#wait wait one more. Pandora Opens Another Goddamn Box. Will She Ever Learn?

[whimsicalcotton]

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #434

“i hate this town, it’s so washed up, & all my friends don’t give a fuck  /  they’ll tell me that it’s just bad luck, when will i find where i fit in?”

You get a text from your ex. He/she wants to hang out. How do you respond? Admittedly, I would. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you secretly want to be more than friends with? No. Well, there are times where I think I WANT to like-like Girt, but I just don't. And yet he's always been there for me without fail, is super funny and kind and chill... but I think we were just friends for too long; he feels like my brother by this point in time. If your partner smoked, would that be a problem for you? If it was cigarettes, yes. Even weed (UNLESS it was for medicinal purposes and not a constant thing) I'd be iffy about. I just don't want to date a smoker. Lung damage is lung damage and weed actually has more carcinogens, and I don't want to sign myself up for all that. I don't want to watch my partner wither away from nonstop smoking and also have myself suffer from second-hand smoking. When will you next see your best friend? There's no telling. Right now I'm trying to be realistic and responsible with the money I DO ever get and put it towards more important investments, but I really do want to take a plane up there at some point. But that's also waiting until Covid is in the past. Heeeell no would I be stepping into an airport right now, even being vaccinated. How many tattoos would you like to have? Too many to count, ha ha. I want LOADS. Paint me, baby. :') Do you like your first name? I actually do. Have you ever talked to a boyfriend about an ex-boyfriend? Yes. It's kind of inevitable when you go into a new relationship, hoping it'll go well and be seriously invested, that you let your partner know "oh hey, this happened and seriously affected me to where I'm going to have 'my days.'" Greatest birthday gift you ever got? My snake Venus was technically a birthday present, though I obviously picked her out. Worst memory you have? Losing Jason. I can't say enough that the night of the breakup still doesn't feel real. First memory you can remember? My brother going down our slide into the Hurricane Floyd flood in our front yard, ha ha. I was around two, I wanna say? I don't feel like looking up the date of the hurricane. Oldest object you own? When did you get it? I'm sure that would be a stuffed animal we have stored away somewhere. Or my baby blanket, also safely tucked away. Meanest person you know? Why do you feel this way? I don't "know" Colleen anymore, but God knows she fit the bill. She was so fucking rude to people (yes, she was one of those people that bitched out store employees that have no control over things that inconvenienced her), the world revolved around her problems, she started drama with the damn grass... It's funny even picturing how she was my best friend once. My standards were lower for who I could befriend back then, but goddamn. Ever been dumped? By who? Yes, Jason. Technically Sara as well, but "dumped" seems like an unfitting term? Like we just talked it out and sorta mutually agreed that it was wiser that we weren't together at the time. Have you ever dumped someone? Why? Yes, mostly because I didn't like-like them. Juan was more so because I believed a rumor by Rachel, and Tyler, I just wasn't invested in and had NO desire to put up with the "we need to talk every five minutes" crap. Where do you buy most of your food? Wal-Mart. Last house you have been to: whose was it, and why were you there? My sister's, for my nephew's birthday party. Have you ever been a drunk driver? No, and fuck you if you've ever put others (and yourself) at risk like that. One kid you cannot stand? None that I know, and that's very few. Has anyone ever saved your life? Jason and Mom literally have. Last thing you cried about? Ha ha, I finished watching another SOMA playthrough earlier, and I will ALWAYS start to cry at the end. Without fail. Would you sacrifice your life for someone else's baby? I honestly think I would if it was a split-second decision. Tell me about your latest dream: I think my APAP mask wasn't positioned well last night, because I had a SHITLOAD of nightmares. Too many to even remember. Have you ever been in a limo? No. I've always wanted to experience that once, man. Have you ever been the maid of honor in a wedding party? No. Has anyone ever seen you naked? I was born naked, my man. Mom used to give my sister and I baths together, and I took a bath with a best friend once as a kid. Then one other person has. Do you have a calendar? If so, what is the theme of it? Not a current one, no. Nicest thing you have ever done for a complete stranger: I have no idea. Meanest thing you have ever done to a complete stranger: *shrug* Have you ever been sent to the principal's office? If so, why? And how did you feel? Yes, I think because they wanted to ask the reason behind all my morning tardies. I was soooo scared, just being a kid. Person you hope you never run into again: Colleen. Have you ever streaked? Heeeeell no. Why do you hate your ex? I don't hate any of them. What animal did you last pet or hold? Roman, my cat. What color is your hair? It's my natural brunette right now. I want to dye it SO badly. Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms? Yeah. Have you ever had to clean a cat box before? Yeah, seeing as I own an indoor cat. Christmas is coming. Who are you buying gifts for? In the hypothetical situation where I had the money, I'd buy things for my parents, my stepmom, my two immediate sisters, Ash's kids, as well as her husband, but only because I'd feel obligated to as he's considered a close member of the family. I'd also totally get something for Sara! When somebody intimidates you, how do you usually act around them? SCARED. I get quiet, stutter if I do talk, and possibly cry. Is your favorite singer in a band or does he or she ride solo? He was originally the singer of Black Sabbath, but he's been solo for forever now. I prefer him solo, honestly. Did your parents ever hang your old artwork up on the walls? Ohhh yes. Mom still does, ha ha. What is the weirdest obsession you’ve ever had? Nothing really "weird," I think... How long can you be in a car before wanting to get out? It depends on if I have my music or not. If I do, I can last hours, but if not, I don't really like being in the car at all. Have any songs ever inspired you to play an instrument? No. Do you ever use Pandora?No. Are you better with creative writing or writing essays? Creative writing, but I'm fine with both. What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever seen as a pet? I know OF someone who rescued I want to say a baby bobcat, or something along those lines, but I didn't know that guy personally. I don't think I've ever actually met someone with a truly *strange* pet... The most unique I've seen is probably just a chinchilla. If you had to change one, would you rather change your hair or your eyes? My eyes. I don't like them much, mainly the shape. What was your favorite computer game as a kid? I loved the various Oregon Trail games, as well as one I think was called The Amazon Trail 3. Then there was a few dinosaur games I LOVED, and then there were the classic kids' games like the Putt-Putt and Fred the Fish series. Any shows on TV that you flat out refuse to start watching? 13 Reasons Why. I don't even support that show existing. Pajamas with feet: yay or nay? NOOOOOOOO, that is so uncomfortable. What is your opinion on fruitcake? That's an even BIGGER "no." Who did you last dream about? I don't remember. Do you have trouble remembering important things? Yes. .-. I barely remember anything. Which animal can you imitate the best? I dunno? Have you bought any drugs this month? I don't do drugs, so. Have you ever set foot in a tanning bed? Nope, never will. Do you know the Soulja Boy dance? Ha ha, I did as a kid. My then-best friend, younger sister, and I wanted to learn it. I don't remember it now, that's for sure. What is the best ice cream flavor? Ben and Jerry's "Phish Food" is GODLY. Wallpaper on your computer's desktop? Teddy, my late dog. Do you clean when you’re upset? Hell no, I do the opposite: nothing. Do you sleep with the door open or closed? It stays open. My cat would pitch a fit otherwise. Do you know anyone who has actually been in an alcohol or drug related crash? Yes, actually. It was incredibly tragic; the both of them were high (maybe drunk, idr for sure), and my friend was driving with her best friend in the passenger seat. They crashed, and said friend's best friend died. For YEARS she would share pictures of them together on Facebook, "talking" to her, and it was just so heartbreaking. I doubt she's forgiven herself to this day, but she seems to have mostly moved on the best she could, being married with a daughter now. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No, and I do NOT want one. I don't want some random stranger touching me in ANY way. Do you have a good relationship with your first love? No. We haven't talked in years, so maybe he feels no hatred for me at this point, but I do for myself. I don't hate him at all. Do you feel like you have life figured out? bitch hell no What would you do if you were faced with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy (at your current age)? Was I raped? I'd almost certainly abort because I would be traumatized as FUCK. If it was my own fault, I think I'd go through with the pregnancy, but give the baby up for adoption. There is no way I could raise a kid right now. Or probably ever. Water or Gatorade? I don't like either, really, but I HATE Gatorade. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced twice, and I'm thinking of getting it redone again, but this time use a hoop instead of a stud to keep the damn piercing from falling out and closing in my sleep. Have you ever slapped someone? On the arm as a kid. That doesn't excuse it, though. Who are the pictures of in the room? I have a lot of posters, but no real photographs of anyone. Have your parents ever smoked pot? Dad did a lot of drugs before I was born, but Mom's never touched anything. I think. Would you ever consider moving to a different country? I'd love to live in Canada, if that didn't entail leaving my family. What is your favourite food from your culture? Cheeseburgers, alsdf;alwer Do you know any pick-up lines in a foreign language? No. What degree are you or will you pursue while in college? I've dropped out of college three times. I am never going back to major in anything. I changed my major quite a few times while I was there. Favorite arcade game? I don't really have one. One of my life goals is to go to an arcade that has Silent Hill: The Arcade, though. There are very few throughout the world, and it looks fun. Would other people consider your sense of humor inappropriate? I don't see how. Some inappropriate things can make me laugh, but it's definitely not my favorite form of humor, and I myself don't really make jokes of that sort. Who is your biggest celebrity crush right now? Mark Fischbach. :'') What are they famous for? He's a big YouTuber, aND WILL ALSO BE A MAIN ACTOR IN A SHOW NEXT YEAR. LET'S GOOOOOOOOOO. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No, I would NOT stand for that bullshit. Do you have any gay family members? I know my mom's... cousin I want to say is gay. Somebody related to her is. Was your first kiss romantic? I feel like it was. What are you most likely to go to jail for? Pirating shit. Well, can you even be locked up for downloading minor shit? Shows what I know. Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship with someone else? Boy, have I. Would you ever get a boob job? When (or if...) I lose all the weight I want, I can almost guarantee a breast lift will be something I'd want. Certain things happen when you lose a shitload of weight alsdkf;alkwe Have you ever tried to break up anyone because you liked one of them? Not intentionally. What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? If we're talking THE ex, safe to say I'd be shocked. Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? It's weird, I've felt both ways with Girt? Like there were times I was pretty much 100% certain he liked me, but I'd also be like "nah, no way, he sees me as a sister." Turns out he like-liked me. Are you worried about anything right now? I can't possibly recall the last time I WASN'T worried about something. When you are home alone, do you still close the door when you shower? I don't shower when I'm home alone because I'm afraid of ever fainting and busting my ass again. What noise do you hear? I'm currently listening to "All Signs Point To Lauderdale" by A Day to Remember, and I can also hear my fan going. Do you go online everyday? Pretty much without fail. It'll probably be a cold day in Hell before I willingly don't come online, ha ha.

[kaitkerrigan]

HOW TO RETURN HOME - The Millennial Problem

I really pushed myself into a corner this weekend when I promised a teacher that I’d write about “How to Return Home”. Most of you don’t know the history of this song, which is a pandora’s box. 

I’ve long been planning to write a post about THE FRESHMAN EXPERIMENT. At the time of conception, this is how we defined it: 

living musical ['liv[ng] 'myü-zi-k&l]

a musical based on the lives of living people

a musical existing in real time

a musical created on the internet by the award-winning writing team Kerrigan and Lowdermilk based on the lives of two young bloggers as they share the story of their freshman years of college 

I’ll leave it at that for now and come back to this in depth in another post. 

ChristineCoke, the handle of one of the freshman writers, was an incredible voice. She wrote these earnest and beautiful posts that flowed into some of my favorite songs that we’ve ever written:  Last Week’s Alcohol My Heart Is Split (and you guessed it) How to Return Home. 

It’s funny how memory works. I had created a fiction about exactly what we got from ChristineCoke when she first wrote about going back to her home for Thanksgiving break, but I just went back to our website archive and found this (and everything else you’re about to dig into): 

I pulled my luggage into a house that is exactly how I’d left it - dirty and empty with a silence that gently hummed in my ears. There was no one to greet me so I ran up the stairs calling out the names of my siblings and mothers. More silence and peeling wallpaper.

And this is how I wanted to return home. My barefeet sliding along the wood floors as my cat criss crosses her way through my legs. To sit on my bed and wrap myself up in the thin blanket that could barely warm me during the winter months. Slowly, I came back into a place that I hadn’t truly thought about until I was five minutes away.

Eventually my brothers and sisters came filtering in and our home had a pulse again. Then Mamajay came and I ran to her before she had time to open the door.

I had a three minute fight with my brother today. It feels great to be here.

A couple weeks after this first post, Brian posted this - with audio that I can’t find: 

hey it’s brian. so i wrote this thing while i was home for thanksgiving and didn’t have a chance to post it until now. i played it for kait at some point and she was pretty underwhemed - possibly for good reason. the lyrics aren’t great, and they depart a lot from what CC was talking about. but this is emotionally what spoke to me, and i think the music might be interesting. (sidebar: lots of time kait and i start out with a song that i write music and lyrics to and then she swoops in and redoes the lyric) So these may be dummy lyric, and i may also just start from scratch musically on something else. Particularly because while I was home for t-giving my sister and i listened to a lot of dashboard confessional. so in addition to a) being a song fragment and b) not very good, this is also potentially c) a little too much like a dashboard song. wow. yea. but i definitely think there’s something to be done w/ the phrase “How To Return Home.” And this is certainly something…

“I’m pulling my luggage into a house that is dirty and empty A house that is just how I’d left it Dirty and empty and silent. A silence that’s gently humming in my ears. And I’m waiting for you to come rush down the stairs. I’m calling, I’m waiting, I’m watching the driveway. Hoping that something is still the same. I’m calling, I’m calling your name.

I guess I’m learning How long I’ve been gone I guess I’d forgotten I miss these walls Now I’m relearning everything All about silence And how to return home”

Brian says I was underwhelmed but it was a long time ago, so I don’t actually remember. Isn’t it weird to imagine the songs that never were? I bet that my response was more to the music than to the lyric. As he said, I often would change the lyrics anyway. I do remember both of us really struggling over how to use the hook. How do you put “how to return home” into a sentence. It sounds like a recipe title, not a song hook. I remember really arguing over how it could function in the song. 

Anyway, the next significant step was Brian again and this wasn’t until February (so I bet we had some off-line conversations): 

Okay, so here’s a new version of How To Return Home I’m trying, music first. There’s a PDF and a terrible scratch vocal of me singing. Not sure how much this will mean to anyone, but hopefully Kait will write some lyrics - and then the whole thing will mean a bit more!Happy February everybody…

He posted music that is EXACTLY the music that makes up the verse and chorus of the song now. That is magic to me. It’s one thing to piece together the perfect words, but to somehow knit together the language of a melody into something iconic and memorable - and in one go? How do you do that??? 

Then the writing started to pick up speed. A week later also in February I posted this: 

Here are the lyrics to at least the first draft of the beginning of “How to Return Home”:

Your bare feet sliding on the old wooden floorboards, Home at last and silent but still you’re shaken, like walking into a museum, somehow out of time. It’s all the same except the girl in the hallway, Where she’s been and who she will ripen into, Your childhood’s on the other side of a gulf to damn wide to climb.

Take silent breath. Hold in the change. Tell yourself you still live here. It’s the only way you’ll get through this holiday. Count the hours. Pick some flowers. Make a nice bouquet.

Clearly, the dumby lyrics come at the end, but I’m still not sure about the entire chorus. I’m kind of thinking that it probably changes based on whatever happens at the end of the chorus. Plus, it has to work throughout the song, right Bri? This probably doesn’t change each time since it’s such a pop chorus. Perhaps 2 lines change - the “it’s the only way to get through…” which I would assume will change too. And I’m pretty sold that we want something more like “get through this day” with the three notes on day.

Anyway, this is where the song is at currently. Updates to arrive throughout the weekend. I think I’ll have the whole thing done by Sunday or Monday at the latest.

You guys, this is where you get to see our baby pictures - or my baby pictures. I vlogged this lyric in 2008, so quite literally ten years ago. Kudos for me for not giving a good goddamn about my hair or anything. This was before the days of vloggers really. We were early adopters to be sure and so I had little awareness of the idea that looking presentable might be, er, helpful to our cause. 

Oh my god, did you watch it? Those pre-mac days were rough, let me tell you.  We definitely hadn’t figured out how to use the hook yet. A week or two off-line, where we inevitably went back and forth on that hook (and the occasional pop-misaccent of “how to REturn home” which gave me agitas). But here comes another draft on March 1st in a post called “HOW TO REVISE”: 

I feel pretty good about this one. I’m not going to sing it for you today - unless I miraculously learn how to play the guitar (doubtful). My changed lines are in italics.

Before you read on, I feel like I need to say something about perfect rhymes. I’ve been thinking about them a lot because this song both begs for them and also eschews them if they aren’t precisely what you mean. So I’ve definitely struck a bit of a deal with them - borrowing from pop, country, folk, and musical theater to figure out what to do where. But as I thought about these things and did my research, I’ve come to the conclusion that perfect rhymes are having a resurgence. Surprising, I know. Nothing ever seemed more lame or unlikely until lyrics became virtually unmemorizable and rap reclaimed rhyme’s significance. In addition to the rappers (too many to mention but Eminem and Blackalicious still being among some of my favorites for clever - without sacrificing meaning for the sake of - rhyme), the popularity of Fiona Apple, Regina Spektor, and new to my itunes line up Vampire Weekend (thanks Rachel Lowdermilk!) all mark a significant upswing in real rhyming’s trendiness. Of course, none of these writers act like hall monitors on the subject. We musical theater writers still have that all to ourselves - remarkably we act like narcs about it whether pro or con.

Now, back to the previously scheduled reveal of new lyrics! I think this is really fun to sing Brian’s melody. We will, of course, test drive sometime this week.

How to Return Home

Your bare feet sliding on the old wooden floorboards, Home just as you left it but still you’re shaken, like walking into a museum somehow out of time. It’s all the same except the girl in the hallway, Where she’s been and who she will ripen into, Your childhood’s on the other side of a sprawling divide… too wide.

Take silent breath. Hold in the change. Tell yourself you still live here. Take your bags upstairs.  It’s the only way you’ll get through today. Count the hours. Take a shower. Wash yourself away.

The house is pulsing with an alien heartbeat, Was it always here but you never listened? It’s calling you to be the girl that you were way back then… again.

Take a silent breath. Hold in the change. Tell yourself you still live here. Take your bags upstairs. Put away your clothes, take it nice and slow.

Be their daughter. Nothing’s harder when nobody knows

How to return home, and how to survive, There’s no written guidelines. How to go back, How to show up and unpack. How to show up.

How to grow up. How to take a breath. Take a silent breath. Hold in the change. Tell yourself you still live here. Take your bags upstairs. You still share a name

But you’re not the same. You don’t fight now. You don’t hide now. It’s a whole new way of how to return home.* How to return home. How to return home.

Your bare feet sliding on the old wooden floorboards, home just as you left it but still you’re shaken.

*I originally had “It’s a whole new game. How to return home.” Which I’m pretty sure I don’t like but sometimes I get something right and then go straight past it. This adds a pick up before the “how” but I think the meaning is much better and it’s a little less played out / more unexpected and leads to a better conclusion for the song.  The only other thing that I tried and rejected is replacing “Take a shower. Wash yourself away.” with “Only hours. Teach yourself to pray.”

Thoughts?

It’s nice and rare when you get a resounding yes to the thing you made. How sweet to have that back and forth captured in the comments: 

BRIAN: wow that’s gorgeous. i’ll write more, and probably sing it back to everyone either later tonight or tomorrow morning. amazing work, kait. KAIT: Maybe tomorrow after the cap thing? I’ll bring my camera. Maybe they’ll let us steal a piano for a bit? BRIAN: since we had plans for natalie weiss to make a recording for us anyway, want to ask her to do this? later this week? and yes, let’s record tomorrow. this thing f-ing rocks. KAIT: Maybe. Let’s mull it over as we sing through it today.

Oh, Brian and Kait, you so-n-sos. Always so on brand. Kait ever cautiously low-key, Brian so deeply enthusiastic and raring to go. 

Do you care about any of this? All of this is about how a song got written, not about how it landed itself as a center piece of THE BAD YEARS. What is THE BAD YEARS? A song cycle? An immersive house party? Both? What does that have to do with the alien heartbeat of this house and ChristineCoke? 

Everything. “How To Return Home” found its way into a song cycle we made called TALES FROM THE BAD YEARS, which was the brainchild of a conversation that we had with a licensing company that wanted us to make something commercial that could go directly to licensing. Would that not have been lovely? It didn’t pan out. But the idea that we hit - to write a show about the people around us - the generation of millennials who would never fulfill their parents’ American Dream, did pan out and evolve. 

“How To Return Home” was always one of the songs that felt like a linchpin to these songs and as we built it out, it became something that parents of millennials would hear and grab us by the arm and say “Thank you for telling me what my daughter is going through. She just moved back in after college.” We realized that in writing something a bit broader than just about coming home for Thanksgiving break, we were writing about the larger lack of employment after college, the depression of a generation who didn’t have the opportunities that they assumed they’d have. We leaned into this. 

When we had the opportunity to take TALES FROM THE BAD YEARS and turn it into an immersive house party, this song was both beguiling and bewildering. It does not take place at a house party. But the sensation of being at your family’s home in the center of a party can be beautifully transfixing. The song became a centerpiece for Rachel’s arc. 

Rachel was an optimistic and ambitious millennial who’s surprised to discover that the world wasn’t waiting for her. She is one of the youngest at the party and she is just beginning to realize that she’s going to have to claw her way into the world rather than have it handed to her. In more recent drafts, the house has actually become more and more of a character. The history of the house is also oppressive. This is a place where some bad things happened and it’s going to be destroyed. But right now, Rachel is facing her own nostalgia smashed up against the glass of her reality. 

Ultimately, “How to Return Home” is about the simple sensation of walking into a house after having grown up there and feeling like the whole place is smaller, different. The fun house affect of your reality having outgrown your childhood cocoon. I moved around a lot. I haven’t been back to a single place that I grew up except my grandmother’s house. Every time I walk in, I’m struck by how low the ceilings are, how small the kitchen is, how narrow that backyard that contained my fantasies is. Once upon a time, my whole world could fit inside that kitchen. I remember a graduation party (something that I also can barely believe ever happened  - my grandmother entertaining) and sliding past adults through the back door to get to the refrigerator. But even as I say that, my memory is wavering. She remodeled her kitchen a few years ago and moved the back stairs and I have to consciously conjure that old set up. My memory has transformed to adjust to her new layout. I remember a couch that was long and s shaped in her music room. The room is so small. Where exactly did it go? Memory is so slippery but the visceral feelings you have when you return to a site of your childhood - especially the dark looming ones - is not. It’s immediate and pulsing and both familiar and alien at once. 

The question of how to return home is really a question of how to hold onto your slippery sense of self when you’re just discovering who you are and I think the answer (or at least the answer that we landed on in this song) is mindfulness - mindfully telling yourself to breath, to hold in the things you know to be true about yourself in spite of all of the old neural pathways that are lighting up with triggers. 

[ezra-blue]

You’ve Got Something - 30

For @baronvonriktenstein‘s Messy!AU

30: Trust Issues

Word Count: ~3500

Gojyo gets some bad news, but after sharing with Hakkai, he comes to an uncomfortable realization.

TRUST ARC - PART 1

You’ve got...

30: Trust Issues

“Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!” Gojyo and Lirin hadn't planned to start chanting it together, even as Jien laughed on the other end of the line, but damn if they hadn't both started doing it. Lirin had bolted into the garage floor the second she'd gotten the call from Jien, and now both of them hovered over it in excitement.

“Guys, guys, come on!” Jien chuckled, their ruckus nearly drowning him out over the phone. “How the hell do you know what I'm callin' for, anyway?”

“Don't jerk me around!” Lirin set her hands on her hips and leered into the phone. “You told me, Yaone was seeing the doctor, now I wanna know what he said!”

“C'mon,” Gojyo added, finding himself more eager every second Jien stalled. “I saw her photo on Facebook, she's gettin' a tummy, that baby must be getting bigger, you gotta tell us the news.”

“Jeez, fine!” Jien barked one last laugh, then composed himself. “The baby's doing fine. On track, healthy. Just as big as it's supposed to be. Everything's looking fine.”

“How's Yaone been? Still upchucking every time she turns around?” Gojyo smirked, and Jien laughed again.

“Way better, actually. She still gets sick in the morning sometimes, but she figured out if she takes it slow, it helps.”

“Enough of that!” Lirin slapped the table. “You know what I wanna know! Am I gonna have a niece or a nephew?”

Jien's joy swelled in his tones, even as he teased, “And what makes you think I know that?”

“Yaone said she wanted to know, so of course she knows, come on, dorkface, we wanna know!” Lirin stomped her foot, then started up the chant again: “Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!”

Jien kept laughing, protesting, “Is that really what's important? Come on, guys!” Gojyo just joined Lirin chanting, until Jien finally gave: “Fine, fine! It's looks like we're having a girl!”

“Yes!” Lirin threw a hand up, and Gojyo high-fived her.

“That's so cool, bro.” Gojyo could see it clearer than ever: their family was getting bigger. “I mean, it'd be cool either way, but...”

Jien's elation settled, but it still echoed in his tones, even as Lirin kept celebrating the 'victory of the girls' and dancing in little circles. “I know. It feels, like, solid when I think of it being a girl.” Gojyo caught Goku peering around the car he was working on from the corner of his eye, but ignored it and leaned closer to the phone.

“So, hey, uh, picked any names yet? Were you gonna go for Japanese names, or Anglo names?”

“Anglo first name, but maybe a Japanese middle name.”

“Any picked out?”

“I floated one.” Jien paused. “Olivia.”

Gojyo sucked his cheeks in, then felt fire blaze through his face as he put it all together. “You fucking bastard!” Jien howled with laughter. “No, fuck you! I had no idea what that picture was!”

“Hey, no, screw you, we liked it, we've been calling her 'the olive' ever since!”

“Come on!” Gojyo groaned. Jien's laughter petered out, and he cleared his throat.

“Hey, actually, Gojyo, mind if I talk to just you?”

Lirin whipped around at this. “It's my phone!”

“Yeah, but I need to talk to him anyway. Five minutes, Lirin, he'll give it back.”

“UGH!” Lirin stomped away, and Gojyo scooped the phone off and turned it off of speaker.

“What's up, bro?” Jien didn't answer immediately, and Gojyo's joy dwindled. “Bro?”

“I got in touch with our dad.”

His happiness froze into a stone in his gut. Gojyo tightened his grip on the phone. “Oh. Uh.” What was he supposed to say? “I thought he was dead.”

“Nah. Far as we're concerned, of course, good as.” Jien snorted. “Apparently he jumped the border for Ontario. He's still single, doesn't have any other kids he knows of. He's in a halfway house right now. Just got out of jail, so it seems. Uh, he said he wishes he hadn't left, or that he hadn't had to, whatever. He wanted me to apologize to you. He... he says he's sorry. For what happened to you, and for your mom--”

“I don't wanna hear it.” Gojyo hadn't known the words were coming until they did. “He, he fucking... He left. He vanished. Shit, he ain't my dad. If I'd had a dad, then...”

“I know. I just, I thought you should know.” Jien paused. “You're through it now, though.”

“I just...” Gojyo struggled, and found himself lost for words. “I... hey. Please. Don't, don't... your kid, Jien--”

“Y'know, I've learned from not having a dad just how important it is that a kid have one.” The levity in Jien's voice had been replaced with a strangely satisfying weight. “Me, Yaone, and Kou are rock solid, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to be the best dad she can have.”

Gojyo inhaled slowly, counted to ten, and exhaled. “I'm gonna go. Got work to do. Lirin wants her phone back.”

“Sorry to sour stuff. But, uh, hey, it'd be nice to see you and Hakkai again soon. Would you like to come for dinner tonight?”

“Some other time, maybe.” Gojyo grimaced to himself. “See ya round.” He hung up and took Lirin's phone back to her without another word, then returned to the garage to grab his tool kit. Goku hadn't stopped working on the car Gojyo had assigned him, but he did look up from refilling the oil on the car open in front of him when Gojyo came back in.

“Um, that sounded kinda heavy. You okay?”

“Yeah.” Gojyo pulled a face and popped open the hood on the next car on his list. “Hey, do me a favor and give me a head's up around noon? I'm gonna head over to Hakkai's for lunch.” He paused for just long enough to send Hakkai a text telling him the same, and got down to work.

It wasn't so easy to think about the future when the ghost of his past was lingering around. Luckily, he had a friendly reminder on call.

“A  girl?” Hakkai smiled at the news, leaning over his bench and spreading flour dust up his front as Gojyo stood propped on the other side of it. “Your brother must be excited! Did they have a preference?”

“Nah, not as far as I can tell.” Gojyo shrugged and tucked another bite of his sandwich. “It doesn't matter, as long as the kid's healthy, yeah?”

“Of course not, no. But some families do prefer sons. Family name and the like.” Gojyo scrunched his nose, and Hakkai noticed. “Ah, but I suppose that becomes a matter of which family name gets passed on.”

“I think that since Kougaiji and Yaone are the ones who are married on paper, they're going with Maoh. As far as I care, the Sha name can fucking drown.” Gojyo crumpled his napkin and threw it towards the trash can. “So, uh, apparently my dad's alive.”

Gojyo told Hakkai what Jien had told him. “The fucker's sorry for leaving. Doesn't change that he left, shit.”

“Oh, Gojyo, I'm sorry.” Hakkai slid a hand up to Gojyo's shoulder. “But you survived without him. You're more resilient than many. I'm sorry you had to be reminded of it all.”

“Eh.” Gojyo's face twisted again, mouth turning down into a sulk. “It's over, so that's good, but... I dunno.”

Hakkai studied him, his gaze unflinching. “Did you want to talk about it?”

Gojyo broke eye contact. “I dunno. Maybe... Maybe. I guess... I could talk to Mr. Koumyou first, sort it out. Some of my stuff... I guess I'm a little worried about scaring you off, y'know?” He tried to laugh it off, but Hakkai shook his head.

“It'll take a lot to frighten me off. If you'd like to try and sort it with Koumyou first, you should, but if it's something you want to talk about, I do dearly want to listen.” Hakkai laid a hand flat, tracing little circles on his bench, and his gaze dipped. “I... I suppose I'd like you to talk to me, too. I want to know what's on your mind. I want to understand you better.”

Gojyo, anxiety knotting up his guts and winding up in his lungs, shrugged a little and drew his arms up to his chest, folding them tight. “I dunno. I just don't.”

“What is it you tell him that you can't tell me?” Hakkai knit his brow up, and Gojyo felt the knots in him twist tighter.

“I dunno. There's just... I dunno!” He was starting to feel incredibly and increasingly stupid repeating himself. “I don't even know if I'm ready to talk about some stuff with him. I'm kind of still figuring out how much I gotta unpack now I've opened that goddamn Pandora's box.”

“I understand that.” Hakkai still seemed disappointed, but he slid his hand up to Gojyo's arm to cover Gojyo's knuckles. “I'll wait until you're ready, but I want you to know that you can confide in me, too. I may not be able to offer the same guidance, but I will accept every part of you.” He squeezed Gojyo's hand. “Please don't take this as pushing.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Gojyo shook his head, but smiled. “But, uh, same goes for you, okay? If you want me to know, I've always got an open ear.”

“Ah, well.” Hakkai laughed nervously, but Gojyo noticed him sliding a step back. “Don't worry about me, alright? I want you to take care of yourself first.”

Something about that hit Gojyo wrong, like wires crossing in his head and heart. “Huh. Well. I guess.” He studied Hakkai, who seemed entirely content in carrying their dishes to the work sink as if he hadn't said anything strange. It came to Gojyo's mind that for as much as Hakkai had told him about what his life had been like before Gojyo had come into it, he'd left just as much unsaid. He hadn't told Gojyo about dating Sanzo's brother, or why they'd broken up. Something Sanzo had said when they'd first met came back to Gojyo: that Hakkai never left the kitchen. He'd been “damn lucky” to see Hakkai outside of work, that Hakkai didn't go out. Had something happened? Was he still just mourning his sister? What was Hakkai not telling him? The thought was in his mind now, like a worm in a birthday cake. Gojyo couldn't see the danger, but he knew he had to have a taste or it might just drive him nuts.

"I'm glad to hear you've taken my advice." Koumyou was finishing up his notes, legs uncrossing for a quick stretch after sitting for a while, then quickly crossing again to restore Koumyou's poise. "But what I want to know is if you've found it helping you."

Gojyo, settled in the chaise and watching the shadows on the ceiling rather than the twitch of the end of Koumyou's peacock-feather pen, drummed his fingers on the arms of the chair as he thought. "I guess. I mean, it ain't like I've had any freakouts. Nothing to freak out about." He drummed his fingers a few more times, then sat forward. "There's something that's been bugging me, and I'm not sure if I'm handling it right. If the way I feel about it is okay."

"Mm. Reactions are not right or wrong, they are yours."

"Yeah?" Gojyo raised an eyebrow, but shifted around to turn towards Koumyou. "There was... today. My brother told me our dad's alive."

"Aha. Was that stressful?"

"I was upset. No, that ain't it." Gojyo scratched the back of his head. "I was mad and sad and angry all at the same time. I mean, fuck, the guy's nowhere in my life for more than twenty years, then calls Jien out of the blue and apologizes for leaving me. Fuck him, right? 'Cept, it also made me think about how different my life would be if he had stuck around."

"Humans are naturally curious, and since the path of your life was a painful one, wondering about other possibilities is a natural fantasy." Koumyou tapped his lower lip with the nib of his pen. "What did you think of? How would your life have been different with him present?"

Gojyo raised an eyebrow – he hadn't expected Koumyou to ask that. "Well. Uh. At first I thought, maybe my mom and I wouldn't have gotten into such a tough spot without him. Except, he was in jail in Canada, too, so maybe he would'a ended up in jail here, too, and we would've been in the same damn spot." He gripped the arm of the chair. "It's not like he was all that great, if what Jien tells me is right. He didn't have a job, or he got money in ways that made Jien's mom yell at him. Maybe my mom still would'a... I dunno." Gojyo paused, his hand running down the scars on his cheek. "If he had stuck around, maybe I wouldn't've ended up living with Jien when I was little. But maybe I wouldn't've ended up in foster care, either. There's some stupid kid in me that thinks, if I had a dad, life would've been rainbows and sunshine, he and my mom would'a been happy, and everything would've been great, but he had a chance to be good for me, and he didn't. Finally, I figured it wouldn't'a changed much."

"I see. Did accepting that help you?"

"I guess, but I was still all jumbled up, angry and sad." He loosed a weak laugh. "Maybe I was just mad he was alive at all and hadn't come for me before, and never even tried to care for me. I'd honestly thought he was dead, and I was fine with that, but then it turns out he wasn't and I gotta unbury all the shit that I had accepted when I gave up on thinking he might come back. Him not being around made shit harder for me." He fidgeted. "You think it's fucked up I don't even want him in my life?"

"The heart is not right or wrong, Gojyo. It only contains truth. You have no interest in bringing this person into your life, and that is your truth. If that truth changes or evolves, then so be it, but what's important is that you live by it." Koumyou smiled serenely, as placid as the white surface of a full moon, but Gojyo just felt a whorl of turmoil churn in his guts.

"Truth, huh." He fidgeted again, tracing the grooves in the arm of the chaise. "There's something else I'm not sure how to deal with." He forced eye contact with Koumyou. "There's a lot of stuff that I don't know how to talk about yet."

"Ah." Koumyou didn't sound surprised. "Do you need help finding the words, or are your memories somehow clouded?"

"Sometimes." Gojyo promptly broke eye contact at the renewed scrutiny, but gestured as he tried to explain. "Sometimes, I think, there's no way it happened the way I remember it, it wasn't like that, it wasn't that bad. And then, for other stuff, it's like, it's over now." He let his hands fall to his lap. "What's the point of talking about it? It won't change it or fix it. It's just gonna make me think about it again. I don't wanna live through it again. And Hakkai's askin' me about it, and I don't know what to tell him. I don't want him to think I'm keeping secrets, but at the same time, I'm worried that this stuff'll make him think less of me." He twisted his finger through the thick seam of his jeans, winding it tight around his fingertip until it hurt a little. "I know I've been some fucked-up places, but I'm through them now. It's over and I'm done with it. Why should I have to bring it up all over again? It'd just be like walking through razor blades a second time."

Koumyou considered the question, eyebrows knit up. "Ah. Why indeed. I suppose, if you are so completely settled, at terms with your life experiences, you no longer need to see me."

"No! Shit. I know there's stuff I still gotta deal with!" Gojyo groaned.

"And you realize that unless we are both acknowledging your reality, I cannot help you work through it, correct?"

"Yeah." Gojyo sagged, feeling defeated. He could hear Koumyou tapping his clipboard with his pen.

"Please look at me." Gojyo forced himself to tip his eyes up. Koumyou's face was not of pity, but he had no better name for that gentle expression. "The key to peace is understanding your truth and knowing how it has affected you, and how you should not let it affect you. You have to trust me."

Gojyo bowed his head again. "I'm tryin', doc."

"And for someone who has clearly held all of his turmoil in for so long, you're doing well at unearthing it. Even if you're not certain of what your truth is, we should discuss it." Koumyou sighed to himself, sounding rather resigned. "As for Hakkai, I cannot speak for him, but his desire to know your truth should be seen as a desire to better understand you, all the things that led to the person he knows and seems to very much care for. If he cannot love you from every angle, then your relationship will be very difficult."

Gojyo blanched. "That's what I'm afraid of." He squeezed the arms of the chair again, then let go. "Say, uh, he saw you for a while after his sister passed away, right? He said you taught him, uh, coping mechanisms."

"Oh! Yes. Those are little exercises you can do during stressful moments or to bear off panic attacks and the like. If you'd like, I--"

"I mean, yeah, sure, but..." Gojyo hesitated when Koumyou raised both eyebrows. "What did you guys talk about? His sister? One of his exes? He won't tell me what messed him up before I met him, and I gotta know."

Koumyou's hands fell open, his clipboard sliding down his palms, but he quickly righted it. "Gojyo. Do you recall what I told you during our first session? Everything that's said in this room stays in this room, meaning, between you and me."

"Yeah, but --"

"The same goes for everything that was said between Hakkai and myself. I took an oath when I became a therapist, and the privacy of every one of my patients is part of that promise. I can't violate the trust Hakkai put in me, even to you. Especially not to you," he added in a near-whisper. Gojyo hung his head again, but Koumyou reached over and laid a hand on his shoulder. "You two should have that trust. It's something you can work on with him. You both should feel safe enough to share these things with one another, or if you're not there yet, work towards developing that security. I can suggest couple's therapy, as I am certified for it, but I want to work with you by yourself for now. Is that alright?"

Gojyo sucked his lower lip for a second, then grumbled a petulant "Yeah." Koumyou patted his shoulder a few times.

"Talk to him. When he's ready to tell you about Kanan and Ken'yuu, he will."

"I got it," Gojyo sighed, but, sharp-eyed card shark he was, he quickly spotted that Koumyou had admitted a few details without realizing it.

Ken'yuu. Was that his ex? He could have sworn Goku had said "Nii," but fuck it, maybe that was a last name. Either way, Koumyou had all but admitted that something Ken'yuu had done was something Hakkai had needed help for. Plus, he'd said "and." Whatever it was involved the both of them, and more than ever, Gojyo needed to know what that was.

He had to get Hakkai to tell him.

He hardly paid attention to the rest of what Koumyou was saying as he tried to puzzle out what could possibly be so bad, so damaging, that Hakkai was still recovering. Maybe Hakkai was struggling with his truth, too, like Koumyou had said about him.

Was this how Hakkai had felt about the things he hadn't told him yet? Was he going to have to choke it out and admit a few hard truths if he was going to get to Hakkai's? He knew nothing Hakkai could say or do would change how he felt, but he knew that there was no way Hakkai's past was as filthy as his. Now that he knew Hakkai needed fixing, he wanted the chance to make that repair. How could he possibly say he loved Hakkai (and fuck, did he love Hakkai) if he couldn't say that?

Why wouldn't Hakkai just let him help?

He left, headed for Hakkai's home, still dizzied with doubt.