#this would be an ESPECIALLY BAD TIME. TOO. RIGHT AFTER NICA GETS A LETTER FROM MICHAEL

[applebunch]

WAIT WHAT IF MICHAEL DIES NEXT EPISODE. HM.

[liw-the-melancholic-apple]

How it may have gone - Humble Beginnings

A fic taking place in the marauders era. While the political climate seems to head to a conflict, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter are still just teenagers. Dealing with typical teenage problems.

But this year their little group grows. Who would have known that more prefects would be a good thing?

Masterlist

Eight: New Year, new me III

We nearly missed breakfast. As the very last student we walked into the Great Hall to grab the rest of the Sunday buffet. None of us looked truly alive but the adrenaline of sharing a secret and the excitement of maybe running into Crick had us all on edge. 

The Potter-posse was nowhere to be seen when we sat down and dug in but waited for us on the steps when we walked back into the foyer. They weren’t the only ones, though. Magnus leaned against the wall and waved Chloe over, Toby standing next to him. My heart dropped. Hopefully they would talk about something completely irrelevant and not me or Crick. 

“I hear you’ve become quite the ladies’ man!”, Nica bellowed messing up Pettigrew’s hair. 

“So, you told them”, he looked at me. 

“Yep.” 

“Everything?”, Remus asked cautiously. 

“Yep!” 

“Then we finally get to brag about our heroism! Killed me that we couldn’t do that yesterday!”, Potter cheered and pulled us all into the snowy courtyard, telling the story from his perspective – it nearly sounded creepy the way he described how Crick tried to kiss me – and giving all the girls sufficient time to ‘oooh’ and ‘aaah’.  

“And that is how us noble men saved the fair lady”, he ended. 

“I’m so proud of you, James”, I applauded him. “You haven’t even exaggerated that much.” 

“Hang on, did you just call me James? Are you feeling alright?” 

“Yes, I am. I just figured after you have rescued me from a truly uncomfortable situation and provided shelter for me, it would only be a token of my gratefulness and respect to use your first name.” That wasn’t completely true. Not a lie necessarily, but not the truth either. I had decided to call Sirius Sirius and I had decided to not tell any of the girls that I knew he lived with the Potters. So, I had to come up with a reason to call him by his first name and this was the best I had. Besides, I was grateful. And I did respect all of them. 

“Honoured!” 

“Does that go for all of us?” 

“It does, Peter, if you’re okay with it.” 

“Absolutely.” 

“Won’t change anything for me, I guess. You already call me Remus all the time.” 

“I could go with Remus John. Or Rems.” 

“Remus is fine, thanks.” 

“And obviously the honourable man who took a hit for you for will be referred to by his given name”, Milla cleverly directed the conversation towards the question we all had. To be perfectly honest I hadn’t thought about what Sirius might have done to get punched by Crick until I retold the story but I now really wanted to know. I was properly shocked to hear that their conversation had gotten physical but Sirius had made a point of not telling me what he did to get his bloody lip. When he pushed Crick away from me he was calm and calculated, but I reckoned Crick would have not punched him without provocation. 

“Obviously”, I answered. 

“Why did he punch you?”, Blair asked quickly. 

Sirius extinguished his cigarette. 

“Why does it matter?” 

“Because a) we don’t know Crick to be violent and b) we didn’t think you would take it without striking back”, Blair answered. 

“I didn’t ‘strike back’, he sarcastically stretched the last two words “because I figured Cricket was already feeling like shit.” 

“Okay, and how did you get that busted lip?” 

“I said something he didn’t like to hear.” 

“Come on! What did you say?”, Nica whined. 

He still wouldn’t look at me. Not once since we’d been out here. Now, he hesitated to answer, scuffing his feet. I was sure that he would have normally used his soul-seeing eyes to get my approval or okay but he didn’t. 

“I really don’t think it matters.” He abruptly walked through us, bumping into Remus and Milla and went back to the castle. 

“What the hell?” 

“He’s been weird recently”, James explained. “Don’t focus on that too much. Reckon he’ll be back to normal in no time.” 

“You know what he said, right?”, Milla bat her doll eyes at Remus, frowning in the cutest way possible. Stellar performance. 

“Oh, don’t look at me like that!” 

“But I’m really curious! And Jette feels bad about it.” 

Remus looked at me. “You do?” 

“Of course, I do. Felt bad about all of it. Feel bad about all of it. I didn’t want my naiveté to cause anybody any harm…” 

“For the one thousandth time: Not your fault”, Peter said, stern face and voice. 

“Just tell them, man”, James demanded. “They’ll be bugging us about it anyway and he’s just being dramatic.” 

“You tell them.” 

“Fine! Cricket kept going on about how de… Jette – feels weird to say that –“ 

“I know. We’ll all get used to it.” 

“… how Jette was a tease and did all of it on purpose. He got really angry. Sirius told him to calm down and asked whether he honestly believed Jette would do that. But that didn’t help and Cricket got even more furious and called you some nasty names, apparently”, James said, head turned to me, face apologetic. 

“Sirius said something along the lines of: “No wonder she doesn’t want you if that’s what you think of her. You don’t deserve her. ‘And that was the last straw and Cricket hit him.” 

I stared at him open-mouthed.  

“He didn’t!” 

“You saw the lip Milla, it wasn’t there before he took Cricket away.” 

“Not what I mean. Crick didn’t really call her a slut, did he?” 

“Sirius didn’t give us the details. But something like that I’m sure.” 

Not only did he get beat because he helped me out. He also got beat because he defended me. I had expected him to have told Crick that I wasn’t worth the drama. Not that he didn’t deserve me. Good thing I told him that people didn’t give him enough credit when he still talked to me. I hadn’t given him enough credit. Not by a long shot. 

“Has he gone mental?” Nica’s yelling got me out of my head and I closed my mouth. “He’s known her her whole life, he knows that she’s as much a slut as skunk!” 

“Thanks, love. But he was really upset. I don’t think he meant it.” 

“Sounds like you haven’t talked to him yet”, Peter found. 

“Not since New Year’s.” 

“Your decision or his?”, Peter asked on. 

“Both I’d say. I don’t even know where to begin and he probably still hates me. Jonas said he’d calm down but I doubt it. Couldn’t wait to get away from me after Dad dropped us off at the station.” 

I heard their voices shouting and arguing before I even entered the foyer. I knew that it was them before I saw them.  

“Are you really that thick!?! Of course that’s what she’d say. As if she’d admit to it!” 

“You know her! As if she’d ever do it!” 

“Why would Crick lie?” 

“He doesn’t on purpose, you idiot. He’s hurt. He’s overreacting.” 

“So, you’re taking her side? You think what she���s done is okay?” 

“Not falling for someone who fell for you? Yeah, that’s okay!” 

“What about her leading him on?” 

“Mer-lin! She didn’t! Or did you see her do that?” 

Magnus fell silent for a moment to think whether he had and I used the opportunity jump in between them. 

“Chloe, you promised me you wouldn’t argue about it. Please, just agree with him and be together and be happy.” 

“He thinks you kept Crick on the hook for kicks!” 

“So, what? I really don’t care, Chloe. I know that Crick hates me. I expect him to convey that to his friends. Magnus is a good friend. He believes what Crick says. Just agree with him and be done with it.” 

“But you didn’t do that, Jette!” 

“Chloe, please! I don’t need to ruin anybody else’s January. Crick’s fuming, Sirius’ got a bloody lip, Jonas is all awkward. You two will not fall victim to this goddamn drama! As soon as Crick doesn’t give me looks of death anymore, I’ll talk to him and try to clear it up. Until then I’m perfectly fine with Magnus and Toby wishing the Dragon pocks upon me as long as you’re still his”, I vaguely gestured at Mag. “girlfriend.” 

Not waiting for an answer I pulled her with me by her arm, leaving Mag and the rest of our friends behind. I dragged her into the common room, made her promise again that she would not argue with Mag over me and went up to my dorm. I was not perfectly fine with Magnus and Toby wishing the Dragon pocks. I hated it. Just like I hated Crick looking at me in disgust. Just like I hated Sirius not looking at me at all. Just like I hated Jonas avoiding me. Just like I hated keeping secrets from and lying to my friends. 

I kept hating all of that for the next three weeks. Because for those next three weeks it all stayed the same. Mag and Toby were mad at me, Crick looked at me like I was some disgusting insect, Sirius ignored my existence, Jonas avoided me and I had to keep secrets from my friends. In order to not keep lying to them, though, especially after they noticed that Sirius ignored me and asked me about it, I became quite the loner. 

In the beginning I made up excuses to head back to the common room after meals and smoke at the terrace instead of going with the rest. But by the second week I didn’t say anything anymore. 

I had volunteered for all the things in the prefect meetings and taken on more nightshifts than I needed, just to have excuses to get away and be quiet a lot of the time. To keep busy and alone in the weekends I hardly did any of my homework through the week, so I had to do it then. The time I gained by that on week nights I spent either reading in my bed, chatting to Felix or writing to my parents. Actually, for the first time since homesickness-stricken first year I wrote lengthy letters home. In the first one I had explained what had happened with Crick and all the consequences. Turned out that Mr and Mrs Cricket had heard all of it from Jonas on the first of January and informed my parents immediately. They told me to keep my head up and hope for the best. 

The second one was only addressed to Dad. Although I thought that he had told Mum all about Sirius but I didn’t want to feel the risk. I asked him what his pretermitting me meant and how I should deal with it. He said he didn’t know. That I should probably ask him that. Assure him that I was his friend. Stuff like that.

The only good thing that came from all this heartache was that Chloe and Magnus stopped arguing when I disappeared into isolation. I didn’t really know why but I was happy about it. Those two were meant to be together. But I loved Chloe for being on my side. 

“Protego!” Joe’s Tarantallegra didn’t hit me. We were going through the common defences and counter jinxes in Defence against the Dark Arts. 

“Locomotor Mortis!” He reacted well too late and his legs got locked in their current position. I gave Joe a moment to think of the counter jinx but he gave up quickly and shot me a look. 

“Mitterio”, I waved my wand at him. 

In his next attempts he threw arrows and ropes at me which I easily countered with two Impedimenta-spells before I had him laughing on the ground and disarmed. 

“Very nice, Miss de Witt, very nice. Go on like this and your practical OWL should be a walk through the park.” 

“Thank you, Sir.” 

Joe had used Professor Horton’s interruption to throw the Pimple jinx at me and it worked but hardly long enough to even register. “Finite Incatatem!” 

“Oppugno!” I pointed my wand at my empty bag first and Joe second but his Protego worked out this time. 

“By the Sirens, Jette, give me a break”, he huffed, smiling, clearly impressed with himself. 

“Sure.” 

“Miss de Witt” Professor Horton came over to my desk. “You know that there are extra points in the practical exam for conjuring a Patronus, don’t you.” 

“Indeed, Sir, I do.” 

“Why don’t you give this a read while Mr Fox catches his breath. I think you’ll find it understandable and not too challenging.” He handed me parchment with instructions and illustrations on how to produce a Patronus. 

“I think you’re more than capable of getting those extra points. At least for conjuring a non-corporal one.” 

“Thank you, Sir. I appreciate it.” 

I studied the illustrations first. Nothing overly complicated. Hold out the wand in front of you, arm fully extended. Once your Patronus had materialised you could direct it with your wand to wherever you wanted it to be. Simple enough. On to the instructions. 

“To conjure a Patronus one has to focus all positive energy into the spell. This can be done most effectively when thinking of a happy if not the happiest memory one has. It seems important to note that said memory mustn’t be tainted by melancholy, sadness, nostalgia or any other negative feeling. Alternatively one can manufacture a happy scene in one’s head. In this case the scene should be imagined to every last tiny detail, including the voices of present people, every leave in the background and the position of the sun and the cast shadows. One needs a vivid imagination to conjure a Patronus with such a thought.  Once the happiest memory is fully formed before one’s inner eye, the wand is raised to stretched arm and the charm’s formula Expecto Patronum is spoken. This is the very moment the memory needs to be visible, audible and felt as this is the moment the positive energy is concentrated into the spell.  If the memory was strong enough and the caster concentrated enough the Patronus will now appear, either in corporal or in non-corporal form. The corporal Patronus is the strongest of Patroni, capable of providing protection against most offensive spells and very capable of keeping a dementor at bay. Corporal Patroni take the shape of whatever creature best represents the caster’s personality or values.  A non-corporal Patronus manifests as silvery dust or mist and is a weaker version of the charm. While lesser attacks can be successfully avoided, not all offensive spells can be warded off. Furthermore, a non-corporal Patronus can sometimes be useful against dementors but not always.  A Patronus is directed to defend by pointing the wand at whatever danger one finds oneself in.” 

I read the parchment several times while Professor Horton took it upon himself to partner up with Joe. A happy memory. The happiest memory. I took a moment to concentrate. 

The ceiling was a dark purple, pink clouds spattered upon it, the moon already visible, the sun not yet fully disappeared. It was breathtaking. I took next to Milla holding her hand. Behind us were four huge tables, filled with students of all ages. Crick sat at the second from the left, wearing a yellow tie, Tristan to his left, Jonas to his right. He had smiled and given us a thumbs-up when we had followed Professor McGonnagal through the path in the middle of the Great Hall.  The closer the professor got to the letter S on her sorting list, the harder Milla and I squeezed each other’s hands. Since August we had assured each other that we were too similar and too good friends to be sorted into different houses. It was impossible. Then, again, we saw a set of twins with the last name Brown be sorted into two Ravenclaw and Slytherin respectively. Twins were probably as alike as possible.  “Scribe-Anderson, Milla!” A last squeeze, then I let go of her hand. She walked up to the chair calm and collected on the outside but I knew that she was going just as crazy as I was. The hat was placed on her and fell silent. Milla mumbled to herself, pulling her forehead in wrinkles.  “Hufflepuff!”, the high but enormously loud voice yelled through the hall. Crick’s table applauded and stood up. Milla smiled in relief, grinned at me and took her seat between Tristan and Crick at the yellow table.  Part one of our plan had been a success. We wanted to be in the same house as all the Crickets. They were like brothers anyways and we wouldn’t be fully alone in the quest to navigate the terrifyingly big castel.  Part two of the mission was to get me into Hufflepuff as well. Milla had done her job. Now only I could screw it up. I got more nervous by the minute watching the T’s, U’s and V’s all take their seat on the little stool and getting sorted.  “de Witt, Jette!” She didn’t pronounce my name right. She’d said Dooit. Whatever, I thought, more important matters to attend to. I hoped I looked as cool as Milla when I walked up to the little podium but I doubted it. Professor McGonnagal gave me a surprisingly warm smile, then the Great Hall disappeared when the big hat fell over my eyes.  “Interesting, interesting. Both parents Hufflepuffs, but grandparents in Ravenclaw and Gryffindor… A strong need for harmony, for companionship. You don’t like being alone.” I shook my head. I didn’t.   “Your friends are important to you. You’d let nothing ever happen to them, hm? And I see a strong sense of justice in you. Of tolerance. A need for equality. Will you do the best you can in your classes?” I nodded. Of course I would. This was the coolest thing ever. I wanted to do well and learn as much as humanly possible.  “Well, then, I think it’s safe to say that you’re a HUFFLEPUFF!”  My face lit up. Hufflepuff. Like Milla. Like Crick. Like Jonas. Like Tristan. I would be with my family. Thank Merlin. I jumped off the stool and skipped over to the applauding table, got pulled into a hug by Jonas and high-fived by Tristan. Milla beamed and pushed Crick away so we could sit next to each other.  “Told you everything would be fine, Libby, haven’t I? We’ll be best friends and siblings for the next six years. Nothing will ever get between us, I promise”, Crick said when he offered me some pumpkin juice. I believed him. 

I concentrated hard on that feeling lightness and joy and relief when I had been sorted in the only house that was a real option for me. I raised my wand, took another moment and said the spell. Absolutely nothing happened. Nothing of interest, that is. I realised that my eyes had started burning and a lump had built in my throat. 

He’d promised nothing would ever come between us. Seemed I wasn’t the only who lied. I fought back the tears and forced myself to regain my composure. The last thing I needed right now was a nervous breakdown in front of 30 students. 

For the fifth time I read the instructions on the parchment. The  memory mustn’t be tainted by melancholy, sadness, nostalgia or any other negative feeling. Should have taken that into account. With the state I was in at the moment every memory that had Crick in it would be tainted by nostalgia, melancholy, anger, despair, the urge to yell at him and longing for better times. No chance to cast a Patronus with a memory that starred him. 

That basically knocked out at least 90% of all my memories. Crick had been a constant in my life just like Mum, Dad and Felix. Or Milla. What was left? A couple of holidays my family had taken, none of them bad but none of them the happiest memory either. Those were out. I loved going on holiday but the feeling I had when I knew I was going to sleep in the same room as Milla and eat every meal with my ‘brothers’ was practically unbeatable. 

Head on my desk I ignored the shouting and laughing around me, trying to find a memory that would come even close to the one that had just nearly made me cry. Was there any. 

“Look out!” 

“Protego!” Pure instinct. I heard the scream and felt a little breeze and conjured the protective invisible wall without even thinking and before I had looked up. No thirty centimetres in front of me on eyelevel floated a chair, legs pointed at me. Who was so stupid as to throw chairs at their friends? “Finite Incatatem.” The chair fell to the ground with a lot of noise that was even louder because the entire class had stopped duelling to watch me get impaled by dumb piece of wooden craftsmanship.  

“Impressive display of reflex, Miss de Witt. And impressive execution of the protection spell. 20 points to Hufflepuff.” He addressed the rest of the class. “Take note. This is excellent defence and a guaranteed “O” in your OWL exam. This kind of quick thinking and self-preservation is at the core of your lessons for Defence against the Dark Arts. Now, don’t stand around! On you go and practice.” 

Chloe and Blair came over.  

“Wow. I knew you were good but I didn’t know you could do all those spells in your sleep”, Blair grinned at me. I weakly smiled back. It had been forever since we’d had an actual conversation. My self-inflicted isolation hadn’t given us many opportunities. 

“Thanks, mate.” 

“I thought McAllen would blind you!”, Chloe gasped. “Idiot! If you don’t know how to use the goddammn spell, then don’t.” She quickly punished him with a very disapproving look. He still stood frozen in place. 

“Poor thing”, Blair found. 

“Oi, McAllen, I’m fine. No hard feelings, okay? Just practice with pillows for the time being, yeah?” He looked at me in shock. I smiled as warmly and reassuringly as I could manage and he slowly unfroze. 

“Shit, de Witt, I’m sorry, man. I meant to use the jacket.” Well, he would not apply to the auror offices any time soon, that was certain. 

“It’s all good. Don’t sweat it.” 

“He’s got you on Patroni?”, Chloe asked, my parchment in hands. 

“Yeah, but it’s gonna take a while before that’ll ever work.” 

“I don’t think so. You’re excellent at Defence.” 

“Be that as it may, most of my happy memories have Crick in them. So, not exactly untainted…” 

“Still no progress on that front then?”, Blair rubbed my back while she exchanged looks with Chloe. They were worried. Of course they were. They were good friends and had more than just noticed that I kind of fled the room whenever they entered. 

“Nope. He still looks at me like I’m the love child of a ghoul and a mountain troll.” Chloe snorted. “Charming picture.” 

“He’ll come around. Mag’s already coming around to the idea that you might not be an evil bitch but just an unobservant naïve little thing. And if he does, so will Crick.” A flicker of hope lit up in my heart. 

“That’d be great”, I admitted. 

Horton shooed them away to get back to duelling and I looked back down at the Patronus instructions. What other really good days had I had? Moments of pure delight?  

The first thing that came to mind was the last Saturday before Christmas break. No worries, a snowball fight, a couple rounds of quidditch and some sneaking around in secret passages before going to a glamorous party. That was a really good day. But before I really had chosen a still from that day to use as an inspiration for my Patronus, I realised that it would be just as useless as the memory of my sorting. Negative feelings. Sirius had been with us that entire day. Sirius who wouldn’t look at me, who wouldn’t speak to me, who decided I didn’t exist. Sirius who had moved in with the Potters because his own parents had raised their fists to him, and probably their wands. Sirius who didn’t want anyone to know. Sirius who seemed to think I wasn’t trustworthy. 

That memory would never work as an untainted happy one. 

Alternatively one can manufacture a happy scene in one’s head. In this case the scene should be imagined to every last tiny detail, including the voices of present people, every leave in the background and the position of the sun and the cast shadows. One needs a vivid imagination to conjure a Patronus with such a thought. 

A vivid imagination I had. The nightmares that had tortured me ever since the new year had begun were proof of that. I was either chased down the forest path between Marlow’s Creek and Godric’s Hollow by Crick yelling all kinds of insults at me and grabbing me; or I stood in a dimly lit room with black and green walls watching two faceless figurines with shrieking voices fire spells and jinxes and curses at Sirius who lay on the floor screaming in pain, begging for them to stop, blood all over his face.  

In that second dream I was never able to move. I couldn’t help I was absolutely useless and just watched Sirius scream and sob in agony. A mind that can come up with such twisted scenarios had to be capable of imagining a detailed happy scene. Maybe I should give that a go. 

“Okay, wands down!” Horton yelled and restored the class room to its usual state by a wave of his wand. 

“In the next lesson we’ll continue. I’d like you all to hand in a three foot essay on your strongest and your weakest offensive and defensive spells, then. I’d like to do some individual work with each of you in the next weeks. Class dismissed!” 

I packed my bag in record time and rushed to the front table to hand back the parchment.  

“Oh, no, keep it. Use it to practice. I’d love to see you conjure a Patronus in that exam.” 

“Thank you, Sir. I would, too.” 

I pushed the parchment in my backpack and walked out the classroom and to the staircase without taking notice of my surroundings. That had become my new routine. If you don’t see your friends waiting for you, you can’t feel bad for ignoring them.  

I entered one of the secret passages the boys had shown us to make it to lunch without having to navigate all the first years that would block the staircases and was about to illuminate my wand when I heard voices and froze in place. 

“I cannot believe that it’s just the Crick-thing. Why would she run from us if she has trouble with him?” Blair. 

“We all usually came as a combi deal. I mean, for the price of one Scribe-Anderson you got three Crickets and two de Witts. And she definitely saw me talk to him a couple of weeks ago.” Milla. 

She was right. I had seen her and Crick talk and laugh in the common room that day. They seemed like nothing had changed between them and I didn’t want to ruin that. It had been the last drop. When I saw that I decided to keep to myself for a while. 

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Nica. 

“Maybe she doesn’t run from us, maybe she runs from Crick. Crick, who usually comes with a free Milla. Milla who usually comes with a free threepack of friends.” 

“But we’re not always with Crick.” Chloe. 

“She should know that her chances of running into Crick are like zero when we’re with James, Remus, Peter and Sirius.” When had Chloe switched to using their first names?  

“That’s why I said that it’s not just Crick. Since the break Sirius and Jette don’t talk, haven’t you noticed? They used to have those little private conversations all the time an now they don’t even say hello.” 

“Remus says that they were gossiping about him and me, when they did that whispering thing. They tried to get us together. Maybe now that we actually have a date there’s no need for that anymore.” 

“Even if that’s true, why would they stop talking all together?”, Blair asked and I imagined her imitating McGonnagal’s inquisitive look. An art that she had perfected. 

“I bet something happened over break”, Nica commented. 

“A lot happened over break”, Chloe shot back. 

“I mean something neither one of them is telling us. Maybe they had a fight, maybe they snogged. But something happened I’m telling you. Otherwise she wouldn’t dodge every single human being she knows.” 

Touché, Nica. That was nearly spot on. I suddenly felt bad eavesdropping on them and backed out of the passage to take the crowded stairs. At lunch Felix had saved me a seat and I joined the lively discussion he and his friends had about the next quidditch game: Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw. It would take place the weekend after Valentine’s and wasn’t that far away anymore.  

When I got up to go for a smoke I passed the girls who had changed subjects and were now planning their day in Hogsmeade. Milla would finally go on that long awaited date with Remus in less than 24 hours and the rest wanted to spill their Christmas money. I had homework to do and thirdyears to tutor. Besides, I was to work the nightshift on Sunday and needed to rest up for that. None of my friends had bought that story but they also hadn’t succeeded in changing my mind. 

I was dying to find out whether Milla and Remus would get it together and I would have loved to spy on them in Hogsmeade but everybody would be in the village, from Crick to the Potter-posse and I didn’t need that. 

I would have a quiet day in and then interrogate Milla about hers as soon as she got back. While in my head thinking, I didn’t notice where I was going and was rather surprised when I found myself in the courtyard, cigarette in hand. ‘The might of routine”, my mother would have said. I looked around myself. Nobody in sight that would pose a threat to my fragile peace of mind. I inhaled the smoke and instantly the tension in my neck loosened up a bit. 

Eyes closed and head rotating I must have stood there for a couple of minutes. 

“It’s alive!” I jumped at the voice. 

“Hansel, Gretel and the ginger bread house!! You scared the hell out of me, Peter!” 

“And it speaks.” 

While I had tried to calm down and not be a nervous wreck my friends had obviously gone on their after-meal-date. All of them looked at me. All of them but Sirius. 

“Of course it speaks. It always has”, I answered, trying to not sound panicked.  

“Thought you’d had enough of us, now that we’ve become noble heroes. Thought maybe we weren’t interesting or exciting anymore.” 

“Oh, shush. You know that’s not true. I’m just under the weather from that whole… you know. I’m still as charmed and fascinated by you as ever.” I blew James a kiss. It felt good to be here with them and talk nonsense. I had really missed that over the last few weeks. 

“Good. Good. That’s good.” 

“Horton has Jette doing Patroni now. As the only one in the whole class”, Blair said proudly, obviously trying to keep me with them by engaging me in the conversation. 

“Nice!”, Remus raised his hand for a high-five. “How’s it going?” 

“Pretty badly. Turns out most of my happy memories involve Crick and when I think of him I’m not really capable of concentrating my positive energy.” 

“Well, that’s just insulting!”, James bellowed. 

“How much fun have you had with us, hm? Most of your happy memories should include us, not that sulking baboon.” I smiled. 

“I have a lot of happy memories including you, but I’m afraid they’re not as powerful as… I don’t know… first day of school or when I got my first broom. He was there for all of those things.” 

“Fair enough.”  

“If you need help with the charm, though, I’m sure Sirius would help you out. He got an impossible score on his OWLs last year because his Patronus was perfect. Should be worth a try to learn from the best”, Peter suggested. I hesitated for moment. Sirius had still not recognised my existence. Then I decided that I enjoyed conversations like these and being surrounded by my friends too much to live in isolation because he had a problem he didn’t even tell me about. 

“Would you mind helping me out? I mean I’ll give it another go and look through my diaries to think of a good memory but if that doesn’t help could I beg you to take pity on me?” I hoped it sounded sarcastic like usually. Hoped it showed him that we were friends. But he stoically watched the ivy on the other wall and exhaled smoke. 

“Sirius? Would you mind?”, I tried again, now a little louder. Still nothing. 

“I’m asking you a question.” I was audibly irritated. No, I was fuming. I had done nothing to deserve this childish punishment.  

“By Merlin’s Beard, Sirius, we all know that you can me hear me. If you can’t stand the sight of me, fine, but at least have the decency to tell me no.” No reaction at all. Like I was a bird chirping in the distance. 

“This is ridiculous, do you realise that? I’ve done nothing wrong! I was just there. I didn’t even ask the stupid question. That was my dad. And he only made small-talk, he was being polite. The one who actually told me – no him! – was Euphemia and I doubt that you neither can nor should be mad at her, because she had no bad intentions whatsoever. But the one person you can’t blame for anything is me, Sirius! I was just there! And I didn’t know what she would answer, how could I? If I’d known I’d just left that damn kitchen. I didn’t know, though.

And I don’t see why you need to pretend that I don’t exist. It doesn’t make sense. What have I done to deserve that, huh? Nothing. It was obvious you didn’t want me to know and so I pretended I never did. But you had already decided that I wasn’t worth your time or attention anymore.” 

“Oh no, that’s what this is about?”, James cut me off. 

“I didn’t even think of that”, Remus commented. “Never realised it was news to her.” 

“What d’you want me to do? I’ve already tried pretending it never happened, I’ve tried avoiding you – at a high cost, by the way because that meant I had to avoid basically of my friends – and counting this very interaction I’ve tried asking you to not shut me out. 

And I’m done trying! I’m done sitting around alone. I’m done feeling absolutely terrible without even knowing why. I’m done with the nightmares and I’m done lying to my best friends. And that doesn’t mean I’ll tell them what I heard but I will answer their questions and I will be around, so you’ll have to deal with it! Okay?” Of course I didn’t even get so much as a flinch. 

“Okay. Great. Glad we talked about it. Now who has a light that works?” 

Peter lit me up, eyes darting between me and Sirius. 

“Jette, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise you didn’t know. If I had I’d straightened this one out weeks ago.” 

“It’s not your fault, James.” 

“It kind of is.” James aggressively dragged Sirius away from us and started quietly shouting at him. Remus hugged me. 

“Tell me he is not the reason you kept away.” 

“Well, him and Crick. Hard to avoid the both of them without avoiding you.” 

“He’s an idiot. And so are we. It didn’t even register that it happened.” 

“Again, not your fault.” 

“What is even going on?”, Milla asked, hugging me. “What on earth was this all about?” 

“Not my story to tell, Milla.” 

“But…”  

“ It’s his business and he obviously wants no one to know. I might be done attempting to be his friend but I still have principles.” 

“Did you say nightmares?” Peter had sat down on the stone bench and didn’t even look at me.  

“I honestly don’t know what I said, Pete.”  

“Do you have nightmares because of it?”, he rephrased his question. 

“That doesn’t matter. What matters is that you all have not yet gotten rid of me!” 

“I think it matters.”  Peter got up and joined James and Sirius who were now standing at the staircase to the owlry, both gesturing a lot with their arms, obviously arguing. 

“Will nobody clue us in?”, Chloe wanted to know after a while. 

“All of this happens and we don’t get to know why or how?” 

“Jette’s right. It’s not our place. He’ll come ‘round.” Remus absentmindedly played with Milla’s hair, before he joined his friends. 

Under normal circumstances we would have all freaked out about that little gesture of intimacy and affection but there were other matters to attend to.  

“I mean you could’ve just told us that something was up if you didn’t want to spill a secret”, Blair started but the bell rang and they had to get to their second to last Astrology class. I stayed behind staring at the doors to the foyer. Then I looked back at the boys, all engaged in a very passionate discussion.