#tldr my gender identity is confusing and going back to try and figure it out is needed but also messy as fuck

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

bro why the fuck is understanding my gender locked behind reckoning with my traumatic childhood and the de-gendering & social masculinization i went though due to poverty and having to turn to masculinity/male social systems due to being rejected from girlhood at a young age and needed a social systems to protect myself from the consequences of being an autistic traumatized gifted student.

cant i just have a quick answer? a shortcut? without dredging all that up? without getting a PHD in gender-studies? please??

[cruelsister-moved]

i love your content 😵🌞🧐 also i wanted to ask, so i read in your bio how you don't acknowledge pansexual as real! :o and i'm really interested in your thoughts. i'm still figuring it out but i think i identify at least partly with pansexual, because when i say bisexual i feel i am saying i'm not into nonbinary folks. :D so i'd say pansexual! or i guess i just wouldn't define my sexuality at that point and i'd say i'm people-sexual 🤔😂 anyway i really enjoy your blog and await your thoughts :3

Hi! I hope I didn't scare u off with that, I'm just discourse jaded 😳 so I'm going to try n summarise the issues most ppl have with the pansexual label:

1. It's often used in transphobic ways. I myself have literally met multiple people who are like "im pan bc I like men, women, and trans". Binary trans people are already included in every sexuality. If you're a lesbian, you already like trans women. If you're bi, you already like trans men and women. Making a specific label for that is just furthering the narrative that trans people are some "other" category.

2. Nonbinary isn't a third gender. Nonbinary is an umbrella term for a broad array of genders. So no one can say they are or aren't attracted to nonbinary people. As a lesbian I am personally capable of attraction to pretty much anyone who isn't a man. In terms of bisexuality, there is tons of literature going back to the 90s and earlier talking about how bisexuality includes nonbinary individuals and many bisexuals don't feel their attraction is at all impacted by gender.

3. It's homophobic. A lot of the pansexual slogans like hearts not parts and I don't see gender and "im just attracted to PEOPLE" are implying that gay people are just gender obsessed and that as a lesbian I walk around and fall in love with every woman I meet just because they're a woman. I also fall in love with people, not gender identities, I just don't fall in love with men. Also, because a lot of these end up implying that gay people are obsessed with genitals, that lesbians are just attracted to vaginas or gay men are dick obsessed perverts. (which is transphobic and homophobic).

4. Kind of related to the above 3, but it's just wholly unnecessary. like bisexual already encompasses anyone who is attracted to two or more genders and there is literally no need to get rid of a perfectly useful label for a functionally identical label that is often used in transphobic and homophobic ways. It fractures the lgbt community and also generally speaks to the obsession with over-labelling your identity. Which denies other lgbt people of their nuanced internal experience.

All sexuality labels are essentially umbrella terms to best describe how you move through the world, not meant to be like an intensely personal presentation of how u experience attraction bc, frankly, you don't really need to be able to summarise that to a stranger in the same way as "I only date girls" or "I date men and women". I also experience my sexuality in a unique and complex way, and a lot of pan talk feels frankly condescending to other lgb people like we all just smell pheromones and go crazy or something.

Sorry this is so long it's 1am and I can't edit my thoughts rn 😭😭 but

TLDR: 1. The pansexual label often others trans and nonbinary people when other sexualities are already inclusive of them (not just bisexual. gay includes trans and nb men, lesbian includes trans and nb women).

2.Nonbinary isn't a single gender you can be attracted to, so you can't base a gender identity around it.

3. It furthers homophobic and transphobic stereotypes

4. It's completely unnecessary and divides the lgbt community for no useful reason. Every explanation for how pan and bi are different ends up being transphobic and illogical.

if you're still confused, pls do send me another ask and when I'm more awake tomorrow I will point you in the way of some bisexuals who are way more informed than me and will be able to counsel you from one bi to another 💜💜

[phoenix]

So I’ve been trying to write this for awhile now.  Somewhere between years in general, and the last few months specifically.  I’ve hinted at this, joked about this, for almost my entire life online.  But over the years, I’ve come closer and closer to finally admitting it out loud.  I dropped a pretty obvious clue a few months ago.  And just to spare everyone a lengthy post, I’m gonna get to the TLDR right here, and then ramble for a bit more behind a cut.  So y’all can skip out whenever.

I am transgender.

...And I feel like such a fraud every time I say it.  But I’ll get around to that.

For people who have known me since before Tumblr, I figure there are a range of three reactions to this statement;

Uh, yeah dude, we figured that out ages ago.  Worst kept secret ever.

Oh...oh!  OH!  That explains a LOT.  Like, everything.

And at least one person is out there going “I KNEW IT!”

First off, as I ramble, I am probably gonna phrase something poorly, since a lot of my thoughts on this, terminology for it, come from decades ago, and are still ingrained in my head.  I do my best to not use outdated terms, but I am imperfect, so please do not take offense if I stumble.

So, why do I feel like a fraud when I say I’m transgender?  I was assigned the gender of male at birth, but I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me, and at a very early age, I identified more with feminine things.  I’ve always thought “I should have been born a woman” but for the longest time, I never thought there was anything I could do about it.  And to do anything about it was wrong, in some way.  Just accept things the way they are.  I thought that even if I did do what was available at the time, the results would not satisfy me.  And I acknowledge even that is a minefield to get through.  And I have come to realise that it’s not so much about the results, but getting to be yourself.

It felt like something out of my control, so I resigned myself to the gender I was assigned, to the face I saw in the mirror, and over time, I did actually come to accept it.  I have never had major feelings of dysphoria.  Over time, I came to accept I was Jason, and that’s who I’m gonna be.  I even at this point in life, largely LIKE myself.  Oh sweet twist of irony.

This was helped very much by the internet, where I could be me a bit more and compartmentalise things.  And even though my gender identity became a bit of a running gag, and even though many folks eventually figured out or was told I was Jason/a man - I never made it a secret or intentionally lead anyone on, the internet still gave me an outlet to explore fiction, find a few like minded people, and have an outlet to be a bit more myself, because my face and gender didn’t matter.  It was about my words and the personality that people online cared about.

So I say I’m transgender, I identify in many ways with being a woman, and yet at the same time, I’ve accepted myself?  And really, that is out of a lot of inertia and comfortablity than anything else.  Still, I feel like there are people ‘more’ trans than me, and I should step back and keep my mouth shut, but at the same time, that’s not living my truth.  A truth I am still trying to figure out.  Hi, I am confused and trying to figure shit out I thought I had sorted. ;)

Recently though, in spite of how comfortable I may have become, and how much I had let go of things I thought I had no control over, I have been revisiting these feelings that always remained present in the back of my mind.  More and more prominent transgender people have been getting the spotlight, and making me revisit these things, and think well, maybe, it’s not as cut and dried and as much of a closed issue as I made it become in my early teens.  I have felt more seen, identified more with characters more, than I ever ever have.  Representation actually matters.  Who knew?

So...what now?  I’ve been using male pronouns for DECADES and typing ‘she’ feels *weird* more than it feels natural.  I don’t know if that will ever change.  Same with my name.  I hated my name as a kid, for a number of reasons.  Only some of which were because it’s a boys name.  But over time, it became MINE.  I have thought a LOT about what I would want my name to be, and I have never come up with any name that sounds right.  That might be a discussion for another day.  And the few names that have caught my attention, always felt like “Oh, it’s just me being obsessed with whatever has caught my eye lately” and again, feels false.  But I know that’s just me overthinking things and being confused about who I am.  Also, I’ve been just as comfortable being known as “Foe”.

Feel free to call me whatever, be it Jason or Foe or he or she.  I know what my preferred pronouns are, but as they still sound so strange to me, I’m not gonna harp on anyone that deadnames me, or misgenders me.  I’mma be doing it plenty, especially since I’m still going to be Jason out of virtual space.

I also have so much masculine bullshit crammed in my head, I don’t know how to even begin clearing that out.  Or if I have to (I know I don’t, but at the same time, I feel like I’d be a TERRIBLE woman and should just stick with what I know.)

Will I ever transition?  I don’t know.  I don’t even know if I want to.  Part of me does.  Very very much so.  And something I thought I would never do has become something I have at least begun considering.  But there’s something to be said for keeping things the way they are, where things are comfortable.  But it’s also not me and...

Aaargh.  I feel so good getting this out there, but at the same time, this entire post is a disaster of flailing and rambling.  I’ve said a lot, and it’s bounced all over the place, and I still have so much more I want to say.  But yeah, there you go you get the idea..  I’m a transgender woman.  Where do I go from here?  *shrug emoji!*