#we went clubbing on Friday night and after the fifth random person came up to me he looked completely bewildered

[anto-pops]

Pardon my French:

He looks like he gets hella bitches

……He absolutely does but I do too so it’s okay LMAO 💀

[limjaeseven]

All You Need Is Love

Pairing: Jinyoung X Jaebeom ft Brian of Day6

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 13,515

Summary: Jinyoung has liked his boss for years but according to him he’s straight

Warning(s): Mentions of conversion therapy, mentions of suicide attempts, cute jjp, cute brian, CEO!Jaebeom, sad Jaebeom

[a/n]: This is my longest project yet and it took way too long to finish, a big thank you to @taetaesbaebaepsae​​ and @birbdae​ for beta reading

The warm and comforting scent of freshly brewed coffee filled Jinyoung’s senses as he stepped inside his favourite cafe, situated just across the street from Jinyoung’s apartment at half past eight on Monday morning. Being the assistant of the richest man in the country meant Jinyoung barely, if ever, got a full night’s sleep in the middle of sifting through paperwork and making phone calls. Coffee was his lifeline, the only thing that kept him from falling asleep on the job.

The barista, Mark, a 26 year old man of Taiwanese descent greeted Jinyoung with a warm smile. With how often Jinyoung came to the café, there was no need for him to even give Mark his order, one Caramel Macchiato for himself and an Iced Americano for his boss.

After paying for his coffee and thanking Mark, Jinyoung stepped outside the café to see a car pull up in front of him. A short, blond haired man stepped out of the driver’s seat and opened the passenger door for Jinyoung. Once he was settled inside the car, the driver closed the door behind him before getting back in and driving.

“Thank you, Jinyoung,” Lim Jaebeom, South Korea’s richest man and Jinyoung’s boss said when Jinyoung handed him his coffee. The man was only three years older than Jinyoung, at age 28 but had single handedly built an empire spanning four continents and fourteen countries. Offshore Corp. was immensely successful, making Jaebeom the fifth richest man in the world, and the youngest person on the list.

Jinyoung had met Jaebeom when the company was being run out of the basement of an office building in the outskirts of Seoul. The elder was looking for an assistant and Jinyoung had seen an advertisement on his college campus and decided to apply for it. Since Jinyoung was still in college getting his degree in Economics, he joined as an intern under Jaebeom. The two of them were inseparable ever since, becoming more of best friends than coworkers.

“You have lunch with CEO Wang today at the Black Plate followed by a meeting with Kang Corp. at four. Other than that you just have some paperwork to go through, the rest I have managed,” Jaebeom let out a deep sigh as he turned to his assistant. Sometimes Jaebeom wondered how he had scored such a hardworking and dedicated man to work under him.

“You are a life saver, Jinyoungie. What would I ever do without you? Also you have to come with me for lunch. Jiaer will kill me if I don’t bring you along,” The car pulled up in front of the office building. Jinyoung let himself out of the car as the driver opened the door for Jaebeom. The two of them made their way inside the building, heading to the top floor. Jinyoung spent his morning at his desk outside the CEO’s office till they had to leave for lunch.

Jackson Wang, CEO of Team Wang was one of Lim Jaebeom’s oldest friends. The two had grown up together in a small neighbourhood in Ilsan. They had been inseparable till Jackson moved to China with his family when they were in high school. Wang Jiaer came back to Korea three years after he graduated from college to start his own entertainment company. He, along with some help from Jaebeom and Jinyoung, set up Team Wang. Jackson had grown quite close to Jinyoung over the years and often invited Jaebeom over just so that he could hang out with the younger.

“Hyung! Nyoungie! So nice to see you two,” Jackson greeted as the two men sat across from the brunette. Lunch went just as usual, Jackson taking up all of Jinyoung’s attention with his jolly and over the top personality. Jaebeom’s angry chin made an appearance here and there when Jackson made an occasional joke at Jaebeom’s expense.

“Anyways hyung, you have to come to the Kang’s party next Friday, I hate attending those events alone,” Jaebeom sighed because he too hated attending big company events. He really didn’t have much of a choice since he was finalising a deal with them and it would not be good for him to not attend the party to welcome the new CEO of the company. If the deal took any longer to close, he would have to negotiate with the new head of the company.

“Don’t forget to get Jinyoungie along with you,” Jackson added, making Jaebeom chuckle.

“Sometimes I wonder who you like more, your childhood best friend or his assistant,” Jinyoung slapped Jaebeom’s forearm playfully at the comment. Jackson just snickered but didn't answer the question.

“Call Bambam and let him know that we’ll be attending the Kang’s party. We need to make a good impression in front of the new CEO.” Bambam was Jaebeom’s personal stylist, a 23 year old man with an impeccable sense of fashion. Jinyoung had met the man through his cousin Yugyeom, the two men had been dating each other for as long as Jinyoung could remember. Bambam had struggled to find a job as a fashion design major, so he approached Jinyoung for help and the older recommended the younger to put in his resume for an opening as Jaebeom’s stylist, and he ended up getting the job.

The week till the party was incredibly busy as Jinyoung rushed to finalise the deal with the Kang’s. In the end, the deal took too long to close, meaning they would have to finalise it with the new CEO. Before Jinyoung knew it, he was sitting with Jaebeom in a fancy salon getting his hair and makeup done before Bambam dressed both of them up for the party. The car ride to the venue was quiet, Jaebeom lost in his own thoughts. The two men were tired after a long week of endless meetings and paperwork.

“Hyung!” Jaebeom and Jinyoung turned around as they stepped out of the car to see Jackson running to catch up with them. The three of them made their way into the hall and proceeded to grab a couple of drinks from the bar before going to mingle with the crowd. Jinyoung spent most of his time glued to Jaebeom’s side as the older talked to colleagues, friends, old and possibly new investors. He exchanged polite smiles and made small talk with a few people he recognised in the crowd until Jaebeom excused himself to go to the restroom, leaving Jinyoung alone.

After searching and failing to find Jackson, Jinyoung decided to wait by the bar for Jaebeom. Jinyoung had been working as Jaebeom’s assistant for a long time but he still hated making small talk at company parties. The man was the type to prefer a night in with a good book over club nights. Jinyoung had just finished his drink when he heard a voice coming from next to him.

“Mind if I get you a drink, handsome?” The strawberry blonde haired man asked, settling into the bar stool right next to him. Jinyoung couldn’t help but take a moment to admire the stranger. His grey suit perfectly complimented his honey skin, his long legs folded gracefully, elbow resting on a knee.

“Sure, why not? I’ll have a Cosmopolitan,” Jinyoung played along, knowing full well that the drinks were free. The stranger nodded and called the bartender before ordering their respective drinks.

“Kang Younghyun, but everyone calls me Brian,” the stranger offered, glancing at Jinyoung. It suddenly dawned on Jinyoung that the person who just offered him a drink was the new CEO of Kang Industries.

“Park Jinyoung.” 

Brian simply nodded, not asking anything about who he was. He offered Jinyoung his drink when it arrived and they made a bit of random small talk before Jinyoung received a text from Jaebeom asking where he was.

The night was pretty uneventful, Brian gave a short speech while accepting his new role as CEO. He kept making eye contact with Jinyoung throughout the speech for some reason. He wondered if Jaebeom had noticed it but the elder said nothing. Jaebeom dropped Jinyoung back at his apartment at the end of the night, offering him a small wave before speeding away.

Monday morning Jaebeom had his first meeting with Brian. Jinyoung didn’t want to admit it but he looked forward to meeting him again. The small interaction with the man had left quite an impression on Jinyoung.

“Park Jinyoung? What a surprise!” Brian said as he walked into the board room for the meeting.

“You know each other?” Jaebeom enquired and before Jinyoung could respond, Brian answered the question.

“We met at my promotion party. He’s quite the gentleman,” Jinyoung glanced at Jaebeom to see something flash in his eyes. It was short but Jinyoung was sure he saw it. Was Jaebeom angry? That didn’t make sense, there was no reason for Jaebeom to be angry. Jinyoung decided to brush it off and instead focused on the negotiations.

Once the meeting was over, Jinyoung escorted Brian out of the building. Just as he was about to get into the car, her turned around to look at Jinyoung.

“Are you free Friday evening?” Jinyoung nodded after thinking for a moment.

“I’ll come pick you up, we’re going for dinner together,” Brain said before handing Jinyoung his business card and getting into his car and driving off. Jinyoung turned the card over to see Brian’s personal phone number scribbled with a little ‘text me’ written on the back.

Jinyoung heard his name being called and looked up to see Jaebeom with an irritated expression on his face standing in front of him. He checked his watch to realise that they were late for another meeting. He slipped the card in his hand into his pocket before sliding into the car next to Jaebeom.

“So you know CEO Kang?” Jaebeom asked, staring out of the window. Jinyoung felt a little unsettled by Jaebeom’s tone, cold and indifferent.

“He offered me a drink at the party, I didn’t know he was the CEO till he introduced himself as Kang Younghyun,” Jinyoung half expected some type of reaction from Jaebeom but the man simply nodded and said nothing more.

Jinyoung texted Brian that night, sending a simple “hey, it’s Jinyoung”. He got a reply almost instantly, Brian sent him a picture of himself buried under a blanket with a “hey” back. They ended up texting for hours, sending cute pictures back and forth. It was almost three in the morning when Jinyoung finally decided to call it a night and fell asleep with a smile on his face thanks to the cute goodnight message accompanied by about a hundred emojis from Brian.

Jinyoung woke up to the sound of someone knocking on his door. The man dragged himself out of bed to open it and saw Jaebeom standing there with a worried look on his face.

“You’re never late so I got worried and thought I’d drop by to check on you.” Jaebeom nervously scratched the back of his neck as it finally dawned on Jinyoung that he had overslept and that he was, in fact, late for work.

Jinyoung stepped away from the door to let Jaebeom in with a mumbled apology as he rushed to get ready. Ten minutes later, he stepped out of his bedroom to see Jaebeom lounging on his couch, playing with his phone.

“I’m ready,” Jinyoung announced, making Jaebeom frown. He didn’t say anything as he stepped out of the apartment with Jinyoung and made his way to the car. Jaebeom whispered something to the driver before sliding in.

“Where are we going?” Jinyoung asked when he noticed them driving in the opposite direction from the office. Jaebeom continued staying silent, making Jinyoung feel frustrated. A few minutes later they pulled up in front of Jinyoung’s favourite diner that he visited on his off days.

“I’ve told you enough times that you’re not allowed to come to the office till you’ve had breakfast. I know full well how you forget to take care of yourself when you’re busy,” Jaebeom chastised as they both ordered food.

“I was up late last night, so I ended up waking late, you don’t need to worry so much, hyung. I know how to take care of myself,” Jaebeom looked at him with fake disappointment.

“Park Jinyoung? Staying up late? I’ve never seen you stay up after ten pm in the years that I’ve known you. Also don’t get me started on you not taking care of yourself. You’re the same person who collapsed because you forgot to eat during your final exams,” Jinyoung whined at Jaebeom’s comment.

“I was up talking to a friend. You know I need my sleep to function. Also that incident happened years ago, stop bringing it up every single time.” 

Jaebeom just laughed as Jinyoung pouted, making Jinyoung even grumpier. When they finished eating, Jaebeom paid for both of them, much to Jinyoung’s dismay before heading to the car.

“Jinyoungie, are you free on Friday evening?” Jaebeom asked when Jinyoung came by his office later that day to give the elder some papers.

“Why do you ask hyung?”

“Investors dinner. You don’t have to come if you’re busy though, I just wanted to let you know if you’re free.”

“I’m sorry hyung but I have plans. I can cancel if you need me to come, though.”

“Absolutely not. You need to live your life, Nyoung. You’ve not dated in what, four years? It’s just to make the investors happy, I’ll survive on my own,” Jaebeom said with an air of finality. Jinyoung still felt bad that he couldn’t attend the dinner, but he also didn’t want to bail on Brian.

“I can hear you overthinking from here Jinyoung. Don’t worry about me, go enjoy yourself. You can leave early on Friday if you want, we only have one meeting in the morning,” Jinyoung nodded and thanked his boss before leaving his office.

He texted Brian as he sat down at his desk, letting him know that he’d be off early on Friday. Brian responded by letting him know that he’d pick Jinyoung up from his house at six thirty on Friday. Jinyoung immediately texted Bambam to drop by his house on the day of the date to help him get ready.

Friday rolled around and Jinyoung reached home at five, which was later than he had wanted so he texted Bambam before hopping into the shower. Just as Jinyoung stepped out, Bambam knocked on the door and Jinyoung let the younger in.

“Hyung you really need to go shopping, I only see dress shirts, pants and blazers here. Don’t you have anything dressy in your closet?” Bambam whined as he sifted through Jinyoung’s closet.

“Check the other cupboard, I think I still have some stuff left from college.” 

Bambam moved to the smaller cupboard on the other side of Jinyoung’s room in his quest for the perfect outfit.

Since Jinyoung started working while he was still in college, he had adapted his closet and general dressing style to be more formal considering he didn’t have enough money to be able to afford both office wear and casual attire for college. Jinyoung had splurged a bit on a few clothes when he was still clubbing in his college days before Offshore and Jaebeom took up all his time.

“Jackpot!” Bambam shouted as he pulled out a pair of skinny jeans, a turtle neck and a leather jacket from the cupboard. They were all in black, classic for the minimalist that was Park Jinyoung. Bambam had him borrow the two inch heeled boots that he had been sporting in exchange for a pair of Jinyoung’s fluffy slippers for the night. A bit of light make up and an unnecessary amount of hairspray later, Jinyoung was officially ready and Bambam couldn’t be prouder of himself.

Jinyoung looked at himself in the mirror and was taken aback. He was so used to seeing himself in office wear that the look made him feel both off and confident because he knew he looked good. The black contrasted his pale skin perfectly, while the light and dewy makeup gave him an ethereal look. Jinyoung was busy checking out his ass in the mirror when he heard a knock on the door.

“Go get him, tiger,” Bambam joked, following the elder to the door. Brian stood there, dressed in white pants, a deep green shirt tucked in, strawberry blonde hair styled up. Jinyoung couldn’t help but stare at how good he looked. He wasn’t the only one though as he caught Brian eyeing him the same way.

“Shall we go?” Brian asked and Jinyoung nodded, bidding Bambam goodbye. Both of them made their way down to Brian’s car, a sleek sports car that exuded wealth without looking too flashy. Brian opened the door for Jinyoung before climbing into the car himself and helping Jinyoung put his seatbelt on. The younger couldn’t help but blush at the warm breath hitting his neck as Brian pulled the strap over his shoulder. Instead of making any move though, Brian simply smiled at Jinyoung before turning to start the car.

The restaurant looked extremely fancy, Jinyoung recognised it as one of Seoul’s most famous, having planned a company event at the venue. Brian held his hand out for Jinyoung to hold, walking him inside the building. The elder had already reserved them a table overlooking the brightly lit skyline of Seoul. They were making their way to the table when Brian saw a couple of his colleagues at a table nearby and asked Jinyoung to accompany him for a minute to meet them.

“Hey guys, having fun without me?” Jinyoung’s eyes scanned across the people in front of him and he recognised them as investors of Offshore. The brunette’s eyes widened as they fell on Jaebeom sitting right across from where he was standing.

“Jinyoung?” Jaebeom blurted out, questioningly. Jinyoung realised that he had never actually told the elder that he was going out with one of his biggest partners and rivals. Though the Kang’s and Offshore worked together every now and then, they were still each other’s biggest competitors.

“Lim Jaebeom, we meet yet again. Anyways, I promised Jinyoung dinner so we should get going. I’ll see you guy’s later.” Brian led Jinyoung towards their table but Jaebeom and the younger’s eyes held for just a moment, Jinyoung suddenly feeling guilty for some reason. He wondered if his boss would be mad at him for going out with his rival. He quickly diverted that train of thought with reasoning that he had the right to date whoever he wanted, regardless of whether they were or weren’t related to Jaebeom.

Dinner was a lot of fun, much to Jinyoung’s delight. Brian was witty, making the younger laugh out loud multiple times. Out of habit, Jinyoung held his hand up to cover his hand as he laughed, but Brian reached over and grabbed his wrist to pull it away.

“You have a beautiful smile, don’t hide it,” Brian chided playfully. After splitting one bottle of unnecessarily expensive red wine and some peach cobbler for dessert, both of them were ready to leave. Brian excused himself to the washroom for a moment and Jinyoung sat alone at the table. He let his eyes wander and almost immediately he met eyes with Jaebeom yet again.

The expression on his face was indescribable, one the Jinyoung had seen only a few times in the years he knew Jaebeom. It sent chills down Jinyoung’s spine, making him feel vulnerable and exposed with just the way the elder looked at him. It caused some old memories and feelings to resurface which Jinyoung immediately buried by looking away from Jaebeom and shifting his attention to Brian, who had by then returned. The elder motioned for Jinyoung’s hand and held it once more, guiding him out of the restaurant.

The drive back to Jinyoung’s apartment was quiet, though not awkward. Brian turned up the radio to fill the silence. Jinyoung wanted to say something but every time he went to, Jaebeom’s expression flashed in his mind. He didn’t know why he felt so guilty, he was just on a date with a guy he met at a party they attended. When they reached under Jinyoung’s building, the younger unbuckled his seat belt and turned to Brian. The older just smiled sweetly at Jinyoung, making him feel a little bit better as he smiled back.

Jinyoung was about to turn away to open the door when Brian leaned in. Instead of kissing him on the lips though, Brian grabbed a hold of his jaw and turned it away to place a soft peck on the brunette’s cheek. The older ruffled Jinyoung’s hair for good measure before whispering a soft goodbye. Jinyoung waved at him as he drove away and went up to his apartment.

Bambam had fallen asleep in Jinyoung’s guest bedroom by the time he got home. The younger often stayed at Jinyoung’s house, Bambam got scared of things sometimes and found comfort in the elder. Jinyoung changed into pyjamas and cleared up the take out boxes the younger had left behind before heading to bed.

Jinyoung was absolutely exhausted, the deal with the Kangs had been keeping him up late at night as he read through contracts, contacted lawyers and briefed Jaebeom. Dinner with Brian was a good break but seeing his best friend there threw him off. Jaebeom’s expression was the only thing he saw when he closed his eyes.

Jinyoung’s heart ached as he thought of his hyung. He looked almost like he was hurting but it made no sense why the older would feel like that. It reminded Jinyoung of a memory he had been trying to bury for years. One that he never wanted to think about ever again but he couldn’t help but indulge in it as it resurfaced.

Park Jinyoung was 19 when he met twenty two year old Lim Jaebeom. Both of them were young, trying to find their way in a newly opened world to them. Jinyoung will never forget the job interview he gave to join Offshore. He had seen a flyer at his college advertising vacancies in the company and one of Jinyoung’s juniors, Youngjae had told him that Offshore was owned by his older brother’s batch mate, college bad boy, extraordinaire Lim Jaebeom.

Jinyoung hadn’t originally planned to apply for Offshore but fate brought him to the dingy basement of an old office building with his CV in hand. The small space had about ten people crammed inside it, one of them Jinyoung recognised as Youngjae’s older brother. Some of the people were sitting on the floor, working on ancient looking laptops as papers flew around. Jinyoung was greeted by a messy haired Jaebeom whose tie was crooked and smile was sheepish.

Jaebeom absolutely grilled Jinyoung during his interview which was impressive for the owner of such a small business. After an hour of them going back and forth, Jaebeom leaned back against the old plastic chair he was sitting on and rubbed his eyes, mumbling a little ‘you’re hired’.

Over the course of the next two years, Jinyoung became well acquainted with what he called the ‘World of Lim Jaebeom’. It was clear from the very beginning that Jaebeom had big dreams and he was determined to fulfil them. The first time they launched a product line or website or some other project successfully, Jaebeom would always smile softly and congratulate all the employees before retreating to his office. Jinyoung always wondered why the elder did that and later found out that every time they succeeded, Jaebeom used that as an opportunity to plan the next three steps, never basking in the glory for more than a few minutes.

Jinyoung was the only one over the years who was allowed into Jaebeom’s private life. The elder had always been reserved, a man of few words. He was the only one, other than Jackson, who knew Jaebeom’s parents personally, the only one who knew about his love for RnB music and cheesy, romantic movies. Jinyoung had become a constant in Jaebeom’s life and vice versa.

At some point Jinyoung had realised he had started liking his hyung more than just as a friend. It was like having high school crush, Jinyoung looked forward to every moment he spent with the elder and thought about him at random moments throughout the day, becoming hyper aware if his boss was ever a little too close to him.

Jinyoung knew that Jaebeom had only ever been with women before but the man had never said anything against dating men. When Jinyoung came out as gay to Jaebeom, he had been supportive and encouraging, telling Jinyoung that he didn’t need to be afraid of his sexuality. The two men had even talked about finding other men attractive a few times.

The chances of the Lim Jaebeom ever liking Jinyoung were close to none, Jinyoung was well aware of that. But there were certain things that his hyung did that always made him question if he did feel something for his assistant. Like the caramel macchiato that sat on his desk the days he ended up falling asleep in the office. Like Jaebeom venting to Jinyoung about his family and crying himself to sleep, wrapped warmly in Jinyoung’s embrace. Like cuddling after long days at work on Jaebeom’s couch, watching Titanic for the millionth time, Jaebeom nuzzling his face in the crook of Jinyoung’s neck.

The time the actions started though was the most memorable to Jinyoung. Offshore was doing better than ever and they had just closed their biggest deal till that point. Jinyoung was busy contacting the lawyers about the next contract as per Jaebeom’s request when the elder burst out of his office, telling Jinyoung to accompany him for a last minute lunch meeting.

Jaebeom and Jinyoung drove in the former’s newly bought car to a restaurant, specifically Jinyoung’s favourite restaurant that the younger visited on special occasions since he was still not earning enough to afford meals their often. They settled down and the waitress asked for their order and Jinyoung was just about to tell her that they were waiting for someone, but Jaebeom interjected and ordered for both of them, knowing Jinyoung’s order by heart.

“What about the client?” Jinyoung asked and Jaebeom smirked.

“He’s already here.” 

Jinyoung looked around the restaurant but found no one who he recognised as one of their clients.

“He’s sitting right in front of me.” 

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow at the elder’s comment, confused.

“I know how hard you worked on this deal and just wanted to treat you as thank you. I knew you would say no if I told you why we were coming here,” Jaebeom said, scratching the back of his neck nervously, almost as if he was scared about how Jinyoung would react.

“You know you don’t need to thank me, hyung, it’s my job. But anyways, now that we are here, why not enjoy ourselves?” Jinyoung asked and instantly saw the nervousness of Jaebeom’s face melt into a small smile. The two men enjoyed their lunch, talking about anything and everything. That day was the day that Jinyoung and Jaebeom became best friends on top of being coworkers and the seeds of Jinyoung’s crush on the elder were sown.

Jinyoung tried not to think too much about the elder’s actions but one incident made him almost sure that Jaebeom was at least physically attracted to Jinyoung. The two men had gone out for drinks at a local bar three years into them working together, wanting to take a break from the hectic routine at work. Jaebeom had dragged Jinyoung to the dance floor, both men considerably drunk. Jaebeom gripped at Jinyoung’s waist, pulling his waist against the elder’s chest and the two men grinded against each other. When the song slowed down though, Jinyoung turned around and threw his hands around Jaebeom’s neck and stared up at him. Jaebeom leaned down, warm breath dusting Jinyoung’s lips.

Jinyoung could see the lust pooling in Jaebeom’s eyes as he ghosted over the younger’s lips. And just as they were about to kiss, someone bumped into Jinyoung, spilling his drink all over the brunette. Jaebeom ended up almost punching the guy and Jinyoung had to drag his boss out of the club to stop a fight from breaking out. He hailed a taxi and helped Jaebeom inside. By the time the taxi reached Jaebeom’s apartment, the elder was fast asleep so the younger had the driver drive them to Jinyoung’s house.

With a lot of effort, Jinyoung was able to drag Jaebeom into his apartment. He laid the elder on his bed and went to sleep on the couch. When the younger woke up, Jaebeom was nowhere in sight but a caramel macchiato, a sandwich and a small ‘thank you’ note sat on his coffee table.

But everything changed the night Jaebeom invited Jinyoung to his parent’s home for dinner. Jaebeom told him that his mother wanted to meet her son’s assistant cum best friend. Jinyoung was nervous but he agreed. The brunette was buying flowers for Jaebeom’s mom when the florist, Yedam, came up to him asking if he needed any help.

“I’m going to meet my boss’s mom for the first time” He explained and the florist picked out a bouquet for him. Jinyoung knew him from the time he had moved into the neighbourhood. Jinyoung loved flowers so he went their quite often.

“So, you found anyone?” Yedam asked as he wrapped the flowers, the man knew well about Jinyoung’s love life, or the lack of it.

“Not yet, but there is one guy who I’ve got my eyes on. He’s completely out of my league though.” Jinyoung sighed, but before Yedam could reply, he heard a gasp from behind him. A woman in her mid-fifties who was standing behind him, probably waiting to get some flowers wrapped, dropped the bouquet in her hands. Jinyoung turned to ask her if she was okay but she pushed him away from her, making Jinyoung fall to the floor.

“Don’t touch me, faggot,” she spit out. Jinyoung was taken aback at her comment, but he wasn’t surprised. He lived in a country that just didn’t accept people like him, it was a well-known fact. He was just so used to having supportive friends that he had forgotten what it was like to be cursed at for being gay.

Jinyoung stepped aside and allowed Yedam to help the woman with her flowers. He tried to apologise to Jinyoung for the woman’s actions but Jinyoung immediately cut him off, telling him that it wasn’t his fault. Jinyoung just took the bouquet from Yedam and paid for it before heading to his car. The drive to Jaebeom’s parents’ house was short but Jinyoung felt uneasy the entire time. The brunette put it off as a mix of emotions from the woman cursing at him and the nervousness to meet Jaebeom’s parents.

Jinyoung stood outside the door for a while before he was able to muster enough courage to ring the bell. He nervously tapped his foot as he heard the door unlock from the inside. A smiling Jaebeom greeted Jinyoung, motioning him to go inside the house. The elder was dressed in a plain black button up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and black slacks.

“How do you always manage to look so smart in simple clothes?” Jaebeom commented with a groan. Jinyoung was clad in a simple white t-shirt with beige pants, horn rimmed glasses and sandals. The elder had always been jealous of Jinyoung’s fashion sense, using every opportunity possible to complain.

“You don’t look too shabby yourself, hyung,” Jinyoung said with a wink. As the two men spoke, Jaebeom’s mother stepped out of the kitchen, heading to the living room to meet her son’s assistant, she saw Jinyoung winking at him.

“You? What are you doing in my house?” Jaebeom’s mother shouted, glaring at Jinyoung. The brunette was taken aback as he realised that Jaebeom’s mother was the lady he met at the flower shop.

“Mom, you know Jinyoung? What’s going on here?” Jaebeom asked, confused by the angry and terrified expression on his mom’s and best friend’s faces respectively.

“How dare you let a faggot into our house, Lim Jaebeom? Get this scum out of here, now!” She shouted, turning her attention to Jaebeom. The elder was surprised at his mother’s behaviour, she was always known for her sweet nature and quiet demeanour.

“What are you talking about, Mom?” Jinyoung didn’t know whether to apologise to Jaebeom and leave or just run away so he just stood there, frozen in his place.

“I heard him talk to that Yedam kid at the flower shop today about liking a man. A man, Jaebeom! And now, not only is this pest in my home, he was winking at you! I’m sure he was trying to seduce you to corrupt my son. Throw him out of here, fire him for all I care! I will never allow a faggot to step foot in my house.” 

Jaebeom’s face turned red as he processed what his mother was saying. Daring to take a peek at Jinyoung’s devastated face, Jaebeom felt beyond guilty.

“What’s going on here? What’s with all the ruckus?” Jaebeom’s father asked as he stepped out of the kitchen, confused about all the noise coming from the living room.

“Jaebeom here brought a faggot into our house, that’s what’s wrong. Doesn’t even have the courtesy to leave when it’s clear that he’s not welcome here,” she said, pointing at Jinyoung, making him snap out of his daze. Just as Jinyoung was about to apologise and leave, Jaebeom cut him off.

“That’s enough Mom. Jinyoung here is my assistant and best friend. So what if he’s gay? You know well that I’m straight so why does it matter if he’s friendly with me? He’s the most hard-working employee in my company and you will not speak to him like that,” Jaebeom snapped, making both his mom and Jinyoung gasp. Jaebeom’s mother, angry at her son, stormed out of the room.

“Jaebeom, I get that you’re hurt by what your mother said but you will not disrespect her either. Jinyoung, I’m so sorry about what she said to you. She’s always been who believed in old traditions and morals. There’s nothing wrong with you being gay, rather I want you know that I for one will always support you, because you’re Jaebeom’s best friend and Jaebeom’s friends are like my own children to me. Jaebeom, take Jinyoung out for dinner tonight will you? Take him to his favourite restaurant and treat him to his favourite food, as a sorry and a thank you from all of us,” Jaebeom’s father said, looking at Jaebeom and Jinyoung.

The younger had tears in his eyes at the words of the old man, and he tried his best to keep them in. But when Jaebeom’s father opened his arms, Jinyoung couldn’t help but hug the man tightly, slowly crying onto his shoulder, whispering small ‘thank you’s. The man just chuckled and patted the brunette’s head before letting him go and waving him goodbye.

Dinner that night was a quiet affair, Jaebeom apologising multiple times but Jinyoung cutting him off every time, telling him that what happened was not his fault. The bouquet that Jinyoung bought for Jaebeom’s mom lay forgotten in the back seat of Jinyoung’s car, a reminder of the incidents that happened at Jaebeom’s parent’s house. Jinyoung had learned three important things that night. One that Jaebeom’s mother would never like him, two that Jaebeom’s father was one of the nicest men Jinyoung had ever met and three, most important of all, that Jaebeom was straight.

Jinyoung didn’t sleep well that night. Even his dreams were plagued with Jaebeom, the look on his face crystal clear as he looked at Jinyoung from across the restaurant. The only difference was that it was only the two of them in the room in his dreams and it felt like Jaebeom was staring directly into Jinyoung’s soul, seeing the feelings that Jinyoung knew well that he still had but spent his days denying.

Bambam dragged Jinyoung out to Mark’s café for breakfast. Fortunately they were the only people in at the time so Mark joined them for their meal. Bambam chatted excitedly about Yugyeom getting accepted into Team Wang as a trainee. Yugyeom had texted Jinyoung the good news himself that morning and Jinyoung sent him a short ‘congratulations, now go make some money of your own so that you’re not living off of your boyfriend’s earnings’.

Just as they were finishing up breakfast, Bambam got a call from his mom so he left early, leaving Jinyoung and Mark together.  Jinyoung helped Mark clear up the table, ignoring the elder’s protests and ordered a caramel macchiato. Just as Jinyoung paid for his drink, a couple came into the café. Mark turned to attend to them while Jinyoung sat at his favourite seat next to a large window overlooking the street outside and watched as people walked past the café.

Jinyoung was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t realise that the couple had left till Mark sat down in front of him, now free. The elder observed Jinyoung for a few moments, eyebrows furrowed. The younger looked back at him with a confused expression, lifting one brow.

“What happened, Nyoungie?” Jinyoung should have seen the question coming, he thought. Mark was well known to be the most observant of all his friends, being the first one to know if anything was wrong. Jinyoung thought about it for a second, whether to tell his hyung what was going through his head or not. In the end he decided to open up to Mark in hopes of some insight.

“Maybe you’re just overthinking things, Jinyoung. The best thing to do is just talk about it. Communicate with him instead of making assumptions and hurting yourself” Jinyoung just nodded, knowing that Mark was right. Jinyoung stayed at the café till lunchtime, wished Mark goodbye and headed home. Fortunately Jinyoung had leftovers in his fridge because he was in no mood to cook.

The brunette spent the entire day lounging in bed and on the couch, watching trash TV and making a few work calls. He had just finished taking a shower when he got two notifications at the same time on his phone, one from Brian and the other from Jaebeom. As much as Jinyoung wanted to talk to his best friend, he still wasn’t ready to talk to him after the previous night so he unlocked his phone and opened Brian’s chat where the older had sent him a simple ‘hey’.

Jinyoung ended up texting about the most mundane things with Brian but he somehow made it feel like they were talking about the most fun things in the whole world. Halfway through the conversation Jinyoung’s phone started ringing, showing that Brian was calling him. Jinyoung rolled over on his bed, lying on his stomach and picked up the call.

“What’re you up to?” Brian asked after exchanging the normal pleasantries.

“Just hopped out of the shower when you texted me.”

“Oh my lord are you dressed? Jinyoung, don’t tell me you’re trying to seduce me.” Jinyoung involuntarily tightened his hand against the top of his bathrobe. The brunette was dressed in only his boxers and the aforementioned robe.

“Shut up, I just need to throw on a t-shirt, you perv.”

“Do you have to?” 

Jinyoung keened at Brian’s flirty comment. The younger leaned back against the headboard, hand still gripping the robe.

“Are you trying to seduce me right now?” Jinyoung shot back. Just as Brian was about to say something, Jinyoung’s phone started vibrating. He pulled it away from his ear to see an incoming call from Jaebeom. That made Jinyoung sit up and stare at his phone. Jaebeom rarely called Jinyoung’s spare number unless it was absolutely necessary.

“Hey Brian, I have an urgent call that I have to pick up. I’ll text you later.” Jinyoung told Brian who replied with ‘that’s alright, good night, Jinyoung’. Jinyoung cut the call with Brian and picked up Jaebeom’s call. Jaebeom was saying something, but Jinyoung couldn’t hear anything clearly due to loud noises in the background.

“Jinyoungie, Jinyoungie” Jaebeom kept repeating the younger’s name, his speech slurred and voice giggly. Jinyoung realised that the elder was most probably drunk, causing him to act like that.

“Hyung, where are you?”

“At a bar, it’s really loud. The music is pretty cool though. I want another drink but the bartender won’t give me more and that made me sad so I called Nyoungie because Nyoungie makes Beommie happy.” Jinyoung tried to think of where his hyung might be. According to what he said he was pretty drunk and Jinyoung had to bring him back.

It suddenly clicked to Jinyoung that Jaebeom mentioned music. The elder hated music at normal clubs so he had found a small jazz bar in Seoul where he went when he really needed a drink to unwind.

“Hyungie, hang in there for me, will you? I’ll come and pick you up. Just wait for me.” Jinyoung said into the phone, throwing his jacket on and grabbing his keys. Jinyoung tried not to think about the comment the elder made about the brunette making him happy as the liquor talking as he drove to the bar.

Jinyoung spotted Jaebeom the moment he stepped into the club. The elder sat slumped over the bar top, chatting with the bartender. The club fortunately was small and exclusive, meaning the public wouldn’t find out about multi-millionaire Lim Jaebeom getting wasted and whining like a child. The bartender smiled at him as he approached Jaebeom, relieved that someone had finally come to pick the man up.

“Hyung, I’m here, let’s get you home.” Jinyoung shook Jaebeom’s shoulder, causing the elder to stir and sit up straight on the bar stool. Jinyoung cursed internally at how incredible his boss looked, dressed in dress pants, a plain white tee and a black blazer. His hair was mused due to him running his hand through it one too many times, a habit of his that he did when he was stressed.

“Jinyoungie came for Beommie!” Jinyoung tried not to act too surprised at how his boss was acting. The brunette had known Jaebeom for years and had gone out for drinks numerous times with him but not once had his cold-eyed, sharp-jawed hyung ever act like a pouty child. All Jinyoung wanted to do was to coo at Jaebeom and kiss his pouty lips but he instead concentrated on dragging the elder to his car and buckling him into the passenger seat.

“Hyung are you okay?” Jinyoung asked, glancing at his hyung who was slumped in his seat, eyes glossy as Jinyoung drove them home. Jaebeom just pouted more and fiddled unconsciously with the seat belt. Jinyoung waited for a couple of minutes for an answer but when he received none he turned to see Jaebeom sleeping. Reaching over, Jinyoung adjusted Jaebeom’s head to make sure his neck wasn’t hurting before turning back to the road.

After a bit of struggle to get Jaebeom out of the car and into Jinyoung’s apartment, he laid the elder down on the bed and took off his shoes. Jinyoung pulled the blanket over Jaebeom when he felt a hand grab his elbow. He turned to see Jaebeom’s eyes half open as he stuck out his hand from under the blanket to hold onto Jinyoung.

“Don’t leave Beommie. Nyoungie can’t leave Beommie,” The elder whined, pulling Jinyoung towards himself. Even though he didn’t put a lot of force, Jinyoung tripped on the carpet and fell right on top of Jaebeom. Their chests pressed up against each other as Jinyoung stared at Jaebeom with wide eyes. The elder wrapped his hand around Jinyoung’s waist and pecked his nose before dozing off.

Jinyoung’s body froze up as he felt the warmth of Jaebeom’s lips on his nose. He tried to move out of Jaebeom’s grip but Jaebeom just clutched him harder. The brunette had to resolve to kicking his shoes off and slowly squirm his way out. After almost fifteen minutes of struggling to loosen Jaebeom’s arm around him, Jinyoung gave up, turning his cheek to put some distance between their faces. Nuzzling his nose in Jaebeom’s neck instead, Jinyoung inhaled the scent that he always associated with Jaebeom, a strong mix of musk and citrus. Despite the adrenaline in Jinyoung’s body, it didn’t take long for the man to fall asleep in Jaebeom’s embrace.

Morning light filtered through the soft white curtains in Jinyoung’s room, causing the brunette to stir. He opened his eyes to see a head of raven hair and the peaceful face of Jinyoung’s boss. Still stuck in the haze of sleep, Jinyoung smiled softly as he small the tranquil expression on Jaebeom’s face. Without thinking, he lifted one of his hand to brush the man’s hair away from his face. Jinyoung felt a strong, warm hand in the small of his back pull him close to the elder and he nuzzled his face in the crook of Jinyoung’s shoulder.

Jaebeom slowly came to his senses as he felt the warm body against him. He tried to figure who he was hugging, but couldn’t remember anything past going to the club for a drink. Jaebeom pulled away from Jinyoung and looked up at him. Their eyes met for a moment and the realisation finally hit both of them as the scooted away from each other instantly.

“Jinyoung?” Jaebeom looked around and realised that he wasn’t in his own apartment and was, in fact, in Jinyoung’s bedroom. The younger had a mortified expression on his face as he tried to collect himself to reply to the elder.

“You called me from the club last night, hyung. You were wasted and so I brought you home. I was about to leave you here to sleep on your own but you very adamantly made me sleep with you.” 

Both the men felt their ears turn red and blushes spread on their cheeks as they took in the words Jinyoung said. Though well aware that it didn’t have any sexual connotations they couldn’t help that their minds wandered.

An awkward silence had settled between them, which Jinyoung hated, because before they visited Jaebeom’s mom, the two were used to cuddling and sleeping in the same bed together. After the dinner, the elder kept their relationship just about the same but the skinship had stopped abruptly.

It felt like the silence was choking Jinyoung, tightening its grip around Jinyoung’s throat. Instead of letting it get worse, Jinyoung excused himself to the bathroom, wanting to take a cold shower to clear his head. He lost track of how long he spent under the harsh spray of freezing water but by the time he was out, Jaebeom was gone.

Stepping into the kitchen to grab something to eat, Jinyoung noticed a full English breakfast, warm and ready on the counter. Jinyoung checked his phone to see a text from the elder apologising for troubling him and thanking him for the help. Jaebeom knew well that Jinyoung’s guilty pleasure was treating himself to the exorbitant foreign meal in front of him and it warmed Jinyoung’s heart, despite the awkward moments between the two not minutes prior.

Jinyoung remembered to text Brian in the morning, not wanting to spend the entire day stuck in his own head. He went out on a limb and invited the older over for dinner, which the latter happily accepted. The brunette spent the next few hours cleaning up his house and preparing snacks. Jinyoung wasn’t the best cook in the world so he ordered some food while waiting for Brian.

The bell rang at exactly six thirty as Jinyoung was fixing his hair in the mirror. The brunette was greeted with a warm smile, a bouquet of pale pink peonies and a bottle of red wine. Jinyoung felt his cheeks heat up at the elder's sweet gesture.

"Make yourself comfortable, I'll get glasses for the wine." Jinyoung stepped aside and let Brian inside, walking to find a vase for the flowers. He joined the elder on the couch with two wine glasses and Brian poured the deep red liquid for both of them.

They chatted for an hour, talking about everything from work to their childhoods and everything in between. Words flowed between the two as they slowly polished off the bottle. They had gotten so comfortable on the couch that Jinyoung got the food from the dining table to the tea table in the living room for them to recline together and eat.

"So, everything fine from yesterday? You sounded pretty worried." Brian asked.

"A friend got pretty drunk and called me to bring them home. They're fine, just a bit stressed with work," Jinyoung explained. He didn't feel like mentioning that it was Jaebeom for some reason so left him out of the details.

"It's good that they're fine, but they interrupted something didn't they?" Jinyoung almost choked on his wine as Brian eyed him suggestively.

"You were trying to seduce me before we got cockblocked, weren't you?" Jinyoung quipped back. If Brian could be flirty, so could he.

"I was, wasn't I? So tell me, do you want to be seduced?" Brian raised Jinyoung's chin, whispering the words in his ear.

"What if I already I am?" Brian just chuckled at Jinyoung's response, pulling him in to kiss him. Just as their lips were about to touch, both of them jumped as the doorbell rang loudly.

After a moment of awkwardly staring at each other and laughing it off, Jinyoung got up to actually open the door, though he had no idea who could be on the other side of the door.

"Hyung?" Jinyoung asked, confused. Lo and behold, the Lim Jaebeom was standing outside Jinyoung's house, dressed in sweatpants and a large t-shirt with a photo of Snoop Dogg printed on it, two plastic bags hanging off his left arm.

"I got you your favourite pastry from Mark's cafe and some beer as an apology for last night."

Jinyoung's eyes darted guiltily inside his house, locking with Brian's in a silent apology. The elder just smiled and got off the couch, walking up to the door to leave.

"Is there someone here-Oh Younghyun-ssi, nice to see you again," Jaebeom said as he spotted Brian standing behind Jinyoung. 

He was smiling at Brian, but Jinyoung knew well that it wasn't his real smile, it was instead the one he put on when he was mad but couldn't show it in front of investors.

"The pleasure's all mine, Jaebeom. Jinyoungie and I had just finished eating. It is getting late so excuse me, but I will be taking a leave. Text me when you're free." 

Brian turned to Jinyoung and gave him a side hug and bowed at Jaebeom before leaving.

"Did I interrupt something?" Jaebeom asked belatedly.

"Maybe? Kinda?" It took a moment for the elder to realise what Jinyoung was intending and instantly he looked away, his ears burning red.

"Did you have to imply that I was cockblocking you?" Jaebeom groaned and Jinyoung just chuckled.

"Your words, not mine, hyung" He winked at the elder, snatching the bags from Jaebeom's hand and ushering him inside. The two settled on the couch and ate the sweets, Jaebeom cracking open a beer while Jinyoung passed, already buzzing from the wine.

"So, you and CEO Kang, huh?" Jaebeom asked, turning to see a nervous looking Jinyoung.

"Are you mad?" The question came out almost as a whisper, voice drenched in nervousness

"Why would I be mad Nyoungie? It's your life, Younghyun and I might be rivals but you're still my best friend and it's my duty to cheer you on, not get mad" Jinyoung let out a breath that he didn't even know he was holding. The elder just chuckled and patted Jinyoung's shoulder.

The patting suddenly stopped, causing Jinyoung to look up at his hyung. Jaebeom had a mortified expression on his face, almost as if he had seen a ghost.

"Hyung are you okay?" Jinyoung asked, sounding concerned.

"Did I say something dumb last night on the phone or when you picked me up?"

"Why do you ask, hyung?" Jinyoung didn't mean to let his hyung know that he had, in fact, said more than a few things to Jinyoung in his intoxicated state but his rushed voice gave away the truth, making the elder groan and bury his face in his hands.

"I tend to say dumb things when I'm drunk while I'm stressed Jinyoungie. Jackson had once recorded me while I was drunk and I kept talking about the things that were stressing me out, things that I didn't realise myself. Though that is not necessarily a bad thing, I tend to sound a bit, how do I put it, 'childish' when I'm drunk," Jaebeom confessed.

"I wouldn't say childish, more like cute." 

Jaebeom glared at Jinyoung's cheeky comment, grabbing him by the back of the neck and tackling him on the couch.

Fighting like that, they ended up with Jinyoung laying on the couch and Jaebeom half straddling the younger, holding his hands above his head in order to render them useless. Jaebeom's face hovered over Jinyoung's their breaths mingling when for the second time that day, they realised what position they were in.

Jaebeom immediately pulled back, allowing Jinyoung to sit up. Both of them took a moment to collect themselves, waiting for the other to break the silence. For once, it was Jaebeom who broke it.

"No but really, what did I say?"

"You mean what Beommie said?" Jinyoung imitated the way the elder spoke the night before, making the elder groan even more.

"You said and I quote, 'Nyoungie makes Beommie happy'. I never thought you could be so cute hyung. Imagine Offshore's Lim Jaebeom, cold, smart, ruthless business man acting like a literal five year old when drunk, I could never." 

Jaebeom punched Jinyoung's arm playfully, to which Jinyoung reacted by hissing and holding on to his arm.

Worried that he hurt his best friend, Jaebeom grabbed the younger's wrist to check his arm, only making him laugh loudly. Jaebeom hit him properly to teach him a lesson, rewarding the ravenette with a pouty Jinyoung.

"Well that is true though, you do make me happy," Jaebeom stated simply making Jinyoung's eyes widen.

"You can't just say things like that so casually, my poor heart. But I agree, you make me happy too, hyung. I love you, and I'll always be grateful for having a friend like you"

For the third time in the previous few days, Jinyoung saw something flash in his eyes. It felt almost like Jaebeom was bitter about something. He just said a simple 'I love you too' back before changing the topic.

Their conversation lasted late into the night and Jinyoung ended up falling asleep with his head on Jaebeom’s shoulder. The elder, noticing that the younger was asleep due to the lack of response to a question he asked, moved to pick Jinyoung up and took him to his bedroom, laying him down on his bed. Just as he was about to leave, he took one last look at the younger’s face, a soft smile adorning his face and leaned down to place a soft kiss on Jinyoung’s forehead.

It was almost as if a switch went off inside Jinyoung as his eyes shot open, staring at the elder who was still leaning over him. Making awkward eye contact for a moment, Jaebeom whispered ‘goodnight’ before leaving the room. It took a few minutes for Jinyoung to process what had happened. His hand shot up to his forehead, rubbing gently over where he had felt the elders’ lips.

It took a while for Jinyoung to fall asleep after that, early morning light peeking through his curtains as he finally fell into restless sleep. He woke up a little after one in the afternoon, groaning at his ringtone that woke him up. The man shuffled to find his phone, picking the call without checking the contact.

“I wanted to let you sleep in today since you slept late last night but Jackson will absolutely kill me if I don’t bring you along for lunch today. I’ll pick you up in about fifteen minutes” Jaebeom cut the call before Jinyoung could even process what he was saying. He took a moment to blink the sleep out of his eyes before he jumped out of bed and hopped into the bathroom for a quick shower, quickly blow drying his hair and throwing on a pair of khaki dress pants with an oversized baby blue sweater and some sandals. Just as Jinyoung grabbed his wallet and house keys, he heard his phone ring, letting him know that Jaebeom was waiting for him downstairs.

The elder greeted him with a smile, leaning on the car’s door, dressed in a powder blue suit and a white shirt with the top few buttons undone, his hair which was longer than usual, framing his face.  Seeing Jinyoung approach the car, Jaebeom pulled away to open the door for the younger,  letting him get in before closing the door and walking around the car to sit in the driver’s seat. Jinyoung was rather surprised that Jaebeom was driving the car, so used to being driven around by their driver over the years as their empire has grown. The drive to the restaurant was quiet, some random pop song playing in the background when they reached their destination.

“Oh my god you two have finally upgraded to couple outfits. Does this mean Jaebeom hyung finally had the guts to ask Jinyoungie out?” Jackson fake screamed when he was rewarded with a slap to his arm at the comment. Jinyoung looked at Jackson with a perplexed expression, feeling butterflies in his stomach as he processed the implications of the words, while Jaebeom was openly seething at his best friend, before turning to look apologetically at Jinyoung.

Lunch was a torturous affair for Jaebeom as usual, with Jackson constantly making fun of the man, much to Jinyoung’s delight as his laughter filled the room with every new joke or old memory Jackson uttered. There was an almost melancholic smile on the elder’s face, the expression pulling somewhere deep within Jinyoung’s heart. He looked lost in his thoughts, and the Jinyoung felt a strong urge to pull the man into a tight hug and comfort him.

“Hyung” Jinyoung said some twenty minutes later, causing Jaebeom to snap out of his haze. Jackson was getting up to leave, letting them know that he had an urgent meeting to attend before walking away, leaving the two men along at their table. Jaebeom looked at Jinyoung before looking down at his plate, realising that neither of them had touched their food since it had arrived some half an hour prior. Signalling Jinyoung to eat, the two men finish their meals in silence, nothing other than the clatter of cutlery hitting the plate to be heard.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung said once more, his plate closed, back straight, hands folded in his lap. Jaebeom looked up from his food to see the younger’s tensed shoulders and nervous expression and closed his plate, sitting up properly to hum thoughtfully at him. The younger took a moment to look Jaebeom in the eyes, breathing in deeply to calm himself down and collect his thoughts.

“What was Jackson talking about?” Jinyoung could hear Jaebeom’s breath catch in his throat as his eyes widened, the older looked like he’d been caught red handed at some crime. Jaebeom brought his hand up to the back of his neck, rubbing the skin there harshly. After a moment of awkward silence, Jaebeom cleared his throat to address Jinyoung.

“I may or may not have liked you since the day I met you? I get it if it’s super sudden and kinda creepy and also if I’m too old and you don’t like me like that. By the way you totally got your job on your own merit, I don’t want you to think that I hired you because I liked you, and now I’m just rambling and making a fool of myse-,“ Much to Jaebeom’s relief, before he could embarrass himself further, Jinyoung leaned towards Jaebeom, wrapping an arm around his neck, pulling him in for a sweet kiss.

Jaebeom whined as Jinyoung pulled away, chasing the younger’s lips as he moved to sit back in his seat. “I thought you didn’t like me, hyung,” Jinyoung admitted, looking down to where his fingers played with the hem of the table cloth. “I mean there were times when I felt like we had a connection but after what happened with your mom I just, lost hope, I guess.” 

Jaebeom smiled sadly as he recalled the incident with his family and Jinyoung.

“I have known I’m into guys for a long time, Nyoungie. The reason why my mom is so paranoid is that when I was in high school, she found me and my boyfriend at the time cuddling in bed and grounded me for weeks, sending me to the church to see if they could do anything about my ‘degeneracy,’ as much as I tried to lie to her that we were just friends. Church was not great, there are things that happened there that I don’t want to think about but before anything major could happen, my dad realised something was wrong and got me out of there. He sat me down and talked to me in a way mom never had, he told me he loved me regardless of who I loved, but he told me to be careful around my mother and also made me promise to introduce all my future boyfriends to him in exchange of him getting me out of that whole fiasco,” Jaebeom confessed.

“Hyung, I’m so sorry.” 

Jaebeom just shakes his head, smiling at Jinyoung before talking the younger’s hand in his own and placing a soft kiss on the back of it. “I’m sorry for ruining the mood, we can talk about that sometime else. Right now there are more important things to talk about.” 

Jinyoung raised his eyebrow at Jaebeom’s comment. The elder smiled, dropping down to one knee on the floor, Jinyoung continuing to look at him questioningly as he ignored the lingering eyes around them from the other patrons of the restaurant.

“Park Jinyoung, my Jinyoungie, I have known you for many years and liked you, nay, loved you for just as long. Will you be my boyfriend?” Jinyoung giggled as he nodded, paying no mind to the soft applause of the crowd around them, instead pulling Jaebeom up to place a kiss on his lips. “First of all, why you gotta be so cute? Second of all, did you just tell me that you love me, Lim Jaebeom?”

“I’m not cute, I’m sexy and also yes, Park Jinyoung, I love you, a lot.” 

Jinyoung laughed at the elder as he paid for their meal and stepped out to hop into Jaebeom’s car that took them to the office. The whispers around them were audible as Jaebeom laced his fingers with Jinyoung’s as they stepped into the building, a soft blush dusting the younger’s cheeks.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung called out later that day as he stepped into Jaebeom’s office, his tablet in hand. “The news is already out,” Jinyoung sounded nervous as he turned the tablet for Jaebeom to see but the elder paid no attention to it. 

“What news, baby?” 

Jinyoung almost whined at the nickname, glaring at the elder, who smirked, his eyes still glued to the screen though he was completely aware of Jinyoung’s reaction.

“About us dating. Someone at the restaurant took photos of us and it’s already out on most online news sites, it will most likely be in the papers by tomorrow.” 

Jaebeom finally turned to Jinyoung, a knowing smile on his face. “Well then, I’ll draft a statement that you can release tomorrow morning, let the internet speculate for tonight. You can go through it and edit it if required, just in case you feel uncomfortable about anything I say.” 

Jinyoung nodded, turning away to leave the room.

“Jinyoungie?” Jaebeom said, making Jinyoung halt and turn back to his boss. “I love you. Drive back to my place tonight? I can treat you to dinner.” 

Jinyoung smiled, nodding. He knew that he loved Jaebeom, but there was something holding him back from saying it out loud, the words getting stuck in his throat. The sudden conflicted expression that crossed Jinyoung’s face was enough to make Jaebeom understand and he just sent him off with a flying kiss.

The drive to Jaebeom’s place was quiet, Jinyoung cuddled in the elder’s lap as the shared kisses as whispers back and forth. Jaebeom, as promised, cooked dinner for the two of them when they got home, the two eating in a shared silence as Nora and Odd circled around their feet under the table. Jinyoung shooed the elder away to take a shower, taking it upon himself to wash the dishes and put them in their places before heading to Jaebeom’s bedroom.

Jinyoung settled on the bed, the sound of the shower going along the only sound in the room. He looked around the room, reminiscing the times he’d spent there with the elder, the memories of their friendship and companionship flooding his senses. The last time he had been in Jaebeom’s room, he had felt his heart break to pieces, the way the two of them had pulled away from each other, the closeness between them alien, had felt like an arrow piercing through his rib cage, the pain blooming in his chest. J

Jaebeom stepped out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist, water still dripping down his neck as he brushed a hand through his wet hair. The smirk that Jaebeom was very clearly failing to hide showed that the action was on purpose, and Jinyoung could also play along. He looked straight at the elder’s face, eyes challenging, which just made Jaebeom chuckle and head to his closet to find an extra towel to dry his hair and his pyjamas to change into.

Jinyoung stared at the way the muscles in Jaebeom’s back rippled as he pulled on a t shirt over his head, immediately looking away when the elder turned around. Jaebeom didn’t fail to notice the way Jinyoung’s ears went red at almost getting caught but decided to tease the younger about it on a later date. Turning back to search through his armoire, Jaebeom pulled out some clothes and threw them at Jinyoung.

“Wait why do you still have these?” 

The clothes Jaebeom gave him were Jinyoung’s clothes back from when he used to actually spend time with the elder at his house. He didn’t recollect leaving them with Jaebeom because they had become part of his closet so naturally. Jinyoung used to spend so many nights at the elder’s place that he just left one set of home and work clothes in his closet. Jinyoung couldn’t believe it had been nearly two years since that fateful night.

“I realised that after what happened with my mom you wouldn’t be very comfortable staying over but I didn’t have the heart to throw any of it away and part of me wanted to still keep it, knowing that there was a time where you were a part of my life” Jaebeom confessed, making Jinyoung coo at the elder.

“Well, you only gave me a drawer before, this time you’re clearing half  your cupboard cause I’m not going anywhere” Jinyoung made grabby hands, making Jaebeom laugh and climb the bed to press a soft kiss to Jinyoung’s lips. Once the younger took a shower and got changed, he slipped under the covers, cuddling close to the elder before being lulled to sleep.

The dating announcement received mostly positive responses from the public, Jaebeom holding a press conference to confirm the rumours. Jinyoung did receive some amount of hate, but Jaebeom stood by him through all of it. There were some investors and employees who left due to their ideology clash but it was mostly civil. The country was far from accepting LGBTQ+ people openly but Jaebeom had been too loved by the community to be shunned over it.

Jackson took it upon himself to release a statement immediately after theirs, openly supporting the couple and coming out himself, confessing that it was the strength of his friends that gave him the courage to talk openly about being gay and being proud about it.

The three of them went for dinner together that night, Jackson adamant of celebrating the new it couple of Korea. They decided it was probably best to finish early though, since they were exhausted from the events of the day.

Just as they stepped into Jaebeom’s apartment after dinner, the elder’s phone started ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket to check the contact and his face paled immediately, his hands shaking. Jinyoung rushed to check on his boyfriend, glancing down to see his mother’s face on the phone. He held onto the elder’s shoulders and urged him to look at him, forcing him to take deep breaths before Jaebeom picked up the phone.

“Hello?” Jaebeom’s voice quivered as he spoke, the call on speaker so that Jinyoung could also hear.

“I don’t check the news for one day and you announce that you’re dating that faggot. Didn’t I tell you to fire him years ago! Jaebeom what has he done to you? I should have never let your dad take you out of the church programme!” Jinyoung placed his hand over the elder’s fist as he grinded his knuckles into his thigh, clearly angered.

“Listen to me carefully, Jaebeom. You’re going to fire that boy immediately and tell the public that it was a lie or something” Before Jinyoung could stop Jaebeom from saying something like last time, Jaebeom had already lost his cool.

“Enough is enough mom! I’ve known I’m gay for years but I never told you because I knew you wouldn’t accept it. Do you have any idea what they did to me in the church? Ask dad about it sometime. Had he not gotten me out of there you might have not had a son right now. I love Jinyoung and regardless of what you say I’m not leaving him, not now, not ever. If you can’t accept me like this then so be it,” Jaebeom cut the call, his face red, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung whispered, the sound making the elder collapse into his arms. They laid like that for hours, Jinyoung’s shirt getting drenched with the elder’s tears. It broke his heart, he had been lucky enough to have a supportive family. He didn’t want to be the reason Jaebeom stopped talking to his mother but he also loved his boyfriend.

Just as Jinyoung was about to drag the elder to bed, his phone rang once again, startling them. Jaebeom had half the heart to ignore it, but when he saw his father’s caller id, se instantly sat up, wiping his tears before picking up the call, putting it on speaker and placing it on the coffee table in front of them.

“Jaebeom?” Jinyoung smiled despite himself at the sound of Jaebeom’s father’s voice.

“Dad,” Jaebeom mustered, his voice was audibly broken and he didn’t have the energy to hide it.

“I tried to stop her from calling you, but she waited till I was out of the house. I’m really sorry about everything she said. I love you, my son, and I hope you know that,” The tears rolled down Jaebeom’s cheeks once again as he mumbled an ‘I love you too’ to his father.

“And Jinyoung?” The younger made a startled noise at his name being called out.

“I know you’re listening, I just wanted to apologise to you too, for what Jaebeom’s mother said. I’ve seen how my son looks at you, please take care of him, he makes me worry sometimes. And you two are coming here immediately, didn’t I tell you to introduce me to your boyfriends, Jaebeom?”

“But dad I literally asked him out yesterday! And anyways you’ve already met Nyoungie before,” Jaebeom said.

“You two have already started with the cute nicknames, huh? I briefly met him two years ago Jaebeom. I’m so sorry it took so long for this brat to tell you his feelings, he’s a bit dumb, don’t know where he gets it from” Jaebeom whines at his father’s comments are Jinyoung laughs, thanking the elder before cutting the call.

Jaebeom sighed heavily as he looked up at the younger, his hands wiping at his face to get rid of the tears. There was a comfortable silence between them, both having accepted that their relationship wasn’t going to be easy. It took a while for them to finally get up but they did, eventually moving to the bed to actually get a good night’s rest.

The following week they visited Jaebeom’s parents’ home, both of them buzzing with anxiety. Jaebeom squeezed Jinyoung’s shaking hand firmly, silently reassuring him before ringing the bell. Jaebeom’s father opened the door with a bright smile, ushering both of them inside and giving them warm hugs.

They had just settled down in the drawing room when Jaebeom’s mother came in, her fingers fidgeting and her gaze lowered. Jinyoung immediately stiffened looking at her, the anxiety strongly surging its way up his spine.

“Jaebeom can I talk to you in private for a moment” Her voice was little above a whisper, words strained. The elder turned to Jinyoung, giving him a soft smile before following his mum inside.

“Jinyoung, thank you for loving my son. He has secrets that not a lot of people know about, things he’s gone through that have left him scarred. I had almost thought I lost my son at one point but then you came into his life. I remember the day he hired you, he smiled for the first time for what felt like years. I didn’t think I’d get to see my Jaebeom smile again but I did, thanks to you. He finally opened up to Jackson after meeting you, helping him heal more. You got him out of hell, Jinyoung. I’m not going to put a burden on your shoulders by saying you fixed him or whatever, but you did help my son a lot. Love him for as long as you can, and even if that’s not forever, you’ll always be my son and I’ll always be grateful that Jaebeom and I got the opportunity to get to know you” Jinyoung nodded, using one hand to wipe away his tears as Jaebeom’s father pulled him in for a hug.

Jaebeom returned shortly after with his mom, both of their faces tear stained. Jaebeom’s mother stood in front of Jinyoung, pulling him in for a hug, making the younger surprised. She cried apologies into his shoulder, rambling nonstop as Jinyoung rubbed her back to comfort her. Once she had calmed down, she pulled away, chuckling awkwardly at the scene before pulling him to the dining room for dinner.

Conversation after that flowed easily, the air of awkwardness having been swept away. They had their fill of Jaebeom’s mother’s food, stuffed till bursting. The goodbyes weren’t sad or forced, they genuinely enjoyed their time and Jinyoung hoped that in the future he could spend more time with them.

Days after that flowed by quickly, Jinyoung finally moving in with the elder six months into their relationship with his lease expired. Things were going fine till they weren’t. Jinyoung woke up in the middle of the night once to see Jaebeom’s face twisted in pain, his body covered in sweat. He shook the elder awake, who jumped as he came to his senses.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Jaebeom just nodded, washing his face and drinking some water before cuddling Jinyoung back to sleep, ignoring his protests. This went on for months, Jinyoung waking up at least once a month to the elder screaming in his sleep. Every time he asked about it though, the elder clammed up and his brain shut down, refusing to respond to his questions.

Exasperated and worried he called Jackson who told him to give Jaebeom some more time. He waited for a total of three months before barging into their bedroom one evening and locking the door behind him, trapping the two of them inside of the room.

“Hyung please, just tell me what’s wrong. I know it’s hard to talk about but I can’t bear to see you screaming in your sleep every other night. I don’t want to force you to answer but please, let me in, let me help you” Jaebeom looked scared as he met eyes with Jinyoung, sighing heavily before dragging Jinyoung into bed with him.

“I don’t know where to start Jinyoungie, I want to tell you everything but I feel like if you found out how broken I am you’ll want to leave” Before Jinyoung could protest Jaebeom held one hand up, breathing deeply before starting again, “I told you about church being bad, but never what happened there. They tied us up and threw us into small dark closets, trying to ‘pray the gay away’. We tried to get out but just got caught and the punishments got worse. They tried so many different things I barely remember most of it. I tried to take my life at least three times while I was there but I every time I failed and they called me weak for trying and a coward for not going through with it. I’ve had bad nightmares since I left but it slowly got better till a few months ago” Jinyoung ran his hand through the elder’s hair trying to calm him down.

“I was at in my office when Youngjae came in, saying that someone wanted to meet me. I thought it would a client or something but it turned out to be one of the priests. He said he wanted to check up on me after he heard about us dating. I was about to get him escorted out but he started chanting the prayers that they used to make us say there and my brain just shut down. I couldn’t move, Jinyoung, it was like I was back, trapped in that closet with no food and water, begging to be let out. I felt like I was about to faint when Jackson barged into the room for our scheduled meeting and saw me like that. He had the man leave and sat by me as I cried myself to sleep. I told him everything when I woke up and made him promise to not tell you. I’m broken, Jinyoung, I might look like a strong man but I’m not. I scream in my sleep and cry like a child, I get if you’re not interested in handling my emotional baggage.”

“Hyung, I’m not going anywhere. I love you and I want you to heal. I think the first thing you should do is visit a therapist, you need to get all of these emotions out safely and you need help. I’ll be by your side through it all” Jinyoung reassured the elder, his own eyes wet with tears.

“I was too scared to try but I want to, for us, Jinyoung. I love you so much” Jinyoung felt the words rise up his chest as he looked at the elder bear his scars to him.

“I love you too, hyung” Jaebeom’s face broke into the brightest smile he’d ever seen as Jinyoung spoke those words. It took him a while to say it for the first time but he knew that Jaebeom knew that he loved him regardless of whether he said it or not.

Jaebeom went to therapy soon after, finally opening up about his past completely. The nightmares got better and he eventually testified against the conversion therapy being done in his church, leading to the priests being convicted. Healing wasn’t easy for Jaebeom, he still screamed in his sleep sometimes but Jinyoung was always there by his side, taking care of him, and for them, that was more than enough.

[thepropertylovers]

Feature Friday with Matthew Chaffee

Happy Friday, friends. Though the weeks are running together and what day it is means almost nothing anymore, we’re so happy it’s finally the weekend. The last few weeks have been some of the busiest for us (feeling grateful for that) and we’re looking forward to relaxing just a bit this weekend. Do you have any fun plans?

This week’s Feature Friday is Matthew, who shares what it was like growing up in a conservative environment, the response he got from his senior high school class when he came out in front of them by reading an essay (!), and his advice for those struggling to come out. We enjoyed getting to know Matthew and we think you will, too. See what we mean below…

What is your favorite place you’ve ever traveled to and why? Unfortunately, my answer to this question isn’t very exciting. Growing up, my family never had a lot of extra money to spend on traveling, so most of our vacations consisted of road trips around the Midwest. Don’t get me wrong, I got to see some fascinating places and make great memories with my family, but I haven’t been anywhere particularly exotic. I have been to New York City twice, both times for a music department tour in high school, and I’d have to say that it’s probably my favorite place I’ve traveled to. It was so much bigger and so much more cosmopolitan than anything I had ever seen or was used to, so it was quite overwhelming. The sheer vibrancy of it all – the lights, the smells, the languages – was intoxicating. Attending a performance of Phantom of the Opera on Broadway would probably have to go on my list of top ten life experiences thus far. It’s definitely not somewhere I could live for any length of time, but for somewhere to visit, it was phenomenal. 

Where did you grow up? What was your environment like? I’ve spent the entirety of my life living in West Michigan, which, as you may or may not know, is pretty traditional and conservative. More specifically, I’m from Grandville, which is a city of about 16,000 located in the Greater Grand Rapids area. Dutch heritage and Reformed (Protestant) Christian values play a big role in shaping the culture of the circles I grew up in. I attended a Christian Reformed Church, and I was educated in a private Christian school where my graduating class consisted of approximately seventy students. My family consists of myself, my mother, my father, and my brother, who is five years younger than me. I am very close with my parents, and I’d say my relationship with my brother is typical of siblings with our age gap. Family and faith have always been central parts of my life, and I don’t foresee that changing. 

How did your environment growing up shape who you are as a person? Growing up in a pretty conservative area definitely had an impact on my younger years. I remember in elementary school, like many children, I would parrot my parents’ political views when “discussing” politics with my peers. However, with the growing revelation about my sexuality that came with puberty, my views slowly began to change. Another catalyst for my shifting views occurred in middle school, when a good friend of mine was deported to Guatemala due to an error in her parents’ paperwork. The injustice of it all really impacted me and opened my eyes to a world that before had been largely hidden. High school gave me my first opportunity to connect with international students. As I have always been interested in learning about different cultures, I quickly befriended them and even helped start my high school’s International Club, which provided opportunities for American and international students to interact and attend various cultural events. Finally, my Aunt Dawn and Uncle Tim have played a major role in exposing me to issues concerning social justice. Although both of them grew up in West Michigan – just like my parents – their life circumstances have provided them with opportunities not experienced by most of my other family members. Because of this, they have always stood out to me as being somehow “different”, more engaged and more vibrant and passionate than most people I know. As I grew older and began paying more attention to the things my Aunt and Uncle would talk about, I began to realize the value behind the causes they were advocating. When taken together, my friends, my family, my sexuality, and my desire to continuously learn and expand my horizons have shaped me into who I am today. 

What’s one interesting fact about you? Besides English, I’m speak conversational Spanish and basic French and Korean. I also can play piano and trumpet, and I love to sing (though I don’t know if I’m any good or not, since I’m too shy to sing in front of anyone). 

What is one thing you love about yourself? Learning to love myself hasn’t been easy; it’s a process, and definitely something I’m still working on. But one thing I’ve always been proud of is my imagination. I’m a dreamer, and my mind is a wild place. I keep a running note on my phone of all the random, crazy things I think up so that maybe someday I can make them happen. 

What brings you the most joy in life? Oh boy. There are so many things I could talk about here. I love being outdoors. In particular, I love to bike. Bike trails are plentiful where I live, and Grand Rapids has begun to install bike lanes, so getting around and finding new places to ride is a cinch. My favorite ride is from Grand Rapids out to Lake Michigan, which I do a few times every summer with my best friend. Other outdoor activities I enjoy are hiking and hammocking. I firmly believe that everyone should own a good hammock. In addition to outdoor activities, I love to cook and bake. My specialties are ice cream and gourmet mac & cheese. Someday I hope to write a mac & cheese cookbook and title it “MAC: The Complete Guy to Everyone’s Childhood Favorite” (M-A-C are my initials). I also make a mean hummus. I love to learn. I’ve spent countless hours on Wikipedia reading about the most arbitrary topics. Whether it’s German political parties or the Japanese folklore, I’ve probably read about it. Nothing is off limits. As a result, my mind is a veritable treasure trove of random and mostly useless facts. Finally, I find joy in spending quality time with friends and family. Whether it’s playing ultimate frisbee, exploring a new city, dumpster diving at Krispy Kreme (a tradition at my college), or having late-night campfire talks, I’m down for just about anything as long as I’m with the right people. 

How old were you when you came out? What was your experience like? My coming out experience was a rather long process. Pretty much as soon as I began to have romantic feelings toward people, I realized that I had them for both guys and girls. This was around fourth or fifth grade, and I told myself that it was normal, that I wasn’t actually attracted to guys, but that I just knew that some guys were really good-looking. Once I reached middle school, I started to come to terms with the fact that maybe I was attracted to guys. But I continued to tell myself that I was more attracted to girls. I did the whole “percentage” thing, where I was like, “okay, I’m eighty percent straight, twenty percent gay.” I first came out as bisexual to my friend Carly. Freshman year of high school I told a few more friends that I was bi, and it went over pretty well. Sophomore year I briefly dated a girl, then junior year I began dating another girl. That lasted for about a year until we broke up early spring of my senior year. The breakup gave me a lot to think about, but even while dating her I realized that something never really felt right; I could never really imagine myself with her – or with any girl for that matter – for the long term. After much soul searching, I finally accepted that I was gay. One of the last big projects senior year was the “Where I Stand” paper. This was an essay written by every senior for English class, and it was basically an opportunity to say whatever you wanted and to be really open and vulnerable and reflect on your life leading up to that point. I decided to incorporate my coming out into my paper. It wasn’t the central focus, rather more of a side note. Thankfully, my English teacher, Mrs. Hoeve (now Dr. Hoeve) was extremely supportive throughout the process. On the day when everyone shared their papers, I concluded mine to thunderous applause, which was especially remarkable considering the fact that most of my classmates came from the same conservative, Reformed Christian background as I did. On the whole, I couldn’t have asked for a better coming-out experience at school. 

How did your friends and family take it? Did you face any backlash? How did/do you deal with that? I waited to come out to my parents until after my graduation and open house in order to not burden them with the news. Finally, after the celebrations had ended, I let them read my paper. The fifteen minutes or so that I waited in my room while they read it downstairs were the most agonizing of my life, because I knew how earth-shattering the revelation would be to them. When they finally came up to my room, their expressions were pretty much what I’d expected – reassuring, yet somehow disheartening at the same time. They assured me that they still loved me, that they were proud of me, and that they were glad I had told them. Since that time, we have only discussed my sexuality on a few occasions. When I first told them that I was dating a guy, it was almost like coming out all over again; I think that revelation finally made my sexuality real to them. In the intervening time, I have seen my mom making definite strides in becoming more open-minded not just toward me but in general, which is great. My dad, though he accepts and loves me, is very set in his ways – though, to be fair, I have had fewer conversations with him regarding my sexuality. My dad’s parents disowned me when I came out to them, though that hasn’t had much of an impact on me due to the fact that I was never very close to them. My mom’s parents, on the other hand, have always been incredible grandparents to me, so coming out to them, especially knowing their stance on other issues, was pretty nerve- wracking. Incredibly, the news didn’t seem to affect them at all, and their treatment of me since that time hasn’t differed in the least; they are still the loving, generous grandparents I’ve always known, and for that I’m extremely thankful. My friends have all been very accepting as well, though this was to be expected considering I have always associated with my more relaxed, open-minded peers. 

What did you learn about yourself in the coming out process? One of the most meaningful lessons I’ve learned about myself in the coming-out process is truly understanding what I value and stand for. I was raised as a Christian, and my faith is still very important to me. If anything, it’s actually become stronger as I’ve navigated the ups and downs of my journey with my sexuality. I’ve talked with numerous gay men who, at one point or another, renounced religion for various reasons, but often those reasons involved the church’s negative treatment or exclusion of LGBTQ+ individuals. To me, this is heartbreaking. As someone who identifies both as gay and as a Christian, seeing the false dichotomy that has been constructed around these two identities is challenging and frustrating, because I personally don’t believe that such exclusivity has any place in either institution. At its core, Christianity is about love. Sure, there are endless theological arguments to be made, but I don’t believe that these are necessary in order for a Christian to be accepting of another’s sexuality. Indeed, many of my friends are Christians; these are the same friends who accept my sexuality and wholeheartedly support me. Furthermore, the professors at the private Christian university I attend vehemently assert that Christianity and social justice go hand- in-hand, and that this includes advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights. Seeing this kind of support coming from within circles that are often viewed as hostile toward the LGBTQ+ community has been so incredibly encouraging. Not only has this served to reinforce my identity as both a gay man and a Christian, but it has also provided me with confidence when speaking about these issues. 

What would you tell today’s LGBTQ youth who are struggling to come out in fear they won’t be accepted by family, friends, society? You just might be surprised. People you’d never expect to support you will rally around you and love you. It’s also possible that people who truly care about you, but who may not be supportive right now, will have a change of heart when they find out. Sometimes it takes time. Case in point: my own parents, who are still processing and learning about what it means to have a gay son. Know, too, that family can mean more than one thing. Friends are the family you choose, so seek out and surround yourself with people who will love and accept you for who you are, especially if your actual family doesn’t. As cliché as it sounds, it does get better. Sometimes you just have to put in the effort to make it better for yourself and accept the challenges along the way. 

What is a difficult or challenging obstacle you have overcame in your life, or hope to overcome? By far the most difficult obstacle I’ve had to overcome in my life has been my struggle with mental illness, namely anxiety and depression. I was extremely anxious as a young child, to the point where I would induce vomiting before any sort of performance or sporting event so that it wouldn’t happen while on stage or on the field. Looking back, I think my anxiety was to blame for a lot of missed opportunities. For example, I don’t view myself as a particularly athletic person. But is this actually true? Or did I just never really try for fear of failure? Anxiety also manifests itself in my relationships. Elementary school friendships were rocky at best, and college presented its own challenges with meeting people and putting myself out there. More recently, depression has been a major struggle in my life. As I mentioned, I struggled initially to make friends at college (though this has since changed), and as I result, I became very depressed. I saw all the people around me getting settled into their friend groups while I felt alone. There was a point where my loneliness led me to seriously contemplate suicide, and I believe that perhaps the only thing that stopped me was when a friend checked in on me and gave me a hug. Since that time, I’ve been working on slowly but surely moving my center of identity to within myself, rather than placing it in other people and their judgements of me. I am focusing on pursuing my hobbies and interests, taking time to care for myself, and accepting my emotions as valid while simultaneously analyzing them through an objective lens. By doing this, I have become less worried about maintaining relationships and instead have been able to be present and actually enjoy them while also feeling more comfortable in the times when I’m alone. 

Who is your biggest inspiration and why? My biggest inspiration is my mom’s sister Dawn. She is one of the wisest, most thoughtful, and most gracious people I know. I actually came out to her before I told my parents; due to her close relationship with my mom, I knew she would have some good suggestions for how to break the news to them, and that she would be able to help my mom process the news after the fact. To give an idea of the type of person Dawn is, here’s a little anecdote: When I worked as a Resident Assistant in college, I had a resident come out to me. I was thrilled and honored to have him entrust me with such a significant part of his identity, and I really valued the opportunity to walk alongside him in his journey. I mentioned to him the role Dawn had played in my own coming-out process, and he asked if she might be willing to offer some advice to his mom. I reached out to Dawn, and she willingly agreed. I came to find out later from this resident that his mother and my aunt had talked for over an hour on the phone. I don’t know very many people who would go so far out of their way to help and support a complete stranger. 

Where do you see yourself in five years? Oh boy. Honestly, I try not to plan too far ahead, because that can be dangerous for an overthinking dreamer like me. But if I had to say, five years from now I actually hope to be doing exactly what you guys (PJ & Thomas) are doing. I joke that my dream is to have my own HGTV show, and while the odds of that happening are slim to none, I’d be happy to flip houses and develop property even without a TV show. I also hope to meet the man of my dreams, get married, and start a family, though this might take a little longer than five years down the road to happen. My greatest fear is actually never finding love. I know it seems a little ridiculous for a twenty-one-year-old to be worrying about that sort of thing, but it’s hard when you have friends who have been in serious relationships for years or who are getting engaged. I have to keep reminding myself that people find love at different times and in different places, and that I shouldn’t compare my own journey with others’.

Any last words you want to leave people with? Feel free to share! Feel free to message me! I always love getting to meet new people and hear their stories.

Thank you so much, Matthew! You can follow him on Instagram here. Hope you have a great weekend, friends!! xx

P&T

[peaceisadirtyword]

I’m here (Modern!Hvitserk/Reader)

A/N: Hello! I’m so sorry I haven’t been too active in here these past days, I've been studying and all of that😞 I still have to read some fics and look at some posts you tagged me in!💕 This is a request from the lovely @justrepostandlove thank you so much, love, I enjoyed a lot writing for modern! Hvitty and I hope you like it!♥️ 

Warnings: mentions of sex, soft Hvitty, mentions of violence and robbery!

Words: 3349

gif belongs to @whenimaunicorn

Fridays were the worst. It seemed like everyone had the same idea and wanted to spend their night in the bar, drinking a number of beers that they would probably regret tomorrow. 

You were so busy serving beers that you didn't even realize they entered the bar.

They went every single Friday night, and they always were the last ones leaving the bar. And even if you weren't paying attention, you immediately smiled when you caught a glimpse of Hvitserk's face. 

Hvitserk had four brothers, two older and two younger, and they went out together every Friday, always stopping by the bar you worked in. 

You would never tell anyone, but they were your favorite clients. 

"Hello there" you heard a familiar voice that made your heart skip a beat and turned around to look at him as you poured another beer.

"Hello, Hvitserk" you smiled widely at him, giving the beer to another client "What can I get you?"

"Five beers, please" his charming smile made you blush "How are you doing today?"

You shrugged as you started preparing his order.

"Busy, but fine... How about you? You're here earlier than usual"

"I wanted to... We wanted to come here to see if... Well, if there was too many people, to get a table and all of that..." he cleared his throat, blushing softly "I didn't see you last week"

"No, sorry" you pouted "My parents came to visit me and I took the day off to spend more time with them" 

"Oh, that's nice" his eyes lightened up "I thought maybe you were on a date or something"

"What? No" you chuckled, putting the fifth beer in front of him. 

Ubbe, Hvitserk's older brother, appeared next to him, with a big smile and patting his brother's shoulder. 

"Thank you, Y/N" he smiled at you, winking and taking three of the beers all by himself "Come on, Hvitty, stop flirting and come, we found a table" 

Hvitserk blushed again and you giggled as he took the two beers left.

"See you, Y/N" he smiled one last time before disappearing into the crowd.

"Oh, I thought we already lost you, Hvitty" Björn teased when he got to the table, sitting down next to Ubbe while looking at the bar, watching you as you smiled and greeted another client. 

"Shut up" Hvitserk frowned, glaring at his brother "I just asked her how was everything going"

"And why don't you stop being a fucking coward and ask her out?" Ivar rolled his eyes, annoyed "How many months have we been coming here so you could see her?"

"Six" Ubbe answered "And every single Friday he says he will ask her"

"Come on, shut up now" Hvitserk scoffed "I just... She's... I don't know" 

"I never knew I would see the day Hvitserk would be shy in front of a girl"

"What if she has a boyfriend?"

"She doesn't" Ubbe rolled his eyes "But if you keep being a coward she might get one"

"Y/N is beautiful, smart, nice, funny... Now that I'm thinking about it, she's too much for you" Ivar shrugged, taking a sip of his beer and smiling wickedly when Hvitserk frowned.

"What Ivar is trying to say" Björn glared at Ivar before looking at Hvitserk "Is that Y/N is an amazing girl and you have to make a move, she might say no, but I don't think so"

"And if she says no" Ubbe shrugged "It's fine, you have nothing to lose"

Hvitserk rubbed his eyes. He had never been nervous around a girl. Usually, they were the ones going to him and asking him out... If they could, why couldn't he? 

Every single Friday he promised himself he would ask you out. Maybe to grab a coffee, maybe to have dinner, go to the cinema... Those were the typical dates, right? 

But what if you laughed at him and said no? He would die. Besides, he didn't want you to think he wanted a one night stand... 

"I haven't been with a girl for months" he confessed, waiting for his brothers' laugh. 

Instead of that, he received intense stares, with widened eyes. Even Ivar seemed to be surprised.

"Hvitserk, are you okay?" Sigurd frowned, worried about his brother... What had happened?

"Yes" he rolled his eyes "I'm perfectly fine, it's just that... I don't know, I just can't be with someone else, even if it's just sex, I keep thinking about her" he growled, covering his face with his hands "I went to the club a few times and I told every single girl that approached that I had a girlfriend... What is wrong with me, guys?" 

Ubbe smiled widely, hugging his brother tightly with one of his arms, proud. 

"I knew this would happen, I knew it!" he laughed "The first time we entered this place and he stood there, staring at Y/N for like ten minutes... Yes, finally" 

Maybe Ubbe was a bit tired of having his brother constantly fucking random girls, receiving calls from more than one of those girls saying they might be pregnant, or going to the doctor twice a month to make sure Hvitserk hasn't got a sexually transmitted disease.

"Congrats brother, you met the girl"

"It's called love" Sigurd smiled, making Ivar roll his eyes. 

"Fuck off, you all know he will fuck her and he'll get tired, as always" he scoffed "By the way, stop giving my number to your girls, Hvitserk, I'm tired of them calling and crying because you won't call them back"

"I won't" Hvitserk replied "Y/N is different, she's special, I won't just fuck her, you know"

"Let's hope she's smart enough to avoid you"

Finally, it was over. 

You sighed tiredly as you finished cleaning the glasses, yawning softly. It was almost half past three in the morning, and all the costumers already left... Well, almost all of them... The five brothers were still on their table, laughing and talking. You tried not to look on their direction much, as every time you did, you would see Hvitserk's eyes on you, which made you blush and look away instantly. 

You always liked Hvitserk, since the first time you saw him, with his charming smile and flirting with a girl next to the bar. As you shyly asked them if they wanted anything else, the girl just dismissed you, but he looked at you, eyes widening and smile fading. 

Since then, he came back with his brothers every weekend, though you didn't pay much attention to him, as you figured he was a player and you certainly didn't need more of those in your life. But then one day he defended you when one of the costumers was being rude. You were used to deal with drunk men with grabby hands that got mad when you politely declined their offers to have "the best night of your life with them", but that day it was being more difficult. The sweet and charming Hvitserk became an intimidating, serious man that managed to get rid of him quicker than you ever had. 

"I know you don't need me to defend yourself, I've seen you doing it, but... He was getting on my nerves too, sorry" he had excused himself, smiling softly. 

You thanked him, and since then, you couldn't get him out of your mind.

But you figured he wasn't interested. You had heard rumors about him... And the never-ending list of girls he had been with. Though every single smile and wink seemed sincere, you didn't want to be one of those girls. And, obviously, he wasn't interested. 

It would have been easier to fall in love with Ubbe or with Sigurd, whose reputations were way better, but you couldn't help it. Hvitserk was so care-free, funny, handsome... You loved the way his beautiful eyes lightened up every time he laughed, and how he ran his hands through his honey colored hair. 

Honestly, you understood every single girl on his "list".

"Hey, Y/N, sorry we got carried away" his voice startled you, interrupting your thoughts and making you blush "It's late... Do you want me to help you with anything?" He bit his lip, feeling guilty for staying so late.

"Oh, no" you recomposed yourself pretty quickly, smiling at him and shaking your head "It's totally fine, I got it" 

"You sure?" He frowned.

"Yeah, yeah, of course" 

You quickly cleaned up the glasses left, your hands almost shaking. His brothers were outside, smoking and waiting for him, but he stayed there until you were finished, which you appreciated. It was nice to have some company as you turned off the lights and walked out, him following you. 

You grabbed your coat and your purse and left the bar. Hvitserk helped to close the door as he cleared his throat. 

"I... wanted to ask you something" he touched his hair again, and you tried not to smile.

"Go on, then" you smiled, trying to encourage him. 

"I... Well, there's... There's this girl I really like" he pouted, and you tried to hide the fact that those words broke your heart with a small nod, though your smile faded a bit "And I've been wanting to ask her out for months but I don't know how should I do it..." He looked at you, was he nervous? He was so cute you would have giggled if he wasn't telling you he like someone else. 

"Oh, well..." You cleared your throat "I'm not the best person to ask about this because I'm not really good with these things but... I think you should just tell her..." You cleared your throat. 

"Just like that?"

"Yeah, just go and tell her: hey, would you like to go to the cinema or have dinner, or something"

"Okay" he sighed "I'll do that"

"Okay" you looked away, awkwardly "I... Should go home... Thanks for helping me" you managed to smile at him softly.

"Yeah, sure, no problem, bye" he muttered, frowning as you turned around and started walking "Shit" he rubbed his eyes, watching you walking away from him. 

After a minute biting his lip and looking at you intensely, he started running to you, knowing he was going to regret that, but he honestly didn't care. 

"Y/N! Hey, Y/N!" He panted when you stopped and turned around to look at him, your beautiful big eyes blinking in confusion.

"Yes?" 

"I... Would you... Would you like to go to the cinema or to have dinner tomorrow?" He cleared his throat, his heart beating faster and faster "With me, I mean" he chuckled nervously.

You widened your eyes, looking at him speechless. 

"Are you... Are you asking me on a date?" 

"I think so?" He frowned, biting his lip. Idiot, idiot, idiot, can't you see she's not into you? She's obviously too much for you, Ivar was right, she deserves better...

You sighed. You shouldn't, you stupid girl... You know about his reputation! 

But he looked sincere and nervous. He deserves a chance, doesn't he?

"Dinner sounds amazing" you finally answered, smiling widely. Hvitserk breathed deeply in relief. 

"That's good, I..." He took his phone out, quickly unlocking it and giving it to you "Give me your number and I will call you, if you want..."

You nodded, taking his phone and quickly typing your number before giving it back at him.

"So... See you tomorrow?" you asked, your heart beating fast and your cheeks reddening.

"Yes" he smiled brightly at you "Do you want me to take you home?"

"Oh, no, it's fine" you shrugged "I don't live far and I can take care of myself, don't worry"

"Okay, see you then..."

"Bye" you shyly waved at him before turning around and start walking again. 

He was still grinning like an idiot, looking at your number on his phone when he reached his brothers.

"Oh, look at this!” Björn, obviously a bit drunk, hugged at him and laughed "Little Hvitty in love"

"Ivar" Ubbe smirked, as his younger brother rolled his eyes and took out some money, which Ubbe took quickly "Told you"

"Did you guys make a bet?" Hvitserk frowned.

"Yes, little brother, and I'm so proud of you..."

"She disappointed me, I thought she was smarter" Ivar scoffed while lighting a new cigarette.

You were cleaning up some tables, waiting until the few last clients left the bar. As it was Monday, you were closing the bar at midnight, and your coworker left earlier as she had her family at home. 

Just when you were going to get back to the bar and dry some glasses, someone hugged you from behind, kissing your neck softly.

"Hvitserk" you smiled, trying to get free from his grip. You could feel him smiling against your skin "Come on, I'm working"

"I know" he muttered "But I miss you, it's not twelve already?"

"No, there's half an hour left" you giggled "And you literally saw me one hour ago"

Since that first date, you started going out with Hvitserk at least three times a week. He kissed you on your second date, but he wanted to take his time with you, so both of you didn't have sex until you were seeing each other for nearly two months. 

Hvitserk was even better than you thought. On your first date, he brought you to a lovely Italian restaurant, as he remembered you mentioned pasta was your absolute favorite. He was a true gentleman with you, really different from what you had heard. 

"Fine" he sighed, getting away from you. He knew you weren't comfortable with PDA while working and he respected that "I'll wait outside, okay princess? And then we can go to your apartment and watch some movies... I bought popcorn" he smiled excitedly. 

"Sounds perfect" you smiled at him "See you later, love"

He winked at you before turning around and walking to the door. You bit your lip looking at him before going back to work.  

The last clients left, smiling at you as you wished them a good night. Since Hvitserk came to pick you up after work, you were so excited and happy that were extra nice with the costumers, even the drunk ones.

You turned off part of the lights to make sure no one would enter, and started cleaning up the bar quickly, wanting nothing more than leave with Hvitserk and cuddle up with him on your couch.

But just when you were almost finished, you heard someone entering the bar. You frowned and turned around.

"Sorry but we're closing n..." You couldn't finish your sentence as someone shoved a knife to your throat. 

"Shut up, and open the cash register now!" You gasped when you saw two big guys, both with knifes on his hands and a large bag.

"What...?" You tried to speak, but one of them slapped at you, making you whimper.

"Shut the fuck up!" He yelled "Now give us all the money you have or I will cut your throat, do you understand, bitch?" 

You pressed your lips together, fighting the urge of defending yourself. They were armed and the only thing you had that looked more like a weapon was the empty bottle of whisky you just throw to the trash. 

You though about screaming and call for Hvitserk, but he wouldn't hear you, and besides you didn't want to put him in danger, with those guys...

Your hands were shaking as you entered the code to open the cash register. One of the guys was still pressing his knife against your throat and the other one was looking outside the window.

"Don't you try any tricks or try and call the police" the guy growled next to you "And hurry up!" 

You said nothing, tears rolling down your cheeks and finally taking out the money.  

"Quickly!" the other guy started putting the money on the bag.

"Is that all?" He asked, pressing the knife even harder against your neck, you put your hands over his.

"Yes, yes" you sobbed, feeling some drops of blood roll down your neck "That is all"

"It's not much"

"Today is Monday, there hasn't been that many people" you explained, your voice shaking with fear. 

"I don't believe her" the other guy started looking around, suspicious. 

Hvitserk looked at his watch again, frowning in confusion. It was almost twenty past twelve, and you usually were out at five past twelve, as it didn't take too much time to close the pub. He sighed, unlocking his phone. You hadn't texted him, as you usually did if you finished a bit later than usual, and your last connection was more than an hour ago... 

He looked out of his car's window, he had a bad feeling and he decided he would get out and enter the pub, only to make sure you were okay.

But as he entered the pub he froze, seeing two guys threatening you. He immediately reacted, closing the door and walking to them.

"Hey, you, drop that and get away from her" he ordered, clenching his jaw.

"Who the fuck are you?" The guy screamed, and you widened you eyes looking at him. 

"I said leave her alone" 

"Get closer and I will fucking kill her" he threatened, nervous by the sudden apparition of Hvitserk.

He immediately stopped. He was angry and wanted nothing more than kill that son of a bitch, but he wasn't going to risk your life.

The other guy, who was still counting the money, took his knife and walked to him. You wanted to scream, not wanting Hvitserk to get harmed. 

But he didn't look scared. He fought off the big guy, who was almost as tall as him, easier than you would have imagined. 

Hvitserk managed to break his arm to make him drop the knife and then grabbed his hair, pushing his head against one of the tables violently, which made him fall to the floor unconscious. 

The guy holding you gasped, looking around nervously. He wasn't counting on someone being there other than you, and now he was scared, which made him even more dangerous. 

Hvitserk took the other guy's knife, pointing to the one holding you with it, eyes narrowed and lips pressed together. 

"I'm telling you one last time, drop that knife and get away from her"

You took advantage of the confusion of the guy and kicked his knee, making him howl in pain as he freed you from his grip. Hvitserk quickly got to him, kicking the knife out of his hand and grabbing his neck. 

You took the empty bottle out of the trash. Hitting the guy on the head. 

Hvitserk quickly let the guy fall, kneeling to your side and hugging you tightly. 

"Are you okay? Did they harm you? Oh my god, you're bleeding" he fussed over you, drying your tears with his hands.

"I'm okay" you muttered, still shaking in fear. Hvitserk hugged you again. You had some blood on your neck and some cuts on your hands, as the bottle broke when you hit the guy with it. 

Hvitserk quickly called the police, and immediately kissed your head when he hung up. 

"It's okay, love, I'm here" he whispered "It's over now, I won't let them hurt you, okay?" 

You nodded, hugging him tighter. 

"Come on, let's go outside" he muttered "The police will be here soon, do you want some water or something?"

You shook your head as he helped you to get up, guiding you to the door. Outside, you started crying again... You could have died.

Hvitserk frowned, not really knowing what to do or say to make you feel better, so he just hug you tightly, caressing your hair. 

"Thank you" you sobbed against his chest. 

"It's okay, it's over now... Please princess, stop crying" he kissed your cheek softly "I will always protect you, love, even when you don't need me to" he cupped your cheek softly, kissing your lips "I love you, Y/N"

Tags: @mblaqgi @alicedopey @lol-haha-joke @hallowed-heathen @ivarslittlebadgirl @naaladareia @tephi101 @captstefanbrandt @love-hate-love @titty-teetee @readsalot73 @moondustmemories @thevikingsheaux @therealcalicali @chimera4plums @blushingskywalker @awkwardfangirl02 @anarchy-is-coming @justacripple @heartbeats-wildly

I hope you liked it♥️ thank you for reading!😘

[empaths-hsp]

I’m Sensitive, and I Drank to Turn It Off

Many people can drink for fun, have a glass or two, and then walk away. My drinking was always bigger. If I went out to a concert, a pub, or a party — any place or event where I’d be around loud noises, bright lights, or an uncertain social landscape (or, my total nightmare: all three!) — I was quick to order a drink (or three, or five) to settle my extreme overwhelm.

It didn’t help that my mother was a social butterfly. She liked her home time, yes, but when she went out, she went all out, and she made it look so natural. In contrast, I was quieter, the type to observe and read a room before making my move (preferably to a corner, with a book or a sketch pad). But it was hard to get her voice out of my head repeating the advice she gave me time and time again as I grew up: Be more outgoing. Flirt. Get out more. The world is your stage.

Looking back now, I can see how alcohol helped me handle social situations as a highly sensitive person (HSP) — someone who processes information more deeply, making them more physically and emotionally sensitive than most people. Decades ago, when I first read about the signs that you’re a highly sensitive person, it was a lightbulb moment. It explained why the world felt so overwhelming. 

I startled easily. I was sensitive to loud noises. A wool sweater felt like agony (so much poking, so much itching). Strong smells gave me headaches and a sore throat. Bright lights felt too intense. I had a rich inner world. And I was very unsettled by change — good or bad, it didn’t matter. The list went on.

But there was something else. As I learned about my high sensitivity, I realized I had picked up a habit of numbing myself from overwhelm by turning to alcohol.

Discovering Alcohol Felt Like an Answer

Alcohol was a big part of life growing up. My mother developed quick camaraderies against a backdrop of empty beer pitchers, cigarette smoke, loud music, and laughter. Seeing it in action as a child, it never seemed right. Playing bartender in the house as a teen, watching the grownups she’d invited over laugh and stagger around — and sometimes fight and bicker — it didn’t feel right either.

Then I discovered something that helped my anxiety: Vodka. And sweet red wine. Those were my early poisons of choice. They were plentiful in the house, and I was permitted a glass or two when mom was around, mainly because I think it cheered me up and made me jolly, something of which she approved. (Plus she was European, so a teen consuming a glass of wine was no big deal.) 

When my mom went out, I’d experiment with the contents of the liquor cabinet. Me plus vodka and juice meant I didn’t feel so alone. Me plus rum and cola meant I didn’t feel so anxious. I felt like I’d found the answer.

Bottom’s Up, Worries Out

College amplified my dependency. In class I felt fine, but going out was painful. Park me next to a neon beer sign with the music turned up high, and I felt clumsy and shy, like I had nothing in common with anyone. 

I wasn’t into flirting with — or even just casually chatting with — any random guy. I wasn’t the girl who made fast friends or who always had dates. That kind of thing felt like a violation. I didn’t want that much intimacy with someone I barely knew. I wanted a connection, but I didn’t find that in the nightlife. It hurt. Alcohol helped. It blurred and muted any anxieties when I felt out of place. 

Because sober in a packed club, I felt like the third wrong answer on an episode of “Family Feud”: Three vivid red X’s and a loud, grating sound to announce my disqualification. When I drank, it felt better. Or rather, I felt less wrong. Sometimes I was even fun! And funny! Having a drink before heading out calmed jittery nerves. In retrospect, I was only getting ridiculously blitzed, but I felt better simply because it made me unable to feel.

When Alcohol Became a Bad Habit

Fast-forward a few years: Now I had a full-time job but the same old anxieties. Drinks to the rescue! I was scared walking into any place, even if it was to meet coworkers after our shifts were done, but what kept me moving forward was I knew I could rely on liquid courage. One drink put me at ease. Three made me funnier. Five made me not care. I may as well have been in a room of blurs and blobs and noise.

The self-medication exacted a toll. I never totally blacked out, got arrested, or woke up with a stranger in my bed, but I usually paid the next day. After being sick to my stomach, sleeping horribly, and waking with a killer headache, I would experience horrible lows. I came to call them my Dementors, after the prison guards in the Harry Potter series that sucked all the joy out of a soul. I couldn’t see those filmy glee-suckers hovering over my chest, but I could feel them.

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Signs You’re Drinking to Numb Your Sensitivity

I tried to tell myself to try to stop earlier in the night, so I wouldn’t get so sick or feel so low. Just have two and quit, I’d say. I failed the first time I tried that. I also failed the fifth time, and probably the twentieth. I knew I was hurting myself, putting myself and others at risk for accidents, and making myself more vulnerable to assault. Never mind the wear and tear my liver was getting. 

Then by chance I started to read up on problem drinking and alcoholism:

Did I need a drink to get through the day? No. 

Was it getting me into trouble with the law? No. Well, not yet. (If I was being perfectly honest with myself, I was playing a game of chicken with getting a DWI. At that rate it wasn’t a matter of if but when.)

Was I binging (four drinks on an occasion, for a woman)? Yes, pretty much every single time. 

Could I stop at one or two? Honestly, I hadn’t been able to thus far. My resolve always vanished quickly. 

I only started to connect the dots between being highly sensitive and trying to numb that part of me at that point. I began to see how I was drinking to self-medicate, to protect myself from feeling so overwhelmed. Everything was too bright. Too loud. Too hectic. Too crowded. Alcohol helped shield me from the reality of a night out. But that meant lying to myself about who I was. When I finally realized that I pulled back and refocused.

‘Me Time,’ Not ‘Long Island Iced Tea Time’

In the months and years that followed, I quietly began focusing on myself, and finding ways to connect with others that didn’t involve alcohol. It wasn’t easy, but one day I started chatting with someone at my job, another quiet soul. The conversation flowed — we had enough in common to connect, but enough differences to keep it interesting. The best part: I didn’t feel like I had to be anything other than myself around him. 

I’d finally found something I’d wanted all along: Someone who I wanted to be around, and somebody who wanted to be around me. Nearly 17 years later, we’re still married. We like the quiet. And bookstores. And staying out of crowded, noisy spaces. And we’ll have a drink now and then, but it’s to enjoy the flavor. Not to numb. Not anymore.

[inyournightmares97]

NO JAM

In which Bambam likes parties, but only when a certain person is around.

Warnings: Strong language, extensive partying (because Bambam, lmao)

Word Count: 4.3k+

Hey,

Everyone gather round,

Girl, not over there, over here

Put off all your worries until tomorrow

The first time Bambam saw her, it was at a party.

It had been one of Jackson Wang’s parties, which were often filled with so many people that it was hard to find somebody you did know. Yugyeom was in charge of the music, and Bambam was hanging around near the sound system as the two of them selected what songs to play. It was about halfway into the party when a slightly tipsy girl had approached, glaring at them angrily.

“You do know this is the fifth Chris Brown song you buffoons have played tonight?” she demanded, voice slightly slurred. She was hot; Bambam had to tear his eyes away from the sliver of skin showing above her jeans and her low-cut top. “Do you want to know how shitty my week has been? I put up with so much in the hopes of finally getting drunk and letting loose on Friday and you morons are not going to ruin my mood by playing shitty music.”

Yugyeom looked startled, while Bambam watched her, amused.

“Uh- what do you want us to play-“

“Move.” She snatched the phone that was connected to the speakers and scrolled through it, her expression becoming more horrified by the second as she looked at the collection of songs on the playlist. “This won’t do,” she said firmly. She began typing furiously and a few seconds, the opening notes of a Bigbang song started playing. She handed the cellphone back to Yugyeom.

“Change it and I will murder you.”

Bambam’s eyes following her as she strutted away to re-join a group of people, and started dancing with them. She was clearly drunk because she was dancing a little wildly and he found himself smiling when she whacked somebody in the face by accident and had to stop dancing to apologize to them.

“She looks like a lot of fun, eh?” Bambam mused lightly.

Yugyeom gave him a knowing look. “Forget it. She’s out of your league. Also, she seems kind of crabby.”

“She just doesn’t like Chris Brown. It can happen,” Bambam mused. By the time he turned around to find the girl again, though, she had disappeared. He frowned and looked around. Where had she gone? He suddenly realized that the group of people she had been with were gone too and he frowned. Damn it. He hadn’t even gotten her name. Pity. He would have liked to know her.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Hey, Save me a spot next to you,

You say that I’m selfish but you can’t win,

Because you already want me.

The second time Bambam saw her, the circumstances were considerably different.

He was waiting outside Jinyoung’s elite, overly-prestigious university, having borrowed the older boy’s car for a couple of days to take a short road trip. Jinyoung was anal about his belongings and would probably throw a huge fit at some invisible scratch that he was convinced Bambam had made on his precious car. Bambam was preparing himself for the tantrum, twirling the keys as he waited in the University parking lot.

“Yeah, hyung, I’m outside. Your car’s fine,” Bambam reassured him.

Jinyoung scoffed over the line. “You’ll be paying for the damages, Bambam, I’m not worried. Where exactly are you? I’m on my way.”

Bambam narrowed his eyes to read the sign on the building near him. “I’m outside the…. Uh… the T-thermo-dynamics Lab? Is that how you pronounce it? Hyung, please hurry up. I’m getting weird looks from your nerdy, smart-ass college mates here.”

“That’s cause you’re wearing an animal print jacket. I see you.”

Bambam hung up and raised a hand in greeting at Jinyoung. He was approaching from across the lawn, carrying a pile of books in his arms and closely followed by a young girl who was struggling to keep up with Jinyoung’s strides. As they neared, Bambam could hear the girl talking to Jinyoung in a rapid, worried tone.

“- and Professor Lee was being completely unreasonable about letting me change the topic of my thesis. Do you think I should talk to her again, sunbaenim? That hypothesis is all but disproved, wouldn’t I just be wasting my time conducting all those experiments to establish something we know already?” the girl was rattling on. “I noticed that all the physics majors who got amazing grades on their theses all came up with new and innovative hypotheses but-“

Jinyoung cut her off briefly. “Can you hold that thought for a second, Chaeun? Bambam! The hell did you do to my taillight?”

Bambam winced slightly. “Ah- I’ll pay for that, hyung-“

“You are so dead. You’re going to get a bill for that tomorrow!” Jinyoung snapped, as he walked around the car to inspect it for any less obvious damage. The girl, Chaeun, was standing awkwardly, clutching books in her arms and pushing her large glasses up her nose. She turned and made eye contact with Bambam and her eyes widened slightly.

“Hey!” Bambam cried, surprised. “Aren’t you that girl from Jackson’s party?”

The girl’s eyes were the size of dinner plates, and she was shaking her head at him rapidly, placing a finger over her lips to signal Bambam to be quiet. Jinyoung, who had been inspecting his windows, glanced up. “Jackson’s party?” he asked distractedly.

Chaeun laughed awkwardly. “Jackson- who’s Jackson?” she asked.

Bambam frowned. “I swear I saw you at the party! You were the drunk girl who came up to me and Yugyeom last Friday, you scolded him for playing Chris Brown songs. Remember?” he pressed. Jinyoung was looking between them curiously.

“Really? You were at Jackson’s party, Chaeun?” Jinyoung asked with raised eyebrows.

Chaeun shook her head rapidly. “No way, sunbaenim! I, uh- I was at the library on Friday working on my thesis. How would I have gone to a party? You must be mistaken.”

Bambam frowned. “But I swear-“

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Bambam. Leave her alone. Chaeun, why don’t we talk about your thesis tomorrow? Meet me after class with a summary of your thesis topic and we’ll discuss its viability. If there’s honestly no scope then I’ll have a word with Professor Lee for you.”

Chaeun beamed and nodded. “Thank you, sunbaenim!”

Jinyoung snatched his keys from Bambam before getting into his car and driving away. Bambam was left feeling a little confused, when he suddenly felt a book hit his arm, hard. He winced and turned to look at the girl in shock. Chaeun was glaring at him and there was no doubt she was the same girl from Jackson’s party. “You idiot!” she snapped. “What is wrong with you? I was signaling for you to keep your mouth shut!”

Bambam pouted. “So you are the girl from the party? Why did you want me to keep quiet?”

“Because you were just about to tell my mentor and sunbae that I was out partying last Friday night instead of working on my thesis,” she pointed out, as though it was obvious. Bambam folded his arms across his chest and smiled. He had to admit, Chaeun looked very different. Her hair was tied up in a bun and there were thick glasses on her face. Nothing like the girl from the party in the tight jeans. “I can’t possibly finish my thesis without Jinyoung-sunbae’s help, so don’t make me look bad in front of him, okay?”

“I see,” Bambam replied.

“Good. So keep your mouth shut.”

“I won’t say anything to Jinyoung-hyung,” he agreed with a grin. “If you agree to get coffee with me.”  

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

DJ turn the music up, sick beat,

Here on the dance floor today with me,

Swing your body,

Come to my table and let’s drink up

Chaeun had to admit, her relationship with Bambam was a weird one.

They spent Friday nights at whatever party was being thrown in the area that weekend, or at the nearest club, madly drunk and dancing wildly. Bambam was a blast to be around and the two of them were often matching each other shot-for-shot and showing off their moves until their bodies were sore and they were severely hung-over the next day.

On normal weekdays, though, Bambam would often stop by her university after her classes ended and they would find a cozy corner in the nearest coffee shop, sipping on Americanos and whining about how anal Jinyoung-hyung was, and how Chaeun’s professor was a sexist pig, and how the raisin-bran muffins tasted disgusting so why did the café even sell them?

There was literally no in-between.

Chaeun was just leaving class on Friday evening when her phone buzzed with a new text message. She opened it, already knowing that it was going to be from Bambam. He never failed to text her on Fridays. It was mostly to invite her out with his friends; Chaeun found herself partying in a group with Yugyeom and Jungkook and Lisa most of the time, but sometimes they would all be busy and Bambam would still insist that the he and Chaeun hit the clubs.

“They’re no fun,” he would say dismissively when Yugyeom would claim to have an exam on Monday, or Lisa would ditch them for a date with her boyfriend. “Let’s just go ourselves? We don’t need them.”

It was a de-stress thing, and the week felt odd without partying on Friday night. Chaeun knew it wasn’t completely normal. Neither of them ever went home with anybody. Chaeun wasn’t even interested in hooking up with random guys- frankly, she found the idea of waking up in a stranger’s bed kind of scary. Despite Bambam’s hard-partying ways, she’d never once seen him hook up with a girl or even disappear at the end of the night. No matter how drunk they were or how late it was, he would always drop her off at home himself.

Somewhere along the line, Chaeun had begun to gradually grow more and more fond of Bambam.

The text message that she received today was similar to the usual ones. She slid the chat open and read it silently to herself.

‘Dude, Jaebum-hyung’s birthday party today. I’ll text you the address. It’ll be awesome, we bought a shit load of booze already.’

Chaeun tilted her head slightly. The dude part bothered her a little; it made her feel like she was getting bro-zoned but she forced herself not to pay it much mind. Bambam talked like that, he probably thought it was cool. His slight childishness was endearing after a while.

She texted back. ‘Who is this Jaebum-hyung? I don’t know him.’

Bambam’s reply was instant. ‘Who cares? He’s cool. Do you need me to pick you up?’

‘No, I’ll be there.’

She had just slid her phone back into her pocket, when a familiar figure appeared in front of her. Jinyoung was approaching her with glasses perched on his nose as he balanced a few files in his arms. Chaeun smiled at him politely. She was not ashamed to admit that she’d once had a crush on Park Jinyoung; his boyfriend sweaters and polite mannerisms were enough to make any girl swoon. But that had faded away recently, and Chaeun started finding him a little boring and uptight, more than anything else.

“Chaeun!” Jinyoung greeted her with a kind smile. “How are you doing?”

“Ah- I’m doing fine, sunbae-nim. How are you?”

“Not bad. I haven’t heard from you lately. How’s the thesis going? I thought you would mail me your progress last week. I hope you haven’t come across any hurdles in your research?” he asked kindly.

How can I come across hurdles when I haven’t even researched anything? she thought to herself. She’d been so busy lately that she’d barely had time to work on it. Chaeun felt a little ashamed to admit that to Jinyoung, though. All her classmates agreed that she was lucky to have him as a mentor. The last thing she wanted him to think was that she wasn’t serious about her academics.

“Oh- that- I’ve been kind of busy, sunbae-nim, I haven’t made much progress…” she admitted reluctantly.

Jinyoung gave her a disappointed look. “I know exams are nearing, but you shouldn’t slow progress on your thesis, Chaeun. It’s better to have your full draft prepared well in advance.”

Chaeun panicked. “I know, I know! I’m going to work on it all weekend, and I’ll send you my progress by Monday, sunbae-nim. I have a couple of deviations I wanted to run by you first, so maybe on Monday…”

Jinyoung nodded. “Sounds great. I look forward to reading it.”

Chaeun winced slightly as Jinyoung walked away. How was she going to get the work done by Monday in time to show it to Jinyoung-sunbae? She’d literally have to work with a hangover tomorrow morning, assuming that Bambam convinced her to take as many shots as he usually did. Should she skip the party and work on her thesis? She sighed as her phone buzzed again.

It was another text from Bambam, this time containing Jaebum’s address.

Well, then. Working with a hangover over the weekend it was.

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A party without you is no fun,

Everything can only start once you’re here,

I feel like, oh no, I don’t feel good.

“Dude!” Bambam greeted her, once she entered the jam-packed apartment.

It was crowded and filled with sweaty bodies and the smell of alcohol; the best kind of party there was. Chaeun had taken a few seconds to spot Bambam and Yugyeom. Bambam had come hurrying over to her instantly, and had given her a hug in greeting. She took a deep whiff of his deodorant and hugged him back lightly before releasing him. Bambam’s hair was up; his forehead was showing and he looked surprisingly handsome.

“You dressed up today,” she teased him lightly. “Is that hair gel?”

Bambam rolled his eyes. “Ha ha. Nice try, you can’t possibly make me feel self-conscious when I look this good. Besides, what are you wearing? Is that a sweatshirt? Seriously?” he demanded. Chaeun had felt insulted the first couple of times Bambam had commented on her clothing, but then she realized he did it to everyone. In a weird way, it was flattering to have a guy notice what you were wearing. Besides, he never hesitated to compliment her when she looked hot.

“Yeah. I kind of have to leave early today.”

“Early?” his face fell. “You can’t. Dude, there’s tequila here, we’re going to challenge Yugyeom to shots until he passes out. His girlfriend dumped him yesterday.”

She winced slightly at the dude again and sighed. “Sorry, Bambam. Trust me, I want to let loose too, but I haven’t made any progress on my thesis lately. Jinyoung-sunbae’s been asking me for updates and I have no answer for him.”

“Come on, you can work on it some other time!” Bambam whined. He noticed somebody about to bump into Chaeun from behind and quickly grabbed her arm, pulling her into his side so the drunken guy didn’t stumble all over her. “Dude! Watch where you’re going!” he snapped irritably at the stranger.

Chaeun cleared her throat and pushed herself away from Bambam slightly. “Sorry, Bambam. I’ll do a beer or two before I leave, though. Is that the drinks cooler?” she wondered.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll get you one. You go join Lisa, she’s over there,” he replied. He sounded a little disgruntled as he walked away. Chaeun sighed and headed over to Lisa, who was waving at her eagerly. Bambam disappeared into the crowd. He didn’t re-appear for some time. Chaeun chatted with a slightly tipsy Lisa for a while until she suddenly saw a familiar face that made her heart drop into her chest.

Shit, shit, shit. Was that Jinyoung-sunbae?

Chaeun ducked and hid behind Lisa reflexively, feeling her heartbeat thud. It was definitely Jinyoung, he was holding a beer and talking to some random guy a little distance away. Chaeun cursed inside her head and Lisa giggled at her behavior.

“What are you doing?” Lisa asked with a laugh.

“Oh no, no, no. What is Jinyoung-sunbae doing here?” Chaeun whined as she crouched behind Lisa. Jinyoung wasn’t looking at her, but he could turn and see her at any moment. “I thought he didn’t go to parties like this! Doesn’t he go to the library on Fridays or study group or something?”

Lisa laughed. “Jinyoung-oppa? He’s childhood friends with Jaebum-oppa so of course he would come to his birthday party.”

“I have to get out of here.”

Chaeun hurriedly bid Lisa goodbye and stuck her back to the wall as she slowly snuck a good distance away. She was about to sneak out of the front door, when she realized she couldn’t just leave without telling Bambam. He would become whiny as hell later and complain about her leaving without saying anything. She looked around desperately and spotted Bambam by the drinks cooler, talking to Yugyeom and Jungkook. Bending her knees slightly, Chaeun weaved in between the crowd of people without being seen.

She caught a whiff of their conversation as she neared.

“-was going to do it, tonight,” Bambam was saying, sounding annoyed. “Dude, you have no idea how long I pep-talked myself in front of the mirror for hours before the party. I honestly thought it would be tonight-“

Yugyeom cut him off. “Just do it, man. You don’t have to be drunk to do it. Stop being a wimp.”

”Yeah, but if it doesn’t work out then how do I explain myself-“

Chaeun reached Bambam and poked him in the back sharply, hissing. “Bambam!” she hissed. Bambam whirled around to face her, eyes wide. He blinked at her for a few moments and stammered.

“uh- Ch-Chaeun-“

“Why didn’t you tell me Jinyoung-sunbae was going to be here?” she hissed, poking his arm a little harder this time. She was annoyed now. “What if he sees me here? I’m supposed to be working on my thesis, you didn’t feel the need to tell me that Jinyoung-sunbae was best friends with the birthday boy?”

Bambam blinked. “Uh-“

“Look, I have to get out of here before he sees me, or I risk breaking all trust my mentor has in me. I’ll see you later, okay? Have fun,” she cut him off. Before Bambam could protest, Chaeun had slipped away. She weaved her way over to the front door and finally made it out, breathing a sigh of relief that she had escaped unseen. She lifted the hood of her sweater and used it to cover her head when the front door opened again. Bambam burst out, panting slightly.

“Oh- you’re still- here,” he said breathlessly. “Wait up, I’ll come with you.”

“What? No. Go enjoy your party.”

“It’s no fun without you,” Bambam replied simply. He slipped his arm into hers and started leading her down the corridor. “Let’s get out of here. I’m pretty sure that all-night café is still open down the street. You can buy me coffee to pay me back for ruining the party for me.”

“Ruining the- hey! It’s your fault! You could have told me Jinyoung-sunbae would be here!” she protested.

Bambam’s cheeks flushed slightly red. “It slipped my mind, okay? I was preoccupied.”

“Oh? Exactly how many thoughts can that tiny brain of yours process in one go?” Chaeun challenged.

“To be honest, not many.”

“I thought so.”

“Especially when you’re around, it becomes a sort of one-track thing.”

Chaeun blinked. “Huh?”

He turned to face her suddenly, stopping in the middle of the corridor. Bambam looked nervous and his hands suddenly lifted up to cup her cheeks, causing the hood of her sweatshirt to fall backwards. He took a step closer and bit his lip slightly.

“I imagined us both a little more drunk when I did this.”

Chaeun froze, the look in his eyes making her heartbeat thud. There was no denying what he was talking about; the desperate look in Bambam’s eyes and the way his warm palms cupped her cheeks made it obvious. She stared up at him, her mouth falling open slightly. Her heartbeat was thudding. “Why would you want to be drunk for this?” she wondered quietly.

“So if it didn’t work out, I could blame it on the alcohol,” he confessed.

“That’s a stupid plan.”

“I know.”

“But to be honest, I didn’t expect anything better from you.”

“Yeah?”

Chaeun nodded. She brought her hands up to grasp his shirt near his collar, fisting the cloth into her hands as she used the grip to pull him downwards. Bambam leaned down obediently, letting her press her lips to his firmly. The kiss was still for a moment, before he pulled her closer, flush against his body and kissed her harder. Chaeun pulled away only once she was out of breath.

“Wow-“ Bambam began.

“Shut up, don’t ruin it by talking,” she snapped. Bambam blinked, before pushing her firmly against the wall of the corridor. Chaeun felt her back hit it before his lips were back on hers. The kiss was more lustful this time, and he managed to coax her mouth open gently while his hands stroked down her sides. Chaeun could feel her heartbeat thudding as his fingers slid under her sweatshirt. His cold hands were on her hot skin and her head was spinning madly-

“Chaeun? Bambam?”

It was like someone had splashed cold water on her face. Chaeun recognized Jinyoung’s voice and started to pull away, but Bambam instantly brought his hands up to grip her cheeks and keep his lips pressed to hers. Chaeun struggled for a moment, horrified. “Bambam-“ she mumbled against his lips. “Let-go-“

“Ignore him, he’ll go away,” Bambam muttered, letting his lips trail down her jawline as he sucked at her skin. Chaeun was torn between letting herself melt into Bambam’s grip and pushing him away roughly. It took a few seconds for her to gather her senses considering the way his tongue was flicking at her neck, but she finally managed to shove him off. Her head turned to look at the doorway where Jinyoung was blinked at them, eyebrows raised in a look of pure disgust.

Bambam whined. “Hyung, can’t you go away?”

“I expected nothing better from you,” Jinyoung replied simply, glancing at Bambam. Then his eyes flickered over to Chaeun, who looked like she wanted to die. “Are you messing around with this guy, or are you two actually dating?” he wondered.

Chaeun flushed and glanced at Bambam. “Uh-“

“I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend-“ Bambam cut in hurriedly. “But she ran away from the party because you were there. Don’t you think you’ve cockblocked me enough, hyung?”

Jinyoung ignored him, his eyes fixed on Chaeun with pure disappointment written on his face, Chaeun felt her heartbeat thud. Oh no. As excited as she had been about Bambam finally making a move on her, was this going to cost her an amazing mentor? What could she do? Her reputation was ruined! Should she pretend to be drunk? Or high? Would that make things worse? Either way, she’d lied-

“What you two do is none of my business,” Jinyoung said finally. He frowned at Chaeun. “I better get that draft of your thesis by Monday, or you can look for a new mentor.”

Chaeun breathed a sigh of relief. Okay. He wasn’t abandoning her yet, she still had a chance. Jinyoung shot them one last glare before disappearing back into the party. Chaeun let herself sink back against the wall, her knees suddenly feeling weak from the kiss and the stress of being caught. She glared at Bambam and whacked him in the arm.

“Ow!”

“Did you have to kiss me right here? You couldn’t have waited until we were in private?”

Bambam pouted slightly, rubbing his arm. “I didn’t hear you complaining while we were kissing. Be honest. You liked it, right? I know I’m a great kisser. Girls have told me. Did I ever tell you that it’s always been the girl who-“

“-confesses to you first? Yeah, I know.” Chaeun snapped. “Bye.”

Bambam panicked as she began to walk away. “Wait, where are you going? Don’t leave!”

“Didn’t you hear Jinyoung-sunbae? He wants my thesis by Monday, that means I have to go start working now.”

Bambam’s plump lips were still pouting and he grabbed Chaeun’s hand before she could start walking away. He stepped closer to her, bringing his face inches away from hers and his hand squeezed hers gently. “You’re going to leave just like that? You won’t answer hyung’s question?”

Chaeun smirked and played innocent. “What question?”

“Whether we’re messing around, or you seriously want to date me,” Bambam mumbled, pressing his lips to the corner of her mouth. It was softer and sweeter than before, no longer filled with lust. He looked a little nervous as he blinked at her. “You know I would make an amazing boyfriend. I’m the coolest guy ever. And I know I’m a little wild, and I might not be as smart as Jinyoung-sunbae or the other guys at your college-”

Chaeun leaned up and kissed him lightly. “Don’t be humble. It doesn’t suit you.”

“-face it, you’ll never find a guy as awesome as me.”

“I spoke too soon.”

Bambam grinned. “What do you say?”

“If I manage to hand in the draft of my thesis by Monday and Jinyoung-sunbae is still my mentor by this time next week…” Chaeun grinned. “Then I’ll be your girlfriend.”

“I have to wait that long?” he whined.

“Yup. In the meantime, lover boy, you can go and suck up to my mentor. Preferably get him lots and lots of drinks so he’s still hung-over on Monday,” she replied with a wink.

Bambam grinned back at her. “Will do.”

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