#tl;dr: idfk man. maybe just call me they/them if you want

[existencebringsonlypain]

howdy geek how’s the gender going

it's funky and weird and I don't totally understand but I'm not a guy so that's cool

[spacebeyonce]

Sorry for dumping in your inbox again haha, but anyways-- just rn I came across a post on my dash about how it's the reader's duty to check tags, and that you shouldn't attack fanfic authors for "writing stuff you don't like" (ie proship nonsense lol), and while I do agree that it's always important to check tags thoroughly; I kept thinking about how many times I came across disturbing content, that WASNT tagged, and it was making me think, "if this wasn't tagged, don't I have the right to be upset about it being included?"

For example, my special interest is specifically Kaeya, an Indian character from genshin impact. On the rare occasions that I read fanfic, it's usually one shots of them-- however SO many fanfics end up describing kaeya in the most racist or fetishy way imaginable, or have characters say or do racist things towards them! And look-- I can handle kaeya fics involving racism (hell, I even write some for my friends and I to discuss!!!), however those fics are usually exploring racism as a THEME, and how it impacts the character! Most fanfics though? Absolutely don't do that!! And the racism is literally NEVER tagged!! There's no warning of kaeya being called a fucking "caramel twink" or have their brother say racist shit to them! There's none of that! Idk...

TL;DR ppl don't understand that you can't trust authors to tag everything/not to be pieces of shit, and that it shouldn't be reader's fault for stumbling across untagged shit that upset them + genshin fans suck ass lol

oh don't apologize! I enjoy talking to new people!

but yes most fic writers are fucking atrocious when it comes to tagging, and oh how they bristle when you ask them to tag something more appropriately. it's why the 'creator chose not to warn' tag is so....pointless to me??? that shit is my enemy. like warning readers about a topic or theme that might trigger them is common courtesy imo. and if your story can't stand without you making the triggering content be a surprise then like...that's a skill issue I fear. it's always 'fic writers don't owe you anything' and all this attitude but then that attitude is gone when our hard work isn't recognized the way we want.

like I can understand being like 'fic writers don't owe you anything' when it's someone that's telling you the direction your story should go, or constantly demanding updates and not like....idfk interacting with this thing you're making as it comes. I get that! but this is kinda supposed to be a community, and communities build each other up and call us in when needed...so maybe we should be open to more than just blind uncritical praise. but what do I know!

but yes, they are never, ever going to tag for racism like that. when it's how you write it, in EXPLORATION AS A THEME then hell yeah it'll be tagged. but when it's racial fetishization, or an irrational bashing fic towards a character of color...no, no. that'll never get tagged. you can certainly bring up why it's hurtful to the author, but chances are high that won't go suuuper well. 'cause I mean...the last few weeks have really reminded me that when it comes to racism fandom is just stupid as hell about it so what else can we expect lmao.

but yeah I feel your pain so hard. every time I hear about the genshin fandom it's when they're doing something racist so. I'm sending a prayer up for your strength lmao. I hope you've got a good community of color around you there because man it sure helps you feel less fucking insane.

[athena1138]

Little rant/ramble about my crush. (Please excuse any typos, my keyboard does not accommodate my overgrown nails.)

The tl;dr is that he's overworking himself and it's breaking my heart and idfk what to do about it.

He breaks my heart a little every day. Not just in that he hasn't really reciprocated any of my feelings, but in that he's so goddamn good.

I think part of the reason I'm so attached to him is because he reminds me of me, and I know how badly I need to be loved so surely he needs to be loved, right?

So. He's been breaking my heart. He's been overworking himself for about a month now and I can visibly see how badly it's affecting him. I mean, the man is 44 years old for fuck's sake, but he was here until FIVE AM last night working on the fucking floors because his floor tech got fired. (He's the manager of housekeeping.) Thankfully he seems to either be taking the whole day off or he's coming in late, but I mean. Are you serious? Like, I almost want to shake him.

Because I did the same fucking thing and it destroyed me. I overworked myself for the first deep month of covid and y'all I am still fucking recovering from it, and I'm 25. How fucking terrible must he be feeling right now? Maybe he's more sprightly than I am because he eats healthier, but still, it's not good for him to be doing this. But we're not close enough that I really have a place to actually talk to him about it so I just kind of try to remind him that I'm more than willing to help out if he ever needs it, but the fucker won't let me do it.

I feel so fucking helpless. I don't have a right to, not even remotely. I don't even have a right to be frustrated at him because we're not together, he doesn't owe me anything, we aren't even friends. Hell, we've only even hung out once together and it was with my boss as a chaperone/buffer. (I did ask him out on Saturday but he said no he was on his way out of town (I'm fine, I proudly did not cry.))

But like. He's just such a good fucking person and he's doing Too Much and I'm terrified he's either going to get hurt or get so burnt out he just walks away, because he's talked about it. He said he's going to try to stick this job out for a year but if something better comes across, he'll probably take it. And yes, it's purely selfish that that's what I'm afraid of, because I'll be devastated when he finally leaves.*

I want to help him with every fiber of my fucking being but I don't know how, and I don't know how to ask him to let me. I can't even tell if he doesn't ask for help because he doesn't think I can do it, or he doesn't want to bother me/doesn't want me, or he thinks it's his department and therefore his sole responsibility, or if it's something like I'm the receptionist/AP specialist and not housekeeping so maybe there's something legal there. I don't know. And I'm frustrated by it. And I'm frustrated by how much I care because, again, we're not even friends. I am fully aware that I care far too much about this guy with no basis for it, but I've TRIED to talk myself down from it, I've TRIED to distance myself. But I can't. These fucking feelings don't seem to be going anywhere. I even got into a minor fight with my roommate/bff because of it.***

I don't know how to just sit back and watch him wreck himself. It's not in my nature, even for people I'm not in deep care of.

*Literally he has so much power over me it's absurd, and he doesn't even know it. Like idk if y'all have picked up on it from the dozen or so posts I've made about him now, but he's kind of mostly what I think about. It's creepy, I'm fully ok with admitting that. I am trying to keep it reserved and not let my obsession bother him. But I find myself watching the parking lot around 8:50 every morning because he comes in at 9. When he's late, I get worried. When he shows up, I automatically relax. He just has to walk past the hall to make me smile. If I can make him smile--or better yet--laugh, it's the highest feeling in the world.

I feel safer when he's here. Like some shit went down with my dickhole of a boss, like he was investigated for abuse against me, and I was terrified the day after it happened But then my crush walked in and I immediately felt safe. I don't know why. He's never given me any indication that he would protect me, but for whatever reason I just. Feel safe around him. So much so that the last two or three times I've had a breakdown, I've found myself heading over to the side of the building where his office is because he=safe.

I DREAM about him ffs. I've never dreamt about a crush before, let alone multiple times. And it's always such soft shit. The first I remember, he and I went to Florida and we just like. Held hands on the beach and hugged. That was it. I had one just yesterday about me dreaming that he held my hand but I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not so I called my friends squealing (in the dream. Like I inceptioned him holding my hand but in my dream I wasn't sure if it was a dream or not so I called my friends. In my dream. Idfk man.) There's never any crassness, no sexy times or anything. It's just. Soft. And warm. Like I imagine him to be.

***My friends and I were hanging out. I brought him up because it's a fairly repetitive topic of conversation for me. Shocking, I know. I don't remember what it was I said but Lucy teased me about wanting to fuck him. And I was so angry. But I bit my tongue. Then she kept going saying, "Ahhh, see, you thought about it!" And I lashed out at her. I don't do that. I said something like, "No, I don't just want to fuck him, I have actual fucking feelings for this guy, not everyone's lives revolve around sex." Something like that. And she, drunk, just rolled past it but I, sober, was so mad I went inside. My boss/bff came in to comfort me and let me rant over coffee and I settled down. But then Lucy asked if I was mad at her for something else a couple hours later and I said that no, but I was pissed at her for what she said about my crush. And she, still drunk, tried to write it off but I laid it out for her. She listened, as much as she could, and said she was sorry but she's worried about me and she thinks I'm too deep in it and that I need to just try to back off and she doesn't want me to get hurt, which I get, but I explained to her that I'm literally incapable of only liking people a little bit. Which is true. I'm either head over heels or I fucking hate them, there is no in between, I have Theories about it regarding possible autism and/or ADHD-related hyperfixations. But I wasn't done. So I ended up texting out a big like 600 word essay about my feelings for this guy and sent it to her before I went to bed. Since, she hasn't tried to write me off anymore, but she has said a couple more times that she's worried for me. I know this doesn't sound like a fight, but it was, it absolutely was, and it's huge. My bossfriend even said that my balls have gotten really huge these last few months because normally I'm a fucking pushover, but I stood up for myself for a change. (She reiterates it any time I make a move, like when I asked him out on Saturday. It's funny but also sweet because it's like her way of saying she's proud of me for being brave.

Idfk. I'm hoping this is going to pass. I'm trying to get back into things that I can switch my hyperfixations to so I can move on and not creep this poor guy out, but it's not really working yet. I'm trying. I don't think anything will happen between us, so I'm trying to get moved on before I ruin any chance of friendship we have. Trying.