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tinylilemrys · 10 months

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Lonely In London

Relationship:

Trent Crimm/Ted Lasso

Additional Tags:

Angst and Romance | Romcommunism | Friends to Lovers | Romantic Comedy | Alternate Universe – Canon Divergence

Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Summary:

Henry, worried about how lonely his dad seems to be in London, writes into an advice podcast for some help. A podcast run by an ex-colleague of Trent's – one that he listens to religiously. If Trent falls a little for 'Lonely In London' because he reminds him of Ted, well that's just coincidence. An homage to romcommunism, largely based on 'Sleepless In Seattle' with a few others thrown in for good measure.

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A/N: I'm posting at least the first two chapters on Tumblr, because I have no idea when AO3 is going to be back on its feet and I know I'm looking for fanfic on here too. 💛

CHAPTER 1

It starts one relatively normal weekday in June. Henry is in the living room, with his iPad and new Richmond-branded headphones, a welcome-back-to-England gift from Jamie. Ted is a few feet away at the kitchen table, putting together his plan for the upcoming season.

He's not supposed to be working. Not yet. He's been ordered by Rebecca to take the month to focus on rest and spending as much time with Henry as possible. It's his reward for an incredibly hard-fought season.

Unfortunately Ted's never been one to take much of a break. Not when there was so much still to do.

If he's being honest, a lot of it has to do with Nate's betrayal. It stung then and it stings now and the only way Ted can think of dealing with it is by being better than they were last season. He wishes Nate all the best on his new adventure with West Ham, he really does, but it would be great to succeed in the face of Nate's spiteful turn.

He can't stop thinking about how it had cost Trent his job, and that, more than anything, makes Ted furious. The club would recover, but he could never go back to being Trent Crimm, The Independent.

His train of thought is interrupted by an excited shriek from Henry, who up until that point, Ted assumed was playing games on his iPad.

"Dad! Dad! Guess what? They used my question!" he yells, bounding up to his dad and handing him an earbud. Ted laughs, partly in confusion, partly because Henry is so earnestly excited.

"Whoa, hold on now, Bud. I'm gonna need you to take several steps back in this conversation so I have context." He pops the earbud in. "Who are you sending questions to?"

"It's this podcast called 'Help, I'm So Sad'," Henry explains. "They take questions from people who are sad and give them advice."

Ted's stomach plummets. Both he and Michelle knew it was a risk, having Henry come to London for the whole summer. The idea was to give Michelle a break to spend some time with Doc-- with her new boyfriend, while giving Ted some quality time with his son. Throw in the promise of one-on-one training with Henry's hero, Jamie Tartt, and it seemed like a solid plan, albeit one with the potential to go terribly wrong. Henry has never been away from home as long as that, and now, barely a month into his time here, it seems like Henry is so sad he had to write into a podcast about it.

"Oh, Henry," Ted manages to choke out when his breath returns to his lungs a bit. "I love that you're admitting you need help. That's a very important step that not even a lot of grownups get to. I just wish that you knew you could talk to me about these things too. What's got you so sad? Do you want to talk about it or do you just need a hug right now?"

"No, Dad, it's not for me." Henry giggles as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, and Ted feels some of the sensation come back to his hands. Maybe he's not a complete failure as a father after all. In fact, he's so relieved that his son isn't sad to the point of getting write-in advice about it, that the next sentence completely blindsides him. "I wrote to get advice for you."

Oh. Well. Shit.

"Now that was mighty thoughtful of you, Bud," he says, measuring his voice, trying not to panic. The earnest smile on his son's face tells him that all of this was done with the absolute best of intentions. He'll have to course correct on where the healthy boundaries are when it comes to personal struggles, but he can't rightly be mad at his son for something that was done out of kindness. "What did you write to them?"

"Listen," says Henry, scrubbing back a bit in the episode. Ted obeys, heart hammering against his ribcage, the foreboding bubbling up inside him, turning his stomach.

"Smidge," says a woman with a clipped English accent.

"Bits." says a voice in response.

"Lauren says we're going to love this next letter."

"Ooh, I'm listening," Her accent sounds Scottish. At least Ted won't struggle to tell their voices apart.

"It's from 'My Dad's Sad'… aged nine and a half."

Smidge gives a small squeak.

"Oh, we're not going to survive this, are we?" she says.

"Probably not," laughs Bits. "Okay here it goes. Dear HISS. My friend told me about this show. Her mom listens to it a lot, even though we're in America and you're in England. My dad is also in England, so I was hoping you would be able to give him some advice since you're right there.

"He's been very sad ever since him and my mom got divorced. My mom has a new boyfriend and they seem to be happy, but my dad is still sad. He says that he's happy with work and even though he has a really cool job that he's very good at, I can see that he isn't happy. He pretends to be and I think most of his friends at work think he is, but I know he isn't. Even though we still play catch and Minecraft and build LEGO like we used to, I can tell the whole time he's not enjoying it like he did before. He doesn't ever go out on dates or even talk to anyone except his work friends. I don't get to see him a lot, since I don't normally live in London with him, so I don't know how to help. How can I make my dad be happy again like he used to always be? Love, My Dad Is Sad, nine and a half."

"Oh bless him," says Smidge. "Well, My Dad Is Sad, I think in this case the only advice we can really give you is to talk to your dad about it. He probably doesn't know that seeing him unhappy is upsetting you as much as it is."

"Yeah, I agree," says Bits. "And maybe he hasn't given himself the permission to let the old times go yet. I know when my parents got divorced, my mum struggled a long time with letting go of what we used to be. She didn't date for ages afterwards because she said she didn't want to introduce too much change into my life, but it was really her excuse for not wanting to move on herself. And you know what, My Dad Is Sad? He sounds like a really good father even though you don't get to see him a whole lot. Sounds to me like if you talked to him about this, he would be willing to listen."

"Of course I would," says Ted, who has tears streaming down his face despite his best efforts to keep it together. He removes the earbud and pulls Henry into a tight hug. "Oh man, I didn't realise you were so worried about me, Champ."

"I try not to be," says Henry, and Ted can hear by the wobble in his voice that he's also crying. "I just wish things could be like they used to be."

"I know, I know. I do too," says Ted, rubbing Henry's back soothingly before pulling away to look him in the eyes. "But, hey, look, I need you to know that I am getting help, alright?. I have a great therapist who's helping me work through a whole bunch of things I've never ever thought to work through. Things I'll be able to explain to you properly when you're a bit older. So even though I might be sad now, and even though it might not ever go away completely, I want you to know I'm working on getting better, okay?"

"Okay," nods Henry. He wipes his arm across his eyes. "Sorry for crying so much."

"Hey now, ain't nothing wrong with a good cry," says Ted. "And in any case, I started it. So you don't get to be sorry about it even if you wanted to be."

"That's not how it works, Dad." Henry smiles a little and it's better than the sun peaking between the clouds on a rainy London day.

"Oh, shoot, you're so right." He slaps his forehead for comedic effect, this time even drawing a little giggle from his son.

I really do owe you so much, Kiddo, he thinks to himself.

"Look, would it count as a start if I wrote into these kind ladies to say thank you for the advice?" Henry nods enthusiastically and Ted laughs. "Well, that's settled then."

He saves and closes the report he was working on and opens his email.

"Dear Smidge and Bits," he says out loud as he types. "And Lauren too I guess…"

He begins typing up the email, Henry leaning against his shoulder until he gets bored and goes off to play on his iPad some more. Once he's sure that Henry's engrossed in his task again, Ted decides to give his letter a bit more context, so that they understand he's not a completely lost cause.

After reading and rereading the message again, he sends it off, taking a deep breath as it moves from his outbox to his sent folder. The afternoon sun is striping across the living room floor and Ted realises they've been too cooped up all day. It's time to head down to the Green for a kickaround.

"Hey, Bud, boot up. We're heading out."

***

It doesn't matter how many times Trent leaves Anabelle, it never gets any easier. She looks so genuinely distraught that he feels physically ill looking at her. She loves Shaun, Trent knows she does, but she's still so little, and he knows she doesn't understand what's happening to her. When Trent deposits her into her other father's arms and turns to leave, and she screams like she's being subjected to the deepest betrayal, Trent feels his heart break that little bit more.

After one last glance back at the house, where Shaun has finally managed to wrestle the door closed behind him and the screaming four-year-old, Trent sighs, sets his satnav from "Shaun's Place" to "Home" so he doesn't get lost, and reluctantly pauses the complete Bluey soundtrack. He's about to get going when he remembers that he's promised to text Ted that he's safely in Aberdeen.

He doesn't usually text Ted his whereabouts. It was all down to a chance encounter a few days ago out on the Richmond Green. He'd bumped into Ted and Henry kicking a football back and forth and when he explained that he was taking Anabelle to get her favourite ice-cream, Ted asked if he and Henry could tag along.

Trent wasn't about to find a reason to say no even if there was one.

Despite the growing pit of dread in his stomach at having to leave his daughter, he'd had a surprisingly good afternoon. While Henry and Anabelle had giggled together about whatever kids find funny at that age, Ted and Trent had talked about everything and nothing. About Trent's firing and Richmond's chances in the upcoming season. About Henry staying for the summer and about how it was Anabelle's other father's turn to take her. Trent could have spent all day there, but a huge chocolate-stained yawn from his daughter had told him it was time to say his farewells.

"Hey, I know we're not on best bud terms yet," Ted had said and Trent had smiled at the word 'yet'. Like it was an inevitability that they would be one day. "It's just I know it's a long drive to Aberdeen and it would set my mind at ease to know that you made it there safe."

"I'll text you when I get there," Trent had replied, trying to ignore the way his stomach flipped at the idea that Ted was that concerned about his safety.

"I'd appreciate it, Mr Independent." Ted had offered the most devastating wink then, and Trent knew there was no way he wasn't going to do as promised.

It's nice to have a somewhat positive excuse to text him for a change. The past few texts back have all been Trent delivering bad news, including the latest one informing Ted that he'd accidentally locked his keys in his car. Okay, maybe that had been worse for him.

Hi, Ted – in Aberdeen safely. I'm just stopping at a service station to get a coffee and a bite to eat and then should be on my way back to London. Thanks again for your concern. Hope you're having a lovely Saturday with Henry.

By the time he gets to the nearest service station, there's a voice note waiting from Ted.

"Hey TC! Thanks for the message! Glad to hear you made it to Scotland safe. Hope you're holding up okay? I know it doesn't get any easier to let go of your kiddo, no matter how many times you do the handover. Holler if you want to talk about it. Or even if you want someone to take your mind off it. I have it on good authority that my ability to talk for hours about absolutely nothing is practically a superpower."

Trent gives a little huff of laughter at the direct quote from one of his Ted Lasso articles.

"At the very least, please let me know when you're back in London again, no matter what time of the night it is. Drive safe and I'll see you around."

He probably won't – not with Trent no longer covering AFC Richmond – but it's a lovely thought all the same. As is the idea that he has an offer to call Ted for the sake of just talking to him for a bit of company. He can't imagine working up the nerve to actually take him up on it, but it's fun to imagine.

He reacts to the message with a heart emoji, and then, panicking how that might come across, changes it to a sunflower instead. Friendly. Happy. Safe.

He really is such an idiot when it comes to Ted.

Fuelled up on coffee, an overpriced BLT, and, well, actual fuel, Trent loads up the latest episode of his friend's podcast and begins the long journey back to London.

He refers to Help, I'm So Sad as his friend's podcast, but he's not sure he could actually classify Lauren as a friend. Certainly, they were colleagues for many years and she was one of the people he hated the least. She worked in a different department, covering high society. Until one day as legend had it (Trent had been covering a match that day) she'd declared loudly to everyone in the cafeteria that she couldn't take it anymore, strode out of the building, and never came back.

Though he was convinced at the time that it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard someone do to their career, he couldn't help but admire the nerve it must have taken. Now, with the hindsight of his own firing, it seems even cooler. He wishes he could have left The Independent with his head held high, instead of with his eyes on the carpet, trying to balance the embarrassment of his dismissal with the lack of regret he felt at treating Ted like a decent human being..

In any case, Trent finds her podcast quite entertaining and listens to it as often as he can. What better remedy for his own foul mood could there be than listening to other people's problems for an hour?

At first, it's not particularly effective. The voices seem to blend into the sound of rain beating against his windshield as Trent wonders if Anabelle has stopped crying by now. If Shaun's remembered to take out her favourite bath time toys. If he still remembers all the words to her special lullaby.

It's only the phrase 'My Dad Is Sad' that draws him out of his lull.

"…then we have an exciting follow up for you," says Bits. "My Dad Is Sad's sad dad reached out to the show after hearing his son's lovely little letter."

"Ohhhh my god," says Smidge. "I'm going to be a wreck."

So am I, thinks Trent. He'd cried at the kid's letter last episode.

"Well buckle up then," says Bits. "Sorry, listeners. This one's a little on the long side, but if you're anything like us, you won't care all that much. Here we go."

Bits starts reading the letter, and Trent, indeed, doesn't care that it's longer than normal because it's perfect.

Dear Smidge and Bits (and Lauren too, I guess)

He can't help but smile at Lauren being included.

I can't say I know much about your show, other than that my sweet boy decided you were the right people to talk to about my overwhelming sadness for the past few years. I have a smart kid, and I trust his judgement, so as such, I have to thank you for the kind advice you gave him.

I want it to be known that I am in therapy and I'm working on getting myself back up on my feet. There's a lot I've been struggling with that I didn't know I was struggling with, even beyond the divorce, and as I'm working through it, I'm starting to slowly return to myself. That's not to say I have it all figured out. More than anything I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good full-time dad when I only get a fraction of the time I want with my kid.

Trent's stomach does a little somersault. As silly and parasocial as he knows it is to feel things for a person who for all intents and purposes isn't real, he can't help but be taken by this man and the way he talks about getting better for his son's sake. It's why he'd insisted on couples therapy when he was still married. It's why he immediately found a therapist for both Anabelle and him after the split. After the disaster of Shaun, there's nothing Trent finds sexier than a man who's serious about his mental health.

And that's not even touching on my love life, the lack of which seems to be causing my kid a deal of concern. It's not for lack of trying. My job makes dating a little more complicated than it is for most folks and I realise that after 20 years of being in the same relationship, I don't have the game I once thought I did. I've been in a bit of a situationship with a lovely lady on and off for the past couple years and when I tried to shift it over into the relationship zone, I was soundly and correctly shut down.

"Sounds like a mistake to me, Ma'am," mutters Trent, chastising himself even as he does. He's being ridiculous. The man could be a serial killer for all he knows. She might have actually made an incredibly intelligent decision. He doesn't know and he shouldn't care.

Now, I have a crush on a guy that it would be way too complicated to date.

Bisexuality? Now that is a plot twist. And it's not doing anything to stop the surge of affection he feels for this random anonymous person.

Not between the two of us, mind. I think we'd get along like a house on fire. We do get on like a house on fire. But it would be a bit of a PR nightmare and I don't want to put our burgeoning friendship in the line of fire like that. For that reason, I've decided tamping down my romantical feelings so I can just focus on being his friend. I think it's something we both need.

That's pobably for the best, honestly. Trent has been witness to and involved in his own fair share of PR disasters throughout his career. It rarely ends well.

All that to say, as much as I'm working on getting better, I'm honestly still pretty lonely. It's not helped by being a fish out of water in a country that only just now seems to be warming to me. I guess if I could ask any advice from my own perspective, it would be: how do you start again and put yourself out there after 20 years of being so firmly off the market, you tried to believe the market didn't exist?

Sincerely,

Lonely in London.

Smidge and Bits immediately set about providing all the advice they can, but Trent isn't really paying attention anymore.

He feels for this man. He knows what it's like to be so lonely it aches. Even in his marriage, things had been so fraught that most nights he lay next to Shaun feeling like a shell. There was always something inside him reaching out for something life sustaining that he was fundamentally lacking – like lungs trapped underwater gasping for air.

And he knows firsthand how London exacerbates that feeling. People who'd sooner spit in your face than ask you how you're doing. Cold modern buildings that make you feel insignificant in comparison. Grimy old structures that remind you the city's history spans millennia and your story is barely a blip on the radar. The contrast of windows glowing gold at night against the icy blue of the streets, reminding you that there are people that don't feel the same crushing isolation.

And, sure, Anabelle is a lifeline against the crushing loneliness, but what is he supposed to do when she's an eight hour drive away? He can't even imagine being on a different continent to his child altogether.

This is how Lonely In London consumes his thoughts for hours. Trent finds himself scrubbing back in the episode to listen to the letter again, until he practically has it committed to memory, each time feeling a deeper connection to this complete stranger.

If this man is Lonely In London, he's Isolated in Islington, and he's never related to anyone more.

If you were being honest, a nasty voice says in his head at about the four hour mark, you would admit that the reason you feel like you fancy this guy is because he reminds you of Ted.

With that final unhelpful thought, Trent knows it's time to change the subject. He finds one of his old faithful football podcasts and decides he won't spend another second more thinking about Lonely In London or Ted Lasso, even when he's brought up in discussions about Richmond's chances this season.

It's almost two in the morning when he finally gets back to his flat. He's too tired to even change out of his clothes, instead collapsing face-first onto his bed and toeing off his shoes over the side. He's about to let himself slip off to sleep when he remembers he promised Ted he'd text him when he got home. Groggily, he picks up his phone and types a quick message.

Home safe. Smooth drive home. Thanks again for the concern. Sleep well.

It's barely a minute later when his phone buzzes. Did Ted wait up for him?

Glad to hear you're home in one piece. Sleep tight, Trent Crimm. 🌻

It's only the next morning that he fully notices the sunflower and decides that with Ted Lasso around, perhaps London is a little less lonely than it used to be.

Next Chapter

#tedependent #tedtrent #ted x trent #trent x ted #ted lasso #trent crimm #ted lasso fanfic

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thisdreamplace · 2 years

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goodnight love, 🌙goodmorning sunshine 🌤

💙 how to go to sleep and wake up, embodying the new you, when dealing with tough feelings/emotions 💛

while on this journey of shifting your self concept/embodying your desired state, you may experience difficult days where the old story was very dominant, or perhaps you experienced triggers and are feeling emotionally drained.

in this post, i want to share with you my personal practice for ending this type of day well and allowing myself to wake up on a high note ! 🌤💙

night routine

after a more difficult day, i think it is important to allow ourself to be still and know, or as neville would say, go into the silence. for me, this is crucial because i put myself first — which includes my mental health and emotional well being. make yourself a priority, you come before your desires. always.

🌱 gratitude journal ~ i’ve kept a gratitude journal for the past couple years and i adore it so much ! this is a helpful practice because it makes you shift your focus onto something good from your day. personally, everyday, i like to write about my favorite part of the day and one thing i am grateful for. but you can approach this anyway you like <3

🌱 general journaling ~ this is very helpful to vent/let it all out !! you allow yourself a judgment free space to be open about how you feel and just release it and let it go. plus, you may find out some things about yourself you didn’t realize before.

🌱 meditation ~ my favorite part !through meditating i can feel out the day and breathe through it. and through that i feel less resistance from myself and therefore, i can more easily leave the day behind me. i don’t have to keep thinking about it or feeling the remnants it. i am free to be who i want to be again. i set myself free in this way.

🌱 sleeping ~ as many know, as we fall asleep that is a time when we are in SATs. so i like to be in a more comfortable state of being, allowing myself to feel more neutral or good as i fall asleep. that’s what the 3 practices above allow me to do. overall, i like falling asleep in a general feeling. but you can do any method during this time: subliminals, SATs scene, lullaby method, etc. to me the key is first allowing yourself to release the uncomfortable feelings of the day, so that more lovely/neutral feelings can be brought with you into sleep. otherwise, it can become this weird, forceful venture. and force is not the best practice when it comes to changing self, or the law itself, overall.

💞 we do not have to carry the burdens of the day into our sleep, nor into the next day. this is why i like this practice so much !

💫 reminder:

you are the light in the darkness 🌤

you are the light 💛

morning routine

this one is rather quick ! upon awakening, i remind myself of one thing:

🦋 i am not who i was yesterday. i am someone new today. 🦋

waking up and reminding myself right away that i am not the same person from the day before, but instead someone new — always puts in me in a position of empowerment and remembering who i really am. i wake up right away, embodying my ideal state and having an overall positive outlook on the day. because i know the happenings of yesterday will not decide my today. imagination is the only reality, so automatically shift into embodying who i want to be puts my imagination at front and center stage. and i am automatically on the right foot for a beautiful day 🌤💙

we fall into this trap of thinking we are the same person, especially if you find yourself lowkey waiting for the outer world to validate you. so you wake up thinking that you’re the same person, facing the some issues, and this new day ahead is just another day to battle with. no ! stop. every moment is a new moment, it’s a new chance to be who you want to be. no conditions required.

💘 this part is heavily inspired by i am love podcast.

so,

i hope that this inspires you and helps you get an idea of how to stabilize in your preffered state/concept of self, embodying your ideal + giving yourself a reassuring night and a bright morning !

just a reminder: even if you fall asleep feeling terrible and wake up feeling bad, so what ! it is okay. every moment is a new moment to become new. always remember the first principle -> be still and know that i am god. psalm 46:10

💖🌈💫🌷

#allowing #i am

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