#this is... like 70% shitpost? guess who found this hiding in an old google doc

[fractal-quadrilioquy]

Swampland

Westwatch Patch, Auric Basin. 1328 AE.

In the Heart of Maguuma, down twisting paths and deep crevices, where the light of the sun would struggle to reach even if the overgrowth above was destroyed, seven entities pretended to exist on the world they had assumedly abandoned.

“Should we… stop them?” One said, at last.

The ‘them’ in particular was currently assessing a particularly toxic corpse, left preserved by the toxic fumes pervading the corrupted jungle. The look in their eyes was hungry, in more ways than one – The need to know and experience the world warred with their common sense, which was hovering dangerously at an all-time low.

“No, no, I want to see what happens,” Lyss said, peering intently. Beside her, Ilya was staring, transfixed. Even the most wondrous of illusions couldn’t hold a candle to the sight playing out before them.

The Commander pulled out a sword. The calculating gaze that often scoured the battlefield, assessing the flow of battle and the minutiae of tactics, were laser-focused on the sorry excuse for a boar. The boar, unable to defend itself on account of being dead, continued to lie there, motionless.

“I would like to say, for the record,” Kormir said mildly, “That I have no idea what’s going to happen.”

Grenth smiled.

It was not a particularly comforting smile.

The Commander cut a slice out. The toxic fumes wavered a sickly green in the air, drifting languidly, menacingly, out of the little alcove. Ten meters away, a patch of grass withered and died.

Dwayna made a strangled noise, arm outstretched as if to stop them. Beside her, Melandru sat serenely on a particularly large mushroom, watching the situation play out. She pat Dwayna on the shoulder, and if anyone could have seen them, they might have mistaken it for caring. The other gods knew better. Melandru was vicious when she wanted to be.

The other gods also knew better than to acknowledge Balthazar, whose spiritual form flickered and sparked like a light refusing to catch, or a lightbulb refusing illumination.

“I would love to know what’s going through their mind,” Lyss breathed. 

“I doubt anything is going through it,” Grenth drawled.

Kormir raised a hand. “I can confirm that.”

“Kormir can confirm that.” 

“Kormir can also speak for themselves,” Kormir said.

“Kormir can, but should Kormir?” Ilya said, eyes dancing.

“Kormir hates all of you,” Kormir said, because she did.

“Kormir’s just going to have to deal.”

Melandru nodded sagely. Dwayna absently gathered the sage and blessed it, casting it off to Queensdale.

The Commander raised the meat and held it, and for the first time, doubt flashed upon their face.

“Maybe they won’t do it after all-“

The Commander ate it.

Dwayna broke down. Melandru gave her metaphysical shoulder another metaphorical pat, and sat back to watch the show. Lyss and Ilya gave twin squeals of glee and awe. Kormir laughed at the sight, delighted at having seen something she couldn’t predict. Grenth grinned, a grin with far too many teeth and far too much hunger.

Balthazar was beginning to smoke.

Dwayna sobbed. “They are an idiot.”

The idiot continued to chow down.

They weren’t looking amazing, but they sure were trying their best.

Grenth hummed. “This is actually rather impressive. Resisting death for so long.”

Melandru sighed. “Please don’t kill the wayward Commander.”

“Their death will be their own fault, I promise.” He grinned wickedly. “Hell of a way to go though.”

“They’re so stupid,” Ilya breathed. “I forgot how much I loved humans.”

They were all studiously ignoring the rising flames surrounding the God of War.

Thirty seconds stretched on, simultaneously feeling longer than an eternity and passing in a blink of an eye. Dwayna resigned herself to their fate, and went to lean against Melandru; then quickly thought better of it, and leaned on Kormir instead. Ilya was standing behind the poor soul, shouting “Chug! Chug! Chug!”, not that the poor soul in question could hear it. Grenth snapped his fingers, and eyeshades appeared on six of the seven gods, the first blatant acknowledgement of Balthazar’s seething hatred.

A minute passed. Then another. The Commander no longer looked like they were struggling, and gazed at the preserved corpse as if it were a particularly interesting puzzle.

“Holy shit,” Melandru’s voice rumbled, speaking up for the first time. “They actually did it.”

Balthazar exploded.

---

Two years later.

“You DARE to DEFY the DIVINE?!” Balthazar roared, swinging at them wildly. His movements were sharp, wrathful, and the Commander wondered, not for the first time, if they were in over their head fighting a god.

Still, they persevered. “You will not harm Aurene-!”

“No.” Balthazar cut them off, both literally and metaphorically. Their sword shattered in their hand, and they cursed, drawing another to parry the mad god’s next attack. “I’m talking about you, you damned mortal, they who would defy the rules of nature and consume that which is tainted beyond belief.“

“What are you talking about?!”

“I AM TALKING ABOUT THE HOG.”

“The- the what? What does that have to do with this?!”

“Your Injury Is Personal To Me.” Balthazar intoned.

The Commander could only stare, slack-jawed, at the deity.

Then Aurene came soaring in, and suddenly they had a lot more pressing issues to worry about.