#this was rly fun to do i hope to work with u again bestie

[kringle-c]

how it started vs how its going

commission for @takaani

[luck-of-the-drawings]

"And soda; runs off into the street..." "...and soda... is totally okay!"

[tflaw]

Hello!! Hi!! Where do I start? How do I start?? I'm feeling like a reader lining up in a book signing event, a fangirl abt to meet her idol in a fan meeting, I'm all nervous sending this. This is totally off season hehehe it's abt ur wt. Maybe I should share with you my exp just so u can imagine y I'm feeling this way.

-> Sooo, I only got back to Tumblr in Nov, left few years back after done w college and succumbed to modern slavery of the evil corporate world and torture of guilt to be a responsible adult, (oh, it was awful *putting the back of my hand resting on my forehead like a damsel in distress* ok that was dramatic) butt yess I return just for fun. Despite no longer reading fanfic on Tumblr/AO3 I still read original works from time to time.

-> So when I was in Tumblr the first week if, I remembered I saw an illustration and I was like woahhh nice!! I'm always so drawn to historical/period/royal au fics and I thought, oh cool concept for TR and ahh Mikey is always like a King for me. Silly me, I didn't know it was a fanart by one of your readers for ur wt!!! 2 days back I read this terrible fic from elsewhere not here, historical romance and I thought what was that TR fanart abt again? I felt so dumb, I lost the post I didn't even rb it, not sure the name/title/tag used/ until 9h ago. Found it, rb the fanart, read wt on AO3, and I'm blown away. It was 10000000000% wayyyy better than what I read goodness lawd, well for me, for me u wrote better than a published writer my love!! I felt the excitement of reading another Tolkien's and reminds me of asoiaf.

-> Oh but I had another silly episode of finding u back in Tumblr, from one handle to another my silly self did not realize I've already followed you the first week for a Genshin fic tbr and only now I understood that one person sent you some Asks as a knight or something following you. Long shall you reign hehehe. Sumtg like that abt ur handle. This also I was confused I thought it was someone else's acct. 😂

Ok there. That's why I have no idea where to start or how to start. But sweetheart,this is an appreciation msg. I'm so so in love with you and your writing, wicked throne. Gosh I wanted to just sit down w u in a coffee shop/garden and just talk abt this au. Hang on this reminds me of the two besties on IG wearing medieval dresses and walk around in some European gardens in modern day 🤭 lmao. I've read all of your TR on AO3, but I had no acct there to send Kudos so I'm sending from this Ask. I've been missing sooo much since you wrote it.sighhhh

Here you go babe ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ thanks for writing so well!!! Ok this def isn't enough for all the effort, blood, sweat and tears you've put into your babies.

FIRST I DONT RLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY OMG this is such a sweet message i'm honestly so happy!! it's been a while since wicked throne has been mentioned in any of my blogs so it makes me extremely joyous receiving this ask today!!

+ yep omg wicked throne has a lot of talented artist AND I SWOON EVERY TIME SOMEONE DRAWS A FANART FOR THE FIC!! just the effort of sitting down and thinking of wanting to draw fanart for wt makes me want to cry !!

+ thank you so much for reading!! if i could i would sit down in a coffee shop w you too to talk about it!! it's a story i've been cultivating during the last few years and it's forever in my system <33 i'm just rly sad that i haven't the inspiration to continue it but it's gonna be finished one day !! thank u for ur support and rly any kind of interaction is more than enough for me so u don't have to leave kudos or anything! this ask is already a treasure to me. again thank you and i hope you're having a wonderful day!!

[lesbianhoran]

mist my love !! hi I hope you're doing well <3

I was listening to heartbreak whether today and i thought of u so I wanted to ask if u may provide a ranking of the album (with your thoughts) 🥰

anyways love u !!

hello myle beloved!!! <3 i hope you’ve been doing well too :)

thank you sm for this ask i am so honored to know that u thought of me 🥺

heartbreak weather!!! incredible work of art!!! & easily my fav solo 1d album. i am forever mourning the fact niall didn’t get to tour this album, the hbw era deserved so much more :( holding onto hope that i get to hear all these songs live one day!

ok i tried like 3 separate times to rank these songs so here is what i settled on :’) if i spent time at work trying to figure out my hbw ranking for u don’t tell my boss! including bonus tracks too btw !

16. put a little love on me im so sorry for putting u at the bottom miss pallom! i usually love a piano ballad n i do think this is a nice song but it just doesn’t hit for me the way the rest of the album does </3 i do love the lyrics though you can tell how much of his heart niall put into this one!

15. nice to meet ya i promise all the singles aren’t at the bottom... ntmy bangs it does & i loved it a lot as our first look into the album! the mv is fun too i loved the lil hints it dropped for hbw. for me it simply does not go as hard as the others </3

14. san francisco love the imagery of a soaking wet niall showing up at your doorstep. also i think this song works so well as a second-to-last song, especially following the storyline of the album. n it has nice vibes!!! just not the fave

13. dress a song i dont listen to often enough! it’s a lovely one tho and i love it as a little epilogue bit to hbw. did not realize how much i rly do enjoy it till this relisten

12. bend the rules the tension this song captures? delicious. also this song reminds me of traitor by olivia rodrigo but i can’t figure out any other songs to put in a playlist with these two

11. dear patience just me and the stars can get lonely 🥺..... i just love this being an open conversation to Patience itself... trying to figure out a new relationship... i love it

10. small talk niall horndog rights!!!!!!!!!!! that’s all

9. new angel my favorite of the hey angel/only angel/new angel 1d angel trinity!! a banger!!! a touch of someone else to save me from myself......

8. black and white this song hello???? so soft....... when will that be me........ honestly such a lovely song. <3<3 also i still think abt u saying this is a samcedes song bc you’re so right about that!!!

7. still okay i think we have entered top tier hbw territory! first of all “if honesty means telling you the truth” is an amazing lyric bc yes that is in fact the defintion bestie <3 but this song ???? this song is soo. im big on album closers and this one is so top tier imo. i very much love a whole “it was always you/im still in love with you” type vibe....... that always gets to me.... anyway i know this seems low on the list but trust me, absolute chef’s kiss to this song

6. nothing BANGER!!!!!!! SLAPS!!!!!!!!! so upset this is only on the deluxe edition bc i wish i listened to it more often </3 goes so hard i love it. incredible song to blast in the car with the windows down. NOTHING babey!!!

5. cross your mind ends my golden trio on hbw, tracks 9-11! this song slaps.... being all in for someone even when it hurts you.... give me all the pain! give me everything! don’t hold back! anyway i am listening to it again and it simply slaps so hard

4. heartbreak weather hi title track my beloved <33 this song makes me so happy :’) like.... it feels! different! when you’re! with me! just a bunch of snapshots of moments in love... it bops hard and i love it as a lil summertime song :) a fav of mine to just vibe to happily! also, niall storm my beloved

3. everywhere this post? precisely. i try and try to forget you but your mother thinks i’m the best for you??? insane. the franticness... the desperation.... not to mention it is a complete banger i rest my case

2. arms of a stranger much like everywhere, the desperation in this song is so chef’s kiss... it just smacks so hard i’m sorry i can’t be any more eloquent i just love this song!! so hurt that it’s less than 3 minutes long! it’s always the best songs! anyway a banger

1. no judgement there she is.... no judgement 4ever and always... genuinely one of my fav love songs ever it is So. like the love here is so..... the “we don’t have to prove nothin’” of it all????? i won’t be over it!!!! i don’t know she is just The Song i really could melt into it i love you no judgement <3

anyway!!! a bit of this could change but in essence, i love you heartbreak weather by niall horan <3 thank you so much again for this question myle :) 💗 and i am very curious to hear your thoughts too if you’d like to share!!!!

love u too!!! 💞

[sehunniepotwrites]

HAAAAAAAI i'm so glad i could bring a smile to your face in your day through my messages heheheheh ☺️ how was your day today!!!

omg is this telepathy or what! i was just considering and thinking of whether i wanted to pursue a masters after finishing up my undergrad degree studies!! hehe what's your masters in if it's not too private to ask 🫢 i was just thinking of doing masters because of my current timeline!! it's rly rly tuff to find a job here after graduating because the mkt is currently just kinda meh :/ so i was just wondering if perhaps going for masters would put me in a better spot!! but then again masters is something i can decide at a later time so rn im just gathering opinions from ppl who have taken it! wbu!! do u have any thoughts or opinions? :")

OMGGGGGG have i mentioned im a SUCKER for childhood besties concepts cuz that's just so so so cute 🥹🥹 I LOVE IT I CANT WAIT!!!! 😍 and my goodness how r u alw so creative w your ideas??? iM so unimaginative that like stories alw amaze me 🫢 hehehehe and HELLO wdym u have a life like a fic odnfoenfoke THATS SO COOL AND SWEET N LOVELY gosh i'd WISH i had like one thing from a fic ever happen to me 🥰🥰🥰🥰

AHHHH im so glad u could meet your friends and hang out together!! wish u had as much fun as u possibly could!! hehehehe how nice would it be if we could always be hanging out w our besties and just spending time together 🥺 hope you guys r meeting again soon!!! sounds rly rly fun to karaoke together it's been so so long for me to both karaoke and meet my friends cuz literally everyone im close to or care about is on exchange this semester :/

which brings me to my never ending rant of how despresso espresso i am this semester >< it's a rly tuff time in my life rn cuz im trying to navigate and find an internship that matches both my interest and my degree cuz it is a graduation requirement for me 🤡 i guess im at least getting somewhere w the search cuz i did have a pretti good offer lately! and im currently just pending the outcome of another role i interviewed for under the same company before making a decision (if i do get offered by the other role too heh) 😊 but then im just rly rly LONELY this semester and im just sad cuz im attending classes and doing everything by myself :/ and i dont have friends arnd locally rn that i could meet and just unwind after a period of stress so its rly draining me a lot on top of my never ending assignments projects and exams 🥲🥲 and yea ldr is so so tough and its so hard to keep my emotions in check because of how big of an overthinker i am so im always just having sleepless nights, constant nightmares and sometimes even sleep paralysis 🥲 i guess im becoming more independent from this whole experience though! forces me to become a whole even without everyone by my side and to continue living and functioning, doing what i should be doing!

i love coming to talk to u and reading all your responses too!! 🩵 m alw looking forward to your replies and your kind words to me hehehehe keeps me going!!!

love, 🍑

i've spent the weekend in bed becuase i'm sick again! i binged s2 of the summer i turned pretty and i cried a whole bunch. i love how they really took the angsty route this season--really showed how diff people deal with grief! probs gonna call out tomorrow because i've been sneezing like crazy and my voice is lowkey gone ;; i think i'm gonna try to get some writing done and post a teaser for a story that may never be completed but it's too good to just stay in my drafts!!

oh sure, i have my masters in education. i went thru a one year ma program with a teacher's cred tied into it too. my program was unique in that they condensed a two year prog into one accelerated and it was the toughest year of my life tbh. working full time as a teacher and going to school full time for basically two degrees was tough.

i love all my ideas but i haven't been able to finish them!!! i really want to get them out to the world bc theyre too good to sit in my drafts but it's so incomplete!! the one i am thinking about posting can be a standalone because its such an open-ended ending but there's still WAY more planned for it.

if you have time, playing games together online is a good way to keep in contact. we played pictionary on a website and it was super fun during the pandemic a lot!

it looks like youre slowly getting your ducks in a row for the internship despite the stress! but i see how missing your so and friends can affect your mood. feeling alone is never the best feeling and i totally see where you are coming from. but look at you, you're already looking at the positives out of your stressful situation! that's so great! you can only go up from here, you know? and listen, this is something i always tell my students, each person has their own timeline--their own time to make mistakes, to figure out what they want or need, etc. you may take longer than others but you don't need to worry about others. worry about you and focus on the things you can do for yourself to make you better. and if you make a mistake, that's just a lesson you can take. it's all about your growth mindset!

love u lots!!!

[soleilsuhh]

hihi faye!! i think dumblr's getting hungry again >:[ anyway, i started a kickboxing class and it's really fun! im not really an exercise person but ig its fun bc two family friends of mine are doing it too and theyre pretty cool. i'm not very good at kickboxing but at least im getting a workout! i'm mad sore from last class though 💀 also this is rly random but u remind me of the songs try again (by jaehyun ofc) and also bye bye my blue by baek yerin! theyre some of my fav songs so yeah! -🕴

hi angel ! kickboxing ooo that’s so incredibly sexc of you <33 i live for that soreness after working out but ik it can also be a literal pain sometimes so hope it goes away soon ! omg bestie i loooove those songs — baek yerin’s my spirit animal these days i adore her </3 you remind me of the song flowering by the band LUCY — it also reminds me of mark lee because of his iconic flowering the flowers hehe !

[tsukiyamavalentine]

GOING ON SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK: BE BACK IN A WEEK OR SOMETHING!

Hey, besties! So, I’m going on a break, as you can see. And before I go I wanted to come and say a lil tiny goodbye!

I take social media breaks every few months, but this is the first one I’ll be taking where I’m actively interacting with ppl on social media!

See, at the start of 2021, I didn’t talk to anyone online bc I was so anxious and awkward that I thought I’d just get shouted at, and I still worry abt that today.

As I’ve mentioned before, I suffer from chronic loneliness. I basically don’t talk to anyone irl ever. My mum is always working or too tired, and my dad is not a nice person and I don’t want to talk to him. I get to go out twice a week, and that’s dependant on where my parents want to go. I just spend my days studying, working out and doing yoga to distract myself from the fact that my entire life is one big lockdown.

So, I thought posting on social media would help with that! And it kinda has, but at the same time, it’s helped me realise that I’m really not good at socialising, and I mean…I’m autistic and I haven’t spoken to anyone in over four years. So yeah.

I get really bad anxiety sometimes online. Like, I think that everyone’s mad at me, or ignoring me for no reason, so I get upset, bc I don’t understand what I’ve done. And then I get angry bc I don’t understand why I’m being ignored, and then I get upset again.

Ik none of it’s true, and I don’t need anyone to tell me that. I’m aware of the fact that it’s not true, I just want it to stop. I just wish my brain could cope and deal with things normally, but it can’t so here we are.

Last week was a rly bad week for me. The whole week I just felt like everyone was mad at me me, that all of you wanted me off social media, out of the TG community, that I was annoying, that you guys were upset with me and I didn’t understand why, so I kept spiralling in and out of anger and sadness.

I couldn’t stop thinking abt it. Constantly, just nonstop thoughts abt it.

That’s why I’m taking a break.

I feel like the past few months I’ve rly made good progress socially, and I think I just need a lil break to refuel and spend time with myself. I hope u can understand.

I am hoping to have more irl social contact soon, so hopefully I will no longer spend my life in my bedroom, and hopefully I won’t feel like this anyway.

The only social media I will be keeping open is Discord, despite the fact that I think everyone in the servers hates me; I want to keep some sort of contact open. So if u have anything you’d like to say to me, please message my discord:

If u dm me on Tumblr and Instagram, I will not reply until I come back, bc I am logging out completely.

I know I said I would be releasing more playlists, but I am not happy with them yet so I’d like to do that when I come back!

If u see a post from me tomorrow; that post is SCHEDULED and I will tag it as such. I am not back, that’s just something I scheduled.

The only occasion in which I will stop my break will be if I release a chapter, but I released on yesterday so that wouldn’t happen.

So yeah. I’ve had a rly hard few months and I honestly think I just need to take some time away. I have some rly positive things coming up; I’m buying StudioVeena pole classes to help me progress, bc pole rly makes me feel so happy! That’s why I got upset with some of u last week. Bc it felt like u were making fun of one of the few things in my life that brings me joy, and then y’all made fun of the other thing that brings me joy…lol.

I’m also hoping to start doing schoolwork in a public library, swimming, and doing yoga outside! So hopefully things will get better for me soon.

I’m quite an optimistic person, so all I’m trying to do is keep my head up and keep pushing through this hard period.

I hope you all have a lovely week, and I’ll see you soon!

[icharchivist]

hello icha!! i finally got around to finishing the stranger haha,, by which i mean i just watched it today. was veryyyy excited for it as i really like the poster design for this one. anyways. this event starting w/ the sort of portrait format or whatever / that narration is like. god. threw me right back to autumn troupe. I kind of love that the storytelling format itself is so distinct for autumn! the moment I realized it was omi I started getting teary… like oh man oh man… omi…. And the connection with him taking photos! ahh!! now that I think about it… omi kind of seems a bit like early version tsumugi, huh? also I keep forgetting this man is a college student lol. suspension of disbelief I suppose. onto the play i think like. mankai should invest in a fainting courch for tsuzuru. i also went to watch the play and 1) im betting yuki had a hell of a time costume design wise like the vines on the body? such fun costuming wise and 2) the ethical implications of whatever this play has,,, fun fun. tsuzuru was clearly having some kind of thoughts. i love zeros design and am always up for a3 characters crossdressing bc 1) i think its fun and 2) the costume design. i also dearly wish this whole thing was animated bc I feel like it’d be o fun to see taichi act as zero. or at least I hope this event gets full voiced one day... moving on to the scene where omi adds soy sauce to the paella I know it’s just like haha homare funny so lets five him a lil bit but like everyone in autumn troupe making their comments on the paella and like homare just jumping in. homare autumn troupe besties. just thinking. also the way they just r like. no no no omi it’s fine if u made a mistake!! it’s ok! we like it (you) anyways <3 it’s got it’s own special taste. something something omi’s perfectly pleasant as he is now but even if he weren’t on his a-game and was dealing with all of the biker gang stuff they would love him just as hard. another thing that got me was omi telling banri that he’ll give him something sweet so juza will stop grinding his teeth in his sleep… guys… guys you’ll give him cavities…. mb omi is a college student after all lol.

anyways when i saw the actual costumes. appreciative of them, i like the lil circuit-esque detailing on banri’s outfit, and that sakyo and taichi (nine and zero) both share that like collar detail? its very symbolic and probably also literal but its a nice way to sort of signify their relation to each other visually! also sakyo just looks nice. seeing him without glasses is so great. whoever thought up the like two mole detail for him was doing gods work.

something that confused me was ryo mistaking juza for nachi for a split second? like. does juza… look similar to nachi? or was it just that ryo only heard juzas voice and made that mistake. if it’s appearance wise too. kumon nachi confirmed. I’m joking lol bc I feel like I would’ve heard at least something abt it in one of the like small conversation comments, plus that doesnt seem like itd fit summer troupes style and kumon is for sure the wrong age… but still.

i really like how for this event, the roles for taichi and omi were kinda reversed. and taichis just so like. idk. smiley. rly lifts ur spirits. its kind of nice how this event contrasts to that cg where taichi is crying on omi. I also think like. idk. considering the story of the stranger. wolf gives zero a sense of purpose and life and I think that zero helps wolf lose his apathy. it’s about “the stranger” and the ending makes him like… not a stranger, right? because he’s got a companion. in the same way, taichi brings omi out of his emotional isolation. the picture taking! also the stickers coming back… thats such a good setup! the found family of it all!!

when he was trying to work out zeros character as soon as taichi mentioned a sharp speaking style I KNEW it was Yuki… yuki would never be as honest as zero is though lol… to me i imagine she’s got a sort of juza internal monologue feel? anyways. the taichi yuki dynamic intrigues me. havent yet decided how I feel abt it but when I do… yes. sorry that I make literally no sense. I think it’s very obvious that yuki is my fav chara kind of? I’m just. hmmm it makes me think! I’ve been monologuing to myself abt the yuki and juza dynamic lately which, to my a3 knowledge so far, doesn’t exist, but its ok bc I’ll make it exist! uhhh anyways this event was very good i liked the pacing. i think it didnt drag too hard and it really properly honed in on just omi and taichi, which was quite nice. they really did a lot for just an event!

time to listen to the event song,,, ok so. ah. i rly enjoyed just for myself it was very much to my taste so. out of curiousity i was like ok lemme look up the composer / producer AND IT WAS YUYOYUPPE....... that guy is like!!!! one of my FAV producers ever!!!!!! i know him from like. his vocaloid days and god leia is still one of my fav songs to this day...! this knowledge gives me so much joy omg!!! like wow!! wowwww!!! like i knew yuyoyuppe was out there doing other stuff (i know he worked on a lot of babymetal music which is cool) but like idk. to suddenly encounter it like this. heheh.... its so nice! made me soooo happy. going to relisten to leia now haha

WAIT ONE MORE THING. i was like "haha let me look at other songs i remember liking a lot" which. for me was rakuen oasis and don't cry. anyways. rakuen oasis is ALSO by yuyoyuppe???? oh my god!!! oh my god... sigh. feel like im in heaven.

OH HI FRIEND!! so good to see you with an a3 update!! :D

godd yeah The Stranger started so strongly and the idea to still incorporate portraits in his story was really something to make us cry!

And linking Omi and Tsumugi like this is pretty interesting :O <hat is your reasoning exactly? :O

For the fainting couch for Tsuzuru LMAO and i'm letting you know there's a webcomics that addresses it in Act 2 (hough there's no spoilers aside from the fact Chikage is here)

Im glad you liked the costume and the play!!! yeah i love the designs and it is always a blast to see them this into it, and yeaaah Tsuzuru has thoughts huh. It'll get voiced sooner than later hopefully and there we'll see more in details :3c but also that's what made the seiyuu live so fun bc they perform the songs in play cosplay and replay a bit of the play everytime and it's *chief kiss*

HOMARE AUTUMN TROUPE SOLIDARITY YES. LOVING IT.

And yeah the scene itself was so cute TwT they all want to reassure Omi and be there for him it's so sweet :( but yeah i love how you say it all, Omiimi TwT

and dLKFJDFLKJFDFD Giving Juza cavities is the price to pay for sleep i guess??

yeah agreed on the costume they all look so cool! and nice catch on how those three seem linked like that with their costumes, Yuki (and the designers) does such a good job! and god yeah for Sakyo.. yeah. He has sucha good design dLKJFDF

aND DLKFJD yeah no Juza is supposed to look like Nachi physically, but mostly his face? like i think Nachi was had green hair? we see a sprite of him in a future story, and yeah, everything is in the eyebrows. so Kumon should be safe? Omi mentions he sees a lot of Nachi in Juza, and while it is mostly due to their passions i think, the fact they're also rough looking guy with a heart of gold must play a part as well. but yeah, he does look like Nachi a bit.

and i love your deeper analysis of the event yeah!!

I feel like Taichi is really an emotional core of the troupe in the sense that is, he tends to catch on what others are feelings easily. And he uses it in the early chapters to ease off the tensions and stuff, but he was being held back by knowing he was deceiving them. So now that he's more free, he can be more of himself. but yeah i also love the contrast with how Omi was the one to help Taichi through his breakdown and guilt, and now it's the other way around, it's Taichi helping him through it. and the parallelism between the play and their dynamic is spot on imo! well said!!

and god yeah the sticker things made me cry sO HARD, and the pictures! and everything!! sobs it's such a sweet found family i'm going to cry :(

And! i love what you say about Yuki, Taichi and Juza on this one. I love that Taichi keeps bringing it back to "that childhood friend" and it's always like. so obvious who it is for us rip. But it can make you wonder if Yuki was more honest as a kiddo when Taichi knew him, though now he's clearly not. I love the mention of how Zero is more like Juza's internal speech (which, if anything is another argument about why you should let Juza wear a dress, cOWARD)

but also your mention of the Yuki and Juza thing, while i can't think of them having a dynamic per se yet, but i actually wrote a post during my reread about how i was baffled at the fact they treated Muku the same way?? like both of them tried to push Muku away because they were scared of how people would react if they say pure, sweet Muku was associated to them. And i find it fascinating because i guess those two are pretty aware of how the world see them, and it used to stop them from fully allowing them to be themselves.

I also find it relevant with the fact Yuki says in his personal song that while all of this way people judge him weight on him, he rather be himself, and "I want to love myself". Meanwhile we have Juza who's also aware of the way people judge him and it weight on him, and he wants to change himself from this person he hates, this self loathing - and in a way, he can grow in a way to be "someone" he may not hate, even on stage. I feel like those two have quite a bit in common in this way of being rejected by their peers in some sort of way.

I really want them to share some stuff at some point because there's really a groundwork on it all :(

But i'm really glad you liked that event!! agreed on the pacing and i do love what it brings to the characters! it really fleshes them out and have them move forward a little and it's pretty sweet.

AND OMG THAT'S SO COOL FOR THE SONG!! i'm so glad you liked it, but that's incredible it turned out to be from one of your fav producer!!! ahah sometimes life is like that where you end up finding the stuff you loved back into new stuff! and the fact Rakuen Oasis was from him as well... that's so cool!!! just, so so cool!

im pretty sure he has more songs going forward so i hope you'll enjoy the ride even more!!

thank you once again for sharing your thoughts about a3 :3c it always makes me so happy to see them!!!

Thank youu <3 have a good day :3c

[baekhvuns]

Don’t worry a lot of us like reading what you’re talking about with your anons 😂

Take your time, it only matters that you like it and you’re satisfied with it. You don’t have to feel pressure. We’ll like it any way because everything you write is so good!

Yes hot pink and dark brown, it sounds weird but it looked okay because of that dark brown. If it was lighter ewwww

Thank youuu but I always get back to blonde it just suits me the best, I’m so pale 😭

I cut it short to try to make it healthier but won’t do it ever again hhahah maybe I will but this time I cut it reaaaally short I’m not used to this. I was obsessed with Hwasa’s short hair in the last comeback and showed it to my hairdresser to do it like that and she CUT IT S H O R T.

My whole family, mom’s side, has beautiful thick hair, my sister too and then there’s me. I got it from my dad I guess. It’s so thin it will never be like theirs so I’m always looking for something new to make it healthier 😔

I’m getting blonde highlights cause I’m going baaaack.

OMG DARK BROWN WITH RED UNDERTONE OK YOU’RE SO PRETTTYYYY. It may be ‘basic’ but it looks so good on some people and it’s okay if you don’t do anything with your hair. You’re beautiful!! I wish I could pull off my natural hair colour, it’s brown. Darker but not like yours, I wish it was.

I’m jealous of you.

-🥀

HIHI!!

Don’t worry a lot of us like reading what you’re talking about with your anons 😂

BEMWHDKW i hope it is 😭😭😭 bc it rly just be me crying over seonghwa with every single person 😭😭😭😭

Take your time, it only matters that you like it and you’re satisfied with it. You don’t have to feel pressure. We’ll like it any way because everything you write is so good!

it’s already been 3 months 😭😭😭 it’ll be up soon tho so thank u so so much for this <3 <3 <3 !!!!

Yes hot pink and dark brown, it sounds weird but it looked okay because of that dark brown. If it was lighter ewwww

BFWMDBKE AT LEAST U PULLED IT OFF!! i truly could never jdjdjd id def get smacked if i dyed my hair pink 😭😭😭😭

Thank youuu but I always get back to blonde it just suits me the best, I’m so pale 😭

jVDNWBDKS have u tried mayhaps if i may show these ✨✨✨✨ (all these wish lists r from my pintrest and i shove them to ppl so they get it done and look pretty so i can see irl) this is so fun ive always wanted to talk abt hair colours with someone dbdb like brown and blond hair lights !!

I cut it short to try to make it healthier but won’t do it ever again hhahah maybe I will but this time I cut it reaaaally short I’m not used to this. I was obsessed with Hwasa’s short hair in the last comeback and showed it to my hairdresser to do it like that and she CUT IT S H O R T.

GRMWHDEK NAURRRRRR 😭😭😭😭 hwasa’s hair was already so short 😭😭😭 FIRE UR HAIRDRESSER 😭🔫🔫🔫 omg but face framing truly changes the game 🤌🏼

My whole family, mom’s side, has beautiful thick hair, my sister too and then there’s me. I got it from my dad I guess. It’s so thin it will never be like theirs so I’m always looking for something new to make it healthier 😔

(coconut) oiling def helps!! like massaging it to ur roots for a hood few minutes, a day or hours before u take a hair bath always works !!! tea tree oil also helps! NAURRR UR DAD DBDBDB

I’m getting blonde highlights cause I’m going baaaack.

OMF FBWMBFKWHDKW BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS R SO PRETTY 😭😭😭😭

OMG DARK BROWN WITH RED UNDERTONE OK YOU’RE SO PRETTTYYYY. It may be ‘basic’ but it looks so good on some people and it’s okay if you don’t do anything with your hair. You’re beautiful!! I wish I could pull off my natural hair colour, it’s brown. Darker but not like yours, I wish it was.

DBWNDBEJ ITS BASIC AS IN IVE NEVER DYED IT 😭😭😭😭 iT IS RLY PRETTY BUT GRRR IM RLY BORED OF IT FBFB omg girlie brown hair with blond hair lights r 😩😩😩🤲🏼 you’d literally look so pretty in it bestie i swear

I’m jealous of you.

omg no don’t be pls im jealous of ur hairstyling choices bc 🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼😮‍💨😮‍💨

[xiaojuun]

i haven't seen much abt international dcp, but i know they have a summer working program which we did consider doing with a friend.. but we never did at least not yet also i have not read that but i'll look it up!! I actually just saw the disney fireworks live through youtube hehe 💓

ah hyunsuk is really my bestie 💖 the original bias since mixnine lmao i might only know treasure since october but i watched mixnine in 2019 i think so <3 he's got my heart for longer 🥰❤️ i've seen the pilates video but now i wanna watch it again bc jikyu <3 plus i've done yoga and stuff like that (like most people probably) so i find it so funny to see other people doing it

i'm gonna go to sleep soon so!! hope you sleep well 💖✨ love youuuuuu 🥰

~🍯

ooo yeah that could b rly fun ! i mean it isss the most magical place on earth after all ~

omg mixnine i never watched it but i have heard the Lore and watched ygtb . mixnine is actually so crazy to me bc it has SO many groups/members that i know & love now but it just seems like a completely different world ... but yes i love ur longtime holding hands-ship with choi <3 omg so i actually used to teach pilates and i find it hilarious that jihoon is a) so into it and b) at the end of that vid when he's like "we did that wrong" i'm like yes u did sweetie . yes u did JSBGHJFB but yeah that video is just a classic, jikyu my beloved etc !

sleep well bestaaaay i'm gonna rewatch tmaps again before i go to bed myself JSBGHJA 💓

[werewolveonsen]

3 Fandoms!

Got tagged by the lovely @just-a-secret-helper​  ma bestie on this whooole site! luv u boo 

Rules: Choose any three fandoms and answer the questions, then tag 10 people you want to know better

Top 3 Fandoms:

1. BNHA

2. One Piece

3. Shaman King

The first character you loved:

1.Deku!! Could relate to him to some level, and i loved the hard work he put in not losing his kindess on the way! A real role-model if u ask me

2. That’s gotta be Sanji! He’s so COOL! Always sticking by his principles even if it kills him (which happens more often than u’d think), not to mention he is a badass cook! I almost gave up on my plan on becoming a doctor to try becoming a chef, but then Chopper hit me like a truck.

3. THAT’S GOTTA BE YOH! My boy! I love him so much! All he wants is to have a chill life and hoo boy, can i relate to that. And just like him i got on the hardest path possible for that... we are not the brightest heheheheh!

The character you never expected to love so much:

1. Id say Kirishima! Dude is a simple jock on the outside but he’s acutally very uncertain of himself and that is relatable af! Comparing himself to those around him all the time and still trying to become as good as possible! Neve give up Kirishima! Im rooting for u bud!

2. Id say Robin... ever since she joined the crew i was suspicious and not exactly sure what her role there was. But after Enies Lobby she grew a lot on me and now i rly like her! Not to mention that her knowledge will be useful to get to Laftel, im sure of it.

3. Not gonna lie, im not usually a fan of villains. Usually am with the ppl on “cool story, still murder” vibe. But Hao is SO FUCKING PRECIOUS! I mean, he HAS to make up for all the shitstorm he made to get to where he is imo. But after readin Mappa Douji, u will have to think twice on his beliefs.

The character you relate to the most:

1. Tbh id say Kirishima! Upon closer inspection id say the boy has too much going on and still trying his darnest, cant be more relatable than that ehehhehe

2.  Tbh ive felt too much like a monster in my lifetime not to relate to Chopper. Wanting to fit in when surrounded by ppl who dont give u even a small chance at being a friend is rough and by the time i got to Chopper’s arc in OP i was feeling like that in school. Everytime i watch those few episodes of Hiluluk flashback i have to hold out on crying a bit, part bc of feeling like u want to fit in and part bc their relationship reminds me a lot of me and my dad and hoo boy am i gonna cry now

3. Chocolove. Sad but going for the smiles! Make comedy your weapon and any weapons fall before your hand made kangaroo 

The character you’d slap:

1. Everyone would say Mineta. Id punch him tho. Bakugo on the other hand deserves a backhanded slap to the face!! Im from the not so well recieved opinion that the whole bullying he put deku through was not smth to be treated as lightly and even tho i get it that this is a lighter themed show, i would rly like for this toppic to be adressed sometime soon. I agree, however, that he is just a kid and should not be held accountable for this through his whole life, but to me, he still hasnt come to the conclusion that what he did was wrong. i dunno, i just want them to get along, but i need more development on this part reggarding bakugo

2. Luffy, of course. He is a great guy, dont get me wrong, but he NEEDS to learn to be a bit more careful. He almost dies with such a frequency that ANY insurance company would turn down ALL Gold Roger’s treasure if they had to take him in

3. Hao tbh. If he’d just go through the Shaman Fight like everybody else he would have won. Didnt need to fuck up half the character’s backstories just to do that.

Three Favourite Characters (In Order of Preference):

1. Deku, Aizawa, Nedzu 

2.Chopper, Sanji, Ussop

3. Matamune, Yoj, Chocolove

A Character You Liked At First But Don’t Anymore:

1. Id say Shigaraki Tomura... i kinda liked the whole bratty vilain trope, but now he’s just outshined by everyone else hehehe

2. Im kinda sorry to say Vivi... I rly miss having her in action, i hope she gets to travel alongside them again sometime soon

3.Tao Ren, he was ok as a rival and all, but when he  Vegeta’ed he lost a bit of the impact i thought he would have. A powerfull ally, yes, but he wasnt exactly my favourite as one of yoh’s allies

Three OTP’s:

1. Ozuocha, Todomomo, Kouteri (thanks tumblr)

2. Franky/Robin ; Sanji/Pudding ; Chopper/ That reindeer mink (yeee)

3. Yoana ; Ren/Jeanne ; Jun/Lee

Ye im not gonna tag anyone (mostly cuz i don rly have many friends in here that i talk to a lot [except for A, of course]) but feel free to try this, its a fun exercise, also, tag me so i can look at chu, will ya? 

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.