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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years

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Questions About Fuel Efficiency, Savings Bonds, Materialism, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Trading up for fuel efficiency 2. Average age of credit accounts 3. Switching to one vehicle 4. Found this great stock! 5. Canadian pharmacies 6. The rental lifestyle 7. Investing in treasury notes 8. Toaster oven purchase 9. Series EE savings bonds? 10. Spotify worth it? 11. Library book sale excess 12. Books on curbing materialism I regularly spend a lot of time thinking about ideas that are really useful in shaping my life as a whole, with personal finance as a significant part of that life. The challenge for me is relating those ideas in a context so that their value to my financial life is clear. I basically see life as a series of interconnected areas. Physical health. Mental health. Focus and concentration. Spirituality. Intellectual ideas. Marriage. Parenting. Key social relationships. Community relationships. Hobbies. Finances. All of those things are interconnected. All of those areas have at least one strong connection between each of those other areas. Your finances do not live in a bubble. I could literally write an article on the connection between any two of those things. In fact, I might actually write an article about each of those areas and how they connect to finances. Because of that perspective, when I find an idea thats really useful in one area, it turns out that the idea is often useful in many other areas as well because it tugs on those connections. For The Simple Dollar, Im interested in all of those things, but Im particularly interested in exploring that areas connection to finances and how that improvement lifts up ones financial state. That goes alongside topics that are focused largely on financial benefits, like frugality topics. The truth is that if I didnt see those connections to finances and I didnt realize how much the other areas of my life support good healthy financial habits, financial independence would be a far more difficult journey. While the actual mechanical steps for improving ones finances are easy, maintaining them requires strong connections and support from the other areas in life, which is something Ive really come to appreciate in recent years. Its all connected. On with the questions. Q1: Trading up for fuel efficiency I am trying to make a decision about trading in my vehicle for a more gas efficient one. My daily driver is a Jeep Wrangler and while I enjoy driving it, it isnt so great on gas mileage. I currently relocated to California where gas prices are higher than my previous home in Texas. With my commute to work alone (approx. 40 miles) I spend about $100 a week on gas. My Jeep is paid off, but Im wondering if it makes sense to trade it in for something that does a little better on the gas mileage front. Crunching the numbers, it makes sense to think about trading it in but I really enjoy having the vehicle. Any suggestions on making a decision about getting rid of something you love for the greater good of saving money? Rick Based on my guesstimation as to the age of your Jeep Wrangler, it looks like it gets about 15 miles per gallon on average. That lines up well with your $100 a week in gas costs given your commute and the assumption that you use it for a few other things. If you swapped it for a Toyota Prius, for example, your fuel costs go down to about $30 a week, as a Prius approaches 50 miles per gallon. Over the course of a month, thats about $280 in savings. Its probably going to be cheaper in terms of insurance, too. The thing Id ask myself when comparing the Jeep and the fuel efficient car is what exactly you get out of the Jeep that you wont get out of the fuel efficient car, and is that difference worth $300 a month to you? That is the lens through which I would evaluate that purchase. What I usually find in situations like this is that the lower cost item often has much of what I like in the higher cost item and breaking it down to paying a lot of money for relatively minor features seems silly. Its also worth noting that you actually have more options here than just keep the Jeep or sell it and get a very fuel efficient car like a Prius. You also have the option of moving closer to where you work which saves a lot on fuel regardless of what vehicle you have and cuts down the time invested in your commute. You might also look for work closer to where you live if moving isnt an option for some reason. There are lots of things to consider here. Q2: Average age of credit accounts Instead of opening a new account which would lower the average age of my credit accounts, should I increase my credit limit on a secured card? Currently it is at $800. I could deposit another $200-$300 to raise my limit. Stephen Its not the average age of your credit accounts that really matters in terms of your credit score. Its the age of your oldest active account that matters. There is a minor negative impact on your credit score from opening a new line of credit, but its minor and short lived. Often, that impact is counterbalanced by having a better debt-to-credit ratio (meaning the sum total of your credit card balances divided by the sum total of your credit limits). If you open a new card with no balance, your total credit limit goes up but your debt stays the same, this improving your credit score (this only works to a certain extent, but will definitely work if youve only got one card and are opening a second one). In your shoes, I would definitely open an unsecured card if youve been handling the secured card well for a while. I wouldnt close the secured card for a while, though. Leave them both open, then close the secured one (and get your deposit back) in a few years. Q3: Switching to one vehicle While evaluating my year-end financial moves, I wondered if I could switch down to one vehicle to cut expenses. A Google search led me to an article you wrote on eliminating one car. Id like to give you some information and get your thoughts on it. I live alone and travel regionally for work. I bought my second vehicle in late 2017 to tow a trailer with my sons racing kart. I can probably drop the full coverage insurance on the vehicles to save some money. I have a 2010 Honda Civic with 248,702 miles on it. I get about 32 mpg and drove 34,529 miles last year. I had $1933.36 in necessary repairs last year. The 2018 annual insurance was $467, the 2019 cost is projected to be $594. I also have a 2006 Honda Ridgeline with 147,422 miles on it. I get about 20 mpg when I am not using it to tow and drove 4,851 miles last year. It may be higher but I only used it when needed. I had $572.07 in necessary repairs last year. The 2018 annual insurance was $148, the 2019 cost is projected to be $301. Kevin If you think its possible with your lifestyle to cut down to one vehicle, you probably can do so. Its usually professional constraints or other life constraints that keep people from being able to pull it off, so if you dont see such an issue in your life, you can probably do this. The big issue I see is that the Civic is going to be far better for commuting, but the Civic cant tow. Do you have any other option for towing that cart? Do you have a solution in place for what the Ridgeline does for you if you drop it? If you do (or if you come to the conclusion that you dont need the towing ability), then Id drop that Ridgeline like a hot potato and keep the Civic. As many miles as youre driving, the fuel efficiency of the Civic is going to save you a ton of money on gas versus driving the Ridgeline that much. I think that if you drop the Civic and keep the 2006 Ridgeline and put almost 40,000 miles a year on it, the gas costs are going to be stupendous. My back of the envelope math says youre better off keeping both cars as they are right now rather than switching to an all-Ridgeline solution. Q4: Found this great stock! Heres a brain teaser for Trent: My boyfriend bought shares of MORL about two years ago and put it on automatic DRIP. Now he gets about $600 a month on average gross. I studied this stock and I just dont really understand it, but it seems like its just about like printing money!! But if it is so great why isnt everybody in it? So dont publish this on your Q&A thing, because I want to keep this quiet. Not looking for a pump and dump scenario, just wondered your thoughts on it. Anna MORL is the stock ticker name for UBS ETRACS Monthly Pay 2xLeveraged Mortgage REIT ETN. Basically, its a bundle of mortgages put together by UBS using borrowed money. Imagine that someone borrows $100,000 to buy an investment. They owe interest on that loan, but theyre fine as long as the investment offers a better return on that loan. Now, imagine you used that investment as collateral for an even bigger loan, which you then used to buy control of mortgages, so that people paying their mortgage bills are actually now writing the checks to you. You can often buy mortgages at below face value a $200,000 mortgage might be on sale for $150,000 or whatever if someone needs money fast, so if that mortgage ends up getting paid off, you make $200,000 plus the interest over the course of a few years. This is a great way to multiply your money, but its really risky. If enough people stop paying their mortgages, you are in bad, bad shape because you cant afford to pay the interest on the loans you have. The whole thing falls apart. Thats what MORL is. MORL is an extremely risky investment that only works well while the housing market is stable and interest rates are low. Its double-leveraged and uncollateralized housing debt, which basically means that if people were to suddenly have difficulty paying their mortgages (like what happened in 2007 and 2008) MORL is going to tank hard. Double-leveraged essentially means it rises twice as high when things are going well and falls twice as hard when things are not going well. I would not hold that investment for anything I was relying on for the future. If youre playing around with investments with money you can afford to lose, sure, but thats basically to gambling. Q5: Canadian pharmacies Im curious about your opinion on Canadian (or other foreign) pharmacies. My husband used them back in the day while caring for his mother. I tried one or two and wound up (computer) virus laden. Are there any good sites for Canadian pharmacies? Is it better to go straight to Canada for better prices? Doug So, heres the deal. Bringing prescription drugs into the United States from Canada is illegal under the Prescription Drug Marketing Act of 1987. However, because of the vagaries of having to deal with every special case of people living along the US-Canadian border, the DEA and the border patrol do not really enforce the law provided youre getting 90 days or less of a prescription filled and its not a narcotic. Basically, they just look the other way because its easier than dealing with the specifics of a case and the bad press that would come from taking away an 87 year olds arthritis prescription or a diabetic persons insulin. To exploit this loophole actually, just an unenforced law a lot of online pharmacies have popped up supposedly dealing in Canadian pharmaceuticals, but a lot of them are pretty dodgy. Theyre already doing something illegal but unenforced and its a market that reputable companies will largely stay out of because the whole thing relies on the US government not enforcing its laws. You may be able to luck out and find a reputable seller online, but there are a lot of sharks in the water because its actually illegal. Id avoid it unless youre actually going to Canada and buying the prescription drugs in person there, buying a small amount, and then coming home. Even then, youre breaking the law, but its a law thats not been enforced for a while. Q6: The rental lifestyle We are at retirement age and are thinking about buying a 5th wheel as our home for a number of years, as we are late to the savings game. It seems that used vehicles are the same price as new, and all of them expensive. What do you think about this alternative lifestyle choice that doesnt include real property? Amber It seems reasonable. I have met many people who have retired to a camper or a trailer. Many of those wind up parking semi-permanently at a campground and serve as campground hosts, so it doesnt seem like that unusual of a choice to me. (This shouldnt be surprising our family goes camping somewhere probably half a dozen times a year.) I think the key is to be sure youve priced everything out and be open to part-time work, both as a way to make ends meet and as a way to fill your time. I also know a lot of retirees who find themselves without much to do to fill their hours once theyre retired. If it seems appealing and the math works out, go for it. Thats my advice. Q7: Investing in treasury notes Question for you: I recently recovered some unclaimed property that I had lost to the state 12 years ago that they sold 8 years ago. I lost dividends for 12 years and lost the value the stock rose after it was liquidated. I wish to make up for my mistakes, so I was thinking of investing the money in T bills as I could use more stable investments. Do you have any opinions on T bills? Amy My feelings on US treasuries are that theyre about as stable as can be in terms of an investment but the returns they offer are really low these days, so low that theyre often matched by savings accounts. Theyre rock-solid and they do offer a tiny return thats as guaranteed as can be in this world, but the return is so small that I would not bank on them as a long term investment. You dont want to lock your money up for many years in treasuries that are returning less than 3% unless you truly need something rock solid. At this point, Id probably just put the money in a savings account or a money market account instead and buy them when interest rates rebound. The question of what kind of stability you need in your overall investments is something I cant judge without seeing your full portfolio. Q8: Toaster oven purchase Im hoping youll evaluate a recent purchase using your buy it for life philosophy. This detailed evaluation is overkill for a single, cheap purchase, but it would be valuable to have a good strategy for similar future purchases. I needed a new 4-slice toaster oven and decided to buy one at Walmart during a weekly shopping trip. Given the low price, I couldnt justify spending the time or gas on a trip to another store. I also didnt think Id find many quality online reviews of sub-$30 toaster ovens. The options that satisfied the size and features criteria were a $20 Mainstays brand model or a $25 Black & Decker brand model. I was skeptical that the Black & Decker model would last 25% longer, or be 25% more effective. Second, a toaster oven is relatively simple I doubted there was any game changing technology that B&D incorporated into this model that the cheaper version lacked. My cynical mind also suspected the B&D model was only branded as such after being manufactured in a random factory. I bought the cheaper model. What would you have done differently? Kevin I would have bought the cheaper model, but I would have probably waited a week and scoped out the local Goodwill first and bought whatever I could find there, as you can usually find toaster ovens there. Aside from the Goodwill caveat, I basically agree with your way of thinking. I might have done some homework on toaster ovens beforehand by looking at Consumer Reports or other guides, but honestly, theyre simple devices to perform a simple task and arent overly expensive, so youre probably fine in this case. While I have no evidence for it, youre probably right on the relabeled Black and Decker. Many items like this are functionally identical inside and have just a slightly different case on the outside. There really isnt a whole lot of variance in toaster oven internal parts. Q9: Series EE savings bonds? I have been buying series EE savings bonds for my grandson for years. My son says that theyre not a good investment right now and that a better gift for his future is to contribute to a 529. Thoughts? Amber I agree with your son. Series EE get very low returns right now; theyre best in environments with high inflation and high interest rates, neither of which is true at the moment. With a 529, the money can be invested more aggressively for much better long term returns if the account manager so chooses. My only qualm here is the gift horse in the mouth issue. I hope that this discussion was a tactful one. Its hard to say from the description. I consider complaining about a gift to be a pretty rude move. If you have a relative giving savings bonds and would rather they contribute that money to a 529 for your childs future, thank them for the bond, wait for a while, and then have a conversation with them about how youre saving for your childs college education. Mention that anyone can contribute to the fund, but let the gift-giver decide what to do with their gift. Its their choice, not yours. Q10: Spotify worth it? I used to listen to the radio constantly. There used to be a radio station near here that played great music of a wide variety, from rock to bluegrass. The station was sold and now plays modern bland country music. I have tried listening to other stations but havent found anything I like. Considering trying Spotify or XM but wary of adding a monthly fee. Are they worth it? Ashley We have a Spotify account that we use as a family. It is often being streamed through speakers in our family room or in our daughters bedroom. My feeling is that such an account is worth it if you listen to a lot of music and want it to just stream and mix up song selections on its own without ads. If you dont listen very often, I wouldnt subscribe. My suggestion would be to try Spotify with a 30 day trial offer heres the link. Set a reminder on your phone 27 days from now that reminds you to cancel it if youre not using it. Then, install the app and try using it as you would a radio. My best experience has been with an inexpensive Bluetooth speaker. Q11: Library book sale excess Our local library has a book sale every year where you can go in on the last day and fill up a box for $2 which I have done for years. I finally realized that I had filled up half of our spare bedroom with books Ill never read from those sales. I would end up grabbing 4-5 that Id actually read and 40 that I wont. What do I do with all of these books? I dont want to throw them away. Anna My first suggestion would be to have a super cheap yard sale. If your town has a community wide yard sale, announce that youre selling books, put them all out there for a quarter each on the first day, then knock it down to a dime each the second day, then a nickel each the third day. People will clean them up if you advertise it a little. Another suggestion is to start dropping them in little free libraries around town. Just take some with you and whenever you see a little free library, stick one or two of those books in there. Itll put that book in the hands of someone who will read it. If nothing else, you can always donate used books to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. Theyll almost always accept used book donations. Q12: Books on curbing materialism Something Im struggling with is my relationship with stuff. Ive been thinking about it a lot lately. I think I feel like to some extent that my worth as a person is tied up in the stuff that I have, like I cant really enjoy books without a large personal book collection or I cant really be a good home chef without a lot of kitchen gear. The thought of getting rid of stuff really hurts because I feel like Im agreeing to be worse at something or less at something. I think this is a feeling youre familiar with. Do you have any advice or any books on how to curb this way of thinking? I need to stop accumulating stuff and start downsizing. Jim The easy answer would be the ever-popular Marie Kondo book, but I think youre asking a somewhat different question than what shes answering. I have three suggestions for where I think youre at, ranging from the more practical to the more philosophical. The first is The More of Less by Joshua Becker, which is definitely the most practical of the three books Im suggesting here. Beckers key argument is that owning too much stuff keeps you from the experiences you want to have because youre constrained by space and clutter. Thus, take the approach that even a small fraction of your stuff represents more than a lifetimes worth of experiences and pass on the remainder to those who will value it. It only takes a small fraction of the stuff you have to represent your life. The second is Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki, which is in the middle in that its a mix of philosophical and practical. This book, to me, focused on the connection between your sense of well being and the environment you inhabit and how that interconnection flows both ways. While it dives into practical steps, it focuses on how those steps reveal and promote a symbiosis between your own well being and your immediate environment. The final book is very philosophical Erich Fromms To Have or To Be? Fromm steps back from the practical but rather dives in a very thoughtful way into why we accumulate things. His argument is that we do so because we view them as a shortcut to a particular type of experience we yearn for, but that the item often serves as a substitute for that experience, an empty calorie that leaves us unfulfilled. This book ends up being an argument for experience rather than possession and I found it to be the most convincing but least directly practical of the three. Read this one to feed your thinking and inspiration; read the others for more connections to practical steps. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-fuel-efficiency-savings-bonds-materialism-and-more/

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ilygsd · 6 years

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170918: 1

everyone i hear and everything i read says i should leave. i would never let my little sister or friend be with a person like him. so why cant i? why do i still want him? why do i think that he has what i want? he’s just an empty shell. he’s just manipulating me. he’s an asshole. but i just want to give him more chances. i just want to feel THAT whatever the fuck it is im feeling. im not even in love with him, im just obsessed with the feeling. its everything ive ever wanted. safety and unconditional love. from a sociopath??? safety from someone so impulsive and unpredictable? unconditional love from someone who cant even feel basic empathy? HAAH.

i know with every bone in my body that i dont want to be with this person. i JUST had a fredh start, i dont want to be ruined again. i dont want to be destroyed again. not again. not so soon. i wouldnt be able to get up this time. i really wouldnt. i KNOW FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART that i DONT WANT to be with a sociopath who cant fucking ever love me in a normal way, who cant ever respect my feelings in a normal way. i DONT WANT to spend my precious time on someone like him

so WHY is this so hard? ffs i didnt even realise i was obsessed until my mom and ex challenged me to not talk to him for a week. its not like i was super engaged and texted him all the time, but now when i KNOW i cant talk to him…. fucking abstinence. i feel like shit?? ive known this guy for max a month and i feel like absolute shit. i feel lonely and worthless without him, which is weird because i know my mom and ex loves me so much more than he’ll ever be able to do. i feel ashamed like im disappointing him. i feel WEAK for letting my emotional ass get manipulated like this

he didnt even have to do much tbh. its not like he’s giving me attention and love 24/7, he’s pretty……… normal?? maybe its not the attention i want. maybe its his intellect. he seems so sure of himself and as i said, i can identify myself in him. i want to think good of him because i want to think good of me. that i deserve to be happy like him.

this is so dangerous im so fucked. at least i cant smell him on my skin anymore (omg pls i sound like a fkn creep, do u know how much i’ll cringe over this when this is all over 😔😔). ive become obsessed with other ppl too, thats why i partly want to blame myself and not him. the difference is that those were good people. normal people. they realised that im fucked up and unstable so they ditched me before i could start anything. this little fella right here doesnt. he wants to control people, we’re a perfect fuxking match made in heaven.

fuck keep your head, keep your head. i low key regret i ever told my mom and my sister and thats dangerous. i will NOT hold secrets to them. if i do i’ll only turn to him. i’ll isolate myself. not because he tells me to, he wouldn’t need to be that controlling. i’d do it automatically because i want to. fuck me. i want to meet him. i want to cuddle with him just one more time. just a little longer. i want to hear his voice, i want him to sweet-talk me to sleep. i want to live in his little dream world and let him live for me. im too tired anyways and he knows that. i always tell him things before i realise myself. one of the first things i said was that he makes me feel safe and calm and that i just want to give in. ive told him so many things because i cant shut the fuck up and hold my feelings and thoughts to myself. im too anxious, i need constant reassurance because i dont trust mysef

one day i wont need my mom or my ex. one day i will be able to make these decisions completely on my own. and when i can do that, i wont have to be afraid of people like him using me. i will be able to be with him….. what the fuxk is that my motivation again? ”recover and heal so you can be with this sociopath?” as long as i want to be with him im not recovered right. its when i DONT want to be with him right

wow im so proud and happy i recognised this so early though. in that way its kinda good i dont shut up but have to talk to my mom all the time so she can give me advice. i mean if i didnt tell her, i’d probably go back to him. i’ll probably go back to to him again after this week is over. thats how fucking much i miss him. i cant eat, sleep or think. i dont even watch any series anymore. i dont know what the fuck is up with bts or anything. i cant study. i want to go back. i want to sleep next to him. i want to hear his heartbeat and i feel his scent. i want him to play with my hair and smile when he kisses me. i want to sleep with him. but i can absolutely the fuck not let that happen holy shit

he was right abt that. i wasnt aware but its true i need an emotional bond to sleep with someone. thats probably why i got this weird mating/impregnation kink anyways EW SORRY FOR TOO MUCH INFORMATION I HATE IT BUT I CANT HELP IT. I DONT WANNA BE USED AS A SEX TOY OR BABY MACHINES BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…… the intimacy. if i were to let myself have sex with this manwhore, this really fkn horny bastard…….. i would basically try to bond with him again. i want to be a hoe, i want to be promsicous but i dont think i can

fuck that makes me so sad though for real. ive been aromantic and asexual for like 2 years, i was honestly scared i’ll never feel anything anymore. then i met him and i was so HAPPY THAT FINALLY I KNOW HOW TO BE IN LOVE AND SEXUALLY ATTRACTED AGAIN but SIKE, he’s a fucking sociopath it doesnt even count bitch. erasw him from your mind and you’ll realise that you still dont find anyone in this fuxking world attractive

fuck me in the asshole, someone save me. someone tell me WHY cant i be with him? who cares? i just want to die anyways right. i mean he makes me feel stuff i obviously want to feel. im obsessed, its my drug. its the easy way and im too tired to fight anyways. i just want to sleep. i just want to be taken care of. he could do that for me. everyone would be happy, he could brainwash me until i no longer have any individuality. great, right? would he really do that though? in a very subtle way in that case. he’s smart, he wouldnt want anyone to notice

i wonder how he feels about his diagnosis. if he likes it, dislikes it…. he said he was jealous of ppl who can feel empathy and that he used to feel it when he was younger. lost it when he was around 13. but like…… that could be bullshit because he only says shit after my reaction. he only started with his ”maybe it will come back” crap after he realised how……… not attracted i an to his sociopathy

and i wanna be a good person. i want to ve openminded. I IF ANYONE WANT TO UNDERSTAND SOCIOPATHS AND PSYCHOPATHS BECAUSE I MYSELF LOW KEY FEEL LIKE ONE, ALSAYS HATED AND DESPISED BY ANYONE AND EVERYONE. but wow…. when it comes to it i really cant. i feel superior. what the fuck is wrong with him. i feel sorry for him. this guy cant fucking feel basic love how sad isnt that. he’s a machine. a master ar disguise. he only lives to use. thats so fucked up

its scary how im isolating myself without him even telling me to. like he encourages me to talk to my mom and ex and get to know people and do my thing. right now its like im living in a bubbel. when im with him im in a bubble. i had trouble going to school yesterday because i was so caught up. when i meet other people its like i realise wow ih yeah im here. thats why in panicking. thats why i want to meet so many new people again now. i stopped chatting with people after i met him but now i feel like i have to.

he was worried i was rebounding with him after my ex. its more like the other way around. im trying to rebound from him. im trying to meet someone else like him so i can forget about him, but no one else is as interesting or as smart or as charming as him. its fucked up. je is a great guy…… uh…… if youre not in my position and let yourself get manipulated and used. i would NEVER have guessed if it wasnt for me being in love (or smth) and therefore wanting to know his TRUE intentions/feelings with out relationship whatever the fuck it is. i didnt understand his ”im just interested, it takes time for me to like someone”. but then we continued to fight and i realised this fuxker doesnt know how to stop, he doesnt feel guilt or regret

can i still be friends with him though? like he’s super smart i’d love to hear his advice on certain things. WAIT. why the fuck do i even want to be his friend?? hes still a fucking weirdo and you still dont know his intentions……. what if im overthnking? what if he’s avtually nice? NO ITS NOT BICE TO FORCE SOMEONE TO DEINK COFFEE ITS NOT NICE TO THREATEN SOMEONE TO TAKE AWAY THE BLANKET IF I DONT DRINK HIS COFFE AND TEELS HIM IT TASTES GOOD. ITS NOT NIXE TO GUILT TRIP ME OR ACCUSE ME OF TRYING TO MANIPULATE HIM WHEN HE JUST HURT MY FEELINGS SO MUCH I STATTED TO CRY. ITS NOT NICE TO ACCUSE ME OF GASLIGHTING WHEN I AVCUSED HIM FIRST OF GASLIGHTING.

im scared of him. im scared that he’ll be angry if i tell anyone about this

#the abstinence i had when i wrote this is fucking crazy #and sad #wow im such a dumbass honestly i deserve to get used lmao #diary #jo

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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this girl i know pointed out that despite not making huge strides in recovery - i’m now at a point where i’m not drowning in the past. and that’s pretty good because it means i can almost see a future. and doing these small things i’ve been doing solidifies my responsibility and obligation to the future. that’s pretty big for me. to even live without the thoughts of the past haunting me regularly is great. i’ve made strides, at least.

so i guess it’s a stride to recognize that it’s not just this physical landscape of my environment but the people currently making up my environment as well. lke my personal environment. this is causing a lot of stress. and it seems to be a problem that is a really difficult hurdle to overcome. but i can also see the path which it could lead to. i dont want to be a different person. i’m never going to be because i’ve seen and know too much now. but there are things which i could achieve personally that would put me into situations that allow the opportunity to meet people who arent causing me personal stress. but im not there yet so i have to develop ways of getting what i need from basic personal interaction but not heavily involving myself into people’s lives. which is still really lonely - it’s hard to flip the “no one cares” into a positive, but here we are.

i heard in a podcast that mentally ill people attract mentally ill people. thats sat with me for awhile. i know i’m not in a good place, but so are the people i’m associating with right now. i want them to be better, i want myself to be better but we’re all taking very different paths in life right now and no one can relate to each other but we’re so involved in these paths we’re willing to sacrafice legitimate human connection for it.

and to be fair, even if one of us found the answer - the others would still have to take their own journey to find it as well so we’re just not connecting and life is not comfortable to live. it’s not metaphorically overall but i dont hate it. the other day i had a moment where i feared dieing. like i momentarily saw how precious life is and the mathematical probabilities of you being on the planet at all and i feared that when it ended - it ended. i didnt desire it to end.

but with this stress, it makes daily life more strenuous than it has to be nd much of it is the debris shaken from other’s paths. it’s not that they complain and throw their shit on me. theyre respectful, to be fair. but our paths are so different - like one could have major construction and another just be a dirt road but placed side by side you get this shit no one intended to fall there.

so you cant see these people as necessarily bad - theyre just following their own way. and you happened to decide to detour your path next to theirs in the mean time so there is some culpability that lies on you. if you have any control over the direction of your path, you can always detour away.

but it becomes like a landmark. like these two roads across the land in all the terrain remained parallel and it becomes heartbreaking to see them split into new roads. we become emotionally invested in these locations despite how easy it is to detour away.

but “despite the terrain” is where the stress is - sometimes the debris from other path’s hurt you and sometimes they literally create obstacles on your path and how many obstacles can you climb before you detour.

i’m upset because im emotionally invested in the location. the landmark we created. and i’m heartbroken to see it split into different roads - and perhaps somewhere down the the line tiny street branches will momentarily touch like tentacles of pavement and for a brief moment we’ll feel it again but never the same, never like it was.

you walk by yourself and you always walk by yourself. even when the roads run next to each other, you’re walking on yours - they are walking on theirs. and like theres moments when these roads may run so close together it seems like a wide highway taking on the vast land. but one of them ends and the other slowly peters out, never the same.

i’m really sad but not depressed - i’m sad that this is what life actually literally is. to no other importance is the distance you walk from when you are born until you die. nothing else matters, no one else particularly matters (give or take the situation) - it’s just you. on your road. but i guess he positive of this is that you control the ability to create this road as you go. you can remain a meager path, you can pave concrete six lanes deep - you can patch holes and repairs.

regardless of what choices you take in building the path, making no choices at all stil does remain a certain choice. the road continues. perhaps slowly. but at default it continues whether you’re an active participant and other people can give you materials to build your road - some people are given all the materials - but if you don’t do SOMETHING at all, the road still continues. if you dont control the direction - it continues. it may wander aimlessly, brushng up against the dirty tentacles of dark alleyways of others you wanted nothing to do with and the garbage runs into your streets. you may get lucky and brush up against someone who pushes your path in the right direction. but it continues on with or without your involvement. some things you dont have to leave to fate.

its sad. its mothers day which doesnt bother me but bothers me that it remains another reminder of the paths others are on and how they are supported.

again, i’m doing pretty okay. i guess i’m anxious i’m not doing better to be able to overcome the current stressful situation i am in without creating additional stress. life isnt stress free but it’s been constant debris for months and i’m anxious and fearful and resentful of what i know will be stressful in the coming week.

i wish i knew what to say without lieing. i would be lieing if i fully supported these decisions - either of them. not to my own benefit but if he were any other person in my life, i would feel the same way and choose not to interject myself either positively or negatively. i would stay involved in their lives to whatever capacity was allowable by their own decisions but continue to live my life without concern of them.

not lieing i believe no matter where he is he does not have the personal capacity to better himself and to blame it entirely on his environment really exaggerates the “difficulties” hes facing. i think its a bitch move to up and leave what he’s been involved, whether he was a “willing” participant or not, without any concern does not in any way dictate anyone needing to or finding real benefit from having any further concern for him and for him to think any differently is so egotistical and selfish that it just proves he doesnt have the facets to make changes within himself on his personal will. so moving to either coast of the country makes no real difference, in my opinion, to his personal state of well being other than losing any personal responsibility to create the facade that his mental state is “better” because no one of any real knowledge or sense would have the ability to define his behavior or thought patterns as health or unhealthy because no one knows him or has any personal responsibility to him.

“healing” my ass.

instead of saying this - which would be deemed automatically unsupportive of his decisions, i remain quiet. or i laughingly joke whether or not he’s even going to go at all because it seemed very much like he wasn’t going to based on his own personal actions. to tell the truth would be unsupportive. i have no choice but to remain quiet or leave so by remaining quiet i feel like i am still supporting his good will and well being but not involving myself in what i believe to be a bad decision.

this entire scenario is a symptom of someone else’s mental illness. whether they are malicious or not - they believe so hard in their own delusional thoughts that they want me to believe in them as well. they cant see why i wouldnt understand their logic. they cant understand mine. i am now just a bystander.

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viralhottopics · 8 years

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5 ways you can improve communication with your coworkers

Young brothers talking with tin can telephone on grunge background.

Image: Shutterstock / pio3

Businesses spend a lot of time focusing on how they communicate with customers. While this is important, you also have to think about internal communication. Is there healthy dialogue happening between coworkers in your organization? If the answer is no, then something needs to change.

Why Internal Communication Matters

Communicationthe mere mention of the word may conjure up an image of a counselor talking a couple through marital strife. Its a loaded word that we all know is important, yet few successfully master. While necessary in personal relationships, communication is also important in the workplace. Healthy communication fosters better collaboration, strategies, decision making, and execution. It also affects these other important issues:

Morale: If you ever why your employees dont seem to be motivated, dont automatically assume it has to do with financial compensation. Although pay is a concern for many workers, it is not their only concern, entrepreneur Rose Johnson says. Employees appreciate good communication coming from management.

Independence: A third major benefit of healthy internal communication is a greater sense of independence from employees. When employees are clear on what theyre doing, they can step back and work on projects without being interrupted. This leads to greater productivity and happier employees.

Diversity: Do you have a diverse workforce with people from different cultures and backgrounds? Companies can avoid cultural confusion and miscommunication by training international employers early in their careers and on a regular basis, Johnson points out. Effective communication causes productivity to increase, errors to decrease and operations to run smoother. There are plenty of other reasons why strong internal communication matters, but these three examples give you a taste of the benefits.

Five Tips for Improving Communication How can your organization actively prioritize strong communication between coworkers? Well, it all starts with a game plan. Every organization is unique in size, structure, and makeup, but the following tips tend to be universally applicable.

1. Build trust through small talk

You might have a firm grasp on who your audience is, but how well do you know your employees? Messages from superiors in the workplace are better received when the superior also takes time out once in awhile to just say hello, or ask how their weekend was, says Angela R. of DialMyCalls. Small talk is a communication method that helps to build trust, making the big talks better heard.

Most people hate small talk. Its cheap, pointless, and doesnt really have any value. With that being said, small talk is important in the sense that it makes people feel more comfortable with one another, opening up the door for meaningful conversations in the future.

Next time you walk through the hallway and see someone you dont know very well, stop and ask them how their day is going. Talk about the weather, a game you know they probably watched last night, or their plans for an upcoming holiday. In doing so, you invite them to make small talk with you down the road. And finally, at some point in the future when you need their help, youll have a little bit of a foundation to work with.

2. Invest in occasional team building exercises

If you know that you have a culture of poor communication in your organization, then you may want to take a very direct, targeted approach. One classic way to open up new channels of communication is to conduct occasional team building exercises that require individual coworkers to collaborate around a central objective.

No matter how well your team communicates, using group activities to strengthen existing skills can be an enjoyable way of developing good working relationships, Mind Tools assures businesses. They’re especially useful for building relationships and improving communication in new teams, and for solving communication issues within existing teams.

InnovativeTeamBuilding.com provides a number of unique and effective options. There are exercises that last just 10 or 15 minutes, as well as ones that last an hour or more. The great thing about these exercises is that they can be tailored to both small groups and large audiences.

3. Implement clear communication channels

Sometimes individuals are bad at communicating with one another because theyre unaware of how theyre supposed to communicate. This problem is typically rooted in a lack of clear communication channels.

Every individual in the organization should know who they report to, who reports to them, and how those people fit into the larger company structure. This isnt to say you need rigid lines of communication where certain people are only allowed to interact with certain individuals, but there does need to be some agreed upon configuration.

When individuals know who theyre responsible for communicating with, it makes it much easier to share ideas and collaborate. Less time is spent crafting your message according to how you think someone will respond. Instead, you can cut straight to the chase.

4. Create a feedback loop

If were honest with ourselves, its quite obvious that traditional annual performance reviews are a thing of the past. The workforce of today expects to hear how they are doing regularly, not once a year, expert Diego Santos says. In fact, a recent study reveals that 80 percent of todays workers favor instant and regular feedback over traditional annual reviews.

Feedback is something thats important inside of an organization, but looks much different than it did 15 or 20 years ago. In order to ensure everyone is on the same page and getting constructive criticism and encouragement on a regular basis, there must be a feedback loop.

While the term may sound intimidating, a feedback loop is nothing more than a process that defines how actions are evaluated and assessed in the organization. Many feedback loops are natural and happen in daily conversation, but youll also need to create some formal feedback loops for a more analytical look at progress.

5. Encourage open door policies

The final tip is to encourage an open door policy. And while most people think about open door policies in a practical sense with the boss leaving their door open throughout the day they transcend physically propping a door open.

A good open door policy means anyone in the organization can talk to anyone at any given time. That might sound obvious, but is this really true in your company? Can the new intern go talk to the CEO if he has a question? Does the part-time guy in the mailroom feel like hes able to eat lunch with the receptionist whos been there for 20 years? An open door policy means everyone feels comfortable enough to approach anyone.

Stay committed to strong internal communication

Fostering a business that prioritizes internal dialogue and cares about how coworkers are communicating with one another is no easy task. Youll face resistance and try plenty of techniques that dont work. But, at the end of the day, you need to stay committed. A culture of healthy collaboration isnt something that happens overnight, but it can be killed overnight. When things seem like theyre just puttering, stay the course and try some new strategies.

John Rampton is serial entrepreneur who now focuses on helping people to build amazing products and services that scale. He is founder of the online payments company Due. He was recently named #2 on Top 50 Online Influencers in the World by Entrepreneur Magazine. Time Magazine recognized John as a motivational speaker that helps people find a “Sense of Meaning” in their lives. He currently advises several companies in the bay area.

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John Rampton