#tw: pacemaker/defibrillator

[maintitle]

I watched DS9's It's Only A Paper Moon yesterday, and I want to talk about it because it wasn't until right now that I understood why it slapped me across the face so much, and why I think that episode is so important to me.

This may be triggering to people with disabilities, heart conditions, disabilities from COVID, or medical or military related trauma. Read ahead at your own risk.

I developed a heart condition at 18 from the H1N1 virus (which is why I tell all my friends to take preventive measures if they had COVID, because these kinds of new and unknown viruses can have long-lasting effects on you we don't know yet). While I had a lot of tests and missed a lot of school that year, the effects of that wouldn't be clear for years until at 24 I got a pacemaker/defibrillator put in in what we later found out was a life-saving surgery. The trauma of that event took a long time to catch up with me. While I'm still facing symptoms and limitations from that period of my life, the immediate danger has passed. But it took A LONG time for the fear of what happened to me, the PTSD of that event, to catch up with me. I've dealt with huge panic attacks and hyper-obsessive fears regarding my heart since around twenty-nine, fears I live with and fight through in therapy to this day.

As someone facing those issues, I hooked onto A Paper Moon this watch in a way I haven't before. The issue deals with the loss of Nog's leg in battle earlier in the season, a traumatic experience he had in the middle of a warzone only halfway through their defense. During his recovery, Julian begins to play recordings of I'll Be Seeing You, put together by Vic Fontaine, a semi-aware holodeck program that is really popular on DS9.

Nog returns from surgery at the beginning of the episode, and is walking with a cane. Multiple people on staff, including Julian himself, is concerned over the use of the cane because medically, he shouldn't have a need for it. He shouldn't even be in pain based off of what they know from the new leg and the nerves around it, but he's in pain and having trouble walking. A lot of the arguments in the early episode revolve around people talking behind Nog's back about how they can't understand why he has the cane or why he's in pain when there doesn't appear to be a medical reason for it.

The answer is actually incredibly simple: It's not the leg, it's the trauma from loosing the leg. Nog, who is still incredibly young in the episode, had somehow seen himself as invincible, a young cadet wanting to prove Ferengi can be incredible members of Starfleet, who had seen quite a bit of action and was cocksure, and in one moment he not only lost that bravado, but he also learned he was mortal in one horrifying singular moment.

Obviously, Nog is lucky enough to live in an era where it's possible to replace a lost limb, but that doesn't change the fact that for a horrifying unmentioned, maybe SEVERAL DAY period of time, he was left on a makeshift bed, listening to fighting outside, knowing that he could be attacked at any time, could die at any time from factors not even exterior to him. And now he just has to... go back to life after that horrifying dose of his own mortality.

The only thing that gets him by is that recording of I'll Be Seeing You by Vic Fontaine, because that's the only thing that he had to take him out of that horrifying situation while he laid on that makeshift gurney. The episode explores that idea by having him play it while trying to sleep, and eventually go to the holodeck and try to live in it with Vic after he was shamed for being in bed too long and for listening to said music for too long.

The funny thing is, Vic is the ONLY person, INCLUDING THE COUNSELOR ONBOARD DS9, who recognizes that his pain is valid. Vic, as a hologram, recognizes that his pain isn't crazy, it's as real as the injury he experienced, because Vic has a perspective that none of these hyper-worn-down Starfleet Officers or parental figures in his life has: His LIFE is a series of not-real instances of pain, of happiness, of dealing with other people he knows are holograms. Vic isn't like Moriarty in TNG, he's not like other semi-sentient Holodeck programs, he KNOWS he's a program but he also finds that life to be very real FOR HIM. The feelings of one of his bandmates are as real to him as the problems of Julian walking in to talk about one of the many women he simps for not feeling the same, because despite knowing they're not physically real, he CARES for them and takes their lives seriously.

Nog's feelings are real. His PAIN is real, even if a doctor can't understand why. Nog's in the middle of a long, extended panic attack where he's internalizing a near life-ending medical emergency and doesn't know how to DEAL with it. He loses himself in the program because it's the only place he can get past the trauma of the event, he's hostile to others who try and look at him with pity or as a hero because he doesn't want to be DEFINED by that pain. Vic knows this, and builds him up in other ways. Gives him a life to live, watches him slowly not need the cane and not even realize it, gives him tools and an environment to cope and generally is the only person that validates that trauma.

The episode is maybe one of the series best mental health episodes possible, and DS9 is generally REALLY good with these issues. As someone with medical trauma, I saw myself in Nog. I'm sure others who have experienced disabilities in the military see even more of themselves in him. We relate to it because we're constantly belittled or told our pain is in our heads, when the truth is we FEEL it. I feel it multiple times a month, when I lay down and go to bed and lay on my side just right that I can feel my heartbeat, and then I overanalyze it, and then that leads to a panic attack and me grabbing a pressure cuff or a fingertip pulse whatever it is to see if I'm okay, but by then I can't come down from the panic attack until it's done. I feel it when I'm helping someone move or if I'm on a casual walk and I feel my heartbeat spike, and my mind overreacts and wonders if this is normal exertion or a heart attack.

Not FEELS these things. It's real pain. And Vic doesn't invalidate it. It's as real as the injury itself, and it's not one that he'll ever truly conquer. But the episode gives him time, space and kindness to help him find coping mechanisms in order to continue with his life and dreams, and THAT'S Trek to me. A future where these things can be understood and worked through, without the constant shame that people with disabilities face when describing the trauma responses they suffer on a day-to-day basis.

In the end, Nog is heard. The main characters come to understand that what he felt is real. The episode gives him the time to work through complicated PTSD, and while he's not okay at the end, he's learning to live with it. And it's really fucking special to see this explored with a character we saw grow up into a man, on a show where the future is meant to be better than the present, written by writers in 1998 where they had no right to handle this as well as they did. This was an exceptionally special episode of television.

[tvseries-writings]

Fight for us

Maya x Carina x reader

PLOT: A big fire makes the reader worry more about other people than about herself and her pacemaker is not very happy about it, as are her girlfriends.

TW: heart failure, pacemaker

You didn't think the week could get any worse than it was already going then, all of a sudden, you had received a call from Teddy Altman, your cardiologist, alerting you to the fact that it was time to change the batteries in your pacemaker and that the latter was exhibiting some malfunctions that she definitely wanted to check. You sigh, shrugging your shoulders with the intent to shrug off that phone call before sipping your second cup of coffee. And to think that today is your day off and you are already stressed.

“Bambina, that's decaf right?”

Carina walks up to you and kisses you on the lips, biting your lip and looking at you with a look you know very well.

“No, I would definitely say it's not. You know it's not good for you y/n and besides, move that phone; it needs to be at least six inches from the pacemaker.” You sigh, rolling your eyes and shaking your head, but before Carina can scold you again, both yours and her phone ring. That's never a good sign, never.

“Dr. DeLuca”

“Pamedic Y/n”

And if the week had already seemed like crap to you, the words coming out of your boss's mouth only dangerously dash all your hopes for improvement. You and Carina end the call at the same time and then, after a moment of silence, finally finding the courage to speak.

“There's a fire in Fall City’s forest, I've been asked about-”

“Me too,” you say, looking at your girlfriend and voicing the same thought that is haunting both of you.

“Have they called Station 19 yet?”

“I don't know Bella but since they've called all the available workers I think so.”

You exchange a worried look before you decide to pull Carina into a hug.

“She will be fine love, Maya is a fighter and will always come back to us. Let's go save some lives now.”

........................................................…………………..

You are treating a patient's burns when you see Maya enter the tent where both you and Carina are treating patients. You finish bandaging Kelly, the girl in front of you, before quickly running into Maya's arms.

“Woah, hey, I didn't know they called you guys too.” Maya returns the hug, and although your girlfriend smells like soot, you bask in her scent before pulling away when you hear Carina join you.

You hear them talking but you don't really listen to what they're saying; you're tired, your body is telling you to take a break, and your heart, despite the pacemaker, is really acting up at the moment.

“Y/n, are you okay?”

You realize you're rubbing your hand right over the pacemaker only when Carina stops you by locking your wrist.

“Hey, are you-”

Maya is stopped by a sweaty Warren who comes running into the tent.

“Bishop, we need you. The captain wants you with her.”

Maya gives you a look and then an apologetic smile before hurrying off but not without first giving Carina a look that was definitely not aimed at the Italian.

The two of you watch the blonde leave and just as Carina turns to you to speak, a dozen patients are rushed inside and the Italian is forced to put off questions until later.

You turn to Vic and Travis and run toward them.

“Thirty-nine-year-old female, under cardiac arrest two minutes. Performed two rounds of compressions on scene with no results.”

You nod, quickly slipping on another pair of gloves before replacing Vic, performing a new cycle of compressions yourself as Travis connects the patient to the monitors.

“Vic, get the defibrillator ready.”

You shouldn't exert yourself, you know you shouldn't with the pacemaker discharged, but you really have no choice when you have to choose between your life and a patient's. You swore it to yourself when you took this job.

“It's ready.”

Victoria says and you take the pads from her hands. If Carina saw you using it yourself, she would probably kick your ass and a good lecture in Italian; fortunately, she is very busy at the moment. Travis places the electrodes on the patient's body and then, after a glance, places the paddles on her chest.

“Clear!”

You feel the electricity leave the paddles and see the woman's body lying in front of you jerk before falling back onto the gurney. You will never get used to this feeling.

“There's a pulse, call heli-rescue and keep her monitored until it arrives.”

You say entrusting it to the only two free people in front of you who weren't strictly necessary in there, two residents.

You take off your gloves and throw them in the nearest trash can, quickly procuring another pair before moving on to the next patient then, like a bolt out of the blue, you notice Teddy Altman enter the tent and if your day was already sucking, it now gets drastically worse.

The faint hope that Teddy has not come exclusively for you quickly vanishes when the blonde doctor catches up with you with a look that is anything but friendly.

“Heyy Teddy, what's the best heart surgeon in Seattle doing here? Were you so bored at home that you wanted to help us out?”

You smile, cheekily, before turning to a new patient but before you can even ask her what's wrong, besides the obvious second-degree burn on her shoulder, the cardiac surgeon grabs your arm and drags you away, far enough away from prying ears.

“What the hell are you doing here? A woman came into the hospital and said there was a beautiful paramedic who saved her life and pulled her out of her panic attack by talking about her beautiful girls: an Italian doctor and a blond firefighter.”

You mentally curse yourself for being so specific, dammit. You would have saved yourself at firefighter or doctor, damn it, did you have to be so specific?

You open your mouth to speak, looking for any excuse in the meantime, but before you can formulate one, Teddy starts talking again.

“No no, y/n, don't even try. I had made it clear, no efforts until the checkup and then I find you literally on the biggest fire in years performing CPR?!”

The blonde tries to keep a normal tone even though, from the look on her face, she probably wants to strangle you with her own hands.

“Teddy, look, I know we're friends and you're my cardiologist but you have to understand that I'm also doing my job here. I'm a paramedic and I have to take care of other people's health.”

“I understand that y/n but you won't save anyone when your heart collapses and it will if you don't get checked right away. I came here just for you, I had to ask Bailey's permission and don't think Miranda will let you get away with this recklessness of yours.”

You sigh, moving a lock of hair from your face and thinking about the long lecture Miranda Bailey, who is like a mother to you, will give you as soon as your slender body ends up in front of her judgmental eyes. You're screwed.

“Oh come on Teddy, couldn't you have said some shit to her? Besides, aren't you bound by attorney-client privilege?”

“Well, sure. Or at least we are until the patient turns out to be a danger to himself and-”

The cardiac surgeon's tone of voice rises to such an extent that the speech you are giving is heard by people who should not have heard a single word, such as your very protective Italian girlfriend.

“Hey, Bella is everything okay here? Teddy, hi, did they call you too?”

Carina girds your hips protectively and you lean a little into her grip; the fatigue was already starting to set in before Teddy's visit and now it's only getting worse.

“No, they didn't call me too but I'm here for a patient of mine.”

The Italian observes the look the blonde gives you and it doesn't take her long to realize that you are the patient.

“Y/n, why did Teddy come here for you? Is something wrong with the pacemaker?”

You want to talk, really, tell the truth and face her stern look and a long, long lecture about how you don't take care of yourself but all your attention is diverted to a firefighter, you don't recognize him since he's not from Station 19, who runs inside the tent and talks loudly to Chief Ross.

“Chief, Bishop and Herrera are stuck in a circle of fire and we can't get the flames under control.”

Although there is no shortage of noise in the tent, both you and Carina hear those words perfectly and in less than a second run toward the two.

“What the hell do you mean Maya is stuck? Why hasn't she been pulled out already!”

Carina screams, Italian slipping off her tongue as she does every time she is gripped by a strong emotion, and you know that fear is the strongest and most destabilizing of all, along with love.

Your heart beats in your chest so loudly that you think it might as well pull off the pacemaker, the sounds resulting muffled as you cling to Carina's side to try to calm both her and your crazed heart.

“Apparently Lieutenant Bishop found herself trapped in a circle of fire while she and Herrera were trying to rescue a civilian. We managed to get Herrera out but it was too late for Bishop...now we are trying to transport as much water as we can but they are in a spot we can't reach with trucks and-”

“Damn it, get Bishop out of there at the cost of filling buckets and climbing that damn mountain. Is that clear?”

Chief Ross yells and the fireman jerks before nodding and hastily exiting. Then, the woman turns to the two of you.

“I know it's hard but I promise you we will get Maya out of there; she's a fighter, she'll be fine, I've never met a woman as tenacious as she is.”

The thought of not being able to see Maya again makes your heart even heavier than it already was; you and Carina hug each other tightly, the Italian drops a few tears, and you kiss her head repeatedly, the same way Maya does, caressing her back and suppressing the sharp pain in your chest you are feeling.

“Car..what if last night was the last time we saw her? I can't lose her, not Maya, not today, I can't, I can't,” you sob, the weight of what's happening is too much to keep inside and even though you know you should console Carina, the anguish you're feeling won't let you.

“It will be all right, she will be all right, I must be...” Carina wipes away her tears and then looks up at you, “I am pregnant Bella, it worked.”

And for a moment, for just a moment, you forget where you are and Maya's condition, for just a moment you think only of you, her and Maya holding a beautiful baby and you kiss her. You kiss her deeply and with such passion that if you were not in that situation you would already be on the bed. When you pull away, you run a hand over her stomach and gently caress it with a smile on your face.

“Hey little bean, we love you so much already, you don't know how long we've been waiting for you.”

Carina rests her hand on top of yours and her head on your chest. The adrenaline rush that the news caused you fades and the dull but constant pain in your chest returns like a bolt of lightning as does the fear for the life of the other woman in your life, the other mother of your child.

Teddy, who has been standing on the sidelines up to that point, approaches the two of you and gives you a sympathetic smile.

“I'm sure Firefighter Barbie is fine, she's strong and wants to get back to her girls.”

“Thank you Teddy.”

And then, you hear Carina realize again what you were talking about before you were interrupted.

You sigh and close your eyes for a few moments; Carina turns away from you, and when you open them again, you see her looking at you with the same look you've been dreading ever since you got the call.

“I hope you didn't come here knowing you had problems with your pacemaker.”

Your silence is worth more than confirmation for the Italian.

“O MIO DIO, I can't believe it y/n, you're so stubborn and an idiot I ahh non so cosa fare con voi due, sei mille volte peggio di Maya dannazione.”

You don't understand a single word she said but considering the fact that she is gesticulating…well, you are definitely in trouble.

Fortunately, however, even the wrath of an Italian vanishes when your girlfriend's colleague runs up to you and waves you to follow him and that's exactly what you do, temporarily forgetting what you were discussing.

“Jack, is Maya okay?” Carina says and when the firefighter does not turn to look at you, you fear for the worst: “Gibson, is Maya okay? Is she alive? Is she hurt? Damn it Jack! Answer me!” You yell, shoving the fireman until he turns toward you. His gaze gives nothing away and you are literally about to grab him by the throat but then a familiar face appears in your field of vision.

“Hey, I'm sorry to have worried you. I'm okay, I'm fine, I feared for the worst but the guys managed to pull both Andy and me out of there.”

Maya has an oxygen mask on her face and a blanket around her shoulders but except for that, she seems fine and you think you can squeal from relief. You pounce on her and stuff her face with kisses before letting Carina do the same.

“If you worry us like this again, I'll kill you myself, is that clear?”

“Crystal doc” Maya smiles, leaning over to kiss her before kissing you too.

“Fuck you Gibson” you huff, giving him a shove and he smiles, raising his hands as if to defend himself, “hey, I just wanted you to see it for yourself.”

The fireman walks away and leaves you alone; you rest your forehead on the Italian's back while she and Maya discuss what happened and how Andy is doing. You don't really listen to them; the pain in your chest with Jack's little joke has only gotten worse, and your breath shortens as tiny drops of sweat wet your back.

You have experienced this feeling before, when you had your first heart attack more than four years ago. You feel the pulse in your ears, you cannot even tell whether it is high or extremely low; despite your medical knowledge, you are not clear-headed enough at the moment to tell. You gradually lean more and more against the Italian so much that you almost risk dropping her.

“Car, call...call Teddy. Pacemaker” you whisper and then, everything goes dark as you fall to the ground with a thud.

Carina and Maya freeze for a few seconds before springing into action.

“Hey! We need help, help us!” Carina shouts, turning you over on your stomach and checking your heart rate.

“Maya, I'm going to get Teddy don't move from here, check her pulse and don't you dare take off that oxygen mask.”

The firefighter does not even have time to react that the doctor is already running away.

“Come on love, come on, stay with us.”

Maya massages your chest, checking your pulse and trying at the same time to stimulate your pacemaker. Carina returns in less than a minute, falling on her knees next to your body lying on the floor, followed by Vic, Travis and Teddy.

“Maya, give me her heart rate.”

“32 bpm.”

“Damn, her pacemaker stopped working, it's set on 50 bpm. We need to take her to the hospital and change the batteries or the pacemaker if necessary.”

“The fire has blocked the roads, we can only go to Eli-rescue but it left a while ago and will never be back in less than 40 minutes.” Travis says, looking at the doctor.

“You don't have forty minutes, you don't even have ten minutes.”

Teddy shakes his head, rubbing his forehead as he constantly checks your pulse on the monitor Victoria has diligently hooked you up to. Carina takes an oxygen tank and connects it to a mask that she places on your face, stroking your hair and leaving a kiss on your forehead.

“It will be okay Bella, we are here with you, you have to fight for us. Please.”

The Italian doctor's voice cracks and Maya promptly takes her into her arms, also stroking your hair.

“I have an idea but it is dangerous and I don't know if it will work .”

Maya and Carina cast a glance at each other and then nod.

“Do what you have to but bring her back to us, please.”

Teddy pulls out his stethoscope, auscultating your pulse.

“Montgomery, get the defibrillator.”

Carina and Maya stiffen and look at the monitor. Your heart is not beating above 30 bpm and your blood pressure is dangerously low and falling.

“Teddy, what do you want to do.”

Carina's voice trembles as her hand falls instinctively on your stomach; Maya notices but at the moment is more concerned about you than intrigued by her wife's gesture.

“With a jolt the pacemaker should restart and keep her alive until the hospital or at least I hope so, I only did it one other time in Afghanistan.”

“Did the patient survive?”

Teddy pauses, remaining silent for a few seconds as he applies the electrodes to your chest. Then, after a deep sigh, he turns to the two women kneeling over your dying body.

“No, it was too late for him.”

Carina runs a hand through her hair and then, grabs the blond fireman's hand.

“Maya, I need to tell you something I-”

“Clear!”

The Italian freezes, as does Maya's heart as they watch your body jerk and the terrifying flat line noise that is emitted from the monitor immediately after.

“Come on Bella, please.”

Maya removes her mask and leans over your forehead, leaving a kiss on your temple.

“Come on love, you can do it. Come back to us.”

Your heart starts beating again after one round of compressions from Teddy, and Maya and Carina burst into tears from relief praying that helicopter rescue will arrive in time.

..........................................................................

More than six hours pass before your eyes open and an annoying but familiar pain in your chest, just above the pacemaker, lets you know that you are still in the world of the living. Your hand reaches for the mask on your face but before you can pull it off, a hand stops you.

“Hey, no, you have to keep it on a little longer Bella.”

Carina leaves a kiss on your forehead, turning a small smile to you and intertwining your fingers.

“Welcome back love” Maya smiles at you. She still has her oxygen mask on and at the sight, your stomach knots.

“Are you okay? What are your oxygen levels?”

You sit up and reach toward the fireman; your gaze is so concerned that Maya strokes your cheek and grabs your hand to kiss your knuckles.

“I'm fine my love, I'm sorry for worrying the two women of my life, or three ,” the blonde's smile increases as she rests her hand on the Italian's stomach and your worried look is quickly replaced by a smile. “We're going to be moms.”

“The best ones.”

“Yes, although two of these three moms should learn to take better care of themselves. Did you understand y/n? It was stupid to ignore the device that helps your heart beat idiot”

“Yes, it was totally irresponsible of you” Maya nods, agreeing with Carina, before patting your leg lightly.

“Don't ever try something like that again, you are too important to us.”

Carina whispers and you notice she is holding back tears so you reach out and push her toward you, dropping her sitting on your lap.

“Oh and don't think this is the end of it, Bailey can't wait to give you a good talking to.”

“Shit, I'm screwed.”

“Yeah but not by us. No sex for two months after what you did.”

You pout and then playfully shove Maya while Carina taps her hand on her forehead shaking her head with a smile on her face.

You do believe you will be good mothers after all.

Thank you for reading! It's not my best work but lately I feel like everything I write sucks so...well, thanks anyway and have a great day!

Buy me a coffee on ko-fi

Taglist: @wandanatsbaby @bioquake-archives @bioquakeweek @daisyjohnsonx @wandanatsgirlfriend @chaekhan @station19 @resilientpendragon @so-no-kissing-then @thearchpitbullmx @ashadash0904 @kingshitonly @alwaysgoodnight @callistic @xjule @yuleni18 @simpforwandanat @alexxislexi @mrsdanversromanoff @coollemonsaresour @hushed-woodsman @razorscooteer @eponine-xx @maniacallinc @michelle170 @classyig @elenaguarnieri @scarletwidow @tati3001 @cristin-rjd @your-my-mission @mr-nicely @hi-i-1 @anniethurs @ktstwice @scarlet-raccoon @maria-403 @goldfishthegr8 @wandanatfan @looiegirl-blog @bioquake-blog @daisyjohnsonx

[mortumslab]

Remembering to be Human - Chapter 10

Hello everyone!

Here's chapter 10!

Chapter 10 tw: violence, gore, suicidal thoughts

Chapter 9 Link:

Trapped. Can’t get out. Not alone.

Not alone. Not alone. Feed. Must feed. Hungry.

Become. Become. Hungry. Feed.

“AH.”

Your scream wakes you. Julia’s hands are on you before you can fall out of bed. She pulls you back towards her. Breathing ragged. Heart hammering. The rush of blood is the only sound. Your head throbs. Eyes tight until the pain subsides.

“Arya, what happened?” Her voice is soft yet firm. Trying to ground you. It’s not working. You’re going to be sick.

Breaking from her grip, you bolt to the toilet. The bastard weaving your fate grants you a small mercy as you make it in time. Last night’s meal hits the toilet. Vomiting is normal for you. But the degree to which it has happened this week is concerning. You know the nightmare is related to your identity crisis. The thing inside is breaking through. It’s taking control. 

Julia is behind you. She’s held your hair out of the line of fire. Whatever is happening needs to be fixed soon. Or you may be yourself much longer. Do you tell Julia this? Worrying her may make her more emboldened. But it could get her killed, too. You don’t want her to die for you. Though you know she’s stubborn and would do it anyway. 

You would die for her.

“I think…” you swallow back the nausea. The headache is diminished now. A familiar pulsing. “I think something Heartbreak did. Or the Farm did. It’s inside my head. My telepathy. It’s like another conscience is in there.”

“How is that possible?” 

“I’m not sure. The experiments they did on me were nothing short of torture. Who knows what the damage is.” She helps you to your feet. Turning you to face her. She wraps you in a tight hug. Neither of you has an answer. But you both know who does.

“Just another reason to take the fight to them.” Your voice is muffled against her shirt. You realize a second late that the shirt is a Heartbreak fan shirt. “No way.” And your laughter echoes in the bare bathroom.

“Hey, just supporting my girl.” She smiles. “I have no idea why you have more merch than I do at this point, but I doubt you’re getting royalties.”

“I am not, but seeing that the public doesn’t fully condemn me is nice.” Your goal is to bring awareness to the corruption. Apparently, it’s working. You hadn’t paid much attention to your ranking in the officially unofficial Los Diabolos, but a cursory glance at breakfast tells you you’re in the top 10 of villains. Though commenters under your profile are in a heated keyboard debate about whether you’re a villain.

“We need to get you armor. And a name.” You look to Julia. She is ecstatic. Oh no.

“I have been thinking about this from the moment I started to suspect you were Heartbreak.” 

“Were you fangirling over me before you knew me?” You can’t stop the astonishment from covering your face.

“I will neither confirm nor deny that.” She says with a wink. Confirmation, indeed. “But I have some ideas.”

“Go on, then, enlighten me.” You say with a hint of teasing. She’s truly serious about this. You weren’t sure if it was an empty promise but a clear head doesn’t seem to have dissuaded her.

“Well, I still need to use my mods. So I need to find something to distract from the similarities.” She’s getting excited. You can’t help but smile. “So I was thinking of a few names. And I was thinking about getting a sword.”

“A sword?” You almost laugh. But Charge has never used a weapon. Why should anyone suspect she’s anything more than another villain?

“Yeah! Something I can maybe make electrically charged.”

She’s onto something. “So a name?”

“I had a few ideas.” Then she lists them off. “Diode, Electropath, and then to keep in theme with you, Pacemaker or Defibrillator.”

“I like Pacemaker. It makes it sound like you’re keeping me sane. Which, I guess, is why we’re doing this.” She’s truly giving everything up for you and your crusade. “What did I do to deserve you?” That slipped out. Shit.

“Being you was enough.” She says it so simply it has to be true. Right?

“Sap.” You grumble, finishing your coffee. “I need to coordinate Rosie dropping off money to the Children’s Hospital and then into our funds. Then I need to get Mortum to work on something for you.” 

“What do we do in the meantime?” 

“Investigate, I suppose.” You groan, getting to your feet. “I should suit up and deliver the Koch files to the D.A. and then whatever Blaze recovered.”

“Want some help?” 

“Like before, let me make a show. Drama. Then I’ll escape in a cloud of smoke. Hopefully, no one puts up a fight.” Sighing. “I think I feel better after last night. I’ll eventually need to figure out how to be the brutal fighter and the, well, me. But that’s for after.” After you take down the Farm. Figure out whatever they put in your head. Because you know it’s not making you this way. You are this way. You were broken. Now you’re trying to heal. But it won’t happen until you’re alone in your own head.

“Okay, I’ll keep the Rangers on patrol. I’m sure we also have some work to catch up on.” 

“Hey, how do you keep getting in here? I have several security measures.” You had been wondering this since she’d been in here after your escape from the Ranger HQ. 

“Oh, you have a… security flaw.” A small electrical charge rolls down her arm. 

“Ah, you fried my systems. Twice?” You can’t help but laugh.

“You never gave me a key.” 

“It’s a passcode. It’s the date of our Psychopathor mission.” You feel your cheeks burn up.

“Now who’s the sap.”

“Fuck off, I need to get going.”

Suiting up, you hear Julia leave via the private elevator. You don’t know what will happen if someone catches you together out of gear. But Arya isn’t yet a criminal, and your romance wasn’t exactly a secret in the Sidestep days. Hopefully Heartbreak and Pacemaker draw even less attention.

Julia is officially in your life in a capacity you couldn’t have expected last week. Deep down, you might have hoped for it, but your current career choice felt incompatible. Now, however, you’re letting yourself hope. Hope is dangerous. Hope leads to heartbreak. And there’s been far too much of that lately.

You open Mortum’s contact information on your phone. How do you phrase this? How do you just ask for something? As Arya? Not as Eden? Eden. Eden who’s currently being kept alive in one of Mortum’s research facilities. You had Mortum take her when you decided to go public with the Rangers. 

Your fingers hesitate over the keyboard. Just be honest. Open. Like friends. Because you are.

Hey, I was wondering if I could commission a project from you.

Need to call? 

Yeah.

Then you dial.

“Mon cherie, what can I do for you?”

Deep breath. “Hey, I think I’m going to need another suit. Nothing as high tech but safe and anonymous.”

A moment. “Oh? For yourself?”

Another deep breath. “No, actually, for an associate. Getting myself a sidekick.”

“Do I want to know who it is?”

“I’ll tell you, but it might be better not to know.”

“Ah, I wondered when this would happen.” She sounds amused.

“Are you laughing at me?” 

“I would never.” Definitely a laugh. That one even came across the speaker.

“Well, would that be possible?” Your meekness outside of the suit is your truthful self. Which helps when Heartbreak is nearly overbearing at times.

“Yes, in fact, I might have something available. Would you happen to have her measurements?”

“Uh, shit. Probably not. I can ask?” Her. She knows. You’re becoming swiftly incapable of keeping secrets. Thankfully, Mortum and Julia seem to be the only two who take you apart like this.

“Or I could come to your base. Avoid having to show a Ranger my lab.”

“That works. I have some gear here, but you may need more.”

“What you have will suffice. Tonight?”

“If you’re free, yes.” Relief. Good to have allies. Friends. Being human.

“See you tonight then, Mon cherie.” 

That’s one issue solved. You send a text to Julia.

Need you back here tonight. Mortum has a suit.

One problem solved.

Confronting the mayor wasn’t on your agenda for many months. However, with what Blaze discovered - more communications between GeniTech and Los Diabolos’ ruling class - and your discoveries from Koch, you feel ready to make some waves.

Heartbreak needs an entrance. You always do. And, once again, you find yourself perched on a building overlooking the city hall. You’re surprised they don’t have guards stationed here. You’ve done this enough times you wonder if they’re just asking for you to make a fool of them.

You know Alvarez is in her office. You can see her through her office window. Dampeners are active, but you won’t be here long enough to warrant taking them out.

Deep breath and—

BEEP

Your brows furrow for a moment. A notification? Why? Who?

Julia.

Special Directive is here. They’re being ordered to bring in Steel. They’re not telling us why. Stay away. Love you.

Rage.

Rage rolls through you. 

The Rat King alerts you to nearby guards. You don’t care. You’ve already dropped to your bike stashed below. It’s nearing the end of the day, so you can hide amongst the shadows.

The Rat King is doing its best to calm you, but you’re not about to let go of this. The Directive may be made of ReGenes like yourself, but they do not get to go after your friends. If someone dies. If. It will be on you. And you alone. If they touch Julia. If. 

The soft whirring of your bike is the only sound as you speed through afternoon traffic. You’re not far from the HQ. You wouldn’t have stayed away even if you were. You’ll pretend like you accidentally happened across this. Decided to take advantage of the commotion and rob the place. Something. Not really important right now. What’s important are the two military transports parked outside the Ranger HQ. They’re parked in a position to secure and exfiltrate. You recognize it well. You were usually with the target.

Leaping off your bike, the two ReGenes covering the front entrance are mowed down. The shrapnel of your cycle goes in several directions. One ReGene stops moving. He took the brunt of the force. The other moves on you with inhuman speed.

When you fight, it’s a dance. A graceful mantra you’ve shown the world. Heartbreak is a gentleman as much as a brutal weapon. Now, however, you’re just a weapon. A weapon the Directive created. Mental and physical trauma awaits your enemies.

Your fist catches the remaining ReGene. He goes down, but inhuman joints allow him to catch himself and spin, coming in for another attack. No. One word. One word and the ReGene falls limply at your feet. He’s alive. Barely. You shut him down without even a twinge of a headache.

Stepping over the guards, you stride inside. The receptionist appears to be alive. Terrified but alive.

“Are they upstairs?” Your voice is clipped. Harsh. No joviality. Not normal for Heartbreak.

This level of fear is usually expected. But right now you need information. Data.

“Anna. Are they upstairs?” Your voice softening. You use her name. She blinks. Then nods vigorously.

“Get yourself out of here. I took out the two out front.”

She doesn’t ask why you know her name. Or why you’re helping.

The stairs. You use your grapple to skip the flights. You expect a standoff is going on in the break room. You were correct. Landing at the stair door, you can sense the Ranger team and at least 6 armed ReGene thought-voids. The classic absence of thought never tricked you. Though, you pretended like it did. The Farm was far too willing to believe they’d tamed you. 

Now you’re unleashed.

The door stands no chance. You go through it like a hot knife through butter. The first ReGene nearest you reacts with enhanced speed. But you don’t care. You break his mind. Rage. Pure rage. He drops before even reaching you. The Rat King tells you the others have recovered from your entrance. Steel is ordering them to get into position. 

The next two ReGenes, the first armed with cannons and the second armed with a sword start towards you. While they both launch attacks, you distract the mind of the cannoneer. His shot goes wild, and using the swordsman’s momentum, you grab his wrist and bring the sword down across the cannoneer’s arm. The arm is bisected, and wires and sparks emit from the stub. You use the weight of the swordsman and, while flipping him over your shoulder, drive the sword through his abdomen. Both are still alive. Pain gates on. You hear Julia yelling. Six more Special Directive ReGene have entered the room. Did they spend fourteen Re-Gene on you? Really? Julia is being surrounded. None of the Rangers expected a battle. None of them are armed or suited up. 

Herald has one around the neck and is lifting them into the air. He’s wailing on the faceplate, but the ReGene doesn’t seem to care. Three from the original party have surrounded Argent. She’s having fun. The invulnerable woman is in her element. She’s using her morphogenic sword and is easily matching all three who also wield melee weapons. Steel and Julia are surrounded by the remaining five. 

You’re not even sure what the ReGenes in front of Julia and Steel are outfitted with. It hardly matters. You’re running on pure hate. You strip the first ReGene of its arm. It screams in pain. The arm is entirely metal. It makes a decent club to cave in the skulls of the next two. The fourth ReGene you hit so hard, your fist goes entirely through him. You pull out wires instead of guts. Disappointing. The remaining two have decided you’re a threat. Peripherally, you see Steel cradling a missing limb. One of his cybernetic arms is missing. 

Two ReGenes are standing over Julia. She has a gash across her chest. Blood. A lot. Julia. Hurt.

There are too many. Overwhelmed. You can’t get to them all in time. Herald is down. Argent is down. Steel is down.

All for nothing. Hope is lost. All for nothing.

Julia. She’s dying. No. No. No.

No. No no no no no no no no.

No.

begin.process.void

void.step.activated

Bisected. Halved. Decapitated.

Two. Three. One.

Unrestricted. Unchained. Overkill.

Unconscious.