#vito sucks but also cries about him

[a-gay-little-cat]

sometimes i think to myself. damn! i should talk about my ocs more to more than one person! but then i forget !

[samtrapani]

it's real thinking about silvio tomasino hours like. i KNOW henry admires the hell out of him and that blinds him from seeing that silvio kind of sucks ass as a dad like he lets young henry come along on jobs and got him into the family business and i feel like he's also very unemotional & had high standards and now henry has Complexes about it. plus idk why the fuck he was associated with clemente like i assume their families went back a while and there was maybe relation by marriage but like. who knows. henry talking about him once and claiming he was a good father and vito ofc doesn't know any better but joe's like. "henry idk how to tell you this but no he wasn't"

when you love someone, you don't see their faults, even if it hurts you. he definitely was unemotional, distant, and wanted his sons to succeed no matter the cost. henry would've crawled through the mud with a broken leg just to hear a sliver of praise from his father. i...... i really don't know. it would make more sense for them to be related to the vincis (which is also by marriage i guess), so i suppose... idk. i really don't know, maybe the two families did go back closer.

man, joe saying it and henry doesn't understand. what do you mean? i mean, sure, joe, his father wasn't always available but he had six fucking brothers for chrissake whaddya mean he wasn't a good father? just 'cause he couldn't talk to henry like a child? 'cause he pushed them and pushed them away? 'cause he didn't like to see them cry? what is it? what--- henry saying he did his best, he did his best, but deep down having this little seed of doubt planted in his gut by joe's words.

(once he had gotten shot, and when he cried, his father's look of shame had let the sobs die in his throat. the old man hadn't talked to him for a good three weeks, hadn't come to see him once while he was recovering. when henry was finally better, the old man merely acted as if the incident had never happened. and that was that... right? right?)

anyways why do you hurt me like this <3

[buttsonthebeach]

⭐️⭐️ please!

Why thank you for the chance to ramble about things!!

I wanted to give a glimpse into chapter 10 of Reckoning, the chapter in which Ashara grapples most directly with her descent into depression and survivor’s guilt in the wake of Clermont. (TW for both those subjects below)

****** Cole did not come back the next night. Ashara didn’t mind that. She woke, dazed her way through another day, and then slept dreamlessly. Again, and again, and again.

It occurred to her that she had never simply - existed before. When she was young she was constantly moving, studying, exploring - then she was sixteen and her mother was sick, and she had exams to pass, and her entire being was focused on both of those pursuits. And that didn’t really change until she was twenty - and then she was working for Vir’anor, crisscrossing Thedas every day of the year, and she was in the Fade with Lucius every night -

Lucius.

Maybe her father was right - maybe she could speak to him. But what was there to say?

I’m a failure. You were right to leave me. You deserve your beautiful, rich, talented lover. All this potential - all this privilege you saw in me - look where it has led. I am alive, and I am miserable, and better people than me are dead.

Because they were all better than her. Livia worked so hard for a better life for her son. Vito had loved them both as if Sylvio was his own child. Gwynne supported her whole family. Velriel was a venerated member of his clan and his family, who would never meet some of his grandchildren. Tamaris hadn’t even gotten a chance to start living yet.

At least she’d saved Sylvio. At least she’d done that.

She’d saved her mother, too.

But hadn’t she only done that for herself? Because of the gaping, gnawing terror eating her alive at the thought of how much she would miss her?

You were right to leave me, Lucius. I am privileged, and selfish, and short-sighted, and I didn’t deserve what we had.

Thoughts like that circled her mind all day. If this was simply existing, with no clear goal - she hated it. She wanted to be on the move again.

And yet her chest was still so heavy, her mind so slow, that she would spend half of her day drumming up the energy to go from one room to the next.

She was worrying her parents. She was worrying them at a time when they could ill afford to be worried. She added it to the mountain of guilt that sat on her back like an anvil.

How was she supposed to keep living like this?

Cole came to her the night she first thought that. He materialized with that strange pop and whisper that he always did, just after she crawled into bed. She wondered what it was like to cross the Veil physically. She didn’t have the energy to ask him.

“Have the thoughts had time to settle in?” he asked.

“Yes,” Ashara said, her voice bitter. All the wrong ones have settled in. She felt the gentle brush of Cole’s mind against hers and opened to it. He sucked in a short breath at what he felt.

“But you are precious,” he said. “Bright, gleaming, full of promise - you are the thing your parents never even dared to dream of. The accident that changed everything.”

“Ah, yes. The accident.” She hadn’t thought of it that way. Her parents hadn’t even intended to have a child. She was the product of pure luck. Passion on a sunny afternoon, when her mother was changing the kind of contraceptive brew she used, and the day before a sudden summons to Skyhold that caused her to forget her contraception entirely. She was an accident, and yet she’d survived in Clermont where others hadn’t.

“No - no - let me try again. So precious, so bright, so gleaming, so full of promise - you are so much. So much that even your father who rewrote the world couldn’t imagine you at first.” He took two swift steps forward and captured both her hands in both of his. Ashara started at the sudden touch. “So much that even your mother who saw hope where no one else did couldn’t dare to hope for you.”

Her heart pounded. She could feel Cole’s eagerness, his earnestness - and deep in her own body she could feel the truth of his words. How much her parents loved her. How much she was wanted in this world. But that truth frightened her, suddenly, made her breath come quick and fast, made words she had not intended to say spill out of her mouth.

“But, Cole - so were they . Every last one of them - they - my friends -”

They were all precious. And bright. And gleaming. And full of promise, too.

But she couldn’t make that part come out.

Instead she cried wracking, heaving sobs that felt as if they broke her chest in two.

Cole was physically awkward at so many moments - when trying to stand casually, or to gauge how much distance he should leave between himself and someone he was speaking to, or when trying to maintain eye contact - but in this he was not awkward. He made space for himself beside her, and held her close. He said nothing. He simply let her grieve.

It was what she was doing, she realized as the tears ended. Grieving. She never had to grieve before. She never had to simply sit still, and feel something this awful and this immense. This was the gaping hole she’d run from when her mother was sick. Maybe she’d run from it even before.

I have been too lucky in my life. It isn’t fair. I shouldn’t be so lucky. I shouldn’t,

“It is not your fault,” Cole said again. “It is not your fault.”

Ashara had the feeling that he could say it a hundred thousand times, and she would not believe him.

*****

This was an intensely personal chapter for me to write, which made it hard enough, because I was mining those awful feelings within myself. On top of that, I was also mining for the darkest parts of Ashara, for the moments when she realized her own deepest flaws - she is selfish, and privileged, and she does run away from things that are hard.

BUT, on the other hand, depression is a monster that takes things that have a grain of truth and blows them up out of proportion. So much of Ashara’s journey in this fic is navigating that divide - acknowledging some of the ways she should change, identifying some of the things she has taken for granted, but also not giving in on the other side to wallowing in that feeling, not letting the depressive side of that spiral win.

(I also have to say, I am proud of how I wrote Cole here. I particularly like how he describes Solas and Ellana, how they each in their own ways didn’t dare to hope for Ashara before she was born.)

Thank you for asking!!

[themorningcatch]

We Are What We Eat

A list of foods around UST that Dana indulged in during her lonely year living in a dormitory and when she ate them. It also might have been the beginning of her gastronomy inclinations, but who really cares?

1.      Gravy pork – bought at Mini Stop, served in a Styrofoam cup with bland gravy sauce and 6 pieces of fried pork cutlets. It once depressed the hell out of me but when I feel blue and lazy, I stumble into the bright lit store and get this because it was quick to eat and held no promises. I sometimes gaze into Mini Stop just because it reminded me of the steadfastness of gravy pork.

2.      Cheese sticks – bought at Asturias Street in this dingy side cart next to a canal. I continually come back whenever I can because it does not break my wallet but it does sensationalize my taste buds with its fake cheese powder but oh my, if it’s hot, the cheese inside is melted and gooey. I usually have to line up with a bunch of other students because it’s that good.

3.      Milk tea – I have no exact place to purchase this from because it’s either the drink is way too expensive or it’s a disgrace to tea and milk and ice. My favourite so far around the campus is the Jasmine Milk Tea in Moonleaf. I could never feel upset when I have that in my hand. Jasmine tea reminds me of my home and its greenery and kindness. I wish I could always afford it.

4.      Fried Barbecue –served at the canteen in my dormitory Santa Fina. They fry the pork so whenever I walk in, the umami wafts through the air and I always end up buying it for dinner. It’s nothing special, just that it isn’t usual for people to fry barbecue directly. It’s quite cheap and the insides of my tongue are tickled with fascination. I get it after a long walk from school and eat it with white rice. The dry texture is hard to swallow but it is what I have. It should be enough.

5.      Mini Stop Ice Cream – under twenty pesos, I’m surprised I don’t buy it every day. It’s nice to know I have the physical restraint to say no to sweet things that will never break my heart. Nowadays, I get it on two occasions: when I feel tired and when the sadness feels so palpable that I feel like freezing my nerves to make them stop whining.

6.      Ham, Egg, and Cheese Sandwich – bought at the small burger kiosk in front of my dorm. It is nothing but grease in between two pasty buns. I think that I am fond of this because I first ate it about 6 months ago when I buried myself over hours of Statistics that I did not understand and I realized I haven’t eaten anything for so long and it was literally a blissful aftermath.

7.      Cheese corn – bought at a cart by Dapitan. The memory I hold along with this is when my friend Jochebed and I were a little short on money so we decided to eat corn instead for just ten pesos. We ended up buying another one because it was steaming corn water and powdered cheese. It provides a form of warmth that I knew and I can’t put my finger on it but it’s there. It’s funny how you know these feelings but can never remember where they’re from.

8.      Jollibee – this is the one. Jollibee is never an exaggeration. When it’s treat-yoself day, I go to Jollibee, where my solace is. The sweet crunch of salted fries, the distinct taste of their spaghetti, the unforgettable love affair of peach and mango encapsulated in a pie, and sweet heavens, chicken joy; this is how I know that God is good to me. What can I say? I’m not the first. This fast food restaurant has done so much to the fast paced lives of Thomasians.

9.      Puto – bought at a carinderia in Maceda. It’s not life changing puto but the guy selling me it was so enthusiastic over his puto and he told me that it would help me forget about my boyfriend. I laughed and told him that I didn’t have one. And he chuckled and said, “Kay gandang babae, paanong wala?” (Pretty girl like you, how so?) I never entertained compliments from strangers but he said it with genuine like and desire to sell puto that I just bought a couple. He thanked me wholeheartedly and as I went back to my dorm, I thought about how I needed that, I haven’t been complimented like that and during that time and I badly needed that. I thought about how God supplied people who will take care of your being, even people you didn’t know. The puto was cold but good and the little slab of cheese on top made my night.

10.  Siomai Rice – bought at Lovelite’s in Asturias Street. It’s only 35 pesos with a serving of 5 siomai pieces, two cups of rice, and lots of toyomansi that satisfies in a simple, undecorated way. The feeling is great because of the money saved and the stomach filled. What little trifles we occupy ourselves with.

11.  Dimsum Treats – bought at either Asturias Street or main Dapitan. It’s this dimsum place that serves a slightly superior siomai than all the rest. The quantity is a catch and I always eat there with my friends so over burning chilli and yangchow rice are stories of each of the people I allow my time to be spent over, and it is good and wholesome. It is refreshing because we eat at Dimsum when we have a break and like their tall iced tea order, it really eases you up.

12.  Mozzarella Balls – bought at Car Park inside UST. They’re 50 pesos and mash potato balls with bacon and mozzarella cheese inside it. I usually eat it with garlic sauce. Before I ate it when I was feeling generous with myself but whenever I would be troubled, I bought it without hesitation or care because when I’m sad, I am reckless with cash. I cried while eating it because I felt like crap this particular day and I was listening to In The Heights and Breathe came on. I was overwhelmed and alone and failing quizzes in my subjects and during those moments all you can think about is, “will I come out alive?” Of course the answer is yes but in the pain brought by it all, the mozzarella balls will have to take care of you.

13.  Tocilog – bought in a small kiosk in front of the Dapitan entrance by Mini Stop. Usually served with small tocino bites, a sunny side up, steaming fried rice, and toyomansi. I eat it in the mornings I’m already in school because that’s when it’s best. The first time I tried it, it was like a breath of fresh air. My brother tells me that I might have a confusion of the senses but I think that I’m just a writer who likes metaphors and can only speak by them. Tocilog has witnessed me in the honest moments of when I would sit by the library while listening to a sermon podcast. It still feels like a restart when I eat it.

14.  Buffalo Wings – bought at Cheese Melt in Car Park where they serve buffalo wings with cheese sauce over plain rice. I am not a fan of spicy food but this I forgive. It once made me sick because I ate it under the sun when I was alone in Lover’s Lane and the heat caught up to me but the buffalo wings are great and they make my face feel on fire, which is something I weirdly like.

15.  Chicken Sandwich – bought at KFC and comes along with spiced fries and a drink. Whenever my yearning gets the best of me and I come along with my Dad home, he brings the car and the ride back to the south knows that I love chicken. Chicken Sandwich reminds me of my Dad and how I would play The Beatles and he would sing quietly to it as he took the long way home around Vito Cruz and Taft. I would munch on it and watch my Father patiently drive through the traffic and all the lights of the cars and buildings around us make me feel safe because my Dad brought his car Kit even when he didn’t have to, just so I could get home comfortably. I could never boast about my Father’s affection towards me but he loves me and my brothers this way, and I am grateful for it.

16.  Iced Coffee – usually taken to-go on Sunday mornings on the way to Church. McDonald’s became familiar when I started buying iced coffee. McDo’s coffee base has a certain zip through my mouth that I can’t find elsewhere so I am fully obsessed with McDonald’s iced coffee even if I am annoyed at myself for participating in this consumer system and watching all the plastic cups and straws so haphazardly used and thrown away without any heed to what the Earth might say. I wish I could just bring a reusable cup to McDonald’s for the coffee. Surprisingly enough, iced coffee revives me in a way that my Sunday would suck without it and my life would be emptier than usual. It just does that to me.