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24jnxh · 6 years

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Life Story #290

When I was still a toddler, grow to become a child, grow to become a teen, grow to become a youth, and now I’ve grow to become an adult, my life journey I can say is really a roller coaster ride that I’ve no idea how can I fight through it, and I’ve no idea how can I come so far, but I could say I’m really proud of myself for going through so much and yet now I’m returning to the community of society. When I was a child, when I was 9 years old, I’ve faced the first death of my family that is so close to me, she is my great-grandma, which belongs to my adoptive dad’s mother’s mum. I was so close to her that I’ll just skip school and stay at hospital at night to be right there for me, waiting for that moment she wake up and tell me “My child, I’m well now and feeling better.” But, I remembered so clearly that I did not wait for that sentence to come from her, but when I was sleeping I dream that she woke up and pat on my head and tell me “My child, I’m going to leave this world. All I want from you is to be good.” From that dream, I woke up and in my heart I said “Lucky is just a dream.” But I see like is abnormal and her face is pale, so I touched her hands, it is also cold. So I felt strange and called the doctors and using the hospital phone to call my parents. From then, I locked myself in the room for 3 days, and only the 3rd day I went to her wake and stayed there till the last day of the wake. All I could do that moment was to cry, and feeling so heart-pain. Remembered so clearly that, on her last journey I called all my cousins don’t cry because she won’t want us to cry so badly for her death. But, when we at Mandai, when we enter into the viewing hall, I was crying so loudly and after the whole thing, I asked my grandma “Where great-grandma going?” And all she could give me an answer was “She is no longer coming back but always in our heart.” When I was 10 years old, I’ve faced the second death of my family that is so close to me too, he is my great-grandfather, which belongs to my adoptive yet also my biological mum’s mother’s dad. I was so close to her that I blamed my family for not going to my bring to ask for my early dismissal. I blame them for still wanting me to go school when my great-grandfather is in such condition and that I can’t see him for his last moment. I remember that year, was also a TV show that I’m inside too, but he can’t wait for that show to starts. When the show played, it is during the wake Day 3 already. After watching, beside his coffin I said “Only if you can see I appear on TV, I believe you will be so proud of me and you will be proudly tell your friends that the one they saw is your great-grandchild.” I remember for that 4 days of wake, how busy everyone is and the void-deck is pack and there is not enough chairs and tables for the relatives, families and friends to sit. The last day, I told my parents not to cry, but still back to the same. When about to push your coffin in, I cried the loudest among all. I could not stop myself because in my heart I’ve closed myself up. When I was 11 years old, I’ve decided to face my heart’s problems and decided to walk through it and not stop myself from overcoming. I seek school’s counselor to help me, and I really see myself more open up to my school people. But when I left Primary School and proceed to Secondary School, I stop assist help because I thought I was fine. But came to this breakdown that when I had a bad quarrel with this classmate of mine on my 13th birthday, I was so depressed and lost. I locked myself up once again, even I got bullied in class, my family don’t believe in me when I told them, and they said this “You don’t bully people, we already very happy.” That moment I realize my family trust to me was zero. But as my back spine getting more and more pain, my mum then decided to bring me to polyclinic and see a doctor go take review and referral to hospital for a check. But then time I have already getting more and more depressed when I was in Secondary 2, I often skipped school, pretend I’m sick to early go home and go mixed with bad companies, learnt how to smoke and drug addicted. I even self-harm myself when I was in class, and my classmate self-harm herself too. This night, my classmate’s dad called and scolded me say when I self-harm his daughter’s hand and stuffs. The next day, my mum went to my school and reported those who bullies me and the classmate’s dad and aunt came. When the counselor heard my story and another classmate story is the same that I did not hurt my classmate is she ownself did want, her dad and aunt don’t believe until the counselor talked to her privately and then she admitted that it is her who did so by herself is just she did not dare to admit to them so she pushed the blames to me. From then, I seek my school counselor helps and at the same time also outside counselor help. Slowly, I’m getting more and more better. But of course in the middle I did got arrested by police but of course there is nothing got to do with me because not my fault either as I did my part to stop them but they refuse to listen it to me. Though they want me to backup stories together with them but I chose not too, because it is not a right thing to do so. So shortly, I was actually not having any record and release at midnight. Not long later, my grandaunt passed away when I was 14 years old. In the wake, I came to know two of my aunts that is a christian and they brought me to church when I was 14 years old. I’m a person that is slow to communicate unless people first communicate with me but after awhile I will be okay to communicate. When I was 16 years old, I changed my cellgroup to current cellgroup, N532, they have really said gave me a lot of warm and love. It’s because their persistence in sowing into my life, got me open up to them. But of course there was once I locked myself up because 16 years old I got molested by a malay guy. I remember how I looked into death and many things, and it is my leaders persistence accompany me to meet counselor after counselor. Even I go back my counselling centre, they will also go with me. When I’ve an appointment with IMH, they will try their best to make time for me to go with me, but if not they will drop me a text and tell me “Don’t be afraid, not physically there to support you but my spirit is.” Afterwards, I realize I was diagnose with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD) . Afterwards, slowly I’m healed but certain guys I cannot help to be comfortable with but some I can. When my grandfather, which is my biological dad’s father passed away when I was 18 I think, on the 7th day of my grandfather’s death, my dad actually molested me in one way or another. I was so heartbroken because own father also like this to the child? I meet up with one of the leader to share and I was so tensed up and really so scared with guys around me. When I was 20 years old, suddenly I’m recovered like I’m not really that tight and scare anymore. But recently when similar things nearly to happen of course I will afraid but I will look for people to talk on the phone to calm and chill a little, but on another part I know God is with me too. But when last year, things in life start not to be smooth. My adoptive dad’s mum’s health condition occurs issue that goes to my grandfather too. I’ve to look after them and I have to work at the same time. But just right last year Oct, my great-granduncle passed away. With the kind heart of some of my CG members, they have actually drop-by to pay their respect to my great-granduncle, and one help me buy dinner still. In my heart, I’m really so touched by their actions and love. That really helps me keep me stronger. When my grandma have to go operation, doctor say it might not be a smooth operation because due to my grandma’s health condition but I was praying for a smooth want. All I can do is, to pray and to wait for her to be out from the operator room. Waited until 8 plus, around 10pm then all of us go back home because we want to go up and visit my grandma before going back. That moment when I stand beside her bed, my heart really breaks into million of pieces to see her going through all these and suffering in pain. Heart hurts me was my grandma said “If knowing so difficult, I will already tell you to give up and don’t cure me already, just let me go.” When I heard that, my heart really breaks. I want to find someone to talk, but I no idea who can I talk to. I asked God “God, come give me peace and heal my broken heart that I will be strong for my family.” And it really works. God heard my prayers. I thank God for my manager also, in that period of time it is her giving me the time I want to work and giving me the early dismissal to spend more time with my grandma. The year just started for the 6 days, my step-father’s dad passed away. I asked my manager could I take OFF and my PH from 7 Jan till 10 Jan, and she say “Of course and please eat your meals and take care of yourself.” I’m really thankful for her being my manager and that season of my life. And God was there in the midst of us and given me comfort and peace, I really thank God for it. Nothing can replace that peace from God. God’s love have helped me to overcome many difficulties in my life. A person that used to have suicide thoughts many years back, 6 months ago have already healed completely. It’s been 1 month since I’m helping the teens and the youths out there to deal with the suicide thoughts that they have within themselves. I’m really happy that I can give back to the community. When they told me “为什么你要帮我? 我不值得你的时间, 跟何况我们又不认识.” I will always say this “因为以前有人帮了我, 现在我帮你, 以后就到你帮别人. 这世界没有东西说值不值得.” Though it is a simple reply but yet it is from my deepest heart for this reply. So, I’m really proud of myself able to be helping them. That day when I was at carpark, kind of drunk but yet wanted to save my friend back from jumping yet I fell together with her, although I did not hurt so badly, but I could not save my friend back. In my heart, through the journey with her to hospital, I asked myself “Why I can help others but I can saved my friend?” Then I was so lost, but then yet my heart is praying that you can fight through this battle. Please don’t give up on living, can? You know, you can lose your parents and grandma, no one on Earth with you, but you have me. I’ve never leave you. I’m always waiting, waiting for you to share. I’ve a friendship. In my heart I want to help her but I could not do so. I know you need time, because it is not easy. But when you can, can give me a chance to help you and walk it through together with you? Can let me say something? To me, you can no need to hide. If sometimes you really feel so tired and wants to cry, just cry. If you really want burst it out, I’m just 8 numbers away from you, I’m just a call away and I’ll be there for you, and just a call I’ll rush down to look for you. Proverbs 17:17(GW) - “A friend always loves, and a brother is born to share trouble.” Proverbs 17:17(GNB) - “Friends always show their love. What are relatives for if not to share trouble?” Proverbs 17:17(MSG) - “Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble.” Why I give you three verse is the same but realize one thing the version is different? I want to use this verse to speak to you. You can be like those teens and youths I’m helping out there to think that you are not worth for me to try so many times, and putting effort to try help you. But let me tell you in from this verse, we are friends, we are family, we are siblings in christ, and we are called to share troubled and carry each other burden. Do you know why am I went to the extramiles for my this friend who attempt suicide? I remember my elder sister when she still alive, she really wants to help this friend of mine but she can’t do so anymore, so I want to continue what my elder sister wants to do for her. Though I excepted that she will want to jump, but I just went too in deep with her emotions and therefore I send message are like my last moment on Earth. I know it can be quite dangerous but because I using my ways to help her. Now I’m telling you, what you told me in the past. What has happened, it has happened. But what you can change, is yet to happened. Sometimes by giving people advise and encouragement, you will realize that the words can also be used on yourself, but it not easy to tell yourself that. So, now I’m telling you. I don’t know what you are going through, but I hope that three different version of verse can stick to you because that speaks of my thousand words of heart and my love for my sister-in-christ. Don’t doubt on yourself whether are you worth a not, because whether does it worth a not, is not for you to say, it is for me to say. I say you are worth, because God say so. I say you are worth, because God did not say you are not worth. We are all the apple of God’s eye. God did not say “You are not worth for my love. You are not worth for me to help.” GOD DID NOT SAY SO, but God say “You are worth of my love. You are worth for me to help you. You are worth for me to place people to guide you through.” GOD SAY YOU ARE WORTH. Don’t doubt on your worth, because you are indeed really worth. I’m outside that door, I want you to really smile. I’ve always tell you that laugh I have when I wish you guys is fake, actually is my real smile and my real laugh. You can see from my instagram when I posted my 21st birthday picture, when I’m about to cut cake that laugh and you always see is it the same, and you will know. I want you to know you can always be vulnerable to me, no need really carry up that stronghold on yourself. I don’t say doesn’t mean I don’t know anything, my dear sister. You don’t have to pretend in front of God’s people, my dear friend. No one will judge you, I won’t too. But my deepest heart is to walk through with you. I’m always waiting. I’ll say this one more time, and when I feel there is a NEED I will still do so again..YOU ARE WORTH ME DOING SO MUCH FOR YOU, MY DEAR SISTER! Life Story World - XH Ng Time Check: 9 May 2018/311pm

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