#vegas (bible) saying 'hell yeah' in the second one

[boysbeloving]

The bike of home wrecking AKA the bike of Kinn's nightmares AKA Vegas' red bike 🙃

The KinnPorsche Anniversary Event

week 2 (april 10 - april 16): favourite supporting character(s)

[ittlebitz]

10 QL People That I Want Carnally

I was tagged by @sunshinesanctuary

Thank you, bebe, this was fun! I know the original call is for 10, but I never saw a limit I didn't want to challenge. Whatever, whatever, I do what I want. So, in no particular order:

1. Inspector M - Manner of Death (Great Sapol)

Look at him. LOOK. AT. HIM. Absolutely adorable and also hot as hell. He can slap those cuffs on me any time he pleases. If he stands still long enough I will most definitely climb him like a tree (and that goes double for Great himself tbh).

2. Jang Jaeyoung - Semantic Error (Park Seoham)

Yeah, yeah, he's cocky and a bit of a slacker, but he is also smart, talented, and let's be real, a grade A simp. Don't get me started on that lip piercing...

3. Choi Jun - Jun & Jun (Ki Hyun Woo)

Like, they gave me this man's bare back within the first 30 seconds of the first episode, was I not supposed to get thirsty?

4. Yi Phayak Chatdecha Chen - Naughty Babe (Max Kornthas)

Ah, Hia Yi. Wealthy, handsome, super overprotective of his beloved. Bit of a control freak but not ashamed of giving up control in the bedroom. Love that for him (me).

5. Phaya - The Sign (Billy Patchanon)

Look, I am a simple woman. I just want him to put his hand around my throat, pin me, and call me a good girl. I don't think that's asking for too much.

6. Patts - La Pluie (Pee Peerawich)

My beloved. He was just so good, you know? He has a good job and loves animals. He dresses nicely and charms the parents. And then a total lover in between the sheets. Let the rain come down.

7. Payu - Love In The Air (Boss Chaikamon)

I'm pretty sure this man was singularly responsible for the meltdown of several of my brain cells. His looks, his demeanor, his dominance, his *gestures vaguely* everything, you know?

8. Jeng Kittiphong - Step By Step (Man Trisanu)

I know for a fact that I was not the only one who had their brain short circuit during this scene. I am willing to hold a towel for him and even help him wipe down after working out. I am also willing to work him out (wink wonk).

9. Fighter - Why R U (Zee Pruk)

Oh my god but he was so cute. The hot guy everybody wanted who had no idea how to act when he had a crush on a pretty boy. You just KNOW he kisses like an absolute dream. Also, when he was crying during the breakup scene I was ready to fly to Thailand and start throwing hands, I don't even care.

10. Bai Zongyi - Kiseki: Dear To Me (Taro Lin)

My guilty pleasure entry. Yes, I know he's a young'un and I should be ashamed but he has those giant yaoi paws (that scene where he is holding both of Zherui's hands with just one of his absolutely makes my teeth sweat) and obviously likes manhandling his crush/lover at any given opportunity. Plus he is a professional baker? Sign me UP.

11. Pisaeng- Be My Favorite (Gawin Caskey)

This is a guy who will cherish you with everything he has and will be a romantic sap about it. (I knew Gawin would be on this list, I just had to determine which role I chose...honestly he could have been on here multiple times)

12. Maya - Laws of Attraction (Silvy Pavida)

She can sing, she can dance, she can be a double agent performing espionage, and she is sooooooo hot it almost hurts to look at her. All I am saying is she can step on me and I will thank her profusely.

13. Neur - Cutie Pie (Tutor Koraphat)

This man showed up fully intending to Cause Problems On Purpose and ended up simping for the quiet, shy, devout member of the friend group he inserted himself into, and we were all of us better for it. Satu. 🙏

14. Babe - Pit Babe (Pavel Phoom)

He's the top (ha!) racer, an alpha, and also 100% babygirl. One smirk from him and I am on my knees. Don't worry about me, though, I'm doing just fine. (I will say that I never thought I would see omegaverse on my screen and yet here we are in this year of our lord)

15. Vegas Theerapanyakul - KinnPorsche (Bible Wichapas)

My problematic meow meow. He's a gangster. He's a killer. He's a sadist into whips, chains, and torture, not necessarily in that order. He's got a bit of a case of little brother syndrome. And I adore him, faults and all.

Aaaaannnddd okay! So, I could likely absolutely keep going, but I think I am going to tap out while I still have at least some dignity left after exposing myself as the thirsty bitch that I am. I've lost track of who all has already done this, so I am not tagging anyone in particular. If you decide to do this, tag me and let me know so we can thirst together!

[sourbat]

Magseth 35 or 48

shackles 

warning: language; implied sexual content 

“Just you wait and see, Seth,” Magnus chimes with a low hum. He flops onto the cheap hotel bed, folds his long arms behind his head and utters another hectic cackle.

Seth merely glances at the reflection and can tell there’s no point in trying to butt-in once Magnus gets started. He waits for the opportune moment, when Magnus is done devising his fantastical conspiracies, then meets his stare in the mirror and says, “Right, Mags.”

“We’re so close.” Magnus kicks off a boot. “I’ve made the calls. Spoken with the man.”

“Uh-huh.”

Another boot flies into the air. In the reflection, Seth watches as Magnus jerks about, trying and failing to relax. It’s always a sight to behold. Seth’s seen some passionate men, but Magnus puts it to a whole other level. His wild hair drapes over each sharp, frantic movement, and once he catches Seth’s curious stare, misinterprets it as similar, unhinged interest. “He’s going to meet with us real soon.”

Seth nods at the reflection. “Sure ‘ting, Mags.”

“We’ll have Dethklok where we want them!” Magnus declares with a near crazed yell. He curls himself back up, sitting upright and following Seth’s movement as he breaks from the mirror. “I’ll finally…we’ll–”

Seth circles around the bed, not minding the groans of old springs that he’s since grown accustomed to. No hotel bed can compare to the plush mattresses of his glory days, but Seth finds comfort in knowing he’s sharing his bed with better company.

“We’ll get our revenge, yeah?” Seth finishes, plastering a cocky grin that riles up the taller of two, gets Magnus crawling to the edge of the bed, slipping away and reappearing behind Seth the moment he slides the closet shut.

Long fingers curl and dig into Seth’s shoulder. “I’ll make your brother pay.”

Seth feels the longing under the pressure, though he can’t say whether it’s for him, or for revenge.

It’s admittedly getting harder to tell with Magnus.

Seth glances down at the remains of the cheap suits he’s wearing, thinks of a time where he’d have maids throw Versace tops that had stains on them from a life of overabundance, and when it flashes to now, to Magnus breathing up his neck and telling him he’ll make him feel like a man again, Seth admits to himself that it’s getting harder for him to tell what he wants more.  

There was a time where he’d obsessed over the prospects of getting his revenge on the band; more specifically, the woman Pickles hired to accost and tempt his now ex-wife. A nasty divorce and powerful lawyers left Seth with hardly anything, A few days later, he received a call from Mordhaus letting him know Amber and her lesbo-girlfriend were going to be handling Australia from here on end.

Revenge consumed his mind back then. Other thoughts, too. It was right about when Seth received his farewell basket from Dethklok, and those darker thoughts began to seep out the cracks of his broken mind, did Magnus appear before him. Right out of the shadows, and donning a handsome grin that reminded Seth of the bible. Something about the devil being handsome. Couldn’t remember the whole saying, but Seth could tell just by looking at him he was nothing but trouble, and considering Dethklok’s gift basket came with a loaded gun, was thankful Magnus had arrived just in the nick of time.

For a while, their obsession for revenge kept them together. They’d bitch and gripe about how Dethklok always had it easy, how much harder they had to work just to get some meager scraps of validation, only to have the band proceed to fuck the while they were down. Seth laughed when Magnus told him about the knife, and Magnus laughed at recited childhood memories starring a smaller, weaker Pickles. Seth told Magnus of his dream to win Amber back, to get back at that bitch Abigail. Seth told Magnus he didn’t even need Amber, because all women were disloyal anyways, so what was the point. Seth told Magnus not to worry about the gray, because it made him look cool. The eye made him look intimidatin’. No shirt? No problem. 

Then something happens. Nine months pass, and neither of them are any closer than when they started. Sure, Mags gets a call from some unknown number, and if Seth is lucky, he catches a few words of the harsh graveled voice on the other line while Magnus takes notes and directions. They drive around to various states, pick up some folks so shady Seth spends the remainder of the drive eyeing the glove compartment with the hunting knife in it, preparing for the worst. They drop off the spooks in some undisclosed location, meet with even spookier names and faces that Seth can’t believe are real, and then they start all over. 

“What’s wrong?” Magnus breathes the words into Seth’s neck. Hands slide under the bottom of his faded shirt, and the same probing fingers from before consume Seth’s senses. Magnus purrs a loving noise into his ear. “Come on,” he says, “tell me what you plan on doing with those women…”

He hasn’t thought about Amber for days. Hard to think about some useless woman when he’s got the dictionary definition of “tall, dark and handsome” tasting every inch of him whenever he has the chance. Weirdly enough, it's the same handsome fellow that’s making him think of her in the first place. 

But that’s the problem, now. It’s almost been a year, and now Seth is over the divorce. He’s done thinking about whatever the hell Amber and that girlfriend of her’s are up to, and he’s sure as shit doesn’t want to think about them running Dethklok Australia. He doesn’t want to think about anything related to Dethklok. He’s sick of Dethklok, and if it weren’t for Magnus’ unyielding obsession, would have told the guy to “give it up,” and with the rest of their money, drive their asses Vegas. He wants to take Magnus to see his favorite burlesque show, use the rest of his money on a nice dinner, and maybe have a nasty threesome.

He doesn’t want to spend the last of his draining account recruiting stooges. He doesn’t want to spend another dime on Dethklok.

Hands wrap around Seth’s lanky waist. “Seth.”

Another blink, and Seth feels the weight of the band pressing against his back, but when he blinks a second time, realizes it’s only Magnus holding on to him.  Slightly shaken, Seth shudders. “Take the lead, Mags,” he says through closing eyes. “Yer, uhh, really getting’ me rollin’. Keep talkin’ about what yer going to do with that Euro-dood.”

Magnus won't. Won't, or maybe can’t, but whatever the case, the guy’s obsessed with Dethklok to the extreme. Magnus talks about their rabid fans, but doesn’t see the irony when he spends late nights ranting about how he was wronged, how shitty each member is, how he’s got to get his revenge on them, gotta finalize his plans. He doesn’t seem to mind spending what little he has all in the name of revenge. Revenge for Dethklok. Seth’s asked a few times what those plans were, but never got a straight answer from Mags. It was then he knew he couldn’t say anything at all, because Magnus didn’t have a plan, and the second Seth dared to bring it up, risked losing the only thing that was currently keeping them together.

Not revenge… 

“Soon, Seth,” Magnus sighs lovingly into Seth’s ear. His arms return around Seth’s waist, wrapping him into a gentle embrace. “Everything you wanted will come to fruition soon. I’ll make it happen.”

Seth says nothing, but gives a sound that Magnus takes for a sigh. He draws closer, taking blankets and sheets with him. Magnus gives Seth an affectionate squeeze, one that makes him want nothing more than to see Magnus happy, but also sends another dreaded shudder at the press of his hands, and is reminded of the shackles that keep Magnus locked in place.

The very thing he wants nothing to do with.

The only thing holding them together.

Dethklok.

[imagining-supernatural]

The Backstory

Part 15 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary: You and Sebastian sit down and you finally tell him about your past

Word Count: 1,757

HGTV was playing in the background, but neither you nor Seb were paying attention. You were curled together in the recliner with a heavy blanket over your legs. He still had a few hours before he had to head out to his interview with Jimmy Fallon, so this was the best time to tell him about your past. Enough time that he could process everything and not be too burdened during his interview, but not enough time that the two of you would drag out every damn detail. There were parts that you wouldn’t tell him, but most of it, you wanted him to know.

You just had to figure out how to start.

“You grew up in Wyoming, right?” He prompted, as if sensing that you were stuck before you had even begun.

“Yeah.” You sighed heavily, shoring up your courage. “It was just me, my sister, and my parents. If I have any cousins or aunts, I don’t know about them. My, uh, my dad was… you know what? I’m just gonna say everything really quick to get it all out there. I think that’ll be easier.”

He nodded, rubbing his hand along your spine. You tucked your head into his neck, hoping that the lack of eye contact would make it even easier.

“Alright. Ever since I can remember, my dad has been an alcoholic. Abusive too, but I didn’t realize until later. He took out most of it on my mom and sister, since she was older. But then, uh, my sister, Eliza, moved out when she turned sixteen and it was just me and my mom.”

“How old were you?” he asked in a pained whisper.

“Eight. She’s eight years older than me. He died when our house caught fire when I was sixteen. Cigarette left burning. His fault.” Your voice broke on the last two words, but you powered through. “Luckily mom was in lockup for the night for drunk and disorderly or something and I was staying with Jaz. That was… it’s fucked up to say, but that was the best day of my life.”

His hand moved up your back and settled on the back of your head, holding you closer. That simple action drew a wave of tears to your eyes that had you blinking quickly, trying to hold them back. God, you didn’t deserve him.

Remembering the truth of that day… you really didn’t deserve him.

“Um, so that left me and my mom. She… She was an alcoholic too, but more of a neglectful alcoholic. Thank god for Jasmin and her family. I don’t know what I would have done without them. They kept me alive and sane until I was old enough to get a job and basically support myself a few months after my dad died. I thought it was over, then. Up until then, my family was just that trash family that other people in town gossiped about to feel better about themselves. I got some pitying looks, and that was it.

“Then my sister went and got arrested. Everyone expected me to take in her two sons when she was convicted and sentenced to life in prison.”

“What did she do?”

A bitter laugh escaped your throat. “Fucking murdered her boyfriend. Abused her kids. Assaulted a police officer. She… she didn’t have a friend like Jaz. Or a support system like Jaz’s family. But that’s still no excuse. None at all. They’re her kids. She knew what it was like to grow up being a punching bag. She…” In an effort to control your budding anger, you took a deep breath and turned your face into Seb’s neck for a second, letting his familiar scent calm you.

“So when she was sentenced to twenty-five to life, the entire town assumed I would adopt the kids. I mean, they were my nephews and all, but everyone was acting like it was my responsibility to raise them. But… But I was barely eighteen. I couldn’t even take care of myself and I didn’t want to put them in a position where I—where I might snap like she did. It wasn’t fair to them. And they were young enough that they were adopted fairly quickly and now they’re with some family down in Georgia growing up with cute little Southern accents. Their parents send me letters sometimes. Pictures too. The boys are happy. And I know I made the right decision, but if you listen to what everyone else said, then you’d start thinking I was a selfish bitch who didn’t respect family values as if they’d all forgotten the kind of values my family taught me. I-I-I know I made the right choice. They’re happy. So fuck what everyone else thought.”

“People make far too many judgments based on far too few facts,” Sebastian whispered against your hair.

“And far too many assumptions,” you mumbled.

He held you in silence for a few minutes, just stroking your hair.

“You know what the worst thing someone said to me was?” You asked a bit later, after your heartbeat had calmed down from its angry beating. “When word got out that I had cancer, someone from my hometown told me that God gave me cancer as punishment for not adopting my nephews. For thinking someone else could raise them better than their own blood. Years later and they still couldn’t let it go.”

Not that they were entirely wrong. Your cancer might have been punishment from God, but not because you didn’t adopt your nephews. There were far worse things you’d done.

“That’s—” He couldn’t even find a word to describe how that made him felt. And you completely understood.

“Rude? Horribly offensive? Fucking ignorant? Welcome to small town Wyoming where the bible rules and if you say you’ve never shot a gun you’ll be shunned until you do.”

“Fuckin’ hell, sweetie, that’s… God that’s horrible.”

“People suck,” you said simply. “I just… I wanted you to know. You know, in case this shit hits the news or whatever. And also… Also, I just wanted you to know. I wanted to tell you. Regardless.”

He slid his hand to your chin and tilted your head up until you were falling into his blue eyes. “Thank you, Y/N. Thank for telling me; trusting me.”

“Thank you for being someone who doesn’t suck,” you responded in a weak effort to lighten the mood.

You only had a second to register his soft smile before he leaned forward and brushed his lips against your cheek. “I always knew you were strong. I mean, to go through cancer treatment like this… but now?” His thumb rubbed against your cheek, nearly touching your lips. Your eyes closed at his touch, face leaning into his palm. “Sweetheart, I think you’re the strongest person I think I’ve ever met.”

Just as you were about to argue his statement, he leaned forward again. This time his lips brushed just at the corner of your mouth and lingered, wiping away every single word you’d ever known. He finally pulled away a hairsbreadth and the air between you two was super-charged. All it would take was a tilt of your head and you’d be kissing him properly.

But you couldn’t do it. You just couldn’t.

After a moment more, he drew back, pausing only to press his lips to your forehead briefly. “So, your sister and mom are still alive?”

“No.” Your voice was surprisingly strong. Barely wavering. “My sister’s still in prison, but my mom died a few months after I turned sixteen. Another reason the town seems to hate me. They think if I’d stuck around more, she wouldn’t have killed herself but that wasn’t my job. I was a kid. It wasn’t my job to keep my parent alive.”

“Killed herself?”

“Drunk herself to death, I guess.” It was an explanation you’d said many times before. One that wasn’t entirely accurate, but the closest to the truth you could get. “Suicide wasn’t the official cause of death, but I knew. She drunk too much. I think she was shooting up with something, too. They called it an accidental overdose. Said if I’d been there, I might have been able to call 911 and save her. But they didn’t know us. They didn’t know what happened in that house. I… I don’t blame her. She didn’t want to be saved. She let him break her. My sister became him.”

“And you? What do you think you did?”

“I think… I think… I don’t know. I made a lot of bad decisions in college, but that’s just college. I think I would have turned out differently if I hadn’t spent so much time with Jaz’s family. But even then… I don’t know, Seb. I just know that I never wanted to make anyone feel like I did. It took me my entire college career with campus therapists to work through shit. And there’s some things I haven’t told anyone. And I’m going to be working through everything for the rest of my life. I know that. I think I just became more aware. Aware what kind of affect my words might have on someone else. I’m cautious about everything. Maybe that’s why I went into data security. I didn’t have anyone, really, to protect me.” By this point you’d practically forgotten you weren’t alone. You were just musing aloud. Putting together parts of your therapy sessions with your own emotions.

It was something you’d never done.

Even in therapy, you hadn’t opened up all the way.

But here? With someone you’d met a month ago?

Here, you felt safe. Loved, even.

“What about Jasmin?”

“She tried. But her family was amazing. She just couldn’t understand my family. She was always sympathetic, but never really knew how to help. And, honestly, I wouldn’t ever want her to know how to help. I never want her to be in the position to understand.”

“I guess I get that.”

“’Sides, this way I had her to pull me out. She pushed me to move on. Helped me figure out how to… not become them.”

Silence, once again, fell. Even telling the barest bones of your past had exhausted you and you couldn’t move from Seb’s lap even if you wanted to.

It was nearly a half hour later when he spoke in a soft voice, his words drawing a soft laugh from you. “At least I don’t have to go through the meet the parents shtick.”

Think that’s all of it? The worst of it? 

CHAPTER 16: THE FIRST PAPARAZZI AMBUSH

[dreamydream]

Fallout Characters as Vines

Butch: *sitting at a booth eating* I mean, I get complimented all the time- Lone: *bursts out laughing from across the booth* Butch: I do! Lone: *continues laughing*

Six: *puts a pen to their mouth and inhales* *exhales smoke* Blaze it. *points camera to stove* Just kidding it's from my macaroni and cheese~!

Sole: *hands empty water bottle* Here. Mama Murphy: *stares at it for a second* This bitch is empty. Yeet! *lamely throws water bottle to ground*

Rex: *running towards a puddle* Six: You gonna get wet, I ain't gonna take you home, AH he got his damn feet wet now, shit dog...

Deacon: Welcome back to me screaming. AGHHHHHHHH- *takes breath* AGHHHHHHHHHH

Lone: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE?! *motions to shoes* Old Lady Palmer: They are my crocs.

Lone: Sleep?! I don't know nothing about sleep! It's summertime-! James: You better go to bed! Lone: Oh, he caught me...

Sole: Two shots... of vodka. *open vodka bottle and dumps it into glass*

Hancock: Bro, how much money do you have? Sole: 69 caps. Hancock: Oh, you know what that means! Sole: *eyes start to water* I don't have enough money for Nuka Quantum...

Sole: Let me see what you have! Shaun: *runs by and holds up knife* A knife! Sole: NO! *runs after him*

Six: I wanna be a cowboy, baby! Veronica: Hell yeah! Six: *spinning around on old playground equipment with Veronica* I wanna be a cowboy, baby!

Six: Man, you sure do know your bible. Joshua: That's why they call me- ~~BibleMan~~

Six: Wanna hear a chemistry joke? Arcade: ... Six: Is that a no? Arcade: Oh sorry did you want a *looks at camera* reaction? -camera cuts to Six huddled in the bathroom crying-

Lone: Would you rather fight a bunch of kindergartners- Butch: I wanna fight kindergartners. Lone: That's not even the whole- Butch: Those kids are getting slapped-!

Travis: I have a banana peel on the ground and I'm gonna see if it's really slippery like it is in the cartoons. I- *grabs cup of water and instantly slips, slinging water everywhere* UAGHHHHH

Preston: *filming group of radstags eating outside the house* Sole: *sneezes and radstags run off* Preston: Nice, Sole. Sole: I sneezed! Oh, I'm not allowed to sneeze?

Mr. Brotch: Butch has 19 bottles of dish soap, and he gives Paul- Amata: Wait, why does Butch have so many soaps?! Butch: *sitting at a desk surrounded by soap, pouring soap out into hand* MIND YO BUSINESS, AMATA!

Lone: *tries and fails to do a skateboard trick* James: Hey I used to ride skateboard. Lone: Pfft, my dad is such-what?! James: *rides by on skateboard doing a handstand*

Shaun: *holding basketball* Hey, you wanna play? Hancock: Nah, I don't really. Shaun: C'mon... Hancock: Okay, you talked me into it. Shaun: *shoots basketball* Hancock: *viciously slaps it away* Get outta here kid! *slam dunks basketball with Shaun backing away* GAME OVER!!!

Travis: How to pick up girls. *runs at Scarlett and picks her up* Scarlett: AGH GET OFF OF ME! Travis: *trips and falls* OH, FU-

Lone: Daddy can you teach me how to twerk? James: *raises eyebrows* No more tv *unplugs tv* no more computer *shoves computer in trash* We're reading books from now on, little girl. *hands Lone a book*

Arcade: Rex, I'm home. *walks into kitchen to see bloodstain and 'your next' written in blood on fridge* *gasps* This is so wrong... *dips finger in blood and corrects 'your' to 'you're'* There.

Shaun: *standing on ladder* I'm scared, Mom. Sole: Do ya trust me son? *holds out arms* Shaun: Yeah. Sole: C'mon son! Shaun: *falls backwards* Sole: *turns away* Rule number one, never trust anybody!

-Amata and Lone sitting at a table drinking coffee and Butch and Wally pretend to take pictures- Butch: Today we observe two basic white girls in their natural habitat! Whatever you do, don't touch the- Wally: *grabs a coffee and runs off* Butch: *gasps* Are you crazy?!

James: Someone called me a dilf at work today. Lone: Oh, that was so cool- James: No, it wasn't. Lone: YEAH

Shaun: Yeet! Sole: *walks into room* Eat, eat? You wanna eat something? Shaun: No mom I was just saying a random word... Sole: *holds out mutfruit* Okay, eat something. Shaun: No I'm fine- Sole: EaT thE FuckIn MuTrUit-

Lone: *wearing a graduation cap* Hey change of plans, I'm actually not going to college anymore, I'm going to hell. Um, not that excited.

Lone: So you just gonna bring me a birthday gift on my birthday to my birthday party on my birthday with a birthday gift? Amata: *raises eyebrows and slowly looks away* Butch: Happy birthday-? Lone: *smashes glass into his face*

Deacon: Be honest, do these shorts make my butt look big? MacCready: It makes that ass look fat. Deacon: What the fuck?... thank you.

Six: I want to see my little boy~ Arcade: Here he comes. Six: I want to see my little boy~ ED-E: *beep*

MacCready: Hey can I get a sip of that water? Sole: It's not water. MacCready: Vodka! I like your style. Sole: It's vinegar. MacCready: What. Sole: It's vinegar, pussy.

Sole: I'm done with this dumbass Institute with all these fake ass people. Allie: *walks by* Hey. Sole: Hey! *walks by* ...fucking bitch.

Butch: You ready to die?! Lone: You can't kill me, I'm a bad bitch!

Joshua: This is my message to Jesus... Hey, GiGi. Sup man... how are ya?

Raider: That moment when you enter a room and forget why you went in there- Pickman: *stabs him in the back* Raider: *thinks* Oh that's right I was getting chased by a serial killer!

Deacon: Hey babe you wanna spoon? *holds up spoon* And then we can fork? And then-you can slit my throat with a knife...

Hancock: Bro, do you ever smoke lean? Preston: Smoke lean? Hancock: Wo-ow... Preston: N-no, yeah, I have. Hancock: Dude, I thought you were tight. Preston: I have, Mom-!

Mr. Brotch: Okay, is Butch here? Butch: Present. *dabs* Mr. Brotch: ...Lone. Lone: *throws up peace sign* Suh, dude.

Arcade: You ever wanna talk about your emotions, Boone? Boone: No. Six: I do! Arcade: I know, Six. Six: I'm sad. Arcade: I know, Six.

Veronica: Hey, I'm lesbian. Six: ...I thought you were American.

Shaun: I can't swim. Cait: How old are you? Shaun: Ten. Cait: *picks him up and throws him into a pond*

Butch: So basically what I was thinking of was um... Lone: *punches him* Butch: Ah, fuck... I can't believe you've done this.

Six: Do you remember one time I liked you? Benny: No? Six: Good cause it never happened. Benny: Oh... Six: Aha *flips him off* Oho

DC Guard: Detective, this is a crime scene. Nick: *holding 3 tubs of ice cream* What, is this the murder weapon?! *closes freezer with shoulder* Get off my dick!

Sole: I still don't have a New Year's resolution. Piper: You could lose a few. Danse: You could be less lazy. Cait: Don't be such a bitch- Sole: Okay DAMN!... SHIT.

Butch: *whispers* What do beavers build? Lone: A dam. James: *from other room* What'd you say? Butch: Ooh... Lone: Dad, he set me up!

-Amata, Butch, and Christine sitting at a booth- Lone: Today we observe a teenage male appeared to be caught in the friend zone! Research shows there's no escape... I've been spotted!

Six: *looking out over New Vegas* Some day I'm gonna own this goddamn town... *raises whiskey glass to mouth but quickly moves it away* Eughhh I don't like whiskey it burns my mouth!...

Lone: I'm different cause I don't like drama! Y'know?... But Christine... Christine has an STD-

Jack: What are these curious circles? *picks up bottlecap* They have little words on them, how quaint. Do poor people eat these? *bites into it* Disgusting, Edward, take it away!

Lone: This just in, folks, I'm getting reports that Butch is gay; more at 11. Butch: I'm not gay... ... Lone: This just in, folks, I'm now getting reports that Butch is still gay. Let's go to Butch who's on the scene. Butch: I'm not fucking gay!

Six: Any sauces? Raul: Hot and verde. Six: What did you just say to me? Raul: Oh, sorry. *removes accent* Verde. Six: I thought you were trying to seduce me or somethin'

Butch: What's goin' on, my name is Butch, I'm 19 years old, and I'm-... a little nervous *clears throat* He WaS a BOy, shE wAs a GirL ... Lone: I'm Lone and I think I can be the next American Idol *clears throat* I CHimE iN, hAVen'T-

Sole: *holds up harmonica* You play it and you get 100 million caps; but 100 million people will die. MacCready: *furiously plays harmonica* Sole: MacCready no-

[cassiecantyousee]

Golden Calves and Golden Guns

On Valentine’s Day, something all too familiar happened in America: children were killed while at school. And then, some people, many of them Christians, became more worried about their guns than about the lives of the children themselves.

Look, America has a lot of problems. Racism, greed, sexism, pride, you name it, we've got it. But you know what our biggest problem is? Idolatry. And nowhere is this more clear than in discussions about gun control.

Americans, and especially white evangelical Christians, idolize guns.  

(Brief aside and disclaimer: I technically AM a white evangelical Christian, and someday I may write a post discussion what that means and how it's been co-opted and how I've been having an extended identity crisis about it for years, but today is not that day. Anyway, moving on.)

I'm sure you're all familiar with the Ten Commandments. They're a pretty big deal. Central tenets of how Christians are supposed to live their lives blah blah blah. No politician/advocate/pundit/lobbyist who calls themselves a Christian is going to come right out and say they don't support the Ten Commandments. The first two are about idolatry. When we think about idols, we’re usually thinking about the second commandment, which talks about not making images of things to worship. For a refresher, please refer to this excellent meme:

We often expect idols to be literal golden statues in our yards, but it doesn’t always look like that. The first commandment reads: "You shall have no other gods before Me." Now, when discussing Christian theology, that doesn't mean that it's cool to worship other gods as long as GOD God is first on the list. It's not "before me" like you're standing in a line, it's "before me" as in "in front of my face at all." If you're talking about importance in your heart, it's not enough for God to just win the contest. God needs to be the only competitor. Anything that you're even allowing on the playing field with God is an idol (sorry for the badly executed sports metaphors, it's Olympic season).

So we're all clear on what idolatry is, yeah? No worshiping things other than God. That's a big no-no.

When pro-gun folks talk, you often hear a lot of the same talking points. "It's our right." "It's in the Constitution." "We need to protect ourselves." “It’s about freedom.”

So let's look at those claims. First of all, "it's our right." Is it? According to who? Not the Bible, certainly. No mentions of guns in there. That would be impossible, since gunpowder wasn't even invented until the 9th century (and invented by the Chinese, not by "Westerners," for the record). Often the full phrase is "it's our right as Americans." Which, come on Christians, really? Americans aren't God. Christians in America aren't more connected to God or somehow more "special" than Christians in other countries. So let's dial back the sense of self-importance, yeah? And the Bible REPEATEDLY tells us to put down our weapons or not fight back. Turn you swords into plowshares and all that (Isaiah 2:4).

Then people bring up the Constitution. Even setting aside the fact that one of the central tenets of the Constitution is that it's modifiable; this is still a crappy argument for a Christian to make. Are you saying the Constitution is infallible? Are you saying a document OTHER THAN THE BIBLE is the indisputable word of God? I sure hope not.

Now on protection. I understand wanting to protect yourself and your family, I do. The world can be a scary place, and "taking back control" definitely feels good. But Christians are supposed to know better.  You say you speak for "God-fearing America," but you rely on weapons of death and destruction to protect yourself. You're correct that one of us doesn't trust in the Lord, but I don't think it's me. When a colleague of the Olympic runner and missionary Eric Liddel (of Chariots of Fire fame) was offered a gun to protect himself, Liddel responded: “Don’t touch it! If you have that in your pocket you will depend on it rather than God and I would refuse to travel with you.” Sums it up, honestly.

If this were all, if this were the whole discussion, there would already be a solid case for idolatry.

But.

BUT.

It’s not all. Supposedly Christian pro-gun advocates have gone so much farther than this, and it should deeply horrify us. At the most recent CPAC meeting, only a few days after the tragic events in Parkland, the executive president of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, made a statement that honestly made me want to throw up. He said that the constitutional right to bear arms “is not bestowed by man, but granted by God to all Americans as our American birthright.” What. The. Actual. Hell. This isn’t right. His worship of guns is obvious. Are Christians really okay with this kind of rhetoric? Should we really be supporting the NRA as they continue to double down on this level of theological perversion and gun worship? I definitely don’t think so.

The Bible teaches us that the wages of sin is death, and we can see this clearly in American gun culture. People would rather hold on to their earthly possessions than allow children to attend school safely.

So let me be perfectly clear: American gun culture is idolatrous. The NRA is an idolatrous organization profiting from the deaths of Americans, many of them children. Christians, why aren't we more upset? Like, honestly, I don't get it. It's so clear. It's so obvious. IT'S KILLING CHILDREN.

Now, I’m not the first person to say any of this. Nor am I the smartest. Christianity Today published an editorial stating that “fear and idolatry are our real gun problem” in 1999, after Columbine. In 2014 Patheos asserted that the idol of fear is at the root of American gun culture. After the massacre in Las Vegas, John J. Thatamanil wrote a great piece of the “American gun cult.” In an episode of one of my favorite podcasts, Impolite Company, Amy Sullivan and Nish Wiseth do a deep dive into the connection between white American evangelicals and guns. And finally, the documentary Armor of Light and the associated movement follows Reverend Rob Schenck, who begins to question if it is really possible to be pro-life and pro-gun. So if you don’t want to listen to me, you can listen to these much smarter people. And thanks for letting me get all this off my chest anyway.

I want to conclude with a personal story. As most of you know, I have been living and working in Florida for the past few years. A month or so ago, I Skyped with a middle school in South Carolina to teach them about the Florida Keys ecosystem, and discuss the effects of climate change and Hurricane Irma. The teachers were great, and the kids paid attention and asked good questions. Overall it was a great day at work. Then I got back to my regular list of tasks, and I essentially forgot about it.

Flash forward to last week, when I turned on NPR on my drive home and heard about what happened in Parkland. I was horrified, sickened, angry, and above all, devastated and sad. As someone who works in Florida, and whose job frequently involves education and outreach, I was knocked emotionally flat. I went to work the next day feeling numb, depressed, and hopeless. And then after lunch, I got a package. It was from the middle school in South Carolina. They had written me an incredibly nice note thanking me for talking with their students, and requesting that we talk again in the future. They had also sent me a school t-shirt, a mug, a key-chain, and other school gear. Friends, I burst into tears at my desk. Our students, and our educators, deserve so much better. In the midst of all my grief, students and teachers who I have never even met in person gave me such a moment of pure hope.

School is supposed to be about learning and growing. Not worrying about whether or not you’ll survive to the bus ride home.

[pennatheistgirl]

I’ve Been an Atheist A Lot Longer Than I Thought

[And that’s why I agree with Penn so very often]

I was raised a Catholic in a conservative town. All of my friends were either Catholic, Jewish, Mormon, and every other religious group known to man. Not once did I ever meet an atheist growing up, I firmly believe the first atheist I ever met was me. This goes way back to when I was seven years old. I played every sport as a kid. Soccer, basketball, volleyball, tennis, swim team, you name it. This story is from the basketball era of 2004-2006. Specifically, the early summer of 2005. 

I don’t remember much from this year, other than it was a program called “Upward” and a heavily Christian one at that. Basically, we played at a local church court and prayed a lot and gave out participation trophies, all that good stuff. For each year of the program, a music album was made to play at games to hype everyone up, or something. It was called “Scriptunes” (no joke, that’s actually a clever name) and had about ten songs based off of bible verses. I, of course, had a favorite one. It was the song that most resembled rock (an ongoing theme in my youth, and no wonder why I’m now a metalhead) and I only just recently figured out the name of the song, because growing up I thought it was literally just called “Acts 17:24.” Turns out it was named “Lord of Heaven and Earth.” Seven year old Lazer was obsessed with this song, and I think that continued until I was about 14. What can I say, good music sticks with you.

At first, I just blindly loved this song. I learned all of the lyrics, and would annoyingly belt it out from my crap CD player, you know, the ones that didn’t work unless you held them at the right angle. I can recite that song at any given moment (although, I’ll have to work hard to counteract the melody of the song, since it’d be weird to recite the tune) So, with perfect vocal control, I’ll lay down my favorite verse as a child. “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of Heaven and Earth and does not live in temples built by hand.” (Acts! Seventeen twenty-four! Acts! Seventeen twenty-four!) You can look up the song and see why it’s so catchy.  

Seven year old Lazer didn’t really know what it meant, but over the next few years I began to interpret it a very personal way, and in hindsight, a strongly atheist point of view. Having never met an atheist, I was none the wiser. I believe this was the same year I started going to horse camp. The program I loved was a weeklong overnight camp, and we got to ride horses pretty much twice a day. This camp was also home to a Christian college, and the camp was also very religion-heavy. Praying before every meal, praying before every trail ride, praying all of the time because why the fuck not? I was never down with the whole freelance-praying thang cause being a Catholic meant you only had to memorize the Hail Mary, the Lord’s Prayer, and saying Grace, and you’d be set for life. So, I never participated in praying. 

Another thing we did was have a campfire every night, and we’d listen to testimony after testimony from counselors and our activities director (who I believe is the kindest person I’ve ever met) And you guessed it! Jesus songs, because after all, we were at Jesus camp. But, none of those songs every thrilled me the way my song did in 2005. Over the next few years of horse camp, we’d sometimes post our favorite bible verses on our beds, or make little crafts to show around with them inscribed onto it, and the whole time my favorite verse was Acts 17:24. It never changed. Over years and years, until I was 15, it never changed. It was when I started working at the camp myself that I was asked to explain why it was my favorite verse. (How I went this long without being asked that I have no idea) And lo and behold, my response was a telltale sign of an atheist (I had still never met one in person)

Basically, I thought the verse was directing me to put my faith in people instead of relying on places or constructs to hold my faith steady. God “does not live in temples built by hand.” I had never heard someone say the next sentence, and it was of my own creation. “I don’t need to go to church every week, or buy a new bible, or have a rosary, because I am constantly surrounded by christ, because He is in people, not those material things.” 15 year old Lazer was insightful as hell. I told myself that for years. I never believed in Sunday mass, because I thought it was weird for people having to constantly go to church to affirm their ongoing faith. If they believed in God, why did they have to go to church every week? Were they secretly scared they’d magically lose their faith if they went a whole week without listening, preaching, or praying for God? That, was the first sign of an atheist viewpoint. I had still never met an atheist. After that, until I was about 18, I constantly questioned God. I hated being forced to go to church, I hated having to go to Sunday school, I hated how everyone I knew treated my queer friends and my trans brother (not well at all) and I soon learned to hate any mention of religion. I was slowly becoming aware that religion was being shoved down my throat, and I’d had enough. Then I actually met another atheist. (this is where the story gets good)

It starts out with me watching Whose Line is it Anyway? I binged the entire second era and started seeing ads for another CW show, “Penn & Teller: Fool Us.” I then fondly remember watching their special “Off the Deep End” Back in 2006, when I was 8. I had kept up with them as closely as an 8 year old could. It was hard since my parents thought the internet was evil and they thought Penn & Teller were not “kid-friendly” (they weren’t entirely wrong) However, I learned Penn was a juggler, and that week I taught myself how to juggle with little balled up socks. I don’t know how I did it, but little Lazer had crazy good hand-eye coordination and I learned how to juggle in like, two hours, then I just had to get REALLY good at it. I could juggle for an hour straight, and after I got real juggling bags I could do it for two hours.

Ok back to the present. I’m seeing ads for Fool Us and decide to watch back all of the episodes (I’d seen a few in the past) and by the time I got to season two I was obsessed. These guys are the silliest and most talented performers I’ve seen, and thanks to YouTube I almost immediately learned that they were skeptics, and Penn is a die-hard atheist. The thing that really got me going, is that my ideology on religion was quite similar to his. Penn has a lot of faith in people, and not in everyone’s favorite imaginary friend in the sky. He made me realize that I can take Jesus, God, and all religion out of the equation. My belief that there was God in some people, was easily transformed into something simpler. That there is unequivocal goodness in people. Some people are just good people. Christians will say they are “Christlike” and other religions will put them on a pedestal of equal value. I just think they are good.

My history of being a theist ends on the same day I became an atheist. The day prior I had spoken briefly with the men of the hour, Penn Jillette and Teller. The day everything changed for me was after I had seen their show in Las Vegas. After running down the aisles and out into the lobby, they stick around and talk to anyone that wants to meet them after the show. I wanted Penn to sign his book Presto! as a memento to take home, and while my dad got the signatures (without me? I know, but I was talking to Teller so I didn’t want to interrupt Teller to go tell my dad to wait) Teller signed a torn card prop that he ran offstage to give me during the show. I said thank you and goodbye to Teller (I was the last person he talked to of the meet and greet crowd) and I ran over to Penn and waited very timidly so I could also talk to him. I ended up being the last person, which was weird because there’s usually a handful of people that want to be the “last” person for some reason. I was just waiting around for my turn and I happened to be the last. Penn comes over to me and I get the chance to tell him a single sentence. (In my head I swear it was way more than that but what came out was pretty suffice) I tell him “I was raised in a Catholic family, but because of you I’m an atheist and I appreciate you so much for that.” I was instantly teary eyed because the look Penn gave me was so extremely loving and supportive that in that moment, I realized that he might be the only one to respond to that sentence in that way. Most of my peers are definitely not going to have a warm welcome to me telling them I’m an atheist. He gave me a very tight hug (he probably realized my right-wing-freak of a dad was the one standing behind me taking a video. Also, that video is adorable as hell.) Then we swiveled around to take a picture and he pulled me in tight and rested his head on top of mine. Pretty cute stuff.

Um, yeah that about does it. Penn was the first person I came out to, and I’m glad to know that was a turning point. Among other things (these two have inspired me in a huge way since I was a kid) this was the one moment I felt I could move on from my entire life of being a Catholic, and I can just be me, nothing else. I don’t feel like I have to identify with any religion anymore. I’d like to end this story with something along the lines of “they hugged and Lazer lived happily ever after!” because I know that there’s hard times ahead that will come and go, but I also want to end with an important message for kids my age and younger that I wish I was told growing up. That is, you don’t have to be religious. I always thought if I wasn’t a Catholic, then what was I? The answer was never “non-religious” because of course, that meant you had to turn away from God or something. Bottom line, you’re not turning away from anything. You’re turning towards reality, common sense, and unconditional love and trust. You’re only leaving those shitty dogmas behind.

- Lazer, September 11, 2017