to, talking about things that you legitimately find interesting. It's fine to be partially motivated by wanting to seem intelligent, but excuses to sound smart generally don't actually sound very smart.

Literally saying anything Seriously. Say anything vaguely relevant/interesting that pops into your head. Speaking rarely is actually a pretty risky strategy. What if that one thing you thought was super insightful was actually kind of dumb? Then nothing that you said in class was worthwhile. If you say a lot of stuff, on the other hand, even if some of it is a bit silly everything will still average out into a general impression of intelligence. Also, even questions that show your ignorance can prove that you at least had thoughts in your head. Asking the professor to clarify a specific step in a math problem shows that you were following along with the previous steps. Returning again to "If my [probably wrong] understanding of x is correct, that should imply y, which seems weird??", this sort of question proves that you were thinking about implications. Ultimately, I did much better in classes where I spent most of my time wishing my mouth would just stop talking than classes where I spent most of my time staring out the window.

And now for the bonus. . .

Asking for further resources This is hands down the best sort of question to demonstrate motivation, intelligence, and interest while building a relationship with your professor. Go to office hours, or chat with them after class, and ask for recommendations about something you find interesting. If you actually read the thing (highly recommended!) then you have a ready-made topic of discussion to go to office hours with and build that relationship further. If that sounds too intimidating, you can just briefly mention one part of the thing you read that you found interesting if they ask and get brownie points from that. If even that is too much, well - you just read an interesting new thing! There's no way to lose. Examples: "I'm actually a linguistics major, so my attention was caught by your mention of the role of language in colonization. Is there an introduction to the topic you could recommend?" "I thought your brief explanation of neural nets was super interesting – is there anything I can read to find out more?"

#mine #i'm actually (unjustifiably) proud of this #college #advice #college advice #classes #i have a charisma of 7 but i put all my skill points into 'appearing smart and relatively humble in academic contexts'#this is unfortunately less useful now that i am no longer in academic contexts

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purplesurveys · 5 years

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520

What is your best talent? I’m gonna guess writing, since I get compliments on it and I fairly enjoy doing it.

Do you know anyone named Nicole? Nicole is a pretty popular second name in the Philippines but I don’t know anyone actually going by the name.

Have you ever had a true FML? I’ve been around 21 years and I’m pretty clumsy, so there’s been a handful. Just yesterday I was drinking milk tea when a pearl got stuck in my straw and I couldn’t drink any of the tea. I didn’t want to sip it in for fear of having the pearl lodged in my throat, so I did the opposite and blew air onto the straw. The milk tea exploded all over my face and my outfit lmao

Are you considering having children right now? Not right now, but I’d want a couple by the next decade or so.

Do you enjoy the darkness? Only when I have to sleep. Otherwise, the dark can trigger me to be sad and start thinking dark thoughts.

Are you afraid of being single? Well, where I am now, yes. I’m in a great place with Gab and I wouldn’t want to lose her. But the idea of being single itself doesn’t bother me a lot - it just means more money to spend on myself hahaha.

Do you have a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week? Nope.

Are you good at deceiving others? Only when it comes to looking cheery when I’ve really been having an internal breakdown - I don’t like letting people in. But other than that, I’m awful at lying.

How much memory does your computer have? Just 120 GB. I don’t save a lot of stuff so I didn’t feel the need for storage space.

Do you play video games? Sometimes, and when I do it’s 1) easy, family-friendly games like those on the Wii, or 2) simply goofing around in open world games and not actually doing missions. I’m really bad at video games and have never finished one, so I never formed an attachment to them like others have.

What color are your eyes? Black.

Is your hair layered? Nah, I don’t think I’ve had it layered since I was 11.

What is the closest yellow thing to you? The blanket on me has yellow polka dots.

Do you believe in labeling others? Sure, but only if it’s based from personal experiences. The best example I could give you is labeling people I go to school with, and if they’re decent groupmates or just pain-in-the-ass freeloaders. I don’t like going any more personal than that, though; when I do ~label it’s just to look out for my own sanity.

Have you ever shot an animal? NO.

How do you feel about Judge Judy? I have never seen it and have no idea what it’s about.

Do you exercise daily? No, but I do have PE on Wednesdays and Fridays. How many months have you been alive? 257.

Can you do cool things with your hair? Nope. The most creative thing I can do with it is a bun. I don’t know how to do a braid and much less anything more creative than that. Do you have a couch in your house? Yeah. We bought an L-shaped couch fairly recently and it is everythinggggg. Would you like to have a soda machine in your room? No thanks, I hate soda.

Are you impatient? In most contexts, yeah. Would you pay someone to drive you around everywhere? Maybe not everywhere since I do know how to drive and enjoy it from time to time, but it would be nice to have this luxury especially if I have to go to places where I’d have to go through traffic. Do you think soap operas are too good to be true? I wouldn’t know, since I never watch/ed those. Are you conscious of your weight? I’m not conscious but I’m generally aware that I need to gain like 10 pounds. Have you ever jumped out of a window? No. Are you tolerant of pain? NOOOOOOOO I hate feeling pain. [Graphic] Currently I have a second-degree burn on the roof of my mouth because I stupidly bit on a freshly-cooked takoyaki last Monday (wasn’t able to spit it out cos I was in public and was stupidly more concerned about bystanders getting grossed out than my mouth getting burned). No skin left at all, just a big ass wound. I’ve had to skip meals and eat less because the pain is a BITCH and it has just been so uncomfortable and I get headaches from it and I want to cry. What kind of mood are you usually in? I don’t have a ‘usual’ mood. Do you feel like you can read others minds? I’m generally good at getting a feel of what they’re thinking of and how they are, but like I’m not anything close to being a mind reader lol. Do you have a webcam? It’s a part of my laptop. Do you finish other peoples sentences? Sometimes I tend to do that, but I realize it can be annoying so I avoid it. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I’m too lazy to count but 10-15 pairs seems like a safe guess. When is your birthday? April 21st.

Do you feel important where you’re at right now? Getting there. Are you short tempered? Yeah, a great deal. Do you cry when someone yells at you? Typically. My mom yelled at me a lot as a kid so I get very sensitive when anyone raises their voices at me. Have you ever been homeless? Nope. How many online accounts do you have? I have a lot, if we’re counting sites beyond social media. I’ve had to sign up for apps for classes, like Schoology; for alternative slide-making services like Canva; for other apps that I find useful, like Zomato. Do you drive through red lights? No, never. What sound puts you to sleep? Silence. As much as possible it has to be quiet; I don’t like white noise. I suppose the sound of rain and thunderstorms is soothing too. Are you a fast or slow reader? I’m pretty fast from all the years I spent reading as a kid. But it still depends - if I don’t like what I’m reading or if it’s an academic piece, I’ll have to slow down. Are you a good speller? Yes. Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Nope. I used to have one but I never used it so they gave it to my brother. How long can you go without sleeping? I usually put a limit at like 16-18 hours. Any longer than that and i start to get crankier. How long can you go without talking? I’m guessing fairly long? I have no problem with not talking, as an introvert. Do you currently have a job? No, I don’t. Do you tend to always be in some sort of drama? Nah I typically just watch from afar. Do you collect quarters from every state? We don’t have quarters and we don’t have states. How important is appearance in your life? Like, physical appearance? It’s pretty up there. I like having my hair neat and putting on a nice, matching outfit whatever the occasion. Are you any good at photography? No, not at all. I could never figure it out. I just take photos on my phone and hope it does the job well. Would you rather sleep all night or sleep all day? All day. I like being out at night. Do you hate getting up early? In general, yes, even if I’m waking up for something exciting like a vacation. Does it bother you when people use poor grammar? It used to, until I realized judging people for their grammar is a shitty thing to do especially if they aren’t fluent in the language they’re attempting to speak. I do draw the line at people trying to sound smart and coming off as an asshole - if they also happen to use poor grammar, that’s when I’ll find it funny. Could you see yourself being a bartender? No. I feel like I’d forget so many recipes and be so exhausted from having to be friendly with everyone.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No. We had toxic tendencies in the beginning but 1) we’ve ironed it out since, and 2) I don’t think those tendencies immediately made the entire relationship toxic.

Are you currently tired? Nah, I just woke up and I’m looking to work on a bunch of homework today. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water, cos I chugged a loooot of Vietnamese coffee last night. Do you like to take walks? Not so much, but I’m learning to like them. I walked the entire Academic Oval in school last Thursday :) Have you ever had de ja vu? Yeah, many times. Are you a fan of anime? No. Do you draw a lot? I can’t draw, so no. Do you plan on going to college? I’m in college/university. Those mean the same thing here. Do you feel at home in your own home? Most days. Do you pay for your own cell phone bill? I’m on a prepaid plan, but no, my mom pays for my load. Do you really think that life’s what you make it? To a certain extent. There are some things that just happen to you and you can’t help it, unfortunately > Pretty much.

#survey #surveys

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aleesblog · 6 years

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How Real Doctors Think

Review of Mentored by a Madman: The William Burroughs Experiment.1

Denis M. Donovan, MD, FAPS

Canadian Bulletin of Medical History

Volume 35; Issue: 2, 2018, pp. 455-459. DOI: 10.3138/cbmh.BR_EN

“In his welcome address,” Andrew Lees writes of the beginning of his medical studies at London Hospital Medical College in October of 1965, “the Dean informed us that we were here to study medicine and that from now on our lives would be dedicated to the prevention, cure or alleviation of human disease. Medicine,” the Dean stressed, “was a calling, not a business.” There but for the grace of Fate go I was the Dean’s message. Indeed, Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto — I am human, nothing human is foreign to me — was the teaching hospital’s motto. But almost overnight Lees witnessed in many of his fellow medical students an extremely disturbing and worrisome transformation as they became a-lien-ated —the link between doctors and patients, between self and other, was broken — as if patients were them, mere subhuman collections of body parts, carriers of disease and mundane opportunities for uppercase ‘D’ Doctors to demonstrate their brilliance and celebrate their superiority. Although Lees says that Wolynski, the man whose body he and his fellow anatomy lab partners dissected, helped him “to acquire the carapace of insensitivity required to become a doctor,” the self- protective “carapace” Lees acquired was not the gross dehumanizing insensitivity he found so painful in the “self-satisfied and narrow-minded” attitude and behavior developing in many of his fellow students and the often frank sadism of some of his superiors.

It was in this context of patient suffering and medical insensitivity, prejudice and condescension that Lees experienced two kairotic, intensely formative moments. The first was a poignant and inspiring encounter with a patient during Lees’ first house physician appointment at what is now the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital. This patient suffered — I use the word advisedly — from Parkinson’s disease and was confined to a wheelchair and completely dependent on his family to be fed, dressed and bathed. This former worker from the London Underground viewed Parkinson’s as a death sentence and was pinning all his hopes on the new miracle drug L- DOPA which he had read about in the newspapers. The results Lees’ patient obtained literally within days “turned [Lees] into a ‘Molecule Man’ overnight” and convinced him that “further peptide and amine research would lead to cures for Parkinson’s disease and all the other brutal brain degenerations within five years.” No such overnight progress was made but that didn’t slow Lees down in the least.

The second crucial experience which ultimately gave hope to the first was Lee’s discovery of an unknown face on the front cover of the Beatles’ Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely hearts Club Band album. “Amidst the rows of famous faces he was on the second row next to Marilyn Monroe and above Oscar Wilde. I didn’t recognise him so I looked him up”

Lees’ discovery of William S. Burroughs, the author of Naked Lunch and The Yagé Letters, while still in medical school provided him with the adult version of an imaginary friend, one on a lifelong quest to find a cure for certain mind-and-body destroying drugs. Beneath Burroughs’ “lurid descriptions of heroin-laced depravity, sodomy and infanticide in Naked Lunch [which] had been described by a Boston judge as ‘a revolting miasma of unrelieved perversion,’” and especially in Burroughs’ Yagé Letters to Allen Ginsburg, Lees found a kindred soul, a razor-sharp critic of imperious insensitive and dehumanizing doctoring, whose now-famous character in Naked Lunch Dr. Benway was both a medical beast and one of many voices of a caring visionary on a quest to cure his own junk addiction. While Burroughs’ life was one gigantic series of relapses, he did find genuine momentary relief for his morphine addiction in the apomorphine treatment provided by the London doctor Joseph Yerbury Dent in 1956, the potential significance of which Lees immediately recognized when he read Burroughs’ account. In a 2014 article in the Dublin Review of Books Lees briefly described the episode which is recounted at length in Mentored by a Madman.

Burroughs later wrote enthusiastically in Naked Lunch about Dent’s integrity and empathy and his innovative drug rehabilitation programme:

The vaccine that can relegate the junk virus to a land-locked past is in existence. This vaccine is the Apomorphine treatment discovered by an English doctor ... I found this vaccine at the end of the junk line ... suddenly my habit began to jump and jump. Forty, sixty grains a day. And it still was not enough. And I could not pay ... The doctor explained to me that apomorphine acts on the back brain to regulate the metabolism and normalize the blood stream in such a way that the enzyme system of addiction is destroyed over a period of four or five days ... I saw the apomorphine treatment really work.

Apomorphine took away the biological need for morphine without inducing dependence. It steadied the system, leaving no trace. In Burroughs’s words it was like a dutiful policeman that did its job and then left. Soon after Burroughs’s treatment programme was completed, Dent’s hunch that apomorphine had specific chemical actions in the brain was scientifically confirmed, but it never took hold as a routine treatment for addiction. Crucially for neurologists, it was shown to act on the brain by opening the dopamine receptor lock, which meant that Parkinson’s patients could use more of their own dopamine for longer. My hope was that in time apomorphine would become part of the clinical armoury against Parkinson’s symptoms.2

Burroughs unknowingly reminded the young Andrew Lees that humans did not begin curing their ailments by synthesizing new molecules and profiting from synthetically produced old ones; they began by discovering them as they occurred naturally in the physical world. This simple fact is all but forgotten today. Like Mickey Mouse in Disney’s version of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, contemporary medicine has become so fascinated by its ability to tinker with the world of medicinal molecules—and now the human genome—that it has lost sight of the fact that our knowledge of naturally occurring physical therapeutics is still in its infancy, a veritable gold mine of potential discovery since poison and cure often exist side by side in nature. Nature may not have ceased to be a generous teacher but, unfortunately, our self-absorption has made us far less willing and curious pupils.

But Burroughs wasn’t Lees’ only inspiration and model. He was immensely fortunate, when he began his neurology training at University College Hospital in London, to have two great living teachers, William Gooddy and Gerald Stern, and one great dead one, William Gowers, whose brilliantly detailed clinical journals Lees read avidly in the hospital’s archives. Gooddy and

Stern, Lees writes, “would never interrupt [the patient’s recounting of his presenting complaint] but when the history had been given they would clarify points with a few carefully chosen, nonleading questions.” In stark contrast, today’s physician typically interrupts the patient a mere 18 seconds into his or her initial narrative which the patient may never be able to complete. Few patients today have ever experienced a William Gooddy, a Gerald Stern or an Andrew Lees and thus have no realistic idea of how caring, attentive and genuinely interested good doctoring can be. “Perfection of this methodological and time-consuming approach is essential to becoming a good neurologist,” Lees adds, “and I spent many hours on the wards and in the outpatient clinic trying to hone my skills.” Contrast this with the unquestioning expectation of a 22-year-old medical student in a “cutting edge” Leadership Program at the University of South Florida who doesn’t hesitate to say that he “... would like to be a leader of a team setting ... part of a department, leading other doctors and teaching them everything I have learned.”3

Today in his seventies, Lees is a Professor of Neurology at the National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery, Queen Square, London and University College London. He is one of the world’s top experts on Parkinson’s disease and a teacher and researcher venerated for his masterful observational and clinical reasoning skills. Even so, Lees is acutely aware of how little he knows, how much is yet to be learned and how much greater the obstacles are today to realistic naturalistic learning than when he began his medical and neurological training. And as for self- experimentation, which Lees kept secret for nearly his entire medical career, few today within or outside clinical, academic and research medicine, are even aware of how crucial it was to the understanding and innovative progress of the great medical discoverers such as Sir William Osler, the father of North American internal medicine and the originator of bedside teaching.

It is a great irony, but not unusual in the case of genuinely curious, creative and innovative thinkers, that the pupil proves to be far more skeptical than the teacher. It is to Lees’ great credit that he was able to distill from a complex and contradictory life of largely credulous self- indulgence Burroughs’ genuinely brilliant, caring and realistic thoughts, insights and commitment to a quest for a cure for crippling addiction. Most people throw the baby out with the dirty bathwater. Andrew Lees pulled the baby out of the mire and, throughout a lifetime of patient, sensitive and committed physicianly care and constant technical scientific research, has never ceased to do his best in the face of all obstacles to relieve human suffering and to leave the world of medicine and healthcare richer than he found it.

Yes, do read this book to discover how William S. Burroughs inspired a professional lifetime of brilliant medical research. But read it as well, perhaps even more so, to be reminded of what genuine medical care can and should be and what the obstacles to its survival are in a world increasingly defined by insatiable corporate greed and vacuous self-satisfied professionalism.

For those who were tempted to believe Jerome Groopman’s assertion that doctors can’t think because they’re the helpless victims of inescapable cognitive biases and need their patients to think for them, here’s your antidote.4 No technical knowledge is required to profit from this marvelous book.

1 Andrew J. Lees, Mentored by a Madman: The William Burroughs Experiment. (Devon, UK: Notting Hill Editions, 2016).

2 Andrew J. Lees, “Hanging out with the molecules.” Dublin Review of Books (1 September 2014). http://www.drb.ie/essays/hanging-out-with-the-molecules (accessed 7 November 2018).

3 Letitia Stein, “USF joins national effort to reform doctor training.” (Tampa Bay Times, Saturday, August 4: 1A, 7A).

4 Jerome Groopman, How Doctors Think. (New York: Houghton Mifflin, 2007).

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etalablog · 8 years

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Et Al a Blog: Trump: Empathy and Understanding

Please consider this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd79UsXSLWg

There are two disclaimers I wish to make about this blog: First, I am not a Doctor and unqualified to diagnose personality or physiological disorders (but will anyway) and second, I am NOT (in this blog anyway) mocking, attacking or even disagreeing with our new President, Donald J. Trump. On this latter point, this blog is instead truly a serious attempt for me to find empathy with and, perhaps, understanding of the man himself.

Bob Dylan, easily the most influential poet of my generation, once voiced “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows”, a phrase that, for you 60’s history buffs, gave the radical underground group “The Weathermen” their name. Aside from this unfortunate association, it has always been for me, profound.

And so it is with my feelings and observations about Donald Trump. It is obvious to many, myself certainly included, that Donald suffers from some form of personality disorder which makes him utterly unable to deal with criticism. It leaves him spouting “facts” frequently absent even a limited understanding of our world or history. If this sounds like an “attack”, I assure you it is not, merely an observation, regardless of the efficacy of any policies he may espouse.

If anything, I have complete empathy with him, growing up as I did struggling with ADD. But because my ADD was also in the context of a loving and supportive family (themselves all academically successful), I have been able to deal with it, by losing myself in books and music until maturity and experience freed me from worse impacts of my disorder.

Previously in this blog, and in casual conversation, I have even postulated the cause of Trump’s disorder, a domineering and perfectionist father who demanded that he be the very best at everything, but whose failures to do so led him, along with other like children of the wealthy, to be a resident at a private Military School through his adolescence. In of itself, I still believe this may well be what happened to him. “Poor little rich kid”, as we used to say. Whatever, he is transparently driven to be narcistic and compulsive.

And how flippantly I have used these observations to attack, dismiss or even fear him.

In the video linked below, the presenter raises serious concerns, based on evidence, about Donald’s ability to read. This is not the only time this question has been raised. The comedian Samantha Bee has also raised this as a possibility, although her observations, are clearly meant to be humorous as have been other video’s, etc. of this ilk. But, perhaps, these “attacks” are missing a salient point; maybe it’s really true he has a reading disorder.

The first thing that occurred to me upon watching this video is that he suffers from dyslexia, or reading disorder. It is, after all, a common disorder, effecting something like 8% of the population. According to Wikipedia, “Problems may include difficulties in spelling words, reading quickly, writing words, "sounding out" words in the head, pronouncing words when reading aloud and understanding what one reads“.

Much has been made, as it should, of his mocking a reporter with an obvious physical impairment. But for those of us appalled by his behavior, perhaps this should be tempered by the realization that our dismissive attitudes and attacks on him, may be no less morally repugnant.

Try to imagine, if you will, trying as a child of a success driven father to make sense of the conflicting visual signals called “reading” that his peers are seemingly able to do with ease. It is a well known phenomena that children afflicted with dyslexia often are seen as “troubled”.

Send this otherwise bright child off to Military School and Donald J. Trump is what emerged. Learning to cope with his disorder by a variety of methods, he has managed to become, in his mind anyway, what his father always demanded: “perfect”.

Now try to imagine meeting the demands of being President without the benefit of being able to read, relying only on what others tell him or he can watch on TV and movies. Obama, a brilliant academician, struggled to keep up with the demands of researching issues and policies, frequently working by himself late into the night. Trump, apparently, only watches television and makes phone calls.

What if his story is one of heroically overcoming a reading disorder and his father to become President of the United States? If Barak Obama overcoming a “foreign” name, a broken home and racism to become President is a quintessential American success story, so surely is Donald J. Trump’s own journey. What a role model he could be for all the troubled and tortured kids also suffering from these disorders!

But because of his personality disorder, even if it resulted from his (postulated) dyslexia, will not allow him to admit to it, his story is, instead, a tragedy worthy of the ancient Greeks. I can only wonder what ending Fate has written for him in this play and what it foretells for all of us.

And me? I will no longer mock him for his illness.

How callous, how hypocritical of me to do exactly what I found most abhorrent of Trump’s behaviors, mocking people for their physical appearances, limitations, handicaps. All attributes, like dyslexia, they have no control over.

#EtAlaBlog

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pipothy · 5 years

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A Complex Relationship with Body Confidence

I wanted to talk today about my experience with body confidence and the whirlwind many of you have helped me deal with over the past years.

As a warning, this post contains topics related to and mentioning sexual assault, rape (including details about bodily damage), dangerous levels of weight, mental health including body dysmorphia and a lot of personal stuff about me relating to those topics. If any of that will make you uncomfortable or you’d rather not know about it, this isn’t the post for you!

Body confidence is no strange issue to many gay men. Men are expected to be bulky and gorgeous, or pretty and perfect. This is no doubt something people are generally familiar with, so I won’t ramble about that context. The extra layers of complexity that ensue with the whole bottomshaming thing added on makes it a thorough minefield to navigate for any gay man.

I was very thin throughout my childhood and teens. At 14, I was 4 stone. I’m sure you can do the maths, that’s dangerously thin. As a result, I was very weak. I struggled for a long time with my physical strength and having any stamina, and here is where the issues started.

I felt unattractive, deeply unattractive. I shunned my sexuality because I’d rather not think about how attractive I was. Ignoring the problem made it go away, for now. But unfortunately, this wasn’t always to be. Thankfully, I came out throughout my studies at Sheffield. Less than thankfully, this brought back a barrelling wave of mental health issues and an all time low confidence. All my judgement that I had piled onto myself over my existence previous had hit me in one furious tsunami, drowning me in a need to be appreciated by other gay men.

As my mental health waned, things went from bad to worse. Body Dysmorphia kicked in, where I would see myself as much physically thinner than I was, demeaning my self value. Sex, or sexual appreciation, became a coping mechanism. If I couldn’t be worth anything, the least I could do was allow someone to use my body. As you can no doubt foretell, this attitude doesn’t end well in the long run. If I had pleasant experiences, it briefly filled the black hole that I needed to fill with my own self confidence. If it was a particularly disrespectful experience where they did use me, I was left feeling useful at the time but even more discarded and worthless than before.

I couldn’t process compliments on my looks or aesthetic. I still struggle with that, so please don’t be offended if I seem to Error 404 when you provide a compliment on my looks, it’s taken a long time to reach that. But, I wasn’t equipped with the techniques to deal with this at the time.

Then came a very unfortunate experience. I was raped by coercion, leaving me absolutely grief-stricken. No one tells you how physical an experience the aftermath of such an event is. Crying as quietly as I could as to not wake them up and alert them to anything wrong, relieving large amounts of blood from down there and wondering if I’m ever going to be fine again, my bowels spasming due to the sheer devastation... and that’s only the start. Waking up in the proceeding days, I felt a furious disconnect from my body... like it wasn’t my own. I can’t explain it. It felt detached, in the same way that you can’t tickle yourself because it’s your body. But suddenly, it’s not your body... and it’s no laughing matter.

Regardless, the point of saying all this is to provide some context on my issues... not to speak about the intricacies of rape and how real all the stories about the aftermath are. Over my next few years, I’ve developed much better sexual confidence, much better assertion over my worth and really come out of my shell. But some things still ring, and it’s always when I’m around men who I consider prototypically attractive, but in particularly ones who put a lot of effort to look as masculine as possible. They feel threatening, because I allowed them to and I lived off them threatening my rights for their own gains.

I am slowly learning that I am an attractive man. Even those words are hard to write. I furiously want to go back and change them, but it just conflicts with everything I’ve ever told myself. But even then, even if I am not... it doesn’t matter, because to the right people I am brilliant and beautiful. There’s no shame in not being someone’s cuppa tea.

A long story short, I felt I needed ways for people to love or appreciate me because I was simply not worth loving. My childhood was quite barren in that respect, and troubling. Being physically fit or a gay people could idolise for such was just one of many straw men, on top of being a top academic performer, never losing and always having the means to impress people. I wanted to be loved and appreciated, and that’s the way I’d learned. Be useful to other people. But, no more. I am worth more than their use. My fundamental right to be cared for and loved is not to be sold short on me being useful. That was when I had the key I needed, which was self love. Allowing myself to be compassionate to myself for this barren upbringing unveiled my eyes to what you actually all love about me. I’ve learned I harboured some harrowing thoughts about myself, this included. I’ve spent so much time fighting these, so I could stand beautifully without being a tool of use to other people.

But for now, compliments are hard as I resist. Being around physically fit or masculine guys who I put “out of my league” is intimidating and anxiety inducing. Being hit on always comes with the scare of how they might use or abuse me. Sex is still a mixed back of a wonderful indulgence but something I need to be careful with given its emotional context in my life.

But I have come such a long way, and I am prouder of myself than you’ll ever know. I no longer put myself beneath them, I learned I stand tall in my own brilliant right.

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toomanysinks · 6 years

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Can there be too much competition between startups?

Competition is the core of capitalism. Competition between companies lowers prices — on average — and ensures that they are forced to innovate lest they lose their markets to others. Competition between workers ensures that people strive to do their best work lest their jobs go to more qualified or faster or cheaper replacements.

Obviously, there is a spectrum here from lethargic monopoly to cutthroat competition that causes more problems than it’s worth (environmental damage in the hopes of cutting costs, fraud, deceit, etc.). Drawing that line though is really, really hard though, and there are unfortunately not many non-academic discussions of how much competition is needed to spur innovation.

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So it was surprising to read an entire chapter about this dilemma comparing China and the U.S. in Kai-Fu Lee’s book AI Superpowers (yes, yes, I am dreadfully behind on this particular book review).

While the book is about AI, Lee is trying to undo American conceptions of Chinese innovation early on in the text. Yes, the country was once a copycat haven, but that has changed as the learnings of copying have led to originality:

The first act of copying didn’t turn into an anti-innovation mentality that its creator could never shake. It was a necessary steppingstone on the way to more original and locally tailored technology products.

In his narrative, American (tech) companies didn’t fail in China because they were incompetent, but rather because they never made the effort to localize:

American public companies tend to treat international markets as cash cows, sources of bonus revenue to which they are entitled by virtue of winning at home. […] American companies treat China like just any other market to check off their global list. They don’t invest the resources, have the patience, or give their Chinese teams the flexibility needed to compete with China’s world-class entrepreneurs.

China’s entrepreneurs didn’t just learn how to build products quickly from their early copying, but also learned that they had to ferociously compete for markets:

The sheer density of competition and willingness to drive prices down to zero forced companies to iterate: to tweak their products and invent new monetization models, building robust businesses with high walls that their copycat competitors couldn’t scale.

Lee’s ultimate point is that by focusing on markets instead of mission, Chinese startups move far faster and more aggressively to seize opportunities. But that also means that there are can be thousands of startups all targeting the same market at the same time, which forces outside-the-box (read: quite possibly unethical or illegal) behavior in order to compete. “For these gladiators, no dirty trick or underhanded maneuver was out of bounds. They deployed tactics that would make Uber founder Travis Kalanick blush.”

I’ve talked a number of times about the “Chinese think Palo Alto is dumpy” problem. But it bears repeating: competition is the key to a startup ecosystem. Competition forces founders to move faster, to hire quicker, to make product decision with alacrity and otherwise to win their markets today and not a year from now. The best founders in Silicon Valley founders understand this, although this secret seems to be increasingly lost today.

History, of course repeats. Just yesterday, it was revealed that Chinese caffeine chain Luckin Coffee received a $200 million loan from investment banks in prep for an IPO. From Julie Zhu and Kane Wu at Reuters:

The firm officially launched its business only in January last year and in July raised $200 million in its maiden funding round that valued it at $1 billion, making it one of the fastest-ever firms to make the ‘unicorn’ milestone.

[…]

The loss-making firm has been expanding at breakneck speed with over 2,000 cafes opened and plans to open 2,500 this year – displacing Starbucks as China’s largest coffee chain in the process.

15 months and larger than Starbucks. That’s speed, and that’s how you compete.

Digging into the S1: Jumia IPO has points for praise and pause

PIUS UTOMI EKPEI/AFP/Getty Images

Written by Arman Tabatabai

Jumia grabbed headlines yesterday after the African e-commerce player filed for an IPO on the NYSE. Our writer Jake Bright covered the news and provided insightful context around Jumia’s business model, its footprint, and the state of e-commerce in Africa.

With Jumia en route to becoming Africa’s first public tech company listed abroad, we dug into the company’s S-1 to get a better understanding of all its moving parts. Generally, the story is pretty compelling: Jumia is one of the largest pan-Africa e-commerce businesses with a large and rapidly growing active user base that is positively levered at Africa’s economic development and mobile adoption.

While the company is burning cash and losing hundreds of millions of dollars each year, that’s hardly uncommon anymore. But one area that gave me pause was the company’s margin breakdown.

To measure the economics and operating performance of the company’s core operations, Jumia uses “platform contribution,” a metric it defines as gross profit — excluding revenue from services outside the core platform — subtracted by fulfillment costs from third-party logistics providers, primarily related to freight and shipping. Using this metric, Jumia’s platform contribution was about 9-11% of sales in 2017-18.

However, Jumia’s metric excludes fulfillment and delivery costs associated with Jumia’s network of warehouses, their fulfillment employees, and other related expenses, with the logic being that these costs are fairly flat year-to-year and less indicative of the variable costs of the business. However, as an e-commerce logistics and delivery provider, the unaccounted for fulfillment costs seem at least relevant, if not core.

If we were to include all Jumia’s fulfillment expenses in the calculation, Jumia’s platform contribution would actually be negative 5-11% in 2017-18. While thin to negligible margins aren’t unusual for scaling e-commerce platforms, Jumia’s margins fall short of levels seen in past prospectuses from some of the e-commerce giants Jumia looks up to. Amazon, Alibaba, and even JD.com all had at least a year of positive margins including total fulfillment costs at the time of their S-1s. (Though to be fair here, none of the three companies are apples-to-apples comps — Amazon’s S-1 was decades ago, Alibaba operated on a completely different scale at the time of its IPO, and JD.com used a different model focused on direct sales).

Still, the numbers here are just a little unnerving within the context of Africa’s previous e-commerce failures, as discussed by Jake Bright:

“Jumia’s move to go public comes as several notable consumer digital sales startups have faltered in Nigeria…

…In late 2018, Nigerian online sales platform DealDey shut down. And TechCrunch reported this week that consumer-focused venture Gloo.ng has dropped B2C e-commerce altogether to pivot to e-procurement. The CEO cited better unit economics from B2B sales.

Jumia also competes with services backed by Amazon and Naspers in several of its markets, which can be daunting when competing on economics.

The other disclosure that had me harping on Jumia’s fulfillment expense was in the “Risk Factors” section, where the company highlighted that it operates in markets with under-developed physical, economic, legal, and institutional infrastructure. And while there’s heavy investment going into African infrastructure — which could act as a growth tailwind for Jumia in the long-run — improving, let alone creating, infrastructure takes much longer than doing the same in normal business operations, as we’ve discussed ad nauseam.

Because of the lack of infrastructure, Jumia openly discusses the difficulties of delivery and stable fulfillment in its markets and has had to build out a lot of operational infrastructure itself. To me, it at least raises questions around how quickly Jumia will be able to get its cost structure down and whether it might take a bit longer compared to some of its global e-commerce peers.

Thanks

To every member of Extra Crunch: thank you. You allow us to get off the ad-laden media churn conveyor belt and spend quality time on amazing ideas, people, and companies. If I can ever be of assistance, hit reply, or send an email to [email protected].

This newsletter is written with the assistance of Arman Tabatabai from New York

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source https://techcrunch.com/2019/03/14/can-there-be-too-much-competition-between-startups/

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fmservers · 6 years

Text

Can there be too much competition between startups?

You’re reading the Extra Crunch Daily. Like this newsletter? Subscribe for free to follow all of our discussions and debates.

So it was surprising to read an entire chapter about this dilemma comparing China and the U.S. in Kai-Fu Lee’s book AI Superpowers (yes, yes, I am dreadfully behind on this particular book review).

In his narrative, American (tech) companies didn’t fail in China because they were incompetent, but rather because they never made the effort to localize:

China’s entrepreneurs didn’t just learn how to build products quickly from their early copying, but also learned that they had to ferociously compete for markets:

[…]

The loss-making firm has been expanding at breakneck speed with over 2,000 cafes opened and plans to open 2,500 this year – displacing Starbucks as China’s largest coffee chain in the process.

15 months and larger than Starbucks. That’s speed, and that’s how you compete.

Digging into the S1: Jumia IPO has points for praise and pause

PIUS UTOMI EKPEI/AFP/Getty Images

Written by Arman Tabatabai

While the company is burning cash and losing hundreds of millions of dollars each year, that’s hardly uncommon anymore. But one area that gave me pause was the company’s margin breakdown.

Still, the numbers here are just a little unnerving within the context of Africa’s previous e-commerce failures, as discussed by Jake Bright:

“Jumia’s move to go public comes as several notable consumer digital sales startups have faltered in Nigeria…

Jumia also competes with services backed by Amazon and Naspers in several of its markets, which can be daunting when competing on economics.

Thanks

This newsletter is written with the assistance of Arman Tabatabai from New York

You’re reading the Extra Crunch Daily. Like this newsletter? Subscribe for free to follow all of our discussions and debates.

Via Danny Crichton https://techcrunch.com

#TechCrunch

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mattgrips · 6 years

Text

Divinity

Power -> The potential to do work (overtime). A simple scientific attempt to ascertain the meaning of power. A great definition to establish power grids and make batteries but without further elaboration, it’s hard to see it in more of the kings and rulers kind of sense. Certainly, the president is powerful -> he/she can do a lot of work (overtime). I don’t know, that doesn’t sound right to me. A powerful engine can produce a lot of work to move a hunk of junk around, but the way a president/manager/CEO does work is more indirect – they are only one piece in the system where many other movers expend additional energy that accumulates into the later fruits of collective labor. But following the same logic, I would be hard pressed to isolate an individual engine component and declare it as powerful. There’s a lot about us people that isn’t taken into account when looking into power in this abstract sense.

The difference is Will. Once this is established, it is easy to see how power is both defined and allocated within a system of human beings. Now power is not a matter of how much work one can do, but how much work one can command. Following this additional concept into our universe is a snowball of newer concepts amalgamating into our anthropocentric worldview: respect, class, shame, pride, reputation. All wonderful terms that help us distinguish each other and enrich a world that would be rather dull without. I’m partially kidding – obviously power is one of the first ways we are introduced to our vices and fallibility. By inventing power we have essentially created the currency that enables our vanity, greed, and selfishness to run amok in the world. Life is no longer indifferent matter and energy. It now has us. Woohoo

I’ve cut going into a longer tangent to get to the original point of my post. Obviously, just like with ‘purpose’ (discussed in my previous post) the combined elusiveness and necessity of power has inspired many to try and write a book about it. The massive pile of power-related books attempts to see power in many different perspectives; from diplomatic (The Prince) to military (The Art of War), to business (Something by 50 Cent probably), to fantastical (fables i guess). Obviously this isn’t a topic that is only found in specific publications. Power is an apparent revelation in literally everything we do, so many perspectives exist outside of literature. It’s all quite a bit to wrap your head around. Luckily there exists a book that has compiled most of our history of power into a comprehensive anthology for totally academic and not pecuniary purposes.

Enter Robert Greene’s ’48 Laws of Power’. I picked it up last week and have enjoyed reading it up to this point. Much like other books, it is filled with obnoxious and facetious rhetoric, but it’s all good because it’s all in reference to historical accounts where it was okayy to talk like a sociopath. I can go on about the 48 Laws’ many contradictions, impracticalities, and immorality but to do so would be like intelligently discussing youtube drama. It would force me to talk like I was above the book’s pettiness, cynicism, and condescension. I most certainly am not, and I appreciate a book that understands when a topic is too broad and undefined to be talked about in a way that has no humor and play in it.

So I’ve enjoyed this book for what it is -> the book equivalent of Assassin’s Creed: an action packed adventure sprinkled in with historical tid-bits meant to not so much explicitly teach me something, but take me through a journey of the human experience through story, myth, and anecdote. And it does quite a good job. The stories are engaging enough to have me pondering many things happening in my life.

I want to discuss on the last law I read about today. Law number 30: ‘Make your accomplishments seem effortless’

I like this one because it’s one of the less objectionable laws. Also, it is one of the laws that has a more coherent connection to the underlying concepts of power that the book is trying to express (assuming the author had an underlying logic to his writing and was totally not just regurgitating content into a marketable way for money). Throughout the book, there has been a recurring theme on maintaining appearances. Greene cleverly recognizes that in the game of power most people are more equally matched than the power differences we observe in the world suggest. What differentiates people from each other is more of a matter of public perception. Two people can perform at the same caliber of whatever on the public stage but still be perceived very differently. One may be seen as the more honest competitor, or the more likable character, or be attached to a more noble cause, or a higher virtue. Whether these perceptions are true or not is not a practical concern in terms of transaction costs, and societal well-being. If there is to be any social fabric keeping us together, people can’t be in continual skepticism throughout the day. The result is a world based on appearances which creates a playing field where objectivity is obscured and people can be exalted to higher realms that any physiological, intellectual, or conscientious basis could never accomplish.

This is the only idea that is so apparently and consistently followed throughout the book. There are so many gaps in our perceptions of everything, all of which require too much rigorous work to actually figure out. Also deterring us is the likely prospect that whatever we discover will be a thousand times more boring than whatever we can imagine in our heads. Of course this last point is subjective as many find wonder and excitement in what others would call dull, but there is a well-defined picture of what the ‘public’ finds objectionable, boring, exciting, and just even though this majority is becoming more and more blurred these days (ill elaborate later).

Anyways, one of the many gaps in our worldview is the one inquiring on the varying capacity of human potential. The main driver of this gap is the inconsistency in seeing amazing human beings on TV, radio, stories etc. while also seeing the abysmal existence most of us live out for whatever reason. How could it be that some live to be great men and women while I struggle to get up everyday? Possible rational (but not necessarily true) explanations can be drawn from the social sciences, using a varying arsenal of socio-economic theories, or from the physical sciences where we can explain everything away with biological and atomistic determinism. If I’m really unfortunate , I may end up with an explanation that puts sole responsibility on myself, and my ego would hate that.

No matter how you slice it, finding a rational explanation for the outcomes of other people’s lives as well as my own is way too rigorous, and boring. What is more natural/probable (not necessarily more desirable) is subconsciously drawing conclusions from what I see from the outside. From the limited time I spend with people, I pick up clues on how happy, stressed, and well-adjusted a person is. Drawing these conclusions within the context of other things I know about the person will draw even more inferences. A person I see as stressed out and know as a working class shmuck will draw sympathy from my mind. A person I see as sad and know to be well-off will draw disgust. A person I see as easy-going and think to be in a highly difficult position will seem like a god to me.

And with this emerges the most well-defined aspect of power -> appearances. Finally a framework that can be elaborated on in a productive studious way. From this a multitude of Laws come about aside from Law 30. Law 5: Protect ya rep; Law 3: Conceal your intentions; Law 12: Use selective honesty; Law 21: appear dumber than your mark. All recognize the reality that we can’t background check every person we meet and have to use expedited forms of perception to form a worldview. From this we have a beautiful world of acts, stories, narrative, rhetoric; it’s all just one big play!

But I did emphasize Law 30 for a reason. It’s because while other Laws seek to have the user be perceived as ignorant, virtuous, or innocent, Law 30 aims to exalt the user into Godlike status. This brings us back into the gap of human potential. Because of this inconclusive aspect in our psyche, many of us won’t be too against the possibility that some among us are exceptionally divine. It makes life fun and brings excitement into our existence without actually taking on the stress that undertaking divinity in our own individual lives would entail. So even though it may be unlikely that an individual is divine, under the right conditions, many of us would want to believe that some of us are paragons.

This certainly brings excitement into my own personal life. To say that I don’t place existential burdens on celebrities, idols, and myths by holding them to unreasonably high standards would be dishonest. The trick (i guess) to not making this totally messed up is by a) being aware of how I am viewing people to continually find ways to reduce harm in the world; and b) using the use of idols as role models to continually push me to achieve greater things. Don’t sound that bad now eh? Oh well. Either way, this perception of divinity allows me to enjoy an exciting and productive thought process. I love my favorite bands, authors, and public figures based on how divine they seem to me. Outward appearances matter for me in this. I look out for: absolute disinterest (or even disgust) for others, elusive social media, lack of engagement, but of course with the occasional burst of exceptional performance or amazing revelation that asserts why I think whoever is amazing in the first place.

This is is really the idolized character I place in my mind. I hate it when someone on a screen I don’t know tries to reach out and establish a personal connection with me, and continually tries to establish relatableness with me. For me I really don’t want validation of who I am from others. I think I get that enough from my own existence. What I truly seek out are people to attach aspirations and goals to. I think many people do that too. And in that lies the empty space for people to obtain power from. Whether you think that’s unfortunate, or exploitable, or whatever, I find that it is a definite reality, and kind of makes life interesting.

Of course there are other people, or rather times when people, are on the other side of the coin. Sometimes we do look to others to feel validated in our current state. Sometimes we’d probably want someone to say things like ‘you can do it too!’, but from my experience I think those times are few and far, and are used in toxic ways that ultimately stagnate any sort of growth in an individual. I’m not sure if our tendency for this sort of comfort is on the rise, or just a simple pattern that occurs in all generations as they age. Whatever the actual answer, this is yet another vacancy for others to claim influence and power over.

Appearing divine by observing the 30th Law of Power does have its obstacles in this day and age. There is an increasing need and ability for transparency and accountability from anybody who does anything. How is one to give the appearance of ease when people now demand to see everything, from behind the scenes, to documents, to emails of all the workings of the system we live in. Obviously this is a great thing, I’m just saying that it is now harder to take on an exalted appearance now.

Which brings me to the actual point I was trying to make in this whole blog post. I didn’t think it would take this long to lay the groundwork for the only original contribution in this blog post but thank you for reading this far in. As the future brings in less ways to isolate yourself and give off appearances through subtle signals, there is still one signal that brings divine hope. It’s simple: Happiness. This world is an increasingly aware place that places a lot more emphasis on what to be sad about than anything. The world wants people to be aware that everything they do holds a negative consequence to someone else, and that the world is a large injustice that should just be done away with. With this in mind, how else can one go about life without being solemn, dull, and disillusioned?

This disillusion simply brings in the vacancy to obtain power through a new ‘illusion’ (I use illusion loosely because I don’t mean it like something different from reality. Rather I’m using illusion as anything that differs from what the public would like to enforce as ‘reality’). Before, the amazement from watching a virtuoso performance was partially by seeing how easy heshe made it seem. In other instances, where I see myself, I can see it beneficial to give the appearance that I can carry on my duties with happiness, hope, and optimism. Taking on Engineering and Law School, very socially demanding occupations, I have the feeling that society sees STEM and continuous learning to be undertakings of present sacrifice for future gain. A rational, and BORING perception of someone. How exciting would it be rather, to see someone undertaking such an act for deeper reasons. To see someone pursue something for virtuistic, philosophical, dare I say it divine ambitions.

I think this is why I derive much enjoyment from the book. Not for its simplistic listing of steps to crush enemies and feel all high and mighty. In its words, it kind of sets a framework of appearances that allows for creativity, innovation, and fun to be had when thinking about public perception, the human experience, and how power all plays a part in it.

That’s pretty neat.

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jakegrxz · 8 years

Text

Struggling in the neoliberal university

How has the broader socio-economic process of neoliberalism restructured higher education in the UK? What are the everyday, human implications of this? What form should resistance to it - from students, workers, and academics - take? [See the print edition here.]

Editor's note, 20th June 2018: This piece was originally written in February 2017 as the feature of Issue 9 of Incite, the political magazine I was Editor of while completing my undergraduate degree. As a piece published for a campus magazine at the University of Surrey, it was originally intended for Surrey students to read, and some of the language (e.g.: 'our Students' Union') reflects this. I have left this in tact rather than amending it.

In the wake of exam season, one wonders what exactly the point of the whole exercise was. At best, the experience feels meaningless and frustrating, if manageable. At worst, it can be anxiety-inducing and sleep-depriving, making us question our own abilities and feel wholly out of control. And yet, despite this, it all feels natural at this point. We have been examined in education for years now; this is how it is.

Perhaps it is just us, too, inside our minds. As the late cultural theorist Mark Fisher wrote, who devastatingly took his own life last month, stress in our society has been ‘privatised’. In tracing the roots of our unhappiness, instead of looking outward to deteriorating social and political conditions, we are increasingly inclined to look inward, towards brain chemistry or personal history. The deteriorating conditions we operate under, which may include precarious work, constant monitoring (via workplace appraisals, target setting, or university examinations) are deemed unfortunate yet ‘natural’, depoliticised.

Fisher’s analysis is no doubt pertinent in reference to the university. Our very own Students’ Union has not agitated for less assessments or a less intensive exam season, but rather released a saccharine Facebook video entitled ‘You Can Do It Surrey!’, aiming to motivate students to put themselves through “late nights and early mornings” with the promise that it “will definitely be worth it”. Simultaneously, it has offered events to help exam stress such as “Therapy Dog Session” and “Happiness Café”. The message is clear — exams are natural, unavoidable and worth it. Either distract yourself from them or look inwards, in futility. Structural change is unimaginable.

But contra the Students’ Union, we should resist such narratives, and connect our distresses to the broader structures of neoliberalism. Indeed, the pressure, stress and general malaise of exam season functions as a highly visual spectacle of how neoliberalism, mediated by the institution of the university, is oppressing students. For what fuels such anxiety in exam season is the fear of failure, precisely constituted by a fear of becoming less ‘employable’. During exam season, our relationship to the labour market as students is even more exposed than usual. Most (but not all) students come to university to help with their future careers in some way; the expectation is that, devoid of much other choice, getting a degree will secure a certain level of income, security and perhaps ‘success’. Exam season pushes this logic to the limit, as exams are the very conditionalities we need to meet in order to pass our degree, and thus achieve that certain level of income, security and ‘success’. Exams thus come to function as unnaturally distilled and measurable indicators of our future income, security and status. With such distillation and measurability comes heightened anxiety for all, to varying degrees. A lot comes to depend on very little.

I should note that I am not arguing for the removal of assessment in education. Assessment, reducing it to the very verb to assess, is an integral part of social life. We assess when we debate with a friend, relative or coworker — we judge their arguments against what we know of the subject under discussion, retort accordingly, and then they repeat the same process themselves. Knowledge is exchanged; education takes place. Hence, what I am arguing instead is that the particular form of assessment we are exposed to as students operates under a neoliberal framework that, through commodification and grading, serves to create unnecessary stress and divisions, as well as undermine the value of education as an end in itself. For assessments do not have to come in the form of time-restricted exams in silent teaching rooms that take place in an intense two-week period. Nor do they need to be numerically reduced to certain grades that hierarchically rank students and implicitly ascribe higher scoring students higher value. Rather, one can imagine education as radically egalitarian and cooperative — we may write essays, and then discuss them with our tutors, without the need for arbitrary grading, ranking or disciplining. Students of the natural sciences may be numerically tested, but not have their degree depend upon passing, nor be tested in the form of hours-long examinations that occur twice a year. Education need not be given a ‘score’ that inevitably becomes a symbol for our ‘value’, understood in terms of ‘employability’ or market viability.

The focus of this essay is not, however, solely on assessments. Rather, they serve as a portal into a wider topic of discussion: the neoliberal university. If exam season is noticeably distressing in part because of neoliberal logic, what other parts of university life in 2017 are too, perhaps less noticeably? How else is market logic corrupting education? And more broadly, what purpose have universities come to serve under neoliberalism? Assessing these questions, and the interplay between them, requires us first to trace the history of the institution of the university and neoliberalism.

The Road to the Neoliberal University

Universities have always served certain purposes in society, with these purposes shifting as other factors in society, such as class relations or the dominant modes of production, have shifted. This point may seem abstract, or irrelevant, but it is vital. It reveals how the university has always been situated within a particular social, political and economic context which has shaped its functions. Understanding the university, therefore, requires contextual understanding. This can be appreciated historically.

Regarding the UK, before the nineteenth century, universities primarily served as important sites for the socialisation of elites from the ruling classes, immersing them in a certain kind of knowledge and ‘high culture’. For example, late medieval and early modern universities such as Oxford and Cambridge served to educate members of the ruling classes for high positions in the church, the law and government. Thus, as Michael Rustin notes, “their primary function was more to provide a cultural and social formation for elites than to produce useful knowledge”. This function was enlarged with the onset of industrialisation in the early 1800s, when the rising bourgeoisie of industrial manufacturers contributed to the formation of great city universities such as Leeds and Sheffield which specialised in engineering and science, and the expanding bureaucratic arm of government led to modernisations in university curricula. The influence of dominant modes of production and the market on the university become clearer at this stage — as mass capitalist industrial production spread, so did the imperative for technical university education in subjects such as engineering, for example.

The context of the aftermath of World War Two saw the next big institutional changes of the university. With the rise of welfare states and new class compromises across Europe, the university came to expand into a ‘mass institution’, emblematic of enhanced opportunities and shared entitlements. Universities no longer came to be seen as primarily the home of the ruling class but became open to all those with the adequate academic qualification, reflecting new class settlements. In the UK this was expressed via the 1963 Robbins Report, whose reforms began a gradual increase in young people attending university; before then the rates had been stuck at 4–5% — now nearly 50% of the 18+ age group attend university. This period saw the university, at least within the UK, at perhaps its most decommodified and egalitarian — grants were issued to all students, and the 1960s-1980s oversaw the birth of exciting, radical new academic disciplines such as sociology and cultural studies.

This particular institutional formation, however, soon began to break down. Although more democratic and egalitarian than previous formations, it was also, unsurprisingly, far more expensive. Removing tuition fees and paying for increasing numbers of young people to study at university, in the name of equal opportunities, was not — and never will be — cheap. Consequently, as the post-war class settlement lost legitimacy amidst the worldwide economic troubles of the 1970s, the university began to be gradually integrated into the emerging dominant political and economic order — neoliberalism.

One may then fairly question at this point: what exactly is neoliberalism? There is no concrete definition, but the term generally describes a set of political and economic ideas and policies that emerged internationally (led by states such as the UK, the US and Chile) from the 1980s onwards, influenced by classical liberal economics. Policies related to privatisation, reduced public spending and free trade are all classic examples of neoliberalism in action, all tied together by an unconditional veneration of the market and ethics of individualism and individual choice. A central component of neoliberalism is market creation, in all areas of life. The state’s role, then, thus becomes to create, uphold and ‘regulate’ such markets, rather than provide services. Early UK examples of market creation were in the energy and telecommunications sector under Thatcher, where state owned enterprises were sold off in order to build a market of private providers, following the logic that entrepreneurial competition would drive down prices, increase efficiency and offer consumers more choice. In the UK, neoliberal market-making has gradually ‘spilled over’ into more and more sectors — the Major government oversaw the privatisation of the railways in a crooked attempt to create a transport provider market, reforms under the New Labour and Coalition governments created internal markets inside the NHS, and — most related to this piece — the Blair and Cameron years were instrumental in the creation of markets within the education sector.

The Neoliberal University

Finally, then, we arrive at the concept of the neoliberal university, the current institutional formation of the university under neoliberalism. What does the neoliberal university look like, and what environment does it operate in? As with other historical formations, the answers to these questions can be found by looking at contemporary class relations and dominant modes of production. As multinational companies have come to dominate the sphere of production in evermore areas of the economy, the neoliberal university has come to be an institution that places more emphasis on ‘profitable’ subjects over less profitable, even so-called ‘mickey mouse’ ones. Indeed, the fastest growing subjects by student numbers are universally from the natural sciences (biological sciences, veterinary sciences and mathematics in particular) while the slowest growing or even shrinking subjects tend to be related to history, philosophy and languages. The reasons for this general trend are twofold. First, in the UK, the government has actively discouraged additional funding for subjects deemed antithetical to ‘enterprise culture’, such as the humanities and social sciences. The Browne Report of 2010 (which raised tuition fees to £9000 — yes, that one), for example, completely removed the teaching grant for arts, humanities and social science subjects, a grant that remains in place for STEM subjects. Secondly, the logic of neoliberalism makes it more rational for many applicants to choose more ‘scientific’ or ‘proper’ subjects, because the financial burden of tuition fee debt increases the incentive to seek substantial financial return upon graduation. Neoliberalism turns academic degrees into financial investments, and one can hardly blame growing numbers of students for seeking some kind of return on it, however sorry that situation may be. Thus, through this double bind, the neoliberal university represses ‘subversive’ or ‘less profitable’ academic disciplines while encouraging the growth of subjects deemed useful to big business.

Another key feature of the neoliberal university is how it operates within an artificial and manufactured higher education market. This is most pronounced in countries such as the US, but successive governments in the UK have made creeping reforms (amidst huge resistance) that are gradually constructing a ‘free market’ of higher education. The logic behind these reforms is based upon an erosion of the traditional class settlement in the UK, at least with regards to higher education. No longer is higher education understood in terms of class compromise, where the higher classes primarily fund a higher education system free and open to all; rather, class is factored out of the equation almost completely. Society is instead understood as a collection of atomised individual consumers, and consequently higher education becomes not a universal right based upon dominant notions of equality of opportunity, but a commodity to be purchased. All this was made ever more clear when the responsibility for universities moved from the Department of Education to the Department of Business, Industry and Skills in 2009.

Upon these underlying assumptions, markets are being built. The latest attempt at this is the government’s Higher Education and Research Bill, which is slowly making its way through Parliament against various currents of opposition. The 2016 White Paper on higher education preceding the Bill makes it very clear that the government ultimately seeks to create a differentiated, deregulated and competitive market in higher education, and outlines policy proposals to reach this goal. For example, the White Paper proposes streamlining bureaucratic structures to make it easier for new higher education providers to enter the ‘market’, and provides provisions for so-called ‘market exit’, where under-performing universities cease to exist. Additionally, the Paper allows better performing universities (as so judged under the controversial Teaching Excellence Framework) to charge slightly higher fees than lesser ones from the 2018–19 year onward. These are gradual reforms, and we have not seen the creation of a fully unleashed market as of yet. Most significantly, the maximum tuition fee cap remains in the Bill (although it now increases with inflation). Nonetheless, the reforms reflect the continuation of a 25-year old trend in British higher education towards markets and away from good quality higher education for all.

The Human Cost

The commodifying effects of these market-making reforms may appear abstract or distant, but they have very real consequences. For the transformation of higher education into a commodity bought on a market is not simply a theoretical point — it affects the everyday lives of students, professors, and university administrators. Regarding students, a key way to appreciate this is to think back to the example of exam season I used to open this piece. As noted, exams are so stressful because they reveal in stark terms how exposed our higher education is to the labour market under the neoliberal university. Higher education becomes a means to escape the precarious, low-wage labour market neoliberalism has created — but only if we do well in our exams. We are thus always under the watchful gaze of ‘employability’ while at university, exposed, and this damaging exposure manifests itself in numerous ways. The inadequacy of maintenance loans/grants for many students is one such way, forcing many students to take up part time casual work in order to keep themselves financially afloat at university. This takes time away from students to properly focus themselves on their degree (causing additional pressures when examinations or assessments are present), and transforms students into a useful pool of casual labour that neoliberalism thrives on. As Jeremy Gilbert notes, exposure in this sense acts to discipline students towards a certain kind of behaviour, making it harder for students to question their place in the world at the exact time they have historically done so. Furthermore, a reliance on part-time work at university pushes students towards the mould of passive consumer, who ‘purchases’ their education through ‘proper’ work. Critical thought is side-lined in the process.

What is less apparent to students is how academics, too, are struggling in the neoliberal university. Much of this stems from the erosion of academic freedom that neoliberalism has brought about, as universities in the UK have increasingly come to be managed like businesses or brands. Since the 1988 Education Reform Act universities are a form of ‘corporation’ legally, and governed increasingly hierarchically, marginalising formerly collegial and relatively democratic forms of internal governance. Accordingly, the power of academics over university decision-making has generally decreased, and this goes hand in hand with the growth of managerial roles within university governance. As neoliberalism has submitted the university increasingly to market logic, occupations with expertise in markets and regulation have blossomed within it — accountants, public relations and human resource practitioners, administrators, and so on. With these reforms the university increasingly follows a corporate model, embedded within business culture, creating various pressures and incentives for academics. Research begins to be subtly influenced by business interests in order to bring in funding, ‘customer satisfaction’ becomes paramount with academics subject to new regimes of monitoring and assessment, and ultimately academic autonomy suffers. With these pressures, it comes as little surprise mental illness is an increasing problem among academics, as a 2013 University and College Union report found.

Pressures come not just from the content and high expectations of academics’ employment, but also the terms of it. Part-time, fixed term, and zero-hours contracts are on the rise in academia as universities seek to minimise costs and squeeze as much productivity out of their workers as possible. As a Guardian investigation revealed last November, more than half of all academic staff working in UK universities are on insecure ‘atypical’ contracts, with more prestigious Russell Group universities being particularly guilty of this. The results are as you’d expect — low pay, for long hours, on insecure terms. A number interviewed for The Guardian noted yearly pay as often around the extremely low mark of £6000 a year, despite academic success (by contrast, the average yearly wage is £26,500). This is the human cost of the neoliberal university; when education becomes a commodity, so do the teachers. The result is dehumanising practices of poor pay, overwork, and insecure employment.

Conclusion: What Next?

The picture, then, seems bleak. Not only are academics and students suffering under the neoliberal university, but there seems little we can do to change it; as shown, the shift to neoliberalism is a global and historical one, infiltrating and feeding off of every aspect of our lives. What then can we as students do to resist? Is it even possible?

The answer is: of course, provided we are pragmatic, organised, well-informed and realistic. While we may not be able to overthrow global neoliberalism by ourselves, what we can do is resist it locally, at every point it impinges upon our lives. The NUS is doing this right now with its boycott of the National Student Survey (NSS), and it is a struggle we should wholeheartedly get behind, unlike our Students’ Union which has disgracefully opposed it. From next year, the NSS will be used by the government as part of the Teaching Excellence Framework (TEF) to grade universities, allowing higher TEF-scoring universities to charge higher fees. The intention behind this, as I wrote above, is to create an artificial higher education market in the UK, and as such the NSS functions as a locality where the marketisation of higher education collides directly with students. A co-ordinated national boycott, then, could hugely complicate the government’s neoliberal higher education plans, which we as students should be 100% opposed to in every way.

For we should never underestimate the strength of mass collective action, well informed by a broad historical understanding of neoliberalism, in effecting change. Just last year, 1000 UCL students held a rent strike in protest against poor living conditions in expensive student accommodation, and won a rent cut worth £850,000 and a £350,000 bursary for students from low-income backgrounds. Their demands were carefully linked to an understanding of the neoliberal university, noting how UCL profited £16 million per year from student rent, and student ‘Cut the Rent’ groups are now spreading across the country, aided by the NUS. We should take these rent strikes as inspiration — one thousand coordinated students at UCL have started a national movement and achieved real successes. Think of what one thousand coordinated students at Surrey could do: not just rent strikes, but also exam strikes, assessment strikes, campus boycotts. So often we are demoralised and apathetic about our struggles when in reality, with organisation and conviction, together we have power. And when we resist, exercising that power, we plant the seeds for a new, better, post-neoliberal future. Only then can we begin to escape the neoliberal university, and all its oppression.

#higher education #student activism #student politics

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