#vs actually making sure that the things im making are deeply aligned with the things i am aiming to examine

[alltoowille]

writing update :)

-i know i said painter au chapter 9 was nearly finished but then i … decided to essentially rewrite it lol (i’m much happier with it now it’ll be worth the extra wait) it’s still not finished but i’m back in the groove and making good progress now

-i wrote a oneshot that people seem to really be enjoying! you know i love a little wilmon confronting trauma moment

-lake house .. so sorry to my lake house stans but editing it is tedious and i really don’t want to update until i’ve edited the past chapters, plus i think chapter 10 may need some rewrites so i’m not sure when she’ll be out but i promise it’s not abandoned! bear with me 😫

-lastly: i don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up but twitter got ahold of my maddierosh fic and really loved it so there’s been some … ideas for a follow up bouncing around in my little brain … it’s not my priority but sometimes i like to churn out a oneshot if i’m struggling with my longer pieces so who knows

thank you for your patience; and if you want faster updates i swear almost every comment i receive genuinely spurs me to open my google docs app and keep going in that very moment so do not underestimate the effectiveness of dropping a short lil comment on an old piece if you’re feeling impatient <3

[letteredlettered]

hi! ive been following your writing for a few years now and i drop by periodically to check if you have anything new posted, and im really surprised that you seem to be enjoying the untamed? im curious what you think about the show - its story and characters, the acting, the production, etc. idk if you know, but the untamed is the most successful example of a current trend in chinese entertainment, where popular online novels centered around a gay romance is adapted into a 'safe' drama.

continued:

due to the many explicit and implicit restrictions imposed on creative media in china, many crucial plot points have to be changed (often badly) or removed, including the nature of the relationship between the main characters. the untamed is considered the most loyal adaptation so far, but like all other works in the genre, it received criticism for weak acting and queerbaiting. that's why im really curious about what you think of the show as it is, as itself, free from its context.

if you're interested, you could also check out guardian! it features much better performance and chemistry by the leads imo, but the story was heavily botched bc the original incorporates and reinvents a lot of classic chinese folklore beautifully and stuff like that is considered disrespectful and not-pc. i think it's really sad how so many great pieces of writing with complex world-building and plotlines are simplified into... idek what to call them, but just, less than what they are.

im sorry this turned into a rant. as a mainland chinese person with oh so many frustrations about our current society, it's hard to comprehensively describe my feelings about the untamed's popularity. it's the first mainland chinese show/movie to gain this much organic interest abroad so i should be glad? but, but. anyway, yes, im sorry.

There’s no need to apologize for ranting, but I admit to some confusion as to whether you want your question addressed or the rant. Because I’m me and tend to be thorough, I’ll address everything, in reverse order.

First of all, I’m sorry that this show is sad to you. I’m sorry that the popularity of it is difficult. I’m also deeply sympathetic to your frustrations about your society, as I too am deeply frustrated by my own.

Secondly, yes, I’m aware of the context of The Untamed. I’m aware that the book it’s based on is a BL novel, and that, in order to align with Chinese politics, overt queerness was erased from the adaptation. I’m aware of the censure laws of gay media in China. I’m also aware that some aspects of necromancy and morality were adjusted to make the show more palatable for general audiences, but I’m fuzzier on those details. Lastly, I’m aware that the popularity of the show calls attention to certain things, such as fanfic, and that attention results in more censorship,

The fact of this erasure and this censure provokes a lot of questions: by consuming this product, which contains erasure and censure, do we engage in the erasure and censure? By posting gifs and writing fanfic and talking about this product, do we increase its popularity, thereby encouraging additional erasure and censure? By increasing the popularity of this product, do we diminish the popularity of the original gay morally gray canon, thereby decreasing representation? Do we discourage other authors in China from writing explicitly gay morally gray material? In short, are we allowed to enjoy this media?

I don’t know the answer to these questions. However, I do know that boycott is a very effective tool when it can inflict economic pain on the producer, or when it can exert pressure on an entity to change. That said, I feel like a lot of the calls to boycott certain media these days are a lot like telling people to stop driving their cars to stop climate change: it’s suggesting that individuals can solve the problem, which presupposes individuals are the problem, and therefore fails to address the scope of the problem, or present the possibility of a real solution. Not watching The Untamed isn’t going to change laws about portrayals of homosexuality onscreen in China, partly because the laws in China are a much bigger problem.

The other part of it is that The Untamed is coded queer, so if you run a successful boycott against it, you end up with . . . less queer TV. I know a whole lot less about China than I do about the Hays Code, but if you had told gay people during the Golden Age of Hollywood that they couldn’t enjoy movies that were coded queer because they weren’t explicitly queer, they’d have said you were crazy. In fact, many people will tell you that media that was coded queer was a big reason we got more explicit queer stuff later. And as I’m sure you’re aware, the US is still fighting that battle . . . partly because it wants to sell movies to China.

So then there’s a question about whether me, an American in the US, liking something coded queer from China but not explicitly queer--does that encourage Chinese censorship? Should I only support texts that are explicitly queer? But the answer is the same--it’s not addressing the scope of the problem, and by supporting texts that are coded queer, you could be paving the way in the future for something brighter.

But you weren’t talking about boycott! You were talking about your discomfort with the popularity with this show, which I accept. I understand feeling uncomfortable. I can only hope it makes you a bit more comfortable to know that plenty of fans are deeply aware of the context and do wrestle with the question of what liking this show means in the context of a society that would never allow aspects of the original to be portrayed onscreen.

Thirdly, I’m not against trying Guardian at some point, but by comparing the acting and chemistry of the leads to The Untamed, I feel like you prove our tastes are very different in these regards. I love the acting of the leads in The Untamed; I found their chemistry off the charts. It’s okay you don’t feel the same.

Lastly, you asked my opinion of The Untamed: its story and characters, the acting, the production, sans context of the canon upon which its based and censorship laws in China.

a. I love the overall story, but the plot has deep plot holes. Quite a few segments do not actually make sense to me, because the plot is so haywire. However, I’ve never cared that much about plot, except when it gets in the way of characters and themes, and for the most part, this plot serves its characters and themes, except when the parts they leave out are so confusing that I cannot follow the story. As for the story, it feels like it’s built for me, because ultimately it’s about moral decisions and how to make them; it’s about guilt and paying for mistakes; it’s about learning, changing your mind, and remaking yourself. Really, I’m not sure there are many stories I love more--except they killed my favorite character, and I almost quit. So, that certainly put a damper on things.

b. I love the characters most of all, although the villains are really two-dimensional. However, large parts of the plot are not Hero vs Villain, they’re Hero vs Society, and then some Hero vs Himself in a way that suggests the Hero is no longer a hero. I could talk about the characters forever, but suffice it to say I think they’re really strong. Also, the relationships are really exquisite, particularly when it comes to family dynamics. Unfortunately, they killed my favorite character off. Also unfortunately, there are six women in this show, only two of them are main characters, and every single one of them dies. It disgusts me.

c. I think the two leads are exceptional, in particular Xiao Zhan . . . when he’s not being too broad, which he is quite a bit. However, I do wonder how much of this is direction and production style, because in many instances, he’s quite subtle, and the choices he makes are astounding. Then there are times where it’s like they needed more footage, or wanted to drive home a point, and he turns on the extra, and it’s awful. It could just be him, but I actually feel it’s the case with most of the actors, which does make me think it’s a directing issue. Meng Ziyi never really has that problem though, because she is the most perfect of all. But then take He Peng, who I actually thought could be incredible, but every scene was just SO BROAD that I began to feel sorry for the poor dude having to act that part. But there is nothing to be said for Wang Zhuo Cheng, who really is just terrible, which is sad, because it’s a great part.

d. Production-wise, it’s really hit and miss. So much of the locations are truly beautiful. A lot of the costumes are too, unless the shot is too close. I actually don’t mind the wigs; I love the long hair. The CGI is terrible. And then while a lot of the shots are beautiful, some of them are awkward, and the pacing is really difficult, imo. It really seems like they wanted to drag it out, and there are so, so many scenes where I’m sort of embarrassed that we’re in the same scene or that we’re still looking at someone’s face, or that everyone is just standing there waiting for the shot to finally end.

I will say that film is a language that does differ from culture to culture. It could be that both the broadness of the acting and the awkwardness of the editing are my cultural lens based on American and a lot of western film. When I watched older Hollywood films, the acting is a lot more broad and maybe a little less “true” feeling, but I understand that it’s not the case everyone in the past was a bad actor. It was just a different style, so I’m not sure I’m equipped with the cultural knowledge of Chinese acting, cinematography, and editing to be able to really judge the value of these things.

I do know how I feel, which is that the editing is the biggest hurdle for me while watching the show. However, I feel that the beauty of it makes up for a lot, and the strength of the characters and themes really carries it.

I hope I addressed your points adequately, and I wish you well.

[malamelodies]

mind tricks

my mind is going a million miles a minute. the clock states its 322 in the morning. had an argument with man friend that started with the intention of me sharing that I'm scared and easily nestled its way into the past, and then getting defensive then we couldn't hear each other any more. and now I feel like I'm on eggshells, even though I want to believe its all in my mind. I want to lean into the dreams and hopes. I heard my name being whispered to me as I tried to doze off to sleep. who is calling me? is it my higher self or a spirit of the sorts. all of this is happening and I try not to feel alone, but I do. being an only child is catching up to me. I need to talk with Emma about this. really get to the root of why its effecting me so much. with man friend, it could either go one way or the other. he leans into it or he doesn't. how do I maintain my equilibrium in whatever is decided. I saw a myriad of images as I tried to fall asleep, krater induced, Im sure. a baby boy. proposal. why does it follow me? he says wait at least a year until we talk about marriage. in hindsight, that's totally what I want too, but then I think about my age and I want to push it. how do I balance that. how do I trust that it will happen. and I acknowledge that part of me wants to lean into parenthood because then I feel like then I can feel secure in us becoming a team. its so silly. I have never wanted it that way. I want it to be intentional and loved up and showing devotion to holding each other. I want to feel safe with my partner. is it because I want to cultivate it within myself? its said that we are reflections of one another, so in all that I say and see in him, do I just need to reverse the dialogue to becoming internal towards myself. im getting so confused because I sincerely believe in community and devotion. dad always said a sacrifice isn't a sacrifice if its for someone we love, and I think im being flexible but am I not being flexible enough? the way he casually states that if what he wants isn't in alignment with mine right now, that I can so looks for it elsewhere... that hurts my feelings so deeply. it allows me to feel disposable. that he doesn't mind if I never show up again, this past week and past weekend have been so magical, him sharing his commitment towards me. can it all change within a day. mom even said at one point “they might wake up one morning and not love you anymore’ how is that even possible? my brain and heart and spirit cannot comprehend that. alas, it is the truth for some people. what lessons are to be learned here. my first thought is trust. yes yes trust. the concept I lean into but not too much. is it because, well, I don't truly trust? ha aint that a big ol pickle. 

people tell me that not this phase has ended at LoveNest that I need to be very clear on what. want next. what if I dont know? what fi I have general ideas? I want to live with Jedidiah, I want to grow my business. I want a garden, two of these are dependent upon me. and I feel bad, I actually feel bad that ti am putting that kind of pressure/expectation on him. its like genie in a bottle, I can iwhs for things, but not love. part of me believes that if I have a booming business, then the love with come 10 fold. it shows independence and dedication. im actually going to look up craft fairs; and the fist link I click states that they're cancelled. invest my money properly.

that is another desire. weekends being filled up with craft fairs to table at. and farmers markets. then to invest $5000.00 in stock and for them to double in a few months and exponentially keep growing. put $2000.00 in bonds and keep them there for a longer period of time. in 6 months I want to successfully sell my car and get an SUV. self focus and self care will allow for the biggest desire to flourish. 

the main thing that moving out of this house has shown me, is I can get horse vision around something that only I can do. I would like to get that with my job now. within the first few months into this new year, I want to bring in 4000. 10 orders of 100 dollars. switch the focus onto audible books about business and marketing. people who want to team up. I've received os much support for moonflower essence along the way. and I truly feel that its a family affair. I want to have employees and a warehouse. I need to get in. get my clinical herbal certificate. take that seriously. continue to expand on ways I can keep growing. the vision I got from the breast workshop.. I want that tremendously. I was able to feel it. it reminds me of the magic of burning man and the first time I want I was told not to imagine what it would look like, rather than the feeling it is. I feel confident. at ease. loved tremendously. I feel important and cared for. the capacity to help others because I am the flowering card of osho. I feel sexy, inspired and creative. creating new products along with art and music. working up to a real size harp. taking on responsibilities with ease and laughter. witty. feeling beautiful. my skin radiant. such a healthy body. experimental with cooking. emotionally mature and intelligent. able to provide for my parents. dancing and laughter. traveling. open to try new things. charisma. enchantment. 

and the little girl in me wants to be proposed too, have a love ceremony. have a husband/parter who will draw my bath and rub my feet. thoughtfulness, and brings so much laughter and care. that we continue to crack each other up into old age, that the grandkids love us and we've built a beautiful support system of friends who have become family. lots of gathering and sexy time exploration. we travel the world together and as a family. we genuinely care for each other and continue to tend to the garden of love in incorporating things like therapy and tantra and nonviolent communication and dance and singing together and cooking melas together. we make a great team and NOTHING is fleeting, we are devoted to each other. not codependent. we are independent and live our own lives, and there is NO wavering in the fact that we are in it to win it till our last breath and beyond. I see movies where the couple is old but they are in it together. through the hard times and the difficult. the world has turned upside-down, but they still have each other. rom-com success. I believe in that. I see that with my parents. and when I feel it in my heart, I feel it within me too. and out of all the people in the world, by heart keeps whispering Jedidiah. but I need to keep it under wraps. I feel like as soon as I lean into it, and show him a smidgen more than the bare minimum, he steps away. and what is crazy is that he thinks I already love him so much, but its not even the full surface. as soon as a I feel a promise of commitment, wowed. fireworks and shooting stars. 

but until that day come, if it ever comes, I need to just focus on me. 

he doesn't see the point of proposal, and that within itself is a red flag. its something so incredibly special. but here I ma. being flexible and putting my desires at the way side, until, so I hope, he comes around. but wha tif he doesn't? what if is all talk. why do I keep believing in it? I want to feel empowerment in being a hopeful romantic vs a hopeless one. I have a really big heart.and I know the capacity is limitless. I just want. family. a big ol; family. I want to legit call Amy Jera and Sarah my sisters. to call Peter dad and Kathleen mom. I feel so weird for wanting that because homie isn't not he same page. every time I drive over train tracks, for years, I wish that he proposes. every time I hold my breath through a tunnel, I wish that were married.and I know when that happens the business and morey situation will be thriving, because he doesn't want me for just me, hell want me for my accomplishments. its fucking gross, but its true. even with the trailer, I thought he wanted to move in together and now I feel he wants to do that because the trailer will be under my name. is it just a story? or is it the truth? when will I become we? for now, sleepy heard, get some rest and read up on fairs and stocks tomorrow/today. I love you.