#was supposed to be a quick sutdy

[sneezingbabysloth]

little arthur study

I started this game like a month ago (I know I’m late) and I love him very much

[harahmed]

I’m trying to focus on studying but I can’t. I keep thinking back to all this shit i’m dealing with. I just saw a psychiatrist and the meeting was pretty quick. I was trying to tell him about everything that was going on and idk if it was his intention to kinda cut me off and interject but he kept doing it. that makes me feel like there’s a difference between a therpaist and a psychologist. I jst did it a quick google search and it seems like they shouldn’t be too different. it makes me feel like i should be seeing a therapist as well as a psychologist. or maybe i should just get back to writing on this whenever my mind is focused on something else. harmeet kinda pressed me yday to ask me if i think this was for the best and tbh idk. i didn’t want her to worry but i should probably start writing on here whenever i can’t focus. i realized that i’m worried about how people view me a lot. this came up when i met with the deans and i tried to explain my viewpoint and i felt like such a bitch that should just suck it up. and i didn’t want them to think that was so i kept trying to emphasize how i was thinking so they wouldn’t view me negatively. even with the psychiatrist i was seeing i kept trying to show my POV and i think it’s kinda to make me feel better when people agree with the way i think. idk if this is a maladaptive way to go about things or not. but even in regular social interactions i don’t want people to dislike me even though i do a lot of shit that I feel would make people dislike me even if no one ever says anything. I think a part of it is bc maybe ppl feel bad for me. this past year my ability to control my impulses and quality of life I feel have gotten a lot worse, even though I feel my relationship has gotten a bit better. I never had an issue not drinking or smoking evn if i had weed or alcohol but this year that changed and if it’s around i just smoke or drink regardless. I def developed a substance abuse disorder with weed bc i literally could not stop myself if it was around. i made up any excuse i could to smoke and it really took a toll on my everyday life. amotivational syndrome can be caused by or exacerbated by weed and that was definitely the case this year. i’m so happy i went to NJMS though and we had shelf exams for every unit bc if we didn’t, i would not have gone through the zanki for each unit and actually learned shit. i wish i could say i’m proud of myself for doing that but if the curriculum didn’t include the shelves i 100% wouldn’tr have done those things. so i just got lucky. a common theme in myu life. i get so lucky with everything and everyone i meet. it’s actually disgusting how many amazing people i’ve met in my life. so many people i could’ve become so close to but didn’t just because of my laziness. i would rather just play video games than do things with people bc it was just easier and i had more control over my schedule. and that’s a big thing fo rme and idk why. i hate not being able to contorl my schedule. and it affects even my relationship. i realized i don’t wanna go to harmeet’s place a lot of the times bc i lose a certain amount of contorl staying over there vs staying at home. you know when you always knew something about yourself but never really confronted it so it was kinda in the back of your mind. i think this is one of the cases bc deep down i always knew that but i never really faced it. or maybe i have my memory is so shit i couldn’t even say i remember. i’m glad i’m at home bc i physically won’t be able to smoke / drink and i think it’ll be a good cleanse for me. i need to take this seriosly. i found out rammadan starts may 6th and i had to push my exam back to may 20th. that just reminded me that i have to officialy chang emy exam date. or maybe i hsould wait till i get confirmation from the school. anyway i’m gonna try to focus on fasting too and it’s gonna be hard just because i’m gonna be sutdying all day and i’m gonna wake up earlier. i am hopeful though. i’m gonna start SSRIs soon and that on top of stickig on a schedule should help a lot. i think i’m gonna have to make it a habit of typing anytime i can’t focus bc i’m thinking about something else bc it helps so much with concentrating. i just keep writing until i literally can’t think of anything else to say and idk why it works so well. gotta go back to the roots i suppose. jon wanted to ahng out last night and i told him iw ould. i was just playing video games thoguh and i realized like 30 min after we were supposed to meet up that we were supposed to hang out but decided i didn’t really want to. i messaged himb ut he never responded and i feel bad cause it’s another instance of me neglecting friends willing to take time out of their day for me. i’m hoping i can make this all up after this period in time and it helps alot that i’ll be living with them. i’m worried about the house nextr year but hopefully things will work out. they’re gonna pick rooms when they’re done with step and i’ll still be studying so i hope that doesn’t end up screwing me. we’ll see.