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science-lings · 6 months

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I've been thinking a lot about Phoenix's family, and I got carried away so I'm going to put the whole essay below the cut, I'm so normal about him

I'm sorry there's just no way that Phoenix has any sort of normal family situation, not just because they're never mentioned even in passing as he goes through extremely major life events, but also because of how he is as a person. You cannot convince me that the guy who fell head over heels for Dahlia two seconds after meeting her had any sort of reliable support system in his life. When she got arrested the only person he could think about was a guy he hadn't seen since they were both nine instead of any current person who would likely care that he almost got poisoned and arrested for murder.

While I think it would be nice if he had lesbian moms who loved him, it just doesn't quite fit in with what we know about Phoenix. I mean, even in the WAA/WTA the only photograph on display is Zak's, and if there isn't a better person to put on the wall than the biological father of his daughter who abandoned her, that's pretty sad. (though I personally like to think that his portrait was there specifically as a target for things like darts and throwing knives). Plus, we already know from the thing with Dahlia that Phoenix's primary way of dealing with trauma and abusive people is just to pretend nothing happened and force himself to forget about them.

That's not even mentioning this guy's abandonment issues and complete willingness to adopt anyone he finds into his found family with zero hesitation. He meets Ema once for a few days, someone he has no personal connection to, but because she reminded him of Maya he stays in contact with her at some capacity to the point that he keeps her investigative tools with him and can have his name be used to gain her favor. Also, there's that new years art where she gets drunk with the Wright's and Apollo. And there are several more young adults/teenagers like that, he's got that foster kid to foster dad energy.

What I think makes the most sense is either that he was given up for adoption/ was an orphan in the foster care system who was passed around a lot, never getting too attached to one family, which led to his abandonment issues, or that he had a normal family life until something happened that estranged them from him. As a staunch believer in Transmasc Phoenix my thoughts are that he had transphobic parents so when he left for university he cut them off and changed his full name which explains why he is so desperate for emotional connection at that time. He suddenly has no one but a dream to find Miles and a girlfriend whose red flags he's completely blind to.

But honestly, there are so many reasons that people could come up with that would also make sense for his character. Maybe they were emotionally abusive and since everyone around him has dead or horrifically bad parents he's just not going to ever bring it up because who is he to complain when his besties are Maya Fey and Miles Edgeworth. Maybe they were just absent a lot and he had to take care of himself (and perhaps younger siblings) until he just couldn't take it anymore. Maybe they just tried to get him a girlfriend to settle down with one too many times and he just refuses to visit them, not even on holidays like Christmas or new years. It's just fascinating to me that there's absolutely nothing about them, I think there was even one of those little (official?) comics that poked fun at the fact that he doesn't really have parents, he may not even know who they are.

I also stand behind all of the ideas from my Phoenix Family HCs Poll because all of them would be so fun to explore even if some of them are total crack HCs. Tigre is only 16 years older than Phoenix but you can't say it's not possible that he messed around in high school and his girlfriend just gave up the kid for adoption and it would be so funny if Phoenix had to put his own father into prison after he pretended to be him.

In my Fem!Phoenix AU where I'm planning on expounding upon her relationship with the Feys and her own spiritual power (Phoenix does canonically talk to ghosts sometimes), the spirit of Ryunosuke found her and kind of became her imaginary friend who appears sometimes because I love him.

Even the idea of the goddess of law making him as an indestructible little terror on the legal system would be fascinating to expand upon. I would love to read about the whole concept of law being turned into a kind of religion, is she a single omniscient god (is she single?) or is she part of a larger pantheon? What would that mean for Phoenix?

I just can't even fathom that there's something normal going on with Phoenix and his family, I think he should pull an Apollo and secretly have the most batshit family backstory. Just looking at this guy and you know he has some kinds of issues, he was an art/theater major, he's got to be a little bit of that flavor of fucked up.

#i know it's funny if he's normal and just turned out Like That but I like to have fun here so I'm gonna be weird about him #also the poll has less than a day for votes so uh #check that out i guess #phoenix wright #ace attorney #hes a demigod but his godly mother just gives him the power to not die easy and pull some real silly stuff in court #I had too many thoughts im sorry

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popculturebuffet · 2 years

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Avengers #200 Review: One of the Worst Moments in Marvel History (Comissoined by Brotoman.EXE)

Trigger Warning: Rape, Manipulation, and Gaslighting.

Avengers #200.. is the worst thing i've ever had to cover ofr this blog. I thoguht after the 22 minute transphobic nightmare of quagmire's mom it'd NEVER be topped.. but as I wrote this the anger just welled in me more and more, every stupid line, bad decision, and gross bit of misogny and rape just pissed me off mor eand more and more. Quagmire's dad is close and it physically hurt to write this one too but not as much. I'm honestly suprised I finished writing this, but i'm proud I did but man was it a lot.

If you haven't heard of this issue… super good it means your life is slightly better. But in short it folllows Carol Danvers through the worst moment of her life. At the time Carol was , naturally, an avenger, having migrated from her recently canceled solo by Chris Claremont to the avengers and at what started as a good time: David Michlinne of Iron Man and Spider-Man fan started a , from what i've read of it that's not this steaming bowl of elephant piss, fairly good run, clarifying Wanda Maximoff's backstory , having nice dynamics with the team and writing Carol Herself well. Carol had just had her ongoing by Chris Claremont, which despite it's issues is worth checking out and also integral to the sequel to this story we'll also be covering shortly, canceled but was popular enough to get ported to avengers, and Michline continued the work claremont did having her as strong, indepdneent and badass.

So what to do with her next? Have her slowly work up to leader like future Captain Marvel Monica Ramebeau would? Have her serve? No his plan.. was to get rid of her by magic space pregnancy.

See for a long time the Kree Supreme Intellgence, the incredibly huge head that rules the miltaristic Kree Empire, had wanted to end his species genetic stagnation, and thus was fascinated with Carol as a Kree-Human hybrid. So Dave's brilliant idea… was to have her be pregnant thanks to him.

Yeah that's already not great, but likely would result in her fighting him. and the build up.. wasn't half bad. It still had both the terrible trope of "magic prengancY" which is RIFE with terrible implications on it's own and had a moment.. like this where David interprets "feminism" as "hates the idea of having children" instead of "Supports women's rights to CHOOSE if they want to have a child or not"

But I chalk that up unlike the decision to do this storyline at all or it's awful, AWFUL conclusion to David simply not getting how feminism worked and to his credit when writing Mary Jane on spider-man, the years had taught him how to write an independent female character with a career driven mind with more nuance. I mean he still had her kidnapped and stuff but like… it's progress from "You know what would be funny and ironic? Have carol hate the idea of having a child, as is her perogative, and instead have her get forcibly imprennated?" I mean most writing decisions are better than that but I respect when a writer changes with time and actually evolves as he goes instead of stick to sexist belieifs.

Carol suddenly fates and at the hopsital dr. phil announces her prengancy with all the grace and tact you'd expect.

"I mean what woman WOULDN'T be exicited to suddenly find out she's pregnant after three months and clearly didn't know it? It's not like they have a dangerous job where the baby couldn't of been hurt, could've been assaulted or GASP dont' want to raise a child" Women amirite?. Get used to that last one, as this comic has big "Women amirite" energy

Anyways next issue, we do get a genuinely tender well done scene as Carol admits her vulnerability to Scarlet Witch.. as well as her secret identity.

It's a touching moment between friends and something Chris Claremont clearly remembered for his followup. It's also notable Wanda is one of the only people who seems to consitently think about Carol's needs during this whole debacle.. even if sh'es dead wrong about two thigns: that scarf she tied to her head is absolutely not working for her, and The Avengers are going to be as unhelpful as possible. Well okay unhlepful as possible would be chucking her into the grand canyon while 9 months pregnant, as she'll be shortly, but even that sounds better than some of teh shit they'll do and say.

Finally after an incident involving a giant samurai robot built to kill Godzilla, which also isn't even in Wanda's top 10 but does at least make the top 20, the avengers return to find Carol.. though weirdly Captain America, one of the sharper people in the marvel universe.. can't recognize carol despite not wearing her domino mask. I mean look the ms marvel outfit is fine but like… it's not that concealing. Though frnakly his reactiona t least makes sense as he's shocked since he only saw carol days ago entirley not pregnant. IT's the resonable reaction to finding out your friend has a rapidly escalating pregnancy. The less resonable ones are…

Yeah these responses are a sign of things to come from these three idiots… and just for some context, Janet Van Dyne is fucking aweosme. Henry McCoy used to be fucking aweosme.a nd Simon Williams eh he's alright. But the weird dopplegangers replacing them for avengers 199 and 200 can fuck right off as their written so terribly it hurts. Janet wants to celebrate despite being told in THE PREVIOUS PANEL that she was suddenly 7 months pregnant, beast makes a stupid joke, and Simon CONGRADULATES her. I get Janet wasn't the firey independent woman she'd become post divorce but she still was empathetic enough not to do this. Hank is a certified genius and hindu sex god, he'd at least know whne not to joke and Simon out of all of them at least comes off like he had no idea what to say to any of this. It's also neat Donald Blake is way better to Carol than his alter ego will be, but we'll get to that.

Thankfully Janet is back to being herself for a moment next panel.. as the avengers worry.. and we get one heck of a cliffhanger

Yeah the labor itself is normal. But everything about this is as nuts as it is awful, so join me under the cut as I get into the issue itself if you feel comfortable doing so. I'd normally just say join me under the cut but given the books contents (poitns to content warning) I feel just saying "GET IN THERE" isn't reomtely approraite. If you can though, come right this way

So with a bunch of the avengers waiting outside the Mansion's operating theater, where Dr. Donald Blake is tending to MS. Marvel. As for who donald is he's the alter ego of thor, who had one for most of his life till Walt Simonson decided "nah" and did away with that and most attempts to try it again haven't stuck. He's sometimes a diffrent being, sometimes just thor in a human body, sometimes a mad god after being stuck in his own pocket realm. He's a multifacted indivdual. Point is he's the doctor the avengers turn too when needed without most of them knowing he's actualyl mighty thor since they didn't want to bother to introduce another superhero doctor, kinda like how Doc Sampson is the psychatrist to most superheroes. At any rate he's operating with Jocasta. Jocasta is a mechanical wife built by Ultron, who being based on Hank Pym's brain patterns in the comics, decided to base Jocasta's on Hank's then wife Jan. But like all Ultron's creations except his robot dog I just learned existed

Such a good boy he, she rebelled and became a sorta member of the avengers for a while. She also ended up dating Hank Pym despite being her grandfather as she saw him more as "god", and really given her own creator wanted to make her his wife, I can't blame her for not wanting to go with that line of logic.

Waiting around we see some other avengers: Captain America, Iron Man, Hawkeye and the previously seen Wonder Man and Beast. For those more familiar with the MCU I don't really need to explain the first two. Hawkeye as you can see had one hell of an outfit, one that's both a tad goofy.. and really cool at the same time. Why they coudln't of just adapted this one but took off the giant mask (Which I love but get may of not worked on film), and isntead just gave him a purple bodysuit I don't know. He also had an actual personality instead of "Has family, did spy stuff, natasha was like a sister to him", being a bit abrasive, when just starting out he had a habit of challenging cap at every turn which makes them later being close friends all the sweeter, but ultimately a well meaning guy. He had his lapses in judgment and periods written as a total ass hat, see "getting mad his wife didn't save her rapist" and "any time brian micheal bendis has ever written him", but at his best he's a well meaning hot mess whose far more capable than most give him credit for .

Wonder Man is a sun glasses wearing fellow with a complicated history. In short, he was a faile dindustralist who was given super powers by the masters of evil, think evil avengers, and sent in as a mole. He genuinely bonded with them but his body seemingly gave out.. but instead his ionic powers put him in a death coma, and when he was brought back as a zombie he genuinely came back and thus became an avenger for real. The Vision was based on his brain patterns, with how he feels about Vision depending on whose writing him: At best, like under Steve Englehart, he sees Vision as a brother if it's a bit awkward since he wasn't ask. At worst, lik eunder JOhn Byrne.. he refuses because he wants to sleep with his wife. Most of the time though Simon is pretty likable, just not one of my faviorites.

Finally we have Beast. Most probably know his deal as he's been in almost every x-men adaptation and is you know awesome.. or at least was. But many are likely curious why he's an avenger. It's pretty simple: a few years before this the x-men's ongoing title ended, and for whatever reason Beast got a very short lived solo adventure. It's also where he got his iconic fuzzy apperance as he drank some science juice to give him an extra boost while exploring some corrupt employers and didn't change back in time. For whatever reason Steve Englehart took to this new version of Beast and had him join the avengers during an open tryout. He's also the one who gave beast his cheery personality, with Hank deciding after some moping to make the best of his new form. He and Wonder Man are best pals and he was a valued member for some time and it's why when you see him in the early chris claremont x-stuff, he's with the avengers, first asking the x-men to take care of a dangerious situation we'll get to next month, and then guest starring for a few issues during the dark phoenix saga, which we'll hopefully get to later this year.

So yeah while I just defended clint not a paragraph ago.. this is one of those total asshat periods as.. this is what he has to say abotu cap being understandably worried about his friend having a mystery child she dosen't rmemeber conceiving coming out of her about a day after finding out.

YOU SEEM PRETTY WORRIED OUR CLOSE FRIEND HAS A DEEPLY TROUBLING MAGICAL PREGNANCY, YOU MUST HAVE PUT LITTLE STEVE IN HER AMIRITE? Anyways the birth goes on as WandaVision join them, and while everyone's worried, the birth is soon done and Doctor Blake announces

God I wish it were Freddy Kruger. But no it's a seemingly normal baby they all coo over forgetting you know.. this is fucking weird. Also Beast thinks he'll be quarterbacking for the jets. I didn't know Hank liked sports ball.

Also at the birth are a recently arrived Wasp and Yellowjacket. For those less familar with two of my faviorite heroes, their Janet Van Dyne and Hank Pym, but in the comics they were both around the same age as Scott Lang instea dof the previous generation. Their relationship also ended pretty badly with hank having a severe mental breakdown and phsyciclaly and emotoinally abusing janet. Hank did later make amends, get help , and what not but he never forgot wha the did nor stop trying to atone for it. So it makes it kinda awkward to see them here just a few years before all that happened. Hank was Yellowjacket becaause during one breakdown brought on by some lab chemicals, he developed a split personality that claimed he killed haank and Jan's reaction instead of.. telling her friends so she could cure him.. was to marry him like this. I can't imagine why no one voted for that one in the valentine's poll. At any rate Jan goes to check up on Carol, Ms Marvel at the time. Carol is.. abotu enthused about all this as she should be.

Carol is right that both she was used, how we'll get to and this isn't a good thing. She's RIGHT to be pissed after being forced through birth and having everyone around her tell her. It's especially bad since for all we know she has postpartum on TOP of having been grossly used, and everyone's response is "OHHH A BABY SO CUTE WHO CARES IF HE"S A HORRIBLE MIRACLE BABY WHO POPPED OUT OF OUR FRIENDS UTERUS AFTER SOME UNKNOWN ENTITY POPPED IT IN HER" .

So we get some interludes for a bit: Vision and Wanda happily make up for lost time (He stayed on duty during her sabstical), and both agree having kids right now probably isn't the best decision since they both have very dangerous very active careers, while we get a fun scene of Hank hustling Hawkeye at pool, using a calculator to easily fleece him. Both scenes that would be great and fondly remembered if they werne't in the middle of hell.

Speaking of which the demon baby speaks with one word "c'-change" Because apparentlye ven rapists self birthing baby men like david bowie.

Anyways after a guy ends up in another time period after coming back with groceries. This both has an explination and as we've sene is far from the most baffling thing in this comic

We cut back to Carol whose back up and about and in costume.. and we get.. this scene

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Okay this one isn't AS infurating as while Simon is still being a dick.. it's more of a "it was 1980 most men would likely say this kind of shit and not get what they were doing". The effects of having a child through rape, which is what this is and what it comes off as in Carol's reactoins, wreen't known and Simon dosen't get forcing her ot face her trauma this soon is bad. But at least he's trying to take her feelings into account and trying to help. He's doing it fucking horribly..but he's not going "OHHH BABY OOHHHH BABY" like he just ate some bad enchaladas. He's still a bit of a dick but it's at least more "this has aged poorly" than

SPeaking of which as you can see Beast's reaction.. is to give the now child nightmare baby some sports stuff but he instead wants electronics. Cap, apparently carying the team brain cell at the moment instead.. interogates him since it's obvious the kid has full intellgence.

…. okay i'm really starting to wonder about that gas leak. So to recap in response to Cap wanting to honestly find out what is going on here, and spoilers Marcus, as he calls himself, ISN'T lying, and it's every bit as horrifying as it sounds but we'll get to that, Tony's response is "Oh just give the mystery baby who apparently impregnanted our friend against her will with himself it'll be fine". We then get simon being a full on dick as his repsonse to Carol not showing up.. is… is… this.

I'm struggling to write this one because a good chunk of this comic is just… pure infuration. Just sexist nonsense about how Carol should just buck up nad face a baby she didn't want nor ask for that was raped into her and that it's just "WOMEN AMIRITE" while al lher friends give said baby man everything he asks for with no questions. Every panel is some form of character assasnatoin and it's not even the INTENTIONAL kind. It's so assinine their doing this purely on accident. I mean so far Jan has cooed over Marcus, Beast just wants to give him sports ball, Simon has berated his friend for not wanting to face her child by rape just yet that also done did it, Hawkeye cracks jokes about Steve being the dad, Tony and Thor give him electronics, and Jocasta hasn't been mentioned by me but is busy being mad Vision is with his wife instead of her, but at least has the exccuse of emotoins being new to her!! Steve , Wanda and Vision are either on the sides or have their own crap to deal with and Carol is you know HORRIFIED. Every other character is being butchred by this fucking thing. And given as I've said I love Hawkeye, Beast, Janet and Hank, it's PAINFUL to see them butchered by this and disgusting to see this done to carol.

Okay so back with the plot Carol decides to see her son when.. this happens

…. just.. my god. The only thing more unsettling than this.. is the reveal of just what's going on her. Which is somehow worse than Carol eyehumping her newly born now adult son.

The Avengers, somehow, have bigge rproblems as a spaceship, a t-rex and god knows what else are appearing outside as time itslef breaks down. And the ensuing actiona s most of the avengers go to deal with it… is pretty awesome. Like the scene with beast were this comic not what it was, this would be pretty badass. I mean iron man punches a dinosaur, vision lasers a ufo, wanda hexes a medivil witch hunting knight. It's all pretty dope stuff.

The dope stuff ends for a second.. with some racisit sterotyping.. and with Cap succumbing to the gas leak.

Yes le'ts not assume the mostly naked man who mysteriously appeared inside your friend's uterus and has been buidling some science fiction tower in your house is behind time suddenly going apeshit. ONE OF THE 616'S GREATST STRATEGESTS EVERYBODY

So while Marcus finishes his machine, the rest of the avengers join the fight and while Vision takes out some lasers, Wonder man gets attacked by a prehistoric snake… and again while the rest of this comic is pure agony.. we get something really awesome. Like… all time i'm going to bring this up when possible awesome. Something that dosent' remotely make this worth it but helps keep me coherent enough to finish instead of just banging my head on the keyboard a few times and calling it a day.

Yeah you saw it here.. unless i'm halucinating this from the stress: Wonder Man just fast balled special a large prehistoic snake into a ptreodactyls' throat to free iron man from it's cluttches. Even in it's darkest hours shit like this reminds me why I love comics.. and it somehow gets better as thor's solution to all of this?

BEHOLD THE THORNADO! Forget going to the head he should've just done THIS to thanos! This may be one of the coolest, dumbest, most awesome things i've ever seen. It also dosen't make this comic worth it but LORDY this is fun to look at.

We get some more as Jarvis, the team's butler instead of an ai here, cold cocks a musketeer and jocasta helps beat witch hating knight.. btu sadly the fun has to end as we get back to marcus.

I am crying tears of agony right now.. not a joke. I just… my god this is fucking painful to read. Someone WROTE that. I know they were desperate to rewrite things, but .. SOMEONE THOUGHT THAT LINE WORKED. Who.. what.. who what… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. tyghb hnhygghyghb vghkjklghg… I.. I had to stop banging my head on the keyboard I don't want to get more of a headache from this shit. Which sadly means I have to finish this. So hawkeye UNDERSTANDABLY thinks the almost naked man attacked his best friend and destroys the machine. Marcus cries then tries bating hawkeye , then the rest of the avengers into killing him

Sadly.. they don't as his victim stands in their way and we get an explination.. and if you thought I was mad before, I have not BEGUn to rage yet. Okay so Marcus is the Son of Immortus, whose also a lot: So Immortus is the possible future verison of Kang the Conquerer, avengers foe and soon to be mcu big bad, a time traveler who conquers throughout time and space, hence the possible future self. He apparently died even though that makes no sense, but we don't have time to unpack that.

Marcus was born when Immortus saved a woman from a shipwreck then …

Okay first off FUCKING EWW showing Immortus raping this woman on panel. Second , unlike with Carol they basically acknowledge this is rape,.. yet still romanticize it. RAPE IS FINE IF YOU LOVE HIM. So much horseshit and so painful to. Like.. did we need EXTRA rape in this?

And I do mean extra as we cinally get to marcus' OWN rape of Carol Danvers>... speaking of which ...

Yeah… not only do we see his rape on screen too.. but they trry to protray him as diffrent.. despite unlike Immortus just kidnapping carol, using her for his own ends, and when he couldn't win her INFLUCING HER MIND. Immortus RAPED her. He brainwashed her into loving him, and into becoming his own incest baby. And when you look into his sick, fucked up thought patterns, you can see just how selfish he is: his thorughts are "I need someone strong enough to rapid birth me" not "I wonder how she'll feel about this" and he makes her love him when he can't get her to naturally. Marcus is a FUCKING monster and the story tries to paint hi mas sympathetic! He's a fucking rapist who put all of reality in danger because he was bored! and his only excuse for not helping was "Would you help if I told you I was the son of your enemy". Well probably not at first but they might've if you reached out. You coudl bring peole there, bring cap there, and give him a few weeks to get to know you. The avengers have the genius of tony stark and hank pym.. well not today, gas leak and all but usually! They coudl've helped you! Instead you raped a woman because you wanted to! Because at the end of the day it was easier to just rape your way into this world and because you WANTED to. And Jim shooter thought THIS was okay? I get he had to change gears but THIS wa shis first thought? and everyone went along with this? All of this can fuck straight off. Originally when I started writing this it was only tied for the worst thing i've read but nothing, not even the blatant family guy transphobia that once held the spot has made me this. fucking . angery. They had a character rape a woman and had the fucking GALL to try to go "oh but he's so sad and lonely". So was the Phantom of the Opera and you know what? He murdered a bunch of people even did a kidnapping but he didn't RAPE christine! He had weird conseual sex that produced a son accoridng ot the sequel but he didn't. You did. You violated a woman because you deep down wanted to and then told the story in a way to make you come out the hero while still BLATANTLY mentoining you manipulated her. It was right there, as Carol will rightly point out in the sequel. Marcus.. is a rapist and the story treats him as the hero

So Marcus explains he has to leave forever.. and….

Yeah you just saw that. Marcus leaves.. and they LET Carol go with him despite CLEARLY not being hersel fat the itme, having hated this whole idea before seeing marcus and "suddenly" being infatuated with him. At the very least despite you know, helpng with the stupid tower plan, Tony is clearly like "what the actual fuck" and it's VERY clear he dosen't remotely think this is a good idea, want a part in this or want this to happen. Thor though? thor is like "ZOUNDS I'LL TAKE YOU THERE YOU WANNA GO THERE I'LL TAKE YOU TO THAT GREAT PLACE OF RAPE AND MORE MOLESTATION!"

And all we get of possible regret.. is this

Go jerk off in a lake, both of you. Oh and in case your wondering, as I did ther eis some followup next issue and both simon and tony CLEARLY doubnt what they've done. Which somehow makes it worse as it's clear at least one of the writers knew this was wrong but coudln't stop it.

Thor: God of Dickheads. Yeah as you can tell this issue is a disaster. I'm sure there were letters against it but most dammingly was the essay the rape of miss marvel published by one Carol A Strickland, which nicely details how utterly gross this was with less mental breakdowns than me but just as much anger.

Thankfully her stay wasn't long. And trust me in comics it can sometimes take DECADES for a bad decision to be overturned. The stupid ediotrially mandated retcon that Sam Wilson be a pimp took until the mid goddamn 2010's for a writer to formally say "this didn't happen", and shockingly easily and in a way that could've been done long ago. This only took a year as one of the many pissed off.. was X-Men's CHris Claremont. See before this Chris had written Carols' solo, so the first chance he got he fixed this and just to make sure nothing else horrible happened spirtied carol's body and mind over to Uncanny X-Men. HOw'd he do it? We'll find out next time. As for this issue: it's terrible, you shouldn't seek it out, and you should stay far away form it. You shoudlnt' forget it exist so shit like this dosen't happen again, and it should serve as a dark reminder of the worst comics is capable of.. but you don't have to go through it yourself. It's agonizing, terrible and gross and I feel bad for having read it and everyone involved feels as bad as they fucking should have fo rhaving made it. Thanks for reading, sorry it had to be about this.

#avengers #captain marvel #carol danvers #thor #iron man #captain america #beast #janet van dyne #the wasp #yellowjacket #hank pym #wonder man #jocasta #horrible

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neighbourhoodwaifu · 3 months

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For me I've always had the problem of mirroring people I see on TV, subtly adopting some of their mentality or traits if I'm exposed to them too long and relate to them on some level. It usually goes away after I stop watching the show. Typically protagonists I watch are men, and if they're cool or relatable I mirror them a little. I don't think I've mirrored many women on shows or movies. But I definitely easily connect with them. The one that comes to mind is Ripely from Alien. She's just a person, she's not a "girlboss" or something it has nothing to do with that. But she's so cool.

I also have always been fascinated by shows like Sailor Moon. I remember being a kid and wishing I could transform the way Sailor Moon does. I saw myself in her because she was pale and had blue eyes blonde hair like me. I didn't understand that this was weird for a while. I grew up to reject my more girly habits, and honestly became homophobic and a bit transphobic during my teenage years. Despite having weird fantasies. Lots of self loathing there.

The point is its been so hard to reconcile everything in my head and my life experiences because there's so much conflicting information. When I look in the mirror, and have a light beard and stern look, I think I look pretty good. Sometimes. But I look at my body and I want to be skinnier. I want to be curvier. I want to be sexy like a woman. Not like a man. But I've never been fit in a masculine way. Maybe I'd love myself how I am if I worked out more. But then I've always hated shopping, and never really liked clothes. Never really clicked. I ended up buying things I felt would make me look good for other people rather than for myself. Oftentimes I would lean toward things that broke the mould of what men typically wear. Like lots of pinks and pastels instead of blues and blacks. But it never felt like me. It felt like a costume. Like i was trying to fit in. When all I really wanted to do was throw on a shirt or sweater and some jeans or something. And women were so lucky because they have such amazing clothing and look so pretty or sexy or beautiful... and I think I resented help my wife pick out clothes because I was jealous. But it also would be fun to dress her up the way I want? Like... holy shit.

I am self diagnosed autistic. Shoot me. If you spent 10 years with me like my wife has you'd agree I'm autistic. I think people have always known, especially when I was younger and hadn't learned to cope or mask or fit in. None of it comes naturally to me and I'm not always "in" on what's going on. I've had to brute force my way to understanding by listening and shutting up for the first half of my life. Now I'm pretty good at navigating. But I think ive been holding back and pretending for so long that I never really found out who I am. And I think I've been depressed because I'm not really being what I want to be, just checking off the boxes everyday. And whenever I've had a wrongthink moment I've been scared of people judging me and thinking less of me. There so many threads and veins that interconnect and create this confusing concoction of emotions and holdbacks.

I think another problem I have is that I don't really FEEL my emotions right away BUT I will act on them in the moment. It's like the emotional side of my brain is living separately and just does whatever it wants with my body without me knowing until it shows itself. I don't cry much anymore except when really tragic things happen. But I have always had anger issues. Probably because of the autism, mostly. But also probably from not feeling comfortable expressing my emotions. Holding back tears. Holding back honest reactions and beliefs. It makes sense. It's not like I've had a terrible upbringing or friend group either. My family has been open to us being queer for a long time, and my friends are often queer. But the shame and fear of fantasizing about being a woman still remained my whole life. I've always seen it as a perverse fantasy rather than maybe a sense of desire to express my true self. Probably because of puberty. And my sexual attraction to women. I guess I couldn't tell the difference between gender envy and sexual attraction. Especially since I've never been sexually attracted to a man ever. So being a straight man was just obvious and simple. No extra steps needed. And I got a wife who loves me for me. And she's fine with whatever I want to do because she's probably asexual but she's worried because it seems sudden to her since I never really showed any of this. I never really considered it a realistic option. I assumed I never could be... but... I could... and it's the only life I have. I've though "I hope my next life is a woman, that'd be fun" but... there is no next life... so... if I want to be one I have to do it now. And I can. There are ways to do it. It doesn't have to he a fantasy. And worst case scenario I have to spend some money to undo some of the effects if I want to go back to being a man. But I don't think I would... because I don't like my face. I don't like my body. And I don't think getting toned and fit will remove all the apathy I have. Being healthy is good, but I think it's deeper than that.

I'm tired of living how I'm supposed to and want to live more hedonistically. I'm not a hedonist, but I want to embrace my natural desires more. If I want to buy a cute article of clothing I should just do it. If I want some cutesy item I should get it. But I don't want to gaslight myself and give into stereotypes. I want it to be my genuine desires. It's so hard to avoid falling into traps of "pretend" when my whole life has been some level of pretending. Putting on a show. I'm performing an act and the character is me. I just want to be me. I just want to be.

#egg #trans #autism #autistic #egg irl #transgender #mtf

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