#w lockdowns and all. its just people im out to at home. so its like safe. and apart from my mom.

[pepprs]

the renovation starts tmrrw (LOL) and i woke up from a dream abt it crying. awesome

[toadkisses]

alistairs years in review

alistair has decided to publicly journal a summary of whats been going on the past two/three years or so. nobody is expected or obligated to read it, im just nostalgic for when i used to update my blog very frequently w/ life events :-)

this does contain descriptions of animal neglect btw though!

early 2020 i went to dog grooming school, i really loved my mentor. it was the first time since i was a kid that i looked forward to school! it was especially nice for a while because i was the only student for a bit. part of my education was handling phone calls and talking to clients, and i told my mentor how people have been trying to get me to be comfortable on the phone for years and no one has yet. but wouldnt you know! i really did get there!

i like working with the dogs, and i find caring for them to be really enriching. im also pretty good at it! i like grooming poodles the most, their hair texture is really great to work with.

a few months in though, we went into lockdown and i didnt get back to school for a while. eventually i did return, and there were other students, so it was cool that i got to have one-on-one education and companionship too?

before i graduated i had a job offer, a salon reached out to my mentor looking for new graduates. when i graduated my mentor hugged me because im one of her favorites :-)

the new salon was an interesting experience. there were three other groomers, a bather, and a receptionist. they were all very welcoming and involved me in conversation, gave me advice. i liked them and felt comfortable, the position also had some pretty nice benefits. however, after a few weeks i noticed they had a very different opinion on how to correct dog behaviors.

physically disciplining dogs is a divisive issue in the animal care community. i’ve always been against it, and my mentor was as well. however, it is commonplace in some practices to hit a dog if it is being aggressive or reactive. i very strongly disagree with it, but i wanted to give context that it is considered acceptable by many people who work with dogs.

my coworkers weren’t as extreme as some people i’ve heard about, but my supervisor still whacked a dogs muzzle with a metal comb when it whined and pulled away while she was brushing its tangles out. spankings were not uncommon.

they also made “jokes” and comments about gay and trans people that made me VERY uncomfortable. i wasnt out to any of them, so my supervisor felt comfortable commenting about how many gay people they had apply to the position and how it was so weird. when a coworker talked about a same gender client tipping her well and complimenting her appearance, and joked that it was because the client had a crush on her, the receptionist yelled, “FAGGOT!!!!” to much laughter.

i wound up talking to the owner (who was not a groomer or regularly in the shop) and resigned. i was there for maybe two months? i wish it had worked out, and the owner took me seriously and wanted me to stay while he instituted new policies, but i think it would have been very obvious who the whistleblower was since i was the only new person in the salon, haha. my mentor was really supportive and encouraged me to find a job elsewhere, and helped me look at options. she’s great!

after about a month, i applied to a salon near my home. a week later, i got a call from the doggy daycare i worked at for multiple years previously, and they wanted me to come over and groom for them. i found out later that they were in the process of buying the salon i applied to, which is how they knew i was looking for a job.

the center is connected to a vet office, and they told me they were in the process of opening a grooming branch for dogs being boarded. there was only one other groomer at the moment, and i’d be assisting her until the client base grew enough for both of us to be actively grooming. i was happy enough with this when it was presented.

i was happy to be back in the daycare environment, since it was familiar to me and i knew most of the staff pretty well. i was working with a groomer with about ten years experience, who was about 50, and we got along well.

issues became apparent fairly quickly, though. the room we were grooming in was in a windowless basement, so it got up to 80 degrees fahrenheit and 80% humidity at some times. the lighting was pretty poor. there was black mold under the sink, which i had actually found a year earlier while working there, and it hadnt been addressed since.

sometimes when grooming, one will have to stop the groom or do a less polished job than one would like if the dog is being aggressive or is clearly overstressed. other times, a dog will have health conditions that make it impossible to groom in a normal salon environment. when this happens, the usual course of action is to recommend that the dog be taken to a veterinary groomer, so they can be given medical support during the groom, by people who are trained to handle behavioral or health issues.

neither i nor my coworker were aware when we took the job that we would be getting veterinary groom clients.

you see neglect cases every so often when you are a groomer, and its never pleasant. matted fur makes every step a dog takes painful. it constricts bloodflow to the skin, so when you shave the dog, the blood rushes through previously bound vessels, and they can bleed through their skin. even if they dont, it still feels painful, but the mats have to come off, or theyll just get worse. mats can hide fungal or bacterial infections, or wounds, or bugs, or waste material. and, since its painful, and the dogs arent used to being groomed and dont understand, theyre often combative. im obviously very sympathetic, and would never blame a dog for acting aggressively under these circumstances. but i still have to avoid getting bit!

before working at the vets, i would usually see neglect cases about once a month. and i would be patient, and help the dog feel better, and was usually able to walk away feeling more good that i had helped it, than sad that it was necessary for me to.

at the vets, we were seeing neglect cases almost every day. we were left alone in a room with a dog that one of the vets was scared to get close to, and expected to shave his entire body. the dogs didnt get any sort of sedative or calming agent, because the vet office hadnt established any such protocol yet. and even though he had scars on his neck from a shock collar, by bringing a dog to the groomers, in the eyes of the law, the owner isnt neglecting it.

every day had the two of us in a hot, poorly lit room, me trying to hold a thrashing, panicked dog still enough for my coworker to groom it. even the normal clients we got still had to be done in a difficult environment.

the emotional toll was intense, and i gave them my two weeks notice after a few months. the owner of the clinic has known me since i was a teen, and tried very hard to keep me. and again, i wish it could have worked out. but the physical environment wasnt suited to grooming, and i was not up for burning myself out on grooming when i had graduated six months prior.

i still live at home, and since i had been suicidal, my family was understanding with me taking a break from work, and i was lucky enough to be able to.

im going to cut this here, but im planning on writing more about my dreadful medical experiences and how my darling perfect girlfriend and i got together later :-)

[umiwomitai]

.

[starlight-writes-stuff]

these anons have been sitting in my inbox for a couple days now , and they’re all too short to do on their own so i thought i’d make a little headcanon dump for yall <3 also , welcome 🐌 anon , glad to have u here bby . xoxoxo , starlight

yes 100% , and hi 🧿anon ! here they are :,)

dream : drunk face (mgk) , love me (the 1975) , runaway (6vib3z) , fool (cavetown) , hey there delilah (plain white ts) , godless (banks)

gogs : coney island (seb) , haircuT (coleton rubin) , happy endings (mike shinoda) , love lockdown (glass animals) , fools gold (jack river)

sapnap : paradise (big sean) , bleach on the rocks (john harvie) , hang me up to dry (cold war kids) , better than me (q money)

karl : figure it out (blu detiger) , haunted (the band camino) , mirrored sea (passion pit) , super sad songs (zachary knowles) ,  hangover cure (mgk)

quackity : sos (sueco) , can i kick it ? (a tribe called quest) , fantasy boys (broncho) , cardiac arrest (bad suns) , imported (jessie reyes and 6lack)

ranboo : high tops stripped (del water gap) , vienna (billy joel) , new york i love you but youre bringing me down (lcd soundsystem) , flannel (the cardboard swords) , tell me its okay (gnash)

tommy : why did you run (judah and the lion) , out of order (michl) , blur (mo , ft foster the people) , dress up (the regrettes) , wish (diplo ft trippie red) , clear (pusher and mothica , shawn wasabi remix)

tubbo : first day of my life (gnash) , waste my time (kerri) , edge of town (middle kids) , the kids dont wanna come home (declan mckenna) , caught up (lazy weekends)

dream 

big hands go brrr

laces his fingers through yours habitually

its second nature for him now

loves comparing hand sizes smh

curls his fingertips over yours and makes fun of your small hands

george :

puts your hand palm up and traces all the lines on it

draws absentminded patterns and shapes on your hands

interlocks his fingers with yours and squeezes your hand as a little gesture of affection

ceo of the thumb thing 

sapnap :

hands hands hands

hand k!nk aside , nick LOVES to hold yours

theres something so sweet and gentle about it to him

laces his fingers through yours for sure

making sure his hand is on top

karl :

he <3

holds your hand in every way possible

clasps , fingers threaded together , holding pinkies

loves playing with your fingers when he’s bored

spins any rings you have on

squeezes your hand 3 times for ‘i love you’

quackity :

always has cold hands

so is constantly reaching for yours

again , he does the thumb thing all the time

swings your arms when you’re in public like a lil kid

is always messing w/ your ring finger

“gonna be a real pretty diamond on there some day”

dream :

would be confused at first

but would feel so protected / comforted ?

it would lowkey melt him

and he’d bring his hand up to cover yours as he relaxed

george :

loves when you do this

especially if your squishing his cheeks with both hands

he scrunches his nose and pulls a face

then does the dame thing right back to you

“squishy . squishy baby .”

sapnap :

is so lost lmao

“what are you doing ?”

“nick , im trying to be cute .”

“you’re cute always . get off me .”

but does it to you later that day

he just wanted to be the one holding you :,)

karl :

this is one of his favorite things ever

leans into your palm and shuts his eyes

would sit like this for hours

and gets so sad when you pull away

quackity :

big q my beloved

melts into your touch immediately 

and his whole body seems to relax

you run a thumb along his cheekbone and he’s GONE

presses soft kisses to the heel of your hand

[transdib]

a real big reason im scared to ask for things, or post opinions or...anything really, is that theres been this real conflation of “asking=expecting” and “one mistake or doing something someone out there doesnt perceive as morally okay = a reflection on your personality as a whole and that youre entirely Bad”

i get so scared of p much saying anything (even tho im very left-leaning, queer, and consider myself progressive or at least always open to learning, improving, and being holistic and understanding of everyone and developing and curating my language to make ppl comfortable) because i feel like having a couple thousand followers suddenly makes me an “influencer” in the eyes of people

i think it goes into the whole recent crituque of “the internet has been commercialised and commodified and we all have to present ourselves as a brand and less of a real person” and that really strikes a chord with me. im literally not an influencer, especially because this self-fulfilling cycle of hating the current internet culture and not posting much anymore. 

its honestly ridiculous and i shoulnt be feeling these ways, and its fucking hard too because a lot of the shit i see is also very american-centric, so for example the c0vid stuff (and the morals about public safety etc) like the general consensus and societal cultures differs from country to country, how australia deals w it differs to how america does, so its hard hearing ppl from america talk in a way thats not reflective of how things operate here, but its treated like thinkign otherwise to them means we’re bad as a whole

im extremely c0vid safe for example (was even moreso before my immuno-compromised housemate was vaxxed) but for about 6 months we literally had NO active cases. so we had no lockdowns, and we did a c0vid-safe continuation of our normal-lives pre-c0vid. this was around the time where america wasnt at all vaccinated and unfortunately a lot of cases and deaths were occuring. so my social media was full of ppl being very aggressive about “if u dont stay home ur a bad person” essentially. and while i knew back then it didnt apply to “me” specifically, its bloody fucking hard to feel like i could even talk about going out and having fun in australia bc the general consensus was “there are ppl dying overseas how dare u have fun” when in reality we were just bloody lucky to have a government that shut us down and acted a lot better compared to other countries, which lead to us having no cases. and at that point we had been in lockdown for like 7 months or some shit. who knows. time is weird. but basically what im saying is that in context of australia, it was safe to, and im allowed to have gone out and do things.

of course, this is all earlier this year, bc now we have an opposite thing where our vaccine rollout was so botched and we have a shitton of cases and are opened out of lockdown again, and it fucking sucks. and now of COURSE im being safe (especially only being half vaxxed) with it all, and it bloody sucks too bc now the americans are acting all “c0vid is over :)”

maybe this is more of a rant about american centricism and all but...idk. i know i could “curb” this issue by following more australians, and its not necessarily peoples fault bc theyre just posting about “their” experiences etc, but it just sucks like how theres a general assumption that youre from america, and that u should be doign thigns the way their culture is.

idk anymore.

[mooswords]

OKAY MOO, I’M CURRENTLY READING UR FIC “Home” AND I’M— THE END OF THE FIRST PART WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. “he always comes home” -> IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CONTRAST TO THE BEGINNING!!! he gets lost in his OWN fields, and that’s saying something. however, despite that, the reader still being reassured (or as much as she can reassure herself) that he always comes home = he has the red string to BRING HIMSELF BACK TO THE READER = ALWAYS COMING HOME. I’M!!!! and i love the silly banter that opened the story. aLso HIS HESISTATION OVER TELLING THE READER THE JOB HE WAS ASSIGNED... BECAUSE HE WAS WORRIED ABT THE READER.... AKDKSKKSKS. the fact he didn’t accept the offer immediately DESPITE being so in love with the sea and waited for reader’s permission is such a SMALL thing, but when you describe his love for the sea as superior, that action shows he loves the reader even more and i just- SLKDKAKDKSK. i might be over-reading and i apologise if i do bUT DO COMMENT ON IT THANK U!! 🤩💜 - ava

u sent me these eons ago and i promise i wasnt ignoring you ive just been working like 10 hour days and i am Exhausted 😭😭 but all of these messages legitamately give me life, i am so incredibly grateful! <3 im so so glad you enjoyed this fic!! and you are NOT OVERREADING I LOVE TO SEE YOUR INSIGHTS!!!! it makes me fall back in love with the fic all over again! <3 

i am SO glad that him always coming home comes through! because it gets kinda dire in the middle of the fic so i wanted there to be that hope at the back of your mind that knew he always came home. but i wanted you to be stressed about it still so :) and silly banter is my favourite part of writing this guy, i had so much fun with it alskdf.

and ok i love u, you got everything i was trying to do there <33 like i was struggling to find the balance between her reluctance and supportiveness. thats a fun (and tricky) thing about established relationship fics i find... theres that depth of understanding that can make the interactions more interesting, but so much of it is unspoken. it was a good challenge! so its so GOOD to hear that it vibes right hehe

THE WAY KUROO PLAYS WITH THE STRING!!! THAT WAS SUCH A FOND MOMENT OMG AKDKSKDK. and it’s so interesting that it appeared before kuroo even left 👀👀👀

she already missed him 🥺🥺 i originally had him tug on her hair and then i went!!! wait!!!! we can do better than that!!!!!!!!

READER IS LOST WITHOUT KUROOO!!!! AKDKSKSK and i also love the little addition where despite it being a POUT, she holds it close to her heart. with the context of their banters + that little scene, it just shows me how much each appreciate every ounce of the other party which makes me SO SO SO SOFT AKDJSKDKSK. and then hitting me with the scene where reader is eating a meal alone??? a punch in the gut. when she realised she’s alone I TOO remembered that kuroo is gone and that softness established in the previous scene is sUCKED OUT—ASKDKSKSKSK. 

im just a little obsessed with the little things and gestures that make u fall in love with someone? like the specific way my friend twirls her pen while were in lectures, or how my dad has that one little smile when hes amused himself with his own joke... and for that to be a last lifeline for her to hold on to before he leaves :’))) I JUST LOVE EST RELATIONSHIP FICS OK?!

hehehe yes im sorry about that puch to the gut oops 😇 that was a scene i had super clear in my head before i started - the bright, bright string against the relative drab of the table and room.

i’m at the part where reader gets lost and let me tell u, the fact they have a WAY to communicate via string pulling alone is SO ENDEARING and just subtly hints they have been at this whole red string thing for AGES (or at least enough to form such an understanding). that’s ADORABLE and really strengthens the bonds they have together 

yessssssssssss as soon as i thought of this idea i knew it had to be an established relationship. i have it in my brain they have been married maybe 2-3 years?? i am such a sucker for unspoken understanding relationships :’)

“You push hurriedly through the crowd, ducking between market stalls and wagons. There’s no string to follow, but you don’t need it to find him today.” THIS SENTENCE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL in the context of the entire story. and what a perfect way to describe/show the reader that it’s THE DAY. MOO, you’re really serving such great kuroo x reader stories please continue AHHAHA

this entire fic was so self indulgent please dshlfkljadsb but im glad u like this line!! i tend to try visualise the scene like a movie first? and then write it, and this was also one of the first scenes that was super clear in my brain :D

402 DAYS!!!! I SEE WHAT U DID THERE 👀👀 also, is this is a little hint to how u had to wait until the end to see timeskip kuroo? HAHAHA that wld be adorable

WAIT YO THATS CLEVER? I DIDT EVEN- ava when i say that is a COMPLETE coincidence... i literally just picked a number that was longer than 365 days... breaking news i am a secret genius JKBDSCN

i also really liked the “in-between”: of reader’s life without kuroo. u can really see how integrated they are to each other’s lifestyle, and not only that, the scene where reader handles a twin’s birth (to me) strengthens how they’re reallllly soulmates. there is a low chance that kuroo knew reader was in a desperate situation, yet he pulled on the string at the time reader needed it. it’s just—telapathy but not really + soulmate system = SOULMATES. do i make sense? and i really love the details, like how we can trace back kuroo’s scar to a moment of reader’s life in the fic. putting it at the end sort of makes me reflect on their situations that happened simultaneously yet not really. it sort of fills me in with this,,, space. that the earth is so wide. i understand deeper what reader means by “oh he’s going to be gone for so long”. it’s just. wow. the earth is so big yk.

YES YOU MAKE TOTAL SENSE!!! it's such a lovey way of looking at it :') can they communicate and understand eachother like this cuz theyre soulmates? or just because they love each other and have learnt the other inside out?? hhnn this is why i love soulmate aus, theres so much to pull apart!!!

and ok yes on the topic of how big the earth is... im so glad u mentioned this, its my favourite part because (not to get like... super sappy or anything) i was writing this through the toughest stages of our second lockdown. our restrictions got to the point we werent allowed further than 5km from out homes, so writing about freedom and big spaces and exploration of far off places was such a nice escape for me :’) this fic has ended up very close to my heart. (plus i was reading @/w-yuren’s hq0819 series at the time so i had travel and adventure on the brain hehe) 

THE ENDING.... THE ENDING.... THE WAY KUROO ASKED READER TO KI** HIM—IT’S LIKE THE KUROO IN MY HEAD YESSSSS. Gosh, this line too “when he kisses you he tastes like the sea; like salt-spray and dry rations and freedom.” may i have a director’s cut abt it :3 AND AKDJSKSK. i really love how the string appeared even tho they were together (the scene before kuroo docked on the ship) and once again, they are together, but none of them are lost because they r together-together. do i make sense? am i overreading things??? again, i have to comment on the banter. it’s simply amazing. kuroo’s replies are so,, KUROO, and they are filled with such FONDNESS I’M SO AKDKSKSK.

IM SO GLAD HE VIBES THANK U I THINK THE FONDNESS IS MY BIAS SHOWING BUT SHHHHH ;P you have picked one of my favourite lines out heheh it was one that just flowed out and wasnt one i particularly had to think about which is always nice. but i think it is a combo of me trying to be fancy lol and me being a huge fan of fantasy-books-set-on-ships. think like explorers or pirates, some rag tag bunch who have to set off on some quest and come back with some of that wildness imbued in their very being... yeah this line was definitely born from me Yearning i think :P

ooo do you mean the wedding scene? that was me trying to hit the ‘feeling lost in a crowd’ idea. you know when youre surrounded by people and joy and laughter and you just feel very small and disconnected? that.

ALSO READER’S DYANAMICS WITH KARASUNO CHARACTERS IS ADORABLE AKDKSKSKK. the festival scene was such a breather and it was adorable to see her interact with those characters. it feels like a snapshot in her life i simply adore that :3

ahh yea! i wanted her to have a life, you know? shes not the type to mope around, like life goes on. that doesnt mean she doesnt miss him oof but theres a whole community around to support her too!! and im very fond of takeda in this scene :’) he takes care of his crows <3

I RAMBLED SO BAD BUT THANK U AGAIN LOVELY I CANT EXPLAIN HOW AMAZING THESE ARE TO RECIEVE <3  

[dawnowar]

I spend all this time by myself

and i use it to think about everything. 

Before Covid-19 i was fed up with my clients for getting me sick all the time and kind of sick of the rut I was in and starting to think about what else I might like to do. The truth is I wanted to workout. Like all the time. I was considering the possibility of maybe becoming an instructor even though I know its not a money-maker because it was the thing i was most interested in spending my time doing.

But then came the lockdown and I packed in my business and got a job stocking grocery store shelves. Which I liked. Its just that perfect combo of physical and fussy work that I liked so much and I could listen to podcasts and no one had reason to take issue with what I was or wasn’t doing. I just couldn’t sleep during the day. I couldn’t do it. 

So i got a work-from-home job and now i dont go anywhere or do anything with anyone and I’m home all day by myself.

I get better at it being home all the time by myself the more I do it which is both good, because thats the best way to be right now, and bad because I find myself less and less interested in connecting with other people. 

Not out of fear of coronavirus or anything like that, but once I quit facebook I realized that mostly wasnt any real connection with anyone on there. Just chatter and wasted emotion over things that don’t matter at all if you don’t log in. 

I decided it’d be better to try to reach out to people individually. At least one every day. To stay connected. to be connected. to really be connected.

but then maybe one day i didnt feel like it and ive kind of mostly stopped doing that too. 

I was video chatting with people when we were all staying home but everyone’s just stopped doing it. Everyone just started pretending Covid-19 wasn’t a thing anymore and going back out and doing everything they normally would but just carrying a mask around with them. I guess that’s sort of tempting but then not really either. I mean the things i used to do that im not doing now are standing in small sweaty rooms with people breathing on each other. Whether thats workouts or bars, its exactly the activities to avoid and I never did much else. So I stay home now by myself.

I don’t get a lot of invites to hang out w people, although i could do the inviting and people would come over but it makes me think thoughts about how all my adult life I’ve been the kind of person who goes out and knows everyone everywhere she goes. And then I go home. By myself. On purpose. 

I’ve always lived alone on purpose. And i go out when i want to socialize with other people. But my home is my oasis of personal peace where everything is mine and its just the way I like it and I can relax and no one else is invited.

So its comfortable here. I have my cats and my TV and a big bag of coffee and my alexa and its fine. I’m fine here. 

I do a lot of thinking. About why im like this and why its not normal and who cares if it is or not and how I never intended to be all alone for lengths of time like this when I set up my life this way, and how its kind of OK even though I kind of wish I had a partner to do stuff with and be close to since I don’t.

But not because i feel like I need one.

Because I feel like it’d be nice to have one sometimes.

I always had people around me whenever i wanted people around me. I was never a person who was lacking for companionship. 

So here I am, lacking for companionship, and i feel OK mostly about it. Strangely enough. But i feel like im not supposed to be OK, which makes me feel even weirder about getting better at this as I go. 

Here I am at i think its the 5 1/2 month mark now, isn’t it? 

and its fine. Still. 

I don’t love my job but I love that i got it. I mean I made a huge pivot as fast as I could when I saw this pandemic thing for what it was. what it is. and in fact, my first one didnt work out so i made a second one and now im in a great position to survive. 

Even if everyone else kind of said fuck it, who cares how many people die, im not staying in anymore... Here I am ready to ride it all out, probably for as long as it takes in a good position financially and personally. Go me. I am proud of myself for figuring out what to do. 

But at the same time, as i settle into my new work-from-home schedule, i find myself less and less interested in socializing at all with anyone and more and more okay with staying home by myself.

I dream about X boyfriends because i dont have any current ones to dream about and I don’t have anything interesting to talk about with people because nothings happened to me. Maybe thats why I don’t want to socialize anymore. They don’t have anything to talk about either. 

The zoom chats got super-boring after the first few weeks because no one was doing anything and we all just ran out of stuff to talk about. 

So I stay home by myself and i think about things. Everything. Every single thing i’ve ever done in my whole life. I think about all of it in some detail. Look at it from some new vantage point. Why im like i am, the things that have happened to me to shape me into this person, the things I’ve done and the way I’ve handled them and what i didn’t know i could have or should have done at the time instead of what I actually did. How things might have turned out differently for better or for worse if this had happened or that had happened or if i’d known what i know now or if that one thing hadn’t happened or if that other thing had happened.

And how mostly it would all just have all always played out again the same way due to the circumstances of the moment even if I had it to do over. And how that’s fine. Because thats how I got to where I’m at right now. And im fine. 

Even if I am alone in a pandemic that doesnt seem to be ending anytime soon.

I guess i can just go back out again whenever I feel ready to do that like everyone else seems to have already done. 

Or maybe I never will. 

I wanted a change. I was already starting to spend a lot less time going out and knowing everybody. Thanks to the divisive politics of a certain president, I’d come to see a lot of ‘friends’ of mine in a different light and distanced myself from a good amount of people in the last few years, but that’s only part of what was going on with me. 

For whatever reason, the last few years, my love-life has been a string of the guys I’m really into not liking me back or not taking me seriously as a real partner, while the very few guys who seem to show any real interest in me are the ones I don’t like back. 

So I was down a lot of friends and there were no boyfriends and going out was depressing unless there was a band i liked playing. Because I’m at this age now where im like 20+ years too old for the guys in this college town, so there’s no one to meet and if the band playing isn’t any good then it was just a waste of time and money to go out. 

Staying home is fine for me, but I do wonder if this is it for me. This is the rest of my life. I’m a spinster with cats and that’s it. I never had kids cause i never wanted any. I’ve always been fine with that. But when theres nothing to do and nowhere to go and I’m alone all the time, maybe having had kids wouldn’t have been so bad if they would be people i could be doing stuff with.

But do I even want to do stuff? I don’t even know. I mean i could do stuff but I dont want to. I could invite people over to hang out in my backyard, but I dont think i want to. In another month it’ll be cold for hanging out outside. 

Will I want to do stuff then?? or will the numbers go back up once people are all indoors breathing on each other all the time again? 

Will I be happy I have this job i dont like in my house? I get to stay here and be safe and do whatever i want to do whenever i want to do it by myself all the time. Till its over. or till im done. whichever comes first. or whichever comes last.

What will things look like when its over? What will I be like when it’s over? Will it even ever be over? I know no one knows. But this is what I think about. It’s all I do. Think about all of this. Think about everything I’ve ever done and everything I ever will do and everyone I ever did anything with.

And how I’m fine.

and whether or not I should be fine. 

and if being fine in and of itself while I’m alone for months during a global pandemic is all really just some issues I have because of being raised poorly. 

Or maybe I’m just fine and doing well.

and maybe I’m just thinking about everything because I’m not on facebook. And maybe everyone is on facebook because they don’t want to be thinking about everything.

[domjaehyun]

lmao basically ive always listened to eight by iu independently but my friend told me what its about and then me being rlly annoying and self destructive, i got rlly into analyzing each piece of the music video and stuff and im just reminded to the times where i thought abt ending my life and i'm low key wanting to do it now (but dont worry i wont haha like i'm too pussy to do it ngl bc i wanna die, but im scared of dying) and idk whats going on anymore with everything (p1)

more under the cut! sorry this took so long i wanted to make sure i paid attention to the whole message

(p2) like i strongly think that i could never impact anyone in a positive light in a way that people would mourn me when i die? if that makes sense. and i just feel like im constantly bothering and annoying people. and i confessed to a friend abt like some dark family stuff the other day and we had our first video call since then and they seemed to look and talk to me differently, which is fair bc dark family stuff _is a lot_ and like a rlly dumb and unnecessarily dramatic story

and like idk im finding it hard to be alive esp rn bc like i cant distract myself like i normally do bc lockdown, im away from my friends bc they all went to their hometowns, im still shitty at online communication (which btw, bc of my social anxiety - i often avoid and which is why living in dorms was amazing bc my friends would drag me out haha) and then im not even home and at my stepdads place but my dogs and my aunt(the woman who raised me bc my mom was absent w me and not my brothers) (p3)

(p4) are in a whole different country with worse off health care and their numbers are spiking and im just concerned for her and her family (she's not rlly my aunt, she's like my legal guardian) bc they're not that well-off and i have a particular urge to not be anywhere and i also feel like such a disturbance to everyone in my life and ugh and i finally got away from staying @ my brother's (whose vv toxic and made me get the urge to self harm) and am at my stepdads, but now my mom is trying to

(p5) to convince him to come and stay here as well. i get it - she wants us to be together, but my mental health will just deteriorate. not to mention, my mom and brother combined are the toxic-est duo ever (i found out they placed a bet w another family member saying i won't pass high school / get into the college i want + went "wow she's actually smart"). and like my mom is consistently on my back now abt what i wanna do when im older when i have no clue myself

(p6) lmao and my school is complete bullshit but thats a whole other thing but like this feeling of just numbness and emptiness has been filling me up the last few days and idk what the frick to even do bc idk i just feel trapped in every way possible

and sorry for bothering or disturbing you abt this, you probably have a lot on your plate rn and im just adding more to it haha

—

Okay I’m gonna try and go sentence by sentence so I don’t miss anything!!

So I’ve never listened to eight but maybe I should; I will listen later tonight! I’m so sorry that the song triggered those memories for you, and do you think it might be best not to listen to it anymore? I’m happy you won’t do it but your reason is still upsetting; I want you to be alive not because you’re scared to die, but because you want to live. It’s a rough rough journey, I know from experience, but it’s so worth it when you get where you want to be.

I can say with confidence that you’re not bothering me at all, and that if you’re one of my regular anons then I’m sure I like hearing from you and would notice if you were gone and would also miss you. People may have been impacted by you in ways you didn’t even notice; we have no idea how much we mean to other people in our lives! I think that your friend treating you and looking at you differently is a big sign that they’d care if you were gone even if the gesture itself is a bit upsetting. I would try talking to them about it and telling them how that makes you feel!

Lockdown is definitely taking a toll on a lot of people so I completely understand why you’d feel that way, especially given your home situation. It’s super important in times like these to find something that makes you happy and maybe hyper fixate on it to distract yourself from your everyday life! Have you tried a new show, a new hobby, a new fandom? If you’re a creative, you could try a new big project to invest your time into! I totally understand your social anxiety, I tend to get that way myself; it’s important to take note of your mental state and if you’re not in the right headspace to answer messages, you’re well within your rights to say that!

I can definitely sense how worried you are about your aunt; do you have ways of contacting her and talking to her and maybe seeing your dogs over FaceTime? If your mom isn’t a good source of support, I would avoid her as much as possible; again, try the new project/hobby/fixation I mentioned earlier! If you’re able to, I would communicate to your mom how you’re feeling and how your brother’s addition to the household could really impact you negatively. Your mom doesn’t sound super understanding though, so maybe take the method of avoidance with that as much as you can.

It’s perfectly okay not to know what you want to do with your life and I think you could/should tell your mom that and communicate that it stresses you out and takes a toll on your mental health when she asks you that.

My lingering advice is to find something that makes you feel free and happy and something you can temporarily lose yourself in. And please don’t worry about being a burden or anything or like you’re dumping things on me; you’re confiding in a friend, okay? And I’ll do my best to be here for you as much as possible! I love you, okay? I would notice and miss you if you weren’t here, and you can come talk to me anytime!

[queerlynx]

tagged by @elinaline​ lets fucking go 

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

my what (have you seen my hair, seriously) 

2. name of a food you never eat?

garlic and i WILL die on that hill 

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

always too fucking warm. im literally never cold. people ask me 10x/day ‘arent you cold’ even tho ive told them 1000x that no, i am never cold 

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

i think i was still at the shops or maybe getting ready to go to the shops? 

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

always a slut for a snickers 

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

i dont think so? what would i do there anyways ……oh wait no i went along to a professional tennis game w my ex’s brother i think? i can barely remember it was like 6 years ago 

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

genuinely can’t remember even tho it was probs less than 15mn ago to my flatmate. most likely something about the cat being cute. or maybe it was TO the cat. who knows. 

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

chocolate probably? or banana? banana and chocolate is also good 

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

lemonade cause thats all i drink 

10. do you like your wallet?

it’s BB-8!!! so yeah of fucking course 

11. what was the last thing you ate?

a bagel w blue cheese laughing cow, ham, and one of them shitty toastie super processed cheese slices 

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

me and whose money lmaoo i can barely afford food rn 

13. last sporting event you watched?

nope 

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

recently ive discovered you can drizzle maple syrup on popcorn and oh boy. other than that probs salted caramel sauce. but like i almost never have popcorn 

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

im gonna assume this is any message and not just tumblr, in which case it was my fiancé @yearningcurve on whatsapp 

16. ever go camping?

i love camping but last time i went was at least 6 years ago ): 

17. do you take vitamins?

lol no 

18. do you go to church every Sunday?

………moving swiftly on 

19. do you have a tan?

i avoid sunlight like the plague so i’ll let you figure that one out 

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

probs pizza but i like both 

21. do you drink soda with a straw?                      

i chug it straight from the bottle lol who’s got the time 

22. what colour socks do you wear?

im almost constantly barefoot unless i HAVE to put on shoes and even then i won’t always put socks on if i’m not gonna be outside for long 

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

im always p much 5mph above the speed limit (fun fact, the display in cars shows your speed as roughly 2mph higher than it actually is, you can check it against a gps on your phone; AND speed cameras allow for +5mph anyway, so why the fuck wouldnt i be) 

24. what terrifies you?

like in general?? people leaving me, rejecting me, abandoning me, cutting me out, hating me in secret; not being a good person or liked or useful; people thinking i’m annoying or embarrassing or ridiculous or boring; the list goes on 

25. look to your left what do you see?

a very roumd and somft kitty :3 

26. what chore do you hate?

anything administrative or on the phone. i dont think it counts as chores but i genuinely enjoy tidying and cleaning so. 

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

i cant tell an australian accent when i hear one 

28. what’s your favourite soda?

lemonade, or fanta 

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

ever since ive gotten a car p much always drive thru cause why would i sit in a crowded fast food restaurant w screeching kids and angry karens when i could enjoy my disgusting feast in my own home??? 

30. who was the last person you talked to?

IRL that’d be my flatmate 

t31. favourite cut of beef?

sirloin 

32. last song you listened to?

Echoes by the Rapture, it played on my shuffle in my car and reminded me of how good Misfits was lmao 

33. last book you read?

it would’ve been over seven or eight years ago. can’t remember. 

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a 

apparently so but it took a while tbh 

35. how do you like your coffee?

i mostly drink flat whites w hazelnut when i drink coffee but tbh despite being a barista w a professional grade home coffee machine i barely ever drink any outside of work lmao 

36. favourite pair of shoes?

grinders boots AND my trans pride converses. can’t pick between them soz 

37. the time you normally go to bed?

really is no normal. anytime between midnight and like up to 5am esp rn during lockdown. i never went to sleep last night actually i’ve been awake for like 28h now 

38. the time you normally wake up?

see above. anytime between 10am and like 6pm depending on when i went to bed. outside of lockdown i would wake up exactly an hour before i have work, so anytime between 5am-11am 

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

sunsets but i really love both 

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

one bedsheet and one soft blanket 

41. describe your kitchen plates?

they’re green. nobody is surprised 

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

cider. i be drinkin that shit like its juice 

43. do you play cards?

not really altho on lockdown i’ve taught my flatmates a french card/money game called Nain Jaune and they enjoy it so that makes me happy 

44. what colour is your car?

dark red like……burgundy kinda? 

45. can you change a tire?

probably not lol 

46. your favourite province?

province of what lol. either way it’s Brittany. 

47. favourite job you’ve had?

ive only ever had the one lmao so, barista it is 

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

top surgery (’: 

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

fuck if i know. i guess i made coffee for my flatmates but like i do it everyday so they p much expect it by now i dont think it makes them any happier or like if it does they dont really say it rip 

not a big fan of tagging ppl so just. do it if you wanna lol 

[gut-her-girl]

the story so far (tw!!)

first non reblog post <3 feels weird not just lurking but refreshing to have a safe space to share things even if its just going into the void. 

(im 21 and 5′8″ for reference)

i n t r o d u c t i o n 

i cant remember not having a shitty relationship with food and my body, but id say it got bad around 16 (depression, family trauma, shit hit the fan & all that) it started out as strictly bingeing as a coping mechanism, im talking whole frozen pizzas daily, a family sized bag of chips in one sitting, a 12 pack of soda a week, i could go on... like i said shit was bad. gained a ton of weight that year, pulled myself out of that depressive hole and some how lost the extreme bingeing weight but i saw photos of myself from that year and thats when the hatred for my body started. things leveled out weight wise for awhile, ate like shit and binged but i think my metabolism was crazy fast in highschool so i was always average or on the thin side, just tried my best to avoid being naked in front of mirrors, going to the beach, out of sight out of mind. then senior year i got into a relationship (relationship weight is real folks!!) gained a ton of weight due to that... tried to diet, exercise, worked for awhile, failed, binged, repeat, got fat again. 

c o l l e g e  p t 1

the summer after graduation i broke up with my boyfriend and left for college where all i did was sleep, party, and juul. when i left for school i was around 150-145... go to the doctor a few months into school all of the sudden im 120 lbs and id say this is when my intentional restriction started. when i was skinny i got so much positive attention, male validation, female validation, everyone thought i was pretty and i had never been the pretty girl. when id come home for break my family would mention how much weight id lost and i started to live for that shit. continued my diet of vodka and nicotine through sophomore year of college. that year i moved in with a girl who struggled with disordered eating and without knowing she taught me everything i needed to know. she was constantly talking calories, obsessive workouts, had my absolute dream body but called herself fat every chance she got, learned about intermittent fasting, diet coke, rice cakes, gum... basically got an ed starter pack without even knowing lmao. 

c o l l e g e  p t 2

sophmore year i maintained around 120 (even hit 119 at one point <3) going into the covid lockdown the summer after sophomore year i was dirt poor... like shop lifting food just to eat poor. id say i ate strictly plain oatmeal for around 3 months, with the occasional jar of peanut butter here and there and i didnt have a car so i walked everywhere, like at least 2 hrs daily. we didnt have a scale in the house but i was visibly losing weight and i finally started to appreciate parts of me that id always hated... my hips dips, my legs, my smaller chest. i still felt fat most of the time but those fleeting moments were so nice. i remember coming home to meet my niece and nephew and my sister told me she was worried about my weight loss and asked me if i had an eating disorder, when she said those things it made me proud even though i knew it was wrong. i also remember some friends came to town that summer and they tried to be kind and buy me food when we went out to eat and i didnt know how to say no so i accepted, but eating and having a full stomach after being hungry for so long made me feel disgusting. after i got home i was sitting there full and nauseous and i decided to purge for the first time. my thought process was, i pull trig when im drunk and it makes me feel better so it seemed logical, and so thats what i did whenever i felt full the next few months. things really went down hill for me mentally that summer, i was so alone, i started self harming again, and being so small was one of the few things that made me happy.

g o i n g  h o m e

fast foward to october of 2020 and i decide to move home to save money. my body mustve been in starvation mode after months of restriction and daily exercise because i swear to god my body has hung on to every fucking calorie since i got home and had more access to food. i hardly left the house for a few months so i only wore sweats and baggy shirts, i knew id gained some weight but i was trying not to think about it and to listen to my sister who was constantly preaching fuel your body, self love, etc. one day i go to put on my favorite pair of jeans and they dont fit. i mean not even fucking close. i dont know how it happened or how id completely lost control of my everything but id catapulted back up to pre college weight and it broke me. i was consumed with self hatred, i had constant breakdowns and went right back to avoiding the mirror, never getting dressed, no fucking way was i gonna get on a scale because then it would make it real that the weight was back and all my hardwork was gone. its like i lost my identity, everything that had made me pretty. so i tried to do it the “right way” started working out, making sure i was in a small calorie deficit and finally worked up the courage to get on the scale only to have it say 146... pre college weight... even after all the work id been putting in. i tried to continue that way and just ignore the problem but my friends are so skinny and so beautiful and i just want to be excited to take pictures with them again, i just want to be me again. 

n o w 

soooo now im back to restricting and fasting and lots of walking (trying to avoid bingeing and purging at all costs) and ive been seeing some visible changes but i hadnt weighed myself until today and im down to 134, seeing progress made me so fucking happy. im going to get back to my happy pretty self and i feel so safe here even though so far all ive done is read what everyone else has to say. ive never shared my struggles with anyone and now i have an outlet, its comforting to see people my age here and it just feels nice to not feel crazy and alone. 

[pillybaxto]

Today marks the end of CB for me. Really gonna miss working from home and pausing life for a second. Admittedly, before CB, i did find life a little repetitive and boring and bleah. But this lockdown has just sent me a timely reminder that these shouldnt be taken for granted as they can literally be taken away from us overnight. Through this pause, I have worked on myself: 1. Today nathan's cute mumsy dyed my hair ashy mint. Did my brows and successfully bluffed the brows auntie im a student :) avoid signing package easily while feeling happy. 2/3. On Fri we played one last match of CB Lim mahjong tournament. @isitgerald is the champion (close but good fight). Haha 4. Practised alot on my digital doodles @pillybaxtoodles and learning more about social marketing etc! Setup my website and all! Excited to channel my work stress to churn out more art 5. Bonded so much more with my terrapin President. I feel like a busy career mum finally bonding with her son haha. Love love love P and finding him super cute and grumpy!!! 💚 6. Revisited Avatar the Last Airbender and just reignited my love for the series. Its so damn fucking good and defo not a kids show 7. Broke keto :( living life for 29 years, i have never had my mums cooking weekly, let alone daily. Its amazing. Gonna miss having lunch and dinner while watching yoyo 幼儿园 宝贝全世界w my fam everyday. Will get my ass back 8. Deep deeeeeep deeeeeep cleaned my room big time. Havent done so much cleaning for years. I love my squeaky clean room that i still maintain after 2 months 9. Had @therealkateflannery repost my art work!! Kate Flannery aka Meredith Palmer!!! Super super psyched!!! 10. Worked on my stamina as well - did pretty decent amount of hiit, yoga. Did a ton of meditation too and its amazing. This pause is timely as it is a great chance to work on myself before i move on to my new life in 6 months. Cheers to our re-birth people! 🍻 brand new perspective; brand new normal. (at Berry Bar Cherry) https://www.instagram.com/p/CB--zL0HkImEfPTXGJiaOPenpQJKFPNZUQr9RI0/?igshid=18n2id1s55k7i

[notyobabygirl]

hey gf so im back in my hometown from college and its kinda of a small town and all my friends live in the suburbs of chicago so basically im just stuck in my hometown and me and my friends from home dont rlly talk all that much bc everyones been doing their own thing and most of them live in my college town. idk im just struggling w being kind of lonely and like pressure to be having fun all the time bc i see everybody living their best life this summer do you ever feel this way or have any words of advice. its just been super hard bc my life at school is completely diff and im always doing something.

it can be so hard from being at college then going back to your hometown. I deff have struggled with that when I would come home, especially last year during lockdown. if I were you, I would reach out toy our home friends and ask them how they are and what they are doing. you never know, they might be thinking the same thing and they are feeling lonely too and wanna do something. you have nothing to lose so reach out to people you might wanna do something with and see what happens there. I also learned to feel happy and comfortable being by myself. I use to hate being alone and now I actually appreciate the quietness and doing what I want when I want. being home from college feels kinda like a break and a chance for me to catch up on things or really be the person I want to be. take this opportunity to meet the goals you have and truly be the best version of yourself

[isaacathom]

im thinking the big Fires in Urica took place just a year ago - that way i can have all that evocative bushfire country without having to explain why its been so bad for so long. can have ruins n burnt out cars and shit. i mean, youd assume the cars would be gone, but theres probably some around. like, i thinking one location near Gym 6 is the ‘Scorched Forest’ - wasn’t always its name, but it will be many years before its original name is fitting again. its full of firey pokemon and probably some Komalas. and i thinking on the route through the forest, there could be burnt out cars there, that people abandoned as they realised they couldnt make it north and fled back south, to town. itll be probably be all around the lake and a bit further north along the route to the next town.

plus it means that the idea of the Org slowly eroding at the status of gym leaders is actually happening. Even if its because of an event the org/team weren’t involved in (i fucking hope), theyll take advantage of this fact. they are similarly waiting on the 8th gym leader to make a slip. They ARE aware of the laundering, of the money stealing, but they’re waiting for a public slip, or a good moment to capitalise on this knowledge to swoop and kick the out.

the only gym leader who doesnt strictly fit this mold is Isaac, who is firmly in the Org’s hands as an ally. but thats part of the idea - theyre supposed to be the orgs connection to the people. theyre an authority - they ARE a gym leader! and if they’re suggesting the gym leaders are failing in their duty, you’re inclined to believe them, yknow! so, if the Org can find a few ‘good’ gym leaders, convince them to side with them, they’ve got it all in the palms of their hands. Sonya is probably the only real spanner in the works because she’s very vocal about how irresponsible the Org firefighters were during the Big Fires by listening to the Gym Leader at the cost of peoples lives. shes basically the only problem. all the other gym leaders fall neatly into place. except for maybe gym 5, which would explain the delivery your character is sent on - Felicity would very much like to start making connections with 5 so she can keep a better eye on him and catch him if he slips, which he inevitably will. of course, 5 is so astoundingly lazy that this actually fails, because he makes you take it to the mayor of a near by town instead, because he refuses to deal with it. an older man who tries his best and thus is of little use to the Org.

the plan of the Org, really, is to dismantle the gym leaders while boosting their own ‘ratings’, if you will, so that eventually there will be noone to prevent them holding total control. the order of events gets a little shaky, but be assured that throughout ANY Team events in the game, the Org is sabotaging the gym leaders to make them look incompetent. except for a few, like Isaac, who they are deliberately securing as a power base. the city is very safe. there are a couple of slips, mostly because sometimes something has to happen (something such as what will probably introduce you to the Team :D). thats when they call Rhia in. in fact, ooh ooh, ooooooooh. i can play into that with when Rhia meets you. like shes telling you to watch out for Elliot, that he isnt super trustworthy, and then she has to leave, hence not getting into specifics. because SHE, over any other police officer, is called to handle an occurence in the city - because shes the least mobile. yknow, w/ the walking stick. she’s faster than they think, but you can only go so fast. though, if theres an event with Rhia in the city, that doesnt really let me do the whole ‘skip the gym’ thing.... hmm. well, it doesnt necessarily, but.... hm. there was definitely going to be an event in 3rd town, with Will, but having Rhia in that seems like overkill. we’ll just say the city is Safe. until the whole Fuck Shit, anyway.

what causes that, anyway? is it staged as like, a Team raid? an Org lockdown? both?? just a big fuck off confrontation. like, i guess the idea is that Team/Org is preparing to find the Legendary pokemon (whooo areeeee where???? where????? the east??????) and the Team is supposedly trying to attack the Org headquarters to prevent them interfering. so the city is in chaos as they come under Team attack (with a Team that seems suspiciously numerous) but you, having learnt the truth while you were in town 8 (theres a base there and Zeke probably tips you off, or Elliot, or both) strike at the Org tower with your bros to try and fuck them up. then you get to the top (dealing with Rhia and your rival, possibly) and fight Felicity and Dante, and both of them fucking scatter. just phoop right outta there. go ‘oh fuck’ and leave. whether they then both head for the legendary or just Dante, im not sure. i think the idea is that they split up, with Felicity attempting to salvage the Org, and Dante going to finish the Team shit, because someones gotta do it. course you kick his ass, he gets arrested (by the Champion, odds on), and you’ve done it. gj, buddy. Felicity PROBABLY intended to meet back up with Dante so she could take the legendary off of him and present it to the public. the thing with this event now, with you throwing a spanner in the works, is that now they have noone to frame. you already arrested Small Fry earlier (uh, nooorth? around SOnya’s town but not actually related to Sonya. well, not explicitly. the implication is that theyre probably trying to fuck her over), and while Jun was supposed to be there, in order to take the fall, he is currently still in the City dealing with the fucking riot shit. Rhia has gone AWOL in the sense that Dante sure as shit cant contact her (shes either like. in the city helping. contacting the International Police. or like. chasing down Felicity but with a huge delay so shes substantially behind). There’s noone left for Dante and Felicity to throw under the bus except each other, and they cant Do that. Dante probably has a few grunts with him, who were scoping the place in advance, but none of them are Big enough to take the fall adequately. theyre stuck. its a desperation move. instead of taking the legendary as the Orgs property, he plans to take it as th Team’s property, and if he’s not seen with it, he’s still fine. he’ll delay the big confrontation until a time when he can set someone up. he’ll capture the legendary and flee. of course, you arrive before Felicity ever can, defeat him, free/tame the legendary, and the Champion also arrives to fuck up his day. nicely done.

this went tangential as fuck but i suppose the summary is - the org is slowly eroding trust in the League by presenting themselves as the superior defensive body (by throwing the gym leaders under the bus, notably ex-6, 5, Will, and 8, with shades of 7). Sonya’s town is burnt to shit still. The city goes into turmoil after Felicity locks you in the base in town 8 (from which you are freed by Elliot, probably), as a ‘distraction’ by the Team so they can go claim the legendary. of course, the People dont know this, but the Org do. so Dante and Felicity prepare to leave for the legendaries place (theyre waiting on a few key individuals, notably Jun) until you arrive with your Squad and you fuck them up. they flee separately, with Felicity seemingly disappearing, and Dante appearing at the legendary’s home to capture it. you fuck him up, he’s arrested by the Champion, all is well.

also Isaac is Org-loyal and its a deliberate plan to keep using the good influence of the gym leaders in order to get rid of the bad ones. eroding the power source as a whole, if that makes sense. Isaac is trusted by the people and as such anything they say that’s against gym leaders, even slightly, would be more readily accepted than anyone else saying it.

[dawnowar]

It’s Labor Day

I have today off and no plans and no plans to make any or get any really. I may go look at something. I went and looked at stuff last weekend and it did my soul a lot of good. 

I’ve done a great job doing nothing with nobody so far and I don’t feel like I should blow that now. The rest of America didn’t make it past the first month and just decided to breathe on each other pretty much and get the coronavirus and then people die or whatever.

Looks like the dire predictions all came true but now we are on the other side no one cares unless their Dad died. I seem to know a good amount of people who’s fathers have died. I guess theres all kinds of people of every description dying but my own experience at this moment is seeing posts from people who’s Dads have died.

I suppose i could be less strict since I am not immunocompromised and just go out and do stuff like everyone else. I’m fully aware I am putting these limitations on myself, but truth is that i’d spent the previous year or two scaling back from knowing everyone everywhere all the time and not having any substantive relationships with any of them, because it wasn’t satisfying. And because stuff happened. And when stuff happened to me, I never had any backup. No one ever took my side on anything ever. 

I could go into details but these are beefs I had that are two and three years old now in some cases and even I can’t recall all the specifics, just that people let me down when I needed them. People close to me. Or people i thought were close to me. or people I thought might become close to me. 

Let down by almost everyone more or less. As I said, the specifics are lost and the point has passed on so much of this, and that combined with my work families getting me sick all last Fall, because they dont care if they get me sick or not.... I didnt just shut down my business w coronavirus. I shut down everything.

And it was a relief. and im not sorry for any of it. 

Before coronavirus....I’d pretty much stopped going out and stopped going to see bands unless it was my friends bands. I still have some of those. Had some. I dont know whats what now since im not around. I’m that one girl you see when you go out. So everyone knows me and no one cares about me after they go home.

I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for me. But that’s the reality of my life. Or it has been. With the Covid I’ve taken notice of who has checked on me, asked me to do stuff, kept in touch and who hasn’t. 

It’s not a surprising list.

So I keep to myself because ultimately i think i just want to. 

I’m not in any hurry to get infected with a thing that may or may not kill me or the people I’d spread it to. But i’m also a lot older than most of my friends and I may be ready to hang up my rock and roll lifestyle.

I mean ill always be rock and roll, but I’m old people now and that might be fine too. I don’t know how to act my age. I never did. I’m convinced its a trap. But i’ve only drank 2x since March and I probably didnt need to either time. I’m spending way less money and im enjoying the challenge of living life without bars and clubs and shows.

I’m only just scratching the surface of figuring out what other kind of life I could lead. 

Before Covid I was definitely feeling dissatisfied with my social life, and I wasnt enjoying my work the way I used to and I was starting to think what else I could try next.

Covid-19 lockdown wasn’t even close to any of the ideas I was starting to dream up. Working from home and never going anywhere or doing anything with anybody. But its a change and I needed one of those for sure.

Once i got the work-at-home job, I was able to stop living in survival mode and shift to figuring out how to be comfortable here in my house a lot more than I ever meant to be.

I love my house and it always was a comfortable place for just me to be by myself, so its really just adjusting for this new life where i stay home most of every day. 

Need to get the exercise thing sorted out. I’m having trouble being motivated to walk around the neighborhood anymore since ive seen it and it bores me now. But I’ll figure out something. Its getting cooler now and I think every season poses its own challenges for outdoor exercise. i may never find one thing that always works for me. I may need to constantly change up what im doing. 

Which is a bummer because I love Jazzercise. I’ve done it for years and it’s the only exercise i’ve ever really stuck with.  It’s still happening and I see the instagrams but no fucking way am i going to stand in a small room breathing hard with a bunch of ladies, some of whom support trump and probably are not wearing masks or socially distancing at all. Its safe to assume no one is really at this point in time regardless of their political opinion. I see my liberal atheist friends posting selfies with their friends at parties all gathered together. No one is really doing social distancing anywhere in America as far as I can tell. 

I see infractions constantly which I would outline but I don’t want to be the mask police. I just accept that no one is really doing this. So I’m staying away from everyone till theres a vaccine or a cure or a treatment best I can. 

Which leaves me with outdoor activities.

Never been my thing, and with the summer humidity ive been avoiding all of it. But It’s labor day now and things are cooling off. Truth is that every year when everyone starts putting on flannels and Im still wearing summer clothes because I’m finally comfortable, theres a couple of weeks of what i think is nice weather to take advantage of, so I’m gonna aim to do that.

I don’t know what happens after it gets cold but I’ll figure it out then. Ive always loved outdoor ice skating rinks. Maybe I’ll be able to skate. 

I didn’t get to go on my vacation last year to Chicago because one of the families i worked for got me sick. I meant to skate the ribbon. Maybe i’ll do that this year.