#tmrrw ffxiv is probably uwu clear. the last week before 6.2 comes out
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sorry
#i'm okay i'm okay#i'd wager in a few hours i'm probably gna go cry again when it's dark n everyone's asleep but#whichever i choose to do it'll end up w me being okay. the cycle will continue on and on and on n i'll be okay again and again and again#i woke up from a nap an hour ago but oh fuck i want to go back to sleep#remembering thinking analyzing is. so overwhelming#one of those moments where i'm rlly stressing out over everything again#uncertainty regret fear sorrow helplessness. for everything#i can't express it properly i'm so sorry#tmrrw ffxiv is probably uwu clear. the last week before 6.2 comes out#usually like this i have a lot of anxiety n it's just. i can't do anything abt it#n then there's school. which isn't so bad yet rn but my sleep-deprived ass is starting to also get overwhelmed#& i just don't fucking understand i don't know anymore#for a moment i just want to be free. i don't want to feel anything. no more of this pain that i keep all to myself#but this is the only proof i have rn that i'm alive. n i'm afraid that#two paths. they both end in pain either way.#perhaps it's bcs i still hold onto hope that i keep going on.#i don't want to fucking experience that emptiness and loneliness from late 2020 to who knows how long ever again. never again no matter what#but the other path... i can't.#it's that stupid fucking mental block that always hinders me from reaching out to the sky and the clouds i want to reach#and. oh fuck. yk apollo's laughing n smiling rn as she's playing ffxiv#n that reminds me of what keeps me going#i want to always protect that. for all the people i love. they're my strength n my hope#i'm crying again fuck yk this is always the conclusion i end up with#i always care too much. that's why it always hurts and aches so much#but i don't. i don't know what to do. i'm just sorry n i don't want to be a burden anymore#even all the dreams i've had in my sleep have shown me that i've never been happy alone#but i really feel like that's what i deserve. maybe it's really also just okay for me to#continue watching everything unfold. but then i also had dreams of... that. and another of uncovering secrets#in the end i just contradict myself sm that i don't fucking know or understand anything anymore#i'm sorry i'm sorry
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