#verbal communication can’t 100% lock it in but consider it done

[nevertrustablueberry]

oh god oh god i hate organising events why can’t people keep to timelines that they promise

[jamr0ck83]

Kick Rocks With That Centrist Nonsense

This post in response to an NPR article discussing the dangers of a divided America during the coronavirus pandemic. Originally, the words below were just supposed to be a reply to a comment regarding said article, but...words tend to get away from me. And they all felt important enough that I should post them in their entirety.

I can agree that the media does seem to portray a larger divide than what might actually exist. Cuz really, 100 people on a sidewalk isn’t a sizable movement; it’s a few people shouting inane mantras and holding up ridiculous (and often insulting) signs who don’t need to be receiving a national platform to broadcast their nonsense. And it troubles me that the mainstream media is more willing to cover a relatively insignificant gathering of armed white people on some state’s capitol steps than report on the vast amounts of incidences of injustice and racist vitriol that people of color are dealing with right now. To me, I know which story seems more concerning. But we keep seeing these protesters on the news in between cuts of Trump babbling incoherently about shining light into the body to kill a virus. I know the media is super concerned about ratings, but what happened to their responsibility to the public to provide us with factual information that we absolutely need to know?

That being said, I respectfully disagree that the crux of our national divide is built upon extremism on both sides and that the proper approach is a more centrist view. Our nation has been divided since before its inception. I think Americans have this notion that we need to “get back” to unity and mutual respect, but it seems to me that this idealized era never happened to begin with if it took so very little for people’s incredibly harmful biases and prejudices to become center stage as they now have. We were never united, and we were never in harmony. Any period of time you might point to as one of evidence that we used to see eye-to-eye on things, I will show you at least one group of people who, at that same time, were facing severe injustices and oppression. America has never been good for everyone; that’s a myth that needs to die, because it prevents us from moving forward in any meaningful way if we’re constantly looking back to a romanticized past.

If you want to blame someone for our intense divide, blame this current presidential administration and the larger Republican Party who refuse to do anything but stand idly by as our democracy implodes. At no point, has Trump tried to unify the country. Why would he? He loves division; he thrives on it! Division is how he was able to get elected to an office he has no business holding. He will never be presidential, he will never be the voice of reason, and he will never consider the needs of the country ahead of his own. He genuinely doesn’t care about any of us, not even his supporters. If it made him more money or got him more power, he would sign off on the literal destruction of any one of us in a heartbeat.

That brings me to my third point, which is that this idea that it’s the extremists on both sides that have made life in America unbearable is patently false. I’m an independent, and I lean pretty left. And the reason I do that is because to not lean left is to align myself with people who are clinging to archaic and bigoted ideas about who deserves to be treated like people and who is unworthy. I say this as someone who used to consider themselves fairly conservative; there is nothing that the right is doing right now that speaks of respect or concern for anyone who doesn’t look or sound like them. When you have a side that has couched themselves in both covert and overt rhetoric that is sexist, racist, and homophobic, you don’t get to claim “to each his own”. When your political and social views demand or dictate that I be stripped of my rights and/or my life, I don’t have any need to consider your position as equally valid as mine. And I don’t owe you compassion or respect if you are actively fighting for my destruction. That’s not hyperbole; that’s exactly what is happening. Black people are being attacked and murdered by police and vigilante citizens at alarming regularity. Kids whose parents are just trying to relocate to a place with opportunity and a chance to survive are locked in cages. The LGBTQ+ community is constantly on the receiving end of violence, are being denied the same rights as other citizens, and are being told that they can’t live a peaceful life that would allow them to be themselves because that makes some people who don’t even know them feel uncomfortable. Women are degraded and minimized to a degree that is appalling, and despite everyone being fully aware that the wage gap exists, people are actually (still) debating whether that’s problematic. And then you have the other side that believes all of these aforementioned things are patently abhorrent and need to be fixed. What middle ground exists within that dynamic? Give black people the right to live but let’s hold back on letting LGBTQ+ people exist with any sense of being full citizens? Let’s keep migrant kids in open pens instead of cages, and don’t give women equal pay but maybe just a slight increase so that they’re now being paid 85¢ for every male dollar as opposed to 81¢? None of that is just nor a fair compromise, because you can’t compromise when you’re fighting for someone’s humanity to be acknowledged. Either it is or it isn’t.

I’ve heard harsh words originating from each side, and that does, indeed, reflect a lack of respect. But I’ve approached many a conservative with the mindset of having a thoughtful exchange of ideas in hopes that we might both understand each other more aptly. And as a result of that, I’ve been insulted, diminished, and literally told to shut up the minute I’ve made a point someone either can’t figure out how to reasonably address or I have indicated that I believe myself to be a knowledgeable human being not looking for their permission to exist. Frankly, I’m done being nice, and I’m done showing compassion in hopes that the other person might be swayed, because they never are. That has often left myself open for verbal abuse for absolutely no reason, and I can’t do that anymore; I shouldn’t be expected to. Sometimes, I HAVE said mean things, and I meant every word of it. I will not ever allow someone to degrade me in the futile hope that I can appeal to their humanity. Because the second you began to treat me as “less-than”, you forfeited your right to see my good nature, and I don’t owe you anything. Especially not when the argument you are making is in support of me not being able to enjoy the liberties and freedoms that are due me.

I often cringe when people make the argument for political centrality, because it honestly feels like a cop-out. A person is willing to forego taking a stance, because they can afford to, usually because their lives don’t depend on it. That’s not a privilege I have. Decisions are being made today that affect me deeply, and I cannot sit back “objectively” to find the middle ground. Either you believe in science or you don’t. Either you think it’s wrong that, in NYC, cops were beating black and brown people in the Bronx and putting them in jail for “failure to social distance” while they politely handed out masks to the white people in Central Park, or you don’t. And if you have to stop for an extensive period of time in order to figure out where you land, it’s already clear that you have not chosen the side that respects all humanity.

This country is an absolute mess, but it’s been a mess in the making for hundreds of years. Every citizen needs to decide what it is they stand for and what kind of country they want to live in. Now. And there can be nothing gradual about whatever shift we need to make. People are suffering. Now. They don’t deserve to be sacrificed just so others who don’t like change don’t feel too inconvenienced. “With all deliberate speed” was a bullshit strategy in the 1950s, and it’s a bullshit strategy now. Cuz we waited 60-plus years, and what has really been accomplished in all of that time? We got schools all over this country never even been integrated. But yet we pat ourselves on the back and call ourselves a post-racial society.

No, fam. Just no.

If you like what you just read, please follow me on Instagram. @TheRandomThoughtsofmyBrain

[justsomeelf]

Was Korekiyo Shinguji Innocent?

!tw: lots of abuse topics !!This is very long but there’s a TLDR at the bottom !!!Danganronpa spoilers ahead for V3 (obviously)

Cough oh shit look at that, discourse which no one cares about because I’m irrelevant.

No but seriously, I want to make this perfectly clear before I begin, I am writing this while throwing away my biases and being as open-minded as I always try to be. This is going to be an incredibly long post about what people think about Korekiyo Shinguji, and that reasons for disliking him isn’t as shallow as just disapproving of the actions he took in the game. If you’re interested about what I have to say, click keep reading, if you just want a shorter version of what I meant there’s a TLDR at the bottom.

Oh wow you actually clicked it? Wait, wait, gotta keep this professional. So I’ll be splitting the topics around Korekiyo as; Storyline, Character Design and Personality, Fandom’s Backstory Headcanons, The “Main Problem”, and a Conclusion. Remember, you don’t have to read all of it, there’s still a TLDR at the bottom, but thanks for giving this a chance!

Danganronpa V3 Storyline

We are all aware at this point at what happened in V3 regarding Shingucci, and if you aren’t aware, then why are you reading this-

Throughout the first chapter Korekiyo is mostly just neutral and calm throughout everything, but still a little creepy with a few off hand comments about the beauty of humanity. Similar events happen in Chapter 2, calm, not really bothered by his fellow Ultimates no matter how bizarre some of them are. Rather helpful in the trial but still annoyed by Himiko’s insistence on genuine magic and continues to theorise how she could be the culprit, but was still mostly the same even after seeing Kirumi’s undignified exit and execution at the end of the trial. Chapter 3 rolls around and Angie decides to try and resurrect one of our fallen Ultimates, Kiyo decides to hold a seance to communicate with one of the lost spirits as well, but of course this is just a murder plan in disguise to send his sister more “friends”. Angie accidentally walks in on Kiyo mid-saw-cutting and to make sure she couldn’t tell anyone about his plans later on, he hits her over the head then brings her to her own lab, ends her life, and sets up a lock mechanism to lock the lab with the corpse in it.

He continues his seance plan due to ‘not wanting it to go to waste’, and says the next day they should use it to contact Angie. More stuff happens and Kiyo’s pleased with Tenko being such a good candinate to be his sister’s friend, and proceeds to kill her with the plan he originally set up. (While also setting it up so he could almost perfectly pin it on Himiko.) During the trial he’s as composed as ever but as more clues show him towards him being the culprit to both of the murders, he becomes increasingly more erratic, and the tulpa split personality of his sister appearing to calm him, but he eventually admits to being the culprit. After the trial he confesses his reasoning, the incestuous relationship with his older sister who he swore to send 100 (female) friends to after her sickly passing. Obviously, people were going to be disgusted by the incestuous relationship he had with his older sister, but that’s not always the reason people are going to dislike him in the story. 

Korekiyo obviously hadn’t done much in the first two chapters aside from being helpful in the trials, and people don’t particularly like it when characters they like are killed, in Chapter 3 that concerns Angie, Tenko, and Kiyo. Angie was increasingly infuriating towards her demise, with the Student Council and the actions she took for what she wanted with the school, but was still an enjoyable character with her cheery attitude and honestly good intentions. Tenko both is and isn’t quite popular, with her resentment of men (which I won’t get into because that’s another topic entirely) gaining her hate, but her good intentions and wishes for friendship making her a likeable character. Kiyo hadn’t done much to establish his character side from being creepy, calm, and neutral, which doesn’t put much towards liking him if there’s no reason to, that isn’t to say there’s a reason to dislike him, just that there’s not enough events to show him in a highly positive light.

Character Design & Personality

To be perfectly fair, Kiyo’s final design was pretty well made in terms of appearance. By Kodaka taking a combination of multiple sorts of imagery, including underground culture, anthropology, and visual style, made him pleasing to look at aesthetically and in terms of genuine character. People can dislike him but still see his positive points essentially, at least design wise.

His personality is essentially what was previously mentioned, neutral, calm, creepy sometimes, and that’s essentially it. During the third trial he quickly became panicky when it was becoming obvious he had killed both Angie and Tenko (side note: it was extremely obvious he had killed Tenko from the start, Angie was the difficult one) but was calmed down by the ghost of his sister, also claiming he was deeply in love with her with what seemed to be genuine sincerity. There is also the fact that Kiyo felt no guilt for killing all those women to send to his sister, and seemed to consider everyone in the academy his “friends”, indicating he’s unable to understand or care about what other people feel. In the end he finally accepts his defeat and is executed by Monokuma and the later appearance of his sister’s spirit, causing his last expression to be disbelief and horror as both of them banish his spirit to the afterlife. The point of this paragraph is that although I understand why people can like his personality, people are allowed to dislike the kind of person he is by finding him boring, maybe a little annoying, selfish for having no regards for what the other characters felt, and it’s fine, because even if people dislike his personality they can still see why people like his personality.

Fandom’s Backstory Headcanons

Of course to start off with, there’s the canonical backstory of Korekiyo that we were given through FTEs and the storyline.  Kiyo had a sickly older sister who almost constantly required to be in the hospital, since she was lonely without friends Kiyo would spend all of his time with her. One day reading a book about Anthropology with his sister who suggested he could research it, motivating him to become an anthropologist. His sister normally picked most things for him, his hair, tailoring his uniform, and so on. According to Korekiyo, he had an incestuous relationship with her, believing it was truly love with no care of what others thought, although at some point his sister died. Left alone and frustrated he swore to kill and send 100 friends to her since she had none in her lifetime, we’re also able to assume he got somewhere close to that number before his death though. (side note: I personally headcanon that Tenko was the 99th “friend”). While travelling he had been captured and tortured by locals, leading him to hallucinate his sister that calmed him down, which also caused him to form a split personality/tulpa.

Since that’s about all the information we were given, of course it left the fandom theorising and wondering about possibilities. There’s the semi-popular headcanon of Kiyo that he was abused by that sister, of course there’s obvious signs of manipulation in their relationship, telling him how to act, dress, talk, what to do and like and so on. The headcanon is also backed up by canon, which essentially does imply he was manipulated and abused by the sister, as he spent so much time with her that she relied on him.

(Personal Experience Ahead, I don’t mind it if you skip) I tried to force myself to like Kiyo. I really did. I thought that with this idea it does explain his actions better than the canon did. But I couldn’t. I was and still am abused by my older sister for a decade now, emotionally/psychologically, verbally, and physically. Now leaving me medically diagnosed with anxiety (social and generalised), depression, and PTSD. While the fandom seems to say Kiyo had been abused psychologically and some add sexually abused. Abuse is a difficult topic to talk about, even bringing it up in this sense has brought back horrible memories from my life, if you do genuine research or know from experience what that abuse like that is like, it’s fine and I wish the best for you. But please do not just slap “abused” on like a label, like it justifies his actions. I said previously it explains it, not justifies. The “Main Problem”

I’m sure some people would be aware this was coming, if you have knowledge of V3′s full game, simply hearing Kiyo’s name will remind you of the third trial.

Korekiyo’s sister. Implied to be abusive, manipulative, constantly sick, dependant on Kiyo, now deceased, and previously in an incestuous relationship with him. The things Kiyo said about her would obviously throw everyone off, incest is quite revolting, so of course people would dislike him after hearing he was in a relationship with his older sister.

But that does not mean it’s the only reason to dislike Korekiyo.

(Intense) Kiyo fans immediately go to hating on and blaming the canon whenever someone says they dislike him, assuming they’re always referring to the sister relationship for their dislike. That is not always going to be the reason. Yes, the presence of the incestuous relationship is problematic if you want people to like Kiyo, but please don’t always assume it’s because of the third chapter. It’s as simple as having an open conversation, not attacking the creators, the character, or the person you’re disagreeing with, then if you can’t reach a conclusion, just agree to disagree and leave it there.

Conclusion I guess

Obviously most of this was just covering what we already knew, but reminding information is normally necessary for things like this. Did I just waste hours of my time writing an essay on a fictional character? Yes. Do I expect everyone to agree? No. Do I mind? No. Was there a reason to make this? Yeah, kinda. I just want to lay it out there that people are entitled to their own opinions, free speech and all that good shit. So people are allowed to decide whether they like Kiyo or not, just don’t hate them or assume and scream that it’s only because of chapter 3 that they dislike him. Everyone can have an opinion, people like Kiyo for their own reasons, people dislike Kiyo for their own reasons, V3 is done and finished. If you’re still unsatisfied you can go ahead and argue with me, I’ll try to stay level headed and hear you out. 

TLDR: People can have opinions. Kiyo stans don’t always assume it’s because of the sister that people dislike Kiyo, you can say he’s underrated or overrated it doesn’t matter either way, just don’t shove it down people’s throats. You’re all entitled to your own opinions and ideas, as long as you can reach a conclusion together that doesn’t end in hate it should be fine.

Either way, if you read this far I hope you have a good day/night! Stay hydrated, eat some snacks and all that jazz!

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

The Most Crucial Relationship Skill You Can Have

Being able to shift gears in the heat of an argument and initiate a thoughtful break may be one of the most crucial relationship skills. Breaks can afford you time to cool down, deepen your perspective and have a successful re-do with your partner. But for these to be successful, it helps to follow a few basic practices.

Unfortunately, when conflicts arise, many of us are likely to do more harm than good. People might shut down conversations prematurely or push their partner past their threshold of tolerance. What often follows is that both partners get locked in a stalemate of deafening silence.

Even worse, we frequently compound the problem by misusing the time apart. Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability and divorce prediction, describes what he calls “self-righteous indignation,” which includes obsessing over wrongs we believe our partner has committed. This can happen silently as we ruminate internally, or it can happen vocally when we “vent” to sympathetic others.

When you're feeling self-righteous indignation, you tend to see your partner as more of the problem. You are likely to exude contempt even if you don’t utter a word.

This tends to widen the chasm between you and your spouse. It can morph the potential healing power of a timeout into just another hurt, widening the distance between you.

Even if you're in a relationship that is not prone to volatility, you're still vulnerable. As mammals, we've evolved to be acutely aware of one another’s nonverbal cues. Our spouses may read body language like eye rolling, the avoidance of eye contact, loud sighs, and dismissive tone of voice as threats. These signs communicate disdain, which slowly erodes trust and intimacy.

How do you take space in such a way that it supports your relationship, brings you closer, and gives you a perspective that moves beyond blame?

It comes down to three principles.

The When:

Timing is crucial for successful space. It means not shutting your partner down prematurely. In a healthy relationship, it's important to hang in there even when your partner says things you don't like. Gestures like listening non-defensively, finding the reasonable part of their complaint, and offering assurance can go a long way in avoiding escalation. Non-verbals, such as nodding your head and softening your voice tone, can significantly increase the likelihood of a productive conversation.

Although we don’t want to cut off communication too quickly, it is important to recognize that, sometimes, even if you act from your best self, arguments can spiral out of control. For this reason, the when is also about recognizing when it is time to stop, give your bodies a chance to cool down, and recover from threat mode.

It's a fine line, a delicate balance. To do it well you must simultaneously be able to tolerate low-level conflict, and yet be aware of when it has become more beneficial to stop an argument at a moment’s notice. Every fiber of your being may want to shut down or scream. Catching yourself on the cusp of feeling compromised and taking a deep breath (perhaps several), let your partner know that you – yes you – need a break. No small feat.

The What:

Once you have recognized that a break from communication needs to happen, the most critical piece of determining if your time apart will be beneficial versus detrimental is what you do with it. At The Northampton Center For Couples Therapy, where we see 100 couples a week, this is where people seem most prone to going awry.

Navigating relational turmoil solo can stir up a slew of emotions. Even if you are the one who initiated the space, it's not uncommon to find yourself feeling abandoned and rejected, or hyper-vigilant and self-protected. Both of these mindsets can barricade you from reconnecting with your partner and, ultimately, do more harm than good.

For this reason, it is important during a timeout to intentionally cease any negative spin in your head about your partner.

Instead, try to consciously cultivate receptivity to the idea that there may be more to the picture than what you are seeing and feeling from your angered vantage point.

For this to succeed, refrain from venting to others, or even to yourself. Instead, channel your turmoil into something unrelated. Go for a walk, fold the laundry, weed the garden, or do anything that takes your mind away from the conflict. While engaged in this other activity, if your mind latches onto anger or fear, allow yourself to let it go and intentionally consider that there may be no clear right or wrong. In fact, research shows that when couples fight it is most often because they are at cross-purposes.

The How

You have taken a break, and you have used that break wisely to reset yourself emotionally. The next goal is the How – coming back together and trying again.

Timeouts can't last forever. Yes, they play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple. But they can also backfire. If space extends into too much time, turning into a stalemate, the prolonged silence can be injurious and erode the trust in your relationship. Anything more than a waking day can begin to feed negative sentiment.

If this happens, there’s a good chance your timeout has morphed into a silent battleground where issues of control and power are being played out between you. In these instances, you'll each risk assuming that the other partner is fully responsible for re-initiating repair and taking the high road.

Don’t get stuck on who re-initiates. In most relationships, there is one partner who pursues more and one who distances more. And though this dynamic can cause real pain for couples, it is not a measure of love. I'm emphasizing repair, believing it takes priority (at the moment) and that your focus should be on achieving re-connection sooner rather than later.

Cultivate an attitude of “no big deal.” Research shows that people who are successful in their relationships know that the best way to get their partner to hear them is to stick to the issue at hand and de-emphasize taking a stand. They understand that conflict is inevitable, and they trust in their ability to handle themselves (and their partners). They say things like, "look, I'm not sure what happened earlier, but all I was trying to say is…" Successful couples also modulate their tone, intentionally using a friendly or humorous voice.

In summary, one of the most important relationship skills you can have is a finely tuned emotional break. This should not happen prematurely, nor should it go on for too long. But done correctly, this break can support you in slowing down to pause (or even stop) when that is better than continuing a conflict. Likewise, keeping an eye on productive habits during the break, and making sure the break does not go on for extended periods of time, help to assure successful understanding and re-connection.

Learning to stay calm in the face of threat is not easy, but with time and practice we all have the potential to become less reactive and "shift states," to move more fluidly in and out of conflict, and stay connected. Practicing compassion in the form of patience and tolerance for our partners and ourselves can help us learn how to love well.

Note: A variation of this article appears on the Gottman Relationship Blog.

More information on taking healthy, timely breaks from your relationship or how to used the Gottman Method to reconcile and restore your connection can be gained through our online couples therapy, relationship retreats, or in-person couples counseling sessions.

[curatable-01-blog]

Interview with Vic Hazeldine

“Those who can’t, teach” is an expression that only people who haven’t met Vic Hazeldine say. For over twenty years he held the creative reigns of one of the biggest advertising companies, Grey’s London, to be precise. Now he dedicates his time towards sculpting the minds of students. This January, CURATABLE sat down with Hazeldine to discuss the ins and outs of how art school influenced his work and his approaches throughout his career.

CURATABLE: What inspires creativity in you, especially during moments of drought? Are there any technical exercises that you do to help you through them?

VIC HAZELDINE: Everything ignites creative thought and action –  and that’s a curse as much as it is a blessing. But walking mainly. The mind travels faster at 3mph. All artists walk, no?

I suppose one could say that walking is a technical exercise, although I don’t consider it as such…it’s at the heart of my practice now, or has become so. Or perhaps it has always been so. I recently met Richard Wentworth at a talk he was giving on chance findings and I got chatting with him afterwards – he’s big on walking – and he said “When you walk stuff just happens.” Spot on, I thought. You just pick stuff up…ideas, bits of conversations and physical objects of course. The power of chance and serendipity should never be underestimated. I find that walking allows sensory reversal…you see with your ears and hear with your eyes. When I worked in advertising, and ideas just wouldn’t come, I always advised my creative teams to just go for a walk – but not to the pub – do that to celebrate the birth of an idea - and just get a bit lost - lost in looking. It always seemed to work. I have suggested this strategy to secondary school students many times, but generally they look at me as if I should be locked up. I did do a walking workshop at school once and the drawings and thoughts generated were really interesting, but I’m not sure the participants felt comfortable. I know exactly why, but that needs a whole book, not a quick reply. If I wasn’t a teacher, I could so easily become a full time Flaneur. Oh – I also have an enormous old school blackboard in my studio. On it is chalked: “AVOID THE BLANK SPACE”. Best advice you can give yourself, or anyone else, in times of creative drought. It certainly reminds me to do something…make something out of nothing, or nothing out of something, all the time.

C: In what ways did art school, and the people you met and worked with whilst a creative director in advertising, influence your work, or working process?

VH: Big question, and the answer could run to dissertation length. I think that the one unbroken strand is that at Art school I realised that I was in the business of communication. I think that this is, and remains, the fulcrum of my working philosophy I suppose. I was remarkably fortunate to work with, and be taught by, some truly great practitioners – across so many diverse disciplines – and then with some great advertising talents – and they were all passionate about communicating what they wanted to say in their own way. Each had a unique voice, and all showed me that finding, cultivating and holding on to my own distinctive voice really mattered. That voice can be made manifest in anything and everything - verbal, visual, all media, any media. Ultimately, I think that the diversity of creative disciplines I have worked with, and alongside, reflects my studio practice, which can’t be categorised…I dread being asked “what do you do?” I have no answer. There’s an irony for you.

C: Do they still influence you as strongly as before now that you’ve changed your career?

VH: Yes – emphatically yes - and more so as I get older. Truths, wisdoms, advice imparted – call it what you will – that resonated then, only amplify in my mind as time passes, or shortens. And of course, I share these things freely as a teacher. That’s what teaching is about…passing stuff on, and hoping that some of it is useful – sticks to the sides - recalled at some point in that person’s future.

C: It seems like quite a jump to move from working in advertising to working with students, what drove this move?

VH: My children all said that I would be good at teaching and people said that I had a great deal of subject knowledge ranging from “Fine Arts” through to “Graphic Arts” – and, because I had worked as a copywriter, I’d probably prepare really interesting school reports! It was true that I’d built up a lot of material in my head and I thought that some of it could be useful to young people. My eldest daughter also became critically ill and I ended up teaching her from the end of a hospital bed and, as her condition improved, we made countless gallery visits over those years. Joseph Beuys was right - Art heals.

Putting it bluntly, I just felt that I wanted to give it all away before I fell off the twig. I wanted to download it all so to speak…my mind was sort of at bursting point. What I didn’t realise, until I joined the education sector, was that it’s not a one-way street of course - the students are constantly teaching me new things, so one never actually ever gives it all away …one is uploading as much as one is downloading.

A jump – culturally – yes, like leaping the Grand Canyon, culturally - but not fundamentally because it all about communication…pupils, parents, colleagues…all stakeholders. There are so, so, so many commonalities…skills I use to present ideas for example – now, in teaching, I present to up to 100 clients a day! And they can be as problematic and penetrating, and intimidating, as industrial clients who pay massive consultancy fees. Also, of course, presentation skill is something one can teach. Justifying ideas, writing…again all completely transferable to the school setting. I work with 6th form students, and, having come from industry, I can leverage my commercial background in numerous ways to help them…I guess it’s about developing emotional intelligence in many ways.

Returning to “Art” as a teacher…I use my previous experience to help students with concept development…getting to the heart of the assignment, the importance of justifying an idea, and encouraging divergent thinking – after all, that’s what a creative director does in the advertising industry. Oh – and the importance of time management too. I don’t think I’ve made a big success of it, but I’m still a bit of a beginner…or will always consider myself as such because I’m not a “career teacher”, and never will be I suppose. I came to it late.

C: What are the key qualities you see in the young artists that have gone the furthest during your career?

VH: I am glad you don’t mention “successful”. I am totally persuaded that longevity – and going the furthest (in the sense of understanding the world, and responding to it) stems from:

Playfulness

Curiosity

Failure (probably the most crucial attribute, and not a popular subject to teach and preach - particularly today.)

Sensitivity

Unfailing preparedness to plough your own furrow

Self discipline

C: Do you think your time at Camberwell prepared you for the various creative roles you have taken on since? Did you ever think at the time that it would lead you there?

VH: Most definitely because of the inter-disciplinary nature, fluidity and flexibility of the place. This was a distinguishing characteristic of Camberwell…one could move around and do different things…no territorial or creative boundaries or fiefdoms you see. Did I think that I’d end up a teacher? No. I just wanted to generate ideas and continue to paint and make things…these then became parallel lives, but not – because my commercial career fed my private practice and vice versa. I just didn’t tell anyone…didn’t feel the need.

In a way, I’m not surprised that I find myself in the education sector now because when I finished at Camberwell, I was invited back to teach Graphics and Typographic Design part time. I took up the invite and found that I really enjoyed it. I did it for a year until my “real job” (and boss) decided that I was needed full-time again. But I certainly got the taste for working with post-secondary Art students though…l have done quite a bit of Graduate tuition since…workshops and things - from my studio during vacation periods - but all informally. I’d love to do it full time because it’s great to work with students who are completely on it. That said, I do enjoy working with little ones, particularly before they become inhibited. Ken Robinson has a lot to say on this, have you heard any of his lectures? There’s this lovely anecdote…a child is drawing God. The teacher says “but nobody knows what God looks like.” Child: “they will in a minute.”   

C: Have art schools changed majorly since your time at Camberwell? Are all these changes for the better?

VH: Yes, I think the major change I notice is that there is now such an emphasis on academic writing and how this has eaten into the time needed to create…to think through making, mess it up, be experimental and free-thinking and generative. I think that that was the special thing about Art schools 20 or 30 years ago…you were given the time to just do things and one instinctively knew that one would never, ever have that time or freedom to learn and play again. So that made time at Art school very special – it wasn’t about commercial imperatives – or so commercially-driven so to speak. This makes me very sad because I know from talking with so many Art students that they find it all getting a bit too much as well…they’re all so stressed out about essays. Maybe that’s why they come to my studio – a space were they can just do stuff…and just be and do and talk and drink endless quantities of tea.  I do understand the need to write and justify of course. I just think that the balance really needs looking at. As do course fees. But that’s another interview (or possibly rant) for another occasion. On the plus side, I think the opportunities for Art students to network with the creative industries has really, really expanded – facilitated by the institutions and social media of course - and the opportunities for work experience now is brilliant compared to say 30 years ago.

I am also interested in how Art schools have become tangible brand entities. Sure, every place always had its own identity and values but now most of the major players have fully-developed brand personalities. I guess as an ex-brand consultant, I kind of watch this…and talk to students about how the associated marketing affects their choices etc. A fascinating area this.

Compare this to my experience – I just got sent a Camberwell prospectus through the post; a charming, but emotionally dry document, that gave no real sense of the place. I just had to go along and investigate the place for myself. Mind you, I do quite like the simplicity of all that now, thinking back.

Last year, I gave my son that prospectus. He was in his final year at Camberwell (yes – weird – particularly as he occupied the exact same space as I had done 30 years previously) and he drew all over the pages and put it into his final show. A deliciously subversive act in a way I thought.

C: What do you see in the future for art schools as institutions?

VH: They will adapt, survive and thrive no matter what. Yes, I understand exactly where Bob & Roberta Smith are coming from, and yes, “Art” has to fight hard for it’s territory on so many levels – but thus so it ever was. The creative industries (in the widest sense) always need, demand, talent…and the urge to make is just a human characteristic - it never, never stops. So, there will always be customers for Art schools. If the demand is there, the supply will be there to meet it.

I do think that the old divisions – departments - of “Fine Art” and the more “commercially-aligned” practices, will blur more and more because it is reflective of the how see, make and consume Art now. This is an exciting prospect. These old divisions were always false ones anyway I think. Camberwell, as an institution, always recognised this I think…back to future no?

I also sense that we may see the emergence of private schools of Art…private universities seem to be springing up everywhere now. That would be interesting no? Again, sort of back to the future, as it were…that’s exactly how Art schools began after all

I guess I see the greatest threat to the customer base is how “Art” is valued – or undervalued, or misunderstood - in secondary education. I sometimes think we swimming against a remarkably strong tide. That tide comprises many, many things – all identifiable, but complex in nature. More so now for sure.

C: What advice would you give to young artists seeking work upon graduation? (i.e. should they jump at any opportunity, go for bigger money jobs first, or chase their aspirations) Did you have to find that out the hard way? Or did someone pass it on to you?

VH: Very, very difficult to answer because this depends so much on the individual’s financial situation, but…

Network, network and network. Do this even if you are lucky enough to be offered a job provided through a college work placement.

Review and add to your “leavers” portfolio as soon as you leave. In other words, keep up the momentum and sense of urgency you developed in your final year.

Get the website, and your point of difference, sorted out.

(Fund this by taking any job going – short-term – if you need to.)

DON’T chase the dollar – it rarely pays off. And rarely exists for that matter.

Take an internship by all means – BUT – insist on some compensation – fares for sure. Hold your ground.

This is based on what I know now, through knowing and talking with several recent grads.

I was comparatively lucky, but things were different: work was easier to secure…no ridiculous selection processes, and certainly no “work for us for nothing” deals.  All I had to do was trudge up and down Charlotte Street annoying agency people, insisting that they should see my portfolio - until they relented. Which they did.

I guess that perseverance paid off then – and still does now. You could – should - add that attribute to the “Key qualities” list if you want!

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

Being able to shift gears in the heat of an argument and initiate a thoughtful break may be one of the most crucial relationship skills. Breaks can afford you time to cool down, deepen your perspective and have a successful re-do with your partner. But for these to be successful, it helps to follow a few basic practices.

Unfortunately, when conflicts arise, many of us are likely to do more harm than good. People might shut down conversations prematurely or push their partner past their threshold of tolerance. What often follows is that both partners get locked in a stalemate of deafening silence.

Even worse, we frequently compound the problem by misusing the time apart. Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability and divorce prediction, describes what he calls “self-righteous indignation,” which includes obsessing over wrongs we believe our partner has committed. This can happen silently as we ruminate internally, or it can happen vocally when we “vent” to sympathetic others.

When you're feeling self-righteous indignation, you tend to see your partner as more of the problem. You are likely to exude contempt even if you don’t utter a word.

This tends to widen the chasm between you and your spouse. It can morph the potential healing power of a timeout into just another hurt, widening the distance between you.

Even if you're in a relationship that is not prone to volatility, you're still vulnerable. As mammals, we've evolved to be acutely aware of one another’s nonverbal cues. Our spouses may read body language like eye rolling, the avoidance of eye contact, loud sighs, and dismissive tone of voice as threats. These signs communicate disdain, which slowly erodes trust and intimacy.

How do you take space in such a way that it supports your relationship, brings you closer, and gives you a perspective that moves beyond blame?

It comes down to three principles.

The When:

Timing is crucial for successful space. It means not shutting your partner down prematurely. In a healthy relationship, it's important to hang in there even when your partner says things you don't like. Gestures like listening non-defensively, finding the reasonable part of their complaint, and offering assurance can go a long way in avoiding escalation. Non-verbals, such as nodding your head and softening your voice tone, can significantly increase the likelihood of a productive conversation.

Although we don’t want to cut off communication too quickly, it is important to recognize that, sometimes, even if you act from your best self, arguments can spiral out of control. For this reason, the when is also about recognizing when it is time to stop, give your bodies a chance to cool down, and recover from threat mode.

It's a fine line, a delicate balance. To do it well you must simultaneously be able to tolerate low-level conflict, and yet be aware of when it has become more beneficial to stop an argument at a moment’s notice. Every fiber of your being may want to shut down or scream. Catching yourself on the cusp of feeling compromised and taking a deep breath (perhaps several), let your partner know that you - yes you - need a break. No small feat.

The What:

Once you have recognized that a break from communication needs to happen, the most critical piece of determining if your time apart will be beneficial versus detrimental is what you do with it. At The Northampton Center For Couples Therapy, where we see 100 couples a week, this is where people seem most prone to going awry.

Navigating relational turmoil solo can stir up a slew of emotions. Even if you are the one who initiated the space, it's not uncommon to find yourself feeling abandoned and rejected, or hyper-vigilant and self-protected. Both of these mindsets can barricade you from reconnecting with your partner and, ultimately, do more harm than good.

For this reason, it is important during a timeout to intentionally cease any negative spin in your head about your partner.

Instead, try to consciously cultivate receptivity to the idea that there may be more to the picture than what you are seeing and feeling from your angered vantage point.

For this to succeed, refrain from venting to others, or even to yourself. Instead, channel your turmoil into something unrelated. Go for a walk, fold the laundry, weed the garden, or do anything that takes your mind away from the conflict. While engaged in this other activity, if your mind latches onto anger or fear, allow yourself to let it go and intentionally consider that there may be no clear right or wrong. In fact, research shows that when couples fight it is most often because they are at cross-purposes.

The How

You have taken a break, and you have used that break wisely to reset yourself emotionally. The next goal is the How – coming back together and trying again.

Timeouts can't last forever. Yes, they play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple. But they can also backfire. If space extends into too much time, turning into a stalemate, the prolonged silence can be injurious and erode the trust in your relationship. Anything more than a waking day can begin to feed negative sentiment.

If this happens, there’s a good chance your timeout has morphed into a silent battleground where issues of control and power are being played out between you. In these instances, you'll each risk assuming that the other partner is fully responsible for re-initiating repair and taking the high road.

Don’t get stuck on who re-initiates. In most relationships, there is one partner who pursues more and one who distances more. And though this dynamic can cause real pain for couples, it is not a measure of love. I'm emphasizing repair, believing it takes priority (at the moment) and that your focus should be on achieving re-connection sooner rather than later.

Cultivate an attitude of “no big deal.” Research shows that people who are successful in their relationships know that the best way to get their partner to hear them is to stick to the issue at hand and de-emphasize taking a stand. They understand that conflict is inevitable, and they trust in their ability to handle themselves (and their partners). They say things like, "look, I'm not sure what happened earlier, but all I was trying to say is…" Successful couples also modulate their tone, intentionally using a friendly or humorous voice.

In summary, one of the most important relationship skills you can have is a finely tuned emotional break. This should not happen prematurely, nor should it go on for too long. But done correctly, this break can support you in slowing down to pause (or even stop) when that is better than continuing a conflict. Likewise, keeping an eye on productive habits during the break, and making sure the break does not go on for extended periods of time, help to assure successful understanding and re-connection.

Learning to stay calm in the face of threat is not easy, but with time and practice we all have the potential to become less reactive and "shift states," to move more fluidly in and out of conflict, and stay connected. Practicing compassion in the form of patience and tolerance for our partners and ourselves can help us learn how to love well.

Note: A variation of this article appears on the Gottman Relationship Blog.

More information on taking healthy, timely breaks from your relationship or how to used the Gottman Method to reconcile and restore your connection can be gained through our online couples therapy, relationship retreats, or in-person couples counseling sessions.