#we still had masks on idk i think i will explode in embarrassment if i felt lips 💀

[fr0stbearer]

i've screamed about this on twt but on dec 3, 2022, kaeya from genshin impact kissed my hand and i'm still giggling and kicking my feet in the air over it 💀

[iamanartichoke]

I wrote a Thing. It’s extremely long. I’d prefer it not be reblogged; I wrote this for my own catharsis and would prefer it not be circulated, bc of Reasons. 

I changed my mind, okay to reblog. <3 

Under a cut for (extreme, did I mention?) length. 

So I got about 12 minutes of sleep last night, as you do, and around 3am or so I found myself - out of sheer curiosity - going down a meta hole of Ragnarok discourse, trying to figure out where this "satisfying redemption arc" for Loki happened. (I mean, there's a lot of things I would like to figure out, but I started there.) Because I could. 

Basically I was looking for meta that went into detail about how Loki was redeemed in a satisfactory way. The ‘satisfactory’  is an important word here bc there is a redemption arc in the film, in that Loki starts off the film as an antagonist (kinda) to Thor and he ends the film as an ally to Thor, standing at Thor's side. In that sense, yes, there's a redemption arc. I didn't find much (and I had no idea how much people just despise Ragnarok "antis" [I really dislike that word] but that's another topic [that I don't particularly want to get into, tbh]) but I did find some. I read what I could find, and I read it open-mindedly, and overall I came away feeling like, okay, there are some valid points being made here and I can kinda see where they're coming from.

But it was a bit (a lot) like -- flat. Idk. The best comparison I can think of is that it’s like if a literature class read, I don't know, The Yellow Wallpaper for an assignment, and some of the students came away from it feeling like it was a creepy story about a woman slowly driving herself insane, and the other students came away from it incensed at the oppression and infantilization of women in the late 19th century -

- and neither side is wrong, but the former is a very surface-level reading and the latter isn't (bc it stems from looking at why she drives herself insane, why she was prescribed 'rest' in the first place, the context of what women could and couldn't do back then, etc; basically, a bit more work has to go into it). 

[Note: I am not disparaging the quality of The Yellow Wallpaper. At all. It’s just the first relatively well-known story that popped into my head.]

In this sense, I can see the argument for Loki's redemption arc, but I don't think it's a very good argument. Not invalid, but not great.

I mean, for example, I think the most consistent argument I found variations of re: Loki's redemption is that Ragnarok shows Loki finally taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and misdeeds. This includes recognizing that his actions were fueled from a place of self-hatred and a desire to self-destruct in addition to bringing destruction on others. That he probably feels awkward and regretful of these things and doesn't know how to act around Thor, but he figures it out by the end, and decides that returning to Asgard is the best way to show that he's ready to make amends. His act of bringing the Statesman to Asgard is an apology. He allies himself with Thor and ends up in a better place, both narratively (united with Thor once again) and mentally (having taken responsibility and made amends for his past).

And setting aside that he had already made amends by sacrificing his life in TDW (and also setting aside that the argument is made that Loki redeems himself in IW by sacrificing himself to Thanos but if that's the case, wouldn't that imply that he hadn't achieved redemption in Ragnarok or else there would be no need to achieve it again in IW? Or, if you think he did achieve redemption in Ragnarok, then what the fuck did he give his life in IW for? What was his motivation there, and why did the narrative not make it clearer? I digress.) 

- setting aside those two factors, I think this is a very fair argument. Loki is fueled by self-hatred, and he does want to self-destruct, and he does want to inflict that pain on others as well (particularly Thor). No lies detected here. 

However, I also need to know where that self-hatred and desire for destruction (toward himself and others) comes from and for that, we need to go back to Thor 1.

Thor 1. 

Loki starts Thor 1 out as "a clenched fist with hair," to borrow a quote from the Haunting of Hill House (that I tucked away in my mental box of Lovely Things bc it says so much so very simply). He's very used to bottling everything up, pushing it down; he slinks around behind the scenes, pulling the strings to this plot or that. He's "always been one for mischief," but the narrative implies that the coronation incident is the first time Loki's done anything truly terrible. And it all immediately pretty much goes to shit, so Loki spends the rest of the movie frantically juggling all these moving pieces while trying to seem as if he's got it all under control, every step of the way. That's how I view his actions. 

But I always come back to that quote where Kenneth Branaugh tells Tom, of the scene in the vault, "This is where the thin steel rod that's been holding your mind together snaps." In other words this is where Loki discovering he's Jotun is just one thing too many. He can't take it. But though the rod snaps, his descent isn't a nosedive. It's a tumble. As the story progresses, the clenched fist starts to loosen, the muscles are flexed in unfamiliar ways (that feel kinda good, after being stiff for so long), and it culminates with the hand opening completely and shaking itself out. All of that repression, that self-hatred, that rage and jealousy just explodes so that, by the time the bifrost scene happens, Loki's already hit bottom. It's not just about proving his worthiness to Odin. He wants to hurt Thor, too; he, essentially, throws a tantrum. (That's right, I said tantrum.) 

(Note: The word 'tantrum’ has negative connotations bc we normally equate it with a toddler stamping their feet and screaming in the aisle when their parent won't buy them the toy they want. But in itself, the word tantrum isn't infantalizing. It's an "emotional outburst, an uncontrolled explosion of anger and frustration" [paraphrasing from dictionary.com]. That's exactly what happens here [and why Tom called Loki's actions a massive tantrum, but people took that to mean Tom agreed it was childish whereas I doubt Tom meant it that way]).

He's been pushed past his limit, and he does bad things. He does really shitty things. He hurts Thor, he hurts his family. I'm pretty sure he knows this all along so this isn't, like, some revelation further down the line that "hey, those things I did were probably kinda bad." He got the memo already. 

Ragnarok 

Fast forward to Ragnarok, and we're introduced to a version of Loki who's had 4ish years to sit with everything that's happened. To sit with it and not do much else. The rawness of it has faded, and now it seems as though it's just become a thing, like when you move through life aware of your childhood traumas and have more or less just accepted them (and you probably share a lot of really funny depression memes on Facebook, which is kinda the equivalent of Loki's play, but that's probably just me). 

Loki has, more or less, chilled out. He seems more bored than anything else; he's been masquerading as Odin for longer than he ever planned or intended to, so he's more or less ended up hanging out, letting Asgard mind its own business, and entertaining himself with silly plays. This is the version that starts out the movie as an antagonist to Thor - a version that is, arguably, in a much different place [and is a much milder threat] than the version who originally did those Bad Things. 

And of course Thor is still mad at him, and of course they're going to butt heads, because that's what they do (and Thor's grievances are genuine, I’ll add, bc it's not really his fault he assumed Loki faked his death, nor can he be blamed for being pissed about Odin).

One argument framed this version of Loki as being a person who is facing the awkwardness of coming out of a dark place, which is fair. If we're going to frame his actions in Thor 1 as a tantrum, then Ragnarok would be the part where the toddler has been taken home, possibly has had some lunch and a juice box, and is now watching cartoons. They're over the tantrum, and would probably feel pretty silly about it if they weren't, yknow, toddlers. They probably can't remember why they even wanted that toy so badly. If they're a little older and self-aware, they might even be embarrassed for having melted down.

Like the word tantrum, this feeling isn't a thing limited to toddlers. I know I've had a few epic meltdowns as a grown ass adult, and I know I always feel deeply embarrassed afterwards - like, want to crawl into a hole and die. I've said things I can't take back. Adolescents and teenagers throw tantrums, mentally ill people throw tantrums, adults throw tantrums (I mean, my god, look at all the videos of Karens having screaming meltdowns - screaming! - over having to wear masks in order to shop at stores). Humans throw tantrums. And usually, after the feelings have been let out and the tantrum has passed, humans feel pretty regretful and awkward and embarrassed about whatever they did and said in the midst of their meltdown. 

I get all of that and agree it's valid and that Loki probably feels it. By the time Ragnarok happens, Loki's had some time to reflect and think hmm, yeah, probably could've handled that one a lot better. The argument further goes that in order to navigate this awkward period, Loki must come to terms with what he's done, acknowledge that some things can't be unsaid or undone, and begin to make amends. Supposedly, some people feel that Loki becomes a better person because he does "own" everything he did wrong and, even though he feels like a jackass (paraphrasing), he sets that aside to become a become a better person by choosing to help Thor and Asgard at the end. 

Thus, the overall arc goes like this. Loki, Thor's jealous little brother, 

throws a tantrum of epic proportions bc Reasons 

continues to act badly and make things even worse (Avengers) 

has to face consequences for his actions (prison sentence) 

ends up with a stretch of time in which he's free to contemplate and chill out 

feels embarrassed and awkward about how he's behaved

sees an opportunity to make up for it and decides to take it 

helps Thor, saves the day, and ends the film a better person. 

Redemption achieved.

None of this is wrong. The film supports it. It's a fair interpretation. But it leaves. out. so. much.

To circle all the way back around Loki being "a clenched fist with hair," and his actions stemming from his self-hatred, you have to ask - how did he get that way? He didn't end up with all this self-hatred on accident. Generally, one isn't born despising themselves, it's a learned behavior. (I realize chemical imbalances are a thing, obviously, as I have Mental Shit myself, but for argument's sake I'm assuming that's not the case with Loki [at this point in time]). 

Where did Loki learn it? From his family, from his surroundings, from his culture. We see examples of these microaggressions in the first, like, twenty minutes of the movie - a guard openly laughs at Loki's magic after Thor makes a joke about it (the tone of the conversation implies that Thor "jokes" like this often) and though Loki does the snake thing, the guard faces no real consequences. Thor doesn't acknowledge that anything went amiss. Not much later, on their way to Jotunheim, Loki's barely gotten two words out to Heimdall before Thor cuts him off, steps in front of him, and takes charge. Loki doesn't look annoyed at this; he looks resigned. 

Then, for absolutely no reason at all, Volstagg decides to make a jab at Loki ("silver tongue turned to lead?") just because he can. The ease with which he makes this comment and the way that no one else blinks an eye at it implies that this isn't out of the norm. And Loki doesn't react, not really. In the deleted version, he delivers a particularly nasty comeback but he delivers it under his breath, without intending Volstagg to hear it. In the final version, he simply says nothing, though his expression can be read as hurt or stung. Either way, the audience sees an example of Loki being walked all over by Thor and his friends and bottling up his reactions instead of standing up for himself. 

Microaggressions matter. They are mentally and emotionally damaging. They hurt. The implication that this is not unusual treatment for Loki means that Loki's probably gone through this for most of his life. It's like the equivalent of being, I don't know, twenty two and you're the friend who has to walk behind the others when the sidewalk isn't wide enough, and it's been that way since the first day of kindergarten. At this point, you're used to it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when the jabs come seemingly out of nowhere, for no reason other than to make you feel bad.

(I personally identify a lot with this bc I experienced passive bullying in social settings for years. I was the 'doesn't fit on the sidewalk' friend; I hung around with people who'd pretend to be my friend and would be more or less nice to my face, but would laugh at me and make fun of me behind my back for whatever reasons. And often there'd be the random jabs at me, things that would come out of nowhere to smack me in the face, followed by the fake laugh and “just kidding!" so that I couldn't even get upset without being made to feel like I was overreacting and couldn't take a joke. I'd deal with this socially, particularly in middle school when girls are their most vicious, and then I'd go home and, because I was the only girl with a lot of brothers and because boys are mean and because I am who I am, the dynamic was that my brothers would just endlessly roast me to my face and sometimes it was a "just kidding!" thing, where I was the only one not laughing. But that’s beside the point; my point is that microaggressions, passive bullying, and consistent invalidation are harmful and that shit stays with you into adulthood.) 

So, yes, Loki needs to be held responsible for his misdeeds, and it's valid to say that he recognizes those misdeeds and wants to make amends. I have never disagreed with that. But the problem with this interpretation is that it lets every single other character who contributed to Loki's self-hatred and mental breakdown (let's just call a spade a spade here, that's what it was; he was broken psychologically) get off scot-free.

First of all,

Odin is not held accountable for instilling in the princes a mentality of Asgard first, everyone is beneath us but Jotuns are benath us the most, they are literal monsters. He is not held accountable for pitting his sons against one another (even if it was unintentional, he still did it) with "you were both born to be kings but only one of you can rule" being the general tone of their upbringing. He's not held accountable for his favoritism toward Thor.

Frigga is not held accountable for deferring to Odin both in supporting the above things and in keeping the truth of Loki's origins a secret while doing nothing to discourage the "monsters" narrative. 

Thor is not held accountable for his own tendency of taking Loki for granted (he assumes Loki will come to Jotunheim, he oversteps Loki constantly, “know your place,” etc.. He grants his implicit permission for Loki to be treated as the sidewalk friend in their “group,” a group which is loyal to and takes their cues from Thor as Thor continues to do nothing in his brother's defense).

[Note: Wanting Thor to be held accountable for things he's done wrong isn't vilifying him. Acknowledging that Thor benefited from Odin's favoritism and his own place as Crown Prince doesn't negate Thor also being raised in an abusive environment. I don't think anyone's saying that or, if they have, it's not something I agree with.]

Furthermore, 

Odin is not held accountable for his cruelty in disowning Loki (”your birthright was to die” is never going to be forgotten, speaking of people saying things that can't be unsaid or taken back) and in sentencing Loki to a severe prison sentence (life! only bc Frigga wouldn't let him execute Loki) for crimes that are no worse than what Odin himself has committed (around which the entire plot of Ragnarok revolves! Colonialism (and subjugation) is wrong is, like, a major theme [that people rush to praise, even] here). 

Thor is also never held accountable for not trying harder to understand what made Loki snap (fair enough, he didn't have a ton of time after returning from Earth, but certainly he had lots of time to sit around reflecting while Loki was being tortured by Thanos for a year). He knows Loki is "not himself" and "beyond reason" and accepts it at face value; he questions it once and then lets it go. He's fine with assuming Loki's just lost his mind, and isn't that a shame. (I realize I'm simplifying Thor's emotions but my point is that Thor could've tried harder to figure out that Loki was being influenced and/or not acting completely autonomously.) 

Thor is also never held accountable for - if not facing consequences for his own slaughter of Jotuns - then at least addressing why Loki can't kill an entire race even though Thor tried to do that, like, two days ago. (Granted, it’s difficult to understand how Thor got from Point A ("let's finish them together, Father!") to Point B (this is wrong!), but that failing belongs to Thor 1 (which is not, by the way, a perfect movie).

The interpretation that Loki is fully redeemed because he took responsibility for his actions, returned to Asgard, and allied himself with Thor to save their people is all well and good - but, why is Loki the only one here who has to take responsibility for their actions? 

What about all the loose threads in his story? 

For example, how did he get from: 

Point A (believing himself a literal monster, having a complete mental breakdown, getting tortured and further traumatized after that, etc) 

to 

Point B (Hey, yknow what would be fun? I'm going to write and direct a play about how I heroically died to save Thor and Jane, and I'll go ahead and have Odin say he accepts me and has always loved me. I'm going to do these things because Odin never said this in real life and instead of acknowledging my sacrifice, Thor left my body in the dirt, so someone has to validate what I've done right and that someone might as well be me. And hey, while I'm at it, I'm going to control the narrative on revealing myself as Jotun to Asgard, instead of living in fear of it being found out, and I'm going to do it in a way that they have to sympathize with me and revere me in death, bc they never bothered to do so when I was alive. And Matt Damon should play me, also.) 

to 

Point C (Yeah, I guess I feel kinda awkward about that whole tantrum thing, also I should help Thor and support him being king.)

? 

The answers to these questions are handwaved and the audience takes that to mean they don't matter. Furthermore, framing Loki's redemption around an act of service (more or less) to Thor makes Loki's redemption about Thor. Does Loki make this decision for the sake of Thor and of Asgard, or does he make it for himself? It's not super clear to me, and I think arguments can be made for both. Which, again, is fine, but - whatever.

If we're going to collectively agree, as a fandom, that Loki is complex, that he's morally gray, that he's worthy of redemption and therefore arguably a good person who's done bad things, then why is it asking too much to have it acknowledged that Thor (also a good person who's done bad things) played a part in Loki's downfall and has shit to apologize for, too? Bc one can only assume the reason is that you're taking a very gray concept and making it black and white by saying Loki has to apologize and make amends because he is the villain, and Thor doesn't because he is the hero (and it's his movie). And it's lazy.

This is where the crux of the issue lands. There's more than one valid interpretation, yes. And no two people (or groups of people, or whatever) are going to consume and therefore interpret or analyze the source material in the same way. I think I saw a post recently about how studies have been done on this, in fact. But, there is a lot going on under the surface that tends to get overlooked when exploring Loki's redemption arc in Ragnarok, as far as I can see, and that’s why I don’t consider it satisfactory. 

[I did read similar arguments regarding other issues that are often debated ('debated'), like Loki's magic and/or being underpowered, whether or not Loki's betrayal of Thor was the natural outcome of the situation on Sakaar or not, whether Thor actually gets closure with Odin [if he does, how does he reconcile the father he's idolized with the imperialistic conqueror he's discovered? Why doesn't he hold Odin responsible for covering up Hela's existence and the threat of her return, especially as he knew he was nearing the end of his life? Is Thor's "I'm not as strong as you" meant to imply that he acknowledges those shortcomings of Odin's and that he's okay with them, or that he's just overlooking them, or is he not okay with them but didn't have the chance to get into it bc he was in the middle of battle? T'Challa confronted his father on his wrongdoings in Black Panther; could Thor not have had at least one line that was confrontational enough to establish where he stands as opposed to this gray middle? Can someone explain to me how any of this equates to Thor gaining closure? Please?) but obviously I'm not going to go into all of them (well, I tried not to), bc this mammoth post has gone on long enough (I may not even post this tbh)]

- but my overall point to this entire thing is that when I say I'm critical of Ragnarok bc it's flawed, that Loki's arc was neither complete nor satisfactory, that many things went unaddressed and, due to all of these things, I do not think Ragnarok is a very good movie nor a very cohesive movie, this is where I'm coming from. I have not seen anything to change my mind to the contrary. 

But I am not saying that anyone satisfied with it is wrong, or shouldn't have the interpretation that they do. I'm not vilifying Thor in order to lift Loki up, just acknowledging that Thor is arguably just as flawed as Loki without the stigma of being Designated Villain. I think a lot of these arguments get overlooked or dismissed, and that's fine, but it doesn't make the people who do engage with them hateful, or bitter, or trying to excuse Loki's crimes, or feeling like redemption means that Loki's crimes should be erased rather than reconciled. 

And sure, yes, perhaps we are expecting too much and exploring all of these themes (or wanting them explored) means that somehow we think it should be Loki's movie (we don't). Loki is a supporting character, but he's still a character. And the movie itself doesn't have to delve into all these things - no one's saying that. (At least, I'm not.) We just want acknowledgement, from the narrative, that this stuff was an Issue. 

This could have been accomplished with - 

Some dialogue closer to the novelization (and original script), like Thor and Loki both acknowledging the harm they've done one another and their kingdom due to their Feels.

 A single line of Thor confronting Odin, or even asking "Why?" 

A narrative acknowledgement that Odin did both Thor and Loki dirty (”I love you, my sons” isn't an apology, because it doesn't acknowledge either that there's been wrong-doing or express regret for having done the wrong in the first place). 

A little bit more nuance in the way Loki treats his own past (ie, instead of flippantly telling the story of his suicide attempt, maybe - if it must be flippant - talk about getting blasted in the face with Hawkeye's arrow or sailing through to Svartalfheim [And in that moment, I sang ta-daaaa!]) or whatever. 

I recognize that wanting full, in-depth exploration on all of these issues regarding a supporting character is probably too much to ask or expect - but, I also feel like, if you're going to be professionally writing a narrative (or rewriting/improvising, as it were), it's not too much to ask that a little more care be taken in regards to all of the layers that have contributed to said supporting character's downfall and subsequent redemption arc. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to want. 

And maybe if there had been more nuance and continuity in how these things were portrayed on screen (ie, if TW had actually done as good a job as his stans think he did), the fandom wouldn't have divided and conquered itself over which "version" of the same character is more valid and whether or not the film did its best to close out a trilogy (not start a new one), to the point where everyone in this fandom space makes navigating it feel like walking through a minefield. 

But, I mean 

(Again, please don’t reblog if possible.) 

Edit: Okay to reblog. <3 

[pwarkluv]

❝ you’re the one i want ❞ - yji 

yang jeongin x reader | fluff | 1.8k words

WARNINGS | lowercase is intended, high school au, established relationship au (if that’s a thing lol), non-idol au, just your good old going on a date kinda fanfic where you two realize just how in love y’all are, whipped!jeongin, really fluffy, did i mention fluff?

SUMMARY | when your date ends with a giant promise.

AUTHOR’S NOTE | another fluff fanfic because that’s my forte and i haven’t written any skz things yet :P hehe the pic is my pfp. anyways jeongin is one of my ults and my bias in skz so this is gonna be fun to write! also i’m doing this right, right? it’s yji? yang jeong in? idk why but for some reason it doesn’t look right to me. also the ending’s trash i’m sorry-

“baby please stay still.” your boyfriend softly scolded as he carefully fixed the bunny hat on your head, one hand keeping the hair out of your face and the other placed carefully on the back of your neck to keep you still. 

it was the last couple of days before the start of your guys’s senior year, before things get complicated academically. the august heat burns but you didn’t think twice about it, more excited about the fact that you and jeongin were at seoul land.

your tiny frame bounced up and down, slightly frustrating your boyfriend. he didn’t mind though because you were absolutely adorable in the bunny hat he bought for you. jeongin smiled softly at your excited face reminding him of a kid opening christmas presents. 

his hands then went up to fix the froggy headband you chose for him, making sure he didn’t look completely stupid. when you first pointed out the headband, jeongin had a protest at the tip of his tongue. but dang, the way you looked at him had him nodding his head in approval before he said a word.

“are you done yet innie?” you whined, holding onto his arm as he chuckled. jeongin’s free hand goes up to squeeze the paw of your hat, one of the ears going up. his heart never failed to race whenever you two made eye contact. he wholeheartedly believes you are the most beautiful thing he has ever seen in jeongin’s eighteen years of life.

jeongin smiles at your blushing face before grabbing your hand.

“let’s go loser.” and he drags you to the viking ship on your left.

❝ i like shiny things, but i’d marry you with paper rings ❞

you couldn’t help but smile at your boyfriend’s focused gaze. you guys were taking a little break from rides and instead going around the games and food stands. his tongue poked out as jeongin focused on the target in front of him, fire behind his eyes.

you two were sharing a funnel cake when he noticed your eyes staring at the cute cow stuffed animal. jeongin immediately recognizes it from a kdrama you two watched on your first movie night as a couple. and that’s how you found yourselves standing in front of a water gun stand watching your boyfriend try and win you that stuffed animal. 

the man at the running stand laughed quietly at your dumb and in love expression before the ding rang, indicating jeongin won. your boy jumped a little in victory before turning to you with the biggest smile ever.

and that’s when you felt it. that warm and fuzzy in your tummy, the racing in your heart, the automatic smile you gave him back. you and jeongin have been together since the summer before your second year of high school. you watched as he grew from the shy and timid boy to the (slightly more) confident man he is now. you couldn’t believe how you’re already gonna start your senior year with the love of your life.

love.

in that moment when jeongin stuffed the plushie into your hands and gave you a hug, you knew you were completely in love with him. you wanted to marry him someday.

you didn’t care if you two were in your pajamas or dinosaur suits, you just wanted to be his.

❝ uh huh, that’s right, darling you’re the one i want ❞

jeongin’s palms felt sweaty and clamp as you dragged him towards the carousel. your carefree and euphoric expression made his heart double in size as he blinked at you. suddenly the ring in his pocket felt heavy, weighing him down with every step he took.

the start of summer while jeongin was at the mall with his hyungs, a pretty ring caught his eye. it wasn’t anything too big or expensive (which he was thankful for as a broke high school student), but absolutely stunning. the ring had a thin silver band with one medium sized diamond in the middle, tinier ones surrounding the big one. 

and before he knew it, jeongin was at the shop paying for a promise ring he was hoping to give to you before school started. there was a matching one he bought on a whim, leaving him more broker than before.

jeongin knew he was in love with you in the middle of your third year in high school when you two had a burping contest to see who could burp the loudest. you won (only because he let you) and from then he only had heart eyes for you. 

he’s never felt that comfortable and safe with anyone. being so carefree and home. he was at home with you. so buying you that promise ring was his way of saying he wants to be with you forever. 

❝ i hate accidents except when we went from friends to this ❞

you two met at the start of your freshman year when jeongin spilled milk all over your shirt. he was a shy boy so whenever the lunch bell rang, he ran out of the cafeteria like his life depended on it. but one day he wasn’t aware of where he was going and ran right into your timid frame. 

suddenly you were met with a cold feeling running down your chest.

the poor boy freaked and apologized faster than you could register what had happened. you were a bubbly kid, though not very social so you didn’t mind what had happened. but for some reason you let yourself be dragged by the stuttered stranger, offering you his hoodie he had in his locker. 

his hoodie felt foreign and warm on your body. although he was a stick at fourteen, jeongin was tall. the cloth looked big on your short frame, hands disappeared from the long sleeves. the boy was beyond red looking at you in his clothes. his eyes widened, malfunctioning on why he felt this way. 

“i’m really sorry.” he muttered in embarrassment before turning around to leave. 

“wait!” you called out, tugging on his wrist. if jeongin didn’t resemble a tomato then, he definitely did now. your hand felt warm around his wrist and the sudden source of heat was all his mind could think about. 

“thank you.” you shyly said taking back your hand. you don’t know what has possessed you but suddenly you’re asking what his name was. 

“what’s your name? i’m y/n!” you said with a small smile. jeongin’s heart felt like it was about to explode. 

❝ uh huh, that’s right darling, you’re the one i want ❞

“come one baby it’s almost dawn let’s go~” you whined a bit, pulling his tall frame towards the line. it was almost sunset and you wanted to go on the ferris wheel as the last thing you two would do for the day before studies filled up your date nights. 

well actually, jeongin was the one who suggested going on the ferris wheel to you before you stuck with it in excitement. it was all a part of his master plan to give you that promise ring. he was pretty confident you’d take it, after being together for so long, though of course there’s that small inkling of doubt that you’d reject it and him.

but now that it was almost time, jeongin couldn’t move his legs. he was really about to give you a promise ring.

jeongin laughed to mask his nerves but you knew better.

“awe is my baby afraid of heights?” you joked, no longer pulling his arm but putting your hand in his. “don’t worry, y/nnie is here to protect.” you broke out into a fighting pose which immediately made him laugh at your silliness. 

❝ in paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams ❞

here you guys were at the top on the ride, the sunset warm on your face. jeongin’s leg was bouncing in nervousness causing the box you were in to shake. you were about to reach out to the boy before he spoke up.

“y/n?” he asked in a small yet serious voice. you couldn’t help but worry.

“yes my love?” you responded back, turning your body to face him on the seats you guys were on. “what’s wrong? you’ve been acting weird ever since you got on the ferris wheel.”

your mind was racing with possibilities, the worst one sounding the most obvious with the way jeongin seemed so serious. he wasn’t breaking up with you, right?

jeongin took a deep breath before looking into your eyes, the color more beautiful than the sunset behind you. 

“i love you so much.” he continued before reaching into his pocket, fumbling a bit with the box the ring came in. 

“and i know we’re young and have so much ahead of us. ah you know how much i’m bad with words but, there’s so much we’re unsure of like what’s 25 - 8 or what college we’re going to. but if there’s one thing i’m sure of, it’s that you’re my everything.” the boy said, trying not to stumble over his words. his heart was at an unmeasurable rate, one hand on the ring and the other on your own hand. suddenly he took out the ring, a red velvety box which made you gasp in shock.

at this point you were tearing up. so he wasn’t breaking up with you?

“this isn’t anything too big so don’t freak out.” jeongin joked making you chuckle a bit. “but i know that i want to spend the rest of my life with you.” his grip on your hand tightened before letting go, opening the box. 

“it’s nothing too big but hopefully this could show you how much you mean to me, y/n. here’s a promise ring because i really want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

the ring was beautiful in your eyes. tears fell on onto your cheeks as you looked to your boyfriend. all you could see was genuine love and care. 

you caught him in a hug, causing the box to shake again, sobbing into his chest.

“i love you, i love you, i love you.” you chanted into his chest making him laugh. 

“don’t cry my love. i still need to put it on you.” jeongin chuckled. you wiped off the salty water before holding out your hand. jeongin slowly took your hand as if it was made of glass before slipping on the ring. it fit perfectly. 

❝ oh, you’re the one i want ❞

you put his ring on as well before the box moved indicating that you guys were going back down. before the sight of the pretty sunset escaped your view, you quickly grabbed jeongin’s face to meet yours in a kiss. a kiss to promise that you’d guys would be forever. because yang jeongin is everything you’ve ever wanted.

[axemetaphor]

wwwhats up its 430am I cant sleep and I dont think I've ever done an annoying headcanon ramble for jdate on here so here we fuckin goooo I'm on mobile but I'm gonna try my damnedest to do a read more and if it doesnt work and looks stupid well sue me

amy is the one routinely awake before the other two. I dont mean shes always the first one to wake up, but her back pain is more likely to have her up in the early hours of the morning. shes also the only one who has anything thay resembles q sleeping schedule of the three as john is just like, completely fucked in that department and Dave's insomnia/depression-sleeping fucks him over sometimes. basically amy Has A Brain and also lost likely schedules it so that she can be falling asleep as her pain pills take effect.

amy also is the one who's like fairly into self care stuff like fuckinuhhh face masks and shit—look, I dont inow jackshit about self care, but I mean amy strikes me as the kind of person to actually maintain her appearance in a fairly regular manner. john will just like "forget" to take care of himself and then just Be Decadent for a week and then "forget" again (either going on a bender or just actually being normal for once) and all dave knows of self care is "when I get the urge to eat an entire pie, and give into that urge, That is self care"

anyways Partially because of that I headcanon Dave gets acne like Pretty Much All The Time and hes just kinda stopped caring about it. amy gets acne Sometimes because it just like Happens. john is that one lucky motherfucker who just is somehow naturally immune. perpetually clear skin on this man. I hate him

also dave Kind Of strikes me as the kind of guy fuckign "3 in 1" shampoo is targeted towards the man just Does Not Care. other girlfriends have tried to get him into actually using different kinds of soaps and not just defaulting to "3 in 1 wherever I think soap should go" but its amy who actually succeeds in breaking this terrible habit hes had.

also I think that Despite his hair being described as frizzy and all that, John actually takes care of his hair. except for times when hes Less Than Functional. and also yknow when the world is fuckin ending but I doubt anyone really has time for a haircare routine when they gotta be fighting monsters and shit

amy again is just a normal person about hair. but shes the only one who can actually cut hair and tbqh I think she does it Pretty Well! shes no professional but shes not john either that's for sure (if you let john close to your head with scissors, well— it's your funeral, man)

this is completely projecting and also like totally Useless but I just think it would be funny if Dave has exploding head syndrome. if you donf know what that is it's a phenomenon-or-something where right when you're dropping off to sleep your brain just liek idk gets bored I guess? and comes up with some phantom Loud Noises to startle the shit out of you. it's great! and by 'great' I mean terribly annoying! but in general I think Dave is a Very restless sleeper so him suddenly flinching himself awake isnt exactly Abnormal.

amy sleeps like a normal human being Mostly, I think she Might be one of those sorts who likes to sleep curled up in the fetal position which is so very valid. she gets night terrors sometimes though because ✨trauma✨. the best way to comfort her with that is a tight hug cause I feel like her Main fear would be that shes all alone again and a hug sure does help people feel less alone I think,

john either starfishes out when he sleeps (also I headcanon he likes to sleep at least Partially on top of Dave and Dave only pretends to hate it) or grabs hold of something and clings to it tightly. hes a very light sleeper, though, and snaps awake at any loud noise or especially if he gets bumped into too strongly. this doesn't always play well with Dave's restlessness and tendency to Sleep Fight but they manage.

I feel like its fairly common to Assume john has tattoos but specifically I feel like a lot of his tattoos are things he or his friends have drawn, I wrote about it Once Or Twice but maybe not here so I'll just like say it again, I think he asks his friends to draw shit on him then goes and gets it tattooed later (or, hell, right then and there lmao) and it's like a Mark of Friendship. he claims Dave has drawn the most on him because Dave's his best friend but whether or not that's true, who knows. the first one was from Dave, though, and john did it himself stick-and-poke style the night of. that happened while they were still in high school and Dave was actually Slightly Embarrassed because what he doodled was just like really stupid looking and fuckin hell john now you're gonna have that on you forever what the hell man? but the rest of John's tattoos, if not done by friends they're either things he drew (I maintain he still draws in his downtime I love the idea of artistically talented john so much-) or weird shit he found online.

I honestly didnt think Dave would really get tattoos because he does state hes afraid of needles BUT as someone Also afraid of needles who paradoxically wants tattoos .. he could probably power through it and get like A Few. one of them is from John (stick-and-poke style, again,) and I am Not actually sure how many hed have but definitely less than John. amy only has that one tattoo that I keep forgetting when I draw her godfuckendammit-

John is the one who makes the most Food Monstrosities (Dave barely even bothers to cook) and he does this by making just the worst decisions both technical-wise (as in, hes Definitely the "just turn the oven temperature up to speedrun cooking" kind of guy) and taste-wise. dave on the other hand is likely to make terrible drinks like jack daniels + mountain dew which my buddy Ben so fantastically dubbed "jack and piss." the sheer Concept of jack daniels + mtn dew tho is thanks to that one kurtis conner video about becoming a country boy which is entirely unrelated but everyone needs to know. ANYWAY.

john and Amy like playing pranks on each other (and dave). they're in an ongoing low-key prank war and Dave is Mostly just spectating but sometiems they Conspire to commit mischief against him. it's annoying sometimes but ultimately more endearing than it is annoying so he never gets Too mad.

john and Amy absolutely have Gaming Nights(tm) that sometimes include dave as well unless they wanna play some like fps game, I'm fairly sure hes said he doesnt really like those. but they also can get Competetive which, dave tends to act as a bit of a buffer to keep them from getting Too into it ... but sometimes he gets a little competitive too. what I'm trying to say is them playing mario kart is absolute chaos and also an event i woudl buy tickets to

john has a youtube channel for sure. he is So obnoxious. he hardly has any audience because let's be honest his videos kind of suck— they're all either kinda boring vlogs or him recording the cases he and Dave go on (when he can convince Dave to let him) which are almost always declared Fake by the commenters. amy is subscribed to him. dave probably doesnt even have/use his own YouTube channel so he was not subscribed until john stole his phone and did it for him. (he never watches the videos) the videos are not edited much, I dont think any of them really knows too much about video editing shit.

dave cant fuckin do math.

John and Dave do Not know how to handle crying. like Dave's learned what helps Amy, in specific, but anybody else? clueless. Dave also just does not cry very often in general (shut up lemme project again LMAO-) and tends to just refrain from doing it even if he wants to/probably should, rarely ever actually breaking down and letting it all out; he'll stop himself from getting there/even crying much in the first place. he doesn't exactly have a Reason for it or at least not one he can recite (it's the bullying. we dont get details of how that was beyond The Locker Room Incident which I wont go into but I'm just going to project the rest of it was similar to shit I went through, It's The Bullying). John also kinda Doesn't Cry and actually hes even more restrained about it than Dave, because he won't even cry around either of them if he can avoid it and if it happens he 1) will Not address it, 2) prefers no one else acknowledge it, and 3) will Run The Fuck Away if it's acknowledged. they both try Really Really Hard to help amy when shes crying though, if shes crying for a Big Reason, cause they both also understand she just cries easily and doesnt always need or want comfort.

that,s all for now BUT if I come up with mroe. there will be a reblog. also these are not all like "I am the only one who's ever tho ig ht this" or w/e a lot of them are from me talking with other people or Absorbing much older posts on here because I read Everuthing I can find.

I sure hope I can sleep soon, this is probably mostly incoherent. gnight

[langdvnshepherd]

Good For You ~ Part 4 (Duncan Shepherd x fem!reader)

PART ONE ~ PART TWO ~ PART THREE

Summary: You’re a broke ass college student whose one night stand with the infamous Duncan Shepherd leads to the development of a rather interesting relationship between the two of you. — Duncan puts you in an uncomfortable situation that leaves you torn between confessing your truth or walking away from it all.

Word Count: 9.8k (I’m sooo sorry omg)

Warnings: sugar daddy!Duncan, fem!reader, angst, smut, fingering, oral (female receiving), daddy kink

A/N: Sorry it took so long, but here it is! The final chapter (blowing nose emoji). It’s long as hell so I’m kinda sorry about that, but I just had a lot I wanted to include! Also even though it’s deadass like a novel, I still feel like I kinda rushed it?? idk lmk your thoughts I guess. I’ve loved writing this series and I’m sad to see it go, but it’s definitely time to move on lmao. I want to give another shoutout to @avesatanormalpeoplescareme for the inspiration for this chapter you truly saved my life again! Also to @belusima (she doesn’t know it but I left her a lil surprise in here hehehe). I barely proofread this and wrote most of it literally at 5 o’clock this morning so if you notice any major mistakes pls don’t roast me. Thank you all so much for the notes and kind words regarding this fic and my other work! I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. (gif credit to m-langdon666)

     Three aggressively persistent knocks on your door sent you jolting out of bed one morning. It was early, at least to you. Maybe your roommate stayed out last night and was finally coming home, but other than that you had no idea who could possibly need your attention at this hour. Rising from your bed with a loud yawn and stretch, you reluctantly made your way out of bed and towards the door of your tiny apartment. You must not have been moving fast enough for their liking, because three more rattles on the cracked paint of your front door echoed throughout the apartment not long after the first.

     “I’m coming! Jesus,” you muttered, picking up your pace and swiftly running to the door. As you passed the mirror in your hallway, you catch a glimpse of your current state: hair knotted from tossing side to side on your pillow, eyelids puffy from sleep, nipples peaking through the thin fabric of your thin, ratty university t-shirt in the cool air of your apartment. Definitely not presentable by any means, but whoever was beating on your door at this ungodly hour needs your attention and they need it now.

     Fully expecting to see your roommate on the other side, you unlatched the chain lock and forcefully flung the door open. She was really in for it thinking she could stay out all night and come home whenever she pleased, waking up the entire building as she did. Ready to lecture her about leaving her keys at home and the danger she puts herself in by partying through the morning at frat houses, you were instead greeted by a different set of eyes. 

     “Duncan?”

     The morning sun pierced through the shade of aqua, turning them an almost glacier-blue shade in the light. He had one arm propped against the door frame, the other rubbing against on the scruff on his neck. Clad head to toe in the most expensive black coat and pants money could buy, he looked so obscure standing in the doorway of your tiny, run-down apartment building. But nonetheless, he looked perfect. Upon hearing your voice, he perked up instantly and the word vomit began.

     “Y/N. Is this a good time?” The way his leg was anxiously twitching made you think his question was more of a courtesy, and that he was coming in whether you responded or not. 

     “Uhh,” looking down at your bare feet and legs, you crossed your arms across your chest hoping to mask your horrendous appearance from Duncan as much as possible, “Yeah, come in.” You stepped away from the entrance and he swiftly entered your living room, making sure to shut and lock the door behind him.

     “I’m about to ask you to do something, and I need you to help me out. Okay?” In this moment, both you and Duncan realized he had never been inside of your apartment. He took in the setup before him, recognizing pieces scattered throughout the space that he had purchased for you. An Oscar de la Renta coat hanging on the rack by the door, your Macbook resting open on the side table by the sofa, the high-end coffee maker he’d sent you after casually mentioned your old one had finally bit the bullet. It looked exactly the way he’d pictured it, bits and pieces of luxury scattered amongst the dingy, outdated furniture and appliances.

     “Okayy?” you responded, although it came out as more of a question than an answer. You’d never seen Duncan look so distraught before. He was pacing back and forth like he might explode if he stood in place for too long.

     “I got a phone call this morning,” he began. “Apparently, the lady in charge of our family’s finances saw my bank statement from our little... trip to Paris and got suspicious. She went digging and found everything. For whatever fucking reason, she took it upon herself to alert my mother. Thought maybe my card got stolen or something. Why she thought that was my mother’s business I have no fucking clue. So, I have spent the better half of this morning trying to make sure my mother didn’t have a stroke from how mad she was when she found out." Blood rushed to his face as he babbled on, his neck turning an irritated shade of pink. 

     You stood there, leaning against the arm of the sofa, legs crossed in front of you, still holding your arms in front of your chest. You were trying to process what Duncan had just said, but you were still fairly confused. His mother had found out about you. Did this mean he came here to call it off? Why would she be mad? Duncan is a grown man that can spend his money as he pleases.

     “And sooo what is it that you need me to do exactly?” 

     Duncan took a deep breath before finally turning to face you head on. He had been too apprehensive to look you in the eyes from the minute he walked into your living room. “She backed me into a corner. She kept asking if I’m being blackmailed for money or if I’ve been hiring hookers and I didn’t really know how to explain it to her without it being completely fucking embarrassing so I just told her that I’ve been seeing someone. Then she freaked out. Said she wanted to meet whoever it was. Told me to bring them to the event we’re having this weekend.”

     You cocked your eyebrow at him, still not understanding.

     “Y/N, I wouldn’t be here this early in the morning if it wasn’t important. I need you to go to that event with me...and pretend we’re together. Just for my mother’s sake. We don’t have to stay long, just long enough to say a couple words to her. Prove that you’re real. Then we can go and I’ll never ask you to do something like this ever again. Whatever you want, consider it yours. I just need you to do this. For me.” The pleading look in Duncan’s eyes was almost comical. He was scared of his mother. It was clear at that moment that he cared way too much about what his mother thinks for someone his age. For what reason, you weren’t sure.

     “I...uh...wow, Duncan.” You felt a twinge in your stomach that was hard to explain. Maybe it was just nerves from having all of this sprung on you just moments after waking up, or maybe it was because the thought of pretending to be Duncan Shepherd’s girlfriend for a night was enough to make you hurl. Your feelings about Duncan were becoming harder and harder to ignore since Paris, and you weren’t sure how doing this would make you feel afterward.

     “I’m not sure I can...I don’t know if-”

     “I know. I fucked up. But please don’t make me beg.” It felt like he was staring into your soul. He had never looked this desperate in the entire time you’d known him. You really wanted to be hesitant, to say no. It wasn’t a good idea, it didn’t do anything to help your situation. But who were you kidding, he could have asked anything of you, and you would have come running.

     “Yeah, sure. Whatever. Just tell me what I need to do and I’ll be there.”

     Duncan let out a loud sigh and closed his eyes in relief. “Thank you. I’ll take care of everything. I’ll have someone drop off a dress, just be ready by 7 on Saturday.”

     “Okay,” you replied, unsure of saying anything else.

     “Okay,” he repeated, satisfied with your compliance. “I’ll see you then.” Duncan approached you, taking your elbows in his hands. It was a gentle, gesture of gratitude, but it made your stomach flip.

     “Thank you. Again. I mean it.” He rubbed circles on your arms as he spoke. You looked up to meet his eyes once again, his gaze making your heart rate skyrocket. 

     You nodded in response, casually rolling your shoulders to shake yourself out of Duncan’s grasp. He took this as an opportunity to leave, making his way towards the door as his dress shoes tapped against the vinyl floor. He turned his back to take one last look at you before leaving.

     “See ya,” you called out. The corners of his mouth turned up slightly, a slight smile appearing on his face.

     “Bye, Y/N,” he all but whispered as he shut the door behind him and went about his day.

-

     You sat in the limo more or less pondering your entire life, and how you’d ended up in this situation. If you would have told yourself 5 years ago, hell, even a year ago that you’d be in this position, you’d laugh at how insane you sounded. Not only had you accidentally found a sugar daddy, if that’s what you want to call it, but you’d also managed to catch feelings for him. Where he once was nothing more than a business arrangement, he now encompassed nearly your every thought. 

     There was a war going on inside your brain. Part of you wanted things to go back to the way they were when Duncan called on you once a week to fuck and sent you expensive gifts afterward. No strings attached, just fucking. The other part of you wanted clarity, to know how Duncan felt. If you confessed your feelings, would Duncan reciprocate? Could the two of you actually be together? If you weren’t on the same page, would he break it off? Cut you out of his life and leave you a broke, struggling college student? 

     The conversation you had with your roommate just minutes before Duncan arrived in the limo echoed in the back of your mind.

     “You HAVE to tell him how you feel,” she exclaimed, with a little more sass than you were expecting.

     “It’s not that simple!” you argued back. 

     You had finally let her in on everything that had happened with Duncan. The incident with the frat boy, the trip to Paris, that drunken night, the stolen glances, the event you were about to attend and pretend to be his girlfriend for the night. She was convinced Duncan felt the same way you did, but you weren’t sold on the idea.

     “But it is though! Come on, Y/N. What you said makes perfect sense. He likes you. He has to. When all of this shit started, it was strictly business. I remember. But now he’s acting all weird and shit and it just doesn’t add up. He either likes you or he’s been buttering you up to kill you this entire time.”

     “That’s not funny.”

     “Yeah, well, neither are you with your little ‘poor me’ attitude. You should just tell him how you feel. What’s the worst thing that would happen? He doesn’t feel the same, and he breaks it off. I highly doubt you would ever run into him again. Plus, think about what would happen if he liked you too. You wouldn’t have to hide in his apartment or in hotel rooms every night. You could actually spend time with him outside of the pillow talk you have right before you leave. And I mean I know this might be a sensitive subject buuttttt...imagine all of the shit he would buy you if you were actually dating. I mean we’re probably talki-”

     “Okay, that’s enough. Thanks. I get it.” Her rambling made you feel ill. Maybe she had a point. For something that started out so harmless, it was now eating you alive. “I just don’t see it ever working out. I’m a college student who barely has her shit together and he’s apparently a member of the most influential fucking family in America besides the goddamn president. We don’t go together,” you babbled, emphasizing your points with elaborate hand gestures.

     “Tell you what,” your roommate started, “This...event? Is it?” You gave her a confirming nod from your place at the end of your bed. “Okay, so if you’re pretending to be Duncan’s girlfriend tonight, why don’t you just multitask and figure out whether or not you’d even want to be with him? You’ll be out with him in public, where everyone can see. You’re getting to meet his mother. It’ll be like you’re actually together. If it goes well and you could see yourself doing something like this again, you should tell him how you feel. If you hate it, you should break it off. You shouldn’t let a man take up this much of your time if he’s making you feel like this.”

     Damn, why was she always right?

     A gentle squeeze on your kneecap drew you from your thoughts. You looked up to see Duncan staring at you from his side of the limo with concern washed over his features.

     “You okay?” he asked. “You’re looking a little spaced out.”

     “Yeah,” you enthusiastically nodded, hoping to put up a persuasive front and not let Duncan know the internal chaos going on in your body. “Just a little nervous.”

     “Me too. It shouldn’t be that bad though. Don’t worry about it too much. I’ll try to do most of the talking. My mother will probably ask you what you do or what your thoughts are about the wine selection. Whatever you do, just try not to mention the...nature of our relationship.” 

     And what exactly is the nature of our relationship? you thought to yourself.

     You absentmindedly picked at the beading on your gown as the limo ascended the winding, cobblestone driveway of the venue. It was a country club of some sorts, so you were dressed to the nines. The dress Duncan had picked out for you was modest enough to meet his mother in, yet showed off just enough skin to still make you feel sexy. 

    Duncan seemed to think so too, given that his eyes nearly fell out of his head when he picked you up at your apartment building. He knew he had good taste, but he was always taken back by how beautiful you looked.

     As the limo came to a halt, Duncan was the first out. He quickly straightened out his suit and made his way over to your side of the car, opening the door for you like the gentleman he was.

      “Ready?” he questioned, placing both of his hands on your shoulders to smooth out the creases in your gown from the ride over. It was a gentle and soothing gesture that made your heart beat in your ears.

      You looked him up and down one last time before looping your arm around his. He looked perfect, as always. Dressed in all black, and not a hair on his curly head out of place. It was styled differently this time, quaffed back instead of resting to the side. His scruff had been cleaned up around the edges, meaning he was really trying to make an impression on his mother with you by his side.

      “Ready.”

      You joined Duncan at the elbow and waltzed into the french doors of one of the largest country clubs you’ve ever seen, unsure of where the night would lead you.

-

     The ballroom of the country club must have been bigger than your entire childhood home. The ceilings felt like they were 50 feet high, and there was a waiter stationed at least every 10 steps to cater to your every need. Duncan escorted you straight to the bar, claiming that you both needed at least one drink before doing anything or speaking to anyone.

     He was nervous like you, and you could tell, but of course, he had different reasons. It was clear by the way he acted in your apartment that he cared a great deal what his mother thought of him, and impressing her was on the top of his list. Maybe she’d have his ass for spending so much money on a young girl such as yourself, but you still couldn’t wrap your head around it as to how that could be. You’d settled on the idea that perhaps he just had a close relationship with his mother, and that he’d do anything to stay in her good graces.

     As you nursed the cocktail Duncan had ordered for you (Which was fucking incredible by way. Why was he so good at everything?), your eyes wandered around the spacious room. There had to have been at least 200 people in the room, and more than a handful of them were familiar faces. You’d read about them, learned about them in class. They were infamous lobbyists, members of Congress, even a member of the Presidental Cabinet you’d managed to pick out amongst the crowd. This was his circle, the big dogs he ran with. You began to feel extremely overwhelmed and claustrophobic, the energy of the room becoming overbearing. How could you ever be with Duncan when this is what he did for a living?

     Just as you were about to excuse yourself to the bathroom for a proper panic session, Duncan’s grip on your arm tightened exponentially. Turning to him to see what was wrong, you noticed a small-framed, brunette woman making her way towards you with an ear-to-ear grin plastered on her face.

     “Well, well, well. Look who decided to finally show up!” The woman took both sides of Duncan’s face in her hands and pressed short, brief kisses on each of his cheeks. You weren’t sure who she was, but you had the inkling this was the woman of the hour. The one you’d been waiting to meet. Although she didn’t resemble Duncan in the slightest, the way Duncan’s jaw was tightened and the short breaths he was taking made you certain that she was an important figure.

     “Hi, mom,” the words slipped past his lips, almost in a mumble.

     “I was beginning to think I’d never find you in this place! You know I really like this venue, I think we should keep it in-“ by this time she was rambling about things beyond your grasp of knowledge. Something about the app you’d heard Duncan mention plenty of times before but could never wrap your head around, something about crowd-funding and one specific congressman you’d heard about from a tax-evasion scandal on tv. It sent you further into your spiral of anxiety. It must have been pretty obvious, because Duncan then unthreaded his arm from yours and moved it to rest on your hip, pulling you closer towards him to steady your shaking. He ran his hand up and down your side against the embellished fabric, it was calming to you but it was more for himself at that moment. He was nodding at every word that left his mother’s mouth, even though he could barely focus on her words himself.

     “-anyways. Enough of all of that. Were you going to introduce me or were you just gonna let her stand there all night with her hip glued to yours?”

     Your stomach dropped as you peered up at the woman. She was looking you up and down, taking in your form. You checked yourself one more time, making sure you hadn’t spilled something on your elaborate gown or had lipstick in your teeth. This was it. Time to put on a show.

     “Mom, this is Y/N.” Duncan’s features softened slightly as the mention of your name, a smile ghosting over his lips. He continued to run his hands up and down your side as he introduced you, a crutch for both you and him.

     “It’s lovely to meet you, Miss Y/N. I hope you’re finding this evening to be worth your while. We put a lot of work into this event, so I hope everyone has a good time.” She extended her hand to you, and you reciprocated, giving her a firm shake.

     “This place is incredible, Ms. Shepherd. Thank you so much for inviting me,” you stated in the most uppity voice you could manage. A beauty pageant smile adorned your face, sure to fool anyone.

     “Oh please, call me Annette!” She placed her hand over heart in exclamation.

     “Well, it’s great to finally meet you, Annette.” Duncan watched the two of you interact intently, ready to interject at the split second something could go wrong.

     “Duncan’s not told me much about you. What you do? Where are you from? Tell me all about yourself! You’ve got to be some kind of special if Duncan’s spending more money on you than he is on himself.”

     She wasn’t nearly as intimidating as you’d imagined. Sure, you were nervous as hell that she’d ask you a personal question about Duncan you didn’t know the answer to, and you were nervous about the decision you’d have to make by the end of the night (to confront him about your feelings or walk away from it all), but there was nothing about this woman that was particularly menacing.

     You cut your eyes to Duncan before parting your lips to speak. He gave your side a quick squeeze, letting you know you were going to be fine.

     “I, umm...I’m a student at Georgetown. I grew up kinda far away from here actually. I don’t have any family here or anything-“

     “That’s actually how we met, isn’t it, Y/N? At Georgetown? That symposium about higher education and research?” The cock of his eyebrow pleading for you to catch the hint.

     “Yeah, it was,” you shot him another glance and a toothy smile, slowly becoming more comfortable in Annette’s presence thanks to Duncan.

     “Aren’t you two just the cutest!?” Annette professed. “If I remember correctly, that symposium was forever ago. How come I’m only just now finding out about you?”

     Both you and Duncan swallowed the lump in your throat. You racked your brain for an excuse, anything to get her off this line of questioning. Thank god for Duncan’s smooth tongue, because you were at a loss for words.

     “We’ve just been taking it slow. Didn’t want to rush anything. We’re both pretty busy so we just haven’t really had the time to take any extra steps.” He spoke so calmly as if he’d been practicing how he would answer this exact question. He was her son, after all, surely he was aware of the kinds of things she’d be asking about.

     “Well, I hope you can make it out to another event soon. I think there’s a gala in the works for next month. Or maybe you can convince Duncan to come back to his mother’s house and we can have a proper get-together over a nice dinner. He never comes to see me outside of work anymore. I’m sure you’re busy with school, but I’d love to see more of you,” Annette gave an earnest smile to the two of you.

     “Of course, I’d love that,” you flashed your pearly whites at Annette and looked up one more time at Duncan. His face had completely softened when looking into your eyes. You caught a flicker of a spark behind his ocean blue’s, unsure of what it meant.

     “If you guys don’t mind, I actually just spotted one of the potential top donors for tonight. I’m gonna squeeze on by and say hello before he gets too drunk and has to be escorted out,” Annette tensed up in amusement and disappeared in the masses.

     Duncan exhaled audibly as soon as she went out of his line of vision. He turned to face you, now resting both hands at your hips.

     “Thank you. So much.”

     “No problem. It wasn’t that bad. She’s not nearly as terrifying as you made her out to be,” you said with a few chuckled in between sentences. You really didn’t know why Duncan made her out to be this big, bad, scary monster. She behaved like any other mother would in her situation. She hardly batted an eyelash when you told her you were still in school, and didn’t ask anything that was particularly worrisome. There was nothing out of the ordinary of her in your eyes. As far as you were concerned, she seemed pretty satisfied.  

     “Yeah, well, maybe if she raised you you’d know how hard it is to make her happy. She was either lying her ass off just then, or she was actually impressed. I genuinely don’t think she was lying, didn’t see any of her tell-tale signs, but then again she never fails to surprise me,” a blush covered Duncan’s cheeks and he scratched the back of his neck as he spoke.

     You quietly nodded back at him, unsure of how to respond.

     “Anyways, how about we actually enjoy ourselves now that my mother is under control? I can show you around if you’d like.”

     “Sounds like a wonderful idea.”

-

     How you’d ended up outdoors, propped against the lip of an Olympic-sized, cascading water fountain was beyond you. To your chagrin, Duncan excused himself to talk to one of his business partners, claiming he’d only be a second. Seconds turned to minutes, and by now it must have been about 15 since he’d left your side. You took a couple turns down a never-ending hallway and somehow managed to find the doors leading to the garden. There were topiaries galore, and greenery covering nearly every square inch of the back yard. It was peaceful compared to the medley of booming voices indoors. 

     You took some time to reflect on the night, weighing out the pros and cons of what you were going to do. You hadn’t forgotten the way Duncan had been looking at you all night, it almost resembled the way you look at him. His eyes flutter like he was looking at something precious. The way he always kept one hand on you at all times was not unlost on you either. You wanted to believe it was genuine, but you had convinced yourself it was all part of his act. To sell this fake relationship to his mother and to everyone else in the room. 

     On the other hand, you were actually having a fun night. Duncan had led you throughout the country club, showing you the various rooms whilst talking shit about almost everyone in attendance. When you went back for more drinks, you caught Annette’s eye again. She gave you a cheerful wave and tilted her glass of wine towards you. You’d even introduced yourself to your favorite journalist, gushing over her latest work. 

     Your pondering was cut short when you heard the rustling of bushes not far from where you were resting. You were about to have company or you were about to be brutally murdered by some creep that had been hiding out. 

     When your vision cleared, you realized it was a man. He looked vaguely familiar from far away, maybe he was another famous public figure that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. He was dressed in a tuxedo, and his swagger was way too arrogant for your taste. Whoever he was, he was coming your way. You weren’t prepared for what was about to happen next.

     “Y/N? Is that you?” 

     His voice immediately sent shivers down your spine. You knew exactly who this man was. The two of you had a history, and not a good one. A few months before you met Duncan at the hotel bar, you’d had a little rendezvous with him. A couple times actually. Like Duncan, he had coaxed you back to the hotel more than once. You abruptly cut it off after finding out about his backwards, conservative rhetoric. You discovered via the internet that he was everything you despised, and you couldn’t even stand to look him in the eyes. He was a higher up for some media company that had tried to win you over multiple times by bragging about how much money he had. You never accepted a dime apart from the drinks he’d let you run up on his tab. He was repulsive, which you had told him the night you broke it off. It ended in him calling you a gold-digging whore that cared about no one but herself. Definitely not a ladies man to say the least. 

     You weren’t sure how to react, so you stayed put, straightening out the bottom of your gown that had been folded under your legs. Why the fuck was he even here? Of all of the people you could have run into, of course, it had to be him. 

     “Should have known you would have found your way into one of these. Tons of rich guys you can fuck around with and use for your own benefit,” he scoffed, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his coat. He smelled like bourbon, and you could see the drunken blush that covered his entire face even from the faint glow of the water fountain lights.

     “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You kept your eyes glued to your heels, praying for him to walk away or for someone to come to your rescue.

     “Oh come on, Y/N. We both know that’s not true.”

     “You’re just mad that I refused to blow you after I found out your company is one of the top donors to the NRA,” you fired back. “Plus, it’s not like I was missing out on anything special when I called it off.”

     His jaw clenched, clearly infuriated. You realized maybe it wasn’t the best idea to get into it with a grown man that was at least a head taller than you outside, in the dark, where no one could see or hear. When he took another step towards you, you flinched.

     “Listen here, you fucking slut-”

     “Y/N?!”

     You had never been more thankful to hear Duncan’s voice in your entire life. He all but broke out into a sprint trying to reach you. Mumbling a quick, “Thank god,” to yourself, Duncan finally caught up to you.

     “I’ve been looking everywhere for you! I was starting to think you ditched me or something,” Duncan said with a hearty chuckle.

     “No fucking way. You’re here with Shepherd?!” the man beside you ragged. Duncan hadn’t paid any attention to him until just then. 

     “Do you two know each other, Y/N?” Duncan looked at you both with raised eyebrows and his lips turned down in disgust.

     “Umm...we-” you started, scrambling to find the right words.

     “We do. Quite well, actually,” said the foul man cut you off. “You better watch your back around her, Dunc. She’s trouble. Only cares about herself. She’s nothing but a gold-digging whore that’ll leave you high and dry after she gets what she needs. I’ve seen her do it, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she’ll do it again.” 

     He jabbed his finger at you aggressively as he spoke, like he intended to shove you back. Before he got any closer, Duncan was immediately in-between the two of you. Duncan’s nostrils flared and his chest was poking out, mere seconds from snapping. 

     "Duncan, can we please just go,” you whispered from behind him.

     Duncan looked over his shoulder at you, giving you a brief head nod. 

     “You should probably get the fuck out of here,” Duncan spat at the man. “Unless you want your face plastered on the cover of every fucking newspaper in D.C., I suggest you never show your face to me ever again. The press loves a juicy story, and I’d be glad to give them one that’ll burn your company to the fucking ground.”

     He gave Duncan one last snarl before stomping off in defeat like a dog with its tail between its legs. When he was gone, Duncan gripped you by the elbow and led you out of the backyard, going around the side of the building instead of through the inside. He was quiet the whole time, and you were scared to know why.

-

     The car ride was silent, for the most part. Duncan revealed he went to the same university as the man from earlier. They were rivals, always going for each other’s throats whenever it was possible. Aside from that, not much else was said. You could tell Duncan was bothered by what happened, but you didn’t know if it was directed at you or the man. He kept rubbing his hands up his cheeks and jaw and had his body turned away from you, leaning on the window. 

     You had to face the music. After everything that just happened, was tonight the best time to confess your feelings? Were you even certain about what you wanted anymore? Sure, Duncan was great, but could you keep up with his lifestyle? The confrontation between you and the media mogul caused you enough anxiety to last a lifetime, and you certainly never wanted to have to do that shit ever again. 

     You’d told yourself the same thing one million times before. He’s a grown man, it would logistically never work out. Especially after this. 

     “Duncan,” you started, ready to shatter your hopes and dreams.

     He turned in your direction, the same, exhausted look on his face.

     “I don’t think this is gonna work out.”

     “What do you mean?” he asked, his facial expression quickly changing to one of confusion.

     “This. Us. All of it. I don’t want to do it anymore,” each word out of your mouth wedged the blade deeper and deeper into your chest.

     Duncan just stared at you, his face unreadable. His chest began to move more rapidly, but he stayed quiet. The silence lasted what felt like an eternity, damn near making you want to jump out of the moving limo.

     “Say something, Duncan. Please,” you pleaded.

     “Guess he was right, huh?” Duncan’s voice was low, like he was trying to steady himself without cracking.

     “What?”

     “That guy. When he said you take what you want and then you leave. You’re doing it right now. Aren’t you? You got what you wanted. The money, the clothes, the trips. You got caught, and now you’re running.”

     You couldn’t do anything but stare at Duncan with your mouth agape. He was really accusing you of being a gold-digger. If he only knew you stopped caring about the money months ago.

     “Are you fucking serious? You don’t actually believe what that piece of shit said, do you? You said it yourself, he’s a narcissistic asshole. He was fucking lying.” You argued, highly offended that Duncan would even say such a thing.

     “Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I can never figure you out. One minute it’s like you couldn’t care less about me, the next you look at me like you want something way more than a fuck. I’m not sure I can handle any more either.”

     There it was. The twist of the knife. It was ironic, really. Under any other circumstances, you might have thought Duncan was confessing his feelings for you. What he had just said was a mirror image of your inner thoughts, how you’ve been feeling about him for months. But the way he said it was so condescending, so hurtful, that you knew that wasn’t the case. He wanted nothing to do with you anymore.

     A stray tear managed to slide down your cheek, which you quickly wiped away with the flick of your finger.

     “Okay then,” you sighed, truly devastated that the man you had grown to care about so deeply thought so poorly of you. “Anything else you wanna add? Any more bullshit you wanna spew before you never hear from me again?”

     Duncan could barely hold eye contact with you. He was just as crushed as you were, only you didn’t know it. He kept his head tilted down, opting for silence.

     “Stop the car, please!” you called to the driver. 

     “Y/N, what are you doing?” Duncan rolled his eyes at you.

     “Going home. I don’t want to be in the car with you anymore.”

     The limo’s brakes screeched as the driver veered off to the sidewalk of the busy street. You gathered the bottom of your heavy gown in your hands and shoved your body out of the vehicle.

     “Y/N, stop being stupid. It’s late, it’s not safe. Let me drop you off, please,” Duncan called from the rolled-down window of the limo.

     “I’ll figure it out, Duncan. I’m not your responsibility anymore” you fired back. “You don’t have to ‘take care’ of me. I was fine before you, and I’ll be fine after you.”

     Your heels clanked against the uneven pavement as you walked away from Duncan and all of the baggage that came with him. In the heat of the moment, you were too fired up to not rub it in his face one last time how wrong he was. You turned back to see the limo still parked on the sidewalk, Duncan watching you. Perfect. Trudging back over to the car, you gave Duncan one last piece of your mind.

     “And by the way, asshole, I never did ANY of this for the money.”

     Adrenaline coursed through your veins, making you too wired to wait for Duncan’s reaction. You barged off into the dark of the city, this horrible, humiliating night being the only way you would remember Duncan for a long time.

-

     Months had passed since you had removed Duncan from your life. There wasn’t much left of your time together, your roommate insisted the two of you burn most of the shit he had bought you, lingerie included. 

     You did keep some things, however. Without Duncan’s money, you were back to being strapped for cash and trying your hardest to hit overtime at the coffee shop. You couldn’t afford to go out and buy a new laptop or replace the coffee maker, so he still popped into your mind from time to time. 

     School was going great, to your surprise. You were on track to graduate in just a handful of weeks, had good grades, and a positive outlook on your future. You even got accepted to conduct research with the head of your department in grad school next semester, which is how you’d once again ended up at that damned hotel for another university sanctioned gala in honor of their top students.

     You clung to the wall with your eyes peeled for Duncan. You weren’t going to let him sneak up on you like he had done all of those months before. You’d triple checked the pamphlet for tonight’s event, The Shepherd Freedom Foundation was the featured guest speaker for tonight, so you knew either him or Annette would be making an appearance. The particular corner you had set up base in gave you the perfect view of the entire ballroom, so you were sure to catch Duncan the second he entered the room.

-

     It wasn’t Duncan, nor was it Annette that took the stage. It was some man you’d never seen or heard Duncan ever talk about, so you were relieved, to say the least. Settling on the idea that Duncan had ditched tonight, you could finally let out the breath you’d been holding in ever since you waltzed through the revolving doors of the lobby.

     The gala had slowed, guests clearing out, music dying down. You found it best to leave, but not before heading to the bathroom one last time. The restrooms in the train station were filthy, and you wouldn’t be caught dead using one of them. 

     On your way out, you bumped chests with someone. Hard. The force sent both of you flying back at least a foot or two.

     “Holy shit. I am SO sorry,” you called out, still not being able to see properly.

     “It’s fine. I should have been watching where I was goi-”

     You tilted your head up, wondering why the stranger had stopped talking so suddenly.

     “Duncan,” you puffed. Of fucking course. Just as you thought you’d made it out unscathed.

     “Y/N.” Duncan looked like he had seen a ghost. “How have you been?”

     “Why do you care? I thought you couldn’t ‘handle me’ anymore. Isn’t that what you said?” you smarted off.

     “Please don’t be like this,” Duncan started, already tired of your attitude. “If you have a minute, I’d love to talk to you about that night. There are some things I need to get off my chest.”

     “Duncan, I really don’t have a minute. Save it, honestly. I got your message the first time. No need to rub it in again.”

     “That’s not it, Y/N. I want to apologize. I was a dick. For no reason. Come up to my room and give me 20 minutes to explain myself. That’s all I’m asking for.”

    You were ready to thwart him off again, hurl another insult at him. But the look on his face, the sincerity, made you hesitate. “It really isn’t worth it,” you thought to yourself, but seeing Duncan in the flesh opened the floodgates, your heart swelling full of emotion once more. Even if nothing came of what Duncan had to say, knowing you let him speak his mind made you think there could finally be some kind of clarity.

-

     An overwhelming feeling of deja-vu consumed you. You felt like you’d been in this exact position, better yet, you knew you had been in this exact position before. Leaning against the sturdy dresser of the hotel room while Duncan sat in the armchair in the corner of the room by the window. Only the last time, it was under completely different circumstances.

     “You wanted to apologize, right? I’m listening,” you didn’t have long until the trains stopped running, so 20 minutes was really all you had. 

     “Y/N...What I said to you that night. Was shitty. Uncalled for. I shouldn’t have let what that guy said get to me, but I did. You’re right, he is a narcissistic asshole. I know you would never do something like that. He was just jealous. Always has been ever since I can remember.”

     “No shit, Duncan. If you would have let me talk that night, I would have told you the truth. He never bought me anything besides drinks. That’s it. I called it off because he’s as disgusting as you said he is. I’ve never gone as far with anyone as I have with you.”

     “I know,” Duncan whispered. His nerves were building, you could sense it from the slight changes in his composure that you once picked up on all that time ago.

     “Then why did you do it?” you grilled at him.

     Duncan was quiet again, staring at his feet.

     “Duncan? Hello??” 

     He finally looked up at you, his eyes glassy and lashes fluttering to ward off tears.

     “Did you mean it when you said you never did this for the money?”

     Duncan got up from his seat and made his way over to you, your heart rate skyrocketing. You guessed now was as good as it was going to get if you were going to finally tell him how you’d felt about him for the back half of the time you were together.

     “Yeah, I did. At first, I didn’t mind it. The lingerie was nice, but I stopped caring about everything about halfway through. Paris is what kinda did me in. Every call, every trip. I just showed up for you. You could’ve cut me off from everythingand I still would have been at your door in a heartbeat. I never said anything, because I was never sure how you would react. I was more comfortable putting on a front than potentially ruining what we had. But I don’t really know why I’m telling you all of this. It’s not like it matters anymo-”

     You were cut off by Duncan smashing his lips against yours. Immediately, his scent, his taste, the feeling of his hands on the sides of your neck, it was completely overbearing. You hadn’t realized how much you’d missed kissing him until now. The faint taste of liquor always on the back of his tongue, the way he tugged at your bottom lip with his teeth in a way that was rough, but just the way you liked it. When he drew back, you were breathless, your lips tingling from the stimulation.

     Duncan rested his forehead against yours, hands still holding on to either side of your face.

     “Y/N I think I’m in love with you.”

     Spots clouded your vision. This whole time, you’d torn yourself up over the idea that Duncan could never care about you in the way you felt for him. You were sure of it. You’d said it over and over, at least a hundred times.

     “Duncan-”

    “I’m serious. I never realized it until you were gone. I was raised on the premise that money solves all problems. That money gets you what you want. I’m not good at communicating how I feel. I was taught to manipulate and to lie from the time I could speak full sentences. I thought that if I kept buying you shit, you’d stay. That any form of intimacy was good enough, even if it meant nothing to you. But it meant something to me. It always did. I just never thought that I’d end up caring about you this much.”

     You weren’t aware of the tears littering your cheeks until Duncan swiped them away with his thumbs. There you both stood, chests shaky, trembling in each other’s arms. Everything was on the table.

     “I need you to stop talking and kiss me again,” you stated matter-of-factly.

     Duncan gave you the toothiest grin you had ever seen and pressed his lips to yours again, only gentler. The muscles of his mouth expertly worked against yours. You savored the feeling you’d deprived yourself of for so long. 

     Caught in another wave of familiarity, you walked him back to the bed. He caught on, letting you shrug off his coat before placing himself right at the edge. You crawled into his lap, your thighs straddling his waist, never once breaking the kiss. Duncan held you in place with his large hands, sighing at the sensation of being able to hold you once again. He really thought he had lost you for good.

     “Are you sure you want this?” he asked. He wasn’t sure he could bring himself to fuck you again if you were going to turn your back on him the second you finished.

     You nodded, looking deep into the crystal blue skies of his eyes.

     “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my entire life.”

     Duncan silently chuckled into your open mouth, pulling you in for another kiss.

     “Good. Now take off your clothes and lie down.”

     His demand ignited the fire in your belly, sending the already pooling wetness in your core over the edge and into the fabric your panties. You did as you were told, torn between wanting to tease him by taking your time and all but ripping your blouse off of your chest to get straight to business. Duncan licked his lips as you undressed, never once taking his eyes off of you. Once you dropped your panties on top of the rest of your discarded clothes, you made your way to the king-sized bed. The same exact one you’d spent many sleepless hours in for several consecutive months.

     “You’re so beautiful, Y/N,” Duncan said, running his hands up and down your bare thighs, parting them to reveal your glistening center. Duncan groaned at the sight, closing his eyes in satisfaction. He slowly ran his fingers through you folds, spreading your slick around, making you jolt on contact.

     “No teasing. I need you inside of me,” you panted.

     Duncan clicked his tongue at your remark. “I need to show you just how sorry I am. Let me prove it to you.”

      With that, he dove into your heat, lips immediately attaching to your clit. He started with slow, gentle sucking motions, pulling back every now and then to place delicate kisses on your most sensitive area. The tugging on your now swollen clit combined with Duncan’s velvet tongue had you whimpering within minutes. Maybe it was because you’d been touch-deprived ever since you ditched Duncan, or maybe he was really just that good. You truly missed this. No one compared to the way Duncan could make you feel. He was acutely aware of every twitch, every reaction you had to his touches. He decided to push you further by dipping his tongue into your entrance to fully taste you. Duncan moaned into your cunt, the taste of you being something he swore he could never get enough of.

     “God I forgot how fucking good you taste, baby girl.”

     You mewled underneath him, his words sending another bout of arousal through your body. He let a warm string of saliva fall from his lips, watching it drip down your already drenched folds before diving back down to drink from you once again. You felt your slick and Duncan’s spit running down your core, surely forming a wet spot on the duvet. Instinctively, you reached one arm down to pull Duncan closer by his hair, pleading for him to work his tongue faster and harder against you. 

     He took the hint, moving on to rutting in and out of your pussy with his mouth and gliding his tongue through your folds with more vigor than before. You were grinding against him, trying to gain any kind of friction there was to offer. Duncan removed one hand from of the inside of your thigh and trailed it down to where his mouth was, leaving goosebumps along your legs. Using his index finger, he torturously worked you open while his lips continued nibbling at your clit. He was lost in his own world, eyes closed, nose pressed harshly against your hood. It gave you some relief, but it still wasn’t enough. You wanted to let go so badly, to let pleasure overpower you. But Duncan’s cock was what you really wanted more than anything.

     It took everything in you to push Duncan’s head away from you. Using your elbows, you sat yourself up on the bed and reached for the buttons on Duncan’s shirt. He happily obliged, working at removing his belt and pants. When he peeled his tight boxers off of his thighs, you were greeted by his rock hard cock bobbing in the cool air of the hotel room. Your mouth watered at the sight, so many thoughts racing through your mind of what you wanted to do to him.

     He hungrily climbed on top of you and began kissing up and down your neck and into the dips of your collarbones. You never thought you’d feel this way again, consumed by Duncan. His hair tickled your chin, causing you to squirm and giggle beneath him. He pulled his lips from your neck with a smacking noise and looked up to see what you were laughing at.

     “What?” he asked, lips red and puffy, slick with spit.

     “Your hair. It tickles.”

     He looked at you once again with bewilderment. How he had managed to find you both back then and now again tonight was beyond his comprehension. He could look at you smiling like that for the rest of his life, he thinks to himself.

     Duncan returned the smile before bringing your lips together once again. You used his moment of weakness to take control, wrapping your legs around his torso and shoving Duncan sideways with your arms so that you were now on top of him, your bare core pressed against his stomach. Normally, he’d punish you for even thinking about doing such a thing. But this time, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was willing to do anything to you and for you, even if it meant letting you take the reigns.

     You slid back, leaving a trail of your wetness all the way down to Duncan’s waist. Using the muscles in your thighs, you carefully lifted yourself away from him so you could position his aching cock beneath you. He hissed at the stimulation of only your fingers, just as touch-starved as you. 

     First running his tip through your slickened folds for lubrication, you then hovered his cock directly above your entrance, bracing yourself for the stretch. As you sunk down, your eyes grew wider and wider, your face contorting into a look of pain and pleasure. 

     “You okay?” Duncan asked when you were fully seated on his cock, his brows furrowed, with small beads of sweat collecting just above them.

     “Mhmm,” you said, or moaned rather. “I forgot how big you are.”

     Duncan lay beneath you, biting his bottom lip so hard he might have drawn blood, but was too preoccupied to notice. It was taking every bit of the willpower had left not to begin bucking his hips into yours.

     He reached forward to grab both of your hands, lacing your fingers with his. He brought your knuckles to his lips, pressing reassuring kisses to each digit. 

     Once you were as adjusted to Duncan’s cock as you’d ever be and the slight pain from the foreign stretch subsided, you began to swivel your hips along his stomach, just barely grinding against him. Duncan kept his eyes on you, squeezing ever so slightly on your palms. The tiny whines leaving your chest with every rotation was music to his ears, but it was egging him on more than he could handle.

     “As good as you feel right now, princess, I’m gonna need you to move a little faster before this takes a turn for the worse and we’re both unhappy.”

     You snickered at Duncan, leaning down to lay your chest flat against his, his throbbing cock still piercing you. You kissed up his jaw, savoring the coarseness of his scruff against your lips. His hands unraveled from yours and went immediately to your ass, spreading you further apart and kneading the skin with his fingers. 

     “Tell me how much you missed me,” you started, in between nipping and sucking at the skin behind his ear with your teeth. “Tell me how much you missed this, daddy.”

     Duncan swallowed hard. He hadn’t heard you say his name like that in what felt like a lifetime. 

     “I missed you,” he gulped, “So fucking much. I missed your tight little pussy. How good it feels when you cum all over daddy’s cock. I wanna fill you up so bad.” 

     You spasmed on top of him, another wave of arousal gushing from you. With a throaty groan, you lifted yourself off Duncan’s cock and quickly slammed back down. Duncan’s breath hitched in the back of his throat, finally scratching that itch he’d had for months.

     You sat up slightly, placing the palms of your hands on Duncan’s pecks. Your pace was as quick as you could manage, his cock sliding in and out of your drenched cunt effortlessly. You fit together like a puzzle piece you thought. Made for each other, not belonging with anyone else. The gushing sounds of wet skin slapping together and exhausted panting encompassed the room. The initial burn had long gone and pure, carnal pleasure had taken over you as you impaled your body on Duncan’s cock.

     “God, Y/N. Are you close? I don’t think I can hold it much longer,” he confessed. 

     “Almost. Just hang on for a little while longer. I wanna cum with you.”

     You were bouncing on top of him now, your breasts bobbing along to your movements. Duncan shifted his position slightly, moving both of you a few feet back so he could rest his back against the headboard. He took you by the small of your back and pulled you as close as humanly possible, wanting to feel every inch of your skin against his.

     He eagerly placed on hand on the back of your neck, moving the other up to the spot between your shoulder blades to keep you close as you milked his cock. He started at your lips, working his tongue against yours in starving passion. Moving down to the hollow of your throat, he sucked harsh, moon shaped marks against your skin. You were chanting his name over and over, thrust after thrust like a prayer, losing yourself in Duncan’s touch.

     You weren’t sure if you could do it. Every muscle in your body ached from riding him, sweat coating every square inch of your skin. Duncan noted your falter and began moving your hips for you, thrusting you up and down his cock with all of the strength he had left. He was barely holding on himself.

     “Y/N I’m gonna-”

     He came suddenly with a grunt. His eyelashes fluttered and his mouth was parted slightly. You felt him spill inside of you, his hot seed coating your contracting walls. Duncan milked you for all that you were worth, his cum leaking onto his shaft, spurring on your own release in the process. The heat once pooling in the pit of your stomach spreading throughout your entire body. Your hips sputtered, unable to keep going through your orgasm, you buried your head in the crook of his neck.

     For a solid minute, neither of you said anything. You just laid there, still inside of him, catching your breath, your cheek resting on his shoulder. You had no idea what was going to happen next. You’d both just confessed your feelings, and you both felt the same way, but you kept asking yourself the same question. Would it ever work?

     “Duncan?” You spoke up, still not moving your head from the comfort of his shoulder.

     “Yeah?”

     “Do you think we could ever be together?” you were quieter this time, suddenly feeling as vulnerable as the night he approached you with the idea of the “arrangement” that briefly turned both of your lives upside down.

     “Is that not what we’re doing right now?” he asked.

     “You know what I mean.”

     “I’m willing to give it a shot. We’ve made it this far. Only a smaaaall mishap.”

     “Yeah, a small mishap,” you laughed, nuzzling further into Duncan’s neck.

     “Tell you what. Why don’t you stay here, and we can talk about it in the morning. I’m actually extremely fucking exhausted.”

     “Deal,” you replied.

     Duncan slid himself out of you, a chill taking over you at the suddenly emptiness. He turned you on your side, wrapping his long arms around your waist as he pulled the sheet up to your chest. You faced him this time, not worried about what he was thinking or what he would say next.

     He kissed the top of your forehead while running his fingers through the knots in your hair. You leaned into his touch before exhaustion took over and you both fell asleep. You dreamed of each other again, just like in Paris, only this time about the future each of you would have together.

Tagging:

(If you’re not on my tag list, I hope it’s okay that I tagged you! Definitely let me know if don’t want me to!)

@avesatanormalpeoplescareme @sloppy-little-witch-bitch26 @venusxxlangdon   @ccodyfern @michaellangdong @michael-langdon-owns-my-soul @wroteclassicaly @omg-hellgirl @aveiangdon @belusima  @readsalot73 @americanhorrorstudies @langdonsdemon @ticklish-leafy-plant @michaelfuckinglangdon @fpsjacket @mother-tequila 

[niktizzy]

*~feeling nostalgic for myspace surveys~* 

1) Sexuality?

Straight

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

This is probably a lame answer but, I think Gronk would be cool to hang with

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

So this is embarrassing, I don’t have any books upstairs yet 

4) What do you think about most?

Work, money, why do people make noise when their running away from a killer in a horror movie or run upstairs

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Aye can you order me 2 chicken tacos “

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Depends on my mood and what season it is lol

7) What’s your strangest talent?

I have a rather good green thumb

8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

Girls are beautiful 

Boys are back in town

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Not that I know of

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Probably a year or so, I really want to dive back into it though

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

I just like to have things clean and not cluttered but my car and room are a bit messy lol 

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

I have a hoop in my nose

13) What’s your religion?

I guess like a Christian? Idk, I have my own beliefs

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Working 

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind it 100% 

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Oof, at the moment, either Belmont or Trash Boat. All time has to be either Neck Deep or Blink

17) What was the last lie you told?

I’m fine

18) Do you believe in karma?

A B S O L U T L E Y 

19) What does your URL mean?

Nothing really, just my screen name, which is my wanna be rap name lol

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Very trusting is my weakness. My greatest strength is honestly keeping up walls and head strong

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Michael B. Jordan

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Lol a lonnnnng time ago

23) How do you vent your anger?

I usually just bottle it up or I talk to my dad

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

I use to collect snow globs but now I seem to just collect house stuff lol. I want to start collecting dvds or like plants? Idk lol

25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

I love talking on the phone tbh

26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

So far, yes. I am proud of the person I have become but I’m still growing

27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

VELCRO I HATE THAT SOUND. Waves crashing and thunderstorms are my go to sounds

28) What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I never went to college and just got experience 

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Spirits and yes, absolutely 

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

My coffee and nothing I’m on my couch haha

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

This amazing candle from yankee candle

32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Toledo lol nah but really

33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Thousand Below’s singer is hot af

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

I have a multiple of ideals, we are born to die is one. The other is to go through life and learning and developing different ways to survive so in the next life, you have a better transition. But again, who knows  

36) Define Art.

Something you feel 

37) Do you believe in luck?

Yes

38) What’s the weather like right now?

FREEZING COLD

39) What time is it?

12:40pm

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I do, when I was like 17. I was going 5mph, women ran a red light, boom

41) What was the last book you read?

The Amityville Horror

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Love it

43) Do you have any nicknames?

Nik

44) What was the last movie you saw?

Halloweentown

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Any of my broken bones lol

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Not really

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Finding horror movie posters lol

48) What’s your sexual orientation?

Heterosexual 

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Oh yeah lol

50) Do you believe in magic?

I honestly do 

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Sadly I do

52) What is your astrological sign?

Libra

53) Do you save money or spend it?

Save it, I only go to work and pay bills and get food

54) What’s the last thing you purchased?

Groceries 

55) Love or lust?

We are all hoping for love and we usually get lust lol

56) In a relationship?

Nah

57) How many relationships have you had?

Real ones? A handful 

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Nope lol

59) Where were you yesterday?

I was at work all day 

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Nope

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

No

62) What’s your favorite animal?

The hammer head shark

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I tried flirting, but I think just being relatable or being myself

64) Where is your best friend?

Lauren

65) Spit or swallow?(;

Neither

66) What is your heritage?

Native American and Irish 

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping, I was OUT

68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I feel like he doesn’t have one, it’s kind of like Cher 

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

No one else is going to do it lol

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I mean yeah, I think I’m pretty cool

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Grab the dog and take him to work with me, it’s like a doctors slip but you know, it’s a dog

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I wouldn’t tell anyone

b) I would continue living but spend more time with people that matter and just make sure everything and everyone is taken care of

73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love

74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Gold Steps- Neck Deep or Faithfully- Journey

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

****

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

What makes things work is having similar interest. Most of my relationships were just awful because they were either wayyy into left field with my interest or didn’t even have the same ones all together. I think you need to be each others best friends, be able to be comfortable with each others company 

77) How can I win your heart?

Tacos, beer, horror movies, sports

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

All signs point to yes

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Putting myself before anyone else

80) What size shoes do you wear?

Depends on the shoe, most of the time 9.5

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Believe with UFO’s on it

82) What is your favorite word?

Cowabunga 

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

A bloody mess that keeps you alive in your chest cavity 

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

Honestly, literally, fook, fuck, dude

85) What’s the last song you listened to?

I was listening to this playlist https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX3MU5XUozve7?si=SS24TA9sTG6L5bFZ8W_feQ

86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

If you look in my closet it’s mostly black, gray, and maroon. I’m trying to like mustard but eh 

87) What is your current desktop picture?

Desert 

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Someone from my past

89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Why do you were a mask every time you step out of your house?

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Keep the light on because it’s obviously a full moon and they live from the moon light and try to find an exit quietly 

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Jumper aka teleportation 

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Warped tour 2011

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

No comment

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

OOOOF probably Winston McCall 

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Australia 

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Not that I remember

98) Ever been on a plane?

Yes only 2 times

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, MIND YA BUSINESS AND GRIND 

[lil-scoot-toot]

There is Road Left in Both of Our Shoes - Chapter 1

Hey yall this is just something I started working on because I was waiting for more keys so I could continue the game after Julian decides he wants to try to handle things on his own.  This is my first time playing The Arcana and I really didn’t know like where it was gonna go at all so I just kinda decided that I wanted to continue the story myself.  Once I did finally get to the next chapter or book or whatever I was like “hmm wow I don’t think MC is mad enough” so this is just part one of a mostly non canonical story that I’m going to be working on with my MC Persephone aka Percy for short.  Idk if anyone else will like it but I figured I would share.  Check it out under the cut if you are interested.  Sorry it’s pretty long.

My fingers curled, grasping at the edge of the counter as I decided weather or not to close up shop.  Business was slow this evening and I couldn’t get him off my mind no matter how hard I tried to shake him.  Weeks had passed since I watched Doctor Devorak walk away from the front steps of the shop after our night by the docks.  My cheeks tingled from the memory of where he’d planted his goodbye kisses, but soon burnt red hot from embarrassment.  How could I let myself get so caught up, so enchanted by him?  I wasn’t some lovesick teenager! So why did it hurt so much to even think about him?  Julian… I shook my head, the knot in my stomach pulling tighter as I thought about his hands on the back of my neck, my fingers entangled in his messy red hair, the smell of Mazelinka’s soup wafting through the warm air around us. Kisses by the water, the salty ocean air, the warmth of his body, his breath, the sad look on his face when we finally pulled away from each other while crashing waves filled the silence between us.  Images of the days and nights we spent together flashed in my mind, causing a lump to form in my throat.  Weeks had passed since then and then a month, two months…  Would he ever return? Was he safe? Had he met someone else?

           What’s it gonna take a damn mind erasing spell?  Get it together Persephone! I wished I could wash myself clean of him, but he was under my skin, some essence of him had made its way into my bloodstream causing a longing unlike any I’d felt before… The years I’d spent pining for Asra were nothing compared to this ache.  At least Asra and I are friends, despite the secrets he continues to keep from me, at least he would never rip me apart at the seams like this.  

           “Dammit!”  The word slipped past my lips in a hiss as I pounded my fist on the counter.  Lucky Asra was off on another quest as I couldn’t stand the looks of pity he’d been throwing my way recently when he thought I wasn’t looking.  I could already hear him crack some lame joke about not breaking the counter too.  “Dammit, dammit, dammit!” I continued to slam my fist into the solid wood until I couldn’t stand the pain. As I looked at my knuckles, bruised and a little bloodied, a tinge of shame crept through me.  That’s it.  It was definitely time to close up shop for the day.  Of course, just as I decided on locking up, the bell on the door chimed alerting me to an entering customer.  I looked up from my throbbing hand and my stomach sank.

“Long time no see.”  He bore that stupid smirk as he closed and locked the door behind him in one swift motion.  Tears began to well in my eyes, obscuring my vision but I blinked them away, trying to make sense of the man standing before me.  He ran his gloved fingers through his scarlet locks and rubbed the back of his head seemingly searching for words as I stared him down.

           “Get out.”  The words left my lips before I even had a chance to think.  “Jul-just, just get out, Dr. Devorak.”  I sputtered, trying my best to erase any intimacy that may have existed between us.

           “I’m sorry,” He put his hands up as if to show submission, “…Maybe I shouldn’t have come.”

           “You’re damn right! Especially after all the trouble Portia went through to get you out of the city.”  My emotions began to boil over, there was no masking the contempt in my words.  They dripped with the venom I’d been storing up within myself for the past two months. I didn’t care what he wanted or what he had to say.  Looking at him made me ache and recoil from wanting and disdain all at once.  

           “I’m sorry, Percy… Please let me explain.”  My nickname felt like a sharp dagger in my heart when it left his lips.  He took a few steps towards the counter, long strides bringing him close enough for his scent to carry through the air.  His overcoat was missing and his white shirt, hardly buttoned, bellowed open showing his pale chest.  

           “Please.”  The word a soft whisper as I began to lose my resolve. Please what? Please leave? Please stay? Please explain yourself?  Tears once again threatened to escape but I bit my lip, trying to keep my composure. The distinct taste of iron washed over my tongue; I bit down much harder than I realized.

           “Dear… You’ve hurt yourself.”  He made his way around the counter, towering over me to inspect my lip.  Placing a finger on my chin he tilted my head up and bent down, his face mere inches from mine.  A fire erupted in me as his tongue lapped hungrily at the blood still seeping from my bottom lip and for a few moments I gave in, standing on my tip toes to grasp at the nape of his neck and pull him in closer, pressing my lips to his, allowing his tongue entrance, savoring his familiar taste.  Our bodies moved together to an unheard rhythm, as if we had spent no time apart at all.  As if he never left.  That’s right.  I let my hand slide down to his chest and pushed him away before wiping blood and spit off my mouth with the back of my hand.

           “As if you care.” My heart raced in my chest, pounding in my ears, my knees threatened to give out at any moment.

           “You look faint, have you been eating?”  He eyed my body under my dark, flowing clothes which hung more loosely than usual around my petite frame.        

           “Stop it, Julian.” I took a step back but had to brace myself on a nearby stool.  When Asra was around I put on a show, pretending I was getting better, but with him in and out of the shop so often the past couple weeks I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to my health.  Most days I would choke down some light broth if I was hungry enough and most nights I’d pass out from exhaustion after tossing and turning in my bed worrying about the man now standing before me.

           “Stop what?”  His eyes peered into mine as if he might find the answers there and worry lined his face.

           “Just stop.  I can’t.  I can’t do this.”   A sudden rush of heat came over me as the room started to spin.  Unable to find my footing I fell back with too much force for the stool to support. I braced myself for impact but Julian, swift as ever, caught me before I could hit the ground.  

           “You haven’t been taking care of yourself at all have you?” He picked me up bridal style with little effort.  

           “Stop pretending to care.”  I didn’t have it in me to struggle as he carried me up the stairs to my room. “Just take whatever you came for and leave.”  He set me down gently on the bed, a long sigh escaping him as he furrowed his brow.

           “Is that what you think of me?  I can’t say I blame you.”  He placed the back of his slender hand gently on my forehead and then my cheeks and then my forehead one more time.  His hands were cold as always and offered some relief to the heat radiating throughout my body.  Despite my anger, his touch caused butterflies to flutter in my empty stomach before it let out a small grumble.  “You’re burning up.  You should get out of those clothes.   I’ll make you something to eat.”  I wanted to respond, wanted to yell at him, wanted to pound on his chest and demand answers but it felt as if a fog was rolling over me, so I simply complied to the best of my abilities as he quickly marched down the stairs.  It was only now that I realized how badly my hands were shaking, as I struggled to untie the intricate knots which held my outfit together, the buttons on my pants were another story and I gave up, my top half off with my light undershirt exposed.  I was never one for fancy bras or corsets, it’s not like I needed them, my breasts were small enough to be concealed by undershirts and often even without one.

           Another wave of dizziness washed over me as I let one leg hang off the bed, trying to touch the ground. Why is this bed so damn high up?  My toes barely reached, and the position did nothing to help me.  Time passed and I couldn’t hear anything over the sound of my heart pounding in my chest, I wondered if Julian was even really there. Perhaps I was imagining it.  My hand went to my lips as I recalled the kiss we shared, the warmth of his body.  No there’s no way I was imagining, the forces that be would not be so cruel to me. I tried again to fiddle with the buttons on my undershirt, feeling as if someone was sitting on my chest preventing me from catching my breath.  Panicked, I began to lose control of my breathing as a few of the buttons finally came undone leaving me rather exposed.  My concern was with my breathing though as it only grew more and more difficult to get any air at all.  I must have been wheezing quite loudly because suddenly Julian was at my side concern showing on his pale face.  I hadn’t even noticed him come up the stairs.

           “What’s happening? What’s wrong?”  He was panicked which was not helping me.  I felt like a fish out of water gasping for air and my heart, christ it felt like it was about to explode but I couldn’t articulate this to Julian in my current state instead I grabbed his hand and placed it on my exposed chest so he could feel my accelerated heartbeat.  A panic attack… Of course, I couldn’t believe it took either of us so long to realize what was happening.  It wasn’t my first, but it was definitely the worst one I’d experienced in recent memory, amplified by fatigue and the shock of seeing Julian, though I did not want to admit the latter.  

           “Ah I see.”  He seemed to regain his composure though a deep blush crossed his cheeks and made its way down his chest as he inspected me further.  “I’m sorry.” For some reason his continued apologies only served to tick me off, but I knew I needed his help, so I swallowed my pride.  He let his palm linger on my chest a moment longer before he joined me on the bed, sitting me up so that he could lean on the headrest behind me.  I curled up between his legs, my head resting on his chest. He ran his fingers through my short dark hair and took deep even breaths.  I tried to focus on the rhythm of his heartbeat, the rise and fall of his chest, his fingers gently combing through my hair.

           “You’re okay,” He whispered in my ear, giving me goosebumps, “just breathe with me, don’t force it.  Listen to my voice, breathe in, hold it, breathe out.”  He continued to instruct me, cradling me in his arms.  His voice was a gentle hum I’d never heard from him before.  At last my heart rate returned to a normal, steady pace and I felt the sweet relief of air entering my lungs.  Though certainly not a full breath it was enough for me to begin to calm down.  In through the nose, out through the mouth. I repeated this simple mantra over and over.  Each breath I took deeper than the last until my breathing returned to normal. Finally, the fog began to lift a bit and I thanked the forces for every bit of oxygen that passed through my lungs. As soon as I realized I was okay I scrambled to get out of Julian’s embrace, choosing to sit on the foot of the bed and face him.  His gaze darted around the room as if he was desperate not to make eye contact, though I did catch him eyeing my chest a few times.

           “Do you have panic attacks often?” Finally, he met my gaze, his cheeks tinged a deep pink as he realized I’d caught him staring.

           “What are you doing here?”  I ignored his question feeling mine was more important anyway.

           “Well… As it turns out,” His hand went to the back of his head again his discomfort showing plainly on his face, “Why don’t we discuss this over some food huh?  Are you able to get up?”  Leave it to Julian to change the subject.

           “Answer me, Doctor.”

           “Percy, please…”

           “Answer me!”

           He stared down at his hands at some point he’d removed his gloves.  With a finger he traced the mark that branded him a killer.  My head was swirling with so many questions and even more anger but behind it all was relief, at least he was okay for now. The room began to spin again, and I brought my hand to my head, hoping to calm it.

           “Look, I made us some food so let’s just go downstairs and discuss things.”  I could tell by the look on his face that he was not going to relent so I gave in instead muttering a “fine” and stepping off the bed. “Ahem, but you may want to um… Cover up if you want me to be able to focus on matters at hand.”  Too tired to even feel embarrassed I buttoned up my undershirt and we made our way down the stairs.  My legs felt like jello and I clung to the bannister, refusing any more help from Julian despite his continued attempts at steadying me.  A spread of cheese and cured meats (which I bought at the market to prepare for Asra’s impending return) sat in the middle of the table, a few slices of bread placed neatly on two plates opposite of each other.  Did he really consider this “making” something?  I had to suppress the urge to tease him about it.  Julian pulled my chair out for me, insisting on helping me to my seat.  Admittedly after that ordeal I was ravenous, and I ate quickly, ready to get the answers to my questions.

           “So,” I took another bite of bread before continuing, “What are you doing here, Julian?”  My words were cold as ice and he grimaced at my harsh tone.

           “I thought I could figure out what happened on my own,” He started, again avoiding my gaze as he spoke, “…But I can’t.”  I couldn’t help but scoff at his answer.

           “So now that you need something from me you think you can just come prancing back here?  Do you think I’m stupid?”  A full stomach gave me the energy to show my true anger and I was not planning on holding back.  “You think you can just say “I’m no good” “I’ll only hurt you” “I have no future” and disappear like that after… After we grew so close and then expect me to welcome you with open arms because you need help now?  As if I wasn’t willing to help you months ago?” This time I didn’t fight back my tears.  “Well you’re right,” I continued, “You’re an asshole Julian!” I jumped to my feet and slammed my hands down onto the table causing it to shake but he barely seemed to react.

           “Please just hear me out…” He struggled to find the words to say but this time he looked straight into my eyes, unwavering.  “I fucked up, you’re right but I didn’t only come back because I need help.  In fact, I’m not even sure you’ll be able to help me, actually, it’s just that I-.”

           “Then why are you here?” I cut him off.  “Why are you in my shop, in my home stirring up trouble for me again?  Imagine if someone saw you here! If Nadia found out that you’re back in Vesuvia! What if you were caught? You’re such an idiot!  A selfish idiot!” My words spilled from me as swiftly as my tears, but the doctor simply stood up calmly, closing the space between us to wipe the tears away.

           “You’re right, I am. I…I shouldn’t have come back.  I’m sorry. I’ll be going now.  Perhaps in another life…”  He trailed off and made his way to the door.  I could feel my heart breaking all over again, I wanted to tell him to stay but I couldn’t bare to look at him a second longer.

           “Fine.  Run away Julian.  It seems to be the only thing you’re good at.”  I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth, but it was too late to take them back.  Turning to look at me for a moment, pain etched into his pallid face Julian opened his mouth to speak but seemed to change his mind, disappearing into the night much like he had two months prior.

[soradgirl]

C3AFA Jakarta 2017

( this was so hard to work on I swear I have the worst memory)

Oh fun fact this was all actually broadcasted on Nico Nico, both panel and concert! (I think for the panel it was, but I’m definitely sure about the concert)

I came to the anifest for the anime.

Specifically the utaites 😏

There was also f'hana, Suzuki Konomi, May'n, and Usagi, but I’m not too familiar with them lol so I won’t write about them.

Also I’ll be writing about what they said to the audience but my Japanese isn’t… Perfect. I can understand it sometimes, but reading and writing is… Not good. 

S O R R Y.

Also because this was held in Indonesia I’ll be using Indonesian words when they spoke it, but in brackets I’ll put the English. I’ll also recap a few personally funny things that happened to me, specifically with my cousin that I brought along. (She isn’t even in a fandom, and doesn’t even know what utaites are)

NOW LET’S GO. (WARNING: LONG POST) 

I could only attend one day (Saturday), because of something I like to call hell school. Which I’m kind of sad about since Kradness is performing the second day and well, he’s the first utaite I’ve ever listened too. I’d go but there’s no way I’d be allowed to miss school Hahah :^)

The anifest exhibition, filled with little booths selling cute drawings, keychains, and a whole lot of Yuri on Ice yaoi. Official (?) booths include: Black Butler, Fate Apocalypse, some others I’m sure, but most were fan-run (?) booths. (I bought a set of Koi Yuri on Ice keychains that were adorable lol)

Of course that’s not what I came for. I came for the anisong concert. Specifically Tomohisa Sako.

The event began at 10:00 am. I arrived at 2:30 and bought the VIP tickets. To my dismay, T-kun had an autograph session at 12:30.

U N L U C K Y 

   To be fair was on the plane. Yes jakarta is not where I live. I live in another city boohoo. Flew out but missed autographs. 

And since I arrived late to purchase the tickets, the closest seats were row N. But at least had wasn’t in the standing area hahahahah. (Those who stood for three hours at the very back sorrymasen.) 

There was about five hours until concert doors opened. What can you do for five hours?? 

I took a look at the schedule. 

Wait. What’s this?

At 3:30 pm the beginning of nico nico panel!!? (Mind you I didn’t know this was happening.) I only came for the concert. This was great, I had some way to spend the time while waiting for the concert doors to open. 

 But who was performing? Was it anyone I knew? YES IT WAS. 

 Natsushiro Takaaki, Eve, and CleaNero (Clear and Nero.)

 L U C K Y. 

 I was so excited I stood in front of the small open stage thirty minutes early. Also because I wanted to be at the front. Then it happened. It begun. The crowd started to thicken. 

Anytime nico nico was mentioned me and a few other girls screamed like mad. 

(No pictures cause obviously they’re forbidden)

 I think the only downside of this short panel was that the time between each performance was really long XD. We had to wait around half an hour more or less for the next performer to come up. But they did provide entertainment in the middle of that wait.  

 Usagi was the first performer. She sang a song that I know the melody of but not the words or the title. (Shazam didn’t help either)

After her was my dear dear dearest Ikemennnnnnnnnnnn NATSUSHIRO TAKAAKI. He looked so good and ugh it was just amazing like how can someone be so cool lol. He came up on stage and pulled out a piece of paper. (a recurring theme.) 

“Selamat siang! (Good afternoon)” he said. Or tried to say, but he was cute for trying. “Nama saya Takaaki Natsushiro. (My name is Takaaki Natsushiro.)” he struggled to say it but we were patient. I was grinning so hard because him trying was so adorable. (”Ganbatte!” the crowd shouted in encouragement) 

Then he proceeded to speak in Japanese. “Do you understand Japanese?” he asked first. 

“We do!” the crowd, and me, answered. His smile grew like a little puppy as he complimented us it was amazing. (and adorable, they all were so dorky aa)

Okay here is where I apologize. I don’t remember any of the songs he sang. I KNOW I’M TERRIBLE BUT SERIOUSLY MY MIND BLANKED OUT. (I kept staring at his face I guess lol that’s not a valid excuse.) 

I think. THINK. He sang:  世界の真ん中を歩く(sekai no mannaka wo aruku)

BUT He was so enthusiastic as well, always getting the crowd to shout with the song, or clap our hands. (My cousin’s comment: How can he sing so perfectly while jumping?) ALSO DID I MENTION HOW STYLISH HIS OUTFIT WAS? HE WAS WEARING WHITE CLOTHES AND IT WAS WAS WAS COOLLLL.

He seriously looks like the drawings of him. Like with long white coat-thing with black underneath. And of course, a smile all the time. SO CUTE AGHHH

If anyone who was there knows any of the songs he sang please tell me ww I need help. 

Fun fact: during the performance I was looking at him then in the far corner I saw a guy wearing a mask. I stared for three seconds before almost, ALMOST shouting, “EVE.” 

Eve was watching the performance from a door to backstage it was so cute ww. 

A N D  

Eve was also the next performance. There was this one girl who seriously loved him, she kept shouting ‘kakkoi or kawaii’ when he came on stage ww and throughout the performance. So since no photos are allowed I have their faces branded into my brain haha. Okay but. Eve looks exactly like his avatar. Like the hair, the body shape, etc. I was gushing over it for the entire performance. He was wearing this blue patterned shirt with a floral jacket-thing over it, I think the pants matched the jacket. Why are Japanese people so stylish??? 

Now the performance. Not in correct order but he sang: 

ユニバース (Universe)

スパークル(Sparkle from Your Name/Kimi no Nawa.)

惑星ループ (Wakusei Loop)

Now this cute boy also pulled out that fated paper. He stared at it sometime, trying to pronounce the first few syllables. 

“Se- Sela? se se... (G- Goo? G-Good...)” he kept trying, eventually people starting shouting in encouragement but he held his hand out like ‘please be quiet I must focus.’ 

He then said it properly (well kind of). “Selamat siang! (Good afternoon)” When we cheered in response he looked so relieved that he had done it w. After that he sang another song. The poor boy was starting to get sweaty, and when he ended the song we could see he was really out of breath. To play it off adorably he panted into the microphone. “Haah haah, it’s hot...” he said (In japanese). (Cue squeals, it was so adorable.) And then he asked for a towel. 

While waiting for the towel he decided to speak a little to us, albeit in Japanese. He said, “before I came on stage I was really nervous!” (That’s what I think he sort of said. Could be wrong)  We all aww-ed and someone yelled (in Japanese) for him not to be nervous, which he obviously in turn replied with a thank you. 

I felt so sorry for my poor sweaty boy, and they didn’t have any towels to give him, so I half-jokingly told my cousin that I wanted to throw him some tissues. (She then kept trying to take my tissues and throw them upstage. I WAS IN THE FRONT ROW I SWEAR HE COULD SEE THIS HAPPENING IT WAS VERYYY EMBARRASSING.)

During Universe he got us to sing along to the ‘woah woah yeah yeah’ parts in the song, and during the instrumental breaks the crowd was shouting like, ‘HEY HEY HEY.” It was really nice. 

Wakusei Loop started playing and I screamed because I love that song. Immediately the crowd goes ‘ tuttururuttu ruttutturu’ along with the song. And some rhythmic clapping during choruses/ instrumentals.

When he left the stage I got so sad jeez. But i remembered that there was still CLEANERO.

I mean, there was two of them! Both, one package. Win win right? 

And they ran up on stage, instead of having that little paper scene, they went straight into the first song. 

The songs they sang (that I remember) are: 

Butterfly

Cotton Candy Cloud

That One Song That Goes ‘Lalalalala’ And They Got The Crowd to Sing With Them. (Aka idk)

And I’m sure there were more but I forgot song

But the thing about Clear and Nero is: THEIR HARMONIES. They are so beautiful i felt like shedding a tear seriously. It was like the heavenly voices came down to bless me on that anime day. 

But these two knew how to interact with fans more while performing. Although Nero more than Clear. They always stood on the front and one time Nero pointed at at an audience member while singing. 

But after two songs they took a break, and the paper came out. Clear was cackling while Nero tried to pronounce the words. He did so pretty well actually. 

“Selamat siang (good afternoon) Jakarta!” he yelled, which in reply we cheered, but then he handed the paper to Clear, who stopped laughing as soon as he realized what he had to do. 

Clear said the exact same thing as Nero, but with stuttering and a heavy accent.You could tell he was really embarrassed, especially when some of us giggled. Luckily MOST of us were very encouraging and cheered for him instead.

After they were done I headed to the main stage where the concert was being held. 

That’s when I entered and realized, “Oh no it started already?!?” 

I swear they began early. So we headed to out seats and May’n was performing. While she was singing my cousin pointed to the poster-thing, where the performers were lined up in this order from bottom to top:

Tomohisa Sako

May’n

Konomi Suzuki

f’hana

She told me that if it was in the order of the pictures then that would mean that T-kun already performed. CUE PANIC. I tried to stay calm and enjoy the show but my mind was going a quadrillion miles per hour thinking of what would be of my life if I had indeed missed Tomohisa perform. 

May’n finished and left the stage and I sat down while waiting for the next performer to come up. We were sitting there staring at the screen playing advertisements when it flashed and in very loud volume it played:

COMING UP NEXT: TOMOHISA SAKO

I SCREAMED SO LOUDLY AND TEARED UP. SERIOUSLY. MY HEART EXPLODED AND I JUST FELT LIKE AAAAAAAAAAAA IT WAS PURE BLISS HOLY CRAP. 

T-kun ran onto stage, and the girls were deafening. I tried to calm myself but how could I?!?! HOW COULD I?!?

T-kun sang many songs, but instead of listing them I’ll go through them. 

(Although maybe not in correct order.)

So he sang Renai Saiban (Love Trial) and it reminded me of the little medley he did with Amatan and I was singing along like a little bird that doesn’t really know all the lyrics ww. 

He sang Mezase Pokemon Master and mad us shout that pikachu part LIKE FIVE TIMES. HE EVEN CALLED OUT SOMEONE. “Ahh... You only! You only, okay?” he said in english. It was cute and I was SO JEALOUS OF THAT PERSON. 

He sang Get a Ban Ban and I THINK I JUMPED ALL MY FAT AWAY WHILE SINGING WITH HIM BECAUSE I WAS SO ENERGETIC. 

Sugar Song and Bitter Step. At the beginning he trailed off one of the lyrics and twirled his finger at the audience... Thinking about it still makes my heart beat aa it was wonderful. 

He sang Floria and I felt a little nostalgic since I haven’t listened to that song in awhile it was so nice. T-kun really is cute and sweet...

And he sang Blue Bird!! I SWEAR THE CROWD WAS THE MOST ENERGETIC FOR THIS SONG, I SWUNG MY LIGHTSTICK AROUND UNTIL I FELT LIKE MY ARM WAS GOING TO FALL OFF. 

Some other things that happened. 

Him trying so hard to speak in Indonesian. While he was trying someone in the crowd yelled, “ T-kun daisuki!” and he was startled and replied, “a~a~ arigato!” 

He told us, “Saya makan nasi goreng. Enak sekali. (I ate fried rice. It was really good.)” 

Then he asked us what foods we liked, and my cousin shouted, “INDOMIE!” (Instant noodles ww) I swear the people by us were cracking up. 

Seriously my boy was so pure and I had so much fun I just felt so blessed the entire time ww. 

IKEMEN BOYSSSS <3 

I want to follow them forever! 

(I want to translate the footage of T-kun’s performance but I must brush up on my Japanese ww. I can do the Indonesian. Hopefully I can though.)

C3 ANIFEST WAS AMAZING I MISS THEM SO MUCH. I WANT TO WATCH MORE OF MY UTAITE BABIES I HOPE THEY CONTINUE COMING TO INDONESIA!!