#tk knuckles Pruitt

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #25

[At a mission brief]

Leo: hey, I’ve got an idea-

Viper: no.

The Aviators:

Viper: oh, sorry, it’s a natural reaction. Please carry on LTJG. Wolfe.

Leo: so first we get some fuel in our jets-

Viper: Absolutely fucking not. Demerit. 

Crick: *bursting into the room and slams door shut clearly panicked*

Duckie: oh god what did you do?!

Crick: nobody died!

Duckie: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT!

Tee: I have a question.

Duckie: yeah?

Tee: can a person breathe in a washing machine while it’s on?

Duckie:

Tee: obviously this is all hypothetical-

Duckie: WHERE is Cricket?

Leo: books are for nerds.

Duckie: *smacks Leo on the head with a book*

Leo: NOOOO!

Leo: MY HAIR!

Leo: DUCKIE WHHHYYYY

Leo: *sobs loudly* I LOOK LIKE TEE!!

Tee: HEY!

Leo: *sobs in corner*

Crick: *tries to slap Leo’s ass as he walks past by*

Crick: *misses, trips and falls*

Leo: *tries to catch Crick but overbalances*

Leo: *tries to hold a chair for support*

Chair: *breaks*

Leo: *falls on top of Crick*

Duckie: *watching* it’s like watching two animals do an out-of-sync and very destructive mating dance.

Pregnant Chloe: you think we have enough responsibility to bring a child into this bunch of people and raise it?

Tee: Chloe, your problem is, is that you still see us as those idiots we were at school, when we were young, stupid and mostly high. But look at us now!

Chloe:

Duckie:

Cricket:

Daisy:

Leo:

Duckie: Leo’s hair is shorter.

Teacher: Mr. Wolfe, Ms Pruitts, I know it seems worthless to even ask but, Did you spike the Snowball Dance punch?

Duckie: something goes wrong, you blame us…

Cricket: after all these years, where’s the trust?

[pause]

The Trio: yes, we did.

Crick: Duckie. Prince Charming loves you.

Duckie: yeah, I’ve heard.

Crick: so will you go out with him?

Duckie: of course not.

Crick: PLEASE, DUCKIE!!

Duckie: I’m not sorry.

Crick: you don’t understand what you’re doing!

Duckie: I’m saying no to going out with the most arrogant guy in town.

Crick: no, he’s holding my chocolates hostage until I get you to agree to date him. Duckie PLEASE!!

Whiskey: well, honestly my favorite chocolate is-

Leo: *puts a hand over her mouth* Whiskey no

[distant rumbling]

Daisy: you can’t just go around saying that word!

Chatter: she didn’t know Daze!

Daisy: but still!

[house shakes]

[Duckie & Tee walks in]

Duckie: ..she said it didn’t she?

Dragon: said what-

[door bursts open]

Crick: DID SOMEONE SAY CHOCOLATE?!

Leo: why did Wood search ‘pretty names for a baby girl’ ARE YOU PLANNING TO HAVE A BABY?

Duckie: not that I’m aware of no. Maybe I should ask him?

Duckie: *after a few minutes* no, but he said ‘we’re planning to have a niece’, so maybe you should ask yourself, are you having a baby?

Leo: am I having a baby?

Birdie’s Basket: @dragon-kazansky @mrsjaderogers @bayisdying @starlit-epiphany @tngrace

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2 @interstellarloneliness

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #26

Pretty Boy: excuse me, have you ever been arrested?

Duckie: yes.

Pretty Boy: I was gonna say ‘because it’s illegal to be this cute’ but now I’m curious.

Duckie: aggravated assault.

Beau: did you call your sister dumb tonight?

Duckie: no.

Duckie: i said, ‘are you dumb?’

Duckie: I was asking her.

Beau: do you think that was appropriate?

Duckie: very much so.

Duckie: *on the phone* and if I don’t get my money, I WILL call your probation officer, BITCH!

Rick: who are you talking to?

Duckie: Tee.

Leo: I hate it when people scream.

Crick: that’s not what you said to me last night.

Pretty Boy: *opens a window*

Pretty Boy: go and throw yourself out.

Pretty Boy: you call it a near death experience…

Leo: we call it a vibe check from God.

Ice & Slider: *eye twitches*

Beau: new rule: no animals in the house.

Crick: wow, you’re really gonna throw Duckie out like that?

Beau: *whacks Crick on the head*

Duckie: Cricket stop! I promised dad we wouldn’t do anything dangerous!

Cricket: *in a child’s wagon on top of a hill* I can’t believe you would just lie to our father like that.

Duckie: *laughs & hops in the wagon w/ her sister* I’m just kidding, he doesn’t give a fuck what we do now.

Duckie & Cricket: *after doing something dumb* don’t blame us! It was like 3 am, our brain cells were sleeping!

Tee: what brain cells?

Pretty Boy: I’m not gonna fight with you!

Duckie: why, because I’m a woman?

Pretty Boy: no, because you’re scary

Duckie: oh, alright.

Leo: your eyes are so beautiful.

Crick: *putting her glasses on* thank you. They don’t work.

Birdie’s Basket: @dragon-kazansky @mrsjaderogers @bayisdying @tngrace @starlit-epiphany

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2 @interstellarloneliness

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery #12

{Wolfe & Pruitt family dinner w/ the aviators joining}

Ruth: oh this is just like when you two were little and you used to eat pretend supper. Hmm.

Katherine: only now, it won’t end up with Cricket sitting on Leo’s head.

Everyone but Leo & Cricket: *laughs*

Leo & Cricket: *embarrassed*

Duckie: so, how did you know that Ice and Slider was the one?

Dragon: he looked at me the way all women want to be looked at…

Cricket: awww!

Whiskey: with fear in his eyes.

Cricket:

Duckie: awww!

Ruth: I need a three letter word for ‘disappointment.’

John: leo.

Ruth: it fits.

Rick: all right, listen, I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice.

Rick: here comes the ‘smolder’

Rick: *does the ‘smolder’*

Duckie: *rolls her eyes and walks away*

Rick: *whispering to Leo* …this is kind of an off day for me. this doesn’t normally happen.

Rick: *gets pushed down by a horse after insulting her intelligence*

Rick: oh come on. she’s a bad horse!

Duckie: *petting horse and giving her nose kisses* oh, she’s nothing but a big sweetheart!

Rick: *glares at horse* highly doubt it Duck.

Katherine: honey, I put some sandwiches in your duffle bag.

Katherine: now why do you need such a big bag of oregano?

Duckie: Rick’s Italian.

Leo: Mrs. Pruitt, I have a black eye, and I need ice!

Katherine: I’m not doing anything else for men today.

Katherine: well, if it isn’t the love birds?

Katherine: so love birds, how are the big wedding plans coming along?

Duckie: well, I’ve decided to be the bride, and Rick’s going to go with groom.

Rick: *to Duck* I love you

Duckie: wrong number

Rick: you’re standing right in front of me

Duckie: wrong address

Rick: …

Cricket: please leave a message after the tone

Duck & Crick: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

{shows up at the Pruitt’s house with roses and knocks on door}

Cricket: hi Leo. did you buy me those?

Leo: yeah, just like you told me.

Cricket: no. I told you sunflowers. come on, idiot.

Duckie: no offense, mom, but those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

Duckie: *laughs*

Katherine: *laughs*

Katherine: that’s not funny.

Forever 🏷️ list: @gracespicybradshaw @mrsjaderogers @dragon-kazansky @breadsquash @bayisdying

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery #2

Knuckles: Leo, Rick, would you do me the honor of becoming my brother-in-laws?

Duckie: did you just propose to them for us?

Cricket: what the hell TK?

Knuckles: someone had to do it!

Rick: *whispering to Wolfie* does shit like this happen all the time?

Leo: yea, but mostly it’s Duckie and Cricket doing the stupid shit.

Rick: seems about right.

Duckie: *walks into the kitchen*

Cricket: *walks in behind duck*

Duckie: good morning dad!

Cricket: good morning dad, how’d you sleep?

Beau: good morning problem children.

Duckie and Cricket: *walks into the barn with wide smiles*

Beau: why are you two smiling?

Duckie: What? Can’t we just be happy?

Beau: at the ass-crack of dawn? No, I raised you girls, you’re not morning people.

Chloe: *walks in with a smile and an aggravated and muddy TK* Dumbass here tripped into a pile of mud on the way out to the barn.

TK: *glares at his sisters as he wipes the mud off of himself the best he can*

Beau: that makes more sense.

Duckie: what a beautiful morning it is!

*in church*

Duckie: why are you looking at me like that?

TK: I just don’t wanna miss it when you burst into flames.

Duckie: when you get to be MY age, you’ll understand.

Cricket, just a few months younger: wow, just wow.

TK: I invited you to the woods because I crave the most dangerous game.

Leo and Rick: *nodding* Knife Monopoly.

TK: I was actually gonna hunt you for sport but now I’m interested in whatever the fuck Knife Monopoly is.

Duckie: are you bored?

Cricket: yeah-

Duckie: do you wanna start drama for no reason?

Cricket: thought you’d never ask!

Rick: how dumb do they think we are?

Leo: sometimes Cricket leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list.

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #29

Rick: why do you love me though, Backwoods?

Duckie: you know I married you for your money and military benefits, right?

Rick:

Cricket: yeah, Duckie and I saw two Naval Pilot idiots in the bar your first day here.

Duckie: we were like, ‘this is convenient.’

Cricket: and the plan worked.

Rick & Leo:

Duck & Crick: *high fives*

Crick: *dancing while very buzzed*

Duckie: *joins her sister, just as if not more buzzed*

Crick: *laughing w/ her sister as they dance*

Duckie: *shouting over the music* shots??

Crick: *nodded and being lead by Duck to bar*

[the sisters are downing shots at the bar then stumbling back to dance floor and clumsily dancing]

Rick: Wolfie, I’m going to cry.

Leo: me too man, me too.

Rick: … Wolfie, I’m crying.

Leo: *through tears* me too, man, me too.

Enemy: we have your son.

Crick: I don’t have a son.

Enemy: then who just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crusts off his PB&J?

Crick: oh fuck.

Enemy: what?

Crick: you have my boyfriend!!

[at Pretty Boy & Duckie’s wedding]

Duckie: where’s Leo & Crick?

Pretty Boy: idk.

Pretty Boy: hang on a moment.

Pretty Boy: *whispering* I wonder if Crick is single.

Leo: WHO SAID THAT ILL FIGHT YOU FOR HER HEART!

Pretty Boy: there he is.

Crick: Leo sit the fuck down or after this wedding there’ll be missing posters all over town for your ass!

Pretty Boy: and there’s Cricket.

[senior year]

Leo: I’m going to fill Mr. Lennox’s classroom with rubber chickens!

Duckie: no, you’re not.

Leo: awww, Duck, come on, you’re no fun!

Cricket: We’re gonna fill the classroom with REAL chickens. And Cows. Maybe some goats, too.

Duckie: this is why I love you.

Leo: you remind me of the sun.

Crick: why?

Leo: hot.

Duckie: *turning to Rick* you remind me of a garbage can.

Rick: … um why?

Duckie: trash.

Rick: why are we even dating?

Duckie: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Rick: aww that’s kinda sweet!

Duckie: I never said I was the other man.

Leo: that’s the Duckie I remember.

Leo&Rick&Crick: *comes up with a long and elaborate plan to escape the locked barn*

Rick: I tell you what, we are incredibly smart.

Duckie: *opens the door*

Leo: …how did you do that??

Duckie: it wasn’t locked.

Leo: right.

Duckie: hang on. Three of you in one stall and none of you thought to check the door?

Crick: it should have been locked.

Leo: you know what part of you I like the best?

Crick: my hair? my eyes? my chaos?

Leo: nope, nope, and nope! It’s your smile!

Crick: but how? Yours is more beautiful!

Leo: do you know where my smile comes from?

Crick: where?

Leo: from seeing yours. So your smile is the prettiest.

Crick: *forgets how to breathe*

Leo: hey Angel, in the mood to spice things up a bit?

Crick: I can’t eat spicy foods.

Leo: no I meant in the bedroom-

Crick: I can’t eat spicy foods anywhere, Leo.

Rick: Wolfie, are you ok?

Leo: nooooooooo

Rick: what happened?

Leo: Crick, she- she-

Rick: what did she do?

Leo: she did her chores in a bikini top.

Rick: ..and?

Leo: She did her chores in a BIKINI TOP Wood!

Birdie’s Basket: @dragon-kazansky @mrsjaderogers @bayisdying @tngrace @starlit-epiphany

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2 @interstellarloneliness

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #28

Crick: *to a pilot* I’m dating a pilot.

Merlin: oh! Iceman?

Crick: no, but he’s in his squadron.

Merlin: oh! Slider?

Crick: no, it’s-

Merlin: oh-oh! I know! Maverick?

Crick: if you just stop for a second-

Merlin: mmmh. Sundown?

Crick: no, I’m trying to tell you-

Merlin: Chipper?

Crick: no.

Merlin: Goose?

Crick: no.

Merlin: Sprawl?

Crick: no.

Merlin: Stinger?

Crick: no.

Merlin: Jester?

Crick: no.

Merlin: Hollywood?

Crick: ew, no. He’s dating my sister. It’s-

Merlin: *gasps loudly* ME?

Crick: what, no-!

Leo: no idiot, it’s me. *kisses Crick’s cheek*

Duckie: Penny for your thoughts?

Leo: *offended* my thoughts are worth more than a penny!

Duckie: no, they really aren’t.

Ice: *sneezes*

Leo: OMG the Iceman is dabbing!

Ice: I’m not, I just have allergies.

Ice: *about to sneeze again*

Leo: ooh he’s gonna do it again. Fuck it up Ice!

Beau: excuse me? I lost my daughters, Baylie & Amanda. Can I make an announcement?

Store Clerk: of course.

Beau: *leans into mic*

Beau: goodbye, you little shitheads.

Leo: a theif.

Ice: a thief.

Leo: a theif.

Ice: I before E, except after C.

Leo: thceif.

Ice: no.

[in the middle of a mission gone bad, pinned down by enemy fire]

Leo: are we dead yet?

Rick: no.

[a few minutes later]

Leo: are we dead yet??

Rick: look, if we die, I promise I’ll let you know!

Rick: I’m craving something sweet.

Duckie: *gestures to herself*

Rick: I said sweet, not spicy.

Leo: how come you’ve been so nice lately?

Duckie: what do you mean?

Leo: you’re just nicer than usual.

Duckie: I can punch you if you want.

Leo: every time I see Cricket, my heart clenches and I get all nervous.

Rick: that’s because you love her.

[later]

Crick: every time I see Leo, my heart clenches and I get all nervous.

Duckie: don’t get close to him again, you seem to have an allergic reaction.

Police: you’re under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.

Duckie: wait, what do you mean THREE?

Police: yes…three.

Duckie: oh, my God— what the fuck!?

Police: ma’am?

Duckie: LEO FUCKING FELL OFF!

Birdie’s Basket: @dragon-kazansky @mrsjaderogers @bayisdying @tngrace @starlit-epiphany

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2 @interstellarloneliness

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #27

Crick: *trips over air*

Leo: haha babe, you’re so clumsy.

[later, when Crick’s not around]

Leo: *punching the air* who do you think you are, who THE FUCK DO YOU THINK-

Crick: people always tell me I’m going to hell for being Bi, as if I’m not going to hell for all the other shit I’ve done.

Rick: when was the last time you got laid?

Leo: when was the last time you came home sober?

Rick: touché.

Crick: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex?

Duckie: I don’t think you’re psychologically prepared for this conversation.

Duckie: my Ma said, ‘If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?’

Duckie: Ma, I was the one with the idea, you birthed a leader, not a follower.

Teacher: now, what are the three stages of life?

Leo: birth.

Crick: what the fuck is this.

Duckie: death.

Leo: *whispering to the paramedic before he passes out* save me, but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow.

Another pilot from a different squad: so, what’s it like to marry so far out of your league?

Rick: *taking the guy’s drink* it’s amazing, actually. I never thought I could be this happy.

Leo: what do you do for a living?

Crick: I try my best.

Birdie’s Basket: @dragon-kazansky @mrsjaderogers @bayisdying @tngrace @starlit-epiphany

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2 @interstellarloneliness

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery #6

Rick: talk dirty to me

Duckie: im not wearing any underwear because you never put the fucking laundry in the fucking dryer like I asked you to 100 fucking times.

Rick: speaking of beautiful boys

Duckie: are we gonna talk about you?

Rick: yes.

Duckie: I hate to disagree with you

Cricket: please. you love to disagree with me more than anything, it’s your favorite thing in the world.

Duckie: I just burnt the crap out of my hand

Cricket: oh what happened?! did someone splash holy water on you??

Duckie: first of, you’re a bitch. second, if I go to hell, you’re going too.

Cricket: *nodding* yeah. I should’ve seen that coming.

Duckie: I love you

Duckie: *later in the day* I said I love you

Cricket: you fucking better

Duckie: bitch

Cricket: you know it

Leo: family ain’t who you’re born with, it’s who you die for.

Rick: such smart words from such an idiot.

[in morning while they eat breakfast and coffee together sitting at the island]

Leo: what are your plans today?

Cricket: I don’t know, probably clean the apartment a little bit and hang out with Duck.

Leo: promise you won’t get arrested though.

Cricket: it’s us, so no promises.

Leo: yeah, I should’ve guessed that answer. I’ve known you since we were six.

Duckie: I apparently have ‘behavioral issues’ and I am ‘too defiant’

Cricket: that shouldn’t be a surprise. We both know that those are a big part of your personality.

Leo: those are a big part in both of your personalities.

Cricket: *getting a little angry* no there not, name one time I’ve had behavioral issues or was too defiant.

Duckie: yeah, name one time.

Leo:

Duckie: ok, yeah we see it now.

Duckie: I mean I personally would describe myself as being the epitome of comedy.

Duckie: but that’s just me.

[meeting the squad for the first time and realize that Kazansky is Russian]

Duckie: what’s your first language?

Ice: talking shit.

Duckie: wanna be my best friend?

Ice: maybe.

Cricket: you can’t just ask someone you just met that when I’m right next to you!

Duckie: just did bitch.

Cricket: you’re an asshole.

Duckie: I love you

Cricket: sure you do. you never act like it.

Duckie: *nodding* sure I do! all of the time!

Cricket: when?

Duckie: when I take the horses out for you so you can sleep in.

Cricket: *glares and whispers* you do do that, dammit!

Duckie: *smirks*

Ron: *uncomfortable* sooooooooooo.

Whiskey: *whispers to Dragon* I like these girls.

Dragon: *whispers back to Whiskey* me too.

Dragon’s Angels📻: @bayisdying @gracespicybradshaw @mrsjaderogers @dragon-kazansky @breadsquash

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #38

Rick: only geniuses can say these words really fast. Eye. Yam. Stew. Peed.

Ice: oh c’mon. No one’s falling for th—

Wolfie: IAMSTUPID

Chatter: anyone else d——

Leo: depressed?

Crick: dead?

Daisy: drained?

Duckie: disliked?

Chatter: …done… with their chores. what is wrong with you people?

John: so how did you guys get into a car accident?

Crick: well, we were driving, and there was a deer in the road that Leo didn’t notice.

Crick: so I yelled ‘Leonard, dear!’

Leo: *buried face in hands* and I responded with ‘yes, honey?’

Everyone:

Rick: mhm and on a COMPLETELY unrelated note, TK is in the hospital.

Chloe: what?

Leo: why are you hooking up the trailer and have your show number on?

Chatter: the favorite child does what she wants.

Duckie: are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Crick: get some Coors, our old red wagon, and make a water slide and then ride down all the hill?

Duckie: ok your thing is better, let’s do that.

Duckie: hey Pretty Boy, what are you eating?

Pretty Boy: a family-size bag of chips.

Duckie: that’s not family-sized… that’s regular sized…

Pretty Boy: everything is family-sized when you don’t have a family.

Duckie, Ruth, and Kat: Rick, nOo.

Pretty Boy: c’mon, Backwoods, let’s do something stupid!

Duckie: as far as I know, I already do.

Pretty Boy: you’re sitting here and reading, that’s not stupid?

Duckie:

Pretty Boy:

Duckie: you’re the something stupid Pretty Boy. christ.

[at some point at the O Club]

Rando: *pissed off* YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Wood: that’s surprisingly accurate.

Flyboys: *dying of laughter*

Crick: hey Duck, on a scale from 1-7 what’s your favorite day of the alphabet?

Duckie: purple.

Rick: ??? excUSE ME?

Leo: *takes a pull from beer* you get used to it.

John: guess what.

Leo: what?

John: no, you have to guess.

Leo: uh? I dunno?

John: your grandfather’s in a coma.

Leo: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME GUESS THAT???

Birdie’s Basket: @dragon-kazansky @whiskeyswriting @bayisdying @tngrace @faerieroyal

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #37

Leo: who the heck is Michael?

Tom: Commander Viper!

Ron: wait.

Ron: did you think his first name was Commander?

Leo:

Leo: no.

Duckie: damn, the power’s out.

Pretty Boy: don’t worry. I’ve got this!

Pretty Boy: *picks up Leo and shakes him violently, causing him to illuminate*

Duckie: wha-

Leo: I swallowed a flashlight.

Duckie: *on the verge of cardiac arrest* WHY WOULD YOU——

Leo: *after being knocked out* what happened? did I die?

Leo: *sees crick next to him* is this heaven?

Rick: *walks in*

Leo: oh no it’s hell.

Leo: don’t panic! I’m in charge

Tom:

Ron:

Charles:

Sam:

Pete:

Nick:

Marcus:

Jade:

Rachael:

Rick:

Rick: dude, I guess that’s why we’re panicking…

John: *walks in on the trio standing over a presumably dead body*

Trio:

Trio:

Duckie, Leo, and Crick: *in unison* he was like that when we found him.

[after the mission]

Mav: Leonard, your alive!

Wolfie: mentally, arguably. but physically? yes, I am.

Rando: so, what do your two fiends bring to the table?

Leo: well Duckie’s the brains, so she basically keeps us alive.

Rando: wait, so what does Cricket do?

Leo: the most important thing— she keeps me sane.

Duckie: what’s up, sluts? Guess who got out of prison again?

Dragon: sluts?

Whiskey: prison?

Ice: AGAIN?!

Tee: did you remember the gift for the staglings?

Chloe: the ‘staglings’?

Tee: you know… Bellamy & Boone? it’s like a duckling except it’s a baby stag?

Chloe: fawn. the word you’re looking for is fawn.

Tee: …

Tee: my word is better.

Duckie: I called you like fifty times! Why didn’t you answer the phone?

[flashback of Leo dancing to the ringtone]

Leo:

Leo: I didn’t hear it.

Birdie’s Basket: @dragon-kazansky @whiskeyswriting @tngrace @faerieroyal @bayisdying

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2

[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #36

Ice: you have to pick your battles.

Slider: one of the battles that we picked was to stop Wolfie and Wood from running plastic tubes all over the basement and placing hamsters inside of them.

Goose: they were gonna call it Tube City.

Leo: hey mom.

Wood: hello my wonderful and most amazing mother.

Mav: ma! How are ya?

Goose: mom! :D

Ruth: *sighs loudly*

Leo:

Wood:

Mav:

Goose:

Ruth: hello my darlin’ sons.

The flyboys: !!!!!! :D

Wood: I wish I had a super tight-knit group of friends that I could fight crime with.

Wolfie: I wish I had a super tight-knit group of friends that I could commit crime with.

Chipper: I wish I had a super tight-knit group of friends.

Sprawl: I wish I had friends.

Merlin: I wish I could knit.

Wolfie: if I ate one Tidepod do you think it would kill me?

Wood: coward. eat two.

Ice & Slider: *rushing to stop them* what the fuck what The Fuck WHAT THE FUC——!

Leo: *says some shit in french during a fight*

Crick: OH NO DO NOT FRENCH ME RIGHT NOW, I DONT WANT YOU TO LOOK HOT WHILE IM TRYING TO BE MAD AT YOU.

Leo: *lowers his voice and swears in french towards Crick*

Crick: *giggles and blushes* okay I forgive you.

Duckie: okay, I’ve got a box. and we’re gonna put this things we love inside the box.

Leo: can I put Jack and Busch in the box?

Duckie: no.

Crick: can I put Jack and Busch in the box?

Duckie: no.

Rick: can I-

Duckie: no one can put the dogs in the box!!

Leo: *running into the barn* DUCKIE-

Duckie: *whispering* SHHH!! mana is sleeping.

Leo: *also whispering* oh sorry.

Duckie: *still whispering* what’s up?

Leo: *whispering calmly* there’s a fire.

Leo: I came up with a brilliant idea for a prank.

Crick: oooh, what is it?

Leo: we should kiss.

Crick: … I don’t get it.

Leo: think about it! Imagine Duckie or Daisy to come to the barn only to find us kissing the hell outta each other. You can sit in my lap and we’ll really just go to town. Duckie will be like ‘WHAAAAAAA’ and Daze might even faint!

Crick: oh, that’s hilarious! We totally should.

Duckie: *standing up from the table*

Daisy: what are you doing?

Duckie: *walking to the other table* leaving.

Duckie: *sits between Pretty Boy and Leo*

Chatter: you fucking dick!

Duckie: *pointing at Pretty Boy* his dick to be exact, but yeah thank you for noticing.

[leo & crick in the barn’s hayloft, kissing]

Tee: *climbs the ladder to the top and stops* LEONARD, I OH HI MANA, I JUST SAW RICK AND BAY AND THEY WERE KISSING AND— *realizes*

Tee: *shocked*

Leo: TK

Crick:

Leo: Tee, I can explain-

Tee:

Tee: MY LITTLE SISTER?! *screams at Leo*

Tee: *turns to Leo* REALLY MANA? MY BEST FRIEND?!

Crick: Travis-

Tee: Oh god. My biological and non-biological siblings. Ewww, that really sounds gross. *whines*

Tee: *mumbles as he leaves* both my sisters, I caught both of them kissing stupid pilots. how could this day get any worse?

Leo: sooo. wanna get back to it?

Crick: I thought you’d never ask.

Leo: *breaks the kiss* wait, did he say that Duckie was kissing Rick?

Crick: I think so, why? *scrunches eyebrows*

Leo: *scurrying to his feet* THAT BASTARD!!

Leo: *goes down ladder and runs off to where he last seen Rick*

Crick: *fixes hair and clothes* I guess I better go too.

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[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #35

Leo: how do you tell someone you like them without telling them you like them?

Crick: I don’t know. Just compliment them?

Leo: have I ever told you how nice your hair looks?

Crick: yeah, try that on them.

Leo: they’re really stupid though.

Crick: maybe just tell them you like them, then.

Leo: I like you, Amanda.

Crick: yeah, exactly like that!

Leo:

Duckie: *in the background* oh my god.

Crick: are Tee and Duck having a staring contest?

Chatter: tee is, but I’m pretty sure Duckie is just plotting revenge for something and forgot to blink.

Beau: where are Leonard and Cricket?

Duckie: they… went to the library.

Beau: you mean the public library, the one that closes at nine?

Duckie: …oh no, the other one.

Kat: look since you can’t say anything nice about TK, try saying the opposite of whatever you’re thinking.

Duckie: I don’t think that’ll work; but I’ll give it a try.

Duckie: Travis Kameron… is… my beloved brother.

Crick: see? It’s not that hard to say something ni— oh, you’re hurling.

Leo: *drunk af* Amanda.

Leo: *drunk af* Amanda, I like your name.

Crick: *even more drunk than Leo* thank you, I got it for my birthday.

Crick: can you believe my Pa said he doesn’t love me and wants nothing to do with me?

Beau: *moving the cattle* that’s not what I said.

Crick: then what did you say?

Beau: *not paying attention to his daughter* I said we’re not getting another dog.

Crick: that’s the same thing.

Ruth: tell me everything you learned at school this year.

Leo: learned about Naval Aviators.

Ruth: your class learned about Naval Aviators?

Leo: I learned about Naval Aviators.

Leo: I don’t know what everyone else was doing.

[HS cafeteria]

Duckie: *holding a piece of pizza* oh c’mon Mana, I know you like Leonard after all.

Crick: no I don’t. Cause if I did like him, I’d be a blushing mess whenever he looked at me, I’d mumble some words that don’t make sense and then I’d scramble away-

Leo: *exits the gym with a wife-beater tank and messy, wet hair*

Leo: Hey Crick! What are you eating?

Crick: *blushing* uh- I- leaving- class! *scurries away*

Duckie: *bites pizza while smirking*

Tee: c’mon Wyatt, repeat after me. I

Baby Wyatt: I

Tee: love

Baby Wyatt: love

Tee: mom

Baby Wyatt: mom

Tee: and

Baby Wyatt: and

Tee: dad

Baby Wyatt: dad

Tee: now full sentence. I love mom and dad. say it.

Baby Wyatt: oh god fuck my life!

Tee: OMG WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS??

Duck & Crick: *laughing in the corner*

Pilot: before we take off, pleas make sure all small items are secure.

Leo:

Crick: don’t you dare fucking say it.

Leo: I didn’t say anything.

Crick: I swear to God if you say it-

Leo: I haven’t said it!

Crick:

Leo: are you feeling secure?

Crick: FUCK YOU

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[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #34

Ice: I’m not sure what this sentence means.

Wolfie: ‘ignorance is bold and knowledge reserved.’

Ice: you can read Latin?!

Wood: you can read?!

Wolfie:

Wolfie: that’s cold, Neven.

Rick & Duckie: Leonard, we would love, if you would be Amelia’s Godfather.

Leo: wow! But more like DOGfather am I right?

R&D:

R&D:

R&D:

R&D: Travis Kameron, we would lo-

Leo: hey NO-

Tee: *10* it’s time for bed, demon brats.

Cricket: *8 y/o, holding Jack* Ma says we can stay up as long as we want.

Duckie: *8.5 y/o, holding Busch* and that you need to leave forever.

Tee: …

Tee: what the hell, Ma?

Crick: look at that ridiculous guy in the princess dress.

Duckie: hahaha, who would be stupid enough to do that?

Duckie:

Duckie: ohmygod.

Crick: what?

Duckie: it’s Leonard.

Leo: *spotting them* Cricket! Duckie!

Duckie: no, no please don’t come over here.

Leo: *announcing to the crowd staring at him* these are my best friends!

Crick: I’m literally gonna die.

Duckie: you want me to kill you?

Crick: you’re a great sister, Bay.

Kat: Girls, did you buy the milk like I asked?

Duckie: even better!

Kat: *sigh* what did you do?

Duckie: *points to Crick*

Crick: *has a lead on a dairy cow that she’s walked/dragged into the house* Her name is Gloria.

Kat: I should’ve asked TK…

Duckie: *strolls in put together while fixing her glasses*

Duckie: forgive me for being late, I was doing other things.

Pretty Boy: *stumbles in with one shoe untied, shirt buttons uneven, and hair mused*

Pretty Boy: don’t call me ‘other things’!

[barracks, 2AM]

Leo: okay so olive oil is made from olives, right?

Rick: yeah.

Leo: then baby oil-

Rick: STOP

[on a pay phone]

Tee: Duckie found the cross bow.

Beau: oh fuck.

Tee: you and Ma should probably get over here.

Pretty Boy: if I have a daughter I’m going to name her Lizard and then she’ll get the nickname ‘Liz’ and everyone will be like ‘oh, is it short for Elizabeth?’ and she will have to say ‘no, my name is Lizard.’

Duckie: …I want you dead.

Crick: *crying at night*

Duckie: AMANDA

Daisy: ARE YOU OKAY

Chatter: IVE GOT CHOCOLATE

Chloe: IVE GOT HUGS

Tee: IVE GOT GUNS FOR WHOEVER HURT YOU

Kat: IVE GOT NICE COMFORTING WORDS

Crick: the tear hasn’t even hit the pillow yet wtf?

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[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #33

Tenn: *eating ice cream*

Tenn: my mouth is cold.

Mav: *smirks* want me to warm it up for you?

Tenn:

Tenn: *blushes* y-yes.

Mav: *hands Tenn a hot coco* Here!

Tenn:

Tenn: *dying inside*

Mav: this is what you meant right?

Tenn: s-sure, yup, definitely.

Crick: I guess it’s true what they say.

Crick: sometimes the ones we love the most… hurt us the most.

Leo: Cricket, for the last time, I’m sorry I ate your last piece of chocolate.

Goose: excuse me, Mr. Pruitt I have a question!

Beau: yea what is it, Nicholas?

Leo: don’t do this.

Goose: how do plants say hello?

Rick: please don’t.

Beau: plants don’t talk, son.

Goose: ALOE!

Kat: *holding in her laughter for dear life*

Leo & Rick: *groaning*

Beau: … *starts to chuckle*

Goose: told you I’d get him to laugh.

Older teacher: *sees the last names ‘Wolfe’ & ‘Pruitt-Neven’ on the list of names of students*

O.T: okay, it can’t be THAT bad, I mean, either I have two wholesome students who are sweethearts and will have excellent grades*

O.T.: or… I quit.

Leo: so Amanda… I’ve been wanting to tell you something for so long..

Leo: I really like you and…

Rick: *pretending to be Crick and using a fake girly voice* piss off, Wolfe. I’m really disgusted by you.

Leo: …

Leo: no, it’s not working.

Leo: Wood, you love me too much to pretend to hate me.

Wood: true.

Leo: Duckie! Come here and pretend to be your sister so I can practice!

Duckie: *from the next room* FUCK OFF, DIPSHIT!!

Leo: Perfect! You already know what to say!

[freshman year]

Leo: are you wearing makeup?

Crick: oh, it’s just mascara. Do you like it?

Leo: looks okay, I reckon.

[later]

Leo: *crying into Duck’s shoulder* it looked so good.

Duck: I know.

Leo: I’m so in love.

Duckie: I know.

Viper: I felt pity for one young adult runt ONCE and now I have TWELVE LIEUTENANTS living in my house and I ONLY KNOW HALF OF THEIR NAMES

Jester: Mike are you-

Viper: I THINK MORE KEEP COMING THROUGH THE VENTS

Jester: are you okay?

Viper: *shaking Jester* PLEASE MAKE THE LIEUTENANTS STOP WHY WONT THEY STOP

Beau: did you buy the eggs like I asked?

Crick: I found a much better alternative.

Beau: Amanda, what did you-

Crick: *holding up a chicken* Papa, meet Jake.

Leo: I am cool, I am badass, I am a cowboy, I am a rebel, I am a bull rider-

John: calm down you’re like 13, it’s just a Stetson.

Duckie: *explaining the impact of an incoming meteor to Chatter* imagine this coconut cream pie is the meteor and Dipshit’s the earth. Here’s what will happen!

Duckie: *pies Leo in the face*

Chatter: oh okay. But what if the meteor is more like a banana cream pie?

Duckie: *grabbing a banana cream pie* Observe.

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[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #30

Leo: we have to cut it off.

Crick: no.

Daisy: there really is no other way. It’s stuck.

Crick: NO

Chatter: we’ve tried everything. Peanut butter, soap, it’s not moving.

Crick: I will NOT cut my hair off.

Leo: it’s only a few inches.

Crick: *imitates Leo* it’s only a few inches.

Crick: yeah, that’s not what you said last night.

Leo:

Daisy:

Chatter:

Leo: Chatter, get the scissors for me, will you?

Crick: Duck, would you say I’m a hard worker?

Duckie: absolutely. You make everything much harder than it needs to be.

Leo: including me.

Duckie:

Crick: *blushes*

Pretty Boy: *high fives Leo*

Leo: *smirks*

Duckie: damn it Dipshit. You stole my burn!

Daisy: *wearing sunglasses & sipping on a mocktail* bc your childhood best friend and girl you’ve had a crush since forever is dating someone else & I enjoy the drama.

Leo: you want me to come home? why now?

Duckie: someone said you sound like an owl.

Leo: who?

Duckie:

Leo: who?

Duckie:

Leo: WHO?

Duckie: *falls on the ground from laughing*

Leo: WHOOOOOO?!?!?!?!

Rick: hey Leo- woah, are you okay?

Leo: *laying face-flat on the floor* living is a curse and existence is a punishment.

Duckie: Crick went on a date with some guy.

Crick: *walking in* worst. date. ever. It was so damn boring!

Leo: *getting up* Life is a gift and existence is a blessing!!

Kat: Beau annoyed me today so I told him I can’t wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow.

Ruth: there’s nothing special about tomorrow?

Kat: no, but there is something special about watching the color leave his face as panic takes over.

The Wolfe & Pruitts when Wolfie’s gone for a few years:

Leo: GUESS WHO’S BACK BABY!!

Crick: *sarcastically* I am guessing you. All he’ll break loose?

Leo: yes, I’ve missed you too Angel. Now gimme some sugar!

Tee: LEONARD! *runs to Leo*

Leo: TRAVIS KAMERON *tackles Leo*

Squirrel: sometimes I think they’re dating each other rather than us….

Crick: YOU THINK??

[children 12 y/o]

Cricket: *exists*

Leo: this means nothing. I’m twelve, im sure these feelings will fade.

[10 years later]

Leo: any day now.

Leo: *planning an escape from family dinner* so at exactly 8 o’clock we all need to say we’re going to the bathroom.

Cricket: it’s that a little weird?

Leo: not in this town, Angel.

Duckie: can I ask you something?

Crick: sure.

Duckie: *points to Leo trying to jump over the fence and face-plants* why?

Crick: *points to Rick trying to look into the horizon w/o sunglasses when his sunnies are on the top of his head* then why?

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[callmemana]

Duckie & Cricket’s Midwestern Dumbassery: #31

Chatter: hey, wanna play a game?

Rick: uh, sure.

Chatter: it’s called Leo vs. Crick vs. Duckie.

Daisy: Chatter and I will take turns giving you a Leo quote and you’ll have to tell me if he’s talking about Crick, Duck, or himself.

Rick: ok, this can’t be so hard. I’m his best friend and pilot. We’re very close, practically brothers.

Daisy: okay, ‘you are my one true love.’

Rick: fuckin’ A.

[when Rick went to Leo’s hometown]

Duckie: how long have you been a cowboy?

Rick: what time is it?

Duckie: it’s 3am.

Rick: about seven hours.

Ruth: you lied?

Leo: we may have.

Ruth: you may have or you did?

Duckie:

Crick:

Leo:

Ruth:

Leo: we may have did.

Chatter: Ma, Leonard isn’t talking to me.

Ruth: enjoy it while it lasts.

Beau: you four. explain. now.

Rick: it was Leonard.

Duckie: it was Leonard.

Cricket: *slowly* it was Leonard.

Leo: it was Leonard.

Beau: …

Leo: shit.

Crick: Duckie is choking, I need to call 911 but the 9 button isn’t working!

Leo: turn it upside down and use the six!

Crick: genius!

Duckie: *stops choking momentarily* what the fuck

Duckie: maybe you should wait on the tattoos. You’re too young to do it legally anyway, and your Ma-

Leo: relax, it’s on my skin. What’s she gonna do, take my skin away?

Duckie:

Leo:

Leo: yeah, I’ll wait.

Daisy: *reading local gossip blog*

Headline: BREAKING: Leonard Wolfe and Amanda Pruitt reportedly spotted sharing a kiss.

Daisy: okay? They’ve always done that. Get better stories.

Leo: *in the Wolfe’s fam house* not a single drop of coffee in this house.

Chatter: Ma hated caffeine.

Leo: She hated children too, yet here we are.

Leo: so, do you know what the best part of being a virgin is?

Chatter: what?

Leo: no, I’m asking.

Chatter: fuck you.

Rick: are you in love with Cricket?

Leo: *sweating* …no.

Rick: when why do you draw ‘L+A’ in hearts everywhere?

Leo: it stands for lassos and Angus beef.

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