#weather update: flash flood warning due to uncontrollable sobbing over these two. again.

[rocketbirdie]

keeping watch

[theforeverhiatus]

Leap of Faith || oneshot

Read on AO3

Words: 3708

Summary: 

A oneshot in which Phil was due back two hours ago, and Dan is beside himself with worry. His concern only intensifies when a police car arrives outside of his flat.

 Warnings: angst, strong suicide theme, swearing

Rating: 17+

Notes: 

I don’t want to say whether or not Phil lives in this story incase some people would like to read it without knowing what’s going to happen, but if you are someone who would like to know, then you can find out here before reading. If the link isn’t working, you can always message me and I’ll let you know!

Apologies to mobile readers if there isn’t a read more. I’m still learning...

Dan glanced at the clock. 9.30pm. It was a cold night in the middle of January, and the temperature had already fallen below zero. The wind howled through the gaps in the windows, and tiny drops of rain had begun to fall on the glass. It was dark outside, and though Dan hated the dark, he couldn’t bring himself to switch on the lights in the lounge; how could he sit in such brightness and warmth when his boyfriend was outside in the brutal London weather, missing? Dan wondered if the terrible weather only foreshadowed an equally terrible situation. Phil, his boyfriend of 8 years, had been due back at 7.30pm after a meeting at the BBC, and as the night wore on, Dan’s worry only intensified. It was entirely out of character for Phil not to call if he was going to be late, or at the very least send a rushed text. He’d dialled Phil’s phone seven times, and each call was only answered with a series of short bleeps before going to voicemail. This is Phil’s phone. Leave a message after the roar! Roar!!! Dan began pacing - through the hallway, to the kitchen and back to the lounge again. He couldn’t sit still with so much anxiety raging inside of him. He had to feel like he was doing something.  Phil had been quiet before leaving, but nothing struck Dan as particularly out of the ordinary. He knew his boyfriend had taken his phone because Phil had texted him only minutes after leaving the apartment to say he loved him. Dan had smiled like a lovestruck teenager before tossing his phone on the sofa and going to make them both dinner. He’d leave Phil’s in the microwave for when he got home. The line rang, so Dan knew that Phil’s phone couldn’t have run out of battery, though surely Phil would have used the office phone at the BBC if he couldn’t use his own? The BBC. Dan’s eyes widened as he realised that one of his friends may know something of Phil’s whereabouts. He unlocked his phone again with his thumb and ran through the contacts until he reached Nick Grimshaw’s name. Nick answered almost immediately, his voice light and unconcerned. ”Hey, Dan, buddy!” he exclaimed enthusiastically. “This isn’t like you, mate!” It was true - Dan rarely called anybody, choosing email over actually talking to someone personally, a hallmark of his anxiety. He would even answer calls in an Indian accent to ward off cold callers and potential members of his audience who could have sourced his number somewhere.

”Nick, is the meeting over yet? Phil’s not home,” Dan mumbled quickly. “He was due back at 7.30, he said he’d be back at-,” ”Dan, slow down,” Nick interrupted. “What meeting?” Dan’s heart skipped a beat as adrenaline and fear coursed through his veins. ”The one at the BBC. Today. Ummm, I think it was about Phil appearing on some show or another? An upcoming DJ’s show?” ”I don’t know of any meeting, and I haven’t seen Phil, but I’m just about to leave now myself, so I can check the sign-in book on the way past reception?” Nick asked him, clearly beginning to understand the weight of the situation. Everybody knew Phil wouldn’t do something like this. ”Please,” Dan replied. “Could you text me as soon as you do? I’m going to try his phone again.” Nick assured him that he’d go straight down to the reception desk and take a look at the book before hanging up the phone. Before Dan had even managed to find Phil’s name in his contacts, the windows of his lounge lit up with red and blue; a police car had stopped outside of the apartment and he heard the deafening sound of car doors slamming. He talked himself out of believing it was anything to do with him, and continued to scroll through his contacts until a message from Nick dropped down from the top of the screen. ‘No sign of Phil today on the list. Let me know when you find him and kick his butt for me.’

Dan froze. His doorbell chimed and he resisted the urge to throw up all over his feet. His eyes glazed over, and his movements became mechanical as he inched towards the door, muscles aching with the amount of adrenaline pumping through his bloodstream. His surroundings became suddenly blurry; everything spinning as he struggled to find the balance to walk across the room.

”PC Holland,” the first policeman announced. His face was giving away nothing as he held his identification badge up for Dan to peer at, as though Dan could concentrate on anything other than not wetting himself in fear. “Are you Daniel Howell?” Dan nodded and opened his mouth to formulate his response, but the words died in his throat. ”I understand you live with a Philip Lester?” PC Holland continued. Dan noticed his use of present tense, trying desperately to cling onto any shred of assurance that Phil was in fact still alive. He could deal with anything; brain injury, coma, loss of limbs…just not death. ”Boyfriend,” he whispered, his voice cracking. “Just tell me. Is he d-dead?” Dan’s eyes were focussed intently on PC Holland, trying to read his facial expression for any hint towards Phil’s safety. ”He’s on Waterloo Bridge.” ”Oh thank God he’s okay,” Dan exhaled a long breath that he hadn’t realised he was holding. “He is okay, right?” ”He’s threatening to jump,” the policewoman to the left of PC Holland explained. Her voice was nondescript, but Dan noticed the slant of her eyebrows - pity. “PC Loren.” She held out her arm and rested her hand on Dan’s elbow in an attempt to steady the 6ft man swaying before her. ”No, that’s not right,” Dan replied softly. “Phil wouldn’t do that. That’s not my Phil, you’ve got the wrong one.” Every inch of his skin was prickling with goosebumps as he tried to convince himself that this was some sort of prank; a viewer who held a grudge against them must have arranged this. His vision began to cloud as he watched the mouth of PC Holland form words that he couldn’t make out over the ringing in his ears. The policeman was gesturing towards some shoes lying at the bottom of the stairs, but Dan couldn’t compute what it was that was expected of him. PC Loren slipped inside of the doorway and picked up Phil’s white vans, handing them to Dan before turning to the coat rack and choosing his black parka. Dan couldn’t find it within him to argue that the shoes didn’t belong to him, and slipped them onto his feet. His head felt as though it were underwater, but he tried to pull his mind back into the real world, asking the big question flooding his brain. “He’s not going to jump, is he?” PC Loren was quiet for a moment before carefully choosing her words. ”I hope not.” The car ride to the bridge was silent; the tension almost audible. Tears formed in Dan’s eyes as he thought about how he hadn’t even texted Phil back to tell him he loved him too. He blinked furiously, willing himself to remain calm. His thoughts were wildly speculating, hopeful that this wasn’t as it seemed; the man standing on the bridge was not in fact his boyfriend, and that a confused Phil would message him any moment asking where Dan was and apologising for getting home late. Nausea rose through Dan’s body, but he ignored it, head spinning with terror. Red and blue was flashing all around him, parting the traffic like Moses and the Red Sea. The radios on the belts of the officers sitting in the front were chattering with serious business and descriptions of thieves, gang members, and a missing 12 year old boy. Dan noted that he hadn’t once heard the mention of any bridges, or 30 year old men. The car sped through the streets, rushing through the city centre until they eventually reached the bridge. Dan let out a quiet exclamation of fear as he saw the scene unfolding in front of them. The bridge was cordoned off, a tall grey-haired female officer was standing at the barriers waving to the car, signalling them to drive forward right past the cordon. Dan tried to open the door, quickly realising it was child-locked. The older woman who had directed them to their stop opened it, leaning down into the doorway. PC Holland and PC Loren exited the car and stood beside her, asking her for an update and plan of action. Dan tried to stand up but was gently held down by the new policewoman who explained she needed to talk to him briefly before he bolted towards Phil. Dan couldn’t comprehend how his boyfriend stood just metres away from him feeling suicidal, yet he was forced to remain seated. ”Two seconds, Mr Howell. I need to tell you what’s going on first,” she told him in a strong cockney twang. “There’s a negotiator up there with Phil as we speak, but Phil is very distressed and has made it very clear he doesn’t want anybody getting too close. If you run up to him, it increases the risk of him falling. He’s been asking for you, which is why we’ve brought you.” The rain continued to fall around them, only worsening the situation and endangering Phil further. “His bag was found discarded down the road. It had his phone inside, so we managed to contact his parents who were listed as emergency contacts. They are understandably distraught, and we have an officer with them, but they have advised us that you’re our best hope and requested we contact you.” She moved out of the way, finally allowing Dan to stand up. Any thoughts that this wasn’t Phil soon disappeared when he focussed his eyes on the man standing on the wrong side of the railings, head tilted back, sobbing uncontrollably. “Approach him slowly. Talk clearly. And Daniel, if it comes to the worst…do not blame yourself.” Dan began to shuffle forward. He felt as though he were moving in a dream, a nightmare. The group of police officers walked halfway with him before stopping short and giving him reassuring nods. PC Loren leant forwards and gave his shoulder a squeeze. Dan glanced back at her, fear evident in his brown eyes, before continuing to very slowly edge forward. There was a blond haired man, who could have only been around 22/23 years old standing around 5 metres from Phil. Dan briefly considered how someone so young could possibly deal with such a situation effectively, and fought the urge to run at him and push him away. The man spotted him and turned back to Phil to continue talking. Dan heard his name, and Phil slowly turned around to look directly into Dan’s eyes, his mouth whispering “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Dan continued to take small, tentative steps until he was level with the negotiator, a man who quickly introduced himself as Steve before returning to his soothing tones encouraging Phil to breathe, reminding him that he wasn’t coming any closer. Dan wanted to shout at him, furious that nobody had simply grabbed Phil and dragged him back over to the right side of the bridge. It was then that he realised that it would only take a split second for Phil to let go; his feet hanging over the concrete edge of the bridge. ”Dan, stop!” Phil shouted as Dan reached roughly the 3 metre mark. Dan instantly came to a standstill. His heart felt as though it were in his throat, hammering with an all consuming fear that at any moment, he was about to watch his boyfriend fall to his death. ”Phil,” he whispered. “Phil, I’m here.” Dan knew that he had to hold it together, and taking a deep breath, he willed his mind to de-fog itself enough to allow himself to think. “I’m here baby. I won’t come any closer until you say it’s okay.” ”I can’t!” Phil sobbed. “I can’t, Dan! I can’t do it! I can’t!” He wailed, his words catching as he fought to speak through his tears. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t” Phil’s eyes scrunched up as they continued to stream, his entire being radiating distress. Dan inhaled sharply, struggling to watch the very man he loved more than anyone else in the world suffer so deeply. ”Philly, what do you need me to do? Anything. Anything you need, I’ll do it. I can’t let you do this, my love.” ”Don’t you dare come any closer,” Phil shouted. “DO NOT COME CLOSER.” His hand slipped on the railing which was wet with rain and Dan closed his eyes, squeezing them shut tightly until he heard Phil swear in a moment of panic. He could stand there all day and all night if that’s what he had to do, but there was no way he could watch Phil tumble into the murky depths below. ”What can’t you do, Phil?” ”Everything,” Phil cried, shaking his head. “Waking up, breathing, existing.” Dan swallowed his fear and summoned the courage to continue. Despite the absolute panic he felt, right down to his core, he continued to breathe in, out, until he could keep talking. ”I’ll stand here with you all night if that’s what it takes. Phil, I know you’re hurting right now…and I know carrying on must feel impossible, but you’re not going to be alone. I promise you that.” Dan watched as Phil’s movements became shakier and shakier as he started to mumble to himself. Phil stared down at the lapping water below, contemplating his options. “I don’t want to die,” he whispered so quietly that Dan almost didn’t hear him. ”You don’t have to…” Dan murmured back softly. “You don’t have to, Philly. Do you trust me?” ”I trust you with everything I have,” Phil cried, his tears slowing ever so slightly. “But I don’t see any other way out.” Phil’s confidence began to subside as he considered the fact the jumping now would mean his boyfriend watching him die. He knew in that moment that he couldn’t put Dan through that. Even if he deserved it, Dan didn’t. ”Let me come closer,” Dan continued. “Let me hold you.” Phil was quiet as Dan told him gently that he was going to take another few steps forward. When Phil didn’t say anything, Dan experimentally shuffled forwards, slowly, slowly, until he stood close enough to Phil to reach out to him. “Don’t leave me,” Dan whispered softly from behind. “Please.”

Phil opened his mouth to speak, then promptly closed it again as though carefully thinking through what he was about to say. “Okay.” Dan let out a sigh of relief as he snaked his arms around Phil’s body, holding him so tightly that had Phil even tried to jump, he was going nowhere. Suddenly, police officers from all directions advanced on them and hauled Phil over the railings until he fell into Dan’s arms, the pair of them collapsing on the pavement. A voice beside them spoke into a radio informing all channels that Phil was safely back on the pavement. Usually, they would have handcuffed Phil for his own safety, but PC Loren held up a hand to signal the officers to stop; Dan wasn’t going to let Phil go and separating them would do absolutely nothing for the situation. Dan held his lover tightly and allowed his emotions to finally spill as he began to cry against Phil. Their tears became one, and Dan pressed his lips against the side of Phil’s head, brushing his sweaty fringe from his eyes. “I’ve got you, Phil, I’ve got you.” He rocked the man in his arms as he repeated soothing words into his ear. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He glanced up at the officers around him and quietly asked them to inform Phil’s parents immediately. Pulling Phil further into his chest, he listened as PC Loren explained to them that Phil was going to need to go to the hospital to be evaluated by a psychiatrist before he could return home. Phil howled louder, as Dan continued to rock him, promising he’d be right be his side the whole time.

 6 hours later…

 Dan fumbled for the keys to the apartment in the pocket of his parka, his free hand tightly gripping Phil’s hand. For once, he had given not a single fuck that they had walked through London hand in hand; he had almost lost his soulmate, and he wanted nothing more than to hold his boyfriend’s hand to remind himself that this nightmare had ended, for now. Dan knew that tonight was only the very beginning of a long, long journey, and he knew he would never forget the agonising fear that Phil would be ripped from him, succumbing to the unforgiving illness he was suffering from. In that moment however, all he could concentrate on was the man standing before him, silently thanking a God he didn’t believe in that Phil was still breathing the same oxygen as him. He twisted the key in the lock and led them both into the hall, unzipping Phil’s coat and shrugging it off of his shoulders. Phil hadn’t said a single word since they’d left the hospital, walking through the streets in a daze, overwhelmed by emotion, yet paradoxically numb. Dan had allowed him the silence, understanding that perhaps Phil just needed space to breathe. He had just been very precariously balanced on the edge of a very tall bridge, after all. Dan wordlessly hung up their coats, then guided Phil to the bottom of the stairs where he sat him down and smoothly removed his shoes. Phil was staring straight ahead, not acknowledging Dan’s presence at all. Dan was incredibly worried about the man sitting before him, but he pushed his anxiety aside and managed a weak smile. “Come on, let’s get you into some cosy pyjamas, and then we can cuddle up in bed. You must be exhausted.” Phil nodded and reached for Dan’s hand.

 They wordlessly climbed the stairs, Dan telling Phil how Nick had instructed him to kick his butt for worrying everyone, but promising he wouldn’t discuss with anyone what had happened. He just wanted to fill the silence that felt even more prominent now that they were surrounded by the quiet of their apartment, as opposed to the busy London streets. When Phil made no effort to choose any pyjamas, Dan chose them for him, grabbing his cookie monster bottoms and one of their merch t-shirts. “Arms up,” he instructed, gently tugging Phil’s wet t-shirt over his head. Dan quickly changed Phil out of the wet clothes and into his pj’s before changing himself into his own.

Phil had already begun climbing into bed by the time Dan had finished, but he tucked Phil in anyway before climbing under the sheets beside him. He took him into his arms facing him, and though the light was low, he gazed into his boyfriend’s eyes, committing every inch of his face into memory. He never wanted to forget those beautiful eyes, and despite the absence of their usual glow, he could have gazed into them all day. “I forgot to text you back,” Dan mumbled into Phil’s hair. ”What?” Phil breathed, his eyes closing with exhaustion. ”I didn’t text you back when you told me you loved me.” ”Dan,” Phil curled into Dan’s touch, his hand searching for his boyfriends, which he stroked lovingly. “You have a whole lifetime to tell me that.” Dan gasped, closing his eyes as the tears began to roll down his cheeks. “And I will tell you every single day,” he vowed, tenderly placing a kiss on Phil’s lips. “I love you.”