#to the point im really disillusioned. not to mention a huge hurdle will probably be explaining one of the few parts of my body i like is
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#on the verge of tears searching for resources on getting a hysterectomy/bilateral salpingo oophorectomy bc like#i wanna ask a dr about getting that esp while im on my parents insurance still#but mostly for gender affirming reason#and im not a guy so i dont. think theyll believe me or let me#so im probably gonna be too scared to ask and never get this done and be stuck w it#idk.. i hate this. i hate knowing what i wish my body would be like and that it will never be possible and steps i can take to get closer#to how i wanna be are almost definitely going to be denied plus from my research phalloplasty just has too many risks#to the point im really disillusioned. not to mention a huge hurdle will probably be explaining one of the few parts of my body i like is#traditionally feminine so i want to keep that but not other things idk#im expecting not to be listened to and to be stuck with just a plethora of things that god now im crying idek how to explain myself#but i need to ask bc ill never have good insurance again plus i. dont want to freak out and hurt myself bc i hate my body.#god knows ive fantasized about it. fuck. fuck. i hate myself i hate this fucking world.#i get hopeful and then i get terrified and refuse to attempt anything bc im scared of getting disappointed#so i just fuck myself over. but i also feel like this isnt an irrational fear. idk idk. idk. fuck.
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