#unfortunately did not achieve my goal of finishing the drawings by new year lol. got distracted by video games

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

[kristallioness]

2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019

*arrives a month late*... Happy 2021 to all of you, my dear followers! *raises a glass* It seems that my tendency to finish my artwork or personal posts on time has only gotten worse over time (I blame work *lol*). Oh well, better late than never, since there are things I would still like to take with me from this extraordinary year of 2020.

It is cringeworthy that I have two huge red X-s this year. But after I'd put these puzzle pieces together, I remembered far too well what was going on in my (work) life at the time, so it's completely understandable why I didn't have the time nor the energy to draw at all during those two months.

What were those typical statistics that I wrote about again to compare the years? *goes to read last year's post*.. Oh, right! In 2020, I managed to finish 3 full digital drawings (from the months of April, July and December) as well as work on several sketches. I wrote 28,154 words worth of fanfiction (oohh, that's a lot better than previous year), plus 3,126 words in English (I dare say I wrote an equal amount in Estonian) for the prompts I got during UYLD (making the total 31,280 words, which is quite impressive!).

I finished reading the 1st Kyoshi novel in the evening of the 20th and slightly past midnight on the 21st December (barely before the holidays, but I set this goal for myself and I did it!). Am already looking forward to starting with the 2nd part some time this year. Besides that, I ordered and received all the other new Avatar books that came out (3rd part of "Ruins of the Empire", "Katara and the Pirate's Silver", "Legacy of the Fire Nation") as well as BOTH Avatar series DVD sets (I still can't believe I found these on sale on some random online store in Estonia, but these are now among my most prized possessions!).

I finally started my Avatar rewatch last January, but merely got to the Ba Sing Se episodes in Book 2 (I need to continue with "The Earth King") and now it's been 5 YEARS since I last saw Korra. Reading through my journal personal posts from last year, I know far too well that it's not about rushing through it as fast as possible. Instead, I should enjoy the ride and continue watching the episodes when I'm well rested and in the right mood. That way I'll end up feeling much more at peace.

As for the entire year as a whole? I don't think anyone in this world of ours was prepared for the way this decade would begin - with an uncontrollable pandemic, the virus of which is randomly attacking and threatening to wipe out the weakest amongst us. If any of you (or even if you know someone who) have lost a loved one to this plague, there is not much else I can offer but my sincerest condolences! Me, my family, friends and colleagues seem to have managed to avoid catching it so far. *spits 3 x over her shoulder*

I had such high hopes for this year in so many ways. Event-wise I was looking forward to watching the Eurovision Song Contest in May (where Uku Suviste was supposed to represent Estonia for the 1st time ever after so many unfortunate failures to get selected as the winner of our local competition), the European Football Championships in June (asking my colleagues which countries they support, perhaps make fun bets / guesses with them to see whose team would win the matches), the Tokyo Olympic Games in July-August, the President of Estonia (Mrs. Kersti Kaljulaid) coming to visit my hometown to celebrate our Victory Day by taking part in the parade together with the Defence Forces (after 15 years *sigh*)...

I will always remember my last big event, which took place when life used to be "normal", so to say. It was the 102nd anniversary of Estonia on the 24th of February, when I took part of all the most important celebrations in Tallinn on our Independence Day, FULL-TIME (whenever I scroll through my Facebook timeline, I see the photos I uploaded of that day, my heart melts and I smile fondly). But the day after that.. utter hell broke loose. We had our first infected person in the country.

I will also remember the last day I went to work in "normal" conditions. Friday, the 13th of March (typically my lucky day-number combination): I missed the tram I wanted to get on in the morning, at work my team received great news that one of our colleague's family had grown bigger by a new tiny member the day before, we had our last team lunch together, we discussed the safety measures that we should take and joked about what might happen next week, I took the bus home instead of the tram (as the tram's route came from the airport and that place was considered to be more dangerous and with a higher risk of catching this virus).. It was another 2.5 weeks later by then (since the 25th of February) - Estonia (along with the rest of Europe) went into full lockdown.

The beginning was frightening and people were on edge, nobody really knew what to do nor what was gonna happen next. But in time, things began to shake into place and everybody developed a comfortable routine for remote work, including figuring out how to get everyday things done (such as grocery shopping). I found solace in taking photographs of various beautiful bird species, who began to fly around and serenaded me during spring, visiting the trees around my "nest" i.e. rented apartment (with a pair of them ACTUALLY building a nest in the chestnut tree right beside my window, thus turning me into a protective godmother of their chicks).

To be honest, I was awestruck by the positive / surprising aftermath of this lockdown: how the world / environment began to heal itself from the pollution that was normally caused by humans. I was taken aback by how dead silent our usually loud capital became in my neighbourhood (I could only hear trams passing by my house according to their schedules, practically no cars whatsoever, streets were empty of people.. absolute silence).

By May-June, things started to look up in Estonia (as well as the rest of Europe) and people were allowed to start travelling / moving around more freely. During my vacation in July, I managed to go to my last (open air) event (for the rest of the year) under these new "corona" conditions and ended up having a blast at the Open Farm Days in my home county for the first time.

Our country's shining moment came during the first week of September, when we hosted the first ever Rally Estonia of the World Rally Championship (WRC), where our very own Ott Tänak and Martin Järveoja won. The event was so well organized and successful that nobody caught the virus nor did the spectators / participants spread it to others, which surely must've helped in ensuring us a spot in the WRC calendar for 2021 as well.

The remainder of the year was rather dull, with the exception of the US Presidential elections in November, when we were all holding our breaths that Joe Biden would win (congratulations, my American friends!). This eventually led to the painful downfall of THE WORST government the Republic of Estonia has ever had, and to the rise of our first female Prime Minister, Kaja Kallas (both happening in January 2021, I couldn't believe it all spiralled so soon, ha-ha!).

Anyways, during the last 4 months, work was very stressful and driving me nuts, so badly that when I eventually went on vacation before Christmas, I had a slight anxiety disorder that wouldn't let me relax for several days (luckily it went away just as quickly once I began to take it easy and managed to get some proper rest / sleep).

In hindsight, I kind of get this weird feeling as if I saw this whole thing coming, given how actively I was living my life throughout 2019. My final year of the 2010's was so full of important events and personal achievements. It's almost as if something mysterious inside was driving me, telling me to visit all the places and do all the things I wanted to do, cause I wouldn't have this sort of a chance again for a very long time.

This must be the main reason why I am thankful for 2020 for going the way it did. Sure, I'm disappointed that a lot of events were cancelled, that so many people have had to leave this world so soon due to this unpredictable disease.. But I think there are so many lessons to take from what came out of all of this. I believe the world needed some sort of a restart or break, given in what direction we were headed (politically, economically, environmentally, socially etc.). I'm just sorry it's had to come with such a high price of innocent lives.

I have even higher hopes for 2021, given how amazingly January has already passed for me and my country, and what is to come in my hometown in February. Let's take the lessons learned from 2020 with us and keep on heading back towards the "normal" lifestyle we used to know. Except this time, let's improve our ways, put all the hatred behind us, be more considerate, keep a distance, stay safe, but still try to make the world a better place for everyone. Thank you so much for reading, for remaining by my side, and for your support and love throughout the years, my friends! I hope to see you all alive and healthy at the end of the white metal ox year of 2021! *virtual hugs*

[divinationcentral]

Journal.

I have learned one thing in my life: that people will let you down. 

If you cannot learn to trust yourself, life will become very hard...

That includes trusting your own decisions good or bad; vice-versa: good & bad lol... 

We have to learn, in life, that mistakes are reversible. That bad plans can be turned into experiences that teach us what good or better plans are, and what they look like as they reflect in our lives. 

We don’t just give up because we want to, despite how bad we want to. 

Perseverance is an art that has not yet matured to its full potential within me...I find myself defeating my own progress, almost daily, if I can be honest. 

My habits aren’t constructive. Nothing I do from the moment I get up from when I go to sleep is helpful: I don’t sleep on time, I don’t wake up and eat breakfast or at least have something to drink...Nope. I stay up past a time that I’m supposed to go to sleep, knowing full well that if I sleep, it’s going to provide me the adequate amount of sleep I need to wake up refreshed the next day to do things... 

I wake up literally minutes before I have to roll over onto my desk and work. 

Did I have time to use the restroom? Nope. Did I have time to kiss my pet Hermes (she’s a birb) in the morning? Nope. Did I make myself breakfast, go over my emails, or even CHECK my personal Email for any good news? 

NOPE. I woke up, essentially started my day late, woke up starving and feeling sick to my stomach, and just plunged into the day. 

Did I finish it? Yes. Was it to the best of my abilities? No. 

I am not, and I don’t let myself be at full capacity. 

So...in other words: I have not seen who I am when I am at full potential. 

Often I have thought I needed help. And I did. I remember being in a place in my life not too long ago where I needed a crisis intervention (back in September of 2019). 

I couldn’t eat properly, I wouldn’t even function through varying day-to-day tasks...Like sleeping, brushing my teeth, even showering was a huge monumental achievement (and it would hurt, my body was sensitive to everything, touch, rest, lack of sleep, exercise, food...). I couldn’t hold a job down, because my anxiety would cause me to break down on a daily basis, crying and freaking out about work loads or people making fun of me. 

I had traumatic experiences like losing my job and my boss threatening me. I injured my knee and had surgery and was jobless for 6 months before I could start the road to financial recovery... 

In that time, if you’re wondering, what did I do to remedy any of this? 

Well - I scrambled. A lot. I sold personal items to make up money I didn’t have for bills I needed to pay off. I had to find my own attorney to help me with a stupid worker’s compensation case I didn’t want to see through but now have to (yes, I am currently still in the thick of it, and that was back in 2019)…I jumped from customer service job to customer service job because I had to (and I still have a customer service role, that pays okay, but doesn’t exactly let me live the life I wanted), and I tried getting help for my mental instability by joining mental health programs and seeing various clinicians and therapists. 

I jumped from agency to agency before someone hired me. And before I could even consider a job, I had to go through educating myself and gaining a certificate to seem viable to any of these companies (that was while I was jobless and getting medical help for my knee injury). 

In that time I was still trying to heal my injury, and was going from medical facility to medical facility trying to get it to a point where I could have surgery (this took nine months of absolute torture dealing with the insurance company that wouldn’t take responsibility for my injury). 

I kept meeting really unstable people who pretended to be my friends to get what they wanted out of me (which was made only very clear when they decided I was all used up for what they needed me to do: which was be an emotional punching bag of sorts, but offer absolutely no commitment or support to me when I needed it - mind you: I was DISABLED physically, emotionally, AND even financially, and I STILL found it in me to help these people - I wasted my time, my money, my resources, my stability, and not at one point did they go: I am so much better off, this person actually needs me, not the other way around). 

Why did I entertain these people? 

I was so fucking lonely. I had lost all my friends that I had for years because they were terrible for me, and I terrible for them.  I spent the loneliest years of my life not talking to ANYBODY. Being in a laborious job that I felt so worthless doing for five/six years. I developed zero social skills, and I feared everybody. I got myself to a point after finishing all my therapy courses and surgery to jump back into that loop again, unfortunately. 

I also had a shit relationship with an ex who was emotionally and mentally manipulative. Lied all the time and was inconsistent with me, blamed me for being upset about very valid things. And I continued to have bosses who were either crazy, creepy, or just downright mean. 

In none of this tumultuous time did I EVER have a break from advocating for myself or did I ever get the goddamn sleep and rest that I needed (until I was basically blacking out and telling people to leave me alone for just a few moments of my day). It felt like someone was always tugging at me. Saying: Me, me, me - me next PLEASE. 

I had to keep saying: STOP. GO FUCK YOURSELF, only when I finally realized what they were doing to me. 

That isn’t life. 

Every time I sought a few weeks of a break...it was thwarted by the maniacal, cynical people in my life. Throwing their baggage and past experiences onto me. 

Either that or my family was creating new freaking life altering moments in them. 

It was terrible. I couldn’t find the goddamn respite I wanted. 

I never healed emotionally. 

Am I happy? No. No, I am still not happy. 

I got better at managing practically (like my money and being patient with my financial circumstances, and medical procedures, even dealing with unhealthy and unbalanced people, or bad coworkers, and bad freaking receptionists and doctors...see how its still me adapting to these things though?). 

But none of these skills are to the capacity I know I should be in them...I’m not mastering anything. I’m just flailing, trying to get by... 

Steps I’m making taking now to turn my life around? I don’t know. I asked myself seriously one day: What are you doing? Are you really even managing? You can’t even cook yourself a week’s long worth of meals. You wake up and you maybe have breakfast and you have lunch if your family made it...

I realized, even though I’m as financially stable as I can be right now, given my current circumstances - absolutely none of it is going towards making me healthy. 

I waste it. I still waste my time. I still waste my resources, my energy, and my own patience. I continue to entertain negative or bad people in my life. 

Why? I don’t know. What was all that therapy for I wondered lol...and so I keep seeking. Seeking answers to my own instability. 

That said, here is what I decided to do about it. 

I made a list, and I’m sticking by it: 

I’m seeing a psychiatrist. Who is willing to help me figure out the emotional imbalances of what is going on in my head (in terms of chemistry - thankfully she’s really smart lol). 

I’m seeing a bunch of other doctors to figure out how to help me with my current medical conditions. One being that I have two fucked up legs/knees now, because the other is compensating for the left knee surgery I had that made me shorter in one leg! Wee...lol. 

I’m trying to join a nutritional wellness program, and a massage therapy program so I can just...I just need major improvement there. Both because my digestive issues are bad and my pain management is terrible. I don’t know what to cook for myself because everything makes my stomach react AND hurt (I have leftover issues from a bad infection that could have caused me cancer if I didn’t take the medication to clear it in time). 

I blocked and got rid of a lot of negative people. People who just kept pushing their goddamn ideals on me. I’m not you. Stop treating me like I need to fit a mold. I’m fine as I am. I’m happy with who I turned out to be, what I like, and how I spend my time. You don’t need to belittle me to achieve your goals or your dreams. Why not do that to yourself and see how that feels quite frankly - I’m sure you wouldn’t get too far. Why? BECAUSE ITS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE. You continue to waste your time on people when you decide to be petty. And even worse: when you’re petty to yourself. And you throw that crap onto me, because you get tired of treating yourself this way. LEARN. Learn who you are. That’s your responsibility - not mine. 

I paid for a really cheap online art class~ it was discounted c: and it’s just to reset my creativity and my passion for doing art~ because I love to draw. <3 I have always loved to draw. 

I want to work on a few designs for stickers I’d like to start selling~ and even design my own plushie! 

Financially? Idk. I’m still hoping for a miracle lol. But we’ll see. I need my health first. I realized that finally. 

What is my point? 

I didn’t fail me. 

I have never failed me. 

I have always picked myself up, did the work, cried about it later, and STILL pushed me to do something. 

I still asked myself to achieve, even when I really didn’t want to. 

I got up, brushed my teeth, took a shower, and went to all my scary therapy appointments, all of my horrifying doctors visits, and still went to work to get yelled at by people I would never meet who would flat out tell me I was worth nothing. 

It took its toll every day - and I still found the strength to do these things. And I kept changing them, by the way. 

I kept changing jobs. I kept changing friends. I kept changing my financial circumstances. 

I’m finally at a job that allows me more leisure, even if I deal with the one or two petty clients of the day (sometimes its like seven, lets be real lol)…but I learned. 

I taught me. People helped. The right ones did, but because I decided who those people were going to be and who or what I wouldn’t tolerate anymore. 

END OF STORY.