#we need bendy elf

[cupcakecoterie]

@true0neutral - Hazel, half-elf cleric

@fauxfire76 - Darvin, human bard/sorcerer

@miaaoi - Froseth, dragonborn monk

@hyperewok1 - Remi, human paladin/warlock

@lindira - Clarity, tiefling rogue/warlock

Marion - Ava, human ranger

Brian - Barnabus, minotaur fighter

So, yeah, my dice are utterly terrifying, or else all the luck I lack elsewhere ends up going into random dice. Not that what happened is necessarily lucky...

See, @hyperewok1 had Remi go to the Shrine of Pelor in Egref to have a specific magical item created for Alisaie, to allow her aasimar-granted wings to last longer, at least for flight. They were aiming for about an hour. However, since this was a slightly unusual circumstance (and some phenomenal text RP), I made a couple of mechanics about how it might go a little bit above and beyond. So I rolled percentile dice: on a 25, 50, or 75, she’d be able to have an hour total, as in if she ended the effect after ten minutes, she could re-engage it and have 50 minutes left. But if I rolled a 100...

GUESS WHAT I ROLLED. (I swear, my fucking dice...)

So Remi told Alisaie what the circlet she’d had made was supposed to do; Alisaie went speechless and very smoochy, and was encouraged to try them out. She activated her wings, had a second of nothing but, “...ow...”, and then BAM. Physical wings, like unto a deva or an angel. Thankfully she was wearing a largely backless dress at the time.

For all it was not what anyone expected, it was some phenomenal RP all told as everyone went their own shades of “What the FUCK” and tried to determine the best way to proceed. Alisaie’s keeping the wings (she does love to fly, and it’s probably nice to have something that Antimagic Field or Dispel Magic won’t touch) and is currently figuring out ways around wardrobe issues, seating arrangements, sleeping arrangements and use of Disguise Self when she has to be more inconspicuous than literal wings allow. Remi’s going to have words with Ziriel, and probably the individual who crafted the thing in the first place.

...But later, because wedding reception. A pair of very unexpected wings wasn’t going to fuck with their wedding.

......Honestly, everything else kind of did that anyway.

Hazel’s Quickflight cousins were hosting the reception at their restaurant, The Farmer in the Dale, and wound up more or less pummelling Hazel, Clarity, Darvin and (because Darvin drew her in to deflect some of the questions) Ava. Clarity put it best: “It’s ... like ... a halfling gelatinous cube...”

Remi’s parents more or less cornered Kreia Bendis (the brass dragon who runs Alama-Ver, its capital Al-Zorhai, and the Brass Arrows) about her denying Alisaie her rightful place with the Brass Arrows as punishment for someone else’s misdeeds. Corri Crestwind is a force to be reckoned with, and after the rest of the Five Claws joined in, Kreia Bendis gave up and decided, since they were all part of the same group and were going to have to hunt together if they were hunting in Alama-Ver territory anyway, asked what Clarity and Barnabus had helped kill before inducting Alisaie, Barnabus and Clarity into the Brass Arrows. Clarity and Barnabus were a little confused, but there you have it.

Vieve Alled, the silver dragon who runs Eun-Bac (home of the People and the Silver Vault, capital city Damyl), told them that they’d be given a task by whatever hunting pack of the People they ran into on the outskirts, which if successfully undertaken would guarantee them entry into the section of the Silver Vault of their choice. She figured it’d be faster than making them go all the way up to Damyl and then back down to perform the necessary task. She also warned them that she would house them when they finally reached Damyl, and that no one leaves her table at their shared meal without telling three things about themselves. Ava worried about this until people effectively reminded her of how interesting her life has actually been to someone who isn’t living it.

Remi made a joking remark about how she wanted a cut of the profits from that play about her and Alisaie. Never make joking remarks around Cal Etielle; that particular copper dragon takes the weirdest things seriously and left mid-reception to shake said cut out of somebody. Succeeded, too, so now there’s a significant but as-yet uncounted amount of platinum in Remi’s possession.

Cal Etielle also made a toast to the couple. So did Darvin; it was very moving.

The Crestwinds, bakers by trade, made a glorious wedding cake, intricately iced to reflect the lives of the happy couple to date. Corri also baked Remi some chocolate chip cookies (Remi’s favourite).

Kreia Bendis propositioned Hazel, who’d been giving Kreia Bendis looks of, “You’re hot but TERRIFYING!!!” for basically ever. Hazel meeped a lot and went to ask Clarity what to do about this. See, their relationship is a little complicated because Clarity’s asexual and Hazel’s ... not ... and they’re striking a balance to allow Hazel’s physical desires to be met while still keeping ... romantically monogamous, if that makes sense. (I mean, it does to me, but Clarity has the same outlook as I do in that regard.)

Side note: off-screen, Clarity said that’d be complicated for her because they would probably have to work with Kreia Bendis on and off and knowing that would be stressful for Clarity, so not so much. Clarity also demanded an apology from Kreia Bendis, who said, more or less, “I’m not psychic - I just asked a question. Message received but I don’t owe you a damn thing”. Both sides have points so it’s honestly just interesting.

Reception went well in spite of (or maybe in some ways because of) the weird shit, and Remi and Alisaie went for their two-night stay at one of Egref’s luxury resort hotels.

The next in-game day, and thus the next session, is going to be all about shopping and bits and pieces because we’re missing a @miaaoi (belated Canada Day outing) and a @lindira (literally 4th of July) and anyway, dice bullshit means that Alisaie needs to sort out her wardrobe. Again.

Don’t we just have the most fun?

[29goingon40]

Something has occurred to me. I’m probably not the first, but I haven’t read anyone else’s post about it yet and I need to work out my thought process here. If you’re not up for getting meta about Critical Role, feel free to skip this train-of-thought derailment.

First, some established facts:

1) Ok, so Rumblecusp is “the center of Exandria”. The implication of which is that it is somehow connected to all places in Exandria as well as (possibly) all points in Exandria’s history. (Brain bendy, but I think I might have a handle on that.)

2) People who come to the Island (from parts and times unknown), eventually lose some to all memories they had of tre before times (not being on the island). (No indication so far of how quickly that happens.) Viridian, in particular, thinks she’s been there 30-ish years and has a faint hint of a recollection of the continent of Tal’Dorei but doesn’t remember any other details (including how she lost her leg). Viridian is also obviously a Druid — based on shape change, tree stride, and the badass new leg o’vines she has.

3) 30-ish years ago, Vilya, mother to Keyleth of the Air Ashari (Druid, eventual Voice of the Tempest), was working her way through her Aramente when an encounter with a Kraken (near the portal to the Elemental Plane of Water) went horribly wrong and her entire party was killed. It is assumed that Vilya also perished but all they found of her was her severed leg.

4) A huge portion of the CR fandom (and a non-zero number of the cast, I imagine) are therefore convinced that Viridian is Vilya.

5) One of the stretch goals for the Kickstarter was a VM x MN one-shot. No details about how that would work or which characters from each campaign would be be involved have been released.

In a “if A, then B” manner, I hereby present my thoughts/conspiracy theory:

What if Viridian *is* Vilya (and god, there are so many layers of emotions wrapped up in that possibility)? What purpose would Matt be hoping to achieve with that? Such an emotionally-weighted loose end from campaign 1 is unlikely to be used as just a fun Easter egg for long term fans, or cast. Matt always has layers on top of layers going on.

So... what if this mystery island and its (not)god Avocado (I legit can’t remember the real name right now, oops!) are a way for Matt to set up the aforementioned one-shot?

Like: because of the way that the island spans times/places, somehow the party gets split — half the MN just disappears (into another time or place perhaps?) and the ones left on Rumblecusp are unexpectedly joined by strange people from another timeline. After a few moments of awkward hilarity ensue, they realize they have to work together to defeat Avocado and restore the timelines and return their friends. And what if, amongst those strangers from another time, is a young red-headed half-elf Druid? (And possibly a couple of her friends.)

If this is where this is heading, my predictions/hopes are thus:

- The VM contingent: Keyleth, Scanlan, Pike, and maybe Grog

- Angst abounds: Keyleth seeing her mother; Jester losing (even temporarily) her besties (Beau, Veth, Yasha, and possibly Fjord); the reminder that we’ll keep Caleb in this episode because there is no Vax to bring over (depending on “when” they come from); Vilya regaining her memories and realizing how much of her daughter’s life she has missed out on. 😭😭😭😭

- Maybe a second part to the cross over (🤞🏻), where we get to see Beau, Veth, Yasha, and maybe Fjord meet Percy, Vex, Trinket (and maybe Grog). And, depending on “when” they are, maybe Liam’s Derrig (from the Dalen’s Closet episode), who is a little perturbed that the Tempest (who he is supposed to be keeping “safe”) has just disappeared.

I dunno. I’m probably over thinking this. And this rambling post probably makes no sense (it’s the middle of the goldarn night here, why tf am I still awake?).

Thanks for listening, feel free to chime in with your own theories or reasons why I’m very very wrong.

[snarksandsarcasm]

World Trees and Akenash

It’s a big tree and a very fascinating one, too. It doesn’t have green leaves and it’s crown is small compared to the space its roots can inhabit. And it’s heart sits right there on the top, exposed to all sorts of elements, potentially, moving towards the sky as the tree grows. 

Through its tree veins flows Amber, a golden sticky sap with many qualities. It comes in raw liquid amber, a distilled form fit for human consumption and a dried form. 

Raw amber is acid and burns away human flesh (see young Aaron) and only elves and Styx/goblins can deal with that substance without any harm. 

Distilled Amber seems to be used as a stimulant. It isn’t quite described what it does but it creates substance addiction. We know that guards yearn for it their boredom and possible loneliness in the tower and that Styx complains about the shared minds/thoughts. So consumption of Amber allows all users to share their thoughts. Like a magical Twitter. To the user this is all but a fantasy, so they just think anything (and we know how strange, exciting and disturbing thoughts can be) without constraint and find it enjoyable that others can join in their thoughts. If they substance users would talk to their peers, they would probably find out that they have in all reality shared the same thoughts, but I am sure that is beyond their understanding. 

Dried Amber seems to be found widespread even after the Fall of Akenash. Another sign how big of a role the World Trees played in the environment of nature of this world in general. I imagine it to be a mix of a rubber and oil chalks. Brittle but also bendy. It’s like oil or rock minerals. Handling dried Amber doesn’t seem to cause any issues to humans. It can be brewed back into raw Amber and from that potentially into distilled Amber. Maybe it can be grated and further worked with to create explosives and to provide light and warmth.

The Tree seems to be a structure of twisted roots, stems and branches, intertwining and growing into a shape resembling a common tree. It is not quite as big as the Home Tree on Avatar, where it’s Navi people live in its giant structure, but certainly seems to have the same potential. Akenash’s tree is big enough for several such small levels, one of which is location for the final boss fight.

The roots are much larger than the rest of the tree. This may be the case for this particular World Tree as they ‘need’ to grow that long and large to find a place to take nutrients from. On the other hand, they don’t get anything from stone walls so what would those nutrients be in the first place? Certainly not water. Similarly the leaves don’t get any much light either, but how can we know the World Tree’s real potential if it’s looked up in a dark and dry place like this? Look at the initial cage structure to hold the tree in the picture. When we get to see the tree it has grown beyond and its roots reach into the lowest and darkest corners of the tower. In the roughly 40 years of Akenash’s lifetime. A big feat. Let this tree stand alone for 200 years and it will have outgrown the tower. Either way, it seems to live just fine without any much access to light or water. It does in fact deliver more to the outsides that it does consume in resources. It gives, it doesn’t take. The name ‘World Tree’ is a fair one. And if it’s not in such confinement it may just be a true and essential provider of life to all living beings.

The cocoons are marvelous. They are like large grapes growing from the roots here and there. Their cocoon wall is a see-through brittle substance but reusable. The human scientists refer to them as ‘embryos’ but I am not sure how accurate their understanding is. This would suggest elves grow from the Tree itself. But we also know elves where human once and we know how they reproduce (and SoD features both female and male elves). And looking how Styx was able to merely ‘rest’ in a cocoon and be ‘reborn’ … I see the cocoons more as rejuvenation and health pods. At any point any elve can rest in them to regain their health and retain their eternal life.

There are several World Trees but this particular one is the only one in human hands. One Akenash guard tells us as much. We know from OOAM that the humans occupy the centre part of the Iserian continent. In the North and West are the elves and dwarfs, the South is occupied by orcs, separated by a nice big wall. The East hasn’t been specified but I seem to imagine ocean for some reason. Styx left for an unspecified World Tree far away from where his Tribe lived. Upon finding himself changed he started his quest to undo the damage. Why not use the Heart of the Tree he studied? Why must he spend 200 years to ‘find’ the World Tree in Akenash? For some reason or other that previous World Tree wasn’t available to him anymore and he needed to locate another one with a functioning Heart. Musings for another time. Suffice to say, there ARE other trees, even more on the same continent, but they are not accessible to humans at this point.

It is not very easy to place all the races and determine their political positions. That would be musings for a different time. But we know that the humans don’t have access to any other World Tree, at least not unless they have good trade deals. So they protect their Tree and try to milk it as much as possible. Hence they built Akenash. It serves as a laboratory for Amber research and a factory for Amber resources.

Akenash was designed by Querberus, a human inventor. He refers to the tower as his masterpiece. It probably existed in his head for a long time before being used as a World Tree container and Amber factory. From my timeline attempts (I share them later) I figured that Akenash existed for about 40 years before falling. Orcs will build another tower in OOAM so I have little doubt they were also the main workforce for this one, too. Along with force-like magic in this world I can imagine such a massive structure was built in less time than we would think. Maybe a decade? Especially if Querberus is overseeing everything, knowing exactly what goes where, with the full support and resources provided by the human government for this project. Querberus went so far as even to design custom made, flying transport ships. Although, for that too, I am sure the inventor had some earlier prototypes at hand to finalize and perfect. From the final scene in MoS we can see the falling tower still sitting on a triangular patch of land, as if, some time prior, the whole tower lifted itself up from the ground. This may have been a desired result or an unexpected side-effect due to the powerful Tree housed inside the tower, we don’t know. That screenshot also suggest that the towers location was somewhere in a mountain range region.

We don’t know what else Querberus did before the tower of Akenash. But it seems his reputation is that of a Da Vinci even early on. He may have done many useful and practical inventions even before that at a younger age. He was a genius and it is a shame that after Akenash, he didn’t have the freedom to create many more projects. Shame on Aaron. (Side Note on the airships: They are designed with fire heating the air inside the balloon. I don’t think that is so effective, otherwise our Zeppelins would have functioned the same way …. but regardless of that, very little burning material is kept on the ship, unlike a whole coal wagon for early railway trains. I thus conclude that Amber might very well be used to keep the fire up one way or the other. I see it as a very essential, very powerful element full of energy in this world.)

We don’t get to see any females in the MoS game, for neither humans nor elves (whether the latter need them as such is also a question for another time). There are no family units or domestic areas. Therefore, the tower itself is a pure workplace, like an Off-Shore Oil rig. Shifts last for several months before one may return home. This applies to the humans and to the elves, although I can imagine the elves have less desire for intimacy with a partner than the humans do, when nothing really is private for the elves to begin with. But they may miss their original tribes and do their duty to this poor mistreated World Tree with honour and pride. 

The infrastructure of the tower is massive. They have a library, a giant incinerator (does this keep the tower afloat?) and a huge prison complex. I think the humans had prisoners work on the tower construction itself and then in the tower to deal with the dangerous substance Amber and needed that area to house them all. Like a big prison/concentration camp. Only guards and high-end officials have the choice to go and work in Akenash.

Being vulnerable humans they can’t completely do their work without the help of elves. Styx referred to the last time humans died trying to extract the Amber from the roots of the Tree and reminds Barimen how the World Tree belongs to the elves, as a race. They have agreed to tend to the Tree on behalf of the humans. Hence the need for the elf ambassador to ensure good working conditions and to make sure the deal made is being adhered to. This also explains the human hatred towards the elves, who are here out of necessity, not nice company. And the elves don’t like the humans abusing a World Tree. Room for tensions!

We don’t know what exact Amber products are being made in Akenash. We see many containers full of raw Amber everywhere but that’s it. Considering the size of Akenash, there might be space to create huge items such as military weapons, vital airship engine parts or just silly little things such as light matches using an application of ground Amber on their tip. I guess this is another good topic for another time. Amber products!

Considering how much presence I give Amber in this world, the Fall of Akenash must have been devastating for the humans. Their primary source of Amber gone. Trading will continue and dried Amber is still largely available, but it’s not as convenient as having your own World Tree. But it’s consequences on politics and economics is something for another time. Especially as Styx suggested in the Intro that the World Tree is a big secret of the humans, hence all the locks and guards. But such a thing cannot entirely be kept secret. I can see how the government will not disclose it’s exact size/production capabilities etc to their citizens or trade partners but I am certain enough people know what Akenash is for. Why it took Styx so long to find this place? Good question. But we may equally ask why Styx went through such a pointless game anyway, considering he is strong enough to just go ahead to the Heart grabbing it. Hm.

Some questions I haven’t got an answer to:

Tree Reproduction

Is the Heart of the Tree a seedling? Do the new seeds sit in the glowing leaves in the crown? Does the tree bloom? Bear fruits? If it’s a tree this big, who does the pollination? Giant bees? Would it not be possible, that after the Fall of Akenash from the remains of the Tree a new one will grow? I would say that generally new trees are rare. There are many spread throughout the world, but I’d wager you can count them on two hands. If they’d grow like apple trees there would hardly be the need for the humans to put so much effort into guarding the one Tree they have.

Other Mutations

Humans mutated into elves many eons before. An Orc can mutate himself into a goblin within 2 decades. Roabies are mutated giant critters. So what else can and will mutate? Fruit flies? Little lizards? We haven’t seen anything else. Direct contact with raw Amber causes deformation and deterioration of tissue so that might be Cause Number 1. Digestion of distilled Amber seems to affect and open up the mind only. So really anything that has direct contact with raw Amber might change, which in actuality is less than what we think. Who would choose to do that? Death of the creature seems more like than the deformation. 

[ask-ethari-anything]

I think we all need to hear That One Worm Story™️ now 😂

I wasn’t there, but Runaan’s version is grittier anyway, so here goes:

Runaan and his team got stranded in Evenere once during a terrible typhoon. The forest where they took refuge got destroyed and flooded out, and they spent a whole week soaking wet and really hungry before it let up. The only creature that was as fearless as they were was the foot-long stingworm. They still live in the lesser-explored parts of the human lands because their habitat is deep underground, but all the flooding drove them to the surface. 

They call them stingworms because even though they’re soft and bendy, they have a scorpion-like tail, and it delivers an acidic sting. You can spot them in the dark sometimes because their bodies are very pale, but the acid in them glows green, like the worst kind of night light ever.

So there’s Runaan and his team, wading and hopping toward Xadia through flooded swamps and downed trees once the storm finally let up, and dodging these stabby little bastards that are clinging to tree limbs and swimming around in the muddy water and jabbing them in the knees or the hands when they’re not careful. It’s easier to avoid them at night, but they’re each in their own little tree nest so it’s every elf for himself then. 

And they’re hungry. Did I mention? They’ve already been in Evenere a week longer than they expected, and there’s nothing much to hunt or forage for that’s worth eating.

Finally, Runaan lost his patience with the whole affair. Yet another stingworm tried to stab him in the hand when he reached for a tree branch to steady himself through the flowing floodwaters. Its stinger got stuck in his glove, so he lopped off its pointy end with a dagger, squeezed its soft bits out to get rid of the acid pouch, and slurped the thing down whole.

Everyone stared at him for a long moment. Finally Mayr asked him, “How does it taste?”

And my precious husband said, “Like justice.”

His squad wasn’t hungry for long.

I made way too much food for him when he came home safely, and then he made the mistake of telling the Worm Story to Rayla and me!

[beautifulterriblequeen]

consider... etharis connection to the moon arcanum not being as strong because he isnt a full moon elf. maybe thats why hes still trusted to enchant for the clan bc they know he has other abilities *_* im drowning myself in ethari hcs

*considers* Hmm. Ethari was stated to be a Moonshadow elf, so I think it’s canon that he’s just that, although I see where you’re coming from. He is pretty different than the other Moonshadows we’ve met.

I think of people on a sort of 3D spectrum. Everyone has the same amount of energy, but where it gets spent varies. Runaan put all his points into Looking Like That, Bendy Ninja Skills, Honor Tee Emm, Sounding Like That, Trying To Dad, and Loving Ethari. He’s a little uptight about everything else. Rayla’s spread her points out more evenly, and she’s more approachable, more relateable, by comparison--but she can’t outdo Runaan at his own skill set. 

Callum has a lot of points in Wanting To Mage, Loving Rayla, and Photographic Memory. He didn’t put many into Not Being Prejudiced at first, and it showed.

We don’t know much about Ethari other than what we saw in S3: he’s a skilled craftsman who can enchant things, he’s good with animals, and he loves his family so much he was slowly dying without them. I’d guess that Ethari’s points are in Empathy, Need Fulfillment, Magical Armaments, and Soft Kisses.

His motto seems to be “Take what you need from me, I love you and I give it freely.” Ethari is life and light. He is the Moon part of being Moonshadow (and Runaan is the Shadow, obviously). The only darkness in Ethari is that he needs others in his life. He can’t be solitary. Poor elf was talking to Runaan inside his head, even though he believes he’s dead. He can’t be alone. He isn’t really living unless he’s got someone to care for and help. That’s one of the reasons Runaan made sure Rayla survived the castle attack--he knew that Ethari would need Rayla. Not just to know that she survived, but to take care of and love. 

What I’m saying is, there are other ways to be a Moonshadow than being strong in Moon magic or having a powerful arcanum. Ethari is possibly the best Moonshadow we’ve met. He gives me hope for the rest of them, that they can find a way to embrace peace without giving up who they are--just, maybe, how stabbily they express it. 

[visceralcoma]

COCK AGE: THE MEASURING

Some friends of mine were asking how big certain characters were as I’ve seen my fair share of dicks. Big, small, long, thin, bendy, straight, floppy, stumpy, girthy, micro and oversized, and all soft and hard.  I’ve seen a lot of dicks.

So I give you my personal headcanons of the range of length for each character. I based it on their country of origin in comparison to the real world counterparts’ average dick size. I also took into consideration certain habits and behaviors that stereotypically indicate either a smaller or a bigger package.  

Disclaimers:  These are what I extrapolated based on my OWN experiences. Not canon. These guesses are purely my own fanon. 

COCK AGE: ORIGIN OF THE WEEN

Unfortunately I cannot even remotely guess any of the measurements for Alistair, Sten, or Oghren as they used default models DAO with no special outfits per character.  I even investigated King Alistair in Inquisition, but unfortunately, crotch flap prevented me from looking too closely.

ZEVRAN: 6 to 7 inches / 13-17 cm

Reasoning: This is based on my experience with men who were above average, knew it, and were kind enough to offer massages to help relax certain muscles. But that is personal preference.  And given Zevran grew up in a brothel...

Plus: average Penis length for Spanish men is 5.5 inches/13.97 cm.  And for Italian men it’s  6.2 inches/15.748 cm.  

Lay Review: 9.5/10 would recommend. Really great at sex, he was raised in a brothel of course he will be! But also really great at foreplay.  Just be careful as he was hired to kill you. (Unless you’re kinky and like that, then 10/10!)

COCK AGE: TWICE AS THICK

ANDERS: 5.5 - ? inches / 13.97 - ? cm

Reasoning: He wears a freaking Mage robe half the time. He’s known for his electricity fingers from the Pearl in Denerim, which means he knows his way in the bedroom better than most of us.  You can basically say he has any size you want and it works.

Lay Review: 9/10 Would recommend - Sorry you can incorporate SEX MAGIC into foreplay? Uhh yes please!  But be careful of his nosey asshole roommate who likes to pop in unannounced.

CARVER: No.  Okay by popular demand here is Carver’s dick size. -sighs-

5.5 to 9 inches / 13.97-22.86 cm

Reasoning: The average penis length for people in the UK is 5.5 inches. And I personally headcanon, that much like being bigger than Hawke, I think Carver is bigger in other areas as well. It’s why he gets to be so cocky and such a shit to Hawke because he knows he has at least something over his brother. 

Lay Review:  10/10 Listen, the man had a favorite whore in the Blooming Rose that even Isabela knew it and could catch him.  And he flirts easily with Isabela. He’s cocky but he’s not insufferable about it. 

SEBASTIAN:  6 - 6.5 inches / 15.24 - 16.51 cm

Reasoning: The average penis length for people in the UK is 5.5 inches, but the UK did their own review and said with “stretching” it was closer to 6 and up. I say that’s cheating, but whatever, we’ll give it to them. They do say that the Scotsmen are bigger than average - with stretching. 

Given Sebastian spent his youth chasing after the skirts of all the noble ladies, and many of them gossiped that he might take interest in them, I’m willing to bet he has above average length but also knows how to bloody well use it.

Lay Review:  5/10 would recommend, because you’re going to catch SOMETHING from this manwhore but you’ll have a damn good time of it. If you can pull him away to break his vows of celibacy that is.

FENRIS: 5 - 6 inches 

Reasoning: He’s from Tevinter, and which has some inspirations from Central and Western Asian influences with Roman cultures.  But he is also an elf and was a slave that was likely well fed as he was the “favorite.”  His armor is fairly form fitting so he’s not overly big as to be noticeable. Heck, he probably has a crotch armor for protection, but nothing too constricting as he needs to move.  

Lay Review: 1/10 - Would not recommend because you’re sleeping with someone who is starting to remember and has not yet recovered from being a sexual abuse victim to the point even touch triggers painful memories. (0/10 if you’re a male mage, because that would likely be triggering for Fenris as a Male Mage was his abuser)

COCK AGE: INQUISIT ME

VARRIC: 4 - 4.5 inches / 10.16 - 11.43 cm

Reasoning: Look he’s a dwarf. They are smaller, but they are also denser and thicker. So Varric’s got a big girthy thick cock even if it is under average

Lay Review: 7/10 would recommend, you’re gonna feel some pain having to stretch for him, but what he can’t reach for in length, he can make up for with his wicked tongue.  Don’t under estimate a good “bed” time story. He may also accidentally call out Bianca’s name. 

SOLAS: 4.5 - 5.5 inches / 11.43 - 13.97 cm

Reasoning: Hobo Apostate Solas, his crotch area is baggy, much like Cullen’s.  Almost lumpy in some areas but usually smooth.  No excessive bulge anywhere or any sort of presenting.  However in Trespasser, his bulge is front and center, like it’s on display.  A nice packaged bulb right there. And I know what you’re think, BIG DICK-  saaadly no.  The men who have the neat bulge like that have basically fluffed themselves up to appear like they are packing some sweet long heat. Also, the Greek standard of beauty for cocks was with smaller lengths. And given Solas’s vanity, seriously look at him in Trespasser, I think he PRIDES himself on being quite gorgeous. 

Lay Review:  10/10 actually, even though I can’t stand him.  But all the fun in the fade, no actual touching in the physical world. He’s the safest one to have sex with, No STDs.  CAN’T GET PREGNANT IN THE FADE.  For women, we basically get to experience the female equivalent of the male wet dream. In the Fade, his dick can be any size - heck it could be vibrating (or a wolf dick that knots for all you furries).  He’s really wise so he knows ALL the tricks. Seriously, he’s probably the reverse of the Demolition Man. 

BLACKWALL: 4 - 7 inches / 10.16-17.78 cm 

Reasoning:  Average Penis size for UK men is 5.5 inches/13.97 cm 

Blackwall boosts that his sword is not compensation, but a counterweight.  Guys that usually brag, don’t have the equipment they boast.  (Sorry Bae!)  But if he DOES have a big dick, then that is his one trick pony.  He has the equipment but is shite at using it and probably jams it in with no foreplay.  Which given his romance scene....

In that case, Blackwall really needs to listen to Sera’s advice.Just the fact Sera even felt PROMPTED to give him advice, says something.  All the other sex talks he’s fine but it’s THIS one he felt uncomfortable: 

Sera: I'll show you. I just need a peach. A ripe one, because if you do it right? Ripe! Down there. 

Blackwall: Please, no peaches, ripe or otherwise. 

Sera: Well I can't teach you bananas! That would be like showing you swords! Oh! Remember, do not use it like a sword. 

Blackwall: How do I make this stop?

Lay Review:  6/10 Would recommend only if you don’t mind digging hay out of your asscrack. Or taking the time to teach him how to fuck.

DORIAN:  5 to 8 inches / 16.51-20.32 cm

Reasoning: Average Penis size for Pakistani men is 6 inches. 

The scene where Dorian approaches you in the chambers, if you look, he has a noticeable gap between his thighs, almost like he’s intentionally making sure nothing erm... rubs. And Dorian is no skinny mage, he’s well muscled and thick enough for his thighs to press together. Therefore, he’s tucked.  However a man can tuck and still walk fairly comfortably.  It’s only when they are a little bigger do they have to make adjustments. 

Lay Review:  7.5/10 would recommend (if I was masculine presenting).  Dorian likes to be served (Inquisit me) by you, but damn if his orgasms aren’t fantastic. Make sure to have a water spell on hand, or... take down the curtains before hand ;) you exhibitionist you. 

THE IRON BULL: 8.5 to 10 inches / 21.59 - 25.4 cm

Reasoning: Bull sounds overly cocky but NOT in his dick size, rather in foreplay. In my experience in alternative lifestyles, these men are amazing. They knew how to use what they had - and usually it wasn’t much. Barely average or even under. Now, you’ll note the size is still above average. Some of you might even be going ow!  But that range I gave is average, maybe even UNDER average, for qunari.  Add to the fact the size of Bull’s “black box” was appropriately sized for a big dick for HUMANS. Yeah... The Iron Bull is definitely average for Qunari. But he knows how to work it. 

Lay Review: 8/10 Would recommend. I mean... who turns down to ride the bull?  You WILL be sore, because... OW.  But eh, for the experience right? Plus all us alternate lifestyle folks would get along REAL well with him.

CULLEN: 6.5 to 7 inches / 16.51-17.78 cm

Reasoning: Average Penis size for men from the Netherlands is 6.248 inches.

Cullen’s crotch appears quite um... lumpy, if you can view him without the flap.  It’s not tight, but definitely snug and to the side a bit. He could be wearing some protective covering under that or nothing at all.  But it’s clearly that he’s got some huge schlong there.

Lay Review: 9/10 would recommend. He’s packing, is shy in public, but once behind doors... the man can pin you to his OWN desk and rail you and then carry you UP A LADDER?  Shit... sign me the fuck up. I mean you’re gonna be sore and worn out having used muscles you hadn’t thought you even had, but fuck what a lay right? Lets just hope he offers to massage your lower back.  Desks do not make for comfy surfaces to rut on top of.  Especially wobbly ones (thanks Sera).  

[queenofcats17]

Time for fluff~ Jane does murals of the workers and all the toons on the side walls outside the studio, with spray paint (really good), and another time takes the toons out for stargazing at the park with her friends (A crazed bunny named Destiny, an elf named Elena, and squirrel sisters- Cloudflake, a snobby, confident one and Snowball, a smart by shy one) a reveals that she a human/toon, showing them her ears, tail, and hammerspace. Then they dance to "Space is Cool" (Markiplier Remix)

I, again, apologize for any wrong depictions of your characters.

After the whole debacle with the truth or dare thing, things had been a bit…tense. No one was really happy. So Jane had decided she’d paint some murals outside the studio. She’d bought some cans of spray paint and waited until everyone was inside before getting started. It was supposed to be a surprise after all. It didn’t take long to get it banged out. She worked quickly after all. Once she was finished, she went inside to get everyone.

“Hey.” She knocked on Joey’s door. “I’ve got something to show you.” Joey tensed at her presence, remembering what had happened the last time.

“Don’t look so scared.” She said, giving him a little smile. “I’m not going to hurt you. Just come on.”

“Forgive me if I don’t trust you,” Joey muttered, getting up. Jane’s expression soured, and she casually gave him the finger.

“Just follow me. And bring everyone else too.” Then she disappeared outside. Joey gathered the employees of the studio and went outside, still rather wary about what Jane had planned.

“You’re not going to get hurt,” Henry assured him. “You didn’t do anything this time.” However, Joey remained sceptical. Until, that is, he saw the murals. His eyes widened and he gasped.

“Like it?” Jane asked, leaning up against the wall under the murals.

“This is…This amazing!” Joey’s face lit up. “I had no idea you had such amazing artistic talent! Where did you learn to draw like this?”

“Practice.” Jane shrugged. “Lots of practice. Anyway, I’m glad you like it.”

“My nose looks weird.” Wally suddenly piped up.

“Well, your nose is weird.” Sammy shrugged.

“It is not!”

“Boys, settle down,” Susie said. “Let’s just appreciate the nice murals that Jane made for us.”

“I didn’t even do anything,” Sammy said although he quieted down as well. Bendy was ecstatic to see his image on the wall and kept jumping and pointing.

“It is pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Alice laughed softly. “She did a good job.” Jane just hummed happily to herself. Her work was done.

.

Although, that wasn’t the end of Jane’s plans. The next week, she took the toons out stargazing.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Joey said when it was first proposed to him. “We haven’t quite integrated them into society yet, and it might cause a big fuss if they go out.”

“It’ll be at night,” Jane said. “No one will see them. Come on! You owe me!”

“Pleeeaaaase?” Bendy put on his best puppy eyes. He’d never gone stargazing before and he wanted so badly to see what it was about. Alice had expressed the same concerns as Joey, although she was also interested in seeing the stars. Boris was just very anxious. He didn’t want to be in the middle of another fight between Joey and Jane. Joey gritted his teeth at the mention of owing her something.

“Fine.” He said. “But only for one night. And they have to be back before opening tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Joey.” Jane quickly turned to leave, but Joey interrupted her again.

“And no showing them to anyone else. I know it’s exciting to have living cartoons around, but no one else can know about them.” He said.

“Yeah yeah, whatever.”

“I mean it.”

“I’m not a little kid. I understand.” Jane said, then left with the toons. Bendy continued to be excited, while Alice and Boris were a little off-put by the disagreement they’d witnessed.

“Are you sure this okay?” Alice whispered as they got into Jane’s car. “Joey seemed pretty upset.”

“He needs to learn to relax sometimes.” Jane started up the car. “It’ll be fine. Besides, I have some things I want to show you guys.” This mention of a surprise definitely got the toons’ attention. They spent the entire drive out to the stargazing location wondering what the secret could possibly be. Once they got to the location, a little park, Jane parked the car and turned back to them.

“So….I’ve got something to show you.” She said.

“What is it?!” Bendy was practically vibrating in his seat. “Come on! Don’t keep us in suspense!” Jane took a deep breath and pulled off her hat, revealing two fluffy ears. A tail slipped out of the back of her pants as well.

“I’m half toon.” She said.

“Holy moley,” Bendy said.

“Can you do hammerspace?” Boris immediately asked, more out of curiosity than anything else. Jane grinned.

“Can I do hammerspace?” She scoffed before pulling out a dog treat from hammerspace. “Does this answer your question?”

“Wow.” Alice could only stare at her.

“Also…I kinda brought you here to meet my friends.” Jane smiled slightly sheepishly. That was when an excitable toon bunny tapped on the window of the car.

“Oh my God! You brought them!” The bunny squealed.

“Hi, Destiny!” Jane opened the door and embraced the bunny. Other toons began to appear from the darkened park. An elf, and two squirrels, one who looked a bit bookish and the other who had her nose in the air.

“So, this is Destiny.” Jane pointed to the bunny. “The elf is Elena, and the squirrels are Snowball and Cloudflake!”

“They’re smaller than I thought they’d be.” Cloudflake turned her nose up at the three tons. “And the wolf smells like dog treats.”

“It’s nice to meet you all.” Alice got out and curstied to everyone.

“All your friends are toons?” Bendy’s eyes lit up. “That’s so cool!”

“It’s nice to see other toons,” Boris admitted, getting out of the car. “I forgot what it was like to be among our kind.”

“It’s so cool meeting you guys!” Destiny bounced up and down. “We’ve seen all your shorts! You guys are awesome!”

“I really admire you guys,” Snowball said, blushing slightly.

Stargazing was a lot of fun for everyone involved. The environment was very lighthearted and fun. They all forgot about their problems for the night, focused only on watching the stars. All three Sillyvision toons were completely blown away by the stars. They’d never seen lights like that before. It was amazing. And they all danced to a song that was Jane’s favourite. It was like nothing the Sillyvision toons had ever heard before. They were all tuckered out when Jane drove them back that night.

“I told you I’d bring them back.” She said as she handed them over to Joey. “If it makes a difference, they had a lot of fun.”

“That’s…good to hear.” Joey said. “Thank you.” And with that, Jane left.

[dungeonmemester]

Why Diversity is Good for D&D, from a Mechanical Standpoint

How to Create and Handle Diversity among the Creatures of your Game

Part 2: How I’d Do It

(Part 1: What’s Been Done, and What Not to Do)

To start with, scrap all of this racist “subspecies” bologna. (Except those exceptional evolutionary outliers we talked about, like the drow). Humans are humans, dwarves are dwarves, orcs are orcs, et cetera. Now, let’s start adding some variety. I’m going to go with elves as my example, because they just happen to be what I’ve been doing the most research on recently in regards to mythology surrounding them (specifically pre-JRR Tolkien).

All elves are elves. But not all elves are the same. Like humans, they are diverse with different ethnicities, gender identities, orientations, etc. While they are diverse, all elves are still elves. As elves, there are certain traits that their species tends to have.

Typical D&D elves have a +2 racial ability modifier to their Dexterity (and a -2 to Constitution, pre-5e). Elves are frequently described as being graceful and beautiful, but thin and frail. In ancient mythology they’re often depicted as notoriously charming (or straight up beguiling seducers). But that’s not to say that every elf is a bendy contortionist, and not every elf is a smooth-talking minstrel. (And not every elf is a twig with the HP of a piece of glass.) These are just things that elves, as elves, are naturally inclined to be.

You’ll find that 5e is fairly close to the system I’m about to put forward, but misses the mark but a few things I might talk about in a future post.

I propose a system in which players actually get to pick out the racial special abilities of their character from a list of traits that their character’s species tend to have. This works in a sort of ability trade-off. It’s easier to explain if I just talk through an example, so let’s look at the elf again, and how I’d stat them:

Elves can have either a +2 to Dexterity, or a +2 to Charisma. They also can take either a -2 to Constitution, or a -2 to Strength. It’s up to the player to decide which ones they apply to their character, as long as the bonus and penalties add up back to zero. Thus, you could pick one +2 and one -2, or go all-out and take all four modifiers (+2 +2 -2 -2 = 0). You could even decide to take none of the modifiers at all, and just keep your base stats.

Going a step further (though I’m not sure if this will make it into Project TOF), you could create even more variety among a species by having their special abilities vary in a similar fashion. Again, I’ll explain by walking through the elf example:

Elves can have 3 of the following special abilities:

Proficiency with Longbows

+5′ base land speed

+2* to Perception

+2* to Persuasion

May cast the dancing lights cantrip (using Int as their casting stat)

*Or proficiency in this skill if we’re talking 5e. If you go this route, there should be certain special abilities in addition these that all members of that species have. Again, they are all still members of the same species, they still have the things that make an elf an elf, but we also want some variation.

All elves have low-light vision, live to be up to 700 years old, and do not need to sleep (instead going into a 4 hour trance).

That’s the basic idea of how I’d create mechanical diversity in a fantasy tabletop RPG. I’ll talk more about the benefits of using mechanics like this in Part 3.

[cupcakecoterie]

@true0neutral - Hazel, half-elf cleric

@fauxfire76 - Darvin, human bard/sorcerer

@miaaoi - Froseth, dragonborn monk

@hyperewok1 - Remi, human paladin/warlock

@lindira - Clarity, tiefling rogue/wizard

Marion - Ava, human ranger

Brian - Barnabus, minotaur fighter

Mostly shopping, but not exactly dull, people being ... well, people.

Remi and Alisaie’s day took place offscreen. It was fun.

Alisaie has become a sort of secondary bank for the party, having loaned Ava the equivalent of 30 gold for her personal shopping and Hazel the equivalent of 500 gold for a Raise Dead diamond. The first is just a basic loan but some party funds are going to have to be thrown in her direction at some point.

Froseth had little luck in finding an Immovable Rod. Anything particularly useful is probably going to have to wait until they get to Egref, just because of mercenaries stranded between contracts taking the opportunity to resupply. Then he spent most of the rest of the day getting his permanent Steel Wind Strike tattoo.

Clarity got fanart of the party’s bard ballads, then sequestered herself in the library writing up a contract.

Ava did somewhat awkward shopping and, at one point in the proceedings, turned up at Crestwind’s Bakery to approach Remi’s parents to say, “Help I need gift ideas!” (She did actually get some, so that’s okay.)

Ava and Darvin both ended up in the same jewellery shop as Remi and Alisaie had visited earlier in the day. The younger shopkeepers are still giggling and gossiping about the cute.

Darvin went to send an apology letter to Governor Kreia Bendis over in Al-Zorhai, and got pulled aside by the postmistress because he hadn’t thought that there might be terrorist potential in Explosive Runes. Eventually he got to send his letter because he proved a little too stupid for that kind of thing.

Darvin bought a living plush kitten for Clarity and a meditation mat for Froseth, and then realised he’d have to be carrying around a small squirming plush kitten and a good-sized rug for the rest of the day and went back to the Bravo’s Boast to drop stuff off. He nearly lost Sapphire, the little plush kitten, but Clarity came by to drop off some of her own purchases and managed to get her gift a little early.

Darvin also got Hazel a War Skillet.

Barnabus came out of Arcane Ink, bewildered at the very thought of having a tattoo but being happy enough with the effects, and then realised he had absolutely no idea what to get any of these people as holiday gifts, and that they were all going to gift him so he’d have to think of something. His one idea was kind of a bust, so he went to the Book, Bow, and Dragon for a drink and a think. Darvin found him there and they had some discussion about potential ideas.

Hazel immediately went to Sweetwater and Sisters to see if poor Edvar needed any help after the incident the day before. The place was a shambles as apparently Alli Sweetwater called out the Fuzzy Army in her defense when the guard showed up, and all Edvar wanted to do was just be left alone to clean before he bailed his adopted sister out of jail. Hazel left him alone.

Hazel is looking for stat-increase items - strength in particular. These are in short supply in Belarys at the moment because mercenaries. Hazel is going to look in Egref instead. Because Hazel apparently wants to be the fastest, strongest, and everything-est. (Hazel’s player is going to have to make a choice about Hazel’s focus at some point. *AHEM AHEM*)

Most of them gathered at the Book, Bow and Dragon but Hazel and Barnabus went to the library to drag Clarity out. Hazel bought a bag of sweets for Clarity as a lure.

Clarity came out with a book about the Feywild and a book about ‘dimensional stuff’ and Hazel immediately put it together what Clarity was planning to do. Hazel had a bit of a fit.

They had a long discussion over dinner about the nature of pacts with Archfey, the nature of Warlock pacts in general, whether Clarity wants to approach it with a demonic-style contract when that sort of thing isn’t exactly how Archfey engage, and ... well, not trying to discourage her from doing it at all because of the importance of what she’d be asking for, but giving her a different perspective on some of the requests to hopefully make it easier for her to deal with.

So next session: tea with the Crestwinds, trip to Egref, possible clubbing, more shopping, and then we get to actual plot.

[gokinjeespot]

off the rack #1304

Monday, March 9, 2020

 I want to thank my partner Chris for another successful Capital Comic Book Con at the Delta Hotel in downtown Ottawa yesterday. All of his hard work pricing and preparing our stock and setting up our booth paid off. I am glad that I get a day to recover as the old muscles are aching today. I saw many old friends and customers which made for a fun social event as well. There's a full moon out tonight so get out there and give a howl. Then come back inside and wash your hands.

 Daredevil #19 - Chip Zdarsky (writer) Marco Checchetto (art) Mattia Iacono (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). A gang of super villains paid by the Stromwyns is destroying Hell's Kitchen. Can Daredevil save his home? There's a lot of destruction and the citizens try to defend themselves but it doesn't look good. I like the wild card showing up. I wonder if they will help or hurt?

 Lois Lane #9 - Greg Rucka (writer) Mike Perkins (art) Andy Troy (colours) Simon Bowland (letters). Lois and Renee need to find the assassin Kiss of Death and they get some help from a friend. Batman's appearance was a hoot. This story has been great so far. You should also be watching Greg's TV show Stumptown. Cobie Smulders is killing it as Dex.

 Doctor Strange #6 - Mark Waid (writer) Kev Walker (art) Java Tartaglia & Antonio Fabela (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). Someone has stolen Stephen's magical artefacts and could be mass producing them for evil purposes. He has to team up with Doctor Druid to stop that from happening. This new story is spellbinding.

 Superman: Villains #1 - Brian Michael Bendis, Matt Fraction & Jody Houser (writers) Art, colours and letters done by a bullpen full of others. This $5.99 US one-shot is a muddled mess. It confused me right out of the gate when Superman visits his parents on the farm. Ma and Pa Kent are there. I thought Pa died. Then Superman tells Pa that some Batman tech is going to keep them safe like it does for the Batcave. That was four pages of WTF for me. So that segues into a scene with Lois, Clark, Perry and the new owner of the Daily Planet, Marisol Leone. We find out later that Ms. Leone is the head of some sort of Mafia. Then there's two pages of Lex Luthor and a laughing answering machine message that made me think it was the Joker calling to mock the bald baddie. I can go on and on, like why Bizarro? I hate Bizarro. Also, what is up with Supergirl? Is she still infected from Year of the Villain? All the different art styles didn't help either. This did not make me want to read more DC comics.

 Black Cat #10 - Jed MacKay (writer) Kris Anka (art) Brian Reber (colours) Ferran Delgado (letters). It's a fun-filled, action-packed team-up with Wolverine in Madripoor. How do you like them hyphens?

 Savage Avengers #11 - Gerry Duggan (writer) Butch Guice (art) Alex Guimaraes (colours) VC's Travis Lanham (letters). Doctor Strange's astral form observes the origin of the evil wizard Kulan Gath. It's this story that reveals the way to finally kill the sorcerer. But first, he and Elektra must find Conan. This was my favourite issue of the run so far.

 Conan: Battle for the Serpent Crown #2 - Saladin Ahmed (writer) Luke Ross (art) Nolan Woodard (colours) VC's Travis Lanham (letters). I love these outrageously improbable adventures. Conan chases the Black Cat to get a ring back. This issue takes place in Las Vegas so it's a good chance for the Scarlet Spider to make a guest appearance. Conan does retrieve the ring but how he does made me go "huh?". I really got a chuckle when I saw where Conan and Nyla are zapped to. I'm sure this will cross over with Savage Avengers at some point.

 Strange Academy #1 - Skottie Young (writer) Humberto Ramos (art) Edgar Delgado (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). I expected a fun debut from Skottie Young and he delivers. We meet a lot of kids and a lot of teachers in this new magical school of magic. This reminded me of Avengers Academy and I think I'll like this new crop of young magicians.

 Batman #90 - James Tynion IV (writer) Jorge Jimenez (art) Tomeu Morey (colours) Clayton Cowles (letters). Catwoman has a secret that will destroy Batman's love for her and this flashback story tells us what it is. It was disappointing that I guessed what it was before the big reveal on the last page. This new villain, the Designer is kind of interesting and I want to see if Mr. D succeeds in his goal.

 Miles Morales: Spider-Man #16 - Saladin Ahmed (writer) Cory Smith (pencils) Victor Olazaba (inks) David Curiel (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). There are two stories this issue. The first has Miles babysitting his little sister and you just know that things are going to get hairy. Then Uncle Aaron walks into a trap laid by his new boss Ultimatum. What happens next doesn't bode well for Miles. This is another book that I'm thinking of benching. My fondness for the character is waning but I do still like the art.

 Marauders #9 - Gerry Duggan (writer) Matteo Lolli (art) Edgar Delgado (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). This issue has Emma and Bishop dealing with the bad guys. It's really cool how Emma can mess with minds.

 Dryad #1 - Kurtis J. Wiebe (writer) Justin Osterling (art) Jim Campbell (letters). This new fantasy story is about Morgan and Yale and their two teenage offspring Griffon and Rana. There are big swords and monsters and a mysterious ancient race. The mixed race marriage reminded me of Saga. Morgan is an elf and Yale is human. The kids go exploring and open a door leading to a peck of trouble. The characters didn't grab me and this issue didn't spark enough interest in me to want to read the next issue. You might like this if you enjoy books like Rat Queens.

 Strange Adventures #1 - Tom King (writer) Mitch Gerads & Evan "Doc" Shaner (art) Clayton Cowles (letters). Adam Strange is back on the racks in this 12 issue maxi that has him being framed for murder. When Batman passes up the case he's got to go with another hero to clear his name. I really liked how Alanna was handled and that's why I will read the next issue.

 2020 Rescue #1 - Dana Schwartz (writer) Jacen Burrows (art) Scott Hanna (inks pages 17, 19, 20) Peter Pantazis (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). I know from reading Avengers that Tony is alive and well trapped in the past but Pepper Potts thinks he's dead. This story has Pepper trying to find a way to clone Tony using his biological parents' DNA. I picked this off the rack because of Jacen Burrows's art but the writing wasn't even half as good as the old Ironheart used to be so I won't be reading any more.

 Spider-Man Noir #1 - Margaret Stohl (writer) Juan Ferreyra (art) VC's Travis Lanham (letters). This is Peter Parker as Sam Spade, the Shadow and Spider-Man all rolled into one circa 1939. The web-shooters and 45s are jarring to me. Anyways, the art is suitably dark and gorgeous and the murder mystery will have Peter globe trotting to find the killer. If you like hard boiled crime this is the 5-issue mini for you.

 Doctor Doom #6 - Christopher Cantwell (writer) Salvador Larroca (art) Guru-eFX (colours) VC's Cory Petit (letters). This is like a Bing Crosby and Bob Hope "Road to Terlingua, Texas" movie starring Doctor Doom and Kang. Doom is trying to find a way to keep a black hole from destroying the earth and Kang is just tagging along for giggles. Doom does get what he's after, rids himself of the annoying Kang and figures out how to save the earth. Now he's heading back home with the device and I want to see how he uses it.

 Marvel #1 - this $4.99 US 6-issue mini is for all those Marvel Maniacs pining for stories from the days of yore. Alex Ross curates this anthology of new stories that read like reprints from the sixties. The two stories this issue are:

 "Spider-Man: Make My Day" by Sajan Saini (writer) Frank Espinosa (art) & VC's Clayton Cowles (letters) features a fight with Rhino and an argument with Mary Jane.

 "The Boy…and the Brute" by Kurt Busiek (writer) Steve Rude (art) Steven Legge (colours) & Steve Rude (letters) features Rick Jones, the Hulk and the Avengers.

 These are nice little vignettes and are interesting for the creators involved. They're fun to read and that's what comic books are all about.

 The Flash #750 - It's been a while since I've read a Flash comic so I thought I'd catch up by snagging this $7.99 US anniversary issue off the racks. There are 6 stories inside featuring a bunch of Flashes but mostly concentrating on Barry Allen. Jay the Golden Age Flash and Wally West are here too. There is also a lot of hopping around in time, dimensions and universes that left my head reeling. It looks like future issues of the Flash are going to speed through many divergent plots and I don't want to work that hard to keep track of everything. This issue did not make me want to return to the Flash fold.

[mummysspace]

Meet our PNP Do-Good Elf & Special Discount Code

The Elves are Back

We have had a very exciting start to the day with the return of our three elves Stardust, Snowflake and Oswald who have brought a special present for the kids, "Smelf" our Portable North Pole (PNP) Do-Good Elf. Apparently Santa and the elves had overheard us discussing elf names and Daddy saying he would name his "Smelf" as in Smelly Elf (ooops!) and they found it hilarious so brought us a baby Smelf.

Christmas Magic with Portable North Pole

We are massive fans of Portable North Pole and the videos and calls have definitely added lots of Christmas magic over the past few years which is why I am so excited about reviewing our new Elf addition. According to the box, Santa has sent us a baby elf which we are responsible for teaching the difference between naughty and nice to so that one day he will grow up to be a valuable part of Santa's team. Thankfully Santa and his elves will be keeping a close eye on us and helping us by sending video messages.

Our Do-Good Elf also comes with his very own passport from Santa's Village and special Elf stickers which is a really nice touch, I love the fact you can properly personalise him so that he truly does become one of the family. My three can't wait to start filling in the passport, on the first page you add a picture of your elf, his name, date of birth and favourite colour and there are also other pages to record Elf Adventures. This is a really fun way to add extra Christmas excitement to the build up.

My first impression of our Do-Good Elf is just how well he is made and the extremely high quality of the materials used in doing so. I love the fact that his limbs are bendy and fully posable, his cheeky grin adds to his personality and Zachary was delighted to see he has big green eyes as it is his favourite colour. His clothes are fully removable and washable too which is good news if he needs a freshen up after any adventures or outings. We are hoping it snows so he can get outside and make snow angels with us. I have a feeling Smelf will be a very important part of our Christmas build up this year.

The Do-Good Elf comes with a special code for grown-ups eyes only which you enter into the PNP app or online and then unlock 4 video messages. I can't wait to show these to the kids and will be sharing them along with some of the other PNP videos and calls in the run up to Christmas so watch out for them.

Where to Buy

The Do-Good Elf (RRP £20) and other Portable North Pole toys and products are available to buy from John Lewis, the range has something for every taste and budget with Magic Baubles, Santa Letter Kit, Good Deed Jar and more. 

Special Magic Pass Discount - Unlock Videos and Calls

If you would like to add some extra magic and excitement to the build up to the big day with PNP video messages and calls then I have some good news for you. I have been given a special discount code which gives you 20% off the Magic Pass that gives you access to videos and calls that can be personalised, just use the discount code PNP7BLG20. To redeem the promo code, follow this link to create an account and then at the payment cart apply the code to get the discount. The video messages are definitely magical and I have found the calls fantastic to encourage good behaviour in the kids especially if they are in risk of getting put on the naughty list. Here's a look at some of the Video Messages available.

Below you will find some of the calls you can personalise, "Try Harder to Listen to your Parents" will no doubt be used a few times in the run up to Christmas as it was last year with much success.

So there you have it, watch out for more posts on PNP videos and calls here over the next few days. I can't wait to see Ben, Zoey and Zachary's reaction to them. In the meantime go and have fun making some of your own special magical memories with the help of PNP for your little ones. *Disclaimer: I received a Do-Good Elf and PNP Magic pass. All views and opinions are my own and unbiased. 

from Mummy's Space http://ift.tt/2AmLwlx

[cupcakecoterie]

Cupcake Coterie vs Consequences

@true0neutral - Hazel, half-elf cleric

@fauxfire76 - Darvin, human bard

@hyperewok1 - Remi, human paladin

@sfwarlock - Nai, elven warlock

@miaaoi as Froseth, dragonborn monk

Marion - Ava, human ranger

It’s going to be a weird recording of the session because OBS decided to fuck me up today, but that’s what you get when having to reinstall everything. Oh well, it’s the sound that counts. And the write-up.

We had @hyperewok1 only turning up at the halfway mark because of previous commitments, but it worked out because Remi was largely brooding and quiet and trying to give Alisaie space but doing it way too well. Ava, meanwhile, realised that the red dragon Alisaie killed, and was killed by, was ... wrong. It turned out that the dragon was actually a young red dragon - made the size of an ancient dragon without the additional durability, grace and literal fire power that would make an ancient red so dangerous. Alisaie, always a bastion of common sense despite exhaustion, explained that the reason that her trip was so expensive was that she was on a fast ship that took a roundabout route to keep one of the oasis settlements of Alama-Ver in walking distance at all times, just to make sure that if they did crash, they wouldn’t be stranded in the desert. So, after stripping the dragon of a significant amount of hide (some of it destined to be good fire-resistant leather armour for Ava), several of the dragon’s teeth, and the gland in its throat that allowed it to breathe fire (which she did to sell because all of her gear had been on the airship and the crew would probably sell her stuff, never assuming she’d have survived an encounter with a red dragon), they headed for the nearest settlement of the Agwe people of Alama-Ver. At which point life got complicated. Darvin, in usual fashion, managed to insult the elders of the settlement by sounding like he was turning away their hospitality, and also managed to get them very interested in Alisaie because of the whole “they have red dragon bits to trade and the lady who killed it is asleep but will probably need to have dinner at some point so might join your big evening meal etc” thing.

Since Alisaie and Hazel were too exhausted to do anything but nap, and Remi was going to stand guard (and brood), and Nai decided that he didn’t want to ‘open mouth, insert foot’ the way he normally did, they left Darvin, Froseth and Ava to do the necessary trading. They learned that the Agwe have some significantly advanced leatherworking techniques that make their leather stronger, more supple and quicker to tan than anything else on the continent, so Ava would have her armour in a hurry. For the bits Alisaie scavenged from the corpse, she got 50 platinum and the entire group got run of the market ‘within reason’ (her haul was worth way more than 500 gold but they didn’t have that kind of cash on hand in the settlement for obvious reasons).

By then, @hyperewok1 was back, so after the break, we dealt with what Hazel, Nai and Remi were getting up to. Nai eventually came out of the tent to sort of ... be there and maybe talk to Remi but eventually not so much. Remi eventually squeezed his shoulder and thanked him for what he did for Alisaie. At which point, Remi noticed a light in the tent and went in to determine its source. What she (and Nai, who followed her) found was a very tall man in robes with huge white-feathered wings, who was looking in on Alisaie. He then turned, told them to wake Hazel and bring her out so they could talk. Remi woke Hazel with a hand clapped over Hazel’s mouth, which was a good call because Hazel took one look at the visitation from one of Pelor’s Celestial servants and freaked right the fuck out. The being left and let Remi calm Hazel down ... a little ... and they all went out to have the conversation without disturbing the sleeping Alisaie.

Remi got tight-lipped about exactly why she stepped in to plead for Alisaie’s life to be returned to her, but everyone more or less got the point. Hazel, after she was prevented from effectively doing the “I am not worthy” bowing thing, was told that if she ever tried to channel more power than her training allowed again, it would kill her. Nai was informed that mastery was a function of memory, and while he could learn where his home was and go back there some day, he can never have a return of his first-hand memories of his training, or the home he knew when that training happened, ever again - the fragmented memories he has of his home now are all he will ever have, at least first-hand. He may unearth a couple of more, but that’s it. Remi, meanwhile, was informed that this being owed her a debt as much as she owed Pelor one, and that they were in a position to help each other pay said debts, and that what she felt after the bargain was struck needed to be investigated.

Why did this being, who they later identified as a Solar, owe Remi? Because the Solar in question was the one who provided the celestial spark that let Alisaie be born aasimar to a family of humans. As Hazel put it, the Solar was, in a way, Alisaie’s father.

In any case, Nai had a very quiet breakdown, Hazel had a complete religious flip-out, and Remi tried to calm them both down ... but the noise attracted the attention of both the group at market and Alisaie, who had a bit of a talk with Remi about the distance and the brooding and “Are we actually doing an L-word thing?” - answer apparently being ‘yes’ to that last - before letting her go and explain in a sensible way what had happened. Honestly, Alisaie really doesn’t want to know until she’s less exhausted and can deal with it appropriately.

Once Darvin, Froseth and Ava were apprised of the situation as much as they could be given the various stages of freaking out that were going on, they had another complication - this time, the arrival of Kreia Bendis, who had heard of the dragon in her territory and came to check it out. Darvin ran into the tent to get away from her potential wrath, which woke Alisaie because he did just dive into the tent and hide under the covers on one of the beds (MAGICAL TENT), and she went out and basically told the ancient bronze dragon governor of Alama-Ver, “I killed it, and also fuck you, I don’t want to be a Brass Arrow because you were a bitch about it, so understand that you lost out on a great hunter because of your bullshit and also, eat me”. Then she turned her back on the glaive-wielding ancient bronze dragon and walked back into the tent - she was waaaaaay too tired to give a shit, which Kreia actually respected. So Kreia handed Remi the 100 platinum she had intended to share among the group that killed the invading dragon, telling her to give it to Alisaie, and also said she’d put in a word with both Bahir Zet in Zlato-Aur and Vieve Alled in Eun-Bac so Alisaie has all the options in the world now (and enough money that she doesn’t have to do shit if she doesn’t want to), and then said it was probably just as well that Alisaie didn’t want to stick around because “there’s only enough room for one alpha-bitch in this province”. Darvin was gobsmacked, and everyone else was impressed as hell - Froseth enough to repeat the line about the alpha-bitches and the disposition thereof.

The rest of the session was largely Alisaie dancing the story of her killing of the red dragon for the Agwe settlement folk and her adventurer friends, and getting rather drunk ... but before Hazel got herself blitzed to fuck on tequila, she asked Ava a little bit about why she was looking for Constance Langerhan, and why she’d been asking about a blonde with a burn scar on her face. Ava told Hazel about her family - including her half-sister, who was apparently got on her mother by King Jain Nerrand III and raised with said asshat king ... so Ava’s sister is half-dragon, and was at least partly responsible for the razing of House Vanedar. Which will, of course, need to be dealt with at some point but not when people are exhausted, too drunk to move, and freaking out over religious experiences and the accidental giving away of some significant shit.

Also, Alisaie calls Remi ‘Ree’ now. Because she’s not good at mushy words but cute nicknames are a start.

[cupcakecoterie]

Cupcake Coterie vs Baronsvere Nobles in Exile

@true0neutral - Hazel, half-elf cleric

@fauxfire76 - Darvin, human bard

@hyperewok1 - Remi, human paladin

@sfwarlock - Nai, elven warlock

Marion - Ava, human ranger

(We were missing @miaaoi as Froseth, dragonborn monk, as he wasn’t feeling well)

The Cupcake Coterie, recovering from their appointment with the governors of Equitas and Darvin’s subsequent bunny-cursing over a late lunch, started their tenure as Brass Arrows by going to one of the taverns in the Brass Arrows’ district, colloquially known as The Quiver, to see if they could find themselves a contract to go out and hunt the two-headed snake they need to hunt for its venom. They were guided to The Bull’s Eye, which was apparently a favourite and tended to have a job board devoted to the more reptilian of the things available to hunt.

The first thing they found, though, was a familiar face for Darvin - a face that recognised him as Lord Reginald Tailor-Green. This was Lady Aval’aen Vanedar, late of the barony of Cedargrove, over in Baronsvere. Her story, or at least part of it, came out at that point - three years or so ago, the Vanedar family manor was burned to the ground, killing the entire Vanedar family ... except for Aval’aen, it seems. Everyone thought it was an accident, but Ava, as she now calls herself, knows the truth of it - that it was deliberate, and apparently part of a coup. There’s more to it. They haven’t got to that part yet. In any case, it means that Ava really wants to deal with the black dragon that’s currently ruling Baronsvere (and how she knows for sure about King Dragon Asshat III is another thing that will come up one of these days), and upon confirming that the Cupcake Coterie has a similar mission, she accepted their offer to accompany them at least as far as their amphisbaena hunt.

Most of the session was spent explaining the situation and how they found themselves in it - all the bits and pieces everyone knows. I largely NPC’d Froseth telling them all this, mind you, partly because Froseth would probably be better at bare-bones explanations but mostly because I remember this shit better than all the other players combined. Ava was a little nonplussed by all of it, but seems to be coping well enough so far.

Froseth also had the common sense to go back to the Nest and explain to Kreia Bendis, and thus the rest of the governors, that their actions in the temple to Tiamat seemed to have woken something up. I’ll email @miaaoi about that later. In any case, while he was there, he also asked if he had permission to tell Ava about the Five Claws of Bahamut and the true nature of the governors of Equitas, because she’s part of the party proper now and might end up meeting one or more of them and it seemed polite. He did at least get permission for that, so Ava’s up to speed on the governorship of Equitas.

Honestly, this was more of an introductory and bonding session, along with the passing along of a few things that the players sort of forgot about - Alisaie passed her thieves’ tools to Darvin, since he did earn the proficiency and now gets to use it - and left her waterskin of holding for their use. Kreia Bendis also sent along the present the Five Claws commissioned for Skylar - a set of magical scale mail and a surcoat bearing the sigil of Bahamut that was apparently enchanted enough to always fit her. They ended the session with Hazel spending a last night with Kezia, Darvin spending last night with Marta, and everyone settling down at the Tipsy Pixie for the night in preparation of a three-day hike out to the Alama-Ver wastes to hunt amphisbaena and gelatinous cube ... and probably get jumped by something incredibly unfriendly on the way, but hey.

[cupcakecoterie]

Cupcake Coterie vs Endangering Allies

@true0neutral - Hazel, half-elf cleric

@fauxfire76 - Darvin, human bard

@miaaoi - Froseth, dragonborn monk

@hyperewok1 - Remi, human paladin

@sfwarlock - Nai, elven warlock

The Cupcake Coterie - and their new friend Alisaie the aasimar barbarian - entered a temple near Al-Zorhai that was largely being used as practice for passing junior archaeologists, largely to clear an umber hulk out of it but also to teach Darvin how to identify and disarm traps, and incidentally find and retrieve a pendant that one of Nai’s patrons really wanted. They did really well in the initial temple, although finding out that the whole place was an old temple to Tiamat was a bit of a problem more or less right at the outset - though it made sense when they recalled Alisaie’s story about how Equitas was once ruled by an elder black dragon who was then taken down by the Five Claws of Bahamut, after which the new governors settled in to rule and protect the country properly. Just, when Tiamat wants you personally dead, stomping into her old turf seems unreasonably problematic.

The ground level was basically clear, and Alisaie taught Darvin how to identify and disarm some basic traps (so now he has proficiency with Thieves’ Tools but he still needs to actually buy some) and they found a few ... things. An altar to Tiamat, to which they apparently chained sacrificial offering to some dragon or other whose remains they found in a room at the back, was the main one. But they also found two entrances to underground areas - one that had been used a fair bit, one that hadn’t and had in fact been hidden by an illusion until Nai with his Eldritch Sight came along. After some discussion, they went down the hidden staircase because they figured that the pendant Nai was after had to be down there, since everyplace junior archaeologists had been must be picked clean.

The room they found was a massive cavern, with a similar but far more primitive altar set-up to Tiamat and a lot of old blood on the floor. They also found some very large bones, which Remi identified as undead, despite them not moving. On the assumption that this undead thing would rise and try to kill them when they took the pendant, which they found in an antechamber at the far end of the cavern, they actually hatched a plan, positioning themselves around the bones so that they’d have it trapped between them and the wall when it rose. And, as they suspected, the Mummified Behemoth rose as soon as Nai grabbed the pendant, and combat began.

...Combat ... did not take very long. When you have several people dealing radiant damage on something that’s weak to radiant, even the fact that it regenerates health 10 points per round doesn’t help much. Or, like, at all. Alisaie did it the most actual damage, with close to 80 in one round - but of course, she was all Protector aasimar glowy at that stage, and rolled one critical success. She was also the only one who took damage, as the thing’s first scythe attack came just short of Remi’s AC but cleaved pretty hard into the less-armoured Alisaie. However, in the end, it was Remi who got the killing blow (given her Oath and her god, probably makes a lot of sense), and sheared through its kneecap to topple it before cleaving its skull in two.

It only lasted one round. It was challenge rating 8 and it only lasted one round. Honestly, this whole thing just demonstrates how broken aasimar are in this particular campaign.

Of course, Tiamat had been talking to Froseth a little bit while they were searching the room for the pendant, and so had clearly been watching the whole thing (it seems that the Five Claws of Bahamut protect their cities from remote viewing, but a temple to the goddess Herself is fair game for that kind of spying) ... particularly when she went growly draconic pissed in Froseth’s ‘third ear’, for lack of a better term, and vowed vengeance on all present and anyone associated with them. So that left them having to explain that Alisaie was now on the shit list of the Dragon Queen. This was a bit of an issue for her, because it’s hard to get involved with a hunting party when that entire party might end up dead at Tiamat’s hands just for being associated with her or even just in the wrong place (read: near her) at the wrong time. So they went outside the temple so she could process that and the rest of the party could figure out how to help.

Eventually, when it was clear that she wasn’t really up for becoming a regular party member, they decided on presenting her to Governor Kreia Bendis and the Five Claws of Bahamut, explaining the situation and seeing if there was anything they could offer as potential protection. It was all they had, and honestly, Darvin in particular was very keen to ensure that Bendis as the founder of the Brass Arrows knew that Alisaie had basically sprouted wings, literally risen up righteous, and proceeded to smash a fifteen-foot-high undead behemoth’s face in with a giant fuck-off axe. They also decided to spend the afternoon resting and learning anything else Alisaie might have to teach them and save the umber hulk hunt for the next day, at least in part because Nai’s Queen didn’t think them taking that pendant into the temple again was a good idea and said she’d arrange to collect the pendant that night. We wrapped there, with Alisaie teaching Hazel a few tricks with spear and shield, including how to hunt burrowing snake with them, and dinner was roast snake-kabob.

[cupcakecoterie]

Cupcake Coterie vs Al-Zorhai

CAST

@true0neutral - Hazel, half-elf cleric

@fauxfire76 - Darvin, human bard

@miaaoi - Froseth, dragonborn monk

@hyperewok1 - Remi, human paladin

@sfwarlock - Nai, elven warlock

The Cupcake Coterie spent most of the session in transit, one way or another. Hazel, and to a lesser extent Nai, were panicking about being as high up as they were; Darvin was leery at first but got used to it. They spent the best part of three days aboard the airship, mostly hanging out in the tiny galley while they decided how to handle their attempt to join the Brass Arrows, the monster-bounty hunting group established by Kreia Bendis - ancient brass dragon and governor of Alama-Ver. They were heading in that direction mostly because they knew that there were amphisbaenas in Alama-Ver, and they need amphisbaena poison for the forging of their dragonslayer weapon. Thus they were heading for Al-Zorhai, Alama-Ver’s capital, to try to join the Brass Arrows themselves; to earn the right to fight for the poison they need. (Besides, there are a lot of tombs in this area, one of which they might remember at some point that Estan advised them to look into.)

The trip itself didn’t actually net much beyond freaking out, but Darvin actually spent time on deck looking out at the kind of scenery he was probably never going to see again - the cliffs separating Baronsvere from Equitas, the rolling fields and sandy wastes, the sunsets .. and, on the last day of their travels, a section of cliff face that apparently corresponded to the Baronsvere barony of Blackcrown (home of King Dragon Asshat III) was covered by what the crew insisted was a perpetual rainstorm. One of the crew - a red-haired gnome in her late teens, name of Emmie - insisted that it was because of a dragon, because ‘dragons like cruddy weather’. Turns out that Emmie’s a cousin at maybe one or two removes of Mera Deadeye, which makes Evan probably a third cousin twice removed or similar. Apparently Emmie and Mera both ran away from home because Emmie’s father (Mera’s uncle) was a kiddie-fiddling arsehole. Which rather unfortunately explains the circumstances of Evan’s birth. Not sure what impressed Darvin more - that Mera managed as well as she did, or that Mera refused to blame her kid for his origins. Either way, they got advice on a place to stay - an inn called the Tipsy Pixie - and she even guided them there when they arrived too late to speak to the governor.

The Tipsy Pixie was ... grander than most of them were used to. Largely catering to philosophers and poets, they didn’t serve much in the way of beer, and the cooking staff were pedants and Darvin put his foot in it a lot, but nice place with good food and a very good cellar. There was also offers of ‘companionship’ along with the rooms, and after a truly hysterical sequence of events which really does need to be seen (I’ll have the vid up as soon as I can, I swear), Hazel ended up with her first experience with sex being a truly gorgeous woman named Kezia who actually volunteered to work on her night off for the opportunity to spend the night with Hazel (and discounted heavily, though couldn’t countenance the hit her reputation would take if she did a freebie). As well as an ... *ahem* ‘education’, Kezia also taught Hazel how to keep her hair manageable in hot dry weather. Hazel’s hair does not do well in that weather.

(Nai did not endear himself to the gorgeous woman in the ‘rumour of silk’ dress because he actually WANTED the little beer they had - which she described as ‘smelling like a granary had been rained on and left to sit for a month’. He did get his drinks free, mind you - only because no one else wanted the horrible swill.)

In any case, after breakfast, and some quiet smirking at Hazel (and an attempt at subtle thumbs-up) from Remi, they headed out to the Nest, Al-Zorhai’s gubernatorial building. Apparently they were expected, largely because of the Dragon / Dragonborn gossip network. Torinn told Governor Fortinbras, who told Governor Bendis, and so she was expecting the Cupcake Coterie when they arrived, settling them in her throne room and expecting (as brass dragons tend to do) much in the way of conversation before they get down to business.

We, of course, didn’t have time for that conversation, because the session was winding down, but ... no, this is another one of those ones that has to be seen.

[gokinjeespot]

off the rack #1260

Monday, May 6, 2019

 I don't tweet or instagram but I am on facebook. I joined a facebook group 613fishing where fellow fisher folks post stuff. Fishing season in zone 20 on the Saint Lawrence river opened on Saturday and the pictures of peoples' successes got me excited for zone 18, where my lake is, to be open this coming Saturday. I can hardly wait.

 Domino: Hotshots #1 - Gail Simone (writer) David Baldeon & Michael Shelfer (art) Jim Charalampidis (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). Cold War part 3. Just when you think the team can't win against some giant robots a surprise twist helps out. The search for the Creation Constellation continues.

 Savage Avengers #1 - Gerry Duggan (writer) Mike Deodato Jr. (art) Frank Martin (colours) VC's Travis Lanham (letters). Now that the dearly departed light-hearted West Coast Avengers is gone off the racks I have room for a new Avengers book. So the rumour that Conan the barbarian was going to be in the Marvel U are true. His appearance in Avengers: No Road Home was a surprise and it leads to this story where Conan in stuck in the Savage Land. Makes sense, doesn't it? We meet 5 of the six members in this debut and with the Hand as villains the sixth member should show up soon. I like 4 out of the 6 so I'm going to see what happens next.

 DCeased #1 - Tom Taylor (writer) Trevor Hairsine & Stefano Gaudiano (art pages 1-6, 15-26) James Harren (art pages 7-14) Rain Beredo (colours) Saida Temofonte (letters). The cover blurb of this 6-issue mini says "the end of everything starts here". What, again? Darkseid's obsession with the anti-life equation sparks a world wide epidemic turning people into zombies. The Justice League is up against what the heroes of Winterfell were defending themselves from in the Game of Thrones. I don't think (spoiler alert) killing patient zero will win the day this time. I would normally give the rest of this story a pass because fighting zombies doesn't thrill me much but I do like what Tom Taylor has written in the past so I'm going to keep reading to see what interesting things might be in the future.

 War of the Realms: Strikeforce, the Dark Elf Realm #1 - Bryan Hill (writer) Leinil Francis Yu (pencils) Gerry Alanguilan (inks) Matt Hollingsworth (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). One of the things that the good guys need to do is to destroy the Black Bifrost that Malekith is using to win the War of the Realms. Lady Freyja assembles a team to do that. This one-shot shows us how she recruits Blade, Ghost Rider, She-Hulk and the Punisher. I liked how this issue ended with the team nearing the end of their mission.

 Year of the Villain #1 - The cover blurb of this 25 cent one-shot says "the most dangerous summer event starts here". You can pick your poison, it's either this or DCeased. I'm having a déjà vu moment as I remember that DC did a big villains event a few years ago. That one involved Lex Luthor and this one does too. There are two new villains this time around to make things different. We've got the Batman Who Laughs and Leviathan to boost interest. You sure get your money's worth with three chapters in this comic book.

Chapter one is called "Doom" by Scott Snyder (writer) Jim Cheung (pencils & inks) Tomeu Morey (colours) & Tom Napolitano (letters). Lex Luthor and his Legion of Doom kick things off.

Chapter two is called "Leviathan" by Brian Michael Bendis (writer) Alex Maleev (art) & Josh Reed (letters). Batgirl features prominently and she meets Leviathan who makes her an offer.

Chapter three is called "Justice" by James Tynion IV (writer) Francis Manapul (art) & Tom Napolitano (letters). The Justice League must gather every hero in the Multiverse to fight against the Batman Who Laughs and Perpetua, DC's new Dark Goddess.

As you can see, they've got some big time creative teams telling this story so it should be entertaining. I think I'll hang around for a while.

 War of the Realms #3 - Jason Aaron (writer) Russell Dauterman (art) Matthew Wilson (colours) VC's Joe Sabino (letters). Well geez, if it was that easy to get the Rainbow Bridge going again why didn't they do it sooner? The war is happening on many fronts here. The War Avengers are still defending Midgard. Lady Freyja sends Captain America to Jotunheim, Realm of the Frost Giants, to find Thor. Cap's got Power Man, Iron Fist, Spider-Man and Wolverine with him. We get to see what we missed in War of the Realms: Strikeforce, the Dark Elf Realm #1 as Lady Freyja and her team battle towards the Black Bifrost and find out why their mission changed. When Thor is finally found it doesn't look like he's in any condition to help his friends. I am in awe of the art in this series so far.

 Batman #70 - Tom King (writer) Mikel Janin & Jorge Fornes (art) Jordie Bellaire (colours) Clayton Cowles (letters). The Fall and the Fallen part 1. Now that Batman has awakened from his Knightmares it's time to confront Bane. But first he goes home for a nap. I found it hard to slog through all those Knightmares. I'm so glad we're back to reality. There's a bonus 6-page sneak peek at "Batman: Last Knight on Earth" that looks very promising. The creative team of Scott Snyder (writer) Greg Capullo (pencils) Jonathan Glapion (inks) FCO (colours) & Tom Napolitano (letters) certainly makes the first issue a must read.

 The Amazing Spider-Man #20.HU - Nick Spencer (writer) Cory Smith (pencils) Mark Morales (inks) Erick Arciniega (colours) VC's Joe Caramagna (letters). This Hunted supplement features Adrian Toomes/Vulture and tells us how Arcade helps him rally the super villains. I wouldn't trust Arcade as far as I can throw him. Then there's the back-up story by Nick Spencer (writer) Tyler Crook (art) Jim Campbell (colours) & VC's Joe Caramagna (letters) that features the pathetic Vermin. It will explain why there's a pack of rats in the next issue.

 Young Justice #5 - Brian Michael Bendis (writer) John Timms, Kris Anka & Evan "Doc" Shaner (art) Gabe Eltaeb (colours) Wes Abbott (letters). This may be part 5 of "Seven Crises" but if you can't find the first four issues because they're sold out you can catch up quite easily once you read the first page. I appreciate when writers do a recap. It jogs my memory and helps me keep track of stories. One of my biggest turn offs is feeling confused when I'm reading a comic book. I need to be reminded that this title is in an alternate reality where Tim Drake is Robin.

 Marvel Action Spider-Man #3 - Delilah S. Dawson (writer) Fico Ossio (art) Ronda Pattison (colours) Shawn Lee (letters). The three Spideys fight the Lizard and do some genetic engineering to save the city. These kids are unbelievably smart. That's what's so great about comic books. Anything is possible.

 Marvel Team-Up #2 - Eve L. Ewing (writer) Joey Vazquez (art) Felipe Sobreiro (colours) VC's Clayton Cowles (letters). This story where Ms. Marvel and Spider-Man swap bodies is a lot of fun but it made my head hurt when they switched back and forth a couple of times. Kamala talking as Peter and vice versa freaked me out. Thank Thor for word balloon tails.