#this took me several hours to compile so please give it a reblog

[slyandthefamilybook]

A NON-EXHAUSTIVE BUT NEVERTHELESS EXHAUSTING LIST OF NEO-NAZI AND WHITE SUPREMACIST DOGWHISTLES

since some of y'all apparently need a refresher course. as always, use your judement when deciding if it's a dogwhistle or just innocent usage of a number or symbol

NUMBERS

100% - 100 percent white

109 or 110 - A reference to the 109 countries that have expelled, in whole or in part, their Jewish populations. 110 refers to the hope that more countries will do so, usually specifically the United States. Often posted on its own as a reply, or phrased as a question (e.g. "If you were kicked out of 109 bars it's probably our fault")

1290 - A reference to the Edict of Expulsion of 1290, which expelled the Jewish population of England

13/50 or 13/52 or 13/90 - The supposed statistic that Black Americans make up 13% of the population yet commit 50% or 52% of violent crime, or 90% of interracial violence. Often posted on its own as a reply

14 - The Fourteen Words, a Neo-Nazi slogan

14/23 - A number representing the Southern Brotherhood, an Alabama prison gang

1488 - A combination of the Fourteen Words and Heil Hitler

C18 - Combat 18, a British neo-Nazi group

18 - The letters A (1) and H (8), standing for Adolf Hitler

21-2-12 - The Letters U (21), B (2), and 12 (L), standing for Union, Brotherhood, and Loyalty, the slogan of the Unforgiven, a Florida prison gang

23 - Often thrown up as a hand sign, with two fingers raised on one hand and three fingers raised on the other. Represents the letter W (23), standing for white

271,000 - A reference to the supposed fact that the Red Cross claimed only 271,000 people had been murdered in concentration camps. In reality, that number reported by the Red Cross only came from reports from 13 concentration camps (there were 23 main camps, plus a large number of smaller "satellite" camps)

88 - H (8) H (8), standing for Heil Hitler

9% - A number representing the percentage of the world's population that is white

SYMBOLS

((( ))) - Triple parentheses, or echo. Used by neo-Nazis to call out someone as Jewish

Iron Cross - A German military decoration

Sonnenrad (Sun Wheel)

Reichsadler (Imperial Eagle) - A blocky, art-deco eagle facing to the side. Variants exist, some facing right, some facing left. The Parteiadler (Party Eagle) has a slightly different design. The Reichsadler is usually clutching a wreath with a swastika, although this is sometimes left out to maintain plausible deniability

Totenkopf (Death's Head) - A symbol used by the SS

Wolfsangel (Wolf's Hook) - Used as the insignia of various Wermacht (Nazi Military) divisions

Wolfsangel (horizontal)

Odal Rune - From the Proto-Germanic "Othala" meaning heritage

Algiz Rune - A symbol used by German nationalists

Celtic Cross

"Broken Sun" Cross

Arrow Cross - A Hungarian nationalist party that was active from 1935-1945. The symbol has been re-appropriated by modern neo-Nazis

Valknot

EMOJI

🤑 Greedy Face Emoji - Used to refer to "greedy Jews"

💰 Money Bag Emoji - Used to refer to "greedy Jews"

🥸 Disguised Emoji - Used to refer to Jews because of the enlarged nose

🤥 Lying Emoji - Used to refer to Jews because of the enlarged nose

👃 Nose Emoji - Used to refer to Jews

🙋‍♂️ Raising Hand Emoji - Used for its resemblance to the Sieg Heil salute

✋ Raised Hand Emoji - Used for its resemblance to the Sieg Heil salute

o/ or 0/ - Used for its resemblance to the Sieg Heil salute

🐸 Frog Emoji - A reference to Pepe the Frog, a webcomic charcter co-opted by the alt-right

👌 Okay Symbol Emoji - A hand symbol co-opted by the alt-right. Sometimes said to resemble the letters WP, or White Power

🚪 Door Emoji - Refers to the fact that some of the gas chambers (such as the ones at Auschwitz) had wooden doors, and therefore could not have been airtight enough to contain the Zyklon B gas used to murder prisoners. In reality, many of the wooden doors were either replaced with airtight metal ones, or were made airtight with strips of felt that then deteriorated or were removed

🚿 Showerhead Emoji - Refers to the showerheads used to dispense Zyklon B gas in the gas chambers

⛽ Gas Pump Emoji - Refers to gas chambers

⚡⚡ Double Lightning Emojis - Used for their resemblance to the Siegrune (victory rune) badge worn by members of the SS (Schutzstaffel)

💀 Skull Emoji - Used for its resemblance to the Totenkopf (Death's Head) used by the SS

☠️ Skull and Crossbones Emoji - Used for its resemblance to the Totenkopf (Death's Head) used by the SS

WORDS/PHRASES

6MWE - Six Million Wasn't Enough. A call for further genocide against Jews

AKIA - A Klansman I Am

Annudah Shoah - A mockery of both the Shoah (Holocaust) and the fear of further genocide

Auschwitz had a swimming pool/rec center/maternity ward/etc. - An attempt to diminish the horror of concentration camps by making them seem more like labor camps with amenities

Blood and Honor - A neo-Nazi slogan

Blood and Soil - A neo-Nazi slogan

Blood Libel - Not a phrase used by the far right, but something they often believe in or claim. Blood libel is an antisemitic conspiracy theory stretching back hundreds of years. The original claim was that Jews used the blood of Christian babies to bake matzah (a ritual food eaten on Passover). It has since evolved into images of Jews drinking blood, kidnapping and killing non-Jewish babies, and conspiracy theories about harvesting adrenochrome

Bowlcut - A reference to white supremacist mass-murderer Dylan Roof

Cohencidence - A portmanteau of Cohen (a common Jewish last name) and coincidence. Used to refer to Jewish control (e.g. "All these companies are owned by Jews! What a Cohencidence!")

COORS - "Comerades of Our Racial Struggle"

Cultural Marxism - A conspiracy theory that Jews are intentionally weakening "Western values" in order to make countries like the United States more susceptible to communism. This was called Cultural Bolshevism in Nazi Germany

Da Shoah or Muh Shoah or Muh Holocaust - A mockery of the Holocaust

Day of the Rope - A day referenced in neo-Nazi book The Turner Diaries when all race traitors will be hanged

Degenerate - An insult based on the false theory that bad morals will cause human beings to regress along the path of evolution (to de-evolve). Used to describe groups, individuals, or ideologies

Early Life - A reference to the "Early Life" section of Wikipedia biographies, which will reveal that a person is Jewish or has Jewish ancestry

Every Single Time - Every time something bad happens, the perpetrator is Jewish

Featherwood - A term derived from racist prison subculture. A featherwood is a woman associated with a racist gang

FGRN - For God, Race, and Nation. A Ku Klux Klan slogan

The Fourteen Words - A neo-Nazi slogan. "We must secure the existance of our people and a future for white children"

The Frankfurt School - A school of sociology founded at Goethe University Frankfurt in 1923. Usually blamed as the originator of "Cultural Marxism"

Fren - Internet slang. A diminutive of "friend", used to diminish Naziism and make it seems more harmless. Often used in usernames to describe one's self (e.g. sad_fren_88)

Globalist - A person who desires connection between countries in terms of politics, trade, and travel. Used to scaremonger about Jews destroying countries by removing their borders

Gorillion - A mockery of the number 6 million, being the amount of Jews who were murdered in the Holocaust

Goy - Hebrew for "nation", used by Jews to refer to non-Jews/gentiles. Used disparagingly by neo-Nazis to suggest Jews view non-Jews as beneath them

Goyslop - Unhealthy food that Jews force non-Jews to eat to keep them weak

Groid - A shortening of "Negroid", an archaic terms used to describe Black people

Groyper - A follower of avowed neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes. A reference to the "Groyper" meme, a variant of Pepe the Frog

GSHW - Germany Should Have Won (i.e. won World War II)

GTKRWN - Gas the Kikes; Race War Now

HDKH - Hitler Didn't Kill Himself. A neo-Nazi theory that Hitler escaped Germany and fled to Argentina

John 8:44 - "You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies." Part of Jesus' rebuke of his Jewish followers

Joo or Jooz - An intentional misspelling of "Jews" in an attempt to bypass censors or automatic content filters

Kate Hikes - A spoonerism of "hate kikes"

Kek - 4chan variation of "lol"

Kekistan - A fictional country imagined by white nationalists with a flag that resembles the Nazi battle flag

Khazar - A reference to the conversion of a group of Khazars (a Turkic people) to Judaism. Antisemites speculate that the entirity of Ashkenazi Jews are descended from these Khazar converts, and therefore have no historical, cultural, or genetic tie to the Levant. This has been proven false on multiple occasions

Kike - A racial slur against Jews

Lizard People or Reptilians - A conspiracy theory by far-right figure David Icke, claiming that world leaders are really reptilian aliens. Most people who believe this theory believe that the lizard people in question are the Jews

Magic Soil - A protest against the idea that people of one nationality can become people of another nationality simply by living in a country (i.e. "France doesn't have magic soil that turns Africans into Frenchmen")

Nicker - An intentional misspelling of the N word in an attempt to bypass censors or automatic content filters

Ns - Black people (as in the plural of the letter N)

NSDAP - Nationalsozialistiche Deutsche Arbeiterpartei. The Nazi party, but using an acronym that is unfamiliar to most people

NS - National Socialist

Noticer - Someone who "notices" that Jews control the world

The Noticing - A mass movement of people "noticing" that Jews control the world

New World Order - A far-right conspiracy theory about Jews taking control over the world and implementing a single world government. Also used in conjunction with phrases like "world banks"

OFOF - One Front, One Family. Slogan of the neo-Nazi group Volksfront

ORION - Our Race Is Our Nation

Oy Vey - A Yiddish exclamation meaning "oh woe". Used by neo-Nazis to mock Jews

Pattern Recognizer - Someone who has recognized the "pattern" of Jews always being in control

Peckerwood - A term derived from racist prison subculture. A peckerwood is a man associated with a racist gang

Power Level - A memeification of far-right beliefs. The more fascist your beliefs, the higher your "power level"

The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion - A 20th century Russian hoax claiming to be the minutes of meetings between Jewish leaders discussing how they will take control of the world

Pure Blood - Someone who is a pure member of the white race

Rabbi Smolett - A claim that Jews fabricate antisemitic hate crimes (a reference to actor Jussie Smolett who was accused of doing the same)

ROA - Race Over All

The Goyim Know - A phrase used by white supremacists acting like Jews who have discovered white supremacist activity, and are afraid that they've been found out. Often "The Goyim Know, Shut It Down", which adds the idea that Jews will prohibit any conversation that gets too close to the truth

The Red Cross - A reference to the supposed fact that the Red Cross claimed only 271,000 people had been murdered in concentration camps. In reality, that number reported by the Red Cross only came from reports from 13 concentration camps (there were 23 main camps, plus a large number of smaller "satellite" camps)

Tiny Hats or Tiny Hatted People - A reference to the Kippah or Yarmulke often worn by Jewish men

Reject Modernity, Embrace Tradition - A fascist slogan warning against social progress and calling for a return to a prelapsarian (usually ethnocentric) paradise

Rubbing Hands - A reference to an antisemitic charicature called "The Happy Merchant"

"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you're not allowed to criticize" - A quote often misattributed to Voltaire, which neo-Nazis use to decry claims of antisemitism as efforts to silence them. In fact, it's a quote from a neo-Nazi pedophile

Shabbos Goy - A non-Jewish neighbor of a Jew who can be asked to perform acts Jews are forbidden from doing on the Sabbath (e.g. turning of a light or turning on the heat). Used by neo-Nazis to claim someone is a slave to Jews

Sheeeiiit - An over-the-top representation of how "shit" is said with a Blaccent. Often used in memes declaring Black people to be less intelligent

Shekels - Jewish currency (from the Hebrew word for weight, similar to how British currency is called the pound. In reality, the plural of shekel is shkalim). The name has been adopted by the State of Israel for the NIS (New Israeli Shekel). "Shekels" is used by neo-Nazis to mock Jews as being greedy

Synagogue of Satan - An antisemitic term for Jews, stemming from the Chrsitian Bible

They or Them - When used to describe a nebulous group of undefined adversaries, these words almost always refer to Jews

They Cry Out in Pain As They Strike You - An antisemitic proverb claiming that Jews will make false cries of antisemitism while at the same time perpetrating atrocities

Troon - A slur against trans people, particularly trans women

Volk - German for "folk", or "kind". Used by neo-Nazis to refer to white people

We Wuz Kangz - A racist phrase ment to mock Black nationalists

White Genocide - The myth that a group of people (usually Jews) are conspiring to eliminate the white race through various means including immigration, intermarriage, and homosexuality

WP - White Power

WN - White Nationalist or White Nationalism

Wooden Doors - Refers to the fact that some of the gas chambers (such as the ones at Auschwitz) had wooden doors, and therefore could not have been airtight enough to contain the Zyklon B gas used to murder prisoners. In reality, many of the wooden doors were either replaced with airtight metal ones, or were made airtight with strips of felt that then deteriorated or were removed

Zio - An abbreviation of "Zionist". Used derogatorialy by neo-Nazis

WPRWS - 'Weimar Problems Require Weimar Solutions" (sometimes shortened to just "Weimar Problems" or "Weimar Solutions"). Prior to the rise of the Nazi Party, the democratic Weimar Republic was in financial crisis (the eponymous "Weimar Problem"). This was often blamed on the Jews. The "Weimar Solution" is Naziism

ZOG - Zionist Occupied Government, reflecting the belief that the United States government is controlled by Jews

[bettsfic]

march pinned: ending the sex project

in the march edition of my lowkey writing-related newsletter, in addition to my writing-related post roundup and upcoming consultation availability, i have personal essay recommendations and a segment on the definition of a project!

for more information on my creative coaching services, check out my carrd.

if you want to receive my lowkey writing-related newsletter directly, you can subscribe here.

full newsletter below the cut, or you can read it here.

fuck february, amiright?

i thought january was bad. but february. february was the stuff of nightmares. my cousin passed away from covid (you can read about her here; she was really an amazing person and i feel so lucky to have known her). i was finally formally diagnosed with PCOS (bittersweet, i guess). my car broke down. i took two (2) days off and it took me two and a half weeks to get caught up again. i can only hope march treats us all a little more gently.

the good news is, i finished revisions on my short story collection to send to my agent, finished workshop submissions for the semester, and now i can return to my first love, fanfiction. that i am constantly working through original fiction to return to fanfiction has been making me think a lot about the nature of a creative, capital-p Project. so, this month’s BTALA (been thinkin a lot about) is going to inspect the concept of a “project.”

new resource

last month i unveiled a folder of my favorite short stories which i’m pleased to hear several of you have perused and gotten some inspiration from. this month i’ve compiled my favorite personal essays. there are fewer essays than there are short stories because i’ve broken them into two groups: personal and craft. next month i hope to have the craft essays compiled.

i’m always looking for more things to love, so if you have recommendations for your favorite short stories and essays, i’d be happy to hear them!

writing-related posts

how to physically maneuver the revision process

the difference between M and E ratings of fic

resources for worldbuilding (check out the reblogs for more!)

a couple syntax/prose book recs

how to break a long work into chapters

march availability

unfortunately i have to cut my coaching hours down a bit, so i don’t have any openings left in march, but i have some availability in april. if you’re interested in a writing consultation, please fill out this google form!

you can learn more about my services on my carrd.

what i’m into rn

for the past year, i’ve basically been trapped in a 10x10 room, and my health is definitely reflecting that, both mentally (does anyone else feel like they’re living in groundhog day? just, every day being exactly the same except fractionally worse than the day before??) and physically (i reorganized the kitchen and could barely move for two days).

reader, i have discovered something called “walking,” in which i put on real human shoes and go outside. it feels strange, bestial. neighbors wave hello to me. a harrowing experience.

while doing this, this walking, i’ve been listening to the lolita podcast which a friend recommended to me, a ten-episode series that dives into everything lolita: the novel itself, its context, adaptations, greater cultural responses, and — as a sticker on my laptop says — vladimir “russian dreamboat” nabokov. as far as i can tell it seems well-researched and presents the many perspectives of lolita in a fair way. i’m only a few eps in, but i’m entranced so far. highly recommended if you, like me, have a complicated relationship with lolita.

i’ve also found myself mildly addicted to a mobile otome game called obey me, which. look i know it’s like the definition of cringe but it’s also mind-numbingly fun and if i want to spend my minimal free time pretending 7 demon brothers are all vying for my affection then that’s between me and god. it’s a lot of what i loved about WoW: frequent events, bright colors, a daily to do list of simple but satisfying tasks, many many rewards, and it doesn’t take itself very seriously. and if i have 4k fic written of mammon/reader that’s nobody’s business but mine and my longsuffering ao3 subscribers.

i’m telling you this because i don’t know anyone else who plays it and am desperate to trade headcanons. so if you play, or start playing, hit me up!! i will give u mad tips and daily AP.

been thinkin a lot about

the project. the project. even the word “project.” PROject (noun). proJECT (verb). what is the project? “project” comes from the latin pro and jacare which means “to throw forward,” or projectum which means “something prominent.” a projector throws forward an image. to project onto something means to throw your perspective onto something else. to embark on a project is to make something prominent in your life. the concept of “the projects” comes from public housing projects, the government throwing forward affordable housing.

what is the project? in joseph harris’ essay “coming to terms” he says that “to define the project of a writer is…to push beyond his text, to hazard a view about not only what someone has said but also what he was trying to accomplish by saying it.” harris’ perspective is that of an english teacher encouraging his students to read critically, not just to summarize a text but to find its project, its greater purpose. and while i first read this essay in a seminar on composition pedagogy, it stuck with me as a writer. it made me reconsider the greater nature of the creative project.

how many of us, if asked to describe our writing project, would begin with a plot or character premise, the nuts and bolts of a specific story? maybe even the working title? but i wonder, is breaking out the plot really the project? is the discipline of sitting down and typing really the project? and when the story is finished, is the project over? what is the project?

in 2019, i wrote 86k words of a novel. i began revising that novel last fall, and i’m finding that i’ll probably keep maybe less than 10k of that initial draft. i’m not bothered by that. the novel i wrote before that started at 125k, then i rewrote the entire thing to 200k, then i whittled it back down to 160k, and next i’ll be tasked with paring it back down to 80k. i’m not bothered by that either. in the past five years or so i’ve written about 2 million words, and i’ve only published 20k of them. only 1% of what i’ve written, i’ve published. in the words of lauren cooper (catherine tate), i’m not bothered.

i used to see publication as the birth of the project, and writing it akin to a long gestation period. then i saw publication as the death of the project, and its life was lived in its drafting. now, publication seems irrelevant to the project. the confines of a story and its many revisions are also irrelevant to the project. the beginning of a story is not the start of the project and the end of the story is not the end of the project. the project is larger than the story, its revisions, its publication, and its eventual readership.

i think it took me so long to see this because for so many years i was still in my first project, the sex project, an exploration of trauma and sexual identity, which began in 2014 with destiel fanfiction, endured through many fandom shifts, my MFA, years adrift as an adjunct, all the way through 2020 with the completion of my short story collection. i used to wonder how anyone could write about anything other than sex. to me it was the only topic worth my attention. i was certain that i would spend my entire life being a sex writer and i’d never find fulfillment writing a young adult sci fi adventure or a highly literary novel about complicated family dynamics. i was baffled by people who were interested in other things, who could write entire novels without using the word “cock” even once.

then my sex project ended. i don’t know when exactly it happened or why, but suddenly i realized i never wanted to write another artful description of an orgasm or find a tactful euphemism for a vagina ever again (personally i prefer “wet cunt” because not only is it blunt, i find it phonetically pleasing). obviously i’m still writing explicit fanfic but it doesn’t feel the same as it used to. sex feels more sidelined to me, even if it’s still the center and drive of a fic. i no longer get any personal satisfaction from writing it, although i do get satisfaction in sharing the work for readers to enjoy.

it’s like i’ve somehow solved the biggest puzzle of my life. or i guess made peace with my meanest monster, that extremely complicated double-mind of desire that some non-sex-repulsed asexuals feel: you want to feel desire you can’t actually feel so you write it into fiction, to try to understand this thing you can’t have and which society tells you you’re missing, and you don’t even know if you don’t have it, because you still feel desire for affection and intimacy, and maybe even a desire to be desired. and for those of us who are asexual and have c-ptsd, sex you don’t actually want (but don’t know you don’t want, because maybe you’re ambivalent and mildly curious and touch-starved) and an unrelenting drive toward people-pleasing can be a dangerous combination. how can you ever know what consent is if you always put other people’s desires above your own?

maybe i’m alone in this. maybe i’m not. maybe for most people, wanting sex is a light switch: yes i want it, or no i don’t. but for me, i had to write a whole lot of words to figure out things like desire, consent, intimacy, forgiveness, the shape that good love takes. the lengthy theoretical flowchart of “i might be interested in having sex if this and this and this and this and this happens in this exact order and under these exact circumstances.”

it was hard to write something into reality that i have never seen except in pieces, in subtext i clung to with no lexicon to give it shape and meaning. te lawrence in lawrence of arabia. some of tarantino’s early work. the film benny and joon. and weirdly, the star wars prequels (that one’s hard to explain; i’ll spare you). i don’t think the sex project was about coming to terms with my asexuality as much as it was trying to organize my thoughts and feelings by continuously rendering my own experiences within a greater, shinier ideal — like how you sometimes have to unravel the entire skein of yarn to find the loose end, and only then can you get started.

i guess i’m in the infancy of the power project now. i’m moving toward themes of control, infamy, greatness. the exact circumstances in which atrocity occurs. how people rise into leadership and fall from grace. the consequences of success. i don’t know why this project has come to me, or what, if anything, it has to do with me. i’m not famous and have no intention of becoming famous; i don’t have social power or influence, at least not beyond my little corner of fandom, and i’m not interested in having it. and yet, here we are, already hundreds of thousands of words in.

my fics digging for orchids (tgcf) and a standing engagement (the hunger games) deal with the detriments of fame. and even float (breaking bad) to a degree is about the aftermath of being so close to power. my novel cherry pop, loosely based on macbeth, is about an ongoing power exchange between two teenage girls. my other novel, vandal, is about a girl who believes she has magic powers and casts a spell on her neighbor to fall in love with her. and i’m in the very early stages of a novel called groundswell, a cult story i’ve been wanting to write for years. i had no idea why i couldn’t write it until i realized it wasn’t yet my project. i’m not even to the stage of developing characters, let alone a premise or plot. i’m still just building my aesthetic pile (i discuss the aesthetic pile here, as well as vandal in more detail), watching documentaries on cults, reading books, finding inspiration, marking down ideas as they come. it may be years before i’m ready to sit down and write it.

now that i know what the project is, i have more patience with myself. it doesn’t bother me to rewrite a novel from the beginning, or to scrap novels altogether, because the story isn’t the project. the project cannot be diminished by cutting words, sentences, paragraphs, entire chapters. the project does not have a product. the project cannot be published. the project is in the practice, in dragging the impossibly large into clear, acute existence, so you can see it. so you can see the very center of what you thought was an unknowable thing.

[wingsofninewheels]

Diamond Farming Guide

After several months of stam hoarding, I cannot recall which Nikki tuber(s) have suggested Debbie-format as the cornerstone of dia farming, but I can tell you that day 1 of skipping the Debbie-format suit in favor of the NPC’s sweet sweet diamonds yielded me about 550 diamonds--and I haven’t even cracked into my comp box stockpile yet. (This stuff is probably a fusion of wisdom from both Effie and Viv in the past year, but I follow at least four Nikkis on YT, and they all have great gameplay input and tons of experience.) I’m just so impressed with the efficiency of it, that I wanted to do a write-up for it!

Hoard stam and Competition vote boxes. (Optional, but also helpful for accumulating even more stam and dia: Lots of Corridor voting, too.) Anytime you participate in a Hell event that drops stam, keeping it for later is a great base for hoarding, ‘cause it typically works out to several hundred per suit.

Skip a Debbie-format suit that you’re not 100% in love with. Thus far, they always return for crafting/store. Instead of accumulating the currency to exchange for the suit, give it all to the NPC. (Optional: Hunt easter eggs. I don’t do it, so I don’t have a breakdown on how to. Many players swear by it, though, and there’s lots of tutorials out there.) If you don’t have things to farm crafting materials for--though I can’t imagine many are lacking for things to craft right now, ‘cause V2:Ch6 is so huge--Maiden V1:7-7 is ideal for decomp purposes, as it can drop a ♥♥♥ and a ♥♥♥♥, often both: and you’ll always need more Earrings & Necklaces.

(Alternately, of course, you can always finish a Debbie-format suit, then continue this farming guide as normal. Depending on your V-level and how much stam you tend to hoard, you’ll usually get at least a day and a half to two days of dia-farming on top of acquiring the suit, if you so desire.)

Use the extra gold from the NPC and stam usage to buy pull 100s in the Pavilion of Mystery. Now couldn’t be a better time to do all the extra pull 100s you can, because 95% of the crafting materials for Starsea can come from the Mystery House, and we’ll likely (hopefully?) be getting the Starsea recolor on LN server sometime this year? I usually keep around 500k-1mil on hand for crafting purposes and spend the rest.

Decomp everything extra. (If you were farming V1:7-7 that’s Lampwick Brown hair and Silent Rose coat.) Revel in dozens of decomp chests, which can yield Tarot pieces, dia, dyes, star coins, and gold--and doing so doubles as Reconstruction suit farming, so you’re likely to get massive progress on any you’re working on.

If you want to be extra thorough, you can weed out all the Mystery House recolors that you’ve already finished. The ones I find easiest at a glance are from Tower of Zen: the “lucky red” pieces and the gold ♥♥♥♥♥ pieces. (I compiled a full list below, for if you’re ever feeling like cleaning up your wardrobe dupes.)

There’s a hyper-intensive third degree of decomp where you assess whether you’ve crafted every single thing an item might be used for, then decomp them from that point on--but it takes hours upon hours of cross-referencing on Nikki’s Info, and I’ve never in the three years I’ve played completed a full inventory purge. It’s not necessary, but it’s a major extra push for decomp chests if you’re so inclined. (I once saw Viv decomp over a thousand items this way.)

If you’ve got a surplus of Mystery House currency, you can always spend it on pieces you can buy, then turn around and decomp those too. I see lots of people cash in their Cinderella Shoes for decomp material, for example, if there’s not any Lifetime suits they’re saving up for. I personally always aim to complete all Lifetime suits (and eventually, all their recolors... except Grice, that restored Yoke can stay in the bin RIP) so I keep my Cinderella Shoes, where I prefer to buy extras with my 150-dia pav currencies, if I’m doing this.

I’ve also seen people during pick-and-choose Debbie-format events spend any surplus currency last day on whatever item(s) they can afford, for extra decomps. Ideally, though, you’ll never have that much leftover on the last day, following this strategy.

Following this strategy during a Debbie-format event, you essentially get dia from your dailies, from voting in the Competition and Corridor, from the NPC, from decomp chests, and from completing suits. It all racks up very very fast!

If you’ve found this useful, I'd super appreciate a like and reblog. Share it with your fellow Nikkis. You’re free to link to this list elsewhere! Just make sure to credit me, please, as this write-up took several hours. I don’t have a Reddit account, so it’s totally cool if anybody wants to cross-post!

♥♥♥♥♥♥ Enjoy swimming in dia, lovely Nikkis. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

(If I’ve made any errors or missed items, totally let me know so I can edit this!)

Below the cut is a breakdown of the Mystery House items that have recolors, sorted by rarity and tab. Anything you have finished all the recolors of is prime decomp fodder--you are almost guaranteed Recomp jewelry drops from them. (The way I usually go is, skim through Customize with a list like this one, and write down anything that has a “Get” on it. Anything you still need to color something of will show at the very top of the list, without a “Get” on it. Then, I take the list I compiled, and apply that to the Decomp menu.)

Hair

Autumn • Gold ♥♥♥

Traditional Bride • Brown ♥♥♥

Evergreen Flower • Black ♥♥♥

Resonance ♥♥♥

Cresent ♥♥♥♥

Countryside Girl • Brown ♥♥♥♥

Dynamic Summer • Silver ♥♥♥♥

Cute Animal ♥♥♥♥

Dark Tomb ♥♥♥♥♥

Messy Cute ♥♥♥♥♥

Fine Creation ♥♥♥♥♥

Holy World ♥♥♥♥♥

Bond in Distance ♥♥♥♥♥

Emmy ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Young Warbler • Verdant ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Light Tone ♥♥♥♥♥

Pinky-white Curls ♥♥♥♥♥

Dress

First Encounter ♥♥♥ 

Kapok ♥♥♥

Elegant Dress • Beige ♥♥♥ 

Bright Future ♥♥♥

Star Shadow ♥♥♥

Pink Gauze Dress ♥♥♥

Teddy Bear • Brown ♥♥♥

Sentimental Regret ♥♥♥♥ 

Jade Yard ♥♥♥♥ 

Cloud Dance • Red ♥♥♥♥ 

Pastoral Pearl • Red ♥♥♥♥ 

Light Feather • Gray ♥♥♥♥

Flower of Sin • White  ♥♥♥♥

Docile Alpaca ♥♥♥♥

Snow White Kitty ♥♥♥♥

Stygian Death ♥♥♥♥♥

Auspicious Clouds ♥♥♥♥♥

Phoenix of Genesis ♥♥♥♥♥  GOLD

Dragon of Apocalypse ♥♥♥♥♥  GOLD

Pearl Girl ♥♥♥♥♥

Fairytale Stars ♥♥♥♥♥

Chocolate Teddy ♥♥♥♥♥

Coat

Duo Moon ♥♥♥

Silk Coat • White ♥♥♥

Lace Coat • White ♥♥♥♥

Iron Rose ♥♥♥♥

Cloud Flower ♥♥♥♥

Nice Pistil ♥♥♥♥♥

Gentle Care ♥♥♥♥♥

Flourish Peach ♥♥♥♥♥

Revival Sound ♥♥♥♥♥

Top

Fortunate Flowers ♥♥♥

Cloud Blouse • Blue ♥♥♥♥♥

Sweet Dream ♥♥♥♥♥

Bottom

Lucky Star ♥♥♥ 

Star Shatters ♥♥♥

Sandal Branch • Red ♥♥

Elegant Rendering ♥♥♥♥

Cloud Pants • Blue ♥♥♥♥♥

Fantasy Sleep ♥♥♥♥♥

Hosiery

Radiant Joy ♥♥♥

Teddy Footprint • Brown ♥♥♥

The Rivulet ♥♥♥♥ 

Soft Socks ♥♥♥♥

White Kitten Tale ♥♥♥♥

Sweet Garter ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Snowy Night ♥♥♥♥♥

Honey Star ♥♥♥♥♥

Shoes

Peep-toe Heels • Gray ♥♥ 

Running Shoes • White ♥♥ 

Cradle of Snow • Blue ♥♥

Smooth Career ♥♥♥

Bloch’s Labyrinth • Brown ♥♥♥ 

Rubber Boots • Pink ♥♥♥ 

Kimi’s Rose • Black ♥♥♥ 

Black Patent Leather ♥♥♥ 

Obedience ♥♥♥

Pastoral • Brown ♥♥♥♥

Blue Porcelain • Shoes ♥♥♥♥

Pale High Heels ♥♥♥♥

Cute High Heels ♥♥♥♥

Glamour - Brown ♥♥♥♥

Oceans Conquer • Blue ♥♥♥♥

Dream Envoy ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Propitious Buckle ♥♥♥♥♥

Phoenix World ♥♥♥♥♥

Emperor of Universe ♥♥♥♥♥

Stars • Pink ♥♥♥♥♥

Sweet Teddy • Black ♥♥♥♥♥

Accessories

Scorching Sun ♥♥♥

Auspiciousness ♥♥♥

Gold and Jade ♥♥♥

Goodbye to Nian ♥♥♥

Joyful ♥♥♥

Embrace ♥♥♥ 

Shining ♥♥♥ 

Lonely Star ♥♥♥ 

Fireflies ♥♥♥

Red Riding Hood’s Bracelet ♥♥♥♥ (after crafting Tender Charm)

Beach Wristband ♥♥♥♥ (after crafting Rose)

Rose Necklet • Brown ♥♥♥♥ 

Garden Headband • Brown ♥♥♥♥

Goofy Face ♥♥♥♥

Warm Companion ♥♥♥♥ 

White Kitten Earrings ♥♥♥♥ 

White Kitten Gloves ♥♥♥♥ 

White Kitten Tail ♥♥♥♥

Blue Porcelain • Bag ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Rosy Dream ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Sweet Choker ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Bow Ribbon ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Auspicious Knot ♥♥♥♥♥

Bird Pilgrimage ♥♥♥♥♥  GOLD

Dragon in Heaven ♥♥♥♥♥  GOLD

Phoenix Crown ♥♥♥♥♥  GOLD

Great Heaven Crown ♥♥♥♥♥

Soft Pink Choker ♥♥♥♥♥

Flowers in Summer ♥♥♥♥♥

Star Hunt • Red ♥♥♥♥♥ 

Prince Teddy • Brown ♥♥♥♥♥

Makeup

Queen Saint Phoenix ♥♥♥♥♥

King Saint Cloud ♥♥♥♥♥

[past-perfect-future-tense]

Elements of Chance Part 4

So apparently my Word program has decided to work so I’ll post the next part of the book.  Again, I like comments, reblogs are good, whatever you want to talk about from the post.  Tags are at the end.

“Can you at least for once tell me where we’re going? For the better half of the day I have been at your mercy.” I questioned for something, I would be happy for even a hint of the destination.

“Well, it’s not as though I sat and planned this day out. I think you will like where we’re going. No, I think you will love it! I think you might even hug me to thank me for the surprise.” He was smiling as he said this.

“Don’t push your luck. So if I love it I will hug you and if I hate it can I hit you?” He wasn’t too keen on that idea as I could see from his expression. “So do we have a deal? I mean if you are that confident in your assumption, then you won’t mind the wager.” I could see I was pushing it and he was playing along.

“Fine, you can hit me if you don’t like the place that I’m taking you. Care to shake on it?” Now he was just being coy.

“No, I trust that you will hold up your end of the deal.” I smiled at him as we continued to walk a little further. If he left me here, I would have no idea where we were. I’ve been in London and some of the areas I’m very familiar with, however this was not one of them. Eventually we came up to a store with two large windows framed in bright yellow. It was very eye catching and quite bright for the area. The yellow caught your attention and was a pop of color against the dull brick facade of the building and those around it. I read the sign, it was a book store. He was right and I would have to hold my end of the deal.

“So, do you like our destination?”

“Yes, I love bookstores! How did you know?” I was surprised and flattered by his observations of me.

“After your display at the museum when you became distraught over not being able to buy some books I figured you would love a place like this. Come on, let’s go inside.” He reached to open the door but before he could reach the handle I reached out and embraced him. I gave him squeeze and stood upon my tip toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you!” I was touched by his thoughtfulness and kindness. Why did he have to be so perfect? Why did he have to be so hard to resist? He smiled and opened the door and I walked in ahead of him.

The smell of the bookstore was amazing. I loved the smell of old books. It had a familiarity and history that you can’t get from a big bookstore with bright lights and a crowd of people competing for overpriced books. From the sign on the front I read that it sold rare and used books. When I was in London previously I had taken home several used books from a charity shop in Chelsea near the flat where I was staying. When you find an old used book, it would seem to me like a pirate finding a treasure and the contents of the treasure were truly valuable, even if only to you. We split up and began to look for different things. The shelves were tall and the store had a yellow border that wrapped around the inside perimeter. Books were in almost every corner, like a buffet waiting to be devoured by famished brethren.

What he was looking for I did not ask about and vice versa. I didn’t know where to start, so I began in the back of the store and worked my way to the front. Going aisle by aisle browsing for anything that caught my fancy, I was in a reader’s heaven. He was the opposite and worked from the front of the store to the rear. I found a small stash of Edgar Allen Poe and decided to buy a book of his short stories. It was in great condition for a hard back and had an interesting dust jacket. I continued my journey through the narrow byways of the store searching for a jewel in the rough.

I found a jewel in the rough; he was standing in the same aisle as me. Tall, blonde, fair skin and sexy as sin, he was like a leading man from a novel too good to be true. I could picture him riding horse-back in an Austen novel through a field on a cloudy day to find his true love; with the wind in his hair and the determination to get to her at any cost set in his face. He looked over at me and smiled. I smiled and looked away. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, watching me, waiting for his moment. Would I allow him a moment? I looked back toward him and he mouthed hello. I gave him a short friendly wave with my hand and went back to my book. I wondered what book he was combing through. Should I take a chance and go to him? No, I could never do that. He looked my way again and I figured I would go for it. With all of my courage I looked him in the eyes, put a kiss in my hand and blew it to him. He caught it and then did the most unthinkable thing he could ever do, he put it on his crotch. He then gave me a sly, devious smile. I rolled my eyes and looked away in complete disgust. It was funny and I hated to admit it. Smiling at him with slight disdain, he casually walked over to me. No matter how distasteful his joke had been or not, he was inexplicably handsome in his caramel colored suede jacket and dark blue jeans.

“You had to ruin it didn’t you?” I told him with disappointment in a low voice.

“I just wanted to make you laugh, that’s all. Hey you have to admit it was funny.” He was grinning from ear to ear.

“Alright it was a bit funny and you may wish that, however I will have nothing to do with that area of your body.”

“I can dream can’t I?” He laughed lowly as not to disturb the others in the store.

“Yeah one of your better dreams…” I wasn’t finished looking at books. So I looked back to the shelf I was before.

“So you don’t do everything, do you?” He was questioning me, continuing his game.

“I believe that my sexual prowess is none of your concern.” I continued on.

“You’re a hard one to figure out.”

“Me? You’re the one making vulgar gestures in a bookstore.”

“I’m not giving up on you, no matter how difficult and prissy you are.”

“Congratulations, you’re figuring me out.” I put my arm in his, “And you like me to be difficult and prissy.”

“See, there you go, you win me over again. I do like difficult and prissy. Although I didn’t know I did until today.”

“So, what book did you find?” I asked him about his selection.

“I found an old copy of a song book, words and music from the Doors.”

“Oh, I love the Doors. I had such a crush on Jim Morrison….I would look at the album cover of his single face, while my mother played it on our turn table, a 78.” I wistfully looked at him as I remembered back. “May I look at it?”

“Here” He handed me his book and took mine to browse through. “You like Poe?”

“No, I love Poe. His dark, brooding energy, it gives me chills. I have several different compilations of his, nothing like this one though. It will be perfect for my collection.”

“He is quite interesting, I like him as well.”

“This is a really good find.” I gave him the book back. I continued to look through the art section. I found three others I decided to take. There were mainly picture books of Helen Frankenthaler, Gustav Klimt and Andy Warhol.

“So you collect picture books too?”

“Yes, I started when I first entered college and haven’t stopped since. I started collecting them of Georgia O’Keefe, since she was my inspiration to try painting. The more I really started to study art, not just as an artist but as an appreciator, then I began to collect many other artists. I will always collect my favorites first, but now if I find a good book of any artist that I feel remotely has an impact on art, and then I will add them to the collection. My goal is to have a library of picture and biographies of artists in my studio. I would like my children, if I have any, which I doubt, to be able to go to my studio and pick up a book and find out what they need to. A visual art history if you will.” He was not surprised by this; he seemed to understand me more than anyone on this. What my desire was and how I was fulfilling it.

“I think your ‘children’ will be inspired by your commitment to their art education. I know I try to do the same with mine as well. Art is a natural reflection of life. Some of its good, some not, but the beauty of it all is that it is a part of all cultures in any time throughout history. There’s nothing more pure and contrived hosted in one thing out there. Well, maybe music, we aren’t talking about that though.”

“No not today, but we can sometime.”

“It’s good to know you were listening and not just imagining me naked. I know that is very difficult for you not too, but please, I have my dignity.” He stood next to me and I rolled my eyes at him.

“Oh my God, I’m going to vomit.” I put my hand over my mouth and made a gagging sound. He smiled at me and then I said, “I would have thrown up had I’d of had anything in my stomach.”

“So you are saying you are hungry?”

“No. I’m not hungry, why would I be hungry? I mean I haven’t eaten anything all day come to think of it. We should go eat. Are you hungry, too?” I asked him.

“Yeah, come on. Are you finished looking around? I am. We have been here for a couple of hours. They would probably be glad to get rid of us.” I followed him to the counter. “Ladies first”

“Thank you.”

“Hello and how are you this evening?” The clerk asked me. He was a younger man, in his early twenties.

“I’m doing very well, thank you.”

“Was there anything in particular you were looking for?”

“No, not really, mostly just browsing and whatever looked appealing, well then you just take, right?”

“Yeah that is the way to browse, have an open mind. Art enthusiast?” He asked me.

“Yes, all my life I’m afraid.” I smiled at him and he returned the smile.

“You know she is an artist herself. She even has a show going on. You should check it out. Here is the card for the gallery.” He gave the clerk a card from the gallery. When did he confiscate that?

“I will; thank you.” The clerk smiled at me and then at him.  

“Oh, here put them all together.” My friend handed the clerk his book.

“No they are separate purchases. Thank you though for offering.” I smiled at him and handed him the book back.  

“Wait I owe you some books, remember.” He put the book back on the counter and the clerk took it swiftly and rang it up before I could try to take it from him.

“That’s right you do owe me some books, however these will not make up for the others.” I slightly scowled and as the clerk laughed.

“I think I owe you much more than the books.” He said and the clerk looked down and began to put our books in a bag. He gave the clerk his credit card and we waited for the transaction to finish. The young man gave him the receipt, the bag of books and thanked us.

We left the bookstore in search of something to eat. I really was famished. I was starting to get light headed.

“You know the restaurant is a bit far from here, so I’ll get a cab. We have done quite a bit of walking today.” He hailed the cab for us and as usual I was the first one in. He told the driver the address and we were off.

 Tags @nightcrawler0213 @dracris33 @xmarveled @michelehansel @melodramaticfanatic

[stcrlghts]

Covetous (Part Two)

Prompt: @ruth-hamilton-delrio requested “You can’t be jealous if we aren’t even dating! man up and ask me out if you’re going to act like that.” I wanna see your take on that, for Lin x reader” and I happily turned it into a slow burn, multiple part series fic.

Author’s Note: I know people have been asking and asking for a part two to this (I’m so happy so many people like this, my god!) and it’s taken me a bit to complete because I had a few ideas, but I had to fit them into the timeline. Also, my mom has been really sick the last week or so and needs my help a lot. So, when I’m not helping her or doing my schoolwork, I was at the barn. Left me very little time to write, so this IS short, but it’s worth it. 

If this angst hurts you, just wait for what else I have planned. -cue evil laugh- 

Words: 1,868

Warnings: Angst, mentions of hospital 

Also, for this, it’s modern and Lin has Hamilton and Moana done, but he’s obviously not married and doesn’t have his son for sakes of the fic.

Tags: @ruth-hamilton-delrio @manuelmirandamn @sempiternal-mooses 

Enjoy!! (don’t hesitate to tell me how you like it through asks, messages, comments, or reblogs!)

It was a week later and there’d been near radio silence from Lin. He’d texted you back initially, accepting your profuse apology, but there had been a shift in the dynamic between the two of you and it did not go unnoticed. You were on your way to your apartment after a long double shift doing several surgeries that came into the emergency room when the shrill ring of your phone bursted from your bag. As you searched for it to pick it up before it stopped ringing, you held your breath, wondering if it would be him.

It wasn’t. You suppressed a sigh as you answered the call from your mother, who was only too bubbly for your currently downtrodden and exhausted mind. She relayed to you that they had planned a visit to see your brother in a week and, as long as they were seeing him one state away, they were going to drop by and see you. That’s when you began to protest.

“Mom, you can’t just swing by. I have a career and a life and I’m busy, okay?” You told her, pinching the bridge of your nose and letting your sigh escape this time.

You could hear her grow more insistent, “Nonsense, (Y/N), you can always make time for family.” Your mother always knew how to play her cards to get you to agree, no matter how reluctant you were. As you continued to ponder, your mother continued to speak, now off the topic of visiting as if it had already been solved.

“Oh! How is Lin, honey? We haven’t heard from him much, but we’ve heard about him. Such wonderful things he’s doing – we always knew he was destined for greatness.”

There it was – your mother’s long-time favorite jab against your own profession, as if saving people’s lives wasn’t noble. You enjoyed, appreciated, and loved what Lin was doing because it was classic Lin, but you’d take being in the OR over doing anything else any day of the week. You’d tried, in vain, to explain to your mom, but she refused to see what you meant.

You sighed, “I have to imagine he’s fine, Mom.” You realized a beat too late that you’d potentially just revealed your current problems with him.

“You’d imagine? Have you not been speaking to him?” Your mother jumped on your mistake.

“Uh, no, we’re fine. Just peachy.” You tried to cover up your mistake while maneuvering the crowded mid-day sidewalk in the city. You were only a few more blocks from your apartment building, but this phone call was taking your mind off of your destination.

“Is there something wrong, (Y/N)?” You could picture your mother furrowing her brows, tossing looks at your father.

Rolling your eyes, you replied, “Not at all.”

Your mother’s tone grew cautious and slow, “Okay. Well, we’ll see you when we visit. Do call your brother soon, he misses you.”

“I’ll call him, Mom. I’ve been really busy.”

“That’s fine, thank you.”

Your mother and you exchanged goodbyes and hung up. Sighing, you walked the last bit to your apartment and rushed up and through the door. You slumped against your front door, finding your way to sitting on the floor. When you were just drifting off to a nap, you heard a sharp knock at your door. Startled, you stood back up, not a moment later than when you’d arrived. Your bag was still over your shoulder as you opened the door.

On the other side was a ghost of someone you’d once known, someone who had once been your first call for… anything. This person didn’t look like him because the man you’d known was effervescent, like the springtime sunshine, quick-witted and often filling a room overboard with laughter and quips, and he was radiant and shone down on everyone around them, making them a better person because of him. He used to make you shine, make you laugh with not a care in the world, and make you glitter as you were just touched by the light that surrounded him like a halo. But this man, this one that stood before you. He was tinged with darkness at the edges, his hair uncombed and unkempt, his eyes ringed with the dimness of insomnia, and his eyes holding the hurt of an abandoned animal, an abandoned story, and an abandoned friendship. He avoided your startled and analytical gaze, choosing to watch the floor. It was you who spoke first, harder than you meant to.

“What are you doing here?” You asked of him, realizing you sounded harsher than you felt. You wished you could take back the last week or so and invite him in and give him your bed and a cup of hot tea to warm him and soothe him.

His gaze was still downcast, “I need something from you.”

Your gaze wavered, your brows furrowing in their own question, “What is it, Lin?”

As soon as you said his name, pushing more heart into it than it required seeing as your entire heart seemed to beat to the syllable of his name, he looked up at you. When his eyes locked on yours, you both gave shy smiles, bashful and sorry in the dim hall light. Sighing, giving in, you opened your door wider and swept your arm out, an invitation to him. He took it and walked two steps inside, enough to let you close the door again and he stood just inches away from you.

You tried again, “What did you need?”

He started to slowly shake his head, a sign of a kind of disbelief, “I, um, I need your help with something.” His words came faster then as he grew less broken, returning to himself, a portion of his light restored.

You wandered into your apartment and your kitchen, where you had two bar stools. You’d sat here before with him, plenty of times, but you had a feeling this would be a memorable time. You sat down, and he followed, still half unsure of his movements.

“So, tell me.” You prompted him and he took a deep breath.

“I- I have a date. Tonight. My, um, my friend. He set me up.” He fumbled over the words and you found yourself just a bit surprised. In as long as you had known Lin, he had almost never accepted blind dates. He was too busy, moving too quickly, to sit down and have dinner and a conversation with a person he most likely wouldn’t end up with. A waste of time, he had called it. If he needed someone to date, he knew where to find his person or so he’d told you.

“Okay, so what do you need me to do to help you prepare?” You offered your help, taking back your part in his life, even if it was just for a moment.

“Well, as you probably can already tell, I’m a mess. In no way ready for a date.” He said, a smile dancing on the edge of his face as he tried to poke fun at himself.

“The hair, Lin. How many times do I have to remind you to brush it? And I think I have a couple old things of yours here to help you compile an outfit with. And, please, if you can’t get some sleep before, at least let me put some concealer under your eyes.” Your critique came fast and it came hard. Lin started to laugh a little bit and you relaxed under the task.

“You really are like a big sister to me.” He said and you were reminded of how many times you’d helped him clean up messes and solve problems. Ever since you met, you had taken on the protective role of him, which is what made this idea of him going out with someone you didn’t know strange.

You stood, offering him your hand, “Come on, let’s get started. This might take a while.”

For the next two hours, you ignored your own exhaustion to help remedy Lin’s – the way it always had been and the way you hoped it always would be. Throughout your process, you and Lin maintained a working relationship only – sarcastic comments dotted with laughter and occasionally paired with a real moment. As you plucked through the clothes Lin had left at your place over the years, you were surprised by the sheer number of them and got lost in the memories of all the nights you’d both spent here. Your life was made up of more of his life than you had originally thought. Where you ended and he began, you weren’t quite sure. He told you short stories of what he’d heard of this girl and you began to wonder if you even wanted to know. At the end of your session, he actually looked like the Lin you knew. You’d fixed up his hair, brushing it out of his eyes and making his bright eyes stand out by covering up his heavy tiredness. You’d outfitted him in something both comfortable and nice, something that was both classically him and classic gentleman. For a brief moment before you let him leave, you allowed yourself to wonder if you’d be happy if he showed up like that to your date. You chose yes and there were only parting remarks before he walked back out of your apartment and into another girl’s life.

He stood in front of you, a grin hidden on his face as he glanced down at his outfit again. You were met with his nerves when he looked back up.

“You look great, if I do say so myself.” You told him and bit back a laugh, thinking it was too joyous for how you actually felt now.

He grinned sheepishly, “Thank you. For doing this. You’re the best.”

You reached forward to adjust his collar, your movements automatic, “Anytime. You know that.”

Lin suddenly grew nervous and so did you, removing your hands awkwardly from his collar and him stuffing his hands into the front pockets of his pants. He rocked on his heels and you avoided his eyes.

“I’ll call you if anything goes wrong.”

“Call me if you need me tonight.”

You had both spoken at the same time, giving each other the same message. Your brains rode the same wavelength, the one of both needing each other and not wanting to need each other. You found excuses for needing him, hoping he’d need you as well.

When you both looked back up at each other, you grinned, not hiding yourself anymore and reaching forward to fold him into a tight hug. He squeezed you securely, as if he didn’t want to leave this safe place. You felt a sigh from him move the hair at the back of your head and felt yourself grow sad. You disconnected from him and held him at an arm’s length.

“Have fun tonight, cool kid.” You told him and he knew it was time to go. As he walked out of your door, he gave you a half goodbye wave and you hoped it wasn’t the goodbye you dreaded.