#this isnt even neg this is just fact lmao if u liked the ending im sorry but nah keep it away from me

[saintofanything]

there’s a really big reason that the “protagonist woke up and it was all a dream” or “they reset time and nothing mattered” or “everyone got amnesia” or “big bait and switch where nothing that has been built up happens” has been considered, for quite a while, to be a lazy and horrible end for any piece of media and that’s because it punishes the audience for caring.

your audience invests in what you tell them. when you tell them things matter, they listen. they believe you when you say that the heroes will win, when you say that the things that happened mean something, that the story you’re telling is worthy of the suspension of disbelief, is worthy of the investment your audience is putting into it.

those endings rip all that away. nothing matters. your audience should not have cared, because you didn’t. there was no ending.

vague spoilers below for Mass Effect, How I Met Your Mother, and Game of Thrones:

why did people hate How I Met Your Mother? because we were being told, the whole time, of this great romance. except at the last second, there is no great romance. everything that happened in the story meant nothing, the Mother was a random character we had zero attachment to.

Mass Effect? they spend two games telling us the choice was to defeat the Reapers or face extinction of all organic life, and that the way we did this would matter. only to bait and switch at the end, that your choices meant nothing. the backlash was insane.

Game of Thrones, most recent and infamous - nothing mattered. all those threads and plot lines and character development were tossed for shock value because predictable is bad despite foreshadowing being one of the most critical pieces in storytelling. 

and now, for Dream SMP? none of it mattered. a “rocks fall and everyone dies” ending is a punishment to the audience. how dare we get attached to characters and their endings. how dare we believe that child abuse victims be given a win and a hopeful end, that a child abuser/murderer/torturer be given justice and lose. how dare we invest months and years into caring. they didn’t mean it as a punishment, but that’s what it is because if nothing that happened matters, why tell the story at all?

[seal-berry]

well now people have me thinking about doomerism/hopepilled stuff lmao. i think the thing is, i think people are upset at me calling the picketing snippet in fionna and cake "lip service." and i get that nobody in their right minds is expecting a deep interrogation of 2023 class consciousness from adventure time, even with the fact that they did have a great setup to dig deeper. even if it is "just" lip service, that represents an evolution, that the studios see this as a profitable and relatable avenue to touch on. and i think people like me being disappointed with it is just another part of that water wheel turn-- the inevitable part of baby steps is that there will be people on the sidelines asking for bigger steps. and that's great, because it leads people to think about what those "bigger steps" could be. and sometimes asking this touches on this deep raw progressive pain-- NOBODY knows what to do right now. we look to the past, but again, tactics have evolved. we live in a capitalism that has, for years, been working so that the tactics of the past will not continue to work. and when we try to use those tactics, people go in with big hopes and then get crushed by the state, over and over. there is so much very real frustration there.

but the thing is, i think being honest about where we are right now. in this place where we know just how bad things are, and are floundering. i think papering over that reality with iconography that's 10 years behind the conversation is a choice that has negatives to it.

When i was around 13? ish? i read kurt vonnegut. and he sure didnt teach me how to fix anything, but he did teach me that the world is fucked up and full of insanity and capitalistic, fascistic cruelty. his anger, confusion, bitterness and even impotence bleeds onto the page, but it isn't pathologized or presented as a want vs need or a character flaw or an arc. it's not an empowering or uplifting read, but its real with the reader. it doesnt bend down to condescend or sugarcoat because its afraid of hurting you-- he opens up to the reader about a lot of the real discomforting things in the world. and while in the moment its obviously not an uplifting thing, I think it helps to meet the reader at that point, instead of just saying don't worry, it's okay, it's workable, it's fixable, and you can find true fulfilment here. you dont come away from the book with hope, but it is also absent of any sort of shaming or implication that the inner pain caused by the system could be fixed and mended by you living and thriving within it.

To bring in an example from another cartoon from a much younger demo than f&c, i love okko's captain planet episode. because it ends with the characters basically looking at the audience and tacitly saying we are fucked. and yeah, kids probably come away from it with a sense of existential dread, if theyre old enough to get it. but its important to learn how to process that existential dread, and i think its also important to mourn the loss of the biosphere that's dying, and to do that you need to know and build the skills to be able to, at least for as long as is necessary, look unflinchingly at what is taking place. i wish kids of today didnt have to learn that message, but i think it's better to start that process of honesty in an age-appropriate way as soon as the kid is old enough to start feeling that capitalistic hellscape dissonance. (around age 6-11, again okko's demographic) this isnt a goofus and gallant, im not saying this example was so perfect and why can't f&c live up to it. its more, i do want to point out that these messages can and do successfully make it to screen in kids media, and its important for kids media specifically because thats a chance to reach people who might be stuck in a bubble. anyways if u stayed for that whole ramble here have exploding fluttershy <3

[bignutspatrol]

aight got rid of the irls. mental illness rambling, not anything negative, just reflecting again. big talk on dissociation so avoid if thats an issue for u

idk we used to be so terrified of the whole 'integration' thing but there is something so.. calming and beautiful(?) in acting as one. we're still different in a way, but we're so blurred together that there may as well be no difference between one another. 'switches' are basically seamless at this point, though we never had too much of an issue with that. Amnesia isnt an issue, i mean theres still some memories that we cant really.. access or thinking about it brings up a mental "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS" mental prompt. but like, with no real therapy getting this far is pretty good, no? i dont think i can get too much farther on my own, but thats fine for now. i think theres one or two parts that havent been integrated, judging from gaps and things ive just kinda observed. dissociating is still kind of an issue, but its hard to tell how much of that is from mental illness and how much is from my physical shit just being really bad rn. its never for very long though, and i can snap myself out of it at this point. looking back at how i used to feel like i was.. only ever vaguely aware of things going on, voices just constantly ordering around the body like im a puppet, the fear i felt back then. felt like i was drowning in pure ass dissociation. man. shits so much better. i mean theres also the fact that we actually communicate but. its so relieving to feel like im actually in control, and to actually be in control at least at times. and also to be able to actually trust my parts now too. i still cant tell who the fuck or what the fuck i am but thats fine? i dont think it matters too much at this point. sometimes it bothers me, but like....idk man, friends say im nice n cool, so who cares. i can recognize i have some bad habits and shit, and try to work on them... and the obsession with art is pretty consistent. so is this rambling. dont think what or who i am matters much past that. we've been mostly present the last year or so and its just... its so amazing how we act when we aren't clouded in that shit. feels like a completely new person. i mean it basically is lol but. its so fucking good, i thought i was just an asshole before that but nope! just hard to care or interact with people when your mind does not exist. turns out im kinda funny and bitches like that! who fucking knew. idk when i get that driving license i think ill finally bother to get a therapist. got some things i wanna do that i can only do when i get over the whole trauma shit.

even with all that said a lot of this progress happened /after/ being single. bpds like that lol. man im so fucking glad im over the whole 'if im single i wont be able to live, i can only have a happy life if im with someone' etc shit. i get where its coming from, have that compassion, etc etc, but like... Oh man. Hindsights 20/20. turns out i fucking love myself and love being on my own. i just also love chaotic slightly-bad relationships (i have some standards. not good ones.). gotta work on that too... hah. seriously funny that i kept going on and on abt how good my relationship with [several year dude] was and then. oop. hindsight hits, turns out! probably not that great. especially in the last year. i mean he did cheat on me after leaving me in the dark for months on end so like, no shit, but. idk best not to go into detail on that one. think some ppl that know him follow here lmao. dude is fine, just a bad partner. not abusive just not a good fit for me at all. maybe i just dont understand other depressed people at all lmao? tho my depression is kinda wacky since my emotions are kinda wacky as hell. gonna absolutely have to unpack that one with a therapist. i totally get why its like that but lmaooo solving that is too hellish for me.

[lizardl0ver43]

okay okay okay. with all the flood of inital backlash against wayward son, i didnt see anyone say “ur stupid if u like the book.” it was just everyone’s honest thoughts, and some people were upset.

and yet... people in the wayward sun tag now are so fucking condescending, saying “lol yall r stupid the book was amazing u cant expect it 2 b all fluff”... and the thing is no one was expecting that! lol. a lot of us were expecting the book to actually confront and work through shared trauma. we knew going in that simon was going to b depressed! and as someone who knows what thats like, i was hoping for a narrative that deals with all the bad parts while still offering some semblance of hope! thats not naive or stupid to desire, especially when SO MANY queer stories are angst ridden and tragic and hopeless. part of why i loved how carry on ended was because it recognized the fact that everything wouldnt be suddenly okay for them, but encouraged simon to “carry on” and offered hope that they’d be able to come out on the other side someday! you can understand why wayward son undermines that interpretation. and im sorry but no one wants a story where characters are put through endless trauma and arent allowed any space to heal, even if just in baby steps. instead we got a kind of oscillation between conflict and happy moments with no actual progress. and i think it was 100% right for people to criticize that. especially since, going in those first few hours, we didn’t realize there’s probably a third book in store! now its common knowledge in the tag, but reading wayward son without realizing it’s setting up a sequel till the very end? heartwrenching. really upsetting!! people are allowed to criticize media lmao it isn’t “negativity” or “hate”..... like i see bs about the tag being more “positive” now and im like... it’s because the people who were let down kind of left after sharing our thoughts?? some of us have loved and, lets be real, projected onto these characters for years since the first book came out. and i think it’s highly personal how reading wayward son will effect you. some people loved it, okay! but as someone with severe depression, who was going in ready to relate 2 simon and excited to see an emotional, healing arc for him... when i realized it wasn’t going to be like that i was devastated. it’s shitty to say that people who didnt like the book as much for these reasons are somehow the stupid ones who dont understand rainbow’s master plan and just need to trust her... like GOD can you stop talking over people who are making very fair points! especially when a lot of criticism also points to other aspects, mainly the weak plot and all the remaining loose ends. (which uhhh frustration at a dissatisfying ending isnt the same as being like “boo hoo cliffhanger”) it pisses me off insanely when people are in the tag like “u guys are wrong wayward son is good did u expect butterflies and rainbows?” like stfu just say you liked the book without the insinuation that people who disagree with u dont make fair points

[spiritwinding]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; mun & muse.

fill out & repost !

tagged by:  lmao  tagging:  idk whoever else likes long memes

my muse is:  canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. / NOT ANSWERING THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!! NOP Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK (i think so? i mean ive never seen anyone argue that sonic ISNT string) Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK (lmao as if) Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. (again lmao but lmao as in ‘his name is the title’) Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.  Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO.  How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. (generally speaking!) How strictly do you follow canon?  —  well. i mean i dont bust my ass to follow it frame by frame but i also don’t completely discard it so. though question

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  imma be real idk wwhat to say yall know who tf sonic is. heart of gold hero who plays by his own rules but has an undying dedication to protecting everyone and making them happy. very friendly and supportive but also vague and private and distant in a lotta ways. comes across as simple minded, maybe a little thick headed, impulsive, arrogant and childish but is actually kinda wise, mostly just confident, and likes to have a good time. live life 2 the fullest baby. 3′0′’ and has and will kick a god’s ass, also doesn’t care for his reputation and is capable of doing things others might read as morally wrong as long as he knows what he’s doing. i dont really care bout my bad reputation *guitar riff* 

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  — the fact sega literally said he’s legally not allowed to be sad ESXRDTFVGBHN honestly it’s Very funny but also gives me material to make him Repressed tm so? i personally dont mind a whole lot, but your mileage may vary

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  sonic colors!!! i watched chuggaconroy’s lp of it bc my brother said he thought i would like it and i LOVED sonic. so much. i love how he was so jokey and fun and dorky but also cool and how he protected tails above all else and how he got angry at the injustice the wisps were facing and how he just acted so Chill while out running a black hole and then just being? again so chill and confident when he gets brought back to earth. the ending of colors is one of my FAV things and i couldnt pinpoint to exactly why but i so specifically love the bit where he rubs under his nose and says all determined ‘a hedgehogs gotta do whata  hedgehogs gotta do’ like!! i love him. he’s so cool but also talks to robots that cant hear him

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  the plots i have planned mostly EDFVGBH but also i just. love sonic? so much as a character. he means a lot to me so just by default my affection for him gives me motivation and its ultimately what brought me back to the rpc, i just. really missed him!

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? (lmao) Do you frequently write headcanons?  about certain things! im better withh prompts though ftvgybhnj Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO (oh you have no idea dfgbhnj) Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO (ask my friends its a problem) Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF?  Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO.  Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. / SORTA. (dude it’s why i LEFT EDFGBHNJ) Do you accept criticism about your portrayal?  —  ysee i used to? but. god if i stress out too much about how Good Or Accurate my portrayal is i will just stop having fun. part of why i ended up not being able to keep writing sonic is because i freaked out abt this, it got REALLY bad. i mostly wanna just. write for myself ykno?)

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  yeah who doesn’t

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  nnnot necessarily? i wanna hear what that person’s portrayal is like in that aspect because i just love different portrayals of the same character but i dont wanna get into like.. a debate?

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  i think ive established im just that one meme of the cat crying while looking at a phone so. honestly i really just wanna concentrate on writing stuff i enjoy and writing a verison of sonic thats fun to write for me

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  like. sonic as a character or spirit? if its the former i mean. go crazy go stupid? live ur life? vfVGBH just dont like. purposefully bash the things i like to my face thats just mean. if its the former then Cest La Vie

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  if u wanna but. i make so many and i dont proofread so dxcfvgbhnj no point

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  i’m not strict by any means lmao. like i said im the crying cat meme

[19possums-blog]

On tianshan relationship and their fandom, i guess ?

hello there @nightfayre !! Im the 5asks anon lol (the one abt the last chapter of tianshan). I wanted to thank you for your answer and continue to rant in your askbox but i figured it was so long that mb it would crash ur box lmao, so I... kind of created a blog..... hm. well theres no bad reasons to create an account is there lol ?? (also is there no way to send a long ask ?? why is it so limited :(( )

So once again thank you for anwser, and what an answer ! You raised many points i didnt think about and that was very interesting. I knew i would be glad to hear your thoughts ! the rest under a read more coz i think its going to be looong lol

(( To do a sort of disclaimer : I despise fandom discourse and im more of the mentality “let ppl enjoy what they want as long as it dont hurt real life ppl”, and “dont like dont interact”. So everything im going to say is not an attack against anyone, but just a way of prolonging a manhwa that i like. Most of all, i want to emphasize that at the end of the day, its just a manhwa : it doesnt justify being mean or aggressive towards other real life ppl. If you find yourself raging while reading fandom wank, just stop reading, block, and go outside a little. My way of enjoying the manhwa is to be analytical, to criticize (positively and negatively) and to look at the material source as well as the fandom in itself ; if its (understandably lol) not your definition of fun, this post may not be for you !))

Ur totally right in saying that the hardest thing is separate morality, reality and fiction. I hope my asks didn't come across as a 'u shouldnt like tianshan bc its not morally good'. There is a lot of puritan push back on tumblr lately, and im totally against it. Everyone is free to like/ship what they want ; reading only ‘morally good’ literature wont prevent you to become a nasty person - i would argue itd be the exact opposite, as your spirit wont be trained to think critically or to evaluate a situation (and every situations is always grey) by your own means. Also, its important to separate fantasies/what you like to read and who you are/what you do. To be embarrassingly honest, and like many people, one of my sexual fantasy is rape ; but in my real life, im in a queer anarchist collective that actively fights against rape culture and defends rape victims. That is why i dont have a problem with SheLI/Mo shippers (or even HeCheng/SheLi shippers) even if its not my cup of tea, but i would have a problem if in real life (irl) ppl would say to irl Mo that irl SL is good for him (or if they wouldnt find it wrong that a irl 30yo Cheng is involved wt an irl 15yo Li). I digress.

But then again this confusion about fiction/reality/morality is at the core of the tianshan fandom -and many fandoms. I dont know about you, but i grossly see 3 types of ‘trends’ depending on how ppl interact with the source material  :

1.The ones who think you cant like something while being critical of it. I love 19 days but I think there are flaws in it, beyond tianshan dynamic (like how OX handles the transition between funny and dramatic moments –I think its badly done). It doesn’t mean I personally hate OX and wish harm to their family oc. Worse than this, the ones who, because they dont like certain things in 19 days, feel free to harass OX on their social media.  Here its a confusion between fiction and reality and a lack of critical thinking.

2. the ones that loves Tianshan because they think it fits the trope “Dark, handsome, tortured violent boy who is violent towards fragile, sweet, pure cute boy because he loves him” and the typically associated trope “the pure boy will change the violent boy by the pureness of his heart”. Aka the most common yaoi trope. Again, if it pleases people to see Tianshan like this, good for them and i hope they have a nice time reading 19 days. Lets face it, I love really bad yaoi and books. Its just not how i see tianshan at all, but to each their own. I just have a problem when these ppl insist that its an ok behavior to have in real life and say things like “possessiveness is a proof of love” uncritically (hint : it isnt). For me, its the difference between enjoying fast food (thats okay), and wanting to force everyone to eat fast food and to find it pleasurable (not okay).

3. the ones that think what you like in literature defines who you are, and so in order to be a “good person” you have to only like “morally good litterature” -there are the ones I personally find the more interesting bc they can ask good questions. But alas, in most cases its just puritanism badly disguised and currently they are in all fandoms. Lets not delve into the issue of this statement : what is ‘morally good’ ? who are in the authority to proclaim what is good ? how can you recognize what is ‘morally good’ if you dont see what is ‘morally not good’ ? is it literature’s responsibility to educate its audience ? do literature have to point out “watch out audience what just happened is not okay” as if we were brainless children ? whats more important : what you like reading or what you do irl ? .... Okay i totally delve into this lmao. Here its a confusion between fiction and morality and a rejection of critical thinking : we could say its like when the Catholics prohibited women from reading bc it would pervert them and think of the children).

Returning to the specifics of what we've been talking about  : so in this last case, you (generic ‘you’) think that you are a good person ; so you have to read morally good literature. So in this case, fandom isnt just a harmless hobby, but a proof of how you are morally good, imagine the stakes ! But alas, you happen to like 19 days and most specifically tianshan. You said (@nightfayre​ ) that you judge Tianshan unhealthy as they are now, and i wholeheartedly agree with you, so im not going to discuss why since you already explained it so well. So, what happens when you like a morally not good ship, but you think liking morally dubious things makes you a bad person ? You bent over backwards to explain that, in fact, this ship is morally good, to protect your integrity. And thats why, in 19days fandom since the last chapter (and its the same thing with every chapter where flaws of HT are revealed!), there are many posts going around “hm, in fact, what He Tian did is good ! i know it can seems like hes a violent asshole who dont respect MGS because he punches him, threatens him, and dont listen to him, but hm.... in fact its because he’s nice...” and then they do mental gymnastics to justify what is, obviously, not morally justifiable. And i find its a pity because, my guy, my buddy, nobody is going to throw you tomatoes if you like a morally dubious character, and also bc nothin is morally good ! everybody does what they think is the best in ‘problematic situations’ ! and thats what make life interesting ! and so, 19 days interesting ! The flaws of HT (and MGS) are what drawn ppl to his character, bc it makes him real, its makes him contradictory, we can project ourselves in him, and we can see a complicated character with awesome latent potential. And yes, treating someone like a territory bc you care about them is a flaw lol. (on this subject : i saw ppl saying that its protectiveness and not possession : if you protect someone like you would protect a territory, then its not a healthy protection. you deal with a human whose agency you must respect, contrary to a territory).

MGS and HT are the product of what happen to them in their early childhood and then their adolescence. Like you said, they grow up in a violent, twisted world, where being emotionally distant is the norm. I would even say that they are expected to conform to the standards of (toxic) masculinity : channel all your emotions into anger, caring is being weak and feminine, prove your worth by your physical strength, be in control in all ur relationship, etc. I would say thats why Mo is so hostile towards HT : HT challenges his masculinity, by seducing him (everyone know that the biggest fear of macho men like HT and Mo is being considered gay -_-) and being stronger than him. Lets face it, Mo has kind of a homophobic issue, like all the boys. Between JY who tells HT its disgusting being told hes handsome by a man (at the beginning of the manhwa, i hope by now he had grown out of it), or Mo who tells HT he isnt happy that a guy is on his bed or who desperately wants to prove his heterosexuality by saying he likes all cute girls to his baldy friend... HT is more nuanced, but at the end, when he ‘seduces’ Mo, its always predatory. He doesnt let himself being vulnerable and he aggressively touches Mo even without his consent. For me, its a way of proving his domination, not his interest (and when i say that, i dont mean that HT is not genuinely interested in Mo -just that his actions dont translate this). ZZX is the only one who seems to have a healthy relationship with his masculinity lol, but then hes the healthy one in all aspects (thats why i dont like his character and am not invested in zhanyi, even if irl i would love to be his friend).

With all that being said, oc HT wont know how to adequately express genuine concern and interest in Mo ! This sort of social interactions is not something you just know, its smth you learn. And in HT and Mo’s cases, nobody was there to teach them -we could even say that ppl in their life made them unlearn caring behaviors. So HT does what he does best : he fights and forces, and is surprised when Mo thinks (obviously) HT is evil. And also, like you said, Mo will never be (at least how he is now) a driving force in their relationships bc he will always run away from bonding with ppl. So here we are, HT being the only driving force in their relationship, the same HT who only knows violence. No wonder that their relationship is like this...

As it is, i feel like tianshan is kind of in an impasse right now. One or the other is going to have to evolve if we want to see their relationships changing. Either HT learns how to care without being violent (seems complicated if Mo doesnt challenges him, bc HT isnt going to realize this without feedback since its how he has always functioned), or, more likely, Mo is going to be honest with him and tell him that his behavior is hurting him. Though more probable, I dont see it happening anytime soon : for one, Mo isnt capable of seeing when he is hurting emotionally and what is hurting him ; and also, bc Mo doesnt know any other language than violence, not unlike HT. I think its smth most of the fandom ignore, how violence is smth that HT and MGS both have in common, and how if HT wasnt violent, MGS certainly wouldnt consider him at all.

Anw im excited to see where OX is going with all this ! Like you said, the forced kiss was pivotal to their relationship, so im kind of hoping it would be the same here ! I just hope they wont... do like usual and just put a funny chapter and ignore this latest development.....

OMG i wrote soo much and there is so much i still want to say.... i think im going to do a second post... sorry about the spam lmao

( @nightfayre : i dont know how this site works yet, is @ you alright ? will it show you my post in your notif or should i send an ask ?  bc i want you to see my answer, but i dont want you to feel pressurized to respond or interact or anything !! above all dont feel pressurized, i was sad last night when you wrote ‘im sorry to not answer more quicly’ bc you should answer at your own rhythm or not answer ! your blog is a hobby, not an obligation, so dont feel bad to not do more when yo already do much !! )

[wrestlezon]

liveblog containment post for aew rampage 5/27/22

i was out and about for lunch when it was live and then took a big nap

matt sydal vs bryan danielson! cool wrestlers alert dang matt sydal's gear looks good. nice outfit. its got a good balance of negative space. great design. note to self: insert pic later

see look! its good

ok that bit with danielson on his knees? yoooo

also? im glad sydal's hair isnt wet. im going to have to send an important update about this to my friend who is a lapsed wrestlefan man i never understand how sydal can do a standing backflip and then end up facing the way he faces at the end of it. acrobat heck yes!!! flip onto your feet!!! oh shit!!! the jumping roundhouse kick thing into getting caught into flipping danielson down?? heck yes me watching matt sydal and bryan danielson standing on top of the ring corner: gay sex is so complicated reverse powerbomb :O cool match but also rip

ooooo danhausen and hook recap promo

what the, what are the hardy boyz doing here LMFAO OH MY GOD? GANGREL??? OH MY GOD THE MATT FACTS? THE OVERLAY???? INCREDIBLE good shade being thrown omg??? not gangrel!!! he doesn't deserve this violence!!!!!!! yay the hardy boyz are here cutler the bump boy ok i really hope gangrel was talking to the hardy boyz like "oh i thought they were you. i got confused"

theyre adding MORE matches to the ppv? now we got darby vs kyle o'reilly on there??? theres a billion matches already!! oh i remember something about there being a big sports game going on on sunday and tony khan not wanting to start the main event until that ends... i guess itd be easier to choose to run that match or not run the match depending on how the schedule is looking than tell everyone to dynamically adjust their match durations

max caster vs dante martin! omg caster u cant say that about darius!!! rude!!!! nooooo that isnt your job aaaa boo the gunn boys LMAO they totally missed that shot-- whoever is in charge of switchin' cameras mustve been mid-sneeze or somethin glad they had the instant replay set up tho what a sick move by dante dude im always surprised at how big max caster is. every time what is it about him that makes his size deceiving... does he just not hold himself like a big guy? is his head too big proportionally to the rest of his body? does he just have short and stout legs unlike most tall guys who are, like, 75% leg??? what IS it he lost and my friend yelled in anger. sorry your boy cant win matches on tv. welcome to my world

samoa joe vs adam cole promo I Do Not Want Adam Cole To Win This least controversial opinion ever, probably. but still

DAN LAMBERT ALERT 😑😣 oh look scorpio sky got his lakers belt oh looks like they didnt forget about the second tnt belt ... yeah sure have disrespectful sloppy sex on all the championship belts. hate this i think kazarian being exasperated with them is funny but it can't make up for the rest of this

ruby vs statlander promo! look-- i dont think statlander, who was a sudden emergency replacement for the tournament, is going to win this. even though she should. she really should get something, because she rules. this promo almost convinces me that she could have a chance of winning this match though also?? ALL your friends betraying-- statlander the best friends never betrayed you. wh-- why. first youre not an alien and now this. if i didnt see chuck wearing his aloha walter shirt on tv i would think they were trying to retcon the best friends from television existence. im not going to turn into a catastrophizing wrestlefan but what about my favorite stable HUH? WHAT ABOUT THEM

THAT SCORPIO SKY TAG IS ON THE PPV TOO?????? ARE THERE THIRTEEN MATCHES ON THIS NOW OR WHAT

struggling to appreciate this ruby vs kris match because im still worked up about gimmicks where are the goofball women. where are they. where are the joshis why they are not around. jade is a mean buff strong lady, must we have two mean buff strong ladies and zero goofballs? bring back the joshis whoa-- are they really gonna make statlander win this? no they-- no they wouldn't design the tournament to be won by an emergency replacement ok there it is jesus the boos. like yeah i agree but still damn they should not have put statlander here in a bit part to lose, shes too popular. but like, i guess they kinda got caught between a rock and a hard place, because its like "oh we have an open spot here that we need to fill immediately-- who is available? who is good? who is popular?" and statlander checks all those boxes. but maybe they have other plans for her? like, if they want her to go and get jade's title or thunder rosa's title later, they would want to diversify their title allocation across different wrestlers right? so... patience? i dunno. i feel like kris statlander has such a bad run of luck because like, man. that velvet/hirsch/statlander feud never gettin an ending or resolution...

[identitycris1s]

so this is the new year

im finally taking time to sit down and reflect on the past few months. the new year came and went and its been a bit of a whirlwind. i suppose i’ll just go by chronological order cos i dont really know how to start...also i dont think im an abstract thinker so really my life isnt ordered by “themes” or “lessons” or whatever but i sort of think of it in terms of events and the epiphanies or lessons that flow therefrom. this is probably just gonna be a stream of consciousness exposition cos im lazy to organise my thoughts and this is basically my journal so WHATEVER!

November

X told me he liked me and asked me out. i was shocked. but sort of saw it coming (what else could “r u free after lunch, i have some stuff to say” mean...LOL). i reacted awkwardly - distinctly remember saying “huh..what does that MEAN!!!” (LOL) i told him i would think about it but could probably only give him an answer after part b was over. 

tbh this was probably just me stalling for time. i think instinctively i knew that i didnt see him in that way, but he seemed to tick so many boxes in terms of who i was “supposed” to be with - that sounds dumb, but what i mean is he’s a steadfast christian, a good boy, similar values, similar tastes in music / movies / books, same bloody industry LOL...

also he seemed really serious about it - ermmm he brought up marriage on that first day :0 ok i suppose thats unfair and it sounds insane without context - he said it with reference to how dating is always with a view to marriage which i do agree with but yes it was a lot to absorb in one conversation. and then he cracked out this book about dating and marriage and i was like woah. so, given how much thought he seemed to have put into this (he also said he chatted with his CG leader about me yikes) i felt obliged to at least think it through properly and give myself some time to consider rather than immediately rejecting him. 

and so i mulled it over whilst studying for part b. he was overseas for a while towards the end of my studying period (ie when i was freaking out the most and generally being a headless chicken) and this probably contributed to me feeling like i liked him more than i really did hmm wonder what this says about me. i like to feel like someone’s out of my reach i suppose. so fucked up lol! and so during this period we were texting everyday and i would look forward to his replies and he was a real source of comfort during that stressful period and i never told him this and i probably never will. 

December

exams were over and i had to face D DAY!! so i went to meet him to give him my answer and honestly even on that day i didnt know what my answer was. we met at BTM and he literally had written down a list of things to talk about and i think in that moment i knew this probably wouldnt work out. hes so damn thoughtful about every little thing and he thinks everything through and even though he seems to think he “doesnt take things too seriously” I THINK HE DOES...and i really dont...so i felt that showed how incompatible we were. its not a bad thing to be thoughtful. its just that i felt so pressured by how seriously he was taking things...i thought “trying this out” would be casual and chill and we would just hang out as if we were friends but with this overarching agenda of potentially being together but no his conception of “trying things out” is much more intense and serious and thought out and in his words “intentional”. which i realised is some christian dating jargon haha.

dinner was normal until he cracked out that list i was talking about. then he started talking about what he wanted out of a relationship and asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. like it was a damn interview. you know what, im saying this in a really condescending tone and i wouldnt ever be this hurtful if i knew he was gonna read this - in fact i really do think this kind of approach would suit many people and perhaps a more emotionally well adjusted person would think this was normal but i felt so bombarded and i really didnt know what to say in response. so i blurted out some nonsense about wanting to be with someone who was God fearing and “kind and compassionate” and “ambitious” LMAO...what bullshit (that last one i mean). and he had clearly thought out his answers a lot more and he went on a whole spiel about wanting to be with someone who could stand on their own as a christian and who he didnt have to “drag along” on their walk with God and i was like ok cool but i think im not that...im not what youre looking for...but of course i didnt say this. idk why. maybe i enjoy being wanted and sought after and i didnt want to shatter his illusion that i was what he was looking for, even though i was kinda seeing that he wasnt what i was looking for.

anyway, being the shitty person i am, i told him it wasnt a no but it wasnt a straight out yes either i.e. i would be willing to try with a view to potentially saying yes. and we left it at that. but even as i said bye to him that night i kinda knew this wasnt gonna work...but i wanted it to! i wanted to like him! i want to be the kind of person who can accept love from a well adjusted person who’s not afraid to be real and to take things seriously...but i suppose i have some emotional growth to work on...or is it perfectly valid for me to not want to be with him? tbh i never found him attractive (physically or even personality wise oops) - he doesnt make me laugh, hes kinda too uptight, he doesnt get my jokes (i have to be like “JUST KIDDING” a lot of the time..ded) but somehow we worked as friends. but to be with someone requires something more than just working as friends doesnt it?? ack

so we met a few times in dec (i think we went on four or five “dates” in total...im so reluctant to call them dates cos throughout i just couldnt see him in that light, but thats what they were i think) and through the course of our interactions i started picking up on things that i didnt like about him / about our interactions. this sounds awfully petty and i dont wanna be mean about this cos im sure i have MANY MANY MANY flaws that one could nit pick but these were just some signs that we would not work (quite apart from my lack of physical attraction to him)

1. our conversations always end up argumentative. i think this probably stems from both of us being law students and so whenever we disagree on something we both cant seem to fucking let it go. i distinctly remember one stupid conversation, i shall put it here (not verbatim but this is the gist of it)

X: what are your new years resolutions?

S: i dont like making new years resolutions because they always end up in disappointment because i never stick to them. 

X: but disappointment isnt always a bad thing because you can learn from it and improve from there

S: yes but that doesnt mean disappointment isnt a bad thing - cos disappointment in itself is bad (like duh the feeling of disappointment is bad) but what comes after disappointment can be good or bad i.e. you can choose to work on yourself and improve or you can wallow in the disappointment.

-some more argument and confusion about what we are even talking about-

S: ok lets not argue on this its a semantic point. 

X: is it semantic? its not semantic.

S: it is semantic. we are disagreeing on what the word disappointment means. i think it is necessarily negative but you are saying that disappointment isnt always negative because of what can come after but i think thats sidestepping the point of disappointment being negative in itself.

do you see what i mean. what kind of petty argument is this? whats the damn point? of course im definitely not blameless in this at all. i perpetuate it. but what im saying is i feel like talking to him brings out this argumentative side of me that im not a fan of. also its fucking exhausting haha.

2. he is so. fucking. serious. every conversation involves some heavy thing like spirituality or self evaluation or Godliness etc. which i suppose is good but i just found it tiring...why cant things be light? why cant things be fun? why do we always have to talk about *important* or *weighty* things? tbh i think he sorta compartmentalises me as a friend whom he can talk about these *weighty* things with cos im also a christian and i get what hes saying when he talks about God but i dont want to only talk about that...

3. we dont have similar senses of humour. i dont think he thinks im funny...but i think im bloody funny ok haha also i dont think im deluded on this? my friends think im funny too? yeah i think its a major problem that we cant really laugh together...hes not someone that makes me laugh at all :( 

ok enough bashing X haha i really do think hes a great person we are just NOT compatible romantically.

ANYWAYS! sometime in dec i also met up w SM for the first time in aaaages. but things were like normal again. sounds stupid but i think ill always think of him as the one who got away LOL....emotionally unavailable and not interested in me?? IM DOWN! haha. ok hes not emotionally unavailable tbh i probably was more emotionally unavailable in the course of our friendship but he defo never really expressed any interest in me other than always hanging out one on one but that doesnt really count for anything does it. anyways! he told me about his BTO plans and im honestly v happy for him :) friends r growing up and moving on in life mang..

sad part was i dropped avo toast on my new everlane pants and that honestly ruined my day lol

January

NYE was spent w S and some of her friends plus R and A (who went home after dinner cos of family drama lmao angie is siao) - we went to AL’s fam friends party at fullerton for countdown and the fireworks were amaaaazing, lasted about an hour (which made us question the budget allocation on this tbh isnt it a bit of a waste?? fireworks are insanely expensive??) and we promptly went home after the clock struck 12 which was perfect haha i have no stamina to stay out late anymore. 

work started on 2 jan! its been fun tbh - back with the trainees and meeting some new people and using my brain again. i like feeling useful and being stuck in a routine...at least for now haha. check in on me in about 3 months and we’ll see. 

and....i finally mustered up the courage to tell X the truth ie i didnt see this going anywhere and we should just be friends. we had kind of an awkward dinner (i could feel myself being rude to him and being dismissive etc but i think it could partially be attributed to me being tired from work..but mostly cos i didnt wanna be with him!! as a romantic partner!! it felt wrong!) and so i told him after dinner otw to the mrt (funny, we always have these convos otw to the mrt haha). he said he understood and he sort of felt it coming. and i felt bad - he mustve picked up on my coldness and rudeness over text and in our meetings also...why am i like this. i shouldve been up front with him on the first day. but i didnt know!!! i didnt know for sure this is how i felt. ahhh well u live and u learn right. next time ill be better at this. hope theres a next time LOL God pls send me someone whos right for me

ok bye for now! this was a lengthy post haha

[theday]

Those feelings are perfectly valid. It doesn't make you petty just because you still feel this way while some have moved on; people feel and deal with things differently. I don't know how you feel about these feelings of yours, but try not to beat yourself about it. Hopefully he'll apologize if he gets the chance. If he doesn't, I hope these feelings leave eventually.

For the Jae situation (if you’re talking about the song) I think it’s unfortunate that the song he recommended has such problematic lyrics. My stomach was twisting the whole time I was reading them and to know that he thought it was appropriate to recommend it didn’t make that it any better. I try my best not to blindly love bands or idols but a part of me thought that he was going to apologize. It’s been almost a week but I don’t think I’ve seen anything yet. This has me feeling torn at this (1)

point. This might be biased but I suggest having a bit of faith in him perhaps? Based on his personality (from what we can see anyway) I feel like he wouldn’t leave a topic like this untouched on purpose, especially if he knew that my days were upset about it. I understand that it can be unsettling to have one of your favorite people do something that rubs you the wrong way without any closure to disappate those negative feelings. Even if you do continue to feel badly towards him, know that (2)

hi anon!! how are you i didnt really expect anyone to talk about it bc i have v few day6 mutuals but thank you for bringing it up!!! i have talked about this before in an ask i answered on my main blog (thought it doesnt relate to the topic at all so ill just copy and paste what i said) under cut bc this will get long!

as of november 6:

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics… i SURE hope not… idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

 jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm 

okay so that ^ was like 4 days ago and it was answering a question on pet peeves so it didnt really have to do much with jae at all sorry for making u read that the second last paragraph is probably the most relevant whoops anyway

ive already said this but thank you so much for coming to my ask to talk (? though its mostly to reassure) about this with me because on twitter where i follow more mydays, i barely saw anyone talking about it and as i mentioned above it really bothered me :-/ everyone has different ways of responding to it so ill let that slide because there may be people who still want to enjoy day6′s music without having to deal with anythng “problematic” idk i cant speak for those fans who keep quiet about it but this isnt about other mydays its about jae and 

the fact that he’s been active on twitter since the release of the november magazine but has yet to speak about it also bothers me and its not smth i can just brush aside because like you said the lyrics are fucking terrible and has upset at least 2 people??? (which is completely understandable, the lyrics are trash along with the artist but i doubt jae knows about the shit the artist has done) from what i managed to catch on twitter idk about others and i posted a message on fans here because he has said that they do check fans so im hoping he ends up seeing it soon assuming he doesnt know about how the song distresses some mydays (i think most people have stopped @ing him about it at this point) and ill try to keep tweeting him??

i check the jae_day6 tweets and there are barely any tweets about the whole thing which is sad :-( so im just giving him as you said, the benefit of doubt and i believe that once jae finds out he’ll speak about it because jae is still the kind, encouraging person to mydays and i dont want something like this to change my opinion of him although it did eventually since i cant look jae (and pictures of him) the same way :-/ it probably has to do with the fact that i get influenced really easily by what others think?? and this time bc of what i think i ended up reacting negatively/not at all to jae things and i mean it sucks??? but i know that its okay to feel the way i do since we havent gotten any sort of explanation whatsoever 

anon i hope youre doing much better and even if you harbour any negative feelings towards jae too i want you to know that it’s really alright to feel that way like you said!!!! it makes me a feel a bit better that i have done my part to try and get jae to notice the mistake he’s made and i just hope he’ll talk about it eventually because he has so many opportunities to apologize/discuss the matter (vlive, twitter, fans) theres also music access which i will try and tune in to next monday so i can leave a comment (id feel bad for bernard though since hes the main dj)

once again thank you so much for being kind enough to reassure me and im glad it gave you a chance to talk about this too because something like this isnt something i can forget easily and i hope you have a good day because youre really great!!!!! i love you and its amazing that you believe in jae idk i think youre amazing!!!! 

[ilygsd]

201018

ffs im doing it againnnnn. i google and read shit that scares me but then i wont do anything abt it except for overthink and get anxious and fuck shit up and be an annoyance and then hate myself for doing this again but still go back and hope for him to forgive my emotional ass

im just so scared of fucking shit up again. i know i cant change the world, i need to change my attitude and know that i can get through shit even if people leave me. I CAN!! i am strong enough!!! i HAVE improved!!! i CAN! i have people who loved me and truly cares for me!!!!!! things are goong well with other people. people i dont really care about but they’re still evidente that i AM FUNCTIONING AND NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY

but those people were and are nt’s. even if im a paranoid emotional bitch who cant really feel it, i at least got some rationality that tells me that not everyone is after me.

its different with him.

i dont know if i actually care about him or if its my issues and insecrities or his manipulative charm that draws me to him but the feeling i get is so intense. and it scARES ME!!!! he could totally just take advantage over me?? i dont want to be paranoid, i want to BELIEVE HIM but my anxiety and all these other quotes and posts i read tells me i should get the hell away from people like him. and like....... i dont know if its just me overthinking or if its actually dangerous? im weak, i dont trust myself with him. im weak for him.

the fact that im more anxious because of him should be a sign right?? but on the other hand he makes me feel more alive. life is interesting with him but im also scared thats ”a part of it”. everyone says its a nice experience in the beginning. that they’re oh so charming to inpress you but then they’re going go change and its going to be to late.

and what does THAT MEAN? too late?? i dont think he would murder me or become physically violent, but his apathy will definitely hurt me either way. it STILL hurts me NOW and he’s not even doing anything ”mean”. like.... that’s who he is. he doesnt even have to manipulate me, the fact that he cant feel or give emotional love is hard enough for me to accept lmao.

and i mean he told me about his disorder? isnt that something? he seems pretty carefree. he answers most of my questions but he doesnt talk much about himself at all. he just seems bored. he told me he used to think people were annoying and slow (high IQ + narcissistic traits) but that he realised its not the world, but he who is different. and now the only thing he lives for is like his goals.

at first i thought he wanted to hurt and use me. instincitvely. he used to compare me to a deer, careful and beautoful (wow, such a charmer, so poetic) and in that case he’s a predrator. a social oredrator. he can take any shape he wants. its not me or his ”love” for me holding him in place, it’s only him. only him. him and the moral compass he set for himself. i dont think he wants to hurt me for fun, but he definitely would without doubt if i ever got in his way. perhaps not MORE than necessary, but as much as needed for him to get what he wants. but he’s patient. definitely. and i sont know why im worth waiting for. i dont know what i have to offer him.

we had sex yesterday. it was nice. but he’s one horny fuck and im emotional. he doesnt seem to care about the emotional stuff because the physical part is the only thing he can feel anywyas. all the love-shit yesterday (and any other day) is for me.... or for him... idk. i dont think its necessary for him but he does it because i want it and i guess that could be seen as nice?? at least he thinks so. he gets annoyed and anused when i question his sincerity. (says he might as well cheat and shit but like... yeah and u might as well be a mudder too whats your point??) but on the other hand he probably wants something more in te end. like my trust or something? it cant be sex. it wasnt THAT good and i he doesnt really care about the person he has sex with. he doesnt think of people, barely watch actual people but more lile hentai and the idea of sex. it could be control and power though. i know he wants me to test new things. one time i felt like he forced and treatebed me to drink coffee despite me not wanting to and i did. and i felt SHIT afterwards and i got SO paranoid and isolated myself for a week and he was a bitch about it and basically told me i overreacted and yeah maybe i was because i got SCARED of him and what he can do but i also could’ve handled it better and not let it scare me an understand i have a choice etc. but anyways, he’s stopped with that shit at least the threatening part like ”if you dont taste this coffe i made you im taking away the blanket”. and now he just liggtly pressures me. which i have to admit is okay? it made me try tea and i liked the tea. he also wants me to pierce myself and i actually would like that. he made me send him lewds (kind of) but i stopped because idk, i didnt like i. and idk i am happy i tried. im insecure and he makes me more adventurous. i just dont hope he will pressure me more or it would get worse. he’s like ”i would never force anyone to do anything” like yeah thanks thats.... nice to know.... he’s so weird. he makes offensive jokes that i bormlly would get extremely teiggered by but...... its different with him. i DO get annoyed but i also know there’s literally zero behind his jokes. i asked him if he likes the rection but he says he likes the power over the situation he has. he likes to tease me but he always makes sure i know its only joking and im not being serious. it seems like he likes the fact that he COULD leave me thinking he was serious but he choses to not. idk though, cus the fact that he always tells me when he does something ”not manipulative” is a bit..... suspicious lmao. he’s asked me to smoke weed though and im like super pure but honestly why not. he also made me drink and masturbate next to him. wow, he’s made me do a lot of stuff..... but idk, i lile the praise afterwards LMAO

so im just here trying go figure out what the fuck it is?? he doesnt talk much about himself or the people in his life. i asked about his friends and family but the only one he talks about is his ex girlfriend and best friend. at first i was so skeptical i was like ”omg why would she be with him, is she also a victim of his manipulation, or maybe she’s the same?” but idk. she seems ”normal”. he admitted she had similar issues to emotionally connect with people like him but that she’s not aspd. i also happen to know she’s a chinese adoptee as well and to compare with my own attatchment issues it wouldnt surprise me if she got the opposite of me.

anyways, at first glance you would think he loves her dearly. but when thinking about it he doesnt really express any love. just appreciation and thats what he said himself. for practical reasons. they help each other, he with her medical shit and she with his finances or something. and i want to believe in that. that he’s just looking for good deals with people. i get something out of him and he gets something from me. not anything emotional, but not necessarily him using people either. and he can be emotional, he is trying to be emotional for me. COGNITIVE EMPATHY THOUGH!!!

i dont know. i hope it is like this. i dont want to believe all the shit stories about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. yes i am low key scared to death that he one day will snap, change comPLETELY cus that’s basically who he is. i just hope.......... he won’t lmao. and i hope he wont just use me when he’s got what he’s wanted. and i reALLY hope i wont settle for his fake love. i deserve some REAL ACTUAL LOVE. i dont mind living in a fairytale with him someimes but i DO NOT want to lose myself to him. i deserve love, i deserve someone who loves me like i love them. no matter how much or how good he imitates love he wont ever be able to. PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THAT.

ive KIND OF come to accept who he is and that was hard enough for me, but i did it because he makes me do things and he makes me feel like i want it. also im scared that im too obsessed. like i really dont find anything interesting except for him. thats NOT a good sign. i feel like i both gain and lose myself with him. being with him is like living in a bubble. but when i meet other people everything’s as normal. i just dont want to isolate myself.

i dont think he would turn my friends or family against me

he says he teases the people he feel comfortable with. i cant get that. he’s changed. i sometimes feel like im a little sister. he took me very seriously at first and was very respectful and kind. now when he’s mee comfortable he’s more of a dick abd more straight forward when he thinks im overthinking or negative or annoying. and i am. i am annoying with him. its so weird but the moment i see him my EMO JUMPS OUT. i can be fun with other people and talk about other things and watch stuff but when im with him i just want to talk about sad stuff and feelings abd myself lmaooo. and yeah he finds it annoying and i get that. but i guess its cus we’re both a bit comfortable?

however he doesnt tease his ex/bff he says. its so weird, he says she was in charge in their relationship and i just cant imagine that cus hes so dominant. he said he started to respect his body etc AFTER their relationship so idk but i still cant imagine it cus he’s still doesnt feel empathy so there was no reason for him to obey her?? im curious about their relationship. i wonder what it was like......

what scares me is that i always feel inferior to him. thats ny good in a relationship. at the same time its the way i imagine relationships. he protecs me and i’ll obey him. its not that im always inferior, i tell him to piss off and fuck you when im annoyed. bit thats only joke. when tt gets serious he is always right. kind of. he’s like a dad as well. idk

all these posts are about sociopaths literalky tappning on thet victims and being CRUEL. but he’s not cruel, he’s just aprhtic, ubemotional. of course he CAN BE CRUEL, everyone can, but he chose not to. at least not yet. UGH. i feel so good with him. it felt better after a week with bo contact but i still wanted him because i was afraid i would lose him if i wanted more. which makes no sense because if i dont want him then i wouldnt want him. but wat if satt with him. i read blir people being married to sociopaths for 20+ years and i dont eant to be robbed 20 years!!!

he values actions more than words. in many ways he’s more high-functioning than me, and im a normal neurotypical while he’s an antisocial. thats why i was drawn to him anywyas. i wanted his help to handle my feelings and stuff. but idk. when he apologizes he doesnt mean it, but he still stops. when i apologize i mean it, but i dont stop. he could help me stop and he wants me to stop. bit thats also the only thing he values and it males me feel unappreciated sometimes when i actually TRY MY HARDEST

all these posts also fuck me up because idk if they’ve just encountered a mean sociopath, a mean normal neurotypical or if its just a sociopath. like i feel like people only focus in the bad stuff and call anyone ubemotional and cold abd mean a sociopath. thats not what i want to hear. i want to learn about them objectively??? they cant feel i get that. its mostly just girls writing about their fuckboy ens. like he thought i thought of him as a fuckboy but i dont. hes not a fuckboy, i hate fuckboys even more than i hate him. fuckboys are like..... just MEAN. for no reason. lmao idk. i mean he’s mean because he cant FEEL, he has no conscience. fuckboys are mean and so feel guilt but they pretend they dont and thats just pathetic. this persson id mature. fuckboys arent. hes sometimes immature too i guess UGH and narcisstisk UGH but lile..... idk. i just wouldnt go for him if he was a fuckboy. i dont get attracted to fuckboys OR bad blys