timeless ~ chapter 4
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It was just after sunset in a bustling city and Andrew found himself walking down the side of a road. He wasn’t far from his hotel, a couple blocks maybe, but it was already out of view. The city had grown even larger since Andrew last found himself here, new skyscrapers reached for the sky, towering over the smaller, older buildings. Andrew imagined they would only get taller as space grew scarcer. Humanity would continue to go up until it couldn’t even remember the ground anymore.
Andrew thought he was doing just fine with his feet planted firmly on the ground.
The city must have repaired the sidewalks because the cement was smooth and unblemished under Andrew’s feet. There were no cracks or lines to step over, nothing to keep Andrew’s brain occupied except all the change around him, something he didn’t particularly care to think about.
It had been ten years and three days since Andrew last saw Neil Josten, ten years and three days since Neil died and Andrew, once again, was left to deal with the aftermath of a man with no ID, no proof of existence, dying in his apartment. Ten long years and three days since Andrew began his search for a solution, a way to put an end to Neil’s reoccurring deaths. Now Andrew was back in Columbia waiting for Neil to come back, just like he promised.
But Neil was late.
A part of Andrew, what started as a small whisper bubbling up in his chest transforming into something bigger, something less manageable, began to think that Neil wouldn’t be coming back at all. Neil did say that there was a chance he wouldn’t.
Panic was a wretched creature. It was just three days, Andrew reminded himself. For all he knew, Neil had been expunged from the void and was hiding out somewhere, waiting for him. Andrew sucked in a deep breath of fresh air and held it in his lungs. He’d stopped smoking about six years ago, the smoke never would have killed him and Andrew didn’t want it to. If there was a way to fix this, then Andrew would want fresh lungs to work with.
Andrew closed his eyes and tipped his head back, breathing in the warm autumn air. The sound of traffic filled his ears and an insect buzzed around his head. He’d stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, forcing the stream of people to go around him like a river flowing around a stone.
Renee had told him that immortals were souls separated from time, a disconnect from the very thing that dictated the world around him. He was a twig caught in a stream, the river of time diverting around him, leaving him behind.
Andrew opened his eyes and continued to walk.
It was almost midnight when Andrew heard it. The sound was nearly swallowed by the hustle and bustle of hundreds of people coming and going, but Andrew’s ears were attuned to the sound. He’d been waiting for it.
Nobody noticed when Neil Josten appeared out of thin air and stumbled forward, it was too dark to see or people simply didn’t care. Andrew caught him under his arms and pulled him to the side, out of the way of anybody who might run into him. Neil slumped against Andrew, shaking with exhaustion and relief. Neil’s hand curled around Andrew’s bicep in a weak grip.
“Hi,” Neil croaked, his voice scratched to hell. His body was skinny and battered, like the last few times he had been reborn. There was blood smeared on his face, dripping from his nose and a cut on his forehead. Andrew couldn’t remember if that cut had been there last time. Instead of dwelling on it, he wrapped an arm around Neil’s waist and pulled him against his chest. If anyone saw, they would have written it off as a hug. Maybe it was.
“Hey,” Andrew replied, soft. Neil dropped his head on Andrew’s shoulder.
“Wasn’t sure if I could make it out of the void this time,” he said into Andrew’s neck. “It was close, really close.”
Andrew could have said, let’s not talk about this here, or I missed you, or even a simple glad you’re back. But he stayed quiet. Nothing was quite so simple with Neil Josten.
“My hotel is around the corner. Can you walk?” Andrew asked. When Neil nodded, Andrew shrugged off his jacket and gave it to Neil to cover up his bloody shirt. Neil nodded his thanks and pulled the hood over his head.
Neil stumbled a few times when he walked, weak from another ten years in the void and readjusting to his legs, but Andrew was there with a careful arm around his waist or a hand on his shoulder to steady him. He’d be damned if he left Neil to die after just getting him back, and by falling off the damn curb for fuck’s sake.
The hotel was mostly empty when they arrived, and Andrew and Neil didn’t run into anyone on the way to Andrew’s room. At one point the hotel might have been grand, with high ceilings and intricate paintings that reminded Andrew of the Sistine chapel that had burned down years ago. But the building was sagging and faded in places from age and years of neglect, and the room Andrew paid a week’s stay for had hardly put a dent in his wallet.
Andrew unlocked the door and allowed Neil inside. He’d gotten a room with two twin beds, in case either one of them needed it. Neil didn’t notice or didn’t care, he kicked off his shoes and collapsed on top of the closest of the dinky beds. Andrew went past him to his duffel bag and dug out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt for himself and then some for Neil. He’d brought a couple extra pairs of clothing in Neil’s size so they wouldn’t have to share, but there was only enough for about a week. The rest of his and Neil’s clothes were in Andrew’s room at Fox Tower.
Neil was fast asleep but woke with a start when Andrew tossed his clothes at him.
“You need dinner before you go to sleep. You haven’t eaten anything for a decade,” Andrew said.
“I haven’t slept for a decade, either,” Neil pointed out, frowning at the flat pillows piled at the head of the bed. He batted at the useless square pillow with the scratchy sequins that was more for show than for usability and let it drop to the floor.
Andrew ignored that and dressed quickly, trading his black tank top for one of the old t-shirts he had carried with him throughout the years, soft with age and too many cycles in the washer. There was a hole in the collar, the threads tickled Andrew’s chin when he dipped his head down, but it was comfortable. He peeled off his armbands and threw them in the general direction of the duffel bag before changing into sweats, the hems worn from treading on them too much.
Neil hopped in the shower while Andrew got dressed so Andrew picked up his clothes and stuffed them in the duffel. After a few minutes Neil left the bathroom, steam swirling around his head, making the image of him hazy and distant. His face was still blotchy with bruises, but the blood was gone and he was already dressed in the clothes Andrew had given him. Neil sat on the foot of the bed, water dripping from wet hair, blinking sleepily.
Andrew felt Neil’s eyes on him when he passed by to get to the tiny kitchen in the hotel room, but he didn’t meet his gaze. He knew Neil was watching him as he dug through the even tinier refrigerator, and he didn’t acknowledge the frown tugging at Neil’s lips when he pulled out a frozen meal and stuck it in the microwave.
Andrew kept his eyes on the microwave, watching the plate of spaghetti turn slowly through the screen and wondering how many hotels even used microwaves anymore.
“Andrew,” Neil said. Andrew tilted his head toward him but kept his eyes on the dull light from the microwave. It beeped and Andrew took it out, grabbing the edges of the container to keep from burning his fingers. He peeled back the plastic sheet and stirred the contents with a fork and stuck it back in the microwave for another two minutes.
“I thought of you, you know.” Neil’s voice was soft. “When I was in the void and had to relive my deaths, I just kept thinking of you.”
The microwave beeped and Andrew jabbed at the button until the door opened. The spaghetti was steaming and Andrew burned the pad of his thumb on the container.
“I think it’s the only thing that got me through,” Neil mused. Andrew hadn’t heard him move, but his voice was closer than before. “I think I would have faded if it weren’t for you.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Andrew murmured and gave the spaghetti one last vigorous stir.
Neil hummed in obvious disagreement. He was close, Andrew could almost feel the heat from his body, the static between them, pulling them closer. Neil’s brush of fingers against Andrew’s sleeve, just barely grazing his skin, was a jolt of electricity. Andrew turned his head to face Neil, staring at the collar of his shirt to avoid seeing that soft look on his face that drove Andrew crazy.
Andrew’s heart beat hard in his chest, more of a fragment of a memory than an actual function that kept him alive. He turned his body so he was facing Neil fully and finally succumbed to the voice in his head whispering to give in. Andrew pulled him close around the waist, his hands rubbing up and down his back as he leaned his forehead against Neil’s. Neil breathed a sigh and curled his arms around Andrew’s neck, trickling his hands down until he and Andrew were fully engulfed in each other. The warmth from Neil’s palms was at once soothing and made him ache.
Something released in Andrew’s chest. He expected it to be like stretching a rubber band until it broke and snapped back against his hand, leaving behind stinging red marks, but instead it was the unraveling of a rope constricting his lungs, quiet and small yet a release of pressure.
It was all too much, surrounded by Neil’s scent, masked by the generic, flowery soap from the hotel bathroom, and Neil’s skin, clean and soft to the touch. Neil, Neil, Neil. After so long, finally, Neil. Andrew never wanted him to leave.
It was too much, so Andrew had to say, “I found a way to help you.”
Neil tensed and Andrew told himself that he hadn’t ruined it. He was about to pull away when Neil relaxed, tucking his head against Andrew’s neck, and whispered, “How?”
Andrew hummed and began to explain.
Technically, help had found Andrew in the form of Renee Walker. It had been eight years since Neil died, and Andrew was no closer to finding a solution than he was before. He was tired of the dead ends, the leads that lead to nothing, and the hopelessness dogging his steps. He was slipping back into the gray depression that left him adrift, aimless in the ample time he had. King helped, and if he hadn’t had to get out of bed every day to take care of her, he would have listened to the familiar voice whispering to him to give up, give up, give up.
The timeless, Renee had told him, were people who time affected differently than mortals, or in Andrew’s case, not at all. Renee was a time traveler, as was David Wymack, the director of Palmetto. Wymack was the man who founded Palmetto, an institute for the timeless, a safe haven of sorts, nearly twenty years ago. Andrew didn’t believe in safe havens, but Wymack and the other timeless had accepted Andrew immediately and he stayed with them for two years until it was time to collect Neil.
“You think they can do it?” Neil asked tentatively, his breath ghosting over Andrew’s skin.
Andrew shrugged, careful not to disturb Neil. “They’ll have to look at you first. Run tests to see if you’re able to endure the procedure.”
“But?”
“But it’s better than nothing.”
Neil nodded, and Andrew felt him swallow hard against his shoulder. He knew Neil must be scared, and maybe a little hopeful. They still had so much to talk about, a lot to discuss before Neil would be ready for a decision like that. But for now they stayed silent for a long moment, standing in the kitchen and breathing together as the minutes stretched in front of them. Andrew only pulled away when Neil’s stomach gave a loud rumble and he remembered the spaghetti sitting forgotten on the counter a few feet away.
The separate beds proved to be unneeded, as Andrew pulled Neil to one of them to share. That night, head pillowed atop Andrew’s chest and Andrew holding him tight, Neil fell asleep quickly.
~
Andrew watched the sun rise through the window. Neil was still asleep, breathing evenly and snoring a soft whistling sound. It wasn’t until the light spilled in from the window and lit Neil’s hair ablaze did he begin to stir.
Neil’s eyes fluttered open enough for Andrew to glimpse the color but he fell back asleep with a heavy sigh. Deciding to leave him there, Andrew carefully moved Neil off of him and sat up. Andrew rubbed his eyes, feeling a headache starting in his temples. He felt grungy and in desperate need of a shower. He felt like he accidentally slept for two weeks, despite not actually sleeping at all the past couple days.
Andrew stretched, feeling his spine crack. Yawning, Andrew glanced at Neil. He was still curled up under the sheets, hugging the pillow Andrew had just vacated.
The hotel bathroom was small and cramped with ornate marble counters that may have been shiny at one point, but were now left lackluster. The mirror was clear, at least, and Andrew considered his reflection, the smudges under his eyes, the weariness tugging at the lines of his face, far too young for the years he had lived. Andrew sighed and turned away.
All Andrew had to wash his body was the small containers of shampoo and conditioner and a thin bar of soap. Neil had used most of it the night before, but Andrew did his best at scrubbing away the past couple days, years, decades even. He turned the water off after he rinsed the suds out of his hair and already missed the hot water. He finished up in the bathroom by brushing his teeth and drying his hair with the last fluffy towel.
He felt worlds better after the shower, his body less stiff from sleepless nights and worrying. Neil was sitting up, groggy and with a serious case of bed head when Andrew left the bathroom. Neil blinked at him, his face creased from the pillow. Something soft settled in Andrew’s stomach as he plopped down on the bed. He felt the mattress shift underneath him as Neil moved, lowering himself so he was level with Andrew.
“Good morning,” Neil said. Andrew hummed, content just to look. The dark circles under Neil’s eyes had almost faded completely but his face was thinner than it should have been and the cuts and bruises still had a couple days to heal.
Andrew leaned forward, tired of the distance, and waited for Neil to meet him in the middle. Neil’s lips brushed his and it was as if the ten years between them dissipated. Andrew sighed into the kiss, relishing the feel of Neil against him.
They spent that day and the next in the hotel, lounging in bed and exchanging slow kisses. When they weren’t tangled up in each other, Neil was sleeping or flipping through the different channels the hotel television offered. Instead of going out to eat or making anything, they ordered takeout and had it delivered to their room. It was out of laziness and the lack of desire Andrew had to forfeit the quiet comfort he had with Neil more than anything.
They were sprawled out on the bed when Neil settled on a cheesy sitcom that Andrew didn’t know was still airing from 2074. Andrew squinted at the screen as the ridiculous characters did something ridiculous and let his head fall back against the headboard. “This is terrible.”
Neil snorted beside him but didn’t say anything. When Andrew sneaked a look at him from the corner of his eye, Neil was enthralled with the stupid thing. Andrew rolled his eyes, feeling perhaps a bit fond. The episode ended and Neil grabbed the remote to lower the volume.
“I want to see Columbia today,” he said. “I haven’t had the chance to look around the past couple times I’ve been here, and I bet it’s different than it was in 1995.”
“Okay,” Andrew said. “Get ready.”
A small smile curved Neil’s lips and he pressed a kiss to Andrew’s jaw. He rolled out of bed and dug through Andrew’s duffel for his clothes. He grabbed the nice green t-shirt and dark jeans, Andrew noted, before disappearing into the bathroom and leaving the door ajar behind him. They would look good on him.
Ten minutes passed and Neil still hadn’t left the bathroom. Andrew could hear the sink running, so Neil should be finishing up. Andrew checked the time on his phone. It was an older model from 2063, practically obsolete, but Renee had given it to him for cheap and it was more than what he needed. It was already half past eight in the morning, so they could grab some breakfast before spending the entire day walking around Columbia. Andrew slid his phone in his pocket and went to collect Neil.
Rapping lightly on the door frame, Andrew looked inside. Neil was dressed and his hair was no longer in disarray, but he was staring blankly at his hands, his toothbrush clutched in one hand and toothpaste in the other, the cap abandoned by the sink. Andrew narrowed his eyes. Neil wasn’t eyeing the crisscross of scars on his hands like he sometimes did, instead his eyes were glassy and empty.
“Neil,” Andrew called, firm enough to draw him back but quiet enough to not startle him. Neil didn’t respond, he didn’t even twitch. That wasn’t unusual by itself, sometimes when Neil was deep in the void it was hard to call him back on the first try.
“Neil,” Andrew said again. And then, “Abram.”
Neil tilted his head in Andrew’s direction and blinked slowly back to awareness as he came back to himself. He lifted his eyes to Andrew’s in the mirror. He still looked distant and unfocused. Andrew approached, careful and slow, and curled his hand around the nape of Neil’s neck. He kept his grip firm until he felt Neil’s body relax. “Ready to go?” Andrew asked.
“Yeah,” Neil said. “I just need to brush my teeth.”
~
The city was busy that morning, the streets bustling with people dressed in nice black suits, holding cups of coffee and rushing to their office jobs or people walking at a more leisurely pace, nowhere to be and nothing to do except to enjoy the warm October air.
Andrew tore a strip off his chocolate éclair and bumped his shoulder against Neil’s. They were heading down town, closer to where their old apartment was located. The apartment was long gone, a series of condos and office buildings in its place. A part of Andrew twinged at the thought. A year was not a long time compared to the lifespan of an immortal, but his and Neil’s apartment had been the first home Andrew had since his family’s farm burned down. He’d had different apartments since then, but it wasn’t the same.
But, Andrew thought, if everything went well, he and Neil could have another home to share, and this time they wouldn’t have to worry about losing it. It would be theirs and theirs alone. Andrew swallowed. Wymack told him not to get his hopes up, and he wasn’t, but it was the only solution Andrew had managed to find in the ten years he had been searching. And it was a pretty promising one.
One more day. Andrew just had to keep Neil alive until they headed to Palmetto and fix this for good.
“Is that Eden’s Twilight?” Neil asked, breaking Andrew out of his thoughts. He nodded his head to the building in front of them. “It’s so different.”
“They renovated everything about two years ago. Practically tore down the entire building and built it new again. I don’t know what it looks like inside, I haven’t gone in since 2067, but I didn’t stay for very long,” Andrew said. Neil stayed quiet. 2067 was the last time they were together, before Neil died of the fever.
Andrew nudged Neil to keep walking. This wasn’t what he wanted to show him.
They stopped a couple times along the way, Andrew pointing out new and old buildings and Neil commenting between bites of his fruit parfait.
“Holy shit,” Neil said with a grin. “It’s the Exy court.”
Andrew sighed. “They made a bigger one when Columbia started growing in population. The Dragons don’t play here anymore, they were replaced by the Columbia Badgers a while ago. I wouldn’t be surprised if they named the team after you.”
“Why, because I’m stubborn?”
“Because you stink.”
Neil tipped his head back and laughed. Andrew had missed that laugh, carefree and loud. When Andrew first met him, Neil never did anything loudly. He hung back and stayed quiet as if he was trying to fade away. The first time Neil laughed like that, Andrew realized his feelings for Neil went deeper than he first thought. Now, it settled something inside Andrew. Warmth grew in his chest until Andrew was sure he would explode.
“Will you play Exy with me? I’ll buy you your favorite chocolate,” Neil said, his neck craning to keep his eyes on the court.
“Later, Junkie,” Andrew said. “And Hershey’s doesn’t sell chocolate anymore.”
Neil made a sympathetic face and offered a bit of his yoghourt to Andrew in consolation. Andrew accepted the tiny dollop off of Neil’s spoon without a word. He wasn’t much of a fan of fruit parfait, but it was sweet and reminded him of Neil.
When they passed the row of tall condos that replaced their old apartment and started toward the oldest part of the city, Neil grew more curious.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
Andrew didn’t reply. Neil would find out soon enough.
Identical houses with various paint jobs lined the street in neat little rows, the shrubs and trees all trimmed neatly to keep the synchrony of the neighborhood. White picket fences and wide, open windows. It was just as unrecognizable to Andrew as it was to Neil because he hadn’t been to this side of town in over two hundred years. A fat ginger cat lazed in a bed of purple flowers, its large green eyes lazily following Neil and Andrew as they passed by. With a pang, it reminded Andrew a little of King. He missed her already.
It wasn’t the neighborhood that was important. It had only been around for less than fifty years, after all. Andrew didn’t care about the houses or the neat lawns or the cat. He stopped in front of an old schoolhouse, wooden walls cracked and decaying. It leaned precariously to the side, sagging with age. The lawn was green from regularly being watered, but the weeds had overgrown and little yellow dandelions popped up in groves. It was as much of a museum on the outside as it was on the inside.
“What is this?” Neil asked, his voice quiet. The air seemed still around them. Nothing disturbed the peace; even the birds were quiet despite the time of morning. Neil’s lips were pulled down in a slight frown. Andrew could see him glancing at Andrew from the corner of his eye.
Andrew took a deep breath. “My old home.”
Neil’s eyes widened as he looked back at the schoolhouse. He swayed on his feet, as if he were about to take a step closer and then decided against it. “This?” he asked.
“Not exactly. I told you my house burned down, and it did,” Andrew explained. “The entire farm was pretty much gone by the time the fire was put out. I sold the land and a couple years later they built a school right on top. Now the place is a museum or something.”
Andrew had looked it up a couple decades ago, curious and filled with longing for his old home and his late family. He was surprised to find the school was still standing, more surprised that the city hadn’t torn it down and built something new like everything else.
“Can we go in?” Neil asked.
Andrew looked at the overgrown grass, dotted with dandelions. He dragged his eyes along the dull red paint flaking off of the wood, the clear windows and white curtains inside. A bird chirped a cheery tune somewhere behind them, apparently done with the quiet. Andrew had promised himself he would never come back here after he buried the empty caskets. He never wanted to be reminded of his life here, but so much was different and, quietly, Andrew acknowledged that it didn’t hurt as much as it used to.
Grabbing Neil’s hand, Andrew led him inside.
~
The sun still had hours before it would begin to set, but Andrew and Neil made their way back to the hotel anyway. The schoolhouse museum was mostly a brief history of Columbia. It wasn’t that interesting, considering Andrew had witnessed the growth of the city with his own eyes, but he and Neil went through every exhibit and read each placard anyway. Between exhibits, Andrew whispered stories of his family and his life on the farm and quietly admitted that he missed them. In return, Neil began to open up about his own life before he first died. They stopped for lunch at a nice restaurant after Neil decided he was sick of takeout and leftovers, made a quick stop at a convenience store nearby, and headed back to the hotel.
Andrew could read the contentment in every relaxed line of Neil’s body. It looked good on him, this quiet happiness. It made something in Andrew thrum in every one of his veins, a buzzing, a sense of urgency pulsing through his body like a livewire. When they got back to the apartment, Andrew barely waited for the door to close behind them before he was pushing Neil up against the wood, rucking up his shirt with his hands to reveal bare skin and old scars, and murmuring an urgent yes or no.
Neil’s yes was hushed and laced with the same need pumping through Andrew’s body with every beat of his heart. He buried his hands in Andrew’s hair and let Andrew take him apart before they needed to move it to the bed.
Afterwards they lay facing each other, the sheets draped around them like liquid silk, sharing the space but not quite touching. Neil’s eyes were closed but he wasn’t asleep, and dappled light fell across his face, making his eyelashes cast shadows over flushed, freckled cheeks. He played with the bedding near Andrew’s hand, plucking at the fabric and smoothing it out again. All sense of desperation that accompanied their touches was gone, replaced with the softer need to simply be near each other. A smile tugged at Neil’s kiss-swollen lips and Andrew untangled his hand and traced it with his thumb.
Neil peeked open an eye and kissed the pad of Andrew’s finger. Andrew slid his hand around to the back of Neil’s neck and brushed the soft curls at his nape. Neil shifted so he was laying on his back and stretched, raising his arms above him and arching his back like a cat. He let his arms flop back down before turning his head back to Andrew and hooking their pinkies.
“We leave tomorrow,” Andrew said softly, not wanting to disturb the peace of the late afternoon.
“Palmetto,” Neil breathed. Andrew heard the quiet awe in his voice and fought back a frown. He told Neil not to get his hopes up – that they didn’t fully know if it would even work. But.
But Andrew felt the same small tug in his heart, the fell swoop in his stomach when he thought of a life with Neil – not just a life but a beginning, and an end without all the uncertainty. This was their chance, and Andrew wanted it badly.
It was too much to dwell upon, and thinking about it made Andrew’s heart ache – with anticipation and worry and everything in between. It was easier to think about the steps before, packing their things, leaving the hotel, boarding the train and arriving in Palmetto to introduce Neil to the rest of the timeless. This was certainty where everything after was not. This was easier, safer.
But the wonder in Neil’s eyes held, despite the hesitance in Andrew’s. Of course Andrew wanted it, not just for Neil but also for himself – mortality – but Neil wanted it most of all. He didn’t say it out loud, and he didn’t need to. Andrew could see his aching want to finally be released from the void after so many agonizing years in every line and twitch of his body.
Years of apathy and carefully cutting his emotions out like a tumor couldn’t stopper the flood of anxiety and dread in Andrew’s chest. Neil had made him feel, the thawing of a glacier, the drip, drip, drip of ice melting away to reveal the interior that had long since frozen over. Andrew, albeit slowly, was getting warm again. Except with the warmth, came fear.
And Andrew was very much afraid.
He could lose Neil forever. He, himself, could die without even knowing if he had saved Neil at all. Something could go wrong; Neil could be reclaimed by the void and Andrew wouldn’t know where to find him if he came back. He’d be lost, lost. Andrew couldn’t go through that again.
This was it. This was their only chance. Their only hope for their own salvation. Everything in Andrew told him to throw it out, get rid of it before it could take root and cause damage when it inevitably failed. Although he hadn’t felt it in decades, he was all too familiar with the dangerous tether called hope, and the sinking weight it always seemed to be attached to.
Andrew took a deep, steadying breath, and was relieved to hear it wasn’t as shaky as he felt on the inside. Neil’s eyes were droopy, and Andrew knew he was well on his way to sleep. The light was already fading, taking the radiance and the brilliant colors with it. Soon it would be dark, and then it would be time to go.
Andrew no longer had all the time in the world, and he could feel a new clock ticking in his chest, right alongside his heartbeat.
~
Palmetto was unchanged in the years Andrew had lived there. It was untouched by time, like the people that inhabited it. To outside eyes, it still looked like a university, even though the school had been closed down nearly twenty years ago due to education being transferred largely online. Few physical schools remained standing, and Palmetto was one of the last to be repurposed.
The tall white and orange buildings were still an eyesore, but Andrew had lived there for the past two years of his life, and he almost considered it a home. Neil’s eyes were wide as he took in the campus. His hand hung from the strap of Andrew’s duffel that he insisted on carrying, and he took a few steps towards the fence before rocking to a stop.
“This place used to be a school?” he asked.
Andrew had explained Palmetto’s history on the train ride there. It was only a forty-minute ride, the duration greatly reduced by the speed of the train, but it was more than enough time for him to tell Neil how Palmetto came to be, and how David Wymack went from coaching a college sports team to founding a safe house for the timeless.
The real function of Palmetto was largely unknown to the general public. Most people thought it was some sort of research facility – which wasn’t exactly untrue. But Palmetto’s resources were more expansive than that, and if an immortal or a time traveler were in need of help – or a void walker, in Neil’s case – Palmetto would find a way to help them.
“I told Wymack we’d be back today,” Andrew said, urging Neil to keep walking. “He’s an ornery old man and will be pissy if kept waiting.”
Andrew led Neil to the Lab. It used to be an Exy court, and by the look of Neil’s expression – like he had just swallowed a lemon – he could tell. Neil shot him a look but Andrew stared at him blankly.
“I’ll take you to the court in Columbia if you behave,” Andrew said before Neil could complain about the mistreatment of a former Exy court. Neil rolled his eyes but stopped when he saw the man waiting for them in the lobby.
“Andrew,” Wymack grunted in greeting. He didn’t look like a coach or a director of anything, dressed in jeans and a plain t-shirt, the flames of his tattoo climbing up his arms like ivy on a wall. His face was grizzled and lined from years of life and dealing with the misfits that inhabited the place. “I hope you’re not bringing more trouble to my door.”
Andrew stopped next to Neil and inclined his head towards Wymack with a blank stare. “Don’t be rude, Coach. He has a name.”
Neil shot Andrew an annoyed look for that, which Andrew smoothly ignored. Wymack eyed Neil up and down, from his tattered shoes to the collection of scars on his face. The attention didn’t seem to bother Neil so much as it used to, Andrew supposed he was used to it, but he did shrink under Wymack’s gaze like he expected Wymack to find him lacking and throw him out on the doorstep. But despite his gruff words and posturing, Andrew knew Wymack could never turn down someone in need.
“You can leave the bag in your room,” he said to Andrew. “Then meet me back at the Lab. Abby wants to see you.” This, he directed to Neil. Neil nodded but his eyes flicked around the room like he was counting exits and escape plans. Andrew hadn’t seen him this flighty since they first met. Andrew nudged his shoulder and gestured for Neil to follow him. With one last glance back at the Lab, Neil hooked his finger through Andrew’s belt loop and let Andrew lead him to Fox Tower.
Renee was waiting for them in the hall when Andrew arrived at his door with Neil in tow. He wasn’t surprised to see her; he knew she would want to meet Neil after hearing so much about him from Andrew.
Renee’s white-blonde hair was pushed back behind her ears, revealing several gleaming piercings, five different studs and loops in each ear, and the pastel tips of her hair were cut just above her shoulders. A silver cross hung from her neck, nearly tucked underneath her white button-down blouse. She smiled when she caught sight of the pair, Andrew first then Neil behind him. When they were close enough, Renee offered a hand for Neil to shake. Neil was hesitant, obviously wary of Renee’s serene expression, but took her hand and shook it once.
“Neil,” Renee said, her voice sweet, “Andrew has told me a lot about you. I’m Renee.”
Neil mumbled a hello and dropped his hand. Renee didn’t seem perturbed by his hesitance, instead she turned to Andrew and smiled again. She reached out her arm and Andrew let her pull him into a short hug. “It’s good to see you again, Andrew.”
“I’ve been gone a week. You people act like it’s been a year.”
“It’s been a lot longer for me, you know,” Renee countered neatly. Renee, like Wymack, was a time traveler. Andrew quirked an eyebrow at her but Renee’s calm smile betrayed nothing. Usually Renee spent her free time in the 1940’s, her girlfriend’s timeline. Andrew assumed she had been spending a lot of time with her, then.
“I hope you didn’t forget you were supposed to be watching my cat,” Andrew said, stepping past Renee and digging in his pocket for his keys.
“Of course I didn’t forget about King,” Renee said. “She missed you.”
Neil perked up at that. “You still have King?” he asked, craning his neck to see past Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew had barely opened the door before Neil slipped past him and let the duffel bag fall off his shoulder when he spotted the mangy gray furball lounging on the couch.
Andrew nodded his head towards Renee in thanks before following Neil inside. For the past two years, this had been his place to stay, somewhere he didn’t have to move on from before too many people noticed that he didn’t age. Cat toys were scattered across the living room, and he had actual furniture and a room with a bed and a mattress with sheets on it. Andrew had never been able to settle down anywhere for long, it was too risky and too much work to keep up pretenses of a normal life. But this was his, and this could be permanent if he so chooses.
King picked herself up from the couch and stretched before winding her body around Neil’s and Andrew’s legs. King had always been a friendly cat, but she headbutted Neil’s open palm with particular affection, purring loudly like an engine of an old car. She remembered him, Andrew realized, and noted the quiet satisfaction in his chest.
“Hi lovely,” Neil cooed, and Andrew should not have found it as endearing as he did. “It’s been awhile.”
King meowed in seeming agreement.
Andrew stooped down to scratch King behind the ears before scooping up the duffel Neil dropped and throwing it in the bedroom. Neil was seated on the couch, King kneading his thigh as he petted her. Andrew watched them for a moment, unnoticed in the hallway, before interrupting with a small tug on Neil’s hoodie.
“Come on,” he said. “Pissy old man waiting.”
“Right,” Neil said, and lowered King off his lap and back onto the couch.
Abby and Wymack were waiting in the lab when Andrew and Neil arrived. Abby wore a long lab coat, the white sleeves rolled up her arms and a clipboard clasped in her hands. She projected calm and support like she always did when a new time traveler or baby immortal showed up on Palmetto’s steps, and she must have sensed Neil’s anxiety. It was rolling off of him in waves. Andrew slid his hand to the back of Neil’s neck and gripped firmly. Neil twitched, leaning into Andrew’s hand the tiniest amount and drinking in the strength Andrew lent him.
“Neil Josten,” Abby said, transferring her clipboard to one hand so Neil could shake her hand. “I’m Doctor Abigail Winfield but you may call me Abby.”
“Hullo,” Neil said dully and shook her hand before slipping it into the pocket of his hoodie.
Abby smiled. It wasn’t the sweet, calm smile of Renee’s, or the goofy smile that split Matt Boyd’s face wide open. Her smile was meant for comfort. “It must be strange coming to this place full of people you don’t know who already seem to know you.”
“I have Andrew to blame for that,” Neil said without heat. His shoulders dropped a fraction and Andrew squeezed his neck once. “You think you can fix me?”
“I believe there is a procedure that may help you. I will tell you more about it tomorrow, but I’d really like to give you a tour of Palmetto and tell you more about the timeless. If that’s alright with you.”
Neil nodded slowly.
“Great.” Abby smiled her warm smile again and motioned to Wymack. “David will be accompanying us. Andrew –” Abby said to him, “are you coming with?”
Andrew looked to Neil, studying his face, the deep furrow between his brows and the small pucker of his lips. “I’ll be okay,” Neil said.
“He doesn’t need a babysitter.” Andrew tapped his finger on the back of Neil’s neck and withdrew his hand. “I’ll be at the Tower when you’re done.”
~
“There’s no one else like me,” Neil said a couple hours later, flopping down on Andrew’s bed. “But she said I’m similar to a time traveler.”
Andrew frowned, shoving around in the cupboard for something to eat. He was almost hungry. He hadn’t felt his stomach growl for nearly two hundred years and that – that was weird. It must have been some sort of placebo effect. “But you’re not time traveling at all. You live through all the years and you don’t age.”
Neil shrugged, an awkward motion from the way he was sunk in the mattress, his arms outstretched by his sides. “Maybe I do age though.” Andrew looked at him. “I mean, not in the void. But outside of it. I don’t know. Do I look like I’m twenty-four probably going on twenty-five?”
“You look the same as you always do. Except with more sulking.”
Neil groaned, throwing his hands up and letting them fall over his face. “This is so fucking weird. I don’t even know what time sick means. How can a soul be infected with time? That doesn’t make any sense.”
Andrew hummed noncommittally. He’d heard the spiel from Abby countless times: Immortals were souls separated from time and time travelers were souls intertwined with it. Mortals were souls dictated and void walkers, apparently, were souls infected by time. Andrew didn’t understand how it worked either, but at least it was straight forward.
“Everything’s just so overwhelming,” Neil muttered from the bed. Giving up his search for food, Andrew sat on the foot of the mattress beside Neil and waited for him to uncover his face. “My life has been a constant cycle of short lives and long deaths for decades, and now everything’s changing and it’s just so much information all at once.”
That, Andrew could understand. Going from living in shitty apartments and working temporary jobs, moving on every couple months or years, to staying in one place and being surrounded by people who understood – it was overwhelming. Andrew stretched out beside Neil, leaning on his elbow and pushing back the fringe of Neil’s hair from his forehead.
“We could look for another solution,” Andrew said quietly. Neil’s brow crinkled.
Andrew wasn’t surprised when he shook his head fervently and said, “No. This is it, there isn’t going to be another chance after this.”
“Did Abby tell you about the procedure, then?” Andrew asked, hesitantly. He wondered how Neil reacted. He wondered if he knew. If he knew what Andrew was planning, if he knew what could happen.
“A little. She didn’t go into details but she said it’s really risky and has only been attempted once before.” Neil perked up. “Kevin Day. It was successful for him. He was a time traveler, so was Kayleigh Day. Did you know that Wymack is his father?”
“I did,” Andrew said, grateful for his junkie’s addiction to Exy for the first time in his very long life. He didn’t know, then. He would never let it slide if he did. Andrew let out a small breath.
“He coaches the Foxes too. Imagine having a whole other life outside of your own timeline….” Neil trailed off. He frowned and worried at his lip. Andrew waited for him to spit it out. “Some people have two lives and I barely have one. Not one that matters, anyway.”
Andrew shifted so he was lying flush with Neil. They were pressed together from ankle to hip, hip to shoulder. Neil scooted over to make more space for the both of them and turned his head to face Andrew. “I mean, I have you and that matters. But I can’t even keep it for longer than a couple months at most.”
There was a sadness in Neil’s eyes, a yearning for something just out of reach. Andrew was familiar with that feeling too, and he hated it. He reached up, his hand trailing a path up Neil’s chest and jaw, and pressed his thumb into the corner of Neil’s mouth. “Even just a couple months is worth it with you.”
Neil’s face crumpled as he finally let his worry and fear from the past couple days, past couple decades break free and overflow like a dam bursting from holding back millions of gallons of water for far too long. He leaned in close, forehead barely brushing Andrew’s and let Andrew cradled his face with one hand.
Neither one of them moved until the shadows in the room took on a different dance. It was only in the late afternoon, but Neil’s breathing was getting slower, the rise and fall of his chest dragging until he was asleep. Andrew’s hand was still wedged between the bed and Neil’s cheek, but not wanting to disturb him, Andrew stayed where he was. Until there was a quiet knock at the door.
The three unhurried raps told Andrew that the matter wasn’t urgent, but no one would be knocking on his door if it weren’t important. Andrew wiggled his hand out from underneath Neil’s head and got up to answer the door.
“Hello, Andrew,” Betsy Dobson said when Andrew opened the door. Her round face was warm and open, and Andrew was grateful to see her.
“Bee,” Andrew greeted, and opened the door wider as an invitation to come in. “Neil’s asleep, but he sleeps like the dead.”
“I won’t be long.” Betsy didn’t step inside, but she inclined her head towards Andrew. “I was actually hoping to have a word with you.”
Andrew glanced back at Neil one more time, curled around the pillow in Andrew’s vacancy, and followed Betsy outside. The hallway was empty when they stepped outside, but Betsy continued down to the elevators and out of the Tower. They walked around the green, a large grassy area edged with trees and shrubs. A few birds chirped as they passed, but it was mostly quiet.
“It’s nice out today, don’t you think?” Betsy said, watching a bird hop from branch to branch above their heads. Andrew said nothing. It was relatively warm, but there was a chill in the wind that meant it would only get colder in the coming months. Winters have been shorter lately, but Andrew still despised the cold.
“What did you want to talk about,” Andrew asked in his dull monotone. Abby was the first to figure out Andrew’s plan, and she told Wymack immediately. But they couldn’t stop him, this was Andrew’s choice and he wasn’t going to let them talk him out of it. He wondered if Abby sent Betsy to try and dissuade him.
Instead, Betsy surprised Andrew. “I think,” she said, “that it would be beneficial for you to accompany me back in time.”
Andrew blinked. Betsy studied his carefully constructed mask and continued, “We’ve talked about your family before in our sessions and you said that you would have liked to have more closure over their deaths. I would like to give that to you.”
“You can take people through time with you?” Andrew asked, keeping his voice flat, his face even. He knew the answer to that question already because Renee had told him, but he couldn’t quite prod his brain into working.
Betsy nodded. “It is difficult, but possible. I’ve done it for several patients in the past and I believe this could be good for you.” Betsy stopped to nudge a pebble back into the dirt on the side of the path with her foot before continuing. “However, there are rules that must be followed. But I trust you will not find that difficult.”
Andrew swallowed. What Betsy was offering him, it didn’t seem plausible. She was a time traveler, and she could travel to any part of the past, no matter how far, but this wasn’t just time travel. This was seeing Nicky and Aaron again after two hundred years. This was finally saying goodbye. The thought almost made something in Andrew stir. He didn’t let it.
“I’ll give you a couple of days to think about it, and if you decide to go, I’ll prepare you.”
When Andrew didn’t respond, they circled around the green and headed back to Fox Tower. Betsy didn’t bring up Andrew’s family again but she filled in the silence with idle chat about the places she traveled to since Andrew was gone. They parted ways at his door, and Neil was still asleep when Andrew slipped back inside.
~
“You should do it,” Neil said between mouthfuls of noodles. He woke up right before dinnertime craving Chinese so Andrew ordered takeout for them to share. Four containers of food were scattered between them, and Andrew was fending off Neil’s fork with his own from the orange chicken. “When you see Aaron and Nicky, you could tell them to leave the house before it explodes and save their lives.”
Andrew shook his head, sifting through the fried rice for another piece of egg. “I can’t do anything that would change the timeline. At most, I would say goodbye and leave again. Anything else could get Bee and me stuck in a time loop.”
Neil grimaced and stole a piece of Andrew’s orange chicken. Andrew leveled him a glare but Neil popped it in his mouth with a smug glint in his eye. When he swallowed his stolen chicken he said, “Still, closure is good too. It would be nice to see them again.”
Maybe. It was true that Andrew never had the chance to say goodbye. It left him with a nagging hole in his side that dogged him throughout the years, no matter how much it had started to heal over. But Andrew didn’t know if he could be so close to them, knowing what was going to happen to them. He couldn’t go back and be helpless to save them just for a goodbye that they wouldn’t even know was a goodbye.
“If I can be fixed, then you can have a chance to see your family again, Andrew,” Neil said, meal forgotten. His gaze was keen on Andrew’s, open and earnest and Andrew wanted to resent him for it but he couldn’t.
“I’ll tell Bee I’ll go with her,” Andrew acquiesced, “and you’ll talk to Abby about the procedure. Tomorrow.”
Neil smiled. “Deal.”
~
After a breakfast made up of syrupy pancakes and eggs in the cafeteria with some of the others, Andrew and Neil split ways. Neil headed to the lab where Abby was waiting for him while Andrew walked the long, winding path to Betsy’s office. It wasn’t far from Fox Tower; Andrew spent the ten minutes it took to get there stepping over the cracks in the concrete and watching with interest as the birds hopped from branch to branch over his head. The sky was clear, devoid of any clouds and airplanes, and a light blue that reminded Andrew of a robin’s egg.
He kicked a rock with the toe of his boot and watched it skip across the sidewalk and disappear in the shrubs, scaring a couple pigeons taking shelter underneath the thick green branches. It was October already, but the leaves on the trees were still slow to change and the air was barely cool enough to warrant more than a long-sleeved shirt.
Betsy seemed to be waiting for him when he arrived outside her office. She wasn’t the only therapist in the building, but she specified with people dealing with the effects and consequences of time. Andrew wondered how well known the existence of immortals and time travelers were, if people knew about them and simply didn’t care or if it was all kept hush hush. He’d looked online the days before Palmetto, when he was searching for a way to help Neil, and maybe for other people like him, but he didn’t find much more than speculation and theories.
Andrew shook away the thought and raised his fist to knock. Betsy opened the door with a smile, not at all surprised to see him. “Andrew,” she greeted warmly, like she had every time Andrew found himself on her doorstep. “Would you like to come in? I was just about to warm up some milk for cocoa.”
Andrew took the invitation and found his usual seat on the lumpy couch with his back to the door. Betsy stuck a couple mugs in her ancient microwave – the yellow one with ‘time is of the essence!’ printed on it that Andrew had given to her as a joke, and the green stripy one that Andrew liked.
Andrew watched the cups turn on the glass plate inside before tearing his eyes away. He took a steadying breath and said, “I want to see my family.”
“There are rules, ones that must be followed very, very carefully,” Betsy said. “But I would be glad to take you.”
The microwave went off and Betsy removed the cups, stirring the milk with a tiny silver spoon. She spooned some of the caramel chocolate hot chocolate mix into both the mugs, and stirred them in. “Marshmallows?” she asked.
“Four marshmallows,” Andrew replied. It didn’t matter that he didn’t need to eat, or that the hot chocolate provided absolutely no nutritional benefit, he still enjoyed the warmth and sweetness of it. It was almost a ritual at this point, a cup of caramel chocolate cocoa with four marshmallows for every session with Bee.
Betsy handed over his mug and settled in the chair across from Andrew. “Time travel,” she said, “is a tricky thing. Time itself is fickle and cranky, if messed with or disturbed in any way, there will be consequences.”
“You talk about it like it’s a living thing,” Andrew said, sipping his cocoa.
Betsy smiled a knowing smile. “It is, in a way. It keeps our world running, it provides structure and keeps things moving smoothly. Like oil in gears. Even with people like me, who can grasp the strings of time and travel along them, there is still a certain rigidity to it. Control. We, not necessarily just mortals, are woven into the fabric of time.
“That is why it is so important that the time line must never be messed with. Small changes will most likely not have an effect, like running into someone or switching an apple for an orange. But bigger changes, like – ”
“ – preventing my family’s farm from blowing up will be detrimental and could change a lot more than their deaths,” Andrew interrupted, feeling irritated despite himself. “I know. The house blows up, my family dies, I become immortal. I’m not going to mess with that.”
“There are always loopholes, Andrew. Ways to get around the timeline without disrupting it. That’s what it means to be a time traveler, and that’s what is going to allow us to travel to the past.” Betsy set her cocoa on the table in front of her and laced her hands together. “Now, I know that it was a long time ago and memories can be faulty, but I need you to remember a time that we can jump to. It is of utmost importance that your past self never sees you, otherwise we will be doing a lot more than changing timelines.”
Andrew frowned. He didn’t like it, but it would have to work. “Right before the fire should work. I won’t be off from the pub for another couple hours but Aaron and Nicky should be at the house still.”
Betsy smiled. “Perfect. I will have to prep you, before we go. Time travel can be very uncomfortable to people who have never done it before. And if anything goes wrong, then you could be lost in time forever.”
That didn’t seem particularly pleasant, but Andrew motioned with his hand for Betsy to continue.
“Time travel feels a lot like being pulled through a thin straw. Your lungs will constrict and your body will feel too tight. Some people even feel like they’re underwater or that their heads are too big for their bodies. I suggest holding your breath. Luckily, the whole ordeal will only last for a couple seconds at most, and then it’s over.” Betsy leaned back in her chair, sipping at her hot chocolate. “We don’t have to worry about period-accurate clothing, since we will only be there long enough for you to talk to Aaron and Nicky. We will be in and out.”
“Okay,” Andrew said.
“Okay. Ready?”
Andrew stared. “Like, right now?”
“Why not?” Betsy’s eyes twinkled. “What better time than now?”
Andrew’s throat suddenly felt very dry. He placed his mug on the table and stood up. Betsy smiled and followed suit. Andrew watched as Betsy smoothed the lines from her shirt and adjusted the large, jeweled necklace she wore that day. He hadn’t realized that they’d be ready to go right away, it seemed too fast. Andrew’s heart sped up, in just a couple seconds he would be back in 1897 and he would see Aaron and Nicky again, talk to them even…
“What time is it exactly?” Betsy asked.
“December 16, 1897. The fire was in the evening so…seven. If we go around three in the afternoon, we should be fine.”
Betsy held out her hand and Andrew gripped it with his own. “Hold your breath,” she said, and then the ground was ripped from underneath Andrew’s feet.
Betsy was right – time travel was extremely uncomfortable. Andrew’s lungs tightened, and although he didn’t need to breathe it was horribly disorienting. He couldn’t see anything, whether it was because there was nothing to see or because Andrew couldn’t quite peel his eyes open, he didn’t know. He was hurting through the air, faster than the speed of light, he was falling, falling, falling, and then it was over.
Andrew opened his eyes, sucking in a breath of air he didn’t need. At first all he saw was light so bright it sent a spike through his skull and if it weren’t for Betsy’s steadying hand on his shoulder, he would have toppled right over into the snow. Andrew blinked until his vision cleared. Shit.The house, the roof intact, no burn marks, no ash coating the ground and turning the snow into a dirty slush. Everything as it was two hundred years ago. Then was now. They’d traveled back in time.
“I’ll wait in the barn,” Betsy said, breaking Andrew from his tiny existential crisis. “I recommend we leave in about thirty minutes.”
Andrew nodded, still a bit dazed from the jump. He approached the house; his feet and hands numb from cold and shock. The door opened and Nicky stepped outside, a basket propped on one hip and his free hand shielding his eyes from the sun. He caught sight of Andrew and carefully placed the basket on the porch away from the snow. Nicky walked toward him, unhurried like he had just seen Andrew a few hours before.
“Andrew!” Nicky called. His white shirt was dirty and he had suspenders hooked to his battered tweed trousers. He hopped down the steps to stand in front of Andrew, boots leaving deep indents in the snow. He was smiling but he looked confused. “What are you doing here? I thought you were at the pub. Uh, what are you wearing?”
Andrew didn’t respond, he couldn’t, not when the words were lodged in his throat. He took in Nicky’s button up shirt and thick jacket. Andrew remembered that jacket, of course he did. Nicky never went anywhere without it during the winter months and he had gotten Aaron and Andrew similar ones for their birthday a few years back.
“Andrew?” Nicky asked, frowning. His brow scrunched. He knew not to touch Andrew, especially when he was in a bad mood, but he wavered on his feet like he was thinking about it anyway. “Are you okay? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’d seen a ghost.” Nicky gave a little laugh, but Andrew could still see the concern in his brown eyes.
“I meant to fix the gate,” Andrew said. He still couldn’t wrap his mind around all of this. He’d been alive for two hundred years and never aged a day, but the thought of going through time, backwards instead of forward, was what dumbfounded him.
Nicky smiled, shaking his head. “That’s okay, you can just do it tonight. Or tomorrow, whichever. I’m making dinner tonight, stew with potatoes and carrots, all the good stuff. I went into town today and got everything. I was able to sell those hens I was telling you about.”
The door to the house opened again and Aaron poked his head outside, likely trying to see who Nicky was talking to. He caught sight of Andrew and raised his eyebrows.
“Skipping your job, too?” he called. “We need the money, Andrew.”
“It’s only a couple hours,” Andrew retorted. It was instinct to bicker with his brother after all. Even after so long he remembered the arguments, getting on Aaron’s nerves and Aaron getting on his. Each one the end of the world, now it all seemed so irrelevant now.
Aaron rolled his eyes. “Come inside at least. We can’t afford for y’all to get sick. And what the fuck are you wearing?”
It was warm in the house, with the wood stove burning away in the corner. The wood cracked and Andrew remembered the house collapsing, Aaron and Nicky trapped inside.
Betsy said he couldn’t change the timeline. But for a moment Andrew debated telling Nicky and Aaron to leave, to go to the pub and stay out of the house. He thought about turning the stove off completely, dumping all the smoldering, cracking longs into the snow outside and letting them cool where they wouldn’t harm anything.
For a long moment, the urge to stop all of this was so strong Andrew could feel the words on the tip of his tongue. Leave. Get away from here. He reined it in before he could do anything stupid.
Betsy’s words echoed in his head, there are loopholes, Andrew. Loopholes, loopholes, loopholes…
Nicky was chattering away in the kitchen, puttering about, while Aaron sat at the table, bent over a book. He was trying to get into the fancy university a few towns over in the big city to become a doctor. He studied all through that summer and winter, up until the very moment of the fire, it seemed. The books must have burned up in the flames too, pages curling, turning to black ash. If Aaron and Nicky didn’t survive, there was no way these books did.
They never found their bodies, Andrew had said to Neil once. Technically, these coffins are empty.
“There was a pretty gal I saw in town today, Aaron,” Nicky said from the kitchen. “Think you might be interested. She looked smart too.”
Aaron’s eyes flickered up from his book to meet Andrew’s and then back down again. There was a dark smudge of ink on his cheekbone “I don’t need a gal if I’m headin’ to school.”
Loopholes, loopholes.
“I know that, but in the meantime – ”
“I’m from the future,” Andrew said abruptly, putting the words out there before he could convince himself not to. A crash from the kitchen told Andrew that Nicky had dropped a pan, and Aaron was staring at Andrew like he’d grown two heads, book suddenly forgotten.
“The fuck,” Aaron said. Nicky fell from around the corner of the kitchen, mouth gaping open like a fish.
Andrew didn’t have time for this. The sun was already cresting the sky and beginning to sink. “I’m from the year 2077 and in a couple hours, you both are going to die. But you don’t have to.”
“Well Andrew’s officially lost it,” Aaron said, blinking like he hadn’t been betting on it for three years.
“Are you feeling okay, Andrew?” Nicky asked.
They never found their bodies.
Loopholes…
If Andrew brought Aaron and Nicky back with him to his present-day, the unattended stove still blows, the house still burns down, and past-Andrew still buries empty caskets. The timeline remains intact and Andrew’s family doesn’t die. Andrew never asked what would happen if they took someone from the past to present-day, but he knew it couldn’t have been that big of a deal considering Allison Reynold’s frequent appearances at Renee’s side.
Aaron and Nicky took a bit of convincing, and although they still looked thoroughly bewildered, they followed Andrew outside and into the barn Betsy was waiting in. Betsy’s lips thinned into a line when she saw them behind Andrew, but she waited for Andrew’s explanation.
“Their bodies were never found,” Andrew said. Betsy looked unconvinced. “If we take them away now, nothing gets changed. The timeline will not be disrupted.”
Betsy said nothing. She looked behind Andrew’s shoulder, to Aaron and Nicky. Aaron was staring hard at Andrew, eyes flicking from him to Betsy as he tried to make sense of what was happening. Nicky looked scared, eyes wide, shifting from foot to foot.
“Okay,” Betsy said. Andrew let his shoulders relax a notch. Then she turned to Aaron and Nicky palms outstretched, and smiled her warm smile. “This will feel very awkward, but whatever you do, don’t let go of mine and Andrew’s hands.”
~
The first thing they did when they got back was deliver Aaron and Nicky to the lab. They couldn’t go anywhere without getting a number of vaccines first, and when they were done – they had to come back in two weeks for round two – Andrew and Betsy introduced them to Wymack. He was not impressed with Andrew’s stunt, but unsurprised. As per usual with Andrew.
The entire time Nicky and Aaron gazed around them with wide eyes. Fox Tower was far from the tallest building in the area, but it was still impressively tall to Nicky and Aaron, who had never seen a skyscraper before. Nicky was practically jumping on the balls of his feet through the quick tour before getting the key to his room. Aaron was much quieter, but the look of amazement on his face never left as he studied every inch of the future.
“2077?” Aaron asked. When Andrew nodded, he said, “But how? You should be dead.”
“Later,” Andrew said, and gave him a push on the shoulder. When Aaron and Nicky were safely in their temporary room in the dorms, Andrew went back to his own room.
Neil wasn’t at the lab when Andrew arrived with Aaron and Nicky in tow, so Andrew assumed that he was already waiting inside. It was nearly six, and Andrew felt burnt out from all that had happened. Jumping through time, twice, seeing his old home, seeing his family again after so long. It was too much thrown at him all at once, no matter how he tried to prepare himself, and Andrew was exhausted. He didn’t want to do anything else, he wanted to close the door behind him, take a deep breath, and settle in with Neil for the night. He could check on Aaron and Nicky again tomorrow, but for the time being he was done and he was shutting himself off from the rest of the world.
The suite was dark when Andrew entered, the only light emanating from the kitchen. Andrew wondered in Neil was already in the bedroom, if he too was tired of the day. King was sprawled on the couch in the living room, fluffy tail flicking with acknowledgement when Andrew scratched behind her ears. She yawned, stretching her legs before curling up on the cushion and falling asleep again.
Andrew didn’t feel like eating anything, he felt like changing out his jeans for sweatpants and curling up next to Neil under the blankets until morning. He reached for the kitchen light to turn if off but paused when he found Neil sitting alone at the table.
It didn’t look like he had eaten, there was nothing in front of him, no plate or even a cup of coffee, and there were no dishes in the sink. He sat perfectly still, back oddly straight in his chair, head bowed and staring at his hands clasped in his lap.
“Neil,” Andrew said quietly, thinking he must have been spacing, drifting somewhere in the void in his head. But Neil’s hands clenched and when he spoke, his voice was low, measured and careful.
“Were you ever planning on telling me?”
Andrew blinked. Uneasiness wormed its way into his stomach, making him feel unsettled and antsy. “Tell you what?”
Neil stood up from the table and when he turned around, Andrew could see how tight his face was, how the muscles in his jaw bobbed when he ground his teeth. There was a quiet sort of fury in his eyes. Blue pinpoints of fire. Andrew felt his shoulders lifting, his back going rigid with tension.
“The procedure requires a donor,” Neil said and cursed inwardly. “You knew that. Abby told me you were volunteered yourself.”
“It won’t kill me,” Andrew felt the need to say.
“Really?” Neil said. There was a hysterical edge to his voice and Andrew thought he might crack right open. “I’ll be sucking the life out of you Andrew. That doesn’t sound like death?”
“You’ll be sucking the time out of me, actually.”
“This isn’t fucking funny!” Neil’s voice had risen to a shout. “Did you seriously think that I wouldn’t realize? Or that I would be fine with it, that I wouldn’t fucking care that you sacrificed yourself just so I can live for another couple shitty years?”
Andrew ground his teeth together. “It won’t kill me, Neil. I’m just giving you time, something that I have plenty of. It’s been done once before and – ”
“And Kayleigh Day died. She hooked herself up to the fucking machines and it took everything out of her and she died.”
“Kevin Day lived. You’ll live too.”
“I don’t want to if you’re not with me. How can you expect me to just move on after this?” Neil said, incredulous. “After so long of only being allowed to be around enough to see that the world’s moved on without me only to die again before I could do something about it.” He paced the kitchen as he ranted, voice thick with anger. He made a cutting gesture with his hand and turned on Andrew again. “I’ve spent more time in the void than I’ve even been alive and I don’t know how to deal with that.”
“And you think I want to do it?” Andrew snarled. “I’ve lived for far too long and I’m sick of losing everyone who has ever mattered. I’m tired, Neil. I’m fucking tired of this shit.”
Neil shook his head. He’d stopped pacing and now he stood in the middle of the kitchen, shoulders hunched and fists curled loosely at his sides. The fluorescent light from the ceiling cast him in a yellow glow, washing out the fine details of him. He looked like a grainy photograph, old and warped with age. The furious wrinkle between his brows tightened as dragged his glare from the floor to Andrew’s face, mouth twitching as he thought of the words he wanted to say.
“I’m not going to help you kill yourself,” he decided on. “This is my choice, and I won’t go through with it.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
Neil didn’t say anything, just shook his head with that stubborn set to his mouth. Andrew took a step toward him but he held out his hand for Andrew to stop. “Just – just – ” he said. He made another sharp gesture with his hand before brushing past Andrew. “I’m going for a run.” He slammed the door shut on the way out.
Andrew kicked the leg of the table with a frustrated growl. He did it again, for good measure, and sunk into the chair Neil had vacated. He rubbed at his eyes, tired, too tired, and thought about going next door to where he’d left Aaron and Nicky but decided against it.
He didn’t know what he was doing anymore. He was just so fucking tired and he didn’t have the energy to find any other ways to pull himself through. His chest was tight, reminding Andrew a little of time traveling with Betsy, and for the first time in two centuries Andrew thought he might be dying.
Neil might be dying. He’d left so quickly Andrew couldn’t stop him, and who knew when he was due for another death. This argument that left Andrew feeling so drained could have been the last time he ever talked to Neil, ever saw him. He didn’t even say goodbye.
Tugging on his hair once, Andrew let his head drop to the table with a thunk. He stayed like that until he felt King’s soft fur against his legs and heard her quiet meow as she jumped up on the table. She knocked her head against Andrew’s and Andrew crooked his fingers in her fur, not petting or stroking her soft coat, just holding on.
It was hours later when the door opened and Neil returned, seemingly unharmed. Andrew had since moved to the couch to stare at the blank TV screen. He hadn’t bothered turning it on, he wouldn’t be able to focus on it or even hear the words over his loud thoughts.
Neil slipped in the room like a shadow. He closed the door behind him, toed off his shoes, and leaned against the wall with a heavy sigh, studying Andrew with an unreadable expression on his face. He didn’t look angry anymore, but Andrew detected the same ragged weariness he felt.
“I didn’t think you would come back,” Andrew said quietly.
“I wouldn’t just leave,” Neil replied, just as quiet.
“That’s not what I meant.”
Neil pushed off from the wall and sunk down on the cushion next to Andrew’s. He left several inches between them, close enough that Andrew could see his throat bob when he swallowed, but far away enough that he couldn’t feel his warmth. “I know,” Neil said and tipped his head back to rest against the back of the couch.
Seconds seemed to stretch into minutes in this silence, Neil tracking the pattern in the ceiling with his eyes, brow furrowed, and Andrew watching him do it. “I’m not fragile, Andrew. I’m not going to break as soon as someone touches me. You spend so much time worrying about me that you forget about yourself and I hate it. Whether or not I agree with the procedure, it is my choice and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Andrew thought about saying nothing, thought about letting that hang between them before it dissipated. But he didn’t want to fight anymore. They didn’t have the time. “If we don’t do anything then you’re going to die again,” he said. “There are no other ways.”
Neil tipped his head to look at him. His eyes looked like black pools in the lack of light. “I know that. But what if I wake up and you’re gone?” He inhaled a shaky breath. “I don’t know what I would do.”
This time, when Andrew moved toward him, Neil met him halfway. Andrew wrapped a hand around the back of Neil’s neck and pulled his head down on his shoulder. Neil’s breathing was erratic, broken as he hiccupped for air.
“Breathe, Neil,” Andrew said as if that could coax the air into Neil’s lungs by itself. “Just breathe.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” Neil gasped. He was shaking, trembling like a leaf. Andrew grabbed his hand and squeezed. “I can’t lose you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Neil took a shuddering breath and let his head drop to Andrew’s chest, the tension draining from his body. He was still for a moment before he tugged far away enough to look Andrew in the eyes. “If I go through with this,” he said, eyes wide, desperate, “you have to promise me that you won’t go too far.”
Looking at Neil like this, falling apart while trying so hard to keep it together, Andrew would have given him anything. “I promise,” he said.
~
The next morning, Andrew went with Neil to the lab. Abby was at a table with a couple other people in lab coats when they entered, but Abby dismissed herself when she saw them.
“Hey,” she said, pushing up the sleeves of her lab coat and nodding at them. She turned to Neil. “You left kind of quickly yesterday. Everything alright?”
Neil nodded. “Just wasn’t feeling well. I’m fine.”
“Glad to hear it.” Abby turned her gaze on Andrew. “And Aaron and Nicky? How are they adjusting?”
Neil glanced at Andrew curiously. Andrew had filled him in after he had calmed down last night, but he hasn’t seen them yet. Aaron and Nicky were both dead to the world when Andrew checked on them, snoring soundly in their beds. Betsy told him it was often a side-effect for first time travelers, and they’d likely be sleeping it off all day.
“Sleeping off the adverse effects of being pulled through a straw and spit out in the future.” Andrew shrugged. “They’ll get used to it.”
“Mhm.” Abby looked slightly befuddled at his answer but brushed it off. “So, what brings you to the lab?”
“I want to do the procedure. I want you to fix this,” Neil said, gesturing to himself.
“And a donor?” Abby asked, her voice affecting obliviousness. She slid a look in Andrew’s direction. She knew that he was planning on giving his time over to Neil, she’d told him so after all, but Andrew answered anyway.
“Me.”
“Great,” Abby said carefully. “We can set an appointment and I’ll get the equipment ready. I know you both know of the dangers,” she pinned them both with a look “and although medicine and the study of time has progressed immensely since the last time this procedure was attempted, I can trust that it won’t be taken lightly.”
It wasn’t phrased as a question, but there was a certain uptick to her voice that told Andrew differently. Neil nodded, taking a deep breath. “We know what we’re getting into,” he said, glancing at Andrew. “We’ve already talked about it and decided that this is the best decision.”
Abby smiled and reached out her hand to squeeze Neil’s shoulder. He tensed, but only for a moment. “It’s going to be okay,” she said. Neil nodded, averting his eyes, and took a step back.
“We should go,” he mumbled and nodded a goodbye to Abby.
~
It was dinner time when there was a knock on the suite door. Neil and Andrew decided to eat in tonight, not wanting to have to deal with anyone in the cafeteria. Andrew knew the looks made Neil uncomfortable, and if he were being honest with himself, he didn’t necessarily want to be around anyone else either.
Neil got up to open the door, and Nicky poked his head inside to find Andrew on seated on the couch. “There you are!” he said, and looked Neil up and down. “And who’s this sweetie?”
“Neil,” Andrew grunted. “Come in and shut the door behind you.”
Aaron shoved past Nicky, looking groggy and rumpled from sleep. Heavy bags under his eyes told him he still wasn’t finished sleeping off the time travel. He ignored Neil completely and slumped in one of the chairs at the kitchen table. Nicky snorted and mimed sleeping before plopping down on the couch next to Andrew.
“I like the future,” he said, stretching out his feet and folding his hands behind his head. “It’s super nice. Loud, but nice. I like that box thing with the pictures – what’s it called? Aaron?”
“A television,” Aaron mumbled, half asleep, eyes closed and chin propped up in his hand. “You’re loud, Nicky. The future suits you.”
“What’s new.” Nicky shrugged and nearly toppled over when Andrew pushed his feet off the coffee table. Nicky didn’t seem to mind. He eyed Neil, a little more than curiously, and said, “Are you an immortal thing too? A time traveler?”
“Void walker,” Neil said, still standing by the door.
“Oh? That sounds interesting. What do you do?”
“Die a lot.”
Nicky blanked, for once in his life at a loss for words. He laughed a little, glancing at Andrew to see if it was a joke and when he didn’t get a response he grimaced. “Oh, um.” He looked to Aaron for help but Aaron was asleep. He rallied quickly. “How long have you two known each other?”
“We’ve been together for eighty-two years,” Andrew said. Nicky’s eyes bulged, his mouth dropping open into a wide O.
“Together? As in…involved? Partners?” he asked, almost a whisper. Andrew wasn’t surprised that was the part he focused on, rather than Andrew has been alive for over eighty years and still looks to be in his mid-twenties. When Andrew nodded, he gasped. “That’s allowed?”
“Welcomed,” Andrew said, and Nicky looked like he was about to cry. Andrew made a mental note to tell him about pride later.
“I love the future,” he declared, slumping back into the couch with a loud sigh.
Turns out, Nicky also loved Chinese takeout. Aaron woke up at the smell of food and devoured two and a half cartons of orange chicken by himself. Nicky chattered away as they ate, asking questions about Andrew’s life since 1897 and what is was like being an immortal. He avoided the topic of Neil’s deaths, and Neil seemed to appreciate that. Instead he badgered Neil for information about Andrew and what it was like being with him.
“He used to have the worst sleeping habits,” Nicky said, shaking his head. “I would wake up hours before sunrise to find him bothering the chickens in the coup.” He leaned forward with his hand shielding his mouth as if he were telling a secret. He lowered his voice into a fake-whisper. “He won’t admit it but I know he found it amusing to try and catch them. I don’t know how he didn’t lose any fingers to those beasts.”
Neil laughed, darting a look at Andrew. Andrew pretended to be annoyed, but he couldn’t be, really. He didn’t think Aaron or Nicky could get on his nerves, not after missing them for two hundred years. Not that he’d tell them that. He wouldn’t want them to think they could start getting away with things, now would he.
Halfway through dinner, Andrew noticed Aaron’s heavy stare on the side of his face. He caught the small glances he shot between him and Neil, knew he was making the connections. Idly, Andrew wondered what Aaron thought of it but decided he didn’t care.
When Nicky had absorbed Neil into a conversation about electricity, Aaron leaned over and whispered to Andrew, “Our deal?”
Andrew leveled him a stare. Their deal, to him, seemed so long ago that it hardly mattered. But to Aaron, that was days ago. “Burned in a fire,” Andrew said. Aaron pursed his lips, regarding his brother for a long moment before nodding curtly.
It didn’t take long for Nicky to tire himself out and for Aaron to lead him back to their suite. When they were gone, Neil sat next to Andrew on the couch and folded his legs up underneath him. “Your family is nice,” he said.
Andrew quirked an eyebrow. “Insufferable, you mean.”
Neil huffed out a laugh and bumped his head against Andrew’s. Andrew caught him and directed his head to his shoulder. “But they’re here,” Neil said.
“Observant,” Andrew said.
Neil traced his pinky along the shell of Andrew’s ear. “Three days.”
Andrew’s mouth twitched downwards at the non-sequitur. It took him a moment to realize Neil was talking about the procedure. In three days, Abby was going to hook Neil and Andrew up to a machine and Andrew was going to give a bit of the time ingrained into his soul over to Neil. He still didn’t get it, didn’t even understand how it could be possible or how it would work, but he’s seen so many things that shouldn’t have been possible these past couple days, that he decided not to think too hard about it.
Three days. These past few weeks have moved fast, and Andrew could already feel the anxiety nagging at him. Neil only had to make it three more days until the procedure, but what if he didn’t? Andrew knew better than most how sudden someone’s death could be, and a thought echoed in his head: What if Neil never even made it through the night?
Or worse, what if he lasted the three days, only for something to go wrong? The procedure wasn’t only just dangerous for Andrew, it could kill Neil just as much as it could Andrew. All this way, all this time, only for Neil to die anyway. Andrew grit his teeth and focused his breathing in one of the exercises Betsy taught him.
There was nothing he could do now. Either Neil died, or he didn’t. The procedure worked, or it won’t. Andrew went too far and lost himself, or he didn’t.
Neil was asleep, Andrew realized with a bit of a surprise. He hadn’t realized how tired Neil really was until he heard the quiet snores coming from him. Carefully, as not to disturb him, Andrew scooped Neil up in his arms and carried him to the bedroom. He took off his shoes and threw them in the corner and switched out his jeans for one of Andrew’s pajama pants. Andrew didn’t bother changing himself because he didn’t plan on sleeping, but he tucked Neil in and sat on the edge of the bed, wishing for the first time in years for a cigarette, and waited.
~
The day of the procedure, Neil spaced out three times before breakfast. For the most part, Andrew kept him tethered with a hand on the back of his neck, squeezing just enough to bring Neil back when he drifted. Neil picked at his food, hardly eating anything more than a few bites of toast. They decided to forgo the cafeteria that morning, and when Neil had choked down a few more bites of toast slathered with strawberry jam, Andrew and Neil dressed quickly.
Andrew finished brushing his teeth and spat in the sink, letting the water wash away the toothpaste spit. Neil was walking around the suite behind him, rummaging through drawers and pacing groves in the carpeted floor. Andrew watched him, leaning against the edge of the sink with his arms folded loosely across his chest.
“The bathroom is free,” Andrew called. Neil looked up, his gaze distant and hazy.
“Thanks,” he replied after a beat that lasted too long.
They walked to the lab, Andrew a step behind and Neil lagging behind. Neil’s anxiety was palpable in the air in the way his silence was strained, and how he kept his eyes averted, darting all around him like he was scanning for threats. Andrew fisted the sleeve of Neil’s hoodie and Neil seemed to take comfort from that.
A medical intern waited for them in the lobby and directed them to one of the rooms in the back. When Andrew found Aaron and Nicky waiting there, he quirked an eyebrow in question.
Nicky smiled his toothy grin and hopped up from his seat next to Aaron. “Hey! Matt told us you and Neil would be doing your procedure thing today. Me and Aaron wanted to be here.”
Andrew didn’t roll his eyes, but it was a close thing. He should have known that Aaron and Nicky would have had breakfast in the cafeteria, and it was only a matter of time until the gossips did what they did best – gossiped. Andrew almost regretted introducing his brother and his cousin to the timeless. He didn’t expect them to get along so well, at least not this quickly.
“So, what does this thing actually do?” Nicky asked. Aaron lifted his head from his place at one of the metal tables, and Andrew noticed he had been studying diagrams from a medical book. An intern with bouncy, strawberry-blonde curls had been pointing out the different pictures to Aaron and she looked up, blinking when she realized Aaron’s attention had shifted. Andrew narrowed his eyes at him but Aaron’s expression betrayed nothing.
“If successful, Andrew’s immortality will transfer to Neil and cancel out his time sickness.” Andrew hadn’t noticed when Abby entered the room, dressed in her white doctor’s coat. Nicky sent her a startled look. “They’d both be rendered mortal.”
“And if it’s not successful?” he asked.
Abby pressed her lips into a thin line. “Death. It’s a tricky procedure, but I have a team of doctors and assistants that will be helping me. Your brother is in safe hands.”
Nicky didn’t look any more reassured. He looked wildly from Andrew to Neil, before retreating back to Aaron for help.
“Are you going to cut them open?” Aaron asked bluntly. Andrew knew he was thinking of the surgeries performed in the nineteenth century. They were brutal and usually opened the body up to infection. Unless the surgeon was particularly skilled and delicate, people often didn’t live long after surgery.
“It’s not surgery. They will be hooked up to machines that will aid the transfer, but it’s mostly up to Andrew. He’ll have to focus his energy into transferring his immortality to Neil, and Neil will have to choose to receive it. It’ll will be quick, lasting only a couple of minutes at most.”
Aaron and Nicky exchanged a look but said nothing more.
“Katelyn,” Abby addressed the intern sitting next to Aaron. “is the equipment ready?”
“It’s all set up and ready to go,” she said. Andrew found her cheery attitude to be extremely annoying, close proximity to Aaron only increasing that ten-fold. The worst part was that Aaron didn’t seem to mind at all.
Abby ushered Andrew and Neil into a large room with machines Andrew didn’t know the purpose of hooked up to walls. Three separate monitors were set up around two metal tables. Andrew assumed they would show body functions such as heart rate and blood pressure, but he didn’t know if it would show his immortality and Neil’s, well, sickness. He wondered if immortality could even be shown on the screen, if it were a physical thing.
Abby left the room so Andrew and Neil could change into white hospital gowns, and knocked on the door a few minutes later to announce that she was coming back in. She directed Andrew and Neil to lay on the metal tables and then a stream of interns and assistants flooded into the room to power up the machines.
The metal was cool and uncomfortable under Andrew’s back, seeping the warmth from his skin and providing little comfort. He leaned his head back and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. Beside him, he could hear that Neil’s breathing was a tad too quick. Andrew flicked a look at him and found him glancing from machine to machine with wide, panicked eyes.
“Neil, look at me,” Andrew said softly. Neil’s breath hitched and his head jerked to the side towards Andrew. Andrew reached out his hand and Neil gripped it like a lifeline. “I’m not going to let you go, okay?”
Neil nodded and took a deep breath. “Remember your promise,” he said, his voice strained.
“I remember,” Andrew said.
Katelyn was the one who hooked Andrew up to the machine, chattering amiably all the way. She placed cold sticky pads all across his chest and forehead while another assistant did the same to Neil. Andrew had to withdraw his hand when Katelyn snapped wires to the buttons on the pads and placed a something over his thumb that was supposed to monitor his heart rate. The monitor in front of him displayed a picture of his heart and all its chambers, pulsing with every beat in his chest.
Once they were all hooked up, Abby told them that she would have to go behind a protective wall where she could control the machines.
“You will feel a slight tugging sensation,” she said. “Nausea is normal, and so is a little bit of a headache that may last for a couple days. Ready?”
Neil nodded and took another deep breath. Abby disappeared behind a wall, and then the wall disappeared, shimmering like a mirage. Abby’s voice as she gave orders to the other doctors was muffled, and Andrew realized it must have been some sort of glass. Neil twisted to look at Andrew the best he could with all the wires constricting his movement. His face was still pale and his expression tight, but he held Andrew’s gaze for as long he could. “See you on the other side,” he said and squeezed his eyes shut.
Andrew’s vision went black, and a slight tugging sensation wasn’t exactly how he would explain what he felt. It was similar to traveling through time in the sense that he felt his entire body was being squeezed into a small space, but different because he didn’t feel like he was moving. He could still feel the metal table under his back, but it was like all of his insides, his stomach, his lungs, his heart were being jostled from inside of him. His pulse pounded in his temples, and over his heartbeat he heard a loud whooshing noise.
Somehow, Andrew forced his eyes open and the room came into all-too sharp focus with bright fragmented colors that arranged in his brain to make his heart monitor, his heart beating rapidly on the screen. Andrew forced his head to the side and squinted to see Neil. Neil’s body convulsed on top of the table, his eyes and mouth stretched open in a silent scream. Sound came back all at once and Andrew could hear the choked gasps coming from him.
Panic overtook him and Andrew shot up, pawing at the patches on his chest, yanking at the wires as much as he could in his weakened state. He could feel the pain his head receding, he stopped feeling so shaken and his organs returned to their places. But Neil – Neil was still seizing.
Neil.
“Don’t stop,” Andrew ordered, bordering on shouting. He didn’t care that he was infringing on his promise. If this was the only deal he broke in his entire life, then it was fucking worth it. “Don’t fucking stop until Neil is okay.”
Muffled voices in his ears, a scream that Andrew couldn’t tell the origin of. The machines whirred, lighting up red warnings that Andrew didn’t need to know that something was very wrong. Andrew ignored them and pushed and pushed until his vision darkened at the edges and he fell back against the table.
He was gone, he was falling, he was lost. He couldn’t feel anything anymore.
~
The ringing in his ears turned into a dull beeping sound, and it was another couple minutes until he was able to force his eyes open. The patches on his chest were gone, but there was a circular IV in his arm and he was in an entirely new room. Andrew squinted, trying to remember what happened. The image of Neil on the table, dying, and the sucking darkness when Andrew tried to save him.
But Andrew was still here, and Neil wasn’t. He failed.
“Hey, Andrew, don’t sit up okay? Abby said you’ll be a little sore.” Nicky’s voice to his right was obviously meant to be soothing. A hand on his forehead pushed his hair back but Andrew pushed it away. He felt like he was imploding as grief ripped through his body, his organs collapsing on themselves until there was nothing left but his hollow shell. Nicky seemed oblivious to all of this. “Aaron is in the cafeteria getting us dinner. We didn’t know when you’d wake up, but we can always get more.”
“Where’s Neil?” Andrew croaked, his voice scratchy and near unintelligible. He swallowed and tried again. Even if it was over, even if he failed, he needed to know what happened. He didn’t care about food, despite the loud rumbling his empty stomach made.
Nicky hesitated, playing with the sheets by Andrew’s arm. Andrew couldn’t stand this. If he had only pushed harder, Neil would still be alive. Andrew had failed and now he was left with nothing to show for it but a severe headache. Neil was gone, and this time he wasn’t coming back. The back of Andrew’s eyes burned and his throat constricted painfully. He desperately tried to shove it away, lock it up before it overflowed but he couldn’t stop thinking of Neil. His smile, his laugh, the way his body jerked on the table like a rag doll.
“Nicky,” Andrew demanded. He hadn’t heard that desperate note in his own voice in a very, very long time. “What happened?”
“He’s still asleep,” Nicky assured. Andrew stilled. He was alive? Neil was still alive? “He’s pretty banged up, but Abby said he’ll be okay.”
The air was knocked out of Andrew, and yet it was the first time since he woke up that he could breathe. He stopped struggling against the sheets of the hospital bed, he felt all of his energy drain out of him and he slumped against the pillows. His throat worked. Neil was going to be okay. They were both going to be okay.
A part of Andrew never believed that he would make it through. He knew that when it came down to it, Andrew was always going to do everything he could to save Neil, even if that meant letting himself go. Andrew made Neil a promise, and he meant it, but making the promise while Neil was living and breathing was different than keeping it when he was dying.
“He’s okay,” Andrew repeated, having to taste the words to believe them.
“Yeah, Andrew. The procedure worked.”
He couldn’t wait any longer. Andrew forced his way up, pushing off of the pillows with his elbows. His body felt heavy, but Andrew managed to swing his legs over the edge of the bed.
“Hey, no. Don’t do that. Andrew – ” Nicky tried to coax Andrew back to lying down, but Andrew used Nicky’s shoulder as leverage to get down from the bed. “Wait a minute. Where are you going? Andrew?”
“Neil,” Andrew grunted. A tug on his arm reminded him that he was still attached to the IV. Andrew scratched at it with his fingers and peeled it off. It was a lot like the patches on his chest and forehead during the procedure, except tiny needles retracted from his skin when he removed it. A voice in the back of his head told him that removing an IV is bad, and messy, but there were hardly more than tiny pinpricks of blood that he wiped away with his thumb.
Andrew stumbled, his heartbeat still pounding in his temples, and Nicky caught his elbow. Instead of shaking him off, Andrew allowed Nicky to steady him and then made his way out of the room and down the hall.
They were still in the lab, just in different wing than where they had the procedure done. It wasn’t hard to find Neil’s room, there were only three other rooms in the medic wing, and only the one on the end was closed. Andrew opened the door and went through without knocking, Nicky quick behind him with an apology.
Abby was leaning over the bed, fiddling with wires and tapping at the monitor. She looked up at Andrew’s entrance, surprise and disapproval on her face. It turned into exasperation when she saw who had barged in. “Andrew? You should be resting. Neil isn’t going anywhere.”
Andrew ignored her, because there Neil was, laying in the bed with the blankets tucked around him. He looked pallid under the fluorescent hospital lights, his skin a shade paler than his usual golden tan, but otherwise unharmed. He was also hooked up to an IV, but the monitor recorded a strong, beating heart.
Abby looked annoyed when he pushed past her but she didn’t try to stop him. Neil was already stirring when Andrew came in, and when Andrew hooked his fingers in the collar of Neil’s hospital gown, he was beginning to blink open his eyes. Ocean blue, the color of a summer sky, Andrew didn’t care what color Neil’s eyes looked like, just that they were Neil’s and that a slow smile spread across his face like oil on water.
“Andrew,” he said, like it was the sweetest thing on his tongue. He reached his hand for Andrew and pulled him closer. Andrew climbed into the bed, keeping errant knees and elbows from accidentally jostling Neil, and curled his body around him. Neil shifted so his head rested on Andrew’s shoulder and clutched the fabric he found on Andrew’s chest.
Peppering kisses on Neil’s forehead, Andrew felt like he could finally breathe. He was alive, he was alive and Neil wasn’t going to die anytime soon. Abby had ushered Nicky out of the room to give Andrew and Neil some privacy but Andrew hardly noticed. He didn’t care. At that moment, the only thing that mattered was Neil’s lithe body cradled next to his, was Neil’s even breaths of air small puffs against Andrew’s neck.
Something welled up inside Andrew, expanding like a balloon. He pulled Neil tighter against him, refusing to ever let go. It was over, it was all over. Andrew felt a weight lifted from his chest, his entire body. He had Neil in his arms and they were okay.
Neil laughed, a small relieved sound, and sunk into Andrew’s embrace. They stayed like that for only a couple of minutes, but it felt like hours. Abby came back in the room, holding Andrew and Neil’s neatly-folded clothes in her arms. She placed them on the foot of the bed and smoothed the fabric with her hands.
“I’ll be back in a couple minutes to check on Neil’s stats again, and then you can get dressed and head home. How are you feeling?” Abby directed the last part at Andrew.
Andrew stared back at her, considering. His body ached, and his head still felt like someone had cleaved it in half with an axe, but he was breathing and so was Neil. They had the rest of their lives ahead of them, a life spent with each other. It was almost too much to hope for, and it made Andrew dizzy with the thought.
Andrew brushed his fingers against Neil’s wrist, over a tiny mole on his skin, and said, “Never been better.” He was only being a tiny bit ironic.
Abby let them be and then they were alone again. Neil was tracking his eyes across the painted black spots on the ceiling and Andrew traced his fingers over Neil’s scars, proof of what he lived through, proof that he was alive and that he had healed. Neil turned his head and met Andrew’s gaze, bumping their foreheads together.
“What was that about taking me to the Exy court later? I believe you even said you’d play with me,” Neil said, a pretty smile curling his pretty mouth.
Andrew snorted, devoid of its usual exasperation. “I don’t recall,” he said. Neil didn’t argue any further, he didn’t need to. They didn’t have all the time in the world, but they had a lifetime and that was enough. It was more than enough.
It was everything.
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