#to like chose a side but I love Nancy and Steve and it is cruel to try and place the blame of her fucking death in one or both of them

[imthursdaysyme]

Seeing Ghosts

[undreaming-fanfiction]

For the writing prompt, I'd love to see your take on 26 of you feel so inclined 😊 I love your writing!

I'm so, SO sorry this took so long. But the prompt you chose was so good I wanted to do it justice and...well. Have an almost 8k fanfic instead of a drabble, I guess? Thank you so much for your support, reblogs and comments, they always make my day!

26: “I think I’ve been holding myself from falling in love with you all over again.”

Second Time's The Charm

Summary: In 1983, strange things start happening in Hawkins, Indiana. Barb Holland develops an irrational fear of water. Will Byers feels constantly cold and weak. Steve Harrington seems to have a concussion, but there's nothing on his pretty face. Eddie Munson watches all these events unfold without knowing that this is only a beginning to a story where he also has a role to play.

1983

Eddie Munson knew all his life where he belonged. Not literally, he'd never had a stable home until Wayne took him in and he still half-expected his uncle to run of patience with his petty crimes one day, no matter how many times the man grasped his shoulder - gently, so much more than his father ever had - and repeated he'd never, ever give up on him. But he always knew his rank in the world's pecking order, he was the trailer trash, the freak, the kid of a criminal. His life had been decided for him the moment he was born, he would live on the edge of the society, make friends with his kind of people, hopefully not crossing paths with the more privileged ones for too long. Like jocks. Like the King Steve Harrington.

It was all just a giant joke. They never spoke much in school, Eddie got held back once and they ended up in the same class, but something happened with King Steve in November of 1983, shortly after one of the girls in high school, Barbara Holland, got an inexplicable panic attack and developed fear of water, out of the blue. Eddie had no idea what was going on with that, but he saw Nancy Wheeler, Steve's rumored girlfriend, comforting the girl, and maybe he saw something in her eyes, something...haunted? Like a piece knowledge no one should ever have to retain, a curse no one would ever understand. Or maybe he was just imagining things. Surely he was. Still, it made a sick addition to his latest campaign.

With King Steve, there was no grand break down, no new phobia. One day he was his usual self, a giant douchebag ruling the pathetic pile of dung that was the high school hierarchy, shoving people away and making cruel remarks with Tommy Hagan. The next day, he wobbled into the morning class that Eddie miraculously also managed to get up for, pale as a sheet of paper. He sometimes touched his nose as if there was something wrong with it - a ridiculous notion, it looked as perfect as ever. Eddie assumed Steve had overdone it the night before and was pretty hungover, but that wasn't it. Steve suddenly became more quiet, cut off Tommy and Carol and fully dedicated his time to his girlfriend, Nancy Wheeler. Even if there were rumored falling outs, they overcame all of them - until they didn't.

1984

Their breakup happened in late 1984, Eddie couldn't be bothered to remember the date, but he knew about it. Everyone knew about it, just as well as about the new  usurper king, even douchier Billy Hargrove. And sure, break ups had their weird sides, people got all glassy-eyed, sniffling and scrunching their faces like a badly done origami (not that Eddie would know from experience, but he'd seen enough of high school drama to last ten lifetimes), but what was happening with Steve Harrington definitely wasn't just that.

Just like the last time, the change happened overnight. One day he was moping in the typical teenager fashion, the next one he made his way to the school and fucking wobbled. Eddie had no other name for it, Steve didn't seem injured but his eyes were unfocused, traveling almost lazily between other students, as if he couldn't see anyone, not really. He couldn't maintain his usual stride, having to lean against walls to support himself. Eddie was convinced Hargrove would make Steve's life a living hell for that, one last blow to put the former king out of his misery, but the new ruler seemed to be in a bad shape too, avoiding Steve like he had the plague and sometimes touching his neck, as if there was something there - but it wasn't, Eddie's eyes were sharp and there. Was. NOTHING. He was dying to know what was going on, but no way was he going to approach either of those two and ask.

And as if that day wasn't fucked up enough, as if Harrington didn't keep switching between all signs of a concussion and anxious fidgeting, as soon as the last bell rang, he grabbed his bag and, not even bothering to stash anything in his locker, bolted outside. Eddie couldn't help his own curiosity, he pushed away all the thoughts about what killed the cat and followed Steve outside, maybe he'd get an answer, maybe he'd finally understand what's happening.

But of course not.

What he saw confused him even more. The jockiest of all jocks he'd ever known was standing in a circle of middle school kids, having a heated discussion. Eddie felt a pang of fear for the kids, but Steve wasn't angry, wasn't bullying anyone, he even gently touched shoulders of the curly-haired kid, as if making sure he was fine. He couldn't understand much of what was said, but he caught bits and pieces - "I was sure I was going crazy-", "why can't we remember" and "trigger the memories of what happened, we can't remember the future yet," that one was the weirdest.

Eddie could have stood there for hours, but then a loud crack of the door reminded him that eavesdropping on Harrington was a death wish. He vaguely registered older Byers and Nancy Wheeler rushing towards the group, joining in on the conversation, and he reluctantly turned his back to them, headed for his van.

When he drove past them, he noticed one of the kids watching him. She was almost scrawny, her hair short and curly, and he managed to place her as Chief Hopper's adoptive daughter Jane. Yet another mystery in this small town, how the notorious drunk got sober and managed to adopt a strange, quiet kid.

The others were still lost in conversation, but Jane stared directly at Eddie as if she could see right into his soul. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but then closed it shut and turned back to Steve.

Well, that was fucking weird.

1985

Steve graduated and Eddie did not. At this point it was a fucking joke, he was pretty sure there had been some kind of beef between the principal and his shitty non-parental figure, the infamous Daniel Munson, back in the days. Eddie was determined to graduate this time and vowed to keep the amount of trouble to if not none, then at least minimal. He kept dealing because no one wanted to hire the Munson's son, no matter how stupid the job was, and he'd be damned if he cost Wayne a cent more than he had to. The next year would be his year, damn it.

Summer came and with it more weirdness, new kind. Hargrove went from condescending and flirty - even trying to hit on Wheeler's mother, Jesus H Christ! - to strange as hell, paranoid, almost remorseful. He found a job at the pool as a lifeguard and soon, the other girl, Heather, became jumpy as well. Billy no longer drove like a maniac, took the craziest routes he could to avoid one part of the town and Eddie couldn't figure out why. There was nothing there, just steelworks or something. There were even rumors that Billy started reluctantly patching up the relationship with his step-sister, Maxine. They were seen in a diner, hunched over untouched food, exchanging worried glances and talking in low, rushed words. Not that they were friendly, god no, but the animosity disappeared and there seemed to be something they shared, something ugly that bound them together. Eddie remembered Nancy's eyes from that day in 1983 and didn't like the similarities one bit.

The Hawkins Post suddenly announced a week long break, no explanation. So many people checked into the hospital with burning pain in their stomachs, sparking conspiracy theories about a chemical leak, water poisoning, all that, but there was no proof and no number of examinations could uncover what was causing this. Everyone got gradually discharged and the whole episode was swept under the rug as mass hysteria. Fitting.

Harrington became best friends not only with one of the nerdy kids, Dustin Henderson, but also with a girl from Eddie's new class, Robin Buckley. Just like that. She was in a band, she kept making jabs at Steve's lack of love life (and yes, Eddie might have snuck in to see what new mysteries the ex-jock had and caught a glimpse of the work uniform that would haunt his dreams and never let him get an ice cream cone without his ears catching fire). And once bloody again, the change happened suddenly, overnight.

Buckley and Harrington were slinging ice cream, making poorly concealed jabs at each other, closed shop and went home. The next morning they rushed to work an hour early, locked themselves in the back room and talked without even opening the shop, or at least that's what the rumors were. When they came out, they both looked sickly green and sweaty, unsteady on their feet, handed in their resignations and moved on to their next job, together. It was probably for the best because - yet another fucking mystery! - people stopped frequenting the mall and it became a ghost town. No reason, no explanation. Once again, overnight.

1986

Eddie tried to get used to the weirdness. Chief Hopper got together with Joyce Byers? Sure, that apparently happened now. Billy packing up his Camaro and leaving during the night after punching his asshole of a father right in the jaw? Pretty chill for the town. A guy from California named Argyle suddenly appearing at the Byers' doorstep as if he always belonged there, introducing the monstrosity of a pineapple pizza to the once - hah - peaceful town of Hawkins? Sure. Chrissy Cunningham smiling at him like he was the best thing in the whole world and buying some sleeping pills off him? Okay. The known conspiracy theorist Murray Bauman moving into the neighborhood with a housemate who couldn't speak a single word in English. Yep, typical Hawkins.

But some of the weirdness crept into his life too. He became so accustomed to only observing all of the crap that he never suspected he'd get dragged into it too. It all started with the new school year, when he saw a buch of unhappy looking freshmen in the cafeteria and he just knew. He didn't have a hunch, he didn't have to think at all, something pulled his gaze towards them and before he knew it, he was marching towards them and dragging them off to sit with the Hellfire Club. They didn't protest at all and, unlike Jeff and Gareth, they had the same uneasy feeling that he was experiencing. That their meeting was no coincidence.

Steve Harrington didn't disappear from his life completely, even though it might have been more comfortable, more convenient. Eddie nearly choked on his drink when they wrapped up the first Helfire session with the newcomers and who the fuck did roll in to chauffer them home? Of course it was him. They sometimes met in the school corridors, quiet and abandoned by then, only nodded at each other in passing. It meant nothing. And that was a lie.

A tiny thought was nagging in the back of Eddie's head, like a forgotten song that begged to be named, and it drove him crazy - something in Steve's presence triggered that realization, that unshakeable certainty that he knew something about him that others couldn't see, couldn't understand even if he'd taken hours to explain. Not that he'd be able to do so - how could anyone explain that when he passed the other boy in the hallway, his sides started aching in a strange phantom pain, his heartbeat quickened and there was a sense of relief, easiness on his mind? I'm so glad you're okay, his heart repeated over and over and Eddie felt like he was going crazy, except not, because Steve would freeze at the same moment, clutch at his sides too and stare at Eddie, his eyes warm and unguarded.

Eddie did his best to keep his eyes on the finish line, the possible graduation shining like a beacon in his future. It wasn't easy, the mutual animosity with Jason carver turning into strange staring matches, tension in the air palpable. They should have been sniping insults at each other, but they couldn't bring themselves to do that, there was something terrifying just round the corner and Eddie found himself frozen, like prey when the predator circles it, prepares for the kill.

And then it happened. Chrissy Cunningham collapsed the evening of the championship game, screaming in pain and twisting on the ground, but there were no wounds, nothing to indicate what was wrong. People watched helplessly and Eddie suddenly knew, suddenly remembered - she died. She died and he watched it happen. It didn't even matter that he wasn't anywhere near Chrissy that night, he was in his trailer, practicing on his baby. Something just snapped and he knew instantly.

He stumbled from his bedroom and promptly threw up, barely making it to the small bathroom. The trailer ceiling was as clean as ever (which wasn't very much, but there were no tentacles, nothing leaking from it), but he couldn't believe anything he saw anymore. So when he finally rinsed his mouth and wobbled to the kitchenette to get something to drink, the tap on his door had him close to a heart attack.

It was Steve Harrington because of course it was him. Steve Harrington, the former King of the Hawkins high, squeezed past Eddie and took in his pale face, the circles under his eyes, and opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm so sorry you got dragged into this crap, Eddie."

From all the things Eddie Munson expected to hear Steve, this was definitely not high on the list. It wasn't even on the list. Anywhere near the list, not in the 100 mile radius. But the worst thing was - it made sense. In some twisted, forgotten way, he knew what Steve was talking about and that freaked him out just as much as the vaguely familiar sound of snapping bones reverberating in his head. "How...how did you find out about me? Being a part of...whatever this is?" he croaked out. "Is that why you've been so weird? Has this been happening to you too?"

Steve just nodded and dragged Eddie off to the couch, pushed him down to sit. He probably looked like he'd faint any minute, which, fair point. "Yeah. It started in 1983 for me. One day I just...do you know Barb Holland? Yeah, one morning I just woke up and knew she was dead. Except she wasn't." Steve's eyes were serious and Eddie wondered how difficult it must have been for him to say these things, these things that sounded crazy.

Steve took hours to explain, going through the history of what he remembered. How he knew in 1984 he simply had to check on Dustin and the others, how relieved he was to see them okay. How he and Billy looked at each other, never talked but knew of what happened in another time, another life. How Steve's head ached, how Will Byers spent a week feeling cold and numb. How he knew one day that he and Robin Buckley were friends, just like that. How when Chrissy collapsed, he suddenly knew that Eddie's life got turned upside down (a poor joke, but it still made Eddie chuckle) and the kids immediately called him to go and check on their friend, to make sure he was safe.

Eventually they both grew silent. Eddie was fidgeting, playing with his rings, because he didn't want to ask the question on the tip of his tongue. But he had to. "So...do you know what happens next?"

Steve shook his head and leaned back into the sofa. "Nah, man. We only remember when the time of the event or whatever it is passes. But sometimes we get premonitions, or that's what Dustin calls them. Like...you feel something is about to happen, you don't know what, but it draws you to someone."

"Like with Jason," gasped Eddie and Steve just nodded, waited for him to continue. "The bastard has been staring at me for weeks, I had no idea why, but I...I guess I do now. In the other life, he thought I did something to Chrissy."

"Yeah," breathed Steve. "That's it. We don't know, like, really know, but we feel it when something is going to happen to someone. And it's crazy, because sometimes these are people you never talked to, but you just know, you know how you're going to feel about them and it makes no fucking sense. But the feelings never go away."

Eddie was staring at him, suddenly aware of how small the couch was, how close they were. Because perhaps it wasn't a coincidence that Steve caught his attention, perhaps he hadn't been watching him out of mere curiosity for years. "They don't?"

Steve shook his head and moved closer. His and Eddie's knees were touching and Eddie's mouth suddenly felt dry. "Never. I think..." he bit his lip and Eddie was terrified for a moment that he'd stop, he wouldn't say what was on his mind. "I think I've been holding myself from falling in love with you all over again," he whispered, not meeting Eddie's eyes. "I've thought about it so fucking much and it made no sense, we never hung out, we never even spoke to each other, but there's something pulling me towards you and...god, you must think I'm crazy."

Eddie laughed, a tinge of hysteria in his voice. "After you told me we're re-living several years of supernatural phenomena from another dimension? I mean...yeah, it sounds crazy, but it explains so much. Because I've been feeling that pull you mentioned too and it's...what do we even do about that? Wait until we know how we...shit, I can't believe I'm saying this, but wait until we know how we get together?"

Steve was rubbing his temples and Eddie's heart twitched with sympathy, he looked so tired and all over this bullshit. "Would it be weird if I said I don't want to?" He licked his lips and finally looked at Eddie, so vulnerable, so open. "I don't know how this ends. Or when. But I know what I feel and if you feel the same, then-"

"God, yeah." The words were out of his mouth without consulting his brain first, but screw it, maybe his heart could take over for this. "Steve, I don't give a flying fuck how, I just...I feel like this is right, you know? And it's batshit crazy, but if you're down for it-"

"Yeah." They were so close, close enough that Eddie could smell Steve's cologne, and it was so painfully familiar. "I am, Eddie."

They kissed then, on the old couch in the cluttered trailer, but it could have been anywhere and Eddie would still consider it perfect. Steve's shoulders were strong under the Family Video vest and Eddie's fingers traveled across them, pulling him even closer, and Steve went willingly, holding onto Eddie's waist like a lifeline. And maybe it was - Eddie suddenly felt terrified because he remembered all those moments, all that pain exploding in his sides, and Steve's too - did they make it the last time? Did they survive whatever horrors Hawkins had in store for them? Was this their last chance to be together? Did they become lovers because they needed the comfort while saving the world?

He didn't say any of that aloud, not then. He just cradled Steve's head like the most precious item in the whole universe and kept kissing him. He kept kissing him on the couch, on the way to his bedroom, on his bed. The next morning too, before Steve had to leave for his job and Eddie to school. He was kissing him when another memory popped into his head, a scrawny kid from Nancy's newspaper being reported dead, and when they were wrapped around each other in Eddie's bed, he remembered being hunted and one of his pursuers dying, just like Chrissy had. "You're safe," Steve whispered against his forehead as he stroked Eddie's back between his shoulder blades as Eddie struggled to get his breathing under control. "You're safe and I'm here, Eddie, I'm here and if I can do anything to help-!"

They fell asleep together that night, talking about small nonsense, carefully avoiding any landmines like where do we go from here or do you think we'll go through the same shit like Chrissy. It didn't help that sometimes the memories appeared in one go, sometimes gradually, over several hours, as if to keep them all on their toes. But there was still nothing when they woke up, only more feeling of inevitable doom.

The next day, they met with everyone - all his Dungeons and Dragons sheep and their friend Max, Jonathan Byers, Nancy Wheeler, Robin Buckley, that weird guy called Argyle who still seemed to be half-stoned, half out of place, but most importantly, Jane Hopper and her adoptive family. Hopper tried to stand upright, but he often flinched, as if being hit. More and more memories flooded his mind every second, Joyce quietly informed them when he went for a smoke, memories of a Russian prison camp. "He feels constantly cold and hungry," she whispered, her voice trembling.

They filled Eddie in, all apologetic that he had to experience this side of Hawkins, as if they had had any choice in the matter when it first sucked them in.

"We believe it's a process of healing for both dimensions," Dustin explained and Eddie just stared at him because sure it would be, nothing to heal the rift between two different worlds like having them relive all the shit. "It's closing from the moment they properly connected, so 1983. The year Upside Down is stuck in. We think that it means we managed to sever the connection for good."

Eddie closed his eyes and sighed. If it wasn't for Steve's hand squeezing his shoulder, he would have had a more significant freak out. "That's great. But we don't know when that happened, right?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Okay. So, theoretically. If you're correct, are you telling me we can go through this for...what. Years? Decades?" Eddie's voice was getting more and more desperate as he spoke, hissing words between his teeth as if it pained him to even think them. "Are we going to just wait for whenever we stop feeling like shit? Just go through the motions of something we never did this time around?"

Nancy took a deep breath. She was holding Jonathan's hand and Eddie remembered Steve's comment on how in the other life, the whole Byers family moved to California. Having memories of a completely different place had to be way more fucked up than just staying in Hawkins, but what did he know. "We, um. We think that we're getting close to the gate being closed. The premonitions are getting more frequent and stronger, that's the only thing that has been happening gradually and not changing."

Eddie just nodded. "Great. Well, gotta say I'm excited for the big reveal. Are the guys who died in the other timeline okay? I mean. They don't..."

"Die?" asked Max, frowning. "No. From what I know, Billy is very much alive, and he died last summer. The...other last summer. He's not okay, I mean, not fully. But he's managing it, tries to work around the pains and fucked up memories. We...talk sometimes."

It was Argyle who lightened the mood. He was swaying from side to side, smiling at everyone, and just slapped Jonathan's shoulder as if they were discussing a soccer strategy. "Good. Let's throw a massive party when this shit is over, yeah? We've all been good, we deserve that."

It sounded good, too good to be true. And Eddie found out soon enough that there's no rest for the wicked. That night, Steve woke up next to him, screaming in pain and gasping for breath, grasping at invisible strands at his throat. Eddie wished it had been a nightmare because he could have woken Steve up, could have wiped his tears away and kiss everything better. But not when Steve took a gulp of cool night air that Eddie let in the trailer and still breathed in choked wheezes, not when he grasped at his sides, hissing in pain. Eddie could only do what Steve did for him a few days back, stroking his hair and whispering empty promises into the ragged breaths and silence of the night.

He really wanted to skip that morning, but Steve assured him he'd be fine, the memory of those hellish bats was still fresh but that meant they made it out. He'd just rest, he said, he'd rest and they would see each other in the afternoon.  And Eddie reluctantly agreed. He said goodbye to Steve, kissed his cheek before making his way to the school, determined to leave that hellhole behind for good. The pain in his sides was sharp that day and he wondered if he'd learn what caused it soon, like Steve had...

And he had, oh god, he had learned. He went through several classes, waiting for the pain to subside, but it never had. Eddie was gripping his pen hard enough to crack the surface and he was breathing heavily, hardly able to concentrate on anything. What was even worse was that there were no new memories, no reason, but he could feel it creeping closer, breathing down his neck.

At the end of the fourth period, he couldn't take it anymore. He rose up, his legs shaking, and tried to excuse himself, but Mrs. Click was relentless. "I don't care if this is some kind of a bad trip you are having, Mr. Munson, but if you leave now, you are not going to pass my class," she spat at him as he stumbled from his desk and stood between opened doors, grasping his sides.

"It's...not that, I swear." Cold sweat was streaking down his forehead and his throat was raw, swollen. "I just feel really sick, I need to-!"

The eyes behind her glasses were stone cold. "The only thing you need is to finally get your priorities in order, young man. If you walk out that door, I will be seeing you again next year. That's a promise I- oh." She stumbled over her words and Eddie couldn't understand what was going on, what ended her tirade early, but then gentle hands carefully supported his back and he slumped against the familiar warmth of Steve Harrington.

"Steve..." he whispered, not daring to move. Was it possible that someone's presence could alleviate pain? He didn't know, but just a glimpse of that yellow sweater made him hopeful that he could make it through this. And then Steve moved to his side and Eddie could finally see his face. If he hadn't known how soft hearted Steve was, his expression would have terrified him.But it wasn't aimed at him, the beautiful face turned into a sneer was turned towards Mrs. Click.

"What is wrong with you?!" Steve snapped and the teacher took a step back, her mouth hanging open in a shocked expression. She'd never heard him speak to her like this. Speak to anyone like this. Steve had always been the goofy, light-hearted type, frustrating to deal with for his ignorance and lack of focus. But he'd never been threatening.

Eddie shook his head and regretted it immediately as a wave of nausea hit him. "Steve, it's fine, I can...I will just..."

Steve's hand squeezed his shoulders, his eyes never leaving the shorter woman still standing in the classroom. "No, it's not fine! You're in pain, I can see that, and this hag can just assume it's drugs? I'm pretty sure I did way more of that in my sophomore year, but I never got held back, never got denied fucking medical attention when I was hurting! So why, pray tell me," he turned towards the elderly woman, his voice drenched in venom, "why are you so certain that Eddie can't be in actual pain? Because it doesn't fit your narrative? Because then you'd have to admit how horribly, disgustingly unfair you've all been to him?"

She was shaking now, pale as a ghost. "Just go," she muttered. "Take...take Mr. Munson with you, I must have misjudged his condition. And please, call us if he needs to stay home to...to rest."

Steve huffed out a bitter chuckle, the anger lines in his face not disappearing, not yet. "I will do exactly that. And I will be back tomorrow to get the work he missed, because he's graduating this year. This will be his year. So be so kind," and if that didn't sound bitingly ironic, "and ensure that it's ready. I'll be here in the morning."

She weakly nodded.

Steve didn't waste a single second, as soon as he finished talking he flung Eddie's arm over his shoulder and carefully led him to the bench in the school corridor, kneeling in front of him. "Shit, Eddie. I'm so, so sorry baby. I could feel something really bad was about to happen, there were some signs for me too and I just wanted to make sure you're fine. I wish I never made you go to school today, I'm going to murder that hag, I swear I am," he babbled and stroked Eddie's cheeks, brushing away the cold sweaty strands of hair.

Eddie had to laugh at that, even though his sides felt like they were splitting open. "I'm pretty sure you saved my grade, Steve. And my dignity, I was about to faint there."

Carrying Eddie wasn't an option, Steve's phantom pains were still present and Eddie hissed in agony at every touch, every movement, so Steve just supported him back to the car. He drove slow, not making any sudden turns, anything to avoid causing Eddie more suffering. When they finally made it to the trailer, Steve just held Eddie in his arms as they tried to wait it out, the burning pain in their bodies growing stronger, more insistent.

"Tell me," Eddie muttered into Steve's shoulder, "what is your favorite fruit and why. I need to focus on something. So please bear with my stupid questions."

Steve slowly blinked. As sun was slowly setting, the pain around his throat was becoming more and more unbearable. But anything was better than thinking why Eddie was in such a bad shape, his body twisting and stiffening with agony more and more often. "Um. I like bananas, I think," he said and stroked Eddie's hair. "Not really because of the flavor, the shape is...well. Suggestive. But they remind me of when me and Robin became friends, back in Scoops. We always had some lying around for ice cream decoration or whatever. So when they weren't that good looking anymore, went a bit brown, we could eat them. When we...uh. Remembered, you know. We had to quit that place, but sometimes we still buy a bunch of bananas as a snack." He smiled against Eddie's forehead, the memory comforting. He knew Robin was hurting too, her throat sore along with her wrists and ankles, but they promised each other to call if things got worse. If they remembered. She was with Nancy, Jonathan and Argyle, the kids were also together. It was terrifying - they already had a routine to keep when they knew another horrendous memory was on the horizon. And it felt like this one was going to be the worst one so far.

Eddie chuckled, pained but still present. "Don't think I've ever seen you eat a banana. Has to be a sight to die for," he joked and something in Steve's chest went ice cold. No, please no.

He tried to maintain his light tone. "I'll make sure to get one the second you get better. And if you want, I can even eat it in my old uniform, to give you the full Scoops Ahoy experience, the dumb hat included," he promised.

"I'd like that," Eddie whispered back. "It's a good motivation to go through this crap and not jump under the nearest truck because I can't lie, Stevie, it's...not ideal. So fucking far from ideal." He grasped at Steve's t-shirt, pulling himself closer. "Do you think...do you think we'll keep the memories when the gate is closed?"

Steve carefully spread his fingers over Eddie's back, cradled him. "This is going to make me sound like a selfish jerk, but I fucking hope so," he admitted to the merciful darkness. "I can't...I can't even imagine not having this. You and me. Robin's friendship, Dustin, all the guys. I don't want to be the guy I was before all of this. Before you."

Eddie didn't say anything, just stroked Steve's chest. His breathing was getting faster and faster and Steve could hear the jarring sound of ground teeth. "Oh fuck, I think...this is-!"

And throughout Eddie's pained screams and Steve's stifled breaths, they remembered. They remembered the plan that went wrong, the swarms of man-eating bats surging towards Eddie and Dustin. Eddie recalled the agony of his body, Steve the one of his soul when he found Dustin curled over Eddie's lifeless body. Steve distantly wondered what this meant, the ground shaking and splitting, the spot where Vecna's body landed bloody but empty, if Max was suffering too, the rest of the Creel House team, and he prayed not, but the heavy feeling in his stomach said otherwise. He cradled Eddie through the spasms, the wails that gradually turned into quiet sobbing. "You're okay, love," he whispered to him, wiped away his tears again, like so many times this week. "You're okay, I swear you are, you are here with me." Maybe he was also trying to persuade himself that it was all over, that he could finally forget the image of Eddie's empty, unblinking eyes.

They must have eventually fallen asleep because when Steve came to, the dawn was breaking over the roofs of the trailer park. The shadows were blue and grey in Eddie's room and he hoped he could just hang out here one day, in all of the clutter that made Eddie himself. Maybe instead of fighting off pain and memories of the world ending, they could cook together, watch movies, talk about music, bananas and what else. He reached out to stroke Eddie's cheek, gently remove the hair that had fallen over his face during the night. His breathing still seemed ragged and Steve wondered if he was still in pain, but when he moved the curls behind his ear, he met Eddie's eyes, glassy and brimming with tears. "What's wrong, baby?" Steve whispered and moved closer to him. "Does it still hurt that bad? Can I...can I do anything for you?"

Eddie choked out a sob and tried to pull away but Steve held him to his chest. "I died, Steve. I died a week after we started talking."

"I know." The memory was still fresh in Steve's mind, all the blood, Dustin's cries. Having to leave Eddie behind because the gates were closing and no matter how they tried, they could not carry him into the trailer gate in their condition. Steve remembered swearing he'd go back, he'd bring Eddie home, but the gates closed, erupted in fiery lines. He squeezed Eddie's back. "I know you did, baby, and I'm so fucking sorry. But it's okay now. It's over for you, you don't need to worry-"

"Steve." The word was so tired, so broken that Steve had to pull back, look into Eddie's eyes. His tears weren't stopping and he was clenching his fists against Steve's chest. "Don't you get it? What that means?" When Steve shook his head, Eddie almost whimpered and buried his head in the pillow, inching away from Steve. "If I died that night, Steve. And I did, I'm pretty sure I did...when did we get together? Because from what I remember, we were barely friends before those fuckers tore me apart."

Steve took a deep breath. "Oh. That's...okay, good point, but-"

Eddie sat up, groaning in pain, and buried his face in his hands. "Yeah, good point indeed," he chuckled, but there was nothing humorous in it. "I knew it was too good to be true. The best thing in my life? It was just a giant misunderstanding. We never had anything, it was all guilt, just fucking guilt." He was speaking quickly, hands muffling his words, and he wouldn't meet Steve's gaze. "Maybe there were unvoiced wishes from my side, but we weren't even friends, not to mention lovers. I just assumed, I wanted to-I needed to believe that it was true and I'm so fucking sorry, Steve."

A calloused hand found its way onto Eddie's covered back and ran comforting circles there, as if Eddie just hadn't uncovered that the entirety of their relationship was based on a giant lie. "What on earth are you sorry for?" asked Steve. He didn't even sound angry, just concerned.

Eddie froze and finally shifted sideways, staring at Steve with wet, puffy eyes. "Huh?"

Steve's hand didn't let up, he only moved closer, enveloping Eddie in a hug that had to hurt his back, the weird angle and everything. "So we never got together in the other timeline. So fucking what," he laughed and Eddie thought for a moment Steve must have injured his head during their fight with Vecna because how didn't he see he'd basically scammed his way into his heart? But Steve knew, Steve knew and didn't care, and what a fucking emotional roller coaster. "You were so worried about just repeating everything, that we had no free will in whatever would happen. Isn't this exactly what we hoped for?"

He decided to be selfish for a moment. Closing his eyes, Eddie leaned into Steve's warmth. "I don't see how in any version of the past, present or future you'd hope for ending up with me, Steve," he whispered, still waiting for Steve to come to his senses.

But he didn't, god, Steve was still with him and Eddie prayed he'd never change his mind. "You should," he smiled and mouthed at Eddie's jaw, kissing his ear until the stiff muscles in Eddie's shoulders relaxed. "Shit, Eddie. This is not us repeating what we went through. This," he said and grabbed Eddie's hand, held it to his chest, "is what I've been praying for since you died. I don't know if I survived, if I lived through the rest of it, not yet. But knowing you died, I...I feel so happy I didn't wait this time, Eddie. This is everything to me. A second chance. To know you, to understand myself, to see if I was deluding myself when I thought there was something..."

Eddie shook his head and turned to Steve, covered the tanned hand with his own. "You weren't," he croaked out, squeezing Steve like a lifeline. "There was something, like...a massive something. I tried to push you towards Wheeler because you seemed so miserable, but I...I wasn't lying I was fucking jealous, Steve. But not of you. Of her. Of the way you looked at her, I guess I only then realized how much I wanted that for myself and when I remembered all that, it made me feel like I cheated somehow. Like I got you when I wasn't supposed to." The words were leaving his mouth at a breakneck speed, unfiltered and raw, but he was past caring. Steve was here, Eddie was alive and it all seemed like a giant fucking miracle.

Steve tugged on his arm to lie back down and snuggled next to him, peppering Eddie's face with tiny kisses. "There were so many things that weren't supposed to happen. Trust me, I have a list. But this...this feels like the only thing that was supposed to happen. The only thing that makes going through all that worth it, and I never thought anything would be, but I...I would gladly go through it again, those hellish years, if it meant I'll get to have this. Have us."

Eddie was laughing now, the tears on his face drying, but not really, because there were new ones. Tears of joy. "I feel like I should be yelling at you right now. How can you just ...just say that you'd go through the ugliest, most gruesome thing ever, just to have...me? But I can't, I fucking can't yell at you, because I get it, I would too. Die again, get eaten, whatever. Stupid, so goddamn stupid. Both of us."

They were giggling, grasping at each other in the comfortable silence of the dawn. "Maybe that's why we're a good fit," mumbled Steve against Eddie's lips. "Maybe that's why whatever we have just works. And I want to keep it, keep you, if you let me."

Eddie batted his lashes at him, attempting to look shy but failing. "I think I can squeeze you into my schedule."

They met with the rest of the group of the other 1986 that day, after Steve stopped by the high school and collected Eddie's missed work. As soon as they entered the Wheelers' basement, Dustin crushed Eddie into a hug, sobbing and babbling nonsense, and Steve went immediately for Max, pale and exhausted, embracing her like the small miracle that she was. "Shit, Red, if I'd known I'd never have agreed to the plan," he muttered against her vibrant hair while she sobbed quietly into his chest. "You're the bravest person I know and I'm not letting anything happen to you this time around, you hear me?" They were still shaken, some of them in pain that might never fade, but they were alive, they were together and that would have to do. Hospitals were full again, Jason Carver collapsed in pain that he described as his insides melting, and Steve couldn't help but feel a little vindictive. More "mass hysteria", more phantom pains of all injured and dead in the earthquake of 1986 that never happened.

Steve and Eddie remained inseparable. Wayne accepted that the Harrington boy lived with them now, too consumed by relief after remembering losing Eddie, and welcomed having someone around who cared about his nephew so much. It was coming to an end, slowly but surely, and it was Eddie's turn to comfort Steve now, hold him through new memories, new revelations, new pain.

"I think it's coming soon," whispered Steve when pangs of pain became worse and worse, his head and limbs feeling like they caught fire, and they both knew what it meant, knew but never said it, and when the moment arrived, Eddie was ready. The second he got the call from panicked Robin, he immediately shot outside and drove like crazy to the Family Video, to Steve who was twisting and turning on the ground, grasping at his head, his jaw, biting his lips enough to bleed to keep his screams down. "I'm here, Stevie," whispered Eddie and sat next to Steve, pulled him to his lap while Robin slumped next to them, mumbling that Vecna must have knocked her out at that point, grabbing Steve's hand and holding onto it, afraid to let go.

It was fortunately a quiet day, but Eddie still insisted on covering for them. "Let me be the dead man walking for a bit before you steal my shtick, baby," he smiled at Steve and kissed his sweaty forehead, moving him so he and Robin were next to each other. She was sobbing into her hands now, probably remembering how she woke up and Steve was gone, not just gone but disfigured, consumed by Vecna like everyone else.

"He jumped in front of El," she whispered and wiped at her tears, smearing her mascara everywhere. "He actually hit Vecna with that baseball bat, can you believe it? We were losing, losing so bad, and Vecna came after El and..."

"Of course he did," said Eddie and smiled fondly at Steve who was comforting Robin to the best of his ability. "Of course he was the one who saved the day."

It was ten in the evening when Eddie's phone rang for the second time that day. It was El, breathing heavily and probably still crying, but she laughed into the receiver and told Eddie: "I closed it. I closed it for good and that's where everything ended. I think that is when we returned back. There should be nothing else. No more pain, just..." She sniffled and there was a rustling of a tissue. "We can live again. We did it."

Eddie smiled into the receiver, his mouth hurt from the wide grin but he couldn't help it. "You are a star, little lady," he told her and meant every word. "Thank you, thank you so much."

"You too," she said and Eddie feels warmth in his chest, as if he actually belonged somewhere. And maybe he did. "What you did...what everyone did. We all did it together. I'm not a star. We are all stars." A muffled voice behind her interrupted Eddie's tearful answer and when she came back to the phone, she sounded even happier. "Dad says we will have that celebration tomorrow. Can you and Steve come over?"

"Wouldn't miss it, even for the second end of the world," he laughed and after a few assurances and agreeing who should call who, they end the conversation.

Eddie turned around and Steve was there, leaning against the door to his room. As if he'd always belonged there, as if there was no timeline when they were strangers. Eddie walked up to him and wrapped his arms around his middle, mindful of the memory of broken bones. "So," he whispered and perhaps there was a tinge of fear to his voice because Steve returned the embrace, firm and secure. "Do you...feel any different? Are you forgetting things? Do you..." The question burned on his tongue but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

Steve just shook his head and kissed Eddie's temple. "Still crazy about you, Munson," he whispered and grasped Eddie's hand, kissing it too. "And if you're worried I'll ever forget I love you, I'll just have to tattoo it as a reminder. For both of us."

Eddie's mouth opened into a surprised O. "How are you even real, Stevie?" he asked, staring at Steve from underneath his bangs. "How the hell did I fall in love with such a sweet guy and have him feel the same? This goes so much against the Munson doctrine I'll have to rewrite the thing."

"Make it the Munson-Harrington doctrine," said Steve and that was it, Eddie was melting and floating and his heart was about to burst, all of that at once. "Because we're in it together, baby, and I have a few ideas."

Eddie winked at him, shyness be damned. "Is one of those ideas kissing me?"

Steve pulled him closer and grinned, inches from his face. "See, great minds think alike." And then they kissed, wrapped in each other for the first minute, hour, night of their new lives.

Their laughter rang into the night, as quiet and as safe as nights in Hawkins, Indiana could ever be.

[drunkengodsofslaughter]

I'm fascinated by Stancy because the fandom has so many ways to interpret that ship. Like strong antis and Steve or Nancy haters say it was abusive. Fans of that ship say it's a beautiful tragic love story. Either way I have never seen a ship be so divided or misunderstood in a fandom lmao.

Imo Stancy is a middle thing. For Steve, it was a beautiful love story, and for Nancy, it felt like a trap she put herself in. They never were on the same page in that relationship.

In s1, Nancy was infatuated with Steve, and if Barb hadn't died/gone missing, I feel like they could have had a cute high school romance. But alas, Jonathan entered Nancy's world, whom she wouldn't have hung out with otherwise. They bonded in a way up until the last episode she didn't bond with Steve in that way. Yes, he saved them, but they don't have matching scars or a journey together. Jonathan was there when Steve didn't believe her. But then Will came back, and Barb was still gone. Jonathan went back into isolating, and Nancy was alone again. However, Steve was still there now, and despite longing for someone else, she chose him to be with out of desperation to not be alone. You can see it at the end of s1 when she looked at Jonathan in the way Steve looked at Nancy. She never looked in love with her boyfriend because she wasn't. I think she wanted to love Steve she tried to convince herself. And maybe she even loved him in some moments because it lasted for a year, but she was never in love with him. She lied to him, and she never reflected on that in the show. Which is an interesting character take but people want to make her completely innocent when the subtext screams otherwise.

Steve loved her completely. He would do anything to protect her and see her smile. He was planning to stay back to arrange stuff so he could be in her life after school. He never lied about his feelings towards her. And I truly think if Nancy would have given him the chance to fix things or talk about Barb in a non drunk way, I think he would have listened. He should have definitely asked her more and not just assume things are fine, but at least he tried, unlike the complete monster some people paint him. His way of coping with shit was extended to Nancy because Steve believed he helped her with that. And in a way he was. He helped Nancy through the initial shock of her best friend dying. He was the distraction she needed in moments, or she would have snapped earlier. (Also, we never saw Stancy in their relationship only beginning and end, but you can tell Nancy has communication problems the way she handles Jancy)

When Stancy came to an end, it was because of Nancy. Her inability to lie to Steve about her feelings combined with the guilt of Barbs death. But again, the not loving Steve is the major reason. I wish the show would allow Nancy to explain herself to Steve so he can also find closure from it. Stancy ending deserved to be handled in a more nuanced way instead of letting Steve take the entire blame, and everyone else is off the hook.

How can people watch the show and not see how one-sided Stancy was. And that the major blame lies on Nancy. The way Steve left his friends, bettered himself, constantly looking love-sick around her, wanting to be grown up and work for his dad (he hates) to provide for her. Compared to Nancy, who looked uncomfortable saying I love you to him, only looking in love with Jonathan and then admitting she waited for him to make a move. It's baffling to me that people say Steve was the person who hurt Nancy more or the sole problem when he was the only one who put in effort. It's surprising that people want that ship back, given it never stood a chance because Nancy just doesn't love Steve. It doesn't make her a villain, not loving a guy, but the way she went about it was kinda cruel if you think about it. (If you don't agree, just switch the genders bc if Nancy was the guy, oh lord, would people have a field day with it)

What is worse, protecting your partner from self-destructive ways and trying to cheer them up in a way you think it's helpful because your partner never communicated otherwise. Or is it worse when you go into a relationship knowing that person is a placeholder because the actual person you want isn't available right now so you lie about your feelings until you can't take it no more?

going to put under read more

honestly same like i’m so fascinated by stancy! especially because like you said so many people have different interpretations of the ship but also lol like some of them are just plain wrong. same never seen people be this divided.

i love how you described them here! with the second paragraph because you are so correct!

yep nancy really was infatuated with steve but also i wonder if it was because of what steve represented to her. i think after barb died she saw steve in a different light because he represented something more sinister to her. i think nancy loved what steve represented to her at first: attention and a way to try new things. despite steve not being dangerous in a bad boy way: nancy saw new opportunities for herself. then after barb died she just saw steve as tied to the loss of her innocence despite the fact that she did want that in some way but because tragedy happened: steve can only be seen as the bad person because of where he and her were that night. and despite the fact that she has guilt of her own it’s pretty clear that she sees steve as also the killer of her best friend despite the fact that he didn’t kill barb. lol i know i just went on a whole rant but i absolutely fucking love what you say in that third paragraph! you said it so beautifully!

everything in that fourth paragraph! honestly i hate how people see one talk and just determine how steve handled nancy’s trauma and that was to a) dismiss it. because he’s not dismissing her trauma if people actually watched the scene: he’s dismissing the action of telling people what they saw because of the fact that the gov will kill him and his loved ones. we just had a huge plot like in season 1 about how the gov will do anything to save their own asses yet people don’t think for one second that these characters would very much be afraid of them. also it’s wild to me because we see nancy who also loved to pretend just like steve. she pretended her whole relationship with steve was real because she couldn’t handle the fact that jonathan was helping out his own family. she wanted to be just a normal teenager! but people just think steve completely gaslight her into being a ‘normal teenager’ and ‘pretending’ meanwhile nancy of her own free will was legit pretending! do y’all seriously think that steve would want nancy to pretend to be in a relationship with him because of her trauma? ngl nancy has the worst communication skills and i do love know messy it can lead things into but i need some people to wake up and realize that this is a flaw of hers!

fucking everything there!!!!

everything here too! stancy is sooo one sided and steve was the only one to put in any effort! the dude while he was dating nancy was like ‘alright i won’t have to go to college and i can just work with my dad even tho i know i won’t like it so that we can be together’. i’m listen nancy has done a bunch of things but i still think it was cruel of her to knowingly know that steve was willing to do something he hated because he loved her and she didn’t let him know that she didn’t love him. it took her alcohol to admit that she didn’t love him! again nancy knew that steve was going to waste his own hopes and dreams for her and she would have let him if it wasn’t for the alcohol and jonathan coming in.

that question you posed fr thinking about it and i’m just going to leave it open ended

[dlwritings]

The Last Unicorn | Steve Harrington

masterlist found here

pairing - Steve Harrington x reader | little bit of Steve x Nancy and Jonathan x reader word count - 3,911 warnings - angst, implications of sex A/N - listen to The Last Unicorn by Passenger | italics are song lyrics

summary - Coping over the end of a relationship with meaningless sex only works for so long before reality hits, and you’re left wanting the one you love.

Well we’ll kiss for that’s how it begins We’ll embrace just to warm our skins I’ll think of her and you’ll think of him

On one side of Hawkins, Steve was with Nancy. She was seated on his lap in his bed, her hands in his hair, and her lips pressed to his. Kissing lead to clothes being thrown across the room, forgotten as the pair slipped under the sheets. It had been this way for a while now. There was an emptiness in both of their hearts that they each chose to ignore, but they moved their bodies in all the ways they knew they were supposed to. They called out each other’s names as they had done so many times before, but they sounded hollow and meaningless. If you repeat a word over and over again for long enough, it starts to feel foreign on the tongue.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy …

Steve, Steve, Steve …

Neither of them were really there. In their heads, they were both thinking of someone else, using each other as mindless company to heal their freshly broken hearts.

Steve liked Nancy, and Nancy liked Steve. Being together involved just enough strings where no one got hurt and no one fell in love. It was an unspoken rule between the two of them. They had tried the whole love thing, and it hadn’t worked out. They figured the four-letter emotion wasn’t made for them. But now, they were both in love all over again, just not with each other.

When Steve and Nancy were together, the names (Y/N) and Jonathan were forbidden to fall from either lips. They used each other to forget, and the minute one of the cursed names floated through the air, forgetting became impossible. Sometimes it was easier not to talk at all or to repeat each other’s names until they felt foreign on the tongue.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy …

Steve, Steve, Steve …

And we’ll talk to keep the silence from our ears And we’ll laugh because we’re so close to tears

In a hotel on the border between Illinois and Indiana, (Y/N) was with Jonathan. They were laying beside each other, blankets pulled to both of their chins and heavy breaths filling the room. The couple didn’t have the luxury of at-home hook-ups. With Jonathan’s house being so small, and (Y/N)’s parents being so present, they couldn’t exactly have quickies in Hawkins. The routine was slowly burning a hole in both of their bank accounts, but neither of them knew how to stop. 

Neither (Y/N) nor Jonathan were good with silence, especially not after sex. They both knew why they were together, and if the silence rang in the air for too long, they would dwell on it. Neither of them could afford to dwell on it. “How’s work been?” (Y/N) asked awkwardly, sitting up and pulling Jonathan’s t-shirt over her head.

“How’s work?” Jonathan said, grinning and turning on his side to face her. “That’s what we’ve resorted to?” She couldn’t help but laugh as well and lay back onto the bed, covering her face with her hands. At least things with Jonathan were easy, comfortable. It didn’t matter that there were no real feelings there. They both knew it, so they were both on the same page. No one was leading anyone else on. They were both in that bed for the same reason.

“Sorry,” she said.

“Don’t have to be sorry,” Jonathan said, laughing at the end. He paused, then let out a sigh that sounded like a half-hearted chuckle. “This never stopped being weird, did it?” (Y/N) laughed as well, because laughing was better than the alternative. If they dwelled on the situation for too long, (Y/N) was destined to end up in tears, leaving Jonathan to counsel her as his heart slowly broke as well. 

We’re just lonely, you know, that’s why we’re here

(Y/N) and Steve started dating around the time that Jonathan and Nancy did. Steve and Nancy were over each other, ready to move on to someone new. They both quickly realized that their relationship had just been a trial run for the real thing.

Steve and (Y/N) were in love. Head-over-heels, truly, madly, and deeply in love. Neither of them had ever felt anything like it before. They scoffed at anyone who said real relationships couldn’t be had at their age. If Steve’s parents were what “real” relationships were supposed to be like, then (Y/N) and Steve were glad they weren’t real. Fights were inevitable -that was obvious- but they shouldn’t be the staple of a relationship.

Some fights, while not the staple of a relationship, are the end of it.

(Y/N) had been at the Byers’ house for most of the night. She had told Steve she was going to be there. Jonathan was setting up a darkroom in his house and needed some help, and (Y/N) was eager to step up. (Y/N) liked photography too, and Jonathan was the only person she knew who liked it as much as she did. Steve knew all of this, but she also promised to keep him posted throughout the night. She didn’t call him once, and she ended up falling asleep on the couch at the Byers’.

The next day, when Steve found out, he was pissed. He couldn’t lose another girlfriend to the Byers boy. He couldn’t do it. Instead of beating up Jonathan or listening to (Y/N)’s reasonable explanation, he broke up with her. There was screaming on Steve’s end and crying on (Y/N)’s. She didn’t know what to do to hold on to him. She could tell there was no holding on to him. When Steve had his mind set on something, he followed through. It was simultaneously a blessing and a curse.

Jonathan and Nancy broke up a few days later for reasons neither would disclose to anyone else. When (Y/N) talked to Jonathan about it, he seemed so hurt. Steve would say the same thing about Nancy.

So, they sought comfort in each other in the most emotionally detached way any of them could think of.

Cuz you don’t taste like you should

“Do you miss her a lot?” (Y/N) asked Jonathan. His face dropped, surprised at the question. He didn’t like talking about Nancy, just like (Y/N) didn’t like talking about Steve. It was an unspoken rule between the two of them to never mention the exes. Still, Jonathan found himself nodding.

“Yeah,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “I do.”

“Why’re we doing this?” (Y/N) said, sitting up and putting her forehead in her hands. “We’re all being dumb.”

“And what are we supposed to do about it?” Jonathan asked. “It’s been almost a month.”

“That’s not that long,” she said. “What if they’re feeling what we’re feeling?”

“If they were feeling what we’re feeling, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“You don’t know that.”

“No, but I’m pretty sure.”

“I can’t keep doing this,” (Y/N) said, a tear finally falling from her cheek. “I like you, but you don’t, you’re not him.”

“Hey, hey, I know,” Jonathan said, wrapping his arms around (Y/N) when he saw her crying. This was what not talking was supposed to help them avoid, but (Y/N) wore her heart on her sleeve, and Jonathan was too kind to stop her from showing it.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” she said. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not going to hurt me,” Jonathan said. “I’m okay. You know I’m on the same boat.”

“I don’t want to feel this way anymore,” she muttered, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “It hurts so much.”

“I know,” he whispered, placing a friendly kiss to the top of her head. “I know.”

Jonathan had a question he knew he needed to ask, but he didn’t want to ask it. Still, it wasn’t fair to her to not present her with the option.

“Do you want to stop?”

(Y/N) looked up as soon as Jonathan said it and fumbled to find a response. “I- I don’t know,” she said.

“Because we don’t have to keep doing this,” Jonathan said. “We started this to put a bandaid on it all. I think it’s just ended up hurting you more.”

“Jonathan-”

“Whatever you decide, I’m going to be okay,” he said, cutting (Y/N) off before she could overthink too much. “I’m giving you an out. I don’t like to see you hurting. So you have to figure out if this is worth the pain.” He paused. “I think we both know what the answer is.”

And you don’t fit in my arms like she would

Steve held Nancy as she slept. Neither of them were entirely sure why they slept together after sleeping together. Though Steve would never admit it, Nancy thought it was because Steve missed holding someone. (Y/N) used to rave to Nancy about the nights Steve would hold her, and Nancy knew they meant a lot to Steve, too. Nancy and Steve were never close in that way. They cuddled and they had sex, but she never felt her heart glow when Steve held her in his arms like (Y/N) did. She wished she could give Steve that feeling, but she knew she couldn’t.

Steve held Nancy tightly to his chest. He was sleeping and didn’t really realize how tightly he had his arms around her. In his dreams, he was holding (Y/N), stopping her from leaving. In his dreams, she was the one who left him. In his dreams, he wasn’t the idiot who broke up with her over insecurities and jealousy. In his dreams, they were still together and in love. In his dreams, he could hold her forever. Awake, his body settled for Nancy.

Steve wished he wasn’t settling for Nancy. It would’ve made everything so much easier. They had always made sense on paper, and Steve would be lying if he said he didn’t sometimes think about what their lives would’ve been like if they had stayed together. If Nancy hadn’t seen through all the bullshit. All the feelings Steve was faking for her when he was really thinking of (Y/N).

And Nancy sometimes thought the same. Steve was everything she thought she had wanted for such a long time. Why couldn’t she have loved him instead? Why couldn’t he have loved her? Why was the world so cruel, making it so the loves that made sense weren’t the loves that they really wanted?

Lying in the dark, it’s understood: We are both lost And we won’t be found

Despite the miles separating the four teenagers, they had never been closer together in feeling.

We will wake up with each other in our paws You cover over white bits like I’ve not seen them before We’ll say goodbye and then we’ll say no more

The next morning, Steve woke up with a start. His arms were still around Nancy, but he scrambled to move away. Awake, the contact was too much. It was too intimate. A different kind of intimate than sex. Sex could be meaningless. He could turn his mind off and focus solely on the pleasure. With his arms around her, all he could focus on were all the things that felt wrong.

When Nancy woke up, she covered her body with the sheet. It all felt too real when she was next to Steve. It felt too real and too wrong. When the sun was up, her clothes were on, and she was out in the world, she could pretend like what happened with Steve hadn’t happened at all. She could pretend she was still with Jonathan. But when she woke up next to Steve, naked as the day she was born, everything came back to her, and the guilt ate her alive.

She may not’ve been with Jonathan, but her heart still was. Wasn’t that still cheating?

Nancy got out of bed and slipped on the clothes she had thrown around the room the day before. Steve watched her every movement, his mind flooding with questions. Why was he doing this? What was this helping? Where was (Y/N)? Was she okay? How was doing this supposed to make anything better? He wasn’t beside the one he loved, and he was sure that was the only sure cure for a broken heart.

“I’m going to go,” Nancy said, pulling her cardigan over her shoulders. Steve barely mumbled a response.

Steve was always quiet in the mornings, but something felt different to Nancy. Maybe it was the way he didn’t roll back over and fall asleep. Maybe it was the tired look in his eyes that was from more than just a lack of sleep. Maybe it was the way she felt like she was looking in an emotional mirror. Whatever it was, it stopped her from turning the doorknob.

Cause hearts won’t buy love and nor will they sell And there is no love in this hotel Though we’re walking home we know too well We are both lost

Jonathan and (Y/N) woke up at the same time. She was lying with her head on his chest and her arm around his stomach. He had a hand in her hair, fingers intertwined with her locks. They usually woke up at the same time, probably because their hearts were often on the same page. Neither of them could sleep very well when they spent most of the hours wishing they were in bed with someone else. “C’mon,” Jonathan mumbled groggily, rolling to the other side of the bed. “Let’s go home.”

Jonathan pulled on his clothes, feeling tired. Feeling heartbroken. Feeling hurt. Feeling lonely. Missing Nancy. The mornings after the nights he spent with (Y/N) were always difficult. Jonathan was an empath. What others felt, he felt too. While a part of him missed Nancy, a part of him also carried the weight of (Y/N)’s broken heart. It wasn’t her fault, and he didn’t blame her for it. It was just how he was wired. He cared for other people, sometimes at his own expense. It didn’t help that they were feeling emotions that were so similar. Of course he was empathetic towards her feelings. He was experiencing the same ones.

The drive home was quiet, nothing but David Bowie playing in the background. This drive felt different than the others for both parties. Something different awaited them in Hawkins, something neither of them were sure they were entirely ready for but knew they needed to face. Confrontation was not a strong suit of either party.

We are both lost And we won’t be found

She was my compass

Nancy turned to Steve, throwing her bag back on the ground. Steve looked at her with furrowed eyebrows. “What’s wrong?” Nancy asked him, going back to join him on the bed. The question was so earnest, so genuine, because she cared. She really did care. Because Nancy was good.

Why couldn’t Steve have chosen her?

Steve ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the roots in frustration as he sat up as well. Nancy sighed again. “Thinking about (Y/N) again?”

Steve looked at her with wide eyes. She had broken the unspoken rule for the first time since their whole partnership began. This wasn’t what Nancy was here for. She was not to be Steve’s shoulder to cry on. It wasn’t part of the deal. Usually, Nancy was perfectly fine with following the rules, but that morning was different. That morning, she saw an ache in Steve’s eyes and realized just how lonely he was. Did he any friends besides The Party? Who did he confide in? Robin? Nancy didn’t think their relationship was much more than sarcastic comments and witty banter.

“You can talk to me, Steve,” she said when the silence between them had gone on for too long. Steve just shook his head. “You can,” she pressed. “I know you think you can’t, but you can’t. You have to know I’m feeling just as shitty as you are.”

“Why’re we doing this?” Steve asked. “Have you ever asked yourself that? Have you asked yourself why we’re both being so goddamn stupid? Why we both ended the best relationships we’ve ever been in?”

“I ask myself that every night,” Nancy said. “And I can never find an answer.”

“So why are we still doing it?” Steve pressed. “Why don’t we stop?”

“I don’t know,” Nancy said, putting her forehead in her hand. “I’m scared? Is that valid?”

“It’s valid,” Steve almost laughed. “But does that mean we should just, I don’t know, be complacent?”

“Oo, complacent,” Nancy teased, nudging his shoulder. “That’s a big word.”

“My god,” Steve said with a roll of his eyes. “Can’t I be serious?” Nancy bit her lip, feeling a little guilty, and let Steve continue. “I always felt normal when I was with her,” Steve said. “She helped me figure out what to do whenever I was confused or, or anything like that. I was scared all the time with every decision I made, but it wasn’t as scary because I had her.” He looked up at Nancy for the first time since talking. “So is it valid that I’m not trying to get that back? That I’m letting the pathetic fear of what could happen stop me from getting the good fear back?”

Nancy liked Steve. She was proud of him. He had grown. He had changed. (Y/N) was good for him. He needed that back. Even Nancy could tell that much.

He was your map

When Jonathan and (Y/N) got back to Hawkins, Jonathan parked the car in front of (Y/N)’s house. She started to get out, but Jonathan stopped her. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Take as much time as you need with this, okay?” he said. “If this is done, then it’s done, and that’s fine. I just want you to be happy.” She sighed and leaned her head back against the headrest.

“I don’t even know what would make me happy anymore,” she admitted softly.

“I do,” Jonathan said. She looked at him, attempting to read this mind just by looking in his eyes. She could not. “It’s Steve, (Y/N).”

“I don’t want it to be Steve,” she said, tugging her lower lip between her teeth.

“We don’t always get to choose who it is,” Jonathan said. “But you’re like a completely different person when you’re with him. He brings out the best in you. It’s like, it’s like when you’re with him you always talk about life like there’s nothing you can’t do. It’s as if he shows you all of life’s possibilities, and like you can really see them. That’s how I know he’s what makes you happy. You’re your best you when you’re with him.”

(Y/N) felt a tear roll down her cheek but quickly wiped it away. Why was Jonathan so good at giving pep talks and motivational speeches? She started to get out of the car again, but Jonathan stopped her one more time. “Just try and talk to him, okay?” he said. “Let me know what happens.”

“Okay,” she muttered. “But if I do that, can you do something for me?”

“Sure,” he said. He was willing to do anything if it meant he could see her smile for real again. Because he really did care about her.

“Talk to Nancy,” she said. “Because I can’t be the only one trying to fix my heart, okay?”

Okay, maybe not anything. Still, he knew she was right, so he nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll talk to you later.” (Y/N) nodded and finally got out of the car, sparing Jonathan one last wave before walking into her house.

We’ve come too far to be turning back

“What if they don’t forgive us?” Nancy said, biting at her thumbnail. “It’s been a month. What if that’s too long? What if the damage has been done?”

“I know,” Steve said, lying back on his pillow. “I thought about that too. But it’s like I said, Nance. I can’t be complacent. I want the good fear back.” He paused. “And I think you do too.”

“I do,” Nancy whispered. “I’m just worried he won’t forgive me.”

“I know I don’t know why you two broke up,” Steve said, “but I do know that Jonathan has always been crazy about you, and I’m sure if you offered up an apology, he’d take it in a heartbeat.”

“I hope you’re right,” Nancy said. The pair sat in silence for a moment, letting the reality of their conversation sink in for a moment. They both knew that what had been going on between them was ending. It was for the best. They just each hoped their desired relationship would work out, because they knew they couldn’t come crawling back to each other. Not again.

And we’ll sit on our single beds Nothing on our hearts and tears on our threads For we know the last unicorn is dead

Once Nancy left, Steve sat in his bed for what felt like hours. He only got up to shower and do his hair.

When (Y/N) got inside, she headed up to her room and plopped on her bed.

Neither knew what to do.

Finally, Steve was sick of moping. He wasn’t going to let his conversation with Nancy all have been for nothing. He knew that (Y/N) was his true love, and he knew that didn’t come around everyday. He was done trying to accept that it was over. It was about time he do something about it.

He drove to (Y/N)’s house, knowing both of her parents were at work. He sat in his car for a solid minute, running over what he was going to say. He should’ve brought flowers. Flowers seemed to go well with an apology. Shit, should he go home and get flowers? Should he just turn around and forget the whole thing?

(Y/N) was sick of crying and running through the what if’s. She had done enough of that with Jonathan. She stood up from her bed and looked in the mirror. She looked refreshed, but not perfect, and that was fine with her. Jonathan was right, (Y/N) was her best self when she was with Steve, and she knew not everyone was that lucky to find the person who did that for them. She refused to keep believing that it was over. It was time she do something about it.

At the same time that Steve raised his fist to rap his knuckles against (Y/N)’s front door, she opened it.

The pair stared at each other for what simultaneously felt like an eternity and a second.

If you were to ask them who kissed whom, neither of them would know for sure, but they agreed that the technicalities didn’t matter. The bottom line was, it was clear that the thing between them wasn’t over. A love like the one they had was too pure, too rare, and too special to be tossed aside over insecurities and jealousy.

----- ----- ----- -----

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[sulietsexual]

Who are you favourite and least favourite characters? Favourite and least favourite ships? Feel free to give as much or as little detail as you like, id love to hear your thoughts :)

I’m going to assume this is in general and not specific to a certainmedium, ie. Fave tv or movie characters. I’ll try to limit myself but heads up,this may be a long post.

Favourite characters:

Prue Halliwell – fierce, strong, resilient, stubborn as hell and overlyprotective of her family, Prue is a character I identify with deeply andstrongly admire. She is multi-faceted, flawed and very complex and her arc on Charmed is one of my favourite aspects of the show.

Rachel Berenson – compassionate, brave, reckless, violent,bloodthirsty, one of my earliest heroes/role models, Rachel was my inspirationgrowing up, she showed me how a character can be both incredibly soft and amazinglyhard and how neither side needed to be compromised for the other. I will loveher until my dying day.

Jo March – another character I deeply identified with, even more sothan Prue, I pretty much was Jo March as a teen. Tomboyish,hot-tempered, constantly clashing with my siblings, rebelling against familyand societal expectations, a writer and voracious reader, everything about Joreflected that part of my life and watching Winona Ryder bring her to life inone of my favourite adaptations cemented my love for the character.

Angel – broody, petty, self-flagellating vampire with a good heart buta true darkness which he needs to constantly keep in check, who wouldn’t lovethis adorkable manpire? Angel is such a great character, he’s so complex andmulti-faceted and I wish more fans would watch his show so they can see hissubsequent development.

Juliet Burke – amazingly resilient and good-hearted broken woman, whosurvived so much, who played both sides in trying to gain her own freedom butcouldn’t go through with what she was tasked with doing and so chose to sidewith the Losties because she is such a good and compassionate person, whowatched woman after woman die while there was nothing she could do about it,who was manipulated and abused by an evil man who wanted to keep her forhimself, who fell down a ravine and detonated a bomb so that the man she lovedcould go home, who was selfless and kind and brave … I could go on forever, sheis amazing.

Charles Gunn – such an under-appreciated character, ignored byboth the fandom and the narrative, resilient, street-smart, intelligent,caring, unsure of how to navigate the world of grey but tried his best toadjust his world views, utterly screwed by the narrative of the show and thrownunder the bus for Wesley’s arc, the tragedy of Charles Gunn comes from howbadly he was treated and how the fans still refuse to see how great he was.

Mellie Grant – this is a new one as I only started watching Scandallast year but I fell so hard for Mellie Grant, fierce, resilientsurvivor that she is. I don’t think I’ve seen a more abused woman in TV buteverything her god-awful husband and Olivia Pope threw at her she survived,took in stride and came out the other side stronger and more badass. She is amazingand I hope that the shit-storm of a show gives her happy ending.

There are more I could list but we could be here forever, so I’llcap out here. Now, as for Least Favourite Characters:

Fitzgerald Grant – weak, spineless, abusive, useless, completely incompetentand constantly led around by his pecker, Fitz Grant is detestable. Thereis nothing redeeming about his character, he treats everyone around himlike shit (particularly his wife, the amazing Mellie Grant) and I just find himdespicable.

John Locke – I want to like John Locke, he is a layeredcharacter and he has a great actor attached to him but he’s just so pathetic,I cannot deal with him. He’s never right, he never knows what to do, he’sconstantly taking choices and agency away from the other Losties and I justfind him detestable.

Joey Potter – one of the biggest Mary Sues I’ve ever comes across ontelevision, she is constantly praised by other characters, propped up in the narrativeand fawned over, her story overtakes that of the main character of the show andI just find her to be a bitter, highly unlikable jerk who treats everyonearound her like crap.

Betty Cooper – this is a new one but much like Joey Potter, my dislikeof Betty Cooper stems from her being an insufferable Mary Sue whosestory/character has taken over the show, overshadowing the protagonist and allthe other far more interesting characters, while she herself is a bland,annoying Creator’s Pet, whose “dark side” is violent and cruel but is lauded asbeing “feminist”.

Favourite Ships

Okay, we could be here till tomorrow with these, so I’ll try to limitit to Top 5 here.

Buffy/Angel (BtVS) – the best and most endearing vampire/human lovestory, these two are beautiful, tragic, epic and just amazing. Theirrelationship spans two shows and their bond and connection is unrivalled. Theyhave been my OTP for almost twenty years and I will never stop loving them.

Darla/Angel (AtS)   – one of themost complex, dynamic, intriguing ships ever, I can’t even begin to find theright words to describe this incredible, centuries-long relationship. There areso many different sides and incarnations to this ship and the chemistry betweenthe actors is amazing, I can’t get enough of them.

Sawyer/Juliet (LOST) – two broken souls who were desperately trying tofind a home and found one in each other. This relationship, despite itsrelatively short run, was the most amazing, equal and beautiful one to come outof LOST, with the two character giving and taking, creating a beautifullybalanced and healthy ship, which was tragically cut short.

Fred/Gunn (AtS) – I will never forgive the AtS writers for decimating thisperfectly balanced, equal partnership, a gorgeous interracial ship, free ofstereotypes, which was built on a foundation of trusty, friendship, mutualattraction and respect (and was then torn apart for Wesley’s man pain).

Rachel/Tobias (Animorphs) – one of my earliest ships, I will never getover these two and the way they found one another amidst a war, the way theybrought out the humanity in one another and the way they grounded and focusedone another. They are absolutely heartbreaking.

Least-Favourite Ships

Spike/Buffy (BtVS) – abuse, sexual assault, emotional manipulation,attempted rape … I cannot deal with this ship, with the victim-blaming whichsurrounds it and the way in which Buffy’s pain and trauma was used to furtherSpike’s arc. This will forever be my most reviled ship.

Emma/Hook (OUAT) – this ship was forced, rushed, decimated the maincharacter of the show and reduced her to a shell of a woman whose life revolvedaround a man, not to mention it led directly to the killing off of the amazingNeal Cassidy.

Fred/Wes (AtS) – a creepy and obsessive “love”, in which Fred was hurt,shot and then horribly murdered in order to fuel Wesley’s man pain, I willnever be on board with the ship and its Spuffy-esque overtones. Give me Fredand Gunn any day.

Jonathan/Nancy (Stranger Things) – not only did Jonathan takecreepy-ass photos of Nancy while she was half-naked, their relationship wasunder-developed and forced and it threw poor Steve Harrington under the bus andmade out that his relationship with Nancy was all a farce.