#truly i strive to be this grounded with colors someday

[op3ra]

v-day gift exchange piece for @tabooi pt 1 ✨

(pt 2 here)

[novelconcepts]

hey! i love your work - i've been reading every single one of your fics on ao3 since the blessed day i found you here <3 I know it might seem a bit out of character but what do you think jealousy would look like for Dani and Jamie?

It’s not jealousy, exactly. Jealousy is an ugly word, prompted by the belief that your person is, in fact, drifting--or that you are, in fact, not all there to hold their focus.

Which, admittedly, Dani isn’t. All there. Not all the time. But she still wouldn’t call this jealousy. Jealousy was Eddie’s arm tightening around her shoulders at the movie theater. Jealousy was her mother’s eyes darkening whenever a woman was too polite to her father as he ordered drinks. Jealousy was whatever kept Peter Quint locked to the Bly grounds, his fists tight around Rebecca Jessel’s desire to be better, even in death. 

Jealousy is ugly. This is not jealousy. This is...

Casual amusement. 

“So,” Jamie is saying, leaning against the counter and pointing to a brochure. “These are the most popular options for a wedding arrangement. You said you don’t want roses?”

“Tacky,” the bride says, her nose wrinkled. She’s probably in her early twenties, Dani gauges, and seems tailor-made for big, sprawling events like a wedding. Even the way she walks is orderly, her heels clacking, her body following a straight line from flower to counter and back as she speaks. 

The bride isn’t really the person Dani has been watching, all things considered. The bride knows exactly where she is, what she wants, how she’d like them to fall in line for her special day. 

It’s the other one. The maid of honor, who appears by all indication--jawline, hair color, similar smile--to be the bride’s sister. Maybe twenty-five, maybe a little older. Pretty, as these things go, though not exactly Dani’s type. 

Dani doesn’t seem to be her type, either, from the way her eyes drag up Jamie’s frame and linger around her lips. 

If Jamie has noticed any of this--the way this woman is quite literally attempting to phase through the counter to where Jamie is standing--she’s doing a remarkable job of not showing it. Her eyes sweep from bride to book and back again as she keeps up a steady stream of conversation primarily intended to keep the customer talking. Jamie’s method of finding exactly what a person is looking for is very similar to her method of living with Dani: coax them into talking about themselves, about their day, about what they like and don’t like, and piece the rest quietly together. 

She’s so busy listening, she seems to miss altogether the way the maid of honor reaches across the counter and drifts a hand close to Jamie’s. “What would you pick, for your big day?”

Jamie smiles, and though her gaze does not cut to Dani, there’s something about the way she leans back and bumps Dani’s ankle with the heel of one boot that says it all. “Haven’t really thought about it, if I’m honest. Not really the white-wedding type.”

“What type are you?” the woman asks hopefully. Dani swallows a snort. Jamie only smiles. 

“Quiet, I think. Private.”

The woman chews this over, letting her fingers sneak closer to Jamie’s hand. Jamie, politely, retrieves her own fingers before contact can be made, her attention sliding seamlessly back to the task at hand.

“So. You’re thinking how many smaller arrangements, for the tables?”

Dani is not watching the maid of honor out of true jealousy, so much as curious interest. The world is changing around them a little more every year, celebrities beginning to come out as politicians bat around the legality of love they don’t understand, and things are...improving. Cautiously, she suspects things will continue to improve, that there might one day be a time where she’ll be able to take Jamie’s hand in a public restaurant. Kiss Jamie in a movie theater. Love Jamie in some way resembling acceptable for the eyes of strangers. 

Even then, even in a world where no one cares, she can't imagine the bravado of this woman. The sheer strength of will it takes for a strange woman to meet Jamie as she steps around the counter to show them out, her hand sliding up Jamie’s arm in a fashion not remotely professional. Her voice is soft as she leans in toward Jamie’s ear, her smile predatory. 

Dani watches with curious interest, and if there is something small--a ghost of anger, a ghost of sudden sharp heat in her stomach like a fist tightening--it is nothing. It is irrelevant. Jamie is her own person, is completely welcome to whatever interactions come her way. Jamie, she reminds that part of her which sometimes feels nothing like her at all, loves her. 

Loves you, that little part murmurs, but can’t have you. Not all of you. Not the way this woman gets her husband, forever, with a ring, and a party, and a white dress--

Jamie is stepping away from the woman, a slow roll back to match the tense smile on her lips. The woman’s face is darkening, something unpleasant in her gaze when it swings to find Dani. Jamie raises a hand, waves goodbye, allows them to round the corner before she flips the sign and latches the door.

“Unbelievable,” she mutters. “Did you see that?”

“The part where she was eating you alive for an hour, or the part where she tried to mount you right at the door?” Dani says dryly. That little kicking drumbeat in her chest is still pounding away, the squeezing fist rapping out a message she can’t ignore. Even if it were legal. Even if they all understood. Even then, you wouldn’t be able to do it. 

“Don’t think her sister didn’t notice, either,” Jamie says, rumpling her hair with one hand. “Think she’ll have some explaining to do this evening--hey, you all right?”

“Sure,” Dani says, too brightly. Can’t have all of you, and doesn’t she deserve better? Doesn't she deserve someone who is always steady, always the same from dawn to dusk, who never looks into a mirror and sees--

“Dani.” Jamie’s hands are on her shoulders, Jamie’s face much closer than she realized. She starts, nearly stumbles, relieved when Jamie’s grip tightens just enough to keep her upright. “You look like you’ve seen a--”

“Just...” Dani shakes her head. How to put this? How to explain it? “Just...something about that didn’t...sit right, I guess.”

“No,” Jamie agrees, “I’d think not. Handsy, wasn’t she? But I hope you don’t think--hope I’ve never given you cause to worry--’cuz, Dani, honest to God, I’ve never--”

She looks so nervous, it’s almost like the years have rolled back to a sunny day in this very shop, to a single moonflower and Jamie’s hopeful smile. All at once, that grip of fear in her gut loosens, Dani’s breath returning to her in a long sweep. 

“Jamie. Breathe.” 

“No, I only--I know how it probably looked, but she was trying to give me her number, and I--”

“Told her she’d have to get in line?” Dani teases. Jamie looks about ready to swallow her own tongue. 

“Told her I'd never met someone half as in love as me, and she should be lucky to find the same someday.”

“Oh my god, Jamie, she’s never going to come back.” She’s laughing, unable to stop herself. Jamie, not looking even the least bit ashamed, tucks her hands into her pockets and shrugs. 

“I didn’t like the way you were looking at her, is all.”

“What, like I was going to escort her out in a fury and blame it on my low-key possession?” 

“No.” Jamie is not smiling. There is an earnest quality to her face, even as she reaches up and touches Dani’s cheek. “Like she was making you sad. Haven’t seen you like that since we left England. Dani, honestly, you know I’d never want...anything but this. Ever.”

It isn’t a question. It is maybe the truest thing Jamie has ever said, and it pulls at Dani’s heart harder for that. 

“I trust you,” she says quietly. “It wasn’t that. Wasn’t even her. Just...it’s enough? Even knowing we don’t know...even knowing there could only be--”

“It’s enough,” Jamie says, cupping her face in both hands, pressing her forehead to Dani’s with enough force to make them both laugh a little. “It’s always enough.”

She kisses Dani once, twice, and Dani lets herself linger in the moment. Lets herself forget about windows and strangers and tempting hands striving to coax Jamie off the path. None of it matters. None of it matters if Jamie is truly happy here, if Jamie is truly home here. 

“I’m only saying,” she says when Jamie breaks, glances back over her shoulder, begins guiding Dani backwards toward the supply room. “You have options, for when I’m too old or too boring. What was she, the seventh one to try to slip you a phone number?”

Jamie groans. “What is it about me? Do I have emotionally available stamped on my forehead? This never used to happen in England.”

“You scowl much less now,” Dani points out, breathless when Jamie sweeps an arm around her waist and dips her toward the couch. “And you wear all those suspenders--”

“Could tell them,” Jamie teases, following her down. “Could greet each and every woman at the door with, ‘Welcome to The Leafling, purveyors of fine floral arrangements, my name is Jamie and this perfect specimen is the love of my--’”

She’s kissing Dani, all jokes forgotten, and Dani finds herself dreaming--not for the first time--of wild possibilities. Of a sunset wedding, of friends gathered close, of Jamie kissing her just like this in front of anyone who matters even a little bit. Of what it would be like, to look at Jamie and know how real they are, even in the moments Dani doesn’t feel real at all. 

Doesn’t take a wedding for that, she thinks, as Jamie’s lips trail down flushed skin. Doesn’t take anything except for her...and me...and...

There’s a ring she’s been looking at. A simple thing, gold, heart-hands-crown. No one would know. No one would need to know. All that matters is...all that matters is...

She can’t have all of you, that horrible awareness of time mutters. Dani closes her eyes, grips tighter to Jamie as she vanishes into the kiss. 

She gets everything that counts, she decides here and now. She gets it until there’s nothing left to give. 

[danddymaro]

Care | Kazuhira Miller x Reader

Summary: Placed in MGSV. 

She get’s hurt, and he knows it’s his fault, and it’s eating at him // Here comes baby Kaz and his self loathing and all that shit that just makes you want to hold him.

Word count :  9630

Character Backstory: So You know those stories where the main character kind of just ends up in another world? Yeah, I’m pulling that little bs. The reader kind of just ended up in that world, without memory or a past. Eventually, she’s saved by V, and brought to mother base. The majority of TTP stories I’ll do are centered around that concept. If your interested in it [  This ] is the character design I’ve done. Of course, it’s not really the set image, but an idea of mine. You imagine what you will. I own nothing but the story itself. The characters mentioned and used are not property of mine.

I’ve finally finished something else on metal gear! (۶ꈨຶꎁꈨຶ )۶ʸᵉᵃʰᵎ 

Care

He could feel his right hand clench, fingers curling so tightly together towards his palm that they trembled with the force. 

Nails pierced through the skin, puncturing through the rough surface to form small bloodied crescents.

He could feel the stinging, the hot burning as he drew blood through the curved indents formed by his puncturing nails. He could also feel all of his muscles stiffen tightly and grow rigid, the burning sensation over every inch of his person, down to the tips of his toes. 

The straining in his limbs was all too present, and he could swear upon it with certainty. It was all there, and yet, as he looked down towards it, towards the trembling, fisted hand, there wasn’t anything to stare at. There wasn’t a hand to look down upon, and hidden beneath the olive-colored pants he wore, there wasn’t a leg either. 

It should have been common knowledge, something he should have drilled inside by then, yet somehow, it always managed to slip past him. He failed to process their absence, because, in truth, it felt as though they were still part of him. 

His murky coated eyes, once a charming soft blue,  slowly trailed to his shoulder where the sleeve of his beige overcoat moved and danced with the strong winds, courtesy of the moving chopper.

’It’s not there, ’ he reminded himself yet again because no matter how many times he repeated it, he found it hard to truly believe.

It wasn’t there, along with their old base…

Along with all their old comrades…

Along with everything they had built... 

None of it existed any longer, because it had all been stolen from them, ripped right from their grips, and taken without mercy. “Everything taken from us… and now…” he trailed off, looking down at their invaded mother base, unable to finish the sentence. 

“It’s my damn fault…” he muttered lividly, because he was to blame, and no one else could take the credit for his mistake. 

“…And I can’t even go down there myself,” He continued with a snarl. “I can’t do anything here… Not with these phantom limbs,” he lamented, feeling utterly helpless.

 It scathed him, burned him from within to know he was useless. 

What good was it to feel them there? 

What good were they if they were nothing but delusions, meager ghosts of his past? 

He was missing so much in his present time, and he had thought there couldn’t exist another pain similar, that somehow there wasn’t anything else he could lose. 

What more could be taken from his single, empty hand? 

- And he had even asked himself such a thing, ‘What more can I lose?’ 

He so often swam in the thought, never once looking far deeper than the surface, never once taking into consideration the one precious piece in his life that had somehow found its way to him, and that he so foolishly spurned. 

He had pushed it away, wholeheartedly convincing himself that there was only one thing to gain, only one thing to strive for: 

Revenge. 

He was so blinded by the single goal of vengeance and the satisfaction of someday grasping it, that he mindlessly overlooked how much there was to gamble…

How much was on the line. 

...............................

The blonde pulled up a faint smile, one that was filled with astonishment more than anything else. To his relief, they had gained control of their base back, all without a casualty from either side,

  “Leave it to the boss to pull it off,“ he said with a sigh of relief.

‘Still, I don’t know what I was so worried about...’ He thought to himself because he should have known things would work out in the end.

However, even after their successful win, a naggy, little feeling was still there inside of him, jabbing him with thin pins of anxiousness. 

‘Why...Why can’t I shake this off?’ he questioned himself. 

He felt a strange sense of urgency, a deep discomfort wedged right in his chest. With tightly furrowed brows the man clawed his hand over his chest as though it might have been a stupid itch irking him, but of course, that wasn’t the case.

- It all seemed well enough, an easy wrap so to speak. 

Whatever mercenaries against them had given in as their leader was brought down, each and every one of the trespassers laying down their arms, submitting for a show of mercy. 

He himself had voiced to them the offer of leniency if they so cherished their lives. 

They’d be spared if only they’d surrender, and that’s exactly what they'd done.

It was supposed to be a victory…

His eyes strained to see the small figures, one of the handfuls seeming very familiar to him. 

It wasn’t too difficult to pick out the woman from the crowd around her when she was dressed so differently from the other men and women on base, so his eyes naturally drew to her.

And as he caught what he was sure was the sight of her, he could feel his chest grow heavier, the sense of urgency spiking as he focused on the small figure. 

‘Something's wrong,’

“What’s going on?” he asked himself with a short mutter, and as the last word rolled out from his tongue, a familiar sound erupted, splitting through the calmed air with its echoing roar. 

A traveling bullet erupted by an opposing rifle, finding its destination within a heaved chest, the hot slug piercing through the center with a quickness that took only seconds.

 And it was only at that moment, that very instant the unmistakable sound of gunfire erupted, that he came to the realization of just what was on the verge of loss. 

He had realized what had been weighing down his heart. 

The sinking feeling had been a sense of foreboding. The sixth sense he’d been granted had been warning him to go to her, to find her before anything happened to her. 

But yet again, he had fallen short.

He watched her body fall, landing on her side first before she turned over, her bleeding torso pointed up to the same direction her pretty face was.  

'Why her?’ He asked himself.

It wasn’t thought he would have found any pleasure in it being anyone else rather than her, because in his perfect world none of his men would ever see an end. 

They’d have nothing but victories. 

However, he couldn't help but ask himself such a question, finding it mind-boggling.

Why had it been her? 

Of the crowd of many, of the entire army of mercenaries, it had been the one person he was certain had never even touched a weapon, much less been stained by another's blood. 

She was someone that hadn’t really had anything of her own, aside from a name, one to which she clung to desperately. She held onto the only thing she could call her own and define her, holding it precious because it was what linked her to her obscured past. 

And although it seemed unlikely to find her way back to the life she had before, she still had hope for it.

She had her name, as well as the still existing faith, and nothing more.

 Some would claim she truly didn’t have anything, and that all in all, she was unfortunate, and, perhaps, to a certain degree, plainly stupid. 

Those who did believe her and her story felt she was being foolish to be so naive in a longing desire far too improbable. 

A certain few found it admirable, but overall simply felt sympathy, a sentiment far too close to pity because they knew she wouldn't ever find the answers she searched for. 

And then, of course, there were those who still had their doubts about her, being utterly distrustful of the strange woman. Without holding back, they made it known that not everyone welcomed her. 

But even then, through the hostility and the doubt, she was someone who was still grateful for life. 

And he could see it.

 Kaz could see it in her smile, in the careless little grin she sprouted every so often, either alone or with company. 

It wasn’t feigned nor some mask she wore to hide her true self. 

No... 

She was joyous with just that single possession, and with what small joys that fell into her hands. Meanwhile, others would lament their fate. 

Others who had more, yet felt spiteful, just like he did.   

The ugly feeling festered as he began to feel robbed yet again, played by the same merciless deity that had toyed with him before. 

He just knew that wherever it was, it watched him crumble, measuring how deep he could fall, and how far he could sink before he couldn't take enough, 

 ‘Why her of all people? Why someone so...innocent? 

What faults did she have?’

His vehicle came closer, and as he caught better sight of her, he instantly felt cold, feeling an icy chill running over every centimeter of his body, almost as though he’d fallen through the cracked ground of the arctic and left to sink down the endless, icy waters. 

Chilled to the bone, he stood stiffly, clutching his chest with his only hand. 

His breath came out staggered as though he’d been running for hours on end, his heart ongoing in a furious pace with anxiousness as silence fell upon them. 

The quiet was ongoing, lasting to what seemed like an eternity as he watched one of the men with her fall to his knees while at her side. 

He made haste in tearing off her sticky, stained blouse, the plain white button-up infected with scarlet, turning completely red as he pressed it to her wound with hopes of stopping the bloodflow, desperately doing the best he could. 

However, he was clearly no medic, the man being nothing but a simple grunt knowing only combat.

Luckily, the combat medics soon came flooding in, falling to her aid, making the determined man move aside as they worked on her. 

Kaz watched with deaf ears as they hastily bandaged her, enough so to move her without letting her bleed out.

The unconscious, (h/c) haired woman was then placed into a chopper, surrounded by medics, each doing a job of their own, doing their best to make her hold on until they reached the medical platform where they could do their best work. 

The last Kazuhira saw of her was just as they carried her into the vehicle, leaving behind only two other medics, both tending to three other soldiers, none of which seemed to want the attention, the men being fine with what they considered small scrapes. 

 As he landed, he walked up to the men, all of which saluted him, regardless of their positions and health, such as loyal dogs would do, which left him astounded at how dedicated they were to their organization, much more to their vision. 

“Are you men alright?” He asked them, dismissing them to move freely with a small wave of his hand. 

‘ To hell with all the protocol,’  

He wanted to see the damage himself. All in all, he wanted to know just how much weight he would have to carry on his shoulders. 

“Nothing much here sir,” One of the medics replied to him, giving him a brief nod before taking off his bloodied, latex gloves. 

Miller watched on as he threw them aside, the blood staining them not matching any of the injured men as they were clean of the hellish color, save for the one man who had desperately tried to aid the woman.

 They oozed with the same gore left behind on the grounds of their base, and it was plainly easy to see that it was all hers.

The man’s hands, as well as the medic’s gloves and even their home, were all stained by her fleeting life. 

“- Nothing but a few flesh wounds,” The medic specified, placing a hand to one of the injured men’s shoulders, the said man nodding somberly, a single motion carried out as he averted his green colored eyes down to the still painted floors, all with a hardened glare. 

His dirty hands were both placed over his knees, fisted at the joints, his head beginning to hang low as he processed the entire ordeal, coming to terms with what had just happened. 

…………………………

 Mutely, Kaz stared at the blackened sky, quietly observing it. 

Everything after the event felt like a blur. Hours progressed and the lovely blue sky darkened into A starless indigo, and during then he was stuck, simply glancing up at the somber moon, staring at the small, thin crescent, like it was the most interesting thing in the world. 

He was stuck on the scenery, seeming to be entranced by it when in reality, his mind had blanked. 

He had gone through the rest of the day without doing much but stare over at the atmosphere, ignoring everything else around him, finding it all trivial. 

Warm colors eventually found their way to the empty space above, waking him from his daze. Far gone the nightly hours, the sun would begin to rise and paint the sky a different shade, and the mashup of quiet darkness clashing with the infecting warmth brought him back to a moment he hadn’t thought of before, 

 ‘On a night like this, you came to us,’ he remembered, recalling that the quiet night from before was near identical to the one he gazed at.

‘ well, almost the same,’  He corrected himself, his train of thought stopped by a loud voice,

“Commander Miller!” He heard one of the mother base soldiers address him, the sound of rushed steps stopping as the man stopped with a perfect salute, his posture rigid straight, chest out and chin raised slightly as he waited for the superior to address him back.

“…What is it?” he asked the dirty blonde-haired male, not bothering to take his gaze off of the large, lovely canvas that was the sky, witnessing as the amber colors began to invade with a slow, but sure win.

“I’ve come to inform you that I’ve just gotten word from one of our medical personnel. 

She mentioned to me that miss (f/n) has gone through the procedure successfully. She seemed to have pulled through the operation after all! ” He informed the commander, and at the news, Kaz’s eyes drew down from the starless sky, all of his focus going towards his messenger.  

“- It actually seems like luck was on our side after all,” The medic added with a slight smile, his impassive face having shifted lightly with a show of good nature, though he clearly hadn’t intended to do such a thing. 

“Is that so? “ Miller replied, his eyes closing, a breath of sweet air inhaled through his nostrils. 

He then felt a feather-light tickle brush the innermost part of his heart. 

‘She actually made it…’ he thought to himself. ‘She actually managed to pull through,’ He thought while his shoulder’s muscles relaxed, melting. He then realized he wasn’t the only one to show personal affection towards the woman, and that he hadn’t been the only one relieved, 

“A personal question, of course, something you are free to answer as you wish...but what do you think of her?” he then asked the other male. 

He knew it was strange to ask, but even so, he questioned the other person, peaked with intrigue.“ Again, you may speak your mind... At ease,” he added with a placid expression, not showing any type of hostility, but neither overjoyed, nor persuasive, coaxing an answer from the other man easily. 

Surprised at the sudden question, the other blonde stayed stunned for a moment, but sighed softly afterward, the soft blow of air coming out with a slight tinge of amusement, 

“Well, I’ve come across her only once.” He admitted. “ And I didn’t think much of her at first, given the circumstances she arrived here with…” he muttered with admittance. “ You could already imagine sir,  I didn’t trust her all too much,” he elaborated. 

And with a single, slow nod, Kaz accepted the answer, not needing more explanation in regards to the other man’s previous doubts. He didn’t need to question further in that regard when he’d been on the same boat before, something that he regrets to have ever entertained.

“I am to understand you’ve changed your perspective then?” Miller asked the soldier, a slight quirk of his brow. Shaking his head, the other man smiled, “ I can’t believe how wrong I was,” he responded. “There’s no doubt…she’s a real diamond,” he added with certainty, his words having strong meaning, that or perhaps Kaz was thinking far too much about it. 

Nonetheless, at the response, Kazuhira pulled up a faint smile, “ I couldn’t agree more,” he replied back, “You’re dismissed,” he told the mercenary, and before he knew it he was on his way, moving to make his way to the closest LZ. 

It hadn't been his immediate thought to take the small trip, but once he registered just where his body was leading him towards, he didn’t try to fight it.

 He didn’t have the will to make way anywhere else anyways. 

He needed to take a trip to the medical platform; It was a necessity. 

Once he arrived, he steadily made his way down the chopper, his sight landing on a pair of nurses, both women occupied in their conversation.

One was a dark-skinned woman with short, red hair cut in a boyish manner, the ends of her short,  naturally red hair curving. She also had large, nearly black eyes which were in actuality the color of dark chocolate if one were to really look at her. 

Her face was slightly rounded, giving the illusion of being much younger, her under eyes being the only thing that gave away both her stress and years.

The other was a pale-skinned woman, being so fair-skinned she had a nearly blue undertone to her. Unlike the other nurse, she seemed well into her 40’s, but at the very least,  her thin face and high cheekbones along with her tall, slim frame gave her grace. 

Her dark hair was tied into a tight, low bun, having all of her inky tresses tied up securely, save for troublesome strands at her sides.  To top it off she had slanted gunmetal blue orbs, accented by her naturally dark, lashes. 

As he came closer he could hear a hint of European accent come from her soft shell-colored lips.  

“Commander Miller,” one of the nurses said with surprise, being the first to engage the approaching man, having caught sight of him from the corner of her eye before her friend had. 

Her dark, espresso-colored eyes looked on at him with interest as she turned to him fully, waiting for whatever question he had. She was wholeheartedly surprised, because as far as she was aware of, he had no checkup scheduled, giving him no real reason to visit the platform.

 At her side the other nurse stared on as well, her striking blue eyes also sparked with interest because she was just as jarred.

“I’m here to see someone…,” Kazuhira started, uncertain on just how to say it. 

It shouldn't have been hard, but he fought hard not to stumble on his words, knowing he was so close. 

 “(f/n)… Right,” the first woman responded with a short nod, stepping closer to the man. As far as she knew the only person to come in that day was the young woman.

 “Yes… Miss (f/n),” the redheaded woman repeated in a way that wasn't actually meant for the man, more of a confirmation to herself as she was still filled with surprise. 

Nonetheless, she lifted up the chart she had tucked under her arm.

She had actually just been handed the report a few minutes ago, not having paid mind to it until then. 

Shaking off the majority of her initial stun, she answered him, “Of course, she came in today,” she murmured, looking over the first three pages, her dark eyes skimming over the written notes, nibbling on her thick, rosewood tinted lower lip as her eyes dashed through the scribbled notes. 

“ Fortunately, she’s out of danger now, and from what I can see she shouldn't have any issues with a good recovery,” she informed the Blonde man with a mellow smile, giving him a sure nod. 

"You have nothing to worry about, " she added, but that wasn't enough for him.

“Is…Is she allowed any visitations?” he asked, continuing to speak to the naturally tanned redhead. 

At the question the other nurse fixed a strand of her black hair behind her ear, shaking her head with a soft smile, meanwhile stepping forward to join into the conversation, “ visitations..?” She started with a soft blow of air in lukewarm amusement,  “Well sir…She hasn’t even woken up yet,” she explained, breaking in the news for him, her friend next to her giving out a small hum of agreement.

"She’s been asleep this entire time, but we can assure you, you have nothing to worry about, " she continued on, hoping that would give him comfort, “It’s actually very common after a big surgery.”

At the news, Kaz’s mouth opened up to speak, but instead took in a small breath, “I see,” he said back, his lips pressing together tightly, soon looking like a deflated balloon, 

 “Thank you very much,” he said softly, beginning to retreat with dejection and notable disappointment. 

It was just his luck…

He had already begun to walk away when the first nurse’s eyebrows shot straight up, her face seeming to brighten with a new idea as a lightbulb went off over her head.

“ Commander Miller!” she said excitedly with a very short jog, easily catching up to the handicapped man, “ Commander Miller, do you really want to go see her?” She pipped, having noticed his obvious gloom, not being able to simply leave things at that. 

She tightly pressed the clipboard over her chest as she spoke to him, “ Because you can! You can pass by and at least check up on her, it’s no problem at all,” She offered. “If anything, I think a nice visit would make her recovery fasten!” she blubbered on, animatedly speaking as she pulled the man along enthusiastically.

At the suggestion, his expression had grown brighter, the corners of his lips rising up slightly as he nodded with appreciation, “If it’s no trouble,” he answered back, giving her a dry chuckle, seeming to be embarrassed, enough so to have a soft glow residing over his face. 

Quickly having caught on to the other nurse’s intentions, the brunette female pulled up a smile, finding the situation to be rather adorable, watching as her redheaded colleague eagerly led the man to where their newest patient stayed. 

He was led inside by the nurse, left on his own as he entered the lonesome room. 

Once within the white room, Kaz stood before (f/n), his sight set on only her. 

He watched her steadily breathe during her resting state, her chest slowly rising and falling. The only other noise there besides their breaths was the rhythmic sound of the heart monitor as it rang within the quiet room, telling him that she was alright, and at the very least, still alive. 

“You know…I thought we lost you, “ he admitted, forcing a small smile over his face as he swallowed down hard, “But I guess you’re more of a fighter… stubborn to fall as well,” he added with a small chuckle. 

“Actually, the more I think about it, you fit in quite perfectly.” he mused. “…Because It’s not every day one gets to pull through from something like that little stunt you pulled,” he voiced out.  

“ Hell, I thought that… let’s just say I thought the worst,” he breathed, receiving no response. 

And though she was still quiet, he wanted to speak to her in order to get things off his chest, and perhaps relieve some of the heartaches he’d held. There had been a scathing burn he felt boiling him alive, destroying him inside out, and he needed to save himself from its pain.

“I …I came to see if you were alright,” he said softly, using his gloved hand to caress the side of her face, the back of his fingers barely touching her, pulling away some of the strands of (h/c) hair that had fallen over her face. 

“You know, the sky isn’t as beautiful as it usually is.

In fact, it seemed rather empty last night, save for the moon of course. I’ll admit that even I wanted to hide away,” He informed her with dry humor.

 “ I’m almost certain it’s not a coincidence,” he added, speaking more to himself, feeling that somehow her absence was what had made the night sky grow solitary and melancholic. Heck, even the sunrise hadn’t felt as lively as it normally would be. 

- It all felt like something was missing.

Giving a short, forced cough, he spoke again, “ Anyways as I said, I came here just to make sure you were alright, and you seem to be doing well,” he said quietly, looking down at the woman who seemed to just be sleeping. Still, he knew better. He could see the small tubes forced down onto her wrist, pumping in clear liquid. 

He could see her worn face, drained of life, and paled as though she’d bled out her natural (s/c) color. He could clearly see the mask covering a good portion of her face, placed there to help the young woman breathe. 

He was aware that in all the time that had passed she hadn’t opened up a blink.

‘She's not well…’

 “ I know I should be going on my way now,” he told her, “But…But I’m afraid to leave, “ he confessed, struggling to admit that to her, having to tear his eyes off of her to voice the concern. Instead, he stared at the monitor as it showed the visual leaps of her heart, the mellow pace being comforting to him.  

“That and I have so much eating at me right now,” he said with an airy sigh, feeling frustrated.” But it’s not like I can just stand here forever,” he contemplated while shaking his head. 

He stared at the steady beating for a few minutes more before hesitantly moving, but only going as far as to stand before the closed door. 

‘ What’s haunting me the most?’ He asked himself, knowing his hesitancy lay in that question,  the question that would unroll everything. 

‘ What’s holding me back here… making it impossible to leave you...’

Why was it so hard to say? She wasn’t even aware that he was there, so it should have been nothing to him.

Leaning close to the doorway, his head fell back and he looked up at the ceiling,  “ It just wasn’t your fault, You know?”  he muttered, “ If anything it was mine…and yet, what good does it do to know that? In the end, you’re the one paying for it,” he said while tightening his grip on his crutch’s holder. 

“I don’t see how that’s fair… and I still can’t wrap my head around it,” he added. 

He stood motionless for a handful of minutes, at least a good five, still immersed into his thoughts, having so much more to say, but not knowing just where to really begin.

‘I should be happy you’re alright,’ he thought to himself, glaring over at her, watching her chest rise and fall ever so slowly, nothing changing from when he first entered the somber room. He felt pain right at his breast, and for a second time, he forced his gaze from her, knowing what pain it caused him. 

Instead, he trailed his eyes up to look at the ceiling, living through the silence with her. Closing his eyes briefly, his forehead wrinkled with visible glabella lines as he frowned.

“That bullet was meant for me,” The short, auburn hair man said with a deep sigh, “ It set off right before me, ” he said softly. “ He took his shot, and I fall…. But only because that woman thought she needed to save me. “ He revealed. 

“ She had rammed her shoulder onto mine and knocked me over,” he explained. “ And she didn’t even make a noise…She was as quiet as a mouse, actually,” He mused with a shake to his head. 

“Hell, I've heard bigger men curse, but not her.”

“ And you know what the worst part is? “ He said, trailing his evergreen eyes up at his silent friend who only listened to him as he continued to speak, “ I was badmouthing her earlier,” he confessed. “I called her a traitor… Said I didn’t trust her right in her face...And then she goes on and proves me wrong,” he said with a dry, short laugh. “...’ Goes and makes me look like a complete bag of shit.”

“- Now I owe her my life, “ he continued on, and at his side, his dark-haired colleague nodded in agreeance, “ She did what she did because she wanted to,” the other man explained, finally inputting his own opinion. 

“ That’s all on her, but if anything you do owe her some appreciation, and an apology at the very least,” he told his buddy, putting a heavy hand to his shoulder, 

“ Be a man and suck it up,” he advised with a snicker. “Unless you're too much of a coward,” 

Kaz had Idly stood by, going unnoticed as he continued to listen on to speaking men. It had been advice not directed to him, but fitting nonetheless. At the very least he did owe her an apology, and he had sworn to give her one, even if it was the last thing he’d do. 

Even if it was with his final breath, he knew it had to be done.

“I’m such an idiot,” he grumbled to himself, trying to steady his breathing, the irking pain not wanting to let itself be forgotten. 

‘ Would an apology even begin to heal things, or even make up for anything? ‘ he wondered. ‘Would she even accept it?’

And as he continued to question himself, he failed to notice the twitch in the (h/c) woman’s fingers. Her (e/c) eyes drew towards him as she shifted her head, looking to where he stood. 

Only after a harsh swallow did she speak, alerting the man.

“ Commander miller…?” She said with a small, muffled voice,  making his hidden eyes snap straight before him, back to where the woman lay while her face directed at him. 

Through the ending moments of her sleep, she had heard a far distant voice, deep and low speaking. It was saying words too muddied out that she couldn’t understand them, but she knew that she was being addressed. 

She knew that someone was there in wait of her response and in a way, it coaxed her out of sleep.

She felt a strong need to speak back and let it be known that she was listening. Through it all, she felt as though she was being dragged out of a sinking state, pulled from calm, warm waters by a desperate hand.

She slowly lifted up her upper body, a deep exhale drawn out as she forced herself up, her eyes squinted hard. She struggled to adjust to the new light, squinting hard before sluggishly rubbing two balled fists over her hazy eyes.

 Quickly blinking away both the strange, splotchy colors that came with the harsh press to her oculars and the tiredness alike, she directed her attention back to the figure. 

She managed to focus on the blurry shape in her room, and though she slowly grew to see him perfectly, she still couldn’t grasp that he, of all people, was there. 

"It is you, ” She said with perplexity, still sounding muffled by the mask.

He was leaned against the wall closest to the doorway, only five steps from the exit actually, his gaze set up high, but that changed once he heard her voice, instead, drawing all of his focus onto her with a caught breath.

Everything seemed intact from where she was, just as she had last seen him. 

He had the same crisply worn clothes that seemed perfectly cared and pressed with the color beige draped over two different shades of olive, and of course, just a splash of crimson, courtesy of his finely fixed tie. 

He had the same pulled back, golden blonde hair,  flaring out from its ends and held there by the neatly placed beret, and of course on the beret was a small patch symbol of the diamond Dogs insignia sewn onto it. 

Lastly, what most defined him were his signature, dark-tinted aviators covering his eyes, ones that she noticed he wore around all the time. 

‘Miller?’ she wondered. ‘But why?’

“ Does the light hurt your eyes?” He asked with a tone of simplicity, sounding almost robotic, something that seemed greatly ill-suited for him. 

She was accustomed to the strength always present in his voice, the passionate sound of his words be it full of order, or befitting anger. 

He had always seemed like wildfire to her, even with the limitations he had due to his handicap. Before, just as she remembered him, he had seemed so filled with drive, his purpose always present in his eyes, even though the dark tinted lenses shielded them. 

Though now he didn’t sound like the man she had come to recognize him as.

He sounded empty… weak.

‘Why?’ She asked herself the same question again.

Nodding silently, she dropped her gaze down to her overlapped hands, caressing them with each other, not knowing what else to do. 

She gave a slight grimace, feeling her palms moisten with subtle perspiration, small evidence of her unease. Finding use of them, she forced the medical piece providing her air down over her chin, the green elastic of it running down to hang around her neck as she freed her lower face.  

“Ah, no, I just needed to adjust.” She responded airily, staring down at the thin sheets, trying to collect her thoughts. 

‘Why am I here…?’ she asked herself, truly at a loss.

She could feel discomfort close to a burning ache at the center of her chest, and curiously, her hand skimmed over the area, grazing her fingers over the thin, surgical green gown covering the flesh.  

‘What happened?’ she continued to wonder.

He watched her move, observing as she gingerly pressed over a large patch of skin, feeling it sting like a nasty bruise.  

He then wondered if she even recalled the event, because she seemed so utterly confused, not yet processing why she was there.

He licked his dry lips, deciding to give her the answers he knew she was begging to ask, “You’re here on the medical platform,” he began, “ There had been an infiltration early on yesterday,” he added, trailing off, giving her time to reflect. 

Seeing her slowly begin to recall the event with notable understanding in her (e/c) eyes he continued, “You...You took a bullet right to the chest,” he told her, “It almost went right through you,“ he informed her, watching as she continued to gently press her fingertips over her chest, wincing as she felt tenderness. 

She continued to touch the spot, closing her eyes with a shutter, for a few seconds reliving the moment when the searing hot slug dug into her flesh.

 The memory had come to her slowly at first, being guided by his words from the start. It came through at a slow pace, but returned all at once with full force as she made that last press over the wounded area. 

A slow, shallow breath left her as she remembered it all with vivid detail. 

The searing, hot pain she felt was remembered as well as the sticky red fluid and the quickness in which her blood had been coursing through her veins just minutes before then.

She recalled that there had been an indescribable ringing in her ear during the time, and it was a tune that echoed after the deafening sound of the gunshot had been released. 

Presently, it was rolling in her ears once more in remembrance of the event, making her shiver with unease,

“Right here…right?” She murmured,  taking a steady breath through her nostrils, carefully drawing in air. “It’s right here,” she added knowing that it had gone through her chest, because that’s where the pain was felt.

“Yeah, ” He confirmed. “It’s actually amazing you survived. Nothing short of a miracle.” He said while staring down at his gloved hand, looking away from her, unable to stand the sight of her any longer. 

She looked so tired, even after so much sleep, having had more than just a handful of hours of rest. 

He just couldn’t stand to look at her being so fragile, and he felt even more burdened with the idea that perhaps he had been the one to wake her up, depriving her of the needed slumber. 

“…It almost went right through your heart.” He added in a somewhat small tone, specifying what part of her had been cut through. 

For a second she stopped, lifting her eyes to him with downright surprise, (e/c) growing wide as her lower jaw dropped a centimeter to give a soundless attempt at speaking.

‘ through the heart…?’ She thought with alarm. ‘ Had it actually pierced a portion of my Heart?’  she wondered. ‘ Then...How am I even alive?’ she asked herself. And then it dawned to her that perhaps she wasn’t the only one to have been in such danger. 

- She hadn’t been alone when it happened.

“ What about everyone else? Is everyone else fine? “ She asked, hoping that if anything, she had been the one to receive the worst. 

“… Aside from you, there were two others injured, but it’s nothing they can’t recover from though. So, there’s no need to worry.” He informed her.

“Just a cut and a bruise,” he added. 

Nodding, she responded, “ That’s good.” She said with relief, a soft sigh emitted.

 “I’m glad they’re fine, “ she said with a small voice, her eyes squeezing together, nearly closing as she smiled. 

He gave her a short chuckle, shaking his head at her response. "To think that’s what concerns you most,” he muttered. “You do know that you’ll have to stay here for a while…A good, long while actually.” He informed her. “The injury is very serious, you can’t just go and walk out like nothing happened,” he told her.

“ Of course, “ She agreed, her smile dying down a portion, “ But I don’t mind, I already spend a lot of my time here on the medical platform anyways,” she admitted, not at all bothered. 

She managed to make it through against very strong odds, and she wasn't going to complain about that. 

‘ I guess I have to make the best out of it,’ she thought tiredly. 

A moment of silence then fell between them before she cut through it, asking the question truly plaguing her:

“Say, commander Miller..?” she asked him, and with a shake to his head, he responded to her, stopping her before she went further.  “It’s just Kaz, You can just call me Kaz,” he told her, and at his invite to a far less formal address, she felt warmth begin to creep over her face.

It had to be some wild dream of hers, she was growing convinced of it.

Was she even allowed to do so so openly? 

‘ He can’t really be serious,’ She told herself. ‘ Maybe I didn't make it through Afterall,’ She thought with mildly dark humor. 

“ Um...Kaz?”  She said softly, smiling at him daintily,  just barely lifting up the corners of her mouth up shakily.

 And when he caught sight of her, and that small twitch of the lips, it weighed him down, leaving him stupefied. 

 The sound of his name coming from her felt so strangely wonderful, and accompanied by adorable dust of color washing over her face, he found it priceless.

“Can I really call you that?” she asked, unsure, knowing she was stepping over new grounds, much more with a man like him. 

“O-Of course, of course, go ahead… What is it?” he responded, leaning in closer to know just what she wanted. She could ask him anything she wanted, and he’d be more than happy to give it to her.

“I just wanted to say, Thank you for worrying.” She said with gratitude, deciding it better to leave her question behind. 

He had his reason for seeing her, and while she’d kill to know just what brought him to her, perhaps it was better to simply go along. 

It could be saved for later.

 “ And thank you for coming to see me,” she added, taking a slow, steady breath before slowly falling back into the small bed, making sure to move in a way that wasn’t so brash. Her head hit the pillow first as she eased herself, and after that her eyes fluttered closed, smiling all throughout because within her stomach were small fluttering creatures, tickling her insides with their light and soft, paper-thin wings. 

“It means so much to me that you came,” she added airily, wishing she had the strength to keep upright, but her body felt so darn heavy almost as though while she had been asleep the world changed force in gravity, forgetting to give her the memo.

He took a small breath right through his parted lips, holding on tightly to the holder of his crutch, both her words and the sound of his name echoing without a stop in his head, making his heart grow heavier before it went still for a sudden halt.  

Hearing her sound so wholeheartedly grateful to him was too much to bear, becoming too much for him to handle. 

Her gratitude stirred within him the pot of all his dumped emotions, and it was always the bitter ones that came through the hardest. 

He hated how much stronger they struck him than the better, more pleasant ones. 

Unfortunately, he’d always been that way, unable to just let things go.  

He wanted to focus on her being alright, and moreso be satisfied by knowing she felt enough openness towards him to call him by just his name. 

Hell, just the way she beamed at him should be enough,  but he just couldn’t stay happy with that.

‘ Why?’

  Why should she even owe him a single word of acknowledgment?  

Was it because he was the one she woke to?  

Was that her reason for gratitude? because despite his failure to protect her, and not just her, but everyone else, he had enough guilt to go and see her?

‘Thanking me because I screwed up again,’ he thought sourly. 

“It’s my fault...They slipped through right under my nose,” he started, sounding gruff and low voiced, murmuring once more the song of a scratched record, catching her attention. 

Her ears perked at his voice, and she decided to once again sit upright, using her elbows for support, then moving to use the palms of her hands. 

”Are you alright Kaz?” she asked him, wincing slightly, her pained face reminding him of the deadly wound she now carried around. 

She felt like she had an anchor weighing her down, but she began to worry about him and his sudden change in demeanor. 

Something was brewing within him, and she could tell from the stiffness in his body as they locked eyes.

’Am I alright? 

You ask me if I’m fine… You worry if I’m alright when you’re the one with a hole in her chest. 

- When you shouldn’t even be alive to give me that pitiful look…’

“You’re here because of me,” he said angrily, snapping at her, glaring at her darkly, surprising her, and making her jump slightly. He showed her his frustration, his outrage at her lack of animosity towards him because she should be just as angry as he was.

 No…even moreso. 

She should resent him for putting her there, rather than even spare him a single kind look. She should despise him for having doubted her, and what was much worse, for having been the first to have been opposed to her when she was in need of a home. 

All in all, she should hate him...

He continued to look at her with reproach, all the while maintaining his antagonistic glare, for a moment reminding her of the man she had first met, the one who couldn’t stand being in the same space as her. 

Yet, while he looked at her with disdain, she had quickly come to understand that the reasoning behind the burning fire within him now wasn’t hers to blame.

Truthfully, there was no one he was angriest with other than himself. In fact, that was the only person he was truly spiteful towards, so much so that he couldn’t even catch sight of his own reflection without feeling disgusted.

“I might as well have pulled the damn trigger myself,” he added with self-reproach. 

He then realized that that was the reason why he couldn’t leave before, why he couldn’t just apologize and leave it at that. 

- It was because of the heavy guilt gnawing at him. 

It wasn’t just that he wanted to know she was alright. It wasn’t simply that he had been needy to feel her close. 

The truth was he wanted to let her know he was at fault, but that despite his mistakes, there wasn’t any part of him now that wanted her to suffer. 

There wasn’t any bit of him that felt she deserved any of it.

She made a small noise of amusement, a simple blow of air coming from her nostrils that made him snap his eyes towards her quickly, that alone catching all of his attention.  

She sat on the small bed, gazing up at him with a look he couldn’t quite describe. He had no time to question her before she spoke, just barely above a whisper, and with attentiveness, he listened on not wanting to miss a single utter from her mouth.  

“Would you have done so Kazuhira?” She asked in a breathy tone, “ Can I ask if…well… would have decided my fate that way?” she continued. “If it would have been out of your own desire,  would I still be breathing now?” She said faintly, not knowing what answer to expect. All she was certain of was that she needed to know. 

If he was ready to spill it all out, she might as well gather the strength to do the same. 

There was more than one fool in the room, both sharing the spot to the title. 

She was curious as to why one day he saw her as vermin, and then the next he stood before her, a man who seemed more wounded than she was, like she had somehow shared her pain with him. 

Alongside that, she was still confused, by not just his own actions, but by her own sentiment towards him, and she wondered if there was a connection there.

She wondered if there was a part of him that felt it too. 

Maybe, through it all, there was a little string that kept them tied together.

“What are you talking about?” he asked her, feigning to be a fool, but fully aware of where she was leaning towards. 

“Would you have gotten rid of me? ” she asked, clarifying her question. “You can tell me the truth, “ she coaxed him,  “I just want to know, “ she explained looking towards him with her pretty (e/c) eyes. 

He staggered towards her,  wishing he could kneel before her, but instead just stood before her, ready to spill it out,   

“I despised you,“ he told her. “ And I sure as hell didn’t trust you, “ he admitted, to which she closed her eyes and nodded slowly, accepting his answer. 

‘ I’m well aware,’ She mused, actually pleased with his words no matter how much they expressed his disdain of her in the past. 

‘It is the past,’ She reminded herself, knowing he was most likely not feeling the same. 

“We didn’t know where you came from, or who you were. Not a soul had a clue as to what you were, or if you were even human,” he told her. 

“I was so sure you were an enemy strategically planned to tear us from within,” he admitted, sighing heavily. 

He was well aware of  how stupid and paranoically ridiculous he sounded, continuing on in spite of it,

“But then, I don’t know what happened, but I began to have a sense of regret. I began to have doubts on your supposed ill intentions.” He went on. 

‘And that’s where you began to be kinder...’ She inwardly voiced. ‘That’s why the sudden change happened...’ She concluded.

“ And then to top it all off, you did the unthinkable… You acted on your own accord, putting yourself on the line for people who weren’t your own, valuing their own lives above yours. “ he confessed. 

“I watched it happen myself, and even now your only concern is of another,”  he told her. 

“ You thank me with such sincerity, “ he murmured. 

“ I know I’ve hurt you so much already,” he told her. 

“But you don’t deserve it…You never did...And if I could, I’d do anything to make sure none of this ever happens again,” he admitted. 

“I’d give anything to make sure you stay safe from now on,” he told her.

“ And since we’re letting it all out…I have to ask you something as well,” he started, swallowing up a large, exasperated breath, 

“ I’d like to ask if you would be willing to forgive me. 

(f/n), would you forgive me for hurting you?” he asked her, “Would you forgive me for putting you here, and for just about every mistake I’ve made with you? I know it’s too much to ask of you, “ he went on, but stopped as he saw her nodding furiously as she accepted him. 

Her face brightened as she tightly squeezed her eyes, smiling until the muscles on her face became sore, unable to conceal her jubilation before him.

“I’m sorry,” She said shivering, giving him an apology for breaking off his sentence as he had just begun. 

“ I’m just so happy that well… I’m just  happy I matter to you.” She said in a small voice, her hands laying over her lap fisting onto the sheets, crumpling them beneath small hands. She struggled to say the words, stammering to admit to him that all in all, his acceptance meant a lot to her. It always had, because, for some strange reason, she had always been drawn to him like a brainless little moth to a flame. 

It came as though a second nature, just like those silly little creatures in search for the moon, and anything that resembled that reflecting light. she drew toward him, towards the wild flame he was, all in search of her path. 

And even if she was a hindrance to his existence, even if the flame would burn her to nothing but ash, she wanted to come closer to it. 

A force beyond her pulled her in.

She couldn’t explain just what struck her as she first laid eyes on him, but it was powerful enough to make her heart jump. In a moment where she should have been distraught, she felt happy, the man before her making her feel that strange joy.

“Even if it’s just a little …” she said with a tiny chuckle, belittling herself for being so pathetic, "Even if it’s just a little bit of concern, I’m happy you don’t want me dead,“ she confessed, wholeheartedly laughing as she continued to speak, her hands clutching her chest as she felt pain.

It was such a sweet feeling that made her feel cared for and dare she even say loved, that she pushed past the ache. 

“ And I forgive you for anything that has happened before now,” she told him. 

'-And I really thought it was all a mask… How could I have been such an idiot?’ he thought with a soft sigh.

“ You’re a part of us now, “ he started, "You said you have no family? No home to trace back to, right?” He asked, taking a breath through his nostrils and lifting his chin up with pride, wearing the insignia of his own people for everyone to see on his beret. 

“Diamond dogs will be your family,” He said, assuring her because there wasn’t a doubt in his mind, not a single part of him that had to second guess her any longer.  

Not any more…

“ I … I’ll be there, ” He vowed, “…with you,” he said softly, tenderly gazing at her. “ And If you do get your memories back, and well… decide to leave us behind…” He trailed off, not knowing how to really finish without sounding like a fool, giving a small sigh of both frustration and hesitancy. 

It was an actual shutter that left him, leaving his spine to feel a ticklishly cold sensation.

'What am I saying…?’ He wondered, 'Just where am I even going with this? ’

 Inside his chest, his heart thudded with a wild frenzy. ’Am I actually making such a proclamation? Would she even accept me?’ he wondered with uncertainty. 

‘Now of all times to spew this nonsense…’

In his chest, there was also something there meant for her, a spot his heart had labeled as hers before he could have protested. 

Just like she was, he was aware of it, but unable to truly understand it.

His words made her wounded heart feel warmth, even the ones that were left unsaid. He had revealed enough to let her finish off where he was headed. Unwillingly small tears fell down the sides of her face, falling with barely audible, small pats, decorating the soft colored sheets with dark, little spots.

“You promise?” she said looking towards him with the same joy.  

Small, clear droplets caught his attention and he bowed his head slightly, a smile twitching at his lips, and just like that the feelings of darkness began to wash away from him, replaced with calm warmth instead, all accompanied with a fluttering joy. 

It had never been that easy to get rid of them, but as he continued to look at her, it was like she blew them off, all with a small breath.

“I mean every word of it,” he told her, and though his heart palpitated with the same wildness it had before, it felt strangely welcoming. 

It felt beautiful, unknown, yet beautiful.

There was a silent pause, one filled with comforting quiet, and every second it was unregrettable. 

He wouldn’t change the small moment for anything else in the world, because not even the night sky on its most star-riddled night held as much shining beauty and glory that her twinkling eyes did as he captured her image. 

He couldn’t find a single sight more preprocessing than her. 

Not a single sound more calming than her small breaths.

Not one song more melodic than her lovely voice’s beautiful tune.

- Everything about her left him awestruck.

“Thank you for visiting me Kaz,” she said gratefully. 

She was overjoyed to have his handsome face be the first she recognized once she woke, and much more, the moments that followed.

 It was all worth it. 

It felt like a new beginning for her. 

“Oh! Is this time good for you?”He asked her suddenly, confusing her with the sudden question. “Umm… well, I honestly don’t know what time it is,” she admitted. “I just woke up remember?” she reminded him, “ I’m not even sure if the sun is still out,” she added.

“Oh, of course…” he murmured, feeling stupid. 

Was he rushing things too much?

“It’s 0900… 9 in the morning,” he clarified. “ I was wondering, because…” he said with a partial struggle, “ well…” he said softly, his face feeling warm, visibly glowing pink. “I have time… And I want to make sure you get better. “ He said drifting off. 

“I thought that perhaps you’d get lonely here,” he continued to explain, knowing he was babbling, but not having it in him to stop.

Catching on to what he insinuated, she smiled brightly, “If you have time, I’d love to have you as company,” she said happily, A soft color of petal pink touching her face, the man not being the only one to show soft bashfulness.

“I’ll stay as long as you want me to, “ he told her, using his crutch to push over a vacant chair’s leg to glide it over to where she sat. 

Slowly sitting down on it, soon after offering her a faint smile.

And the words come out naturally from him, enjoying every twitch of her lips as he tried to make her smile. 

It was his mission, because each time she did so, he felt joy rush through him. 

And it wasn’t that he simply cared about her.. he felt so much more than such a meager feeling towards her.

 He wanted to admit that to her, but for the moment, despite knowing he had her forgiveness, he knew he had to make up for all her heartache. 

He had to make up for all his wrongdoings first. 

He’d make certain that pain never found settlement onto her lovely face.

-For now, he’d excuse himself by admitting it was that he cared for her. 

Part 2 ( Optional of course) - [ Sweet melody]

Was that alright? I haven’t found too many fics with the MGS characters…I can’t be the only one to want some.

And of course, the Mr. from earlier did give his own apology. And of course, Mr. Miller proposed his Security team to V. 

[muselover1901]

Preludia

Here’s that big Zenyuki fic I’ve been promising y’all! Big thanks to @puffdragongirl​ for being my ever-patient and amazing beta, and to @rinnychan98​ for making amazing art to match! This AnS minibang has been a TON OF WORK, but it’s really paid off! Spoilers for Ch. 52 and 53, since this is a missing scene fic. Read to the end to see Rinny’s art :)

Also available on AO3 . See end for more notes/links.

Shirayuki hummed, sighing happily as she and Zen made their way back to the banquet, relishing the feeling of her hair tickling the sides of her face, free of the pull of the heavy decorative pins that had adorned it. All night, Raji had seemed jumpy and distant, almost like he was trying to avoid speaking with her. But, when she let her hair down, keeping her promise to show him how much it had grown, he finally relaxed and spoke to her with a voice that rang with sincerity and resolve. How hard he was working, how determined he was to do his best—it made her so happy. He could truly be friend now, even after they’d had such a rocky start to their relationship.

Zen’s cape billowed out behind him as they walked, the edge of the soft fabric catching Shirayuki’s eye and eliciting a soft smile. If she was honest, the best part of this whole coronation ceremony was getting to see Zen absolutely glowing after perfectly executing his duties; the subtle pride with which he carried himself since was captivating, and Shirayuki couldn’t help but admire him.

Intrigued by her smile, Zen playfully leaned over to nudge her shoulder. “You sure look happy, Lady Shirayuki,” he lilted mischievously.

Chuckling a little at his formality, she teasingly leaned back into him as they came to a stop at the banquet hall’s doors. “I am, Prince Zen.”

“Mm. I’m glad to hear it,” he hummed, the warmth in his heart mirrored in his gentle blue eyes as he turned to look at her. From their position behind the large doors, the muffled tones of an energizing waltz made it clear that the dinner portion of the banquet had long since come to an end. The noble guests were using the evening party to mingle and network with each other over drinks and dancing. It was one of the things Zen liked least about balls, and why he had been wandering the halls with his guards when he ran into Shirayuki and Raji. Now though, with Shirayuki by his side, he thought he might actually enjoy a little mingling and dancing, as long as it was with her.

He reached out and pressed on one of the heavy doors, holding it open wide enough so that Shirayuki could pass through without the wide billows of her skirts snagging. As the door closed behind them, Shirayuki’s breath caught at the sight in front of her.

Billowing skirts of every color swirled together as couples sailed across the floor, spinning and twirling to the music to create a whirlpool of tulle and silk. Each couple seemed to dance a little differently, some waltzing side-by-side and others creating miniature eddies as they rotated around each other. Turning her attention to focus on the individual couples, Shirayuki noticed that most appeared to be cordially chatting in between turns, smiling and laughing, yet still looking utterly regal and untouchable in their elegance and skill. This kind of dancing was so much different than what she had experienced at Raji’s ball back in Tanbarun.

Murmuring a quiet wow, she looked back toward Zen before her gaze was once again stolen by the pulsing maelstrom of dancers. “I-Is this a different kind of dancing? It seems a little more chaotic than what I remember doing before.”

“Well…” Zen smiled fondly, “It’s a social dance.”  He moved to stand by her side; she was utterly taken by the entire scene, and it was adorable, “I guess not all events have them, but the ones for really big celebrations usually do. And today is definitely a big celebration kind of day.”

Bright flutes and romantic strings echoed in Zen’s ears, but their timbre seemed peripheral compared to the view at his side. Her eyes twinkled as her irises flitted from one couple to another, lips parted in awe and curved up ever so slightly, her entire being powerfully pulled in, as if the dizzying rotation of the dancers was producing gravity itself. Zen’s heart tugged him toward her, willing him to touch her, to kiss her, to love and cherish her until he—

A stinging cymbal crash, powerful as a breaking wave, rudely shook Zen back to reality and snapped his gaze away from his lover—the song’s finale was underway. He should definitely ask Shirayuki to dance the next one. That was the whole point of coming back in here, after all. But—at the same time, he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. What if she didn’t want to dance? Would she tell him, or would she feel too pressured to refuse him? A warm sweat broke out on the back of his neck and his heart began to accelerate as the music careened toward its final measure. Attempting to contain the blush rising toward his cheeks, he placed one of his hands on his neck. His panic was only worsened when he realized just how clammy that hand was. He sighed in frustration.

“What’s wrong?”

Two perfect eyes scrutinized him, glimmering verdant like the forests that calmed his soul, like the trees he hid in as a child, like the Earth itself. The world was quiet in those eyes. The world was his in those eyes. All traces of tumultuous thoughts were tenderly erased in this precious refuge because here, there was trust. Trust and love and a loyalty that felt too good to be true.

A hand gently pressed into his shoulder. “I, uh… what?” he blinked.

“Are you okay? It sounded like you were upset about something,” Shirayuki prodded, worry clouding her voice as her eyebrows knitted together. The pressure on his shoulder grew. Right. He was freaking out about asking her to dance. But Shirayuki would never lie to him, and she would certainly never think he was a fool. He reached up to the hand that rested on his shoulder, cradling it in his own and grounding himself in reality. The room was a buzz with small talk and thank-yous, so the song must have just finished. Now or never.

“I’m fine, really,” he assured. “Hey…uh… Would you like to dance this next song with me?”

Her eyes widened at the sudden change in topic and her hand dropped from his. “Um, are you sure that would be okay?” She glanced at the floor, shrinking into herself. “I mean, my title got me into the crowning ceremony, but only because Raji was there. I don’t know if it’s good enough on its own for me to dance with the Prince of Clarines at his brother’s coronation ball,” she emphasized nervously, a hint of red dusting her cheeks.

“Well, it is a social dance,” he replied as his cheeks flushed to match hers, “You’re expected to dance with anyone, it’s like a networking thing.” Realizing how business-like that might have sounded, he looked away and scrambled to recover as the strings softly released the first chord of the piece. “Wha-what I mean is… we can dance without people assuming we have romantic intentions. It’s not a formal kind of dance so… I was just thinking it would be fun to dance with you. As long as you’re comfortable with it.”

Without warning, Shirayuki grabbed his wrist, willing his eyes back to hers. Determination and enthusiasm completely lit up her features as she beamed. “Let’s do it then!”

With renewed confidence, Zen took her arm in his and began to lead her to an empty spot on the floor. As they approached the gleaming marble, Shirayuki felt a few anxious butterflies flutter in the pit of her stomach. She really hadn’t danced much since the ball in Tanbarun, and even though she was excited to finally, finally be able to dance with Zen, the public location made her hyperaware of the strict court etiquette expected of her. Even if it was supposed to be a simple social dance, she was determined to do her best and prove herself worthy of standing by Zen’s side someday.

Suddenly, she noticed the warmth of Zen’s arm had left hers; looking up, she realized they had made it to their place on the floor. And—oh—he was bowing toward her. That was a sight. Realizing she needed to return the gesture, she clasped fistfuls of her skirts and curtsied. Zen stepped forward, shyly gazing at the floor and wrapping one hand around her waist before softly clasping her right palm in the other. Bright blue eyes snapped up to meet her own, and in that moment, both the music and her thoughts fell silent. Rippling rainbow reflections from the guests’ clothing swirled across his irises, evoking the shimmer of northern lights over the pristine glacial ponds of Lyrias. Those eyes were peaceful, despite the fierce confidence and determination contained within them. Those eyes inspired her to work harder, to strive for more, to be the best person she could be. Those eyes lit a fire in her heart. And—were those eyes crinkling with a smirk?

Shirayuki yelped as the music swelled and she was swept straight into a spiraling current. She hadn’t expected the song to be so fast. With her vision blurring and head swirling from the maelstrom of colorful silks and ballroom walls, dizziness quickly overtook her and a warm sweat broke across her skin. Mixed with the timbre of the strings was the sly chuckle of her partner, whose smirk had now become a fully-realized mischievous grin as he looked down at her. Incensed at his stunt, she glared back at him as the raucous energy of the music dimmed and he brought her to his side for a brief dip. She hoped that her disapproval was reflected in her face the same way Kiki’s was when she gave Obi a scolding.

“Sorry,” Zen laughed nervously as he ended their brief break with a turn before reconnecting. “I’ve known this song since I was a toddler. My mom actually used to surprise me just like that when we danced to it at my first couple balls, so I couldn’t resist.”

Shirayuki valiantly tried to maintain her stubborn expression, but the nostalgia in his voice coupled with the thought of little Zen being spun around by his mother chipped away at her resolve. Her lips quirked into a small smile.

“Well, you definitely surprised me…” she admitted, “but at least the music is slower now. You’re a much better dancer than I am!”

“Thanks, but you should give yourself more credit,” Zen smiled and looked over his shoulder to avoid bumping into another couple. “You handled that surprise pretty well!”

As they continued rotating around each other, Zen could feel Shirayuki relaxing in his arms as she settled into the flow of the new tempo. To be honest, he still felt a bit guilty for surprising her. Shirayuki’s yelp had been way too cute, though—and despite knowing how much she would hate him for it, his heart yearned to hear that yelp again.

As if responding to his thoughts, the principal violinist led the rest of the orchestra into a powerful crescendo, and Zen readied himself to follow the cue.

“You know Zen, I think I can handle th—” Shirayuki was promptly cut off as Zen’s smirk returned and he broadened his steps, successfully surprising his partner once again and eliciting another adorable yelp followed by an even more adorable giggle. This time, however, the momentum from the spiraling current swept Shirayuki’s feet out from under her, causing both partners to stumble. Gripping her hand tightly, Zen wrapped his right arm further around her waist and pulled her flush against his chest before righting himself.

“A-are you okay? I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I thought that was a good idea.”

“I—uh—yeah I’m okay,” Shirayuki mumbled, a hot blush pricking her cheeks as she realized Zen was practically hugging her to bring her upright. If she would have looked up to meet his eyes, she would have noticed that a similar red dappled his cheekbones as he also became aware of their shared closeness. He coughed and returned them to a normal waltz posture before resuming their dance, this time with much more leisurely steps.

“I’m sorry I messed that up, Zen,” Shirayuki sighed.

“You shouldn’t be sorry, it was my fault—”

“No, it wasn’t,” Shirayuki shook her head, “I should have expected it, but I’m pretty inexperienced. Sorry I’m not a better partner.”

Zen was taken aback. Shirayuki had seemed so enthusiastic and determined when she’d agreed to dance with him, and she’d even held her own when he surprised her; but now, it seemed the wind had left her sails a little.

“Hey, I think you’re being too hard on yourself,” he dipped his head, pulling her eyes back up to his. “After all,” he smiled sympathetically, “I’m the one being a jerk and throwing you off.” Shirayuki seemed to ease up a little at this, so Zen continued, “Try not to worry so much about whether you’re doing the footwork correctly—just have fun with the music! And I’ll try to be more…consistent.”

Raising an eyebrow, Shirayuki regarded him skeptically. “I’m serious!” he pressed before briefly glancing over his shoulder to avoid what looked to be a slightly inebriated couple. “With social dancing there’s really no right or wrong way to do it. I’m sorry I gave you the wrong impression.”

“But—I’m following your lead, right?” Shirayuki pressed, eyebrows still furrowed, “Doesn’t that mean if I don’t match you, I’ve messed up? I remember the dance teacher telling me something like that when I was training for Raji’s ball.”

“Not at all!” Zen blurted, finally realizing why Shirayuki seemed so dejected. “Social dancing is about being a team. We both get to make suggestions for what we want to do.”

“Hmm. How am I supposed to do that?”

Zen paused and shifted his focus from their conversation to the musicians. The pulse was gentle, each phrase punctuated with the delicate footsteps of an oboe, like a child playfully running to catch up. Perfect.

“Do you hear that oboe?” Zen asked. Shirayuki hesitated for a second, but nodded in response. “Try moving just your body in a way that matches how it feels.”

“That sounds weird, but okay,” Shirayuki shrugged. She didn’t have enough dance experience to feel like she had any sense of musicality, at least not with waltzing. Town festival dancing was more her style. She swallowed hard, hoping her instincts wouldn’t make her look too uncultured.

“Alright then,” Zen started, moving to dance by her side, “I’ll give you a little more room, just try stuff! Don’t worry about making it perfect.”

Shirayuki returned his glowing smile as convincingly as she could. Glancing at the floor, she took a deep breath, forced her shoulders to relax, and softened her gaze to focus on the music. Almost immediately, she noticed the oboe that Zen had been talking about—it was small, almost playful—her mind brought forth an old memory of dancing at the festival in Tanbarun about a year before she left. The music was buoyant and joyous, and the citizens of the town had linked hands to form a circle of dancers. A little girl around four years old gripped Shirayuki’s right hand and bounced excitedly as everyone skipped and tapped their toes in and out of the circle.

With this memory filling her heart, Shirayuki took a sweeping step and delicately presented her toe before hitching it back to point at her ankle. The timing wasn’t quite right, though, and Zen hesitated a little before getting back in step with her.

“Sorry,” she mumbled. Zen turned to look at her reassuringly.

“That was totally fine! I just wasn’t paying close enough attention. Try again!” he encouraged. Shirayuki nervously smiled back at him and exhaled in a puff of air before briefly closing her eyes to find her place in the music. This time, she pointed her toe just a little earlier, and with slightly more gusto. To her surprise, it worked perfectly.

“Zen! I did it!” She beamed, sending his heart racing.

“Yes! That was great! You’re much better at this than you give yourself credit for,” Zen grinned back at her. He swore that smile of hers would be the death of him. Shirayuki was utterly amazing, jumping headfirst into challenges and overcoming them with sheer wit and perseverance. Even after all this time, she still inspired him. He had no idea how he’d gotten so lucky. Wanting to reward her for her effort, Zen urged her to try her little move again. Shirayuki obliged, but this time she was surprised to find her prince mirroring her footwork, exactly in time with hers.

“How did you do that?!” Shirayuki exclaimed, “You just copied me perfectly!”

Zen chuckled before replying with a smirk, “Well, I’ve had a lot of practice following your lead, even if it wasn’t on the dance floor.”

Shirayuki’s cheeks prickled with color and she tried to conceal her smile at his flattery. The music swelled yet again, and Zen reached toward her, grasping her free hand in his and bringing her around to face him once more. As if the musicians had seen their little moment of improvisation, the music changed tone, becoming flirtatious and bursting with lilting, bouncy notes.

Taking a cue from the music, Zen and Shirayuki’s dance quickly devolved into a game of cat and mouse. Both partners tried to outdo the other, coyly punctuating the phrases with whatever over-the-top moves they could conjure. Zen swept Shirayuki into amorous dips and flashy spins, and Shirayuki responded with coquettish skirt swishes and bold brushes of her hand along his arm. More than once, she sent him lingering glances from beneath her lashes, each of which sent his heart into a frenzy. After a few minutes of this, they found themselves nearly doubling over, laughing at their own antics. With her earlier anxiety long forgotten, Shirayuki melted into Zen’s arms, breathless and pink and perfectly comfortable being herself. Feeling emboldened from all the flirting, Zen held her a little closer as they made their way around the ballroom floor, cheeks aching from smiling so much.

Hearts full and beating as one, they were untouchable. Wrapped in each other’s arms, floating with the spiraling currents and navigating the whirlpools, they could almost glimpse their future unfolding. It was reflected in their eyes, as they softly gazed at each other, as if they were the only people in the room. It was reflected in their steps, as they confidently moved forward, each having an equal say in their direction. And it was reflected in their smiles, as they gently inspired each other to work hard and love even harder.

“Zen?” Shirayuki murmured, prompting the prince’s eyebrows to raise before he leaned closer to hear her more clearly. She continued in a hushed tone, careful to keep the words between them, “Thank you for asking me to dance. It seems like every time I take your hand, it leads to something wonderful.”

Zen’s breath caught in his throat, and he looked down to meet her eyes, honestly a little dumbstruck from her declaration. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he leaned down to whisper in her ear, “I couldn’t have asked for a better partner.”

A wobbly smile graced Shirayuki’s lips as the song swelled into its finale, signaling the end of their dance. Zen spun her once, twice, before bringing her to rest against him in a tender dip. As he returned her upright, she flung her arms around him to hug him tightly, burying her face into his neck. With not a single care for the nobles watching him, Zen returned her embrace, discretely pressing his lips into the soft skin between her neck and shoulder and sighing before pulling back to take her arm and lead her off the dance floor. Although their dance had come to an end, they both knew their future would hold many, many more; and this shared knowledge drove them forward, each step pushing onward to the rest of the night—and the rest of their lives.

Because I'm a huge nerd and this is a dance fic, I chose songs to help me write the two dance scenes you saw. The first one is the Final Waltz from Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker. The second one (where our duo dances) is Emporer Waltz by James Horner. If you'd like to have a listen, YouTube links are here!

https://youtu.be/B30dXmql1Gc

https://youtu.be/iPSOiPZJfb8

[errantabbot]

All Saints and Souls: An Address

Within the comparative religious circles in which I run, there’s a turn of phrase common to examining religious practice that I’ve become quite fond of, finding it exceptionally to the point, namely that of the “primal wound of consciousness.” 

In essence, this “primal wound” is a meta-awareness that we are alive, coupled with the understanding that alive-ness itself is inextricably interlinked with death. It’s primal because this dual awareness is a fundamental building block in the very structure of consciousness, and it’s a wound because it predicates dis-ease. 

From time immemorial the response to this primal wound has been to look outside of oneself for a possible solution, be it a grasping for eternity, or a shouting into the cosmos as a plea for understanding; religion as a whole has its raison d’etre rooted entirely in seeking a balm for this primal wound, and as it has evolved, in blunting some of the pointed difficulties that occur in the space between birth and death. There’s no doubt in my mind that our gathering together here each Sunday, and especially today as we obverse All Saints/All Souls Day, is an expression of religion of this sort. Our awareness of death and the losses it leaves in its wake is the usually unspoken, but plainly clear topic of the day. In the Judeo-Christian tradition we’re taught that humanity was created for an eternal life of bliss and ease in deep union with the divine. And yet, we’ve found ourselves, scripture says, subject to death, discomfort, and disunion; an unnatural reality given as result for somehow missing the mark in our former arrangement. Now, whether we approach this literally, allegorically, or even, not much at all, this supposition underlies most of our psyches, and we hope for one version of the biblical reward for faithfulness during our seemingly now fleeting lives, namely entry into heaven upon our death in this world. As a contemplative, I think it’s important that we not let these often subconscious suppositions go unchecked, and in reality, that’s what named days of reflection like this one are for, albeit usually with the intention of reinforcing dogma, and doctrine, rather than for posing question and evoking mysterious uncertainty. And of these two roads, I think that most of you know which one I am inclined to take. As you may remember, I was out of town last weekend traveling to Atlanta to open a new Meditation Monastery, and I distinctly recall the wondrous display of colors that the trees in Kansas City were projecting into the sky both on take-off and landing. It was truly stunning. The irony of fall, is that so many of us celebrate the very thing that cripples our tongues when viewed as a lens to our own experience. We have mazes cut through dead corn fields, falling temperatures that rid us of biting insects for a time, and of course, the color show that is put on especially well by our local foliage. We have fall themed coffee shop drinks, window clings, cupcakes, sprinkles in the shape of dead leaves, and memes galore that really seem to me more as memento mori – festive reminders of life’s transience, than anything else. Perhaps though, most of us don’t view them as such because we have faith that these things are ultimately but a sign of renewal. The trees bud, blossom, and bloom with new foliage, grasses push through the recently frozen ground, the crickets, cicadas, and yes, mosquitos all return. I find that most of us view ourselves similarly, as destined to whether, and destined to return- something of a staunch departure from our usual human lot of viewing ourselves as stewards of nature at best, and at worst, as distinct and separate from it. Alas, in examining such things, cognitive dissonance tends to kick in. After all, it’s not really as though each leaf that falls is really reanimated upon the tree branch, nor the blades of grass, stalks of corn, nor the chirps, buzzes, and bites of the crickets, cicadas, and mosquitos. Each comes in successorship, as part of an intimately interwoven fabric of reality, wherein the fallen leaves serve to nourish the ground with nitrogen and leaf mold that then becomes the nutrients trees use to bloom once again into our familiar spring waves of greenery. Beyond this ecological reality, modern evolutionary science has poked a gaping hole in any literal understanding of the Garden of Eden story. Not only were modern humans not created as finished products, two in number that came to populate the earth, but too humans did not name all of creation in primeval history, rather the creation of primeval history gave rise to humans. Certainly, humans weren’t uniquely created to live in paradise eternally. But we do seem to have evolved uniquely hardwired to seek eternity. Back in 2010 “The Onion” produced a very poignant piece of satire, entitled “Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday,” the opening line of which read: “Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.” Interestingly enough, scientists were non-satirically able to have a discussion about death with Koko, the famed sign-language utilizing gorilla. Koko’s caretaker once showed the gorilla a skeleton and asked, “Is this alive or dead?” Koko signed, “Dead, draped.” “Draped” means “covered up.” Then the caregiver asked, “Where do animals go when they die?” Koko said, “A comfortable hole.” Then she gave a kiss goodbye. I don’t know about you, but I find as much beauty in that short, primatial dispensation as I do in admiring the fall leaves from several thousand feet. It’s simple, it’s raw, and it rings true, no exegesis needed. But, in light of all of this talk about primal wounds, and evolutionary biology, where does that leave religions, saints, and souls? It’s a fair question, and one that I fear not enough theologians are seriously engaging, let alone speaking toward. But, the fact of the matter is, if theology is to remain relevant in our emerging world, it must remain poised and confident to thrust itself into the unknown, as it always did in yonder days. If not more humbled than in the past. Cliff noted last week that this observance of All Saints/All Souls day is one of his favorite in the liturgical calendar. It’s one of mine too. However, I must admit that when I bring photos of my loved ones and ancestors to place upon the altar and reflect upon, I don’t do so out of some hope of praying for the repose of their souls, that is for their rest, tranquility, and ease. I suspect they’re accomplishing that quite well on their own. Rather, I do so to intentionally bask in the fullness of life, the known and the unknown, the coming, and the going, the joy, and the sorrow, and deep appreciation for the whole beautiful mess. I do so to remember- to remember that in the realm of the known, no one really just disappears, or goes away. We just have to turn our gaze inward rather than outward to find them after a certain time, the sad reality being that we so often forget that portion of ourselves and our loved ones while they’re expressed outwardly and visibly. After all, we exist not apart from them, neither metaphorically, nor literally. And so, perhaps humanity does stretch into eternity after all, if not created for eternity, then born into and from its all-transcending stream. In closing, I’m reminded of the most iconic verse of the 13th Century Japanese Zen monk Dogen Kigen who once wrote” “Life and death are of supreme importance. Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost. Each of us should strive to awaken. Awaken! Take heed, do not squander your life.” What is that opportunity? What is it that Dogen is inviting us to awaken to? I’d argue that it’s just this. The opportunity for us to reflect on who and what we are, where we come from, where we’re going, and where we fit into the whole Communion of Saints, now and ever. This is the balm of religion, knowing beyond words and intellectual constructs, and remembrance. [Pointing toward the memorial altar:] As the Jewish people so wonderfully put it, “May their memory be for us a blessing.” ~Sunyananda November 11th 2018

[sandssavvy]

I made a new playlist on 8tracks for Critical Role "Your Dual Nature" a playlist for Vax'ildan by sandssavvy. The amazingly gorgeous fanart is by Mikandii (with permission).

It is also on spotify here:

https://open.spotify.com/user/sandssavvy/playlist/0tHlfQXpQZ2gn6gNPds4Eo

Unfortunately spotify doesn’t have annotations I can add for the tracks. So I am putting the song titles and the annotations behind the cut.

1 “Hercules” by Sara Bareilles

(Young Vax struggling with his past and depression. He knows he isn't the strongest or most powerful member of Vox Machina, but he strives to become stronger like his friends.)

2 “Face Your Fears (feat. Donna Lynn Champlin)” from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend OST

(This is like the song of Vax's terrible advice. "if someone pulls a gun on me I pull out my knife" stand your ground against bears (they aren't all Trinket, Vax!), Fly off a building. Seriously though, his advice for not being afraid that he shares is worrying.)

3 ″I Didn't Plan it” by Sara Bareilles

(Vax often tries his best but makes huge mistakes. He isn't the only one in VM to do this, but his are.. obvious. Vax knows himself and why his friends make him use "jenga")

4 “Some Nights” by FUN

(Post Briarwood post Conclave Vax. Unsure of himself and his path. "What do I stand for?... Most nights I don't know anymore." "Some nights I wish that this song would end. Cause I could use some friends for a change.")

5 “Things we Lost in the Fire” by Bastille

(Post Conclave attack on Emon. Realizing that the twins have lost everything to the same villain again. "Things we lost to the flame, Things we'll never see again, All that we've amassed, Sits before us, shattered into ash" Not to mention their fear that they somehow brought this fate upon their new home.)

6 “Sorrow” by The National

(Oh look another Vax depression song. Also, about how he hasn't really recovered form losing his mother so abruptly. Not to mention seeing Vex fallen. He would truly have half a heart without his twin.)

7 “Who did That to You” by John Legend

(Vengeance Paladin Vax)

8 Gettin' Bi (feat. Pete Gardner) from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend OST

(I needed to use a more lighthearted Vax suitable song.)

9 “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” The Smiths

(Post Conclave Vax. His feelings on how much he and the rest of the members of Vox Machina need a rest from constant trauma.)

10 “Little Lion Man” by Mumford & Sons

(There's a lot of reasons I associate this with Vax. "Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head" fits him to a T. I see this as post Raishan battle I. Realizing his revenge didn't fix how much he misses his mother. And witnessing the chaos and destruction around him.)

11 “Wounded Wing” by The Duke Spirit

12 “If I Walk Away” by Josh Groban

(Not just about the running gag of Vax walking away from conversations he doesn't want to have. Also about Scanlan leaving him behind (the part about songs) and the future he is planning with Keyleth. Vax is trying to grab his happiness. "Walk away ,Let the fear fall away, Into the fire you made, Scarlet and gold, Walk away, Head for the light of day ,Follow a brighter way, Out of the cold and dark ,Down to the one bright spark ,Futures that all might start, Someday")

13 “True Colors” by Zedd & Ke$ha 

(For all that Vax stumbles and isn't the best at emotional conversations, he is determined to not hide his feelings and problems from his friends anymore after his confrontation with Scanlan. Realizing the damage it could do to his friendships if he bottles everything up. "All my life, one page at a time, I'll show you my, my true colors")

14 “Icarus” by Bastille

(Vax has a tendancy to brush close to death and come out the other side. But he is far too like Icarus at times. "Icarus is flying too close to the sun, And Icarus's life, it has only just begun, This is how it feels to take a fall, Icarus is flying towards an early grave")

15 “Land of the Living” by Matthew Perryman Jones

("Oh you cannot love in moderation" There are so many reasons why this song fits Vax. But I am really hoping it fits Vax's story for episode 88)      

[thesoulpatch-blog1]

Intro to Spirituality

Spirituality is a complex word. It means many different things at once and is a concept that all of humanity must bear. We will never understand what it means in our lifetime, and likely not even in death. To me, spirituality is what makes one human. The fact that every man and woman has a spiritual experience in their time on Earth is what lets me know that we are equals. We’re one big school of fish. We’ll never escape the depths we dragged our spirits into in the world we created. We see massive amounts of violence, poverty, and hatred everywhere we look. Those things bear weight on our souls each and every day. But our souls can be uplifted just as easily through love and compassion from our neighbors. We cannot forget what love can do. We cannot forget to continue doing the uplifting things we do every day. But our world is ultimately attempting to kill spirituality, and thus kill every human to someday walk on this sacred ground. I think the time has come to focus on thwarting that plan.

Even some of the axioms of our culture have hateful implications. We assume pink is a girl’s color and boys can’t play with dolls. We tend to be confused when women have short hair. For some reason, a cop playing basketball with black children is worthy of going viral, met with sounds of praise for a cop who just wasn’t racist. Oh, look! A cop who likes black kids! See, now it’s okay that Tamir Rice died, because this other cop isn’t a racist. The problem isn’t racist cops, the problem is a racist assumption being made in the first place. For example, the assumption that a 12 year old black boy out late in the city must be committing crimes and so you pull a gun on him. I once lived with a black man from the Bay area who referred to being stopped by the police as “getting a WWB (Walking While Black).” He had been stopped and accused of crimes he did not commit multiple times while just walking down the street, and multiple more when behind the wheel. If you deny the reality of police bias, you are contributing to the racism ingrained in our society and thus our brains. We have willingly accepted these hateful assumptions as truth, and it has ruined us in so many ways. Our spirits are starting from square one at this point in history, but we can better things for the future. It begins with forgetting everything we know. We have lived in a world geared toward killing the spirit and we have believed in it. It’s time to begin being skeptical of the things we know. We can and must begin believing in something new. Whether it be Christ, Allah, or anything else, we’re all talking about the same thing. It’s love and compassion, and we can’t make any progress if we don’t believe in that.

Whether we like it or not, one of the world’s most drastic changes is coming. It is a very dark place we will enter. Perhaps the darkest of dark ages. There is a pool of ignorance that our nation is drowning in deeper than we can fathom. We are fooled constantly by those who have benefited and profited from our lack of awareness of the world around us. Americans have no say in many of the things they claim to be passionate about. We are so entitled that we take that entitlement as inherent. Entitlement has bred nationalism of a spectacular degree. Even those on the rational side of the aisle are there for the wrong reasons. So where do we go from here?

Firstly, we go spiraling downward into the abyss we have dug ourselves. Only when we reach the bottom can we search for materials to build our way out. When we each hit rock bottom after spending so much time in the clouds, the time of enlightenment will be upon us. It’s easy in a time like this to place blame elsewhere. Establishment, billionaire class, immigrants, Republicans, Democrats, terrorists, poor people, and most importantly, anyone but one’s self. But the (hopefully) temporary struggle of humanity is the fault of humanity itself, and no one person is absolved of blame. This chapter of our world’s timeline is the result of the entirety of that timeline so far. I don’t have to tell you the specific actions necessary to save yourself, because if you’re a positive contribution to the world that will rise from the ashes, you’ll simply know the right actions when they are upon you.

Preventing this disaster truly was as simple as doing the right thing, but rarely does the right thing feel good. In order to rebuild a world that we can all share peacefully, we all must do the right thing time and time again. That means hardship beyond the hardship. It means that when you go from having everything to having nothing to having a little, you must share what little you have with those who still have nothing, whether they had anything to begin with or not. Your personal window of opportunity may open long before many others, but you can’t go through it until it is big enough for everyone to come with you. There are some that will not understand this. They will try to climb the ladder out of the abyss before we have built a sturdy one. And they will likely fall to their death. We cannot create a world anything like this one if we hope for it to flourish. A world like our current one can only lead to the same demise we’re about to experience.

In this time of hardship, we only have each other. Those who wish to be saved will join a community of love and compassion for your fellow human and your planet, knowing that is the only true security where we’re heading. Those who are left behind will choose another path, and it is with great sorrow that we must condemn them. The rapture is coming, but it’s not as simple as the godly people disappearing to heaven one day. Heaven is earned, and heaven is achievable only in our hearts. Those who do not strive for a heavenly life for all are those who will be cast into eternal damnation. The simplest advice I can offer to save oneself is to begin to live with unconditional honesty, integrity, and to ask yourself at every turn: “What would Jesus do?” The answer is not as simple as we’d like to believe. But if we can apply that question to every aspect of the world around us and answer it honestly, then we will prosper as a species. The kingdom of heaven is upon us. We must come to truly know our souls to achieve it. But you won’t do that thumping a bible.

We intend to link the political and social aspects of our world to the concept of spirituality. Humanity is hurting because humanity stopped believing in itself. But the world that caused that phenomenon is about to be killed by the spirit. The spirit is complex. It holds immense power. The spirit is truly the greatest creation of the known universe. Whatever the spirit is, it is the answer to our existence. It is why we’re here. You cannot keep it at bay forever, and the time is coming for it to break its chains. These are not chains that have bounded us, but chains we have submitted to. We accepted hateful assumptions to be inherently true and allowed them to shape how society treats its members. The oppressed will not stay that way. Those who believe in the spirit will rise against those who beg for the chains; those are the people who believe we are evil creatures. But the spirit is good and only good. If you want to live life, actually live it, you will embrace the spirit. You will condemn the words of anyone who claims we need controlled to be good. Control and false truths have raped us. We have collectively lost what’s made us human.

I believe that all major events can be connected to the battle between the spirit and our current society. I think this point in time has identified three important players: The Spirit, The People, and The Enemy. The Spirit is what I've rambled about this whole time, and I hope I have conveyed what I believe it can be. The Enemy is any energy, idea, or life force that beats down the spirit and discourages its existence. The People are simply the prize to be won. Our physical being. We can be taken by The Spirit and allow real freedom for ourselves and our descendants, or we can watch The Enemy prevail and essentially, or literally, enslave the human population. Be honest with yourself and others, spread love everywhere you go, and learn everything you can. Times are changing, and we can only fix this place by doing the right thing every chance we get.

[nikkireedsource]

HOW NIKKI REED LIVES A GREENER LIFE

Original article

The Golden State native shares the sustainable products she’s loving and what she’s growing in her garden

Words by MARIE LOOK

“I grew up outdoors,” says Nikki Reed, the multihyphenate actor, screenwriter, singer/songwriter, designer and environmental activist. “We didn’t have a lot of money, so nature was our inspiration and place to play. I bounced back and forth between a crowded residential neighborhood and a tiny Venice home by the boardwalk.”

Reed, a native Californian started her sustainable apparel and accessories brand, BaYou With Love in 2017, but in her latest project, she is teaming up with lifestyle clothing brand UpWest. To coincide with Earth Month, the longtime environmental advocate and the comfy-casualwear label have designed a T-shirt capsule, the net proceeds of which will benefit, through June, the eco-minded nonprofit that bears the name of Reed’s husband, fellow actor Ian Somerhalder.

Made with fabric crafted from recycled bottles, the men’s and women’s tees feature statement-making slogans (such as “Don’t Trash My Mother”), come in relaxed fits in neutral colors, and will contribute in part to the Ian Somerhalder Foundation’s commitment to providing public outreach, education and grants in support of all things environmental, including climate issues.

We asked the entrepreneur to share some of the sustainable brands she can’t live without, what she’s currently growing in her garden at home, and her personal rituals for appreciating the natural world around her.

What ignited your passion for the environment? It all started with animal rescue. I grew up in a household that welcomed any living thing, so we had a tremendous amount of love and compassion in our home. As I got older, I started to recognize the interconnection between humans, the earth and animals. It’s impossible to care about only one if you really think about it.

Do you have a personal ritual for expressing gratitude to Mother Earth? I have quiet time with a cup or two of tea every morning. I try to take that time to set up my day, get organized and stay grateful. I have been going on nature walks with my little one every day, which always brings so much joy. Funny how we all feel better when we’re more connected to nature.

What do you appreciate most about this state’s natural beauty? I have always loved animals, the outdoors, the ocean, hiking. Nature is the backbone of everything I create with my company, BaYou With Love, and through my photography for the company, I strive to find beauty in places we often overlook.

Are there other Californians championing the environment who inspire you? My dear friend Shai Woodley is just a force. There is no one with her level of passion and commitment, and I’m inspired by her daily.

How much do you consider yourself a city girl? I moved out of the city about six years ago, and it was the best choice I’ve ever made. It’s a lifestyle commitment, meaning you’re far away from everything, including work, but it’s worth the extra travel time. I want to be away from cell towers and 5G. I want to smell fresh air. I don’t miss the sounds of honking cars and sirens.

What are you growing in your home garden? We have edible wildflowers in one box, and kale, chard, tomatoes and lettuce on the other side. We also have a few lemon trees and rosemary bushes, which smell so nice.

Is there a beach, hike or park you miss most right now? I love every beach and hiking trail. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time with my brother, surfing at Point Dume Beach, but I haven’t been in years. I owe Point Dume a visit.

What attracted you to UpWest as a partner? What they make is so beautiful. Cozy, comfy, outdoor-chic is my dream wardrobe. Diving a little deeper, I will say that at this stage in my life I only want to collaborate with brands who are morally aligned with my vision for a sustainable future in fashion. I love working with companies that strive to bring sustainability into their brand. I believe in progress, not perfection, and I think it is important for those of us who truly care about the planet to applaud incremental change. I think we can all learn from each other, and I really appreciate the UpWest team for caring so deeply about my need for recycled fabrics and materials in this collaboration.

What’s the philosophy behind the Ian Somerhalder Foundation? The mission of the foundation is to empower our youth, and educate people to make changes in their lifestyle which will benefit the environment!

How does BaYou With Love practice sustainability? We use all recycled gold, specifically recycled gold found in technology through our partnership with Dell. We produce everything in Los Angeles, so our carbon footprint is drastically reduced. We use a factory that recycles all of their water, which is huge for us. We are also conscious of our sourcing. We try to use stones only mined with sustainable practices, and we also give our customers the option to go with a diamond grown above ground using solar energy in California!

Which recent BaYou With Love item are you currently obsessed with? Gah! Everything. But I am biased, because I design it all. I love the Gold Ball Huggies, because I am a sucker for an everyday piece you never have to take off. I love our textured wedding bands, and our Opal Drop Pendant Earrings.

What other accessories or clothing have you been staying comfortable in lately? I LOVE the chambray set from UpWest! Perfect for lounging and sitting in front of my computer, writing. And BaYou With Love is gearing up to launch sustainable yoga apparel, so I’ve been living in that as well!

How about sustainable brands for children, or for pets? In addition to the BaYou With Love organic baby clothes we launched last year, my go-to’s include Summer & Storm, and 12|12! Found My Animal is my favorite line for pets!

Which skincare, haircare or cosmetics brands do you rely on? I love Plantfolk, Beautycounter and Poppy & Someday. I love being able to pronounce all of the ingredients in the products I put on my face and body! I subscribe to the belief that we should be as conscious of skin’s health as we are of our internal health. People have started prioritizing eating local or organic when they can, which is amazing, but I think we should also consider what we are putting on our skin as well!

What are other ways to keep the environment in mind when online shopping? Shopping local is one great way to consider the planet. Also searching for brands that use eco-friendly packaging, or even better, no inside packaging! You can also write to your favorite online retailers with ideas for how to minimize waste!

What are your must-have household products? I use vinegar for almost everything cleaning-related. I also love adding essential oils to water for the added benefits as well as scent. I love a linen company called Dazed But Amazed for my bedding. The founder [Jes Saddington] is amazing, and her hand-dyed linens are spectacular. I make my own candles using old ceramic cups my grandmother made when she was still working as a ceramicist. I love repurposing vintage pieces.

Any other eco-conscious habits at home? I’m conscious of water, so I don’t leave the tap running as I wash dishes. I do all of our laundry on speed cycle. Composting is big in this household! We shop from a local farm for all veggies, which helps minimize plastic use! And of course we bring our own bags!

[d4rtharmony-blog]

POEMS

Epiphany -Angel Vonne A. Leroan Your smile shines as the sun rises towards the horizon; Your eyes curves with the deepest color of the oceans, As I look at your face, The sweetest look that you've made-- Leaves perplex about the rushing feeling towards my veins. Keeps wondering what you truly are to me, Watching you from afar-- Knowing you could not notice me, A pang of pain appeared to my face down to my chest. How should I dry these tears up? Oh love! Hear this clarion beating of my chest This feeling is ineffable Your smile will always be invariable I'm now giving up and letting you go, Because of this epiphany; that I will never be yours Just looking straight to my eyes, I know you will never get to realize.

Worth Dreaming -Angel Vonne A. Leroan Dreaming is living Fighting is striving Hoping and believing That life is worth dreaming Be an inspiration Inculate your every action; To obtain the best recognition Forthe future's best decision. We make our choices We work for it's process Making a life with sense Needed to ensure for future's good success. LOVING A MOTHER -Angel Vonne A. Leroan When I open my eyes It was all covered with white Infront of me standing, The woman who brought me to life From her wombs I was taken out Carried me within her arms Caressed my cheeks down to my hands The loving kindness of my mothers beautiful mundane glands. An anguish cry of a baby in its crib at night Providing all its need through out its daily life Letting it live from daylight til' night light The flowers bloomed and so as I I was tyro in everything back then Became the man, you wanted my dreams to fly Now that I've reached it Aiming high for you to rest and be happy, In all the days of your life I may be footle at times But I lpve you from the deepest part of ny heart. Home and House -Erica Mae E. Igbalic A house is a place where we stay. It is a shelter. It is a place where we are safe, where we can be comfortable and where we can do anything we want. But a home is our haven. A place full of memories. Our home is the witness on each gathering a family shares. A house maybe a building but a home is a feeling. Ready for Tomorrow -Erica Mae E. Igbalic Here we are on an another journey Facing new challenges and trials fearlessly Striving hard for reaching goals Hearing the future calls Here depends our tomorrow Throw the negativity and sorrow Don't be recreant, don't be coward For it will not lead you forward Ready your self for this world is arduous Be like a rock, be strenuous Step up! Move forward, destiny is calling you Destiny for a halcyon and prosperous you Your Defender -Erica Mae E. Igbalic I can be your shinning armor Your though and stalwart protector Never leaves your back I'll be strong for you, like a rock Don't be afraid, hide behind me I'll fray them until they flee You have me, be fear free Never bend your knee to your enemy! But! Remember, I can't always be there You're like me, though, don't scare I know, you are bold! You're Gods child, rigidly mold! When You Happen To Me -Kaye Patricia Pasicaran I was planning how I’ll spend my life done When suddenly I got hit by a stone It came out of nowhere, someone throw it for fun Not knowing that single hit, well change my whole plan Before, all I dreamed about is flying Now, I am dreaming about failing Back then, all I want is to be free Now, what I want is someone to catch me When it rains, I just need my blanket to be warm Now why I longing to be wrapped in someone’s arms? When I want to sleep, I just turn off the lights Now why do I want someone to kiss me goodnight? Now suddenly I’m searching for the piece that would fit I used to say “Being on my own is just fine” Now suddenly I’m looking for someone I can call mine Before, It was a matter of “ME, MYSELF, AND I” Now if I say it’s still that way, I would lie Before, I insisted “I never needed you” Now if I say that, then it cannot be true Everyday I’m changing in every single way I don’t know and I’m worried if this is okay ‘Cause I’m facing every part of what I have been I’m scared ‘cause now I’m seeing what my eyes have never seen I know that I’m not my old self anymore I completely forgotten who I am before I swear I didn’t mean to change who I used to be But it just so happen that “YOU” happen to me Confused -Kaye Patricia Pasicaran Every step, Every word With every hour I’m falling in To something new, Something brave To someone I have never been I can’t decide What’s wrong, what’s right Which way should I go? Alphabetical Protest -Kaye Patricia Pasicaran Dear you traitor who feels me ANIMOSITY I’m going to act a little BAWDY When it comes to you, there’s no space for COURTESY, For a person like you who did all things DUSKILY I’ll show and tell your secrets EXPERTLY That you’re not good because you are FILTHY Behind that image of yours being so GENTEEL, Your soul deserves to burnt in HELL IGNOMINIOUS, JUANDICED, KNAVE, LETHARGY, MISLEADING... You’re not NIMBLE in justice giving... Very slow in helping the OPPRESSED, You’re so evil to practice PREJUDICE QUITE to what is RIGHT! SILENT to what is TRUE! UNDENIABLY VILLAIN to people’s WISH X-tracting the YEARN of reaching there ZENITH HOME -Stephan Marr D. Anoling A home can be made of sticks and mud Or great big blocks of snow A home can be twenty stories tall Or in the ground below A home can be way up on hill Or next to the ocean wide A home can be mill above Or a chimney on it’s side A home can be where you’re safe and sound Or with family, friends and more A home can be where you have your heart And all you adore ENJOY -Stephan Marr A. Anoling Enjoy every moment in our life every day Take time be free and play Enjoy the time when all goes well, and when it’s bad, do not dwell Enjoy every seconds that your heart beat that willing to give Make count of it, as long as we live Being hurt only makes you grow The more you fail the more you’ll know When you lose then try to gain again The best lessons are learned through pain Wonderful thing -Stephan Marr D. Anoling “Love is just a game without pain” that’s what people around me sayin’ But if it’s me you keep asking, I must say it’s a wonderful thing Something kind, special and sweet Most of the time, you barely eat Something unique, honest and true, Something you can say that’s for you Happy thoughts together we make Sad moments we shun and hate Destiny is what I’ve known, for someday our love will just go with the flow Wonderful things we always do, and one day we will both say “IDO” FROM: d4tharmony -Angel Vonne A. Leroan -Erica Mae E. Igbalic -Kaye Patricia Pasicaran -Stephan Marr D. Anoling Grade 11- Carl Rogers