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daichinom · 5 months

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LAST REFUGE

chap. 1 Daryl Dixon x Grimes Reader Season 1

⚠️Warning: spoilers, blood, mentions of death and suicide, medical terms, angst, typical TWD violence and gore, vomiting, child injury, allusions to gunshot wound

FlashBack

You were sitting at the coffee table where you were, with your computer on and your books and study notebooks, you were about to finish your medical degree and in a few weeks it was going to be your final exam for your career as a general practitioner, You were beyond stressed and eager to devour all the books you had along with your notes.

Suddenly, you felt the vibration of your cell phone against the part of your thigh, making your mind stop focusing on the text on the monitor, you took your cell phone out of your bag and saw that it was Lori, your sister-in-law.

You couldn't help but frown for a second, sometimes Lori called you because she used to argue with Rick about something and you already knew how your brother was, just like you.

So you preferred to listen to her and sometimes almost ignore her while you were cooking or doing something, but now you were busy, so out of courtesy you answered her.

-"Hello? Lori?"

-"Y/N… Hello… Hey, I need to tell you something… It's about Rick"-

She was agitated, you could barely hear a tremor in her voice over the line.

-"Go ahead, what's up Lori?"

-"When I went to get Carl from school, Shane came and… He told me that Rick had been shot"-

Your mind was left processing that last part.

Rick. Got. Shot.

-"I-I understand… Where are you now? Have you already gone to see him? Do you want me to stay with Carl?"

Your brain quickly abandoned the importance of studying, your family was more important in this case.

-"Please… It would be nice to have you"-

Was all you heard from Lori, and then you said yes and hung up.

FlashForwards

Since Shane had "saved" them from the road, you had been more comfortable in a certain way, more and more people joined in, needing shelter and Shane for a moment became the "leader".

You trusted Shane, you'd known him for a long time, and you sometimes questioned his actions, but you felt like he was doing what was best for everyone.

As for you, you were carrying a basket of clean clothes, ready to hang and dry with the help of the sun, while you did so, Lori stayed by your side.

-"This washing without a washing machine is so overwhelming"- you heard her say, -"yeah, of course"- you answered her, without looking at her, continuing with your thing, that didn't stop Lori from looking at you, -"hey… I'm sorry, It hurts me too.."- Lori said, covering that topic that still made your heart tighten. -"Yes?, I guess it hurts all of us"- you answered, while you looked at her, -"please… If it's because of Shane…"- Lori said, it hadn't taken you long to realize how many times Shane and Lori disappeared, but that wasn't a bother as such, and you made it clear to her while you placed her hand on her shoulder, -"it doesn't bother me, I can understand how you feel…I'm just…I still can't get over it…" - you answered, looking into her eyes, trying to convey your emotions, Lori nodded and hugged you, as a small consolation.

-"Sometimes I wish everything were different.."- you murmured, she ran her hand along your back, pampering you with human and maternal affection, the morning slowly became late, you were washing the last batch of clothes that had been washed. hanging out on the river, along with Jacqui, it was nice to have her, she was a woman with insightful comments.

-"I miss my washer and quick dryer set"- you heard her say as she sank the clothes back into the water, -"me too, faster and more effective"- you answered.

Suddenly, you heard a high-pitched, familiar voice, -"Aunt Y/N, Aunt Y/N!"- you turned and saw Carl, straightening up for a moment, -"what's wrong little one?"- you asked your nephew, - "Shane says come back, there are two men with very big guns" - that was enough for you and Jacqui to get up and pick up the amount of clothes, to hell with that, this was more important.

-"Guide me, honey" - you said to Carl, both of you going up the path of large rocks, when you arrived, you left the basket of clothes aside, grouping yourself with the others, Lori received you with her gaze, Carl was next to you, hugging your hip, it was Shane with his rifle aimed at two men, one had a pistol and the other a crossbow.

-"What's going on here?" - you asked, the gazes of Shane and the two men stayed with you, Shane and the guy with the crossbow moved away in the second but the guy with the gun didn't, on the contrary, it was as if he wanted to keep it as long as possible, disgusting.

-"These guys appeared out of nowhere"- Shane explained without taking his eyes off them, -"what do they want from here?"- You asked the two men, looking at them, -"Oh, sweetheart, we just saw a place full of people and. "We've been alone for a while and we like what we see here" - the man who kept looking at you with predatory eyes spoke, in an attempt to sweeten the ear, you looked at Shane, who didn't know whether to shoot or lower the gun. In the end, he opted for the second.

-"Because of your weapons... are both good at hunting?"- Shane asked, the one with the crossbow lowered his weapon and looked at him defiantly, but he did not speak, his silence was adapted to a "yes", - "well, you guys are left in exchange for giving us meat"- Shane sighed, the two men saw each other and the one with the predatory face shook his shoulders at the one with the crossbow, - "what are their names?" - Shane asked, - "Merle Dixon, he is my brother Daryl" - said the supposed man, pointing his thumb at the man with the crossbow.

#twd #the walking dead #twd daryl #daryl x reader #daryl fanfiction #daryl dixon #the walking dead daryl #twd season 1 #the walking dead game #the walking dead negan #the walking dead telltale #the walking dead the ones who live #rick grimes

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urhoneycombwitch · 26 days

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love ur roommate Eddie but also all the time spent together between sexy times stresses me out

at least with husky neighbor Eddie he's across the hall and if you're not in the mood to see him, then you don't have to

but roommate Eddie is literally in. your. walls.

what about when you just have ugly days when your hair is a mess and you walk around the apartment smelling a lil before you hop in the shower

what about when either of you get sick and it's real nasty?

is there only one bathroom?? do y'all gotta coordinate times???

what if he insists on putting the toilet paper the wrong way around???!!! what about the hair clogged in the shower drain!!

what about the arguing and the tension and the resentment that arises from sharing a space with someone on the worst of days??

like maybe Eddie is the best roommate to ever fictionally exist ever but I can only imagine that there's gotta be some issues that arise especially when they're blurring the boundaries

and roommate!reader seems really strict and anal (same) with her rules so I figure that also extends to sharing a space

I know it's normally default to want to imagine that they figure everything out and live happily ever after, but do you see roommate!Eddie and reader being long term? how do they work out their issues with both sharing a space and finding footing with their agreement? what's the first problem to arise? and if they don't work out, what to do think is the largest issue/ what finally breaks them apart?

anon I love love love this. thanks for asking the nitty gritty questions they are so IMPORTANT!!

okay full transparency, when I started writing for roommate!Eddie I absolutely used the fic logic of “everything is perfect here” because I wanted to focus more on the relational/emotional aspect of two people who have already learned how to share a space. at the time, I think the first meeting/time it took to iron out issues were less interesting to me from a writing standpoint. however, I certainly had the framework for their backstories in the back of my head while i wrote!

I’ll share my thoughts below for those who are interested in the roommate!Eddie+roommate!Reader story. but also don’t hold me to anything I say here for future stories bc my personal canon is subject to change. lol.

in this no-magic Big City AU of mine, I imagined reader and Robin meeting in college and becoming good friends. you were in a horrifically boring history class together (Robin for her smarty-pants Psych/Art double degree and you for a Literature degree) and started hanging out outside of school. by proxy, you also hang out with Steve, Robin’s roommate, and by the time the three of you graduate you’re all good friends.

and then you’re staring down the barrel of a mostly useless degree, a shit ton of college debt, and nowhere to go. you land a job at a local publishing company, but it’s mostly boring and corporate and doesn’t pay for a two-room apartment in the heart of the city. which is unfortunate, because your last roommate (a nightmare by all accounts. quite literally never learned how to clean up after herself) moved out a month ago and you need the extra income to keep the space.

enter Steve’s mysterious friend Eddie. whom you’ve only heard wild stories about. apparently, he’s looking for a room- and according to Robin, he’s “well-mannered for a boy”. you ask a million questions before agreeing to meet with him (neither Steve or Robin gave you a straight answer as to the guy’s career which is weird…), and you make it really clear you’re not in the mood to be screwed over. or stuck with an unlivable situation.

but your friends assure you it’ll be a good fit. and when you meet for drinks later that week, Eddie is extremely charming and honest. tells you he is, in fact, in the drugs business, but promises it never follows him home. he agrees to all your house rules. he also flirts a lot. but you learn to take that with a grain of salt.

so Eddie moves in and yeah, absolutely there’s an adjustment period. learning the rhythms of each other’s days and nights, figuring out how to split household duties, all the mundane shit that comes w/ a new roommate. there’s an awful first winter where the heat goes out; you two alternate getting colds and stomach flus, multiple nights spent sweating over the toilet or kitchen sink (one bathroom is a KILLER for the sick season).

there’s a camaraderie that forms after those sucky cold months. you absorb into each other’s lives, friend groups, spaces that extend outside of your apartment. you become real, actual friends who enjoy each other’s company.

and also? Eddie is happy to appease. he’s not a pushover, but he is really respectful of you and your space. he puts effort into learning your little quirks, or things that tick you off (there are a lot). you both figure out early on that open communication is the best policy. Eddie’s the type to tell you if there’s something he doesn’t like or wants to change, so neither of you end up holding secret quiet grudges.

which is why I think reader finds this whole attraction thing so scary (and uses rules as a defense mechanism sorry I wrote my own OCD into this!! lmao) like Oh, fuck. if this goes sideways, if we have a big fight or fall in and out of love and can’t be in the same room anymore… we’d have to move. I’d have to say goodbye to the best roommate I’ve ever had. our shared friend groups would be dispersed. it would be devastating on so many levels.

anyways. here’s the masterlist if u read this far and want it ;)

#lu’s anons #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #roommate!Eddie

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saninthebuilding · 2 years

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"i want to walk this path with you"

summary: in which you have reached your breaking point after one too many hits from the universe, and jungkook is there to help you get back up

wc: 2.1k

warnings: swearing, emotions, angst to fluff, hurt/comfort, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of family issues, an allusion to su!c!d3, rough head-space, verbal abuse-ish, mentions of weight and self-image, best friends to lovers, jungkook is the best-friend-turned-boyfriend alive

a/n: honestly, it's a self-indulgent long fic that i wrote for myself because these days haven't been too good. the fact that he went live today really boosted my mood, and this fic really shows how much of a lifesaver he is for me. without him, i don't know what i'd do. my life literally revolves around him. he is everything to me.

a/n 2.0: edited and wc updated!

today was not a good day.

when i woke up this morning i could already tell something was off. as if the universe were a chess player looking down at my pawn on the board, contemplating whether or not they should knock me down today, only to cackle aloud and tip me over.

and i had been right.

nothing had seemed to go my way today. my insecurities surrounding my image finally resurfaced due to the ongoing conversations my friend group has been having about weight and eating habits and fashion trends. my parents had been making it worse for the past few weeks, one day berating me for eating too much and the next scolding me for eating too little.

or really just yelling at me for random stuff every now and then. it was as though the stress they were dealing with at work (and from my younger brother who made it his life mission to make everyone miserable on a daily basis) was being taken out on me all the time.

of course, i couldn't forget the overflow of assignments and classwork i had to finish on a daily basis. with little to no motivation, it was proving to be really hard to start one thing, let alone complete everything.

and then there was fact that i was starting to feel more out of place in my own skin as the days went by.

it was like everything was too fast and too loud and too bright, but at the same time too slow and too quiet and too dull. it was as if one second everything mattered a little too much, and then suddenly nothing mattered at all.

at least there was no one around to witness me crumbling. my parents had left for a business trip earlier, and my younger brother was out with his friends. being a senior in high school, they had deemed me capable of looking after him for a few days, not knowing it was only adding more strain on my shoulders.

soon, i could feel the build-up of the multiple things i had been facing start to erupt, so when i stepped into the kitchen to try and make myself a quick dinner, i wasn't too surprised to find out that me dropping my bowl of ramen on the floor was my last straw.

then again, i suppose it had been a little too hot.

staring down at the now shattered china, my eyes watered as i took in the noodles splattered across the tiled kitchen floor.

"at least i didn't put too much broth this time" i choke out in an attempt to make myself feel better in this empty house.

it didn't work.

i felt the tightness in my chest grow, fuled off all the emotions i had been hiding for weeks now, begging to be let out. the pinching in my throat was unbearable as i felt the unavoidable onslaught of tears blur my vision.

please.

i give in.

sinking down to my knees by the mess of noodles and broth and china, in the daunting quiet of this house that no longer felt like a home, i heaved a shuddering breath.

and i cried.

sobs racked through my body with uncontrollable force as my tears streamed down my cheeks and into my lap. my hands began to shake, and i pressed my palms to the tiles, taking advantage of their ice-cold feel. my chest hurt to the point where i couldn't breathe, and i wasn't sure why eveything sounded so loud all of a sudden.

a shrill buzz jolted me out of my daze, and i sniffled, turning my head in its direction.

my...phone?

half-crawling, half-dragging myself across the kitchen, i pulled my phone off the counter.

i let out another sob seeing the caller id.

kookie

it was as if he knew.

i pick up as i try to get my breathing under control.

"jungkook" i whisper, my voice coming out shaky and strained.

"y/n?"

i let out another sob hearing his voice, quiet and concerned and oh so soft.

"hey, hey, what's going on? are you alright? where are you right now?"

he's panicking, and i hear rustling from the other end which tells me he's throwing a hoodie on.

"...in my kitchen" i mumble, eyes going back to my now-unedible dinner.

"just wait for me," he breathes, "i'll be there in 5 minutes. i'm gonna stay on the line, but just wait for me, ok? can you do that for me?"

"mhm."

i hear a door slamming, and then heavy footsteps.

suddenly i realize how late it is- around 11:30pm. the fact that jungkook is leaving when it's this dark, that also to come see me, starts to worry me.

"kook it's really late. what if-"

my anxiety must have been evident in my voice, because he's instantly calming me down.

"baby, i'm perfectly fine. i see your house ok. i'll just use the spare key in your garage. i'll be right there."

my heart skips a beat at the pet name he occasionally uses for me. i'm sure he means it as a term of endearment, but it's hard to control myself when i've had feelings for him since we were kids.

and to make my situation even better, he's my best friend.

i let out a choked laugh at how i was crying one second and smiling the next.

"what's wrong? are you ok?"

although his voice comes through the phone, i suddenly hear muffled jangling of keys from the other side of the door, and a lock clicks open. i lift my head to the entrance, and see jeon jungkook standing in my doorway.

he takes in my defeated state, and the hand clutching his phone slowly slips down from where he was holding it to his ear, arm hanging loosely at his side.

he's silent, and i stay where i am, still crouched on the cold tiled floor. my eyes drift to his flushed cheeks and heaving chest, before noticing that his hair looked fluffier due to having faced the wind on his way here.

he's so beautiful.

"oh y/n" he whispers, before kicking his shoes off and rushing towards me. he drops down to his knees in front of me, before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest.

i cling onto him, biting on my bottom lip to keep my sobs under control as the tears start falling again. his hands are rubbing up and down my back, before he pulls back to hold my face in his hands.

"what happened?" he asks, voice shaky as i see his own eyes glistening. "who did this to you? what's wrong? talk to me, baby, i'm here now."

"i'm so tired jungkook" i whisper, the words twisting my gut. "i'm so fucking tired and i don't know how to fix it."

his fingers brush away the salt water streaming down my cheeks, and his face is mirroring the pain i feel in my heart.

"i've tried everything, i've done all i could for everyone in every possible way but it's never enough. nothing is enough, and it's only now that i realize that it will never be enough. i don't even know what they want from me anymore, jungkook, i-"

i let out a sob, and he instantly pulls me into his arms, rocking us gently. "shh y/n, i've got you."

"-and my parents keep yelling and my brother treats me like shit even though i try so hard to make sure he doesn't end up like me, and all anyone's talking about is their image and i'm so uncomfortable with myself, and then school is even more stressful-"

"hey, no no no, y/n, you're not-" jungkook tries to butt in, eyes wide and wet, but i just shake my head hard.

"it's too much jungkook" i plead, voice cracking, "it's too much and i don't know how much longer i can take it."

at this jungkook freezes, staring at me in what seems to be fear. a tear slips down his cheek, and i feel my heart break even more when i realize that i'm the reason he's crying.

"oh no, jungkook" i whisper, and this time it's me that wipes his tears, "please don't cry, i can't see you cry because of me."

he sniffles, rubbing a hand over his face and then over my own, before helping me stand up. holding my hand, he pulls me behind him as he grabs the broom, and keeps holding it as he shoves the mess on the floor into the dustpan and then the garbage. i grab the mop, still clutching his hand in mine, and swipe down the leftover broth that was still on the floor.

placing everything back, jungkook stands with me in the middle of the kitchen, quiet. i keep my gaze on our entwined fingers, unable to meet his gaze.

it's the first time i've broken down this bad in front of him, and i was afraid of what he would say next.

i don't know what i'd do if he walked away from me too.

eventually he breaks the silence.

"how long?"

startled at the serious tone of his voice, i look up to see him staring at our hands. his jaw is clenched, and although his eyes are still shiny there's a sharpness in them.

"...a few weeks now" i whisper.

he's silent again, but this time when he looks at me his gaze is full of anger- for me.

"and your self-hate?"

i wince slightly, feeling a bit embarrassed.

"...long before that. it kinda just overflowed today..."

"did i..." jungkook swallows hard, as though the question he were trying to ask was hurting him.

"did i make you feel like that?"

my eyes go wide- how could he even think that? i pull him to me, hands covering his own as i shake my head.

"what- no! no, never! kook, sweetheart, you-" i breath out, upset that he even thought he had hurt me.

"if anything you're the only thing that keeps me going."

as soon as i say this, it's as though something in his gaze changes. suddenly his hands are on my waist, and he's lifting me up like i weigh nothing. gently resting me on the kitchen's marble countertop, he placed both hands on either side of my hips, before shifting closer to stand between my legs. when he speaks his voice comes out strained, as his fingers grip the counter edge so hard his knuckles turn white. as if he's holding himself back.

"give me permission" he breathes, and as he tilts his head down to face me fully, i can feel my breath catch in my throat.

"give me permission, and i will make you forget every fucked up thing you ever heard and every cruel thing you ever faced."

the intensity with which he holds my gaze makes my heartbeat speed up, and i realize that there's an emotion in his eyes that wasn't there before.

he leans closer, gently pressing his forehead against mine and closing his eyes.

"give me permission, y/n and i will show you how much you mean to me."

i think back to all the times he was there for me, high or low, night or day. i remember how he didn't hesitate to drop everything and come over the moment he heard me crying on the phone. i take in the sincerity and love in his voice, the way he was so close yet still just far enough to ensure that i wasn't uncomfortable.

and the fact that i knew he would respect my space without a second thought if i said no.

"jungkook" i whisper, my voice coming out breathless.

slowly, i raise my hands to cup his face, and feel him tense under my touch, awaiting my next words.

it was him.

it had always been him.

and it will always be him.

because he is everything to me.

"kiss me."

jungkook opens his eyes, meeting my gaze as his fingers grip my chin before he turns his head sideways, leaning in.

i meet him in the middle.

his lips are soft against mine, his touch gentle, as though i were the most precious thing around. placing a hand on the small of my back, he pulls me closer so that i'm flush against his chest, the warmth radiating off of him calming me down.

he pulls away after a while but stays close enough so that we're still face to face.

"i love you so fucking much" he breathes, emotion dripping from his words and his touch and his gaze.

i wrap my arms around his upper body and hug him to me, burying my face into the crook of his neck. he instantly hugs me back, placing a soft kiss to my temple before resting his chin on top of my head.

"i love you, jungkook."

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moodymelanist · 1 year

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Nesta being a big public Cassian stan! Like maybe he has some work thing he’s nervous about because it’s a big public speaking type of thing. He doesn’t expect her to come because she is so busy slaying her own job etc, but she surprises him! 🤗

oh this is adorable 🥹 idk if teachers actually have to do this but let’s just go with it for the sake of the story

Cassian took a deep breath as he paced in a circle, his nerves getting to him in a way he didn’t want to admit. Tonight was one of the most important presentations he’d have to give all year, and he didn’t want to fuck it up. His school needed more money from the district, and for whatever reason, his principal had suggested he be the one to give the presentation.

Cassian had been stressing about it for weeks, drafting and redrafting speeches and making sure his slides were perfect, and Nesta had been more than patient with helping him with this on top of everything else she had going on. After all that preparation, the only hiccup tonight was that she couldn’t be there to help him calm down, but he’d have to get his act together on his own.

As much as he wanted her to be there, his wife had plenty of things on her plate with her fancy lawyer job and all the usual Archeron family drama. He knew she’d wanted to be there to support him, so between that and all the nice texts she’d sent him, it would have to be enough.

Cassian continued his pacing as he tried to get a handle on his emotions. Tonight’s meeting was taking place at one of the local high schools, and he’d been shown into an empty classroom to wait until it was his turn. He hadn’t been the only teacher to give a presentation tonight, but he was one of the last ones to go, so the room had steadily emptied out until he was one of the few teachers left.

He was just about to try and make awkward small talk with one of the other guys when a familiar face opened the door, making him blink in total surprise.

“Nesta?” Cassian said, completely caught off guard at seeing his wife. As far as he’d known, she’d had some work thing herself, so he hadn’t been expecting to see her tonight. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi to you too,” Nesta replied dryly. “I can’t come support my husband?”

“I thought you had your work thing,” he responded, immediately opening his arms so she could settle underneath them. He already felt so much better having her with him, the surprise of seeing her quickly fading away in favor of reassurance at her presence.

“I got out of it,” she told him with a shrug. She wrapped her arms around him before reaching up onto her toes to give him a kiss. “You doing okay, baby?”

“Better, now that you’re here,” he answered honestly. He leaned down to steal another kiss before leaning back to look at her with a happy little smile, completely uncaring if any of the few teachers were watching them. “How did you even get back here?”

As far as Cassian knew, they weren’t letting anyone back here unless they were affiliated with the district somehow. Nesta very much wasn’t employed by the school district, so he had no clue how she’d managed to weasel her way back here, but he appreciated her doing it nonetheless.

“I used my feminine wiles,” Nesta said, completely deadpan. She waited for him to stop laughing before adding, “I actually just told the woman at the front that my husband needed me and she let me in.”

He just nodded and squeezed her tighter against him, burying his face in the top of her hair. “Thank you for coming, sweetheart. I needed this.”

“You’ve got this,” she mumbled against his chest. “You’ve been practicing for forever. You’re gonna kick ass in there, and then we can order food and take a bath after. Okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed softly.

Nesta wasn’t allowed to come with Cassian when it was his turn to present, but that was okay. She listened from outside the auditorium as he gave, according to her, the best damn presentation out of anyone, Cassian, I’m serious, and after they picked up pizza so they could relax at home. The bath was just as good as she promised, and despite being so nervous about this presentation, he managed to sleep like a baby afterwards.

When Cassian’s middle school got the extra funding they were looking for, Nesta shared the link in their big group chat with a bunch of !!!!! and other emojis. She was so proud of him that it made his heart want to burst, but he knew he couldn’t have done it without his good luck charm.

#acotar #acosf #Nessian #nesta archeron #cassian #moodymelanistwrites #Nessian prompts #fluff

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rothjuje · 1 year

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Truth. I am feeling done with my SAHM days. I don’t know if it’s having twins (one deeply feeling kid and the other on the spectrum). Or just that I started staying home with my kids as a foster parent in 2015 (so managing extreme toddler emotions full time for 8 years). There are also other lifestyle changes that contribute, living somewhere without ‘help’ (my neighbor in TX used to come keep me company for two hours every morning, it was more companionship than actual help but it meant a lot to my sanity), and also that my husband has been traveling twice the amount that he did in TX.

We got an email saying there was a severe staffing shortage of paraprofessionals in our school district, especially in the special ed classrooms at the elementary school. A friend told me they would cover full-time tuition for the twins’ preschool, which would be perfect and the hours are the same as a school day.

I immediately applied and haven’t heard back. The man who sent the email, who is doing the interviews/hiring, is unfortunately the same man I had to write the email to this summer when I pulled George from ESY. My email was polite (I am a people pleaser) but it did not make friends and the head of special ed is not nice to me when I bump into her in person (her boss is the one I sent the email to).

Justin thinks it’s a no-go, and it could be. They’d have to put Gen in a different class (because her class is strictly part-time) and they would have George all day (which I don’t think would be a staffing issue with their current setup). I know they have previously scheduled interviews for next week, so maybe they want to get through those first before contacting me, who knows. My friends think I shouldn’t stress about not hearing back because it’s the first week of school/they’re crazy busy.

But also, if they know they have a “severe” shortage of staff, why do they wait to write an email begging for people to apply once school has already started?

Anyway. My plan is once the twins are in school (George in the mornings for a total of 12 hours a week, Gen full days twice a week for a total of 10 hours, so only 5 hours intersect/so 5 hours kidless) to finish my real estate classes and get that ball rolling, because it would be flexible enough to do while they’re still in school part time. Although in reality 5 hours kidless a week isn’t enough time to do much of anything.

My friends don’t get why I don’t just find a full time job somewhere, but I don’t understand how that would work. In Texas, things are designed for that (longer school days, longer aftercare). Here preschool is 9am -2pm, so 5 hours. You can pay a lot of money to drop them off an hour before school starts, and pick them up an hour after school ends, but still you would have to leave your work day at 2:30 to get there in time because there are no jobs out here or in surrounding towns (country living).

Also, summer. I have a kid on the spectrum, I can’t just ship him away to camp. And camps for 3 kids is $$$. I don’t think I’ve really thought about what you do with your kids in the summer while working full time until this very moment. I mean most people do it so it’s doable but wow, stressful..

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maochira · 11 months

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Toki-Niji (my hamster) is getting a new owner in an hour. I sadly can't take care of him the way he needs it, and luckily I found someone who already has experience with two other hamsters as sensitive as him. I'm sad and wish I wouldn't have to let go, but it's the best for both Toki-Niji and me to put him into someone else's hands.

(More details under the cut if you wanna know more.)

I first started struggling with Toki-Niji back in the beginning of August (about 3 weeks after getting him) when he started biting the corners of his cage due boredom and/or stress. After multiple tries I only got him to stop the behaviour, but couldn't get rid of his boredom and stress. I really tried to. I bought and DIYed stuff to krep him busy, but he ignored those. One week I spent ike 80-100€ on things for him in hope it'll keep him busy but it didn't work. That was the first time I thought about giving him away but at that time, I just couldn't deal with the guilt I felt about "failing." By now I know I didn't fail because I tried as much as I could and giving him to someone else with more experience is the only right thing to do.

Besides that, Toki-Niji is very sensitive to noises and light, so I couldn't keep a big light on anymore and only a desk lamp as soon as he woke up at 7pm, which is an hour after I get home from school on most days. I also had to keep noises down as much as possible and often ended up not doing anything in the evenings. I just didn't want to cause him any more stress.

Every time I would hear any kind of noise from him I would get anxious in fear he's showing stress signs again. Knowing I have a stressed hamster terrified me because I want the best for him but didn't know what to do anymore.

I looked for help on reddit (in August) and followed the advice but nothing helped enough. I tried letting Toki-Niji run free outside of his cage to help with the boredom, but that only stressed him more.

My breaking point was 2 nights ago when he escaped his cage like 10 times and barely let me sleep that night. On one side that is my fault because the cage wasn't secure enough (I fixed it afterwards) but I also realized if it happens once, he'll continue trying to find new ways escape which means he's still stressed and bored.

I just couldn't deal with the anxiety and being woken up at night anymore. And I just couldn't deal with being fully aware I can't care for Toki-Niji the way he needs it.

Sure, I could have tried more. I could have bought and crafted more things to keep him busy. But honestly, I tried so many different things and I don't want to spend more money only to probably "fail" again. I just don't have the emotional capacity for this.

I know why he is so sensitive. He was raised in a bad environment and when I picked him up he was in a small cage with his brothers and father, in the middle of a hallway - aka a busy area where he probably didn't get much rest and was stressed a lot.

This experience just taught me again how hamsters, despite being so small, aren't always easy pets. Toki-Niji is very different from my previous two hamsters. And that's okay. He'll be better with another owner.

Sometimes a human and an animal aren't meant to be with each other. And that was the case for Toki-Niji and me.

I don't plan to have another hamster (or pet in general) for a while. At least as long as I live with my father I don't want another pet.

#💟 maochira talks

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nanalikessurveys · 1 year

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Is there a gang problem in your area? Not that I know of. I don't think so.

Do you make your Starbucks order more complicated if it isn’t busy? We don't have Starbucks where I live but generally I'm kind of ashamed of making my drink/food orders too complicated because I don't want to come across too demanding lmao, so I just order what's on the menu.

Do you consider airports to be emotional places? No I don't associate airports with the word "emotional", but I think airports are so stressful. Like in some places the security check is way too fast-paced and the officers/guards/etc. seem so grumpy, like they start yelling at you if you move too slowly for their liking and I don't like the overall vibe of that.

Where do you need to be? Nowhere but here.

Would you date an already attached person? Does this mean a person who already has a partner? Like a polyamorous relationship? No, I wouldn't want that.

When you marry, will you wear white? I haven't thought about my future wedding at all. I don't know if I'll ever get married.

What vaccine that you’ve received hurt the most? None of them have hurt me.

Do you ever feel like you’re being watched? Yes.

What will it take to make or break this day for you? I don't know what that means :(

Would you give up a dream for someone you loved? It's hard to say when I'm not in a situation like that. Right now I wouldn't want to give up a dream for anyone but you never know what choices you'll make when you're actually in that situation.

Could you date someone who’s only been your friend for a long time? Yes. I guess there would be that fear of losing the friendship if your relationship doesn't workout in the end, though.

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? Monogamous relationship.

Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yess lol.

Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? I think it's better to let it find you.

Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? Yes.

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? I'd rather have a relationship with someone who doesn't have kids. I'm not ready to become a stepmom just now lol.

Have you ever learned an important lesson as a result of a break up? Yep.

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than three months of no communication? Nope.

Do you or would you ever wear fake eyelashes? I used to wear them pretty often when I was a bit younger and was more into makeup. I like to keep my makeup more natural these days.

Do you think that smaller breeds of dogs are cuter than big ones? I think all dogs are cute but yeah, I think smaller breeds are a bit more cuter. (almost) everything small is cuter.

When was the last time you slept in a tent? I've never done that.

What brand of make-up do you prefer to use? I don't have any favorite brands but most of the makeup I have and use now are by Mac or Clinique.

Do you have any siblings and if so, what’re they like? I have an older sister. She's very artistic (she works as an artist), funny, smart and very kind. We are similar in a lot of things but we also have a lot of differences. We've always been very close.

What was the last television show that you sat and watched multiple episodes of? Sense8 from Netflix.

Is there anything significant happening this month? I'll start school this week again.

When was the last time you plucked your eyebrows? It's been months now. My eyebrows are very blonde and light so you can't really see any stray hairs unless you stand very close to me lol.

Do you have any chronic pain? I don't.

When was the last time you had a Poptart? I had one I think last year. They're not really a thing here and they are only sold in those American food sections in some bigger supermarkets.

Do you like hot chocolate? Yes and I used to be obsessed with drinking it.

Who is your best guy friend? I only have one friend and she is a woman.

What’s your favorite Michael Jackson song? We Are The World which he sung with bunch of other artists.

Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans from? I only have one pair of jeans and they are black skinny jeans from a local department store.

When was the last time you got your hair done professionally? Last year. I had some highlights done.

Do you like TGI Fridays? I don't know what that is.

Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? I waxed them myself.

Have you ever read anything by Edgar Allen Poe? I haven't.

When was the last time it rained where you live? Yesterday it was raining the whole day,

Do you like horses? I do'nt have anything agaisnt them.

What is your opinion on air pollution? That it's a bad thing?

What are your grandfathers’ names? Not telling youuu.

Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Nope.

Do you know anyone that has been held hostage before? Noo not that I know of :(

#survey #surveys

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stardust-in-my-mind-blog · 12 days

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mindshift progress report

So, whenever I embody "I'm going to fight god and everyone else I don't give a fuck" mode, things tends to shift in the overhead baggage departments. When I roll survival and decide to choose fight... well, it takes a lot out of me. I much prefer running away or fawning. Still learning how to get out of freeze. Also, I don't think I mentioned that the old man that I yelled at for threatening and scaring the shit out of me was wearing a literal JESUS SPORTS JERSEY. I made limited eye contact, of course, but staring at a sparkling gold embroidered "Jesus" while I was giving him a scolding for learning how to regulate his own damn emotions was a little off putting. Kind of glad Jesus is known more for wine than thunderbolts. Yesterday I was feeling kind of awful. Things aren't moving at the speed of light like I want them to, especially in terms of my regressed skillsets, and I just... felt the usual hopelessness I tend to get when I'm actually making an effort and things don't fall perfectly into place. Naming my blessings is kind of boring because I'm already a diehard optimist, so a progress report to make me feel better should get me started in the right direction today. Little boost of confidence. Singing/Hobby ---> Getting better and better and I'm more comfortable with it and have made friends and joined a little community and actually LOOK FORWARD to socializing as long as no one really pays attention to me for to long. check

Dancing/Cardio ---> using my mirror neurons in a fun way to embody actual songs instead of singing them in the dark with my eyes closed in the shower is helping me loosen up a bit for performances I think. Also, it's so fun to imagine myself dancing in those little worlds as those fun characters. check

Karaoke/job? ---> Since administrative tasks are difficult for me because my executive function regressed and I'm terrified of another burnout... this one has been tricky. I was hoping my confidence from other spheres would move this along, but I'm still... struggling. Ugh. Luckily, in true me fashion, I already put out a feeler out at the karaoke business that runs at the bar I sing at. I've watched the three women that operate it closely, and I can envision myself doing that job. It's less interactive with the public than waitressing would be. The two women that work there hug me when I come to the bar so I think that means we are friends (even though I don't know their names). The owner of the business has taken time to come talk to me a few times, praised my singing, and made a really strong pitch for an apartment she is renting out in full detail. So she must think I'm okay too. I asked if they needed people last week, but since the woman I was talking to and I are both autistic... the conversation spiraled into something else and I didn't get a direct answer. I likely didn't ask the right question. But I did have the right intention. I'll build on that tonight. Plus, since it's a local business, there will be less forms and applications and absolute bullshit my poor executive function will not touch without sending me into fight or flight. So, as usual, trying to find a work around for my current limitations. check

Kids/awesome ---> Since I will now have two dethroned kings, I should come up with a name for them to keep them straight. Maybe calling them by their horoscope signs for now will keep things neutral. Also, no one can say I didn't try to make it work with earth. Taurus had a work trip, so I've had the kids full time this week. It has been more work and stressful, and because of that I've had to let go of my perfectionism a bit. Today when we were running late for school we decided today was our villain era and played anti-hero songs to laugh about our nervousness. It's all working out even if I'm fucking things up. That's nice. They're also able to be really honest with me in their struggle with the awkward dynamics of playing house with Virgo and not being able to help myself when he's shitty and I have a deep need to be shittier. They've also commented that when he and I start sniping at each other that it must be like how we feel when they fight. They aren't wrong. I'm glad we all get to experience the pleasure. check

So, unlike yesterday, where I was convinced I was a wreck of a human making a disaster of my life... things aren't so bad and I am making progress and the world is ok. Yay.

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technecat · 5 months

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Uh, buckle up, it's a long one.

I got an upper endoscopy today. That's the one where they stick a camera down your throat and look at your esophagus and stomach and you have to do a full fast (not even water) beforehand. I can't tell you much about the procedure part because I was so exhausted that at the first hint of sedation, I was OUT. What I can tell you is how badly I messed up preparing for this thing that went perfectly, smoothly, 100% fine.

I have Anxiety. I like to give it the capital A out of respect, but also because it's part of GAD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is my official diagnosis. Those of you with GAD probably know why I'm specifying, but those without are probably confused at why I'm specifically mentioning GAD instead of just anxiety. Pack in because we're talking about brain feelings and emotions for a sec.

So, GAD is a funky thing because it basically amounts to: A Low Level of Anxiety All The Time: But No Reason, Just Because. It's just like having a layer of anxiety on everything all the time, no triggers required (but things are still triggering! Trust me!). I take medication for it and have been for the past 20 years. It helps a lot! I live a pretty low-anxiety life with meds and the tools I've gained from therapy over the years. If I may toot my own dang horn, I am pretty good at handing my anxiety.

What I'm not good at handling is unknown experiences. I like to have trial runs of things. I like to practice. I also like to know as much as possible about a thing before I try doing it, so that I can have some modicum of control over my emotions and actions when I do it. Now, this isn't to say that I am not extremely adaptable to new situations because- whew- I can adapt to anything as a new normal in about a day, no problem. I'm great at mentally placing myself in a new situation ahead of time and getting comfy.

Which is why the sheer amount of anxiety that I endured in the 24 hours before my procedure was strange. I had already read up on the procedure, talked over the phone with the nurses, and planned out my preparation phase. I was not worried about it going poorly and I was only slightly concerned about being uncomfortable. "Normal people" amounts of anxiety over a new thing. NBD. Really, I wasn't nervous about the medical procedure at all.

What I was nervous about was...the fact that I should be feeling nervous about the procedure. And here's where GAD really gets ya'. The only anxiety trigger was that I was feeling too calm about the whole thing. And again, anxiety folks probably get me here, but it's freaking wild to realize that you are anxious because you feel like you have to be, and not because you have a reason to be. Like my brain was kicking me for slacking on my fight or flight.

Yesterday, the day before the procedure, was a fairly normal Monday for me. Back to classes, back to reminding students that it's not time to relax yet because our final project starts next week, trying to get them to critique each other's work even though it was Senior Skip Day (no one warned me) so a quarter of my students were gone. I was busy with grading and planning out next week, so I didn't really have a chance to think about being nervous for more than a few minutes. I even talked to a coworker at lunch who'd had the same procedure and walked away unscathed and unable to remember any of it.

By the end of the school day though, I could feel it setting in. I was getting a pretty bad migraine (unusual for me on a Monday; my chronic migraines are on a Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday cycle right now) so I guessed it was probably stress and went home right away to lie down.

I did not get back out of bed until this morning. My migraine attack got so bad I was nauseated most of the evening, which really isn't what you want when you can only eat solid food until 8 PM that night, but my brain and my stomach were fighting each other tooth and nail for no reason so I managed a few bits of a tortilla with cream cheese in it, some pear-apple sauce, and 4 oz of oat milk with a little protein mix in it. I topped it all off with a liquid antacid right at 8 so my efforts would not go to waste, and then was only allowed water until midnight.

A little aside here to say that I don't eat a lot but I take small meals quite often. I generally do: liquid breakfast, second breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, and sometimes another snack/light dessert if I can squeeze it in. I'm not able to eat solid food in general before 7am or after 8pm. All of this is a result of having a very fast metabolism and what I'd always been told was borderline hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). I always wake up extremely hungry and thirsty and sometimes even dizzy and cranky and can rarely wait more than an hour to have breakfast. If you're following along, you might guess what my next big problem was.

It's now 10 PM the night before and I have sipped a bit of water and taken my normal medication, but nothing else. I've been lying in bed reading WebToons for about 5 hours. Normally, I would already be asleep as I get up at 7 for work, but my appointment wasn't until 8:45 the next day so I decided- bear with me reader, I'm sorry, hindsight is 20/20- I decided to stay up as late as possible so I could force myself to sleep in until the last moment and not have to deal with feeling hungry.

I should count myself extremely lucky that I have had the great fortune in life to have forgotten that hunger makes it hard to sleep. I went to bed at midnight out of sheer exhaustion and woke up...at 7am when my alarm went off. I managed to fall back to sleep until the 7:30 "you're about to be late, leave now" alarm went off and my brain said OK, it's Tuesday let's go. I could not fall back to sleep and what sleep I had was not quality (you never get really good quality sleep from exhausting your brain into it).

So now I'm: hungry, dehydrated, about 3 hours underslept, and extremely, extremely tired and sore from the migraine I had the night before. (Another small aside: the last phase of a migraine attack is the postdrome a.k.a the hangover phase. It feels exactly like a bad hangover and mine usually last around 12-48 hours.)

I am so pissed off and exhausted I have tears in my eyes. I have royally screwed this whole thing up for myself already and it was only partially my fault (partially just bad migraine luck) which made me even angrier. It took me 10 minutes to get dressed because my postdrome brain fog + drowsiness + hunger meant I couldn't focus on anything, let alone finding clothes to put on my body. I kept snapping in and out of being nervous and being too tired to be nervous.

The 20 minutes in the waiting room is absolute torture on my migraine-fried brain. They have a morning news station on the TV that is blasting political attack ads and local news. It switches to a morning talk show with a lady who screams every word she says. Someone nearby is letting their kid play an iPad game with the volume all the way up. I have literally curled up on a chair shielding my eyes from the florescent lighting. My partner is there with me, but he can't do anything to help my brain stop being a stupid baby. I can't sleep because I can hear every damn noise and conversation in the room and see the lights through my eyelids. I was, as they say, extremely overstimulated.

When they call my name I hear it but my body refuses to move. My husband shakes me but it's still impossible for about 10 seconds. I mentally note that my blood sugar must be extremely low-- while simultaneously my partner mentions to the nurse that my blood sugar is low. I have trouble standing and have to lean on him until they get me a wheelchair. They take my blood sugar and it's fine. "It's actually very good! It's 93", chirps the nurse. I don't know what that number means because, like it mentioned, I was only ever diagnosed with borderline hypoglycemia and just always assumed my blood sugar was the problem.

The rest of the stay was uneventful. Like I said at the beginning, everything went smoothly, I don't remember anything from the actual procedure beyond being hooked up to an IV and told to lie on my side. I very briefly spoke with the doctor who apologized that I had a headache from my migraine and when I told him I was used to it he frowned and said, "I don't like that you have gotten used to it". Me neither, bud. But what I remember saying aloud was "it's fine, I'm fine".

I woke up back in the room I started in with my husband sitting in the same place and the nurses popping in and telling me to rest as long as I needed, but also I was good to go whenever "and eat soft foods for a while". I don't remember getting home, only that I had a smoothie and took a 4 hour nap immediately. I am hungry but otherwise unfazed.

Except...the blood sugar thing is still bugging me. And it was bugging me the whole time I was lying in the bed trying to let the IV do its job and chill me out. If it's not my blood sugar dropping that causes me to be so sluggish in the morning, or cease functioning properly if I don't eat every 2 hours (4 maximum) then what the heck have I been dealing with for 20 years?

I've only been diagnosed with chronic migraine since 2019 and they only started being chronic in my 30s; before that, attacks just happened occasionally. I had them misdiagnosed them as food poisoning and sinusitis several times. (If you get sinus headaches a lot, look into seeing an ENT and Neurologist, you might be surprised. And yes, migraine attacks can cause nasal congestion!) So, migraine doesn't seem like the long-term answer even if it may have been the reason why I had issues today. So I guess once we figure out what's wrong with my stomach, I'll need to go to the doctor again and figure out what's wrong with...whatever is wrong with me.

Anyway, I don't have a fun way to wrap up this story, I just wanted to share it with y'all.

#cw: medical #cw: anxiety #cw: hospital #cw: surgery #cw: food #just text today lads #Y'all tell me if I missed any content warnings my meds are still wearing off #it did count as outpatient surgery but it was at a clinic not a hospital #still same vibes #uncomfortable medical stuff #haha omg it's 20 paragraphs #oops it's an essay

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herriblog · 1 year

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Week 35/36

I am on my second pregnancy. I am in my Week 36. I was having difficulty in sleeping at night. I always had to put two-three pillows under my head to sleep. Somewhere about week 28, I had this same issue, and i slept with two pillows and a neck pillow. After a while, my upper back would hurt so I would remove one pillow and sleep at my side. But this time, everything is not comfortable. I just feel like I am going to die lying down. I even tried to take piriton to calm myself down but I can't. I finally slept at 2plus last night. It brought back memories of my slipped disc. I remember to kill my time during the night, I would randomly chat with people on whisper. But this time, I do not have the mood, motivation to chat with other people especially on whisper knowing that they are there for one main reason; Hook ups. It's very hard to get someone to have a heart to heart conversation without them thinking that you can be something more. Yes, you may say why don't you chat with your spouse? He has had a whole day of working. Busy. Tons on his mind. I am just going to add in more stress to his already stressful day. Even if I share, he is probably going to just say relax, it is all going to be fine. This anxiety is a killer. Reassuring your loved one like that or any other way isn't going to cut it. I did the same thing to him many years ago when he had anxiety, until he switched off sharing what he experiences.

I feel like as though I am too bloated up that causes me to feel this. But at the same time, I am hungry. I don't want to eat because it will make me feel more bloated and feel more breathlessness. I started to have these palpitations every 3-5 mins. I do not know if its normal or should I get it checked out. I googled it and they say its normal. But I never felt like this during my last pregnancy. I know. I know. Every pregnancy is different. I do not want to feel like a hypochondriac. I've already been googling every single symptom that I have. It's not helping.

To add on to my whole emotions, My friend had texted me and told me that the areas that I cover are being distributed out to my other colleagues permanently. So it seems like my boss is trying to get rid of me. Boss actually said that since I have not been around in most of the areas and the department HODs want someone permanent there (which sounds like im always on HL, but she makes it sound like I sneak off somewhere to get rid of work, which i do but i still come back to the departments to check on them in the afternoon). I told her that as much as I feel horrible being in this department and that I plan to leave this area, it should not affect me. I take more leaves than anyone in the department. I do not contribute (I used to but I always get slammed down). And I already have intentions of leaving the department to either do part time nursing or agency nursing. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't feel bad or upset. But I still do. I told my husband about this and he said she shouldn't have texted you this especially at this time. It is causing unnecessary stress on me which I agree to. She clearly knows I am not coming back to work. Why make it sound like my boss is trying to get rid of me. it may mean that I am not going to be around for the rest of the year so she is giving it to others.

So in short, I feel damn lousy. I think I feel depress that I am not going to work and top it off, my son went to school today after almost a week of not going to school so I feel lonely.

I think I should just take up the trip to KL with my husband and be away from all this. But at the same time, I am also worried about my son who has grown attached to me. He is always finding me somewhere in the house to get me to be with him. I wonder if he will be able to sleep with the new helper, Khawl (She is about 1.5 months old). I am so fickle minded.

Thats all for today.

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sankdvl · 1 year

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A little secret

Remember that i told you how i have always been very pationate and ambitious about what i do and how much i want to succeed in life, yeah, that may not be completely accurate.

Since i was a little kid to probably the first semester of tenth grade i had only dreamt about being successful, rich, independent, living in my own luxurious apartment somewhere in new york and working in a fast moving job

and then suddenly i don't know what happened from the second semester of 10th grade. i guess that reality hit me. i wasn't sure what i was doing and why i was doing, i was infact overwhelmed with assignments, exams, tests, pending work etc. i experienced a whole wave of uncertainty and anxiety whether i would be able to score good in my board examinations or not. I, my school, a few friends that i have, my parents, my relatives etc had so much expectations from me. i feared failing to live upto their and most importantly my expectations. suddenly i was being too harsh on myself. i was experiencing emotions that i had never felt before, i was very sad, i forgot eating my meals, sometimes i would go two days without eating anything, waking up seemed so hard suddenly, i felt disappointed, i would wake up crying and go to sleep crying. i don't know what happened, from a happy ambitious kid who knew what she was doing i was transformed into someone who just did not want to live anymore, i did not want to die because i had many responsibilities and many people who lovde me and i did not want to hurt them, but i wished i had never been born or somehow i could disappear from this world. nothing seemed real at that time. my depression lasted from october 2022 to march 2023. those were the most painful six months i had ever gone through

then my board exams were over and i was filled with relief. In the first week after my boards i was trying to adjust back to normal, i was trying to get out of depression, trying to sleep stress free. it was difficult to get out of the phase because i would have nightmares about me failing my exams, i felt guilty for not studying anymore even though my exams were over, i would wake up in the middle of the night thinking that my exams are not over yet and i was hallucinating about my exams getting over, i would suddenly wake up in the morning, panicking that i had to this or that chapter of mathematics etc. it took me around a week to accept the fact that my exams are over and that i can return to the normal lifestyle i had before 10th grade

Then came the honeymoon period. i was happy, i finally started getting back on my normal life, i was sleeping comfortably, eating, watching tv, cooking my favourite dishes, motivated to have a fresh start from grade 11, i felt that i could do anything. and as you would have guessed, thats when i wrote my first blog 'a little context'

But the again i from week three i realised that i was feeling the same emotions that i was feeling in oct 2022, all my friends had taken PCM or PCB and had already started coaching, they were all so busy while i was lying in my bed not understanding commerce, i tried studying commerce but everything seemed so new, foreign and difficult, i started questioning if commerce is right for me. then i started thinking about the things i had thought about doing after boards that i hadn't done, like learning French, learing how to code, and the we cancelled on our plan of getting a dog which really made me very upset, i felt that i had wasted my time. again i started losing interest in things. i was constantly thinking whether i could again become the happy ambitious person that i was before, i was scared about my result. i was going through the same process that led me to get into depression, i started sleeping till noon, lost faith in me, stopped eating because i wasn't getting hungry, i started crying, losing hope etc. But this time luckily i knew where my habits and feelings were headed so i am trying my best to not fall into the trap of depression again, i am making little progress day by day like instead of waking up at noon i am waking up at 10am, i appeciate myself even if i eat one meal a day because it is better than not eating anything at all etc, although i know i am going through a very scary and vulnerable time, i am trying to be easy on myself and assuring myself that there is still hope and at the end everything will be alright and its just a little dark phase that's going to pass soon and that i am not a failure and that can still achieve what little me wanted to achieve

#self help #academia

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torisaysyeet · 2 years

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I used to have a dog.

TRIGGER WARNING: Explanation of graphic injury resulting in pet death.

I had a dog before I went into college. He was a Chihuahua-Dachshund-Corgi mix that my parents adopted for me and my siblings when I was in 7th/8th grade. I remember the day I came home to him. My mom picked me up from volleyball practice or a home game and said there was a surprise at home. I guessed what it was before we got there.

We'd seen my dog, Harley, with his litter at a family friend's house during a birthday party a few weeks/months before. He was still so tiny, but I can't remember if he really was the runt of his litter. Such a beautiful tri-color mix that looked like a collie. He had perfect eyebrows and everything.

I took care of him the most between me and my siblings that were still at home. I loved that little dog with my whole heart. My sister didn't really bother, and my brother hated taking care of him, so I took on that responsibility. I trained him. I walked him, fed him, bathed him, brushed all the knots out of his long hair.

In the years after adopting him, he became my baby, my boy. When I had my bed on the floor or slept on the couch, he would cuddle with me until I fell asleep. When he couldn't reach my bed, I listened to him fall asleep. He slept in my room, no matter what.

When I realized that I was going to have to live on campus when I went to college in a non-pet dorm, I was heartbroken. I was curled up in a corner sobbing and holding him. I wasn't ready to give him up. But I couldn't do anything because I didn't know how to register an emotional support animal, which would've allowed him to live with me on campus. He wasn't able to be a service animal because I didn't need one, and was likely too old to be trained for that.

I would've left him with my parents but they were both working in construction and wouldn't have the energy to care for him and entertain him properly. I reached out to family friends first, asked any of my classmates who weren't allergic or didn't have allergic family members. My oldest brother didn't have time and space, along with having a dog that was aggressive to other males.

My last option was my sister, who had estranged herself from the family fairly well at this point. We didn't talk much, but she was fully willing to take in Harley. She had 3 kids at the time, and Harley was great with kids.

A year later. One year.

My mom takes me outside and sits me down. She's just heard news about my dog from my cousin, who was still in contact with my sister at the time. Harley was dead. I didn't receive a phone call from my sister, her husband, or my brother that helped bury him. I could at the time understand my sister and her husband, they were both estranged. But my brother? He had my phone number, knew I was out of school at the time. I would've answered even if I was busy at work.

What I heard was that he had been stolen from their new backyard after moving house, harmed in some way that I've mentally blocked, and strangled with barbed wire. They supposedly found him dead behind the town's fire department.

I no longer believe this story one hundred percent.

Harley had quirks. He was a weird dog sometimes. And a family with 3-4 kids, fresh off a move, tension and stress at an all time high for everyone? I'm thinking he bit one of the kids. I think this set off my sister's husband, who was already a shitty human being to begin with.

I think my brother in-law took my dog out late at night, and murdered him. Then cooked up a story about him getting stolen. My brother wouldn't know the actual story unless they told him, which I doubt. It's possible my sister could be convinced he was stolen. My cousin wouldn't know at all.

They refused to bury him near me. They refused to let me see him one last time. And at the time I was so distressed that I didn't even think to demand cremation so I could have his ashes with me at all times. Even a tiny jar would've been good for me.

So, dear Brother In-Law of mine. I wonder if now, almost 3 years later, you would be able to tell me the truth, in full. Was Harley really stolen from your backyard? Or did he get on your nerve and instead of doing something rational, you killed him.

#trigger warning pet death #tw pet death #tw graphic description #trigger warning #trigger warning graphic description #tw graphic death #tw murder #rant #content warning #content warning pet death #content warning graphic description

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rosemaryandarsenic · 2 years

Text

Mine

pairing| Gareth Emerson x female reader

readersynopsis| Gareth has an important question to ask you, but you almost spoil it because of a misunderstanding. (Happy ending, DW) Based on Mine by Taylor Swift

warnings|SMUT! 18+ only as always, minors DNI. Also, the reader struggles with symptoms of burnout and overreacting, self-doubt, intense emotions, and insecurity. Parental trauma. Alcohol. Oral sex, daddy kink.

AN: This is not my finest work, honestly I've been feeling shitty so I wrote this for myself lmao. Mental illness sucks, and I don't see it often in fics bc it's depressing so I wanted the reader to struggle a little. I have Bipolar and it makes relationships stressful sometimes, but it doesn't make them impossible. This one is for my fellow mentally ill friends, ily <3 Also, Gareth and the reader are in their early twenties! The reader is in college and waitresses for work. Her roommates are Robin and Vicki! Everyone is happy and nothing unusual exists in this universe anymore.

You’re staring at the worn-down tiles in the classroom, your professor drawling on about the upcoming final you have next week. It’s hard to concentrate, and your anxiety makes you agitated. Between finals and work, you have already been stressed the hell out, on top of both your boyfriend was practically nowhere to be found. You’d called Gareth three times this week, with no answer, which was abnormal. He usually called you every day, especially when you were too busy to be together in person, but this whole week had been radio silence. The two of you had been fine, to your knowledge, except for a small spat a few weeks before. You tried not to think about it, wincing. Because of your parents, even little fights felt ginormous, weighing down on you like a pile of bricks from the quarry. He wouldn’t leave? Right? Your stomach turned, and you tried to quell the fears in your mind. Instead, you pictured the worst possible cases - anxiety fuels delusions splashing across your vision. Gareth never gave you a reason to feel jealous or insecure, but you’d never really gotten over knowing his ex in high school. You’d been there for ground zero, and despite his insistence over the years that their 3-month long relationship meant nothing in comparison to how he felt about you, it clouded your mind. Relationships were something you avoided after your parent's divorce. They were messy, even the best ones. It felt like too much was on the line when it came to trusting people. You chided yourself - you knew better than this. You are safe, you’re loved, and all is well. But the feeling stayed with you all day, growing worse as you still didn’t hear from him.

Slinging your bag into the passenger side of your car, you sighed heavily and rummaged around for a tape to fill the silence. You needed a distraction, something that wasn’t bussing tables or writing papers. A movie maybe? Your Roommates wouldn’t be home till late tonight, both working the closing shift at the diner. You started the car in frustration, feeling hopeless. Maybe a movie AND alcohol would be better. Your thoughts trailed again as you drive home, feeling genuinely down in the dumps. When it got this bad you usually called Gareth, something about his voice calmed the nervousness in your mind. It hurt worse, feeling like he wasn’t there, but it wouldn’t last forever. He was probably busy, also with work and school, and the band. You perked up, changing direction from your apartment towards Eddie’s. Eddie was one of your oldest friends, and he always seemed to know what to say when you needed to vent. Maybe he’d be home, it was Friday after all. You pulled into the entrance to the trailer park, feeling slightly better at the idea of not being alone when you noticed that another car was parked next to Eddie’s van. Gareths car.

You groaned, pulling into the spot next to him and parking, questioning your options. Go inside? Leave? They all felt bad, so you opted for the what was hopefully the most sane - go inside. As you neared the trailer, you could hear music coming from Eddie’s window, a small waft of smoke sneaking out his cracked window and trailing upwards to the sky. You knocked rather loudly, and heard the music stop as Eddie’s footsteps sounded inside.

“Who in gods name-“ he started, as he swung the door open and saw your face. Your expression must have been more obvious than you thought, because his brows immediately furrowed together.

“Hi sweetheart.” He smiled, tone completely changed. “Cmon in.”

You smiled at him, trying to shake off your anxiety.

“Sorry to bug you, Ed’s. Got out of class and was feeling restless.” You say, pushing hair behind your ear.

“You can never bug me.” He chuckled, looking at the ground like he was thinking too hard.

“I didn’t realize you and Gareth were hanging out.” You nod towards the cars outside. “I uh, I can leave if you want!”

He looks confused, “We weren’t planning on it,” he looks down again, “Um, he’s actually not here anyways so you’re fine.”

You feel a jolt in your spine at his words, the anxiety flooding back in. You don’t want to show it on your face but you’re not sure what reaction would be better.

“Oh. Okay.” Your palms are sweaty.

“Wh-where is he?” You mumble.

Eddie looks like he’d like to crawl under the table, his eyes still directed at the ground. He shakes his head, a small smirk on his face.

You’re absolutely falling off the deep end mentally, your anxious mind going a thousand places at once. You can feel tears burning behind your eyes and will them not to fall. What is it with the men in your life? Why can’t they just say what they’re thinking?

“Eddie.” Your voice quivers more than you mean it to and he quickly looks up at you, the smirk disappearing.

“Are you crying?” He looks shocked, and walks over to you with a worried expression.

“No.” You sniff, “no. Actually yknow, I think I probably should go. Um.” You avoid his reaching toward you and bolt towards the door, trying to keep your composure. This is silly. This is so silly. You wanna go home, just take a shot and go to sleep. Eddie is following after you as you swing the door open and walk directly into the person on the other side of the door.

Gareth, despite his arms already being full, catches you as you ram into him, nearly pushing the both of you off the front steps.

“Whoa there,” he says, stopping you as you push past him now, desperately wanting to be in your car and away from this mess. The sound of his voice sends you over the edge and you let out a choked sob. Jesus Christ this is embarrassing.

“Honey, hey, whoa.” He says, dropping serval bags on the ground as he sees the tears streaming down your face.

“What the fuck, Munson?” He’s red in the face, grabbing you to him as he looks back at Eddie, who’s just as confused as he is. “What is going on?”

“Wasn’t me man,” Eddie exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Y/n, hey.” Gareth is clinging to you now as you wipe your face, cheeks burning.

“It’s fine! I’m fine!” You stutter, “Eddie didn’t -“ you gasp, trying to catch your breath, “he didn’t do anything. I’m fine! Okay?! I’m fine!” You push him back, stepping towards your car. “I gotta - I…” you manage to get out before turning and bolting. Absolutely not. This is too much.

Gareth and Eddie watch, both looking totally lost as you sprint back to your car and nearly eat shit on the muddy ground.

“What the hell did you do?” Eddie says Gareth.

He just shakes his head. “I don’t know but I think I gotta go.” He replies, leaning down. “I got it though.” He whispers and hands a small bag to Eddie.

“Can you hold onto this please?” He asks, and Eddie nods.

“Go get her man.” Eddie nudges him, looking back towards your car as you drive away.

Gareth does.

------------------------

You slam your keys on the counter in your kitchen, tears rolling freely down your cheeks now. Nothing sensible is going through your brain, so you let it out, sliding down onto the floor and letting your head fall into your hands. There will be an explanation but it’s not right now, and you feel terrible. Where had Gareth been? Why was he being so sneaky and quiet? And Eddie, was Eddie in on it? It felt like you were thirteen again, crying on the kitchen floor as your parents screaming sounded through the house. A door bangs as your mom storms out, your dad watching from the front window.

“Go to your room.”

“Daddy?”

“Now.”

You bawl harder, the loneliness crawling into your gut, a familiar feeling after all these years. You don’t want to lose Gareth. You can’t bare the thought.

Trying to compose yourself you gingerly stand, your knees wobbly from the rush of emotions. It didn’t matter, you would make it. You just needed to stop crying. Maybe a shower would help? You stand there, shaking a bit and holding your arms close to yourself. It’s fine. Everything is fine.

You jump at the sound of knocking on the front door and feel your heart leap a little. Stop hoping, you mumble to yourself, it’s probably just the neighbors wanting to know if someone is dying. You cry louder than you mean to sometimes. Irritated, you swing the door open and feel a rush as you see the dark blond ringlets you know so well.

Gareth is standing at the door, clearly flustered from rushing to follow you, a concerned look on his face. He hadn’t expected you to answer on the first knock. Silently he reaches out to you and you give in, crawling into his arms and burying your face in his shirt. You both stand like that for a minute, without speaking.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

“You don’t need to be.” He whispers back.

Gently, he pulls away and lifts your face towards him, wiping off excess tears.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on, my love?”

The pet name elicits more tears from you and he pulls you back into his arms.

“Is it me?” He asks, bluntly but softly. “Did I cause this?”

Your heart aches, and you try to find the words to explain. It feels stupid, how upset you are.

“I…where were you?” You ask, deciding to start there.

He tenses and you feel your gut drop again. Here it comes.

“I was looking for a surprise for you.” He says, turning slightly red.

“What?” You say, pulling away.

“A surprise,” he holds your eye contact, running a hand through his hair.

“What kind of surprise takes all week?!” You blurt out, more confused than before.

He looks stressed, like he’s trying to find a way to tell you without telling you everything.

“Can we sit?” He asks, gesturing inside.

You move, letting him inside, and he sits down on the sofa with his legs criss-crossed underneath him. You didn’t sit, so he taps the sofa next to him.

“Baby, please.”

You sit down with a huff and raise an eyebrow. This better be good.

He can see the irritation on your face and groans internally. He’s not gonna let you in on what it is, he’s worked too hard, but he needs to calm you down.

“Listen I’m not ruining your surprise, but I can tell something’s bothering you.” He starts, wringing his hands together. “I didn’t realize I’ve been so distracted and I’m so sorry, honey.” He leans in and puts a hand on your leg.

“Why not just answer the phone?” You groan, letting him touch you. It helped, but you were stubborn.

“The phone?” He asks.

“I’ve called you three times this week!” You snap.

He groans, “shit. Jeff forgot to pay the bill. It was disconnected till last night. I thought I left you a message?”

You turn red. “Our answering machine is broken.”

He chuckles, pulling you closer to him.

“I’m so sorry.” He says again, “I should’ve just come over.”

Your resolve is starting to crumble, as you lean into him. You missed him.

“You know I'd never ignore you, right?” He says as he strokes your hair. “I could never forget about my sweet girl.”

You nod, trying not to cry again.

“I just…I get scared sometimes.” You let it out. “I don’t want -“

“We aren’t your parents.” He says adamantly. “I won’t let it happen again.”

The two of you stay cuddled together on the sofa for a while, until you drift off. Gareth chides himself as you sleep in his arms, working through the rest of his plan. He needed to be more careful, it would only take a few more days and he didn’t want you to feel like this. He watched as your chest rose and fell, still stroking your hair. Just a few more days. He hoped his plan would make up for this week.

----------------------

The next few days progress more normally, your anxiety lifting as you finish most of your finals for the semester. It’s Monday, only one test left this afternoon and then you have no school and two full days off of work. You were in between classes, eating lunch outside as the late spring sun shone through the clouds. Rainy days were your favorite, and today had been no exception, though you appreciated the chance to eat outside. Gareth still seemed jittery, but you brushed it off. You knew now that he was planning something, but you also know better than to push it. He’d get ideas and be stuck on them for weeks sometimes, unable to focus on anything else. Your concerns about his attention being directed elsewhere were no longer plaguing your mind because you knew he’d tell you eventually, so you focused on the tasks at hand. Stretching, you took in the humid air and smiled. Just a few more hours and you’d be curled up on the sofa with your friends and your favorite snacks. The whole summer was ahead of you, with only work to deal with before your senior year of college came around. Sliding off the bench, you pulled your bag to your shoulder and threw away your garbage as you waltzed inside. Just a few more hours.

While you finished your exams, you had no idea about the commotion happening at Eddie’s. Your roommates, Robin and Vicki, were hauling ass as Eddie followed them around bossily. Gareth had finished his finals that morning and was sweating his ass off trying to stay calm. Dustin and Jeff argued in the kitchen. Steve and Max were supposed to be arranging flowers around the living room but were instead arguing as well.

“It should go here!” Max insisted, pointing at a pile of roses that had been prodded the point of wilting.

“No way, those are supposed to be over there.” Steve flung back, stabbing himself on a thorn and wincing.

Lucas sighed, moving the bouquet around for the third time in the last 5 minutes as the two of them continued to argue.

“I need to leave to get her in like ten minutes, can you just DECIDE.” Gareth pleaded, his cheeks red as a tomato.

“You need to cool down, man.” Dustin said, handing him a bag of frozen peas and earning a glare.

Wayne walked through the door with boxes of pizza, chuckling at the chaos.

“Where is the man of the hour?” Eddie called from out front, struggling to fit through the door as he carried in another bouquet of flowers.

“Don’t crush them again Eddie, I swear to god.” Robin yelled behind him. Vicki and her had been moving flowers all day from the flower shop where Vicki worked, and she was covered in scratches, a bit of mud on her knee.

Will was leaning on the counter, observing the chaos, and he moved to grab the flowers from Eddie before he suffocated them into a second death.

“You have the ring?” Eddie asked, sending Gareth into a spiral as he laughed, pulling it out of his pocket.

“Eddie, stop it.” Nancy swatted him as she came from the bathroom, rolling her eyes. “You’re gonna give him a heart attack.”

“Man, don’t stress, half the town is here to help.” Jonathan said, following Nancy in and giving Gareth a sympathetic smile. “It’s gonna be fine.”

Gareth gave a half hearted nod, he’d barely made it through his exams this morning because of the anxiety. What if she said no? Even more terrifying, what if she said yes? Y/N was his dream girl, they’d been together for almost five years and he still got butterflies. What if he threw up? What if he passed out? He started to sweat again and pulled the bag of frozen peas to his face. Wayne smiled and patted his back, giving Eddie a solemn look.

“Everyone out!” Gareth's mom hollered from the doorway, “out.”

The group finished their tasks and trailed out, moving to their assigned positions as Gareth's mom wandered to him with a smile.

“Hi,” he mumbled, still holding the frozen peas to his cheek.

“Hi.” She whispered back, putting an arm around him. “How are we doing?”

She always talked like this when things were stressful. In his entire life he’d never heard his mom speak of his problems with a “you” instead of a “we”. It was always them together, never him alone. He wanted that for him and y/n. Always together, a team.

He sighed. “Im fucking nervous.”

“You should be,” she laughed, rubbing circles on his back. “She’s a good girl, it’s been a long time coming.”

“What if she says no?”

“She won’t.”

“But-“

“Gareth Emerson, remember who you’re talking about.” She said, smiling again. “I have seen the way she looks at you, since the day she stumbled onto our porch with that bloody lip.” She laughs, and he laughs with her. The day they met, she’d just moved in next door, and had gotten the houses wrong in a panic from falling off her bike. He’d opened the door to a furious girl, hands cradling her mouth and eyes wide as she realized she’d almost walked into the wrong house.

“Oh my god I’m sorry.” She sputtered, blood dripping out of her mouth. He’d fallen head over heels immediately, and they’d been tied at the hip since.

“She won’t say no.” His mom whispered again. “Now, let’s get your ass moving, lover boy. Her parents will be here in five.”She poked him, and shoved him out the door. “Time to go get the girl.” She winked.

Over the moon, Y/N turned her face towards the sky, admiring the clouds forming overhead as she waited for her ride. Gareth would be there any minute and she didn’t want to wait any longer. All day she’d been dreaming of the sound of the rain on top of Eddie’s trailer as they celebrated the end of the school semester and relaxed. The sound of Van Halen blaring from a beat up sedan drew her attention with a grin. Gareth is always so loud, you can hear him coming from a mile away. He parked and she slipped towards the car happily.

“Someone’s in a good mood.” He smiled, opening the passenger door from the front seat. She slid in and pulled his face in for a kiss, lingering an extra minute to appreciate the softness of his lips against her own.

“Someone stole my cherry chapstick again.” She laughed, pulling away. Gareth blushed.

“I keep loosing mine.” He grins.

The drive to Eddie’s is calm, Gareth breathing intentionally slow to calm himself and smiling as he watched Y/N lean back in her seat. Her eyes were closed, the wind blowing through her hair as a small smile spread across her face. He loved her so much it felt a bit like he could explode.

“Do you think the boys will let me get away with watching Ferris Buellers Day Off again?” She mumbles.

He laughes, “not on your life.”

She giggles and pouts, opening her eyes.

“It’s a great movie, okay?”

“You just have a crush on Cameron.”

“I do not!”

“Sure, sugar.”

You roll your eyes, smirking. “Maybe I just like grumpy boys, is that a crime?”

“Are you calling me grumpy?” He feigns offense.

“Absolutely, gare. What’re you gonna do about it?” You retort, grinning and batting your lashes at him. “My grumpy boy.”

He chuckles, pulling into a spot behind the trailer to park and trying not to give away the excitement that’s buzzing around in his head.

“Listen,” he says quietly, “before we go in, I want to give you that surprise I’ve been working on.”

You nod, smiling at him. “Okay! Are you sure you wanna do that now?”

“It’ll only take a second.” He nods. “Hop out, and then close your eyes. I gotta get it from the trunk.”

You raise your eyebrow but comply, getting out and closing the door. Your brow furrows as you wait, not hearing the sound of the trunk at all, only the breeze around you.

“Gareth?” You ask. Silence. Slowly you open one eye and nearly jump out of your skin. “Dustin! What the hell are you doing?” He’s in front of you with a huge smile, Gareth nowhere in sight. “What-“

“No questions, m’lady. Follow me please.” Dustin says, gesturing broadly as he leads the way. As they walk towards the trailer, Will and Mike are waiting, also smiling.

“You guys are creeping me out.” You laugh, “what is happening?”

“No questions!” Max says, as she, Lucas, and El also join the group that’s leading you inside. In front of the trailer, Steve, Vicki, Nancy, Jonathan, Jeff and Grant are all waiting. Each of them holds a single rose, which they hand to you as you walk towards the door. The realization of what’s happening is kicking in as you see the cars out front. Your parents, hopper, Gareth's parents. Everyone is here - which means…which means.

“Makeup check.” Robin says, stopping her at the door with a huge grin and fussing with your hair.

“Rob-“ you start to ask.

Robin cuts you off, “listen to me, pretty girl. I know you well enough to know you probably know what’s behind that door, right?”

You nod.

“Good. Now get your ass in there before I start crying.”

You nod again, hugging her aggressively as she tries to fix your hair again.

She opens the trailer door and you can hear guitar, softly playing. You know it’s Eddie but you can’t see him, instead all you see is wall to wall flowers and candles. The inside of the trailer has never looked like this before, or smelled so sweet. Gareth is standing in front of you now, in the center of the room, a sloppy grin on his face.

“Hi” you whisper shyly, reaching out for him.

“Hi.” He whispers back, pulling you in.

“You ready?” He whispers in your ear as he holds you close, and you nod.

Carefully pulling away from you, he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a little black box before he shuffles down onto one knee.

You’re trying incredibly hard not to cry, and shockingly, so is he. You wipe a tear off his cheek with your thumb as he stumbles out a few words before clearing his throat.

“Will you - will you marry me?” He gets out, eyes watery as they look up at you longingly.

“YES.” You shriek, toppling into him as he laughs. You hear the guitar squeak as Eddie throws it off and bounds out from the kitchen.

“SHE SAID YES.” He yells, slamming the door open. “YES!”

Chaos is erupting around you as everyone floods in, the room filling with your friends and family. You stay wrapped around Gareth as choruses of congratulations and “finally!” surround the both of you. This is the best day ever.

—-

Hours later, well into the night, you’re back at your apartment with Gareth. At midnight, Wayne had ushered everyone out, sneaking the both of you out first with a box of pizza and some champagne so you could escape the clean up. You’d barely made it inside the car before Gareth had you smashed up against the door, hungrily attacking your mouth with passion that could only come from being pent up for weeks about the day. You leaned into it, rolling your tongue along his teeth as he moaned into your mouth. He only pulled back when Eddie slapped the passenger window and yelled , “get a room.”

You flipped him off as Gareth rolled the windows down and started the car.

He visibly was in a rush as he drove back to your apartment, glancing at you every few minutes with a huge smile on his face.

“Someone’s happy.” You teased, giggling as he shook his head and laughed at you.

“I’m marrying the prettiest girl in the world, can you blame me?”

You blushed, and leaned over, sliding your (now ring-laden) hand across his denim-covered crotch.

“Prettiest girl in the world, huh?”

He groaned, leaning back to give you room.

“Don’t tease me, baby.”

“I’m not!” You say innocently, running your hand over his growing erection.

His face was all red again, eyes locked on the road as you reached for his zipper and slid out of your seat.

“How could I possibly tease the cutest boy in the world?” You say slowly, nuzzling your face into his stomach as he drives, his cock pressing out of his boxers underneath you.

He moans again as you slide your hand up his clothed shaft and press kisses to his tip.

“You’re gonna kill us both,” he whines, one hand flying to your hair as you start to pump him with your hands.

“So pull over then.” You say, pawing at his boxers until his cock is free.

He’s panting, cock leaking precum as he pulls off to the side of the road. Your hands are fully wrapped around his length, pumping away, and you lean in and take him in your mouth as he parks.

You can hear him letting out the most guttural noises as you suck, letting drool slide out of your mouth and onto his legs as he ruts into your mouth.

“S-so good.” He stutters, pulling your hair away from your face as you bob up and down, your own whining echoing through the car as you feel him twitch against the roof of your mouth. Flattening your tongue, you run it up the underside of his shaft while looking up at him, eyes begging him to cum on you. It sends him over the edge, as he grunts, cum splattering across your face and the steering wheel.

You giggle, straightening up. “See, not dead!”

His cheeks are bright red, eyes locked on you as wipe your face with one finger and pop it into your mouth, savoring the salty taste.

“Keep doing that and I’m gonna cum again.” He mutters, reaching around you for something to wipe off the rest of your face. Finding nothing, he pulls off his shirt and delicately wipes away the mess from your face, then the car. You plop happily back in the passenger seat, snuggling in as he gives you a confused look.

“My turn when we get home.” You wink and he grins, starting the car again.

The best part of giving him head in the car is getting to watch him after, cheeks glowing and hair tussled as the music blares. You also know you’re in for it when you get home.

As the two of you pull into the apartment complex, you fumble for your keys, not bothering to get your book bag out of the back. Gareth barely lets you out of the car before picking you up and slinging you over his shoulder. He’s short, but he’s strong as hell, which comes in handy when you like to be man handled. You walk inside, and he tosses you onto the sofa and slams the door shut behind him.

“Mine.” He mumbles, not bothering to undress himself before diving between your legs. You’d worn a skirt today, and he thanked Ozzy for the easy access. Ripping your panties off, he slides both hands under your ass and licks at your wet folds, making you cry out.

He hums into your cunt, lapping away as your hands run through his hair and tug him closer to you. When Gareth eats pussy it’s like the rest of the world stands still. He always starts hungrily, like he’s starving and then get slower, letting you wind up before sending you crashing down again. He angles your hips up with his hands still grabbing onto the flesh of your butt, tongue circling around your clit as you start to beg.

“Gare-“ you cry out, writhing as he pulls his face away. Your juices cover his chin, and gloss his lips.

“Yes honey?”

You giggle. “I wanna ride your face.”

His eyes get wider and he practically throws you off the couch to make room.

“Don’t have to ask me twice,” he grins, “have a seat, princess.”

You straddle his face, his hands greedily pressing into the flesh of your thighs as he laps at you again, soliciting another moan.

You whine, arching your hips onto his face, falling apart as you feel his tongue along your clit again. He slides a finger into and starts pumping as you ride his face into the cushion.

“P-please daddy.” You moan, grabbing onto the sofa for support as your legs start to shake. He slaps your ass and you start to see white light spiraling across your vision.

“I’m gonna cum-“ you moan, panting.

He slides in another finger and it sends you over the edge, crying out as your legs tremble. He slides you down onto his chest as you come down from your high, curls plastered to his forehead and the chain around his neck hanging haphazardly.

“I got to K.” He chuckles, and you smack him lightly. You’re both a mess but you lean in for a kiss anyway.

“I love you.” He whispers.

“I love you more.” You whisper back.

With a wink, he says. “I love you most.”

#gareth emerson #gareth the great #gareth emerson x reader #gareth smut #stranger things #rosemaryandarsenic rants #gareth emerson x y/n

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