#I’m in my sad Nancy era

[imthursdaysyme]

Seeing Ghosts

[yourmidnightlover]

this one time

pairing: steve x mayfield!fem!reader

summary: reader gets mixed up in the upside down drama with her sister (s2 era) and happens to get a good dose of steve harrington, and she vows it’ll only be this one time.

warnings: ohhhh boy, billy being verbally and physically abusive, fighting, season 2 (aka demodogs and whatnot), illuding to an abusive household (duh), reader being independent as hell (like to a fault lmao bc me too sometimes), kinda sad ending (oops?)

a/n: in this fic, steve and nancy never got together in season 2 :) i think that’s the only variation in the fic. i’m ngl i might’ve cried while writing this but that also could’ve just been me being hormonal lol. also my second stranger things fic!! i’m kinda excited and can’t wait to see how this goes!

you didn’t quite know why he would always stare at you. to be frank, it was getting weird.

at lunch, when you would be waiting for max, basically every time you were in his line of sight his eyes were on you.

you even had a few classes with steve. luckily you were able to sit closer to the back. the downside to that is that the seats were all right by steve. whether in front, behind, or beside. it was worth it to not be in the front row, but still. it sucked.

you just kept your head down and let the day pass as fast as it possibly could, hoping that steve would mind his own business. sometimes he did. other times he would try to start a conversation.

“you do the homework?” steve leaned over to ask, too sweet of a tone adorning his voice to tell his true intentions.

“yes, harrington,” you rolled your eyes. “i did the homework. could your brain cells not keep up enough to finish it?”

“sadly, no,” he sighed, whipping out a softer, pitiful voice. “i was hoping maybe yours were able to make up for the disappearance of mine?”

“this is the last time,” you widened your eyes, trying to remain serious to the annoying little boy. “why do you never do it?”

“well, it always gives me an excuse to talk to you,” he had a sly grin on that stupid face.

you knew him and nancy were once a thing, but after will byers was found things changed. steve found that nancy was different after everything and they had both changed too much for them to make sense anymore.

but that didn’t mean that you and him made any sense at all.

“yea, shut it, harrington,” you scoffed as you let him glance at your paper to copy onto his own.

maybe he was drawn to you because you were a bit stand-offish. you knew you were. it’s because of billy. you had to be the protective older sister max needed. you were her biological sister, but you weren’t always so mean, only when billy and his dad came around.

you would be the one to defend max to billy. on occasion, you would have to defend max against billy’s dad. this might’ve earned you a bit of, punishment, as they would call it. others would say it’s abuse.

regardless, it wasn’t always like this. used to, you would play with max all the time. you were the one to teach her to skate. you had taught her the importance of self confidence. you were her older sister. she loved you dearly, and you did her. you still did, as did she.

it was just the dynamic that had changed. now, instead of being the sweet older sister everyone knew you were the rude, protective one. perhaps you just didn’t know how to shut off the mask you put up so often, in the house you would never call a home.

it was only a matter of time before you and max got dragged into the wild world of the upside down. you had brought her to the arcade that day lucas tried to explain everything to her. as per usual, she told you everything.

“maybe he just wants to impress you?” you scoffed, the story sounding unbelievable to yourself as well.

“why like this?” she rested her head against her fist by the window. “it’s just so stupid.”

“as are boys this age, max. they’re idiots that would say anything to impress a girl,” you gave her a pressed smile. “boys are stupid. why do you think i haven’t had one?”

“yea, maybe i should follow in your footsteps,” max added.

you laughed lightly before gently nudging her shoulder, turning up the radio to the latest kate bush song that had come out.

so when lucas told max that he had real proof, you were practically forced to follow along. well, not forced. max had asked you to come, in case anything funky was going on, and you happily said yes.

little did you know you would be met with dustin henderson and your very own king steve harrington. steve had directed you all, telling you what to do. the experience was rather ominous up to this point, so you reluctantly listened, but only to protect your sister in the case that they weren’t lying.

and once everything was boarded up, you went inside of the bus and waited. and waited. and waited.

max finally got tired of the silence when she asked, “so you really fought one of these things before?”

steve’s gaze from you was finally broken as he simply nodded his head, continuing to play with his lighter in attempt to pass the time a bit quicker than it was going.

“and you’re like, totally, 100% sure it wasn’t a bear?” she offered, being the sassy mini you she always was, you bit back a laugh.

that’s when little dustin decided to speak up a bit, “shit,” he huffed. “don’t be an idiot. okay. it wasn’t a bear,” but he wasn’t done there. “why’re you even here if you don’t believe us? just go home.”

“geesh,” max got up, headed towards the ladder. “someone’s cranky. past your bedtime?” she asked as she began ascending the ladder.

you busied yourself by fiddling with some old peeling fabric from one of the seats to hide the laugh in your throat.

“that’s good,” steve spoke, seemingly proud of the toddler who had tried to insult your little sister. “just show her you don’t care.”

“i don’t,” the toddler deadpanned, staring him straight in the eyes. “why’re you winking steve? stop.”

“really?” you chuckled, speaking up about the stupid situation at hand. “show her you don’t care? that’s the advice you gave him?”

“well, yea,” steve nodded, still playing with his little lighter.

“and does that always work with the girls you like?” you leant down, getting closer to steve on the floor.

you could hear how his breath hitched in his throat as he stumbled to find the right words.

“uhh yea, mo-most of the time,” he stopped toying with the lighter, focusing on dustin who was simply pacing back and forth, mumbling some incoherent nonsense that you figured you probably wouldn’t be able to understand even if you could hear him.

“most of the time?” you scoffed. “so you told him to be a dick to my sister on account of ‘most of the time’?”

“i didn’t say to be a dick!” he threw his hands up in defense.

“well he was being one.”

“i never told him to be one!”

“next time make sure he knows that, asshole.”

a loud growl interrupted your argument. your body became stiff as you instinctively curled into the arm that he protectively threw over your shoulders as you made your way to see what the ruckus was outside.

“lucas!” dustin shouted. “what’s goin’ on!” he demanded to know.

“hold on!” lucas replied.

silence fell over the group as you shrugged steve’s arm off of you, forgetting he had held it there. if you had paid attention to it, it felt a scarier without his arm there.

“i’ve got eyes!” lucas finally informed you. “ten o’clock! ten-ten o’clock!”

“there,” steve pointed at the creature outside of the bus, crawling low and slow.

“what’s he doing?” dustin wondered.

“i don’t know.” steve answered once more. “he’s not taking the bait. why’s he not taking the bait?” he asked worriedly.

“maybe he’s not hungry?” dustin tried to guess before a lightbulb went off in steve’s mind.

“maybe he’s sick of cow?” he replied smartly.

“wait-you mean?” you spoke up for once before steve backed away, making eye contact with you before turning.

“steve?” dustin asked. “steve, what’re you doing? steve?” he worried.

steve turned back to dustin and tossed him the lighter, “just get ready.”

“you’re not going out there alone,” you huffed at the brown eyed boy.

“like hell i’m not,” he replied, turning to face you once more. “you need to stay safe.”

“no, the kids need to stay safe,” you argued. “i’m going with you,” you told him as you grabbed a metal pipe and turned toward the door.

steve huffed as he rolled his eyes at you.

“are you gonna open the door or do you need me to go first?” you offered, teasing the boy before he reluctantly opened the door and headed out first.

“back to back, yea?” he whispered, feeling your back against his own.

you slowly walked towards the creature making the noise, feeling the whoosh of wind coming from steve swinging his bat in circles, probably from the nerves. he started whistling, trying to draw the creature out from wherever it was hiding.

“come on, buddy,” he teased with another whistle. “come on, buddy. dinner time. human tastes better than cat, i promise.”

“cat?” you whisper-yelled at him.

“i’ll fill you in later,” he replied.

when you heard the growl once more, somehow clearer, you turned to face it. you had to know what it was. the dog cleared, giving you sight of the monster you’d been told about.

“oh, god,” you raised your elbow, ready to swing in case of any sudden movement made by the thing.

“steve!” lucas shouted. “watch out!”

“little busy here!” steve roared before you turned around, noticing the second monster.

“oh, god,” your breathing picked up.

“three o’clock,” you nudged his shoulder to inform him of the new situation.

when he turned to where you were faced, his own face became filled with worry rather than mild fear. backed the two of you up a bit before the bus door flung open.

“abort! abort!” dustin shouted. “steve! y/n!”

“run!” the kids were screaming.

but every which way you looked, there was a new monster blocking your path. steve ran for the car, sliding across it before whacking one of the creatures, hearing it whimper and thud against the ground. you heard one behind your own back.

“y/n!” max shouted at you, alerting you that there was one behind you.

you swung and turned your body in one motion, the momentum enough to knock its body to the ground with a whine. another one was approaching your left, so you did the same thing with success.

after turning to where you last saw steve, he was running to you, shouting at you to move. you were too slow. a creature had tackled you to the ground, luckily steve had swung his bat before anything had happened, knocking the creature off of your body and to the side before he scooped you up bridal style and carried you into the bus himself, dustin slamming the door shut on the monsters.

they were easily able to break through the metal covering the door, leaving steve to knock the things with his nailed bat as the kids ran to the other side of the bus. you had luckily kept a hold of your metal pipe after being knocked down, your leg had been hurt but it wasn’t the time to worry about that.

dustin began to radio on his headset for anyone who could hear, seemingly with no hope. max had nudged your shoulder, motioning to the sunroof of the bus, the open sunroof of the bus. you pushed her behind you and made your way to where the roof was, not getting too close.

you could hear the stomps of the monsters above your heads before one approached the ladder. all you heard was max’s scream. the monster began to lunge towards you before steve put himself between you and the creature.

“come on you little piece of shit!” he bellowed. “you want some? come on!”

all at once the creatures began to turn away, no longer banging on the bus trying to get inside. steve had looked at you once more, a look of both relief and worry in his face.

you hadn’t even realized that you had latched onto steve’s arm. you didn’t care. you kept it there for a moment longer, hoping he wouldn’t notice or mind. you were scared, you could make an excuse.

this one time.

after a few moments of silence, steve had began to make his way outside, you following right behind with the rest of the kids.

“what happened?” lucas asked, all out of breath as if he had been the one fighting out there.

“i-i don’t know,” max hesitated.

“they scared ‘em off?” dustin mentioned, trying to find some sort of positive.

“no,” steve told them. “no way. there goin’ somewhere.”

when you all decided to take off in the direction of the ominous sound, which happened to thankfully break lucas and dustin’s little argument, steve had noticed after a while that you had been taking a bit longer than the others to keep up. you weren’t too slow, just a bit out of breath. he hung back for a second so he could ask you.

“hey,” steve began quietly as dustin and lucas went ahead. “did you get hurt? when you got tackled?”

“i-i don’t know,” you replied, more truthful than saying no. you just didn’t want to be a burden to the group, but you couldn’t stay behind. “i’ll be fine.”

“y/n,” he sighed. “which leg?” he pointed at them both before you lifted your pant leg, revealing a bruise all the way up your shin, a bit of blood from a cut running halfway down your leg. “that? y/n…” he trailed off.

he automatically put your arm around his shoulder, his arm going to your waist, acting as a crutch so you two could limp along together. you appreciated it, which was odd. you were always in depended. max noticed this too. and you noticed max holding lucas’s hand earlier. she had been talking to him on the roof of the bus prior to the, ‘demodog,’ as you came to find out, experience.

what was it with hawkins boys knocking down your walls? you didn’t like it. but, your leg really fucking hurt, so you could make an excuse.

this one time.

the rest of the night went by fast.

the noise led you to this… hospital? you had to pick up hopper, the police chief, will, mike, and joyce, wills mom. you had also ran into nancy and her boyfriend? jonathan. you weren’t sure if they were official.

when you ran into nancy and jonathan you only felt steve’s hold on you get a little tighter. you would only let yourself embrace it tonight. only tonight. you made your way back to joyce’s house, who you already felt this motherly hold over you. you enjoyed it. it was different.

you weren’t quite sure what you were doing. waiting, you suppose. they had filled you in on everything. the upside down, this girl named el, will’s whole experience and now what he’s going through.

then mike starting saying how bob, the man who had passed while saving the rest of them, had started the av club. how he couldn’t die in vain.

next thing you know they’re talking about the shadow monster and the tunnels that’re connected with the hive mind. how everything, the demodogs, tunnels, mind flayer, and even will are connected.

then the kids are telling you about this mind flayer character from d&d to relate this new creature to something a little more understandable. how this creature wants to conquer us, and become the master race. and the only way to know how to destroy this monster, is through will.

you all worked to make his shed unrecognizable. you covered it in sheets and foil and tons of bright lights. then your part was over. it was yet another waiting game.

while the kids were figuring out the morse code will was signaling, steve ushered you to the bathroom.

“what’re you doing?” you sighed, already exhausted from the night you’ve had.

“cleaning you up,” he informed you as he tapped the countertop, wanting you to hop up. “it doesn’t need to get infected and with those demodogs that did this to you we don’t know what bacteria they carry. so,” he tapped the counter twice more to prove his point, his voice like satin.

you lifted your hurt leg to hop on the other, grasping steve’s shoulder a bit so you could get on the counter easier. his hand went to your waist to help.

“alright, you wanna squeeze my hand when i pour this?” he asked as he lifted a bottle of alcohol to pour on your leg.

you nodded. only for tonight.

“one,” he began counting, only he began pouring on two.

“fuck!” you grasped his shoulder with your free hand, squeezing his hand that was in your grasp. “shit, shit, shit,” you whispered, trying not to distract the decoding process. “ohhh i hate you steve.”

the smell of him was a bit distracting from the pain. it was sweaty, but with undertones of his cedar wood cologne able to peak through. but that little distraction, the little peak of him you were able to focus on, was worth it.

“aww you don’t mean that,” he put on a small smile at your anger. “okay… that’s it. now i’m just gonna put some of this on,” he held up some neosporin from the first aid kit, “and then i’ll bandage you up, yea?”

“yea,” you nodded. “that shit hurt more than it did when i got it,” you motioned to the peroxide.

“sorry,” steve didn’t know what else to say as he finished his handiwork, releasing your hand before tenderly wrapping your leg in an ace bandage. “it had to be done.”

“i know, it’s just…” you took a deep breath. “damn,” you both laughed at that.

“okay,” steve breathed out, “all done now,” he bent down and placed a soft kiss to your knee as if he kissed it all better.

“thanks,” you smiled before he placed his hands back on your waist, carefully guiding you down. you didn’t have much time before hopper came barging into the house, telling the kids to get away from the windows.

you and steve marched out of the bathroom, you still rolling your pant leg down before they brought an unconscious will back into the house. you swiftly picked up your metal pipe as steve did his nailed bat, nancy held a rifle, hopped held his own gun, and you waited. waited for something, anything.

you turned where each noise came from, hoping to catch it before it caught you.

“where are they?”

“what’re they doing?”

then the noises stopped. you all panned the area, trying to get a feel for where they went. then a demodog came flying through the window.

“holy shit.” you said in unison with dustin.

“is it dead?” max wondered.

when hopper shoved its head with his foot, we were assured it had died. but then the lock on the door came undone. it seemed as though you could never catch a break in this town. a girl began walking through the door, converse clad with a nosebleed.

mike stepped forward, clearly having a close relationship with the girl. it was like watching the sweetest of reunions.

you turned to max, “is that-“

“el?” she finished for you

“y-yea,” lucas answered. “it is.”

“i never gave up,” mike said. “i called you every night-every night for-“

“353 days,” el nodded. “i heard,” she stepped closer to him, still not believing he was finally in front of her after almost a year

“why didn’t you let me know you were there?” he seemed hurt.

“because i wouldn’t let her,” hopper spoke up, stepping forward in the group.

part of you felt as though you shouldn’t be seeing this. you were so new to the group, you felt wrong witnessing such a seemingly tender moment.

“the hell is this,” hopper began to question el. “where’ve you been?”

“where have you been?!” she retorted, a bit snappy. you liked her.

they responded with a hug, tears began to prick your eyes a little before mike ruined the moment.

“you’ve been hiding her,” he concluded. “you’ve been hiding her this whole time!” he punctuated with a shove to hoppers back.

“hey,” hopper grasped his wrists. “let’s talk. alone.”

he led mike into a room, away from the group to discuss things with a bit more privacy. in the meantime, lucas and dustin began to say their hellos to the girl.

“we talked about you basically every day,” dustin mentioned, leaving el to stare at him before tapping his teeth.

“teeth.”

“huh?” lucas and dustin wondered.

“you have teeth,” el rephrased, a bit confused as to why he had teeth.

“oh,” dustin remembered. “you like these pearls?” he began to purr? you think that’s what that was. it clearly surprised el.

max began to walk towards the girl, “eleven?” the girl just stared at max. “hey, um, i’m max,” she stuck out her hand, “i’ve heard a lot about you.”

el just walked past her, rejecting not only a handshake but what seemed like a friendship. but, el wandered into joyce’s welcoming arms.

“what was that?” you questioned.

“i-i don’t know?” max wondered herself, not knowing where she had gone wrong with the incredibly short interaction.

and with the return of eleven, it was as though the master key to a house was returned. everything fell into place as she stated that she could close the gate. she could fix everything.

in order to get the mind flayer’s grasp off of will before eleven shut the gate, joyce, jonathan and nancy went to burn the mind flayer out of him.

meanwhile you were still at joyce’s with steve and the kids. you had been helping max and lucas clean up the living room while dustin and steve were, for some reason, putting the creature in the fridge. mike was just pacing. worrying.

“mike, would you just stop already?” lucas spoke up, somehow annoyed by his movement.

“you weren’t in there, okay, lucas,” mike shouted back. “that lab is swarming with hundreds of those dogs.

“demodogs!” dustin spoke from the kitchen.

“the chief will take care of her!” lucas tried to reason.

“like she needs protection,” you added.

“listen, dude, a coach calls a play in a game, bottom line, you execute it,” steve tried to reason. “all right?”

“okay first of all this isn’t some stupid sports game,” mike rebutted. “and second we’re not even in the game. we’re on the bench.”

“right-right,” steve tried to think of a come back. “so my point is…”

“there’s nothing for us to do,” you finished for him.

“that’s not entirely true,” dustin mentioned, clearly up to something. “i mean the demodogs have a hive mind. when they ran away from the bus, they were called away.”

“so if we get their attention,” lucas interjected.

“we draw them away from the lab,” max added.

“away from eleven,” you finished.

“yeah and then we all die,” steve tried to reason.

“well, that’s one point of view,” dustin retorted.

“no, that’s not a pint of view man,” steve said with an attitude. “it’s a fact.”

“i’ve got it!” mike went into another room, pointing to the drawings of the vines. “this is where hop dug the hole. this is where we get to the vines,” he began to move again. “here, right here. this is like a hub. so you’ve got all the tunnels feeding in here. i think if we set this on fire-“

“oh, yea, that’s a no,” steve interjected, a hand on his hips as he pointed to the child. you nudged steve with your arm, pulling him to the side.

“look, i know i don’t know much about this situation and everything,” you started. “but i don’t think they’ll be able to close the gate at all with all of those dogs for eleven to kill. it seemed like killing only one of them drained her a bit. mike said that place had hundreds, steve. it’s not just our lives on the line. it’s everyone’s.”

he wanted to listen to you. he wanted to help. and he wanted you to know that he cared about what you thought. but he promised them that he would keep the kids safe. he couldn’t break his promise.

while you were trying to reason with him, the kids were still plotting on how to distract the dogs. steve ran his hands through his hair before clapping, getting everyone’s attention.

“hey! hey! hey!!” he shouted. “this is not happening.”

“but-“

“no buts!” he scoffed “i promised to keep you shitheads safe and that’s exactly what i plan on doing. we’re staying here. on the bench. and we’re waiting for the starting team to do their job. does everybody understand that?”

“this isn’t even a stupid sports game!” mike reminded him.

“i said does everybody understand that?” steve repeated. “i need a yes.”

you opened your mouth to begin speaking when you heard a familiar engine revving outside of the house. you and max ran to the couch to peer outside and see who was out there.

“shit,” you turned to max. “billy.”

“he’ll kill us if he knows we’re here,” max told lucas.

“just-just stay inside,” steve motioned to you and max. “both of you, please,” the look in his eyes told you he was serious.

you placed max behind your back and nodded to him, knowing that if he saw you would would know max was with you.

you didn’t know or hear anything that was going on outside. you were just pacing around the living room, trying to remain calm. steve could handle this.

then you saw all the kids duck down from the couch.

“what the fuck guys?” you scoffed at them. “max did he see you?!” the door slammed open, billy walking inside.

“well, well, well,” billy scowled. “lucas sinclair. what a surprise. i thought i told you to stay away from him max,” he said as he got closer to your sister, you were both able to feel his breath on your skin.

“and i thought i told you to brush your teeth this morning,” you got between him and the children.

“she knows what happens when she disobeys me,” he chuckled. “i break things.”

he immediately turned towards lucas before you could move him out of the way. billy had your shirt collar in his hands, shoving you towards the wall before he laid a punch on your cheek.

the kids were screaming, begging for him to stop. he wouldn’t listen after throwing two punches, feeling blood trickling down your nose, he held you tightly once more.

“what is it with that fucking mouth of yours huh?” he chuckled. “always such a bitch. i would imagine that your new boyfriend, harrington would like you much more if you would just keep it shut like a good little bitch, huh?”

“you’re the bitch,” you heard steve announce before he laid a fat one on billy’s cheek, shocking his grip off of you.

you nearly fell to the ground, your balance being less than stellar with your leg already hurting. max was there to help you balance, wrapping her arm around your waist.

“looks like you finally got some fire in you after all, huh?” billy began laughing maniacally. “i’ve been waiting to meet this king steve everybody’s been telling me so much about!” he walked closer to steve.

“get out,” steve ordered.

billy swung, steve ducked to miss the shot before landing another one of his own, sending billy across the room. he landed a couple more blows before billy grabbed a plate, smashing it over steve’s head. steve stumbled out of the room, trying to catch his breath while billy followed.

“nobody,” he picked steve up by his collar. “nobody tells me what to do,” he threw him to the ground.

you could sense that he was about to pound on top of steve, so you shoved billy out of the way, reminding him of your presence to shift his focus. maybe steve would be alright if you were able to distract him for long enough.

“look,” billy chuckled. “little princess with the hurt leg wants to save her boyfriend,” he kicked the hurt leg, sending you falling to the ground, but not before grasping one of billy’s legs, taking him with you.

with billy now on the ground, you rolled on top of him, sending a punch to his cheek. you winded your hand back, ready to send another one before he caught your hand, squeezing it so tight you swear your heard some bones pop.

“he’s-“ you tried to speak through the pain, tears running down your face. “he’s not,” you yanked his hair back with your free hand, shocking him enough to retrieve your hand. “he’s not my boyfriend.”

“right,” he smiled with his head back before spinning you two back over, him now on top of you before landing another punch on your cheek. “he never would be, huh?” another punch. “you’re not good enough for anyone in this goddamn town, as terrible as it is. not good enough for anybody anywhere. you’re just a little girl with daddy issues,” he put his face in your own. “trying to feel love even though you know you’ll never deserve it,” he began chuckling, brushing your hair behind your ear. “you’ll always be that pathetic little whore deep down, huh?”

tears were now flowing down your face, embarrassment long forgotten from the pure pain and torture you felt beneath the boy you should’ve trusted. the boy you were supposed to be able to call a brother. as he spat in your face, you realized he had a hold on one of your hands.

he used the free one to land one more blow to your face before steve tackled him off of you. max had immediately come to your aid, but it wasn’t long before billy was back on top of steve. you pointed to steve, then to the shelf that had the sedative.

“use it,” you nodded towards max.

she marched towards the shelf, grabbing the medicine before shoving it in the back of billy’s neck. he quickly got off of steve, turning to face max. you couldn’t hear what was going on, the ringing in your ears a bit too loud. you saw billy hit the floor, smiling with what seemed like laughter before you hobbled up, grabbing steve’s nailed bat before raising it over your shoulder.

“from here on out you will leave max and her friends alone, got it?” you asked.

he just laughed.

you swung the bat right between his legs, underneath his dick before screaming, “say you understand! say it!”

“i understand,” he finally mustered up the courage to speak.

“sorry, what was that,” you wanted him to be louder.

“i understand!”

“good,” you dropped the bat to your side before grabbing the keys from his belt loop. “joy ride, anyone?” you put on as good of a smile as you could while holding the keys up.

you had told max to drive, your leg still absolutely killing you. you sat in the back, steve’s head on your lap as you doctored up his wounds. it was the hydrogen peroxide that made him wake up.

“shh,” you whispered. “i know, i know,” you ran your hands through his hair.

“y/n?” you nodded at his question.

“let me just clean you up a bit, alright?” you finished pouring the peroxide, letting him squeeze your hand to return the favor from earlier before placing a dab of neosporin and a bandage over each cut while the kids were navigating.

you were paying attention to his wounds but he was paying attention to you. how careful you were. how soft your hands felt on his face, how nice they felt in his hair. was his head on your thighs? they were comfy. soft. he could stay like this forever. until he realized…

“oh my god!” he shouted, moving him from his daydream and back into reality.

“relax, she’s driven before,” dustin tried to convince steve it was fine.

“in a parking lot!” mike added.

steve kept chanting, ‘oh my god,’ as max drove, each of the kids trying to calm him down. it was all stressful and probably too loud for his head. there was definitely a concussion, you just weren’t sure how bad it was.

“everyone shut up!” you ordered. “steve, i couldn’t drive. the douchebag hurt my leg even more, i told her she could, she’s really not too bad. now you have got to breath before you put yourself in worse condition than you already are, got it?” you told him, hands placed softly on both sides of his face to ground his attention.

he nodded, taking a deep breath as you animated with him.

“your face,” he reached up to cup your face, you leaned into his touch.

this one time.

“i’m sorry i didn’t stop him sooner…”

“it’s not your fault, steve,” you gave him a small smile. “billy’s just a douche,” you shrugged. “besides, now i can say that i’ve been in a fight.”

you swore he was leaning into you until max nearly missed her left turn, hitting a mailbox and nearly crashing the car. steve’s arms were flailing everywhere until he wrapped one around your shoulder and the other around your waist.

“jesus, max!” you huffed out. “make a liar out of me, why don’t ya?”

a sigh of relief fell upon the entire group as she put the car in park. “i told ya. zoomer,” she added.

“zoomer?” steve asked you, you laughed and placed your hand over his mouth to shut him up for a moment.

you and the kids got everything out of the car, the masks and goggles to protect yourselves. steve was stumbling out of the car, mumbling about how he told you not to go in there, saying that it wasn’t gonna happen.

“look, steve,” you took your metal pipe out of the trunk. “either you stay here and watch the car or something while i make sure they stay safe or you come with us and help me. your decision,” you shoved his backpack in his direction, along with his nailed bat, before hobbling after the kids.

“y/n,” steve called you back. “you’re hurt. your leg. is this really the best decision?”

“it’s the only decision, steve,” you shook your head. “regardless of whether or not you’re going down there, my sister is not going without me. got it, steve?” he nodded. “good.”

steve jumped in the hole before you, able to catch you so you wouldn’t hurt your leg even more with the impact of landing. you quickly took your hands from his shoulders to turn and observe the tunnels.

“yea i’m pretty sure it’s this way,” mike said, his voice slightly muffled by the bandana around his nose and mouth.

“you’re pretty sure or are you certain?” dustin demanded to know.

“im 100 percent sure!” mike rephrased. “just follow me and you’ll know!” mike began to lead the group.

“woah! woah! woah! hey, hey, hey!” steve shouted. “i don’t think so,” he said as he caught up with mike, leaving max to be your crutch beside you.

“what?” mike questioned.

“any of you little dipshits die down here and i get the blame,” steve said. “got it, dipshit?” you rolled your eyes. “here on out, i’m leading the way. come on, let’s go.”

“my god, what is this place?” you looked around. it seemed like a cave that had little extensions.

“alright let’s keep moving!” steve ordered, moving ahead quickly.

“ahh shit!” you heard dustin’s scream “it’s in my mouth! holy shit it’s in my mouth! ahhh!”

you all ran to where he was, you got on the ground next to him, he grasped your arm as he kept trying to spit it out on the ground, coughing before sitting back up.

“i’m okay,” he breathed out.

“seriously?” you shoved him back before steve held out his hand to help you up, letting his hand linger around your waist.

“really funny man,” steve sassed. “nice, very nice.”

this time he let his hand on your waist guide you through the tunnels beside him, albeit a bit worried about something happening to you. you didn’t mind, you felt max’s presence right behind you.

“alright wheeler,” steve announced. “i think we’ve found your hub.”

it was huge. like a big cave with little extensions in every direction. the little particles dancing around made it hard to see, even still with your adjusted eyes.

“drench it,” mike said.

you all began pouring the flammable liquid you had gathered everywhere, making sure to cover as much surface as possible. this thing would burn. and you wanted to make sure of it.

“you guys ready?” you asked, they all nodded. you turned to steve, his nod ensuring that they were ready before you flicked the flame alive, tossing it onto the ground.

immediately the vines began to come to life, screeching from pain and writhing, trying to escape it.

“let’s go,” steve yelled. “let’s go! let’s go! lets go!” he ushered the kids away, you not too far behind him.

when mike tripped, screaming for help, you were able to whack the vine with your metal pipe, sending it screeching back away from his leg, you ordered the others to keep running before a dog came before you.

“dart?”dustin had asked. “is that you buddy?”

“dustin-“

“trust me!” dustin ordered. “hey, it’s me, it’s me. it’s just your friend. it’s dustin,” he took his goggles off to prove it to the creature. “just dustin, all right? you remember me,” he crouched down to the dog’s level. “will you let us pass?”

the dog snarled at him, seemingly telling the child no.

“okay, okay. i’m sorry,” dustin tried to reason. “i’m sorry about the storm cellar. i know it was a pretty douchey thing to do. you hungry?” he reached into his backpack. “yea? i’ve got our favorite. see? nougat,” dustin began to unwrap the candy for the dog to eat, placing on the ground. “look at that. yummy. here, all right,” he backed away from the dog, waving for everyone to pass the creature while he was occupied. “there’s plenty, i’ve got more,” he offered.

you began to ignore his reunion, instead ensuring that max got across safely, your hand on the square of her back as steve led the group at the front. dustin quickly earned his footing ahead of you before you saw the rope.

steve began lifting the kids up the rope as he heard the roaring of the dogs. first max, then lucas, mike, dustin, then the dogs were too close.

“steve?” you looked at him, tears pricking the corners of your eyes.

he grasped your hand, “i’ve got you,” but you opted for wrapping your arms around his torso, his going around your shoulders. you tucked your head into his chest before realizing that they hadn’t attacked you. they were going around.

“eleven,” mike realized.

steve was able to hoist you up, letting the rest of the kids help pull you up before he grasped your hand, you and the kids doing the same for him. once you were all on safe, solid, normal ground, you noticed the headlights of the car getting increasingly bright. eleven was doing her thing. you had helped.

-

one broken tibia and a month later, hawkins was seemingly ‘normal’ again. you were adorned in a pretty little cast while waiting for max outside of the snow ball dance. you think her and lucas will kiss, she might’ve mentioned wanting to during one of your sleepovers.

you were parked outside of the school, reading the shining for what felt like the 50th time, when a car parked next to your own. you looked across and saw none other than steve harrington in the drivers seat, a dorky grin on his face as he waited for you to wave your hand and motion for him to join you in your car.

“hey,” he opened the door and plopped in. “so, uhhh…”

“yes?” you asked, wanting to know why he had that dopey grin on his face. while it was an obnoxiously cute grin, you still wanted to know what put it there.

“how’s the leg?” he motioned to the one that was bent in your seat, still a bit of grief hit him when he remembers how hurt you had gotten that night.

“y’know,” you shrugged. “it’ll be fine. hurts like hell, though.”

“i’m sorry,” he dropped eye contact with you, opting to look at his hands that were currently cupping his knees.

“for what?” you chuckled. “you didn’t do this.”

“yea but,” he breathed out. “i could’ve. i saw billy when he-he shoved your leg in. you have no idea how-how angry that made me. and how he spoke to you? i just… you are deserving of-“

“hold it, steve,” you put your hand up. “i don’t need you to give me this whole ‘pity speech’ about how i deserve love and how im not broken, okay?” you rolled your eyes. “i know i am and im fine with that. what i don’t need is some guy who thinks he knows me try to tell me that im good enough for him or for anyone else. because frankly, i don’t-i don’t even feel that way, okay? so, please,” you felt tears prick your eyes. “don’t bring that back up. because bill-billy somehow knows my deepest thoughts and fears and i-i don’t want anyone else to even think about them. i just can’t handle it right now.”

“y/n,” he grasped your hand with his own. “it’s okay. it’s okay to not be able to handle something-especially after what you’ve been through,” he brought your hand to his lips. “i care about you. i want you to be able to talk through it, even if it isn’t with me.”

“i can’t,” you shook your head. “i can’t talk to max about this. i don’t want her to see me like this.”

“then she doesn’t have to, okay?” he reached across the console and wrapped his arms around you, letting you cry on his shoulder. “i’m here, it’s okay.”

“it’s just…” you dragged on. “home isn’t good. it’s not even a home. i just try to make sure max is never in the mix when things go down but then i-then,” you choked on a sob before he continued to stroke your back.

he pulled back after a second, “if you and max ever need to just… escape, you know my door is always open,” his eyes searched yours for some sort of confirmation but found a bit of weariness. “my parents are like never home, so you won’t really have to worry about them not wanting you guys around.”

“i wouldn’t want to do that to you,” you shook your head, insistent on the idea that you would be too close to a burden on him.

“do what?” he scoffed with a smile. “rid me of my… i’ll admit, loneliness?”

“steve harrington? the king of hawkins high, lonely?” you rolled your eyes. “yea, i’ll believe it when i see it.”

“then you will come over?” he acknowledged with a shit-eating grin. “see the loneliness, first-hand?”

“maybe, steve,” you sighed. “maybe.”

and maybe you should’ve let yourself hold onto him a little longer. you should’ve let your walls down for him. but you couldn’t. you barely knew him. well, you knew him now. but not outside of trying to save the world. you didn’t know how he was when he was sick. you didn’t know his favorite color.

so for tonight, you let yourself feel. you let yourself weep and break and crumble apart in steve harrington’s arms. chances are he would forget what even happened the next day anyway.

this one time.

tomorrow came. and no sign of steve. then the next, then the next. for some reason you felt disappointed. after everything… no.

you don’t need him. you don’t want him. you are perfect without him. your walls are still intact. you have yourself. that’s all you need.

but max, well, max needed you. sometimes she wouldn’t admit it, but she really did need you. so, you were there.

you drove her to the arcade the fifth day, deciding to stick around and watch her do her thing from inside, cheering her on and handing her more quarters once she ran out.

when you heard the other heathens arrive, you knew who was dropping them off. you opted to not even look out of the glass door. he doesn’t need to know you’ve even thought of his name. maybe you have a bit too much.

“y/n,” steve’s voice rang through your ears. you turned to face him with an obviously forced grin. “sorry i never called, my-“

“oh, doesn’t matter, harrington,” you shrugged. “all is well.”

“i just thought that you maybe wanted to talk since…” he dragged on, not wanting to spill too much with this many ears around.

“look, harrington,” you turned to actually look him in his eyes. “i get that we got a bit close and all because of some life or death situations but you don’t need to pretend to care or be my friend anymore. i just-i need to make sure max is taken care of, and that takes a lot more work than you would think,” you chuckled, trying to break the bridge before your walls became irreplaceable to the brown haired boy before you.

“i was never pretending, y/n,” his eyebrows furrowed at your word-vomit taking a step closer to you while reaching for your hand. “you realize i just want to help, i want to be there for you.”

“i don’t need anyone,” you shook your head, pulling your hand away from his. “i’m fine, harrington. i’ve been fine without someone this far, and i’ll continue to be fine.”

“you deserve to be better than fine, y/n,” he argued, letting your hand fall from his own, as much as he missed its warmth. “and what-what’s happened to ‘steve’? what’s with this ‘harrington’ bullshit again?”

“it’s your name,” you shrugged, avoiding eye contact with the man in front of you. you could feel how close you were to caving in. but you couldn’t. you just… you couldn’t risk it. “i’ll use it how i please.”

“when you decide you want to be more than fine,” he sighed, knowing how stubborn you were. “i’ll always be here. waiting for you.”

you turned around before saying with tears in your eyes, “don’t hold your breath, harrington.”

you felt his hand linger over your shoulder, hesitating to leave his touch before you felt the warmth of his presence retreat. the only sign that told you he was surely gone was the ring of the bell on that glass door and the revving engine of his car.

you wouldn’t have noticed if the glass door had shattered as distracted as you were with the feeling of your own heart doing the same. this wasn’t supposed to hurt. you weren’t supposed to feel anything. but now you felt everything. from the one night, that was supposed to only be one time. so why did you want him all the time?

[freaky-munson]

and i thought we were meant to be forever

navigation

hi guys!! it is a little bit different than what i had in mind during writing it’s teaser but i couldn’t bring myself to make it that angsty - if you want more heartbreaking version let me know

story that began in high school when steve was still an asshole

steve harrington x reader

warnings: angst; slight fluff in the end

words: 2,794

present

there were many things Steve Harrington regretted in his 19 years old life. he was sure that great amount of them he didn’t even remember properly, spending most of his high school years partying and drinking till unconsciousness.

the thing what would make him cringe the most was dating Nancy - at least dating Nancy that long to make her call him and their whole relationship bullshit; he knew it was mistake, almost from the beginning of their relationship. he saw the longing looks either Nancy or Jonathan would send each other. but of course he chose to ignore it due to his “King Steve” era - because how could he, the most handsome, funny and athletic guy lose a Hawkins’ princess to some weird loser.

sometimes he wished he befriended other people. tommy and carol were bullies from the beginning, laughing at others’ expense - that flag should be red enough to stop him from hanging out with them. although, then what? he would be left alone, with no one to talk with during lunch, maybe some guys would even plead to remove him from basketball team because “he wasn’t in the clique anymore” and that - besides swimming team - was the only thing bringing him joy those days.

the only thing he left in the dark parts of his memories was brief romance with shy girl in sophomore year of high school. he felt kind of bad that he didn’t even try to learn her last name, maybe that was his way of coping with this whole blue situation; in that sad part of his life where he was real asshole, with capital A, he didn’t have any thoughts of trying to reach the girl, trying to ease the situation.

„Why can’t you just say it?!”

“I have nothing left”

“Are fucking kidding me? You go around telling all of our friends some fucked up shit about me and you dare to lie straight to my face that you don’t have anything against me?”

“It isn’t fucked up shit if it’s 100% sure! Why would I use my energy to talk to you when you never listened to me? It’s surprising that you pulled your head out of your selfish ass and actually paid attention to others!”

“You know what - I don’t fucking care anymore. We are done. I’m so tired of you belittling me and trying to gaslight me. I hope that you will grow up someday, Steve.”

“If I knew you were such a bitch, I would never agreed to take that bet. If Tommy didn’t pay me 50 bucks you would always remain that sad, insecure virgin that no one wants. So be glad cause I actually made you a little bit desired. Cause you couldn’t do that on your own, obviously.”

there was no shame in admitting that, no point in lying; because in the end it was true and everybody was aware of it.

now, after getting his own ass beaten intermittently in the past made him act with hint of humility. perhaps it was his slightly crooked nose from being broken one too many times that made him think about fucking this stupid hierarchy, learn some compassion, start to actually think about his future rather than live in the present, spending daddy’s money and sleeping around with every volunteering girl.

was that new lifestyle worth all the hustle? one could say no, it cost him his title, popularity, long queue of waiting girls. for steve though, it was refreshing, the wake up call he needed for the long time.

and that helped him actually find good friends; robin who he worked with, who was big part in his change; dustin getting the role of younger brother who felt more like his family than his own blood parents; nancy and jonathan - what made him the most surprised - they were huge help with correcting his SATs results to get him better chance at college. even eddie munson worked his way into close friends group.

maybe earlier he was treated with more seriousness and some weird teenage respect - being the person all guys wanted to be and all girls wanting to be with. right now when he was called dingus, mom of the group, the hair, the best babysitter - he didn’t mind; he knew that it was all meant in love, fun, it had sincere tone, not like the previous praises.

did he ever think about repairing his mistakes? yes, he mend amends with byers boy, even upgraded from enemies to neutral acquaintances with one and only billy hargrove.

albeit his conscience wasn’t peaceful yet. his heart and soul couldn’t deal with the fact of this one ill-fated bet that made that pretty girl leave town. cause he knew that no coincidence would magically take place in the same time his harsh and cruel words did just to make him feel better.

he asked about her his girl-friends; both of them heard rumours, even knew personally y/n but in the end only the pair knew what exactly happened. even then, y/n remained as sweet as she was the whole time, never wanting to harm anyone the way she was treated. it only made steve feel even worse; how could he behave like that? not remembering anything specific about the girl, besides few little happy, now seeming meaningless moments, didn’t stop him from constantly having flashbacks of these hurtful words. and wishing he would do it all again, but differently.

what made him shiver was the fact that at that moment he almost meant every single word.

because if asked what was she like, he would immediately answer “beautiful like an angel, with even prettier smile”; because of course he was aware of her beauty and disgusting comments of her body, connected to this fact, he heard almost daily in the men locker room

“i would fuck her bare, i’m sure her cunt is like a wonderful glove”

“have you seen her boobs? she could suffocate me with them”

“and that juicy ass, if she won’t give herself to my fortunately i know a way”

as much as he was a jerk, he was respectful; and talking about any girl that objectifing way made him mad. so when the opportunity came he firstly agreed to that “ask her out” bet. in a way he wanted to be a hero, but part of him wanted to get her, to make him look even more like a king in peers’ eyes.

but besides the part of her being not desirable, at that moment his 16 years old self was almost sure he was telling the truth.

they had multiple fights earlier, as any young couples, he couldn’t count how many times carol and tommy were breaking up and getting back together.

but the arguments weren’t the worst. what he mostly disliked about the girl was how genuine she was; she was selfish but in the way steve was jealous about - she fought for herself, if she set her mind on something, she would do it. but her slight egoism didn’t hurt anyone - unlike his.

y/n was actually gradually making him better version of himself; she introduced him to her friends, who were way more pleasant than his own; she forced him to learn and read more. at first he didn’t mind, it was nice change of environment, the problems started to build up when those amendments have been seen by tommy and the rest. steve, having no parents around, wanting some kind of appreciation, couldn’t been seen as a pussy. it was around that time were he stared rumours about her being freak in the sheets, describing her body in detailed way, shown for his eyes only.

when she didn’t like those, he stared calling her slut and bitchy prude, not knowing how to have fun; to make it worse, all the new friends she made during her relationship with steve turned her back to her, valuing their reputation over the truth the girl wanted to share.

the fight where he screamed at her was the day he admitted to himself that he stared to fall for the girl. but he couldn’t, it was only a bet and his great “friends” would eat him alive if he backed out of this challenge; it would also bring more prats her way, trying to mount her just to show their toxic masculinity. then he did what he thought was the best - he pushed her away, made her less attractive to other people, running away from responsibilities. just because he was not man enough to abandon his toxic friends to choose girl who made him feel hundreds times happier.

so after almost these 3 years, he still told himself that he actually saved her. those words they threw around during the breakup which led the girl away were for him just a small price for this high award of peers’ acceptance and girl’s freedom from creeps.

only that allowed him to forget and hide this in the back of his mind.

to be honest, he had no idea what he would say to y/n if she came back to hawkins; “i’m sorry” in this situation seemed almost stupid; it couldn’t take back any pain the girl experienced that day. he destroyed her self-confidence to the point, she would rather pack her bags and leave for some private school

and y/n really tried to be tough; she has been building her bad, stone cold bitch image for the whole first half of the high school. but these words hit her hard. hard enough to make her decision to leave Hawkins for private school so much easier.

would she change her decision if she had a chance? maybe. she left her friends, her family, her whole life. but it the end she was glad; hawkins was small, sometimes suffocating. and new york? it opened so much new perspectives. new friends, new environment, new teachers. college now seemed like a beautiful continuation of the dream, not the only way to escape small town life.

it also made her think about this whole steve situation; after moving in to her dorm, she had plenty time to think. even when the boy hurt her incredibly she couldn’t bring herself to hate him; in those little moment of his sincerity, she saw that he was small, insecure boy with no support from his closest family. it took her a little more time to forgive him but in the end she did. ‘make love, not war’ they said.

but with this whole understanding came curiosity; she had just one question; why?

fortunately for her, less for him, she had quite opportunity to came back to indiana. she couldn’t imagine not being able to participate in her dearest older sister’s wedding day.

hawkins didn’t specifically change; it still was a small town, full of family houses and this hint of mysteriousness; as it was nearing the end of summer it was full of teenagers and young adults trying to enjoy their last free days;

y/s/n being the introvert her whole life, didn’t want his huge bridal party what only could make her feel anxious and uncomfortable - so y/n being this great sister planned a rom com movie night in the recess of their peaceful backyard.

the obvious place to get the movies was family video. as she wasn’t aware of this new steve era, all the more so she was shocked to see harrington there; was it another stupid bet of his?

but seeing him honestly smiling and bickering with the short haired girl, made her not so sure. did the miracle happen and steve harrington actually become nice and somewhat normal person?

“well mr harrington this is the last place i would imagine seeing you in. and additionally as a worker? actually you may be human not walking ass!” the happy joking tone of her voice made steve almost jump out of his body; was the heat so big that he fainted and it was all in his dream? why it appeared now a after so much time?

“y/n?”

“in the flesh! how are you?”

steve didn’t like it; he was aware that she was one of the nicest people alive, only wearing mask of cold bitch, but he couldn’t believe she was actually nice to him.

“been good. been better, worse too. you cut your hair.”

y/n smiled a little; she knew that the boy was feeling like in some weird ass dream, his face now was much more expressive than when he was 16 years old, only starting to become a young man.

“yeah, i thought that it would match more the whole new york vibe. i’m actually glad i met you though.”

“i’m sorry but i’m not going to pretend it’s normal situation anymore.” removing his vest he turned his head to his coworker and grabbed his car keys from the cupboard “i’m taking my lunch break. and we are going to talk”

shrugging her shoulders, y/n followed her ex boyfriend to his car. the somehow pleasant silence taking place in the car made their drive to local diner seemed almost like they were some best friends, never needing to talk to understand each other.

“i don’t want to seem more jerkish than i already am in your eyes, but what game are you playing?”

“steve, i don’t know what you mean. i made a slight mistake of leaving abruptly, not wanting to resolve our problems by communication as we should. i want to know the reason why we didn’t made it through.”

“y/n, we didn’t survive because i was a stupid boy. there was no chance because as much as i cared about you then, i cared about popularity more. how can you still talk to me after all those things i said. after the bet i took. are you trying to get revenge? go for it, cause so you know, i kinda grew up, just as you asked me. i reflected my life and i have been so disappointed in myself that it made me realise that i’m not surprised that for such a long time i didn’t have real friends. so whatever you do, won’t even hurt me any more than i already hurt myself.”

y/n was surprised; she never thought about some revenge; it was stupid, childish and unnecessary. she believed in second chances. she saw them as new, blank piece of paper to write a new story

“i’m not here for revenge. i just wanted the whole picture, not only my assumptions. which may be stupid, cause i’m hanging onto something from time long ago. to be honest i knew about the bet from the beginning. it wasn’t natural for one of the most popular boys go for quiet, bookwormish girl. just i’m curious why did you lie to whole school? as i remember being slut and prude was quite accomplishment” steve clearly saw that the girl was still as genuine as she was then. her eyes were laughing, telling him she overworked all that high school drama and was above it. he just couldn’t understand why she forgave him that easily “i see that you are still beating yourself with all of this. i really forgave you. i cherish those moments where you showed me your true self, i clearly see in you right now, because it helped me understand that it wasn’t you in that moment”

“as cheesy as i may sound, i chose to cut you to protect you. from myself for the most part. i stared to fall for you, and it was something new. feelings i have never felt before, which have never been shown to me. besides as i mentioned i cared about my status so when guys stared to mock me for falling in love with you, i tried to defend my honour in return ruining yours. and i’m really sorry for that. hearing what those other guys said about you, made my blood boil, so i tried to remove their attention from you, shitty way i know.”

“i cared about you too. even then where you treated me like shit. maybe we should talk then, like normal, adult people”

“except that we weren’t adults then, at least i wasn’t. even now i don’t think i have an adult mindset like you”

“it takes years of practice dear friend. i think i want to really get to know your new personality steve harrington. now that there is no obstacles in our way.”

“you know what, i think that’s a great idea. can i tell you a secret?” y/n nodded vigorously smiling like and idiot “in my nice moments i always had a feeling our story won’t end where it stopped 3 years ago”

“i will tell you a secret too. in our cute little moments i always thought we were meant to be forever.”

taglist

@555stargirl555 @bibliophilewednesday @junglecoxk @justanothersepticeyefan @clxire-clxrrisse

[andvys]

screaming, crying, throwing up, snot dripping-

ANDY WAHT?! here i am, minding my business and i see you posted and i get so incredibly excited.

why was i in tears after the first five paragraphs..? maybe it’s bc of my period or bc all the fics i’ve read today have been the fluffiest steve fluff known to man, but i wasn’t expecting it

i cant believe you said you needed to improve your writing, absolutely not. this was too good i cant. you are absolutely amazing

steve tho?! i need a minute bc im currently crying just thinking about him being sad. him being so calm while nancy was being her regular dumb self? him actually apologizing to the reader and just admitting everything?! him seeing reader and eddie together? andy you’re gonna be so sick of me by chapter 30 idk how youre going to do it love

AND THEN YOU SAY THE MOMENTS BETWEEN THEM COMING UP IS GONNA MAKE ME EVEN MORE HAPPIER AND IN LOVE WITH THEM?! andy you don’t know what you’ve done to my hopes, take it back.

also seeing everyone switch their teams.. HAAHAHAHAH I KNEW IT, LITERALLY KNEW IT. more people to pay for the ending💥💳💥💳💳🙄

but yes now that i’m done crying, I LOVED IT. and don’t speak bad about your writing ever again, that’s just a disgrace

<3

thank you for saying that I don't need to improve my writing 🤍 I just hate that it's so receptive and basic? But I appreciate you saying that!

I could never get sick of you! These asks keep me going hehe

Steve is in his redeeming era right now. You're getting the sweet scoops ahoy sailor soon -- reader is gonna love him in his little uniform

I love how everyone is constantly switching teams, everybody is confused just like me

[belovedharringrove]

so a while back i officially reached 100 followers on here and, as a way of thanking all you wonderful human beings, i decided to make a post rating some stranger things characters based on how they would react if asked their sexuality and if they support the lgbtq+ community. y’know, a 100 follower celebration post. so here it is! i apologize if it’s short and i’ll probably make a part 2 if enough people ask for it and suggest new characters. enjoy!

billy hargrove

2/10

slapped me for hanging out with steve?

ouch, bestie

doesn’t have a sexuality

probably because he hates everyone

for good reason tbh

not an ally 😭

ouch, bestie pt. 2

told me to be ashamed of myself???

calling the cops on u, sir

would’ve given him a lower rating but it amused me how i annoyed him so much he decided to stop talking to me.

didn’t stop me from bothering him some more tho lol

steve harrington

8/10

kinda sus how he told me it’s obvious he’s straight

like ok, sir

it’s just a question

is an ally 🎉

got kinda defensive towards the end there tho

watch ur tone with me

but still, it was probably bc he has a homophobic dad or something

i’m not gonna punch u for supporting the community, babes

and i’m definitely not gonna slap you for hanging out with me *side eyes billy*

tommy hagan

6/10

poor boy is confused

says he’s straight but then says he has no interest in women

pls make it make sense

lost points for not even being an ally

legit said he doesn’t care about us, like???

ouch, bestie pt. 3

bestie was so quick to tell me no too, like

damn ok, chill

not inviting him to my birthday party, that’s for sure 😤

eddie munson

9/10

why was steve cheating on me with nancy at the beginning? 🤨

made me repeat myself which is totally not cool

said he’s straight which is totally okay but i at least thought he would be pan tbh

the steddie/mungrove/harringroveson shippers are not gonna like this

can already hear the hellcheer fandom throwing a party in the bg tho

lost points for hesitating to tell me he’s an ally

can’t be too mad at him tho bc he did check up on me after steve? cheated on me? with nancy wheeler???? which was very sweet of him

i am kissing u on the forehead rn, edward munson

jonathan byers

9/10

*whispers* he’s a little confused

says he’s gay but likes me?

ok

he understands himself and that’s what matters

short and sweet and straight to the point

wasted no time and i appreciate that

the short responses made me sad tho

lost a point bc he asked me out on a date after this

like bestie, i thought u were gay

don’t confuse me

argyle

1/10

i am brocken 💔❤️‍🩹⛓❤️‍🔥

this one hurt me

i was rooting for u, we were all rooting for u

thought he was doubting and still exploring which is 100% cool

but then bestie goes and says he’s not an ally?

and then bestie has the nerves, the gall, the audacity and the balls to ask me why i’m mad?

sir

SIR

don’t play with me

tried to get me to smoke with him afterwards and got all sad when i said no

he made me sad too so now we’re even

nancy wheeler

5/10

um

how did she know where to find me?

worstie is in her stalker era

made. me. repeat. myself.

not cool.

worstie rlly said “gay rights but for me only”

was very quick about it too

after that she asked me to stop calling her bestie because it made her uncomfortable

when i said yes she just walked away from me

i thought we were gonna study together 😢

robin buckley

what/10

why do they always make me repeat myself?

i thought she was a lesbian. what.

depends on who?? asks? the question???

so did she really tell steve that she’s a lesbian just to keep him away from her? i am so sorry, stevie baby

but did she really go around thinking that i thought that gay people don’t exist?

you heard it here first, folks. gay people aren’t real, they’re actually robots made by the government to spy on us and turn the frogs gay.

side note but what the fuck kinda projects are these teachers giving

how about neither, bestie

carol perkins

6/10

made me explain myself

a bisexual queen

date me then pls

i mean what? 😳

apparently learned from nancy, little miss “gay rights for me and only me”

gets one more point than nancy bc she apologized for not being an ally

although now that i think about it, she probably apologized just so i would giver her a ride

she would do that

barbara holland

11/10

told me to go away and then asked to be friends

confusing

was straightforward which i always appreciate

didn’t plan on asking her if she was in love with nancy, it really just slipped, but tbh i’m glad i did bc the tea is piping hot

she and tommy need to start a “in love with my best friend but live in a homophobic town so need to hide my feelings for them” club tbh

is an ally 😍

she said gay rights for everyone

r.i.p barb, i knew you were my favorite character in season 1 for a reason

tag list: @iwigyousub

[erin-bo-berin]

Okay, imagine Steve in an It's A Wonderful Life scenario. Imagine him feeling down and out about his existence and he tries to... Yan now... So divine intervention happens in the form of an angel that takes the form of Dustin.

Here's what I imagine would happen if Steve didn't exist:

1) Nancy and Jonathan never get together and Nancy ends up with some douchebag (probably Billy) who doesn't treat her right.

2) Max never became a part of the Party and she had no one to look out for her whenever Billy or Neil were abusive

3) Dustin left the Party but he has no friends

4) Lucas becomes a douchebag jock, much like Steve did in his "glory days"

5) Robin is made fun of and insulted. Nobody knows she's gay but she's under suspicion and is therefore, bullied.

Happy ending where Steve comes back with new lease on life and more appreciative of himself and what he's built.

Feel free to add more if you like

🌹

How can I add to this perfection? I’m telling you you’re making my eager for Christmas heart so happy right now!

I also have an idea though based off one of my favorite holiday books that I’ve read every year (this year will be my 5th time reading it). It’s a retelling of A Christmas Carol, called The Afterlife of Holly Chase. She’s an awful person and after she dies ends up becoming The Ghost of Christmas Past in a top secret program called Project Scrooge and ends up falling in love with the current years’ Scrooge.

But in my idea, Steve is the one who dies during his King Steve era and becomes a part of Project Scrooge. He’s done this for 4 years now, this Christmas being his 5th and he’s resigned to the fact that this is going to be his afterlife for eternity. Until this year, there’s a new Scrooge; one that isn’t old and wrinkly and Ebenezer like. You’re beautiful and he can’t stop thinking about you. Against all the company policies, while he simultaneously does his Project Scrooge work, sorting through your past for the best pieces to show you on Christmas Eve, to help you change your ways, he goes to see you in real life. He told himself it was just to see you and that’s it. But then he spoke to you and it unravels from there. He falls in love with you and can’t keep himself from you. But as much as you’re changing him, for the better, he realizes it can’t be a real relationship as he has so many secrets for you. Your redemption is in jeopardy from what he’s done and he doesn’t want to be selfish like he had been in his life, so he sacrifices himself and his feelings to help save your soul. After rushing in during the Ghost of Christmas Future’s visit, confessing his feelings for you and what had happened, begging you to listen to the ghosts because your life and soul depends on it, he runs out, emotional. All to get in a car accident, to wake up the day he died, 5 years ago. See, Project Scrooge never gave up on him and his time spent at the company was his “rehab” to making him a better person. This Christmas, he was finally ready. Although sad that he can’t be with you, you’re such a huge part of his heart now and Steve has a new outlook on life and is a completely a different person. From that Christmas on, he’s no longer his King Steve persona. He’s the kind, caring and gentle man we know him to be today.

[twiststreet]

Finally circled back to finishing a couple of books I started a long time ago and then hit pause on for years, while I read other books that I hit pause on, rinse, repeat, etc.  And read some short stories. I’ll just log all that under a jump (excepting the 4-5 books I read for projects or whatever this year)...

I got done with Salem’s Lot finally, after starting and stopping and starting and stopping.  I enjoyed it, even if my sporadic reading suggests otherwise (though I might have liked if the end was more tragic like the beginning promises than the more raucous fist-pump ending King went with).  I think I’d heard about a number of the big scenes in Lot from Danse Macabre lifetimes ago, so it was fun “seeing” those scenes finally-- the school-bus, at least.  It’s primetime-era King, where he asks “What if a small town in Maine were horny and sad”, but then after about 300 pages of that, “but also vampires, though?  Welp, the end”.  I had fun-- I liked how detailed and rich the small town and its history of small miseries was though, compared to the vampires, who just turn out to be some guys he invented to be mad at.

I also finally finished the Brian De Palma novel, Are Snakes Necessary, that he wrote with his lady for Hard Case Crime.  It’s not great-- it just doesn’t have much of an engine under the hood to keep you reading, but it is kind of interesting seeing De Palma trying to do De Palma without having visuals.  I mean, his visual thinking is such a big part of the appeal, and he attempts a proper set piece at the end (it doesn’t quite work)... But subtract that out, and it’s still him, so there’s... talk about Hitchcock, an essentially-pathetic morally compromised male protagonist (not as pathetic as Body Double but closer to that than like Nancy Allen), philandering-gone-wrong, the suspicion of politicians from something like Blow Out, etc.  All the other De Palma stuff, but unadorned.

This one just doesn’t work, though because there’s this female-revenge subplot that just is too ludicrous to even bother to describe.  But it’s interesting at least how ... De Palma’s moral universe isn’t judgmental, I guess...?  In his, regardless of if you’re a good person or bad person, if you brush up against “power” or the “the truth of how the world is”, you’ll probably be destroyed by it-- though all other things being equal, you really, really don’t want to be innocent or pure of heart, if you want to survive a De Palma movie (but that’s fine because you probably won’t be entirely innocent to begin with, if you’re in a De Palma movie).  You kind of want to know the score if you want to survive, and even if you survive, you’ll probably still be a mess at the end (because you don’t really know the score, you chump-- you were fooling yourself), and evil will probably not be punished, not really. 

It’s a dark worldview, but then you just look at his biography and how could it be anything else...?  

The book had that a little, though it just... it’s just undermined by the weird female-revenge storyline that again is just... kind of strange and dumb, like a real “huhhhh?” plot that seems tangential to the rest of the book, more than satisfying or organic.

And then short stories, I read, let me think-- I read Elmore Leonard’s Fire in the Hole, which is where the Justified pilot came from.  That was fun because the whole Raylan-Boyd romance is right there in the short story, but it’s just the Justified pilot.  (For short stories, the Leonard story I like more, setting aside his Western short stories where he was the most prolific, is Hanging out at the Buena Vista, which is just about two senior citizens deciding to hook up over the course of a little 4-5 page short story that I think he wrote for the newspapers).  

Oh, and then I’m reading the new Alan Moore short story collection Illuminations.  I read the first two anyways.  I didn’t really dig the first short story, The Hypothetical Lizard, which was Moore writing a sort of dark horror-fantasy about a fantasy-universe brothel for some shared-world universe anthology back in the 80′s or 90′s-- it’s him in a nasty mode, so there’s a sexual violence to it, or that permeates it, which is off-putting.  I think maybe somebody (Avatar?) adapted it...?  The central metaphor is about witnessing a sort of crime but being deprived by the sexual-violence inherent to the sex trade or a patriarchal society or what have you, being deprived of a voice to even articulate that the crime has happened. So okay, not a bad metaphor!  But I felt like it piled a lot of extraneous detail onto that which weighed it down-- I don’t think a discussion of patriarchal violence needed a quantum mechanics lizard, necessarily.  Plus, it invites a moral disgust from the reader, but I don’t think it points that disgust in the right direction, exactly (conceding that maybe wanting that to be true hinges on a fantasy in and of itself), making it a little grimmer an exercise than is my particular wavelength...  

The second one, Not Even Legend, I liked more, but I’d put it as Classic Moore-- you know, it’s got a structural conceit and it plays with space-time and so on.  It felt like one of those stories he would do for Tomorrow Stories.  I’m not sure there’s much to it besides the structural conceit, but I felt like he wanted to just explore this group of people briefly and found a way to do that, and that was what I liked about it more, especially after the Lizard one, that its ambitions were smaller and just more exploratory?   

It had the bad fortune though of just... You know, every time Moore sits down to write something, he’s starting from scratch (and not everything is a stepping stone-- Salem’s Lot may have been a stepping stone to It or the Stand but ... King didn’t just keep stepping and stepping after that, he just kept having to start from scratch).  But when we read it, we know about the Entire Rest of Moore’s Work.  If this had been the Only Alan Moore Story Like This, it’d be essential, but it’s just not that. So I think I’m an unfair reader to that extent-- I’m not looking at it with the freshest of eyes...   

Oh, and I read a Paul Tremblay short story, The Society of Monsterhood.  Tremblay’s became a Big Name in Horror, I guess, recently-- the next Shamalyan is one of his-- I’m not really sure what his deal is (and a book blurb from Chuck Wendig doesn’t encourage-- Wendig seems grotesque/laughable).  At some point, every horror book seemed to go from having a Stephen King quote on its cover to having a Tremblay quote instead, though, so I thought I’d check the guy out...

Monsterhood is sort of unsuccessful in a lot of ways.  It tries to play with structure, but it feels sort of abandoned and half-thought-out. It talks about a society of kids, but we never find out about any of them. And it’s about “the streets” but Tremblay is not convincing that he knows anything about “life on the streets” at all.  But the final image is a reasonably good one, and he kind of gets it to work-- it felt like he had a good ending and worked backwards maybe?  But a good ending is a good ending.  So I did come away from the story nodding and remaining curious about this guy-- it wasn’t a dud.  And anyways-- would you guess who Stephen King was if you only ever read Strawberry Spring?  Not a fair diagnostic, so. 

What else... I read Flannery O’Connor’s The Peeler. O’Connor-- you probably know the deal there-- a lot going on over there with Ol’ Flan. Setting aside the darker bits, I was never raised with religion so that kind of guilt, anxiety that really makes her good stuff go isn’t home base for me.  But I find it interesting to read, the atmosphere of it where it feels like something vital’s at issue even if it’s just a guy hanging out on a street.  This one, a guy’s watching this salesman get disrupted by street preachers and then follows them around until he thinks about how getting laid made him feel, or something like that.  So I guess that’s what the South is like.  Anyways-- she could write!  I don’t know.  Don’t have much to say, I guess.

I read a couple other short stories (I reread JG Ballard’s ones about Kennedy and Reagan, and read the one about the giant on the beach which I might have read before; plus, a couple chapters of Shaky Town), and started some other books (the one I want to get back to Helen Oyeyemi’s Peaces) but this has gone long.  I feel like I’m forgetting something, though... ohhhhhhhwellllll...

[stranger-nightmare]

Me who has a very set in stone type when watching shows or movies about to watch season 1 of ST: huh I bet I’m gonna be Into Jonathan, like the sad emo boy thing and he likes photography, yeah Steve seems like the asshole who changes for you. So one of them has to be it.

After season 1: hmm yeah nope none of the older kids or adults sorry hopper, guess I’m not in my loving older dad bod men era yet….weird Ah well. Season 2 time

*billy makes his entrance*

Me: THERE HE IS! THATS MY MAN oh yeah I like him. And he’s an asshole? With a sad backstory. And emotional issues oh yeah yep okay.

*season 3*

Me: god billy still has a hold on me. And still nothing for Jonathan and Steve, Robin would be a good friend. Hmm wonder why Steve and Jonathan don’t do it for me. Ah well brothers and friends are good too. And billys dead okay. So no one left alive to fantasize about. That’s fine it’s… fine

*season 4*

Me: Oh Jesus satanic panic haha…

*eddies lunch room scene*

Me: *careless whisper plays in the background as it all slow zooms in on Eddie stood doing devil horns* I found him. This is….it’s all lead to him. He’s….perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted in this show. Oh and he’s cute, and funny, and caring, he has tattoos, he…oh wow. My heart boner is so hard.

Me: *sees 001* HELLO SAILOR! Oh yeah okay this is. Eddie and this probably evil man. This is all I have ever wanted. Oh my god he he’s number 1…I think I just soaked my pants oh lord. Okay yep. This is. Perfect

And that’s the story of how I started not liking the typical men of the show. And ended up where we are now. Juries still out on argyle I need more screen time of him to get a full look.

-🎸😈

I feel you, like I was attracted to the other characters throughout the seasons, like I always thought Steve was cute but I didn’t actually like him / properly find him attractive until his character developed and it was really with season 3 that I absolutely completely fell in love with him

Nancy I didn’t really like too much either at the beginning until I got to see what a badass she is and then I was like mhmm yeah she’s hot

Robin I loved from the get-go, she’s just so hot and so cute I adore her so much

Jonathan I love to pieces but more in I want to be friends with him and protect him kinda way rather than I'd actually wanna sleep with him or anything

as soon as Billy walked onto my screen I knew I was gone be down bad, that man is unreasonably attractive it should actually be illegal, but then I saw what a dick he was so ugh, with Billy it’s kinda like the opposite of Jonathan, where I just wanna fuck him but not actually have anything else to do with him really lmaooo

and then along came Eddie and I was infatuated like I've never been before, like I just want it all from that boy, I am obsessed with him it’s unhealthy really

Argyle I just wanna hang out with like all the time, I feel like I'd never get tired of his company he’s just good vibes and I love that for him, I hope we get to see more of him

-hope

[csanflower]

Hi!! Not a question but I loved your "You drew stars around my scars" so much. It has a special place in my heart and I am emotionally attached to it hahaha reading it while listening to cardigan cause more pain in my heart lmfao my love for it is infinity, just like stars in the sky. I'm inlove with your writing, it's so cute and adorable, and ofc I loved the angst sm. It kinda reminds me of Nancy and Jonathan from st, they had a scar on the same place and they share trauma together too. It's wholesome but sad at the same time. (Damn I need ydsams Jungkook in my life, I want someone to drew a Stars around my scars tok so I won't feel insecure with it 🥹) Hopefully you'll get Taylor swift era's tour tickets!! I'm praying for it and thank you for your writing:) have a great day and sending lots of love!! <3

omg thank u so much😭😭 i never thought my writing would actually get noticed🥹🥹 this is so cute i’m gonna start writing more💗💗tysm for this ILYSM

+++ YES I GOT ERAS TOUR TIX IM SO EXCITED AHHHH

[thoughtcock]

six months later

i feel like i have learnt more about myself and have a lot of thoughts to process in the last few months since i’m gone from this little corner of the internet

i learnt how to be more comfortable being on my own. to be at peace from this strange phase of my life. the phase where im alone, not finding the next person to be distracted with (and even if i do, cutting things off or leaving things alone is how i deal with with it), not feeling as bitter and resentful about the fucked up shit that has happened to me, learning to let go of things that dont serve me anymore

u see, its so tiring being bitter about life all the time. i had a really bad depressive period when covid pretty much shut everything down. all i did were depressing stories about the government fucking up, stay cooped in my room and overthink, constantly swipe on apps in hopes to find a soul connection somewehre, cling onto horoscope predictions that i will land on a soulmate soon (lol i still do that now). being angry and impatient at everything and just wanting to skip to the next era in life already - a life where i finally get my shit together and find someone special and have my career in place where i dont feel like a content sellout for negative news all the time

but i did let the negativity get to me for quite awhile, and people around me could tell how down i was. i felt like i was being a negative nancy all the time, wondering if my moods are affecting how people perceive me. wondering if im spreading bad vibes to my house mates.

but somehow in those months, i found solace with those living with me. i never actually liked the concept of housemates, i usually just see them as taking up space that i feel are mine (even though they are communual, i just cant stand other people’s presence if i were to use those rooms at the same time), but it feels nice living with friends you care about and vice-versa. for the first time, this house that i’m living in, although i spent most of my time being a sad sack in my room, the house also allowed me to share my dark, sad thoughts to my house mates living here. and they actually listened. and asked me questions that i never thought of. gave me observations that never even crossed my mind. 

i learnt that it is actually okay for friends to be there for you, like TRULY. i dont even remember when was the last time i cried to my friends back in sg when something happened to me and i needed people to be there for me. this is the first time that i feel its okay to cry, and it doesnt feel like my friends wont know what to do or navigate things awkwardly. i realised that, for the first time in my life, that it sucks to keep things bottled up for the fear of burdening others. and in that, some of my friendships with other peopple have turned for the better too.

i am no longer okay with having my friendships consist of just shallow chats, funny inside jokes, or just reminiscing things in the past. yes, the past may have been great back then. but this is now. its ok to want and need more from people who matter to you, and i should not keep trying to repress them because i am worried they don’t know how to act around me when im become vulnerable.

it sucks because i’ve seen that happened. when i was distraught during the protests but all they could do was talk about other things to keep me distracted, when i broke up and all we did after saying what happened was play tetris. when i went back home for two weeks and i felt the disconnect when i hang out with them and all we did during the hotel in staycation was to watch vapid variety shows. it really sucks because i used to be okay with this for so many years, grateful even, for that i still have people to talk to and be distracted when im sad. but i dont want to always be distracted, i want to learn how to face myself and my feelings. and i want people to be there for me as i face it.

and that is what i did in these six months. i learnt how to embrace the void and emptiness i felt in me for so long. i read a book about what dying people wished they have learnt while they were living (courtesy of a sentimental house mate). and it really hit me like a ton of bricks. it forced me to confront a lot of uncomfortable feelings that i have not 100% processed. i had to put the book down a few times while i sob my eyes out because there were so many things related to forgiveness/patience/learning how to surrender to what life has to offer that i want to take hold of.

and i realised that it is not worth it if i let myself be resentful over a short-lasting relationship that didnt end well. i want to learn how to love authentically, to trust someone wholeheartedly again, to let go of the past. i still have so many years ahead in life, and i really feel like i will be shortchanged of my happiness if i just let myself be a depressed shit over things i cant control all the time. i refuse to let anyone or anything make feel bed bad for an extended period of time again. 

knowing this fact, i accepted life for what it is. whatever this phase this is. and i am okay with it. i am at peace with myself after what seemed like a long time in battling out my emotions. and i told my close friends here about it. and they are happy for me. and i want to use my experiences to help other people if i can.

because i am not as alone as i make myself out to be. even when so many experiences have made me feel so so alone in the past.

another great thing is that i am taking a break from meeting new men and dating apps. and i feel fine with it. i still hope for the right one to come of course, but i learnt that its best not to rush things. and then feeling sad about it when you fantasize about the “right” one and them not turning out to be right lol. it actually sets the depresso higher.... and why put that expectation on strangers who dont care much for you?? right?

[sugdenlovesdingle]

Shamelessly promoting my fic because tumblr hides it from the tags again - Sunday

thanks for the tag @nancys-braids @carlos-in-glasses @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad

(I do have an actual fic snippet that I'll post later but I wanted to use/abuse this tag first)

my part of Lire's Carlos Whump birthday extravaganza

TK's first shift back after the ice storm doesn't go according to plan

Era: newly reunited boyfriends Tags/warnings: mention of blood and injuries, mention of explosions Prompt: TK on shift, Carlos off shift

---

“Morning.” Carlos said softly, smiling to himself as he watched TK rub the sleep from his eyes. He was still getting used to the fact he got to have this again. Got to wake up next to TK again every morning.

TK turned his head to look at him and tried his best to mirror the smile despite only just having woken up.

“Morning.” He mumbled and rolled over to kiss Carlos good morning. “You didn’t have to wake up with me on your day off.”

Carlos gave a one armed shrug.

“I wanted to. It’s your first shift back after… everything.”

“It’s just a half shift.” TK argued. “Cap wants me to take it easy for a few weeks. Start slow. Nancy isn’t happy about still having to work with a temp.” He sat up and tried to hide a yawn.

Carlos thought he looked absolutely adorable. He sat up too and pushed the covers off of himself.

“Come on, you get dressed, I’ll make us some breakfast.” He pressed a quick kiss to TK’s cheek and got up.

“You don’t have to make breakfast. I’ll just grab a coffee and a pastry on the way to work.”

“TK. I want to. Let me take care of you.” He knelt on the bed next to TK. “And besides, you’re not supposed to drink caffeine while you’re still recovering.” He grinned and kissed him again before getting back up.

“I have recovered. I’m fine.” TK tried to argue but Carlos ignored him and just made his way to the kitchen to start breakfast.

---

read the rest on AO3 or here on tumblr dot com

hopefully tumblr will let this show up in the tags for a change!

Open tag + tagging:

@lemonlyman-dotcom @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @oldfangirl81 @bonheur-cafe @chicgeekgirl89

@welcometololaland @your-catfish-friend

[5starcinema]

What would you say to a Raymond Chandler-style murder mystery set in 1920s Germany that stars Volker Bruch (a subtle genetic blend of a Young Dennis Hopper and Montgomery Clift) as a PTSD-addled cop, and cute little Lisa Fries as a Weimar-era Nancy Drew? And done on a budget that would embarrass all of Hollywood combined, and crafted with attention to absurd, gorgeous detail that makes Wes Anderson seem carefree. 

Hold that notion for a moment.

Babylon Berlin’s noir-infused narrative crawls alongside Germany’s rise to power, which we’ve seen in various productions dozens of times. But rather than stern drama, it’s instead a massive-scale fantasia (the most expensive television production in history) that employs the tropes and features of musicals, surrealism, police procedural, occult mystery, and cliffhanger serials. 

Whole episodes seem at times solely devoted to offering brief devotions on the topics of architecture, psychoanalysis, fanaticism, Jugendstil Art Deco, surrealism, or cinema itself. But it’s all done as a delirious (if grim) visual tour, as opposed to a lecture.

I’m not doing the series justice here. Bear in mind that this is a Tom Tykwer project, and it revisits the imaginative, perverse energy of his Run Lola Run and Winter Sleepers work. It gets weirder and broader than all that, by far. 

The aesthetic and vibe bring to mind Werner Herzog re-doing the entire “Avengers” British television series of the 1960s as a tribute to Fritz Lang and Neitzsche, or Paul Thomas Anderson reimagining Cabaret as one big episode of “Law & Order.”

It should be seen on a huge HD screen. Just wait until you get a load of the Hermann Platz and Rosenthaler Platz U-Bahn stations, or the Rotes Rathaus city hall on Alexanderplatz. It’s almost like the very sets and structures are characters in this bizarre, heartbreaking story. 

Thanks to this series, I’ve had Roxy Music’s “Dance Away” in my head for the past few weeks. No, not the version we all grew up with. I mean the jazz age, klezmer-esque, Kurt Weill-ish version that—with a kind of reverse hauntology—woozily snakes its way through this mesmerizing, almost indescribable tale.

That song is about escaping the heartache of betrayal by getting lost in a pleasant diversion, to the point of obsession. That’s how romance and dating turn out sometimes. Babylon Berlin is about escaping betrayal and heartache because, well, that’s how history and culture turn out sometimes. 

In 1920s Berlin, the dancing, along with numerous other diversions that are as perverse, frenetic, dark, and addictive as they want to be, take place in clubs and bars and brothels. Other folks are dancing in the streets, so to speak, in brutal clashes between numerous, barely distinguishable factions of Communists, Social Democrats, and the Berliner Polizist cops. There’s also a group of Trotskyites who can’t catch a break, and countless dual loyalties among Right and Left wings complicating the internecine fights that plague each political group. (Yes, the series does call for a Weimar politics flow chart at times.) 

Most intriguing is that there’s hardly a Nazi to be found in the mix, unless you count the occasional dust-up with a few dozen Sturmabteilung bullies (those clumsy lads in sad, military-surplus brown shirts and little red arm bands).

There does seem to be a larger, more organized group waiting in the wings. Bunch of resentful holdovers from the First World War. Old, humorless guys in quite striking forest-green felduniform. Sure, it’s an army, but everyone in Germany in 1928 knows there aren’t going to be any more wars; that’s verrückt talk.

Speaking of crazy, the series has the main character’s mental illness, in the form of post-traumatic stress, function as a metaphor for the Weimar zeitgeist. It might seem like a facile reduction, especially if it were done in service to the notion that the cure is worse than the illness. But something else happens. 

The close study of multiple characters in this series suggests that history may not always be guided by x-number of people getting swept up by something larger than themselves. Or by a mad leader. Yes, a lot of folks march, shout, and fight in unison. But in this realm, major social changes are catalyzed by discrete (and often discreet), traumatic, life-altering personal histories that, solely by accident of geographical proximity, coalesce into what we would call a movement or a cause.

The world did witness the worst possible manifestations of “the madness of crowds” with what followed in Germany during the 1930s. But a deeper examination of what’s known as “the human experience” might reveal that each German was crazy alone before all of them were crazy together.

[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

Jan/Feb 2021 Picks

HELLO! It’s been a while, but I’M BACK!! Life has gotten a lot busier as I started Grad School this January. So, I feel it may be tough being on time with future Monthly Wraps like I’ve done in the past with working on my MFA, and my job. I’m going to probably do more seasonal wrap ups when I get the time. I also think I’ll be posting more individual posts as I watch an episode. Because even with a busier schedule, there is always time for TV and there’s so much I want to talk about!

You know the drill. Spoilers are coming.....

You’ve been warned :)

WANDAVISION

I want to start off by mentioning that I have not watched this week’s episode yet. So the last one I saw was EPISODE  6 with Halloween in the late 90s/early 2000s.

THIS SHOW! OMG.

I didn’t know what I was signing up for when I watched the first episode and I have been blown away. It is such a cool concept and I love the fact that everyone who watches it is confused. There have been so many interesting theories out there and I am so curious what is going to wind up being true. I love all the nods to old sitcoms and TV shows as well as all the MCU Easter Eggs. (I mean they got X-men’s Quicksilver-like WOW.) It feels really Black Mirror at times with the breaking of the fourth wall. I will never be able to shake the feeling I got in Episode 3, when Vision reversed. (And then I saw a bunch of videos with him looking at the camera as Wanda looks at the TV. Eww I don’t like it, but it’s such a good move on their point.) I love the outside plot as well and the characters who were previously side characters in other MARVEL movies. The love for Jimmy Woo is astounding and I’m here for it. I’m glad it’s Friday, so I can watch the next episode. I’m just upset that we’re so close to the show ending. The next Disney Plus Marvel shows better be just as good. Wandavision set the bar high.  

NANCY DREW

If you’ve visited this page recently, you know I have a very strong love for this show. It is the only one I am still watching religiously on the CW and I am tuning in the night it airs. (That is HUGE for me.) IT IS JUST SO GOOD AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START....

2x05 just aired, which would have been the season 1 finale before COVID and I have it saved on my DVR to watch again. There’s just so much I want to relive and catch that I missed the first watch through. It would have been SUCH A GOOD FINALE, but I’m happy that we can continue with new episodes starting next week. And with the way it ended...there’s so much I need to know!! I’m just curious how fast they’re going to develop certain plots. I love the Drew Crew and how they are a family. Each character is so well developed and their chemistry is great. I love learning more about each of them and watching them develop. My favorite character is definitely Ace. I love all his witty lines and how he is opening up more to the group as well as to us, the audience, as we get more of a look into his personal life. I enjoy all of his scenes with his dad and specifically liked when they were celebrating Shabbat. (I am also here for the Nancy and Ace content. I gush more about this on my other blog: lydia-whogowith-stiles. Check it out if you want to hear more.)

THE WATCH

When I watched the Christmas special (or was it New Years? and why does that feel so long ago) of Doctor Who, BBC America kept advertising a new show called the Watch. Due to the extensive amount of commercials, I decided to tape the first two episodes (which premiered back to back) to see what it was all about. I was unaware that this series is based on the book series created by Terry Pratchett. When I came to see if people were talking about it on Tumblr, I saw that a lot of people didn’t like it because of how drastically different it was. As I was unfamiliar with the original, I can’t compare. The TV show was eight episodes and I just watched the last one that aired this past Sunday. I definitely liked the first half of the season more (I noticed my mind start to drift as I watched later ones), but thought the finale was good. I really enjoyed how they incorporated the theme song. I didn’t realize the connection earlier and now can’t stop humming it. (I don’t know if there will be another season or not.) I enjoyed the characters and how it was like nothing I’ve seen on TV before. It got me thinking a lot about blending genres. I would still recommend checking it out.  

ZOEY’S EXTRORDINARY PLAYLIST

I was VERY excited for this show to come back. I loved the first season so much. It’s just such a heartfelt show and it helped me survive the early parts of quarantine. So far, this season I am noticing how detailed the musical performances are. Mandy Moore is doing an AMAZING job. The choreography is *chefs kiss* I also feel like the song choices have been great and not always the ones I think that would be picked. We are getting to learn more about each character and watch Zoey and her family as they continue life after losing Mitch. I am here for Mo and Max’s restaurant. I think the concept would be so cool in real life. Who knows maybe we’ll see one now. (Max’s rendition of ‘Numb’ was amazing. I’ve never heard the song like that and I think it might be one of my favorites of the season so far.) I hope Max and Zoey get back together by the end of the season. It did feel fast, so I do understand why they had to break up, but it still makes me sad that we watched them get together and then it was taken away from us. The last episode before the break was so powerful and I think the show did an amazing job applying real world issues into their plot. It did not feel forced at all and brought so much awareness. Upset we have to wait so long for a new episode. 

SECRETS OF SULPHUR SPRINGS

Are you looking for a good mystery, but don’t think Disney Channel can provide it? Think again. I have to say, when I started watching I was not expecting this show to be a part of my monthly picks. It pleasantly surprised me. The show involves the mystery of a young girl, Savannah, who went mysteriously missing at camp back in the 90s. Apparently, her ghost still haunts the hotel that was on the camp grounds to this day. Then Griffin and his family buy the hotel with intent of fixing it up and reopening it after all these years. The people in the town think they’re crazy because of its past. But there’s something more going on with Griffin’s dad as well as some of the other adults in the town. They know something about Savannah’s disappearance, but aren’t saying anything about it. While this is a kid’s show (and only half hour episodes) it has been interesting to see where the story will go. I’m sure I am imagining much more intense things for her disappearance than what actually happened. It’s also not super cheesy or have bad acting, which is refreshing. (I really feel Disney Channel has gone down.) Either way, I don’t know how many episodes are left to air, but I think we’re pretty close to the end. If you’re looking for a quick, entertaining mystery I would highly recommend.  

MISS SCARLET AND THE DUKE

And here come my period pieces (ironically both from Masterpiece/PBS this time). I know last year I felt like I watched a lot of historical watches at the beginning of the year. We’ll see if that continues to happen this year too. It does serve as a nice escape. Plus, these are some really good stories. 

Miss Scarlet and the Duke is a part of Masterpiece Mystery on PBS, although it aired on a different network in the UK. It is (another) mystery series (shocking I know with that title!) It follows Eliza Scarlet who has a nose for mystery, but as a woman living in the Victorian era does not have any rights except for being a wife and mother (two things she would rather not be). When her father dies (apparently from a heart attack...emphasis on apparently), she takes over his Private Investigator business. Much to the dismay of long time family friend William “The Duke” who is a Detective Inspector for Scotland Yard. Eliza is often in his office as she gets arrested for being places she shouldn’t or trying to get information out of him. This element of Eliza having to work in a very male dominated Victorian society is one that I feel I haven’t really seen on a TV show. I really like her dynamic with William. There’s always that feeling of “will they won’t they,” but I don’t feel the show just focuses on that. The mystery is the heart of it all. This last week’s episode was REALLY GOOD. As we got to find out more regarding her father’s death. I hear a lot of people want a season 2 and I am right there with them. This show deserves it. 

ALL CREATURES GREAT AND SMALL

Another PBS Masterpiece watch. I love this show, so much more than I was anticipating. It is so heartfelt and makes me so happy and in a good mood after watching it. It follows James Herriot who has recently graduated from veterinary school, but is struggling finding a job. Then he gets a call from Siegfried Farnon’s veterinary practice in Yorkshire. Siegfried is known for having a harsh demeanor and temper, so the assistants he hires don’t often last long. Spoiler alert, that should be pretty obvious, James does. The cast of characters are so lovely and I like all their relationships with one another. The show takes places in the 1930s and I realized I don’t often watch things in this era, so that has been fun to explore. The sets and locations are BEAUTIFUL. In the episodes, we often get these amazing shots that sweep over the exterior and I want to travel to Yorkshire like tomorrow. (See more escapism, it’s great.) The main plot follows everyone interact in the town and watching James become a more confident and experienced veterinarian (which I decided I could never do after watching). I heard that it has been renewed for a second season so that is so fantastic. 

FATE: THE WINX SAGA

The first things I heard about this show was how disappointed everyone was in how they decided to adapt the Winx Club show from their childhood. On this I can agree, but I decided to watch the show anyway. I pretended that it was something new entirely and I have to say I enjoyed it. Of course, there were parts that bothered me and then I had to remember it was a teen show, so angst would be annoying. I think overall it was too short (and should have at least 8 or 10 episodes), but I’m happy that they were able to conclude the main plot well. (Although we did get that cliffhanger, but it is exciting that it was released the show just got renewed for a second season the other day.) I really liked Silva-mainly because it was great seeing Thomas from Downton Abbey in something else. I also enjoyed seeing Jacob Duchman in more things. It was a surprise to see him in Medici and I am just happy he is adding more to his IMDB. 

Quick and addicting watch. Add it to your queue. Just forget it’s supposed to be based on something else. 

BLOWN AWAY SEASON 2

Continuing with the Netflix picks, one of my FAVORITE picks from 2020 got a season 2 and it is already on Netflix! That’s right Blown Away season 2 is now available. I seriously loved the first season of this show SO MUCH! Glass blowing is such a magical process and I am mesmerized every time I watch it. It felt weird starting this show with all new contestants, but then Alex came back as a guest judge and I was so happy. It is just as addicting and I cannot wait to see who wins this season. I am just trying not to rush the episodes. 

VIOLETTA SEASON 3 UPDATE

I know you were all dying to know...

After taking a hiatus from watching during the holidays, I have gotten back into watching the Disney Channel telenovela on Disney Plus. I am now on episode 68. Things are really starting to happen and I am finding myself getting sucked in again, which makes me happy. Episode 60 (pictured above) had A LOT happen and really was a turning point for the second half of the show. Can’t wait to keep watching. Some really awesome songs from these last set of episodes. 

AND NOW FOR MY NOT LOVING IT PICK:

LEGACIES

This third season has really disappointed me so far. As I’ve previously discussed on this page, it feels like they are just reusing previous plots from the last two seasons when there is so much more they can do. There was so much promise for this show and I loved the Vampire Diaries and Originals so much, that it’s sad to see Legacies miss the mark. I wish they gave Hope more storylines that didn’t revolve around Landon. She is such a strong character and is SO POWERFUL. This is something we rarely see and it shouldn’t only be shown to save a guy (multiple times). Their couple plot is continually doing the same thing. I want to see a lot more development with this show over this season to keep me watching. I am actually happy that there isn’t a new episode until March 11th. (That’s saying something...) 

[moonrainbowfish]

|Mini Matchups 🍨|

HP (Marauders Era if possible) & ST

I’m a pretty short female, she/her, unlabeled for sexuality but I’m attracted to all genders/orientations (I just don’t like labels), long poofy dark brown hair, socially anxious, extremely insecure about everything, very chaotic, unorganized but control freak, in touch but out of control with my emotions, wayyy too empathetic for my own good, and I love doing anything creative or sciency!

please and ty💕💕💕💕

For Harry Potter I ship you with:

Sirius Black!

He would constantly tease you about your short height, without taking it too far. But really, he does love your brown hair! You're the most gorgeous person he's ever seen! He's going to love your chaotic energy and he loves to joke around with you. He's protective of you and likes to hold you close.

For Stranger Things I ship you with:

Nancy Wheeler!

It makes her a little sad, that you're insecure about yourself. In her eyes you are perfect and she will constantly remind you how beautiful you are and that you are way stronger than you think! Nancy loves your empathetic nature and likes hearing you talk about your interests.

[andvys]

I just realised I haven't gushed to you about part 8 yet!

Holy smokes, the angst feels like it peaks every chapter then you keep raising the bar 🥺 Steve's in particular this chapter was palpable.

It's like they've each been at a different stage of this breakup in any given moment. She's begun the breakup in devastation/despair and has moved to a place more of acceptance and forgiveness. Not that she's moving on, just kinda preparing to live with it.

Whereas Steve feels like he started off with confusion and distraction, and is only now just coming into his own devastation era. Especially towards the end of the chapter. It's gutting. I was never a Steve girl, even before season 4 and Eddie, and now I'm very confused!

They're on such different wave lengths throughout this chapter, as well as the whole story. the hope Steve has at the beginning vs her 'defeat to Nancy' and how resigned she is. The miscommunication in the 'why Nancy?' conversation, when she's thinking he has too many reasons to say why, and he's thinking that it should never have been anyone else. And them going to the party, the pain vs happiness with the hand holding. Steve still hopeful and R is preparing to let him go. It's just so sad 😭 it's reminding me of 500 days of summer, when Summer invites Tom to a party and it's expectation vs reality all being played out to a Regina Spektor song 💔 He's such an A* dumbass for having his head turned and thinking he needed to make R prove her feelings by flirting and straying away.

I'd love to see a chapter as Steve figures his relationship with Nancy out after this, especially after the dinner with R and his parents. There was a lot of internal questioning on R's side on how his parents are with Nancy compared to R, it'd be nice for us to see the difference, and also how Steve is with Nancy in private. Steve realising at some point that suddenly declaring he'll leave Nancy and go straight back to R isn't the answer, him needing to break up with Nancy but maybe work on himself first. Maybe more Steve and Eddie conversation. Their scene together was one of my favourite parts.

But for real, that final conversation was tragic. I could see it being played out like a movie in my head. His crying more as she steps away from him. Just sweep me up off the floor, I'm shattered 💔 I'm already imagining their make up sex further down the line and it'll be intense

Final thought - please don't have him lose his memory? It's such a cute idea, but he's gonna have done too good a job at fixing himself and them by the end of this, for him to just not remember it. I think it'd take away a lot of the emotional growth.

But I loved this chapter as usual and how it devastated me, such a glutton for punishment 🖤

hi!!! i’m so happy you liked it! 🥹 the angst was so fun to write, I put all my sad emotions into this one 😂

There really is so much miscommunication between them! Steve never talked about his true feelings and emotions, he always hid them because he struggled to let them all in and to talk about them and this cost him a lot, even in the recent chapter. If he approached the topic of his love for her differently, he may didn’t have to let her go but he struggled, again.

He definitely needs some time alone, just like reader needs some time to herself. They aren’t ready for new or old relationships right now.

More Steve and Eddie? Hmm maybe they should become friends somehow 👀

And omg, the makeup sex in the future will really be intense and emotional and I’m so excited to get to that chapter haha

He won’t lose his memories! I’m just playing with a lot of ideas and possibilities but I don’t want to take this route! It would definitely take away the emotional growth!

Thank you for your feedback, I’m always excited for them! 🥰

[cleololax]

Bubbles | A

Ghost!Jimin x MourningFiance!Reader 

AN: My first story post and it’s really really angsty so buckle up, buttercups (and don’t be stingy with the tissues T-T). Inspired by the RUN era because it was my first debut with them and it’s still my favorite.  

Warnings: Death of a loved one, mourning, intense grief and pain 

                              _______________________________

      You normally hate taking baths, preferring to get that tedious part of your routine over with. So you really don’t know what compels you today out of all of them, or so you tell yourself. The bathroom is small and quaint, quiet besides the sound of your jeans and the front button hitting the ground. The cold floor is covered in checkered tiles and light lavender walls. It was decorated long ago to fit your taste when you moved in, still single and excited to get your first place. It is fairly girly yet he had oddly loved it in here. The white tub is situated in the middle of the room, giving it that Parisian chateau feeling. You turn the gold faucet, unleashing the warm rushing water to fill the tub up to the brim. The bath soap is on top of the sink counter, ready to slide down any minute before you quickly grab it. The pink gel is squeezed into the water in a little stream that you are entranced by. Little wisps form before they disappear, leaving white froth in their midst. You slowly drop your undergarments and hastily twist your hair into a messy bun. You test it in the mirror, bobbing your head around in front of the small mirror to make sure that it stays. Your reflection looks back at you, but a much different one than you remember. It turns out that the lack of sleep has gotten to you, shading the space under your eyes a darker purple than before. Getting away with two hours of sleep every night consecutively can never work out and deep down you know that. Still, it angers you that you are,  once again, no exception to a rule. Not wanting to see the sight anymore, you turn around and make your way to the tub. The water is warm and you go down slowly, not wanting to let the water escape. Your body soon gets enveloped and your nerves relax as the warm water does it’s magic. The towel behind you offers your head comfort as you lean back from your sitting position. Nancy, the therapist that has been seeing you since you moved to the city,  had been right when she had proposed the idea of you doing this a couple times a week as a form of meditation. You mentally remind yourself to thank her later on. The plethora of bubbles surround you, creating a sea of iridescence so pretty it makes you want to cry and you would, if your eyes weren’t already swollen and dry. The little light above you makes them brilliantly shine and for a moment, you are lost to the sight. Nothing else matters outside of your little world. This sparks pleasant memories in your head. There is that time the two of you had a water fight, sloshing water back and forth, getting your clothes soaking wet.You had laughed all night and even after as you put the clothes in the noisy dryer. It isn’t enough, never enough. These memories won’t bring him back to you, no matter how hard you wish. They won’t provide you warmth on those rainy nights when he isn’t there, but there is a hope that they’ll keep the darker thoughts away. The scent fills the room with the sweet tinge of honey and roses, a great contrast to the bitterness that is settling in your heart when you think of how unfair life is. No, you never are the exception.  He was going to be a dancer on the Broadway stage and you’ll never get to watch his gracefulness, a determined look on his face as he lets the music take over. He’ll think he has forever to climb his way to the top, but it’ll be ripped from him. Your eyes momentarily close, trying to shut out all of the thoughts racing in your head. The ones that keep you from joining the living around you.You have to be calm because that is the whole point, after all. To relax and to find a new way of coping besides the self destructive path you have been treading on.  When you feel yourself getting lighter, a voice cuts in. A faint one at first, but slowly growing. Like when you’re asleep and it is all muffled. It is a voice you recognize, one that had said silky ‘I love yous’ not so long ago. The blood in your veins seems to catch on because it grows cold, all too quickly. It couldn’t be. Your mind has to be imagining it. It isn’t real, can’t be. And you wonder how your senses can play their mean tricks on you, taunt you in a way similar to a knife twisting through the heart. You are slowly losing your sanity and it’s not the way you want to go. Your eyes are still shut, hoping that you can take yourself out of here, imagine yourself elsewhere. It isn’t until you feel the water by your feet move that you gain the guts to open your eyes wide. It’s your name said aloud this time, and you figure out that it’s coming from the door. Not from somewhere, but from someone. The person you thought you’d never see again is suddenly leaning on the door, his arms crossed before him. You hesitantly look into his face, no longer met with the pale shade it had been the last time you saw him. His lips are no longer blue, but the plush pink you have always been jealous of. He has an amused grin on his face, his eyes trying to read your expression. He was always frustratingly good at it, making it impossible for you to hide the feelings you hadn’t wanted him to see. Your eyes are probably still the size of saucers and your jaw still open wide. Breathe you tell yourself, just breathe. He isn’t real. Why did he look so real, then? “It’s nice to see you too, love” he slowly speaks out. Those words seem to snap you out of your trance and confusion. Your heart still beats the same rhythm, maybe recognizing the person it still belongs to. And all of a sudden, the anger bubbles up from somewhere. He comes towards you. 

“Ah-ah, I have only a little bit of time. Let’s make it count.” You are still shocked, fingers digging into the palms of your hand. He comes to sit on the edge of the tub. 

“After all those times of begging you to come take a bath with me, you finally do it after I’m gone. I’m hurt, Y/N.” 

     He jokes and it makes you remember all those times he had pouted and whined for you to join him, but you never wanted to. You should have because you wouldn’t have regretted it like you do now. His fingers glide through the warm water, occasionally popping some bubbles. Then, you feel the warm anger that creeps up your neck. How could he be joking right now, of all times?

    Three months of loneliness and emptiness make your mouth feel dry and it’s hard to speak. He always tried to lighten the mood  and it drove you wild, especially now.  

“Really? You’re here and it’s the first thing you do is... laugh? You fucking bastard.“ Everything is a blur and you don’t know how you’re there on the rim of the tumb, hands pounding on his chest, water soshing around you.

“I haven’t washed your stuff, I keep your keys on the counter the way you left them. Everything is as you left it!” Even me. The words tumble out, even if they’ve swirled around in your mind, ontoletters that your therapist advised you to write. Warm hands catch a hold of your wrists.

“Y?N I-” Regret is laced in his tone and the red tinges on your vision disappear as soon as they appeared. 

“No, no don’t say anything.” your body deflates. You lean your forehead on his thighs. The energy you stored is gone, all gone. After some time, you regain your senses.

“How are you here, right now? Are you really here, or have those pills finally screwed with my mind?” You try to not let your voice crack, and instead let a sad smile take its place. You’d rather a sad one than none at all.  He looks at you then, his earlier humor gone. 

“You were thinking of me again weren’t you? I couldn’t be here if you weren’t. I’m so sorry, love.” 

     He reaches out to touch your hand, lovingly, like he has so many times before. You have to imagine that the warmth is still there. You look up at him. A beautiful sight he was, is, to behold. Even in death he has remained beautiful. A pure angel with the sparkle in his deep chocolate brown eyes and his orange hair, glistening under the artificial lighting. It looks exactly like the first night he had come home with it, surprising you. You want to remember it, him like this, for the rest of your life. You suddenly forget how to breathe. You got that very word tattooed one night on your bicep with him by your side, and you still can’t even remember to do it. He notices the way you look at him suddenly.

 “I miss you, Jiminie.” 

 “And me you. Always and always.” 

As if reading the swelling of emotions in your eyes, he silently adds, “It’ll get easier, I promise. “ He reassures you with a smile. “Should I join you?” he asks. 

You follow his hand to where it meets the hem of his white shirt. You frantically reach out to stop him. You don’t want him to take it off if it means that those markings will be visible, taunting you. Reminding you that they could have been prevented if only you hadn’t been too late.

 “It wasn’t your fault. I was the stupid one. I should have listened to you and just stayed home.” 

All of a sudden he gets into the tub, across from you. You need to be there, close to him, so you cross the space and bubbles and time and  he opens up his arms wide.  

“I should have been there, when you were calling out my name.” The tears slowly trickle down, dropping. The saltiness is hard to swallow. You snuggle closer. 

“The doctor told you, I’m guessing. All that matters is that you’re here now.” 

Jimin kisses the top of your head, missing the strawberry scented shampoo. 

“Marnie still sniffs by the door, ya know. Always around the time you used to take her for her walks”, you say quietly. You toil with his silver necklace, tracing his collarbones and beauty mark as you hear his steady  breathing. 

“My two favorite girls. But I need you to stop taking the pills, Y/N. They’re ruining you. I don’t want you to join me sooner than you have to. I’ll wait.” 

“They help me, though. With everything. The numbing helps me get through the day, Minnie.”

“Well, stop. Find the passion you had for living again, Y/N. Get one of those canvases and start painting again in the morning, go out and plant something weird. I know you can do it, baby. Nothing could ever stop me from seeing you, but I won’t do it if it makes everything worse. Promise me.” 

“I promise,” you faintly sigh. 

     You can’t imagine him not visiting you anymore. You haven’t realized it until today when the hunger to have him here hung over you. Time lapses together in that small room. You’re listening to his heartbeat or you imagine that you do. He hums by your ear. Your need to close your eyes has never been more strong in that moment. Just one little action could keep him in your embrace forever. Of course, he probably wouldn’t let you keep your head under for too long. “I have to go.”Take me with you.Those whispered words bring back reality. Jimin kisses the top of your head and gently tugs your arms off of him so he can get up. You’re on your knees, the bottom of the tub feeling rougher on your soggy skin. He sees the frown on your face and sits on the rim again. 

“I’ll come back. This isn’t the last time. I’ll do anything to make sure I see your beautiful face again.”

“You promise?” 

“I promise.” 

     The hand that’s in the tub picks up a handful of pink bubbles and he blows it your way with a kiss. He winks and it seems like the charm hasn’t left him either. He murmurs the words “I love you” that make your shoulders visibly relax. You have wanted to hear those words.  You’ve imagined them on your way to work, to the store, in your sleep. However nothing could beat the real thing. In the blink of an eye, the magic that the room held is gone with him. The pink bubbles don’t quite hold their shine or their scent, each one eventually popping. With a fluffy towel wrapped around you, you decide that it’s time to go to bed. Before you turn the knob, a little message appears on the fogged up mirror. This time and for the first time in a long time, a genuine smile graces your lips. In his neat handwriting, the words “my butterfly” linger, until the steam disappears and the water droplets travel down, making the text unrecognizable.