#using the tags as a diary again instead of the literal notebook next to me

[prncssberry]

.

[flowerwrites06]

mint ocean — myg

Plot: Yoongi clashes with a lyricist. 

Pairing(s): Music Major!Yoongi x Lyricist!OC (Name: Kiku) 

Rating: G | PG | M | R 18+

Type: Drabble | Oneshot | Two Parter | Series

Word Count: 3k+

Genre: College | Fluff/Angst

Tags & Warnings: coarse language, sexual references.

Authors Note: i didn’t realize people would like this little oneshot so much but here you go! 

“Another party?” Yoongi scorned, throwing his head back as he sat on the chair trying to rest his eyes from the books in front of him. How Namjoon managed to organize so many fucking parties in a year almost terrified the mint-haired male. “Didn’t you just have one like yesterday? With the jelly shots and shit.”

“Yoongi, that was a month ago.” Namjoon corrected, fixing his pink tresses while looking at the mirror. “I think it’s nice to have gatherings…you know to consolidate relationships.”

He scoffed obnoxiously. “You just want to fuck that singer with her little plaid skirt still on.”

The younger male immediately glared at his roommate. “Don’t talk about Minnie like that. She’s a nice girl, alright?”

Despite the light smirk on his face, Yoongi took a step back from his commenting. He didn’t know too much about the girl truly but from what he saw she was extremely beautiful to say the least and had a kind smile. He never really talked to her one on one. “So what’re you trying this time?”

“I’m not trying anything, it’s just doing a bit of socializing.” He shrugged.

Yoongi gagged mockingly at the ‘s’ word. His pink haired counterpart definitely proved to have more social skills in his one pinky finger than he did in his whole body. Which was something he both envied and took pride in. Knowing people was always beneficial clearly since Namjoon got a lot of opportunities from it but interacting with far too many people meant being worried about too many useless feelings. “I’m only coming for the shots.” He mumbled, tapping his pen against the open notebook scribbled with a few bits from yesterday’s lecture.

Namjoon chuckled. “You say that but I still manage to see a pretty someone sneaking out of your room in the morning.”

He pointed at the man with his pen. “It’s ‘cause of the shots.”

“Sure.” He grinned knowing the mint-haired male despite his demeanor did like a little bit of attention when it came to him.

-

“A party?” Kiku peered through the glass, whispering in the serene silence of the library while skimming through a few sources for her next essay. Blue tresses falling over her face despite the loose restraint of her long ponytail.

Minnie nodded sitting on the other side with her laptop open on her right and her notebook adorned with the neatest writing. “Namjoon said it was a small gathering so no need to worry about too much noise and all that.”

“You know what he’s trying to do, don’t you?” She leaned in so she could raise her voice a little but not have it echo throughout the entire room.

“Not this again.” She lowered her head, doodling a little on the corner of her page with her brunette waves framing her face.

“Please tell me you’re being careful.” Kiku searched the others’ expression. Namjoons’ intentions were a little blurry since she found him to be a decent student at least in the music classes and various music projects they shared. But anyone could be great at school work and terrible at treating women. It made her extremely suspicious especially since his attempts always involved a party with booze.

“Of course I’m being careful.” Minnie muttered, tapping her pen against the table. “There’s nothing wrong with going to a party.”

“A lot of college girls would disagree.” Bitterness laced in her tone as she scribbled a few words on the corner of her notebook maybe hoping to add some of them in the new song.

“Namjoon isn’t like that. He fights about stuff like that, you should hear the kind of music he makes.” Minnie defended.

Kiku sighed. “Speaking of music…how did they like the song?”

“They loved it as usual.” Though the girl did not sound enthusiastic in the slightest. “How long do you expect to keep your identity secret from everyone else? What if someone finds out before you can come out?”

“Then they find out.” She shrugged. “Everyone loves you and your voice. Let them think it’s some mystery producer that no one knows about.”

Their conversation got shorter and shorter about this whole situation. Minnie would try to convince her to show her real self to the public instead being under an alias. Kiku simply suggested that she preferred not being bothered about her songs. Writing songs without the credit allowed her to be more personal.

“Will you at least come to the party with me then?” Her expression grew a little desperate. Okay she did really like Namjoon. The two had been conversing and trying to spend time with each other for a couple of months now. “It’ll be better if you were there so nothing bad happened.” Namjoon would never let anything bad happen but it was more to reassure Kiku.

After a moment of thought, the blue haired girl spoke. “Fine. An hour.”

-

Regret seeped into Kiku’s body quicker than she expected when they walked into the loud and slightly crowded house. Minnie held onto her hand tightly to ensure no one got lost as they slid through following Namjoon to a circle of couches. Sweaty bodies all around them, Kiku wished she had not just opted for a fitted crop top and some baggy pants.

“You can sit here.” The pink haired male smiled patting the space next to him.

Kiku suppressed the urge to roll her eyes as she sat on the other side of Minnie, eyes struggling to meet the gazes of all the people in the group. Two girls were sat around a mint-haired male while two other boys sat on the floor in front of the coffee table centering them. If it weren’t for the loud music and people making babies in the kitchen then this would have resembled a quiet game night.

“Minnie, you know Yoongi.” Namjoon spoke softly gesturing towards the mint-haired male who gave the two a small smirk. “I made him listen to your songs, he loves it.”

She giggled nervously while Kiku merely smiled. “Thank you.”

“You write really well seriously.” Yoongi commented, eyes flickering over to the full head of grey-ish blue sitting quietly next to her friend. “What’s your source?”

“Honestly my producer writes most of the lyrics.” Minnie kept her voice pretty gentle despite the booming of the beats. She accidentally glanced over at Kiku when talking about her producer. “She’s the talented one.”

“Well you’re the one who’s singing it. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of random words on paper, isn’t it? A page from a diary instead of a real song.”

Namjoons’ smile disappeared hearing his friends’ comment and attempting to give him a warning look but Yoongi did not see him.

“Lyrics are still important though.” Minnie explained softly, not really wanting to see Kiku’s reaction anymore.

“Yeah they are.” Namjoon continued knowing Yoongi thought the same thing.

“Of course…when added. By itself, it’s nothing.”

“They can’t just be ‘nothing’” Minnie still smiled and it made Namjoon even more angry at his friend.

He knew Yoongi despised these parties and made it a mission to show how bad they can get but in front of the girl he liked?

“He’s right.” Kiku spoke up this time, all of their eyes flickered over to her now.

Minnie’s brows furrowed silently trying to tell her not to bring herself down in that manner. So many people found it easy to diss on her lyrical ability because she never actually showed herself to them. So they both had to quietly sit there and tolerate the incessant commenting until headaches ensued.

“Lyrics are nothing but random words without the song.” Kiku continued with a neutral expression. “Just like rappers are nothing but drug using whores that talk fast.” She smiled at the man whose smirk slowly disappeared. “Or MIDI producers are nothing but fingers tapping on a fake keyboard.”

Her comment injected silence amongst the group including a proper glare from Yoongi. One of the girls muttered something about Kiku being extremely rude while Minnie did not know what to feel. “I’m gonna go get a drink.”

Barely ten minutes into the party, Kiku already regretted being there and even trying to converse with someone who had the personality of a grain of sand. What kind of a music student talks about lyrics like that? Who the fuck did he think he was? Lyrics took so much time and energy. She could not even count the amount of times she cried or got angry whenever she wrote them.

“I need to go check on her.” Minnie muttered to Namjoon gently. “Sorry.” She touched his arm lightly hoping he understood why she had to prioritize Kiku tonight. Aside from literally helping her in her career, she always tried to keep her safe no matter what.

Namjoon stammered as the wonderful girl walked away from him to check on her friend. An immediate glare now shot to Yoongi.

“What?” The mint-haired male winced. “She said things too.”

“Because you were acting like an idiot with Minnie.”

“I’m not the one who’s desperate to impress her.” Yoongi shrugged.

“That doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be rude. You’re my best friend, I wanted you to like her too.”

The older male sighed as one of the girls leaned in to tell him it was okay but he knew it wasn’t. If Yoongi—god forbid—ever wanted to be with someone seriously then Namjoon’s approval would be top priority. The two went through so much together and there was no reason to dedicate themselves to someone if the other didn’t like them. Namjoon must have really liked Minnie for him to be so adamant on Yoongi liking her too.

Slithering through the heated crowd, Kiku finally stumbled towards the drink table where she poured herself a glass of vodka and some cranberry juice. She hated how one simple conversation still lingered in her mind like a disease. Hopefully a few chugs of the funny tasting juice burned through most of the memory.

“Hey…” A slurred voice lingered on her left followed by a trail of alcohol stench breath infecting the air in her personal space. “What’re you sitting here so lonely for?” The snap back man hummed sneaking closer so his shoulder almost pressed against hers.

Kiku immediately moved away with a roll of her eyes as she attempted to walk back to the circle of couches. But something held her arm back. “Don’t touch me.” She yanked away from his grip, briskly walking towards the couches now until she saw Minnie walk straight towards her.

“I thought you left.” Minnie smiled a little, moving the pair over next to the stairs where there was less of a crowd. “Look don’t worry about what Yoongi said, okay?”

“I’m not worried about him.” She shook her head, feeling like her words were a lie. “People have said worse. I honestly expected worse, he’s kinda soft isn’t he?”

“Hey! I was fucking talking to you.” The same slurring man stumbled towards the pair again, standing uncomfortably close to Kiku. “Do you know who I fucking am?”

“Someone who desperately needs a mint and better social skills.” Kiku snapped in a gently vicious demeanor which of course only angered the stinking beast. He grabbed her by her arms again this time enough to cause pain before trying to slam her against the side of the stairs.

Before Minnie could jump in, the attacker was pushed off of her and dropped onto the ground with a thud causing a deafening silence amongst the crowd including the music.

Standing in front of Kiku­­—at least from where she could see–leather jacket and a head of mint hair, back facing her.

“You know the rules, Kwan.” Yoongi spoke calmly though his body radiated even more frustration than normal. The party was irritating enough but a few frat guys seemed to think it was a breeding ground for assault. “Play nice or get out.”

Kiku rubbed her sore arm absentmindedly as she watched the drunkard struggle back on his feet while all eyes were on him in judgement. Namjoon already stood by Minnie’s side keeping a close gaze on Kwan.

“Just having a bit of fun, Min. No harm.” Kwans’ reddened eyes flickered over to Kiku who only glared back at him.

“I feel bad for everyone who had the misfortune of fucking you if you thought that was fun.” Yoongi smirked. “You had your drinks, get out.” He nodded to the exit.

Kwan looked around at all the faces staring right at him knowing it would be embarrassing to be chased out in this manner but even more so if he just stood here. So he simply chose the first option and walked away.

Once the beast was gone, everyone quite easily faded back into their normal atmosphere of dancing and drinking while Yoongi turned to face Kiku.

“Good rule.” Kiku muttered, folding her arms over her chest.

“Kwan just invites himself sometimes.” He glanced over at the entrance to check if he was out yet before facing the girl again. The question lingered at the tip of his tongue for a while before he spoke. “You okay?”

She nodded though her arms still had a dull ache.

“You think you should stay here for the night?” Namjoon suggested glancing over at Minnie.

Kiku slowly held onto Minnie’s hand. “No, that’s fine.”

“Ku, it’s okay.” She muttered, patting the back of her hand.

“Sorry that didn’t sound right.” He scratched his head, chuckling nervously.

“What my awkward friend is trying to say is Kwan might still wait outside after the party’s done so you can stay here till morning. We’ll sleep on the couch and you can take our rooms.” He gestured upstairs. “Gonna take all night to clean this shit up anyway.” He glared at the clear mess of booze and a few bras on the floor.

The more cautious side of her screamed to the top about a possible trap which may lead to extra problems then just going back to their dorms. But not a lot of frat boys would place literal protection rules in their house during parties. Hell they would be just as drunk and intense as that Kwan idiot. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea staying. Besides Kiku brought her work in her bag just in case the party got boring anyway.

Still keeping a firm grasp on Minnie’s hand, she nodded. “Okay.”

-

The party settled down after a few hours and all was left were the remnants of a whole lot of bad decisions. Kiku even spotted a used condom laying around on the hallways as they were led to the two bedrooms.

“Fucking hell…” Namjoon hissed looking inside his room making Minnie giggle a little.

“I told you to lock your room.” Yoongi spoke as he unlocked the door and led Kiku inside his private room.

A little untidy which was not surprising. His study table littered with papers either readings from his units or just scribbles that were hard to decipher. Bed somewhat unmade and his closet overflowing with unfolded clothes.

Yeah it was a mess. But Kiku couldn’t really judge him, it was heavy assignment season and her side of the dorm looked exactly like this too. Pushing off her shoes she placed it neatly next to the door. Padding over to the bed she sat down quietly while Yoongi grabbed whatever he needed so he didn’t have to disturb the girl.

“If you get hungry, there’s—water in the mini fridge.” He smiled nervously as he looked inside the little bar.

“Good to know.” She couldn’t help but mimic the smile.

“You can—use a T-shirt or something if you want for sleeping. Use the ones on the rack.” He gestured over to the closet. There was a subtle awkwardness behind him that Kiku could not understand considering how he acted in the party tonight. Did he never have guests in his bedroom before? Or maybe at this point he would be doing something else with the guest by now instead of acquainting them to the area.

Either way Kiku felt kind of safe with this new side of his behavior. “Thanks.”

Yoongi hummed in acknowledgement before padding out of the room, cursing a little under his breath at the mess made.

-

The whole night spent out with Kiku working more on her essay and then proceeded to jot down some ideas for Minnie’s songs. She tried to label them properly so she didn’t mix up the school work from the paid work. Sleeping in someone’s else bed proved to be more difficult than she expected despite putting on a comfortable black T-shirt that was offered to her kindly.

The surface of the bed was now just as littered as his study table but it allowed Kiku to concentrate a bit better.

Rummaging and vacuuming echoed throughout the whole frat house which would have been distracting if Kiku did not feel bad for the boys having to clean all that mess by themselves. They did organize the party but the aftermath still was not deserving of anyone.

Fixing her glasses back up on her nose bridge, the door opened behind her with a messy haired and clearly annoyed looking Yoongi walking through.

“Sleep well?” He asked.

“Didn’t really sleep.” Kiku smiled nervously. “You could’ve just slept here, you know.”

“Would you have been able to resist my charms?” The cheekiness seemed to seep in a lot more when he was in an inconvenient position.

“It would have been incredibly difficult but I could power through.” She stretched a fake grin before looking back at her work.

Yoongis’ eyes flickered over at some bold words written ‘For Minnie’ with a pending title next to it. Brows furrowed and head tilted, he looked closer at the words on the page. “Is that a—is that a song?”

Her heart jumped quickly looking at the page and trying to grab it but Yoongi beat her to it. Kiku practically flew off the bed, following the mint-haired male to try get the lyrics back. “This is invasion of privacy.”

“You’re in my bedroom.” He retorted, still reading the words intently. “And all you did was study…well—study and write a whole ass song, do you do this often?”

The blue haired girl averted her gaze in annoyance. “Yes, I write a couple of her songs.”

“A couple?” Yoongi raised a brow. “Funny, the last time I checked the credit for all her songs there were only two producers. Minnie and someone called Chrys.” His bottom lips jutted out skimming through the song again. “I just thought it was a fancy way to make Chris interesting but I’m guessing it’s short for Chrysanthemum. As in…Kiku.” He smirked handing the paper over to her now.

“You feel real smart, don’t you?” Kiku took her paper back and stuffed it back into her files before tidying everything else up.

“Not that smart. I’m surprised people don’t talk about you more.” He shrugged, fluffing up his hair a little.

“Well it’s like you said…” Kiku sighed. “Lyrics are nothing but words on a page, right? Why would people talk about me at all?” She smiled sadly, keeping her gaze on her things rather than the mint-haired male. This partnership and her own decision went on successfully for a long time without the girl feeling like she was being exploited or taken advantage of. Why was it that saying all of this to Yoongi out loud made the whole thing sound so wrong now?

Yoongi let out a deep sigh as his words replayed back in his head. “I didn’t actually mean to say that.” He muttered a little shyly. “I was…” Wow he sounded so stupid already. “I was just trying to be an asshole.”

“It worked.” Kiku unzipped her bag before facing him again. “But you made up for it too so it’s okay.”

He nodded before rubbing his face out of exhaustion. “Your lyrics are really good though. I’m not surprised you’re the only producer Minnie trusts.”

“Are you just being nice now?”

“No that’s too fucking tiring.” Yoongi chuckled and she couldn’t help letting one out as well.

“Thank you…again.” Kiku played with her fingers. “Did you need some help with the cleaning?”

“Namjoon owes me a few hours of cleaning, he decided to abandon me for a while to f—uh entertain Minnie.” He gestured towards the door.

Kiku raised her brows not being able to control the small smirk tugging at the corners of her lips. “So are you here to entertain me now?” She teased.

“No, no no—oh…” Yoongi cleared his throat.

“Don’t freak out, I won’t pounce on you or anything.” Kiku giggled lightly. “Besides seeing the girls who were stuck to you at the party you and I wouldn’t work.”

“And why’s that?” Eyes unintentionally flickered up and down her body. It only took him now to see his T-shirt hugging her curvy body, plump boobs and luscious curves poking out even in the slimming color.

“One too many assholes spoil the soup.” She pretended not to see that wild gaze running down her form.

“On the contrary, it makes it more tasteful.” He smirked. “You know…spicy.”

“Spicy…” Kiku chuckled. “Sure.” She turned on her heel to check on Minnie, fully aware that Yoongis’ wild eyes would follow down.

You’re a respectful man, Yoongi. Put your eyes away. It didn’t really help when that beautiful ass swayed as she walked and her gorgeous waves bouncing a little. Fuck he wanted some of that soup.

[moth-song-archives]

The Insatiable Flow of Time (1/8)

I remembered that I can make posts here too huh! Anyways, I wrote a post-MAG200 fic <3

I’ll reblog it again with the link to ao3 if you’d prefer reading it there :D

Rating: Teens and Up Archive Warnings: Choose Not To Use Categories: F/F Relationships: Georgie/Melanie, Georgie & Jon, Jonmartin (mentioned) Characters: Georgie Barker, Melanie King, Jonathan Sims, the Admiral, Basira Hussain (mentioned), Rosie Zampano (mentioned), Martin Blackwood (mentioned)

Additional tags: Diary/Journal × post mag200 × Post-Canon × Canon Compliant × Rated for swearing and me doing my best to write a fitting epilogue for my most fave story of all time × Bittersweet × Hurt/Comfort × Grief/Mourning × Gentle-Sad-Soft × Fluff × Non-Sexual Intimacy × Tenderness × Generally Hopeful Ending × Ambiguous/Open Ending × Catharsis × You know how TMA is a tragedy? ... yeah × Hope Punk × dealing with the fallout of surviving a literal apocalypse × Moving on and letting go × Trans Georgie Barker × Nonbinary Melanie King × Melanie uses any pronouns but needs to (re)discover this first × and is then mainly referred to with they/them pronouns for diary-simplicity × Melanie is ace in my heart ♡ × Jon is also enby but it only gets referred to in passing × Georgie has a Type™ × Character Study × i love them all so much × Nonbinary aspec author × it's very hope punk and somft BUT ALSO VERY SAD × in like a cathartic way × because i like causing pain :') × pre-written and updates every 2-3 days

I think I might use it to… rediscover myself. That’s what I liked about journaling in the first place, I think. Getting to think about things outside of my own head, putting it out there so I could move on? Maybe it’s time to return to old coping mechanisms and try again. Even if I haven’t really changed. Even if I should’ve changed. Right?

As the world tries to piece itself back together, Georgie grapples with her past, her present, and her future by keeping a diary. She also keeps having this strange, recurring dream that involves Jon. Post MAG200.

Finished at ~12k, will upload over the next couple of days <3

Day 3 - Evening

Melanie is sleeping. Basira is also sleeping, on the sofa in the living-room. She doesn’t really know what to do with herself, these days, so for now she’s staying with us.

I am not sleeping. I’m so far beyond tired that I can’t sleep anymore. It’s been... how long? More than a day, certainly. I’m at the kitchen table and the night outside is darker than any I’ve ever seen. There are no street lights and a million more stars than I could’ve ever imagined. I wish Melanie could see them too :(

Back before everything in my life went wrong, I used to be really good at this. I think I got my first diary when I was... seven, maybe eight? I used to be obsessed with it. I guess I stopped writing in college, after the incident, because it felt... wrong? Like I was lying to myself, trying to fabricate emotions that just weren’t there, keeping up with things that no longer seemed important or note-worthy. Mainly, I couldn’t make myself care about anyone or anything anymore.

I think I want to find that person again, now that it’s over. Try and… move on? And Melanie encouraged me :) I guess that’s the main reason. I found this notebook in one of the domains when we were rescuing people. I don’t know what I originally wanted to do with it, but I did end up forgetting about it until I went through my bag again today. It smells like fire and is a bit singed in places, but I kind of like that? I think I might use it to… rediscover myself. ...that sounds very pretentious, but this is just for me, so...

And I like that it’s just cheap paper scribbled on with a shitty biro. Maybe I’ll just burn it when all the thoughts are on the paper instead of in my head. When I can sleep again. And the prize for the most dramatic way of closure goes to Georgie Barker! But yeah. That’s what I liked about journaling in the first place, I think. Getting to think about things outside of my own head, putting it out there so I could move on? Maybe it’s time to return to old coping mechanisms and try again. Even if I haven’t really changed. Even if I should’ve changed. Right?

But I don’t feel any different. Shouldn’t I feel different, now that they’re gone? The entities, I mean, though Jon and Martin seem to be gone, too.

I keep remembering Martin’s expression when he told us to go early, how upset he was.

Honestly, I can’t say I’m surprised. As long as I’ve known Jon, he’s always done what he thought best. It used to drive me up the walls, but I also admired it, I think? I never would’ve told him that, but… Well. He’s gone now.

It’s over, all of it.

And I still can’t sleep.

And Melanie is still blind, and I still feel empty, and my fear still hasn’t come back. Everyone who died is still dead, and the trauma is still there. There were angry mobs in the streets, and people got killed.

I can’t quite believe that Jon and Martin went with them. I can’t believe they left us behind to explain the entire mess.

 We’re back in our old flat. It’s so weird to be back home. Everything looks the same, as though no time passed at all. Nobody knows what date it is. How long were we caught in there?

Outside, it feels like spring. There are birds everywhere, singing their hearts out. Sounds like more birds than there used to be, too. The trees are leafless and dead-looking, but Basira pointed out that they’re getting there... and it feels like spring.

I haven’t slept properly in 3 days because the questions keep me awake. It’s not that I’m worrying, really, just… thinking? I think I could sleep better if the worry had come back, but it hasn’t.

As far as we can tell, all modern devices are broken, too. Computers and phones and such, digital cameras, generators... we don’t even know what the rest of the world looks like. I hadn’t realised how much gets controlled by computers these days, we don’t even have central heating or water access in our flat. Rumours and news are spreading person-to-person, like in the Olden Days. We only have emergency systems that were installed in case of nation-wide blackout. I guess I’m glad we don’t actually have a blackout, we just need to get the computers back to work. (If I understood it correctly.)

Melanie thinks it’ll all come back to life in a few more days. I certainly hope so. I also hope I’ll stop feeling like this. Or rather, not feeling like anything. It’s so strange. Like in the first days after the incident, when I just felt numb?

They’re gone! I want to feel like a person again! What if I never get myself back?

 They’re actually gone.

 What will we do with our lives now? Basira isn’t the only one who feels uprooted. I think the whole world feels like that right now.

I hope my computer comes back soon. I miss music, and making things. My photos, all those memories.

I don’t want to lose all of that. I want to start fresh, but not without records of the past.

…I’ve had a lot of time to think about that, specifically. Records, and futures.

What the Ghost is done, right? There’s no fun in creepy ghost stories if you’ve been through an actual, living nightmare.

I think I want to start new with that, too. When everything works again, that is.

New world, new future, new podcast. I like that. I think. Make a record of what happened through eyewitness accounts? Or is that too similar to the Statements… then again, it’ll be more like interviews. And I think we shouldn’t forget.

We owe them that much.

I’ll have to talk it over with Melanie tomorrow. Maybe.

We’ll see.

God, I think maybe… maybe I can actually try and sleep tonight. Writing does seem to help.

 Note to self: thank Laverne for suggesting it. (Also for being there for Melanie. And listening to us. And stopping with that culty nonsense. She’s the only one we found so far, but she actually listened to us. Strange to think that in this world, I have to be grateful for someone not worshipping me for some dumb reason?!)

   Day 4 - Morning

So. Three things.

1) I did manage to fall asleep after all! I’ve always been a bit of an insomniac, especially after the incident, so actually getting some proper rest felt really good.

2) I somehow woke up right as the sun went up! I think I’ve never seen a dawn this beautiful? I watched it from the bedroom window and I’ll definitely describe it to her in detail when she wakes up! The Admiral was sleeping on our pillow, right next to her head, snuggled up against the back of her neck and shoulder... it was so cute. I can’t believe my phone and camera still don’t work! Melanie has that old polaroid camera somewhere but we haven’t found it yet, and I wish my art skills were any better. I did draw a sketch of the two of them though. I’ll cherish it forever, no matter how shitty it is :’)

After everything that happened, the Admiral is still a bit weird around us. He started out really aggressive, calmed down a bit, and now… now he’s weirdly skittish? Meows a lot. Keeps walking around the flat. The only thing that even remotely returns him to how he used to be is tuna. It’s weird.

But seeing him like that, with Melanie? I love him so much.

I think he’ll be okay.

But before I forget, and why I actually got out the diary at this ungodly hour instead of trying to go back to sleep now that the sun is up…

3) I had a really nice dream. And... I don’t even know. I think I want to try and hold onto the feeling? I don’t think I’ve felt that… deeply… in a long while. Maybe the last time was before all this, when we decided to move in together. Before all of this happened.

For a moment, I felt like I was whole again :’)

It didn’t even have Melanie in it, which is very rude tbh. I think Jon was there? The Admiral, too. We were just chilling on the sofa, watching netflix I think... It felt so... mundane??? Casual, somehow??? Like it was normal to feel like that and I just... I want THAT. I want to feel like that again, instead of this weird… blank nothingness? I want that all the time, not just when I’m riding a high or feeling so terrible that it pierces through.

I don’t know if that makes sense but this is just for me anyway so I suppose it doesn’t have to.

 I think I should feel bad about Jon being gone, but I still don’t even feel relief at it being over. Just this vague numbness.

I hate it so much, except I don’t, actually, I just know that I should?

Melanie keeps saying that I need a therapist but if we’re being honest here, I guess I need one the least? The whole goddamn world needs therapy right now. Including the therapists. And I’ve been dealing with this for a long time now.

I guess I keep hoping it’ll just go away somehow.

 Anyways. Enough introspection, I’m going back to bed. I hope I don’t wake them! :)

  Day 4 - Evening

 It’s night now, the sun went down hours ago. We have a bunch of candles, but I’m trying to use them sparingly, so I just have one lit. I put a glass of water next to the candle so now the light gets magnified a bit more. It’s a weird atmosphere, but I kinda like it? Feels… cozy! :)

I’m still not over how everything looks the same, but nothing works like it did before, and there’s this… burden? This collective trauma everyone went through. It feels so surreal. So many things are still broken… it’s like we woke from a collective nightmare, but pieces of it still remain, floating around.

And we just sent it away with the tapes. I really hope those other worlds are doing better than us, but what else could we have done? I… try not to think about it. I know I should, but I still can’t really bring myself to care, or even feel overly guilty for that? …

 Melanie fell asleep with her head in my lap half an hour ago. I was reading to her. She says she loves the sound of my voice, so I’ve started doing that in the evenings. (I still love that we had separate crushes from a distance on each other for ages because of youtube and WTG. We’ve been talking about that a lot, too.)

She still has nightmares, but apparently she’s also been having good dreams, and she looks so peaceful right now. The last few days have been a lot, but in comparison to before, and even before then…

It’s over. We made it out. We get to have a future together. I still can’t quite believe it. :)

 I guess I’m writing again (despite already having done so in the morning) because it somehow helped yesterday and I’m hoping to replicate that. And I have a lot to think about. It’s been a long day.

Basira is still out there, helping out where she can. I think she feels guilty. Melanie says she doesn’t because there was no other choice, but I know her, and I know that she’s lying.

There’s always another choice. We just say that to make it easier to bear.

I hope she knows she can come talk to me when she feels ready to tackle it.

I hope I ever feel able to tackle it myself. No. I will talk to her when I’m ready.

We did talk a bit about things, of course. Melanie doesn’t really remember her dreams, most of the time, but apparently she’s been alternating between horrifying nightmares and a really nice, recurring one that sometimes happens after the nightmares. She doesn’t really remember much of it, but she mentioned it after I told her about the Jon dream. Not what it was about, just… in general.

From the way she talked about it, I think her dad might have been in it? I’m actually not sure, but the way she smiled…

She has that little smile on her lips again, even now, dreaming. The soft one she gets when she talks about good things. About him.

About me.

(I still can’t believe she chose me. How impossibly lucky? How did I ever deserve her? But then, it’s not about that, is it? She is mine, and I am hers, and… life will be good. I know it will be.)

 She’s been smiling a lot more, these past few days.

[captain-kingliamsqueen]

Diary of  A Star Crossed Lover

just a short series...well not really a series...but still a series!, that ive been working on! there are a few series i’’ve had to put on hold as im just not feeling them right now, and i only want to put my best out for you to read! hope you enjoy this series as much as i have enjoyed writing it!

Pairing: Liam x Riley, Liam x MC

Summary: Liam dives into riley most inner thoughts and dreams...

Word Count: 1,822

Masterlist

ASK IF YOU WANT TAGGED! SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE!

I always notice every single spelling mistake or issue after I’ve posted…so apologies in advance!

Tags aren’t working so I will be tagging in the comments. Ive tried to tag everyone, please don’t hesitate to msg and let me know if i forgot to tag you! 

It had been a long day for the Queen in waiting, she had nothing but classes, meetings, anything and everything that could possibly prepare her for being Queen of Cordonia. 

Riley was just getting out of the shower when she heard a knock on her bedroom door. Riley wrapped her dressing gown around her then made her way to the door. When she opened the door she was met with Liam's face.

“Liam! Hi” she grinned

“Hi” he blushed realising she was stood in only her dressing gown. “I can go if I’m disturbing you”

“oh be quiet, come in” she smiled as she stepped aside to let him past, shutting the door behind him “Just give me a few minutes” she smiled as she made her way into her bathroom, shutting the door over after her.

Liam looked around at her things scattered across the room, chuckling to himself, this was Riley's room, he most definitely wasn’t surprised at the mess of things.

It was just about a week since Liam had proposed to Riley in new York, since then they had been inseparable.

As Liam went to sit down, he felt something underneath him causing him to move over, he looked over to see a green notebook. He lifted it up and opened the front cover, seeing Riley's name he realised it was some kind of diary…he quickly closed it over again not wanting to intrude on her privacy. It was just then that Riley walked out of the bathroom in some lounge pants and a vest top. She seen Liam just as he was putting the diary back down. Liam knew she had seen him so he mentioned it before she could bring it up.

“I’m sorry…I promise I didn’t read anything, as soon as I seen it was a diary I put it down.”

“it’s alright, I mean, you can read it if you want” she stated as she pulled her hairbrush through her short blonde hair “that’s the diary I kept during the social season and through your engagement to madeleine” she added as she made her way over to him. “so I can guarantee there’s some juicy pages about you” she winked with a grin as she leaned down, placing a kiss on his lips. “you’re going to be my husband; I don’t have anything to hide from you”

“Juicy pages about me you say?” he smirked as he cupped her cheeks in his hands.

“just a few” she giggled before giving him a kiss.“are you staying here tonight?” she asked hopeful that she wasn’t going to have to sleep alone again, she made her way over to her dresser where she started applying her moisturiser.

“I shouldn’t…I can get into a lot of trouble” he whispered as he stood from the sofa and made his way over to her, placing his hands on her waist and pressing his lips to her shoulder.

“that wasn’t a no” she laughed “I understand why, I just…we’re getting married, Liam, we’ve already slept together, we’re going to spend the rest of our lives sleeping together”

“I know…im dying for you to move into my quarters with me…”

“then whats stopping us?”

“the court”

“the court can kiss my ass! You’re the King of Cordonia, you can literally take a man’s life and not get into trouble…but moving in with your fiancé…your soon to be wife is so bad!”

“I know, it’s ridiculous!”

“then do something about it” she smirked as she turned into his hold. “so I’ll ask again…are you staying with me tonight…all night?”

Liam grinned as he looked down at Riley, “yeah…ill stay with you…all night…I promise”

“good, because it’s pretty cold tonight so I’m going to need my human radiator”

“then I am at your service!” he smirked as he crouched and wrapped his arms around her legs and lifted her over his shoulder

“Liam!!” Riley laughed as he made his way over to the bedroom, he dropped her onto the bed with a chuckle .

“I take it, it’s bedtime then?” she smirked

“yes, but we won’t be doing much sleeping” Liam informed with a smirk as he threw himself down beside her. The two spent the remainder of the night entangled in each other.

It was early hours of the morning Liam had awoken and couldn’t get back to sleep. He sighed as he turned onto his side, Riley's diary caught the corner of his eye. He stretched as he sat himself up then lifted the leather book. He put his reading glasses on then opened it.

 June 12th

Dear Diary…

Some days are easy some days are tough. Today was one of those tough days…For years I have suffered from anxiety…questioning every little thing I say or do, or things that other people say and do to me. I awoke this morning and I felt so mentally drained, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t do anything.

What I find strange…what annoys me the most, is I know I shouldn’t dwell on things that have happened, I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, I cant change anything so why let it get me down…but that feeling of anxiousness, dread and fear just takes over not just your head but your whole body, you feel so tired and drained, you feel awful, but there’s nothing you can do to change it, just end up falling into a deeper hole, the more you think about it. I just want to have one full day where I don’t feel like shit, 24 hours where I can just be happy and not overthink EVERYTHING! …Maybe one day.

Love you Muchly, Riley

Liam's heart sank as he read about Riley's struggles. Liam looked over at his wife, he gently tucked a fallen piece of hair behind her ear as she slept. “I love you” he whispered. He flipped the page over then grinned when he seen the date

June 13th

Dear Diary

I met the most AMAZING man! Liam…His name was Liam. The second I seen him, I felt like my heart stopped…how can you feel that way about a total stranger…then he spoke and I nearly fell right into his arms, I could barely talk! It honestly felt like I was talking to someone I had known for years. After my shift, Liam asked if I could show them wheres good to go in town, instead I took them to the cove on the beach, it was amazing, Drake was building fires, Maxwell was running rampant, and Liam and I got the spend some more time together. conversation with him was so easy, when he told me he wanted to see the statue of liberty before he left for Cordonia, oh did I forget to mention…hes a king…A KING!, I couldn’t pass up the chance to fulfil a dream! Especially one of Liam's! we kissed…Liam and I Kissed…sparks everywhere, it was like electricity flowed through us it was crazy…my heart was pounding in my chest, I’m surprised he didn’t hear it! it was the most amazing Kiss ive ever had!...but now…he’s gone…gone to get married…and whoever it is that gets the privilege of being his wife…well she’s the luckiest woman in the world and she better cherish him because he’s a damn good egg!

Love you Muchly, Riley x

Liam's cheeks had flustered, reading Riley's first thoughts about him.

“Liam?” Riley questioned as she turned over realising he wasn’t sleeping.

“I’m here sweetheart, go back to sleep”

“what are you doing up?”

“I woke and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I’m doing a little light reading” he grinned, Riley shuffled closer to her, pulling the duvet over her a little more.

“did you start from the beginning?” she asked as she sat up and lifted his arm, ducking her head under it to cuddle into him.

“of course” he replied as he held her a little tighter

“it was like electricity flowed through us, it was crazy…my heart was pounding in my chest, I’m surprised he didn’t hear it! It was the most amazing kiss I’ve ever had”

Riley blushed as she buried her face into his chest.

“I didn’t need to hear it…I felt it” he grinned as he lifted her hand in his and placed it over his heart.

“and I want you to know, that if you ever feel anxious, or like your having a bad day, I want you to tell me…I want you to confide in me, because I will ALWAYS be here for you no matter what, if I have to drop a meeting at last minute…I will, if I have to cancel an outing to help you…I will, being queen is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, it may not seem like it from all the pleasantries, but I can tell you right now, it’s the most stressful job to have bestowed upon you, you will need someone to confide in, and I am more than happy to be that someone, whether it be country related or just in our personal lives, I will be here for you no matter what. I love you Riley, I have from the minute I met you” he whispered

“I love you so much” she replied in the same tone.

Liam closed the diary over and placed it back on the side table, then he scooted back down to lay down properly as Riley done the same. The two cuddled together as they fell back to sleep.

 The next morning Riley groaned as she turned over pulling the duvet around her to keep her warm, as she went to cuddled into Liam, she was met with an empty bed, she frowned as her eyes flickered open and seen Liam was gone. Riley sighed as she climbed from the bed, pulling her robe on along with her slippers, then she made her way towards the bathroom, picking up everything she needed for her morning shower on the way. Riley walked in, shutting the door behind her, she removed her slippers then her robe as she turned around, she squealed seeing a very naked Liam in the shower smirking.

“JESUS! FOR GODSAKES LIAM I COULD HAVE KILLED YOU! YOU’RE LUCKY I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING IN MY HANDS TO HIT YOU WITH!”

Liam laughed as he poked his head out. “it was too funny! Your face has literally made my day! will you come join me?” he reached his hand out to her.

Riley agreed as she took his hand and stepped into the shower.

“you’re an asshole! I thought you left me in the middle of the night”

“I told you I wouldn’t leave, I promised!” he laughed as Riley stood under the falling water.

“I know, and I believed you, but then I woke up to an empty bed and I thought you left.” She frowned as she wrapped her arms around his chest.

“hey…” Liam whispered “have I ever broke my promises to you?”

“no”

“then you have no reason to doubt me” he smiled as he leaned down to place a kiss on her head.

[waiting4inspiration]

Just Try XXXI (Alpha!Bucky x Omega!Reader)

Summary: The team show that they’re there to help you and Bucky whenever you need them

Warnings: fluff, fluff, fluff, !!!!, (fair warning for the next part, there’s going to be a time jump)

Just Try Masterlist II Marvel Masterlist

Though you started to fall back into your habits of spending most hours of the day in your lab, it was different this time because of the pups poking at you - literally and figuratively. They would always try and steal as much time for you as they could and you couldn’t deny the attention they sort out. When you were hungry, you couldn’t just eat whatever. It was always specific cravings that left you unsatisfied if you didn’t hunt down what you wanted. 

As they grew bigger and started to use your organs as punching bags, they specifically targeted your bladder. And when you gotta go, you gotta go. Things were getting a bit crowded too. You knew this because whenever you would walk wherever you wanted to be, you’d end up breathing as if you had been running or training with Nat. 

Nevermind the fact that sleeping became a bit of a pain now. The growing bump protruding out your stomach started to get in the way as the weeks went by. Not to mention that since the day the pups made their first appearance with their movements and kicks, it was as if they wanted to make sure that you wouldn’t forget about them. Especially at night. Thankfully, they calmed down when they feel the cool metal of Bucky’s hand. 

One night when neither you nor Bucky could sleep, you could smell slight anxiety in his scent. Running your hand through his hair making his eyes flutter shut at your touch and taking in a deep breath of you calming scent. “What are you nervous about?” you whisper, shifting closer to him as he snakes an arm around your waist. 

“About being a father, I guess,” he mutters, his forehead touching yours as he sighs out. “I’ve done a lot of things in my life and a few of them made me nervous,” he says, a short chuckle following as he shakes his head. “But this tops them all.”

Moving your hand away from his hair, you caress the side of his face. “Nothing compares to starting a pack, Bucky. It is a nerve-wracking thing,” you say, nuzzling his nose lightly. “Trust me, I’m nervous as hell,” you giggle, a smile playing on Bucky’s face as he pulls you closer to him. “And I freak out a little more every time we come to bed because I know that when I wake up the next day, I’m one step closer to my due date.”

Breathing deeply with you, he presses his nose against yours and licks his lips. “How much farther?” he barely whispers out as his hand gently kneads your hip. 

“Well, considering that full term for twins is about 37 weeks,” you start, pausing to quickly calculate the answer only to sigh loudly. “About 12 weeks left.” The answer not only shocks both of you but fills the room with smells of anxiety in your scents. “Hey, it will be fine,” you reassure as Bucky shifts in front of you when the words register in his mine. “Remember, the team will always be there to help us if we need it.”

He shakes his head as his eyes lift back up. As he stares at you, his head starts to nod lightly and you move your face to place your nose in the crook of his neck. “Have you been thinking about names?” he questions, pressing his head against yours as you kiss over the mark on his neck. 

Sighing out, you pull your head away to look at those eyes that make you feel like you’re floating every time. “I’ve always believed that you’ll know what to name them when you look at them for the first time after they’re born,” you explain, smiling down at him when he smiles and chuckles at you. “Why? Do you have something in mind?”

“No, but Nat gave a suggestion this morning for our little girl,” he hums, placing his hand on the side of your stomach. 

Raising an eyebrow at him, you smirk knowing exactly what Nat might have told him. “And did you tell her that she can have the second name?” you question, Bucky chuckling at you and shrugging his shoulder. 

“I told her I’d run it by you first,” he says making you smile before resting your head against his chest. He kisses the top of your head as you shift to snuggle close to him.

The next day while decoding your mother’s notebook, Clint walks into your lab but barely pulls you out of your concentration. He can see that you’re deep in it and knows better than anyone to try and pull you out of it. Instead, he decided to sit and just wait for you, watching you work and frown at the pages in front of you. 

As he does this, his eyes linger on your swollen belly and he thinks of his own mate, Laura. He remembers when she was pregnant with his pups and he can’t help but wonder how he didn’t see the signs of your pregnancy before you told the team. Maybe it was the mission everyone was focusing on that time or maybe it was because he didn’t expect you and Bucky to be so far and so close in your relationship that having pups was on the table. But hey, every relationship and bonded pair is different.

You sigh loudly, dropping your pencil to the table and run a hand through your hair. “Could you stop thinking so loudly, Clint?” you question, turning your head to the alpha sitting a few feet away from you. “I can smell that you’re so deep in thought and it’s distracting.”

He shrugs his shoulders and crosses his arms. “Well, maybe you should give me attention then I’ll leave you alone,” he says, earing a cold glare from you and a few inaudible words as your turn on your chair to face him. “You figure out what your mom was working on yet?”

Biting your lower lip, you glance over at the page briefly before looking back at him. “Yeah, I did. But some things are still a bit hazy,” you explain, pushing yourself up. When Clint tries to rush to help you up, you hold up your hand and give him a thankful smile. “You remember Project Insight from a few years ago?” you question, walking to the blueprints across the room. 

“I only know what Nat told me, but yeah. What about it?” Clint replies, watching you walk across the room. 

You lift your head back up at him. “Well, these plans are like that but about ten times bigger,” you state, tracing your finger over the edge of the blueprints. “With this, HYDRA can wipe out countries in the blink of an eye from any distance,” you explain, glancing over the design on the paper for a second before looking back up at Clint. “That’s why she coded everything. So that they wouldn’t be able to use these plans unless they had her.”

“Or her daughter?” he questions, nodding towards you and making you smile. “HYDRA thought that you could crack her codes and you did. And you didn’t even know her.”

You shrug, folding your arms as you walk back to him. “She gave me enough to figure everything out,” you say, looking at the open notebook on the table. “And a way for me to get to know her. It was her personal journal before she started on these plans. A diary for her pregnancy with me.”

Clint smiles at you when you glance up at him. “Come with me,” he orders, holding out his hand for you. Frowning, you place your hand on his and follow him as he leads you out the lab. “You need to get out of this lab, (Y/n),” he says when you whine in protest as he leads you down the passage. “Gotta start thinking about your pups now.”

Rolling your eyes at him, you fake annoyance but know fully that he’s right. When he reaches his destination, you see Bucky leaning against the wall beside a closed door with a bright smile on his face. This only made your confusion greater as Bucky thanks Clint for getting you here. “What’s going on?” you question, looking between the alpha. 

“Luckily we’ve got the team to help us out when we need the help,” Bucky says, repeating your words from the previous night as he reaches to open the closed door. 

Peering into the room, your hand shoots up to your mouth in shock as you slowly step past the door. Tears flood your vision at the sight of the two cribs against the wall and you run your fingers over the rim of the one containing a light blue blanket. Glancing around the room, you notice a few things you’d like to change in the nursery but most of the things are perfect. 

Looking back at the door, you see the whole team standing with looks of utter pride on each of their faces. “When did this happen?” you question, glancing around the room again as you rest your hands above your chest, feeling your heart beat against your chest. 

“While you were spending so much time in your lab, we were up here,” Bruce states as they filter into the room. “And because it’s directly next to yours and Bucky’s room, we had him on the look-out for you.”

Your head snaps up at the alpha that has now stepped beside you. “You knew about this and didn’t tell me?” you giggle.

He shrugs his shoulders and gently kisses the top of your head. “I thought it would be a nice surprise for you,” he says, glancing the room himself and smiling to him. 

“It was supposed to be a surprise for the both of you,” Steve mentions, folding his arms over his chest and glaring lightly at Bucky. 

“But you can’t sneak around a former Soviet spy,” Tony says, pushing past everyone so that he stands in front of the group. “Now, I think you should know how much everyone did so that you can see how really deserves to be godparents and who doesn’t,” he explains, glancing over at Thor whose eyes just wander around the room in awe. 

You laugh at him and shake your head, hold up your hand as your eyes land on the cribs again. “How did you guys know what to get? I mean, I couldn’t have done a better job myself. Everything is just so…”

“Nest-y?” Wanda questions, stepping forward with her hands folded in front of her. “I just had to imagine what it would be like if I was carrying pups,” she explains nonchalantly with a shrug in her shoulder. “Plus, I may have gotten a glimpse in your mind before setting out.”

Tags: @rororo06 @tephi101 @chameerah @flokidottir-imagines-br @mad4oak @momc95 @lucille-lovely @marvelmenappreciation @ben-wyxtt @spaghettirogers @bookwormmads @veganfangirl5 @wonderlandsdecay @kissakatterna @thewinterwolf @captainamericasbeard @kulteule @collette04 @satellitespidey @marvelgirl7 @bxxbxy @summernykole @ek823 @buckaro0 @gracethegeek9902 @oldspirit @classyunknownlover @sasunarushiita @thelostallycat @animegirlgeeky @brokensunflowersworld @mishameadows @hennessy0274-blog @kxttykatmichael @artemis629 @buckaroobarnes28 @redhairedfeistynerd @mrsalh32611 @3dsaunt @benegrido @lokilover-39 @kat-the-oddity @rainbowkisses31 @amis123love @only-good-sensation @lemondropirwin @crookedslimecreatorpasta @dontneedbiologytoadopt @what-is-a-name-blog @pattys-got-cakes

[gold-from-straw]

Writing Process tag game

Tagged by @gothyringwald! Thank you ^_^

1. What are your favourite genres and/or styles to write in?

I recently discovered I actually LOVE magical realism. I really like world building like that. But most of all I like writing about people and relationships, so within that, anything really

2. What was the last writing project you finished and felt successful with?

I get a total buzz from finishing anything, often because I’m super excited about starting on the next thing! I think Wicked Boys, though - it’s just the first draft that’s finished, but I’m really pleased with how it turned out. The Forest Hotel, as well, I finished that quite a while ago but I still feel really positive about it, which is unheard of for me lol! My friend has finished the front cover art, so hopefully I’ll be able to publish it soon! But the most surprising success was Nature of Trust, because it’s STILL gathering hits and kudos like crazy, it didn’t slow down after I finished uploading, and I can’t even quite figure out why?! I feel like I hit on some magic formula there and I’m fascinated lol!

3. If you have a WiP how do you feel it’s going? What stage are you in?

Oh dear, hold on people. So I’ve got 2 original novels that are about 1/3 the way through. One of them I recently got enthusiastic about again, but I nearly cried when I re-read the first few chapters. They were shit. I’ve convinced myself to move past that - that’s a problem for second draft Lyndsay - and just write the damn thing. 

I’ve got a couple of first drafts that need transcribing so I can upload them - Wicked Boys, which is my current baby, Golden Prince, and Living the Dream (shit, I need to be writing that like now, so I can upload tomorrow...)

I’ve got a Drarry novel which might ACTUALLY turn into an epic re-write of the entire HP series, oops. I’m only on book 1 as well, so... it’s getting there?

There’s a short story I promised my daughter, too, I should really prioritise that...

Oh, yeah, I forgot about Zero Degrees! I have a few extra chapters to add, and a bunch of edits, but I’m hoping to publish that next year

I have too many WIPs!

4. What are your favourite places to write?

I write my first drafts in notebooks (literally because I like buying pretty notebooks...) so I actually end up writing in some lovely places, like a hill where I walk my dog! My dedicated writing place is in a golf club cafe I go to after my karate lesson (random, know), they make the best BLT baguettes, and the old dudes there tease me and ask me when I’m going to write a book about them

5. Do you prefer to write with long hand or type? Or some other method?

If it’s something long I usually write in a notebook, because I kinda like having physical evidence of the VOLUME of shit I write! Also I really like pretty notebooks. Also also, it forces me to finish a first draft - I can’t edit as easily as I can on a laptop. And then when I type it up it forces me to second draft it, I spot things that don’t flow better than if I was just reading through

6. Do you remember your first character? If so can we meet them?

Yes! I used to write stories and pass them around my school, and the first one I wrote was about a girl who lived as a stowaway in a container ship like some pre-teen phantom of the opera on the fucking ocean! I actually don’t know if I ever finished the story, but she was trippy. First story I know for sure that I finished was about a bus crash where one girl nearly dies and her body is taken over by an angel so she can heal. It’s mostly from the POV of the boy who had a crush on her and who goes slightly crazy noticing the similarities and differences between this girl’s character before and after. I mean that was trippy AF too, I’m not even sure what was going on there... I was clearly a little edgelord already...

7. Where do you get your inspiration?

I really don’t know, half the time. Daydreaming. Something will set me off and I’ll take tangent after tangent until BAM, I’m re-writing the story of how my great-grandfather walked half way across Kenya with a donkey and a wooden leg, only now he’s gay and he and his Masai friend rescue a kid from an abusive household.

8. Do you outline a story before writing it, or does it all live in your head until the first draft gets put down?

So much outline. The reason being, I have so many random ideas that if I started all of them I’d go crazy. So instead I have a book full of tangled mind-maps (my header photo is an example), and once they’re outlined there, they can hibernate for years before I get started, but they don’t go away. If I just let them live in my head I’d lose them! I also have a book dedicated to doing character notes, like backstories and random bits of info that will probably never make it into the story but which give me a good idea of who the person is before I try to write them - otherwise they tend to be a bit two dimensional. @salamanderink gave me that idea by asking me loads of questions about some of my Zero Degrees characters!

9. Where do you go/ What do you do when you’re feeling stuck?

I just leave it alone, write something else or absolutely nothing. I don’t try to push it any more. I think I used to, because I was scared of losing momentum, but now I’ve got this backlog of ideas, I know that if I ever run out of inspiration at least I’ve got starting points for loads of new ones! I don’t know if that’ll change in the future, but it seems to be OK for right now. I sometimes change and do a bit of drawing for a while instead, that usually loosens me up

10. What got you started writing/doing Art? (Because I always love origin stories)

I’ve kept a diary since I was 6 or so, on and off, but consistently since I was 11. That just sort of turned into me writing stories, somehow. I remember writing in my diary ‘nothing interesting ever happens so I’m going to write down my daydreams until I get a boyfriend or something’. Then IDK, some of the kids a couple of years below me in high school found some of my stories, and asked if they could share them around, and I started sewing them up to hand out - I’ve still got all of them! Some of them were fucking dark... 

We had a talk by an author one day, and he asked if anyone wanted to be a professional writer. I put my hand up (and got teased by the assholes in my class afterwards, because apparently the boys in my class were actual baby boomers and didn’t think writing was a real job - like mate, you’re 15, what do you care?!) but this dude looked at me with a super intense expression and said ‘never stop writing’. So I didn’t. And I self-pub my original stuff, and get my regular dose of validation on AO3, and writing is my most effective coping mechanism. Tadaa!

Tagging @slytherinvalues, @turned-her-brain, @salamanderink, @elizabethhollowswriting and @soz or whoever else wants to do this and needs to procrastinate as much as I do ;)

[mvssmallow]

Cloudy With A Chance

Part 15: …of skin.

Masterlist

When Hanbin asks him to stay the night, he knows he shouldn’t think anything beyond the actual literal interpretation of the statement.

He’s just going to stay the night.

Like a sleepover, he guesses.

Hanbin takes their jackets to hang on the designated hooks by the door before shuffling past into the apartment. When did he even get a designated hook? Has there always been two?

There’s no answers though because he’s alone, standing in the dim hallway by the front door and only vaguely registering Hanbin moving around on the other side of the wall. He toes off his Nikes and pushes them next to the Winnie The Pooh slippers that are neatly lined up next to all their other pairs of shoes. He’s been absentmindedly jamming his feet into them for weeks but it suddenly dawns on him: Hanbin never actually wears them.

Because they’re not his.

They’re mine.

He got them for me.

Why haven’t I noticed this until now?

Maybe he’s had a lot of experience in dating and fucking around but This? He’s never experienced whatever the hell This actually is. It’s completely foreign territory. Do regular people buy each other house slippers? The last (and only other) person to do that was his mum and that was way back when he was eight years old.

There’s a quiet cough to his left. Hanbin is looking at him with a mixture of shy curiosity and concern. He knows he must look crazy, standing in a dark hallway and staring at a pair of Winnie The Pooh slippers on the floor but if Hanbin thinks it’s weird, he doesn’t say anything about it.

“So um, do you want the first shower? I’ll get some things for you.”

He nods as he slides his feet into the familiar red and yellow fabric. “Uh, yeah okay. I can go first.”

He follows Hanbin down the corridor until they reach the entrance to the one and only bedroom in the apartment. He’s been sent in there once or twice, mainly to grab a phone charger or jacket, but he’s never stayed long enough. Something always stops him at the threshold, like he’s still waiting for the formal invitation, so he just leans on the doorframe and watches Hanbin potter around the room pulling towels and t-shirts out of drawers and setting them down into two neat piles on the bed.

He gets the thought that this is probably the real Hanbin; at home, in a safe familiar environment and doing random domestic things that don’t have any stress or pressure attached to them. It makes him feel weirdly happy and ridiculous at the same time.

“Jiwon?”

“Huh?”

“I said: which one did you want?” Hanbin gives him a frustrated look as he holds out two pairs of pyjama pants. “Dogs or Spaceships?”

“Um, which one are you wearing?”

“Whichever one you won’t. So pick.” Hanbin says impatiently.

“Spaceships.”

There’s relief on Hanbin’s face, even if he’ll never admit to it. “Lucky you, just dodged a bullet there.”

“Why did you even ask?” He laughs.

He knows the Dog pair are Hanbin’s favourite but he’ll play along, not wanting the mood to get awkward and tense because Hanbin has figured out that someone knows a lot of personal things about him now.

“I was trying to be polite.” Hanbin shrugs and folds the Spaceship pair to add to the ‘Jiwon’ pile on the bed. “Do you realise how much stuff you leave here? I found two shirts and a hoodie in my laundry last week. Oh and those jeans with like 20 engine grease stains on them. I don’t even know how they got in there.”

He hmmms in reply, somewhat mesmerised by the way Hanbin just seems to know what he needs without asking, like he’s done this a million times before.

T-shirt. The thinest one possible.

Pyjama pants. The most worn in pair.

Boxers. Not too small.

Towel. The largest one.

Toothbrush. The softest one.

The whole thing grabs at his heart, like a warm fist squeezing with just enough force to leave a mark but not a scar. Enough to remind him that he’s truly alive but not enough to kill him (yet).

“Sorry about the Disney toothbrush, my sister likes them. She’s going through a phase.”

“Yeah because what would a grown man be doing with all this Disney?” He says, pretending to be serious.

Hanbin rolls his eyes and walks over to shove the pile of clothes into his hands. “Go shower, you’re all gross and sweaty.”

“You act it like you don’t love it.” He says with a smirk, closing the bathroom door just as Hanbin thinks of a retort.

“I don’t!” Comes the indignant voice from the other side of the door.

There’s apple shampoo and body wash that reminds him of the ocean. His towel has Hanbin’s name on the tag and the toothbrush has The Little Mermaid’s face on it. It’s only a shower but it’s overwhelming in a way; being in Hanbin’s apartment, smelling like him, wearing his clothes, it’s all just Hanbin Hanbin Hanbin all over his skin and everywhere he looks. He doesn’t really know how to feel about it but figures cold water will fix whatever thoughts his stupid mind is about to give him.

When he’s done, he stands in front of the bathroom mirror and wonders if the way he feels on the inside translates to a change that can be seen on the outside. He hopes not. There’s no way he’s got enough energy to deal with Hanbin freaking out tonight, even if it’s in a good way.

The bathroom door is barely open when he feels Hanbin brushing past him. “If you used up all my hot water, I’m making you sleep on the couch without a blanket.”

Wait. What? He wasn’t sleeping on the couch in the first place?

The door to the bathroom clicks shut and once again, he’s alone in a dim corridor, this time staring at a closed door, still trying to answer impossible questions and definitely not thinking about what Hanbin is doing on the other side. But right on cue, the fog creeps back in, it’s the one that gives him flashes of Hanbin’s mouth and neck and….

Oh My God, stop it Jiwon.

He shakes his head violently, as if it’ll somehow dislodge all the unhelpful thoughts (it really doesn’t).

At least he’s got something new to distract himself with now: what to do about Hanbin’s bedroom. He leans against the doorframe again, feeling vaguely apprehensive about just walking into a place that’s so private and so protected. Though, he reasons, the door was left wide open and Hanbin never actually told him to wait anywhere else.

Letting out an uncertain breath, he crosses the threshold into the room. There’s no rushing in and out this time. He can just stop and look.

It’s neat, like the rest of the apartment, and the beige walls are punctuated by the odd photograph and old art reprints (he recognises the water lily one). There are pockets of chaos where Hanbin has left notebooks, pens and research papers in a small piles on the ground, like crumbs leading to his desk-a big solid wooden black structure with Hanbin’s silver MacBook laying across it. There’s also a phone plugged into it’s charger. A battered copy of Murakami. A small potted fern by the window that overlooks the street between the apartment blocks. And a diary with meeting times and phone numbers of people to call on Monday. On first appearances, it’s a table that belongs to a responsible working adult but it’s all the little things he notices that say the most about Hanbin:

Like the faded Mickey Mouse stickers on the desk lamp. And how Evangelionnights are always highlighted in his diary. And how Thursdays always get a small “J-Late Shift” noted in the corner. Or how there are photo frames on the desk but all the photos are of his little sister and the family dog. There’s a black Batman notebook laying open on the table, the flyer for tonights Mic Night is already stuck on one of the pages, that makes him smile. He picks up the copy of Murakami and flips through it, stopping only when he gets to the crumple movie ticket that was being used as the bookmark.

The Secret Life Of Pets.

He can’t believe Hanbin would save something like that. Especially when it was from the same night that they had their first big fight. He’s surprised by how sentimental it makes him feel. Like someone just came out of nowhere and pushed him off a cliff. He doesn’t want to get dramatic about it but he feels like he’s in the deep end of the ocean, so deep that his feet don’t even touch the ground anymore.

Oh My God, what the hell is wrong with you? You turn into a poet? Get a grip, loser.

But there’s nowhere else to look, it’s either the table or the bed. And that bed isn’t just a bed. It isn’t really just a place to sleep. He knows it means trust and safety and it’s the one place where he will wait for an actual invitation. The plain cotton sheets aren’t exactly what he was expecting (or are they? he’s not sure) but they look soft, lived-in and comfortable. There are three pillows, two white ones to match the sheets and one with the Bat symbol all over it, squashed underneath the other two, like a puppy hiding at a dog convention.

You’re going crazy Jiwon. You’ve actually lost your damm mind.

Okay. Okay. The safest bet is to just avoid looking at anything else in the room so he wanders over to sit on the window sill and scroll through the rest of the unread messages on his phone. A lot of congratulations texts but there’s one message from a number he doesn’t really recognise….asking him about Hanbin. He doesn’t realise how hard he’s frowning until a voice startles him back to reality.

“What’s wrong?”

He looks up, taking in how young Hanbin looks when he’s not at work or dressed up to go out. Just wet hair, t-shirt and old dog pyjamas. It’s his favourite version. He’s just decided.

“No nothing, just checking my messages. A whole bunch of drunk ones I can’t read.”

“Oh yeah? You should let me read them for you. I get badly written texts every morning.”

“Hey! I skip vowels to save time, there’s a difference.” He points out.

“And yet you’re always late.” Hanbin says with that damm dimple smile.

There’s a pause then. He thinks about asking which side of the bed he gets to sleep on but instead, he just watches Hanbin go from drawer to drawer, folding shirts that are already folded. It goes on for few minutes until he’s sure that yep, Hanbin is definitely stalling and avoiding getting anywhere near the bed.

“Hey, you wanna sleep now? I’m kinda tired.” He says it as casually as he can, not knowing how far things might go, if they go anywhere at all.

Hanbin doesn’t meet his eyes. Not really. Just looks up once…twice….then stares out the window behind him. “Oh. Yeah. Okay.”

They both get to the edge of the bed and if he thought they had awkward moments before, they’ve definitely broken the world record now.

“Um. So. Which side do you sleep on?” Hanbin asks, staring at the pillows the entire time.

“The one closest to the door. That okay?”

“Yeah, it’s okay. You can have it. If we get attacked, you can die first.”

“Is that why you keep me around?”

“Obviously.”

They both chuckle to themselves before gingerly climbing into the bed. He waits for Hanbin to settle in before turning off the lamp on the bedside table. The darkness seems to put Hanbin at ease because his voice suddenly floats into the empty air above them.

“Are you disappointed by how tonight turned out?”

“No, not really. I kinda knew Mino would win. I’ve been out of the game for too long.”

He feels Hanbin rolling over. “No I mean like, are you disappointed by how we turned out?”

He turns to face the direction of Hanbin’s voice, he can’t see much but he feels those eyes on him. “No. Why would I be disappointed? Got into your bed didn’t I?” He laughs, trying to relieve some of the tension in the air.

“You know what I mean. Are you disappointed? And don’t lie. Just tell me.”

“I’m not! I’m not here for that. I mean, okay, if you wanna do that then I’m definitely not going to say no but it’s fine if you don’t. Seriously. I’m not disappointed. I never even thought I’d get this far to be honest.”

“Really?”

“Yeah really. It took me, what, three months to kiss you? We’re not exactly going for a land speed record here.”

“But does it annoy you? Waiting? I’m not doing it to piss you off. I just….I don’t know. I’m just waiting I guess. I don’t even know what for.”

There’s a heavy sigh that follows. One that he’s used to hearing and used to staying quiet for.

“It’s not you okay? It’s not that. It just doesn’t feel like the right time. It sounds so stupid out loud. Like I’m waiting for this cliche perfect time. I’m not. There’s no such thing as the perfect time. I’m know that. So….basically, I’m just sorry okay? I’m so bad at this. I don’t even know what I’m saying. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

He finds the edges of Hanbin’s t-shirt under the sheets and uses it to pull the other body into his chest. “Come here. I am completely fine with it, okay? God. Give me some credit. I do actually have other thoughts in my head apart from that.”

“That sounds like a lie.” Hanbin says with a sad laugh but shifts closer against him. “But thanks for lying.”

“I’m not lying!” He exclaims. “Okay…..I’m lying a little bit. But you’re really really, unfairly, hot. It’s not normal Hanbin. Some idiot at the club actually asked me if I could hook you guys up and I swear to god, I almost punched him in the face.”

“What?” Hanbin asks with a laugh. “Did you?”

“No, of course not. I wanted to though.” He groans after that, realising how stupid the story is. “Ahh, can we just blame everything I just said on alcohol?”

“It’s okay. I kinda had a bit too much at the club too.”

“Next time you get wasted make sure I’m around okay? You shouldn’t trust these rapper guys, they’re all kinda shady and probably just out to get you.”

“Bit late with the warning aren’t you? I’m already in bed with one.”

He buries his face into Hanbin’s neck. “Yeah and he’s really fucking happy to be here.”

“He sure about that?”

“Yeah he’s sure.”

There’s plenty of things he loves about this crazy guy in his arms; the unpredictability, the almost crippling shyness juxtaposed with the occasional sharp burst of confidence, how surprisingly practical and smart he is….the list goes on and on but if he’s going to be shallow about it, he really loves how Hanbin is just that tiny bit smaller than he is. Like someone just photocopied the original version and made it 5% shorter and thinner so he could fit neatly into Kim Jiwon’s body.

It’s one of the first things he notices after Hanbin falls asleep first, face pressed right up against his chest and one fist bunch up in his t-shirt. He’s sure that June and Yoyo are laughing about how sappy and lame he’s gotten with age but he’d take this over meaningless faces any day.

*****

He rolls over slowly, the hand that was on his back doesn’t move, just drags against his skin and settles against the left hip bone that juts out because his pyjamas pants are so low slung and a size too big.

It tickles and makes him squirm against Jiwon’s shoulder.

“Ah!”

There’s a low pitched chuckle as Jiwon’s hand leaves his hip to rest on his chest. There are lips pressed against the back of his neck and he feels the words more than he hears them.

“Sorry baby. Go back to sleep.”

It comes out even deeper and rougher than it did at the club last night, making his hair stand on end and all the blood in his head drain south.

He tries, he tries really hard, to sleep again but it’s impossible, especially because Jiwon’s hand never leaves him alone.

It starts off just resting on his chest, keeping him anchored in place, but soon enough, he feels it’s heavy weight dragging down the front of his body, fingers catching every rib and bump along the way until they finally stop at his right hip bone.

There they stay, the warm fingertips just softly drawing circles against his skin and every so often, working their way up under his t-shirt.

It’d be fine, comforting even, if he wasn’t already completely worked up inside. His breathing is erratic, suddenly too loud, and he panics when he realises that Jiwon is definitely not asleep at all.

It’s at the 9th or 10th rib when Jiwon suddenly shifts closer and he feels it. The unmistakable, unavoidable and completely insistent hard pressure of a cock against the back of his thigh.

The accidental contact has him gasping out in surprise but his body grinds back on it, completely out of his control. The deep raw groan that comes out of Jiwon’s mouth will probably haunt him forever.

“FUCK.”

It wasn’t really a word but a long drawn out sentence, pressed right into his skin, so thick and heavy with want that he thinks he can actually feel the letters sinking in like a tattoo.

“Sorry. It kinda just…”

“It’s okay. I….I don’t mind.” He interjects, not wanting to hear an apology right now. He’s not sure if Jiwon is surprised or asleep because there’s no response for a few seconds. He gets anxious in the silence and ends up rolling onto his back until he’s half caged under Jiwon’s right arm and staring up at the most endearingly confused and conflicted face he’s ever seen.

He reaches out to touch it. “Hey? It’s okay. Umm, you can keep going if you want?”

Jiwon looks down at him and either Hanbin’s mind has lost itself or he’s having a stroke because he swears he can see the moment those eyes change from confusion into dark hunger.

“Do you…want me to?”

“Yeah I want you to.”

The kiss that comes completely overwhelms, overpowers and immobilizes him. He’s pressed into the mattress, drowning in the warm depths of Jiwon’s mouth, completely powerless and not even caring. His fingers dig painfully into Jiwon’s tattooed forearms. There’s a grunt or groan in his ear but he’s not sure if it’s from pleasure, pain or both.

He’s glad they’re already in bed because he’s getting dizzy from either hyperventilating or not breathing fast enough. By the time Jiwon’s hot mouth sucks at his neck, he’s ready to just black out and go to Hell.

“Fuck babe….fuck…”

He can hear Jiwon muttering to himself like a madman who has lost all sense of control. This will be the most important thing he learns about Jiwon today: that he has no filter or restraint in the mornings. And right on cue, that hard cock grinds against his ass.

There’s a deep guttural groan mixed in with his desperate cries. It doesn’t even sound human. Maybe because it’s not.

“You sound so good.” Jiwon murmurs into his ear. “I wanna touch you. Can I touch you?”

“Yeah…okay…” He breathes out, not entirely sure what’s really coming but wanting it either way.

Jiwon sits up abruptly, taking off his t-shirt and throwing it on the floor before just kneeling over him. He wants to say something, like how they always seem to in a movie, but he can’t think of anything so he just stares at all the dark lines etched across miles of perfect golden skin.

Jiwon smiles at him, reaching down to brush the hair out of his eyes before tugging at the hem of his t-shirt.

“Do you want this off? You’re gonna get too hot.”

He nods but holds onto the shirt. “I’m not…I don’t….”

Look anything like you.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Jiwon says gently, coaxing the t-shirt out of his fingers before pulling it over his head and throwing it on the floor.

He drags his arm over his eyes, not really wanting to know what Jiwon’s face looks like right now, seeing him half-naked for the first time. He half expected Jiwon to pull his arm away, demanding eye contact before saying something lame and cliche.

But he doesn’t. There’s just a kiss against his arm and a soft, “You are fucking amazing…”

A warm hand runs slowly down his chest again, every centimetre lower causing his heart rate to spike faster and faster until all the blood is thundering in his ears.

There’s a pause as the fingers reach the band of his pyjamas. “You want this off too?”

He bites his bottom lip, blushes hot but nods anyway.

It’s suddenly cold as Jiwon’s pulls the pants off him and for a few seconds, nothing happens. He doesn’t have to see to know that eyes are raking over his body. He definitely doesn’t want to know what Jiwon thinks now. He feels completely naked- literally, figuratively, emotionally…whatever else there is left to feel.

That warm mouth is at his neck again, fingers now rubbing roughly at his overly sensitive nipples.

“Ahh…..fuck. Jiwon! I need to-”

His left hand goes to grip the base of his hard cock but Jiwon catches his wrist.

“No. Don’t do that baby.”

“But I want to!” He whines loudly, without caring how desperate he sounds.

“I know you do.” His hand is replaced by Jiwon’s firm grip, it’s solid and possessive, confident even it the way it holds him. For the second time, he feels powerless under the intense gaze that burns into his skin and the strong hands that can break him apart if they wanted to. He thought he’d be scared but the fear……the fear comes hand in hand with the danger and that just gets him even harder.

He’s leaking in Jiwon’s hand as it works up and down, tight but slow. The entire room is filled with wet obscene sounds mixed with his desperate cries and Jiwon’s sympathetic murmurs.

“Jiwon….Jiwon…..I need to I need to…”

“I know baby. Just a bit longer. I want to watch you like this….”

He groans loudly in frustration. “No! I can’t!”

The hand grips him tighter then and starts a faster, rougher and altogether ruthless pace that has him gasping for air.

“So…good….” He half sighs-half moans. “You’re so good.”

The heat builds up inside his belly way too suddenly, causing him dig bruises into Jiwon’s arms and cry out again. “Jiwon! I’m going to-”

“You want to cum?”

“YES”

Jiwon sucks at his neck even harder. “Cum for me baby.”

The release tears a disgustingly depraved moan out of him as he cums all over Jiwon’s fingers and gets swallowed back into that hot mouth again.

When he’s come back down to earth, he’s completely spent and heavy but light at the same time. There’s not a single thought inside his head that doesn’t start and end with Jiwon’s name.

****

He watches Hanbin cum all over his fingers, loud and unrestrained. Lips bitten raw, so red and swollen that he can’t help drawing them back into his mouth.

When he’s done, there’s a long blissful sigh as Hanbin collapses against the mattress, breathing heavily and letting his eyes adjust to the light again.

Despite everything that just happened and the fact that his hand is coated in cum, all he really wants to do is gather Hanbin in a blanket and take him somewhere where they can be exactly like this forever.

Hard as fuck and you’re getting sentimental again. What the hell, Jiwon?

He grabs tissues from the bedside table and cleans his hand to distract himself.

It’s quiet for a few minutes and he’s wondering if Hanbin’s fallen back asleep. But he hasn’t.

“Jiwon?”

“Yeah?”

Hanbin is snuggled against his side, hand idly inching towards the hard cock straining in his pyjamas.

“Do you want me to-”

“Only if you want to.” He says, trying to keep his voice even when it’s anything but.

“I want to. But….can you close your eyes too?”

There’s a million protests inside his head because if there’s one kink he’s already discovered, it’s that he loves to watch and watching Hanbin cum is better than watching porn. But at the same time, he’d be stupid to fuck this up now. “Yeah okay.”

He pulls off the spaceship pyjamas and lays back against the pillows, eyes closed but feeling Hanbin’s heavy gaze on him.

The hand that grips the base of his cock is maybe experimental at first but the longer it’s there, the firmer the grip gets. And what comes next has him swearing so loudly that the neighbours probably heard it.

Wet, soft and heavy. It’s the unmistakable feeling of a tongue dragging across the head of his cock.

“AHH FUCK! What the fuck….”

His hands find Hanbin’s hair, pulling at it with rough desperation that he’ll apologise for later but if he was expecting protests, he wasn’t getting any. All it does is makes Hanbin swallow down more of him, inch by aggravating inch.

“I knew it. I knew it. I fucking knew it.”

The hand at the base of his cock starts moving as the hot tongue glides and swirls around him, filling the room the sound of wet hunger.

He thought he’d be able to hold on for longer without the visuals but Hanbin’s mouth is either the gateway to Heaven or Hell because the climax builds up way too fast and way too unexpectedly.

“Babe…babe! Fuck…..” He tugs at Hanbin’s hair in warning but another hand reaches up to push it away.

He cums in Hanbin’s mouth with a loud string of fucks and 5 months worth of frustrated groans before falling back against the pillows, vision hazy and dark as he sees bursts of stars behind his eyes.

When he’s vaguely coherent, he watches as Hanbin sits up, eyes still heavy and dark, lips red and swollen, hair a mess, and wiping his mouth like the cat that got all the cream.

It’s almost enough to get him hard again.

“What the hell…..you could’ve done that the whole time?”

Hanbin has the audacity to blush faintly as he lays back down against his chest. “I don’t know. Was it okay?”

“Was it okay?” He asks in disbelief. “Yeah babe, it was okay. If you call making me black out okay.”

“Is that good or bad?”

He hugs Hanbin against him and kisses the top of his head, thanking whichever God let him have this whole ridiculous thing. “It’s good baby. It’s all good. Everything about you is good.”

“Thanks for staying.”

“Thanks for letting me.”

****

The next time he wakes up there’s still a birdsong in the air. The sheets are still warm. Jiwon’s skin is smooth and soft under his fingers. The afternoon sun casts a golden light into his bedroom.

He lays there, just listening to Jiwon breathing as his fingers trace across the tiger and rose tattoo. He finds the crooked one, the one Jiwon never wanted to get fixed because it reminded him of them.

He gets it now. He gets it.  

He doesn’t believe in perfection, true happiness might be a myth and contentment might not even exist but right there and then, he’s pretty sure he’s laying in the middle of all three.