#so i just fuck myself over. but i also feel like this isnt an irrational fear. idk idk. idk. fuck.

[yakisabajanai]

,,,

[compassionatereminders]

Venting;

my bf refuses to let me say that i’m fucking sad bc i hardly have a social circle and i struggle to make friends. he always fucking rebuttals it with “well, you have me, you have [roommate friend], you have [friend], you have [lists people i don’t consider friends]” which is like fucking not the point! “quality over quantity” he says LIKE THE QUALITY ISNT MY WHOLE FUCKING POINT AND WHY I FEEL SO ALONE. i feel lonely! i can’t talk to anyone about hardly anything when it comes to my partner either because they’re all friends with each other. anytime i make a new acquaintance either my partner or my roommate become better friends with them than me.

i text and talk to people constantly to hang out and rarely get replies or invited back. these same people will spam my roommate with facetimes and hang out invites and my partner just tells me i have to “actually try” to make people treat me that way. Which feels like he’s insinuating i don’t fucking try? but when i say “hey, i feel that you’re suggesting that i don’t try— or that i’m having a pity party— when all i need is for you to be kind and empathize with my feelings, which you don’t have to do by saying i’m 100% right about i’m feeling!” then that’s immediately thrown back in my face. my partner says i’m just being “[my name]” about it, and it hurts.

most recently one of those people that i introduced my roommate too and then promptly lost as a friend despite trying to hang out with her numerous times was having a superbowl party. my bf was invited and my roommate was invited. i was not. when i expressed i was not invited, my bf argued that this friend actually HAD invited me, but i was zoned out at the time (during class!!!) and didn’t listen. i never received a text from her, i never received any more details from her, nothing. literally just my bf saying she’s invited me more than once, but NEVER DIRECTLY TO ME.

but apparently i’m fucking crazy to suggest that i didn’t feel genuinely invited and therefore didn’t want to go unless i was explicitly told by her she’d like me to be there! i texted her the night of and she said i “could come if i wanted to” but at the time of the super bowl she was out of the house with a friend. my partner and my roommate were both invited not just to her watch party but to other people’s watch parties. i was only “””invited””” to hers, and even then am i that fucking crazy for not feeling like it was a real invite?? when my whole problem is that my entire social circle is based around my bf and roommate no matter how i try to make my own friends and i don’t get invited to hang out unless i make the plan first?

it’s just so fucking upsetting that i’m this giant fucking loser and every time i get emotional about it my partner insinuates i have to stop “being [myself] about it” and “be proactive.” he’s neurotypical and i’m not and this often is a difference that’s hard for us to navigate when it comes to talking abt social shit.

but this is actually driving me so batshit upset right now and i’m venting to you because once again i literally have 0 friends that i can talk to that aren’t also friends with my boyfriend. i also do not have friends that are awesome about talking about emotions in depth, which is something that’s really important to me in a friendship. i can’t confide how i’m feeling with most of the people my bf would define for me as “friends” bc they’re not friends to me!

i can go to a friend and trust them with my baggage and change without worrying who it’s going to hurt or how they’re going to judge me for it. i can go to a friend with trivial shit and they’re still up in arms to support how i’m feeling, even if they’re also telling me i’m being irrational! i have friends in my home state (6 hours away from my college here) that are amazing at listening to me without judging me and still giving me reality checks. i don’t need or want a person who just says i’m right all the time, but i do need someone who can feel my feelings with me and actually talk about them if that makes any freaking sense.

it’s also hard bc i started college and went through some extremely traumatic experiences right off the bat which continued through my sophomore year. it led to a ton of bullying within my relatively small major. to the point that random girls came up to me at a party & asked if i was [my first & last name]” and when i said yes they laughed and walked away. to the point that i was in a group with a random girl from our major and she said “to be honest, i’m surprised how nice you are. i didn’t wanna say anything but i’ve heard a lot about you.” despite us having zero mutual friends!

i already dealt with a lot of mental health issues prior to all of this, which ended up fueling my severe social anxiety and a constant nagging fear that people already know who i am and hate me. i know it’s not true, and i’m working super hard on it. i’m a junior now and for the first time since college started i introduced myself to someone new and they’ve actually been a wonderful friend. i’ve started talking to people in class around me again. i’m trying so freaking hard to be normal again.

the tldr of it is i’m so lonely here and i’m so upset that i can’t express how i feel about social interaction and how much i miss the person i was (and i’m trying to be again) to my partner without feeling belittled. then i’m getting angry bc of the cycle and i hate being angry at him. then i try to explain what i’m trying to get out of these conversations and that i do understand not having friends is ultimately my fault, but i just wanna hear that its okay to mourn and feel weird about it all. i hate that i can’t talk to him. i hate that i don’t have my best friends here, or even close enough to see anymore. i feel like i’m a horrible person all of the time and i can’t stop fearing that i really am just a horrible bad person. i’m so stuck and yet i’m trying as hard as i can right now. i love him so much and hearing him basically say my feelings are wrong and i’m not trying hard enough hurts SO. FUCKING. BAD. but maybe i am being crazy or too stubborn, and i don’t even know.

and yes. i am therapy-shopping rn. but i just needed this off my chest bc i’ve been stewing in it for weeks and i’m so exhausted of blowing up and arguing over this dumb thing. i just need someone to hear me i guess.

thanks for reading this if you do. i really appreciate your blog & how safe it is for me. i feel less alone seeing your responses to asks/vents like this one. so thank you, truly.

No I'm with you on this one like yeah, there ARE ways to respectfully question your conclusions, but completely dismissing and invalidating your experiences and emotions is just not the way to do that. You have a right to your emotions, and even if some of your conclusions might not necessarily fit into their experience of the situation, you still have a right to your own experience, and you still deserve comfort and support from the people who are supposed to be your friends and partners. Like of course you're feeling lonely if no one is willing to take your struggles seriously enough to actually support you through them

[gayspock]

yeh last one

my honest truth is i have never gone back on a thought ive had during whatever the fuck you want to call my little Moments as it were. like ive never had a screaming, crying, throw-up fit about how much i really need to hurt myself and looked back on it and thought i dont any more or regretted feeling like that. idk. embarrassment over the fact i might , when lucid enough to do so, end up going on a little whinge on here (ironically as iam now). cuz god shut up. but i dont rlly take any of that shit back ever. like i can carry that certtainty fucking with me that nothing ive ever been upset over has been something ivve come to think otherwiseon. and idk idk i say this bc idk. something something. i think abt how so often its like yeppp its a mental breakdown, but fucking is it. like is it actually. is it ever. am i irrational. i feel like the only ways in which its truly irrational isthinking it mattered enough to get that worked up in the first place like its ever going to mean something or going to be different . io genuinely wonder how many hours ive spent of my life just spiralling how its never meant anything how it keeps just getting worse how its never going to matter how much it hurts to anyone at all but me, really, how amny times have i been to the brink or tried really hard or done any number of fucking things and its never made a single difference not even slightyl for so so long. and the only thing there is between that and this is jsut pushing it forward to tomorrow and it sitll doesnt help im still not like a fucking person or whatever . i ts just been non fucking stop it never fucking stops no matter what i do or try or how long i do something or try something and people wont even believe it . youre not doing it enough youre not trying enough and you keep on doing it you keep on but more and more doors shut inyourface and you still can neverjust find anything . anything at all. not a single fucking thing even for once and youre not astrong fucking person or whatever i dont fucking know you just want to curl up and die like why do i keep doing this what difference is it ever going to make where am i going im going nowhere and who for who fucking for for ME i dont tink ive ever been worth it to anyone and certainly not to myself and even if it was i cant get anywhere and i dont think i mean anything and i dont know i keep thinking would it happen if like even/ for second to have something thats worth it for a second like o if i wasnt entirely alone if it was real if something jst. it doesnt even have to be a passion ro an interest just something that isnt fucking nothing butif you had that you wouldnt be here in the first place . thats the conceit of it. im not fucking depressed im not fucking clinically unwell im jsut a fucking useless piece of shit and no i cannot fucking cope with that its fucking horrible theres nothing and i cant manage it i cant manage being alone every wakinghour of my life i cant imagine feeling so isolated and alienated and doing things on my own i cant manage the constant fucking failures and inadequacy i cant

and i think . respectfully its fucking reasonable to want to killmyself because why why why the fuck would i want to be alive thats not a fucking chemical imbalance wat is the fucking point and theres nothing you can fucking Say to unfuck that thats the natural fucking rejection that respectfully everyone else can also fcking understand because god knows i dont know i dont know whats wrong with me or why i just cant do enough to do anything i dont fucking know i dont know why im never enough for anythingand . and what ma i trying oto prove and i dont know why it matters i dont know why i keep caring as if it fucking matters, man, thats the embarrassing thig that really is it i feel so fucking ashamed of myself because i feel liek im still setting ym expectations so so fucking hgih for myself getting upset in the fucking first place lik e come on dude its long long long past the point why come on just shut up and you know like god what are you doing iits so fucking desperate and pathetic to keep fucking going and i wish i never existed or whatever i wish or whatever ugh or whatever who saidthat oh was it me i dont fucking know i hat ebeing alone thats what i hate the most i hate how its just alwayslike this i hate being near people sometimes i hate fucking talking to people because it justfeels like everything i cant fucking manage all of the time i keep getting so so fucking upset over dumb fucking shit getting so fucking sad and jealous and miserable and its not fucking fair i jsut i dont know why eveyrone else has had something or someone even jsut once i feel like im just floating through everyone and even thats such a fucking stretch i just . i cant do it any more i feel so ugly adnd unwanted and i feel like i cant do anything to ever help it i feel like i jsutcant blamepeople i can tblame anything but myself for existing and ijust feel like the only way to fix it is out and WHATEVER

[inosukeslefttoe]

i’m pulling this shit out of my ass and all the emotions i’ve been having because i decided to binge devilman crybaby today. I first saw it in 2020 during the pandemic and decided it was one of the best pieces of media i’ve ever consumed. i was worried that my opinion of it would’ve changed by now BUT IT HAS NOT.

it honestly just such a beautiful piece of media,, i think i could talk for hours so i’m not even gonna mention the aesthetics and soundtrack and imagery and references and just focus on like. feelings.

THE CAT SCENE. became so much more obvious and important this time around. basically. akira is the cat and ryo is the one crying. we all know about akira empathy abilities and his weird “you’re crying too” when it seems clear that ryo ISNT and that he has no feelings. EXCEPT HE DOES !! he doesn’t know it at the time but deep down inside him is the ability to feel sadness and therefore the ability to love. tbh i think the reason he didn’t believe in either of those things at the beginning was because they’re both just so. human. ANYWAYS the way that akira sobs upon the cats passing despite the fact that he Knew it was gonna die mirrors how ryo cries for akira in the end. ryo knew akira was human and that he would eventually pass,, AND THEN HE EVEN FUCKING FOUGHT HIM TO THE DEATH AND KILLED HIM ?? yet he still cried over his corpse. and like ,, that literally makes no sense because HE KILLED HIM HIMSELF so why does he cry ?? why does he mourn this weak human that he knew was already dead ?? BECAUSE HE HAS FEELINGS. HE HAS STUPID MESSY IRRATIONAL HUMAN FEELINGS. OF LOVE AND HEARTBREAK AND SADNESS AND LOSS. and i think that might be part of what scares him the most. he lived his whole life thinking he was emotionless and superior and strong,, and as long as he had akira by his side to be the emotional one of the group he’d be fine repressing all his shit. but now akira is gone and he’s left to sit in his feelings and except the fact that he HAS them and that he’s a little bit more human that he thought. oh and also i just think that for someone who always talks about how the strong beat the weak etc etc ,, it seems a little silly for ryo to fall in love with akira who is the softest and (no offense) physically weakest baby boy out there. he literally had this coming.

the baton scene !! this one didn’t hit quite as hard as the cat scene but i still want to talk about it because i <3 repetition. i think it’s supposed to symbolize how throughout his life akira tried and tried and tried again to get ryo to feel his feelings and be able to give and accept love. no matter how many times he tried and failed, akira never gave up and still loved ryo because that’s what people do with those they care about !! and i think it just breaks my heart that ryo couldn’t accept the baton until after it was too late.

oh yeah and this is possibly my favorite development and new thought after my rewatch. um. so yknow how ryo doesn’t have any memories of being satan at first. i think that maybe this means that he could possibly not remember other things too. this might be a bit of a stretch but i feel like the point of being a demon or being trapped in hell is to yknow ,, BE IN HELL sooo ,, where i’m going with this is that i think that ryos hell and punishment from god is to be thrown into different variations of earth with different variations of humans and in all of them he finds akira and falls in love with him and only knows it until it’s too late. and THATS why akira/all the akira variants can tell him that he IS in fact crying, because they know with their magic empathy abilities that he DOES love them more than anything. i might be off but i love to torture myself <3 but like ?? it sorta makes sense especially with god rebuilding the world after ryo destroyed it. like what happens to ryo ?? where does he go ?? back to hell ?? back to earth ?? i personally like my little theory

i have never read the bible fully but i wanted to mention how i think it’s so interesting how all the religious imagery is like ?? flipped if that makes sense ?? like the imagery of akira vs ryo makes it seem the opposite of how it should be. and i wonder if this also applies to other scenes with more obscure imagery or references like the miko donkey scene ?? idk but i might look into it more. i think they did this because it’s supposed to show how nothing is ever truly black or white with humanity. emotions and love and sadness and just people in general are all so multifaceted and can’t really be explained with any exact science. by switching up seemingly obvious imagery and confusing the viewers a bit i think they show how everything is just on a huge greyscale

okay i think that’s it for now but i WILL update this if i have another thought

[blueslight]

Way too often someone esp my.irls will do something that slightly bothers me/hurts me/gets to me and like for sure if my brain was normal i could either just address it or shrug it off but something is super wrong with me so instead i spend a full hour if not more thinking about if i should address it, if it would be morally bad to address it bc i dont wannna makw them feel guilty, if its morally WORSE to not address it bc friendships/relarionships of any kind require communication, if its bad of me to set their comfort over mine or mine over theirs, if i should just pretend im fine and act normal so i dont worry them or if i should not force myself to stay upbeat if i actually just got sad cuz thats unhealthy for me, but if i dont address it but also dont play happy maybe THATS bad of me cuz they might notice and get worried but also i wouldnt expect someone to keep talking to me as usual if i hurt them and its not fair to ask of someone, but also isnt it maybe manipulative or something to become a bit distant/less high energy for a bit just bc im hurt ?? Like what if it seems like im trying to punish them and they dont kmow why bcuz i cant address it without feeling guilty but also maybe i HAVE to address it but also what if im just being oversensitive or irrational and and and and and.

Can someone PLEASE fucking help me this is naseauting

[tulpafcker]

yeah reading that webebed comic is making me think about like. growing up On Line and knowing there was something wrong with me, KNOWING i had a personality disorder and just not knowing Which One, but knowing it was most likely one of the two that people dont give much sympathy to

but then also being surrounded by people who do the same things i did and DIDN'T have those disorders

is such... a wild fucking experience. i joke like "haha more people should think theyre a sociopath growing up, it humbles you and makes you painfully aware of how people see the shit youre doing" but like, even if the people i knew thought that of themselves, they wouldnt care! theyd brush it off or think theyre one of the good ones (tm) with no self reflection!! and thats because I did it!!

like. as a teenager, i genuinley thought "its not that i dont FEEL remorse, its just that i havent done anything that was bad enough to feel remorse over!" and concluded that i didn't have aspd

like. i was simultaneously self aware and not self aware, except since i was more self aware than most, it was easy for me to believe that nothing escaped my field of view

and even to this day, it's like... why?? i was in a whole fucking group of remorseless assholes who were overly violent about people we didnt like! we were ALL quick to turn on each other, and we were just a small group of a huger group! we couldnt ALL have aspd?? and WE DONT!!! WE DIDNT!!!

some of them were just being teenagers, some of them have other shit wrong with them that they either got help for or... didn't.

its just. aaaaa!! and yes depending on who it was directed on, my anger issues and impulsivity were both used to help the group and ostracize me! my friends LIKED when i could turn on people on a dime and drive them out of the group if they did something percieved as Bad. some of them genuinley WERE horrifically manipulative people and it was good that they got out of there SOMEhow. but they got out because the server admin was too pussy to do her job and Administrate The Server so it was My job. but if the admin herself or her friends hurt me (for instance, by saying that i was selfish for wanting to kill myself,) then suddenly i was scary and irrational and couldnt be trusted. fun!

and this suuuucks but wrt the webbe comic i see myself a lot in gage in that his Go To Excuse (im traumatized!!!) was MY go to excuse back in the day. plus i struggle w like. just because i dont MEAN to be manipulative, doesnt mean that i cant BE manipulative, plus its not the other partys fault for feeling manipulated

gage is lowkey also kinda unempathetic to milo cuz he finds milo annoying at times and uhhh thats a hashtag struggle of hashtag mine

and like. id never date an actual fucking murderer (but then again i can just SAY anything. in another life i could see myself justifying it if i was in a worse spot) but the reaction towards gage vs milo by the commentors of the comic is telling imo

in that gage (as far as we know) has been thru shitty situations and we dunno how he grew up yet (or maybe we do idk im not done) and he has maladaptive, manipulative, and hurtful coping mechanisms just like milo does but in the comments milo is seen as a wrong but still sympathetic guy while gage.. isnt

and thags kind of how it felt, yk. growing up the way i did. like i wasnt the best person but neither were the other guys but they got sympathy because they *appeared* good and pitiable and soft, they were treated like flawed yet human individuals going thru it, and i was lowkey dehumanized even before i ever really thought i had Dehumanized Implicitly Personality Disorder

ALSO the "sorry for saying s*ciopath i didnt mean to offend people w aspd" part in the comic Gets Me because there are people who do say that BUT thats the begining and end of anything they say abt aspd and its kiiind of hurting it ngl

cuz like. i agree honestly! i think people should maybe not say sociopath as freely as they do anymore. for one its not used diagnostically anymore and for two; in the layperson, the word paints a picture of a very stereotypical moviefied version of someone with aspd. so not only is it not used medically, its used in a way that dehumanizes people with actual aspd- in fact a lot of people dont even know that its CALLED aspd!

and of course, Not Saying Sociopath Anymore isnt gonna solve ableism (i learned the term aspd from an Ableist Video after all) but like. it would be nice? maybe?? to have the basic decency to not be referred to by a word thats used to either treat me like a dogshit criminal implicitly OR sell a warped version of the thing i struggle with to hollywood audiences and or true crime affecionados

but because of people who ONLY say that stuff and nothing else, the notion isnt really taken seriously by anyone and is brushed off as Stupid Internet Stuff + a smattering of "if you REALLY had REAL aspd you wouldnt CARE wether or not someone called you a sociopath!!!"

which of course is ironically another example of ableism not being solved by Changing Terms but uhh yeah since the fauxtivist puriteen blogs r where a lot of people first heard of the concept its IMMIDIATLEY written off as stupid internet stuff and i just think its very very funny that milo webcomicboy said that just like. as a microcosm of him? say/do shit that sounds progressive but does stuff that actually is either a) irrelevant or b) hurts people more than it helps them

also just bc i relate to gage doesnt mean i like him theyre all pieces of shit. i like him as a character not as a person. everyone here sucks assssssssssssssss but im just. observing plus a lil like. not exactly recognition of self thru the other but "oh god that COULDVE been me if i didnt get very very very lucky" self awareness did not fix me and it did not save me but it saved me just a leeeeeeeeettle bit and thats enough babeyyy

if this makes no sense im SORRY ive been soo traumatixed also im LITERALLY neurodivergent and a minor???? ugh!!!

(nah fr fr it is late as all fuckkkkk idk if this is coherent. if its not just shhhhh let it fade into obscurity thanks i appreciste it)

[lokisprettygirl]

hi i know i havent done this in a while but thought this was long over due so if you still dont mind these, here are my thoughts about tb...

the last few chapters have been nothing short of incredible, i havent interacted much, fault of my own dismay but really the chapters have been an absolute marvel. the twists and the unanswered questions to many many question linger in the air. (pardon me but for some reason i turn very formal for no utter reason)

one question is what happened with the whole bruce and mummy dearest dilema.

i remember there being a loose end concerning steve and co.

but to now talk of the latest chapter if again you dont mind this annoying

i whole heartedly agree the she was being completely irrational but the fact that she knew she did something wrong shows something. and lokis thoughts are completely valid, with everything he's been through, what they've been through, the trauma of what happened last time still haunts him. he doesnt deserve that and im sorry for that darling.

and that sameera woman ughhhhh. for god bloody fucking sakes, she never deserved a space in his mind to occupy let alone his heart. the gull of that whiny idiotic girl boils my blood as she had the shit to say the shit she did after crying to her father that he took her, which caused him to get beaten to an inch of his life. FUCK OFFF you bitchy little girl (i was very tempted to call her a spoiled rich bitch then remembered y/n)

god darling, i really am just sorry. you dont deserve any of this. please wipe the tears that has had no right to cause you any distraught. your feelings are valid but it doesnt mean you deserve to feel the pain you feel. if you cant hold your tears anymore though darling, know that im here to hold you whilst you curse out the world and i will protect you no matter what (wow that got way too personal? not sure if thats the right word)

him being cold to her is albeit a bit rude, is totally understandable. the walls theyve broken down together were coming back up in the moments he thought and did lose her. only for a second though but he did lose her in those few hours and that was just enough time build back those walls up slowly. he still hasnt forgiven her fully hasnt he? but he still loves her enough to ensure that nothing will happen to her and that i believe is real true love. a bit cliché but it is. hes still very guarded now especially with what happened but god the mysteriousness of him is... i just find it rather hot is all

and also that he trusts her enough to know that she isnt like that woman, though he was desperately holding on to that thought, despite the facts, he really loves her does he. to hold on to the belief and hope that she wont leave him despite everything, god i just love him.

why does the mean side of me think that the one he called was bruce and hes taking revenge on her for leaving him in those few moments. its petty and unlikely but my mind is a labyrinth.

i deeply apologize for psycho analyzing your work but its all truly brilliant and if i may be honest hmbomt is still in my mind. im going through withdrawals and the urge to reread it again is very strong and drew to distracting myself to reading lisik.

anyway hope you have a lovely day darling and hope im not a bother

from your lovely 😊❤️ 💜💙💚💛😊

I never mind these dear, you have no idea how happy I feel to get a feedback (the current chapter literally have 0 comments..zero, I was writing the next chapter yesterday and stopped because it got no interaction for hours and it bummed me out) that's not what motivates me to keep going. This does so never be afraid to send me your thoughts, receiving a feedback on something I wrote will never not make me happy,

I like your formal tone 😂

Ohh bruce and her mum will make an appearance soon 👀

Thank you for trying to see the both sides, if I had Loki's traumas and issues and I read that message from her with her being gone, I'd think the worst too. He was just starting to learn to accept the fact that she loves him and not what he can do for her so this definitely wasn't something he needed.

She needs to learn alot about the life and she needs to learn to love herself and she's trying her best, but she got overwhelmed and instead of confining to him she chose to act out because that's what she had done all her life. That's how her life has been like :(

And yes I think he got swept up by her pain and didn't really get to know the person behind those walls, like bad people can get hurt too, they get depressed and they get Suicidal too but at the end it's all about what they can get, it's all about them.

She didn't care about loki, she cared what he was giving her and then once she realised how tough life was outside her mini palace she couldn't survive it.

He's not taking revenge I can assure you that, he's not vengeful type of guy, he did get a phonecall and had to leave but he can't tell her the truth 👀

Thank you for such high praises for HMBOMT, that fic would be the one fic id save if all my fics were dying and I could only save one 😂

Lisik was my first born so writing style isn't the best there but I put all of my ideas in there, so I hope you will enjoy it because I loved writing that baby.

You're never a bother, thank you my lovely 😍💚

[myownprivatcidaho]

.

[littlebabycrybtch]

honestly its still so heart dropping and disgusting to continue to see aspec ppl have to put on that like. trained, overly polite, overly passive, complete Lack Of Self Respect tone that forces a sense of ‘i know i dont matter’ just so they dont get completely automatically ground into dust when they go out on a limb and ask ppl they wanna interact with; ‘hey please dont start anything but can you just let me know if you’re an aphobe or not’ and its Still met with soo much mockery and disbelief almost every time like....... bro what even is there not to understand. you’re literally being the proof of why they have to ask abt it i cannot Fathom that kind of Blindness like lmfao bitch they just dont wanna be around some1 who hates them.... thats .. normal... thats human?? thats human behaviors. its having standards for yourself. its FEELINGS like unironically rn pls tell me you’re clowning and that you do understand how fucken LOUD you all are abt normalizing aspec hate and how often we obviously run into bitches like you and have to ask this question. you know how LONG we’ve begged for basic support so you have to know that reacting to being asked if you give a shit abt somebody with that kind of mockery is disgusting and bratty and ignorant af bc bro lmao its YOUR FAULT for being a Part of the people HATING THEM....?

holy shit lol, nobody should be good with being around people who disrespect a part of them,,,, thats like a genuine personal problem if someone willingly wants to do that, so why tf would you be expecting that. bc its us? bc its us. bc its us and you feel THAT right in thinking that we’re so worthless, they we are just so Stupid for not knowing that too. its funny to you that we dont realize how little we matter. lmao its so ugly and warped like!!! god how fuckin evil can you get just calm down idiot lmao theyre asking if you respect them and you’re basically responding ‘why would it matter to you if i didnt?’ bhsejbjehg uhhhhhhjjjjjjjjj bc thats. a regular thing 2 care about. its standards like mam do you hang out with ppl who hate you. is that some normal thing to you like. avoiding the ppl who wish you werent around is sort of just . health and safety and basic emotional response and also common sense. really is. literally How dehumanizing and detached coudl you POSSIBLY be abt this to be directly asked by a marginalized identity group if you respect them or not, and actually say No, but Also be like ‘LMAO YOU REALLY ASKED ME THAT? IT DOESNT MATTER’ like. yeah it matters bc they stay existing actually, you dont have to hate them for that, and they wouldnt have to ask yall this stuff if you behaved lmfao. not to mention your reaction is literally the evidence that it apparently matters enough to You to make sure they know you dont accept them. fully, you are whats making it ‘matter’ so much bc you are the one going apeshit over a benign existence. you’re the one losing it over nothing.

like lmfafuckingo what is WRONG with your MIND dude im.... speechless like ‘dont drag me into discourse’ YOU HATING SOME1 AND THEM HATING YOU BACK IS NOT ‘’’’’’TUMBLR DISCOURSE’’’’’..............? WHAT R U DISPLAYING RN DID U NOT SPEND ENOUGH TIME IN THE GUIDANCE COUNSELORS OFFICE GROWIN UP WITH THIS ATTITUDE......... ITS THE NATURAL ORDER OF SOCIAL CONSEQUENCE......... ITS SOME BASIC ‘YOU STARTED IT’ TEE MOTHERFUCKIGN EM LOGIC...? YOU HATE THEM! FOR AUTONOMY! FOR HAVING AN IDENTITY AND ENOUGH SELF RESPECT TO STICK BY IT! THEY HATE YOU BACK I THINK THEYRE ALLOWED TO ASODLKFL;SDF AAAA DUUUDE lmaoooo and like good lord, passively existing around ppl who hate you and not challenging them isnt ‘avoiding discourse’. thats. so unhealthy sdjkf what kind of underdeveloped politics.... its toxic and absolutely batshit to genuinely ask that of Anyone. like bro stop Actually expecting ppl to hate themselves for ur comfort thats.... so weird i.... are you okay hhh nah you just need to step up and try to be a regular ass person actually and have sympathetic reasoning skills. being ace is fiiiine its nbd i dont need to to change for you, im allowed to be this, and i get to ask if you’re ok with that so i dont end up in a gross ass environment.

ace =/= discourse. you dont get a say in everything my dude. we’re not here for you to analyze, we dont give you permission and we dont need Your permission to exist, we’re not asking that of you when we send those msgs we’re tryna figure out if ur gonna be a bitch or not basically lol just seeing if we’re gonna be accepted by you or if we’re wasting our time like alksd;al its so traumatizing and unnecessary and MINDBOGGLING that u think its not fucked up ?? to feel like we are supposed to accept your hate of us as our truth?? you believe we’re that awful that its Funny when we dont Realize it or smth thats just so....... what would even make you respect us. literally absolutely nothing besides not existing in front of you. so. thats hate. thats irrational unwavering hate. beyond the fact that any group always has the right to ask you if YOU hate THEM, you cant sit there and mock the mere idea of caring when you are literally giving reason for it by trying your BEST to upset them and make them feel like they deserve to feel like shit for what they are afterwards. dfgjdfkgjdlfkgfd man the hypocrisy and like complete lack of self awareness in reg culture is like novacaine for my brain its so jarring sometimes. im allowed to have a problem with you having a problem with me bc i cant fix Being smth, you can fix how you feel abt it. balls in your court ill stay waiting. im not gonna hate myself bc you’re not right xoxo get a vaccine for w/e makes you this evil and selfish pls

[kondensaduhhh]

aight here’s the thing with bpd since im tired of these toxic arianators (not all of them just the ones that actively hate on pete even if its been two fucking years

(and this isnt me excusing his actions but this does clear some things out

also if u were to watch the entire interviews and not just the clips other pete haters made

also pete haters do be more understanding of his situation)

bpd has this thing (this isnt the same for everyone but this is the jist of it) where when they like someone, they gon be giving it their all, yknow, like, theyre gon act this person hung each and every star in the night sky and then smth changes, like the person does smth or literally nothing, smth would just click in the person with bpd’s head and they gon act a lil distant, perhaps a little disgusted towards this person, they dont know what happened but this thing clicks in their head and they cant fucking help it and when the person leaves, the thing in their head would click again and they’d realised theyd fucked up and shit i cant live without u pls come back. so like intense idolisation to hatred

and that fucking sucks

bpd fucking sucks, and im lucky i dont have it, i educated myself and my fucking god, its so fucking bad, they overthink so much and pair that with feeling emotions a lot stronger than a non-bpd person to the point theyll feel nauseous, they have violent intrusive thoughts, they overthink the small routine changes, like if u text them ‘goodnight’ everynight but that one night theyll think they did smth or that ur breaking up w them or that u hate bc why would u stop doing that if u dont hate them?

theyre gon be clingy bc of fear of abandonment and pushing ppl away to avoid abandonment and overbearing and irrational and they (might) notice this but cant stop themselves

theyre gon have bouts of impulsivity like buying, eating, and prolly even self destructive actions

they feel things so fucking much harder than we do and they break apart over the small things too and god i cant get over how much having bpd sucks and i dont even have it

i just hate it when the arianators just hated on pete and basically told him to go die, either not knowing abt his bpd or just dont care ( shit i just remembered when i was scrolling thru twitter and one of them tweeted that they wish that pete would od in some motel)

here r some stuff abt it

[strawberryspeachy]

Within a couple days of my mom passing my mother was just going out shopping and shit

She kept calling me asking how i am. Fucking terrible what do you think

As usual she doesnt wanna listen to me talk about mom and she got mad when i wouldnt say anything.

Dont call me. Leave me alone

My grandfather is miserable crying being surrounded by places my mom was and food she ate and stuff she had. He went to the er a few days ago and then was called back in he has an infection of some kind but they dont kno what

My uncles 13 year old dog died a couple months ago and then he went to the hospital for 2 months with covid and then pancreatic problems of some kind. He doesnt talk to me but im told he’s miserable and crying too

So my mother this obnoxious fucking child who hates when the attention isnt on her. So she went out and got high. I told her ill block her if she does that shit and her friends yelled at her.

Her ex bf stopped talking to her a few days before my mom died - dont know dont care why. Well she wont stop crying over him and my uncle told her to be grateful for the friends she has. She replied with ‘you wouldnt like it if i told you be grateful for your friends if your wife died’ she told her that was fucked up and is mad at her now. She thinks shes justified in saying that. I asked her if her ex died. She said no but “he may as well be dead because he wont talk to me”

My grandfather got back from the hospital this morning. Now shes saying that she feels oh so sick and thinks she needs to go to the hospital

SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS AND ITS MADDENING

Oh your all sad over mom well stop being sad. Youre still sad? Well look at me im more sad - so sad that im fucking myself up now. Oh youre still upset yourselves and not refocusing on me? Well you should because i have it worse because more than one person in my life just died-dont care that hes not actually dead-ive lost more than you pay attention to me!! No no dont all pay attention to the heartbroken sick widow in the hospital- im sick too!!! More sick than him probably!! “Everyone forgets i also have asthma and prediabetis and blah blah blah everything THEY have AND MORE!!” <—— her response also anytime my mom was having issues with her asthma

When my mom started forgetting how to take care of herself she went to the barn and came to the house literally unable to breathe. It was horrifying. I saw her and didnt know what to do but luckily realized she probably needed her inhaler as i was calling an ambulance. I didnt know where hers was and ran to my mother asking to borrow hers.

Me in tears frantically on the phone with 911 saying moms having an asthma attack let me borrow your inhaler - was met by angry resistance from my mother demanding to know why cant she use hers?! Shes sick of sharing stuff with my mom!! She needs it

GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING INHALER BEFORE MOM DIES

keep in mind my mother doesnt work. She got fired from all her jobs when i was young for STEALING then she just refused to work. When i was going to college she got social security which shed been fighting for for years after abusing the welfare system. She doesnt pay rent or anything. She get money from the government.

So the fact that she doesnt work for all the stuff she gets makes it infuriating that she has issues with sharing food and her FREEE medical supplies with my mom..had

Ive told her several times already that i cant just mourn in peace because of her. None of us wanna have to fight with her rn. She literally always feels like this giant aggressive irrational animal wreaking havoc in a tiny store full of glass

And she does break everything. Yes. My old house was old af and a lot of stuff (the floors) were falling apart. But not stuff we bought - the sink the cabinets the fridge the oven the microwave ect. She slams bangs and hits things. Stomps around. Breaks everything. Breaking stuff we had kept in good condition for years. I cried one time cause i came down to the kitchen snd saw she broke the glass on the cabinet for the dishes… everything… she broke everything.

She trashed my room. We put a lock on it to keep her out. Shes taking advantage of my mom to now go in my room and leave trash in there assuming that everyones too upset to fight her on it. My aunts gonna lock it back up when she visits tuesday so i guess my mothers not gonna send my package because now that shes set foot in my room she feels entitled to it

Thats another thing she does. If she asks you for a favor and you do it. If you say no the next time shell attack you and scream and rage and fight you because she takes it as granted the second you say yes to something ONCE

And it’s stressful calling her and her wanting me to baby her (rn that shes sick and thinks she need to go to the hospital. Before with her drugs)

Maybe shed get more sympathy from me if she didn’t literally do this to me since i was A CHILD

She stole my breakfast in kindergarten. She still thinks that was ok because her. An adult. Didnt have someone taking care of her and giving her food so i, a 5 year old, could just eat later!!

[yarrowtincture]

i have an irrational and petty protection over the name Pandora

my mom gave me one of the most uncommon names, at least in wisconsin, and told me fantastic stories from greek mythology ever since i was young, “pandora is all gifted and talented, that is why i gave you the name” and ive spent my whoooole traumatized, mentally ill life incorporating the mythos into the core of how i see myself and interact with the world. as long as i can remember, i have felt the weight and the guilt of opening the box, of trapping hope inside. the hope in the box symbolizes the only thing that can keep you running in humanity’s machine of eternal suffering.

Pandora jewelry came before me, but pandora radio started less than a full year after i was born. So my whole waking life i have been sharing my name with no one else but corporate identities and i honestly hate that aspect of it lol the only redeemable bit is that i personally have a fantastic taste in music and i make great playlists bc i Just Know when songs go well together.... i often feel like my own pandora radio station lol

Also since i came out as trans in 2011 and picked one of the most common names “andy”, i really like this nickname and it suits me, but i will always be pandora also. and so many people ask me “how i came up with pandora” assuming that its such a strange name that *i* mustve wanted it for myself.... i get their point, a few of the other names ive chosen to go by over the years include salem, ignatius, and andrel for fucks sake lmao. but my classic line any time someone asks me that question is to say “i didnt, my parents were stoners in the 90s”

Anyway this isnt a complete and concise explanation, but the irrational pettiness stems from me feeling like I Am Pandora, and i am The Only Pandora, and i was put here on purpose, and no one else can have my name lol because the burden would be too great on them.... i do not Wish to feel this way, i wish to feel very glad and honored whenever someone chooses the name Pandora, i wish to feel like just another regular human on earth, not like im part of an amazing, chaotic, elaborate plan :(

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

having another fucking crisis at 4am . scream-crying into pillows bc im lonely. throwing up over breakdowns. whats new in the world.  whats new. i think i want to try and drown myself in the bathtub maybe and see if that unlocks some new fucking emotion. like its ironic!!!! ironic becoming sick of the monotony has become part of the monotony. fucking getting so agitated u try and freak out on purpose, on the whim that at least it will be a Different Flavour of Upset..... yet eve that becomes part of the normal..... like im..... okay............. i feel myself fucking losing my fucking Mind once more it appears. it so seems perhaps. i fucking cant take it maybe. yet again so funnily enough.i know damn well nobody not even myself has taken me seriously for years by this Point & i can pledge suicide all i wish but we all know the truth is that i end up having a panic attack last second bc im too pussy and then end up. right back where i started having breakdown after breakdown. writing stupid shite in notebooks and on here in an attempt to find some fucking catharsis but ultimately ending back to the cycle of almost but haha unless as i fucking lose all sense of it AGAIN and AGAIN and for YEARS and for YEARS . i still have old writing  and shit somewhere the same fucking sobbing nonsense abt how i cant take it any more and its all years old shit freom back when i was 14 abt how i dont want to do it any more, abt how i couldnt take it any more, how it had been YEARS then and its just more and more years now and more and more shitty situation how it doesnt get better how ive just been even more of a failure how ive fucked up everything even more how im ALONE even more now how  ive done nothing in the years since but grow more numb and more upset and more tired in ways i was so scared of becoming and then i get back to the god. why dont u kill urself shite again why cant you just fucking quit it and its all such pathetic bullshite yaknow just hot air coming out of some stupid cunt thats like. sustaining so much trouble off of a very simple reality which is “it really would just be better off if you were dead, bro”  rather than making everyone sick and tired of it, rather than CONTINUING to be just a nuisance to everyone, rather than continuing to just fucking make yourself even more miserable and endure all of this when nothings ever going to be worth it especially not hehe YOU, but no im quite frankly full of myself nad have to keep fucking twisting it . have to keeep fucking clinging onto the hope that someday someone or something might save me and maybe i DID have some worth after all even though i know i dont i know i really really dont and its a hard dont  but im being a fucking baby because despite it being a hard dont i just dont want it you know i dont want to keep thinking about how its all just That. its all just that and its all always just that and im sick of fucking. hearing some shit sometimes with regards to it and its like. the cycle of [redacted] shit kicks in , getting infuriated with yourself in longwinded arguments ,  and its all so laden with stupid hypocrisy and garbage and layers upon layers of fucking . self-absorbed  discourse with my own stupid self thats all spaghetti like yet ive covered all of it ive went round and round and round for, again, years and YEARS and again its all so fucking stupid because . i dont know i think. im a little. its very patronising when people try to say certain things and i Shant be too much of a little brat about it im going to shut my yap Again but also i SHANT shant because god if it isnt . nightmarish like YOU know the. YOU know what i mean god Fuck man i hate. the whole idea that its irrational sometimes i hate the way its just. but i really need to Shut up        i think because . literally dont i ever tire of running my mouth potentially not i think but you know the vibe of. what else. you know. like. you run out of everything like what else why dont i just fucking fuck it all up and set it all ablaze which is ahorrendously edgy thought that ive not entertained in a while because im not 16 any more but its very enticing each time you meet the end of the rope (or, rather: realise you were in a haze again, and youve just been here the whole FUCKING time- AGAIN!) that it would be nice to just fuck it all up, the very pathetic scraps you have left for yourself, like just fucking torch the maybe not  bridges but the excuses for bridges that you have like just rip apart the very tiny pathetic remnants of YOU because wouldnt that just be .... something. you knoww. at least SOMETHING. after having clung onto them to the point wherte youre sick and you hate them and you hate yourself for how the most you can ever muster is still so fucking alarmingly pathetic that it just makes you so angry and upset u just want to burn it all down because you dont want to cope with it any more. do you know what i mean. i wish it wasnt like that sometimes i wish i could do something right and i wish there was one thing that i could manage that i was genuinely happy with but it appears this train of thought has reminded me once moreof the Bottom line which is ultimately it all just makes me so fucking miserbalee and i dont want to be alive very very much i think because im never going to be enough for anyone ever and  i dont know whyor whats wrong with me or why i cant do anyhting fucking right but i cant and im so so sick of trying im so so sick of JUST being a fucking failure and having nothing else to hold onto but some . pathetic manufactured pipedream that maybe one day i wont be a fail at something and maybe one day i might do something right that wont make me burst into tears like thats supposed to be a comforting notion in any regard like thats the only fucking thing i have to cling to well i dont fucking want to GOD fuck shit 

[mariisauruslove]

Here's a tbh if you ever come across this

I think about you a lot, quite often actually. The feelings i shared are in fact real. I hate that i cant talk to you or that we dont talk, but i know its for the best.

What i posted in my snap does not pertain to you at all, mon chéri. You were an amazing thing i had, but because i respect you, i didnt want you to deal with the toxicity that i currently am. But also, im reflecting on my past relationships and i dont think you understand that. I would mold myself to what people wanted. I would make myself into something else just so i could be loved. I lost who i am for people. And now im finding myself. So yes, theres a lot to me that needs to grow.

Saying "So i dont know how to say this, but out of respect for you, i am. I have been trying to analyze my actions after my whole fiasco and i find that i need time to myself to improve. I need time to grow and process a better thinking. I also feel i need to focus on my education. Therefore, i do not want to waste your time. I think you're a great person, but i just need to work on myself. Thank you for everything, though."

Was in fact true. Im very naive, impulsive, and irrational. I have been spiraling out of control before you came along. You ask me to look in the mirror, and i have many many times. You can think about all the things im probably doing but honestly im not. I feel too much with you still. And you can question why I'd leave something as great as you behind. The answer is simple. I wasnt ready to recieve it. I wasnt ready because i have this incoherent mindset that does not work in my favor. I let people walk over me, i let things slide, for fucks sake, i was in an abusive relationship just over a year and a half ago. Like i need time to heal. I need time to grow. As much as i wanted you, i needed to focus on myself and I'm sorry it hurt. I knew it did. It hurts me too. It was really difficult for me, but i had to.

But at the same time, you dont tell me about you. Like i didnt understand why you wouldnt tell me your middle name. Like im not stupid. You dont just forget your middle name. Did you do something that you dont want me to know about? If so, just be upfront. Id rather you tell me than keep me in the dark. But also you wouldnt tell me where you grew up or your life. Like you dont just forget that. I moved around alot too but i remember every single city, school and place i lived. Ill admit, my roommate did help me see that this probably isnt safe. I told her about you and what you do. I told her about a concern i did have with you about you being in "a group" a long time ago, but even then what ensures my safety? What if they try finding you or finding a way to hurt you and they hurt me? I can't live in fear like that. If we were to have kids, what would ensure their safety?

Her father is in a gang so she understands that its not easy to get out of. She told me its not the kind of future i want. Even though you might be a changed man, your past haunts you. But even then, you belittle me before you can understand the whole story. You say remarks like "you must be new around here" and idk what else. I dont deserve to be belittled. Even if you were sick.

And then its not only that. I was seeing how i was willing to risk my sanity to help you find yours. I'm not a rehabilitation center and i shouldnt be one to fix you. You should be able to do that on your own. Go to therapy if you need it. I know you never asked for it, but thats what i mean. I shouldnt be this way. I shouldnt have this mentality. I've always been this mom kind of girlfriend and i shouldn't be. I need time to mature and change the way I am. I need to be okay on my own, completely happy with who i am and what i do before looking for the love of my life.

And i feel thats why God isn't putting him in my path yet. He knows i need time to mend myself and find my inner happiness.

But i wonder what made me cross paths with you. The reality is, i feel god wanted you to see that you are deserving of love and happiness. Why you pushed him away? You feel that you got the short end of the stick? Listen, god gives you everything at the right time. If its not now, you just wait. God has a plan and you need to trust him. God knows what he's doing. You will get what you deserve in time. If im honest, i feel thats why we did cross paths. So i can tell you that you are not your past or your mistakes. You are an amazing, kind-hearted person that has a lot of personal issues you need to go through. And not around. Or put them on the side. You need to go through it and face it. I feel that the day you do it and mend yourself is the day god will give you what you've been hoping for.

I wish i could give you more, but its not my place. I need to focus on myself, but thank you for crossing my way. I loved every moment we spent together, and every smile you gave me. I loved our deep conversations, our weird jokes and every time you took my hand. I loved being with you. But its not my place. Please never lose hope and find your happiness. I really sincerely hope the best for you. You deserve the world, Leo. You really do. You deserve so much love and happiness and i hope you find it someday. Thank you for being a part of my life, even if it was brief. Just thank you for everything.

~Mari 💛

[benverlesbians]

Shit fuck Donut Reblag

no longer yearning but like. two years ago i got sucked into makeup youtube bc it was a way to have like. Nice Older Women Teach Me Things. and then younger makeup girls on youtube became a part of the equation bc that was a way to feel like i had friends, esp bc i had an irl friend with whom i did makeup stuff and we like went shopping and she drove me to the mall to cash my paychecks and we alternated getting each other's burritos and she just seamlessly and affectionately accepted that i was a lesbian without ever changing her behavior, so makeup girls on youtube became a wonderful source of comfort!!! but i also watch movie videos bc i love movies and theorizing and analysis, except those are like fun in theory but in practice i hate hearing illiterate white men state their shitty opinions as fact, so about six months ago i was like "i want Friend Girl YouTube... For Movie" and now i follow a bunch of channels that are girls and women my age and older talking about fucking movies and tv shows and books and stuff!!! and its great!!!! and im following a few women of color and gay women and wlwoc and it makes youtube so much better to hear hot takes from people who i would actually like to spend time with and who actually make interesting points well!!!!! but like lately the algorithm has been like "here are makeup women... who are not skinny" and sometimes i watch a video and im like not into it, like the voice or the speech pattern or like whatever isnt my cup of tea but today i found a channel thats like. "hello my name is a joke my intro is five minutes of me anecdotally ragging on my gross coworker i live in your hometown and agree that the public transportation sucks and i have a nice voice and way of speaking and also im fat" and idk but like!!! hell yea!!! me following makeup women to feel mentored and film women to feel less alone is well and good but like they dont all need to be skinny. and im glad that theyre not!!! bc fuck it!!!! me and my ED have grown up into an overweight adult and thats literally not a value judgement its just a fact and another fact is that people are fat and still allowed to have interests and be interesting and maybe if i knew that as a kid instead of believing that being fat made you sad and mean and irrational and a joke like it wouldnt have been such a big deal to gain weight like a normal person during puberty and i couldve just been fine and NOT made myself sad and mean and irrational and a joke to the point that i will cry about a burrito if it's not right or over a salad bc it takes too long to eat or like. take four hours to eat a single bowl of oatmeal which i cried reading the box for bc someone else, when i said i wanted oatmeal, decided i should have the reduced sugar variety. maybe i would just be like "huh this doesnt taste superb lets avoid this on future grocery lists" and finish it in ten minutes like a regular bitch.

[leiheart]

need a space to put my thoughts. im fine, just releasing negative energy and basically dumping to an empty auditorium.

i keep complaining to people about the same problems and that gives me immense guilt. it makes me feel like im stagnant and not progressing enough, and i know that the problems i have are going to take a lot of time to unlearn, but i still feel frustration about it. and i also kind of just want to give voice to my shitty feelings without doing anything about it, because i know rationally the answers to all of this, but i just want to feel validated. esp from myself. and i dont want to continuously dump negative energy onto the same people so ahahah, here it is

a lot of my communication is fucked over and i feel like a lot of the same thing happens with people i’m close to. it almost feels like i shouldnt let myself get attached because i just end up hurting people. i overexert how much i give to people and take simple requests about my behavior extremely personally because of having to constantly care for parents on the brink of divorce. hearing them speak with so much vitriol makes me unable to take anything that anyone says as something other than an attack and because i project my sensitivity onto other people, i always feel like asking things for myself will hurt others too. and i dont value my own thoughts enough in the moment to speak up whenever things bother me in the slightest so it just bottles over until i break down. and i hate myself for it and ive been talking about it since i started therapy two years ago and i’m STILL fucking struggling and i hate myself. i dont want to be “irredeemable” but every single voice in my brain screams that. ive been in physical pain because of my self loathing and i’ve wanted to take it out on myself and i’m trying so hard. so so hard not to regress and spiral because i know its not good but i really dont have a healthy emotional outlet. my anxiety about my future with drawing interferes with my ability to fall back on it as that outlet, so i guess im fucked.

i feel like everything i do is wrong and that i have to apologize for my own fucking existence. i feel like i have to apologize for everything in advance because im going to fuck something up and i want to show that im trying to hold myself accountable. i feel like i’m being rude or selfish by NOT saying sorry. and being told that its annoying that i say sorry so much is, really hurtful for some reason? i dont know why and when i started saying sorry but i do know that it causes me immense panic if i dont say sorry because people will hate me. i just need one small sorry to appease the growing waves of guilt. like. what else can i do

and it feels very wrong to ask things for myself. very very wrong. and i know ignoring that isn’t healthy so i’ve been trying to pay more attention to that and figure out how to care for myself. and at the same time i constantly worry and think about other people’s feelings bc of how i had to survive in my own home with family members who needed therapy but refused to get it, so like, its so easy to put my own needs and feelings down. i dont want to use this as leverage at all over other people in my life but i care? a lot? and probably think about them more than myself every single day? and worry about them and try to offer support even when i know it will burn me out? and im not trying to martyr myself but at the same time, and i feel selfish for this, i spend so much emotional labor on myself that i havent spent enough of myself and whenever i finally have the balls to say or do something about it, it always seems to end in disaster.

its a bad thought but i feel like it would have been easier to have been dead and have avoided giving everyone else so much trouble. like on the one hand my overdependence on people almost drove a friend and myself to suicide when we spiraled on each other. but on the other hand my attempts to preserve myself without other people’s effort has the recurring theme of souring my relationships and reminding me of a total failure my fundamental interpersonal skills are. and i get that these are irrational thoughts but like, fuck, i’m feeling them. and each second i’m fighting them i’m fighting the urge to give in and ultimately kill myself. it feels like the only way i can go through life is just being alone and assuming all friendships in which i share my feelings will end in disaster. ofc thats an absurd conclusion and will make me unhappy but, if im already unhappy dealing with my interpersonal issues i at least wouldnt spread my unhappiness to other people.

i dont expect anyone to read this bc i have like 4 active followers but if you did you dont need to respond. actually, i think given how fragile my temper has been i would just be irrationally upset even tho i know people want to help. like hearing good words is great and all but im not okay right now and insisting im gonna be okay later isnt what i need to keep myself from fucking up my wrists. and like other people have no obligation to care for me right now and thats genuinely fine. i already know all the i will live and i will be okay shit. i just need to survive the present, and part of that means being a complete shithead on main for several seconds. thanks