#try not to cry challenge atp | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

by-kilian · 1 year

Note

It’s ur “💙” anon coming with part 2 bc she definitely can

Now you see i can’t send photos or gifs but I’ll link them nonetheless u can’t stop me. https://giphy.com/gifs/rihanna-OTbo92zetdsha

Again folks big spoiler alert.

Okay now yelena and levi’s first scene.. um.. why.. why is every possible character so hot dude like!!?!?!!?? I just can’t pick a side without making excuses for the others ughh

“My time in the military shaped me, you know?” She paused. “I had to take lives,” she said in a hushed voice. “Do you know what that’s like?” The switchblade grew heavier in Levi’s pocket. Then an air of understanding passed between him and Yelena in the silence. Levi dipped his hand into his pocket. “Yes.”

This scene… the tension.. i felt everything in every single part of my body istg KW i was screaming and jumping while chewing on my nails until i reached skin it was this good!! I really loved the way they just understood each other it was like “nothing personal, I’m doing my job.” There was an air of idk.. respect and kind of acceptance with a hint of challenge.. i loved it so much

Now back to My fallen angel and the stinky hairy stalkiest asshole in the universe..

Yes he’s a jerk, but a very cunning and nothing-near-stupid one.. he in-fact scared me at some point i gotta admit, because the way he connects the dots is.. wow

“You are already thinking of all the ways you can kill me because you will never be able to shed that part of you.”

“A million and one things raced through your mind, and you were ashamed that more than half of those things were trying to figure out how to kill Mathias. ”

NO BECAUSE I WHEEZED MY LUNGS OUT😭😭😭 https://giphy.com/gifs/PotatoITV-e4-coach-trip-celebrity-ghost-WiCahQsVaUjksEn7aT MY BABY PLANNED HIS MURDER IN 12928 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES😭😭😭 And as she should!!

Fast forward you see.. i should’ve knew things are going down when levi whispered “The die had been cast” i should’ve realized this but i didn’t and that’s why when mathias stabbed kilian i gasped out loud… i felt my heart breaking with her and you see it’s not for the fact that she was actually dying this bitch don’t die.. i mean because she was distracted by the thought of levi getting hurt and that was the meanest most heartbreaking thing I’ve read in a while.. and you know what’s the cherry on top? THINKING THAT SHE DOESNT DESERVE HAPPINESS.. imma kms that’s it..

You couldn’t speak, feeling nothing but pain and heat and heat and pain. It burnt through your body hot even as you felt yourself growing colder. You thought of Levi and tears welled in your eyes

Your description made me feel every single word istg>>>

And Of course i was a sobbing mess while I’m reading her crawling across the floor all bloodied to reach levi, and of course i cried myself to sleep when she reached him, and definitely i screamed in agony once you mentioned orpheus and eurydice again…

Oh and let’s not talk about once levi reached her because it’ll be my last straw..

Levi was never a religious man, but he understood religion when he was with you. With you, Levi understood the temptation that Eve faced in the garden. With you, Levi even understood how angels could fall from grace. With you, Levi understood words he never did before to an exceptionally profound level; words like devotion, redemption, and prayer.Levi wasn’t a religious man, but he learned how to truly pray that night without even meaning to. One single solemn request, the most pious prayer he would ever attempt. “Wake up, sweetheart.”

KW WE CANT NORMALIZE YOU WRITING THIS GOOD OKAY YOUR WORDS ARE ACTUAL DAGGERS ATP THEY ARE CUTTING THROUGH MY SOUL.. AND WDYM WAKP UP SWEETHEART KW DID YOU SPECIALIZE IN CUNTOLOGY WRTING CLASS???? HELLO MISS THATS FORBIDDEN OKAY SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP LITERALLY SHAKING IN AGONY https://giphy.com/gifs/absurdnoise-horror-woman-7ztt6QLRy4PBu

Now ehem next Chapter whohohooooo🤩🤩

The last thing i expected was the chapter going this way tbh.. you see it reminded me of LDBS most heartbreaking chapters that Im never forgetting because they affected me so much.. “about her, where it started, where it ends.” The holy trinity of greif, i felt like i was reading them but now the hurt was pro max because your writing and descriptions are more.. descriptive

Also lmao zeke holding a gum😭😭😭 i knew it was a fever dream when you mentioned it😭😭😭 and the fact that killian cares about him enough to see him, dude if you planned murder during this chapter it would’ve been easier but ofc ofc you wanted to torture us. https://giphy.com/gifs/portlandia-season-2-episode-3-xT1R9SJiGMLJFB5YKA

Now.. annie?? Kw why are you like this and how you know how to connect things perfectly like that it’s pretty iconic tbh!!!

I don’t really know what to say anymore.. but each paragraph was really killing me in every possible way.. i really wished killian was able to see how much people cares about how, not just levi, whom she thinks she doesn’t deserve, but annie, erwin, Isabelle, farlan, eren, i really wished she knew how much they love her, maybe then she’ll know that she deserves every single good thing in this universe, my baby suffered a-lot and that’s why i admire her, if this was an actual novel killian would for sure be the best female mc in terms of surviving, and as levi said: Still, you were nothing if not a survivor. She really is. Our fallen angel🥹💙💙

They’d nicknamed you the “fallen angel,” because you looked exactly like one when you arrived. One of the crash team members said afterwards that if they weren’t so concerned about saving your life, they would have shed a tear for having to cut up your beautiful gown.

I giggled in between my tears when i read this, kw never beating the fashionista allegations even on her death bed which is like a huge slayyyyy she’s a freaking queen💙💙 our fashion icon. I really loved the interaction between annie and levi, you really wrote them so well because.. i don’t know if im the only one who feels this but you know when you’re reading a chapter or a scene and be like.. “yes, this is how things are supposed to be going” from how perfect the writing and writer is? That’s what i felt and still feel every time i read one of your works!!🥹💙

When you woke up again, your face was pressed into a couch that smelt powdery and warm. It was a familiar scent but you couldn’t pinpoint it to someone specifically. As you ran your nails along the green and pink floral upholstery, you felt like you were somewhere you once called home.

Kw you really need to give me lessons on how to describe things, like genuine question how do you make your writing feel.. so so alive, like the words are beating and moving i feel them🥹

Before you could ask her anything more, protest, or move, she took her wooden spoon out of the pot and shoved a sip of it into your mouth, holding your chin as she did.

Sophia?… https://giphy.com/gifs/mafs-sRFFCzAey4IatfTOnQ .. yeah i cried so much then, or not literally but my eyes teared up fr, i need a hug.. https://giphy.com/gifs/portlandia-season-1-episode-6-xT1R9SLI3qYhVbmeQg.

When Eren came by to visit, the first thing he did was make sure to drop some of your favorite chicken lemon soup off to you.

I love love love the way you move from a scene to another, and seeing eren this chap was the most pleasing surprise ever!, he’s a goof ball i love him sm my baby🥹💙💙 I’m sure everything is gonna get better after his appearance i—

Especially when it came to you. Especially when it came to the both of you. The two of you were so used to having the rug pulled out from under you, from having the other shoe drop, from having your lives blown up just at its happiest point, that to not expect the worst almost felt naive.

*gets hit by this paragraph like a truck and starts screaming uncontrollably* https://giphy.com/clips/neonrated-neon-rated-films-ofYZSv3fjXVrvpwlAL

WILL MY SUFFERING EVER END—

“You should’ve brought some clothes for Kilian,” Levi said. It was a knee-jerk reaction, one that surprised both him and Erwin. It was more hopeful than Levi intended for it to be, but he took that as a good thing. He could only hope Erwin wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

“You seem really happy, Sophia,” you said, turning to her with a smile as you placed the picture back down. “Peaceful almost.”

“You,” she said in English. “Because of you.” ”

“I love you. And I promise I’ll help you finish cooking when I wake up. I might just close my eyes for a bit if that’s okay,” you gestured to the couch, feeling sleep washing over you like a tide in the ocean shore.”

Oh will it seems not never-mind.. https://giphy.com/gifs/bigbrothernlbe-kyXSJ1yPFHZ88W3v79

Now.. farlan and levi, first of all I’m glad he’s not sad anymore or hurt, but i feel like this isn’t the end of it, or maybe was this scene a closure? I’m not sure, but i loved his interaction with levi so much!!!

You know when I first met her, she went by a different name,” Farlan continued as he came into the room, trying his best to change the subject so that Levi wouldn’t keep worrying over you. “But I think Kilian suits her much more.” “What name did she go by instead?” Levi asked, not even shocked that you had somehow crossed paths with Farlan before. “Oh, she went by Annie,” Farlan shrugged. This managed to somehow get a laugh out of Levi for some reason.

That was so cute in some way🥹 i love them so much kw u don’t understand!!!

U don’t understand how much i hate you

“I’ve been waiting for you.”You froze at the sound. He was so kind, so patient, so sweet—you would’ve recognized his voice even with your eyes closed. “Lucas?”

That’s so mean.. that’s literally evil, like omg HOW DARE YOU WE DONT TALK ABOUT WHO-COULDNT-BE-NAMED ANYMORE

“I–” you paused, trying to find your words but finding that they weren’t coming out the right way. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. You left me, that’s not right,” you pouted.

“Yes, you’re wrong,” Lucas said, shaking his head at you in an affectionate manner. “I’m always with you.”

WHY JUST WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AUAUAGQYAAKSJSJAJAJAJAJ https://giphy.com/gifs/crying-woman-12OloSxMpkEoSI

Levi did not leave your side, not once.

KW I HATE YOUUUUY AHAHHAHHHHHHHHHGHGGGG *insert eren infamous scream*

You hesitated, feeling a sense of warmth coming from behind the door. “Well do you know what’s behind it?” you stood up onto your tippy-toes as if it would help you get a better look. “It’s not what you think,” Lucas confirmed softly. “I promise.”Faltering again, you found that your feet would not move. “But what if I’m not ready?”Lucas shook his head at you, and squeezed your hand again. “You’ve always been ready.” Tears welled in your eyes as the water continued to wash over your feet. “What if I don’t deserve what’s behind that door?”

Kw as much as i love your brilliant mind please.. this hurts like a bitch please dont do it again.. lucas, the way killian cried when she saw him, i don’t know what to say, i just can feel it but i can’t describe it, and you know that a writing is so good when it leaves you speechless like yours did to me now🥹💙💙

When you blinked your eyes open, the first person you saw was Levi. His smile was bright and warm. It made you feel weightless. It made you feel loved. You smiled back, albeit weakly. Levi squeezed your hand gently, still smiling. “Welcome back, sweetheart,” he whispered.

Ending the chapter with welcome back when the last was “wake, up sweetheart.” I SEE WHAT YOUR DOING KW I SEE IT

And i really appreciate it, i would like to thank you so so much for writing these new chapters and blessing us with your amazing, wonderful, beautiful, mesmerizing writing voice and style and descriptions as a whole, thank you really, to me you are my role model in writing, and i aspire to be like you or just make people feel the same way your words make me feel, i really appreciate it and please never stop writing.. never leave us kw because the fan fic writers community needs you my hidden gem.. we need your characters, scenes, gut wrenching stories and everything. If i could thank you in 60 different languages, express my love and admire you in every possible way i would’ve done it, but i know it won’t give you enough credit and it won’t come close to the feelings i go through reading your works. https://giphy.com/gifs/anime-love-bQATeUxCoCFr2

I love you so much kw!!💙💙 https://giphy.com/gifs/love-i-you-that-70s-show-2dQ3FMaMFccpi

Your lovely “💙” anon, hope i be the reason you smile once today, thank you again💙💙💙

My love again!! Gonna answer you underneath the cut 🥹❤️

LMAO @ Yelena being hot. You know what I think it is? The story itself (STH & LDBS) is a very sensual, sexy story. That's kind of the vibes I have in my mind every time I sit down to write it. It's meant to be dark, noir, and sexy, so without meaning to--everything ends up being quite sexy LOL, including characters who aren't main characters.

Also you ABSOLUTELY smashed your interpretation of the scene between Yelena and Levi. That was exactly what I wanted to establish; an understanding. The scene you highlighted in particular was a shared understanding that whatever was about to transpire was not personal. It was a warning of, "hey, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to get my job done," on both ends, and the other person being like, "yeah, and so will I." You are so right when you say there was an understanding, respect, acceptance, AS WELL as a challenge. Juxtaposing the shared notion of both of them having taken lives before was also both of them saying without saying that they are not afraid to kill the other person if it comes down to it (and it did).

And YES. Mathias is such a keen observer. I think all of you always got the sense that he "monitored" people but thought of it in the sense of cameras when it's actually much more literal. He doesn't have to resort to those kinds of things because he catches a lot just by being in peoples' presences. Not only is he trying to get under her skin and make her think she hasn't changed, he's trying to taunt her to hurt him because he wants to prove to her that she is the monster he THINKS she is. You know Kilian hasn't killed anyone in a very long time, but she definitely never lost her touch and could have easily killed him had she not gotten distracted. Like you said, it was the thought of Levi being hurt that distracted her. She was ready to go in for her kill but nothing mattered once she thought something happened to Levi. She loves him more than anything, and in that moment the only thing that mattered was his safety, not hers. In a different situation, Levi would have absolutely done the same thing. And yes, you hit the nail on the head! Her battle with not knowing whether or not she deserves happiness is an on-going one, and although she has changed a lot, sometimes those self-destructive behaviors never really go away.

Sgfsoghs, I did a lot of research into stab wounds and what they felt like. So the fact that you could feel it! 🤌🏼💋 I really wanted that chapter to feel like a knife twist, in every sense of the word so LMFAOOO I'M SORRY 🤣. Now you see why I initially wanted to release it in a double update! I felt horrible to leave you all that way without a sigh of relief in the next chapter, but it seems like you all went through the feels despite that.

And ahhh, thank you so much for your wonderfully kind words! That holy trinity chapter in LDBS was one of the hardest things to write, and in a way, chapter 14 was definitely a trail off of that because I had to tap into similar emotions of walking back to your past so that you could move forward and heal. I definitely think my writing has changed now compared to then so I'm so glad you could feel it differently!

The gum was the funniest part to me, and I honestly added it in for a silly touch and a laugh! Dreams are so silly. I thought it only made sense to introduce you to it with a giggle because it's so out there, it's so odd, and that is EXACTLY how you know it is a dream. I'm so happy you touched on the fact that Kilian only saw Zeke in her dream because she DOES care about him. That is 100% true. And yes, you're right. Kilian murdering Mathias would've been so much easier, but I never do anything easy!

Eee, you are too sweet! I love connecting things and bringing people back. Annie and Farlan were teased to come back WAAY early if you caught any of Isabel's dialogue when she spoke about her friends. You bring up a great point too, hopefully in future chapters, Kilian CAN see how loved she is, not just by Levi but by other people. She means so much to me as a character and I think it comes across each time I go to write her. She isn't perfect, she has flaws, but there is something about her that makes you root for her because I try so hard to touch on her human side as well as her darker sides.

I'm really so happy to know that you all laughed at the purposeful jokes I placed in chapter 14, too. I KNEW it was heavy so I also knew in between it, I had to give you all some light-hearted moments too. That little mention of the dress/fallen angel thing also meant a lot to me to put in because I really wanted to show the banter that happens between people who work in hospitals--the jokes and the humor amongst the horror--because I think that's kind of the only way you can get through the day sometimes after doing something as powerful as saving someone's life or helping someone.

Thank you so much for saying that about Annie and Levi's scene! 🥺 I really loved writing that scene because I could quite literally imagine their characters interacting like that and talking to each other like that, so it means the world to me that it felt like that was how things were supposed to be. You are really too kind.

And I'm always happy to help with writing questions if you have them! Honestly I just have an incredibly vivid imagination of characters and who they are. So when I think of how to write them, I think of everything outside of them--what their home smells like, what kind of furniture they like, how they dress, what they like to listen to--I think all of that helps things "come alive", so to speak. So thank you for saying that as well my love!!

Adding Sophia in definitely killed me but not as much as you know who, who I know you touch on later LMFAO so I will GLADLY offer you a hug.

I honestly love writing Eren in this universe, specifically his connection to Kilian. They don't share as many scenes in this story, but the love they have for each other is there and clearly unbroken and I love coming back to it.

Also, I'm SCREAMING at all of your gifs, you were not joking when you said you went through all 5 stages of grief LMFAO ❤️❤️❤️😭😭😭😭.

As for Farlan and Levi's scene, there is definitely a little more to happen before we get to a full closure, although we're definitely on the way there. Obviously can't spoil anything. But you are right when you say he's not sad or hurt anymore. He's moved on! The only thing is, has Kilian moved on from what she's done to him (hence why she always hid from him every time she saw him)? There's a little more to explore there but it will be touched on (trust me, it's allll planned LOL). That part with Levi laughing @ Kilian's fake name was such a treat to write also. Because he would immediately understand where she got her fake name from and why she chose that to give to Farlan. He made all the connections without even needing further explanation and laughed because he knows his girl better than anyone.

Also... Lucas. I know. I KNOW. I KNOW. I HATE MYSELF. LMFAO I CAN'T EVEN READ THAT SCENE AGAIN WITHOUT CRYING. Honestly, why did I do that to MYSELF is the better question. Because lord! Kilian loves Lucas so much, every time we go back to him, it is a source of pain. That is her deepest childhood wound but also her greatest childhood joy, so to quite literally "swim" back to him was her going back to herself to heal. He told her everything she needed to hear in order to know that he was okay, he never faulted her for what happened, and his life was joyous despite being short. By seeing him again and essentially forgiving herself, Kilian could wake up because she was no longer fighting this idea that she didn't deserve to be loved, hence the end quote in chapter 14. "Open the door. Love was on the other side and it was terrifying. Open the door." I wanted it to seem like this whole time that what was on the other side was possibly death--hence the warm light emanating from behind it--but really, it was just love. Kilian had to realize that she still had a life to live because she is so loved. So loved. She deserves to be loved. So walk through the door.

Ending the chapter with welcome back when the last was “wake, up sweetheart.” I SEE WHAT YOUR DOING KW I SEE IT

LMFAOOOO OSHGFOSH. 🌚 Do you now? But seriously, I want to thank you for both of your beautiful, beautiful, asks. You are such a lovely person, and I cannot express how much I appreciate you. You have recharged my writing spirit, made my day, and have been such a light these past two days. It means the world to me that I can touch your soul with my writing, and I truly mean it when I say it, the door is always open for writing questions ANY TIME you have them. Seriously.

I hope to write for as long as the spirit fuels me, and although my relationship with it truthfully waxes and wanes, a lot has happened recently to make me see that it is something that ignites my soul. And in igniting my own spirit, I can ignite others and touch their hearts and that is something that is truly invaluable.

Seriously, I love YOU so much, 💙 anon! You absolutely were another reason to smile today. I'm smiling now even as I head to bed. Thank you. I cherish you so much. You are always welcome to gush in my inbox, about anything, any time.

#asks #💙 anon

0 notes

bb-e3rie · 3 years

Note

tysm for ur posts !!

ive been in a huge slump over the past year about manifestation, and as much as i got "lots" of results in a year, i struggled a lot with self concept, persisting, and ignoring my reality until i decided to go on tumblr for manifestation advice and saw u.

i binged all the accounts you would recommend for an hour or two, deleted my subliminal playlists, and started new. i took ur advice to heart, and applied it. everyday, id affirm that id be a master manifester and that i was a powerful human being (even making affirmation wallpapers for me to wake up to yk?)

just 2 days using ur advice etc, i was doing a challenge to not use a mirror at all (i found that the root of my obsessions was mirrors, so i decided to treat the root of it instead of trying to just 'force' remove it) and within 2 days im stunned 😭😭

like here r my results. i can even give some pics to u personally if u want since there are some appearance related ones:

- dropped toxic friends i didnt want to drop b4 (i was clinging to them, i didnt think i deserved more)

- amazing self concept seriously. like everyday life seems so easily natural for whatever reason, and i dont feel like manifesting is a weigh on my shoulders, its just there and ive gotten rid of so many unconscious thoughts and beliefs i didnt even know i had 😭

- manifested a youtuber sharing my post AND over 100likes and nearly 1k views just by affirming and visualizing ONCE while i was showering. this was yesterday. im still stunned bc i visualized someone sharing my post, it getting lots of views n likes AND IT HAPPENED JUST AFTER I GOT OUTSIDE THE SHOWER

- okay this i have pics for btw!! my jawline is 10x sharper, literally. ive been visualizing my df and just generally affirming stuff like "im so pretty i cannot" etc and took pics today of myself and i was unrecognizable almost. my jawline like 2 days ago was NOWHERE close to now. my nose bridge got sm higher as well so now it looks like a perfect s-line as i visualized.

- also despite looking in the mirror every once in a while, taking pics, looking at my view counts etc MY MINDSET DIDNT CHANGE AT ALLLL like if i tried doing this back then id be crying, sobbing, complaining, and generally negative being like "whatd i do wrong" 💀💀 BUT NONO I STILL HAVE THAT MINDSET THAT I HAVE MY MANIFESTATIONS ETC

also THIS WAS IN 2 DAYS. imagine like in a week, month, year.. ilysm and just ty for ur posts atp. ive never seen advice like this ANYWHERE, no matter where i go and bam. im so glad i went here

i’m VERY glad to have helped. this is literally amazing, you accomplished this much in just TWO days. this goes to show that nothing is impossible and that you can manifest in a short amount of time. this past year i’ve been in a slump too as well, but i’ve just recently (almost a week now) stopped being inconsistent, got tired of my own shiet, and just start applying consistently and i’ve seen shifts already, even since the first day! i’m like so glad that my posts helped you and i hope that your success story helps another! and keep up the good work, i can’t even imagine the progress that you’d have made by a month! and congratulations!

#law of assumption #neville goddard #manifestation

111 notes · View notes

apollostears · 4 years

Text

boyfriend | k. bakugo

anime: my hero academia

pairing: katsuki bakugo x black!reader

creator: maya

warning(s): swearing

headcanons on bakugo as your boyfriend. it’s a sfw vrs. there will probably be a standalone nsfw vrs. coming out soon. xx also these were not supposed to be this long💀

* photo not mine*

bakugo was not someone you really associated with.

when you first transferred, you acknowledged his presence and thought he was mighty fine, but then he opened his mouth and you were like 🤨

dealing with him takes a lot of energy and it was not energy you were willing to spend, so you kinda just avoided him.

but as usual, niggas can’t keep they mouth shut, and it wasn’t long until you had ended up on his radar.

it was after a sparring session, your first official one with the class, and that’s when he got to see you in action.

after seeing you fight, mans was hella intrigued by you.

when you first came, bakugo didn’t understand what made you special enough to join the hero course.

and since you didn’t talk to him, he didn’t bother you.

until you made your official debut and he was 🤩😯🤯

that made him want to fight you, to see who was stronger seeing as he officially saw you as a worthy opponent.

so long story short, he quickly found out why it was best to leave you alone.

by no means were you scared of him, but he didn’t know that and when he started fucking with you, all bets were off.

bakugo literally had no idea what he was getting into and he was not prepared for the moment you dished his shit right back to him.

japanese was still a little difficult for you, as you had a tendency to forget some words, but you understood and spoke it well for the most part.

and when you were hype about something, both english and japanese words would be flying out your mouth.

after he, and the rest of the class, experienced your semi-irritated side first hand, bakugo was definitely hooked.

it was like a moth being drawn to a flame, he would not leave you alone.

he would try to be subtle about it, but to you and everyone else who knew him (i.e. izuku and kiri) they knew that he had a crush.

y’all were literally day n’ night. most of the time you would be minding yo business and then here he would come, talking shit.

eventually, that changed and y’all were just talking shit just to talk shit.

atp, everybody either wanted y’all to fight or to fuck.

so how did y’all start talking??

easy. with a little game of spin the bottle: 7 minutes in heaven style.

both you and bakugo were competitive and not one to back down from a challenge.

so when the bottle landed on him, kiri knew exactly what to do to push his friend into confessing his feelings.

he said that bakugo would be too pussy to kiss you.

my god did that work.

after mina also betted against your ability to carry out the task at hand, the two of you went into the closet to prove your classmates wrong.

because you guys are psycho’s, y’all went in there angry af at each other to mask the obvious embarrassment you both were feeling.

“you’re such a fucking dumbass” you cursed, arms crossed and a glare on your face.

bakugo scoffed and mocked your stance. “me? says the one who landed on me, shithead.”

you rolled your eyes. “ain’t nobody told yo bobble headed looking ass to sit there.”

cue bakugo looking shook af because he knows he did not just hear you call him a bobble head.

after that, all bets were off.

“you know what, you got a lot of fucking mouth.”

you smirked, knowing full well he was right and that he just couldn’t handle you. “sure do. what the hell you gonna do about it?”

at the time, neither of you would realize it, but y’all were most definitely horny af.

bakugo, now closer to you and his arms uncrossed, held a devious glint in his eyes.

“let me show you.”

and BOOM! y’all was kissing.

like...KISSING!!

it was a little rough at first, with you in shock and bakugo kissing you like a rabid dog.

but once y’all got that rhythm, y’all GOT that rhythm.

the kiss was aggressive passion. like feelings of bottled up desire lit on fire (bars 🔥)

homie did a little boom boom pow on yo ass with his firecracker hands when he was caressing yo shit and that was a top tier move right there.

y’all were definitely in that closet for more than seven minutes until iida came and broke y’all up.

after that, you guys were somewhat dating.

neither of y’all wanted to admit the feelings you had for one another, so you guys just did relationship shit without the label.

kissing in private was a big one because hormones. sometimes y’all would hold hands or cuddle, but v rarely.

bakugo would always carry your bag during school and he’d also carry your lunch tray. not that you asked but he’s such a manly man that he had to do it for the sake of his ego.

instead of holding hands, you guys would link arms and you would lightly press into him. bakugo highkey liked that shit but wouldn’t tell you.

eventually, you guys escalated to seeing each other at night for longer periods and that turned into you spending the night in his room for the first time.

it was also the first time you guys cuddled frfr and bakugo ate. that. shit. UP!!

but because he’s a shy baby, he began to distance himself from you and that made you hurt ngl.

so, figuring that y’all were ‘done’ you did you and hung out with other people.

one of those people was todoroki. the two of you had a platonic relationship, but a strong bond and when bakugo caught y’all akikik’ing, he ain’t like that shit.

that was the reason why he had asked you out rather aggressively in the common area on a thursday afternoon.

once you guys had officially established your relationship, it was like nothing ever happened. he was still carrying yo shit and kissing you in private, but the vibes were different.

the two of you were more gentle to each other.

more loving.

he was still an asshole and you as well, but in an endearing way. bakugo became more open to loving you and more open to claiming you.

he would mainly call you ‘his girl’ or ‘his person’ (you let him watch GA one time and that was the outcome) when referring to you in person to someone else.

gone with your actual name and in were those nicknames. you’d call him ‘su’ ‘katsu’ ‘suki’ ‘honey’ (if you want something) and ‘baby’

bakugo would crucify you if you called him by his real name and vice versa.

your man is a lowkey spoiler. meaning, he spoils you on the low low and in a very subtle way. you don’t really like people buying you stuff nor are you the type to ask anyone for anything, so bakugo does what he needs to do without your permission.

he doesn’t make a big deal about it, but whenever it’s your time of the month and you feel extra shitty, he dials back on being an asshole a bit. or he’ll use his palms and pop little firecrackers on your stomach/lower back to help with cramps.

if you wearing his clothes helps (even if it actually doesn’t and you just say that just to get them) he’ll let you wear his stuff, no problem. he tried to get them back once when you were done but you almost bit his hand off so that didn’t work.

he hates whiners, but he loves when you whine for him. whether it’s for attention or for cuddles or kisses, he lives for it because period you is the only time he’s gonna see that shit. once you’ve figured out that you can get away with mostly everything if you whine, you start doing it a little more when you’re off your period.

besides being on your cycle and taking care of you, bakugo does little acts of service for you as well.

being black in a country that is predominantly not black, is hard and finding hairdressers is even harder.

somehow, with the help of his mom, bakugo was able to find a hairstylist that would do well when doing your hair and that was one of your favorite surprises from him.

like you deadass shed some tears and he was highkey confused but proud because he’s that nigga.

best believe he goes with you to every appointment just to make sure she don’t fuck shit up with his baby’s hair. he don’t got time to watch you cry and commit a crime.

as we all know, mans can cook. you love his food but he (and class 1-A) is absolutely feral for yours. anytime you cook, whether it’s soul food or any other type that you learned to make, he falls in love all over again.

since you love his food, sometimes he’ll make you some meals or snacks. especially if you’re stressed or sad.

this actually turned into him cooking for you + bakusqaud cause they complained about how he never cooked for them. then it turned into him being one of the cooks for the class when you guys alternate cook days.

he was pissed about it but was a little excited to A) woo his classmates and B) make sure they get the right nutrients to be strong and worthy heroes.

bakugo cares okay...

anyways...dates for y’all are planned out when bakugo takes you out, but if you take him out? he never knows what to expect.

once, y’all went to a zoo but it was a petting zoo and bakugo bought lost his shit when the sheep came up to him for food. you definitely have pictures of him angrily riding one of the adult horses.

and he totally rode the bull to prove a point. he won and you unlocked a brand new fantasy.

y’all are so in sync, it’s fucking insane.

there was one time where someone had said some slick shit to you, bakugo was not around, and somehow this man had popped up hella quick like his spidey seneses was tingling, to put that person in they place.

you were like 😦🤪

another time is when you both do/act similarly. bakugo can be v chill and reserved and sometimes you are the same way. the entire day, y’all move as if you’re one.

and honestly, bakugo loves the idea of you being a female version of him. it makes him so proud to see you act like him.

but don’t get it twisted, mans definitely acts like you too. he’s picked up a lot of terms that you use and he uses them like it’s natural.

not too much and not too little, but just enough that it fits and has the right impact everytime.

now, onto the more softer shit

i don’t see bakugo as being the type to automatically share his deepest, darkest secrets with you. nor is he the type to be openly vulnerable.

you weren’t the type either and two hard-ass people were not going to make a healthy relationship. but....shit changes.

the first time you guys saw each other’s vulnerability was when the attack against the camp happened. y’all were only dating for four months, but had started to form a bond.

you weren’t there when he was taken, having to be forced to stay in the classroom with the others. you were unbelievably worried when it was announced that bakugo was the target of this attack.

you tried not to worry because bakugo can take care of himself, but he shouldn’t have to. and after waiting for what felt like hours, you found out that they had taken him.

you didn’t remember collapsing on the floor and crying your eyes out with kirishima comforting you. every moment up until you and the others had went to rescue him, were a blur.

after you guys had got him back and after all might’s fight with all for one, you broke down again and gave bakugo a bone crushing hug.

“i’m so sorry.” you had whispered, that being the only thing able to come out of your quivering lips.

the others had continued to walk ahead to give you guys some space, but you figured bakugo didn’t want to talk since he didn’t hug you back. just as you had went to remove yourself from him, he had wrapped his arms around you in a tight embrace.

“don’t be sorry shithead. okay? don’t be sorry.”

his voice was muffled a bit from his lips being on your shoulded, but you heard him and a short sob escaped your lips at the fact that he was comforting you when you should be comforting him.

but your hug was enough comfort as it allowed the boy to feel safe since getting taken and he had shed a few small tears.

after that, things were different. bakugo wouldn’t tell you, but you knew that things were different. he was more aggressive and driven to be the best, but he moved as if he had a weight on his shoulders.

you didn’t know it then, but it was guilt. guilt because all might lost his powers trying to save him because he wasn’t strong enough to get away. after finding that out, you reprimanded him so hard (lovingly).

he needed to know that he was strong but that what happened with all might had nothing to do with him. and after you all got your provisional licenses, but he didn’t? that’s when he really broke.

it hurt you to see him this upset and you knew then that you would do everything in your power to prevent him from ever feeling like that, again.

you guys really grew closer those two months. at that point, y’all really were inseparable.

okaaa out of the sad shit!

he pushes you at the same amount he pushes himself. bakugo wants you to be successful and he knows that you do as well. your ambition almost the same as his, if not higher.

you guys train together a lot after hours. most of the time kirishima joins in and that leads the rest of bakusqaud to do the same.

anything that you ask him to do, bakugo will do it. mans is so whipped for you!!

you get him to do sheet masks with you every other night. and you’ve got him on a skincare routine that was good at first, but now bad for you. because when you wanna be lazy, bakugo will scold tf outta you before you give him the pouty face. at that point, he’s washing your face for you and wrapping your hair up as you fall asleep in his arms. 🥺

bakugo is definitely on your ass about your hair. especially if he paid for it? oh yeah baby, you keepin that shit in til he sees it getting raggedy. but he actually loves being apart pf your wash day routine.

you didn’t have to teach him, he just observed you and one day, when your arms were getting tired, he casually swooped in with a kiss of his teeth and did your hair.

you absolutely went to sleep and the sight alone caused bakugo’s heart to melt. that was one of the times he knew that he loved you.

speaking of love, there were several times bakugo knew that he loved you but he didn’t say it.

he knew that he loved you when you made him breakfast one morning over the summer, during the time he was working himself in the ground to get his provisional license. the bright smile on your face gave him energy despite being drained. that was one time he knew.

the second time was when you had met his mom. y’all were dating for seven months at the time and you really wanted to meet his parents. so, with a permanent scowl on his face, he took you and it was something.

“oh suki look at you!!! you were such a smiley baby!! why you so grumpy now?!” you cooed, gushing over the baby picture of him at ten months.

bakugo frowned, sitting across from you with his dad on the other side of him. “i’m not grumpy.” he gritted out, looking like a complete grump.

“he wasn’t always this way. katsu used to be a very happy baby. you wanna see him at his second birthday? oh it was so cute!” mitsuki exclaimed, flipping the pages in the book to get to where she needed.

seeing you bond so well with his mom made bakugo feel some type of way. despite their dynamics, he respected his mom and definitely held her in a high regard. that was the second time.

and the third time was on your one year anniversary.

it was something simple seeing as you had started your period that same day and were feeling like absolute shit. you felt so bad for being the reason why you guys had to stay in, but bakugo wouldn’t hear it.

“but suki we could go out and sit on the roof!” you whined while simultaneously curling into him for comfort.

just from that action alone, he knew you wouldn’t have the strength to actually move around just to go on the rooftop. your body was hurting and you felt like you could die, no way were you moving.

“relax princess. no need to get your blood rushing anymore than it already is.” bakugo teased, a knowing smirk on his lips.

with squinted eyes, you pinched the skin on his ribs causing him to flinch away from you. “fuck you katsuki.”

“love you shithead.”

*record scratch, pause* wait what?!

bakugo looked calm af but on the inside, mans was wilding. he deadass couldn’t believe he said that shit. like who tf?

you had a look of surprise and awe on your face. completely taken aback by his abrupt confession that you couldn’t really process it.

but you definitely felt it.

with a smile and kiss on his cheek, you drew even closer to bakugo and nuzzled into his side. “love you more suki.”

yeah...he definitely loved you

*join our taglist:* @sweeneyblue1 @knjkitten @simplyskz-maya

#kmimagines #mayawrites #black!reader #ambw imagines #katsuki bakguo x black!reader #katsuki bakugo headcanons #katsuki bakugo imagine #katsuki bakugou x reader #mha katsuki #katsuki bakugo fluff #bnha headcanons #bakugo x black reader #mha #bnha #bnha katsuki #katsuki bakugo

372 notes · View notes

thisdreamplace · 3 years

Note

(This is gonna b long , but if it’ll help me in the long run It’s worth it)

So I’m currently doing self concept (it’s a 2 week challenge on Instagram august 7-14) this is my 10th day. So far I been going hard w it but never noticed any change. These past 3 days I’ve been pissed tf off like back on my depression/anger shit. It’s like I shifted back to my natural habits nd just stopped trying to persist but still affirmed for self concept. Like the smallest things are pissing me off. This baby is always at my house crying nd whining 25/8 like a maniac nd it gets on my nerves. My mom is constantly bothering me/ catching attitudes nd everything negative which affects or effects me (idk the difference 💀) . It’s all literally demotivating me. It’s making me repeat the old story again after I was doing good for a whole week straight. Other ppl have been doing this challenge nd had awesome results on the first 2-3 days nd ik this is affirming I don’t have results but I’m like where’s mine 😕. Idk what Im doing wrong but it’s hard. Especially if I can manifest negatives better than positives. Any advice would help atp

Thanks for reading 💕

Okay so a few things,,,

I know it sounds crazy but, what you're experiencing is actually a good thing. If you've been on top of your self concept and everything is starting to come up to the surface, this is because of the fact your new self concept is solidifying within your subconscious. This what you want! It's difficult, but this is where you hone in on allowing and accepting yourself to be. This is where you practice seeing through the "eyes of God" aka choosing love for yourself, rather than falling back into the old story which is what kept alive everything you're going through now. This is why having a self concept of: I am God of my reality, is the most important self concept of all. Because when things get tough, you turn back to this knowing. As Neville called it, you turn back to the first principle: be still and know that I am God. Instead of letting yourself get carried away in the circumstances, the doubts, the fears... you be still and know. You watch it, you feel it, but you no longer let that be your story. You choose to know that even if you feel terrible, even if everything seems to be going wrong, everything is actually working out for you... no matter what.

It would be lovely if the law was that cut and dry. You stay positive so you only get positives back. But nah, there will be things that come up that you will get to decide can make you or break you. Even if you react or get upset, you still have an opportunity to extend love to yourself and move forward. Just know this: you aren't doing anything wrong. You really aren't. You're doing everything right and this is just part of getting you where you want to go. We must practice faith and trust in who we really are, at all times.

Furthermore, you can't manifest negatives better than positives. You manifest negatives easier than positives simply for the fact that you assume that! It's literally the law at work. It doesn't help when we come from negative foundations... of course the negative things will seem to manifest easier. They fit it with what we already assume to be true! So, stop perpetuating that story right now!

It can be frustrating when it seems like everyone else is moving forward and you're going backwards. But remember, this world is just a mirror. No one else is succeeding while you're failing, that's just a story you've perpetuated. You don't have to live like that anymore. Take your focus off of the 3D and focus on your inner world. The only change that matters, is the change that occurs within. I truly hope this helps you to get back on track! 💖

#i am

7 notes · View notes

darkicyninja · 3 years

Text

My Journey

I would like to share my story because it took me years upon years to rise to the Phoenix that I am today.

One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite movies Beyond The Lights is Blackbird, both by Nina Simon as well as Noni. The lyrics in Noni’s version, second verse, are:

“Now I rise as the phoenix escapes from me…

…through the fire, through the flames

leaving ashes underneath…

I'm free at last,free from you

free from the past

freedom at last

what is life, other than a cage to me…”

Fibromyalgia will claim me no longer

I first started feeling pain in my back around the age of 14. I have had several injuries: fractured left wrist, fractured left hip, torn MCL in left knee, blunt force trauma to my left eye multiple times, broken toes, broken fingers, swollen meniscus, bursitis, sciatica, solar plexus issues, sprains & strains especially in my neck and spine as well as majority of joints and other issues. All of this was discovered from X-rays and MRIs. The doctors could see my spine very out of alignments with some slight unnatural curvatures acquired from poor posture and other bad habits. Massage, topicals (especially CBD, tiger balm, biofreeze, and Penetrex), and stretches/yoga helped tremendously. By the time I was 17, the pain was so unbearable that I could only lay in bed crying and I had to resign from my job & also had a tough time working ever since.

My father took me to a chiropractor named Dr. Bob W. He adjusted me several times, however the adjustments would not hold. My mother took me to the doctor and he said I needed to see a neurologist. I went and had to get several tests done including a nerve test where they insert a needle into your nerves in your arm. They could see that my muscles were twitching but could not find the cause.

I was referred to physical therapy. I worked hard for 3 months but my pain only got worse. Eventually my pcp prescribed me muscle relaxers, tramadol, and a seizure medication in college. A few days later while taking mt world civilizations exam, I noticed that I could not sit still. The seizure medication was causing tremors which my pcp said was an adverse affect and I was having micro seizures. They took me off of the medication however it took around 96 hours to get out of my system according to the half-life. I still actually have a mild tremor/twitches to this day. After that was the trigger point injections which were very painful as the doctor inserted a need in all of the fibromyalgia trigger points generally near joints as well as nerves and vertebra. Eventually those stopped helping as well.

Then I tried marijuana for the first time. I used to be very against all drugs (straight edge XXX), however marijuana saved my life. Most of my pain was instantly eased away. So I went from social smoker, to buying on occasion, to full bud smoker is a matter of months.

My mother was upset about it though and the stress of moving in with my mom and only smoking bed when she was asleep and outside at that made me pick up the horrible habit of smoking cigarettes. I tried K2 but we all know the horrible adverse affects of that. I first got the Marlboro Skyline but then they discontinued them so I switched to menthol. I just recently switched to menthol golds/lights and actually prefer American spirit but they are so expensive. I started rolling my own cigarettes and blending different tobaccos for a a smoother taste. Then I remembered my friend Age in college used to smoke herbal cigarettes, Luna I believe to be the brand but I think they discontinued them. So I decided with my business (Skull Treats), we will bring back herbal cigarettes and detox from tobacco together. I have been using foot detox pads and they are amazing, another product I am working on.

I actually mix CBD with my THC and it is delicious and makes the bud last longer. I am working on getting my medical marijuana card as well as assisting in legalizing recreational marijuana (clinical trials are being planned). Marijuana assists with so much and I had even read before in a scholarly article that it helps detox your lungs of the harmful tobacco byproducts. I don’t believe that experiment was replicated enough in diverse enough populations, but another research experiment I would love to try.

A slight bio, I graduated from Robert Morris University (BS in Biology 2013), attended Chatham University (MS in biology 2014; did not finish), and Devry University (MS in project management 2014; did not graduate). I am currently attending Harvard University (Certifications in Spanish, Japanese, Psychology of Personal Growth, and Oracles - Omens & prophecies 2021) as well as Shaw Academy (Tarot, Crystal Healing, Alternative Therapies, Jewelry Design, Video Game Design & Development, Mini MBA, Coding, Writing 2021). I will be working on my PhD in biology & psychology hopefully next year at University of Pittsburgh, an affiliate of Skull Treats (most organizations mentioned are or are in the process of becoming official affiliates and majority of research shall be conducted with Pitt/UPMC).

Anyway, I had seen that my friend Jordan was a reiki practitioner so I booked an appointment. The appointment was amazing, she gave me the background of reiki as well as crystal healing before playing some zen music. During my session I kept seeing purple and lilies. She told me after she had seen the color purple as well!

“The color purple symbolizes power, insight, and tenderheartedness, purple boasts numerous good qualities. On a more negative note, purple can also be overly sensitive and unnecessarily vigilant. Fortunately, the good outweighs the bad when it comes to this marvelous wonder. With its uplifting spirit and undeniable beauty, purple entices with ease…”

- color-meanings.com/purple-color-meaning-the-color-purple

I did my research and seen that Savella was the newest drug approved to treat fibromyalgia. My doctors had not heard of it so they needed to conduct their own research. After a month, they agreed to let me try it and it has completely changed my life! The only pain I have left is my knees and joints which are apparently arthritis which I will get treatment for as well. My doctor recommended aqua therapy as well as occupational therapy for small more focused tasks.

If anyone is suffering from any chronic pain, whether minuscule or severe, try Savella. I have tried majority of the popular antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety, muscle relaxants, nerve and other medications and therapies. Gabapentin and lyrica ( a GABA isotope) did not help even in high doses and neither did Cymbalta.

“Savella is a prescription medication for the management of fibromyalgia in adults.

Savella is a prescription medication for the management of fibromyalgia — a common, chronic condition that causes widespread pain and affects an estimated 6-12 million people in the United States alone. The cause of fibromyalgia is unknown.

An antidepressant, milnacipran is one of three drugs that have been approved by the Food and Drug Administration to treat fibromyalgia. While relief of fibromyalgia pain can help people feel less fatigued, milnacipran appears to have an additional effect on fatigue — separate from that associated with pain relief.

Many experts believe that fibromyalgia is associated with changes in the processing of pain signals in the brain and spinal cord.

In clinical studies that compared Savella to placebo, patients who took Savella said:

* They felt less pain and

* their fibromyalgia overall was improved

* their physical function was improved

Savella is categorized as

An antidepressant, belonging to a class of drugs called serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRI).

Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) are a class of medications that are effective in treating depression. SNRIs are also sometimes used to treat other conditions, such as anxiety disorders and long-term (chronic) pain, especially nerve pain. SNRIs may be helpful if you have chronic pain in addition to depression.

SNRIs ease depression by affecting chemical messengers (neurotransmitters) used to communicate between brain cells. Like most antidepressants, SNRIs work by ultimately effecting changes in brain chemistry and communication in brain nerve cell circuitry known to regulate mood, to help relieve depression.

SNRIs block the reabsorption (reuptake) of the neurotransmitters serotonin (ser-o-TOE-nin) and norepinephrine (nor-ep-ih-NEF-rin) in the brain. SNRIs approved to treat depression.

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved these SNRIs to treat depression:

* Desvenlafaxine (Pristiq)

* Duloxetine (Cymbalta) — also approved to treat anxiety and certain types of chronic pain

* Levomilnacipran (Fetzima)

* Venlafaxine (Effexor XR) — also approved to treat certain anxiety disorders and panic disorder

- Savella.com

- mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fibromyalgia/expert-answers/milnacipran

- Hopkinsarthritis.org

Summary:

In summary, with the right combination of hemp (CDB and/or THC), topicals, heat/ice application, yoga and stretches/meditation (with HZ sound therapy), as well as a medication such as Savella, you will actually have more energy and with less pain, that increases your quality of life so that you can accomplished what you need to do! I also became a distributor for amazing weight loss nutritional spray as well as a energy spray (more overall cellular energy/ATP) and we are also about to have a cash giveaway challenge! This will be so much fun. Let me know if you are interested in the challenge, the products or becoming an affiliate yourself and becoming your own boss with the flexibility to set your own hours from the comfort of your home

0 notes

cow3survivor · 4 years

Text

Episode 1 Pt. 2: “Playing a Game With A Fresh Slate” - Jessica

SAM

https://youtu.be/gmZlNel3IZM

JESSICA

We did it! We won immunity! Shout out to Sammy for making the flag that won us the advantage and Pete for doing so well in luck! Also in 6 hours or however long it has been since my last confessional, I have decided I do like Sam and we will align. So I guess I want to align with everyone except Madison... hopefully if we lose she is out first!

JABARI

So our tribe is heading to tribal and I'm very nervous because anyone can go atp. I need to make sure that isn't me.

JENNET

we flopped that :(( and i think i may be one of the reasons :( trying my best to not let anybody know im upset but as tribal council looms closer im getting worried

(a little later)

im trying not to throw anybody under the bus but i think that im voting out nash :(( they havent been super active and they havent texted me back since i texted them so it just makes sense to boot them :((

(after eating some rice)

voting out another black woman weighing heavy on me :( i hate that its coming to this

PETE

our tribe had a celebratory discord call which only consisted of like 4 or 5 people but i joined later after everyone left anyways i had a long nice chat with Sam in which i found out he hosts an in person survivor with his friends at home and hes nice ANYWAYS he apparently, like me, is cursed to forever be a premerger. So from here on out i solemnly swear to never vote for Sam during the premerge phase fuck yeah

JAKE

https://youtu.be/aVQKOOrapj0

remind me tomorrow to chill out and take a back seat on the vote lmaooo

PENNINO

Going to tribal i feel like i'm pretty much safe. I feel like that 4 minutes was a good time for the easy jigsaw, but Ethan getting 1.5 minutes is almost impossible. Assessment on my tribemates Jabari: Seems like a nice person, has talked more and has been much more active, I think she has gotten herself off of the chopping block. Jake: Still a nice person, but has lost some activity during yesterday. Possible Ally still Jennet: Nice, active enough, not a target Jones: Not very active. A bit of a target. I will most probably to vote her to be say. Lindsay: Very active, we talk to each other a lot, nice person, possible ally Mikey: Nice person, nothing much, not a target Nash: ˆˆˆ Nicole: ˆˆˆ, but not as active Silver: Active, nice person, but he doesn't respond to my dm's that much, but, still, a possible ally. I feel pretty good about this tribal honestly

JONES

https://youtu.be/2UtH-dnv0i4

SAM

https://youtu.be/lzZOK2CxsA4

MIKEY

WELL HELLO LADIES. SO SO SO SO SO! Instead of rambling Ill just get on with it. Starting off, Me and Nash REALLY freaking connected. Like they’re so fun to talk to!! BUT. They’ve been inactive. and so Pennino is now going around spreading their name, and basically everyone is saying sure why not. This SUCKS because Me and Jabari wanted to make an alliance with them and jake, but now we are faced with a problem. We both have basically decided that instead of Nash we are gonna drag in Peppino. I brought that idea up because me and him are both the youngest people in the game, and I really wanna go far with Peppino. My goal this season is to beat a bunch of adults and make them feel angry that a 15 year old outsmarted them. Its so funny! Anyways besides that, Im feeling good about that 4. I wish it wasn't Nash going home, considering the only other name out was Jones, and I woulda much rather did her, but you know that's how the cards fall I guess. A bad bitch is done with tonights confessional. A bad bitch is now gonna press submit. A bad bitch says GOODBYE ASF!

SILVER

https://youtu.be/JLwZRNesRHI

LINDSAY

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1YF3mYJfYIq_2Qco8EQYq3JowyMSbin8M/view?usp=sharing

NASH

im crying i have no idea whats going on!!! HKDHEJDHW all i know is talk to mikey and play 8 ball with nicole

(a little later)

ETHAN

Charan's Hot Confessional Questions

<a:dance:777952213808447519> 1. Give us a Trust Rankings of your tribemates! Who are you bonding with the most? Who are you bonding with the least? I trust Shane the most, and right now that’s because he is the only person that is actively strategizing. Besides that, I feel the most amicable with Jessica, lovealis, and Daisy who are wonderful people. Unfortunately both Cloud and Madison have made 0 effort with me and are generally inactive with me. <a:dance:777952213808447519> 2. Have any alliances formed on your tribe? If so, how loyal are you to these alliances? If not, do you think there are alliances out there that don't include you? There are no alliances that I’m in that have been formed, but I suspect there are some out there. Alliances without me are ok, I just need to know about them, and if there are any right now, I don’t know about them, and that’s concerning. <a:dance:777952213808447519> 3. How did your first Safari experience/run go! Did you get any closer to finding an idol? I WILL NEVER FIND ANYTHING IN A LUCK BASED SYSTEM <a:dance:777952213808447519> 4. Explain why Ryan and Charan are hotter than you A fact of life... these two slay.

LOVELIS

So things are going okay on the tribe so far! The first immunity win was rather nice & I like being able to have a bit more time to read people until were thrown into the pressure of a tribal. So far I’m definitely clicking the most with Shane and then probably Jessica but the time zones are getting in the way a little - just glad I have more time to really click with people and try and cement a place for me in this tribe. I think my contributions to the challenges have definitely helped my standing but not everybody is being super social with me so that’s a little bit of a worry - just gonna have to go ham at bothering people in private messages until they respond I suppose! 🤪

MADISON

Hi beautiful humans!!! I wish I had tea for y'all but we've won 2 challenges in a row and I really don't see the grind stopping in the foreseeable future so the tribe is kinda just vibing which gives me a little bit more time to build relationships which is a blessing and a half. I always get extremely paranoid the first week in games so the fact that I know for certain I won't be first boot is amazing!!! Tribe bonding is scheduled for tonight so hopefully by next round I'll have an alliance or 2 (maybe even the idol if I'm feeling really lucky)

JENNET

Last night really lit up a light in me. it sounds like everybody wants to work with me which is good so im now newly excited to play the game

SAMMY

okay okay okay so I would do a full out cast assessment but I literally just can not do that rn...so let's talk about who I vibe with most and who I have made like strong connections with so far! Initially, both Daisy and Jess have declared I am someone they really want to work with which is perfect for me because I want to work with them as well. I know daisy is going to be such a great competitor and I want to be on her side 100% but same with jess...im such a loyal bitch okay!! Me and Kiki really bonded over that logic puzzle so she went up in my rankings (as if she was ever low to begin with) I am not sure how well me/Pete/Nicole(opposite tribe) are gonna mesh...like I really hope me and Nicole can come together this game but I know we are just gonna end up being paranoid of each other but I love her so much. I REALLY WANTED TO BE ON A TRIBE WITH NASH AND JENNET I luv their vibes so much. okay back to my tribe tho, we won reward #mwah! I put so much effort into that because I just knew if we were to go to tribal that's an easy thing under my belt I could use as a "omg u need me for challenges". I noticed I was coming on a little too strong and presenting myself as a leader which I don't think really hurt me I think it made more people realize they should talk to me KHFBHIS. Umm okay so I love lovelis even tho he is not very active but I just know we will have each others backs for a bit. I connected well with Shane and Ethan very early and they just seem so sweet. I think if we would have went to tribal sam/lovelis/Pete could have been in danger. I would have preferred sam cause he isn't that active but he did help out some with the flag work. ANYWAYS this was not my best confessional but I do want to point out I FOUND A VOTE BLOCK SO HOLLLLLLAAAAAA! we are using this as a way to gain peoples trust so I told daisy and jess to strengthen those relationships mhmm

NASH

me pretending to be surprised that ppl wanted to vote me out first because i was kinda inactive.... i thought survivor would be different 💔

JENNET

not me being targeted for being a pretty black girl with a juicy fat ass *sad face emojis*

(a little later)

its tribal council and im shaking and im nervous, this could go horribly wrong or this could go super right

TRIBAL COUNCIL

youtube

SILVER EXIT INTERVIEW

youtube

#cowsurvivor #confessionals

0 notes

wsmith215 · 4 years

Text

On Behind The Racquet, Noah Rubin brings tennis players’ mental, emotional struggles into focus

“This sport has a way of making you feel irrelevant while at the same time giving you this sense of entitlement … Chances are if you were once ‘talk of the town,’ that will quickly diminish over time.” — Noah Rubin, Behind The Racquet

AS THE CLOCK crept toward midnight and the winds blew off the Mediterranean and into the Puente Romano Tennis Club, Noah Rubin hunted for an escape. It was March 2018. Rubin had just lost his fifth straight professional tennis match, a disappointing two-and-a-half-hour roller-coaster ride that was a microcosm of his career.

The grounds of the chic club, founded by Bjorn Borg on the Spanish Riviera in 1979, had long ago emptied. Groundskeepers had switched off all the lights except for the ones for the court where Rubin had just lost. Security closed and locked up the café. Rubin, more than 3,500 miles from his New York home, gathered his belongings and headed into the darkness. Four courts away, he found a set of empty cement stairs. He sat down. And began to cry.

Fifteen months earlier, there had been another walk, onto the famous blue court of Melbourne’s Rod Laver Arena for a second-round Australian Open match against Roger Federer. Rubin threw everything he had at Federer that sweltering January afternoon. After breaking Federer’s serve in the third set, he instinctively pumped his fist and screamed “Come on!” The outburst irked the tennis great, and Federer stared through Rubin during the subsequent break.

2 Related

“I was like, ‘I pissed off Roger Federer,'” Rubin said. “How amazing is that?”

Rubin lost in three sets that day but won the belief he belonged. A little more than a year later, after this first-round qualifying loss on the ATP Challenger Tour, tennis’ version of the minor leagues, the swagger was gone, replaced by anger, embarrassment and a plummeting sense of self-worth.

“I just didn’t feel I was worth anyone’s time,” Rubin said.

The story is a common one in tennis. Young star tastes the big time but struggles to escape the clutches of the game’s proving grounds. It’s a grueling climb, one athletes rarely discuss publicly until it’s over. Their competitive shield is too thick, the fear of vulnerability too strong. Rubin believed he had the talent — and work ethic — to be a top-50 player and build a comfortable life playing the game he loved. But he couldn’t crack the top 150 and was barely breaking even.

“I could just sort of feel my soul slipping away,” he said of that night in Spain. “I just sat there thinking, ‘What am I doing that I’m so upset and so miserable on the tennis court?’ It was my lowest point. It was also a beginning.”

“People forget we aren’t robots. People see this fantasy world and guess that everything is kind of perfect. There are true struggles that each and every player deal with that are far more important than winning or losing.” — James Blake, Behind The Racquet

NINE MONTHS AFTER the disappointment in Spain, Rubin sat in his childhood bedroom in Long Island, jet-lagged from his most recent trip to the Australian Open. It had been another up-and-down stretch for Rubin. He temporarily numbed the pain of six straight losses with an August 2018 upset of fellow American and then-No. 9 John Isner. But he then began 2019 with a second-round qualifying loss in Melbourne.

“He was down on himself and struggling, big-time,” said Tallen Todorovich, Rubin’s agent. “He was this blue-chip recruit who thought he would show up and have immediate success.”

Noah Rubin defeated Frances Tiafoe and Taylor Fritz, among others, on his way to the 2014 boys title at Wimbledon. Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

As the clock pushed past 3 a.m., Rubin scrolled through Instagram while watching “Inst@famous,” a Netflix documentary about social media influencers. He thought about “Humans of New York,” the social media project turned New York Times bestselling book profiling random New Yorkers blurred in the shuffle of the largest city in America. He wondered about applying a similar concept to tennis players lost in the pursuit of their on-court dreams.

The idea was simple, combining his passion for tennis, photography and journalism. Athletes would pose for a picture hiding their faces behind the strings of their racket. Then, in their own words, they would reveal the human struggles behind chasing greatness. Within an hour he had a name, “Behind The Racquet.” He quickly registered Instagram and Gmail accounts and purchased the URL https://bit.ly/2LKyq8l for $750.

On Jan. 19, 2019, Rubin posted the first picture for the project. It was a shot of himself, his face slightly blurred by the lime green strings of his racket. Below the photo, he revealed his greatest fear: letting down the people closest to him. It was an emotion he felt from an early age in a tennis-loving family. Rubin’s grandfather, a self-taught tennis star, passed the game on to Noah’s father, who put a racket in Noah’s crib when he was 1.

Noah’s dad was his coach early on, and Noah saw him lose work after his boss would give him an ultimatum about choosing the boy’s tennis tournaments over his work commitments. He saw his mom, who worked in education, sacrifice her summers to work at a local sports facility so Noah and his sister could receive free lessons. Then he saw his parents’ marriage fall apart. They divorced when he was 12.

“I always felt this yearning to pay my parents back,” said Rubin, now 24. “I would ask myself, ‘Am I doing enough for all their time and effort? Is all this worth it for them?’ Tennis is one of the most financially grueling sports. We were not wealthy. We were fine. But they used basically hundreds of thousands of dollars to pay for this. That’s tough.”

To the outside world, it all seemed worth it. By the age of 7, Rubin was beating kids five years older. By 12 he was competing internationally as one of the top-ranked players his age. Then at 18, with his dad watching from the stands, Rubin won the Wimbledon boys’ championship. Lawrence Kleger, the director of the John McEnroe Tennis Academy, tagged Rubin the best player to come out of New York since McEnroe himself.

It all led to a young man growing up fast. A young man sitting in his childhood bedroom on that January night in 2019 still trying to process it all. His place. His purpose. An understanding of what happiness and contentment actually looked like. Why was the game he loved making him so miserable? He’d begin to find answers through sharing the struggles of others.

“Throughout my life, I was always the youngest to do things, which added hype that I didn’t want. … I was just lost. I was confused and overthinking if this was what I wanted or what others did. It took many moments sitting, thinking and crying.” — Coco Gauff, Behind The Racquet

IN THE 16 months since launching Behind The Racquet, Rubin has shared more than 135 stories while building a following of more than 40,000 people on social media. The posts have shown the human side of sport, shining a spotlight on everything from eating disorders and speech impediments to the death of a parent and battles with depression and anxiety.

“These are humans. They have pitfalls,” says retired American tennis star James Blake, who has contributed to the site. “It’s great for young players to get that perspective. In the past, it was all kept secret. But this will help so many realize they’re not alone. It’s OK. And it’s a positive to get help.” Blake believes the pressure in tennis and other individual sports is unlike any other.

“That’s why some of the best talent isn’t always the best performer,” he said. “Every tennis player can tell you about a guy who beat them in practice but couldn’t put together the results when it came time to perform.”

Rubin does the interviews for most of the posts, then paraphrases those conversations into the subject’s voice. In one of his early interviews with his friend Darian King from Barbados, Rubin discovered that King had lost his mom in 2010 to pancreatic cancer, which he did not previously know.

“I stopped the interview,” Rubin said. “I just felt so sorry. I felt like an awful friend. But it wasn’t on him or me. It was on everybody. There just isn’t a platform to feel comfortable talking about things like that.”

Noah Rubin has featured Coco Gauff, Madison Keys, Petra Kvitova and other stars on Behind The Racquet. Cameron Spencer/Getty Images

In early 2019, Rubin connected with Jolene Watanabe, who upset Jennifer Capriati in the 1997 Australian Open. Watanabe was fighting appendix cancer and wanted to spread a message of hope and resilience. Rubin planned to run the post a few weeks later. But then he received a message from Watanabe’s husband, Sylvain Elie. The couple had just returned from the Mayo Clinic, and the news was not good. Doctors told Watanabe she had two weeks to live. She was saying her final goodbyes. Elie asked Rubin whether he could put her on Behind The Racquet before she died.

“She was basically bedridden,” Elie said. “She wasn’t using her phone that much. I told her you might want to check Behind The Racquet. She was emotional about it. It meant a lot to her.”

Added Rubin: “Here’s this dumb idea I had jet-lagged, and it becomes one of someone’s final wishes. I can’t even compute and articulate what that means. If anything, it just shows I have to keep doing this.”

In April, L’Equipe, the daily French sports newspaper, included Rubin as one of six active players in its list of the 20 most influential people in tennis. The other five: Federer, Novak Djokovic, Andy Murray, Rafael Nadal and Serena Williams. The paper referred to Rubin as a “lanceur d’alerte,” a whistleblower.

There’s now a Behind The Racquet podcast, merchandise and long-term talks of a docuseries and a tabletop book. Rubin hopes to share the stories of athletes in other sports while also connecting with Talkspace, an online therapy platform, and developing mental health camps through the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

“It’s grown into something far bigger than I could have imagined,” Rubin said.

“It always affects me when people judge without any thought. It is one thing to argue but to think your opinion is the best never makes sense.” — Daniil Medvedev, Behind The Racquet

IF THERE’S ONE thing all professional athletes know, it’s that everyone has an opinion. For Rubin, it started with the passive-aggressive comments of neighborhood parents when he would miss a birthday or bar mitzvah for a tennis tournament. As a professional, it’s become the gamblers, who Rubin says reach out on social media with everything from “Your mom should die in hell” to “Hitler should have killed your people.” “The most racist, homophobic, sexist, anti-Semitic comments you can imagine,” he says. “It’s incredible.” Now the topic is Behind The Racquet. There are those who insist Rubin is complaining because he is not good at tennis, others who suggest Behind The Racquet is a distraction getting in the way of his tennis potential, and still others who insist just the opposite, that tennis is getting in the way of Behind The Racquet and his mental health work.

“Everything changes depending how I played that day,” he said. “I’m always like, ‘Just pick one, people.'”

Ignoring some fans’ wishes, Rubin intends to continue pursuing both his tennis passion and his work in mental health awareness. Barrington Coombs/Getty Images

For now, Rubin’s plan is to pursue both lanes. It’s become normal for Rubin to compete at a tournament and have a competitor tell him that he appreciates the site or that he’s thought about how he would share his own story.

“On the most basic of levels, it’s gotten people to think about these things, maybe even speak to others about them,” he said.

Rubin has spent the coronavirus pandemic back in New York with his girlfriend, practicing on the streets while using his free time to focus even more on Behind The Racquet. He says he has more than 30 interviews in his queue.

On a personal level, he has finally found a balance of happiness and contentment. His game is as strong as it’s been, he insists. And even when he does inevitably struggle, he has learned how to handle it better.

“It’s become an extreme form of therapy,” he said. “You have these deep conversations and begin to understand there is more to life than tennis. There’s more to tennis than tennis. And you can’t give up your happiness to get to the top.”

Source link

The post On Behind The Racquet, Noah Rubin brings tennis players’ mental, emotional struggles into focus appeared first on The Bleak Report.

from WordPress https://bleakreport.com/on-behind-the-racquet-noah-rubin-brings-tennis-players-mental-emotional-struggles-into-focus/

#Sports Report

0 notes

thisdaynews · 5 years

Text

Wimbledon junior champion Noah Rubin on improving mental health in tennis

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/wimbledon-junior-champion-noah-rubin-on-improving-mental-health-in-tennis/

Wimbledon junior champion Noah Rubin on improving mental health in tennis

Noah Rubin (centre) has captured the stories of Grand Slam finalists Bianca Andreescu, Petra Kvitova and Madison Keys (top row), comedian Miranda Hart and LMFAO singer Redfoo (middle row), plus British players Heather Watson, Cameron Norrie and Katie Swan (bottom row)

Recently crowned US Open champion Bianca Andreescu speaks of “feeling worthless” as she struggled to cope with the attention of being a rising teenage star.

Former Grand Slam finalist Madison Keys reveals an eating disorder left her living off three low-calorie bars a day.

British player Katie Swan talks about the impact of her coach’s son falling through a glass window and needing life-saving surgery.

Mental health issues. Sexuality. Financial worries. Leaving home for the first time. Death.

American player Noah Rubin, the 2014 Wimbledon junior champion seeking to fulfil his promise on the ATP Tour, is giving his fellow professionals a platform to open up – whatever the subject.

His Behind The Racquet project, inspired by Humans of New York – a revealing photoblog of the city’s residents now tracked by millions of social media users worldwide, sees current players, former players and celebrity fans including British comedian Miranda Hart pose behind the strings of a racquet.

Accompanying the striking image is an emotive personal story.

“This has never really been done before, something that shows what these people, who are thought of as having perfect lives or doing really well because they are professional players, are really going through,” Rubin tells BBC Sport.

“You really get an understanding of what they’re going through on a day-to-day basis, what their thought process is, what their mentality is, how they are feeling, how their family is, just how difficult tennis is.”

Rubin, 23, is determined to influence change in a sport which he says is “very tough on the body and the mind”.

Belgian player Alison van Uytvanck, in a post published earlier this month, gives a candid insight into the low self-esteem she felt as a youngster when she was bullied at training camps because of her ginger hair.

“I never felt so alone, having no friends and unable to really talk to parents,” she says. “I had no-one to lean on for help and found myself crying in my room day after day.”

Rubin believes a fundamental overhaul of the game is needed to help improve the mental wellbeing of the players, while he also says more support pathways need to be opened up.

Improved access to psychologists and the creation of outreach programmes for youngsters, where a former professional is easily contactable to offer advice, is a key strategy outlined by Rubin.

“The seasons are way too long, the matches are too long, it is not fan-friendly, it is not promotable, it is not TV-friendly. There are so many issues,” Rubin says.

“I think we are a little scared of making true fundamental changes – but we have to.”

The ATP Tour’s 2020 season begins on 2 January with the newly launched ATP Cup, starting just six weeks after some of the world’s leading male players took part in the inaugural Davis Cup finals.

Top female players have a slightly longer break – the season-opening Brisbane International on 6 January comes two months after the WTA Finals finished.

While men’s five-set matches are now reserved for Grand Slams and the Olympic final, the length of matches has still prompted plenty of debate.

Tentative attempts to introduce shorter formats of the game have been made – notably with first-to-four-games sets at the ATP NextGen finals and the creation of the Tie Break Tens events, but are yet to break through on the main ATP and WTA Tours.

Uniform change is difficult, however, with seven governing bodies – the ITF, ATP, WTA and four Grand Slams – rarely pulling in the same direction.

“We’re at a time where we have to break down the sport of tennis, invest, take a hit for a year or two and bring the sport to a place to where it has never been before,” Rubin says.

The WTA says the health and safety of its players – physical and mental – are its “number one priority”.

“The WTA has a comprehensive sports science and medicine and athlete assistance support system in place, which is staffed by experienced and expert therapists within the WTA,” it said in a statement.

“The WTA provides extensive resources and education to [help] players manage the challenges professional athletes may face, such as performing under pressure, international travel, managing health, public scrutiny, public commentary and ‘growing up’ in the public eye.”

The WTA added that players can receive individual counselling and support if needed from qualified mental health care providers, both at WTA tournaments and remotely.

The ATP said it was “continually looking to build on its duty of care towards its players” and had recently carried out a review of this area with players, team members and industry experts.

In a statement, the ATP said: “Tournament physicians and physiotherapists on the ATP Tour are in continual contact with players and their support teams throughout the year. In cases where a player were to express psychological concerns, we have an infrastructure that would refer them to the appropriate consultant.

“In situations where ATP physios and tournament physicians are concerned about a player’s mental, emotional and psychological health, we would recommend that the player seek treatment and assist in the initiation of the appropriate care.”

‘I had dark times. This sport isn’t conducive to happiness’

Passionate, articulate and determined to influence change, Rubin speaks from the heart.

Around the time of this year’s French Open, he almost stopped playing a sport to which he has dedicated most of his life. As an 11-year-old, he was said to have been described as “one of the most talented players” fellow New Yorker John McEnroe had come across.

“I didn’t know whether I was going to stop for good or just some real time off. I was telling my family and friends that I just don’t want to play the sport any more,” Rubin remembers.

“I wasn’t happy – the sport isn’t conducive to happiness. I don’t know if I want to throw the word depressed around, but at moments I felt like that.

“I was really thinking this was the end and the last time I was going to hit a tennis ball competitively.”

What changed for the world number 212 was spending less time on court, addressing his work-life balance and rediscovering the fun which made him enjoy tennis in the first place.

Rubin moved back to New York from Florida, practised about an hour a day, and then qualified for Wimbledon where he missed out on a third-round meeting with Roger Federer by losing to British youngster Jay Clarke.

Rubin repeatedly makes it clear he still loves the sport, and believes a change of focus – he talks of his love for fashion and photography, as well as still having time for Netflix and HBO – can enable him to crack the world’s top 50 next year.

“I started to figure out that it is far more important to put happiness on a pedestal rather than spend eight hours on a court,” he concludes.

“I had dark times where I didn’t know if I was going to make it out as a tennis player.

“This world of Behind The Racquet has opened up my eyes, it has given me another passion and helped take some pressure of the world of tennis.

“Now I understand it is far more important to be happy.”

Rubin pauses as he recalls one story, which he says still gives him “chills”.

“It was Jolene Watanabe, who was a top-100 player and played in the Grand Slams in the 1990s. She had cancer, was in remission, and I thought she was going to make it.

“Then I got a message from her husband on Instagram saying ‘I just want you to know she is saying her final goodbyes right now and it would be very much appreciated if you could post her story’.

“To hear that they’re going through something where she’s not going to make it and he was thinking he wanted me to post her story on Behind The Racquet so people could know about it, be a part of it and inspire them… it leaves me speechless.

“To have that kind of impact was something I could not have fathomed, especially this early on, and that’s why I keep pushing on.”

Jolene Watanabe, who famously beat Jennifer Capriati at the 1997 Australian Open, had her story posted by Behind The Racquet on 2 May this year. She died on 22 June.

How it began… and what next?

It was during a sleepless night after arriving home from Australia that Rubin formulated the concept of Behind The Racquet.

After inspiration struck at 3am, he acquired the name of his new project on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. Within three days he had posted for the first time.

Ten months later, Behind The Racquet has about 35,000 followers across the three platforms, along with a podcast and clothing range as Rubin aims to build the brand.

The next phase is already being worked on, with Rubin aiming to link-up with Talkspace, an online therapy platform which boasts legendary American swimmer Michael Phelps as an ambassador, and the National Association of Mental Illness, as he looks to set up mental health camps for players and perhaps film a docu-series.

Sharing the stories of the sport’s biggest names – Rubin hopes seven-time Grand Slam singles champion Venus Williams and US Open runner-up Daniil Medvedev will feature before the end of the year – is another target.

“Not only are many in a sport where they can’t make money, they’re in a sport where you don’t win very often, so they’re combining failure on the court with failure financially,” Rubin says.

“What I’m really trying to do is pave a way for people that, in five or 10 years from now, are saying ‘this is better because of Behind The Racquet’.”

Noah Rubin launched Behind The Racquet with a post on 19 January where he revealed his “most daunting fear” was letting down family and friends

Live scores, schedule and results

Alerts: Get tennis news sent to your phone

#Health #mental

0 notes

theopentable · 7 years

Text

Temptations in the Wilderness (Part 2)

Picture, for a moment, your life as a leaky balloon.

Philosopher Alain de Botton says we’re all like leaky balloons, constantly at the mercy of people attitudes and action. He says this:

Our ‘ego’ or self-conception could be pictured as a leaking balloon, forever requiring the helium of external love to remain inflated and vulnerable to the smallest pinpricks of neglect. There is something sobering and absurd in the extent to which we are cheered by attention and damaged by disregard. Our mood may blacken because a colleague has greeted us absent-mindedly and our calls have been left unanswered. And we are capable of finding life worth living because someone has remembered our name and sent us a fruit basket.

- ALAIN DE BOTTON IN STATUS ANXIETY

We are impacted by the way people treat us.

Esteemed and treated well we stay afloat; criticised or ignored and we can feel like we lose something of ourselves.

We are deeply affected by the absence of love. Love makes us human.

And on the other side of things lovelessness creates a bit of a legacy in our lives.

We may, in our vulnerability or incompleteness, feel the need to prove and protect ourselves.

Perhaps all it takes is a question – is it really true that you can fly around the world in 10 seconds?

Before we know it we’ve done two laps of the world before collapsing, utterly exhausted.

We may feel the pressure to become something, or somebody we currently are not.

Or maybe we’re too much like that and not enough like something else.

Or not smart enough.

Or not skinny enough.

Or not [……….] enough (you fill in the blank)

It’s true to at least some extent for all of us that we live with a fundamental insecurity that shapes our lives more on some level.

And what we might even discover is that we’ve been so busy dancing to this tune or that tune, so busy seeking to earn our love from everybody else, that somehow overtime we’ve lost touch with who we really are.

Who are we? How do we know who we are?

These may well be the most important question we ever ask.

Nothing will shape the trajectory of our lives more than how we live out this question.

* * *

Let’s look at this second temptation.

Jesus is tired, hungry and alone in the desert. Jesus is vulnerable.

He has negotiated the first temptation to turn stones into bread.

He knows there’s more to life than bread, more to life than merely satisfying our appetites – we’re built for more! We’re built to run on God!

So the devil then offers Jesus another probing examination.

5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and placed him on the pinnacle of the temple, 6 saying to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down; for it is written,

‘He will command his angels concerning you,’ and ‘On their hands they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your foot against a stone.’”

“Jesus,” the devil, puts forward, “being the anointed one and all, you’ve got angel armies at your disposal. Do something flashy. Show us what you can do. Let’s see some party tricks Jesus! You’ve got the attention of the crowd, come on then, dazzle us!”

The devil knows that people are always attracted to spectacular displays.

If we’re impressive enough and enough people notice us we are loved well.

Jesus could rubber stamp his golden presence with miraculous certification.

He would be esteemed, an instant celebrity – his name in lights!

So long as he kept delivering what the people wanted. So long has he kept telling them what they wanted to hear.

Do you get how dangerous this? Do you get what’s on the line?

Jesus could have easily been a flimsy politician who flip and flops depending on the opinion polls or approval ratings of the crowd.

He could have been a chameleon, ever changing to his various contexts and crowds.

People would have loved him.

But he wouldn’t have been anything more than a figure we liked immensely so long as he kept dancing to the tune.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said that,

‘To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment’.

When the devil tempted Jesus to do something flashy he said to him,

7 Jesus said to him, “Again it is written, ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”

Jesus refused to dabble in senseless experiments with the power of God (v.12).

These weren’t acts that would prove any kind of trust in God. God was already pleased with Jesus! These were acts to impress the crowd.

Jesus had to get inside what really mattered to him: will my life be defined by a fear of God or by a fear of man?

He wasn’t going be the Popular Messiah, the Great Celebrity who lived for the applause of the world.

Jesus couldn’t afford to lose who he was for the approval rating of the crowd. He might be the flavour of the month for a short time, but that sensationalism would never last.

The world doesn’t need more celebrities; it needs people who know who they are and will live out their walk with God irrespective of whether they are understood or celebrated by those around us.

There is after all, too much on the line. We only get one crack.

And of course is does happen. We can easily get swallowed up by the temptation to live for the approval of others.

Andre Agassi.

Andre Agassi is an eight-time Grand Slam champion, a 1996 Olympic gold medalist, and the first male player to win 4 Australian Open titles.

He is the only man to have won all four Grand Slam tournaments on three different surfaces combined with an Olympic gold medal, as well as the ATP Tour World Championship.

During his 20-plus year tour career, Agassi was known by the nickname "The Punisher".

And yet Agassi shocked the world when in his memoir, he publicly confessed for the first time that he had hated playing tennis from the time he first picked up a racket to the day he retired.

Agassi described growing up with a father whose love for him was tied to his performance on the court.

What drove him to become a champion wasn’t a passion for the game but his desire to win the heart of a father whom he describes as unable to “tell the difference between loving me and loving tennis.”

Imagine that.

A life dedicated to something he hated for someone he wanted to be loved by.

* * *

But could it be possible that we’re all like this on some level?

The temptation Jesus felt, and what we all feel on at least some level, is really about projecting the most impressive version of ourselves to meet unmet needs to affection and esteem.

We care how other people see us because how they see us (often) determines how others treat us and how others treat us determines our own sense of how lovable we are.

Deep down most of us all doubt and fear that if someone really saw us for who we really are then they wouldn’t really want us.

So we abandon these hidden parts of ourselves that somehow make us who we are and instead spend our life inhabiting roles and personas that seem to garner good responses from others.

And if that role or persona won’t cut it then we’ll change it in a heartbeat. We’ll become something else.

The cry of our hearts is love me! And here are several reasons why you should…

Really, we believe, that the world only values us for what we do, rather than who we are.

Our life becomes a battle for significance.

Of course the real challenges comes with slowing down.

When we step out of our performance roles for a moment we’re left with deep identity questions.

We’re not sure who we are if we don’t have a role and don’t hear the applause.

We wonder, among the thousands of masks we wear, which one is the authentic me?

Our deep fear is this: What if there’s no one behind the image?

What if there’s no real substance to who we are?

At this point we are presented with what can feel like a terrifying crisis.

Here we are confronted with our own emptiness.

The temptation to go and generate new and convincing reasons for others to love us rages like an inferno.

But this is our opportunity.

Here’s our change to stay with our emptiness just long enough that our authentic self has an opportunity to be discovered.

We will feel the temptation to panic and retreat behind our crafted persona again, but if we can stay slow and open something new can take place.

To be honest though, this doesn’t usually happen on our own terms.

Understandably, we often seek to move through life from success to success and all the while people cheer us on!

Often what tends to open us up to these questions about who we really are is a catastrophe, a fall, or a failure or some significant event that turns everything on its head – in other words, we are thrust into the wilderness of life.

Maybe that career we’ve been carving out for so long comes to a grinding halt either through unemployment or even retirement.

How many people spend their whole life anticipating retirement only to feel entirely lost on the other side?

Maybe it’s swapping the impressive tools of your trade for nappies and wipes as you move from the adrenaline-charged rush of one setting to the mundane cycles of sleep, feed, change, repeat!

Or maybe it’s the opposite – maybe it’s waving goodbye to the last of the kids and you’re caught wondering, who am I now that no one needs me in the same way as a parent?

Or maybe something happens, maybe some kind of incident or mishap that means you can’t do the same work anymore. Maybe it’s not psychologically healthy anymore or maybe your body just won’t do what it once did.

What now?

Pain and humiliation and powerlessness and failure don’t feel good, but they can also be our great teacher.

Life in the wilderness isn’t exactly luxurious living, but it can be transformational.

Because what the wilderness might offer us is the opportunity to strip away the bits that don’t matter as much as we think they do to get to the stuff that will really last the distance.

And the truth is, for all of us who feel the pull to be something that others will celebrate, that God’s not as interested as we might think in what we do.

He doesn’t care about your polished and impressive image.

He doesn’t care about your trophies, or your degrees, your pay packet, nor the amount of hours you work per week.

From the divine perspective, who you are is who you are from all eternity.

Before you were put together, God knew you, and cherished you.

And when all is said and done, if you get to reach old age and you’re not much more than a bag of old bones with no tricks left, or maybe even no memory, no matter!

Because God knows who you are. God sees you. God delights in you.

In Luke 10 the disciples rejoice because they go out and cast out demons.

Jesus says to them,

“I watched Satan fall from heaven like a flash of lightning. 19 See, I have given you authority to tread on snakes and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing will hurt you.” (vv18-19)

And then he says this,

20 Nevertheless, do not rejoice at this, that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

Jesus is barely interested in their impressive works.

Don’t find your joy there.

Don’t find your joy in your achievements or your attributes.

Find your joy instead in the fact that your name is written in the book of life.

Your name is recorded by God.

God knows your name.

God know you.

And delights in you.

This is not to say that performance self is in any way your bad self, it’s just not your true self.

Your true self is wrapped up in your union with God – union that can’t be shifted, can’t be brought closer, can’t be pushed further away – it just is.

You are bound to God, our spirit and God’s Spirit, entangled and entwined.

We are one with Christ.

We are hidden in Christ.

Our identity is in Christ.

So whatever you say about Jesus you have to say about you.

You are God’s beloved son.

You are God’s beloved daughter.

God is delighted in you, ecstatic!

God desires you!

And you can’t change that.

There is infinite significance in this relationship, a significance that we cannot find elsewhere – though the temptation is real.

So does this mean we drop all our roles and give up on performing?

By no means.

But it might transform our doing.

Whatever it is that we do, we don’t do any of it to gain approval.

You’ve already got it.

Instead you live from a place of approval.

You go out into the world charged with the energy of divine love and affection.

You go out into the world sharing in God’s delight and passion for the world God created.

It makes all the difference.

0 notes

movietvtechgeeks · 7 years

Photo

Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/stan-wawrinka-works-hard-2017-french-open-round-three/

Stan Wawrinka works hard for 2017 French Open Round Three

Ukraine's Alexandr Dolgopolov made former French Open champion Stan Wawrinka work hard for his 6-4, 7-6 (5), 7-5 win and advancement into the third round. Former French Open champion Stan Wawrinka posted another solid performance to reach the third round at the French Open on Thursday. [pdf-embedder url="https://movietvtechgeeks.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/2017-roland-garros-french-open-mens-singles-third-round-draw-schedule.pdf" title="2017 roland garros french open mens singles third round draw schedule"] Yet to drop a set at the tournament so far, the three-time Grand Slam champion played aggressively and close to the lines throughout, hitting 45 winners to beat Alexandr Dolgopolov. "The most important thing for me is the way I play," said Wawrinka, who beat Novak Djokovic in the final two years ago. "It was a difficult challenge because he is varying and mixing his shots well." Dolgopolov made only 18 unforced errors, but Wawrinka played a flawless baseline game, punctuated by some superb shots. “I think was a really good match. I'm really happy with my game today,” said Wawrinka, who will next take on Italian Fabio Fognini. ��I think in general he was playing well. I knew what to expect against him. I needed to be focused on myself.” "Again a tough match," Wawrinka said. "Kind of player like Dolgopolov, unpredictable." The third-seeded Wawrinka moves into the third round in Paris for the 10th time and has yet to drop a set during his 2017 Roland Garros campaign. He's trying to become only the third man in the Open Era to win three or more Grand Slam titles after turning 30 (also Rod Laver and Ken Rosewall). Wawrinka has now won six matches in a row after winning the Geneva title on Saturday. “I think here I'm playing great tennis, so we'll see. It's only been two matches, so it's a long way to go if you want to stay here until the end. So that's what I'm focusing on, trying to do the right thing match after match, and we'll see what's going to happen,” Wawrinka said. Much of the focus in Paris has been on Wawrinka's peers, including fourth seed Rafael Nadal, who's going for his 10th Roland Garros title; defending champion Novak Djokovic, who's been joined by new coach Andre Agassi for the first time; and top seed Andy Murray, who's trying to turn around his clay-court season. But Wawrinka doesn't mind. “For me, it doesn't matter if we talk about me or not. I'm No. 3 in the world. I won three Grand Slams the past three years. I know what my level is, I know what I can do,” Wawrinka said. “I know exactly what I have to do in order to win a Grand Slam... so I just want to remain focused on what I do.” The 2015 titlist entered the match with a losing 1-2 FedEx ATP Head2Head record against Dolgopolov, who was trying to reach the third round at Roland Garros for the first time since 2011 and match his best Paris run. But the two had never competed on clay, and Wawrinka showed his prowess on the red dirt throughout their two-hour and 36-minute match. Wawrinka broke in the second game and again to end the first set. Both players held throughout the second set, but Wawrinka surged at the end of the tie-break to take a two-set lead. Dolgopolov, a two-time clay-court titlist, brought his best tennis in the third set, overcoming an early break to be on serve at 5-5. But, with Dolgopolov serving at 5-5 and facing break point, Wawrinka showed the skills that helped him beat Novak Djokovic in the 2015 Roland Garros final. He fed Dolgopolov a barrage of backhands before smashing a forehand up the line for the break. He served out the match to 30. Wawrinka will next meet Italian Fabio Fognini, who beat countryman Andreas Seppi 6-4, 7-5, 6-3. Fognini, the 28th seed, converted six of 18 break points. Earlier, Karen Khachanov advanced to the third round of a Grand Slam tournament for the first time by upsetting 13th-seeded Tomas Berdych 7-5, 6-4, 6-4. The 21-year-old Russian had 12 aces against Berdych and set up a big server contest. He will take on No. 21 seed John Isner for a spot in the fourth round. The American player hit 21 aces in his 6-3, 7-6 (3), 7-6 (2) victory over Paolo Lorenzi. On a sunny day at the clay-court Grand Slam, there was plenty of drama and tears on court 2, where Nicolas Almagro retired early in the third set against No. 29 seed Juan Martin Del Potro because of an injured left knee. Del Potro, the 2009 U.S. Open champion, also had physical problems on his upper right leg during the match. He won the first set 6-3, then Almagro took the second by the same score, and it was 1-all in the third when the match ended. Almagro's left knee was taped by a trainer. Then he stopped playing and rested both hands on his knees and shook his head. Then he held his hands on his head and began crying, before falling onto his back. Del Potro climbed over the net and walked over to check on Almagro. In the women's draw, Agnieszka Radwanska won back-to-back matches for the first time since reaching the final in Sydney in January. Radwanska, seeded ninth at the French Open, beat qualifier Alison Van Uytvanck 6-7 (3), 6-2, 6-3. Earlier in the clay-court season, Radwanska has missed the Madrid and Rome tournaments because of a right foot injury. "I have been struggling with my health for a couple of weeks," Radwanska said. "I only had a week practice, so I am just very happy to be in the third round." Among the women also advancing to the third round were No. 5 seed Elina Svitolina and No. 14 Elena Vesnina.

Movie TV Tech Geeks News

#ATP #Fabio Fognini #Featured #French Open #Stan Wawrinka

0 notes