#this story is meant to be about self acceptance and reconnecting with your culture when youve been denied it due to external factors

[betawooper]

anyways shinbyeong, at least thats the title im going with unless i come up with something more cool

the setting is korea in the early 1930s (so during the japanese occupation of the peninsula), where theres a single mother and her 18 year old child who refuses to get married are trying their best to get by

but then a fateful encounter with a mysterious shaman occurs causing both the mother and the child to be possessed/linked to a nature spirit, now they have to find that mysterious shaman and break their connections to the spirit with the help of other shamans in similar predicaments, all while avoiding being captured by the government, as you do

[astyle-alex]

Common Sense Meets the Autism Spectrum:

| a Parental Aide for ALL |

Last month was Autism Awareness Month, and in honor of that I've whipped up a little Parental Aide to help all grown-ups understand neuro-divergence a tiny bit better. I meant to post it here during the last week of April, but I forgot because of the craziness with Finals... But since Autism and neurodivergence doesn’t just magically go away at the end of April, here’s a little skim of it now:

I've recently been chatting with  a new consultation client / parent whose child has been recently diagnosed with Autism, and it got me thinking about the unfortunate nonsense surrounding the entire societal black hole of neuro-atypical / neuro-divergent presentations, especially in 'unusual' cases.

The first thing that needs to be said is IT'S A SPECTRUM, and it's honestly a comprehensive population spectrum, which means that EVERYONE IS ON IT.

Yes, say it with me: Everyone is on the Autism Spectrum.

From being perfectly, generically neuro-typical humans to rage-murder psychopaths to non-verbal, high-physical autistic kids to sociopathic con-artists. It's a SPECTRUM.

Accepting that is the first part of understanding it. And it's sometimes helpful to know in order for parents still in diagnosis shock to have something that reconnects them to their child.  If you've recently received  a diagnosis and you've dissociated at all, or know someone who is in that situation, knowing that the parents and the child involved are both still on the same spectrum, can help.

(It's a sense of cohesion and sameness that parents dream up for offspring, and can be problematic if over-done, which is why parents sometimes force their hobbies / goals onto children or react poorly to LGBTQ+ explorations / self-discoveries, both of which are fodder for plenty of other posts).

Once the spectrum is accepted, we can move on to understanding it better, and to diagnosing attributes of it that are affecting  our lives.  Knowing these attributes can help us navigate them, even in a capacity where the effect of them is not so severe that we call it a neurodivergence.

There's a stigma with mental illness, and autism is a trigger word regarding that, but it shouldn't be. We don't (as much, any more, at least) shame people who don't have clinical anxiety, but still exhibit crowd skittishness or phone distress or choice paralysis. And, honestly, mild autism frequently presents as anxiety, in our current popular understanding, as it's often limited to one or two aspects of life that provoke dramatic aversion responses where as actual, general anxiety is usually a more evenly distributed with lower-key hesitance / avoidance.  Mild autism also presents as ADD / ADHD (and in my opinion the ADD / ADHD diagnosis tools are essentially boiling things down to 'not a psychopath but probably autistic, but not like the autism in in the popular imagination').

We accommodate the small symptoms of both autism and anxiety, adjust what we can and power through what we can't.

That adjustment is a lot easier when we know the triggers for the distress.

Now, the scaling systems I'm about to share are not professional, not part of the DSM, and not a tool of formal diagnosis. Consult a licensed professional before taking any big steps, but take a look at these scaling systems to help start a conversation (even if it's only with yourself). I might have another post on adjustment strategies, because these don't really address the links between presents-as-anxiety and autism, but for now, we're just gonna look at how to start asking questions and how to wrap your brain around the biggest bit of the autism concept.

Again, none of this is a diagnosis or a practical guide on how to cope, but it is helpful to be generally informed enough to start recognizing issues / asking questions about what else might be affected by a given  place on a scale.

So, Autism is a spectrum, right?

Well, technically, it's multiple spectrums.

There are several sub-spectrums that layer over each other.

The crux of it, the most basic version specific to autism, is this:

Understands Emotion  --  vs  --  Does NOT Understand Emotion.

Now there are varied layers of that, such as  'displayed' emotion (like in facial expressions), or 'tonal' emotion (like voice tones), or even  'conceptual' emotion (as in the basic cause / nature of emotionality).

Plenty of kids understand Tonal Emotion (hearing and recognizing the difference between Mum is angry and Mum is happy), but not Conceptual (this is called being young, and usually gets grown out of as kids actually experience {and label} more emotions, the process starts at age 3 or 4, but honestly continues for most of life). Or kids may be able to hear tonal changes and interpret them accurately, but they don't read faces well (this is either a significant indicator of some sort of disconnect or, can indicate that the facial expressions they have seen shift do not shift in a way that is consistent with tonal changes {like if a parent is angry and tries to hide it with a smile}.). Some kids can track the changes in tone and expression but can connect them to a concept (such as 'fear' which doesn't develop as a concept to children until about age 5~7, even in horror-story situations, like children in warzones, only get a really nuanced concept fear a year or two earlier).

The second BIG scale to assess things on is intro- or outro-spective, and it's a 2-for1:

- misunderstand -- VS -- understands OWN emotions  

--  vs  --

- misunderstand -- VS -- understands OTHERS' emotions

AND misunderstands or understands the CAUSES of emotions in self / others, and why those causes and interpretations may be different for various individuals (which requires understanding the concept of there even being varied individuals, a process that ).

This is the line between "I like it, so others DO" vs  "I like it, so others MIGHT", that is difficult for young children. Having a distinct sense of a separate self is actually a complicated psychology process, and it takes over a year for most infants to even recognize that they have a reflection. If understanding the self/others division stays extremely difficult passed age 7-ish, we maybe should look more closely. But at the same time, it's rarely before that 5~7 range when kids begin to understand that shopping for a birthday present for a friend involves thinking about what the friend would like, and not what the kid themselves like.

And there's still gonna be moments of grown-up fan-rage at why don't people ship my ship?,  but all we might wanna do is limit time on Reddit or Tumblr when in anxiety mode.

The final BIG spectrum used in understanding these autism specific neuro-disconnects is one that revolves around concern for the disconnect:

Does not fully understand all aspects of Emotion and CARES that they don't.

--  vs  --

Does not understand and does NOT CARE.

This disconnect leads to Performative Emotion, which means acting the part of emotional responses without a full understanding of all aspects of them. Sometimes this is good, as in exhibiting quiet displeasure even though I think this warrants screaming because, I don't wholly understand what I or others feel, but I do understand the appropriate  / expected response. It can also be very bad, as in someone who understands the emotional response to pretend to have when a pet dies and is aware that doing so can cover that the pet was killed intentionally by said someone.

The last relevant spectrum isn't one that most people find critical, but I think it's important to delineate this one from the caring aspect. The previous note is specifically about caring in regards to the subjects understanding of emotion--and exclusively their understanding of emotion.

It is not a measure of concern for other respects of life, that spectrum is:

Sympathy   --   vs   --   Empathy

Now, defining terms is important here.

- Sympathy = care for how others feel

- Empathy = understanding / comprehension of how others feel

Someone who self-refers as an 'Empath' is actually expressing a high sympathy response, as in, I understand your pain so well, I feel it myself. What they mean to say, is that they understand the feeling and its causes well, and they care so much that they cause themselves to experience it.

This is also the line between Sociopaths and Psychopaths, as most people know it. The truth is a lot more nuanced, but basically, a Sociopath often lacks Sympathy, but has Empathy, where a Psychopath most often lacks both.

A Sociopath understands that they have a disconnect, cares that they do, and hides it by performing the emotive responses they are aware are appropriate (for the most part, occasionally making some exceptions due to exhaustion with the performance, or a lack of genuine care allowing for selective exploitation--making them great sales people / CEO's / business people / lawyers / writers / con-artists / Sherlockian private detectives etc).

A Psychopath either doesn't understand they have a disconnect, doesn't care that they do, or both. They rarely perform emotions and therefore often draw people in who feel trapped and in need of counter culture. They make great cult leaders, but not much else (occasionally business people, but some of them are cult leaders by a pseudonym). They truly CANNOT conform, and that can be seductive / freeing to others, but they also cannot conceive of anyone who decides to follow them ever changing their mind or not experiencing exactly the same  emotions / emotive responses to stimuli as they do.

BOTH are considered extreme presentations of their respective trait.

People with both very high and very low sympathy get exhausted around others.

Because experience other's emotions or pretending to care about others' emotions is HARD. It's work and it's exhausting on both ends.

People with both very high and very low empathy get anxious in not being around others for prolonged periods.

High-Em usually worries over current states (ie, what if something happened to them or what if they hate me now), whereas Low-Em usually worries over reunions (did I forget something someone else would've remembered, birthday, holiday, or that I was gonna bring you something we discussed).

And, as always, Presentations vary. HUGELY.

But sometimes, being told you're looking at an abstract a picture  of a dog, helps you spot the dog in the ink squiggles.

'Normal' isn't a fixed point, it's a range within every single subject presenting mild deviations that come together to form an average in a single person, and are then averaged again across populations.

Such data can always be understood better. And better understandings allow better accommodations to be made.  

Therefore, a given person's place on any part of any one of these spectrums needs to be assessed and reassessed constantly.

Also, if you're interested in learning more / supporting Autism Advocacy, check out a few more resources, but for the love of god DO NOT give money to Autism Speaks. Take a looks at THIS and do some research of your own! ^_^

Again, this is just a vague baseline, and it doesn't address symptoms like Face Blindness (in ability to recognize people by faces) or stimming (self-stimulation or emotive overwhelm release) or even environmental sensitivity (extreme dislike / like of certain noises, colors, light levels / sources, tactile sensations). Even so, it might be informative enough to start getting a conversation started and it'll be helpful for me to refer back to this one while making other Spectrum related posts.

^_~

For more on what I’m getting up to (and for more timely updates), check me out on Patreon!

[prettywordsyouleft]

The Right Choice - Part 8 (Final)

Summary: You had hoped going to Korea to look after your estranged grandmother would allow you to connect in some way to your mother’s culture. However, being half-Korean and a single mother meant you would face the stigma of a narrow-minded society instead. Had you really made the right choice to come here?

Pairing: Mark Tuan x reader

Genre: single mother au / strangers to lovers au / self-growth / angst / romance

Warnings: open prejudice and stigma over solo parenting

A/N; Although the warnings seem rather negative, this story is one I hope a lot of you will enjoy! I’ve wanted to write this for over eight months now, and I’m glad I finally sat down to do so. It isn’t as dark as it sounds, and nor is it intentionally a dig at Korean culture as a whole.

The Right Choice will be posted daily at 10am NZST.

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

“Emerson!” you called out, looking for your daughter within the bustle.

“Eunjung-ie,” another voice crooned and you followed it, placing your hands on your hips when you found the three year old happily nestled in the older lady’s lap. Your grandmother shot you a smirk, smoothing down your rambunctious daughter’s hair. “Eunjung, Mummy looks a bit stressed out, don’t you think?”

“She does!” the young child agreed, peering up at you with wide eyes. “Why are you so mad, Mummy? Today is special!”

“That’s right!”

You eyed them and let out a huff of air. “Are you both done?”

“Are we done, Grandma?”

“Hm, I don’t know, we could keep going, couldn’t we?”

“Very funny,” you commented dryly as the pair broke out into giggles. “I’m over here worried that she’s going to stain that dress or ruin her hair or I’m not going to look good-”

“You already look beautiful,” your father interjected, kissing your cheek and breaking down for the tenth time so far. “My baby is all grown up!”

“I’m the baby!” Emerson whined and you groaned.

Getting married was supposed to be one the most wonderful days of your life. As you looked at three of the most important people in your life, you couldn’t help but smile.

Today was wonderful.

Even if your Dad couldn’t stop breaking down, which had caused you to retouch your make up at least twice now when you teared up with him. And Emerson had been running around the bridal room all morning long, burning off the endless energy she seemed to always have these days and almost destroyed the hard work of the hairstylist and dressmaker. Then there was the astute woman in her chair, bossing everyone around as if this was her event to organise.

It kind of had been. When you had told your grandmother that you were going to marry Mark, she had insisted on being a part of the entire journey.

“I wasn’t there to see my only daughter get married, I’ll be making sure I see you go down the aisle, Y/N.”

You were thankful for the older woman, despite the headaches that had come with her out-of-date suggestions.

But it would be all worth it. In less than an hour, you would be walking down the aisle to marry the man of your dreams.

Mark had accepted you, your daughter, and your family too. He was who grounded you when you were frazzled and kept you guessing for what was to come. He had easily stepped into the family from the beginning, a solace for your Dad in a land of hard-headed women, a voice of reason when it came to your grandmother and her blunt opinions, and a friend then father figure to Emerson.

Marrying Mark today would be the best thing to happen in your life.

You just had to make it down the aisle first.

“Mummy, are you breathing?”

“Its nerves, Eunjung-ie, Mummy might pass out with how tight that dress is though.”

“If only your mother was here to see you get married today,” your father said with a toot of his nose, fresh tears falling once more.

You closed your own eyes, shutting out everything around you.

The room eventually fell silent and when you had recomposed yourself enough from your panic, you opened your eyes to see only one woman before you.

“Your father is right, if only she was here.”

“I think she is,” you told your grandmother with a watery smile. “Can’t you feel her spirit in the air?”

“She’s within you, I know it.”

“If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today,” you told her, and she shook her head. “I’m serious. Had you not needed me to assist you when you were unwell, I wouldn’t have met Mark or-”

“It’s your mother’s doing,” your grandmother admitted and you frowned. After wrapping your hands over hers, she continued. “I saw her in a dream. She told me enough time had passed by and to stop being so lonely. That she would come to me. And she did. In the form of you.”

“You’re as bad as Dad is at getting me to cry today,” you muttered, blinking rapidly and tilting your head back to avoid ruining your makeup again.

“I love you, Y/N. I love everything about you. Especially your eyes.”

“Mum’s eyes were brown though,” you pointed out and the woman before you nodded, chuckling lightly.

“I wouldn’t change anything about you. Okay, well if you did have her eyes…”

“Grandma!”

She chuckled some more and rubbed at your hands. “Your mother married your father for love. I realised that too late. Watching you fall in love with Mark made me regret a lot. I missed out on seeing that. But I’m so happy my beautiful girl is marrying her Taiwanese fiancé and-”

“You had to throw that out there!”

“I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.”

“You’re lucky I understand your blunt mannerisms now, Grandma.”

“I’m lucky, full stop.” She tapped you on your behind playfully, scooting you towards the exit. “Come, it’s time for Mark to be just as lucky as I am.”

“Mummy, when is the baby coming out?”

Glancing over at your daughter, you then rolled your eyes. “When he’s ready to, apparently.”

“But you were due two days ago,” Emerson said, pointing to the calendar that had been circled with the due date. “Grandma said that because you didn’t listen to her and go to the temple in your first trimester, he’s going to be super stubborn.”

“Must you recite everything that woman says?” you muttered, attempting to rock to the other side of your bottom in hopes it would ease some of the pressure you were feeling down there. Everything ached and you were more than done with being pregnant now.

“Mummy will no doubt bring your brother into the world in the next day or so,” Mark stated and you glared up at your husband who shrugged gently. “Mummy would like him to vacate his home inside of her right now though.”

“Can I go stay with Grandma until he’s here? Mummy’s cranky.”

“Emmie, sweetie,” you breathed, smiling at her. You took your now five year old’s hand and relied on her to help you move. The relief was immediate and you sighed in content.

“Did you just use me!?”

“What are children for,” you grumbled, shooting another look at Mark who seemed to ignore it and scooped Emerson up into his arms.

“Sure, you can go stay with Grandma. Grandpa is over there today helping her set up a praying station for the baby’s delivery.”

“I want to go pray with her!”

“Someone best start praying that this baby gets out soon!” you whined, breathing heavily.

By the time Mark returned from dropping Emerson off at the family home, you were in a better mood. Your son had stopped pressing on the spot in your back that he had been and you had managed to eat something as well.

It was the small things in life, and you would appreciate them all whilst you were this heavily pregnant.

Things over the last few years had been very up and down. You had been successful in setting up the company with your Dad, and then your grandmother’s health waned. Taking time off from work seemed to perk the elder up, having you at her beck and call was her favourite thing, you were certain of it. When you married Mark and moved out, however, things changed again. Your daughter was still besotted with your grandmother, mostly because she spoilt her rotten. It was because she hadn’t done that with you, so she would say, but Emerson had an innate ability to have the woman wrapped around every finger her hand possessed. You had gone back to working and for a while there everything was stable.

Until your morning sickness settled in. Your entire pregnancy with your son was different than with Emerson. At first, your Grandmother had been ill along with you. But when it was found out you were pregnant, she proclaimed she had been dreaming of a new star in the sky for weeks on end before your announcement.

And if she had been bad enough with all her traditions during your wedding preparation, the experience with pregnancy was far worse. You loved her, you truly did, but sometimes you wished to be back overseas and enjoying a more peaceful pregnancy.

“Nothing is dull around here with us,” Mark murmured once he pulled you into his arms, smiling down at you. “If it’s not Emerson, it’s your Grandmother. And if it’s not either of them-”

“Don’t finish that sentence.”

“Your hormones are so unattractive,” he commented, smiling all the same.

“That’s basically informing me that you find me ugly right now.”

“Like I said, like Grandmother, like granddaughter.” Mark dodged your hand that you went to slap him with. “And like great-granddaughter too.”

“Do you wish you married into another family instead?”

“Now what would I do that? Our melting pot is just right.”

You grinned, nestling into your husband’s embrace. As he held you and rubbed at your exhausted body gently, you glanced over at the photo of your mother on the wall. You had a lot to thank her for. The way she had raised you had led you to become a strong-minded and independent woman. You had reached out for goals and you had made a lot of choices over your years.

The right choice was coming to Korea though. Had you not, you would have missed out on reconnecting with a part of yourself, and meeting the man of your dreams.

And whilst you had been sure of your life back in America, your world now was unpredictable, full of chaos, and tumultuous compared. Especially since you were about to give birth to a child that was already as stubborn as all those around you.

Smiling at the photo, you silently thanked the woman before you, and then the man that held you now.

You were ready to see how the rest of your life’s story would pan out.

_________________

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[roxannepolice]

Rocky path of a heroine in a galaxy far far away

Do you have those moments when you have some sort of sensation that you can’t really put your finger on and it keeps nagging at you with its unconceptuability until one day you discover a word that expresses exactly what you’ve been feeling? Like finally finding out the wonder of the word Weltschmerz which suddenly makes your world so much more understandable?

Well, today I had this experience regarding the sequel trilogy when I read this I won’t exactly say great but being definitely a good introduction to the heroine’s journey article and in it saw the word aridity. Oh, yes, isn’t that the word which suits best what it feels like to imagine epix consisting of Rey the maiden of light vanquishing evil Renperor with some straightforward bigger scale pewpewpew in the background. Arid. Infertile. Unproductive. Bringing nothing new into the overall saga. Actually sounding as if it was here only to let the creators shake off the Skywalkers once and for all. Waste of a good heroine.

And aridity is exactly the word used in the article to descibe what for so many is the only obvious way for epix to go. In it are presented following stages of a heroine’s journey, as based on Maureen Murdock’s Woman’s Quest for Wholeness (they are all better descibed in the article, here I give only the desciptions I find most important to the argument):

HEROINE SEPARATES FROM THE FEMININE

IDENTIFICATION WITH THE MASCULINE AND GATHERING OF ALLIES 

ROAD OR TRIALS AND MEETING OGRES AND DRAGONS

EXPERIENCING THE BOON OF SUCCESS by overcoming the obstacles.  This would typically be where the hero’s or “shero’s” (a female protagonist on a hero’s journey) tale ends

HEROINE AWAKENS TO FEELINGS OF SPIRITUAL ARIDITY / DEATH because the new way of life is too limited.  Success in this new way of life is either temporary, illusory, shallow, or requires a betrayal of self over time 

INITIATION AND DESCENT TO THE GODDESS.  The heroine faces a crisis of some sort in which the new way is insufficient and falls into despair.  All of her “masculine” strategies have failed her

HEROINE URGENTLY YEARNS TO RECONNECT WITH THE FEMININE

HEROINE HEALS THE MOTHER/ DAUGHTER SPLIT  

HEROINE HEALS THE WOUNDED MASCULINE WITHIN

HEROINE INTEGRATES THE MASCULINE AND FEMININE to face the world or future with a new understanding of herself and the world/life. Heroine sees through binaries and can interact with a complex world that includes her but is larger than her personal  lifetime or geographical/cultural milie

So, this peaked my interest, considering how only yesterday I was venting out about how I feel there’s something wrong about this trilogy’s doubtlessness, how it doesn’t fit in with the overall symphony. But the prequels were a tragedy, plain and simple, whereas the originals were a hero’s journey. I won’t put here all of Campbell’s hero’s journey stages but basically the hero has more doubts at the beginning (clue in Luke’s I’ll try and You ask the impossibe), then has an apex (facing Palpatine and leading to Anakin’s salvation), followed by overconfidence, “refusal to give up his divinity” (basically creeping up on your nephew at night, reading his mind and igniting a lightsaber because you’re Luke Skywalker) and only recovering peace and purpose when that has been defeated (with an outside help, no less). Tu juxtapose, a heroine has a moment of overconfidence coinciding with what would have been an apex in a hero’s journey, followed by realisation of aridity of her hitherto path and a crisis, leading to healing and reintegration.

What I think is the general belief of the audience - definitely ant*s, but I think also the vast majority who aren’t really against “anything” but just can’t see how “that” could be and a good deal of reylos who read Rey as patiently waiting for her prince to disenchant himself - but more importantly, of Rey herself, is that she has reached her apex, her inner journey is finished, she is now the goddess she was meant to be, saviour of the Resistance and the last Jedi.

And that would be true. If hers was a (s)hero’s journey.

Having the Beast on a leash

There are many great edits paralleling Ben at the end of TLJ with Beast after letting Belle leave the castle, which appears to be point 4 of heroine’s journey. While the separation is important here, the above notion that this stage parallels hero’s apex had me reconsider what is the must, the essence of what happens here. It may sound weird, but I think this is the point where the Beauty “defeats” the Beast, the moment where the power imbalance shifts, where he does what she asks - or is on his knees before her. I think this “defeating” element is the best visible in one of the simplest renditions of BatB, legend of st. Martha and dragon Tarasque that I have a personal sentiment for because I used to resent my first name until I saw a picture of my namesake with a freaking dragon on a leash. There it is heavily underlined that she manages to tame, place in her - or, at least, God’s through her, it is a christian legend - power the beast most valiant heroes couldn’t defeat.

Now, Rey has in fact been in position of power over Kylo Ben twice already in the story - first on Star Killer Base and the second time when she woke up first in the Throne Room - and on both occasions didn’t use that power to finish him. Which is exactly what heroes do in this story but I’ll elaborate on that below. But what is worth noting is that the resident Beast has - or at least hopefully has - a subjective power shift when on his knees on Crait. Whatever he splurted out minutes ago, he now realises he won’t be able to do. Even if he doesn’t understand, he remotely feels his disempowerment.

Journeys  and trope subvertion or why serious reylo duel is actually possible

The fact that the crisis in the heroine’s journey comes after her heroic apex is conceptual expression of the shivers I get whenever I hear Kylo Ben say when the time comes, Rey’ll be the one to turn. Now, it’s tempting to assume he was overconfident and Rey overcame every obstacle but that’s turning a blind eye to the fact that heroine’s crisis is yet to come. As stated, Rey herself thinks she overcame every obstacle but how naive this assessment of facts was is probably best expressed in the smut hut, when she - beautiful as it was - tells Ben it’s not too late for him to turn. Just like Han, she underestimates years of manipulation he’s been through. She’s just been through what should be a sort of nadir for her so if she can go on, he’ll have no problem returning to the light, right? Note, this is something she just believes in, she says that before the force vision.

But again, did she have a nadir? Did she have a moment which challenged all of her previous beliefs the way Luke fidning out Vader is his father did? It’s extremely important Luke finds out in ESB something new whereas Rey is faced with a truth she has been denying. We don’t know how Luke dealt with his vision in the tree on Dagobah, but we know how he reacted to its realisation in action.

Of course, regardless of how hysterical this was, he still did the right thing and epically refused. But he’s shown to accept the fact that Vader is his father and it affects all of his future actions leading to his heroic climax I only later realised how this sounds but I won’t change it.

So, the cave scene. There are quite a few interpretations of what exactly this scene meant. Some intrerpret it as Rey finding out the dark side will give her no answers - which makes little sense as an element of her journey as juxtaposed with Luke on Dagobah. If, however, the cave did give her some answers, either telling her to stop giving f*cks about her parents, making a symbolical expression of their nobodiness or hinting at her future - again, she denies them. When Kylo Ben has her finally face the truth, she seems to take it pretty well - which is good but isn’t good in a heroine’s journey. A journey isn’t from point A to point A, there has to be a percepetion change, the new unerstanding of world/life/self. I bring back the heroine faces a crisis of some sort in which the new (post-apex) way is insufficient and falls into despair.  All of her “masculine” strategies have failed her.

Now, I would prefer to detach Rey’s journey from masculine-feminine categories, mainly because it frustrates me that a woman’s journey should be considered in terms of relative gender ideas rather than more absolute ones. Call it a yin and yang and it definitely has a lot to do with light and dark side. Now, as far Rey’s separation from whatever is concerned, I’m a bit uncertain what to think. Can it be said that TFA and TLJ are about Rey separating herself from her scavenger personality and embracing the jedi knight/resistance saviour one? Which would mean that she’ll later have to reembrace while reinterpreting her tendency to “salvage broken renperors things”? Still, this interpretation is hardly expressed in the movies. Overall, it does make sense, as in TLJ her outward motivation is that of the newly taken title of resident force sensitive on a quest to get Luke Skywalker to save the galaxy the way Reistance knows it’s to be saved. 

Heroines tend to be more dissonant than heroes, though I’d argue it’s mainly due to the fact that their stories tend to be more introspective, character driven, allowing more nuance in their attitudes than the latter, more action oriented (and when I say tend to, I mean tend to, not that it’s a rule). It’s not an inherent trope in heroine’s journey or female literature, though it is bound to the fact that a hero will have his doubts expressed and refuted in the earlier parts of his story. A heroine can feel one way but to the outer world and more importanty, her own consciousness, she’ll frame her motivations in a way more acceptable in the 2-4 stages of her path. So, Christine Daae isn’t fascinated by the mysterious man with a disturbingly sexy voice, she’s taking music lessons. Belle is in Beast’s castle so that her father can be free. Rey only hopes that Ben can be turned because that’s how Luke saved Darth Vader and the galaxy (notice - she aspires to acting like the resident hero, and Luke in the novel and comic repeatedly expresses his fear of how much Rey - a heroine - wants to be him - a hero not that he’s thinking in those latter terms, they’re just deeper implications of structures). Needless to say, Christine wouldn’t be enthusiastic about music lessons with anyone else, Belle starts enjoying her “captivity” without noticing when and Rey has very personal interests in Ben’s brightly illuminated pecs future. 

The crucial mistake that’s so easy to commit while analysing a heroine’s journey is to assume she has all figured out by the stage 4. Again, she would have - if she was a hero. A hero let go from his captor’s castle has triumphed, he has nothing to look back to. A heroine will realise - though doesn’t really realise in the moment she’s leaving, usually due to the fact that she has more urgent matters like a sick father or trapped resistance to attend to - that she’s left her heart there. Matters become even more complicated if she appears to have overcome her ultimate trial before leaving that castle. But again - was that an ultimate trial for her? Was it an actual dilemma in which both choices are equally bad or equally good? No, it was a choice between selfishness and altruism, which is a no brainer for a selfless person, regardless of innocent manipulation used. This can suffice as an auspicious switch for a hitherto morally inferior character, but not the morally superior journeying hero/ine. For the latter, real challenge is a choice between altruism and altruism, marry me and then I’ll save your friends, kill your father and become the hero fanbase half thinks Luke is, slay one person to save thousands. Again, Rey has already faced this last dilemma twice - but never time with immediate pressure of highest stakes. But in the end, it appears the only thing that was challenged in TLJ, prior to the apex of her hero’s path, was her hope for Kylo Ben. Her apparent nadir followed by a climb up is her facing the results of her naive hope in the Throne Room and learning to never do that again, overcoming the flaw of overgenerosity.

Yet if a heroine is to progress, she has to stop being a hero. And Rey's symbolic nadir was the cave, only the actual crisis and climb are yet to come. And Rey hasn't been overgenerous towards Ben, her going to him wasn't out of selfless generosity alone.

So, the three matters to adress while thinking about Rey’s journey in epix are

will her crisis come?

how stubborn will she be about her “new path”?

will heroine’s journey be subverted?

As far as point 1 is concerned - well, if they are doing a heroine’s journey then yes, she’ll have some crisis of her beliefs. Lack thereof is basically the “aridness” viewers feel thinking of lack of some tension within the resistance. The question is, how deep will it be. It could simply be a sort of Amidalaesque “what if the republic has become the very evil we promised to fight?”. The problem is, Rey is quite capable of denial. She’s patient, she can clench her teeth and continue doing what’s right, which is a great quality, most of the time. But when a crisis does come, it will be one of lifelong proportions. The point is, she had no time to properly face her axis mundi having been overthrown and I’m not really sure she wants to face it. And in the end, I don’t think the audience wants her to face it. And yet face it she must for real progress to come.

How does a reylo duel fit into this whole rambling? Well, basically it’s the result of wondering how strong a factor will it take for Rey’s crisis of beliefs to come. Would a person who waited for 15 years for people she knew to have sold her avidly oppose the galactic heroes apparent because of their basic aridity? Or would it take a deeper denial of self over time? Again, I’m considering an actual dilemma situation, right choice vs. right choice, high stakes and immediate action. So... yeah. If right circumstances appear at the right point in Rey’s journey a serious reylo duel, at least on Rey’s part, is a very serious possibility.

Now, it should be argued that dragon slaying is a hero’s job and Rey’s a heroine. But there are two “buts”: first of all, if the duel should happen before the crisis, trigger it actually, then Rey would still be in her “hero stage”. Secondly, and that’s probably the most interesting part, the path has to be subverted. Don’t forget, this IS what happened with Luke, the resident journeying hero of originals. As so many viewers refuse to understand but has been true since the 80s, Luke’s heroic climax lies in throwing  away the lightsaber, in refusing to slay the dragon or even dragon’s evil wizard overlord, against common sense, mentors’ advice and contrary to what he���s been doing for two episodes, one might add. If the hero’s journey is made peaceful, it appears symmetrical for the heroine’s to become aggressive, or at least have an aggressive moment. Because obviously, Luke’s peaceful action still led to hero’s finale where the dragon killed the overlord and then himself burned to release the hero’s boon princess daddy. In the same manner, heroine’s eventual healing and integrating could come despite - or even because of - an aggressive action.

What can poor Beast do ‘xcept to sing for rock’n’roll band?

There’s yet another point to be considered while discussing a heroine’s journey in the form of BatB theme - the Beast’s seperate progress. Now, the question of what will renperor be like is one of the most frequent in the fandom and I dare say JJ will manage to surprise most of us anyway. Personally, I sorta stan a not so bad renperor but  that’s more of Henry Fonda in 12 angry men attitude: everyone is sure he’s guilty but I’m not so I’ll say he’s not guilty and wait to be persuaded. 

However, there is an argument to be made against a really evil renperor based on BatB theme and heroine’s journey - the fact that her post-hero’s apex progress has to involve rejection of her chosen path’s aridity. On a psychological level it takes more complex forms, but in a space opera it’s likelier to be outward. I’m not exactly saying that it’s even most remotely probable that Rey would defect to FO though if that happens I will open a fortune telling business but her eventual life with Ben cannot be as or even more arid than as... ugh... next republic’s (talk about infertility?) jedi hero, vide in prison or exile. Nope, there’s healing and reintegration for her in store, not keeping her two paths separated.

I guess we all agree that if there’s happily ever after but for reylo, it will be because renperor will screw up, not because resistance will be mean. The most basic story would have Ben be depressed and locked up in his tower, but the simultaneously good and bad news is, it’s not an unalterable must. The Beast can f*ck up the story - to his own and Beauty’s detriment and there’s little the latter can do about it. Vide: Phantom of the Opera, focusing on the book. I’m not bringing this up to conjure any what ifs or legitimize and delegitimize ships, but to analyse a BatB version written to end in tragedy. The point is, Erik does in no way alter his behaviour because of Christine after the first time he lets her go. He continues to strangle opera employees and dropping chandeliers when they’re apart - I’m absolutely sure evil renperor would be force dropping chandeliers - and in the end becomes a completely arid option for Christine, even if she does feel compassion for him and has her sexual awakening because of him. It makes an unsatisfying story and leaves Christine an unfulfilled heroine, yet that’s because her “hero” path was still less arid than the continuation of heroine’s, and only on a meta level because of fin de siecle morals. 

Now, the good news is that the above negative example shows passivity isn’t Beast’s obligatory narrative choice, where there’s down, there’s up. I’m far from some sort of dream galaxy saviour visions, but tbh I haven’t been bi*ching for three paragraphs about narrative logic saying epix is to bring moral challenges to pronounce that no morals will be challenged.

Morality that isn't challenged isn't a living messy inner process, only an externalized frozen set of rules called ethics - which can be auxillary in solving uncertain difficult moral dilemmas, but cannot substitute morality. Some change in the Star Wars morals is due and considering the frozen ethics is good rebels-evil empires-one redeemable character, some element has to go, qualitatively change or be added, considering the frozen ethics prequels gave originals was only good republic-evil empire.

So, end of the day, what is to be pronounced that will happen in epix? As always, it’s all speculation that’s a fun way to employ creative powers. TBH, I really think that JJ will surprise almost everyone.

[ravenwarriorviolet]

2017 – The Year of the Goddess Awakening and the Divine Feminine Returning

As the wheel turns and 2017 begins, we will find we are on an entirely different path than the one we traveled in 2016. This is a year that begins a brand new nine-year cycle in your life. It is a time of change and new beginnings as well as a time of hope. 2016 brought a nine-year cycle of your life to an end and with it emotional upheaval and confusion. Those experiences were necessary in the Year of Self Mastery for our spiritual growth. Relationships ended, jobs were completed. We began to look at the world with different eyes.

Now we begin the Year of The Goddess Awakening and the Divine Feminine Returning.  More emphasis must be placed on your role in a spiritual community this year, as we all need to feel we are part of a whole. More focused intention on making a reconnection to the natural world and honoring the original Goddess, the earth mother will bring us back into harmony with ourselves.  We are all urged to create a more satisfying existence by recognizing the new potential that is developing. The dream is stirring and asking to be birthed through us.

Number 1 from a spiritual perspective, is the number of creation, the primal force from which everything begins.  In a number one year we experience a powerful force that produces results and does not allow anything or anyone to limit its potential

If we look at the symbolism of the number 1 it is a spear point, directing and leading us to accomplish our goals and manifest our focused intentions.  The shape of the number 1 stands upright, moving forward with pride and purpose. Strong, determined, unwavering moving towards the light of potential.  A 1 year can turn dreams and ideas into reality.  It pushes obstacles aside if we are true to our heart and unwavering in our faith.  It requires trust in the unknown.

An understanding of nature teaches us how to work with the true magick of a 1 year.  In a number 1 year we can find a renewed sense of courage, we break away from the norm and explore solutions that we have not tried before. We break free of the need to conform and begin to live life the way we were always expected to live life, not the way others expect us to live life.  In a number 1 year you will discover your work and your service must come from the heart.

The sacred feminine begins to emerge within us, expressed as creativity, love, intuition, forgiveness, harmony, beauty, healing and wholeness. The sacred feminine has been suppressed, degraded and devalued far too long. Historically, the oldest human interpretation depicts the divine as a woman, and the original Goddess was expressed as the Earth Mother.

Since women create life, the divine goddess is the metaphor that the earth nourishes our existence as a mother nourishes her child. Being vessels of creation itself, women’s divine power was embraced. The first priests were priestesses and the first medicine men were medicine women. Yet, these goddesses and goddess-oriented traditions have been systematically suppressed over the past thousand years. Most popular religions now record in their scriptures; stories about masculine heroes and saints who were tempted by evil women or goddesses. The Crusades were fought to destroy these ancient traditions and the witches were burned. Women were no longer priestesses and shamans. Instead they were held back, forbidden to enter the very realms of their male counterparts. Those that followed the path of the Dark Madonna kept the tradition of the divine Goddess alive with the mysterious statues of the Black Madonna known to be the image of the Goddess Isis nurturing the solar child Horus.

As goddess traditions were cast into the shadows and called superstitions so were the qualities they represented in Western cultures, love became less important than ambition, intuition less important than logic and strategic planning. The most destructive, the accumulation of goods became more important than family, creativity and respect for the natural world.  Boys were told that there is something wrong with them if they wanted to be dancers or poets. Girls were told that there was no real reason for them to go to school as their purpose was to be mothers and dutiful wives. These cultures dictated the idea that only women should embody feminine qualities, and only men should embody the masculine ones.

There was a tremendous loss to our entire global community as musicians and artists became accountants and lost their ability to bring beauty into the world. (Not that there is anything wrong with accountants. I adore mine and need his expertise to manage my financial world). Brilliant minds settled at working in jobs that diminished their creative potential. Billions of human beings who were not allowed to follow their inner voice, their desire to express themselves from the heart, or the true path of their soul allowed their light to grow dim.

The devaluation of the sacred feminine and the respect for the Earth Goddess and the natural world has created a world of greed, separation, division, destruction and war. We live in an age of technology without wisdom and without love. Our Mother earth has been ravaged almost beyond repair and our food, water, and the very air we breathe hangs in the balance, perilously close to the point of no return.

There is hope, there is a movement happening, an awakening rumbling beneath our cities in our forests and in the great oceans. It is the call of the Goddess… the call for balance and for justice. It is a call to get our priorities straight, with Life itself as the ultimate and highest value on earth. It is a call to bring back the divine feminine.  The sacred feminine can and must be restored to its rightful place, in harmony and balance with the divine masculine on our planet, in our culture, and within ourselves. We need to bring a new awareness and responsibility to every aspect of our lives; how we work, how we play, how we eat, and how we think. We need to stop imagining that we are separate from the earth, and from each other. We need to understand that each one of us, in our own way is more powerful when we join together. Together we can make a difference.

The goddess is alive and well. She is dancing in your heart, speaking in your dreams.  She is awakening within you and you are beginning to remember. The time has come to answer her call. That is the restlessness you feel. That emptiness that you cannot seem to fill. You must step forward with courage. You will need great faith in yourself in order to take action. You will encounter situations where your deepest emotions will continue to come to the surface.

Remember we are entering a new nine-year cycle.  Accept the need for real and significant change. Develop a sense of your own self-worth. Listen and follow your heart. What you do this year will set the course for the next nine years. This should provide all the incentive you need to make your decisions carefully and from the heart.

In a 1year we also master being independent. Attaining independence often brings feelings of isolation and loneliness. Those you thought you could count on may become unavailable to you. Stay flexible and relax into life’s mystery. Your clearest goals and desires may be diverted into unexpected new directions. The only thing you can expect this year is change. One change will lead to another, and then another, transporting you far from where you thought you would be.

Rely on yourself and surround yourself with open-minded people who do not judge and criticize your every move. Have the same consideration for them and keep your opinions to yourself unless you are asked. Know what you want and believe in yourself. If your abilities are lacking in some way, take the time to learn what is necessary to fulfill your intentions and stop making excuses. The more self-accepting you are, the happier you will be. Confidence is a natural feeling that comes when you accept the change as it occurs.

If you do not make changes where they are needed, they will be made for you. Dream big and never give up in this year of new beginnings   Work through your fears instead of denying them. Life is not meant to be a struggle but we can certainly create struggle in our life.   It is meant to be a continuous journey of ever changing moments that evolve through cycles of learning. It is meant to be lived to the fullest.

https://www.whitewolfjourneys.com/special-messages/2017-year-goddess-awakening-divine-feminine-returning/

[zacayas]

the string of fate doesn’t mean a thing

fic dump

this fic is olaya centric, no real zm

summary:  The (Red) String of Fate exists and there are a few in the world who are able to see the strings, being able to alter the soulmate laws. Maya Hart is one of those people. Her soulmate? Lucas Friar. The problem is that Riley Matthews, the one person Maya would destroy the world for, falls for Lucas. Maya decides to step back and by doing so she meets a pro baseball player, Oliver Grayson.

word count: 6,888

Scientists called the string that connects a pair together the "String of Fate". Ever since the day she was born, Maya was one of the few that could see the transparent string connecting one person to the other, the other being their soulmate. She never knew what it was when she was younger, she once asked her mom if she could see it, then she asked her classmates when she was in kindergarten, no one she talked too could see it either.

It wasn't until she was in first grade and they had a class that informed them all about soulmates, how it worked. That from the beginning of time two people's souls were connected. Shamans, elders, chiefs, etc, all had a special "power". They could see the strings, connect soulmates. For many years they'd go to the ones with the sight for guidance. It wasn't until the late 1700s that a scientist by the name of Father Richard Francis - one with the sight - did research, put time into studying people with the sight. It took him years, but eventually he gave those with the sight a name, filum vident visiones operiet, String Seers.

Father Francis called the connection a sort of string, from one person to the other. It's what he called a soulmate, something that had no name before Francis. He spent years doing research about the string, what those who can see it can and can't do. He paid volunteers to do experiments with them and over the years he learned that he had the power to "cut" the strings and "retie" them to others. Once people learned about his research, learned about what they could do, all String Seers became people who could make bank on "retying the strings".

It's been told that you could tell that someone wasn't your soulmate, it was this gut feeling that one had. But as soon as one of the String Seers reconnected your string with the person you feel in love with, the feeling changed. Like all of a sudden there's a new feathery feeling in your stomach that told you everything was meant to be.

Before this, it was never documented that this could be done. As far as anyone knew anyways.

Years later it'd be found out that many cultures already knew about being able to retie the soulmates together and some there's even records of Elders retying strings of those who passed certain trails - not wanting to do it just for anyone, people who didn't truly love those they wanted to be with. Soulmate unbounding was dangerous business.

Maya thought it was a mistake by God Himself that she was picked to be someone who could see the connections.

As she got older, she learned to keep her speciality to herself. It wasn't until she met one Riley Matthews that she felt a connection enough to someone outside her mama to tell about her being able to see the strings, being able to see the connections from one soul to another. The look on little Riley Matthews face gave her a totally different opinion on the gift she had. She was still very self conscious about it.

For years she would see strings upon strings of people, she'd sometimes follow them and see if their soulmate was near them. Sometimes she'd sit in Central Park, sketch out what she saw, the mass mess of strings, people, and the what it all looked like from her minds eye.

She didn't show a single person her sketch book, didn't want people to see the migraine of imagines that she saw.

It wasn't until she was twelve that her life started to become a mess. That was the day that she and Riley met one Lucas Friar. When they set their eyes on the sandy blonde haired Texan that would soon weasel their way into their lives.

She also saw something that made her heart dropped all the way to her stomach. She saw a string that connected her to the boy sitting on the subway bench. But that wasn't what made her heart drop into her stomach, it was the look her best friend's face when she laid her eyes on the boy. That was the look of love. Maya only saw it one her mama's face once but she knew clear as day that it was love, even at the young tender age of four.

Maya doesn't like talking about her mama and her dad, it hurt too much.

The story was too brutal.

But for all the heartache Maya saw, out side of her mother, the one person she'd never want to go through that would be Riley Matthews. Riley, no matter what, would have the perfect life. A life filled with love and happiness, all the adventures and happy endings she wanted. So when she saw that look on the brunettes face, she did the only thing Maya Hart would do in that situation, help her friend get the guy.

And she continued to do just that.

All well trying her hardest to keep an arms length away from the Hur-Hur Huckleberry Moral Compass.

You always had a special pull toward your soulmate, though their was no real scientific proof, there was a heavy hypothesis that it was true. (Farkle read all the research on The String of Fate.)

It wasn't the easiest thing to do either. The guy was always there, around, making his way into their group of friends so easily she couldn't help to feel something for him.

She would never tell a soul.

As time went on, they got older. Eventually, during their sophomore year of high school, Lucas and Riley decided to give themselves a real short. They both knew they weren't each other's soulmates, they could feel it.

"It's like this ache in my stomach," Riley once told Maya in the bay window. "I know I love him, I want to be with her, but I feel like there's this part missing." She had tears in her eyes when said, "it's killing me, Maya."

What was killing the blonde is that she couldn't tell her that she was Lucas's soulmate.

It was her dirty little secret.

A secret a soul would never know.

But Maya was strong, she never gave into the pull she felt towards Lucas, instead putting her time an any romantic energy she had towards dating other guys. Her first boyfriend was a boy in her art class named Roberto. She knew him from her neighborhood, they hit it off, he was a great kisser, but there was no real spark. Next came Riley's Uncle Josh, there was a spark. He was her first serious boyfriend, they dated for two years before they mutual called it quiets. They grew out of love, out of their relationship, but were fortunate enough to be able to stay friends.

"I'd be stupid to let a person like you out of my life, Maya Hart," he told her on the day they broke up.

A month later she helped him find his soulmate, a girl named Elizabeth. They were perfect. She had to do it discretely, Josh not knowing she was a String Seer - something she still kept way down inside, locked away with her dancing ballerinas.

Then came Zac Friar, Lucas's older brother. She felt this pull to him that she felt with Lucas. It wasn't as strong, as magical, but it was there. He made her feel like she was floating on air. He got her humor, gave her shit as much as she gave him, let her roam free and never made her feel claustrophobic. He was as much as a moral compass as Lucas, only with a pair of glasses and a camera.

They bounded over their love of their respective art.

She was eighteen when they started dating, just starting college, both getting accepted into NYU Tisch School of Arts. She found out after four months of dating that he's had a crush on her since they day he laid eyes on her. (She was 13 when she first met him.) She gave him crap about that for the next two months.

There would be times when she was with Zac that she thought about retying them together, making them soulmates. But then she'd stare at his string, that metaphorical string attached to his chest, and follow it out of their apartment and wonder who the lucky person was that was on the other end of it. In her gut she knew she could never do that to him, that they weren't going to last.

Of course she's dated guys in between all her boyfriends, but none of them were ever serious enough for her to warrant actually starting something were she'd honor them with the chance to get to know her on a deeper emotional level.

Throughout this, Maya and Riley were still the best of friends. Maya watched as Riley had her heart broken as she and Lucas broke up after graduation, both going to different schools and deciding long distance wasn't the way to go. (They remained friends at least.) She watched as Riley dated boy and girl, falling in love but never having that same look in her eye she had with Lucas.

She ached for her best friend. She knew that Riley was always comparing them to her first boyfriend, first kiss, first love.

Not that she could blame her.

It was a year after they graduated that Maya and Lucas had one night. They were both single, Zac and Maya breaking up their junior year of college, the older Friar going off to study abroad in England, staying with some family up there. Lucas apparently hasn't had a girlfriend - or boyfriend - for a couple of years. They met up in a bar in New York and the next morning, Maya found her self waking in his small apartment.

When she glanced to her side, she saw him laying there, sleeping peacefully. His chest would rise and fall slowly. The string that floated from her chest to his glowed a sort of red color. It's something she only saw with the Matthews, Josh and Elizabeth, Farkle and Isadora. It's what happens when both parties feel something, when they kiss, hold hands... have sex.

But as she looked at him all she could thing about was Riley.

As soon as Lucas moved back, he quickly weaseled his way back into their lives. But both he and Riley decided against starting up their relationship again. They may have kept in touch of the years but they were both still different people, they had to reintroduce themselves to each other. But Maya knew it was going to happen eventually, the Golden Couple getting together again.

The glowing red color made her sick.

Sick enough that she got up and ran to the bathroom to get rid of whatever was in her stomach.

She shortly left after that, no goodbye note, no text, nothing was there to let Lucas know she'd gone or why.

As Maya ascended the stairs of her apartment, she ran into something... someone. "Jesus! Watch it!" She had a throbbing hangover and a guilt complex to deal with, she didn't need people bothering her too.

The person just laughed, the sound ringing inside her head like a giant gong. "I'm pretty sure you ran into me." She took a step back and looked up, craning her neck to have her eyes fall on a tall man, brunette with piercing blue eyes. As her eyes traveled down the next thing she noticed was how well he fitted in his shirt.

"Yeah, whatever," it came out a grumble as she shoved past him to continue on her trek to her home. All she wanted was to take some Advil and sleep the day away.

"Okay," the guy sounded amused, she could practically hear the smile in his voice as she walked away from him. "Nice seeing you neighbor." If she wasn't so worried about her own self, that sentence might have thrown her off. Instead she continued on her way to her apartment, not even noticing the receding sound of his feet down the path she just took, opening her door. She had never been happier in her life to be in her dinky apartment, filled with hardly anything at all.

As she quickly made it to her bed, she fell like a rock, falling asleep the fast she ever had.

The next day was quite an awkward one. First she had Riley burst through her door at the wee breaking hours of morning, her voice as always, bubbly and an excited. It only took ten minutes for the night before to flash in her mind, the guilt once again making her chest tighten, large claw gripped around her heart as she looked upon the face of the one person she never, ever wanted to upset.

Whatever excited mood Riley was in though worked to her advantage, she never once picked up on that Maya was feeling out of sorts.

If she did, she'd just blame it on the massive hangover she'd be nursing the rest of the day.

Riley than later dragged her out of the house to go get coffee with none other than Lucas Friar. To say the atmosphere was awkward would be an understatement. She couldn't look him in the eye, not without watching to hurl, run away, or both at the same time. There was a third feeling she had but she'd rather not even think about what it was, give a real name or a train of thought. She already felt terrible enough, she didn't need to add that train of thought to the list of reasons to feel like shit.

It seemed like Lucas was having a hard time looking at Maya himself. Any time their eyes did connect, they both would look away quickly.

Riley would have to be blind not to see the extreme awkward tension in the coffee house.

When it became too much for Maya, she told them she needed to get another coffee just to get away. She knew she couldn't just walk out. One, Riley was her ride, and two it'd would just put more emphasis on the situation. She already felt like she was suffocating, she didn't need to add another reason.

It's as she got to the line that she looked back to them, it seemed as soon as she left the tense atmosphere that was making everything awkward seemed to disappear. She watched as Riley threw her head back, laughing at something Huckleberry said, something stupid probably. Something only Riley would find funny, probably about his Grandpa Pappy and a sheep and helping give birth or something.

It made her stomach turn.

She was knocked out of her thoughts however when she heard a voice she vaguely remembers. From where, she couldn't quite place.

"Hey, neighbor." She turned her head to see a tall man, brunette with piercing blue eyes. It reminded her of Zac's eyes a little bit. They didn't twinkle like the other Friar's but they seemed as if they could see right through her.

She narrowed her eyes, "Hi?" She let her eyes travel down his body, noticing that he filled out his clothes nicely. Nothing too tight but just enough to show he definitely was toned. But that wasn't what really grabbed her attention, it was the fact that she couldn't see any sort of string attached to his chest.

It's been rumored that there were people out there that were born without a string. It was theorized that it could because they're soulmate was born before them and died, that they're soulmate wasn't born yet. Some hypothesized that they were missing whatever gene it was that people where born with to give that special connection. (Farkle bored her to death about it once, weirdly enough it stuck with her.)

Some people think it's because whoever it was that didn't have a soul string was aromatic or asexual, but Maya met a few of aros and aces in college and they were connected to someone, they had the string just like everyone else. The few she met were lucky that their partners excepted them for what they were, the aromatics ended up getting a platonic soulmate for like (like Riley was to her) and the asexuals she met were lucky to be matched with someone who wouldn't pressure them to have sex with them. They were respected.

Though it could be that some people could be lucky, having no string and being aromatic or asexual. Maybe both?

Maya's eyes flicked back up to his face, he was smiling bemused at her. An expression saying like he knew what she just saw. But there was no way. On average there was one out of ever thousand who could see strings, that's why most of them went into some sort of profession that, in the end, help those around them find matches, guide them to where they needed to go.

She shook her head, "Do you want something?" she asked after seconds of silence, starting to feel uncomfortable with how he was just looking at her.

He shook his head and just smiled at her. There was this glint in his eye like he knew a little secret. She didn't know who he was but he was already getting under skin and irritating her. There was only one other person that made her feel that way. And honestly, that just made her that much more irritated.

"Okay." She let out a huff, "Well if there's nothing else, asshole, I'm just gonna -" she gestured to the line and turned back to it, ignoring the laugh that came from him.

She already disliked this guy.

She also hated that the sound of his laugh made her heart jump a bit. She did not need that. Stupid boys and irritating her and sounding cute and shit. She barely knew this guy but she wanted to punch him.

"Why do you always admit you have crushes through acts of violence," Riley had asked her once. "Because I don't know how to do feelings Riles," was her reply back. It was a good explanation but it was the truth.

"Oliver," came his voice again, making her look at him once again her eyebrow raised. "My name's Oliver."

At that moment she felt eyes on her and a voice that made her heart drop to her chest. "Grayson!" Oliver, if that was actually his name, looked over to her table and held up a hand.

"What's up, Friar?" Of course. Just her luck.

Oliver gave her one more smile, one that looked closer to a smirk, and then moved to were Riley and Lucas were sitting. She stood there, eyes trained on the three of them until she was bumped to move forward in the line. There was this dreadful feeling turning at the pit of her stomach, warning her that her mess of a life was just about to become messier. She wasn't happy about it at all.

She eventually returned, a new cup of coffee in her hand, and watched as the other three got to talking. She learned that Oliver Grayson, or Ollie as Lucas called him, went to the same college as their resident cowboy. They were both on the baseball team - apparently Oliver was good at a lot of sports, being offered scholarships for more than just one sport before he decided on going to TCU (Texas Christian University). They were also roommates during their last three years of college, becoming good friends.

"I've mentioned him before," Lucas said, directing it at Maya as she continued to look suspicious of the whole situation before her. She gave him a look, eyebrow raised. "Right. Of course you don't remember."

The rest of the coffee "date" went by smoothly after that. Thanks to Ollie Grayson, the awkward and tense atmosphere that was there before seemed to just disappear. Or at least, it loosened up enough that Maya didn't feel like she was about to drown from it.

Even with that however, she was never more happy to be able to leave when the time came, practically dragging Riley out of the cafe. The whole ride back to her apartment, Riley would ask non stop questions on why she was acting off, why booked it out of there so fast, why this look of dread still hasn't left her face. Maya didn't answer a single question, her mind working into overdrive, all the words coming from her friend going in one ear and leaving out the other without leaving so much as an imprint on her brain.

She was distracted with thinking about Oliver Grayson and not having a string, about the fact that her soulmate was her best friend's first everything, the fact that the night before she had a great night with said soulmate even though she knew her best friend would do anything to have another shot with him. She never even had to say anything, Maya could just see it on her face. Just from the way she looked at Lucas when she thinks he's not looking.

She knew Lucas wanted to start it up too. He looked at Riley the same way when he thought the brunette wasn't looking.

It was honestly torture watching the two of them dance around each other again.

As soon as she got back home, she made the trek back up the stairs hoping to be able to drown out the thoughts swarming around her brain with as much alcohol as she can.

It works.

The next week... month... year... two years... she spends pushing the guilt of her one night with Lucas as she watches Riley and Lucas slowly find their way back to each other. She also tries to push down the feeling of disgust and jealously, which makes the feeling of disgust amply, mostly at herself. She wanted nothing more than to not feel the way she did toward them, it was just hard.

During that time, she also learned more about one Oliver Grayson. He was still pretty good at sports, apparently spending a lot of his free time playing basketball at some YMCA and hitting up the batting cages with Lucas every now and again. After college he was drafted by the Chicago Cubs, something that he apparently wanted since he was two. Ollie had this way of making her feel ten years younger, mentioning things that made her remember her high school rebellion years. He was able to make her a laugh over the stupidest things, he was able to just be there, sometimes to just listen, sometimes to help distract her from her thoughts, sometimes just giving her comfort with his presence, not doing anything.

The two Facetimed more than she would want to admit.

They got so close, maybe people seemed to think they were a couple. Even Riley was confused about their status. They'd spend the night over in each other's apartments even though they lived right across the whole from each other, they'd meet for lunch during Oliver's work breaks, they'd spend whole days together enjoying good weather or going out shopping, he'd cook her dinner, she'd let him see her journal. She eventually ended up opening to him about being able to strings. She remembered the look on his face when she said that, not one that she was always terrified to see, the one of "you can help me find my soulmate," but it was one of knowing that she just trusted him with one of her darkest secrets.

They even shared childhood stories. He learned about how her mom and dad weren't soulmates but they feel in love and had her. How her parents were going to get retied to be soulmates but something happened, something her mother never told her until she was fifteen. For a long time Katy Hart thought they were soulmates until the day Kermit Clutterbucket walked out of their lives to be with his soulmate he was born too. Katy never knew until then, but he changed his mind and told the priest not to go through with it.

Oliver filled her in that his parents weren't soulmates either. But they feel in love, where still in love to this day, and he thought it was beautiful. He admits that he had a pretty privileged life, he had a twin sister, a dog named Shiloh and a cat named Cheddar (his sister apparently named the cat). He was blessed with being a good enough athlete to be able to get a scholarship, graduated with a degree in business. His parents wanted him to be some sort of doctor but Oliver Grayson wanted to be the world's greatest baseball player.

A lot of Sports Channels (not that Maya watched) said that he was definitely headed that way.

It wasn't until that she watched Lucas pop the question that Ollie said something to her that shook her to her very core. They were both in her apartment, she was sketching something for a children's book she was hired for and he was cooking them dinner. As he finished putting the food on the plates and sitting down, he looked her straight in the eye as the question fell off his lips.

"Why haven't you ever told them Lucas is your soulmate?" She felt the fork slip out of her hand, clatter against the plate, as she looked at him.

She blinked, opening and closing her mouth, looking like a fish out of water.

After she slowly felt anger start to boil inside her.

"I can't imagine having to watch my soulmate end up with someone, especially when you feel something for them." The more she heard him spoke, the more infuriated she got about this situation. He had no right to ask her about that. Not telling either of them wasn't hurting anyone but her and she was handling it just fine.

Well, as fine as one could.

He started digging into his food, as if the conversation they were happening was like talking about the weather. "I mean, I don't know if you notice this, but if looks could talk, they would have known years ago that you were suffering." He took another bite, acting so nonchalant that she wanted to hit him. "Who knows, maybe even Lucas would want to be with you." His left shoulder lifted up in a small shrug.

That had to be a joke.

"How do you know that Lucas is my soulmate," she was able to eventual spite out, glaring at him.

He shrugged again, eating another fork full of food. He reached for his drink but Maya slapped her hand down on his, her eyes narrowing more. "How. Do. You. Know." She was not in the mood for one of Oliver's games, not with talking about something so important as her soulmate.

Ollie looked down at their hands, slowly pulling hand out from under heres and leaning back in his chair. He didn't say anything for a long time, just stared at her. Her instincts told her she knew exactly how she knew, it was the same way she knew, but she didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to believe that after she told him about her ability he wouldn't share that he was able to see them too. See her's connected to Lucas and not some random that none of them knew. She didn't want to believe that he sat their for a year and just watched her suffer, not even trying to offer any sort of help or guidance on what to do.

Until now.

Eventually he spoke, leaning forward and placing his elbows on her table. "How else would I know Maya? Besides actually paying attention to you." He said it in a way that said he knew he shouldn't have kept it to himself, in this grim serious tone. "I'm a String Seer." He let out a sigh, looking down at his plate.

"What the hell, Ollie?" He looked back up at her, "I told you I could see the strings and you never thought to mention you can see them too?"

"I know."

"No! No, you don't." She ran a hand through her hair, the anger gripping her heart, making her see red. "Telling people that I can see the strings isn't easy for me, y'know! I have to really trust you to tell you, you have to mean something to me and you just... you just left one of the biggest part of you out?"

That made his eyes snap up. He looked her and she has to say she's never seen his eyes so dark before. Looking like the deepest pits of the ocean. "That isn't the biggest part of me." The sentence came out behind gritted teeth. Seeing him mad, it did something to her.

For one, it cooled her down, her anger residing a bit.

"It's just some talent I have, like being able to hit five homers in one inning or singing." He picked his fork back up, "Besides, you never told me that Lucas was your soulmate and the whole while we've been..." he trailed off, not even sure what to say.

She felt her heart jump.

It's done it before when she was watching one of those sports channels she says she doesn't watch, watching an interview of Ollie and someone asking if there was some special person in his life. He looked straight into the camera, winked and said "There might be a heart out there that I'd like to have the key too." It was stupid and cheesy but she knew it was about her. She gave him crap about it for the next three weeks. All he did was smile at her, throw an arm around her, and let her drag him the mud with insults and jabs.

However, all that did was bring the fight back in her. "We'll we've been what?" She raised her eyebrows, watching him to throw out a label, something, to help her justify more of the anger she felt. "You knew the whole time so what does it matter? And it's not like you'd understand, you have no string!" He flinched. Good.

He licked his lips and nodded but said nothing else.

The rest of the night went by slowly, like a ticking time bomb, filled with silence expect for the sound of Oliver cleaning up his mess. At the end he left without saying a word to her, closing the door behind him quietly.

The next time she saw him they were at Lucas and Riley's wedding reception. Or whatever it was called, at this point Maya was just going through the motions of being the maid of honor, practicing speeches, smiling, dancing with Zay - the only man Lucas would pick as his best man. But through it all, her eyes would land on Oliver, more than once, and her heart would ache. She wished she could be over there with him, talking, joking, enjoying his presence.

Riley has asked her more than once happened between them but she never said.

Whatever it was, it apparently seemed to be effecting his game because ESPN was talking about Grayson had seemed to have lost his edge.

At the end of the night, she got cornered by the newly bride to be, a question in her eyes. Maya could only assume of what it was.

"Could you..." Riley trailed off, looking at her feet. "Could you retie me and Lucas together?" She should have seen it coming, her best friend was getting to married to someone that wasn't actually her soulmate. But she didn't, there was a priest that could do it, the one that was marrying them, why would she ask Maya to do it? "I know we could have Father Rosewood do it but... you're my best friend. It'd mean more to me if you did it." The tall brunettes eyes were pleading her and how was she supposed to say no to that.

Her eyes flicked back the tall girls shoulders to see Oliver watching them, a glass in his hand. He didn't take his eyes off them as he took a sip. She flicked her eyes down to his chest, the chest without a soulmate and wondered what that was like for Oliver. How many people had he fallen for that had a soulmate of their own, how many people did he fall for that he knew he wasn't going to be able to be with. He couldn't even retie himself to someone, there was no string once so ever floating out of his chest.

"Yeah," Maya said finally, turning her eyes back to Riley.

Next thing she knew, she was going through some sort of class or training with Father Rosewood on how to undo and retie soulmates. He never said anything to her about the fact that her soulmate was the groom about to be married, just looked at her with knowing eyes.

The day of the wedding, there was one big ceremony after the couple said their "I Do's" were Maya retied them together. There was a warning from the Father about how it'll feel like a small pinch after they were cut from their soulmates of birth before they were retied together - which would bring another pinch, a more intense one. As she "snipped" the string attached between her and Lucas, she wasn't sure what she was expecting it was the searing pain that inflamed her whole body. She was almost knocked back on her feet when a pair of hands flew up to catch her. She knew those hands, they belonged to Oliver.

Lucas staggered a little himself but it didn't seem to have the same effect on him as it did her. It could have to do with how much he wanted to be Riley's soulmate, but she'll - they'll - never know.

Riley looked at her with concern but Father Rosewood covered for her, saying that it's what happens when a seerer cuts a string for the first time. Maya mouthed a thank you to him, knowing that he was doing her a solid with that.

Oliver kept his hand on her back as she snipped Riley's string and went back to retie her to Lucas. At that both Riley and Lucas stumbled a bit but there was a look on both their faces, like whatever feeling they were missing when it came to each other was finally there.

But as Lucas hugged Riley, he looked over at Maya with this look in his eyes. Like he knew what the blonde just gave up. She turned away from them, finding Ollie's hand and making him stand next to her as they finished the ceremony.

Later, he found her sitting outside on their apartment roof, a large bottle of Vodka in hand. He pointed to the spot next to her with an eyebrow raise, "This seat taken?" She shook her head not looking at him as she took another swig of her drink. She doesn't get why this effected her as much as it did, the loose of her soulmate to another. She knew that she lost him a long time ago, but as she stared at her chest, her limp string dangling, it became that much real.

"He knew, you know?" She looked over at him with an eyebrow raised. "Lucas. He knew. After your guys'..." he trailed off but she knew what he was implying. "I don't if knowing helps you but he knew and was willing to try but he had this feeling you weren't." There was a pause and he could feel his eyes on her, "And there was-"

"Riley." She spat before taking another large sip.

She felt disgusted.

She could have said no, she didn't have to do it, but she knew they were be retied together with or without her help. She was disgusted because there was still a part of her that is always going to wonder "what if". Something that's not fair to anyone. Lucas, Riley, herself... Oliver.

"Yeah."

They stayed there, not saying anything for a long while. Just watching the city turn to dark as the sun went down. Before she knew it, she was waking up in a bed, the smell of french toast filling her nostrils. "What the-" she stretched and got up, following the smell of food. It took a while for her to register that she was in Oliver's apartment. "Um..." she looked at him, standing in his kitchen with a shirt off, cooking breakfast, her heart hammering in her chest. Biting her lower lip, she thought of what to say but nothing was really coming to mind.

He turned around and jumped back slightly. "Oh. Hey." He smiled at her, scooping eggs from pan to plate. "I made breakfast."

Nodding she finally was able to speak, "Yeah, I see that." Her eyes scanned the food but they quickly found their way to his torso once again. The whole two years she's known him, the feeling that was washing over her wasn't one that she ever real felt toward him. Toward anyone. And she's seen him shirtless plenty of times.

To anyone except Lucas. Except when it came to Lucas.

Sure she's had sex without other guys, but she never really came out really satisfied. She also never felt the need to jump their bones.

Not how she felt right now.

Not how she felt with Lucas.

"Oh fuck it," Oliver looked up, eyebrow raised, and she walked around his counter, hands grabbing his face pulling him down to her level, lips missing lips. She heard the pan that was in his hand clatter to the ground but she didn't care, she only had one thing that she wanted to happen, and as his arms wrapped around his waist, she knew that he was getting the hint of what it was she wanted. She jumped up, wrapping her legs around him and with ease she caught her, hands gripping his thighs as he moved back to the room she just appeared from.

They ended up staying in that room for half the day, Maya ended up feeling more satisfied then she ever has been. All thoughts left her mind, it was all feeling.

Later, when they laid in bed, both staring at the ceiling, she would smile at the fact that for the first time she got it. Love, that complete feeling you got with being with someone that meant something to you. No string needed to tell her that Oliver was the one.

She looked over at him to see he was staring at her. She raised an eyebrow. Five words came out of his mouth, making her laugh. "Our breakfast is probably could."

"Yeah, probably," she shrugged, leaning forward to capture his lips with hers.

They've kissed before, of course they have. They weren't soulmates, but they had an attraction to each other after two years that attraction was bound to turn to something. They've been something for a while but they've never took the next step.

It was later that night, when they were both sitting on his couch watching some shitty Sci-Fi movie that she brought up their ability to see the strings. Or at least, bring up his ability. With all the activity of yesterday and what happened this morning, she never once thought to think about what caused them to have their little break. "Why did you never mention about being able to see the strings?"

He looked down at her, a sober look on his face. It was as if he was expecting this question to come. "I don't really know," she could tell he was telling the truth. The reason was even foreign to him. "I've never even told my parents." That took her surprise, "They knew I was born without one and were always tip toeing around me as it was. It always felt weird that I was able to see the strings but I never hand one, no soulmate to connect too." He looked back at the TV, the seriousness that was radiating off him set her on a sort of unease. He was hardly ever like this, usually the life of the party, but he was staring at the TV, not really watching it, his sober expression never leaving his face.

She didn't say anything but lean forward and planted a kiss on his cheek. "Who needs a soulmate when you have me?"

He let out a low chuckle, looking down at her.

It was honestly hard to believe almost twenty-six hours ago Maya Hart had a soulmate, one that she gave up to her best friend, and was no sitting on her neighbors couch acting as if they were always been together.

[ouraidengray4]

Why You Should Totally Attend Your High School Reunion

I’m on the brink of my ten-year high school reunion, and all sorts of scary questions have started popping up. Have I accomplished enough with my life to show my face? Do I really want to put myself in the position of having to relive those awkward high school years again? Am I even interested in seeing all those people from my past? How am I going to feel if half of them don’t even remember me?

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And the big one: Should I go?

Thinking about attending my own high school reunion necessarily calls to mind every single movie I’ve ever seen that features a reunion, and there are quite a few. Grosse Pointe Blank, Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, American Reunion, Zack and Miri Make a Porno… even the fake trailer imagining a live-action Daria film, the one starring Aubrey Plaza that CollegeHumor.com released a couple years ago.

Two of my favorites are Grosse Pointe and Romy and Michele, released just two weeks apart in 1997, a year that also produced the famous, fictional commencement speech published by Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich. (You might remember it better as "Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen)," a spoken word remix by Baz Luhrmann.)

"Wear sunscreen," Schmich writes. "If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience."

The sunscreen tip isn't insincere, but it is a little tongue-in-cheek. However, the rest of her advice, like about enjoying the power and beauty of your youth, doing one thing every day that scares you, not wasting your time on jealousy… these are lessons we can all live by. But advice can only really emerge from collecting strange life experiences, then passing the knowledge gleaned from them onto a new audience, which can hopefully benefit—self-indulgent and maybe only potentially relevant though it may be.

Reunions offer an opportunity to check in, review, and assess whether we’ve turned into potentially legitimate advice-givers ourselves. Where are we in life? Is this where we wanted to be… and do the wishes of our younger selves even really matter? What advice would we even offer a youthful version of ourselves?

More than any other "milestone" event in life—graduations, weddings, and funerals—we don’t really go to other people’s reunions. Half the time, people don’t even show up to their own. So we collectively look to film for answers about what they’ll be like... and of course, in Movieland, the event usually looks like Prom: Part Two.

If you’re thinking about attending your own reunion and you haven’t seen Grosse Pointe and Romy and Michele, watch them. Trust me. One may be about a listless assassin returning to his small hometown and the other about two Valley girls who pretend to be successful in an attempt to impress the former popular kids. Of course, indulging in a little fantasy is part of the process; Romy and Michele win "Most Changed for the Better Since High School" medals in an elaborate dream sequence, while Grosse Pointe culminates in a fight to the death between hitmen. Who hasn’t wanted to settle old scores in the hallways of high school? But both films are, at their core, about reconciling our lives with our concepts of self, either moving away from who we’ve become or making peace with who we’ve always been.

Reunions offer an opportunity to check in, review, and assess whether we’ve turned into potentially legitimate advice-givers ourselves.

In my own life, I’m experiencing both. I wasn’t unpopular in high school, but I definitely didn’t fit in, instead absorbed in movies, TV, and pop culture. I was torn between not wanting to attend high school at all while simultaneously wanting to be accepted by my classmates. When I graduated, I didn’t keep in touch with many people outside a few friends, and focused on building a career. Now, a decade later, I find myself writing professionally about film and television, which is what I really always wanted… but to my surprise, I’ve also been interested in reconnecting with those people from my past. I can’t look back at my life without considering them.

Of the rest of Schmich’s advice, the things that I got right include holding onto old friends, being self-sufficient, respecting my elders. From time to time, I sing. I dance. I stretch. I read the directions but rarely follow them. What I’m still struggling with: forgetting insults people have told me; not worrying about the future; not constantly comparing my life to others’ (of course, Schmich’s essay never predicted social media); not getting to better know my grandmother before she passed away earlier this year. She was 90 years old, which meant that when I graduated high school, she was 80. I should’ve realized back then how little time we really had left.

When we’re too focused on building incomes and new relationships, we sometimes take for granted the people we already have in our lives. We assume that because they’ve been there from the beginning, they’ll be around forever. It was a hard lesson for me to learn that I need to make more memories with the people who are important in my life. I know that now, looking back.

"Advice is a form of nostalgia," Schmich admits. "Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it’s worth."

I’ll add to that questionable pile of recycling: Do it. Go to your high school reunion.

Own the plot of your own story; be an active protagonist. The only reason we’re able to look back on high school, for better or worse, is because we all bothered to show up in the first place. This article, that essay, those movies—they’re about people reflecting on and learning from the past. Go to the reunion so you can see how far you’ve come. Yeah, yeah; this may be sentimental and hokey, but that’s high school. Or as Schmich would say, "Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself."

James Charisma is an award-winning writer and editor in Honolulu, specializing in stories about entertainment, pop culture, and the arts. His work has appeared in Playboy, VICE, Complex, Paste, Hi-Fructose, Hyperallergic, Thrillist, Inverse, Knockout, Where, Whitehot, and other publications. Follow him on Instagram @jcharisma and Twitter @charismaind.

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