#ugh descions are hard

[ultimateaclrecovery]

So making decisions is hard and I can’t decide what dress I want to wear to my friends wedding this weekend.

My new dress I got at goodwill for seven dollars and is great, BUT it’s a much better fit for my other friends wedding in august with how short and summery it is and it just matches her vibe better tbh. And is maybe too short for semi formal/cocktail at a classic wedding venue vs the summer wedding in the mountains.

The Christmas dress I wore this Christmas to my work partyand I already have pictures in it, and it might be too wintery. But it is all different people.

My former wedding dress feels springy and honestly would match the vibe of this friends wedding perfectly and I don’t have any recent pictures of it BUT I wore at last summer at a wedding with almost all the same people I’m going to be seeing this weekend.

So I’m torn.

In order: new dress, Christmas dress, former wedding dress

[madamsixx]

Beyond The Leather Chapter 78: Who Am I Talking To?

Wednesday, December 20th, 1989 Pittsburgh Civic Arena, Pittsburgh, PA

"Thank you Pittsburgh, we love you!" Vince shouts at the wild crowd chanting Crue.

We run backstage sweating and panting. This was our last show of 89. We are heading home for the holidays.

"Shit I'm so fucking tired." Tommy breathed out while using a cloth to wipe his face.

"Same fuck." Vince huff's as he drops himself on the couch in the change room.

"Here." Mick walks over to us handing each of us a water bottle.

"Hey boys you excited." Doug smiles walking into the room with Fred walking in behind him.

"Excited for what?" Tommy asks.

"For the Christmas break." Fred says with excitment. "I finally get to get away from you fuckers."

"Haha very funny Fred." Vince chuckles sarcastically.

"Man I can't wait to see my family. This tour is exhausting." Doug groans.

"You're exhausted?" I question looking at Doug. "We're the ones playing every night."

"Yeah well still, keeping you guys in check is extremely difficult." Doug says as he walks and sits by Vince. "So what are you guys doing for the holidays?"

"Ugh, I have to spend Christmas with Heather's family." Tommy says dryly.

"Is that a bad thing?" Vince chuckles.

"Well kind of, they can be annoying some times. Especially her mom, her and Heather are always nagging me."

"What about your family?" I ask.

"Her family and my family are coming to our house. Heather wants me to clean up and help her cook. As if I know how to cook." Tommy shrugs.

"I don't know why she would trust you in the kitchen, drummer. I wouldn't eat anything you cooked, I'd rather starve to death." Mick speaks up.

All of us start laughing. Tommy throws his cloth at Mick and he grins and swats it away.

"What about you Vince?" Doug leans back on the couch looking at Vince.

"Me." Vince grunts and leans back on the couch as well. "I'm going to spend Christmas with Sharise's family."

"What about your kids?" Fred asks.

"I'm going to see Neil, but I can't see Beth. Elizabeth won't allow me to see her. She's keeping her away from me. I'm hoping that me and Sharise can have a child togther soon."

Doug patted Vince on the shoulder. I felt bad for Vince. He was always complaining that Beth would on purposely tell Vince to come see Elizabeth on the days that he was out on tour just so he wouldn't be able to see her. She wanted his money but didn't want him around. I hope he gets to have a child with Sharise.

"Well at least Sharise wants kids with you. Heather won't even talk about children with me." Tommy frowns.

"Give her time Tommy she'll come around." Doug says.

"She's had three years now. It's going to be four when we reach May of next year." I point out.

"Exactly." Tommy sighs.

"Well, since we're talking about families. I'm meeting Emi's family for the first time." Mick speaks.

"Good for you Mick." Fred nods. "I'm spending time with Jess's family for the first time."

"Ouuu Fred you and Jess getting serious?" Tommy chuckles.

"He's got googley eyes for her." Vince laughed.

"Yeah, I do." Fred smirks. "It's about time I settle down instead of fucking around like you clowns."

I listened to the guys talk and laugh about spending time with families and loved ones. I felt bad that I didn't have a family to talk about. I was hoping that no one would ask me any questions. It would make me feel worse.

"So what about you Sixx?" Doug looks at me.

"He's obviously going to be with Mani." Vince chuckles.

"Bitch." Tommy sneers under his breath thinking that I didn't hear him.

After he says that, the room goes silent. All the guys look at me with wide eyes and shock.

"Tommy!" Fred growls. "That's not cool."

"Don't speak about her like that." I move from the table and walk towards him. "Seriously Tommy leave it alone."

"What? I'll never forgive or like her for what she did."

"That's fine if you don't wanna forgive her or like her. But fucking respect her Tommy. She's my girl!" I raise my voice.

"Oh I'm sorry Sixx." Tommy touches his heart turning to me. "I didn't mean to disrespect your girl who can't even tell anyone about you guys relationship." He snarled.

"Tommy enough." Mick speaks up.

"Enough of what?" Tommy questions. "We all know that their relationship is in the closet. I feel sorry for you man." Tommy smirked and shook his head. "Can't kiss, hug, or hold hands in public."

"And you can't have children with Heather." I spat. "Cause she probably knows that you're still sticking your dick in different holes."

"Fuck you Nikki!" Tommy yells.

"Alright boys enough!" Fred yelled. "Change and let's get the hell outta here! I'm tired of your shit!"

I back away from Tommy. I walk to the side and grab my bag and walk out the door.

On the jet..

I sat in a seat alone writing in my notebook. I've been writing a lot of poetry and stories since I left rehab. It's been keeping my mind busy, especially from drinking.

"H..hey dude."

I looked up to see Tommy standing by me rubbing his hair. I scoffed and went back to writing completely ignoring him.

"Can I please sit?" He pleads.

I shrug but continue to write, I'm not sure what he wants to talk about. I'm pissed at him after what he said about me and Mani. It's clear that he doesn't support my relationship.

"So uh, what are you writing?" He asks hesitantly.

No response.

"You uh, writing new lyrics." Tommy says nervously as he starts using his fingers to drum on his thigh.

No response.

"Sixx c'mon, please can we talk?" He pleaded.

I sighed and looked up at him then closed my book.

"Talk."

"Ok, well I'm angry at Mani because she shit on something that was special to Heather. And on top of that she nearly killed you Nikki. That was uncalled for."

"Tommy." I leaned forward so I could be face to face with with him. "I am sorry about Heather, ok. I apologized before and I'm still apologizing now. I know Mani feels bad about it too. But you need to let it go."

"It's hard for me to let it go." Tommy huff's leaning back on the couch.

"When you first brought Heather around us. She looked at me like I was shit, and she would always make snide remarks about me and the band. I tolerated it because you loved her."

"Yeah, you did." Tommy frowns.

"Look, I was mad at first when Mani did that to me. But in a way I deserved it. And if I'm being honest, I'm glad it happened. Because it brought us back together and helped us to talk about the things in our past that we never resolved."

He nodded his head and turned away from me.

"Tommy I love her, and I'm trying to stay on this positive path. I'm balancing staying sober, being in a secret relationship with Mani, these new emotions, touring, fighting with Brandi for a divorce, and you."

"Sixx-"

"Listen, if you can't let it go and forgive her than we can't be friends. Because I can't allow you to speak about her like that. She means a lot to me."

"So what are you saying?" Tommy mumbles and looks at me.

"I'm saying...that I'm choosing her."

It went silent for a long time. I could see it in Tommy's eyes that he was a bit upset. I hate to do this to him because we have been best friends since 81 and he is my terror twin. But this relationship with Mani means a lot to me. She trusts me, she loves me, and makes me feel good about myself. I want things to go further with us and I... actually.. we can only do that by keeping the negative people away.

"You really love her huh?" Tommy looks up at me with a sad face.

"I do Tommy, she means the world to me. She forgave me after everything I put her through, so that has to mean something worth fighting for. I don't want to lose any chance of happiness."

Tommy nodded his head slowly and rubbed his neck.

"Sixx, you're going to get mad at me. But I have to tell you something." Tommy says with a nervous look on his face.

"Please don't tell me you did something stupid." I let out and amused groan.

"Well...it could be considered funny." He shrugged chuckling.

"What is it?"

"I uh..I sent Mani a coke bomb on her birthday when she was in paris." He mumbled lowly.

"Tommy." I groan and slide down in my seat.

"Sorry I was still pissed off." He waved his hands. "But I'm not anymore, I see how happy she makes you and I feel bad for saying rude things about her infront of you."

"It's fine." I sigh and sit back up. "Just from now on I need you to be nice to her. Considering how much I hurt her I want her to feel safe and accepted with all of us."

"Yeah I hear you. We good?" Tommy raises his brows.

"Of course T-bone."

He got up to leave but stopped and turned around.

"Also, another thing Sixx." Tommy's face turns serious. "Remember how you said it wasn't Mani that drugged you. What did you mean by that?"

"I meant that it was her manager. She's not a good person. She tells Mani to do fucked up shit and she's always in her ear whispering bad things to her."

"So Mani always does what her manager tells her to do and say?" Tommy asks with concern.

"Did Mani say something to you?" I furrow my brows.

"N..no..I just wanna know." He chuckled nervously.

I sigh and scratch my head ready to tell him.

"Look Tommy, I use to manipulate Mani when she was younger because she couldn't think for herself. I would tell her what she wanted to hear or call her to make her pity me and feel sorry for me so I could get her to come to me. Then, I would make her do things that she wouldn't normally do. Like running away on tour with me. It was so easy because she was young and raised in a strict house hold and very sheltered. She knew nothing about the real world. She grew up never being able to make decisions for herself. Other people always made descions for her, including me. But I realized how dangerous it is to manipulate someone who can't think for themselves. It means that when someone tells Mani something, it's hard for her not to listen. Especially if that person has been in her life for a long time. Like her manager."

"Shit." Tommy mumbled and rubbed his head. He started biting his fingers tips and looked down at the ground.

"Yeah." I breath out. "Now that I'm sober and able to think properly I try my hardest to sit down and talk to her instead of putting thoughts and words in her ear. Mani's a sweet girl. I want her to make her own decisions. I want her to stand up to Tamara rather than say yes to everything Tamara tells her to do."

"Does she know you use to manipulate her?"

"No." I shake my head. "But I am gonna tell her when the time is right. It's something that she needs to know."

"Fuck." Tommy breathed out.

"Tommy." I called to him. "If she said something to you, you know you can tell me. Right?" I ask with seriousness.

"Oh..uh..no she didn't say anything to me." He studdred. "When I see Mani again I'm going to apologize for how I've been treating her. I want you and her to be happy."

"Thanks T-bone."

Los Angeles's

When the jet landed we all got out and gave each other a hug goodbye. We weren't going to see each other until next year. I got into my limo and reached home. I sigh as I looked around the big empty house. I didn't bother to put my stuff away properly. I sat down on the couch wondering what I would be doing for the break. Before Mani left she said she would call me and we can talk often. She's spending time with her family in Canada for the holidays. Every one has someone except for me. My holidays are going to be very lonely. I guess shit just doesn't change for me. I was lonely in the past, I'm lonely in the present, and chances are I'll be lonely in the future.

After taking a quick nap. I've been speaking to Mani a lot on the phone. I had to pretend like I was ok here. I told her that I was going to be hanging around with my friends for the Christmas break. But I have no friends. The ones that I do are still on drugs or drinking. Robbin called me as well but he was so out of it that I had no clue what he was saying. Tom also called and I spoke to some of my aunts and uncles. I wish I could go to Idaho, but there's not enough time. Plus I don't want to go to Idaho by myself. I got up then headed downstairs with my new base that Mani got for me. I sat there and started strumming but nothing was coming to me. I just felt bored and unmotivated.

Ring Ring Ring

I put my base down and walked to the phone.

"Hey."

"Hi babe."

"Hi princess how are you?" I asked as I walked back to the couch and sat down.

"I'm alright, just checking in on you. I hope you're ok?"

"Babe I'm fine, I keep telling you that. What's that noise in the backround?"

"Oh." She laughs. "It's my mom's church music. She plays it every Christmas. I can't believe you can actually hear it. I'm in my sisters room and the music is downstairs."

"Yeah I can hear it." I chuckled. "So is it just you and your family having a Christmas dinner or are other people going to be at your place?"

"Well we're actually going over to my uncle's house. Him and his wife just had a baby. So the whole family is going to spend Christmas there."

"That's...that's great." I mumble.

I stayed silent for a bit. Family. Something that I have never had. Going over to my girlfriend's house for a Christmas dinner to meet her family is something I wish I could experience. People always groan and complain about not wanting to see their in laws. But that's something I would kill to have.

"Nikki are you still there?"

"Oh ..uh sorry I kind of tuned out a bit. What were you saying?"

"I said so what are you doing today?"

I sighed. I wanted to tell her that I have no plans today or any other day but I didn't want her to pity me. I don't want anyone's pity. And I don't want her to travel all the way down here to come and be with me. I want her to be with her family. She deserves to have happiness. She deserves to smile.

"Oh, I'm going to be hanging with friends." I said with fake excitement. "We're going to go out and eat. You know, do guy stuff."

"Guy stuff?" She questions.

"No strip clubs I promise." I chuckled.

"Are they clean?" She asks with concern.

"Yeah babe they're clean." I assure.

"Nikki I can come after Christmas to see you-"

"Mani I'm fine." I assure. "You came out for my birthday so please spend time with your family as long as you need to."

"Ok." She says casually. "I'll call you later."

"Alright babe."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

We both hang up the phone. I think maybe I'll go out shopping for myself. And buy some Christmas presents for people. I probably won't give them the presents till after Christmas cause everyone will be with their families.

I tied my hair back and put on a baseball cap and sunglasses for my disguise. I grabbed my car keys then locked up and got into my car. It was busy out on the roads. People wanted to do some last minute shopping before Christmas.

I stopped and parked my car and got out then headed into the mall. I grabbed a shopping cart then walked around looking for things to buy. I picked up a couple of things that I thought Mani would like, I also got something for Fred, Jess, Tommy, Vince, and Mick. I got something for Tom as well, I'll have to ship it down to Idaho.

"Nikki?"

I tensed up hearing that familiar voice.

"Hi Brie." I smiled nervously.

"Hi." She smiled and gave me a hug. "Nice disguise." She chuckled.

"Well it keeps the fans from recognizing me." I shrug. "Uh..well it's nice to see you I have-"

"Nikki you don't have to keep avoiding me." She frowned. "I know you and Brandi are going through some trouble but it doesn't mean that when you see me you have to run away."

"I know." I rub my hair feeling a bit awkward. "It's just Brandi's your daughter and I don't want trouble."

"I understand." She nods. "But also I feel like you should try and work things out with her. I don't feel like you two really tried. You know she really misses you and wants you two to work things out. And well, so do I." She speaks softly.

And you wonder why I avoid you.

"Brie." I sigh. "I don't know if Brandi told you but I'm in a relationship with someone else."

I saw the hurt on Brie's face. I felt really bad for having to tell her this. Ever since me and Brandi have been having problems I haven't spoken to Brie. Last I saw her was when she came over to get Brandi at our Dr. Feelgood release party. Since then I've been avoiding her like the plague.

"So, you marry my daughter and tell her you want to have a family with her. But the moment you two start arguing you want to call it quits and move onto a different woman right away." She said bitterly.

"Brie it's not that." I groaned.

"So what is it?" She furrows her brows and crosses her arms over her chest.

"Brie I'm sober now." I sigh. "I'm not doing drugs, I'm not drinking, I'm not smoking. I'm clean and Brandi's not. So it's a problem for me."

She nods her and looks passed me like she's thinking. "Well problems have solutions. Why don't you come over on Christmas eve to my place and we can sit down all together and talk about all of this. Brandi will be really happy to see you." She pleads. "And honestly I miss you too. I'm sure you don't want to be alone for Christmas. I know you don't have any family here. And Brandi is still your wife."

"Ok I'll think about it." I nod. "I..uh..I gotta go."

I push my cart passed her and speed walked over to the line. I paid and ran out of the store. I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed for some reason. I threw my stuff in the trunk, climbed into my car, and sat there for a bit. Maybe spending time with Brie and Brandi wouldn't be so bad. They both miss me and I do need company. Plus I'm still married to her so it's normal for married people to spend time with each other.

"Fuck Nikki no, you can't." I grumbled to myself. "Fuck."

I drove out of the shopping mall parking lot and found myself down by the sunset strip. I watched all the teens hanging out by the clubs drinking and smoking. The place has calmed down since the early eighties. I looked down at my leg and realized it was bouncing up and down. Why am I feeling anxious and stressed out? I feel like I need a drink.

"Fuck." I groaned.

My problem is loneliness, it always has been. I turn and drive down to the cathouse. I park my car in the lot and climb out. I pull my hat down just a bit more to cover my face as I head into the cathouse. All these guys that never made it as rockstars are still here drugged out and drinking. This was a bad idea, I need to get out of here before I...

"Hey Sixx!"

I turn to the right to see who's calling me.

"King!"

I ran over to Robbin with open arms. He picked me up and gave me a big bear hug. Wow he looks like complete shit.

"Shit man where have you been?" He slurred.

"I've been on tour bro." I patted his arm. "You uh..you look..good." I lied.

"Thanks dude." He smiled. "Hey come sit." He grabbed my arm and walked me over to the booth he was sitting at.

"Hey Sixx what's up?" Riki walked over to greet me.

"Hey Riki."

He's another one that I tried avoiding. Especially because he introduced me to Brandi.

"I thought you were sober? What brings you here?" Riki asked.

"I was just driving by." I shrug. "It looks like King is doing his afternoon drinking." I point at Robbin.

"He's been here since morning." Riki chuckled.

"Well I have nothing better to do. Steven's pissing me off. He has lead singer syndrome. Thinks he's the shit, he's trying to kick me out of the band."

"He can't do that." I snap.

"Shit that sucks." Riki speaks up. "Hey you and Brandi still together or what?" He looks at me.

"We're married but separated." I say with nervousness.

"She really loves you Sixx, she told me herself."

I breath out and rub my face.

"Hey Riki you're stressing him out. Go get us some whiskey, Sixx needs a drink."

"Alright." Riki walks away.

"Uh no Robbin I can't stay, I'm trying to stay sober." I object.

"Sixx it's one fucking drink, it's not going to kill you like heroin nearly did. Come on bro for old times sake." He laughed and patted my arm.

"Robbin I can't, I promised Mani I would stay sober."

"Mani, Mani, Mani. Come on man, she's not here."

"Robbin-" I groaned.

"Ok, one drink. Just one drink."

"Alright here you go boys." Riki says as he puts the tray of shot glasses down. "I'll do one with you."

I look at the whiskey in the shot glass. My leg starts to shake underneath the table.

Would Iman find out if I had just one drink?

Will I be ok just having one drink?

"Sixx?" Robbin raises a brow.

It's only one drink. It can't lead to anything else.

"Alright, one drink." I smiled.

We pick up our shot glasses and down them. I clear my throat as the delicious taste of alcohol goes down my throat. I've missed this. I miss feeling alive, I miss hanging out with King and being at the cathouse, I miss partying.

"How about another?" Robbin slures.

"Sixx?" Riki looks at me.

"Yeah, I could use one more." I think one more will be fine. It's not like I'm over doing it. I rub my face and breath out.

"Atta boy!" Robbin yells. "Mani's been keeping you on a leash! It's time to free your self! Get the whole bottle Riki!" Robbin cheers.

"Alright, settle down Robbin." Riki chuckles.

Riki came back with two bottles instead of one. We opened them up and finished the whole thing. _____

Thursday, December 21st, 1989

Morning...

"Oh fuck." I grumbled.

I stird and looked around realizing that I wasn't at home. This looks like Kings house.

"King!" I called out.

My head was fucking throbbing. I rolled out of the bed and stumbled a bit using the dresser to steady myself. Something felt like it was coming up my stomatch. I looked around for the bathroom but couldn't find it. So I had to puke on the rug.

"Uh..shit." I groaned as I finished puking. I wiped my mouth and opened the door to leave the room. "Robbin?"

"He's still sleeping Nikki." Theresa said from downstairs. "Come downstairs and have some breakfast."

I walk downstairs and rub my face. I sat at the table feeling like complete shit for what I did last night. I broke my sobriety.

"Did we drive?"

"No, Riki called you guys a taxi and Robbin brought you here. Your car is still at the cathouse."

"Fuck!" I raised my voice. "Fuck!" I yelled slamming my hand down on the table.

"So." Theresa walks over with cornflakes and milk. "How much did you drink?"

She placed them down on the table then turned around to grab me a bowl.

"Two maybe three bottles." I say with disappointment in my tone. "Thanks." I say as I grab the bowl from her.

"And how does Iman feel?"

Ugh Mani will fucking hate me.

"She doesn't know, Theresa." I get frustrated and grab the cereal box pouring it aggressively into the bowl. "I'm not going to drink again."

"I said I was going to stop injecting heroin two years ago. So I went to rehab, but when I got out and came back home to Robbin. He had it all around the house and was doing it infront of me. So I relapsed." She says sadly.

I watch her as she picks up a cigarette and lights it up. Theresa used to be a beauty. Full figure, long black hair, tanned skin, with white teeth. Now she looks like me when I was on heroin. It's scary to see her like this.

"Have you spoken to Mani since Tamara fired you?"

"No I haven't." She shakes her head. "I don't want her to see me like this. I wanna be clean before I talk to her." She says blowing smoke out.

"She cares about you."

She nods her head and sniffles. "I always cared about her..I just..you and Robbin got me into this shit." She grumbles and points at me. "Now I depend on him for everything." She sniffles again. "My family won't even talk to me cause I married him. I have to spend my Christmas here with Robbin doing drugs." She sobbed.

I sigh and put my spoon down. "Theresa I can hook you up with a specialist. He helped me get sober. I can give you his number."

She snickers and shakes her head then puts the cigarette out in the ash tray. "He must be shit." She chuckles.

"Why do you say that?" I furrow my brows taken aback at what she said.

She gets up and leans close to my face placing her hands on the table for balance. "Cause you- are not-sober." She grins smugly and leans back. "Finish your cereal and get fuck out." She sneered and walked away.

I rubbed my face knowing that she got to this point because of me and Robbin. I introduced her to drugs the same why I introduced Mani to my life of decadence. The only difference between Iman and Theresa, is that Iman had her morals and was strong willed to never touch drugs where as Theresa gave in. I'll just finish my cereal and..

"Nikki!" Theresa shouted from upstairs. "You pouta! You puked on my carpet!"

I think I'll just leave now.

Nikki's house..

I picked up my car from the cathouse but before coming home I stopped to buy two bottles of jack. I might need them for later, you never know who's going to come over for a visit. I showered then brushed and laid down in bed. My head was hurting and I still felt like shit. I felt angry at my self for drinking. I swore to Mani that I wouldn't drink, but I did. And I had more than one bottle. The phone started ringing and I didn't feel like talking to anyone, including Mani. I was so angry at myself that I drank. But then again I can't ignore her, I love her too much.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby boy." Mani said in a seductive voice.

"Hey princess." I chuckled. "Better not let your mom hear you talking like that." I joked.

"She's not home, and uh, neither are my sisters."

I sat up on my bed and leaned back on the head board. "Mmm so what does that mean?" I breathed out smiling to myself.

"It means your hand needs to be inside your pants and my finger is going to be underneath my skirt." She chuckled.

I stopped smiling and sighed and stayed quiet.

"Nikki? Nikki, you there?"

"Is it..is it always going to be like this?" I ask sadly.

She sighs. "No it won't, and I'm so sorry for making you feel like this."

"It's ok babe, I put us in this situation. I know if anyone finds out about us it will be a problem for you."

"I'm sorry Nik."

"I just...it's frustrating sometimes when I see couples out walking together hand and hand or kissing and touching. And I can't do that." I say with agitation.

It goes silent on her end. I don't mean to bring up all these things before Christmas because I don't want her feeling bad for leaving. But all these emotions are just coming in and I feel like I'm about to drown in them.

"Do you want me to come back?" She mumbles.

Yes baby I do, I really need you here with me cause I feel lonely. Is what I want to say.

"No babe, I want you with your family." I lie.

"I love you baby boy." She whispers.

Nikki you have to tell her you drank.

"Mani." I said with nervousness.

"Yeah."

"I.."

"Youuuuu..."

"I um.."

"Nik, you sure you're ok?"

I can't do it.

"I love you too princess." I whisper back feeling very guilty.

"Aww baby." She chirped. "So how about that hand?" She asks seductively.

Afternoon..

I woke up after a nap. I really fucking needed it. I huffed when I heard my phone ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey Sixx it's Robbin, what's up dude?"

"Hey King, I'm good." I say

"Hey listen sorry about Theresa this morning. She's been in a bad mood since yesterday. That's why I went out to drink. Had to get away from her." He laughed.

"Nah, it was my fault." I chuckle. "I puked on your carpet."

"So, any plans today?"

"Mm, no not really. I'm going to be here alone." I respond trying not to feel sad.

"Where's Mani? I thought she was with you, that's why I brought you back to my place."

"She's with her family in Canada spending the break with them."

"Wow, so Christmas came early for you huh." He chuckled humorously.

"Yeah...I guess." I frown a bit.

"So, can I come over? We can chill like old times. We haven't really hung out in a while."

A part of me wanted to say no because Robbin is still snorting, drinking, and injecting. And I am trying to stay sober. But a big part of me wants to say yes because I don't have anyone to hang out with. Last night we had a lot of fun hanging out. It was like old times.

"Uh..no I'm waiting on Mani's call and we're going to have phone sex. So I don't want you to hear that." I lie.

"Alright Sixx, well I'll let you go then. Call me if you change your mind."

"Yeah sure no problem."

I hung up the phone and rubbed my face. I got up and walked around my mansion. What's the point of having a big mansion with six bedrooms, four bathrooms, three living rooms, a huge backyard with a pool if I don't have a fucking family. Does that make sense?

I walked outside and walked around my pool. I then came back in and looked in my fridge for something to eat but I didn't feel like eating. I then sat back down on the couch and turned the TV on. I watched MTV but I felt a little bored after watching it for some time.

I went upstairs to my office to see if I could find a book to read or find something to do so I could pass the time, but there was nothing. I walked into my bedroom and looked at the two bottles of Jack Daniels sitting on the drawer. There an was ich that was starting to form in my body. I bit my fingertips and started twitching my toes.

"Fuck Nikki no." I growled turning around and walking out of the room. I stopped infront of the stairs and started pacing. "Fuck." I rubbed my face over and over again.

The feeling wasn't going away. I needed something to do to get the feeling to just leave me. Maybe one drink can help get rid of the loneliness. Yeah one drink will be fine. This time I'm not around Robbin or Riki so I can control how much I drink. Maybe I can call Tommy and see what he's up to. We're both in the same boat staying sober, we can both look out for each other so that we drink only a little. I walked back into my room and dialed Tommy's number. My leg was still bouncing up and down. I hope he answers.

This is a two part chapter. Couldn't fit everything in one.

[chattyofficialgpage-blog]

TAYLER O'BRIEN

I: Hey! Firstly, it's so nice to have you here.

T: Yea, it's great to be here. Thanks for having me.

I: Why did you join the CG in the first place?

T: I was actually brought to the group by Cleo and decided it'll, yknow, be kinda, uh, nice to stay. I didn't really have many friends.

I: What made you confirm your descion to join the CG?

T: Yknow, it's weird, I think I just kind of platonically fell in love with everyone. I just, was like, yknow, lemme stay here and see what they're like and I was instantly just like, "oh my god these people are awesome."

I: How long have you been involved with the group so far?

T: I kinda stopped counting, I just tell everyone it's been forever. But I think it's been 4 years now, though I've known some of them for 6 and Cleo for 7.

I: What was your first day like?

T: It's so funny cus, I was so shy and everyone was so welcoming. And they were just like, yknow, "it's okay, welcome," and they were really welcoming and hospitable and kinda.... eased.. my nerves I guess? *laughs*

I: Did you enjoy it?

T: I mean, yeah, it was great. It was awesome.

I: Did you ever skip a day?

T: There has been times where I'd decide not to come. Most of the time it's because of business with filming and having to be on set and other times it's because, well, yknow, I don't say it that much but I usually, yknow, mentally have to stay away from too much stimulation, and the group has a shit load of stimulation and sometimes I have to calm myself and stay away from that.  

I: Was there a long period of time where you didn't go to the group? Why?

T: There has been, there has been. Like I said, as an actor, there are times where I have to exclude myself to only filming and concentrate on that, and I don't fuck around with my job, yknow, I take it really seriously and I work really hard. So I literally like, get rid of all my distractions.

I: Do you have group favorites? Who's your best friends?

T: I love Cleo so much. Soooo much.

I: Why are they close to you?

T: I've known Cleo for as long as I can remember, and being a, I don't really know the word? It's, yknow, hard for me to pick the right words sometimes. But... I guess just like a refugee or something, she kinda took care of me, and yknow, she helped me with a ton. I mean, like, a fucking ton.

I: Is there someone you dislike in the group? No hard feelings. Tell us!

T: Well, actually... When I first joined then there wasn't as much, yknow, drama as there is now. And there wasn't as much people that really fucking got on my nerves. But I think if I had to pick, it would be... Joey.. Lily... Jack...

I: Is there a reason why you aren't fond of them?

T: I don't really... I don't really wanna talk about Jack. But I think Joey and I disagree on a shit load of things and it often stirs up and argument, and yknow, it just ends up in the two of us insulting each other back and forth and sometimes it kinda seems like none of that gets to me, but it does, it really does. And Lily... She's just fucking annoying, yknow? Like just... The opposite of likeable.

I: Do you have a crack crush on someone in the group?

T: Dude, don't make me spill! Well uh, I'm actually dating Embry... and... I don't know. I think Bree's pretty hot. Yea. But Embry, he's... he's... He's Embry, yknow? And I just really love that. I don't even know if that makes sense.

I: If you could date anyone in the group, who'd it be?

T: I feel so awkward right now. Embry. Even though he's not in the group. Just kinda there. But I don't really know who else I could date. Uh... Yeah.... Yeah, I don't know. I guess.... I don't know.

I: What was your best day with the group?

T: There have been some really fucking awesome days, but for me, it's got to be when Cleo and Loki like, reunited. Is that a word? Reunited.

I: What was your worst day with the group?

T: I... Well.... I've had a few panic attacks, hallucinations, flashbacks... those sort of stuff... I've had some of those at the group before and I was just kinda yknow, like, "oh please not here" cus I was really afraid of their opinions on me after that happened.

I: If there was someone you could bring into the group, who'd it be?

T: Like, a celebrity? Well, uh.... I'd have to choose.... I'd say... I'll go with Embry to be a permanent member.

I; If there is someone you'd remove from the group, who'd it be?

T: Probably... Joey... or Jack.

I: Your honest opinion on the group's stalkers, the Weirdos.

T: My opinion on them? They scare the shit out of me, to be honest. I need them to get the fuck out, right away. Especially Hazel and Peter. They make me so, yknow, just really scared.

I: Is there someone you pity or feel bad for in the group?

T: I feel bad for Loki because he doesn't get to go home. That was a joke. No, I honestly feel bad for Rebecca but I... don't wanna say why.

I: Is there someone you're jealous of in the group?

T: Kinda... all of them. Cus they're all so good-looking and it just... kinda makes me feel like I don't really belong there. Like they're too good for me or something.

I: What is something you haven't done with the group, but would like to someday?

T: I want them all to gangbang me. Nah, I'm joking. Ummm... I would like to... probably just... I really don't know, honestly! Maybe we could all do like, a boat trip. Like those cruise things.

I: Do you ship anyone in the group?

T: Ugh, obviously. Cleo and Loki... They're like the first thing that comes to mind when I hear "ship".

I: What was the funniest thing that ever happened in the group?

T: When I beat the shit out of Peter and got arrested...

I: What was the saddest thing that ever happened in the group?

T: There's a lot. We share some really like, deep shit with each other. I think when I found out about Rebecca's past I just, literally couldn't stop crying. She reminds me of myself, kinda. Sometimes.

I: What was the most romantic thing that ever happened in the group?

T: When Cleo and Loki reunited!

I: What was the most irritating and angering thing that ever happened in the group?

T: I think when Aubrey first brought her kids then I was freaking the fuck out.

I: Is there something stupid you did in the group that you would take back if you could?

T: Something stupid I did? Besides, like, breathing? I'm joking. I think one time I spilled a secret of my own that just, I was like, "no. Oh, god no. I did not just say that."

I: Do you think the admins Oak, Apple and Rebecca did a good job recruiting these people into a group?

T: For sure. For fucking sure. They spend so much time, effort and money to bring us all together and they're, yknow, so incredibly patient with us and it's just fucking awesome.

I: Do you think they handle situations maturely?

T: Oh, absolutely. Definitely. Apple and Oak can be very calm and collected in times that for me, I'd just be on a full-on fucking killing spree.

I: Do you enjoy the coffee shop located in downtown NYC, or would you rather have a different main meet-up place for the group?

T: I love the coffee shop but... It would be nice to switch. Just to see.

I: Would you change anything about the admin's rules of the group?

T: No. I think they're perfect. If only people would follow them.

I: Thanks for taking the time and sit and talk with us. We appreciate these honest answers. See you!

T: Thank you so much.

[ultimateaclrecovery]

The pony lost his shoe yesterday so now I can’t have my lesson or ride him until at least Wednesday when the farrier is back in town 😭😭😭😭😭

And now I don’t know what to do with my day either. Do I hang out and do nothing? Do I go to the lake (and pay ten dollars to park) and hope that’s cuz it’s a weekday it’s not too crowded? Do I ask my friend to come with me? Do I just go to the barn anyway and watch my friend and her new lease horse?

I hate making last minute descions because i always feel like I’m going to do wrong. Or I’ll just make no descion and do nothing all day. Ugh.