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jarofrebuke-transcripts · 3 years

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Jar of Rebuke Episode 6 Unofficial Transcript

Season 1 Episode 6: PTO

INTRO

The following audio recording is classified documentation for Case [audio distortion] with the Enclosure. Unauthorized access to this information will lead to immediate intervention. Progress further if proper clearance has been given.

JARED

Guess who got vacation? That's right, me. After days of online research and two times poking around the local school, I finally got that time off. I had to pester Todd about it for a while, but I got it. He didn't even call or email me about it, his secretary did. We'll just assume that he was uh just “too busy” to get around to telling me. So guess what I did today? Nothing. And yesterday? Oh, a whole load of nothing. And what do I have planned for tomorrow?More glorious nothing. I got a whole week off and I plan to spend at least at least most of it relaxing at home. I don't even want to change out of my PJs. After I shower, I'll just put on other PJs! No, not shower, I'll take baths! I got homemade bubble baths from the Chronicle Inn shop recently that I've been waiting to use. Holly texted me earlier which was nice. I haven't really talked to them much, at least not in a while. Originally they were just asking if I planned to go out to a an upcoming bonfire, before it gets too cold to really do much outside. And it was really nice to just tell them the full honest truth, that I'd been given a week off of work and I really didn't feel like going out and doing anything. It, just the idea of staying home and doing basically zilch sounds amazing. They then asked if they could call, which was equally nice as it was nerve-wracking. Nice because I liked the heads up for a call, but anxiety-inducing because I had no idea why they wanted to call, I said sure though, I had no reason not to. I think we talked for like an hour, just about whatever. As it normally goes with them. We went from one topic to another really quickly. It's nice to have someone that I can just flow from one topic to another with without having to explain my thought process. They just follow suit. Or, more often, take the lead in the leaps.

They told me about their job as a volunteer at the local school. Unlike me, they get along great with kids, always have. Hence why they worked the snipe hunt a little while ago. They heard about me looking into the haunting a few weeks ago, so I told them a bit about it, excluding the whole Enclosure business card thing. I also mentioned that I was finally given some paid time off work and they asked if we wanted to hang out. So uh, guess in a few days I'm having a movie night with Holly. They're going to show me some of their favorites, things I've never seen. One's called The Room? Apparently it's so bad that it's somehow good. I guess we're watching that later this week, and they're going to introduce me to some video games that they like. After we made plans for movie night I heated myself up some lunch and settled down in front of the TV. After lunch and a few episodes of whatever show was playing I decided to just sit and check in a little bit, do a little recording.

So my research with the old business card led me to a Dr. Severin Kelder at the Enclosure, right? Well when I looked further into him at work, I actually found out that he passed away like 20 or 30 years ago. Apparently he was working on some top secret project that I couldn't find the details on, but I could find more recent projects that reference Dr. Kelder’s work. So whatever it was that he learned or created, people are still using it in their studies of the Enclosure. It's for branches and projects that I don't have access to so I kept getting asked for passwords that I don't have. I… I could ask Dr. Loma- Milo. Promised them I'd be more casual with them now. I could ask Milo if they know anything. I mean even though we aren't lab partners anymore we're still friends. I'm sure they wouldn't mind helping out. Maybe I could ask Jamie? But she and I aren't really close. Would that be weird? And I really doubt that Dr. Castillo would be at all interested in really helping, she doesn't really want to talk about anything outside of our current projects. Not as chatty. I have a therapy session with Dr. Daman right after I get back from vacation, but I have no clue if I want to talk to her about this. She'd probably call my fixation on it unhealthy or whatever, but I need to get to the bottom of whatever this is. And that smell…

When my brain fixates on things it's really hard to just think or even talk about anything else. It's as if my brain has focused in so hard that nothing else exists, and nothing else matters, unless something else sweeps in and snaps me out of it. It could be really helpful when my brain decides to fixate on work and things I need to do, but it can be so infuriating when it... I focus on the song I heard on the radio, or a book that I read when I'm trying to get work done. I think Dr. Daman has been getting frustrated with my lack of progress, but what am I supposed to do? I'm not having much luck with remembering, but, hey! I'm using the audio journal more regularly, so that's good. It does feel like it's helping. Even if I'm not remembering much about myself at least, I'm learning about myself? And Milo said that's what's most important, more important than remembering. Because they said that things have inevitably changed, as is human nature. I still want to remember though! And I feel like Milo understands that better than Dr. Daman. But I guess it's a good thing that I'm learning about myself. I mean if nothing else I'm not as chronically uncomfortable as I used to be. Even learning these little things. I think I'll talk more to Holly when we hang out though. There's things that I think they may be able to help me with. I'd like to talk to Darius but I don't know if, um…

[scratching sounds] Hold on, there's something at my door. [door opens, birds chirping] Oh, hey buddy! Uh, no collar, huh? Oh, oh. I guess you're coming in... excuse me. [door closes] Okay, so there's a dog. A dog in my house. A black lab? No, its features are a bit too pointed. Almost like a shepherd of some kind. It's docile, and has just laid by my feet. There's no collar, and I've never seen this dog before. So I don't think he's from around here. His eyes are a little strange. I'll admit, I've never had a dog just make itself at home in my house before. Uh… who's a good boy? Huh, are you even a boy? That's a weird assumption for me to make. Considering that you're just a dog who basically knocked, then let yourself in. Either way, the dog is super sweet. Do you have a name? Um, Grove. How does that sound? You look like a Grove. So I guess I have a dog. Unless someone claims him... her... them? Uh...

Don't look at me like that! Gendered language annoys me, okay? That's why I like talking to Holly and Milo so much, they both really don't conform to what society puts on them and they seem to be more aware of other ways that things can be. Ways that the Enclosure didn't teach me, that's for sure. I mean why do people keep saying I'm “one of the guys”? I like being included, yeah, but I don't know... I don't.. just don't see myself as “one of the guys”. It carries implications. I don't mind being called sir or whatever, but it's... Ahem. I'm talking gender. With a dog. No offense. Oh shoot, what do I feed you? Should I call around and see if anyone's looking for their dog? What do you want to eat? I need to look into how to take care of a dog! Would Darius know how? Okay, hold on, gotta make some calls. I might have to change out of my PJs and run some errands. I'll be back soon.

JARED (contd.)

Okay, back. So, Grove hung out in my yard the entire time I was gone. He actually responded well when I called him boy, so we're gonna go with that. He greeted me with a wagging tail and then followed me back inside. He's a big dog, like the top of his head goes to about my upper hip. I got a range of things- wet dog food, dry dog food, treats, toys, the biggest dog bed they had, and honestly a bunch of stuff. I had to make multiple trips to bring it all in. I mean considering I don't know if I'm keeping this dog maybe it was a bit overkill. But having him around feels nice. It feels right. I did text Holly to make sure that they're not allergic to dogs or anything since it seems that I'm taking in a dog, at least for the time being. And apparently they love dogs, so that's, that's good. That's good. Uh, I put the dog bed near my bed and put out a bowl of dog food. But he doesn't really seem too interested in the wet or dry dog food. He seems to like the homemade treats though. I remembered that Ester sold them, so I made sure to make a second stop and stop by the Chronicle Inn to pick up some of those dog treats. But Grove doesn't seem at all interested in the food, but the fact that he likes the treats indicates that he does have an appetite. What do you want to eat, buddy? Listen I can't just feed you dog treats, that can't be healthy.

[phone buzzing] Ugh, why is he calling me? I'm on vacation… [Grove barks] Oh… Grove? It's okay, it's just my phone. I.. oh shit! [Grove starts growling] Grove calm down, relax? I'm not, I'm not answering it, I'm not… [Jared falls over] Oh, Grove, you don’t fit in my lap! [Grove pants] You’re much… you’re much too big. Down! Back down on the floor, please! We both won’t fit in this chair. [Grove snarls] Hey… hey not the key! Leave the key alone, the key stays on. Oh, uh… [Grove barks] Grove, Grove, down! Oh gods. Grove, down, back down. [Grove’s barking gets softer] Good boy… okay… seems I. Okay. [Grove continues making soft sounds] So, I think I know why Grove wouldn't eat the dry dog food but would eat the treats. Meat, he needs meat. That would explain the eyes earlier, and why he lingered outside of my house of all places, without a collar.

Um, oh shit! [Grove starts barking loudly, running. Door closes] Oh, I don't know what happened. I don't know if it was the phone vibrating that set him off or what. [Grove continues to bark at a distance] He was fine until he sniffed the key! He's way too big to be getting in my lap and then when he started sniffing the key around my neck and then, then he got mad. He started snarling. Smoke came out of his mouth and his eyes. His eyes started to glow red, and for the briefest moment I smelled putrid rotting flesh. The smell of death. [Grove continues to bark and snarl loudly] Seems that my new buddy is a hellhound. I thought he was going to attack me, he sure seemed like it, went from my throat. [Grove stops barking, starts whining] But now, he's not even scratching at the door anymore. He's whining. He sounds so sad!

Grove, are you done chasing me? I'd really rather not die again so soon, okay? So you're gonna relax, right? [Grove whimpers, door opens, Grove starts sniffing happily] Good boy, good boy. No biting, no jumping. [Grove quiets down] How about we sit? That's a good boy. You… you know sit! Good. He's okay. He's calm now, leaning into my touch and everything. No more smoke. His teeth are more of a... mortal dog-shaped size again? His eyes aren't glowing anymore. Jeez, I've got no idea why he was set off so badly by my necklace. I mean, yeah, I assume that the key has magical properties which is how it keeps my brain in check, but I don't know why that would have set him off. It's okay buddy, not gonna hurt you. It helps me. Let's get you some food. Okay so, we're gonna try some meat. I don't know if I have it... I don't really have much that's raw, only a little bit that I got for a casserole that I plan to try and cook, but I can go get more meat, you gotta eat I don't mind putting off cooking. [doors open and close, sounds of dog bowl being placed, Grove eating] Okay yeah so, uh, raw meat is what he eats.

Why is a hellhound so far from the cemetery out in the middle of the day like this? There's all sorts of creatures that come by my house all the time but this one is a bit strange. I mean the black eyed children and the not-deer, yeah, those make a bit more sense. They're generally wanderers and I do live by the roads and by the forest. But a hellhound? Y’all normally linger near cemeteries and churches, right? And I don't live near a church or a cemetery. The weirdest thing is that when he's not trying to bite my neck out, his presence is really soothing. I don't know, it's like he belongs here. As long as you ignore the whole key thing he's really lax with me, and I've never seen a hellhound act so domesticated. Especially considering how they normally are with people. But hey, if nothing else at least this means that you probably don't have someone looking for you. So I guess it wasn't too much of an issue that the clerk at the store talked me into buying all of this stuff for you. Hey, don't, don't… don't look at me like that, I panicked. I've never taken care of a dog before, and you're, you're a big dog! Sharing the bed with you would be like sharing a bed with a whole other person, and I can't just make you sleep on the hard floor so I got you the bed! I guess I didn't need to get all of that dog food especially since you won't even eat any of it. Ugh, whatever. Okay, we'll make this work.

I mean even if disguised as a normal, albeit big dog, it's weird that he's out and about during the day. I mean the black-eyed children yeah, now and then come out during the day, not-dear, yeah they're not really restricted to either time of day, but hellhounds? I guess I gotta do some more research, huh? Okay. Well, hey, if nothing else at least I have the resources to look into how to take care of a hellhound. That's not true. I have the information on what hellhounds are, where they are, what they do. How to restrain them. But I don't have the information on how to take care of them. They normally take good care of themselves. I guess you're gonna teach me something, huh? Well we'll learn together. If nothing else it'll be nice to have someone else here, someone that I am not required to talk to if I don't want to. Someone that we can just, share space. It'll be nice to not be alone. I'm gonna probably have some ice cream and watch a movie this evening. Here soon I'll be doing the movie night with Holly, which is nice. And oh god, okay, I didn't tell Holly about the whole children knocking on my door thing. I guess I'm gonna have to give ‘em a heads up of some kind. “Hey, just a warning, I have ghost children that knock on my door! Every night! Hope you sleep deep!” Whatever, I'll let them know, and I'm sure they've heard of weirder. We'll see. So much for doing nothing. But at least it's not work! Maybe I'll message Darius and see what he's up to this evening. I'm gonna go eat that ice cream and watch a movie first. So this is Dr. Jared Hel, signing off. Come on, come on buddy!

OUTRO

Jar of Rebuke is written and produced by Casper Oliver, who is also the voice of Dr. Jared Hel. The intro is read by Vanessa Rosengrant, and credits are read by Ashley Craft, who has created the podcast official graphics. Music was created by Luke Menniss, spelled m-e-n-n-i-s-s, who you can find and support on Bandcamp, Spotify and Twitch. Find us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter for updates. You can support us on Patreon or Podhero by following the links in our episode description. And special thanks to our patreon supporters, Tristan F., Perry B., Devin W., Becky T., Nico A., and Joyce B.

#jar of rebuke #jar of rebuke podcast #jor podcast #jar of rebuke transcripts

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shirtlesssammy · 6 years

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13x06: Tombstone

Then:

Uncontrollable Sobbing

Now:

Where the fuck is our TFW reunion? Dean and a local lawman from Dodge City, Kansas are hunting something at night in a graveyard, when the sarge gets sucked underground by some particularly strong grabby hands.

48 Hours Earlier

Dean and Cas are reunited and all is right in the world. (Sam. Sam is here too.) Dean asks Cas if it’s really him. Cas admits to annoying an ancient cosmic being into sending him back to Earth. Sam mumbles something about not knowing what to say, but Dean’s got this one.

“Welcome home, pal.” And Dean gives Cas a big hug ---and oh my, his face journey when he hugs Cas. What the fuck, Dean!? I know you’re in shock, but don’t pal-zone the dude. Your face is a menace.

(Sam. Sam is here too --and he gets a hug in as well.)

Cas asks how long he was gone (all calculations seem to indicate ~a month), and Dean responds, “Too damn long.” Like, when Cas finds out how long it really was, he better call Dean out on how dramatic that is. He tells the brothers that he was in the Empty. Sam surmises that Jack did something to wake him.

At the bunker, there’s a heartfelt meeting/reunion of Jack and Cas. This third Cas hug was really emotional for me, guys.

Jack is eager to prove to his new family that he’s studying hard, moving pencils with his mind, and finding cases to work. If he wasn’t so fucking cute, I’d have my supernatural sensors pinging right now. He wants so desperately to be good, but the more he learns about his powers, the more he’ll use them. We’re only at episode 6 --there’s a whole lot of time for him to go dark side. Jack lets the team know that “the dead are rising in Dodge City, Kansas.” Nerd Dean makes an appearance. And much to Sam and Cas’s reluctance, they decide to check it out. Off to the Stampede Motel and RV Park!

Dean books the best room in the joint (but only two beds for four grown men, smh).

And Dean Bean really nerds out about all the western gunmen on the wall. (Sam. Sam is here too --wondering why he can’t enjoy serial killer trivia.) Also, I just about died watching Tactile!Dean touch the bison’s nose.

While Dean and Sam prepare to crash for the night, Cas and Jack bond over not sleeping.

Dean opens the closet door to discuss how getting Cas back is a “pretty, damn big win.” Sam’s happy he’s happy, but his Dimples of Knowledge™ indicate he knows it’s more than that. And he closes the closet, conversation over.

Meanwhile, Deputy Kyle pulls over a stolen truck, only to be dragged under the vehicle for his efforts.

Later that night, Dean gets his first real good night of sleep in a month, while Cas and Jack talk about all that’s happened to Jack. Jack is just such a nougat-face wondering about heaven (angels are dicks, Jack.) They talk about Kelly, and Cas apologizes for not being there for Jack from the beginning. “Kelly would be so proud of you,” Cas assures his mini-me. It’s then that Jack sees the latest law enforcement development and runs to tell Sam and Dean. Cas, who’s watched Dean wake up angry so many times he’s lost count, runs to stop Jack from making the most egregious error, but is too late. Dean pulls his gun on him (thankfully Jack doesn’t blast him with nephilim power, right?), and then asks for someone *cough*Cas*cough* to make him coffee.

After finding out that the deputy was found with bite marks all over, Sam and Jack decide to hit up the local graveyard while Cas and Dean check out the crime scene. After Dean’s coffee break, of course.

Classic Scene Alert

Dean and Cas pull up to the crime scene. Holy Hell, guys. I could watch this on repeat forever.

Dean bought Cas a cowboy hat --only it’s a straw hat!

Dean fixes said hat to look better, but Cas is dubious of that correction.

Cas touched Baby’s rearview mirror and lives to to see another day.

Dean is hella excited to act like he’s in the movie Tombstone.

Cas is Dean’s ‘Huckleberry”, i.e. man he’s been looking for.

Dean makes Cas watch movies with him.

Dean closes his eyes and swallows very dramatically when Cas lowers his voice and quotes Tombstone. (I don’t make the rules, that’s just canon.)

Dean is glad to have his angel back and his voice breaks when he says “Cas”.

I have to admit, I’m not the biggest Steve Miller Band fan, so I was a bit meh when I first heard this, but after watching this scene a couple hundred dozen times, I’m cool with it. It’s certainly not their most played song and it’s jangly fun for the scene. I loved the record scratch at the end. And Cas’s “Howdy partner” and “Much obliged”? JFC.

Dean Agent Russell, and his associate, Cas Val Kilmer, meet with Sergeant Phillips about the victim. Turns out to be his nephew, and he’s wondering why the Texas Rangers are this far north. Dean rolls with his new role.

At the undertakers, rockabilly Athena is preparing a body for embalming while wearing noise cancelling headphones. She doesn’t hear Sam and Jack Agent’s Elliott and Paxton approach. Athena doubts Jack’s age (aww, remember when Sam was so young people doubted that he was an FBI agent? They grow up so fast.) Sam and Athena make a brief connection over Amanda Palmer and Jack fucks up and asks about cold spots. (He’s trying so hard. PROTECT.)

At the grave, Sam finds a gnawed on hip bone. They’re dealing with a ghoul!

TFW 2.0 wonders if Athena is the ghoul, but quickly dismiss that idea. Athena, meanwhile, is busy at work, and busy being followed by a shadowy figure. Dean figures it out that they’re looking for Dave Mather, cowboy and outlaw and someone who’s been dead since 1886, “which makes this a little weird.”

Athena’s mysterious stalker is Dave! It seems that Athena was accepted to a prestigious make-up school in LA. Dave is less than impressed. Athena spills the beans on the FBI visit, alerting Dave.

After Jack pieces it together that Dave is Athena’s boyfriend, they head out to the mortuary, looking for Dave.

Dave is busy robbing a bank.

Team Free Will 2.0 heads to the bank to stop him. They confirm that Dave is, in fact, a ghoul who's been chomping on ole Dave for a long time now. A regular Western-style shootout begins. Cas tells Jack to stay hidden but Jack's full of confidence now. He rushes out and gets shot full of lead for his trouble. But Jack's unperturbed by this. He holds up his hand and does a power blast, throwing both Dave and the bank guard violently backwards.

Dave falls to the ground but the bank guard gets knocked against a concrete pillar. When he falls to ground, he falls down dead, presumably killed instantly as soon as his head hit the pillar. Dave escapes on foot with Dean in pursuit while everyone else checks on the guard. Dean loses Dave (curse you, stray automobile!) and heads back to the crime scene where Jack is looking with horror on the dead guard who Castiel tries and fails to resurrect. This seems like a low power moment for Cas, but here's my headcanon. Cas could revive the body but the guard's soul already moved on. Since he isn't welcome in Heaven these days, Cas couldn't head up and retrieve his soul. You may say to me. Natasha. How do you explain Gadreel then HUH? To that I simply say that Cas and Charlie's souls hadn't moved on yet. (I also accept the more popular headcanon that Cas will never be max power again now that some of his grace was destroyed by Metatron’s spell.)

Anyway, the guard is irrevocably dead. They all head back to the hotel to figure out their next step.

We cut to the hotel where the camera closes in on Jack with an actual thunderclap sound effect. Yesss yes give me your heavy handed audio cues. Cas asks if it's happened before (and I'm getting some serious parent/teacher conference vibes here.) But it doesn’t really matter, does it? Because there’s a dead man in town and the police are gonna be sniffing around. Dean sends Cas and Sam home with Jack while he stays to take care of the ghoul.

Back at the mortuary, Dave stumbles in on Athena. He's bleeding, aggressive, and he's got a bag full of stolen money. He confesses to robbing graves for quick cash and a bank for mega cash. Athena hears all this, puts two and two together, and realizes that he killed the officer. Dave protests that the murder was okay because he “had it coming.” He grips her tightly and tells her that she should stick with him because he'll protect her. It's all very...UGH. Athena tells him that she'll never stay with him and I'm honestly fearing for her life right now. Because telling him she's leaving him will only lead to him rage-killing her, right? A car pulls up outside, interrupting Dave in what just might have been the knick of time.

We jump to outside the mortuary. It's the Sergeant, quickly followed by Dean! They greet each other laconically. “You here to shoot down a gosh durn monster?” “Yep.” They stalk through the cemetery and separate to flush out Dave when a hole opens up in the ground (yes, we're looping back to the opening scene) and swallows up the Sergeant. Dean rushes to the hole. It's deep and dark and Dean, bless him, hesitates at the lip of the sinkhole.

“Mmm mmm. Nope, I don't wanna,” he says and I one hundred percent back him up on this opinion. Going face first into a tiny crawl hole is the stuff of nightmares. To his credit, however, in he goes. He crawls through on his belly, shotgun in hand.

Back in the Impala, Sam and Cas try to make Jack feel better. “I've killed people who didn't deserve it,” Cas tells him. “My friends. I killed people I loved. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier...with time it hurts less but that would be a lie.” Jack ain't buying it and honestly...neither am I. I'm not convinced that telling newborn Jack that his role model isn't such a role model is the best strategy in this case. But ANYway. Cas tries to convince him that what happened was a mistake and he can still improve. “I have to believe it,” Cas says. And...AAAW CAS <3 Always swimming towards faith in something better. (High fives the Empty for drop-kicking him back to us.)

Jack is JUST DONE.

Dean finally crawls to the end of the tunnel and ends up in the undertaker's basement. He finds Athena tied up down there and the Sergeant injured but alive. A gun snicks behind Dean and he turns around to find the last player in the drama: Ghoul Dave.

Dave's wearing his cowboy hat (because why not) and orders Dean to hold his hands up high. Dave hits peak about-to-get-his-comeuppance smug, describing how he's going to kill Dean, when Dean steps aside revealing the Sergeant holding a shotgun. The Sergeant fires a carefully aimed round and takes off Dave's entire head. The blood cannon splatters across Athena's crisp, white shirt in what Boris described as cleverly staged costuming. “Happy trails, cowboy,” Dean says to the headless body.

Dean heads back to the bunker, gives the victory report, and tells Sam that he took care of covering up Jack's accident. This makes Jack angry. He's not ready to accept forgiveness and he's frustrated that everyone tells him to move on. He shouts and Sam backs away with his hands in the air. Jack recognizes their fear. “Maybe I'm just another monster,” Jack theorizes. To everyone's surprise, Dean disagrees. He's no more monster than Sam, Dean, or Cas. Jack, to his credit, doesn't think this is exactly a winning argument. Jack decides to leave so he doesn't hurt anyone else. He power blasts them all to the floor and then flaps out of the bunker.

QuoteBack Mountain:

I do.

Two salty hunters, one half-angel kid, and a dude that just came back from the dead again. Team Free Will 2.0.

He really likes cowboys

I told you, he’s an angry sleeper, like a bear.

My name is Val Kilmer.

I’m gonna get my boots on.

Tell her that the guy she's banging eats dad people and we gotta kill him.

Sure, come to Dodge City. We'll have some laughs.

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn picspam #spn 13x06 #tombstone #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #cas #jack kline #supernatural season #brokebacknatural

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aviewfromthepanopticon · 5 years

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The Auntie Matter

Big Finish’s summary: England in the 1920s. Whilst K9 is off in the TARDIS leading the Black Guardian on a wild goose chase, the Doctor and Romana are enjoying a leisurely lifestyle as the Lord and Lady of a London townhouse. But trouble never stays away from them for long, and before they know it a chance discovery of alien technology leads them deep into the heart of the English countryside where a malign presence lurks. As the Doctor dodges deadly butlers and ferocious gamekeepers, Romana is faced with a malevolent Aunt and an even deadlier peril — marriage. Written by: Jonathan Morris Directed by: Ken Bentley Release Date: January 14th, 2013 Series: The Fourth Doctor Adventures, Series 2, Story 1 Cast: Tom Baker (The Doctor), Mary Tamm (Romana), Alan Cox (Grenville), Lucy Griffiths (Mabel), Julia McKenzie (Florence), Robert Portal (Reggie), Jane Slavin (Ligeia)

This audio is simply a DELIGHT

Everything about it is just... so much fun. Just endlessly amusing.

Some commentary on this audio from Vortex:

Writer Jonathan Morris says: “The story is set in 1920s Hampshire and is a kind of a what-if, the what-if being, ‘What if PG Wodehouse had written a Doctor Who story in 1978?’ Well, The Auntie Matter endeavours to be the answer to that question. “It’s a frothy, silly, summery, farcical comedy, but with grisly undertones. I’m immeasurably proud of it. I think, through attempting to channel the voice of the Master, it contains some of my wittiest writing.”

Jonny attended the studio recording and was delighted with the passionate performances. He grins: “To hear Tom Baker performing my words and doing it so well, with such attention to detail, with such irrepressible humour and with such panache! Many times I closed my eyes and it was like being transported back to 1978 – or sticking on a DVD of a Doctor Who from 1978. “I count myself inordinately fortunate to have been given such an opportunity; even if in retrospect I still can’t quite believe it happened! It will be a memory to treasure for the rest of my life. It’s just mind-boggling.” (Vortex 107)

Director Ken Bentley adds: “The Auntie Matter is still one of the most bonkers stories I’ve worked on. You can always rely on Jonny for something unusual, and every now and then and he delivers a real peach. “The combination of such quintessentially English comedy characters and science fiction turned this into something akin to an absurdist play. Robert Portal did such a fantastic job of bringing Reggie to life that he’s on the list of characters I’d like to see return.” (Vortex 107)

We open on the Doctor and Romana pretending to be a married couple in 1929, where they co-own a townhouse on Baker Street in London. When they purchased this townhouse is a mystery. This seems to be Romana’s first visit to the townhouse, and they stay there later in the 4DAs (when Romana is in her Second Incarnation type later) both earlier in the 1920s and during the Victorian era (they also stay there in the 1960s and in the 1980s).

Regardless of where the townhouse came from, Romana is bored out of her mind pretending to be a Human, so she decides to go out and learn about Human scientific advancement (no wonder later in the 4DAs Romana has a list of fun activities to do/exciting people to meet, in case she has to spend extended periods of time on Earth).

ROMANA: You did what? DOCTOR: I told you, I linked the randomizer to the TARDIS guidance systems and left it on automatic in a low oven. ROMANA: So now the TARDIS is flitting randomly through time and space? DOCTOR: Yes. Until the Black Guardian gets tired of chasing it, and then it will return to us here in London. Eventually. ROMANA: Eventually? DOCTOR: Oh, after its visited a thousand worlds or so, it shouldn’t take more than a couple of weeks, a month at the most! ROMANA: And in the meantime, Doctor, we’re stuck here on Earth? And what about the dog? He’s still in the TARDIS! DOCTOR: Oh, he’ll be in his element! I left the scanner open so he can look outside, and if he gets bored he can always look things up in the databank. He likes that. ROMANA: Aren’t you forgetting something? What if the Black Guardian manages to locate us while the TARDIS is away? DOCTOR: Ah! That’s why I’m building this! ROMANA: Which is? DOCTOR: It’s an etheric field disturbance detector! ROMANA: Huh? DOCTOR: It detects disturbances in the etheric field. ROMANA: Ah! And does it work? DOCTOR: Not yet, but it will do! When it’s finished. Then the Black Guardian won’t be able to sneak up on us without our knowing about it! *chuckles* ROMANA: I can’t help thinking it might have been more logical to finish building the detector before sending the TARDIS off on a wild goose chase! DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose it would, now you come to mention it. Oh well. *knock on door* DOCTOR: Hello? Yes! MABEL: Your breakfast, your Lordship. DOCTOR: Breakfast? Ah! Yes! Put it on the table over there, will you? No. On second thought… I’m not hungry anymore. Could you take it away again? MABEL: As you wish, my Lord. DOCTOR: Hmmmmm, now then… where was I? *sounds of tea being poured* ROMANA: But of all the places in the galaxy, why choose here? DOCTOR: Why? What’s wrong with Earth?!?! ROMANA: Ooooh, nothing. It’s harmless. *tea is now being stirred*... If a little primitive. DOCTOR: Primitive? *tea is set down* ROMANA: Well, yes. They’ve only just worked out general relativity. They’re barely one step up from banging rocks together. DOCTOR: I’ll have you know this is one of the three great periods in Earth history! The roaring Twenties! A time of Gershwin, F Scott Fitzgerald of Hemingway *laughs* a ton of flappers and men in spats… of diamonds as big as the ritz! ROMANA: So that’s why you chose this time zone. DOCTOR: ….well… well no. It was a complete accident. But I don’t know what you’re complaining about! I found us a nice house, didn’t I? ROMANA: Yes, I… I just wish… *sighs* we’d landed on a more stimulating world. DOCTOR: More stimu - !!!! You’ve barely given it a chance! You should get out there! See the sights! Enjoy some of the local culture! ROMANA: While you stay here trying to get that machine to work? DOCTOR: Well I’m hardly going to get it to work if I go out with you, am I, Romana? ROMANA: I suppose I could always immerse myself in the scientific literature of this age. That might while away the afternoon! DOCTOR: Yes... that’s the spirit. Carpe Diem. ROMANA: I’ll just pop down to one of the bookshops in Bloomsbury. I shouldn’t be longer than half an hour! DOCTOR: Sonic screwdriver… sonic screwdriver… ROMANA: I SAID I’ll - DOCTOR: I know I put it down somewhere… ROMANA: UGH, nevermind. Goodbye Doctor! DOCTOR: Uh, there you are! Now, just a matter of calibrating the temporal anomaly…

At the bookstore she goes to to learn about Human knowledge, Romana meets a man who is desperate to find a lady to marry and bring home to meet his aunt (who is a body snatching alien, shhhhh, he doesn’t know)

BOOKSTORE EMPLOYEE: Yes Ma’am, can I help you? ROMANA: I’m looking for any publications relating to recent mathematical and scientific developments. EMPLOYEE: Was there anything in particular you were interested in? ROMANA: Oooh, you know, set theory, quantum theory, the photo-electric effect, that sort of thing. EMPLOYEE: I’ll take a look in the back. REGGIE: I say! That’s a bit of a coincidence, what! ROMANA: What is? REGGIE: You, coming in here, asking about books on the photogigamy effect, when that’s precisely what I was looking for too! ROMANA: Really? You don’t strike me as the scientific type. REGGIE: Oh, yes. I’m a sucker for all things sciencey! The more advanced, the better as far as I’m concerned! And it’s not everyday a chap comes across a pretty girl who's interested in quantic theory! ROMANA: Quantum theory. REGGIE: That too! ROMANA: It relates to the behavior of subatomic particles. REGGIE: Oh, I know! Fascinating little chaps, aren’t they? ROMANA: I was wondering in particular what conclusions have been drawn from the photo-electric effect with regards to particle-wave duality. REGGIE: Oh! That! Yes! Wan old business, isn’t it? Been exercising the grey matter about it myself, actually! ROMANA: And have you come to any conclusions? REGGIE: Not conclusions, as such. But I’ll tell you what, I’d love to discuss it with you over a spot of lunch! If you’re willing. ROMANA: Hmmm, I suppose I have nothing better to do, Mr eh? REGGIE: Connally-Basset, at your service. But you can me Reginald. Or Reggie if time is short! ROMANA: Pleased to meet you. My name’s Romana. REGGIE: Romana. Is that short for something? ROMANA: It’s funny you should mention that… *bookstore shop door opens and closes with a dinging bell

Reggie has an alien implant, put there by his aunt, and through it his butler (who is an android) feeds him information regarding increasingly advanced science to talk to Romana about. So while he stumbles over pronouncing words right and all that, he does seem to have an actual understanding of the concepts Romana brings up when they are talking more in depth during lunch. Romana is very willing to believe that this guy is an actual authority on Earth science (Gee I wonder why Romana is so forgiving of this guy mispronouncing every term and stumbling over the basics as they talk about science. Wonder what leads her to think someone who so clearly doesn’t know what the hell they are talking about is actually worth hearing out?) Overall, Romana is very happy to meet someone who can tell her all about Human scientific advancement.

It also needs to be noted that Romana knows literally nothing about the social mores of early 20th Century Earth, particularly among the English upper class. So when Reggie invites her to lunch she says yes, because she wants to talk about science. She has no idea her acceptance of his invitation can be construed as anything other than she simply wishes to continue their conversation about human scientific advancement. Similarly, when Reggie invites her to come to his country estate alone, specifically to meet his aunt who he makes clear is his family matriarch, she says yes, because he told her he has books about science there. She has no idea her acceptance of his invitation can be construed as anything other than that she simply wishes to take a look at the books he keeps at the manor.

Meanwhile Reggie plans to tell her the truth once they are at his estate, because “She might not mind being manacled to a chap who was mentally negligible once she's seen the size of his country estate!”

Throughout this process Reggie is a bit thrown that she never wants to talk to him about anything but science, but hey a super gorgeous lady is giving him the time of day and accepting his courting invites so he isn’t going to question things too much.

Once Romana is at the manor, Reggie’s alien body snatcher aunt makes it clear that she REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to steal Romana’s body.

You see, the Aunt’s body snatching process results in the bodies she takes aging at a super increased rate, so they tend to last her only a few months at the very most. It’s very annoying because every time she gets a new one she has to erase all of Reggie’s memories about the last woman he was engaged to, and then send him off immediately to find someone new.

Reggie, we find out, was raised from infancy by this alien to be used as a lure to capture Human women. It is implied that he is very very handsome and beyond super rich.

The prospect of taking over Romana’s body really excites the bodysnatching aunt. A Time Lord’s body, even with the increased aging factor brought on by the bodyswap, would be good for THOUSANDS of years.

As if that wasn’t enough of a reason for her to be obsessed with Romana, even having made sure Reggie was only bringing home exceptionally bright Humans, Human brains were still leaving the body snatching aunt feeling cramped. She’d have no such problem with Romana’s brain, since Time Lord brains are far larger than even the aunt’s original body’s!!

So yeah, this alien is very very very set on capturing Romana. She orders both her Robot-Gamekeeper and her Robot-Butler to bring Romana to her no matter what.

This of course leads to Romana fighting and ultimately defeating the aunt.

Romana’s pretty sure she did it entirely on her own.

Meanwhile, after Romana leaves him alone, the Doctor gets restless and goes out to foil an alien invasion. He does this with the help of his and Romana’s housekeeper Mabel, because well... you know how it is when the Doctor’s left alone around any given Human for too long. Originally he wanted Romana to come with him (he was not actually aware she left), and ran into Mabel while looking for her, so he decided she should come with him instead. It started when he decided to test the machine he was building. It picked up a signal, and he wanted to check it out. He then stumbled upon a crashed spaceship not too far from an old manor house, which was being guarded by androids. This led to him discovering that the manor house was run by a body snatching alien. The body snatcher wanted to kill the Doctor - Four was functionally useless to her, since she only wanted to live inside a woman’s body.

This seems to primarily just be an excuse to work in this quote:

AUNT FLORENCE: Leave the man, it's the girl I want!

The housekeeper the Doctor made his companion for the day and the guy hitting on Romana fall in love and get together by the end of the story.

REGGIE: Toodle-pip! ROMANA: I’m sorry? REGGIE: Oh, it’s an old Earth saying. It means goodbye. ROMANA: (slowly, almost sounding it out) Toodle-pip, Reginald. MABEL: So, I suppose this is toodle-pip for us, too? REGGIE: What?! MABEL: Well, I’m a kitchen maid, and you’re… Lord Basset of Basset Hall. REGGIE: Yes. I suppose you’re right. MABEL: Yes. REGGIE: I mean, what would people say? MABEL: Exactly. REGGIE: Imagine the brouhaha! *snorts* MABEL: Yes. REGGIE: So I suppose that gives us no alternative. MABEL: Nope. REGGIE: We’ll just have to let them talk, won’t we? MABEL: Wha? Reggie… you mean? REGGIE: I certainly do! Light of my life! MABEL: You mean you love me? REGGIE: From the very first moment I clapped eyes upon you. Reginald, I thought, this is the girl for you and no mistake! MABEL: Oh, Reggie! REGGIE: Come, my dear. We can discuss the wedding arrangements over breakfast.

At no point did either of our two nonsense Time Lord dorks notice the other was also working on foiling the exact same alien invasion, or even how they were directly helping each other.

(In the following scene there are places where the Doctor and Romana are both speaking at the same time.) DOCTOR: No extraterrestrial activity detected. Ahah! It works perfectly! *door opens* Romana! ROMANA: Doctor, are you still working on this machine? DOCTOR: Well, just making a few final adjustments! Where have you been? ROMANA: Well… it’s funny you should ask. I’ve just defeated an alien menace! DOCTOR: Have you? ROMANA: Yes! Single-handedly! DOCTOR: Well that’s a bit of a coincidence! Because while you were off sight-seeing, I also saw off an alien threat! ROMANA: Really? DOCTOR: Oh yes! Single-handedly! ROMANA: You’ll forgive me if I find that a little hard to believe. DOCTOR: Well you should have been there! It was terribly dangerous! ROMANA: Been where? DOCTOR: Basset Hall! ROMANA: BASSET HALL?! DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: But that’s where I’ve just been! DOCTOR: Really? Basset Hall? ROMANA: Yes! You don’t mean to say you were there too? DOCTOR: Yes, of course! I faced an alien Valjax who had possessed the body of a woman- ROMANA: YOU faced an alien Valjax? DOCTOR (in unison with Romana): There’s no way you have been there. I feel sure I would have noticed, and even if you WERE there… Who was it who set the robot gamekeeper to explode? Eh? Tell me that! ROMANA (in unison with the Doctor): I think you’ll find that I was the one who faced the alien Valjax! Even if you were there, you weren’t the one who defeated it! Because I was the one who set the robot butler to explode! ROMANA: *sighs* I’ll get the butler to make us a cup of tea. I think we have a spot of explaining to do.

Since this first audio in the 4DAs Volume 2 came out six months after Mary Tamm’s death, following the story itself there is an extended tribute to her. Obviously the entire second season is dedicated to her memory.

From Vortex:

Before we launch into a full preview of season two of The Fourth Doctor Adventures, it seems fitting to talk about Mary Tamm, who eagerly embraced the opportunity to return as Romana for this series. “Nothing will keep me away,” she told me when I first approached her, and she was true to her word. Even cancer, and months spent enduring treatment, didn’t quell Mary’s passion for the project. We, as colleagues and as fans, are indebted to her for seeing the series through, under awful circumstances. She came to every studio recording full of enthusiasm, laughed endlessly, and – on the last day I saw her – told me that doing the recordings had helped her get through it. She was a fantastic lady, and this season is dedicated to her. (Vortex 47)

Jonny added: “There’s a very moving tribute to Mary included on the end of the CD/ download. There’s not much more I can add, except to say that it was [an] honour to write for her and to hear her performing words I had written, and performing them so beautifully, so precisely, and with such a joyful lightness of touch. “I feel privileged to have been associated with her, even in a small way. We Doctor Who fans love all the actors and actresses from the show dearly, and I hope Mary realised how admired and appreciated she was.” (Vortex 107)

Overall I really enjoy this audio.

The entire second volume of the 4DAs feels like an exciting transitional period in Romana’s life, set after the Key to Time quest but before she regenerated. You can see her really start to explore the traits that would eventually define her second incarnation, while still remaining very much recognizable as the Romana I of Season 16.

Not to mention of course that the Wodehouse vibe of this story works exceptionally well for the Fourth Doctor, particularly for a story set during the Williams era.

This is just over all and through and through an exceptionally enjoyable audio. I find myself returning to it again and again, since it truly delivers on being incredibly entertaining and fun.

#Doctor Who #Big Finish #The Fourth Doctor Adventures #Fourth Doctor #Romana #Romanadvoratrelundar #Romana I #The Auntie Matter #The Doctor

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tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

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Vol. 15

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

The Haunted: Stalked By A Vampire *Bumps in the night & an invisible sucker of energy, Animal Planet? Okay, the family had a dog & 2 cats, animal enough for ya? A mom of 5, w/ a husband away at work all the time, projects her somber moods over certain recent life events, like her admitted miscarriages, onto her family. Instead of time spent really trying in the care of mental health experts, paranormal "experts" are called in. The spook investigators sound like they're making a metaphor about this "energy Vampire" continuing to follow this woman around as if they really meant to be saying her mental health problems. Sadly, they're serious only about the supernatural & not this woman or family's mental well being.* 1 star

Jerry Springer: "I'm Happy I Cut Off My Own Legs!" *A middle aged man turned trans-gender woman achieves another lifelong goal when "she," after many hilariously described failed attempts (homemade guillotine), discovers that a power saw is the right tool for the job. On a side note, Caitlyn Jenner is still a former male Olympics track star w/ both "her" legs.* 1 star

The Comfort Zone w/ Ray Comfort: Ken Ham "Aliens Go To Hell" (Live Interview) *The creator of the Creation Museum claims to be saying that he doesn't believe that NASA is complete nonsense, but he suggests that it's a waste of time & money. From the smarmy & unfunny remarks of Ken, Ray, & the other co-hosts/tools it's obvious that they're attempting, & failing, in trying to tie the secular scientific community in w/ hardcore UFO believers.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Twelve Stepping & Hypnosis *Have a disease? Then get on your knees. Close your eyes, count backwards, & you're cured.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*M... Kay...: God first, money second, cosmetics third, individuality somewhere after family & a career w/ Mary Kay.* 2 1/2 stars

*Pre-Marital Sex Who Do You Listen To: Listen to the dorky 80s rock band PETRA, some supposed experts in the emerging HIV-AIDS crisis who have an obvious religious bias, & your local Republican congressman & or minister... heck could have been dad's country club golf buddy / spiritual guru of the green. Keep your privates holy & clean.* Decent

*Sheep: "Have you ever had a mountain top experience, girls?" We know that if you listen to this Peggy Hill look-&-act-a-like w/ her own baaaa talk show, you haven't had a female orgasm, because that's not righteous of a lady, baaaaa!* either 1 or 3 stars

*Evolution Is, As Evolution Does: "A dog, a wolf, a coyote, & a banana. Which is not like the others?" I give up. I need further religious instruction to answer this question or parable. Oh, it's not a parable? It's just an attempt to disprove evolution... banana!* Folly! me banana. Daylight come & me still don't know if earth 6 thousand or 6 billion old!

*2 Minute - The Second Coming: End times & a non-believer can't even get a cheeseburger & a medium coke w/out the mark of the beast or ending up like an unfortunate soul in a story by Edgar Allan Poe.* either 1 or 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------

GoodBadFlicks.com : Dead Heat *Treat Williams looks so much like Bill Pullman. Treat Williams makes a great zombie.Treat Williams & Joe Piscopo make a great buddy cop duo. The 80s were probaby the only decade that a great zombie cop buddy action comedy could be made.* 3 stars for the review

--- Siskel & Ebert: The Worst Films of 1984 (aka The Stinkers of 84)

*Always loved the intros for Siskel & Ebert. I'm more familiar w/ the one from my childhood where they meet out in front of the theater looking grumpy while buying newspapers & paying the cabbie. This one is from close to a decade earlier & they're much more cheery fellows as they go about a quirky routine of getting their movie concession snacks.

*Sheena, Queen of the Jungle: Roger thinks that Sheena isn't even a good bad movie w/ inappropriate music for the action scenes "sounds like it belongs in a honeymoon video" & Tanya Roberts not being sexy enough. I like that Roger is thinking like Joe Bob. Yeah, doesn't look great to me. Yep, 80s & before were about the only time a blonde white chick could be seriously considered a jungle queen.* looks like folly

*Rhinestone: Siskel isn't fond of hearing Sylvester Stallone sing bad country music in a popular, at the time, urban cowboy genre disaster. I wouldn't either. Dolly Parton is his co-star & it looks like they had zero chemistry. Could have been the awful dialogue. More weird is that Stallone seemed to be trying a southern accent... ugh...* 1 star

*Bolero: Roger & Gene like Bo Derek better in Tarzan & 10. This is one of those infamous movies that true film fans always hear about & torture themselves with. No thanks. Looks awkward & one of those arthouse flicks that make sex dull.* 1/2 a crushed matador's penis

*Cannonball Run 2: Gene can't appreciate a country wide car race movie that only has a small animated car race at the end. I remember liking these Cannonball Run movies as a kid. Not sure if they still hold up. Probably couldn't stomach so much of Burt's physicalcomedy. Dom Deluise makes me slightly chuckle though.* close to 2 stars

*City Heat: Roger thinks that bad action & bad comedy equals a bad movie. Siskel thinks that the actors slept walked through the making of it. One would think that an Eastwood & Reynolds 1920s or 30s gangster buddy film would have some entertaining value, but it looks like it was played way too tongue in cheek.* 1 star

*Dune: Siskel & Ebert think Dune was squandered potential. Turning out to be dusty in its ugly presentation & confusingly boring. As poorly made as "an old serial like Captain Video." Dune is another divisive infamous movie. I'm not qualified enough to comment on it as I've never gotten around to seeing it. Only David Lynch movie that I haven't.*

*Siskel & Ebert's honorable mentions of 84:

*Friday the 13th, The Final Chapter: "Bad news it won't be the last one." Respectfully, I say, screw you, Gene. Lucky for us 80s kids, he was right.*

More than decent.

*Windy City: "Tearjerker about a guy mostly in love with himself." A forgettable romantic comedy looks like. Every generation of movie goers has hundreds of 'em.* Dull.

*The Woman in Red: "Kelly LeBrock was not on screen enough." - Siskel. Also starring Gene Wilder lusting over her. Can't blame either Gene.* could be fair.

*Where The Boys Are: "Sex & surf replaced by inflatable dolls & sun tan lotion." - Ebert. Sounds like Roger is bitter about being too old & chubby to go to the beach where they were filming 80s sex comedies. Was it a sex comedy?* another could be fair.

*Best Defense: "A stupid military espionage story." starring Dudley Moore & Eddie Murphy .Murphy was already teaming up w/ other actors to make bad comedy movies in 84? I thought Eddie was on fire until some time in the 90s when he started screwing up.* early folly

*Harry & Son: "Painfully contrived" father son movie featuring Paul Newman.* skip, 1/2 star

*Silent Night, Deadly Night: "Crude, mean spirited slasher movie" & not a Holiday classic? What did Gene expect? It's A Wonderful Life? Thank Santa for mean spirited 80s holiday themed slasher movies. Again, this time I'll have to respectfully disagree w/ a generation of movie reviewers my parents' age who just didn't get a certain genre's finer points.* more than decent

Gene promises a feature on Hollywood's hottest new comic. Coming, next week, "The Secret of Bill Murray." Ha. Awesome time period.

Siskel & Ebert are sponsored by: Diet Shasta (generic soda for generic people like Gene & Roger), Pan Am airlines for those who wanna be spread across the Pacific ocean like so much untraceable no rescue debris... Raisinets & Goobers... Glade Smoke Away fordingy smokers who stink & wear dingy colored clothes like Gene & Roger & every other adult in the early 80s...

Roger & Gene separate at the entrance to leaving the theater. Trying to pretend that they don't secretly go to a motel together after the movies.

-----------------------------------------------------

Occult Demon Cassette presents "Rock, It's Your Decision" 1982 (Christian Anti-Rock VHS) *It's your decision to surrender to your parents' & youth minister's opinion on devil music. That is unless you, being a dumb teenager wasting precious brain cells on rock & bible school lessons, can find, via religiously biased "research" materials backed up by scripture, a damn good reason to damn your soul to hell with rock music. Bwahahaha! That laugh might have sounded evil. But it came from a wholesome, square & uptight, while at the same time trying to be understanding to teens, youth minister.* folly

Uncharted Zone: I Only Set the Stage - Paul Gormley *Dad rock in dad jean shorts. She devil in red. The pit of hell & horrible green screen amateur music video fx. Also that ole aging rocker cosplay Satan himself.* close to 2 stars

--- Night Flight (1990):

*A jean ensemble wearing 80s teen breaks into the carnival to blast his rock cassette ove rthe audio system & to ride the rollercoaster all by himself. Sony "Take It For A Spin" 2 1/2 stars

*West Michigan's "Kids Film Festival" featuring "Problem Child 1"... "The Jetsons Movie"... Bill Cosby's "Ghost Dad"... "The Jungle Book".. "Back to the Future 3"...* 2 1/2 stars

*"Give 'Em A Brake!" road worker safety ad sponsored by the "Detroit Pistons" & the Michigan Department of Transportation. I don't want to sound like Bill O'Reilly, here, but looking at the short shorts on the early 90s NBA players makes me miss pre-HIP HOP fashions & attitudes NBA. Not a lot of disgusting tattoos either. They actually look like basketball players not "thugs" in baggy pajamas.* more than 2 stars

*Toon Theater - Goodnight Norma... Goodnight Milton: A miserable couple show their very grotesque secret sides when they get home from a night out with "friends" that they despise behind closed doors.* 3 stars

*Night Flight bumper featuring Bela Lugosi & Boris Karlof playing a game of chess.* 3 stars

*"They're young, they're beautiful, & we have their private phone numbers." Call 1 900... Yeah, I seriously doubt beautiful women want their private phone numbers given out to perverts.* more than 2 1/2 stars

*A bald middle aged man is positively thrilled w/ his game show experience on Grand Rapids tv's "The Jokers Wild."* 2 1/2 stars

*A kid sits on his carpet floor playing w/ his firetruck dreaming about one day becoming a fireman. On the 13 inch t.v. starts playing a cheesy jingle "America needs you... America needs me... America the beautiful, we're gonna save the free... So, I'm gonna be the best that I can be because America needs me!" The kid is magically transported onto the back of a firetruck on a fire & rescue mission. He's zapped back to his living room floor w/ a new "America Needs Me!" t-shirt. He gives a thumbs up & says "Drug Free"... Central Michigan Substance Abuse Center... Huh? What the hell did the fireman fantasy have to do with drugs? I'm so confused.* close to 3 stars or 1 star

*Extreme closeups of mouths as they give confessions to the camera "I couldn't help myself" along with pulsating drum & synth music as the off camera industrial fan blows the hotmodel's hair as she holds an ominous red telephone not connected to anything. It's not a wireless phone, it's one of the old school curved chorded phones, so that's why it looks odd to me & I've decided to comment on it & waste words doing so.* 3 stars

*A grandma sits down in the rocking chair, in her shack, to tell a bedtime story to a young child... for some reason, it appears that the tape cuts out & shoots to somethingelse.. not sure if this is part of the story... doesn't seem so... maybe I'm wrong

*"From Outerspace They Came" logo for a 50s sci fi style flick

*Now claymation monsters in a claymation city... looks great

*Guitar solo & the beginning of "Would you take me to Funky Town" cool

*50s sci fi space explorers sit back & prepare to be blasted off into space... I'm ready

*Logo for "Space Monster" where an astronaut encounters a creepy looking humanoid alien who won't stop flicking his tongue.* Weird, thumbs up

*Grandma's back to tell another story... So, I guess beginning w/ the first time we saw her that was the first Night Flight video essay.* 3 stars for that one

*Here begins another Night Flight Video Essay

*1940s looking cartoon screen card for "The Pincussion Man" as Bowie & Queen's "Under Pressure" begins to play.

*It's a happy cartoon planet of balloon animal creatures & explosions

*interspiced into that is a 50s era show or movie featuring a guy being hypnotized to walk funny & then being levetated onto a table.* goes together well.* 3 stars for that essay, unless this is gonna be one big long essay. I'm unclear, so I'm breaking it up.

*Grandma's back for her bit & to start another song w/ selected animation / skits for it

*Witchy cat woman Diana Ross leads a hunk, in a white suit, by the hand through a dreamlike black & white world.* She's into horror makeup like her protege Michael Jackson, I guess

*She's a panther woman but she "don't wanna be eaten alive" even though she's planning on sucking the meat from this guy's bones. Eat me, Diana, Mistress of the Motown Night!

*It sounds like Michael Jackson is singing backup vocals on this song. Sounds good & 80s funky.* More than 2 1/2 stars for that one.

*Grandmas back, once again, & once upon a time... But the Nightflight bumper & announcer lady means that entire series of video essays is over, I'm assuming.*

*Not even 20 minutes into this episode of Night Flight & there's already been more entertainment content value than most modern cable channels, much less their lineup of awful shows, feature all fucking day & night long.* Viva Night Flight

*Spooky as shit ad for a psychic hotline. Most psychic hotlines usually feature white & black trash idiots talking about how it helped their relationships or fortunes. This one is complete X-Files nightmare inducing photoshop of Egyptian images, ghost children, zooming cosmos, skulls, phantom robed creatures, & other ancient religious iconography.* 3 stars

*Promo for the tabloid news journal show "Inside Edition" featuring a story on a cop undercover as a teenager. He gets executed by students. Maybe his very adult mustache was a giveaway. His grieving mom is nothing to laugh at, but Inside Edition is the one doing the exploiting, I'm sure. Probably pretending it's some kind of youth crime epidemic & not some random & odd circumstance act. Ah, there's host Bill O'Reilly. Ha.* 1 star

*Ad for a dirtbike arena racing "Thrills & Chills" home video.* I'll pass. 2 stars

*special preview for "Frankenhooker" coming to vhs home video.* 3 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Mario Joyner: Jokes about how black folks don't try to get a fade by frost bite in the Winter like white folk do w/ their sun tan in the Summer.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Norman Gunston - Roving Reporter: A neurotic Brit raves about some bloodbank conspiracy & then startles random real people on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while asking them for free blood donations. Ha.* close to 3 stars

*Inside Edition promo about Judy Garland's failed comeback tv show. No surprise that this shameless show picks easy targets like dead celebrities. Then, an even more ironic story featuring Bill Cosby talking with teens about sex... Oh, boy....* 1 star

*A morbid "This little piggy" ends in a toe tag for an abused child. In a Child Welfare League of America ad. A grim time period involving child abuse.*

2 stars

*Feature on the resurgence of 70s shock rocker Alice Cooper.* 2 1/2 stars

*Night Flight makes use of their vault of movie & cartoon clips for some horse riding, cowboy, wild indian, kung fu, arabian knight horseback tricks action in a faux ad for "Billy Jo Bob's Riding Academy" "2 Miles Past Bucky's Gunshop"* cool close to 3 stars

*Tuxedo wearing James Stacy holds up a Dirty Harry sized handgun & then says that drunk drivers do more damage. "It could cost you an arm & a leg." He then reveals to be missing both his arm & leg. Heavy, but I'm not sure which statistic is higher for U.S. deaths.* close to 2 1/2 stars. They really don't know how to do effective, startling public service announcements, like this one, anymore.

*Bela Lugosi in "The Phantom Creeps": "Mad Genius Running Wild" the papers say as Bela creates things like a giant killer robot, super villain invisibility, & bombs that can be tossed like firecrackers.* 2 1/2 stars

*Painter Paul Collins shows off his artwork from time spent on a Native American Indian reservation & he calls them an "endangered species" in an ad for the Michigan Indian Child Welfare Agency.* 2 1/2 stars

*The silhoutte of an 80s chick & the breathy words "fantasy phone" must have been enough to get phone sex horny losers to "finish" after the chick tells them "I'll start & yo ufinish." 5 dollars for the first minute. They want their 5 bucks first because they know that you'll finish in under a minute if you're desperate enough to call one of these numbers. Just a "hot" girl speaking to you at all is enough to reach climax.* 2 stars

*Rocky Horror Picture Show - Timewarp: Might have seemed lazy to toss this classic into the late night variety, but it hadn't been done to death by this point or ruined by the awful people involved with the musical show "Glee."*

2 1/2 stars

*The Fleshtones - I Was a Teenage Zombie: Would make a great B-side to "Surfin' Dead" plus the movie clips look decent as well.* close to 3 stars

*Yazoo - Don't Go: Don't remember the video for this being so horror inspired.* Decent

*Sheena Easton - Telephone: All the classic Universal monsters plus a disembodied hand are after Sheena. Can't say that I blame them after she tempted all w/ her "Sugar Walls"* 2 1/2 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Colin Quinn: He pokes fun at growing up Irish-Catholic dealing w/ cop relatives & touchy priests.* close to 3 stars

*Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" set to video of kung fu cinematic action.* 3 stars

*Rudy Vallee in The Musical Doctor: A singing emergency room where a "Step & fetch it" black stereotype is seeking treatment. The doc prescribes him the smooth sounds of inter-spliced clips of Sting from The Police (huh? ha!). He's black, so he'll also need a dose of interspliced Chaka Khan's "I Feel For You."* either 1 or 3 stars

*Old old Hollywood clips of beautiful ladies doing some synchronized swimming dances while the Night Flight voice over lady pokes fun at Dr. Vallee's techniques.* 3 stars

*Dr. Vallee has another crazy patient. This one has hammer toe "Stop Hammertime" w/ the MC himself spliced in. No kidding.* 2 1/2 stars

*Another patient is suffering from lack of music, so he gets some Dionne Warwick "That's What Friends Are For" followed by Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" R & B from "Babyface"... blues from some of the masters... more MC Hammer "Can't Touch This"... my my my my.... "Bel Biv Devoe" for dessert...* 2 1/2 stars early Obamacare

*Cultural tv game show featuring everything from President Ike to President Reagan from James Dean to Disco. Hot pants to the VCR. "Tic Tac Dough."* close to 3 stars

*Not ready for tv women in an ad for the Displaced Homemaker Program. This is exactly why women need not to be homemakers or second class citizens. I'm no liberal or femi-nazi controlled thinker, but seeing these poor women's lives ruined after divorce or becoming a widow is just sad & a product of our failure as a society.* 2 stars

*Pretentious Bono in a cowboy hat during one of U2's concert tours from the 80s. One where they're filming it in black & white. He's trying to get art street cred by having blues legend B.B. King join U2 on stage.* 2 stars

*B.B. King - I Need Some Help: performed on what looks like Austin City Limits. This time w/out Bono to ruin the performance.* 2 1/2 stars

*B.B. King - Lucille: Steve Martin, Dan Akroyd, the lovely Michelle Pfeiffer, & Eddie Murphy join B.B. for a quirky video.* close to 3 stars

*Robert Cray - Right Next Door: Rather subdued, sitting alone in an artsy room w/ flowing curtain window w/ bare minimum light shining through it, guitar solo video.* 2 1/2 stars

*Robert Cray - Nothing But a Woman: This video has Cray singing & 80s cartoon graphic sinterspliced w/ Cray & the band video fx. 80s MTV & Monty Python esque* 2 1/2 stars

*Albert Collins - The Trouble W/ Money: This looks like a 70s era performance on something like The Midnight Special. Collins is a haggard looking old school black dude who plays his guitar like he's making love to a woman.*

close to 3 stars

*Renee Taylor's "2" (1967 short comedy film): Parody of pretentious Eye-Talian cinema & modern people's pretentious self loathing in love affairs.*

close to 3 stars

*"Big Cheese & the Food Groupies" California Raisins style animated wholesome snack PSA w/ the characters singing in the fridge for some happy kids.* 2 1/2 weird stars

*Night Flight's Sci Fi Monsters video essay:

*Oingo Boingo - Weird Science: Interspliced w/ old clips of early 20th century films like "A Voyage to the Moon" or whatever it's called.* more than decent

*"We Have the Technology" interspliced w/ the electrocution scene from the 50s classic "Thing from Another World."* close to terrific

*The theme from Doctor Who interspliced w/ Doctor Who style robots & a stadium rock anthem by TimeLords.* 3 stars

*Kate Bush is a spooky banshee in "Experiment 4".* 3 stars

*"Ladies & gentleman, Elvis 1990" a Billy Idol look-a-like spliced w/ scenes of cyberpunk dystopias & Godzilla.* close to 3 stars

*Now a true Elvis look-a-like in outerspace singing "Video Babe" while flying saucers destroy Washington monuments.* 3 stars

*Herbie Hancock's 80s synthesizer classic spliced w/ scenes of early 20th century movie magic explorers encountering dangerous tribe people of the moon.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fishbone? in a weird sci video that ends in a nuclear explosion.*

could be terrific

*Night Flight's Never Coming Attractions:

*GI's go rocket riding in "Invasion of the Star Creatures": Super tall & sexy vixens from the stars encounter some dopey & short in stature army privates who they seduce & unleash kooky monsters upon.*

3 stars, I'd watch it, looks cheesy good.

*"Space Monster": 50s sci fi space adventure where the spaceships & planets are held up by string & the stars are holes pocked in a black canvas w/ light shining through. The alien monster is a humanoid w/ a large head, big ears, & a flickering tongue.* 2 1/2 stars

*Della's Diner, a West Michigan theater presentation of a kitschy diner complete w/ big haired waitresses & eccentric patrons. All presented by the local Grand Rapids tv station.* 2 1/2 stars

*Another "America Needs Me Drug Free" PSA featuring this time a black kid who wants to grow up to be like his black hero fighter pilot. He only got a t-shirt, no ride on the jet like the boy on the firetruck. I guess the Air Force said no. Darn. Do drugs!* 2 stars

*Night Flight's toon theater:

*Mouseferatu: Very well animated & sort of risque. When Mousey finds his intended victim, she's a very sexy pussycat sleeping in the nude. & despite all his rage, he's still just a rat in a cage when daylight comes to turn him to bones.* 3 stars

*Retro black & white clip of some ranch cows & a bull singing a country & western diddy.* 3 stars

*Promo for "Ghoulies 2" on Grand Rapids TV 8.* 3 stars

Following Night Flight on TV 8 is the syndicated cult classic "Dynaman" mock dubbed in English & parodying the already super-weird Japanese Power Rangers pre-cursor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Dog Police" *A nerd rock 80s weirdo band's lead singer takes his werewolf date to the night club where the trench coat "Untouchables" look-a-like "Dog Police" bust her for bestiality?* 3 stars

James Randi Debates Two Mediums & Psychiatrist Brian Weiss *Gay mustache & spirit aficionado James Van Praagh along w/ 20 questions for 20,000 gullible people champion John Edward bring a hack psychiatrist & author of a book about past lives to a debate w/ admitted cynic Randi. Which leads to Randi face palming & taking the whole thing about as serious as one would imagine. CNBC's half zombie half talk show host Charles Grodin seems to be hopeful about the psychic claims.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Feng Shui & Bottled Water *A refreshing arrangement sold at a bullshit price.* 3 stars

--- DinosaurDracula.com presents Creepy Commercials Countdown:

*ABC TGIF Monster Bash Weekend (1993): The Olsen twins host the Halloween edition of TGIF. When you're 11, you're definitely uncool enough to watch ABC on a Friday night. I still am uncool enough. Family Matters was the Breaking Bad of its era. Boy Meets World never appealed to me. Step By Step was okay. I remember most about it having the guy from the Kickboxer sequel. Hangin' With Mr. Cooper is lame when you think back on it, but it worked for the time. A "cool" middle school or junior high teacher who was down w/ the kids & played basketball. However, nothing about this particular promo is spooky or creepy enough. The 80s would have tried harder w/ the scary theme than the 90s seemed to.* 2 stars

*Real Ghostbusters Super Weapons (1990): Some kids take their awesome Nerf officially licensed Real Ghostbusters toy weapons of minor destruction & chase the poor dog around their spooky dark house. That's what I call fun animal abuse. *wink* 3 stars

*Predator 2 (1990) Movie Promo: I love the narrator's voice describing all of Predator's high tech weapons. Similar sounding voices noted all the high tech features of new cars at the time. It slipped my mind that Bill Paxton is in this movie. Of course everyone who has seen it will remember Danny Glover's manic, awesome performance, or Gary Busey being in it before he went completely off the deep end of eccentricity. But Bill Paxton was in both the Alien & the Predator sequels. That's cool.* 3 stars

*Coca-Cola Classic 'Dracula' (1992): A Bela Lugosi impersonator, in a striking visually black & white castle setting, scares a blonde victim from her sleep. Instead of putting up a cross, in defense, it's a juicy red Coca-Cola can. I guess Dracula's blood sugar was low, because he goes from pale to plump tan in seconds. He bites into the can sideways & slurps the syrupy soda. What coke addict hasn't imagined something similar? The ad end sbadly, however, as it approaches Twilight sparkly "vampire" territory when the spooky couple walk out the door into an animated Disney daytime cartoon scene complete w/ chirping love birds.* either 1 or 3 stars

*Highland Superstores 'Phantom of the Opera' (1989): The organ music from "The Phantom" is still unsettling after around a 100 years of it being in our nightmares. Dinosaur Dracula mentioned this, in his article, & it's true, "appliance stores are dreadfully dull." In the 80s, during the era of dull parents & dingy colors on everything including off white & putrid yellow fridges, microwaves, washers & dryers, & dishwashers. Some were even the same green color of The Creature from the Black Lagoon's bowel movements. If I were "The Phantom" I wouldn't dwell at Highland Superstores. If I were a disgruntled former manager of an appliance store, I wouldn't. Hell would seem happier.* 2 1/2 stars

----------------------------------------

Beavis & Butthead: Plasmatics - The Damned *"Explosions... half naked chicks. This video has something for everyone."*

3 plus stars w/ riffing 3 stars w/out

--- TV Carnage:

*Straight Body Builder Bio #1: "When in Rome do as the Romans do." The Romans did gay stuff in Rome. In Southern California, this feminine Rick James, on roids, can make delicious ancient Chinese herbal tea, draw comics of other buff fantasy masculine heroic figures, strum his string instrument, & play w/ his pooch on the beach.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Tell Me About It: The reporting from the red carpet premier of Legally Blonde is as dumb & inspid as imagined.* zero stars

*The Hump Day Return of Aids!: "Real men don't talk to their women about sex." Laughs. Huh. Huh. Starts humping potentially aids infected partner.*

2 1/2 stars

*Tom Arnold Stars In Long Lost Porn: Didn't know Tom was so patient & considerate to the half naked chicks he lets ride on the back of his Harley Davidson.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------

"The Last Dragon" (1985) *A midnight movie happening inside another midnight movie featuring kids from Soul Train. Also feels like Motown is making fun of MTV's Cindy Lauper & Madonna.* 3 stars

"Shotgun" (1989) *A buddy cop Lethal Weapon wannabe that's almost as awkward as Samurai Cop. There's a plot about a sicko torturing & killing hookers that's similar to Wings Hauser's "Vice Squad. "Then a finale that's a revenge gunfight south of the border that recalls 70s grindhouse classic "Rolling Thunder" but is more over the top like a Rambo sequel.* between 2 & 2 1/2

Cannon Films "Hospital Massacre" (1981) *Creepy fact: if you ever walk into a room & see someone crawling out a window, looking back w/ a devious smile on their face, know something horrible has happened in the room. Our scream queen, the gorgeous Barbi Benton, doesn't even realize she's being stalked by a slasher for over an hour of the movie. She thinks she's just being inconvenience by hospital procedure red tape & a screwed up test result. However, the kills are bloody good, the atmosphere is spooky, & there's even some black comedy.*

more than 2 1/2 stars or plus

"Video Wasteland Combilation" *Twinkle Twat, feminine deoderant spray. Baby upchuck doll. Punk singer w/ dry heaves. Way USA starring Tesco Vee. Aeon Flux. Tim Allen as Docu-Comic. Dawn of the Night of the Dead - The Musical. John Waters & Divine. West Germany Air Show Disaster. Vincent Price on the 64,000 Dollar Question. LSD-25. This Is Elvis's Birthday '92.* 2 1/2 stars

SCTV Monster Chiller Horror Theatre w/ Count Floyd: The House of Cats *Bored housecats "jumping" at the screen in 3D. Well, at least Count Floyd promises so. John Candy drugs women & turns them into his personal pussycats until they rebel or at least he has to act like they're clawing him, when they couldn't be bothered to even paw.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye: Sex *Bad aids vs. good aids, the mucking about homosexual scandal of her majesty's royal navy ,the debasement of an American politician, an asexual man up a pole watching pornography, beating off assailants, Peter Stringfellow, & a giant whore on the loose.* 3 stars

=== Geraldo Rivera: Hate Mongers (1988)

*Skinhead smackdown smashes Geraldo in the schnoz.* 1 infamous star (not of David)

[Note: Geraldo has always loved pouring fuel onto a fire. Not for justly reasons, either. Here it would appear so, to the people of the time period, but fast forward to today & Geraldo is standing among "Black Lives Matter" protestors & telling them that racism no longer exists in America.

Geraldo: race baiter, troublemaker, & obvious fraudulent media manipulator of any era he's in.]

(edit, years later:

I still think Geraldo is a douche, but I've woken up how much of an idiot I was for kind of casually being apathetic to & half way supporting groups like "Black Lives Matter."

I think most everyone has if they don't have "tribal" interests or are a "race blind" moron who'll be dragged into the streets while trying to high five a "friend" of color during a riot or "peaceful" protest someday & be treated to a beating similar to the one Reginald Denny received on CNN in LA in 92 after the Rodney King verdict?)

================================================================================

Mysteries From Beyond the Other Dominion w/ Franklin Ruehl *Eerie coincidences between the Kennedy & Lincoln assassinations. I like the true nerdiness of this early Sci-Fi Channel show. If it were a part of a nerd culture channel or website, today, it would have faux nerd hipsters ironically doing it & not the earnest weirdness of Ruehl & company.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Special Delivery: "The bitch, the bitch, the bitch," the female dog is having puppies.* 2 1/2 stars

*Something Big: "The first nude pop video" might "offend" as it warns, but the mostly tasteful nude images of big breasted women aren't as obscene as the Euro-sleaze leadsinger's crooning & 70s porno mustache.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Appointment... With Death: You'll never see Hawaii, if you keep smartin' off to the monotone voiced angel of death premonitions.* either 1 or 3 stars

*I'm A Spoon: Women of all body types used to search for that perfect fit, but eventually gave up to the potato sack look of sweatpants w/ sassy slogans on the ass.* 2 stars

*I Gotta Go!: When you get that feeling way down below. A sanitized version of the uh oh diarrhea song from Steve Martin's Parent Trap. There's no Barney the Dinosaur to help the toddlers & kids sing along & poop, but there's a chimp taking a shit (for giggles).* 3turds

----------------------------------

Grandpa Munster's SuperScarySaturday on TBS Superstation: King Kong vs. Godzilla the Debate *Since neither monster can talk, pro wrestling personalities, of the 80s, are doing the cheerleading. Motormouth evangelist look-a-like, w/ a tennis racket, Jim Cornette, preaches for Godzilla, says that his monster is younger than the "dying of old age" King Kong, and he can breathe fire. Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie wannabe Michael P.S. Hayes, standing up for his hairy hero, boasts that Kong can swat planes while still holding onto a babe. I call it a tie. So, would any other fan of both monsters.* 3 stars

--- Occult Demon Cassette Presents: "Exposing the Satanic Web" 1990 (Satanic Panic VHS)

*Yesterday Satanism, today radical Islam, tomorrow extraterrestrial orgasms?

Who knows what the future holds, but the religious right will most likely be there to spread their brand of disinformation.

People really couldn't tell that the crayon drawings of occult rituals were done by adults w/ agendas?

Motley Crue images pop up constantly in these old scare films.

Motley Crue obviously weren't a threat to America's teenagers. They're now bloated white trash rock has-beens trying to get their near elderly groupies to still flash their saggy tits!

Those women didn't end up sacrifices of the devil. They probably had about five dirty young'uns that never got sacrificed either, 'cause Satanic Panic was just that panic that meant nothing.

Nerdy teens who played Dungeons & Dragons didn't role play murder half the parent population in the U.S. No, they're still harmless adult nerds.

The reformed high-priest of Satanism turned Christian now confessing his former dark powers & deeds.

Is it okay that he claims to have committed horrible acts because he's asked for forgiveness from God?

Shouldn't he be in jail? That's proof that he's full of shit. That all of the scare-mongers of these videos are full of shit, & have taken a simple fantasy game, a rebellious youth music that they don't enjoy or understand, & victimless boredom in juvenile property crime through graffiti & tried to turn it into a scare tactic tool to push people fearfully into the arms of the major cult in America, the Christian religions.

Satan obviously wasn't as savvy as these evangelicals who still have the ear of their cult, after all these years, while Motley Crue & Freddy Krueger are no longer being fed virgins at the altar of willing black magic fiends & disturbed teenagers.*

(edit, years later:

Man listen to me. Full on liberal apathy & cynicism disguised as trying to be clever.

I still slightly chuckle at the hysteria of the 80s Satanic Panic.

but to believe Islam isn't an obvious threat to the west is to be in denial or downright actually evil... no hysteria. but truth.

the type of person I was then would rather ignore the truth, & claim it was islamophobia delusion while looking at hipster blogs like dangerousmindsdotnet for the latestdug up piece of pop culture from a bygone era to be mocked

then getting my "news" from the Daily Show w/ it's highly cut & edited slant leaning the views towards an agenda while claiming bias everywhere else & only everwhere else...

I can't say I ever saw any metal heads hold a Satanic animal sacrifice orgy, but I have seen real life footage of hordes of muslims flooding Europe & the after effects in the news

hard evidence of rapes, terrorist bombings / shootings / stabbings / hackings / huge vehicle homicide of dozens / beheadings / literal fucking jihad...

not scaremongering, you blind hipster dope (me, several years ago) but all out war on the civilization that once provided your shits & giggles & safety shelter to enjoy them in w/out getting gutted for being an infidel)

1 star

=======================================================

People Are Talking w/ Tom Bergeron: James Randi Debunks Faith Healer (youtube) *Tom Bergeron sits looking at clips of extremely funny faith healings. One in particular where a fake had played the role of both a crippled man & a woman w/ bad ovaries. This could be America's Funniest Home videos, but sadly Randi points out that the placebo effect of these dramatically staged acts do harm when the believers don't seek real medical help from actual doctors instead of faith healers.* 3 stars

City Confidential: Rock Springs, Deadly Shootout in the Wild West *"Cowboy Caligula."* more than 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Past Tense *Amnesia love affairs, brainwashed agents of assassination, & chance collisions of the heavens. Plays like something noir that would be in Frank Miller's Sin City.* close to 3

Forever Knight: Cherry Blossoms *Vampire detective versus Chinese mafia seeking to slay a wounded witness. Wrongly accused vampire versus elderly Chinese acupuncturist seeking revenge against the vampire who slayed his mother 60 years before.*

between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Best Desk Scenario *Fumbling the ball near the endzone or too many cooks trying to read the anarchist's cookbook.* 2 1/2 stars

Look Around You: Computers *In Bournesmouth, one can bibble or bobble if they're beardless or bearded, but not if they're brandishing a petticoat (female).* close to 3 stars

The Prisoner: Hammer Into Anvil *Creates an unhinged melody.* 3 stars

Farscape: Bone To Be Wild *The old routine of one "submarine" silently hiding from another's radar. Deepspace Donner Party bone eater massacre. Johnny Appleseed "Frankenstein's Monster" look-a-like or Swamp Thing stranded on an asteroid. Our hero Crichton needs to be sensitive to "plant phobia." The spiritual blue alien lady Zan (Xan?) is actually a sentient plant. Captain Ahab under scrutiny. Babysitting a weaponized junior Leviathan (a Death Star in a diaper).* 3 stars

---- Night Visions w/ Henry Rollins:

The Passenger List: A little twilight zone twist & a lot of 9-11 era zeitgeist of airline tragedy grief.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

The Bokor: Bayou medical school morphine junkies, grotesque medical cadaver, & a voodoo curse.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Rollins: Puts on a stale attempt at Rod Serling.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

------------------------------------

Uncharted Zone: Fifty Dollar Boots - Johnny Fire *50 dollar budget quality black & white video for a rockabilly crooner & his 50 dollar boot wearing chick guitar player.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Jennifer Tryin - Happier *Gen X drug store despair, Beavis taking diarrhea medicine & pooping a brick that he keeps in his sock drawer, & Butthead wanting to live in denial that he ever heard Beavis talk about it.* 3 stars w/ riffing close to 2 1/2 stars w/out

Justified: Season 1 Episode 6 *"There's more than smart" & there's more than art. Especially Adolf Hitler's shitty art. It's a nebulous or abstract concept.* close to 3 stars

True Detective: Haunted Houses *Still life. Nearer to silence (unholy ghosts) than God.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Trou Normand *Losing time opening doors, unearthing graves, & making monuments to the desecrated.* 3 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Talking to the Dead & ESP *Party tricks & charades for suckers & the sad.* 3 stars

James Randi's Fiery Takedown of a Psychic Fraud *An admitted wizard takes a lethal overdose of homeopathic medicine to prove a cruel farce.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not! w/ Jack Palance: Episode 3 (1985) *Giant 1980s supercomputers are used to photoshop the Tibetan god-king out of Shangri La, like an impractical automotive 5th wheel or discarded apple peel (peeled by an Edison style mass industrial invention), & placed, by 2001 Hal's robo-cousin, out into the sun to purify like a baby orangutan or an eskimo mummy. Also pre-CitySlickers Curly's gold* 2 Fair

Fargo: Buridan's Ass *Breach in a white out or bludgeoned like fish out of water.* 3 stars

"XTRO" (1983) *A deeply disturbed British schoolboy's estranged daddy returns from his absentee fatherhood vacation on H.R. Geiger's homeworld after traumatizing the boy w/ his "Fire in the Sky" style abrupt bon voyage goodbye. Often tonally too whimsical to be taken seriously, while at other times being astonishingly creepy.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars or more

Tales from the Crypt: The Reluctant Vampire *Mr. Longtooth (Malcom McDowell) isn't a glamourous Dracula. He's a cowardly nightwatchman at a failing blood bank. Can he win the heart of his mousey love interest, at the blood bank, w/out biting her neck? Will he find the courage to stand up to his bully of a boss (Cheers' George Wendt) or will he fall prey to a weird looking Van Helsing?* Decent

"Saturday Night Dead" KYW-TV 3 Philadelphia (February 1, 1986) *"The maddening minx of movie-dom" Stella, a redheaded Rhonda Shear look-a-like glamour doll, traipses around her ghoulish horror set kiddingly admitting to bedding, on her monster talking bed, the Philadelphia Eagles football team. She is in dire need of a butler & wants him to be as hunky as Sylvester Stallone's Rambo. Looks like Philly had a pretty decent version of Elvira or Rhonda. Not bad.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Waxwork

*Drive-In Totals: 43 dead bodies.... 0 nekkid breasts (sorry).. 1 Live severed hand.. .African Voodoo Face Painting.. French S & M.. Fang Sprouting.. Bat Shooting.. Raw Meat Gobbling.. Sword Fighting.. Strangling.. Stabbing.. Head Butting.. Ax to the Back... Death by Fire.. Gratuitous Dialogue w/ Loud Music.. Werewolf Fu.. Vampire Fu.. Mummy Fu.. Zombie Fu.. Senior Citizen Fu..

*Joe Bob says this isn't a haunted house movie, it's a "nasty" house movie, like his grandma would always say, "That's nasty!"

*Burt Reynolds for Liz Taylor perfume (Ladies, don't wear anything that gives Burt a smell boner).

*Songs 4 Life Christian mix CD (90s, the era that bland white people safe religious music w/out any gospel soul or passion reared its dorky head).

*CNN has Bill Clinton's sworn testimony in the shadow of impeachment (ah, the Lewinsky era, we survived that.).

*Rent Matthew MuhConUhHey! & Skeet Ulrich, tonight! (not male escorts. a shitty VhS tape of the movie "Newton Boys").

*Pure Reggae mix cd 1-800 ad (A island jam collection featuring the theme to Cops "Bad Boys" plus Apache Indian's "Boom Shakalak"... pass the herb & turn it up, mon!).

*Joe Bob's Jailbreak w/ Reno the Mail Girl: Talk of Joe Bob's jealousy because Reno might have dated / made love to a midget instead of Joe Bob & also Reno gets a love poem from a jailbird in a Mojave prison unit in Arizona.*

*Carpenters Love Songs mix cd ad. Being a kid in the 80s & 90s, & not an adult in the 70s, I only had vague knowledge of who Karen Carpenter was & that she had died tragically young. Anytime, I would see these ads w/ their hazy cloud aesthetics along w/ faded quality videos of Karen singing her mostly melancholy songs, I would get the creeps.*

*Waxwork: Remember 2011's "Cabin in the Woods"?... Well, Joss Whedon's "genius" turning of a monster/slasher movie conventions on its head script wasn't that original. In the 80s, somebody else did it first. This monster mayhem flick, featuring almost every creature & horror character known, is set in a wax museum instead of a cabin in the woods. Starring the teenage boys from Gremlins & Twin Peaks plus Return of the Living Dead 2 along with their 80s valley girl girlfriends. The main villain is legendary not so good movie & tv show actor David Warner (the movies/shows not being so good. Warner is always great).*

between 2 & 2 1/2 stars for Waxwork, more than 2 1/2 for Joe Bob, & close to 2 for the ads

----------------------------------------------------

TNT 100% Weird: The Twonky *"Whenever I think of women, I think of French fried potatoes." A very nervous man's wife leaves town, gifting him his first television set to keep him company. This is when tv's were brand new & confusing to man. It didn't help that this particular tv was unlike any other in that it could work the magic of a genie or a futuristic robot.* close to 3 stars

Wizards & Warriors: The Dungeon of Death *"Badgers, we don't need no stinkin' badgers." What we got is a ragtag rescue squad of a Renaissance fair Clint Eastwood type, a carnival strong man, a high wire walking hottie, & one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. Trouble is there's a mole.* close to 3 stars

--- Sci Fi Channel (1993) Feature Film: The Clone Master

*A pair of alien hands find a time capsule buried in the sand. The date says 1993. Inside is a bottle of head & shoulders. Our great legacy, dandruff shampoo...

*95 cents a minute hotline to find out what's coming up on the Sci Fi channel's schedule? Wow, wouldn't a 99 cent, one time purchase, TV Guide not suffice? That's phone sex level of horny to know when the next episode of the original Star Trek is airing.

*Sci Fi had great station bumpers. I'll try to describe this one... it has a picturesque set lakehouse w/ the phone off the receiver "hello, are you there?" & geese flying against a newly alien earth skyline featuring a ring planet between earth & the moon.

*Extremely nerdy voice over "Emmy Award winning Battlestar Galactica, weeknights."

*Beatles Live 1964 in London for the first time on VHS or BETA

*Curly haired cute model "All those holes. All that protection." Science strikes again. Always Maxi Pads w/ new technology. New as in holes. I have a hole in my soul from all the sanitary napkin girly confessional commercials that I've had to endure all my life.

*A generic couple enjoy a generic romantic evening over generic pasta & generic white wine while listening to "Easy 70's" a generic mix cd of 70s soft rock like Crystal Gale & Kenny Loggins among others. He leaves w/out sex. Because this type of music makes one sterile.

*Vintage ad for Craftmatic adjustable beds. The old couple is giddy to talk to their over the phone Craftmatic salesperson. I'm giddy too for my memories of these ads. though the actual beds were usually in the homes of some sick acquaintance of my parents&grandparents

*"Never miss another favorite program." VCR Voice, the voice operated vcr remote control. Pssss... VCR Voice... record Skinemax & those early morning workout shows w/ the ladies in spandex....

*Smokey the Bear is talked about by a kid who makes him seem almost mythical. Maybe in 3,000 years, when our culture is long forgotten & misunderstood, they'll find something about Smokey the Bear & wonder what the fuck was up w/ us having a cartoon bear to warn humans about forest fire safety & natural resource preservation responsibility.

*"Can dinosaur cloning really happen? The truth behind the fiction." A Sci Fi special on Jurassic Park. It can & did, but tune in to Alex Jones InFoWars or Jesse Ventura's new show on Glen Beck's Blaze channel to find out.

*"Dark Shadows" weekdays on Sci Fi. Now, that's a weekday soap opera that I would sink my teeth in to. Someone get me my Bon Bons & my Moo Moo...

*1 800 ad for Sci Fi Classic home video's "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."

*Back on earth, Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons on every music listening format known to man. That's as advanced as we are....

*Speaking of identical twins & cloning... Elvis, in his 68 Comeback Special, decked out in his black leather spacesuit... Get a collector's copy. Copy... wink wink. Elvis, often imitated, never duplicated except in utero or however it go...

*Classic kitchen knife displays of incredible feats by the World Class Ginsu knife. Showoff All the other dull culinary utensils got Ginsu off & murdered him & buried his stainless steel body under the goal post in Food Network's Iron Chef Kitchen Stadium.

*Walter Koenig for a huge collection of Star Trek (Original & Next Generation) themes,sound fx, & a 6 minute bridge sequence. Sound fx, okay... maybe... a 6 minute bridge sequence... alright, I can sort of see that... still, it's nerdom bordering insanity.

*K-Tel Conway Twitty videos. Not the right station. Not as much as Sci Fi isn't a rhinestone sequened audience as it's not an audience where they can relate to a hillbilly heart-throb's songs about sleeping w/ a horde of women. Live long & amorously prosperous.

*"The majesty & might of Marvel leaps off of the page & onto the screen" shows clips of 70s Hulk tv show & one of the 70s Spider Man tv movies. Modern Marvel fanboys would scoff at the words majesty & might being used for these classics. "They don't even have after credits sequences or universe building." They do have Stan Lee hosting the Mighty Marvel Marathon on Sci Fi 1993. Sixteen years before Iron Man....

*Clone Master: It's a good clone movie when the existential grief of being a clone does not fully get in the way of the clone capers, clone antics, & clone based comedy. Also, Cold War era conpirators could get away w/ a lot thanks to government secrecy not allowing anyone to share information to know what the hell was going on in different sections of all their hush hush top secret work like cloning.*

3 stars for Sci Fi's bumpers, close to 3 for the ads, & 2 1/2 stars for Clone Master

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Mystery Science Theater 3000: The She Creature *Kooky age regression hypnotism to spook squares & Eve-era mer-monster to slaughter them.* 3 stars w/ riffing 2 1/2 stars w/out

Nathan On Your Side: Talking to the Animals *non-confrontational dialogue w/ bed wetting cat.* more than 2 stars

The Cinema Snob: Woodchipper Massacre *No Fargo woodchipper action. No massacre. More terrible like Poland invaded by Hitler, only w/out any of that massacre. Just the terrible.* 2 1/2 for Snob

Conan O'Brien - In the Year 2000: Taco Bell 2000 *A "chilling" glimpse into the prophecy of Charmin toilet paper's involvement w/ the bowel dooming food chain.* 3 stars

A & E presents An Evening at the Improv: Norm MacDonald (1991) *Homeless dog owners & backseat blues.* close to 3 stars

HBO Not Necessarily the News: The Spork Episode (1983) *Mr. T. imporium. Panda pest control. Des Moines pudding disaster. Light beer for fat drunks. Rich Hall's weekly sniglet words: scrit is anything that has sat in the same spot for 50 years... yinkel is anybody that combs their hair over their bald spot thinking that nobody will notice... spork the combination spoon fork device (did he invent that term? wow, cool, if so)... furbling is the act of walking through a maze of ropes at the airport or bank even though you're the only one in line (haaa)... porkus non grata is the squashed piece of bacon at the bottom of the package.. lactomangulation is having to open a milkcarton from the opposite side because of one side's malfunction.. carperpetuation is the act of running over a piece of string w/ a vacuum 4 or 5 times before picking it up & inspecting it & then putting it back down for one last attempt.*

decent though dated

"Best of the Worst Star Search Auditions" (youtube) *"Let me do my thang to ya!" You'd never see a bearded lady singing Patsy Cline on America's Got Talent.* 3 stars

Insomniac w/ Dave Attell: San Francisco *If you come to this frontier town, eventually you're gonna ask yourself "am I a fog rider, a pickle pilot, or a proud baby mudfoot?"* 3 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Cranial Deformity Dance Dad: I'm tired of spaghetti. But you always like sketti.* 3 stars

*Clinton Torture: Bill's bubbles is just tryna give you kisses.* 2 1/2 stars

*I'm On The T.V.: Been waitin' for you to turn me on.* more than 2 1/2 stars

*Rap 4 Ca$h: A school teacher, of 25 years, will do anything for a raise.* 1 star

*Island Of Original Ideas Mirror Effect: an idiot's idea of an interesting illusion.* folly

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Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Creationism & The Bible, Fact or Fiction *Pissing on one's own feet while the ground crumbles beneath forming a crater of disbelief. Leaving one in critical need & clinging to the causal or a creed.* Folly?

James Randi Debunks An Astrologer *"Everybody believes that they have a sense of humor." - Stephen Fry who doesn't believe that the astrologer accurately judged his friend Hugh Laurie.* close to decent

Forbidden Transmission: World Bizarre *freewheeling babel.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Weird TV: Burning Man - Early Years *Survival issues, sexuality, porta potty use, & potato gun fun.*

between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

"Dawn of the Mummy" *Classic Universal horror theme grave robbed by Euro-sleaze exploitation schlock vandals.* 2 1/2 stars

PBS presents American Experience: The Lobotomist *"Ambition makes you look pretty ugly." -Paranoid Android- A look at the doctor who tried to turn a grotesque medical procedure into a McDonald's style franchise value menu item forthe severe to the even the slightly mentally ill.* either zero or 3 stars

Alien Sex Fiend - "Now, I'm Feeling Zombiefied" *Face is caked white, you see a dead rat & you take a bite...* 2 1/2 stars

"You Spin Me Round" (Literal video version) *Freaky pirate all tied up (in himself).* close to 3 for the literal 3 for the actual

Uncharted Zone: "Hurry, There's A Hurricane" - Ken Manning *Hold on to your hats & to each other.* close to 3 stars

--- Reel Wild Cinema w/ Sandra Bernhard: Lunatics on the Loose:

*Sandra wants to go to third base w/ Antonio Banderas, her Aztec fantasy...

*Curse of the Aztec Mummy: Beehive hairdo damsels in distress, rubber bat attack, crotch crawling spider, & hideous ghoul doing the rigor-mortis-arms trance step dance*

*Sandra promises a movie with bad dubbing, coming up, "So don't go away." For the bad dubbing, I'll definitely stay.

*America's Most Wanted & Top Cops on USA network. A one two punch of justice & dullness.

*A soccer ball toting toddler wakes his middle aged dad up & his dad needs a small pouch sized doze of Folgers coffee. I bet this man can't even take a morning shit in peace.

*A disembodied red lipsticked mouth for Rembrandt whitening toothpaste. "2 shades whiter" promised. All the varying shades of teeth color from white to off white to yellow to grey to diseased orangish brown to black... Amusing memory of Mitch Hedberg's tartar sauce joke

*The Psychic Solution w/ a very self aware ad where they parody "bad psychic" hotline call centers complete w/ dart board for predictions & vanity mirror distractions during calls.

*Sandra now promises stock Civil War footage w/ clips from a nudist colony. Robert E. Lee is rolling over in his grave in his slave mistress's underwear that he demanded to be buried in.

*The Monster of Camp Sunshine: Thank that "scientist in the sky" for water pollution & sexual deviancy.*

*Quirky-reggae-whitebread-feelin' Long John Silver fast food joint on the beach commercial where there are tropical birds inside the establishment (sure the health inspector likes that notion) & couples relax in the waves drinking supersized sodas in foam cups (I bet those don't get put in the proper trash bin & instead float about the waves onto the beach)

*Crocodile Dundee vs. Ogre of Revenge of the Nerds & Bloodsport in a station wagon chase....

*Kenny Kingston "legendary psychic" & sleazy old school Hollywood showman look-a-like w/ love advice for lonely yuppies who go through everyday being horny & instead of acting on it & taking chances they wait for over the phone voodoo advice...

*Dweezil Zappa is Sandra's guest: Not sure if it's his rainbow colored girly liquor drink talking but Dweezil let it slip that he might believe that Aztec civlization dates back at least a million years....

*Sandra wants t.v. trying to scare people instead of always endearing itself to them.

*Bloody Pit of Horror: More tortured by the swingers he performs medieval cruelty upon, the Crimson Executioner gets caught up in his own scarlet devices.*

*A crystal ball gazing clairvoyant, w/ pink hair, predicts that Snoop Doggy Dog, Bush, & Dennis Miller will be at the 1996 MTV Video Awards. Pumpkins will also be smashed.

*USA capitalizes on the Unabomber headlines w/ their own original movie version...

*Sandra would have no sympathy for a girlfriend caught in a devious bondage trap...

*Oath of Green Blood: Audience participation required in taking a vial of verdant liquid that might make one vile or vivacious.

*Star Trek's original resident black boundaries breaker is sadly selling her soul as a spokesperson for a psychic hotline. This one even makes the claim that's often been used as a joke against psychics "Lottery winner predicted." Yep, "it happened."

*Coming attractions: Scream of the Demon Lover... Giant from the Unknown (awakened after hundreds of years & wearing conquistador armor. so, it's the Spanish to blame)... The Crawling Thing from Planet 13 promises to attack audience members (nice gimmick ploy)...

3 for Sandra, 3 for the shorts, & close to 2 for the ads

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"Sting of Death" -1965- *The Hunchback of the Everglades suffers a squelching at the hands of Florida Gator co-ed swingers & marine scientists. He goes all man-o-war on their jiggly jellyfish jive asses.* 2 stars

Baywatch Nights: Pursuit *Stinks of 90s sleaze/cheese. Says "Nights" but can't help in filming over half the show on the pretty beaches during the day. Featuring a couple of my boyhood tv crushes, Carol Alt & Angie Harmon.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Varga - "Greed" *Beavis has the great idea that someone should invent something to watch music videos on (a television). Butthead's great idea is Beavis should shut up.* 3 w/riffing 2 1/2 w/out

Troma presents "Blondes Have More Guns" *Basic Instinct parodies haven't aged well, but Troma satire silliness is timeless.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: The Business of Love, Yoga, Tantric Sex, Etc. & Sex, Sex, Sex *Follow made up rules, follow hokey signs, follow shady email-spam links, & fuck if any of it happens to work.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Video Dating: Looking for a goddess. A goddess is a woman, any woman, all women. No fatties!* 3 stars

*Sexual Harassment Comedy: Don't say anything, ever, because you're an obvious dickhead.* 1 star or close to 3

*Courtship vs. Dating: Don't get hung up on sweaty beefcakes. Acquire the fire to be a hard to get Christian cock-tease.* 2 1/2 stars

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David Hasselhoff - "Hooked On A Feeling" (Literal Video Version) *Hoff w/ "wiener" out & high on believing. "Please throw a fish at me!"* more than decent w/riffing or close to decent w/out

Nathan On Your Side: Sex In Advertising & Penis Extension *What turns you on? Please tell Santa so that we can market correctly.*

2 1/2 stars

Occult Demon Cassette presents "How To Be Cool At Parties" w/ Malcom Jamal Warner (1986) *Anybody can act like a jackass.* 2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's Playhouse - Adult Humor & Innuendo (youtube) *Being a Spring chicken, I wasn't spry enough to see just how subliminal Saturday mornings really were.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People *Smuckers presents movies

A) Redneck poachers run into 'The Thing From Another World' B) Lil' Opie & his new pet Alf... or C) Ace of Base's tragic vacation in the Catskill Mtns. Joel says "It stinks! *okay hand gesture*"*

3 stars w/riffing between 1 1/2 & 2 w/out

Herman's Head (Pilot Episode) *Clever premise pulled off effectively. Made even better by the voice of Lisa Simpson & another Simpsons' legend Hank Azaria's charm.* close to 3 stars

Comics Only: Employee of the Week - Hank Gallo (1990) *Talent scout who searches the gay leather bar scene.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Rachel Sweet - The Sweet Life (The Comedy Channel circa the early 1990s):

*Lou Diamond Phillips makes fun of greasy haired Johnny Depp

*Jon Stewart impersonates a pretentious French director

*Rachel Sweet is a quirky raven-haired petite cutey poking fun at the Cosmo magazine's version of a girly girl

*Naked centerfold spread of David Hasselhoff is mocked by Rachel...

*Classic "Cow Cow Boogie" film short, that I just saw on Night Flight, is sang along to karaoke style by Rachel... she's definitely sweet

*Quotes: An unexamined life is not worth living - Plato... Time eases all things -Sophocles Get over it - Rachel Sweet... (cute)

more than 2 stars

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