#we aren't together but we sure are partners in raising this dog

[amarmeme]

Gale and Tav during the weave scene smiling like gay co-parents doting on their child.

[schizopositivity]

Hello! I just had a quick scroll through your blog and it helped me to understand a bit more! I was wondering if you could answer a question of mine? I have a friend with Schizophrenia and just in you personal experience, does confirming things that are real bad? Like if they think they hear dogs barking and aren't sure if it is real or not it's good to confirm something like that right?

Well I can't speak for everyone with schizophrenia. We are all different and have unique needs and preferences. I think you should ask your friend, they know themselves best.

As an example of how it could go: for me I'll ask my partner if they hear/see/smell something. And they will casually and calmly tell me yes or no. If they say no, they don't ask more questions. We both know I hallucinate and at this point in my life it's not a big deal. But I do like to check and see if it is a hallucination or not just for my own curiosity. They are the only person I feel comfortable doing this with because they know me best, and they don't treat it like a huge deal, which I appreciate.

You should also be aware of some of the reasons a schizophrenic person might not want to reality check with someone in this way. A lot of people will treat any hallucination someone they know has as a big dramatic thing that needs an immediate solution. People might react by getting really concerned and treating their loved one completely differently for having active hallucinations. Maybe they just raise their eyebrows and keep a close eye on you. Maybe they try to see the hallucination themselves. Maybe they suddenly act like the hallucinating person is in danger. They might even rush into trying to get the person into a hospital. The hallucinating person also may simply be embarrassed to tell people. And while all of this can come from a genuine place of concern, it can be really upsetting for the hallucinating person. It might just be their everyday symptoms, and someone being very dramatic about it makes them feel like they aren't seen as autonomous and conscious of themselves, or as someone that can't simply exist as themselves.

These are things you should say to a schizophrenic person while they are not hallucinating: if you want you can check with me and ask me if things are real. Would you like me to verify if things are real or not? If you are hallucinating while we are together, what would you like me to do? How can I tell when you need immediate help? And also just assure them that you won't judge them for hallucinating, you won't treat them differently, and you won't turn it into a big deal if it's not.

And if you ask them and they respond with "no I don't want to reality check with you, I don't want to tell you when I'm hallucinating" then that's their answer and you shouldn't try to push them into wanting anything else. It's not about you not being a good enough friend, it is just their personal boundaries. And if they respond with "yeah you can reality check with me, but only when I specifically ask for it" then you should accept that answer too. It takes an incredible amount of trust to reality check with someone, and that trust shouldn't be broken.

Once again, every schizophrenic person is different. I can't know what your friend would want, so please reach out to them directly about this. And if you can't openly have these types of conversations then you probably shouldn't be the one to reality check.

[pardi-real]

Honeymoon Knight / Chapter 11 - If I Were to Keep a Pet

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~ After a while ~

Hanamaru: "Phew… The discussion about marriage turned out to be livelier than I expected."

> “Thank you for sharing” > "Listening to it was enjoyable"

Teddy: "Hehe… I'm glad you enjoyed it, my lord!"

Yuhan: "Well then... It's about time for the lord to be getting hungry, isn't it?"

> "That's true"

*Stomach growls*

Muu: “E-excuse me... I'm getting hungry…"

Yuhan: "Oh dear… Looks like Muu's hungry too."

Hanamaru: "It's almost lunch time. Should we grab a meal?"

> "Let's do that"

Teddy: "Leave it to me, I've researched the nearby places in advance! There's apparently a stylish café nearby. Shall we go there?"

Hanamaru: "As expected, Teddy, you're reliable~."

Yuhan: "Thank you, Mr. Teddy."

Teddy: "Alright then, my lord. This way!"

> "Thank you"

And so, we headed to a nearby café. We sat around the same table at the café.

~ After a while ~

Teddy: "The coffee and pudding here are so tasty..."

Hanamaru: “The green tea is great too. And this ice cream here."

Yuhan: "My lord, are you really okay with this? Us sitting together like this..."

> "I'm happy about it" > “Don’t mind it today”

Yuhan: "Is that so? However..."

Hanamaru: "Don't worry too much, Yuhan. If the lord says it's okay, then it's fine. More importantly, we should eat soon… The iced matcha latte will get warm, you see?"

> "That's right, Yuhan"

Yuhan: "Understood. Since it's such an opportunity... I should enjoy it. I'll make sure we have a good time."

> "Please do"

~ A few minutes later ~

Muu: "Wow... This shop has matcha drinks!"

Yuhan: "Yes, they're very delicious. As summer approaches, and the weather gets warmer... Drinking cold matcha outdoors has a certain charm.”

Muu: “Hehe… Indeed, cold drinks in hot weather are truly delicious!"

> "That's true"

Hanamaru: "For real, it just hits differently. Muu, be careful not to chill your stomach by drinking too much, okay?"

Muu: "Ahh! There was a cute white cat over there!"

Hanamaru: "Ah… he ain't listening at all."

> "I'll let him know later"

Hanamaru: "Thanks. You're really kind, my lord."

Muu: "Ah... The white cat seems to have gone somewhere…"

Teddy: "Maybe it ran away because someone with a dog is approaching?"

Following Teddy's gaze, we see a newlywed-like couple walking their dog.

Yuhan: "Hmm, come to think of it… in the central lands as well, there's a culture of keeping dogs as pets."

Teddy: "In Espoir too, sometimes you can see families with dogs. Hehe… Dogs are wonderful, aren't they?"

> "Teddy, do you like dogs?"

Teddy: "Yes, I do!"

Muu: "Oh~! So you and Mr. Haures have similar tastes!"

Teddy: "Huh, really!? Having similar preferences with Mr. Haures which I admired... I feel somewhat happy."

Hanamaru: "Teddy really looks up to Haures, huh?"

Teddy: "Yes, Mr. Haures is my goal. Oops- sorry, the conversation got off track."

Hanamaru: "Just maybe, Teddy. If you get married, would you want to have a dog?"

Teddy: "Uhm, if I have to say... Right, I might want to have a dog. Adopt a puppy and raise it together with my partner… I want to take them to a meadow and play with them.”

Muu: “Fufu, that sounds really fun! Speaking of which… how about you, Mr. Yuhan and Mr. Hanamaru? If you get married… What pet would you have?”

> “The pet they'd have, huh…”

Yuhan: “Hmm… well… if I were to keep a pet… perhaps, a bird.”

Hanamaru: “Ooh… is that so?”

Yuhan: “When I was little, I took care of an injured bird and kept it for a while.”

> “So that happened”

Yuhan: “Yes. That was a good memory.  It had its challenges, like getting pecked at and the bird being reluctant to eat... But those hardships, it might bring joy when shared with a partner.”

Hanamaru: “Hm, hm... So you belong to the ‘if I were to keep a pet, it would be a bird' faction, Yuhan.”

> “How about you, Hanamaru?”

Hanamaru: “Hm, me? If I have to say… It would be a cat. Because cats... seem like they'd be good for lazing around together, right?"

Teddy: "I-I see..."

> "That's very Hanamaru-like reasoning"

Yuhan: "Really, it's unbelievable... Are you planning to laze around even after getting married?"

Hanamaru: "It's not a big deal, this is all just a fantasy anyway. Besides, if I were to get married for real... my partner would probably... like that about me, right?"

Teddy: "Th-that's quite the confidence, isn't it?"

Hanamaru: "Heh... Anyway, it's nice to have these kinds of conversations once in a while. Well, that being said... Right now, my lord is more important... more than a theoretical marriage-partner-to-be. Honestly… I have no interest in anyone but you, my lord.”

> "Uh, um..."

Hanamaru: “Caught off guard, ain't cha, my lord~? Your face is all red~."

Teddy: "Wait, Mr. Hanamaru. Please don't trouble the lord. And making advances is not allowed."

> "Teddy...?"

Teddy: "I also value the lord a lot. Of course, these feelings won't lose to anyone"

Yuhan: "Oh my, that's not something to ignore. I also care deeply for the lord."

> "Even Yuhan..."

Hanamaru: "Oops... Both of you, well said, huh... But don't worry, you two. I'll make sure to make the lord happy. As proof... Here, my lord, hold out your hand for a moment."

> "Huh...? Uh, okay"

As I extended my hand… Hanamaru started whistling.

Hanamaru: "Phwee… phwee…."

???: "Chirp, chirp!"

> "Huh?"

In response to the whistle, a blue bird flew out of the tree and landed on my hand.

Muu: "Wow, a cute blue bird!"

Hanamaru: "Hehe... Impressive, isn't it? It's a whistle that calls the bird of happiness. With this, there's no doubt that good fortune will come to you, my lord."

> "That's amazing, Hanamaru”

Chirp, chirp! The little bird chirped softly and then flew away.

Muu: "Ah, it's gone. I believe blue birds are symbols of good luck, right?"

Teddy: "Yes, that's right!"

Yuhan: "Mr. Hanamaru...! Please call the blue bird again."

Hanamaru: "Huh? Call it again?"

Yuhan: "The whistle can call a blue bird, right? Please, call it again. If possible... let it land on my hand this time..."

Teddy: "Mr. Yuhan… Your eyes seem brighter than usual?"

> "What's going on, Yuhan?"

Yuhan: "Um, well... My apologies. I was a little too excited."

Teddy: "Do you like blue birds?"

Yuhan: "Yes. When I was a child, I wanted to have a blue bird at least once. However, blue birds are rare and hard to come by... So I gave up."

Hanamaru: "I-I see… Well… To reveal the trick, this whistle doesn't really call a blue bird... Any small bird will respond, you know?"

Yuhan: "Oh? Is that so..."

Hanamaru: "I happened to see a blue bird in the tree earlier, so I whistled, and the blue bird kindly responded."

Yuhan: "I see... That's too bad."

Hanamaru: "Well, don't be so down, Yuhan.  Oh, right...! Next time, shall I teach you how to whistle? Birds seem to like it, you know?"

Yuhan: "Sigh... If you can stop that triumphant look, I'll consider it."

Hanamaru: "Haa... you're being dishonest~ Yuhan."

Muu: "Mr. Hanamaru! Teach me how to whistle too!"

Teddy: "I want to learn too!"

Hanamaru: "Oh, oh, sure."

> "Can I join too?"

Hanamaru: "Geez... Master Hanamaru sure is popular today."

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[enhypia]

JY ; almost lovers

almost lovers answers questions with the choice of drinking instead of answering

pairings: sim jaeyun x gn!reader

genre: fluff, angst if you squint

words: roughly 1.4k

masterlist ⸺ series masterlist

~guides and warnings~

italics - reader speaking

bold - jake speaking

[enclosed] - interviewer speaking

italicized bold - both reader and jake speaking

[enclosed bold or italics] - question (depends on who's speaking)

heavily inspired by: rec.create lie detector games, cut truth or drink

warning: contains and mentions of !!! drinking and swearing

i don't promote underage drinking, save your livers

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

hello~ my name is jake!

and i'm (y/n)

and we're almost lovers

[you guys were invited here today as almost lovers for a fun little drinking game, you guys aware of that right?]

yes we were

[okay, for this game, questions will be asked and if you refuse to answer, you drink, it's that simple. should we start?]

yup!

i'll be drinking regardless if i answer or not btw

why?

it's free alcohol

[how long have you guys known each other?]

since middle school ??

yup, so like 6 or 7 years ?

[wouldn't you be childhood friends then?]

oh no, jake and i weren't friends

*jake laughs and (y/n) grins

we really weren't, we were just somehow always put in the same classes

classmates, that's literally just what we were

ah i got it, we just knew of each other's existence

yup that

*both laugh

[how did you guys became almost lovers then?]

oh it's the classic project partners thing

we became seatmates, and like for that whole school year almost every teacher assigned seatmates as partners

it's like they all collectively agreed to it

yeah so we just eventually got close and ,,,

chaos ?

chaos.

*both giggle because jake's giggle is contagious

[why didn't you guys get together?]

we were both cowards and dumb with feelings

and jake had to move back to australia

and i had to move back to australia

[so if jake didn't move, you guys could've been together?]

,,,, i honestly do not know

yeah same

jake was the popular dream guy, i wasn't even dating him back then but so many rumors spread

i'm sorry about that really

don't worry, it wasn't your fault

*you pat him on the head making him smile widely

[how about we start the q&a between you guys?]

yeah, let's go~

*both nod and played rock paper and scissors to determine who gets to ask first, jake wins

okay! first question

*jake picks up a card and laughs in disbelief

why?

[do you still find me attractive?]

*(y/n) bursts out laughing

i don't know if i should be offended that you're laughing or what

no, because it's ridiculous!

whY?

jake i literally compliment and hype you up whenever we meet

*jake blushes

so yes i still do find you attractive because you ARE attractive.

*(y/n) smiles teasingly

*jake rolls his eyes

*(y/n) picks up a card

oh wow

[did you see ever yourself loving me?]

*jake takes a shot

you know that just makes you sus

it's not like you don't know the answer?!!

that's the point! i do know so you could've just answered instead of drinking

shut up *jake grumbles

*you take a shot to make him feel better

the answer is yes btw, i did see myself loving them

*(y/n) almost chokes

*jake laughs

it's different hearing it out loud

*jake g i g g l e s

just read the next question

[do you think it's my fault that we didn't become a couple?]

pffft-

i mean

yeah yeah, but for me i'm blaming australia

sure buddy.

*jake :O

but no i don't think it was your fault, like we said a while ago, even if you didn't move, we were still dumb with feelings and we probably would've prioritized our future than a relationship. it wasn't the right time i guess??

*jake nods in agreement

[sorry, was it ever clarified between you guys that you had feelings for each other?]

oh yeah! we knew about it

yeah bUT AFTER I CAME BACK FROM AUSTRALIA ???

*(y/n) laughs

we met up when he came back and i just went "oh did you know i liked you back then?" and then jake just -

*(y/n) can't finish the sentence because (y/n) remembers the scene perfectly and is laughing hard

*jake groans

thAT! he groaned like that and basically slammed his head on the table.

yeah and you gaped like a fish after i told you i liked you back then too!

*jake :P

*(y/n) :O

i did not

yes you did! you went *jake imitates a gaping fish

yah! *(y/n) hits jake's arm lightly

*both laugh

*(y/n) reads the card and takes a shot after

why are you drinking? i'm the one answering

i know, i just needed that shot to prepare myself

[do you still have feelings for me?]

*jake turns red and reaches for a shot

moving on-

i'm answering

*(y/n) error404 please restart

*both cannot look each other in the eye

i don't know honestly? i still am kind of dumb with feelings but the reason why i say i don't know is because i'm trying to make sure that what i'm feeling for (y/n) is real?? like i actually do like them and not with the feeling ??

*(y/n) nods understanding what he meant

because wouldn't that be unfair to (y/n) ? saying you have feelings for them when you aren't really sure? i don't want that, i don't want to hurt (y/n) in any way or form

*(y/n) downs a shot and covers their face in embarrassment

why~ ?

*(y/n) narrows their eyes at jake and just hands him the card to read

*jake laughs

okay let's go,

[do you still think about what could've been?]

goddammit

*(y/n) takes a shot

*jake is basically just laughing at everything at this point, but that's okay he's cute when he laughs

yes, i do. i think what plagued me the most were 'what if?' questions. when i see my friends getting into relationships or hearing them talk about someone they've been seeing. i would often ask like "what if we just had confessed earlier?" "what if you never moved?" "what if we actually got together?" things like that

but i think my hardest 'what if' was "what if we just tried?"

*please put jake in rice he is not working

*he raises his glass to do a cheers

here's to painful confusion !

and dumb feelings~

*both take a shot

[question for both: do you regret that you guys didn't get together?]

honestly, no? i feel like if we did, we would be two completely different people right now?

yeah, i like who i am and who you are right now, so i don't think i regret it either.

and we were shit at romantic feelings

we aren't kidding, we really were

i feel bad for everyone who had to witness that phase in our lives

rip

*both laugh

[freestyle! ask any question you want]

hmm,,

don't think too much

no <3

*(y/n) rolls their eyes

okay, okay, i have one

this better be good sim.

[you said a while ago that it wasn't the right time for us before. how about now? do you think we're finally at the right time?]

.........

*(y/n) is speechless

*(y/n) downs a shot

jake don't ask me out on television

*jake bursts out laughing

i don't know jake, you tell me, you're the one confused with feelings.

... .. ... .

*(y/n) realizes what they said

*jake literally 👁👄👁

,,,, what?

*(y/n) clears their throat

huh?

nu uh, what did you just say ??

i haven't said anything yet?? are you okay?

*(y/n) looks at the crew around them that were covering their mouths preventing laughs and squeals

you definitely said something that meant you have feelings for me!

i did not! you need to get your ears checked

*(y/n) is blushing and is avoiding jake's intense look

[that's one way to end, huh?]

oh yay! we're done, good job everybody!

*(y/n) is hurrying to escape like a pokemon

*jake is still dumbfounded, poor guy

[is he okay?]

don't worry about him, he's rebooting

*jake glares adorably at (y/n)

we are talking after this

sorry i have plans, i need to water my dog

*(y/n) teases jake making him facepalm

[i think i smell another feature, but maybe as couples next time?]

*both blushes at the statement

that's all up to jake, director :D

*jake :O

honey, close your mouth, you'll catch flies

*jake wakes up at the term of endearment and his blush deepens

yah~ !

*(y/n) grins widely and waves to the camera

bye~

»————-　♡　————-«

bonus: youtube comments (peep last one)

masterlist ⸺ series masterlist

a/n: AAAA ENHA CB !! the enhypen dimension opens owo <3 anyways, i made jake's lighter since i couldn't make it angsty, he's too precious, i must protect him. also, my jake timestamp (oh worm?) received a lot of love, thank you !!! i hope you like this one as well~ sunoo's will be uploaded next !! please look forward to it <33

[wolfeyedwitch]

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

“I, I don’t know,” Poppet said finally. “That will, um, depend on Phoenix? And what she decides to, to do with me?”

Nina frowned a bit, glancing at her girlfriend, did Phoenix threaten you? it didn't look like it, not that there was a problem even if she had done so.

"Honey?" she called, making Phoenix look at her, "My dear, love of my life, baby, de-"

"What do you want?" Phoenix asked with a raised eyebrow.

"If it's up to you, can we keep them?" she asked excitedly.

"Nina... they aren't a dog," Phoenix said with a sigh, the poor villain had their face pale listening to the talk.

"But look!" Nina said, suddenly pulling Poppet to a hug, making Phoenix frown at the closeness, "They are so cute!"

Poppet froze at the sudden contact, they weren't expecting that, they weren't expecting any of that.

Bailey did not understand Phoenix. They understood the new woman, Nina, even less.

They were obviously partners; that was clear enough from Nina's endearment tirade. Whether that be partners in crime or in life, it didn't matter all that much.

What mattered is now Bailey had two unpredictable women to deal with. Even one was more than enough to cause them a world of pain. They weren't sure they'd survive two.

"If it's up to you, can we keep them?" Nina asked, excited and eager to have Bailey at her mercy.

"Nina.... they aren't a dog," Phoenix said with a sigh.

Weren't they, though? Just a stray mutt made useful because of its training? Supervillain's trained pet so they could show off how Bailey would lay down and roll over at their commands?

Suddenly Nina was close, so close, why was she so close what was she doing—

Giving them a hug.

They didn't hear the rest of her words over the blood rushing in their ears. They froze at the unexpected contact, but... she wasn't hurting them.

In fact, Bailey didn't remember the last time someone had touched them this kindly.

They slowly melted into the warmth of Nina's hug, muscles letting go of the rigid tension they'd had since Bailey woke up. They rested their head on Nina's shoulder, not caring how that required them to bend awkwardly. Tears welled up and escaped before Bailey could even think to stop them.

"Uh..." Nina said, but she didn't let go, and that's what was important to Bailey at the moment. "Phoenix, what do I do?"

Oh, Phoenix was probably going to be mad that they were crying on her partner and upsetting Nina. That felt distant and far less important than the warm arms wrapping even tighter around them.

Nina started stroking their hair, and didn't that just make Bailey cry even harder. It had been even longer than their last hug since someone pet their hair like that.

"Phoenix, did you hurt them?!" Nina asked indignantly.

Bailey didn't quite make out Phoenix's reply. They did manage to pull themself together enough to talk, even if it was just because they didn't want either woman to get the wrong idea.

"I do- don't understand," they said between sobs, "wh- why I'm he- here. I don't know what yo- you want from me."

@neverthelass @cupcakes-and-pain @badluck990

[pixie88]

Christmas Shopping

Chapter 3 - Addicted to you.  

A/N: It felt so weird writing/editing this chapter in the middle of summer, but that’s how their timeline worked out! I can’t remember the last time I released a H&L chapter or wrote one to be fair, I think after this I have 2 more in drafts. Better get back to it! I hope you like it 😘  

Tagging those who asked to be tagged but if you want to be added let me know!

Read previous chapters HERE!

Warnings: Fluff & NSFW

Songs: Kelly Rowland - Commander, Rihanna - Only girl, Magic - Rude & Wyclef Jean - Perfect gentleman.

Word Count: 2673

Pairings: Laila x Harry

Enjoy! 😘  

A couple days later.

"So what are you going to get Harry for Christmas?" Nikki asks her as they had taken a break from shopping to have some lunch. "I have no idea what to get him!" she sighs. "I'm sure he'll be happy with you in some sexy lingerie," Nikki winks at her Laila lets out a loud laugh making people turn to look at her. "Or you can get him a Santa costume?" she laughs.

"What are you getting Stu?" Laila changes the subject. "He wants a new aftershave, I can't remember what he normally wears. What does Harry wear?" Laila has a think "Erm...a few different ones really Paco Rabanne One Million, Davidoff cool water, Boss Bottle that one what's his face is in the advert....the guy that plays Thor. Is one he smelt recently and liked but he didn't get it because they sold out and only had the sample bottle."

"You can get him that! I might have a sniff to see if it's something Stu would wear too!"

After lunch, they are walking through the shopping centre, Nikki ended up getting Stu some aftershave. Laila was still unsure what to get Harry, so Nikki drags her into Ann Summers. "What about these??" Nikki holds up some fluffy handcuff, Laila snorts. "We already have some, but without the fluff!" Nikki puts down the cuffs "What about cock ring? Closest Harry will get to sticking a ring on it!"

"We have that too," Laila blushes. "Crotch less knickers?" Laila nods signalling she has those. "Weighted love ball?" she asks and Laila again nods. "Feather tickler?" nod, "Blind fold? Riding crop?" Laila again nods, "Jeez, it would be easier to ask what you haven't got!" the pair laugh, "What? It has been eight years remember!" Laila winks at her.

"What about anal beads or ball gag?" Laila pulls a disgusted face "Finally! What about nipple clamps?" Laila laughs, "Only if they're being used on him!" she laughs. "God! Just think 6 months ago you were a born again virgin...now look at you! Getting more action than all of us put together!" Nikki giggles "Just over 7 months actually!" Laila corrects her.

Laila's phone Pings.

"Nikki! Look what Harry has done to Mabel!" she hands her the phone. "Awwww! Laila how adorable do she look!" the pair coo over the photo. "Has she met her new dog walker yet?" Nikki asks as she hands back the phone "She's met her, she's actually taking her out today." she smiles.

They ended up leaving the shop with some Christmas theme lingerie.

Later.

Laila arrives home all the lights are out "Harry?" Laila calls out. "I'm in the living room!" he calls back, she hangs up her coat and makes her way across the hall. When she opens the living room door the room is lit with tea and fairy lights, there are blankets and cushions on the floor in front of the coffee table. On the coffee table there is a chocolate fondue with fruit and marshmallows next to it "Aww Bear! What's all this?" she wanders over to him on the floor. "Where's Mabel?" she looks round the room as she sits next to him.

"She's gone to bed, Nessa took her for a 2 mile walk today!" he cups her face pulling her in for a soft kiss. "Aww, are they getting on OK?" he smiles, "Yeah, I've booked her in for Monday to Friday this week coming about lunchtime, so you'll met her this week."

"Right, enough about this dog walker. Are you going to let me feed you?" she winks, he leans forward grabbing a strawberry and hands it to her. She dips it into the chocolate and guilds it towards his lips, he's just about to take a bite when she redirects it to her mouth and takes a bite. He laughs and reaches over and pulls her lips to his. His tongue swirls with hers tasting the chocolate covered strawberry, he pulls away "That was amazing!" he grins at her.

She grabs another strawberry covers it in chocolate and traces it against his pulse line. Her tongue follows the same path, he groans and his breathing hitches as she pulls away she places the strawberry against his lips, he takes a bite. His lips brush over her finger tips making her every nerve ending stand on end. He knows the affect he has on her "How was that?" 

"Tasty!" he grins and winks at her "Your turn." he picks up a marshmallow covers it in chocolate holds it out for her to bite into it. "Hmmm..!" she smiles at him "Did you get all your shopping done?"

"I need to order a couple of bits online, but after that..I'm done."

"Christmas day, what are we doing?" he asks.

She sighs, "I don't know how we are going to split between them all!" she leans against him and his arm comes around her. "I have an idea....as it's our first Christmas together, what if we did Christmas day just me, you and Mabel? In bed in our PJ's? I'll cook us Christmas dinner. Then Boxing day we do a buffet for both families?" she sits up to look at him "So, a lazy Christmas day? In bed?"

"Yeah...PJ's, snuggles in bed and a Harry Taylor roast. What more could a girl ask for?!" he winks waiting for her answer. "I love it!" his face lights up "Really?!" he questions her. "Yeah, Christmas day in bed with my hunky boyfriend, but I have one alteration....no pajamas!" He raises a brow to her, "Noted!" he jokes. "Instead Christmas jumpers!!!" this wasn't the answer he was expecting.

She giggles "Your face! But I want matching Christmas pajamas!" He chuckles "OK, but no photos my brothers will rip into me!" she sighs "Oh! Come on, one photo? Just to make me happy?" she pouts. "Fine, if it makes you happy." she claps getting her own way, "I think you owe it to Mabel after today!"

He chuckles "She looked cute!" "She did! Oh are you working Saturday?" she asks. "I don't think so?" he questions. "Every Christmas we do a friends Christmas party, kinda like a blow out before the family stuff. Nikki has planned it for Friday night and she has found somewhere that is having a 90's to 2020's night"

"Sounds good, who's going?" he asks. "Remy, Alec, Nikki, Stu, Alene, Daniel and now us!" she smiles. "I'm guessing we get completely smashed then?" she laughs.

Friday evening.

They arrive at the club Nikki found, Laila and Harry are the last to arrive.

Laila notices Stu and Nikki at the bar, she sneaks up behind her Stu spy's her, but Laila puts her index finger to her lips signalling him not to say anything. As she reaches Nikki, she wraps her arms around waist, making Nikki whip round with a face like thunder until she realises it was her friend "Laila, I was just about to...whatever. Glad you guys are here." she shouts over the music.

"Sorry, Mabel's walker got back late. Where are the others?" Laila calls back, Nikki points over to a table where the rest of the group are sat. Harry leans in, "Shall we get a drink first?" Laila nods "What you guys having?" Stu asks. "I know Laila's drink, Harry what ya having?" Nikki asks.

After they make their way over to the others "Hey!!" Laila call out as she takes a seat next to Alec, who hugs her and Harry. They are sat for a few minutes when Kelly Rowland - Commander begins to play Nikki jumps up, grabbing Laila's hand dragging her to the dance floor.

Nikki starts to sing along.

"From here on out

I'll be your commander (I'll be your commander)

No fear no doubt

I'll provide the answer

Right now I command you to dance"

She points to Laila, who starts to sing along with her. The pair are dancing on the edge of the dance floor in view of the table, laughing, their bodies swaying to the music the pair attract a couple of strangers, who slowly move closer to them waiting to make their move to become their unwanted dance partners.

Completely oblivious to the unwanted strangers, the song switches to Rihanna - Only Girl they continue to dance. Suddenly both girls feel someone behind them as they turn they saw Stu and Harry, Laila looks up at him confused "I thought you don't dance?" she laughs. He wraps his hands round her, swaying her as he leans in, "I don't, but those blokes behind me were inches away from trying to dance with you two."

She looks behind him "Oh, you didn't want me dancing with a stranger?" she laughs, he shook his head and they continued dancing away.

The next song was Magic - Rude as it starts up Laila starts singing it to Harry when she gets to the chorus he joins in.....

"Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?

Say yes, say yes, 'cause I need to know

You say I'll never get your blessing till the day I die

'Tough luck, my friend, but the answer is no!'

Why you gotta be so Rude?

Don't you know I'm human too?

Why you gotta be so Rude?

I'm gonna marry her anyway

Marry that girl, marry her anyway

Marry that girl, yeah, no matter what you say

Marry that girl, and we'll be a family

Why you gotta be so Rude?"

Both grinning and smiling, he cups her face pulling her in for a kiss.

A little later back at the table "Laila, Boxing day....is it OK to bring Melissa?" Alene asks, Laila looks over to Rem. "Is Rem OK with that?" she looks to Alene who nods "If it's OK with Rem it's OK with me." when she looks up Rem mouths "Thank you." to her.

Daniel comes over from the bar with a tray of drinks "Sex on the beach anyone?" he passes them around the group. "Damn Daniel at least buy a girl a drink first!" Alene teases him "Sorry Len, but you aren't my type!" he winks at her, the group laugh.

A little later Perfect Gentleman - Wyclef Jean starts playing a tipsy Harry pulls Laila away from the bar and onto the dance floor. He spins her before pulling her close to him swaying them together. "Hey, you are a liar!! You can dance!" Laila giggles as she wraps her arms around his neck.

"My moo....ves only get bet...ter after I've add....a few." his words are slurred, his hips move with hers. He spins her round again, her body collides with his "I think you need to get drunk at every party or night out if it improves your dance moves!" he smirks before claiming her lips. As they sway with their lips locked, Laila can feel him begin to stiffen against her hips "Hmmm....someone seems to be enjoy themselves a little to much!" She winks.

He looks round checking no one is near, his lips brush against her ear "Can we head home? I got some other kinda moves I want to show you!" she giggles and bites her lip, "Let's go!" they say their goodbyes and head for the tube.

10 Minutes later.

Their underground train arrives empty, he sits and pulls her onto his lap. He captures her lips, the kiss becomes heated, Harry pulls off his coat and places it on her lap. His hand creeps under his coat snaking into her jeans "Bear, not here!" she whispers, he smirks against her lips continuing his trail. He lets out a soft growl. He reaches her hidden jewel, her head rolls back as his lip pepper down her neck.

She bites back a moan as he works between her slick slits.

Through the speaker they hear the next station is their stop, they both groan with disappointment. "Come on, we can continue this at home!" she gets up as the train pulls into their station.

2 Weeks later.

It's the day before Christmas Eve, Laila has just finished her last day until the new year, she wanders into the kitchen, "Oh, Harry! You're home early!" she was sure he mentioned he was training Stu tonight.

He's leaning against the kitchen counter with a whiskey in his hand, he looks over to her "I canceled Stu's PT session....Laila, there's something I need to tell you..."

He looks as if what he's about to tell her is tearing him up inside, her minds goes into overdrive....Was history repeating itself?

"Bear?" she looks at him concerned, he takes a deep breath "When I came back today to take Mabel for a walk at lunch....I bumped into Nessa." she laughs, "What is she annoyed we didn't get her to take Mabel out today?" he silently chuckles, but it quickly fades. "She was walking another client's dog, she asked if she could join Mabel as I was taking her over to the fields. We were just sat on a bench talking...she asked me about work and us. Then this afternoon she turned up at my work for a PT session, I didn't even know she booked. I was giving her a tour of the gym and she tried to kiss me..."

Laila's cheeks burn, but soon drain cold "What?!" was all she could conjure up from her lips. "Laila, I promise you as soon as she leaned in I stepped back. I was just as confused as you are, I asked her to leave after that." she can see he's just as shocked as she is "Laila? Please say something!" he softly pleads with her.

She sighs, making her way over to him cupping his face "Looks like we need to find a new dog walker." she laughs, he rolls his eyes at her. "Hey, It's not the first and probably won't be the last time a client tries to make a move on you....I remember a client making some more steamier moves on you about 7 months ago," she grins at him. He laughs, "Those were wanted moves!" he reminds her. "More than wanted...just look at what happened that night...but I'm glad you told me about Nessa." she pushes up on her tiptoes to kiss his nose.

"I've never given another woman a tour of the changing rooms since." he laughs before continuing "That is how and why we work because we are honest with one another!" he kisses her nose. "OK, can I be really honest..Bear?" he nods, "You stink!! Did you not shower before coming home?" Laila baits him. "Oh, I do? Do I?" he raises a brow to her.

With that he throws her over his shoulder "Harry?! Put me down!" she screams between her laughter. "Sorry, my love that's a no!"  his hand strikes her arse cheek as he begins to climb the stairs with her over his shoulder. "Harry!!"

Later.

Cuddled up on the sofa watching a film "Bear?" he hums in response. "Can I be the one to sack Nessa?" she giggle, he starts searching her hair, "Harry, what are you doing?" she asks. "Looking for your devil horns," he chuckles, "But if it makes you happy...Yes, you can sack her.... to be fair, it means I don't have to deal with her," he starts to stroke her hair back down "Now how to do it? Mwahahaha!!" she fakes an evil laugh, "You really are the devil!" he smiles at her "Oh, you've seen nothing yet, Bear!" she winks.

@aussieez​ @secretaryunpaid​ @lem-20​ @irisofpurple​ @khoicesbyk​ @txemrn​ @wombatsxkookaburras​ @beautifuluknownvoid​

He pulls her onto his lap, so she's straddling him, he cups her face "Why don't you show me?" his lips crash to hers.

Chapter 4

[nachotrash]

ANOTHER EDITION OF INCORRECT QUOTES

ft: @catchmewiddershins @paradise-creator @elektrosonix @lilikags @todd-the-phrog and my irl bestie

Lili: I think I'm falling for you.

Anna: Then get up.

Anna: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.

Pauline: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.

*Wid walks in*

Pauline: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.

Sara: Are you an F5 key? Because that ass is refreashing.

Wid: Are you a software update? because not right now.

Isamu: Is something burning?

Wid, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.

Isamu: Wid, the toaster is literally on fire.

Isamu: *seductively takes off glasses*

Isamu: Wow...

Anna: *blushes* Haha... what?

Isamu: You're really fucking blurry.

Anna: Any questions?

Wid: Uh, yeah, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Anna: Uh, a plan, duh...

Shiyu: Wid, chill, I know it’s weird, but Anna has a point.

Wid:

Wid: THAT WAS LITERALLY A PONY DOODLE WITH A HAT!!

Wid: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Sara!

Sara: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.

Lili: I'm not that stupid!

Shiyu: Lili, you literally ate the wax from a babybel.

Lili: ANNA TOLD ME IT WAS EDIBLE!

Isamu: *visiting the squad* Hello, I just came to-

Isamu: *sees Sara shoving Shiyu into the washing machine while Anna records and Wid watches*

Isamu: *retreating* Something suddenly came up.

Shiyu: I failed my safety training course today.

Lili: Why, what happened?

Shiyu: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Lili: And?

Shiyu: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

Lili: How would you like your coffee?

Wid: As dark and as bitter as my soul.

Lili, shouting to someone behind the counter: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar!

Wid: It’s time to turn this into a real business.

Shiyu: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?

Anna: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?

Sara: I handle our accounting.

(no but this is actually me)

Sara: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-

Anna: You sleep with a teddybear.

Sara: He’s my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

Lili: You are an absolute fucking dork.

Anna, singing: Yeah, but I'm your dork!

Lili: *sighs* Yeah, you're my dork.

Lili: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines!

Isamu: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck!

*During the play*

Pauline: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?

Lili: W-what’re donuts?

Pauline: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-

Anna: A doll.

Isamu: A cinnamon roll.

Lili: A sweetheart.

Pauline:

Pauline: ...stop it.

Pauline: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.

Wid: Aren't you forgetting something?

Pauline: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Wid's forehead before running out.*

Wid: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

Pauline: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gunna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?

Anna: Why should I feed you if your just gunna die anyways?

Pauline:

Pauline: I'll go make my bed-

Lili: Yo dumbass, get over here.

Shiyu: Okay-

Anna: *gleefully runs past* I’m coming!

Shiyu, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass...

Shiyu: That shirt looks great, Sara.

Sara: Thanks.

Shiyu: But I bet it would look even better on Lili's floor.

Lili: Are you hitting on Sara... for me?

Pauline: I dare you-

Lili: Isamu is not allowed to accept dares anymore.

Pauline: Why not?

Isamu: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say.

Pauline: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Isamu, taken from us in the prime of life; when they were crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.

Isamu: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Lili: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?

Wid, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?

Sara, whispering: Because I have little hands.

Wid: Because they have little hands.

Anna: I’ve made a spread sheet of all the crime in Brooklyn.

Anna: There’s so much crime in New York, no one should live here.

Lili: Pros and cons of dating me.

Lili: Pros. You'll be the cute one.

Lili: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

Shiyu: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.

Pauline: The cow??

Shiyu: What?

Isamu: Pauline, W H Y?

Lili: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes?

Sara: For the dogs.

Wid: Why are your tongues purple?

Isamu, texting in the group chat: I wonder what Apple shots would look like?

Shiyu: That’s the longest worm I’ve ever seen.

Isamu: Is this your plan B?

Lili: What do you call quantums of electromagnetic radiation that don’t get along?

Sara: Hey, no, you stay out of this, this is between me and Isamu!

Anna: Truth or dare?

Isamu: How many children do you have?

Isamu, tearing up the room: Where are they?

Sara, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?

Isamu: I failed my safety training course today.

Pauline, watching Isamu and Sara fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?

(ok but this is kinda accurate)

Isamu: Do you want some tea?

Pauline: I have an idea.

Wid: When I was a kid, Isamu told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year.

Pauline: What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them??

Shiyu: What's wrong with you?

Wid: I intend to stay pissed at you forever.

Anna, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.

Anna, holding a rock: Isamu just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock".

Anna: What do you have?

Pauline: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

Lili: Alright, listen up you little shits.

Anna: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal, that's where the blood's supposed to be!

Pauline: So are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car?

Sara: How stupid do you think I am?!

Pauline: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-

Lili: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Pauline.

Lili: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?

Anna: I wanna die.

Shiyu: Are you sure this is safe?

Wid: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Isamu: The time to act is now.

Isamu: Shiyu won’t wake up, what do I do?

Isamu: Why doesn’t Pauline find me sexy when I bite my lip?

Wid: Anna's first detention, I'm so proud.

Pauline: She's the girl of my dreams!

(and now, an only ship edition)

Pauline: So, are you two dating now?

Anna: I didn't drink that much last night.

Anna: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?

Shiyu: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.

Isamu: *sees Anna and Pauline together*

Pauline: Two years ago, I married my best friend.

Anna: Well, remember when Lili made a romantic dinner for me?

Isamu: Sara, let’s go!

Anna: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Wid: Is this your plan B?

Shiyu: I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like them so much!

Lili: I find it very unseemly of Shiyu to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?

Shiyu: Hey, Pauline? Can I get some dating advice?

Shiyu: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...

Isamu: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.

Anna: Guys, my friend here is bilingual.

Sara: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Anna: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

Shiyu: Isamu kissed me!

Sara: Ooh, somebody has a crush

Lili: *sees Anna and Shiyu together*

*playing twister*

Wid: So, what is Shiyu to you?

Shiyu: Why are your tongues purple?

[dino-folly]

Part two of dnd

Libby pov

Okay so Libby you were in your own home, when worms began eating through your floors, a group of worms so large they tangled themselves in each other

They told you they needed help, to find a girl and bring her back to them

They told you that this girl should be in the mountains far south of your home, and you akwardly refused because you needed to stay home for schooling and such but then the worms rose revealing more and more worms falling and rising like a spout of water

They told you that you may not refuse, or else they would take you instead

they were sure they could make you look like her

And so you took your horse that may or may not have also been stolen and you made your way south

You make your way to a wall that stretches as far as the eye can see, the only thing in the smooth stone a gate that sat wide open

you pass through and find two women

one vaugle matching the description of the girl the worms asked for

Dm pov

HELLO THERE *ahem*

"So uh,, lovely weather we are having huh?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you must come with me!" Libby then attempts to put blobbers, the woman who vaguely resembles the description, on their epic horse

Blobbers screams, and instantly in the other Autumn's hand appears a short curved blade "Hey!" She shouts at libby "Let go of my dance partner!"

Libby makes a verbal key smash "But,, I want to dance with her!! On my horse!! Back home!!"

Failed persuasion check

Autumn sprints at lib and kicks ltheir back and the vines around her feet whip their neck

-4 damage

Libby yells, still holding onto blob as they summon their familiar

Homebrew spell tries to grow a tiny snail but failed wasting a spell slot

Libby feels magic tingle in their arm as they use summon and grow familiar and you grin triumphantly

But then they see it appear on the tip of their finger

a snail, the size of a raindrop

While they spent time useing magic Autumn grabs lib by the arm and twists it off of blobbers before throwing them to the ground

Smh blobbers the dumb lesbian saved by the other dumb lesbian

Autumn stands over Libby on the ground and points her blade at them glowering

"What do you want with my dance partner?"

Blob: Kinda hot ngl

Nat: BLOB YOU SIMP

"To tango" libby lies

"You threw her on your horse, because.. you wanted to dance with her?" She questioned, shaking her head "You are going to have to tell me the truth."

"Fine. Picture the scene, you are a human in a house, minding your own business, when suddenly, worms come out at you and tell you to come here and to bring them a person with the description they listed!"

Autumn puts her blade away and looks to libby "You were summoned by worms?" Her eyes shift to blob for a moment "But isn't that what you were here for?" She asks blobbers

Libby stares at blobbers confusedly

"Oh yeah, yeah I was" blobbers said

"Then obviously she isn't who you are looking for" Autumn holds a hand out to lib to offer help up

Libby accepts help taking her hand and she pulls libby up akwardly then goes to help blob up by picking her up bridal style and setting her back down on her feet "You two have the same goal, so now you can't kidnap my dance partner right?"

Blob: nAT I AM ALREADY GAY

"I suppose." Libby brushes off dirt from their clothes

"But surely if the worms sent us here that means,, the one we are looking for,, is nearby..?"

Autumn shakes her head "You aren't even half way there, it is a weeks journey on horse from here."

"what??? Aw man, I'm gonna miss my bug racing tournament now" libby groaned

"W e e k s??" Blob questioned "That's like, more than 7 days"

"Well it's over a thousand miles, it takes a while to get to those mountains. There are many resting places though, and I wouldn't doubt there being a bug race in the gambling place in the next town" she offers akwardly clearly not a fan of bugs

"GAMBLING?!! SIGN. ME. UP!" Libby cheers

"Money??? I'm going." Blobbers the capitalist agreed

"I can show you the way there if you'd like me to come with you" Autumn began and blobbers did not even hesitate to say "Yes."

"Sure- Besides,, it would be nice to have some sort of company considering how long this journey is gonna be" libby hopped onto their horse and gave their familiar a pat "hold on tight bagel" the whispered

Autumn beams, then gets onto blobbers horse, holding a hand out to help blob on behind her "I hope it is alright we ride together, as I don't have a steed"

Blob: Ah dang I cant say anything about the riding thing, there are children present

"Uhhhhh horse,,, big" blobbers commented before Autumn helped Blob onto the horse in front of her and arms around blob to stear the horse they lead lib's horse to the next town

It takes about three hours so by the time they get there the sun is rising at 7 am

Blobbers falls off the horsedramatically, and Autumn hops off the horse and helps blobbers up again "Are you tired from the ridding? I can get us to an inn if you need rest"

"Ah. .,. The tired.,.,., walking.,.,.such an extenuating exercise,..,.,if only there was a way .,.,.,.to n o t walk ,..,"

Autumn snorts and picks blob up "shall I carry you to the nearest inn then?" She grinned

"YES- I mean. If it's not too much trouble"

"Will you talk to me, Bagel?" Libby asked the snail

Bagel chews gently on their arm, it doesn't hurt but it tickles a bit

Autumn smiles and looks to lib "You need rest to, after the sorta fight from kidnapping blobbers, you're a little roughed up."

She takes the reigns of horse and leads lib and horses to the nearest in in town while carrying dumb lesbian tm

Break to talk spell slots and what a rest will do

They are taken/carried to the town inn, which happens to have a stable next door. And lock up the horses

Autumn then takes them to a gambling shack across town, and find a sign saying there is indeed a bug race!

They go in, and are met with the smell of cooked meats and sound of cheers as many people are placing bets at one counter and at the other snacks are served

As libby walks up to the counter the man managing bets slides across the counter and smiles "come to place a bet? Next race is for bug, but afternoons horses and evening will be dogs."

He waves at the sign that has a list of bugs they may bet on. There are many bugs, including but not limited to rhino bettles and african land snails

but they notice there is no worms on the list

Blob: is this place legal?

Nat: wisdom check

Blob: 7

Nat: you didn't even know bug races existed

"Yes, I bet 200 on the snail." Libbly places 200 copper on the table and the man hands them a ticket with a grin "thank you kindly, luck laddeh"

"I bet 200 copperoonis to the grasshopper" blob sets the money on the table

The man laughs and holds up a ticket "Sure thing lass, grass hoppers are lucky after all"

Blob steps away from the counter and to autumn "Miss tarta what are your thoughts on cheating, lying and deceiving?"

Autumn raises a brow and grins "depends on the context of the lying cheeting and stealing. Why have you asked?"

Game paused, libby sleepy

[suchastart]

If it isn't too personal, what happend with your husband? (feel free to ignore this if you aren't comfortable, sorry!)

sigh

real talk, I guess?

very long answer behind the cut

So. I got got married to the guy I loved in college, and we’d been together for a few years, and I was 22, and that was the natural progression of things? Graduate and then marry? I’d graduated with my mostly-so-far, STILL to this day ugh useless degree in Creative Writing and English, and we both had jobs and an apartment and were happy? I think we were happy. I thought we were. We were doing Life together and you know, we were living, but. But I think I was struggling with things even then; drinking a little almost every day, not as much then, and for two years we were okay, and then we moved to GA to be closer to his family–while mine was far-flung, in PA and England and Washington state and then Germany.

I missed them. It was hard. It was so hard. I grew up with the super-close unit that was my mom, dad, and brother for my whole life, because my dad was in the military and we moved around so much and they were all I had, so like, I am my family? I don’t feel myself if I don’t have them, I guess. Long distance from them was terrifying and hard and debilitating. But I was married now! So I had my husband, and his family was my family now so, naturally, of course we would move to be closer to them. 

So I found a new job when we moved to GA, and it was like 30-35 hrs a week and I had a lot of time at home and I am Shy and self-deprecating and I always think I am awful and I was in a new place and felt alone and so I had absolutely no friends where we were living, and absolutely no family around–it was just me, and my husband, and his family. Which was okay–his family are (still, I’m sure) such great people, and we got along great, but. It’s not the same? “What’s mine is yours” and all, sure, but it wasn’t my family, who know me inside and out, who raised me and grew up with me and just. know me, to my blood, to my bones; I didn’t have anything that was MINE. And you need that, I think, as a person???? You need stuff that is yours. Even when you’re “in Love” and married–you still need stuff that’s yours?? And everything seemed to be his? We moved there for him and his job and his family, and we hung out with his sister and his brother and his friends, and drove his new car, and travelled his roads, and visited his family, and just. 

I felt like I was drowning. I drank more. I drank so much. I went into work hungover, and I pretended to be “sick” or cramping and went home early because I was aching in my heart and my head and my whole body, and I was dehydrated and depressed and fucking just kind of dizzy and wanted to puke and sleep forever. I got into bed and cried. I drank so much. I worried about absolutely everything. I didn’t go anywhere. Secretly I resented him for taking me away from my family (which wasn’t fair to him, or to me, or to anybody). I don’t think we communicated any of this well. I cried so much, and told him that I hated myself, and I wanted to go home, or to die.

I just very, very much wanted to die. 

We grew distant? It felt different than when we both lived in NC and away from our families, both of us together. Maybe he knew. He tried to help, I think, how he felt like he could–he was so nice to me, and I never doubted his kindness, and he tried to get me to hang out with his family and friends, and to go do things, tried to pretend I was still his Dream Girl who liked video games and his favorite shows and was really chill, but I think I made it worse by preferring to stay home and cry. I just didn’t have the energy to pretend, and I was sad and angry and exhausted. I wanted to die. I was suffocating, and I missed my family. I never tried to restrict him going anywhere–it was truly so great that he was visiting his sister, or his mom and dad, or going out of state to visit his college friends. I was genuinely happy for him, I was always supportive of him and encouraged him to go, because I wanted him to have fun and I was happy that he was happy, and I never wanted my issues fucking up his good time. Sometimes I would go, too! But sometimes he would ask that I go, and I just–couldn’t. I physically couldn’t make myself. Once, we drove a whole hour and a half, maybe, to his sister’s place, and we were going to play some board game and I had a panic attack and he drove me all the way home an hour and a half there in Atlanta traffic, and then drove back. And I felt like such a terrible burden, and a terrible wife. And he told me, once, that he cried on the way there, that he was so upset when he went to visit and I didn’t go with him, that he wanted a partner and it was supposed to be me–and that was just… I know it was probably hard for him, having a wife who was depressed and anxious and lonely and. Well.

We didn’t really communicate any of this well. He was always kind to me–he was supportive, and made me my first doctor’s appointment when I felt like I couldn’t call, and I started my antidepressants because of that, and I’m still alive. Sometimes that in itself still feels like an achievement. Like: hey! At least I haven’t killed myself yet! Even though it’s come close a few times? Like, listen. Once this year I called the suicide hotline everybody posts about? Because I was just done. And it’s a fuckin’ automated system????? And just. That was so disheartening, like–the last thing I want to do when I truly am just miserable and Ready to Go is like, fucking go through a god damn automated machine system to press 2 if I wanna die? Like?? Jesus. Why am I going to call an automated system when I’m ready to just down my whole bottle of pills to press through fifteen buttons of a machine?

Anyway. So that didn’t work out well but. I don’t know. I just really don’t know. I still have a lot of feelings about everything. I felt like things were (slowly, very, very slowly) getting better after I started taking medications. I had future plans with my previous job (at the next year! the next two years! it was such a novel thing, making career plans for actually building my own place in a company, I would’ve had a Place, I would’ve done something that mattered in a company that I believed in), I was talking to my mom again, I was feeling like I could breathe, just a little, taking antidepressants and medications that might help my anxiety and sleeplessness. I knew things weren’t The Same with my husband, but I thought we could work toward it? We were rarely physically intimate anymore. I was miserable, and he was trying to help. I was trying to live, and to pretend that I was alive. I was raised to think that we shouldn’t Give Up on my promises, that marriage has its ups and downs and that things can go way south sometimes but you can keep going, keep working, not giving up.

We were growing apart. I know it, and I knew it. He came home one day in September, and I was washing the dishes and asking him what he wanted to do that day, or that weekend, and he told me that he just couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t love me, and he hadn’t loved me for the past two years. He left that night, and took our dog, and left me alone in a state by myself with my mom, my dad, and my brother, my whole heart family, in Europe. I had literally nobody. He was my person, and he left.

So that’s what happened.

I called my dad, and he booked a very fuckin’ expensive immediate ticket from England to come help me pack up my stuff. I was sick for days until he got there. I was vomiting, and couldn’t sleep, and lost so much hair. I couldn’t eat. I called my husband and told him that I was sick and didn’t know what to do (because who else was I supposed to call?? any semblance of family that would help me being literally hours away from me at that point), and he told me that he was at his sister’s house an hour and a half away and that I should just go to urgent care?? So I just. Waited. I waited for my dad, my best friend, to get there. I hired a lawyer. My husband wanted to just do everything Online and get rid of me easy–but my parents helped me hire a lawyer and my father and I went to meet one while we packed all my stuff in a U-Haul. We drove all my stuff to PA, and they renovated the whole attic to give me a little suite up here. I haven’t talked to my ex but maybe once since then. I’m still friends with his family on Facebook, which most days still feels a little weird. We don’t talk at all, or comment on each other’s posts, and it kind of feels like a stalemate? It’s very awkward. I still love them? And miss them?? But it feels a little displaced, like–I’m still super angry at him, but his family has been nothing but kind and welcoming to me, so–?

I don’t know. I don’t know? I’m angry, and sad, and accepting, and thankful, and tired. I want this to be over. My parents and I have spent so much money in attorneys fees. I am tired. I am terrified of being alone. I am terrified that I am broken, and unlovable, and unfixable. I don’t want to see his last name on mine anymore. I am mad that he gave up on me, and silently accepting that he did, because of course he did, why wouldn’t he give up on me? I am bitter. I don’t want to believe in love, mostly because I don’t believe I will ever have it again. My new friends at work are getting married. I keep telling them that it’s not too late to turn back–poking fun while torn between being happy at their happiness and bitter about it, too. I’m jealous, and angry, and scared.

People grow apart. Maybe we weren’t meant to last forever. Maybe I still have a person out there. Right now I feel hopeless. I had an email from my lawyer this morning about sending a final decree to the judge. We’re approaching the last stages of this divorce. 

Maybe this is a learning stage? Maybe I’m supposed to learn things about myself. Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe everything happens for a reason. 

But I’m still terrified. I don’t want to be alone. I am terrified of being alone. I want somebody to love–I want to make a family with somebody, to join theirs to mine, to share myself with someone, to make a family. I don’t want to feel so torn, or regretful, or resentful, or angry. I want to have someone.

I want to feel love. And I am so, so scared that I won’t ever get another chance.

So that’s the story. And I just–I want you to be careful? Whoever is reading this. Please be careful with your heart. And despite how bitter and angry I am, and how much I hate saying it–I want you to believe in love. 

So maybe do both?

And if you need someone to talk to, please remember that I’m here, and I believe that you are so great and beautiful and worthy of whatever your heart desires ♥