#we should all nuke grian

[liauditore]

he is so so tired please get off his lawn

[nudgeling]

Just for fun I assigned the dsmp characters and the few hermicraft members I know of(+ some honorary guests) to empires I think they would belong to.

Rivendell

Philza. The wings, and also I just think he would look neat as an elf.

Jackmanifold, just because I saw that one flower husbands fanart featuring Jack as a stag elf man, and I agreed.

Mumbo Jumbo. Tall and aristocratic. I'm a bit on the fence with this one, I just couldn't think of anything better.

Callahan. Antler boi, also he deserves to be an elf.

The Grimlands

Tubbo. This should be obvious. The kid makes DIY nukes, of course he would be a Grimlander. He would definitely have large burn scars and a robot arm and leg.

Tommy. He could go pretty much anywhere, but I wanted clingyduo. Also, the story potential! Imagine them as 2 steampunk kids. Tubbo makes and sells some pretty damn impressive gadgets so that they can pay for food, while Tommy makes trips to scavenge for the parts needed to make them.

Ranboo. He's not actually a Grimlander and it shows, but Tommy and Tubbo just found him one day and decided to take pity on him. He got no memory of how he got there.

Micheal. He's Tubbo's robot son.

GoodTimesWithScar. You can get really creative with a steampunk wheelchair, plus I can imagine him owning a steampunk shop and being charming and capitalist af.

Fundy. It's the only pro-salmon empire.

Crystal Cliffs

Nikki. I just really want wizard Nikki ok?

Eret. Same reason. She would be royalty as well, but have no actual political power, it's just tradition.

The Lost Empire

Antfrost. If we can have a Tiger Prince we can have a catboy.

RedVelvet. This is the only empire that remotely matches his chaoticness.

House Blossom

Hannah Rose. This one's pretty obvious.

ZombieCleo. I just love the imagery of a flower infested zombie, plus her horror love fits with the whole severed heads thing.

Joe Hills. Where Cleo goes, Joe goes.

The Ocean Empire

Sally the s- oh wait NO

Awesamsude. I just love the imagery of him as an atlantis-type warden with a trident.

Mythland

BBH. Just picture a 7ft demon hybrid blood magic sorcerer that draws the line at swearing.

Punz. Part of the assassin's guild.

Purpled. Also part of the assassin's guild.

Xisuma. I don't know him that well, but I like the idea of him being a professor or architect who does blood magic and pottery on the side.

Gilded Helanthia

TECHNO. It’s perfect. He would be a potato farmer that battles the queen in his spare time. Every now and again he hops on over to Mythland and sacrifices blood sheep to let out steam.

Ponk. Just let them grow their lemon trees in peace.

Quackity. Remember how Pearl made a brewery? Yeah, not every Helanthian is a chill farmer! Some brew their own liquor, open illegal casinos and have a gambling problem!

Pixandria

Mumza. She doesn’t technically live there but she's still the godess of death soooo...

Philza. Yes I know I've already mentioned him, but I’m torn between elf Phil and devout Phil, so now there's two.

The Undergrove

Wilbur Soot. Now I know this might seem strange but consider this: Shrub is friends with Wilbur. Jack is friends with Scott. Scott is friends with Shrub. They all go ghost hunting on the weekends.

George. Mushroom.

Mezalea

Foolish. He's an architect and he gets to live close to the sea.

BduoubleO. He's barely even a citizen, he just dashes around in the moss like a mole.

The Cod Empire

Grian. If you know you know.

Slimecicle. Slime. SLIME. Jimmy will definitley use him as a spy once his villain arc starts.

Traveling between them

Skeppy. He's a messenger! But when he isn't out and about he's crashing at Mythland.

Karl Jacobs. He's a traveling storyteller/prophet!

Cpt. Puffy. She’s a captain dawg, she gotta be out on the sea! She’s either a pirate, a merchant or in the navy, I don’t know which one I like more. When she isn't out on sea tho, she's spending time with her son on the shores of Mezalea.

Dream. Mans on the run.

Sapnap. Mans on the hunt.

Undecided:

Jschlatt. I just have no clue.

[cephalopod-truther]

Okay since third life season 2 electric boogaloogoo is coming out probably sometime next week, I’d like to take a moment to discuss unlikely candidates for the mystery new guy and why I think that they should join (as well as why they probably didn’t)

Okay first of all is Philza Minecraft. He would be an awesome addition bc he’s always felt kinda hermit-adjacent but just never quite bridged the gap. He’s been around on YouTube for quite a while, and tho he’s only blown up fairly recently (comparatively speaking), his career is just as expansive as most of the hermits. He’s done this style of mostly-vanilla-but-with-a-twist smps (namely SMP!Earth and the 30 days!SMP) before and he seemed to have a blast, although I think for thirty days he was slightly frustrated that he was able to play it more seriously what with getting killed off and all the other stuff. Plus, as much as I love the others, I’d like to see what he could do with that slightly older, more mature group (like he had with SMP!Earth). Third life is also looking like it will be pretty heavy on role play and again, that’s something that he seems to quite enjoy on previous servers and he doesn’t always get the chance to really explore that as much as he would in third life. Also just imagine if he took over the world again that would just be cracked HOWEVER, in most of the previous SMPs that he’s done, he is on pretty familiar terms with a good number of the other players, and as far as I recall, he doesn’t know any of the third lifers too well. Plus, he seems to generally prefer livestreaming and then editing those down to creating specifically episodic based content, which is the established format of third life. Also he swears so much that Grian would be forced to destroy him. Like no joke, it wouldn’t even happen in Minecraft. He’d just show up to Phil’s house one day and deck him. Did you see his Pride MCC livestream?? That man will keep his content wholesome upon pain of death

Charlie Slimecicle. I think we should just give him a chance to make things weird, okay? Like that guy can single-handedly match the entirety of Boatem in terms of sheer chaotic energy and you don’t want to just set him loose on every available server just to see what would happen?? I’m still not entirely convinced that Charlie isn’t some eldritch being that feeds upon discord and strife and will one day devour the Earth but in the mean time he’s a funky little bastard man and if he wants to eat the entire planet then that’s his business

Next!! Is CaptainSparklez!! An OG legend in his own right and a household name, CaptainSparklez has unfortunately been lost to the icy grips of childhood nostalgia. He’s still pretty popular these days but people are starting to see him as a wise and responsible mentor to the younger generation which fair ig but remember Mianite?? The good Captain could get into some S tier shenanigans. That man is a force of chaos in his own right and honestly deserves to go feral. Y’know. As a treat. Plus he has an opening for a new series, since Voltz Wars (my beloved </3) was cancelled due to scheduling conflicts

Of course, we can’t mention one Captain without the other which brings us to *drumroll please* Puffy!! Puffy, as we all know is an absolute bamf and a genuine delight to watch. She takes no shit and can absolutely hold her own- plus, I really want to see her and ZombieCleo team up!!! Just picture it!! The banter, the building, the sheer badassery of it all!!! If they decided to partner up they would be unstoppable

Tubbo!! Nukes!! Give this boy a Gun!! I just want him to get a chance to release all that murderous rage buried inside him. It would be funny.

I don’t know how to pronounce the man’s name but I do know that Xisuma deserves a holiday. Man’s been keeping Hermitcraft running for years now- he deserves the chance to let loose, relax and kill a bunch of people. Self care is important don’t you know

Fruitberries is probably one of the most realistic suggestions as he’s already established hermit-adjacent, having teamed with a fair few in MCCs. He’s also probably the candidate that I know the least about given I’ve mostly seen him in other people’s content but he seems pretty chill and his traps are amazing (he could really afford to give Grian some pointers, what with all of the performance issues he had with his traps last season). He also has a really good dynamic with several of the other members and I’d almost definitely watch his POV if he did join

TinFoilChef. I just think he’s neat

Fragrance Man and Fragrance man specifically None of this Jschlatt fellow; I want a random dude with a New York accent and a priest get up to break into Ren’s house and force him to sniff sand.

Wilbur!! There’s nothing specific that I want him to bring to third life- I just wanna watch him Simp for Grian like he does in MCC (seriously like [SPOILERS FOR MCC 17!!] it was his simping that saved the Orange Ocelots from Battle Box and gave them a huge leg up on their path to victor) Also he and Scott are hilarious together and I’m in love with the idea of Scott and Jimmy rebuilding flower husbands but this time they have That Weird Guy Wilbur Soot TM just squatting in the basement with a full blown drugs lab. It’s a bizarrely specific pipe dream, sure but that’s literally the entire point of this post

Two words and a name; HBomb, cat maid. I can feel you judging me but here me out, who wouldn’t want to see what happens when Scar “put some clothes on” Insert last name meets with H “nya” Bomb??

Crumb. No explanation needed. She would dominate