#tldr i have super big massive gay feelings for one of my friends who at one point said he also has gay feelings for me

[gawainism]

man .

[angelicmemo]

Listen okay I need to talk through some shit that has scarred me emotionally so like I’m sorry but I need to let this out somewhere.

Okay so Number One- internalised homophobia

now I didn’t used to consider this a big issue for me and on the romantic side it still like I love girls I know I love girls I accept I love girls and I honestly love that I love girls however more and more over the past few years I have been feeling ashamed for being Sexually attracted to women. Romantically I’m fine but when it comes to the Sexual part of sexuality it’s something I want but hate that I want. Like being sexual is something I’m not allowed which is dirty and shameful and I know that that’s wrong and I would never apply that standard to anyone else but within me any sexual attraction towards women I just push down and refuse to agknowledge out of fear of coming across as predatory meaning I instead come across as naïve or ‘innocent’ and I am treated by others as a joke or as not a real lesbian. This is even the case around other lesbians I know irl- because I’m not comfortable enough to express my sexual attraction to women out of fear and shame other lesbians treat me like a child and as if those feelings don’t exist. Like newsflash fuckers I love women they’re soft and sweet and smell nice.

See? See what I did there? None of the comments that were made about me loving women in a sexual manner were actually sexual like that is how big of a barrier has been put between me and expressing my Sexual love for women (like I said no issue with the soppy romantic stuff akdbdkfbfkg)- I see other lesbians talking about how hot and sexy girls are and all the sexual things that are beautiful and normal and natural that I relate to so much and want but I can’t bring myself to recognise that because I’m too ashamed of it. Like this is getting super personal and kinda tmi but I don’t even masturbate naked I keep my clothes on because it feels as if if my clothes are on then it’s something that I’ll never have to physically agknowledge.

I believe a lot of this shame was inherent within my growing up in a single parent household- my mum wasn’t getting any and was super uncomfortable around sex and the notion that it could be something anyone would want (i highkey think she’s asexual and just doesn’t know the terminology or that how she feels is not how everyone else feels but that’s a conversation for another day). So that means that I grew up being the naïve innocent person I am still assumed to be and letting go of that once I figured out my own sexuality and sexual desires is something I’m still not done with- like I’m out to my Mum but I tried calling a girl hot once and she was there and she just looked at me and was like ‘that’s disgusting why would you think that’ ‘because I’m a lesbian??’ ‘Well that’s fine but don’t think that’ like dude do you not know how being a lesbian works??? Sorry sorry a little off topic I know but still relevant to me as hello slut shaming the second I even vaguely agknowledge being attracted to girls.

To make matters even more complicated there was a girl and she was the first girl I ever truely fell in love with and she was the first girl I felt sexually towards and at first that was fine!! Great!! Especially because at that time I was still closeted to my mum and therefore she hadn’t addressed sexuality with me at this point. However the girl was someone who was extremely uncomfortable with physical contact which is all well and good but the way she went about it made it seem to my anxiety ridden depressed brain that it was me that was the problem. It wasn’t that she hated the touch of anyone it was that she didn’t want me sitting too close to her or doing her makeup or holding her hand like it was specifically the fact that it was me putting her off (untrue but what my brain was telling me) leading me to affirm that I was disgusting (as my mental illnesses had already told me) but this time in manner relating to my sexuality therefore associating that feeling of shame and wrongfulness for wanting to be close to and touch or have any form of physical contact with other girls with hate and shame and me making people uncomfortable.

I honestly think that if I had had someone, like just one person in my life, who would let me touch them even in explicitly nonsexual ways then I wouldn’t feel this shame I do or have my intense fear of being seen as predatory causing me countless panic attacks over the tiniest of things like my knee accidently brushing against someone whilst I’m sitting down or accidently touching a girls hand when picking something up.

I am 17 years old and I still haven’t been kissed- the last time I was in physical contact with a girl who wasn’t my mother was over a year ago despite the fact that physical contact of any form is something I crave. I see other lesbians I know being all happy and snuggly and together and at the same time being able to embrace the sexuality of their relationship (seriously so many strap on jokes I like died) and am just hit with this wave of want like I want that life so badly but not only do I feel as if I don’t deserve it and that no one would ever want to be near me or touch me but that by wanting this I am being inherently predatory.

It’s not so bad over the internet- the one relationship I’ve had has been extremely long distance so like I didn’t have to worry about accidently knocking into her or accidently touching her in a way she wouldn’t want - it was so much easier to feel validated in my own lesbianism and my relationship if I didn’t have this massive cloud of anxiety surrounding unwanted physical contact hovering over my heart at all times but it was also lonely. I need to be touched and held I need physical contact but at the same time I’m terrified of it on behalf of the other person.

I’m fine around boys though. I have friends who are boys who I snuggle up to or hug or hold their hands to drag them places and I don’t feel that shame because there isn’t that inherent feeling of I’m doing this because I’m Gay and they DONT want it even when that isn’t the case. I have friends who are girls who I’m not attracted to in the slightest but I’m still scared to touch in case this is the reaction I get of disgust. With guys I’m not attracted to any of them so it’s so much easier to be openly affectionate because both they and I know it is and always will be purely platonic- I think that’s the same reason there are so many boys on my blog like I’m not attracted to them and have no capacity to be attracted to them so I can just love them in peace without this feeling of I’m Wrong pooling in my stomach

At this point I don’t even know if this is making sense but TLDR I just want to be able to be around girls without being terrified in case I accidentally touch them and they/I believe me to be predatory because of it even if there is no sexuality behind the actions.

Also my first Love fucked me up big time mentally possibly causing repercussions that could last a lifetime.

[sociallyawkward--fics]

Oh wow, you like Rainbow Rowell? I've only read one of her books (Carry On), but it was super good and I want to read more! What's your favorite of hers? ~S

i LOVE Rainbow Rowell you don’t even understand. She’s one of my fave authors, along with Rick Riordan (which, if you know me, is serious praise because I can never pick faves so if I actually list faves then you Know i thought it/they were Amazing).

(okay so this ended up getting REALLY long so I’m gonna put the rest under a ‘keep reading’ lol, why do my posts always get so away from me??)

I’ve read three of her books (not including Almost Midnight)

Fangirl is probably my favorite by her. It’s the first book I ever read by her so it holds a special place in my heart. I also relate a lot to the main character. The book is about a girl just started college with her twin. She suffers from anxiety and finds an escape through reading the Simon Snow novels and writing (gay) fanfic about them. It’s kind of a romance novel (like, the romantic relationship is a big focus from what i remember), but I see it more as a coming-of-age story tbh. Also, Cath was the first character that really felt like Me in a book. Just an ordinary, bookish, awkward girl who loved writing. I think that’s why I was in love with it from page one lol.

Carry On is my second fave by her, which you said you’ve read, but I’ll talk about it anyway because I love it. It was so funny when I got this because my family is extremely homophobic but we were in Barnes and Noble and my older sister picked it up and said, “Look! It’s the author you like!” so I convinced my mom to buy it for me and didn’t tell her it was about gay wizards (they also hate witchcraft-y stuff, I’m not allowed to read Harry Potter – though a friend has been lending me the books in secret and I love them). Basically it takes the characters from the fake novel series Simon Snow from Fangirl and Rainbow Rowell writes them as she would have written them. Not as the author of the Simon Snow books in Fangirl, not as Cath with her fanfic (coincidentally titled Carry On lol), but as she wanted to write them. I absolutely adore this novel.

Eleanor & Park, while it is last on my list for novels by her, I adore with my entire being. I went into it thinking it was going to be this sweet love story, but it is far from that. It is so much more. It is so intensely real. I nearly cried – and I am the kind of person who never cries at media (mostly to keep my “tough tomboy girl” persona, but it’s a lot of annoying toxic masculinity lol). It is bittersweet and there’s so much I never expected from it, and I don’t even know what I can say about the plot without accidentally giving something away. I would definitely recommend.

And okay, I’m gonna talk about Almost Midnight too because yes, I love everything. It’s a book with two short stories by Rainbow Rowell and illustrated by Simini Blocker and they are both so good and the art style is amazing omg. I’m seriously gonna look up the artist now. Plus, the cover is SPARKLY and I love that because I have never seen such a fun cover. Anyway, the first story is about this girl Mags (Margret) and it tells the story of like 3 or 4 New Years Eve’s where she watches her BFF kiss other people when she wants him to kiss her and it is the Cutest romance (I hope that doesn’t give too much away). The second short story is about a girl named Elena camping out in line outside the theater to see Star Wars because she’s a Massive Nerd, but there are only two other people camping out. It’s about her experience with these two guys and the friendship she starts forming with the boy around her age.

All of these are AMAZING reads and I would recommend them them 100%, 13/10, astounding novels (and short stories). She has two other novels called Attachments and Landline, which both look incredibly interesting to read and I intend to get them soon (I’ve been meaning to for years but I’m the most forgetful being on the planet, I really need to get a day planner or something lol).

I think a lot of people outside this space would find what I’m about to say rude, but I mean it with the highest praise.

Rainbow Rowell’s writing reads like fanfic.

And I say this because in my experience, except with the most stellar of novels, fanfic tends to invoke more emotion in me than most books. There’s just this certain feel that comes along with fanfic that makes it feel different than a lot of books, but in a good way. In an AMAZING way.

Not only that, but the fact that her writing feels like fanfic is such an intense inspiration to me. Like, it makes me think that my writing, once I’ve grown in the skill a bit more lol, could be novel-worthy. I could publish. My style isn’t bad. People won’t not read it because I “write like a fanfic author.” Because writing fanfic is real writing, even if it’s not my characters.

Honestly, Rainbow Rowell is one of the authors that has kept me writing when I just wanted to give up, figuring that I’d go nowhere. But look at me now. I am determined in my dream to become an author someday. 

tldr; Rainbow Rowell is an ASTOUNDING author and I would definitely recommend anything she writes lol