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ankelmacrilzacsmom · 5 years ago

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Thinking too much. 4/10/2020

There are days that are so disappointing. The kind of days I just want to run and hide somewhere, but know there is no running from what I’m feeling. Today is like that. Overall, this COVID19 pandemic, whether you believe it’s a pandemic or not, has been extremely tough on everyone’s emotions. When a person already deals with mental health issues, they just multiply. And so much of the time, I couldn’t tell you how I’m feeling anyhow, because it’s unexplainable.

When you are a person that takes everything personally, hearing you shouldn’t does absolutely nothing, except validate the negative crap going on in your head. Social media can be a life saver in times like these. It’s all I have to connect with the majority of people in my life, normally, but during a hellish time, it’s a place I want to be able to see loving things, words of comfort and hope. It’s a place I seek some emotional support, from my friends. And as much as I’ve tried to look for the positive, and unfollowed the negative stuff, sometimes it all just seems overwhelmingly unavoidable.

Politics and religion are always touchy. I don’t need us to agree on who we think is in office is right, or even that we feel exactly the same about God. I do need people to be civil, though, act like humans. If you get off being hateful or simply trolling other people’s comments, in order to assert yourself and make them realize how small and wrong you think they are, then probably,we shouldn’t have a relationship on Facebook. Unfollowing or hiding sometimes is needed for a little while, until the scenery changes and there’s something else to discuss. So, maybe we can do that, more, and feel the need to express ourselves all over someone else’s wall, less.

People have become way too comfortable with strangers, so much so that it’s been normal to just shoot your mouth off at someone you don’t know. I am not completely faultless, as I’ve been sucked into the vortex of frustration more than once, and typed things I shouldn’t have.

Once in a while, when you engage in a conversation, you might take a stance on something, and then wait for the fallout, as you know is bound to happen. But, sometimes, you can comment on a friend’s post with something meant to be positive, meant to uplift or encourage them, and some person you’ve never met , decides to chastise you, to hit you from behind with a sermon on why your idea and opinions are wrong. I will never get used to the way we have become, thinking we can take things out on someone we don’t know. And, sometimes, though I think I’m a pretty understandable person, I get really angry. I get angry because, if you don’t know me well, then you are inserting your junk into my life, you are judging me and everything about me, when I never gave you that kind of access. Over the past couple of months, in particular, I have had several incidences, where I was needlessly berated over a post I wrote that never initiated any of the hatred I got back. And, it only happens because people can hide behind a computer or cellphone screen. If it was a one time thing, I could move along and forget it. The problem is, it’s a constant issue. Even on my own timeline, where I feel I should be able to express my opinions and ideas, it has happened. And I’m not talking about a difference in what we think or feel, I’m talking about condescending bullying that is totally unacceptable.

Facebook is my soapbox. My understanding of a soapbox, way back, is it was a place people could stand a bit above the crowd and speak loudly about something that meant a great deal to them, and when they were done, they could get down and walk away. It gave people a chance to explain where they were coming from, their point of view. It wasn’t a place for debate, it was a place for self-expression, and that is all. Since I’ve never actually been involved in a soapbox speech, maybe I am simplifying it too much. Perhaps when someone got up there and spoke, they couldn’t get down that easily without a fight. Maybe they got mobbed on the soapbox, I don’t know.

In the newspapers, when I was young, there were opinion pieces called “letters to the editor.” You could write in with something that really bothered you or something you were very happy about, whichever the case was. It took time to write, edit and send out before it appeared to the public. There could be rebuttals, I believe, but again, they took time and thought before writing.

I’ve always been hesitant to voice my own opinions out loud, especially with people I don’t know or trust, because of the wrath I would see out of others. I’m still learning it’s okay to say what I feel without an accompanying sickness in my stomach, that what I say will not lie well with someone, and they might explode.

I think everyone’s wall should be their own place to express themselves. There are people who will disagree with that and in fact, feel if someone brings something up, especially if it’s controversial, that person is simply opening up the floor for anything and everything to be said or shouted out. I’m not one of those people. There are lots of times I want to debate, or I ask for opinions. And, there are times I have specifically asked friends not to argue with me. And, most of the time, that was honored. I read a lot of opinions online. I always try to get facts before I post a story. I agree with some, and disagree with others. If my opinion is different, I have a place to go to express it, on my own wall. Because, I know this, no matter how strongly I feel about something, I can always learn from other points of view, and it doesn’t make me right and others wrong. If nothing else, it helps me understand why someone ticks the way that they do.

If you have experience with something, or know a lot about a subject because of what you’ve learned or been through, speaking about your feelings on it shouldn’t provoke a fight from someone else, unless you directly attack someone else.

What a time we are in right now, in this world, right? Maybe everyone can agree on that. Being told we have to distance ourselves, makes me more antsy to be with people, no matter how annoying that can be sometimes. If you can get outside, though, do. There are ways to be with nature, not around people, just to allow your head to clear a bit. I need that. Everyone needs that, if possible. Everything I was raised with, everything I was taught, has been chewed up, skewed around and spat back out. And it’s a vomitous mess. I don’t want to be in a world like that, but since I believe in prophecy and the Bible, I know it’s unavoidable.

When I was little and I had an attitude or expressed my boredom in whiny tones, my parents would say I needed to get out of the house, go outside, and blow the stink off. I hated that because I didn’t understand the symbolism. I’ve knocked the expression around in my head a lot lately, because I find my attitude is unpleasant, mostly because of my own inner struggles, but also because of my perception of what I'm surrounded by sometimes. And, still after all these years, I can hear my mom and dad say, “go outside for a while, and blow the stink off.” And, when I do, usually, it works.

~rsf 4/10/2020

#covid19 #covid #coronavirus #unmaskme

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